momus
beowulf (i am deformed)
I have come with my sword Naegling And the usual aches and pains To defeat Grendel, the monster Lately scourge of the Danes Showing no mercy in the mead hall He laid waste thirty thanes In return I will chop off his shoulder Then I will deal with his mother  Where is the disabled loo? I'm feeling slightly queasy, woozy So would you if you'd had to do The things I've had to do Slay the good, slay the bad Do I have the right to use the disabled loos? Did they send the right man from the land of heroes?  Stop laughing, I am Beowulf I give you my oath, as I was born I am Beowulf I am the hero coming to save you And I am deformed  Cancer gubbins that hangs at my neck like a turkey throat Swaddling leather trussing up a shrivelled belly bloat Dangling from my orifice is a puzzling speculum drip If you promise not to tell anyone I have a hare lip A smoking hole and a very large mole My face it slithers, my ears are torn  Don't laugh, I am deformed  Stop laughing, I am Beowulf I give you my oath, as I was born I am Beowulf I am the hero coming to save you And I am deformed  So go ahead, laugh, you won't be the first Richard the Hundredth, the Hunchback laughed Henry Dalrymple the simpleton convulsed with mirth At this sick rubber joke my bones as they poke out of a hole in my skin At this helplessly flailing mutant appalling prosthetic thalydomide limb Have a good laugh while you're at it at my schlong My metallic foot brace it scratches and drags I dribble down a twig I twitch along the ground My Breugel boots they beggar belief I have the stinky shanks of a hound My patchy moustache hides a birthmark I have come to save Denmark Stop laughing   Stop laughing, I am Beowulf I give you my oath, as I was born I am Beowulf I am the hero coming to save you I am deformed