diff --git "a/joey_friends.csv" "b/joey_friends.csv" new file mode 100644--- /dev/null +++ "b/joey_friends.csv" @@ -0,0 +1,7301 @@ +questioner,question,joey,answer +monica,whatever ross! just replace the bulbs in the brake lights after you’re done.,joey,hey! +phoebe,hey!,joey,"saw the porsche out there mon, lookin’ good. when do i get to take that baby out again?" +ross,look rach if-if you want to go for a ride in the porsche i’ll be glad to take you for a quick spin around the block.,joey,"yeah, you got a couple hours?" +man,hey guys!,joey,hey! +phoebe,what? oh. ooh. whoa! that one kept going.,joey,so! you and phoebe huh? how long have you been going out? +man,over a month.,joey,"wow! maybe uh, maybe you and i ought to get to know each other a little better." +man,"sure, i’d like that.",joey,"so uh, what’s your name?" +man,its jake.,joey,"joey. hey jake, do you like the knicks?" +jake,"yeah, big fan.",joey,me too! there’s a game on tuesday do you wanna go? +monica,how much did ever really win before?,joey,pheebs! +phoebe,hey!,joey,"listen, you know how uh, when you’re wearing pants and you lean forward i check out your underwear?" +phoebe,yeah!,joey,"well, when jake did it i saw that…he was wearing women’s underwear!" +phoebe,i know. they were mine.,joey,"oh. no! no wait, that’s weird!" +phoebe,"no, it’s not! we were just goofing around and i dared him to try them on.",joey,that’s weird! +phoebe,i’m wearing his briefs right now.,joey,that’s…kinda hot. +phoebe,i think so too. and that little flap? great for holding my lipstick.,joey,"yeah, i wouldn’t know about that." +phoebe,and! y’know what jake says? that women’s underwear is actually more comfortable. and he loves the way the silk feels against his skin.,joey,"yeah well next thing you know, he’ll be telling you that your high heels are good for his posture!" +phoebe,there is nothing wrong with jake! okay? he is all man! i’m thinking even more than you.,joey,"oh yeah, he looked like a real lumberjack in those pink laceys." +phoebe,i’m just saying that only a man completely secure with his masculinity could walk around in women’s underwear! i don’t think you could ever do that.,joey,hey! i am secure with my masculinity. +phoebe,okay whatever.,joey,you’ve seen my huge stack of porn right? +monica,"can we have our drinks please?! waiter—uh, tress!",joey,hey pheebs! +phoebe,hey!,joey,check it out. how much of a man am i?! +phoebe,wow! nice! manly and also kind of a slut.,joey,"y’know, i’m beginning to see what jake was talking about." +phoebe,uh-huh.,joey,the silk? feels really good! +phoebe,huh.,joey,yeah! and-and things aren’t as…smashed down as i thought they were gonna be. +phoebe,that’s great joe!,joey,yeah! and you have so many more choices than you do with men’s underwear! +phoebe,uh-huh.,joey,"bikini, french cut, thong! and-and the fabrics! you’ve got cotton, silk, lace! and y’know what i’ve always wondered about?" +phoebe,hmm?,joey,pantyhose! y’know? they way they start at your toe and go all the way up to here… i should go take these off shouldn’t i? +phoebe,feel better?,joey,"yeah! much! listen uh, not that i’m y’know insecure about my manhood or anything y’know, but i think i need to hook up with a woman like right now." +phoebe,"yeah, i understand.",joey,yeah! okay! hey! hi! +woman,hi!,joey,"y’know, you look familiar. do i know you from somewhere?" +woman,i don’t think so.,joey,oh! maybe it’s because i’m on television. i’m an actor on days of our lives. +woman,wow!,joey,yeah. +woman,really?!,joey,hm-mmm. +waitress,$4.50 please.,joey,"oh, let me get this. these are for you." +ross,monday?!,joey,how long do you have to go for? +chandler,they said it could be up to a year.,joey,a year?! +chandler,"there is nothing like the support of your loving wife, huh?",joey,"wait a minute, you cant go to tulsa. maybe you forgot, but weve got tickets to the jets game next week." +chandler,"im sorry buddy, but i dont think im gonna be able to make it.",joey,we were gonna go see the jets! +ross,not you.,joey,i cant believe you guys are moving. +everyone,no!!! ah!! ahh!!!,joey,here you are +rachel,every time?,joey,uhuh. +phoebe,its so weird seeing ross and rachel with a baby. its just so grown up.,joey,"i know, yeah. i feel like were all growing up. person named wiener, god that kills me." +phoebe,look at you all grown up.,joey,"actually, you know what? i am. that whole thing with rachel made me realize that maybe im ready for a more serious relationship. you know? like id like to meet a nice mature commitment-minded lady. and looks arent as important as...nah, shes gotta be hot." +phoebe,"you know, i might know somebody. hey, how about you set me up with someone, and we double date!",joey,"i can do that, yeah. how is friday?" +phoebe,"done. oh good, really?",joey,yeah! +phoebe,"lets see! oh, you know whos great? sandy poophack.",joey,poophack... +phoebe,hey!,joey,hey! +phoebe,so how is this for our big double date tonight?,joey,oh my god! +phoebe,"ooh, great! just the reaction i was hoping for.",joey,"yeah, so you found someone for me. you didnt forget?" +phoebe,"of course not! and youre gonna love mary ellen. shes really smart and cute and funny, and i cant tell you how i know this, but she not opposed to threesomes. so tell me some about my guy.",joey,no. +phoebe,"come on, give me something. whats his name?",joey,mike. +phoebe,mike? okay! whats his last name?,joey,damnit! is there no mystery left in romance anymore!? +phoebe,"all right, well se you and mike at the restaurant in a couple hours.",joey,why did i have to say mike? i dont know a mike! why couldnt i have said... theres no guy in there! +monica,that i was going to eat him.,joey,mike!!! +mike,yeah?,joey,okay! +mike,"i gotta tell you, i cant believe im doing this with you. although i did just get out of a nine-year relationship, so i guess i should be open and taking some risks.",joey,"everything is gonna be fine. just follow my lead, okay? all you have to do is pretend to be mike." +mike,i am mike.,joey,atta boy! +mike,"how do i and joey know each other? wow, if i had a nickel for every time somebody has asked me that.",joey,from school. +mike,"well, im a lawyer.",joey,"mike, attorney at law!" +mike,"actually, i just gave up my practice.",joey,what? thats the kinda thing you usually run by me. +phoebe,"wow, thats great! i liked that better than the law thing, so...",joey,which is why i waited until now to introduce you to mike. +mary ellen,i thought you thought he was still a lawyer.,joey,"no, no, thats not what i meant. lets get you a cocktail." +phoebe,"you know, its so surprising that you and joey have known each other for so long and ive never heard about you.",joey,"yeah, thats because we had a bit of a falling out. mike hit my mom with a car." +mike,"no, i didnt.",joey,"thats okay mike, i have forgiven you. and now were friends again everythings great! mary ellen wait, is your mom okay?" +mike,what?!,joey,what?! +phoebe,do you not know each other?,joey,"of course we do! mike is playing a game that we used to play in high school. yeah, where we pretend we dont know each other. we played all kinds of games. hey, remember the one where i punch you in the face for not being cool?!" +mike,six!,joey,what are you doing? i said seven! argh!!! +phoebe,"joey, why did you set me up with a stranger?",joey,"because i forgot about our date, im so sorry." +phoebe,who are you kidding? you just find some guy off the street for me? oh god! this is humiliating!,joey,"look phoebe im so sorry! hey, look, if you dont like this guy i can find you a better one. mike!! mike!!" +mike,it was nice meeting you!,joey,youre leaving too? +mary ellen,ill stay if you can tell me my name.,joey,good night! +phoebe,"oh, you just caught me off guard! yeah, that would be nice.",joey,look at this. my two best friends! +chandler,whats the matter joe?,joey,im mad at you for leaving! youre nothing but a big leaver. big leaver with a stupid suitcase. +chandler,any chance you are trying to pick a fight to make all this easier?,joey,"dude, you see right thru me!!" +cut to,monica and chandlers apartment.,joey,double promise? call me when you land. +monica,can i talk now?,joey,"okay, bye." +monica,joey?,joey,he had to board. +chandler,hi!,joey,monica? what time is it? +chandler,"uhh, 9.",joey,but its dark out. +monica,"well thats because you always sleep to noon, silly! this is what 9 looks like.",joey,i guess ill get washed up then. watch that sunrise. +ross,hey.,joey,hey! +ross,i have no idea. i mean… but-but i assure you i will figure it out.,joey,"doesn’t seem like its going to work, i mean…" +rachel,"hi, guys!",joey,hi! +chandler,were flipping monicas mattress.,joey,"so im thinking, basically we pick it up and then we flip it." +monica,"hey, joeys ass! what are you doing?",joey,"well, remember when they got in that big fight and broke up and we were all stuck in her with no food or anything? well, when ross said rachel at the wedding, i figured it was gonna happen again, so i hid this in here." +chandler,condoms?,joey,you dont know how long were gonna be in here! we may have to repopulate the earth. +chandler,damn rollos!,joey,"hey, youre back!" +chandler,hey.,joey,how was your conference? +chandler,"it was terrible. i fought with my colleagues yknow, the entire time. are you kidding with this?",joey,"oh, so your weekend was a total bust?" +monica,hi!,joey,"hey, youre back too!" +monica,"yeah. umm, chandler can i talk to you outside for a second?",joey,"hey, how was your chef thing?" +monica,urghh!!,joey,what are you guys woofing about? +monica,chandler stole a twenty from my purse!,joey,"nooooo!!! yknow what? now that i think about it, i constantly find myself without twenties and you always have lots!" +ross,you shouldve seen the look on her face. i dont want rachel to hate me! i dont know what to do.,joey,you want my advice? +ross,yes! please!,joey,youre not gonna like it. +ross,thats okay.,joey,you got married to fast. +ross,thats not advice!,joey,i told ya. +ross,im going to the bathroom.,joey,"man, if anyone asked me to give up any of you, i couldnt do it." +rachel,hi!,joey,"hi, rach." +rachel,"look, i know you guys heard about the whole thing with me and ross but yknow, ive been obsessing about it all day and id just love not to talk about it. all right?",joey,"i-i-i dont know if this falls under this category, but uh, ross is right back there." +rachel,"oh my god, its happening. its already started. im kip.",joey,"hey, youre not kip!" +rachel,do you even know who kip is?,joey,who cares? youre rachel! whos kip? +chandler,"kip, my old roommate, yknow we all used to hang out together.",joey,"oh, that poor bastard." +chandler,hey!,joey,"hey, mr. bing. that uh, hotel you stayed at called. said someone left an eyelash curler in your room." +chandler,yes that was mine.,joey,cause i figured youd hooked up with some girl and shed left it there. +chandler,yes that would have made more sense.,joey,"yknow, i-i dont even feel like i know you anymore man! all right, look, im just gonna ask you this one time. and whatever you say, ill believe ya. were you, or were you not on a gay cruise?!" +rachel,i know that too.,joey,"hey, rach? sorry to interrupt but umm, phoebe wanted me to talk to you about a trip or something." +rachel,"yeah, its in there.",joey,oh! ohh! oh!! +chandler,"joey, can i talk to you for a second?",joey,oohh!! ohh! oh-oh-oh! oh-oh!! +chandler,yes. yes.,joey,you?! and-and you?! +monica,"yes, but you cannot tell anyone! no one knows!",joey,how?! when?! +chandler,it happened in london.,joey,in london!!! +chandler,the reason we didnt tell anyone was because we didnt want to make a big deal out of it.,joey,but it is a big deal!! i have to tell someone! +monica,"please? please?! we just dont want to deal with telling everyone, okay? just promise you wont tell.",joey,"all right! man, this is unbelievable! i mean, its great, but…" +monica,"i know, its great!",joey,"aww, i dont want to see that!" +monica,count in our heads as-as good madlibs.,joey,i guess im done. +rachel,uh-huh!,joey,i think im gonna take-off. +ross,"i found a note on my door, come to monica’s quick, bring champagne and a three musketeers bar.",joey,yeah i’ll take that. +monica,i’m engaged!!!!!! i’m engaged!!!!,joey,"yeah, she’s been out there for twenty minutes, i’m surprised you didn’t hear her on the way over." +monica,y’know what we should do? we should all get dressed up and go to have champagne at the plaza.,joey,"but i-i-i can’t stay too long, i gotta get up early for a commercial audition tomorrow and i gotta look good. i’m supposed to be playing a 19-year-old. what?" +chandler,"so when you said, get up early, did you mean 1986?",joey,you guys don’t think i look 19? +chandler,okay.,joey,"hey, is uh the rest of my candy bar around here?" +phoebe,"oh honey no, you ate it all.",joey,i was afraid of that. +ross,"okay, this is getting a little crazy. i mean, i’m-i’m sure it would be amazing but i…gotta say i really-really don’t think it would be a good idea. y’know? i really, really…don’t.",joey,‘sup? ‘sup dude? +chandler,"take whatever you want, just please don’t hurt me.",joey,"so you’re playing a little playstation, huh? that’s whack! playstation is whack! ‘sup with the whack playstation, ‘sup?! huh? come on, am i 19 or what?!" +chandler,"yes, on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely 19.",joey,"come on man, really how old?!" +chandler,"young! you’re a man-child okay?! now go get changed because everybody’s ready and please, oh please, keep my underwear!",joey,wow thanks! +chandler,joe?,joey,yeah! +chandler,"uhh, you’ve had a lot of sex right?",joey,"when? today? some, not a lot." +chandler,"well, it’s just the reason that i’m asking is because i kind of eh, uh, i was unable to—i mean i really wanted too, but i couldn’t…. there huh—hmm, there-there was an incident.",joey,"don’t worry about that man, that happens." +chandler,it’s happened to you?,joey,yeah! once. +chandler,"well, what’d you do?",joey,i did it anyway. +ross,look let’s not make a big deal out of this! it was a one time thing. it doesn’t even matter!,joey,oh my god! i cannot believe you guys are talking about this! the problems in the bedroom are between the man and the woman!!! all right?!! now chandler is doing the best he can!! +phoebe,"what a great night, chandler can’t do it, these guys kissed…",joey,what? +chandler,what?!,joey,you guys kissed! oh my—this is huge! +phoebe,"well yeah, that and chandler’s problem.",joey,"monica-monica-monica-monica, listen-listen, listen, listen, would-would it make you feel better if we all stop talking about ross and rachel." +monica,yes that would be lovely.,joey,"you got it. okay. now, i can pass for 19 right?!" +chandler,"yes, you can pass for 19.",joey,really? +chandler,yes!,joey,seriously? +chandler,"seriously? seriously, no! you can play your own age which is 31!",joey,i’m 30! +rachel,"joey, you are not! you’re 31.",joey,aww crap! +monica,"no-no, i-i really don’t want to talk about it! i don’t! especially with you.",joey,"psss, that is whack!" +phoebe,"yeah? okay, i think i’ll play it at the wedding.",joey,"yeah! well, i think we’ll see if they actually