Woman In Mind
Alan Ayckbourn
 Susan awakes to a man tending to her speaking apparent gibberish, actually misheard English (such as “Squeezy cow, squeezy” really meaning “Easy now, easy”). He is Dr. Windsor (or “octer bin sir”), and Susan suggests she's died and gone where no-one speaks English, and when Bill says “December bee” (“Remember me”), Susan retorts that there are no bees in December. When Bill's language starts to make sense, he explains she knocked herself out with a garden rake. After Bill leaves to fetch a cup of tea, Susan's husband (Andy), lovingly tends to her, joined by daughter Lucy and brother Tony,fresh from the tennis courts. All show concern for her welfare and tease her about the rake. Lucy and Tony fetch the ice, and Andy goes to cancel the ambulance Bill has ordered. When Bill returns, however, it is apparent something is not right. Bill sees a tiny garden, whilst Susan insists her garden is massive, complete with rose-beds, swimming pool, tennis courts and lake. Susan also denies having a sister-in-law or son and becomes more confused when Bill says that her husband has not yet come home. When her real husband (Gerald) and sister-in-law (Muriel) enter, Susan faints. The following day, Susan, dozing in the garden, is woken by Gerald. Now back in tune with the real world, she openly discusses the deadness of their marriage, something Gerald insensitively glosses over. Muriel serves “coffee”: ground coffee prepared as one would do instant. Indignantly Muriel points out she tended to her late mother, then late husband (or finished off, as Susan sees it) before digressing into her deluded conviction that her late husband's ghost will return with a message. When Gerald reminds Susan that their son, Rick, is coming for lunch, it transpires that he joined a sect two years ago that forbids members from talking to their parents. He writes, but only to Gerald. Susan, hurt by this, blames this (and Rick's fear of women) on the public school scholarship Gerald bullied him to take. Susan is momentarily distracted by glimpses of Tony and Lucy, before Bill returns to check on Susan, only to be drawn into Gerald's account of the book he's writing on the history of the Parish. Susan therefore takes the opportunity to talk to Lucy, who praises her for her status as a historical novelist, and then informs her (naturally Susan is the first to know) that she is getting married. In the real world, Bill agrees to stay for lunch (Muriel's “omelette surprise”, where she mistakes the tea tin for herbs). Gerald makes excuses for the sect, until confessing that Rick is coming to sell the possessions in his room – something that horrifies Susan as this is all she has left of him. Bill offers to act as a go-between so that Gerald and Susan can communicate with their son. When Rick arrives, even Gerald has trouble bringing himself into the house. But before Susan can enter, her imaginary family brings her a sumptuous outdoor banquet, and persuades her to dine with them instead. Rick then comes into the garden and, to Susan's surprise, asks her to come inside. As she goes to her son, she collapses again. Susan wakes to find Rick still speaking to her, explaining that he has left the sect he and now has a girlfriend. Her joy, however, is short-lived when she learns they are already married and they are moving to Thailand – her to do nursing, and him to do “odd jobs”. He will not even allow Susan to see her, because Rick is embarrassed by the way she acted around past girlfriends. Rick leaves a stung Susan to explain this to Gerald, who says “it's not fair to lay all the blame at your door”. They get into a fierce argument, with Susan egged on by Tony and Lucy (by now sitting in on most of Susan's conversations). Lucy tries to console Susan by praising her status as a brilliant heart surgeon. This time, Susan snaps at Lucy to shut up. Lucy runs off in tears, and Susan tries to apologise only for it to be accepted by Gerald. In the sunset of her imaginary world, Andy caresses Susan and forgives her for being angry with Lucy. Susan, now worried by the increasing influence that Lucy, Tony and Andy have on her real life, tries asks Andy to leave her alone. Andy says they will go when she asks, but stays when Susan does so, suggesting she didn't really mean it. The scene becomes unreal, with Andy anticipating everything Susan says, then the voices of Susan and her imaginary family coming out of both their mouths. Back in reality, Susan find Bill beside her (who fled on mention of a dessert, but has now returned). Susan confides to Bill about her hallucinations, and when asked about Rick, tells him a semi-fantasy where he is getting married, and she has met her daughter-in-law to be. Having previously hinted over his own family life – two daughters married to wheeler-dealer stockbrokers and a wife probably cheating with another doctor – Bill reveal how he feels about her, and his about to kiss her when Susan points to Lucy. Bill tries to humour Susan by talking where Susan pointed, but Lucy has already moved away. Tony and Andy arrive, and suddenly, Bill become part of her fantasy – now a wheeler-dealer stockbroker poaching rabbits. His is thrown into the lake, leaving Andy and Susan to reminisce on their own wedding day. As he kisses her, Susan weakly protests with “Oh dear God! I'm making love to the devil!” At an indeterminate time overnight, Gerald and Rick find Susan sprawled out on the middle of the lawn during a thunderstorm. Gerald tries to bring Susan inside, but she mocks him with an offer of a quiet divorce. It appears that Susan has burnt Gerald's precious book of the Parish, something Susan has no memory of. Then Muriel comes out screaming, having read a message of “Knickers off Muriel”. She refuses all pleas to come inside, denouncing Gerald for narrow-minded meanness, Rick as a priggish brat, and Muriel for wanting a phantom pregnancy. Tony appears and opens an umbrella and the storm ends in time for what initially appears to be Lucy's wedding, but Tony and Andy appear to be some sort of race stewards, and Lucy, although dressed as a bride, seems to be taking part in a “brides race”. Meanwhile, Bill becomes a clichéd bookie, Muriel is a heavily pregnant French maid, Gerald is an Archbishop and Susan's real son Rick (now an odd-job man), to her horror, seems to be the groom for her imaginary daughter Lucy. All kinds of snippets relating to her real life mesh together as a surrealistic nightmare. Ignoring Susan's protests, they all toast her, acclaiming Susan as precious to them all, demanding a speech. The final shred of reality is when Muriel says “The ambulance is on its way”, and a blue light flashes. Susan's speech descends into she same gibberish Bill used at the beginning of the play, and, with a desperate request to "December bee", she collapses a final time.