Asterix and the Goths
René Goscinny
 Asterix and Obelix, nervous about Getafix traveling alone to the annual druids' conference in the Forest of the Carnutes, decide to accompany him on his journey, provided that, as non-druids, they remain outside the forest during the conference. Meanwhile, on the Roman Empire's border, two legionaries are ambushed and tied up by a band of Goths (Tartaric, Esoteric, Atmospheric, Prehistoric and Choleric), intending to kidnap the Druid of the Year and use his magic to conquer Gaul and Rome. Asterix, Obelix and Getafix meet another druid, Valuaddetax, who uses his magical powers to convince the Romans that they are actually druids (he makes a legionary bray like a donkey by eating some herbs). At the edge of the Forest of the Carnutes, Getafix and his friend leave Asterix and Obelix for the druid's conference. Unaware that the Goth band is hiding nearby, the druids begin their conference. Getafix goes last and easily wins the "Golden Menhir" prize with his potion, which gives superhuman strength. Realizing Getafix is just the druid they need, the Goths ambush him while he is leaving the woods, tie him up in a bag, and take him away. Asterix and Obelix, fearing for their friend's safety after they do not see him leave the Forest, enter the woods and find a Visigoth helmet (actually a pickelhaube like those worn by Germans during the first years of World War I). They instantly set out towards the east (thoroughly confusing Obelix) to rescue Getafix. Unfortunately, they run into another Roman patrol, which spots the helmet Asterix is carrying and mistakes them for Goths (who are wanted for assaulting Roman border guards). Obelix and Asterix easily defeat the Romans, but the Roman general is informed of the incident and sends out pictures of Asterix and Obelix with a reward for their capture. Asterix has the bright idea of disguising himself and Obelix as Romans and ambush two legionaries, stealing their armor and weapons and leaving them tied up and gagged. Two other legionaries, searching for the Goths, come across our heroes, in which Obelix's laughter at what they should say if they meet other Romans almost blows his and Asterix's cover, although the legionaries think their fellow comrades' hair and whiskers are suspicious. Soon after, the two legionaries spot the two tied-up Romans and mistake them for Asterix and Obelix, 'a fat one and a little one'. Thinking another Legionary captured them and has gone for reinforcements they decide to take the reward, and take the prisoners to the general's tent. They are told they will get seats in the circus for this. When the captives are ungagged, however, the full story comes out, and the Romans promptly begin capturing each other left and right, believing each other to be Goths, much to the disappointment of the General. The two Legionaries, when asking about their seats, are told by the General they will get them in the best position, with the lions. Asterix and Obelix, back in Gaulish clothing, are completely untouched, along with the Goths, who approach the border. The Goths cross the Roman Empire's border back into Germania, stunning a young legionary whose eagerness to report an invasion becomes a running gag (He initially reports an 'invasion' of Goths invading the Goths, then an invasion of Gauls crossing into Germania- which his centurion dismisses as their territory isn't the one being invaded-, and then finally reports the Gauls returning to Gaul, which causes him to get 8 days inside). They present the druid first to a customs officer, who at first refuses to let them through on charges of importing foreign goods. Meanwhile, Asterix and Obelix also stun the young legionary and enter the Gothic lands. While running into a Gothic border patrol, Obelix stupidly uses the cover up names he and Asterix used for their Roman disguises, making the patrol think our heroes are Romans. After Asterix and Obelix beat up the patrol, they disguise themselves as Goths by attacking two of them, infiltrating their barracks as members of the army. Eventually, the Goths present Getafix to their Gothic chieftain, Metric, calls in a Gaulish-Gothic translator, Rhetoric, who is threatened to be executed if he does not convince Getafix to cooperate and brew magic potion. Although Getafix flatly refuses, Rhetoric lies and says that he has agreed to do so in a week's time, at the New Moon. Asterix and Obelix escape from the Gothic army, but are soon captured again by the Goths and thrown in jail along with Rhetoric, who was also trying to flee. Although they are thrown in prison, Obelix easily breaks the door (another running gag) and they flee, gagging Rhetoric and taking him with them to question. When he is ungagged, Rhetoric at first speaks Gothic, but accidentally reveals that he can speak Gaulish when he thanks Asterix for saying 'Bless you' when he sneezes, and when he refuses to spill the beans, Asterix allows Obelix to threaten to bash him, which makes Rhetoric immediately talk. While trying to sneak into the Gothic town, Rhetoric screams and attracts a patrol. Although Asterix and Obelix beat up the patrol, they surrender to the last standing man to be brought to the Chief. The Gauls are brought before Metric. Getafix reveals that he can actually speak Gothic and informs Metric that Rhetoric had been deceiving him. Once again, he is thrown in jail with the Gauls, and they are all sentenced to execution. Asterix, Obelix and Getafix devise a scheme in which many Goths are given magic potion, so that they spend time and energy fighting each other for Chieftainship instead of invading Gaul and Rome, which they figure Rhetoric may play a part in. Under the pretext of cooking a last Gaulish soup, Getafix gives the jailer a list of ingredients and brews the potion when he acquires them. During the public execution, Rhetoric asks to go first. Full of magic potion, he resists all attempts to torture, and beats up Metric, throwing him in jail and making himself Chieftain of the Goths. The Gauls visit Metric in his prison, and give him magic potion. As the two Chieftains had the same magic potion in them, a direct fight proves futile and each storms off, promising to raise an army. Meanwhile, the Gauls wander around the town, giving potion to any Goth who looks browbeaten and who would be glad of a chance of power (their first two candidates being Electric, who is poor and has to sweep up streets, and Euphoric, who is being bossed about by his dictator like wife). The would-be Chieftains each raise an army, and a confusing set of conflicts begins, known as the "Asterixian Wars", thus successfully sowing so much discord in Germania that the tribes will be more occupied with fighting each other rather than trying to invade other countries. Although their peace-keeping mission probably created more casualties than a Gothic invasion of Rome would, the three Gauls make it back to Gaul, again running into the over eager young legionary at the border, return home confident and are welcomed with open arms by the village, who throw their usual banquet in celebration.