let you play. huh? i mean they tell you anything you want to hear like-like, you look 19, and then they just take it away like-like, no you don’t." +phoebe,"well, i don’t think monica is gonna take this away.",joey,wouldn’t she? +phoebe,would she?,joey,would she? you ate my candy bar! +phoebe,"oh, i see.",joey,"they break your heart, don’t they?" +phoebe,"y’know, i don’t really their permission.",joey,"yeah! if you wanna sing at their wedding, well you sing at their wedding!" +phoebe,"yeah! and if you wanna look 19, then you… you gotta do something about your eyes.",joey,what?! what’s wrong with my eyes. +phoebe,they give you away! there’s just-there’s just too much wisdom in there. just put some tea bags on there for like 15 minutes.,joey,and that’ll get rid of my wisdom? +rachel,i am so gonna miss watching you freak people out like that!,joey,"okay, uh pheebs, quick. look! this is for the babies to look at someday, so is-is there anything you want to say? yknow before it all starts?" +phoebe,"okay, so umm, somebody has to call frank and alice. and then my mom wants to know--joey, what are you doing?!",joey,i gotta get the before shot! +chandler,okay.,joey,"oh! and so the miracle of life begins, and aaiiyyyeeee!" +chandler,hey! you okay?,joey,"ooh, something hurts!" +phoebe,"ooh, its sympathy pains. ohh, thats so sweet!",joey,are they? i didnt know i cared that much. +rachel,monica? you gonna be very proud of me. i just got us dates with two unbelievably cute nurses.,joey,oh my! +rachel,theyre male nurses.,joey,not in my head. +rachel,"okay, youre coming with me, and i also told them that if were still here when they get off that well go down to the cafeteria and have some jell-o with them.",joey,yep! theres always room for jell-o… +rachel,"joey, how do you make that dirty?",joey,"oh, its easy. yeah, i-i can do it with anything. watch uh, grandmas chicken salad…" +ross,"hey, where are monica and rachel anyway?",joey,"oh, a couple of nurses asked them out. maybe theyre with them." +chandler,really? male nurses?,joey,"yeah, i was bummed too." +chandler,so theyre going on dates? when?,joey,i think saturday—. +chandler,fine! maybe i will too!,joey,"hey, you guys! look what i found in the giiiiiiift shop. get up! get up! get up!" +joeys doctor,"mr. tribbiani, im afraid youve got kidney stones.",joey,"umm, well, what else could it be?" +joeys doctor,its kidney stones.,joey,or? +monica,feeling a little better sweetie?,joey,"well, maybe a little. i wish you hadnt seen me throw up." +joeys doctor,"kidney stones! now, ordinarily mr. tribbiani, we try to break up the stones up with shock waves, but theyre to close to the bladder now. which means we can either wait for you to pass them or else go up the urethra…",joey,"whoa-whoa! no-no-no-no-no, nothing is going up! okay? up, up is not an option—whats a urethra? are you crazy?!" +phoebe,"oo, this is a big one. eww! arghhhh!!",joey,"ohh, get these things out of me!" +ross,breathe! breathe! breathe throw the pain.,joey,"i want the drugs ross, i want the drugs!" +ross,i do too! i do too!,joey,argh! +ross,argh!,joey,argh! +alice,"oh, we have our babies.",joey,oh my god. +joeys doctor,would you like to see them?,joey,theyre so small! +chandler,"hi, my name’s chandler. i just moved in next door and i was wondering if you would be interested in battling me in a post-apoplectic world for control of the galaxies last remaining energy source?",joey,"yeah, but, hey look, don’t go through her stuff. she gets really mad." +rachel,"but, pheebs, you can still use the copy machine where i actually work. but, just come by at lunch so my boss doesn’t see you. cause kim will just freak out and she already doesn’t like me very much.",joey,"or maybe, it’s because you’re hanging around here at 11:30 on a wednesday." +phoebe,"what am i supposed to do? ask every guy i make out with if he’s married? no, yeah, i should.",joey,"hey. uh, can i talk to you for a second? this, uh, kid in this picture. do you, uh, know this kid? is that like a relative or something?" +janine,"well, i’m sorry. i just thought i’d try to make the place a little nicer.",joey,"yeah but it’s too much stuff. you know like, you got the candles and the foofy schmoofer thing here and over here you got a picture of a watering can." +janine,"no no no no, it’s potpourri. you’re supposed to smell it.",joey,well that’s like summer in a bowl. +ross,"hmm-hmm-hmm. okay. i, uh, am from long island. i-i came to the city for college. um, i, um, have a 5 year old son and in my spare time i like to read spy novels. but, but, let’s talk more about you. hmm.",joey,"so what’s really neat. if you sear the stems of the flowers first in a frying pan, your arrangement will look fresh much longer." +chandler,"you’re arranging flowers! you got dead flowers! you got a picture, a picture, of a baby dressed like flowers! this is not joey!!",joey,"hey. hey look i am still joey, okay. flowers they’re just, you know, they’re nice to look at. and that happens to be a picture by a famous artist. of a famous baby." +kim,kenny the copyboy. ending credits,joey,"i’m sorry but we’ve got to get rid of all this girlie stuff in here. i, uh, i got to be a man! okay. the living room has to remain a guy place, okay? that’s just the way it has to be." +chandler,how about joey... pepponi?,joey,"no, still too ethnic. my agent thinks i should have a name thats more neutral." +chandler,joey... switzerland?,joey,"plus, yknow, i think it should be joe. yknow, joey makes me sound like im, i dunno, this big. which im not." +chandler,joe...joe...joe...stalin?,joey,stalin...stalin...do i know that name? it sounds familiar. +chandler,"well, it does not ring a bell with me...",joey,"joe stalin. yknow, thats pretty good." +chandler,might wanna try joseph.,joey,joseph stalin. i think youd remember that! +chandler and joey,hey.,joey,whereve you been? +ross,she says marcels humping things not a phase. apparently hes reached sexual maturity.,joey,hey! he beat ya. +ross,im gonna have to give him up.,joey,"i cant believe it, ross. this sucks!" +ross,"i know. i know. i mean, one day, hes this little thing, and before you know it, hes this little thing i cant get off my leg.",joey,isnt there any way you can keep him? +ross,"no, no. the vet says unless hes in a place where he has regular access to some... monkey lovin, hes just gonna get vicious. ive just gotta get him into a zoo.",joey,how do you get a monkey into a zoo? +chandler,what?,joey,did you call the cops? +rachel,"oh, somebody will.",joey,you know there already is a joseph stalin? +chandler,youre kidding.,joey,apparently he was this russian dictator who slaughtered all these people. youd think you wouldve known that! +chandler,"yknow, youd think i wouldve.",joey,phoebe. whaddyou think a good stage name for me would be? +chandler and joey,"he- he- he got in, he- he got in to san diego.",joey,"we, we come back from our walk and the- the phone was ringing..." +chandler,"okay, bye, champ. now, i know theres gonna be a lot of babes in san diego, but remember, theres also a lot to learn.",joey,"i dunno what to say, ross. uh, its a monkey." +ross,"just, just say what you feel.",joey,"marcel, im hungry." +casting director no. 2,next.,joey,"hi, uh, ill be reading for the role of mercutio." +casting director no. 2,name?,joey,holden mcgroin. +rachel,"so, i’m in my apartment doing the soap opera digest crossword puzzle, and guess who the clue is for three down.",joey,"three down, days of our lives star blank tribbiani. that’s me!! i’m blank!!" +monica,how cool is this?! we know three down! i’m touching three down!,joey,yeah you are baby. +rachel,so did they call you to tell you your name’s gonna be in this?,joey,"no. they really like me over there. they want to do a big profile on me, but i said no." +ross,why’d you say no?,joey,"remember what happened the last time i did an interview for them? i said i write a lot of my own lines, and then the writers got mad and made my character fall down the elevator shaft. so who knows what i might say this time." +rachel,"okay, don’t listen to him. please?",joey,"fine! all right, i’ll do it. but hey! you guys have to be at the next table so you can stop me if i y’know, start to say something stupid." +rachel,"come on! we will be there for you the whole time! just remember gal pal rachel green. ha-ha! i’m gonna be in soap opera digest! and not just in the dumb crossword puzzle. seriously, proud of you.",joey,yeah. +the interviewer,i really appreciate you taking the time to do this.,joey,"oh, not at all. happy to do it." +the interviewer,y’know i think its great you wanted to meet here. y’know when most people hear the magazine is paying for it they want to go to a big fancy restaurant.,joey,"actually, i didn’t know the magazine was paying for it. wouldn’t have mattered, i’m doing this for the fans, not for the free food." +the interviewer,"umm, i’ll have a cup of coffee.",joey,and i’ll have all the muffins. +host,"folks, has this ever happened to you. you go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk, and these darn cartons are so flingin-flangin hard to open.",joey,"oh, you said it mike. aw! theres got to be a better way!" +mike,"this is the first time he’s ever used this product, hes never used this product before, youre gonna see how easy this is to do. go ahead. this works with any milk carton.",joey,"wow, it is easy. now, i can have milk everyday." +from episode 703,"the one with phoebe’s cookies, rachel is teaching joey how to sail joey: look at this clown! just because he’s got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. get out of the way jackass! who names their boat coast guard anyway?",joey,what are they doing out here? the coast’s all the way over there. +phoebe,hey! check it out! this is unbelievable! joey has been holding his breath for almost four minutes!,joey,dude! what are yo—you trying to kill me?! +chandler,all right! isnt this a womans hat?,joey,"dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea!" +both,three.,joey,yeah. +chandler,we have free porn here!!!,joey,"in my spare time i uh, read to the blind. and i’m also a mento for the kids. y’know a mento, a role model." +the interviewer,a mento…,joey,right. +the interviewer,like the candy?,joey,"matter of fact, i do." +the interviewer,"well umm, another thing our readers always want to know is how our soap stars stay in such great shape. do you have some kind of fitness regime?",joey,"uh, we stars just try to eat right and get lots of exercise." +ross,wow! we are pretty good at this!,joey,yeah! +ross,hey! we totally forgot about lunch!,joey,"oh, i-i, i think thats the first time i ever missed a meal! yeah, my pants are a little loose!" +chandler,this sounds like a hernia. you have to—you-you—go to the doctor!,joey,"no way! ‘kay look, if i have to go to the doctor for anything it’s gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach! why did i have to start working out again? damn you 15s!" +rachel,"it’s a trifle. it’s got all of these layers. first there’s a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam, then custard, which i made from",joey,what’s not to like? custard? good. jam? good. meat? goooooood. +rachel,"hey, come on now!",joey,"all right, what are we havin’?" +gunther,your muffins.,joey,i’ll take those to go. for the kids. +the interviewer,"oh, i know what i wanted to ask you. you were on the show years ago and then they killed you off. what happened there?",joey,"it was so stupid, i said some stuff in an interview that i shouldn’t have said. but believe me, that’s not gonna happen today." +the interviewer,"understood. so, what’d you say back then?",joey,"well, i said that i…" +the interviewer,"umm, i’m gonna just go get this warmed up.",joey,okay. +chandler,mento?,joey,no thanks. +rachel,"oh, joey! sorry!",joey,no that’s all right. don’t worry about it. +rachel,oh but look! that’s gonna leave a stain!,joey,rach! hey! it’s fine! you’re at joey’s! +rachel,really?,joey,yeah! look! +rachel,i’ve never lived like this before.,joey,i know. +ross,"all right ive been feeling incredibly guilty about this, because i wanna be a good friend, and damnit i am a good friend. so just, just shut up and close your eyes .",joey,"wow, you are a good friend, course the audition was this morning, and i didnt get it. but that was a hell of a kiss. rachel is a very lucky girl." +phoebe,"no!! hey-hey thats not a nutter-butter, thats just an old wonton!",joey,yeah. +monica,"you can’t say that!! you-you don’t know!! i mean i thought i was gonna pass out from the pain! anyway i-i tried, but i-i couldn’t...bend that way. so...",joey,"that’s right i stepped up! she’s my friend and she needed help! and if i had too, i’d pee on anyone of you!" +the interviewer,"so umm, now back to the show. how does it feel to have a huge gay fan base?",joey,really? me? wow! i don’t even know any huge gay people! +the interviewer,"now, off the record, you’re not…",joey,"what? are you referring to my mans bag? at first, i thought it just looked good, but its practical too. check it out! its got compartments for all your stuff! your wallet! your keys! your address book!" +ross,okay. now-now-now should i climb down your front so we’re face to face or-or should i climb down your back so we’re-we’re butt to face.,joey,i think face to face. +ross,i would say that.,joey,"face to face, yeah!" +ross,"okay, here i go.",joey,all right. +ross,"i prefer not to answer that right now, i’m still carrying a little holiday weight.",joey,"y’know, when we talked about face to face, i don’t think we thought it all the way through." +phoebe,wow! nice! manly and also kind of a slut.,joey,"it’s not what you said. it’s the way you said it… oh my god, i’m a woman!!!" +ross,it really was.,joey,"uh me? gay? no! no. no, but i have a number of close friends who are." +the interviewer,"so, let’s talk about women. i’m sure our female readers will be interested to know about your romantic life.",joey,"oh-oh-oh-oh, how i do it is, i look a woman up and down and say, hey, how you doin’?" +phoebe,"oh, please!",joey,"hey, how you doin’?" +woman,he has the most amazing porsche under there!,joey,"i’d love to show ya, but i just tucked her in. she’s sleeping. hey uh, would you two girls like to go for a drink?" +rachel,"and that’s phoebe , and that’s joey.",joey,"hey, how you doin’?" +janine,"no! i mean youre a really nice guy and im happy to be your roommate and your friend, im just yknow, i just dont feel that way about you.",joey,"oh! i see what happened. its because i was trying to repel you. right? believe me, youd feel a lot different if i turned it on." +janine,i dont think so.,joey,"oh, i do. how you doin?" +janine,im okay.,joey,what?!?! oh dear god! +the interviewer,"so, that’s it. i guess that’s all i need. thank you so much. i think they will be running this in the beginning of next month.",joey,oh great! great! thank you. +the interviewer,bye.,joey,bye-bye. i did it! +the interviewer,"oh wait! i almost forgot. we have to ask everybody this. other than days of our lives, what’s your favorite soap opera?",joey,"oh, i don’t watch soap operas. excuse me, i have a life, y’know?" +the interviewer,thank you. the readers at soap opera digest will be happy to hear that.,joey,"oh, good to know. so close!" +rachel,wow! i can’t believe they didn’t put it in the part where you said you didn’t watch soap operas.,joey,"yeah, i called the lady about that. i told her i was just joking. she was pretty nice about that." +monica,you slept with her didn’t you?,joey,"little bit, yeah." +ross,wow! this picture of you sure is steamy.,joey,"oh yeah, that’s just a little something for my huge gay fan base." +ross,did you just wink at me?,joey,"hey, you’re the one that loves the picture." +monica,"hey, joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?",joey,probably kill myself! +monica,..excuse me?,joey,"hey, if little joeys dead, then i got no reason to live!" +ross,"joey, uh- omnipotent.",joey,"you are? ross, im sorry.." +phoebe,thanks.,joey,"...ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. see, i told you! less than a hundred steps from our place to here." +chandler,you got waaaay too much free time.,joey,"hey! heres the birthday boy! ross," +chandler,"happy birthday, pal!",joey,"we love you, man." +ross,"funny, my birthday was seven months ago.",joey,so? +ross,ohhh.,joey,whats wrong with the twentieth? +ross,"todays the day carol and i first.. consummated our physical relationship. sex. ..you know what, i-id better pass on the game. i think im just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.",joey,"the hell with hockey, lets all do that!" +chandler,i have no idea.,joey,"cmon, ross!" +chandler,"oh, this is not that bad.",joey,"oh, youre fine, yeah, for a first job." +chandler,...poulet passes it up to leetch!,joey,leetch spots messier in the crease- theres the pass! +ross,"carol was wearing boots just like those the night that we- we first- yknow. fact, she, uh- she never tookem off, cause we-we- sorry. sorry.",joey,what? +ross,"peach pit. that night we, uh- we had-",joey,-peaches? +ross,"then, uh, then we got dressed, and i-i... i walked her to the- -the bus stop... im fine.",joey,"hey, that womans got an ass like carols! what? thought we were trying to find stuff." +ross,"no, actually i was just saying it looks like were not sitting together. but now you mention it, there was ice there that night... it was the first frost...",joey,"cmon, sit. just sit down, sit." +receptionist,"well, youll have to wait your turn.",joey,"well, how long do you think itll be?" +chandler,"yes, the moon, the glow, the magical feeling, you did this part- could i get some painkillers over here, please?",joey,"hes right, enough, already. what is the big deal about today? so you slept with her for the first time, so what? you slept with her for seven years after that." +ross,my first time with carol was...,joey,what? +ross,it was my first time.,joey,with carol? oh. +chandler,"so in your whole life, youve only been with one——oh.",joey,"whoah, boy, hockey was a big mistake! there was a whole bunch of stuff we couldve done tonight!" +all,"yeah, drop it! drop the towel! please drop the——wowww.",joey,man. can you believe hes only had sex with one woman? +chandler,"i think its great. yknow, its sweet, its romantic...",joey,really? +ross,"fun? where was the fun? tell me specifically, which part was the fun part? wheres my puck?",joey,"oh, ah- the kid has it." +phoebe,"...sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle;and away they all flew like the down of a thistle; but i heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, merry christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!",joey,"wow, that was great! you really wrote that?" +phoebe,"oh, i like my job.",joey,i *love* my job. +rachel,"dear losers, do you really think id hide presents under the couch? p.s.: chandler, i knew theyd break you.",joey,"rach, these are for you." +rachel,wiper blades. i dont even have a car.,joey,"no, but with this new car smell, youll think you do." +phoebe,"ahh, toilet seat covers! is that what you were doing while i was getting gas?",joey,uh-huh. +phoebe,you guuuyys.,joey,"and for ross, mr. sweet-tooth." +chandler,and last but not least.,joey,theyre ribbed for *your* pleasure. +chandler,be-low me!,joey,"ahh, wait, is wendy the runner-up miss oklahoma?" +ross,oh my god...,joey,"hey-heeyyy - look at that, its a christmas miracle!" +chandler,i wanted to be with you. i missed you so much.,joey,"hey, hey, uh, who did you miss the most?" +chandler,monica.,joey,got ya. +chandler,"i... thought it was a timely start to thinking about other people. besides, this gift still says i love you guys.",joey,mines is to lilian myers. +rachel,"yeah, what?",joey,what? +chandler,"are you kidding? okay, i’ll give you a hint; i’ll give you a hint.",joey,"eyes! no, no. your eyes! no. chandler’s eyes!" +rachel,"yeah-yeah, did-didn’t you use to have a pair? they were really round, burgundy, and they made you look kind of umm…",joey,feminine. +chandler,our kids are gonna be fat aren’t they.,joey,ahoy! +chandler,hey! how’s the boat?!,joey,great! i’m finally getting into this sailing stuff. +monica,"oh, so you finally took it out of the marina huh?",joey,why would i do that? it took three guys to get the thing in there! +phoebe,"if you don’t sail your boat, what do you do on it?",joey,"oh, it’s great! it’s a great place to just kinda, sit, hang around, drink a few beers, eat some chips." +rachel,"y’know joey, i could teach you to sail if you want.",joey,you could? +ross,two! i’ve been engaged twice!,joey,look at this clown! just because he’s got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. get out of the way jackass! who names his boat coast guard anyway? +rachel,that is the coast guard.,joey,what are they doing out here? the coast’s all the way over there. +rachel,"joey, just ignore the boats all right? we’re not finished with the lesson yet.",joey,all right. +rachel,"okay, i’m just gonna go over the basic points just one more time, are you ready?",joey,"come on rach, not again. i got it! okay? let’s start sailing, and i want to go over there where that boatload of girls is! yo-ho-ho!" +rachel,"oh, okay. is that what you want to do? you wanna go over and give a little shout out to the old, hot chickas? okay, let’s do that sailor joe. quick question though, what’s this called?",joey,"uh, boat rope." +rachel,wrong! how do you get the mainsail up?,joey,"uhh, rub it?" +rachel,no. what do you do if i say we are coming about?,joey,"i’d say, come again. no-no, wait i-i-i know this one, i know this one, uh…" +rachel,"time’s up, now your dead.",joey,and deaf! +rachel,"okay, you just go on and make your little jokey-jokes, but if you do not know what you are doing out at sea you will die at sea. am i getting through to you sailor?!",joey,yes. +rachel,"don’t just say yes! this isn’t a game, joey you can really get hurt out here. okay, so do you want to pay attention or do you want to die?!",joey,i want to make a ship to shore call to chandler. +phoebe,that and arrogance.,joey,hey. +monica,hey! how was sailing?,joey,"i don’t want to talk about it. y’know, you could’ve at least saved me a whole cookie." +monica and phoebe,no-wait-no-no!!!!!!!,joey,women are mean!!! +ross,thank you!,joey,hey. +rachel,"well hello! so, when are we gettin’ back out on the water matey?",joey,"oh uh, i don’t know the boat way to say this, but uh never!" +rachel,why not?,joey,because! you’re mean on the boat! +rachel,what? i was just trying to teach you.,joey,"well, lesson learned! rachel is mean!" +rachel,"look joey, i’m sorry if-if you thought that was mean, but i gotta tell ya something. that was not mean. okay, my father is mean. he used to yell at me all the time on the boat, i mean it was horrible. i was just being a good teacher.",joey,"does a good teacher say, put down the beer pinhead!?" +rachel,"well, does a good student drink seven beers during his first lesson?",joey,six and a half! you knocked that last one out of my hand! remember? +rachel,"yeah, i didn’t want you to get hit by the boom!",joey,well it hit me anyway! and it would’ve hurt a lot less if i had finished that last beer. +rachel,"all right, y’know what? i-i’m sorry. i will try to tone it down and uh stop yelling.",joey,you won’t boss me around anymore? +rachel,i won’t boss you around.,joey,and you’ll be nice? +rachel,"and, i’ll be nice.",joey,and you’ll be topless? +rachel,and—joey!,joey,do you want me to learn?! +rachel,"okay joey honey, you’re doing really good! all right, now i’m just gonna need you to step to the port side. remember? remember how we talked about the port side?",joey,ohh yeah. +rachel,right?,joey,nope. +rachel,"it’s left sweetie, but that’s okay sweetie, that’s a tough one.",joey,i don’t know why you just don’t say left. +rachel,"okay, go to the left. the left!",joey,huh? +rachel,just sit over there!!,joey,"okay! okay, you’re yelling again! see that?" +rachel,"no! no-no, no-no-no, very quiet, said with love, no yelling.",joey,"oh, y’know what? since i’m here, i think i’m gonna have me a little beer on the port side." +rachel,"okay joey, we’re luffing a little bit, so could you tighten up the cunningham?",joey,"uh, wow, you just said a bunch of stuff i didn’t know there." +rachel,"joey, come on! we just went over this!",joey,"oh, y’know, when we did that was when that bird was flying overhead with the fish in his mouth. did you see it? it was gross!" +rachel,"no! all right?! i did not see the bird! i did not see the fish! i did not see the piece of styrofoam that was shaped like mike tyson! i did not, because i was trying to teach you how to sail a boat! which obviously is an impossible thing to do!",joey,all right that’s it! you’re yelling and i don’t see you taking your top off! i quit! +rachel,what do you mean you quit?! you can’t quit!,joey,why not?! +rachel,because you’re not finished yet and i won’t have it! greens do not quit!,joey,greens? i’m a tribbiani! and tribbianis quit! +rachel,"oh my god, wait did i—i just said greens don’t quit didn’t i? did i just say greens don’t quit?!",joey,yes! yes! you did and you’re still yelling at me! +rachel,"no! no! no! i’m not yelling at you, i’m just yelling near you. oh god joey, ohh i’m my father. oh my god, this is horrible! i’ve been trying so hard not to be my mother i did not see this comin’. oh, joey, i’m sorry. i’m so sorry. i just wanted you to learn.",joey,"well, hey i did learn." +rachel,really?,joey,yeah! come on. +rachel,awww…,joey,"yeah, it’s okay. i know what a mainsail is. i know, i know to duck when the boom comes across. i-i know port is right." +rachel,left.,joey,damnit! +rachel,"well joey, i hate to admit it, your way of sailing is a lot more fun.",joey,"yeah, yeah. hey, why don’t you give a pull on that rope?" +rachel,ohh we’re not sailing.,joey,just pull on it. +rachel,all right. hey-hey-hey!! sandwiches!,joey,what else? +rachel,here you go.,joey,thank you. +rachel,oh wow!,joey,what are you doing? +rachel,"ohh, sorry.",joey,what you—don’t hold it like that! you’re lettin’ all the good stuff fall out. +rachel,ohh whoops.,joey,careful! you’re wasting good pastrami! oh my god! i’m my dad! +chandler,are you looking at naked tribes women?,joey,"no, look." +chandler,thats a pig.,joey,"i know, i know, but look at the knobs on her." +chandler,what?!,joey,why? +ross,who needs a lease when its family!,joey,"hey, you can stay with us! well take care of ya!" +chandler,"oh, yeah! absolutely! anything you need man! but you have to promise me the second you are feeling better so that we can make fun of your hair!",joey,yeah. +ross,you got it.,joey,okay. +rachel,exactly.,joey,ross? +ross,"oh, yeah i know, i know, its a lot of boxes, but again i really appreciate you guys letting me stay here.",joey,"not a problem. and listen, hey! since youre gonna be here for a while, why dont—i was thinking we uh, put your name on the answering machine." +ross,"oh, i uh, hope you dont mind, i kinda uh, jazzed it up a little. check this out. we will, we will, call you back!",joey,"hey, all right!" +ross,"pretty cool, huh?",joey,"youre fake laughing too, right?" +phoebe,shut it down.,joey,hey. +chandler,what are you doing?,joey,nothing. +chandler,you built a fort didnt ya?,joey,kinda. +chandler,"oh my god, the air purifier! rosss air purifier! all i heard through 4 years of college was",joey,"dude, you shouldve gone out once and a while." +chandler,i hate this thing!,joey,"come on, chandler, ross is our friend. he needs us right now, so why dont you be a grown up and come and watch some tv in the fort!" +ross,"joey, please!",joey,sorry. +chandler,hello children!,joey,hey! wanna play some foosball? please? +chandler,okay.,joey,"no-no, no! we have to move the table into my room, yeah! cause of all the boxes. come on!" +chandler,bye-bye little puppet joey hand?,joey,"no, the quiet down thing!" +chandler,you mean this.,joey,"um-hmm! look, i-i-i dont know how much more of this i can take! did you know he taped over my baywatch tape with some show about bugs! my god! what if that had been porn?" +chandler,"all right look, yknow, this maybe tough but come on, this is ross! i survived college with him!",joey,"all right, i guess i can hold out a little longer. lets have a game." +chandler,no-no-no-no!,joey,yes!! +chandler,"okay, so hes out of here.",joey,um-hmm. +monica,hey!,joey,you guys got anything to eat? i just went down to johnos for some chicken and it was closed! +phoebe,"oh, i took larry there to eat but it was all violated. so we shut it down!",joey,"pheebs, if this guy keeps closing down all of our favorite places, where are we gonna eat?!" +monica,"i dont know, clean places?",joey,"umm, yum!" +ross,ill take sports.,joey,mine! +ross,"all right. uhh, international.",joey,oh thats mine too! im italian! +ross,"oh, i-i dont know, its kind of expensive for a studio.",joey,but its available now! isnt it? +chandler,"yes, it is.",joey,"hey, lets go look at it!" +ross,"okay, lets go.",joey,okay! +chandler,lets go quicker.,joey,yeah! +chandler,"yeah, well look at this kitchen, slash bathroom. well thats great! yknow so you can cook while in the tub.",joey,"somebody was using his head. hey, lets check out the rest of the place." +ross,"i think this is it. i dont know, maybe we should keep looking.",joey,"but hey, ross, this place is available now!" +chandler,"yeah, you dont want to be stuck with us for the next five weeks.",joey,yeah. +ross,"so, you-you think i should go ahead and take this place?",joey,"oh, its perfect!" +chandler,we are bad people.,joey,he knew we were trying to get rid of him. he knew! you think we could get a bathtub in our kitchen? +phoebe,"thank you. okay, go! go! go! now, if after dinner you still really need to bust someone, i know a hot dog vendor who picks his nose.",joey,"maybe, maybe we did a good thing, helping ross get back on his feet!" +chandler,yes that was a nice place!,joey,yeah! +chandler,"not a lot of closet space, but he can just hang his stuff out the window in a bag!",joey,yeah! +chandler,what are we gonna do?,joey,i dont know. maybe pizza? +chandler,about ross!,joey,oh! oh! +chandler,"98. 99. 