Black Comedy
Peter Shaffer
 The action of the play takes place in Brindsley Miller's apartment in South Kensington, London on a Sunday evening at 9:30. The play begins in complete darkness. Brindsley Miller, a young sculptor, and his debutante fiancée, Carol Melkett, have stolen some very expensive antique items and furniture from his neighbor Harold Gorringe, who is away for the weekend, in an attempt to spruce up his normally slum-like apartment in order to impress a wealthy art collector, Georg Bamberger, who is coming to view his work, and Carol's father, Colonel Melkett. As they contemplate the coming evening, Carol inquires about Brindsley's previous mistress, a painter named Clea. Brindsley tells her that he saw her for only three months and that the relationship took place two years ago. Just as Carol places a Sousa march on the record player, a fuse short circuits causing a blackout. The stage is instantly illuminated. As Brindsley and Carol search for matches, the phone rings and Brindsley answers it. It is Clea, who has just returned from Finland, and wants to arrange a liaison for that evening. Brindsley hurriedly distracts Carol with a bogus story about fuse wire in his bedroom loft. He desperately denies to see Clea, and informs Carol when she returns that it was "just a chum." Miss Furnival, a spinster and lifelong teetotaler, the occupant of the flat upstairs, enters seeking refuge from her fear of the dark. She informs them that the street lamps are still alight, and Brindsley deduces that the short-circuit occurred in the main power box in the cellar. He and Carol ring the London Electricity Board, but are told only that an electrician might arrive sometime later that night. Miss Furnival suggests that Brindsley look for candles in Harold Gorringe's apartment across the hall, and he exits. Carol's father, Colonel Melkett, arrives with an illuminated lighter, and is unimpressed with one of Brindsley's sculptures—a large work in iron with two prongs. Miss Furnival realizes that the room is full of her friend Harold's furniture, including a fine porcelain Buddha—Harold's most valuable possession. Carol frantically decoys the Colonel into Brindsley's studio to see the rest of his work. She explains the situation to Miss Furnival, who reluctantly agrees not to betray them to Harold. When Brindsley returns unsuccessful from his search, the Colonel takes an almost instant dislike to him. At his suggestion, Brindsley exits to retrieve torches from a nearby pub. But just as he is leaving, Harold Gorringe returns from his weekend early. Brindsley quickly pulls him into the flat so that he will not go into his own and find his possessions stolen. Harold is unable to recognize his own furniture in the dark, and in order to keep him from lighting a match and discovering the thievery, Brindsley concocts the excuse of a possible gas leak. Brindsley pretends to leave for the pub, and as Carol blindly mixes drinks, he attempts to restore as much of the stolen furniture to Harold's flat as possible. As Brindsley enters and exits with various objects, wrapping the Buddha in Harold's raincoat, the four guests discuss the imminent arrival of Georg Bamberger. Harold reveals some facts he read in the Sunday Mirror: The reclusive Bamberger is known as "the mystery millionaire," and is apparently stone deaf. There is a mix up as Carol hands out the drinks in the dark, Miss Furnival is mistakenly given the Colonel's whiskey. The four attempt to rectify the confusion, but to no avail, Miss Furnival now receives Harold's gin. Finally, the Colonel angrily illuminates his lighter, revealing Brindsley. He lies unconvincingly, claiming that he has been to pub, found it closed, and returned. The Colonel rages at him "If you think I'm going to let my daughter marry a born liar, you're very much mistaken sir!" It is now that Harold discovers Brindsley and Carol's engagement, and he is furious at the news. It is obvious that he himself has secret feelings for Brindsley. Brindsley and Carol manage to arrange grudging reconciliations between themselves, the Colonel and Harold, and Miss Furnival, hooked after her first taste of alcohol, stealthily procures more liquor. Just then, Clea enters unannounced. Unaware of her presence, the others begin to speak ill of her. Harold spitefully deems her "ugly," Miss Furnival continues by recalling her as "tiresomely Bohemian," and Carol proclaims of a photo she found of her "she looked like The Bartered Bride done by Lloyds Bank Operatic Society." At this, everyone bursts into a gale of laughter, and Clea slaps Brindsley in the face. In the confusion, Brindsley catches hold of Clea's bottom, and instantly recognizes it. He manages