330


A  BOOK  ABOUT  MYSELF  331

Yet  in  spite  of  my  profound  infatuation  I  was  still  able  to
see  beauty  in  other  women  and  be  moved  by  it.  The  chemical
attractions  and  repulsions  which  draw  us  away  from  one  and
to  another  are  beginning  to  be  more  clearly  understood  in
these  days  and  to  undermine  our  more  formal  notions  of  sta-
bility and  order,  but  even  at  that  time  this  variation  in  myself
might  have  taught  me  to  look  with  suspicion  on  my  own  emo-
tions. I  think  I  did  imagine  that  I  was  a  scoundrel  in  har-
boring lusts  after  other  women,  when  I  was  so  deeply  in-
volved with  this  one,  but  I  told  myself  that  I  must  be  pecu-
liarly afflicted  in  this  way,  that  all  men  were  not  so,  that  I
myself  should  and  probably  would  hold  myself  in  check  even-
tually, etc.;  all  of  which  merely  proves  how  disjointed  and
non-self-understanding  can  be  the  processes  of  the  human
mind.  Not  only  do  we  fail  to  see  ourselves  as  others  see  us
but  we  have  not  the  faintest  conception  of  ourselves  as  we
really  are.