100. okay, go!",joey,"dude, im telling ya! im fine!" +chandler,here we go! here we go!,joey,hey! +ross,"hey. so i uh, i didnt get that apartment. some problem with my application.",joey,youre kidding! +ross,"yeah. but, the good news is that phoebe said that i could stay at her place for a while. so…",joey,"but you cant stay with phoebe, ross! were-were roomies!" +ross,"look, you guys dont need me here taking up your space.",joey,"well, we got plenty of space! there-theres still some over there by-by that speaker. please, just stay!" +ross,are you guys sure about this?,joey,definitely! +ross,all right.,joey,all right! +chandler,all right! isnt this a womans hat?,joey,"dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea!" +chandler,"well, phoebe i thought i’d——yeah, what the hell.",joey,"oh okay, okay! one more push! one more push! come on honey, we’re almost there! we’re almost there!" +rachel,"oh joey, i’m so happy things worked out for us that we’re having this baby together. i love you so much.",joey,"oh, i love you too." +rachel,"and i hope it’s not an inappropriate time to say this but, you’re the best sex i ever had.",joey,"that’s always appropriate! oh, okay. one more push! one more push!" +rachel,joey! joey!,joey,what? what’s going on? +rachel,come feel this! come feel my belly!,joey,aaaah… +rachel,joey! the baby is kicking for the first time! will you please come feel this?!,joey,really?! +rachel,yes!,joey,"oh, y’know what? maybe uh, you…you should come to me. i’m a not, i’m not wearing any bottoms." +rachel,"oh, okay!",joey,"oh my, oh my god!" +rachel,"aw, it’s unbelievable! wow! she is kicking so much! oh, she’s like umm…oh…who’s that kind of annoying girl soccer player?",joey,mia hamm? +rachel,mia hamm!,joey,oh that’s amazing. +rachel,oh-oh!! one hand on the sheet joe!,joey,whoa-hey-oh! sorry! +ross,hey!,joey,hey ross! the baby’s kicking! +rachel,last night! i just felt it and i went into joey’s room and he was sleeping…,joey,a dreamless sleep. +ross,"my god, the baby’s kicking. that’s great. although i…kinda wish i-i would’ve been there to feel the kicking for the first time y’know.",joey,well i got stuff going on in here if you wanna feel. +ross,"look, i-i don’t want to miss anymore baby stuff. so…here. here’s my new pager number, okay? anytime anything pregnancy related happens use it! i’ll be there! okay? i don’t care if it’s three in the morning and all you want is ice cream.",joey,wow! can i get a copy of that? +chandler,i wasn’t trying to open your closet! i wasn’t trying to open your closet! i swear!,joey,"whoa, monica runs a pretty tight ship over here. what are you doing?" +chandler,monica has a secret closet and she won’t let me see what’s in it.,joey,why not? +chandler,i don’t know! what could she possibly be hiding in here that i can’t see?!,joey,"i don’t know. ooh, i bet it’s richard." +chandler,why would monica be keeping richard in here?,joey,"well off the top of my head uhh, maybe she’s having her cake and eating it too. you being the cake and richard being the too. or!" +chandler,and here we go…,joey,"i saw this movie once where there was a door and no one knew what was behind it, and when they finally got it open millions and millions and millions of bugs came pouring out and they feasted on human flesh. y’know it wouldn’t kill ya to respect your wife’s privacy! stupid closet full of bugs!" +rachel,"joey. joey, something feels weird and not good weird. i don’t—whoa!!",joey,"oh hey whoa-whoa, don’t worry. okay. when my sisters were pregnant they got every weird feeling in the book, it was always nothing." +rachel,really?,joey,"absolutely. but, we’re gonna stop by the hospital just to be sure, okay? i’ll page ross on the way. come on." +rachel,okay. oh god—ow!—oo!,joey,"okay rach-rach-rach look at me, look at me, everything’s gonna be fine, trust me. okay. take my hand. here we go. oww crushing bones!" +rachel,"hmm, mild discomfort. so i take it you’ve had one of these braxton thingies?",joey,so but everything is normal. +dr. long,absolutely.,joey,and-and there’s no danger to her and the baby? +rachel,thank you doctor. oh thank you for being so nice and calm.,joey,calm?! i wasn’t calm! i’ve never been more scared in all my life! +rachel,but wait you said everything was gonna be okay.,joey,well what do i know?! i’m not a doctor! +rachel,but i—but everything is okay. i’m fine!,joey,you sure?! +rachel,"yes! yes! i got half a mind to contract that doctor’s uterus though. mild discomfort, what’s he talking about?",joey,oh hey-hey! +ross,"your page said come to the hospital, what? what was it? what happened?",joey,something called braxton-hicks contractions. +rachel,"okay, no uterus, no opinion.",joey,"hey uh, what’s with the candy?" +ross,"so, thanks so much for bringing her to the hospital.",joey,"oh hey, don’t worry about it man. don’t worry about it, no big deal." +dr. long,"uh, if you have any questions, here’s some information on braxton-hicks. oh and by the way, you did the right thing by bringing her in. you’re gonna make a wonderful father.",joey,"oh uh, hey. not as good as this guy! he brought twizlers!" +chandler,there has got to be a way!,joey,"easy there captain kirk. oh, do you have a bobby pin?" +chandler,"yeah. oh no wait, i’m not an nine-year-old girl.",joey,then why do you throw like one? +chandler,maybe monica has a bobby pin.,joey,sure. monica. +chandler,"so, how’s the hideously inappropriate crush on rachel coming?",joey,"uh, really good. really good. yeah, i should be ready to kill myself any day now. wow, you sure found that quick. i just—i wish i didn’t feel this way about rachel anymore, y’know? i wish things could go back to normal. i mean, i love living with her and god, helping out with the baby is just amazing, but now i think…i think ross feels left out. y’know? when i had to take rachel to the hospital, the doctor thought i was the father. god… you should’ve seen the look on ross’s face. by the way, i have no idea what i’m doing here. for all i know i’m just locking it more. oh hey, did you try opening it with a credit card?" +chandler,that’s a good idea.,joey,yeah. +chandler,"okay. so uh, ross is kinda bummed huh?",joey,"oh, i just…i feel terrible." +ross,what?! what?! rach what?!,joey,what’s going on? +ross,"i made her favorite, tuna salad with pickles.",joey,pickle? pickles make her sick. giving her pickles is like giving me salad. +rachel,"yeah, i’ll be fine. but could someone please make sure that sandwich is gone when i get out there?",joey,i’m on it! +ross,i can’t believe this! i shouldn’t be the one making her throw up!,joey,dude relax! it could happen to anyone. +rachel,"well, if anyone is keeping score, i no longer eat tuna.",joey,"hey uh, can i, can i talk to you guys for a second?" +rachel,what’s up?,joey,"uh, sit down. i wanna talk about our situation." +rachel,are you breaking up with us?,joey,"the thing is…’cause i live with rachel i’m here for a lot of the stuff, okay? and ross…ross is missing everything. so…" +rachel,yeah?,joey,maybe you two should live together. +rachel,are you asking me to move out? do you not want me here?,joey,"oh no-no, no-no i love living with you. it just seems that…if you’re gonna have a roommate, y’know it might as well be the father." +ross,so? sure! but it-it wouldn’t be anything romantic. and i’m-i’m dating mona—damnit mona! i was supposed to meet her like an hour ago! what is wrong with me?!,joey,"all right now, so? what do you think?" +ross,"no! no it’s not. joey, this is a smart idea.",joey,"well, i was due." +chandler,hey.,joey,hey. +chandler,so rachel’s all moved out huh? how are you taking it?,joey,"well uh, i wanted to have a few beers, but uh, i got rid of those because rachel couldn’t stand the smell of them. but i have thrown back a lot of orange juice with calcium though. and uh, it’s a couple weeks past it’s expiration date, so it’s got a bit of a kick." +chandler,are you okay?,joey,"are you kidding me? i’m great! yeah, i’m uh; i’m better than great. i am good. and now that she’s gone, i can uh, i can do all this stuff around here that i couldn’t do before. y’know? like umm, i can walk around naked again. y’know? i can uh, i can watch porn in the living room. right? this is uh, this is good for me. y’know? i like being on my own, i’m uh, better off this way. i’m uh, a lone wolf. y’know? a loner. alone. all alone. forever. what’s a wolf got to do to get a huh around here?!" +rachel,hi joey! what are you doing here?,joey,"uhh, well i’ve got an audition down the street and i spilled sauce all over the front of my shirt. you got an extra one?" +rachel,"yeah, sure. umm…here.",joey,great. you got anything that’s not ralph lauren? +rachel,"yeah, i don’t think so joe.",joey,"all right, i guess this will be fine." +rachel,"hey, listen umm, what-what are you doing tonight?",joey,"nothing, why?" +rachel,how would you feel about taking out my assistant tag? i’ll pay.,joey,"huh, rach i got to say it’s gonna take a lot of money for me to go out on a date with a dude." +rachel,i’m not asking you to go on a date with him!,joey,really? ‘cause i could kinda use the money. +rachel,"joey, just-just he-he’s new in town and i know he doesn’t have any guy friends. just take him to like a ball game or something. i’ll really appreciate it.",joey,"yeah, okay." +rachel,yeah?,joey,"sure, no problem. ooh—hey, donuts!" +rachel,yeah!,joey,okay. +tag,how you doin’?,joey,"see? that’s a great smile! easy. natural. now, pretend i have a camera. you’re changing it!" +chandler,i can’t help it!,joey,"all right, all right, all right, all right, you wanna know what i do when i take resume shots?" +chandler,borrow money from me?,joey,"okay, first—first of all, you want to make it look spontaneous. i look down , look down, keep looking down; then i look up. see? all right, now you try. look down , you’re looking down, keep looking down…" +chandler,why is there jelly on your shoe?,joey,i had a donut. +rachel,hi!,joey,hey! +rachel,"so uh, heard you had some fun with tag last night.",joey,yeah! that guy’s all right! +rachel,yeah and you had fun teaching him how to be all joey.,joey,what? +rachel,"y’know, all the women.",joey,"hey well, you can’t teach someone to be good with women. y’know, that’s why i never had any luck with chandler." +rachel,"all right, would-would you mind just not going out with him again? okay, just the idea of you and he and all these women, it’s just—and i know he’s my assistant and i can’t date him—but it just bothers me, all right?!",joey,"hey! no-no-no-no, you can’t take him away from me! i got a great partner to pick up girls with! finally!!" +rachel,"all right, will you, will you at least tell him how hollow and unsatisfying this, dating tons of women thing is!",joey,what?! +rachel,"i just don’t want him to meet anybody until i am over my crush—and i will get over it. it’s-it’s not like i love him, it’s just physical! but—i mean i get crushes like this all the time! i mean hell, i had a crush on you when i first met ya!",joey,"i know, monica told me." +rachel,"so, will you talk to him?",joey,i don’t know rach. +rachel,"oh, come on! i’ll give you ten free ralph lauren shirts.",joey,one! no ten! you said ten! you can’t take that back! +tag,"hey joey, you wanted to talk to me?",joey,"i don’t know. you uh, you got something for me?" +tag,"oh, yeah, this is from rachel.",joey,ten. okay. now tag there’s such a thing as to many women. +tag,really?,joey,"yeah, for you!" +phoebe,you guys make a very attractive couple.,joey,"yeah, we look great together." +monica,wow! imagine what our kids would look like!,joey,"y’know, we don’t have to imagine." +chandler,i’m marrying her.,joey,we’ll just see. +woman,hi!,joey,hi! +woman,how much do i owe you for the muffin and the latte?,joey,oh that’s on the house courtesy of joey tribbiani. +woman,"oh great! well, tell him thanks. and since uh, joey seems like such a nice guy, maybe we could go on a date sometime?",joey,"well, he’s not used to women being so forward with him; but uh, i good check with him—he says it’s okay. great! thanks! bye-bye!" +ross,"hey joey, how come our stuff isn’t free?",joey,it will be when you look like that in a tight skirt! this is great! i’m getting more dates than ever! +phoebe,yeah joey that is so gross!,joey,how about a scone on the house baby? +rachel,"and that’s phoebe , and that’s joey.",joey,"hey, how you doin’?" +phoebe,"ooh, i like cards.",joey,are you all finished here? +customer,yes.,joey,great! +gunther,"okay, here are the tips for this morning. jen gets 50, 50 for me, and joey owes eight dollars.",joey,what?! +gunther,for all the free food you gave away.,joey,"well if it’s free food, how come you’re charging me for it?" +gunther,we don’t give anything away unless it’s someone’s birthday.,joey,"well, what if they came in third in a modeling contest?" +gunther,no!,joey,sorry! +phoebe,"but great news about the apartment pants, huh?",joey,that’ll be $3.85. +woman,what do you mean? yesterday you said i was too pretty to pay for stuff!,joey,"it’s just i can’t because my manager said i… happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. happy birthday dear annie…" +woman,amy!,joey,…amy! happy birthday to you! +a male customer,"hey, that’s weird, today’s my birthday too!",joey,"yeah, not it here it isn’t." +monica,i’m fine.,joey,happy birthday to you! +gunther,you’re paying for that.,joey,what? no-no it’s her birthday! +gunther,you’ve sung happy birthday to 20 different women today!,joey,but it really… +gunther,you are no longer authorized to distribute birthday muffins.,joey,damnit! +ross,"i have to say you are a much bigger person than i am. i mean after all we’ve been through, i just—y’know i wish i had a brother to reciprocate. hey, if you ever want to go out with monica, you have my blessing.",joey,"oh-ho, and mine!" +chandler,"ho-oh, he’s gonna get some! of the glare from the streetlight out of his apartment. y’know so umm, he’s closed the drapes there so he can have a nice, pleasant conversation with your little sister. well, i’m off to bed! to be continued ending credits",joey,"all right, all right, all right, lets play one more time, ok? and remember, if i win you do not move to paris." +rachel,"ok! cant believe im risking this again, but youre on! all right joe, you remember the rules! heads i win, tails you lose.",joey,"just flip! rachel : ha, tails!" +chandler,hey!,joey,hey! +ross,what are you guys doing?,joey,"try it, i cant feel a thing! monica : are, are you kidding? this is packing?" +chandler,"no, no, no, guys. shes right. we should get to work. ill take stuff out of the closet, joey you pack em and ross you re-pack whatever joey packs.",joey,you guys hear a ringing? +chandler,what the hell is this?,joey,"hey! handcuffs! and fur line, nice! i didnt know you guys had it in ya!" +chandler,i didnt know monica had these!,joey,"mhm, maybe she used them with another boyfriend. maybe richard!" +monica,"well, i thought this would be a great opportunity to use up all the food that i dont want to move to the new house with me! so, enjoy: smoke oyster casserole with a breakfast cereal crust, kidney beans in their own juices, and for dessert, a questionable orange.",joey,hey. +ross,"hey, wheres rach?",joey,"oh, shes putting emma down, shell be over