to retreat with her to the loft, where his desperate pleas that she leave dissolve into passionate kisses. When she refuses to go, he concedes that she can stay in the loft, if she will not come downstairs. Just as Carol begins to grow suspicious about the activity in Brindsley's bedroom, Schuppanzigh, the German electrician sent to repair the fuse arrives, and everyone excitedly mistakes him for Bamberger. The electrician, with his lit torch, catches sight of Brindsley's sculpture, and is extremely impressed with it. In order to hide Harold's still unreturned Regency sofa, Brindsley challenges the German to examine the sculpture in the dark, claiming it was made to be appreciated in the dark. Schuppanzigh agrees, and turns off the torch. In the restored darkness, Brindsley pulls the sofa into his studio, unaware that the drunken Miss Furnival is lying on it. Upon catching hold of the two metal prongs, Schuppanzigh proclaims to everyone's astonishment "It's quite true! When viewed like this the piece becomes a masterpiece at once!" The electrician proceeds to give an eloquent lecture, praising Brindsley as "a master!" and calling the prongs "the two needles of man's unrest. Self-love and self-hate leading to the same point!" Just as the statue seems on the point of being sold for five hundred guineas, Schuppanzeigh's true identity is discovered, and everyone turns on him in outrage. He is at once cast down to the cellar to mend the fuse. Just as the electrician descends, Miss Furnival is heard in the studio, singing "Rock of Ages" in a high, drunken voice. Attracted by the sound, Clea emerges from the loft, dressed in one of Brindsley's night shirts. She overhears Carol consoling Brindsley with an idyllic portrait of their future married life. Outraged on discovering Brindsley's secret, Clea dashes Vodka over the startled guests. In an utter panic, Brindsley invents a cleaning woman named "Mrs Punnett," and to his surprise Clea goes along with him, speaking in a contrived Cockney voice of great antiquity. But to Brindsley's horror, Clea uses the guise of Mrs. Punnett to infuriate Carol and the Colonel with shocking tales of parties and "kinky games in the dark" and reveal her affair with Brindsley. When Clea confesses her true identity, in complete charge of the situation, Carol is horrified. But her hysterics are interrupted as Miss Furnival emerges from the studio, lost in a world of her own fears, proclaiming a passionate, drunken tirade in which she rants on the terrors of the supermarket, calls to her dead father, and prophesies a judgement day when "the heathens in their leather jackets" will be "stricken from their motorcycles." She is led out by a consoling Harold. Brindsley and Clea are left alone with Carol and the Colonel. The disheveled Carol breaks off their engagement and the Colonel advances on Brindsley in blind fury. But the Colonel's rage is interrupted and surpassed as Harold re-enters with a terrible shriek of anger, a lit taper burning in his hand. He has just discovered the state of his room and screams at Brindsley in betrayed aguish, demanding his remaining possessions be returned. As Harold moves to exit again, he grabs his raincoat. But inside it, of course, is the Buddha. It falls out and smashes beyond repair. Harold snaps. He turns on Brindsley and declares "with the quietness of the mad," "I think I'm going to have to smash you Brindsley." Abruptly, he pulls one of the metal prongs out of the statue, and advances on him. The Colonel follows suit, pulling the other prong, and together he and Harold advance on the terrified sculptor. Clea comes to his rescue. She blows out Harold's taper, casting the room into darkness once more, and pulling Brindsley to safety on the center table. The two men hunt their quarry in the dark. Now, finally, Georg Bamberger arrives, dressed in the Gulbenkian manner, and carrying a large deaf aid. This time, the guests mistake the millionaire for the electrician, until Schuppanzigh emerges from the cellar, proclaiming that the fuse is fixed. The startled guests realize that Bamberger has, at long last, arrived, and Brindsley exclaims happily "Everything's all right now! Just in the nick of time!" But just as he says this, Bamberger falls into the open trapdoor. Harold, the Colonel, and Carol advance on Brindsley and Clea, as Schuppanzigh moves to the light switch, saying "God said: "Let there be light!" And there was, good people, suddenly — astoundingly — instantaneously — inconceivably — inexhaustibly — inextinguishably and eternally — LIGHT!" And with a great flourish, he flicks the light switch--there is instant darkness, as with an exultant crash the Sousa march blazes away in the black.