You Can't Take It with You
Moss Hart
 At first the Sycamores seem mad, but it is not long before you realize that if they are mad, then the rest of the world is madder. In contrast to these delightful people are the unhappy Kirbys. Tony, the attractive young son of the Kirbys, falls in love with Alice Sycamore and brings his parents to dine at the Sycamore house on the wrong evening. The shock sustained by Mr. and Mrs. Kirby, who are invited to eat cheap food, shows Alice that marriage with Tony is out of the question. The Sycamores find it hard to understand Alice's view. Tony knows the Sycamores live the right way with love and care for each other, while his own family is the one that's crazy. In the end, Mr. Kirby is converted to the happy madness of the Sycamores after he happens in during a visit by the ex-Grand Duchess of Russia, Olga Katrina, who is currently earning her living as a waitress. The story takes place entirely in the large house of a slightly batty New York City family. Various characters in the lives of the Vanderhof/Sycamore/Carmichael clan are introduced in the first act. The patriarch of the family, Grandpa Vanderhof, is an eccentric old man who keeps snakes and has never paid his income tax. Penelope "Penny" Vanderhof Sycamore is his daughter (a writer of adventure- and sex-filled melodrama plays), who is married to Paul Sycamore, a tinkerer who manufactures fireworks in the basement with the help of his assistant Mr. De Pinna who used to be the family's iceman. One of Paul and Penny's two daughters is Essie Sycamore Carmichael, a childish candymaker who dreams of being a ballerina (but in reality is terrible at dancing). Essie is married to Ed Carmichael, a xylophone player who lives with them and helps distribute Essie's candies. Ed is an amateur printer who prints any phrase that sounds catchy. Paul and Penny's other daughter Alice Sycamore is quite obviously the only "normal" family member. She has an office job and is sometimes embarrassed by the eccentricities of her family, yet deep down, she still loves them. In addition, the Vanderhof/Sycamore/Carmichael clan employs a maid Rheba, who is dating Donald, who performs odd jobs for the Sycamores. Essie tells Grandpa Vanderhof that some letters have arrived for him from the "United States Government," but that she misplaced them. Shortly afterwards, Alice comes home and announces that she has fallen in love with a young man with whom she works, Tony Kirby, the son of the company's executive. Before going upstairs to change, Alice tells her family that he will be coming over shortly to take her on a date. The entire family is still joyfully discussing her boyfriend when the doorbell rings. Penny answers the door and greets the man standing there, thinking he must be Tony, but only after forcing the stranger to shake hands with the entire family do they realize that he is not Alice's boyfriend: he is a tax investigator. His name is Wilbur C. Henderson, and he is investigating Grandpa for his evasion of income tax. When Henderson asks Grandpa why he owed twenty-four years of back income tax, Grandpa states he never believed in it, and that the government wouldn't know what to do with the money if he did pay it. Henderson becomes infuriated by Grandpa's answers to his questions. Henderson spots Grandpa's snakes, and runs out of the house in fear, but not before promising Grandpa that he will hear, one way or another, from the United States government. The real Tony Kirby arrives, and Alice is nervous that her eccentric family will scare him away, so she attempts to leave with him on their date. As they attempt to leave, Mr. Boris Kolenkhov, Essie's extremely Russian ballet instructor, arrives and makes chitchat with the family, complaining about the Revolution. During this discussion, Alice and Tony make their escape. Then the rest of the family sit down for dinner. Later that night, Alice and Tony come back very late from their date and have a glass of wine and Tony makes a toast. Though it is revealed that they both love each other very, very much, Alice has doubts as to whether a marriage of Tony and Alice's families could ever work out fine. Tony insists that, if they love each other, it shouldn't matter, but Alice ignores him and tearfully shouts that it just would never work. She divulges how Grandpa could have been "a very rich man," but instead, he had an epiphany one day and rode the elevator right back down to the lobby of his building and quit work. Alice explains that her family is too odd to get along with any other. In the course of their conversation, which is interrupted by Essie and Ed (who come home from a Ginger Rogers/Fred Astaire movie) and then Donald at one point, Tony wins Alice over, and they agree to get married. Paul comes up from the basement and tells Alice to watch his latest firework masterpiece, and she lovingly says: "It's the most beautiful red fire in the world..." The second act takes place a few days later. Alice has invited Tony, his father, and his mother over for dinner tomorrow night, and it is the only thing on the entire family's mind. Alice runs around the house telling her family to try to act as normal as possible. Penny has brought actress Gay Wellington over to read over Penny's latest play, but Gay becomes very drunk, and passes out onto the living room couch. Ed returns from distributing Essie's candies with news that he is being followed by someone. When Mr. DePinna looks out the window, no one is there, just some man walking away. Ed decides to go out and deliver the candy anyway because Essie asks him to. Paul and Mr. De Pinna are downstairs the whole time making