in a second." +ross,great.,joey,"now it just hit her that shes leaving and shes kind of emotional so no one say anything to set her off, ok?" +ross,here she is! rachel : hi you guys!,joey,what did i just say? +ross,yeah?,joey,"who loses fifty seven coin tosses in a row? head she wins, tails i lose. wait a minute..." +chandler,"yes, joe?",joey,i forgot to pick up my dry cleaning! phoebe : you doing ok? +ross,"hey, what do you think theyre doing in there?",joey,"huh, if i had to guess id say rachel is putting on the bubble wrap and phoebe is doing the punching." +ross,well its okay. chandler is talking to her.,joey,i really made you think about that thing uh? +ross,what? i dont get a goodbye?,joey,lucky bastard! +ross,"well, it needs to be plicit.",joey,"all right, lets think about this. i mean, theres got to be an explanation. uh... did you do anything to make her mad?" +monica,i hope ross isnt too upset.,joey,im sure hes not more bummed out than i am. +chandler,joey and i can finish up in the guest room.,joey,"oh, yeah, yeah, good idea." +monica,oh my god! let me see.,joey,whos that dirty old lady? +all,hey!,joey,"come on here, have a seat." +monica,"oh... yes, im sure. oh honey, lets go. okay bye everyone.",joey,"chandler, wait, wait, wait..." +chandler,what?,joey,"if you get a second, find out where she got that cheeseburger." +rachel,what?,joey,a little more. +phoebe,okay.,joey,"a little more, a little more. a little more... all right. okay, all right, lets do this." +phoebe,"all right, ready?",joey,"yeah. all right, now give me your best shot." +phoebe,"all right, here it goes...",joey,doesnt work... the end +phoebe,yeah!,joey,"okay listen, how are you gonna ask her?" +rachel,ohh…,joey,that sounds perfect! +chandler,yeah.,joey,you’re gonna mess it up let me do it. +chandler,phoebe!,joey,hey! +chandler,hey!,joey,hey rach! +chandler,i just get mad when rachel doesn’t remember where we’re going.,joey,where are you going? +phoebe,i can do that for the kids.,joey,"hey, y’know what? i’ll come too. i’m making money now; it’s about time i give something back." +chandler,"well, you could also give back the money you owe me.",joey,okay. have a benefit. +ross,"uh-uh—wow! uh, i thought you guys were just like making jokes, i had no idea. what you know what? you guys are wrong. uh yes, there is a chronological age difference but i never notice it. you know why? because she is very mature. besides, it doesn’t really matter to me what you guys think. i mean, i’m the one dating elizabeth, not you!",joey,that’s not what she said last night. +chandler,"will you marry me? will you marry me? hey, you marry me! what’s going on little elves?",joey,it’s the big night! we wanted to wish you good luck! +rachel,and i also brought my friend joey…,joey,oh!! shrimp toast! +phoebe,hey you guys! look!,joey,hey! +mr. thompson,"and finally, our biggest item of the night, the 22-foot gentleman’s day sailer sailboat. the winning bid was a whooping $20,000!",joey,i won! that was my guess! +rachel,what?! what?! what?!,joey,"i guessed 20,000!" +rachel,"joey! it is an auction! you don’t guess, you buy!",joey,"what?! i don’t have 20,000!" +rachel,what were you thinking?!,joey,i didn’t know it was an auction! +rachel,wh?!,joey,"i figured, take a guess, help a charity, free boat!" +rachel,why would a charity give away a free boat?!,joey,i don’t know! charity? +mr. thompson,mr. tribbiani.,joey,oh hi! +mr. thompson,your generous contribution brings us a big step closer to building the youth center.,joey,"just out of curiosity, how-how much is that boat worth?" +mr. thompson,"i think it was valued at 19,000",joey,"hey, i was pretty close. uhh, so bad news. umm, i can’t buy the boat, i don’t have any money." +mr. thompson,that’s good. very good!,joey,"so uh listen, i think i’m gonna take off now." +rachel,"hey! you…can’t…leave joey! you agreed to buy that boat, all right?! that is a contract! and plus if you leave, my boss is gonna kill me!",joey,"well, what am i gonna do rach?! i don’t have that kind of money!" +rachel,"i know. okay. okay. okay. all right. all right, this is what we’re gonna do, we are gonna go to the next highest bidder, and we are just gonna let them buy it, and then you’re just gonna pay the difference.",joey,okay. +rachel,okay.,joey,"look, i don’t know why the kids need a youth center anyway! y’know? they should just watch tv after school like i did and i turned out fine!" +chandler,"hey, you have to forget about elizabeth. i mean if you’re not careful you may not get married at all this year!",joey,"rach! rachel! okay, the next highest bidder is at table one." +rachel,oh great!,joey,oh and uh the guy who got the paris trip is at table four. +phoebe,"oh, en chante.",joey,"uhh, excuse me is there a mr. bowmont at this table?" +mr. bowmont,that’s me.,joey,"ahh, yes." +rachel,"oh well, hello. this is your lucky day mr. bowmont, the uh gentleman day sailer as just become available again and i believe that you made a bid of $18,000.",joey,you-you have to pay that! it’s not just a guess. +rachel,ohh…,joey,are you kidding me?! she’s gonna this boat! +rachel,"pam! oh god okay, just imagine this, the pam.",joey,aw-awww! +rachel,"okay, uh-uh imagine this, the mr. bowmont.",joey,oooooh… +mr. bowmont,"what the hell, it’s for a good cause! all right!",joey,no way! it’s mine!! +rachel,what?! what?!,joey,all that stuff you just said? i want that! +rachel,"but joey you don’t have $20,000!",joey,"who cares?! i-i’ll make payments, whatever it takes, i want the mr. bowmont!!" +phoebe,i wanna see what’s in your hand. i wanna see the trash.,joey,yeah. +chandler,richard was there so i couldn’t do it!,joey,what?! noooo… +chandler,"i’m gonna do it tomorrow y’know, and-and surprise her, but now you’ve ruined it!",joey,we didn’t ruin it! +phoebe,"well, a palm reader, a manicurist, a hand doctor…",joey,glove salesman! +chandler,"i can do that, i’ve had 30 years of practice.",joey,"hey, being you is finally gonna pay off!" +monica,i had to go all the way to the basement because some idiot keeps stuffing the trash chute with pizza boxes!,joey,that guy’s still doing that?! +chandler,"okay, okay, here she comes! how do i look? do i look like a guy who doesn’t want to get married?",joey,"yeah! and also, a little like a french guy. i never noticed that before." +monica,hi guys!,joey,hey! +chandler,"oh, just hanging out, talkin’ about uh, websites. yeah, we saw this really interesting website about marriage and how totally unnecessary it is and how its just a way for the government to keep tabs on you.",joey,"yeah, big brother." +monica,okay well that’s good to know.,joey,the mr. bowmont’s here!!! +rachel,yeah me too.,joey,"hey uh, have you guys scene chandler?" +rachel,yeah.,joey,hey monica! +monica,have you seen rachel? or a mirror?,joey,"this is for my boat, pretty cool huh?" +monica,"yeah, it’s great.",joey,"whoa-whoa, what’s the matter?! talk to the captain!" +monica,i’m just having one of those days where you realize you’re in a dead-end relationship!,joey,chandler giving you a hard time huh? +monica,"it’s not like i want to get married tomorrow! it’s just that i-i’d like to believe that i’m in a relationship that’s actually going somewhere, that i’m not just wasting my time!",joey,"well, you know chandler." +monica,no i don’t know chandler! not anymore! it’s like it’s like something’s changed.,joey,maybe you changed? +monica,i didn’t change!,joey,maybe that’s the problem. +monica,what?!,joey,"chandler is a complex fellow, one who is unlikely to take a wife." +monica,is that some kind of boat talk?,joey,i don’t know! i haven’t totally decided how to talk on my boat yet. +monica,what does he think? does he think i’m just gonna wait around for nothing?,joey,"monica face it, chandler is against marriage. and-and always will be!" +monica,well there’s some people who do want to marry me.,joey,there are? +monica,yeah! richard!,joey,r-r-richard said he wants to marry you?! and-and chandler’s tellin’ ya how much he hates marriage?! +monica,that’s right.,joey,chandler loves marriage!! +monica,you just told me that he hates marriage! that-that he’s a-a complex fellow who’s unlikely to take a wife! that-that he’s against marriage and always will be!,joey,you got that from what i said?! +ross,"that’s impossible! i mean we have had a deal for years! we-we-we shook on it, although believe me she wanted to do a lot more than that.",joey,where the hell have you been?! +chandler,i was making a coconut phone with the professor.,joey,richard told monica he wants to marry her! +chandler,what?!,joey,"yeah! yeah, i’ve been trying to find ya to tell to stop messing with her and maybe i would have if these damn boat shoes wouldn’t keep flying off!" +chandler,my—oh my god!,joey,i know! they suck!! +chandler,he’s not supposed to ask my girlfriend to marry him! i’m supposed to do that!,joey,i know! +chandler,well what… y’know what i’m gonna do? i’m gonna go over there; i’m gonna kick his ass! will you help me?!,joey,"look, chandler i don’t think us getting our asses kicked is a solution. okay? just go and find monica!" +chandler,you’re right.,joey,yeah! +chandler,okay. i’m gonna get the ring! i’m gonna get the ring! i’m gonna go find her and i’m just going to propose!,joey,okay. +chandler,okay great.,joey,dude-dude-dude! +chandler,what?!,joey,"let me know about that coconut phone, it might great for the boat." +rachel,what?!,joey,hey! +ross,hey!,joey,phoebe! we’re both your backup?! +phoebe,i don’t—look i don’t know what you’re complaining about now? you were both aware of the situation!,joey,no we weren’t! +rachel,phoebe you can’t have both of them! you have to pick one!,joey,pick me!! +phoebe,"all right well let’s see, ross is a good father, but joey has a boat—this is hard!",joey,"this is crazy! hey look, i wanna switch to rachel!" +rachel,"okay, y’know what?! i know-i know how to settle this! all right here, this is what we’re gonna do! i’m gonna write joey on one napkin and i’m gonna right ross on the other napkin and we are going to pick one! and that person is going to be our backup! okay?",joey,okay that’s fair. +phoebe,yeah absolutely!,joey,yeah. +richard,i know. i hate that!,joey,dude! +chandler,"i can’t talk to you now, i gotta find monica!",joey,she’s gone. +chandler,what?,joey,she’s gone. she had a bag and she left. +chandler,what are you talking about?,joey,"she was all crying. she-she said you guys want different things, and that and that she needed time to think." +chandler,well why didn’t you stop her?! why didn’t you just tell her it was a plan?!,joey,"i-i did! i told her everything, chandler! but she wouldn’t believe me." +chandler,well where… where did she go?,joey,to her parent’s i think and she said you shouldn’t call her. but if i were you i would. +chandler,i can’t believe i ruined this.,joey,i am so sorry man. +monica,i knew you were likely to take a wife!,joey,can we come it yet?! we’re dying out here! +rachel,"oh hell, he’s done this three times! he knows what its about!",joey,yeah! +monica,"i won’t give you anything, but you’ll owe me 2.95.",joey,done. +monica,hold on.,joey,so pheebs what’s this guy like? +monica,"well, if you don’t have anything to copy, why are you going down there?",joey,"yeah, are you just going down there to gawk at that hot girl with the belly button ring again?" +chandler,yeah! you wanna come?,joey,yeah! +chandler,uh-oh.,joey,"uh, yknow what, we’re having second thoughts about our copying needs. and we’ll need a little more time to think about it." +chloe,"hey, what are you guys doing tomorrow night?",joey,both of us? +chloe,relax. it’s just issac’s d.j.-ing at the philly. you should come.,joey,we’ll be there. +chandler,"hey, yknow what, maybe we should get going. i mean what time did chloe say we should be there?",joey,"uh, 10:30." +chandler,what time is it now?,joey,4:30. +chandler,"yeah all right, so we’ll hang out.",joey,"yeah. hey, remember when she brought up that thing about the three of us?" +chandler,yes. vividly.,joey,she was kidding about that right? +chandler,"yeah, i-i-i think so. yeah, i-i think so...",joey,"god, that would be weird it that situation presented itself tonight, huh?" +chandler,"yeah. yeah, i mean what, what would we do?",joey,"dude, i don’t know." +chandler,she was kidding.,joey,yeah. +chandler,"she was.... but yknow what, just in case, maybe we should come up with a set of ground rules.",joey,"yeah, for sure. okay. probably want the first thing to be, never open your eyes. yknow, because you don’t want to be doing something and then look up and see something you don’t want to be seeing." +chandler,"yeah. good call, nice one. hold it!! hold it! what if me eyes are closed, and, and my hand is out there....",joey,"ah!! okay! eyes open at all times! oh, hey, how do we decide where we... yknow each would, yknow be?" +chandler,"right. right. well ah, yknow we could flip for it.",joey,"yeah, i guess, but what’s like heads and what’s tails?" +rachel,"oh. okay, bye.",joey,so what are you gonna do? +chandler,yknow that whole swimming thing is a myth.,joey,"yeah, tell that to my uncle lenny." +chandler,why? what happened to him?,joey,"nothing, he’s just really believes in that." +monica,"oh its not big, not at all, you know, kinda the same lines as, say, oh i dont know, having a third nipple.",joey,"i dont know, you see somethin, you hear a word, i thought thats what it was. let me see it again." +ross,"basically he told me to get over myself and just do it, ya know. so i though about what you said and i though about what he said and, well, his way i get to have sex tonight so. . .",joey,"im fine with it, i mean, if youre ok watching a video filled with two nippled" +rachel,"well, well um, you know, these movies are offensive and uh, degrading to women and females. and uh, and the lightings always unflattering. and, monica help me out here.",joey,"shh, ok, here i come, here i come. see im comin to fix the copier, i cant get to the copier, im thinkin what do i do, what do i do. . . so i just watch em have sex. and" +ross,it would be so cool to live across from you guys!,joey,"hey, yeah! then we could do that telephone thing! yknow, you have a can, we have a can and its connected by a string!" +phoebe,"oh! oh, i cant believe it! i mean i think its great! for him. she might be able to do better.",joey,hey guys! +rachel,joey! come here! come here!,joey,what? what? +rachel,phoebe just found out about monica and chandler.,joey,you mean how theyre friends and nothing more? +phoebe,"okay, so now they know that you know and they dont know that rachel knows?",joey,"yes, but yknow what? it doesnt matter who knows what. now, enough of us know that we can just tell them that we know! then all the lying and the secrets would finally be over!" +rachel,"ohhh, i-i would enjoy that!",joey,"no-no-no! no-no wait rach, you know what would even be more fun? telling them." +rachel,"ehhh, no, i wanna do phoebes thing.",joey,i cant take any… +phoebe,no! you dont have to do anything! just dont tell them that we know!,joey,noo! i cant take any more secrets! ive got your secrets. ive got their secrets. i got secrets of my own yknow! +rachel,you dont