Gentlemen Prefer Blondes
Anita Loos
 Responding to a male friend’s suggestion that she should write down her thoughts because it would make an interesting book, the blonde Lorelei Lee narrates the novel in the form of a diary complete with spelling and grammatical errors. Lorelei Lee had been working in movies in Hollywood when she met Mr. Gus Eisman, a button manufacturer from Chicago. He installs her in a New York apartment, visiting her whenever he is in town and spending a small fortune ‘educating’ her. This consists mostly of footing the bill for gowns from Madame Frances, jewellery from Cartier, dinners at the Ritz, orchids, parties, etc. She meets an English novelist named Gerry Lamson who disapproves of her relationship with Eisman. He intends to get divorced so that he can marry her to save her from such a man. Lorelei, fearing the scandal of being involved in a divorce and not wishing to give up the opportunity of a trip to Europe paid for by Eisman decides that she would not like to marry Gerry, who in any case bores her. Lorelei is dismayed that her friend Dorothy wastes her time with a boy named Mencken, who only writes for a magazine when she could be spending time with Mr. Goldmark, a wealthy movie producer. (This is an inside joke. Author Anita Loos was good friends with writer, essayist and literary magazine editor, H.L. Mencken.) She and Dorothy set sail for Europe on the RMS Majestic; Mr. Eisman promises to meet them in Paris later. Lorelei is distressed when she realises District Attorney Bartlett is also onboard ship. She relates to a sympathetic Major Falcon the story of how she came to know Bartlett. She reveals that her father packed her off to Business College in Little Rock. While training to be a stenographer, a lawyer named Mr. Jennings offered to employ her. She learned that he was a sexual predator, became hysterical and shot him. During the trial, which Mr. Bartlett prosecuted, Lorelei gave such compelling testimony that the gentlemen of the jury all burst into tears and she was acquitted. This prompted Judge Hibbard to buy a ticket to Hollywood for her so that she could use her talent to become a professional actress. He also names her ‘Lorelei’ because he believed it expressed her personality. Major Falcon informs Lorelei that Bartlett is now a senator travelling to Vienna for a secret conference. Major Falcon reveals that his mission is to find out what Bartlett is up to in Vienna. He encourages Lorelei to become friends with Bartlett, discover official secrets, and pass them on to him. Meanwhile, Lorelei deplores Dorothy's wasting time with a man who is a mere tennis champion. Bartlett, who is attempting to seduce Lorelei, agrees to tell her of his mission in Vienna if she will accompany him there. She agrees and he admits that he is negotiating a deal for military hardware. Lorelei decides she prefers Major Falcon to Bartlett and does not go to Vienna, but hides out in her cabin until Bartlett debarks. They arrive in London where it seems the aristocrats are selling off all their family jewels to wealthy Americans. Lorelei meets Mrs. Weeks, who is selling a diamond tiara for ten thousand pounds. She casts her eye around the room for a wealthy man to buy it for her and settles on Sir Francis Beekman, whom Lorelei calls ‘Piggie’. She is warned that he is a miser, but with flattery and the promise of discretion (because he is married) she manages to get him to buy the tiara for her. Dorothy takes up with an unemployed ballroom-dancer named Gerry. They meet the Prince of Wales and Dorothy teaches him some American slang. They sail to Paris. Lorelei thinks it is divine; she is especially impressed with Coty, Cartier and the ‘Eyeful’ Tower. She spends time with a French viscount but he spends hardly any money on her. It leads her to decide that a kiss on the hand may make one feel very good but a diamond tiara lasts forever. Sir Francis Beekman’s wife, Lady Beekman, has learned that her husband bought the diamond tiara for Lorelei and arrives in Paris to confront her. She is furious because in thirty-five years of marriage her husband has never given her a gift. She accuses Lorelei of seducing her husband. Dorothy defends Lorelei’s reputation (to great comic effect). The next morning, Mr. Robert Broussard bursts into their room and rants at them in French. As they do not speak French, Broussard telephones his son, Louis to act as translator. They learn that Robert is Lady Beekman’s lawyer. Through a French waiter named Leon, (who speaks English) Lorelei learns that Robert and Louis plan to show the ladies the Paris sights, while charging everything to Lady Beekman and while waiting for an