I wished to make my Court an intellectual
and artistic centre, and this again was a subject
of bitter contention. I alternated between
indignant revolt and acute depression, for I
realised that I was under constant surveillance,
and I was treated like a little girl who requires
very strict governesses. Every small action of
impulse was magnified into almost criminal
eccentricity, my harmless friendships were pre-
sented in the light of vulgar flirtations, and I



MY OWN STORY 225

could never show any interest in any one with-
out having some disgraceful ulterior motive
attributed to me.
When I was not the object of abuse, my own
family were subjected to it, and we were one
and aU credited with every Habsburg peccadillo
and peculiarity. My superior rank was another
cause of offence, and at last I grew tired of strug-
gling against such overwhelming odds. I dis-
dained to complain, because I knew that I was
represented as a capricious, hysterical woman
who required the firm hand of subjection which
is usually supposed to be so efficacious, but, in
the majority of cases, has only the ultimate
effect of driving its victims to desperation.
Oh, how I suffered in those days! I have
often tried to show some nobility of character,
and forgive those who injured me so deeply, but
I cannot. The iron has entered far too deeply
into my soul; forgiveness may come later, but
at present I have banished it from my heart.
I was like some wild bird that has fallen into
the snare of the fowler and is caged for evermore.