have any secrets!,joey,"oh yeah? well, you dont know about hugsy, my bedtime penguin pal." +rachel,"so umm, how-how are we gonna mess with them?",joey,ugh. +chandler,joey!,joey,yeah? +chandler,phoebe knows about us!,joey,well i didnt tell them! +monica,them?! whos them?,joey,"uhhh, phoebe and joey." +monica,joey!,joey,and rachel. i wouldve told you but they made me promise not to tell! +chandler,oh man!,joey,"im sorry! but hey, its over now, right? because you can tell them that you know they know and i can go back to knowing absolutely nothing!" +monica,unless…,joey,no! not unless! look this must end now! +rachel,"you should find out what his hobbies are and then use that to bond with him. yeah! like if i would strike up a conversation about say umm, sandwiches. or uh, or my underwear.",joey,im listening. +rachel,"yeah, he broke those too.",joey,so he likes to break stuff. +phoebe,"i wouldnt bring that up, it would probably just bum him out.",joey,"yeah, poor cat, never saw that big butt coming." +rachel,"i can not believe he would do that to mon—whoa! joey, do they know that we know?",joey,no. +rachel,joey!,joey,they know you know. +phoebe,"god, they thought they can mess with us! theyre trying to mess with us?! they dont know that we know they know we know! joey, you cant say anything!",joey,i couldnt even if i wanted too. +phoebe,good. im really looking forward to you and me having sexual intercourse.,joey,"hey-hey, check it out! check it out! ugly naked guy has a naked friend!" +phoebe,hes not backing down. he went to get lotion.,joey,oh man! arent you guys done yet?! i wanna sit in my chair! +rachel,"joey look, just look at it this way, the sooner phoebe breaks chandler the sooner this is all over and out in the open.",joey,ooh! +rachel,okay!,joey,"i like that! oh, okay! show him your bra! hes afraid of bras! cant work em!" +phoebe,"joey! wow, you didn’t rip off any buttons.",joey,its not my first time. +phoebe,"i just—i thought you guys were doing it, i didnt know you were in love!",joey,dude! +phoebe,god!,joey,all right! so thats it! its over! everybody knows! +phoebe,morning.,joey,hey! +phoebe,whats that?,joey,its my house-warming present for monica and chandler. +phoebe,its a baby chick and duck!,joey,uh-huh. and i named them chick jr. and duck jr. +phoebe,i did not see that coming.,joey,"yeah, i figure theyll love it at the new house, you know? it has that big backyard. and then, when they get old, they can go to that special farm that chandler took the other chick and duck to." +phoebe,yes.,joey,yeah. its a shame people cant visit there. +ross,what?,joey,"yeah, erica went into labor last night. monica and chandler are at the hospital right now!" +ross,is rachel here?,joey,"uh, i think shes still asleep. hey, hey, how did it go with you guys last night? she seemed pretty pissed at you." +ross,"hey, im not one to kiss and tell, but im also not one to have sex and shut up. we totally did it!",joey,oh my god. you and rachel? +ross,"i know, its pretty great.",joey,so what does that mean? are you guys getting back together? +phoebe,yay!,joey,"so, so is she still going to paris?" +phoebe,guess well never know how it ends.,joey,okay. +ross,good.,joey,i bet you did! +ross,uh. would you guys mind giving us a minute?,joey,"sure, yeah. will you just keep an eye on the chick and the duck?" +ross,and then she said it was the perfect way to say goodbye.,joey,oh my god! what did you say? +ross,no way!,joey,you cant just give up! is that what a dinosaur would do? +ross,what?,joey,"dude, im just trying to speak your language." +phoebe,cant a girl finish a song around here?,joey,hey! +ross,okay.,joey,"oh, youre not taking her with you tonight?" +ross,"alright, you know what? youre right. i should at least tell her how i feel.",joey,"ross, wait!" +ross,what? what?,joey,could you get me a muffin? +phoebe,unbelievable!,joey,"hey, you know what might help?" +phoebe,"hey, what are you working on?",joey,its a... its a welcome home sign for the baby. +phoebe,"how sweet! oh, is that the baby?",joey,"no, i sat in the paint." +phoebe,what?,joey,why not? +ross,"yeah, and she still wants to go! its pretty clear where she is.",joey,"yeah, i know what you mean. i mean, sometimes..." +phoebe,"uh, joe?",joey,damn it! +phoebe,"honey, thats gorgeous!",joey,"you know, the baby cant read, mike!" +rachel,"hi! you guys, the car-service just got here. i cant believe theyre not home yet! i have to catch my stupid plane. i wanna see the baby!",joey,"monica just called from the cab. she said they should be here any minute. and apparently, theres some big surprise." +"phoebe, ross, rachel",hey.,joey,"hey, so what is the big surprise?" +ross,oh my god.,joey,"oh, theyre so cute! now, what, what kinds are they?" +rachel,aw..,joey,"hey, that pregnant girls name was erica." +ross,yeah.,joey,"hey, maybe thats for the best." +ross,yeah?,joey,"yeah. you know? you just... look, you gotta... you gotta think about last night the way she does, okay? maybe, maybe sleeping together was the perfect way to say goodbye?" +phoebe,but now shell never know how he feels!,joey,"maybe thats okay. you know? maybe, maybe it is better this way? i mean, now, now you can move on. i mean, youve been trying to for so long, maybe now that youre on different continents.. right?" +ross,"yeah, thats true. except i dont wanna get over her.",joey,what? +ross,i dont! i wanna be with her.,joey,really? +ross,"yeah, im gonna go after her.",joey,"yeah, you are!" +ross,my coat...,joey,this is so cool! +chandler,"i have no idea whats going on, but i am excited!",joey,"but ross, ross. what do you, what do you think shes going to say?" +phoebe,hurry!,joey,"good luck, good luck!" +phoebe,get out of the cab!,joey,"oh, hey, hey, can i give you guys your house-warming present now?" +monica,"now, that you can do.",joey,alright! +phoebe,"damn, that window is clean.",joey,"quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, tweet, quack..." +chandler,"we were wondering what was taking so long with the gift, but now we understand you were doing this.",joey,"okay, i wanted to surprise you, but for your house-warming gift, i got you a baby-chick and a baby-duck!" +monica,"oh, great! just what you want for a new house with infants. bird feces.",joey,"yeah, yeah, they must have jumped off the table, cause now theyre gone!" +monica,oh god! what did i just step on?,joey,oh! +monica,oh..,joey,you stepped on my egg roll? +monica,"im sorry, i didnt know to look for chinese food on the floor.",joey,just put it on a plate and leave. +chandler,"okay, lets find these birds.",joey,alright. +chandler,"well, that cant be good!",joey,we gotta get them out of there! +chandler,how?,joey,"oh, oh! maybe we can lure them out. you know any birdcalls?" +chandler,"oh, tons, im quite the woodsman.",joey,"well, maybe we can just tip the table a little." +chandler,"joey, wait! the ball!",joey,oh! +chandler,i dont know. maybe we can open this up somehow.,joey,okay. +chandler,no... its all glued together.,joey,does that mean we have to bust it open? +chandler,i dont know. maybe.,joey,oh my god! +chandler,i know! its.. its the foosball table.,joey,"all right, you know what? we dont have a choice. its like i would have said in that sci-fi movie if id gotten the part. those are our men in there, we have to get them out! even if i have to sacrifice the most important thing in my life; my time-machine." +chandler,did that movie ever get made?,joey,it did not. +ross,jfk.,joey,"dont worry, you guys, were gonna get you out of there." +chandler,"and were also gonna buy you tiny, bird hearing-aids.",joey,okay. here goes. +chandler,whats the matter?,joey,i need to say goodbye to the table first. +chandler,i understand.,joey,"okay. table, you have given us so many great times. and you guys, jordan, victor, joel... all of you guys. what can i say? you guys make us look good. you wanna say anything?" +chandler,"i dont know. except that, for one last time... good game, good game, good game, good game, good game, good game, good game.",joey,"okay, here we go. i cant do it." +monica,hey! did you find them?,joey,"yeah, theyre stuck inside the table!" +chandler,that was... impressive.,joey,"yeah, you didnt even use the tools for most of it!" +chandler,"sorry about the table, man.",joey,yeah. +chandler,you gonna buy a new one?,joey,probably not. nah. i dont know how much im gonna wanna play after you go. +chandler,"well, at least we got these little guys out.",joey,yeah. +chandler,"aww, we were worried about you! hm. i guess i better get used to things crapping in my hand, huh?",joey,im gonna miss these little guys. it was nice having birds around again. +chandler,"hey, you know what? maybe we should keep them here with you.",joey,what? +chandler,"yeah, i mean weve got a lot going on right now. and, plus, here theyd have their own room.",joey,i could get a goose! +chandler,"you know, i - i think youre set with the poultry.",joey,"thanks man. did you hear that, you guys? youre gonna get to stay here! and, and its good, you know, cause, cause now you have a reason to come visit." +chandler,"i think there may be another reason. so, awkward hug or lame cool guy handshake?",joey,"uh, lame cool guy handshake, yeah." +monica,i know.,joey,"yeah. uh, does this mean theres nothing to eat?" +monica,i put three lasagnas in your freezer.,joey,i love you! +phoebe,hey.,joey,so did you guys make it in time? +rachel,i know. it seems smaller somehow.,joey,has it always been purple? +phoebe,"so, i guess this is it.",joey,yeah. i guess so. +phoebe,"yeah, i think so, yeah.",joey,not me. +ross,twice.,joey,twice? +phoebe,"oh, that sucks!",joey,you guys okay? +rachel,sure. i just sharpened her this morning.,joey,"now, see, i dont believe any of that. i think once youre dead, youre dead! youre gone! youre worm food! ...so chandler looks gay, huh?" +ross,"what, we-uh- we dont have shoes here, or...?",joey,morning. we ready to go? +mrs. geller,"it really was. oh, cmere, sweetheart. yknow, i think it might be time for you to start using night cream.",joey,what? +chandler,"nothing, just your overcoat sounds remarkably like brent mussberger.",joey,"check it out, giants-cowboys." +chandler,youre watching a football game at a funeral?,joey,"no, its the pre-game. im gonna watch it at the reception." +mr. geller,whaddya got there?,joey,"just a, uh... hearing disability." +mr. geller,whats the score?,joey,seventeen-fourteen giants... three minutes to go in the third. +ross,looks like a fun gang.,joey,"ooh, look-look-look-look-look! i got monica naked!" +rachel,"you know, im thinking about letting emma have her first cookie.",joey,her first cookie? she has cookies all the time! +rachel,ive never given her a cookie. have you?,joey,"no! no... and, for the record, ive also never given her a frosting from a can!" +monica,thank you!,joey,"u-u-um, i think theres been an oversight." +monica,"yeah, its just we dont think of you as really being so much with the words.",joey,whoo-weh hey weh-hey whoo hey!! +monica,clearly we were wrong.,joey,"i gotta a lot of nice stuff to say about you guys, ok? and i know how much you wanna have a baby, you know, and i would love to help you get one." +monica,"you know what? then, joey, we want you to do it.",joey,"thank you! alright, let me see how im gonna start... dear baby adoption decider people..." +all,hey phoebe!,joey,hey! +phoebe,"uh-uh. ehm, a knicks game.",joey,uhm... arent you a little overdressed? +amy,"yeah! hey, sure! the days of our lives guy!",joey,"thats right, yeah." +amy,youre not good!,joey,always nice to meet a fan! +ross,oh my god!,joey,"i know, she may be the hottest girl ive ever hated." +ross,what... what you working on?,joey,"oh, monica and chandlers recommendation. i want it to sound smart but.. i dont know any big words or anything, so..." +ross,why dont you use your thesaurus?,joey,what did i just say? +ross,"watch. here, you ehm... you highlight the word you want to change. go under tools and the thesaurus generates... gives... gives a whole list of choices. you can pick the word that sounds smartest.",joey,"oh my god, thats great! im smart!! no, no, im... brainy, bright, clever, i love this thing! look out ladies, joey tribbianis got the whole package!!" +mike,excuse me... .,joey,"hey, finished my recommendation. here. and i think you’ll be very, very happy. it’s the longest i ever spent on a computer without looking at porn." +chandler,i don’t... uh... understand.,joey,some of the words are a little too sophisticated for ya? +monica,it doesn’t make any sense.,joey,of course it does! it’s smart! i used the the-saurus! +chandler,on every word?,joey,yep! +monica,"alright, what was this sentence originally?",joey,"oh, ‘they are warm, nice, people with big hearts’." +chandler,and that became ‘they are humid prepossessing homo sapiens with full sized aortic pumps...?,joey,"yeah, yeah and hey, i really mean it, dude." +monica,"hey joey, i don’t think we can use this.",joey,why not? +rachel,but erin brockovich had her own house.,joey,"ah, look who’s back! why do you have bags? rach, why does she have bags?" +amy,"well, i’m staying with you guys!",joey,what? +amy,we’re gonna be roomies! come on!,joey,you slept out here? +rachel,"yeah... amy kept kicking me in her sleep yelling ‘myron, get off!’",joey,"but uhm, were getting rid of her, right? rach, please tell me we’re getting rid of her." +rachel,"joey, i can’t do that!",joey,"oh, come on! last night i was finishing off a pizza and she said uoh oh oh, a moment on the lips, forever on the hips! i don’t need that kind of talk in my house!" +rachel,"well joey, uhm look, i know that she’s difficult, but i think it’s really good that she’s here.",joey,cause we will appreciate it more when she’s gone? +rachel,"no, its just... look, you know, when i first moved to the city i was a lot like her! i was spoiled, self-centered and you guys really took care of me.",joey,"yeah, monica made us!" +amy,good morning.,joey,yeaah. +amy,"oh, i can’t, honey. i’m gonna go get my eyebrows shaped. i am not happy. oh... sure you wanna eat that?",joey,"i’m curvy, and i like it!" +chandler,hey joe! hows the second draft of the letter coming?,joey,"great, im finished! in fact, i just dropped it off at the agency." +monica,you dropped it off?,joey,yeah. +chandler,can we read it? can you print out another copy?,joey,"no can do amigo. no, i didnt use the computer. felt more personal to hand-write it." +monica,you hand-wrote it?,joey,"yeah, and dont worry. i didnt try to sound smart at all! see ya later!" +phoebe,"hey, hey! boo us? boo you!",joey,"hello? yeah, this is joey tribbiani... oh, hi! well, im glad you liked my letter... no my mommy and daddy arent home right now... okay, bye bye. she was nice!" +rachel,"joey, get amys bags, she is moving out!",joey,whoo-hoo! +rachel,"joey, where are those bags?",joey,she has a lot of crap! +amy,oh! its ross... hey ross! hello-oo ross! hes rude! the end,joey,"im tellin you ross, she wants you." +ross,she lent me an egg once.,joey,youre in! +chandler,"come on, ross, you gotta get back in the game here, ok? the rachel things not happening, your ex-wife is a lesbian—i dont