opportunity to steal the tiara from Lorelei to give to Lady Beekman. They go to Fontainebleau, the Folies Bergere and the Palace of Versailles. Lorelei has made a paste copy of the diamond tiara and, by playing one against the other she manages to keep the real tiara and send them away with the fake one. Mr. Eisman arrives in Paris and after many shopping trips with Lorelei he moves on to Vienna to look at a button factory he may want to buy. He puts Lorelei and Dorothy on the Orient Express, telling them to meet him in Vienna. Lorelei meets Henry Spoffard, who comes from one of the most famous and affluent families in Philadelphia. He is a staunch Presbyterian, prohibitionist and moralist. He censors movies. Lorelei too is a reformist – she is trying to reform Dorothy. They arrive in Munich but are not impressed by the art museums, theatre or eating habits of the Germans. Lorelei begins to fear arriving in Vienna, wondering how she can spend time with both Mr. Eisman and Mr. Spoffard. In Vienna, Lorelei meets ‘Dr. Froyd’ (Sigmund Freud) at the request of Spoffard who is concerned about her health. Lorelei tells Freud that she has always done as she likes. Freud decides he cannot analyse Lorelei because she has never repressed a desire. He advises her to cultivate some inhibitions. Lorelei and Dorothy visit The Demel Restaurant, where Mr. Spoffard’s mother is being cautioned by her companion, Miss Chapman about Lorelei’s character. Miss Chapman suggests to Spoffard’s mother that Lorelei is the reason her son has been neglectful of her of late. Fearing that Miss Chapman will cause Spoffard to renounce her company, she takes Spoffard out for a moonlit drive and tells him all about herself and her beginnings in Little Rock. She puts a slant on the story that makes it sound like a Puritan spiritual biography. Spoffard begins to cry because of the ordeals Lorelei has suffered and even compares her to Mary Magdalene. He arranges for Lorelei to meet his mother. Explaining that she is a Christian Scientist, Lorelei tells Spoffard’s mother that if there is no disease then there is no harm in anything, so why not drink champagne? Spoffard’s mother, who enjoys the champagne, decides that Christian Science is a better religion than Presbyterianism. Lorelei gives her a beautiful hat to wear, but since Spoffard’s mother has an Edwardian hairstyle, it does not fit. Lorelei whips out some scissors and bobs Spoffard’s mother’s hair. The meeting is a success. Lorelei and Dorothy go on to Budapest with Mr. Eisman who has decided not to do business in Europe. Mr. Spoffard writes, proposing marriage to Lorelei. This puts her in a quandary. Spoffard has money but she is no attracted to him. Henry Spoffard is waiting for Lorelei when she arrives in New York. He tells her he has looked everywhere for an engagement ring but none were good enough for her, so he gives her his college ring. Using all her self-control, she tells him she happy he is so full of nothing but sentiment. Lorelei decides that she should come out into polite society and plans a debutante ball for herself. The debut ball lasts three days. It is reported on the front page of the newspapers. Society sports club members mix with bootleggers. The police are called but Dorothy wins over Judge Schultzmeyer. Unsure about marrying Spoffard, Lorelei decides to discourage his love by going on a mammoth shopping spree and charging it all to him. Whilst on the train to New York, she meets Gilbertson Montrose, a movie scenario writer. She realises how much more fascinating Montrose is compared to Spoffard. She enlists Dorothy’s help to get rid of Spoffard. Dorothy shows Spoffard everything Lorelei has bought and tells him she has gone to look at the Russian crown jewels with a view to buying them. She tells him that there is mental illness in Lorelei’s family and that she is pathologically extravagant. Meanwhile, Lorelei is having lunch with the fascinating Mr. Montrose. She tells him of her plan to rid herself of Spoffard. When Montrose expresses regret because he hoped Spoffard could be made to finance his new movie and she would star in the lead role, Lorelei decides she would like to marry Spoffard and have a movie career. Fearing she has already lost Spoffard, she telephones Dorothy but Spoffard has already left for Penn Station. Lorelei rushes to him and informs him that her extravagance was faked – every jewel she bought was paste and it was a test of his love. She says he fell into the trap and should be ashamed of himself. Remorseful, Spoffard vows to marry her and finance Montrose’s movie. Lorelei gets everything she wants but says she is simply happy to make everyone else happy.