fireworks. Mr. DePinna comes up from the basement carrying a painting that Penny had started of him as a discus thrower. Mr. DePinna asks if Penny would finish it and she agrees. She leaves to put on her painting gear and Mr. DePinna leaves to put on his robe. At the same time, Mr. Kolenkhov arrives and begins Essie's ballet lesson. Ed provides accompanying music on the xylophone. Rheba runs in and out of the kitchen cleaning. Grandpa takes this time to practice darts and feed the snakes. In the midst of all this hullabaloo, Tony appears in the doorway with Mr. Kirby and Mrs. Kirby. Before them is the entire eccentric spectacle. Apparently, Tony has forgotten for which night dinner was planned, and Alice is incredibly embarrassed. Penny tells Alice not to worry, and that they can manage a nice dinner easily. She gives a list of things to Donald and tells him to run down to the store. Grandpa tries desperately to keep the party normal and under control for the sake of his granddaughter. Mr. Kirby reveals himself to be a very straightlaced fat-cat, who raises orchids as a hobby. Mr. Kirby investigates a child's model and finds it is Paul's "hobby." Mrs. Kirby tells them that her true passion is spiritualism, to which Penny replies, "We all know that's a fake." During a discussion of hobbies, Mr. Kolenkhov brings up that the Romans' hobby was wrestling, and demonstrates on Mr. Kirby by throwing him on the floor. To pass the time after the awkward incident, Penny suggests they play a free association game. Alice imagines what is coming and immediately tries to quash the suggestions, but Penny shrugs her off and instructs everyone to write down "the first thing that pops into their heads" after she says certain words. Penny offers the words "potato, bathroom, lust, honeymoon, and sex." Penny reads Mr. Kirby's list first, with reactions of, respectively: "steak, toothpaste, unlawful, trip, male." Mrs. Kirby's list, however, causes much controversy. "Starch" is her response to potatoes, which is not that bad, but her response for "bathroom" is "Mr. Kirby," and she covers it up with the fact that Mr. Kirby spends a lot of time in there "bathing and shaving". Her response to "lust" is "human," claiming it is a perfectly human emotion. Mr. Kirby disagrees, saying "it is depraved." "Honeymoon"'s reply is "dull," as Mrs. Kirby explains that there was "nothing to do at night." The shocker comes when Mrs. Kirby says her reply to "sex" was "Wall Street". She at first claims she doesn't know what she meant by it, but once provoked she yells at Mr. Kirby "You're always talking about Wall Street, even when--" and then stops. Wholly embarrassed and humiliated, Mr. Kirby and Mrs. Kirby order Tony home with them immediately but Tony refuses to go. Alice agrees with Tony's parents, but Tony insists they stay. Grandpa offers his opinion, but before anyone can do anything, federal agents overrun the house. The head agent tells them that Ed's pamphlets from the candy boxes, on which he has printed anything that "sounds nice," read "DYNAMITE THE CAPITOL," "DYNAMITE THE WHITE HOUSE," "DYNAMITE THE SUPREME COURT," and "GOD IS THE STATE, THE STATE IS GOD." Grandpa tries to explain to the head agent, but he informs them they are all under arrest. The agents discover enormous amounts of gunpowder in the basement and think it is for dynamiting Washington, and one agent returns from the basement dragging Mr. DePinna with him, who was in the basement the whole time. DePinna desperately tries to explain to the agent that he had left his lit pipe downstairs and must go and get it, but the agent disregards him. Meanwhile, another agent brings down Gay Wellington from upstairs, singing drunkenly. Alice and Tony cling to each other while the family argues with the agents. At that moments, Mr. DePinna's lit pipe causes the fireworks to go off. Act II ends with the entire house in an uproar. The next day, Donald and Rheba sit in the kitchen reading the paper. The entire family was arrested. Mr. Kirby's presence during the arrest has caused scandal on Wall Street. Alice has decided to leave home, with no immediate plans to return. She was truly in love with Tony, and her family ruined her chances of ever falling in love, and for doing that, she can never forgive them. Penny keeps trying to tell Alice to stay, but Grandpa knows that Alice cannot be swayed. Tony arrives and tries to convince Alice not to leave home. Alice knows he loves her, but just can't get herself to stay. Soon, Mr. Kolenkhov appears with the Grand Duchess Olga Katrina, in all of her former glory. After discussing the sad fate of former Russian royals now working menial jobs in New York, the Grand Duchess soon insists upon going into the kitchen to cook the dinner for the family. Mr. Kirby arrives to pick up Tony and to settle his score with Grandpa Vanderhof. Soon, Mr. Kirby and Tony get into a heated argument, the pinnacle of which finds Tony admitting that he had purposely brought his family on the wrong night, the night before. He explains that he wanted each family to see each as they really were, that Alice's idea of a planned party was ridiculous. Grandpa Vanderhof jumps in and, with the family's help, persuades Kirby that his life is not as it should be. Grandpa accuses Mr. Kirby of wasting his life by doing things he does not want to do. Mr. Kirby puts up a big fight, with several valid points... but eventually succumbs. He is changed, and accepts the Vanderhof view of life. The play comes to a conclusion as the family, along with Tony and Mr. Kirby, sit down to dinner with the Grand Duchess. Grandpa says a touching prayer, and then they dive into the food.