think we need a third...",joey,"excuse me, could we get an egg over here, still in the shell? thanks." +ross,an egg?,joey,"yeah, youre gonna go up to her and say, heres your egg back, im returning your egg." +chandler,"shell love it. go with the egg, my friend.",joey,think itll work? +rachel,"well, what are you guys doing tomorrow night?",joey,"actually, tomorrow night kinda depends on how tonight goes." +chandler,"oh, uh, listen, about tonight...",joey,"no, no, no, dont you dare bail on me. the only reason shes goin out with me is because i said i could bring a friend for her friend." +chandler,"yes, i know, but her friend sounds like such a...",joey,"pathetic mess? i know, but—come on, man, shes needy, shes vulnerable. im thinkin, cha-ching! thanks. look, you have not been out with a woman since janice. youre doin this." +chandler,"yes! way to go, man! still got the egg, huh?",joey,how do i look? +chandler,"ok, im makin a break for it, im goin out the window.",joey,"no, no, no, dont! ive been waitin for like, forever to go out with lorraine. just calm down." +chandler,calm down? calm down? you set me up with the woman that ive dumped twice in the last five months!,joey,"can you stop yellin? youre makin me nervous, and i cant go when im nervous." +lorraine,"you know, ever since i was little, ive been able to pick up quarters with my toes.",joey,"good for you. uh, quarters or rolls of quarters?" +janice,"oh, are you sure? really? because you know, you could make little puppets out of them, and you could use them in your theater of cruelty.",joey,we cant do that. +chandler,what? what cant you do?,joey,"uh, can i talk to you for a second, over there?" +chandler,tell me its you and me we.,joey,"she said she wants to slather my body with stuff and then lick it off. im not even sure what slathering is, but i definitely want to be a part of it." +chandler,"ok, you can not do this to me.",joey,"youre right, im sorry. youre right." +lorraine,"uh, can we have three chocolate mousses to go please?",joey,"im outta here. heres my credit card. dinners on me. im sorry, chandler." +rachel,"oh, joey, look who it is.",joey,whoa. +chandler,how can i dump this woman on valentines day?,joey,i dont know. you dumped her on new years. +janice,"hello, joey, our little matchmaker. i could just kiss you all over, and im gonna!",joey,"if you dont do it, i will." +mr. treeger,"ohhh, man!!",joey,what is that? +mr. treeger,what in the name of hell?,joey,maybe he found you flip-flop. +chandler,hey!,joey,whoa! is this porn? what did i do? i must’ve hit something on the remote. +chandler,do we pay for this?,joey,"no, we didn’t even pay our cable bill—maybe this is how they punish us." +chandler,maybe we shouldn’t pay our phone bill—free phone sex.,joey,maybe we shouldn’t pay our gas bill? +mr. treeger,"then i made the mistake of turning off the tv, i never got it back again. and i’m sad.",joey,why would he turn off the tv? +chandler,we don’t know what could make this go away.,joey,"yeah, so no one touches the remote. and no one touches the tv!" +chandler,and no one touches the air around the tv!,joey,"imagine a protective porn bubble if you will, okay?" +chandler,we still have porn.,joey,hey. +phoebe,you mean like a doctor?,joey,pheebs! you’re blocking the porn! look out! +rachel,y’know who doesn’t even like dirty movies? my new boyfriend joshua.,joey,yeah right. +rachel,yes!,joey,"yeah, he likes porn." +phoebe,hey.,joey,hey! +chandler,"whoa-whoa, wait a minute, did you say, you love her?",joey,"yeah, what were you trying to get her to do?!" +ross,what do i do now?,joey,you play hard to get. +ross,she already lives in london.,joey,then you go to tokyo. +ross,"okay! okay! but if she doesn’t call, it is definitely over! no, wait. wait. unless, eventually, i call her, y’know just to she what’s going on, and, and she says she’ll call me back, but then she doesn’t. then it’s over.",joey,"way to be strong, man!" +monica,"yeah, you have to go fight for her!",joey,"oh yeah, sure, that makes sense. yeah. ‘cause you already told her you love her and she didn’t say it back, then she called you and told you that there’s another guy, so yeah, go to london that’ll scare her!" +monica,"okay, good luck!",joey,"ross! ross! if you’re going to the airport, could you pick me up another one of those toblerone bars?" +emily,what?,joey,"nothing. no, nothing." +chandler,hey.,joey,hey. +chandler,"i was just at the bank, and there was this really hot teller, and she didn’t ask me to go do it with her in the vault.",joey,"same kind of thing happened to me! woman pizza delivery guy come over, gives me the pizza, takes the money, and leaves!" +chandler,"what, no, nice apartment, i bet the bedrooms are huge?",joey,noo! nothing! +chandler,"y’know what, we have to turn off the porn.",joey,i think you’re right. +chandler,"all right, ready?",joey,one. +both,three.,joey,that’s kinda nice. +chandler,"yeah, that’s kinda a relief.",joey,yeah. +chandler,you wanna see if we still have it?,joey,yeah. +chandler,free porn!!!,joey,yeah!! +chandler,"well, i think, i think ross knows about me and monica.",joey,dude! hes right there! +ross,you were worried about me? you didnt know how i was going to react?,joey,"okay, all right, whew! what do you say we all clear out of here and let these two lovebirds get back down to business? hey-hey-hey, i-i-im just talking here, he-hes the one doing your sister." +chandler,whoa-whoa-whoa! were having kids?!,joey,i call godfather! +ross,you cant just call godfather. dont you think her brother should be godfather?,joey,"sure, if you cared enough to call it first." +rachel,okay.,joey,"oh, hey katie! everyone, this is katie." +all,hi!,joey,"so, are you ready to go?" +katie,"yeah, i just gotta run to the bathroom.",joey,"oh sure, right back there." +katie,"hey, where are we going to lunch?",joey,i was thinking chinese food. +rachel,she is so cute! you could fit her right in your little pocket!,joey,"i dont know. i mean i like her a lot, and shes really nice, but…" +monica,but what?,joey,she keeps punching me. +monica,"in that cute, little, sweet way she just did?",joey,"hey, its a lot harder than it looks! okay? she-she-shes hurting me." +katie,you were so funny with that waiter! youre such a nut!,joey,"yknow, breadstick fangs are always funny." +katie,"no, you make them funny. youre the funny one!",joey,"uhh, look katie, uh listen, we-we need to talk. okay? umm, look i like you. i-i really do, i like you a lot. okay? but sometimes when you, when you playfully punch me like that it-it feels like someones hitting me with a very tiny but very real bat." +ross,"oh, no!",joey,no-no. +ross,"well, unless you make some kind of big gesture.",joey,"yeah, big!" +phoebe,"yeah, okay, my bad.",joey,hey! +rachel,"hi! wow! you look, you look…big.",joey,"thanks! ive been working out. hey listen, is it obvious that im wearing six sweaters?" +rachel,"uhhh, yeah. but its not obvious why.",joey,"well look, i’m breaking up with katie so i had to put on some extra padding. yknow? i mean, if she hits me when shes happy, can you imagine how hard shes gonna hit me when i tell her im taking away the joey love?" +katie,hi!,joey,hey! hiya! +katie,"oww!!!! joey, she just kicked me.",joey,huh. +katie,well? arent you gonna do something?,joey,uhh…. +katie,"youd better do something, or im gonna walk out that door right now! well? are you gonna?",joey,nah. +ross,oh-no. no. no.,joey,what a bad idea! +ross,hey!,joey,shes right yknow. +chandler,"well i wouldve been happy because i wouldve be able to spend the rest of my life with the woman that i love. or, you wouldve seen a chandler shaped hole in that door. ending credits",joey,"hey ross, will you pass me that knife?" +ross,"no, i will not!",joey,"oh, its okay. you dont have to be so mean about it." +chandler,thats not funny.,joey,thats not funny at all! +monica,theres nothing to tell! hes just some guy i work with!,joey,"cmon, youre going out with the guy! theres gotta be something wrong with him!" +chandler,"then i look down, and i realize theres a phone... there.",joey,instead of...? +chandler,thats right.,joey,never had that dream. +ross,hi.,joey,"this guy says hello, i wanna kill myself." +monica,carol moved her stuff out today.,joey,ohh. +ross,"no i dont, to hell with her, she left me!",joey,and you never knew she was a lesbian... +ross,sorry.,joey,"alright ross, look. youre feeling a lot of pain right now. youre angry. youre hurting. can i tell you what the answer is?" +chandler,"ooh, she should not be wearing those pants.",joey,i say push her down the stairs. +monica,"okay, look, this is probably for the best, yknow? independence. taking control of your life. the whole, hat thing.",joey,"and hey, you need anything, you can always come to joey. me and chandler live across the hall. and hes away a lot." +monica,"joey, stop hitting on her! its her wedding day!",joey,"what, like theres a rule or something?" +6,30? buzz him in!,joey,whos paul? +phoebe,"ooh, i just pulled out four eyelashes. that cant be good.",joey,"hey, paul!" +paul,yeah?,joey,"heres a little tip, she really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again until it starts to get a little red." +ross,"okay, sure.",joey,"hey pheebs, you wanna help?" +ross,"im supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little worm guys. i have no brackety thing, i see no whim guys whatsoever and- i cannot feel my legs.",joey,im thinking weve got a bookcase here. +chandler,its a beautiful thing.,joey,whats this? +chandler,i would have to say that is an l-shaped bracket.,joey,which goes where? +chandler,i have no idea.,joey,done with the bookcase! +ross,"this was carols favorite beer. she always drank it out of the can, i should have known.",joey,"hey-hey-hey-hey, if youre gonna start with that stuff were outta here." +chandler,"yes, please dont spoil all this fun.",joey,"ross, let me ask you a question. she got the furniture, the stereo, the good tv- what did you get?" +chandler,"oh, god.",joey,you got screwed. +ross,im divorced! im only 26 and im divorced!,joey,shut up! +ross,"you know what the scariest part is? what if theres only one woman for everybody, yknow? i mean what if you get one woman- and thats it? unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman- for her...",joey,"what are you talking about? one woman? thats like saying theres only one flavor of ice cream for you. lemme tell you something, ross. theres lots of flavors out there. theres rocky road, and cookie dough, and bing! cherry vanilla. you could get em with jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! this is the best thing that ever happened to you! you got married, you were, like, what, eight? welcome back to the world! grab a spoon!" +ross,"grab a spoon. do you know how long its been since ive grabbed a spoon? do the words billy, dont be a hero mean anything to you?",joey,"great story! but, i uh, i gotta go, i got a date with andrea--angela--andrea... oh man," +chandler,"angelas the screamer, andrea has cats.",joey,right. thanks. its june. im outta here. +chandler,that is amazing.,joey,congratulations. +chandler,"if can invade poland, there isnt anything i cant do.",joey,"listen, while youre on a roll, if you feel like you gotta make like a western omelet or something... although actually im really not that hungry..." +paul,morning.,joey,"morning, paul." +paul,yeah. thank you.,joey,that wasnt a real date?! what the hell do you do on a real date? +monica,"yeah, we all have jobs. see, thats how we buy stuff.",joey,"yeah, im an actor." +rachel,wow! would i have seen you in anything?,joey,i doubt it. mostly regional work. +monica,"oh wait, wait, unless you happened to catch the reruns production of pinocchio, at the little theater in the park.",joey,"look, it was a job all right?" +chandler,"look, gippetto, im a real live boy.",joey,i will not take this abuse. +chandler,"youre right, im sorry. once i was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy...",joey,"you should both know, that hes a dead man. oh, chandler?" +frannie,"are you kidding? i take credit for paul. yknow before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years.",joey,of course it was a line! +monica,"i just thought he was nice, yknow?",joey,i cant believe you didnt know it was a line! +ross,i just grabbed a spoon.,joey,i cant believe what im hearing here. +monica,"i said that you had a nice butt, its just not a great butt.",joey,"oh, you wouldnt know a great butt if it came up and bit ya." +chandler,"okay, so, im in las vegas... im liza minelli-",joey,"okay, so we went to the beach, because phoebe found out about this lady who knew her mom and dad, and i don’t really know what happened with that." +phoebe,ehh?,joey,"oh, and then monica joked that she wouldn’t go out with a guy like chandler..." +chandler,hi there.,joey,"...and he couldn’t let it go, and... i don’t really know what happened with that either." +phoebe,"oh, my new mom, who-who’s a big, fat abandoner!",joey,"whoa, wait, pheebs, wait a second! don’t you wanna stay here and talk about it?" +chandler,i’ve got canned goods.,joey,"hey, you guys! take a look at this! check this baby out, dug me a hole!" +chandler,"excellent hole, joe.",joey,oh no! no!! my hole!! +monica,ow!! ow!!!,joey,what?! what?!! what is it?! +monica,it’s like two miles!,joey,"yeah, and i’m a little tired from digging the hole." +chandler,we’ve got to do something!,joey,"well, there’s really only one thing you can do." +monica,what?! what is it?!,joey,you’re gonna have to pee on it. +monica,what?!! gross!!,joey,"don’t blame me, i saw it on the discovery channel." +monica,well forget it! it doesn’t hurt that baaad!!!!,joey,if you want some privacy you can use my hole. +chandler,me too!!,joey,me too. +ross,"fine! fine! but this break-up was not all my fault, and she, she says here, “if you accept full responsibility...” full responsibility! “...i can begin to trust you again. does that seem like something you can do. does it?!!”",joey,no? +ross,"yeah, i know. i mean, no, you’re right. yeah i guess i’ll let it go. but you-you understand how-how hard it is to forget about this.",joey,"sure, it’s hard to forget! but that doesn’t mean you have to talk about it! a lot of things happened on that trip that we should never, ever talk about." +ross,what the hell happened on that beach?!,joey,"it’s between us and the sea, ross!" +monica,"my god, you can’t even look at me! can you?",joey,nope. +ross,what happened? joey?,joey,all right. +chandler,they’ll never understand!,joey,"well, we have to say something! we have to get it out! it’s eating me alive!! monica got stung by a jellyfish." +monica,i was in too much pain.,joey,and i was tired from digging the huge hole! +chandler,and then joey remembered something.,joey,i’d seen this thing on the discovery channel... +"phoebe, ross, and rachel",ewwww!!,joey,"that’s right i stepped up! she’s my friend and she needed help! and if i had too, i’d pee on anyone of you! only, uhh, i couldn’t. i got the stage fright. i wanted to help, but there was too much pressure. so-so i uh, i turned to chandler." +chandler,"joey kept screaming at me, “do it now! do it!! do it! do it now!!” sometimes late at night i can still here the screaming.",joey,that’s ‘cause sometimes i just do it through my wall to freak you out. +ross,hmm.,joey,hey. +rachel,hey!,joey,"hey! great, you’re home! guess what phoebe got me for christmas!" +rachel,drums?,joey,no! drums! +phoebe,"so you like the drums! thats, thats great! y’know, i was worried, that, you know, they would maybe an unbearable living situation. all right, okay, well, apparently not! so, yay!",joey,"hey-hey, pheebs, check it out, we already learned a song. ready? one, two, three, four..." +chandler,"thank you gunther, put it there. definitely not easier with coins. thank you.",joey,thank you. hey pheebs! +phoebe,hey!,joey,here. now i only owe you $49.50. +rachel,"joey, y’know that you could just not throw the sticks up in the air.",joey,what is rock n roll about that? +phoebe,"hey, joey, i got you another present.",joey,"oh wait, before you tell me what it is! okay, what is it?" +rachel,"what are you talking about? i love them! yeah, i had a tarantula when i was a kid. but it-it died, because my cat ate it. and then, then my cat died. but joey, isnt this cool?",joey,"is it on me? i feel, i feel like its on me! i got, hey!" +ross,"all right, its time for the story of hanukkah. years and years ago, there were these people called the maccabees.",joey,merry christmas! +rachel,i got it!,joey,is it back in the cage? +rachel,its back in cage!,joey,cage closed? +chandler,"monica, there are no words… there are no words! this should not be this hard!",joey,"all right, uh… oh hey, you’ve done this before ross, well what did you say when you made up your vows?" +monica,"all right. umm, you could uh start out with a little 1, a 2, a 1-2-3, 3, 5, a 4, a 3-2, 2, a 2-4-6, 2-4-6, 4, 2, 2, 4-7, 5-7, 6-7, 7 …7..…7…7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7-7…!",joey,"oh, i got it! how about saying something like, monica…" +chandler,monica…,joey,…when i look back over our time together… +chandler,yeah?,joey,"well, i can’t do everything! look back over your time together." +monica,yes.,joey,can we come it yet?! we’re dying out here! +monica,come in! come in! we’re engaged!!!,joey,hey! +ross,"oh, we were helping chandler write his vows, but he kicked us out because joey kept making inappropriate suggestions.",joey,"how is monica, i love your sweet ass, inappropriate?" +rachel,i can’t believe they’ve been together for three years.,joey,has it been that long?! +ross,"believe me, it seems like less because they hid it from us for so long.",joey,"hey, its me! im comin in!" +chandler,"ive had a very long, hard day.",joey,"ahh, im gonna go get some chicken. want some?" +chandler,"ahh, no thanks. no chicken, bye-bye then.",joey,okay. +rachel,i don’t know why they didn’t just tell us.,joey,i know! i mean it’s not like we weren’t cool about it. +monica,"yes, but you cannot tell anyone! no one knows!",joey,how?! when?! +chandler,it happened in london.,joey,in london!!! +chandler,the reason we didnt tell anyone was because we didnt want to make a big deal out of it.,joey,but it is a big deal!! i have to tell someone! +monica,"please? please?! we just dont want to deal with telling everyone, okay? just promise you wont tell.",joey,"all right! man, this is unbelievable!" +phoebe,"okay, so now they know that you know and they dont know that rachel knows?",joey,"yes, but yknow what? it doesnt matter who knows what. now, enough of us know that we can just tell them that we know! then all the lying and the secrets would finally be over!" +chandler,phoebe knows about us!,joey,well i didnt tell them! +monica,them?! whos them?,joey,"uhhh, phoebe and joey." +monica,joey!,joey,and rachel. i wouldve told you but they made me promise not to tell! +rachel,"i can not believe he would do that to mon—whoa! joey, do they know that we know?",joey,no. +rachel,joey!,joey,they know you know. +phoebe,"god, they thought they can mess with us! theyre trying to mess with us?! they dont know that we know they know we know! joey, you cant say anything!",joey,i couldnt even if i wanted too. +phoebe,hes not backing down. he went to get lotion.,joey,oh man! arent you guys done yet?! +rachel,"joey look, just look at it this way, the sooner phoebe breaks chandler the sooner this is all over and out in the open.",joey,ooh! +rachel,okay!,joey,"i like that! oh, okay! show him your bra! hes afraid of bras! cant work em!" +phoebe,"joey! wow, you didn’t rip off any buttons.",joey,its not my first time. +phoebe,"i just—i thought you guys were doing it, i didnt know you were in love!",joey,so thats it! its over! everybody knows! +rachel,"well, things change.",joey,i don’t want them to move to a volvo dealership! +ross,it’ll be okay joe.,joey,"i’m sorry, i just…i like things the way they are." +ross,looks like a fun gang.,joey,"ooh, look-look-look-look-look! i got monica naked!" +phoebe,hey.,joey,hey. +rachel,"well, we were just talkin’ about you guys gettin’ married and how great it is.",joey,"yeah, you can get a volvo. if that’s what you really want." +phoebe,oh!,joey,hey! +phoebe,"oh, that’s beautiful.",joey,funny one! that’s good! +rachel,"monica, will-will you marry me?",joey,what? i don’t get it. +ross,dude!,joey,i have never known love like this. +ross,you can’t do that!,joey,if he goes first he can! +monica,"hey, have you guys eaten, because uh, richard and i just finished and weve got leftovers... chicken and potatoes... what am i wearing?...actually, nothing but rubber gloves.",joey,"ya know, one of these times youre gonna really be naked and were not gonna come over." +monica,"alright, for the bizillionth time, yes i see other women in shower at the gym, and no i dont look.",joey,"no, not that one. were trying to figure out who to bring to the knicks game tonight, we have an extra ticket." +chandler,"yeah, ross cant go so its between my friend eric prower who has breath issues",joey,"ok, uh, hey richard, if you had an extra ticket to the knicks game and you had to choose between a friend who smells and one who bruises you who would you pick?" +monica,"so what, hes a little older, big deal, i mean hes important to me. ya know if",joey,how do we say yes now and make it seem like were not doin it just to ride in the cool car? +phoebe,"yeah, i talked to my grandma about the old yeller incident, and she told me that my mom used to not show us the ends of sad movies to shield us from the pain and sadness. you know, before she killed herself.",joey,"yeah right after we stole his lunch money and gave him a wedgie. whats the matter with you, hes parking the car." +chandler,"yeah, he let us drive his jaguar. joey for 12 blocks, me for 15.",joey,"oh, what about that thing he did when he tipped the guy who" +susan,"yeah, a woman i went to college with just became the first female blacksmith down there.",joey,how come richard looks so much cooler with one of these than me? +chandler,"oh hey listen, dont be mad at him, its our fault. im sorry weve been hoggin so much of his time.",joey,"no no, seriously, chandler and i were just talkin about this." +rachel,bye.,joey,"oh hey rach, listen—hi!" +rachel,hi.,joey,"umm, can you do me a favor? i was talkin’ to my sister and she knows you work at ralph lauren…" +rachel,"no, forget it! no way! i am not sending anymore ralph lauren clothes to prison. it is a waste.",joey,"no-no-no-no-no-no, not her, not her. my youngest sister, dina, she’s really interested in fashion, and she wants to talk to someone successful, y’know, to give her some advice." +rachel,i guess i can talk to one of my supervisors…,joey,"oh no-no-no-no, she wants to talk to you!" +rachel,really?! oh my god! i’m successful!,joey,"okay, so will you meet with her?" +rachel,yes! i’d love to! have her come by the office.,joey,"great! thanks! you’re gonna love her so much. and—oh, she’s the smartest of all the tribbiani children. hey, y’know the s.a.t’s?" +rachel,yeah.,joey,she took ‘em! +phoebe,rosss can! give me the tickets! ross can give me the tickets!!,joey,here she is! future fashion superstar! +rachel,"oh joey, i’m hardly a…",joey,my little sister dina! +dina,thanks so much for meetin’ with me. joey’s told me so much about you!,joey,"this is so exciting for her. well, i’ll let you two fash…ists get down to business." +rachel,okay.,joey,hey! it’s my fashion girls! what’s wrong? +rachel,"honey, why don’t you sit down? dina has something that she wants to tell you.",joey,"oh. what’s, what’s going on? is it mom? is she sick? is it dad’s heart? is that a sandwich?" +dina,"joe, mom and dad are fine…",joey,is that a sandwich?! +dina,i’m pregnant.,joey,what?! +rachel,now! give him the sandwich! give him the sandwich!,joey,well obviously this is a mistake! you can’t be pregnant! because you have to have sex to get pregnant! +rachel,what?! dina…,joey,bub!!! i can’t believe this! you’re the good one! you went to college! both years! who did this to you?! +dina,"bobby corso, but he’s a real nice guy. i like him a lot. he’s real funny.",joey,"you got pregnant for funny?! dina…if he’s funny…laugh! all right, i’ll be back in a little while! you stay here!" +dina,why? where are you going?,joey,i can’t look at you right now! +rachel,"joey, what are you doing?",joey,"just what needs to be done! dearly beloved, we are gathered here to join this man and this woman…" +rachel,oh joey this is crazy!,joey,"don’t interrupt me when i’m talkin’ to god! now where were we? oh right, okay. do you dina, take this man…" +dina,no!,joey,oh you’ll take ‘em! +dina,no i won’t!,joey,hey! you don’t get a say in this! +dina,yes i do!,joey,"ahhh! i heard i do, we’re halfway there! okay! you!" +rachel,"all right joey! that is enough! listen, as beautiful and moving as this ceremony is, it’s not legal. okay? they-they don’t have a marriage license, they don’t have any witnesses, and the groom only has on one shoe!",joey,well what am i supposed to do? +rachel,you’re supposed to realize that they are adults! and that they can make their own decisions.,joey,no they can’t! they were stupid enough to get knocked up! +rachel,"joey, just because they’re not getting married doesn’t mean this is going to be a disaster. maybe they have a plan!",joey,"oh? oh! okay! okay! let’s hear their plan! now, what’s the future look like for dina and bobby?" +rachel,really?,joey,"dina, if you’re having a baby you should be married! even if it is to bobby! dude, that’s not a compliment!" +dina,no joey! i knew you wouldn’t be supportive!,joey,so whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! what are you gonna do? you’re gonna have the baby and-and raise it by yourself…without a husband?! you can’t be a single mother alone! you’re gonna ruin your life! +rachel,oh excuse me! am i ruining my life?,joey,no! no! no! it’s different for you. you’re so strong and together. you’re not some dumb kid who doesn’t know what she’s doing. +dina,excuse me?,joey,"one pregnant woman at a time, please! i just want you to be okay." +rachel,so forcing her to marry bobby is gonna make that happen?,joey,"maybe! well! well…so-so uh, what kind of music does numb nuts—oh forget it! i can’t!" +dina,"look, rachel’s told me how much easier you’ve made all this on her. why can’t you do that for me?",joey,because! ‘cause… ‘cause you’re my baby sister! +dina,"and you’re my big brother! i mean, you’re my favorite guy in the whole world. i’m not even scared to tell mom and dad. i was scared of telling you.",joey,"well i’d be scared of them, but all right." +dina,"joey, i can’t stand the thought of having this baby with you mad at me. i want him to have his uncle. is my baby gonna have his uncle joey?",joey,of course he’s gonna have his uncle joey! +dina,"we’re gonna be all right. i mean, even if we’re not married this baby is gonna be so loved. not just by us.",joey,that’s right! by his uncle too! +rachel,"okay bobby, why don’t we just come over here and let them have a little moment.",joey,come here! +monica,what’s so funny?,joey,"oh, nothing, no. it’s an acting exercise, i’m practising my fake laugh." +monica,oh.,joey,what-what’s so funny? +ross,"exactly, it’ll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party.",joey,"yeah, or-or to get a hooker." +phoebe,"no-no, oh, i’m fine with the age thing yknow, until it starts sticking it’s tongue down my little brother’s throat!",joey,"pheebs, he seems to enjoy it." +phoebe,"but, i mean, do you think he’s gonna enjoy it when he’s up to his elbows in the diapers from all the babies they have to have right away?! this is not fair to frank, and it-it’s not fair to the babies, and yknow what, it’s not good home economics.",joey,"well, have-have you told him how you feel?" +phoebe,"okay, i’m gonna go get frank.",joey,"so, we’re walking down the street and i turn to you and i say, “hey, let’s go hang out at totally nude nudes,” remember? and then, and then, you turn to me and say, “nah, let’s just hang out at your place.” well, that was a nice move dumb ass." +ross,all we’re saying is don’t rush into anything.,joey,"yeah, come on, think about it. you’re 18, okay, she’s 44, when you’re 36, she’s gonna be 88." +frank,"what, you don’t think i know that?",joey,"look, the point is, there’s a lot of women out there you haven’t even had sex with yet!" +frank,"okay, but isn’t sex better when it’s with one person that you really, really care about.",joey,"yeah, in a poem maybe." +frank,"okay, so what you used to have with rachel, is what i’ve got with alice.",joey,"now, wh-what, what is that like?" +ross,"yeah, yeah.",joey,why can’t i find that? +ross,"don’t ask me, i had it and i blew it!",joey,"well, i want it!" +frank,you can have it!,joey,"i don’t know, maybe i can’t. i mean, maybe there’s something wrong with me." +frank,it’s out there man! i’ve seen it! i got it!!,joey,then you hold on to it!! +frank,"all right, man!!",joey,"all right, congratulations you lucky bastard!" +phoebe,you’re frank’s best man?!,joey,"i couldn’t help it, there love is so pure." +rachel,hi!!,joey,hey! +ross,hi!,joey,"hey, how much cash do you got in your pocket right now?" +pete,that’s about 60 cents.,joey,every night!! +hypnosis tape,"cigarette’s don’t control you. you are a strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke.",joey,joey’s your best friend. you want to make him a cheese sandwich everyday. and you also want to buy him hundreds of dollars worth of pants. +chandler,"okay! listen, i’m gonna be moving out so you will be in charge of paying the rent.",joey,right! and when is that due? +chandler,first of the month.,joey,and that’s every month? +chandler,"no, just the months you actually want to live here.",joey,ahhh. +chandler,"okay, here is the phone bill.",joey,oh my god!! +chandler,"that’s our phone number. now look, i know i kinda sprung this whole me moving out on thing, so why don’t i just—why don’t i just cover you for a while?",joey,no-no! no way! joey tribbiani does not take charity…anymore. +chandler,"it’s not charity, joe…",joey,"no! forget it! okay—i mean thanks, but i’m done taking money from you. all right, i can take of myself. now, what’s next? come on." +chandler,"okay uh, here’s the electric bill.",joey,this is how much we pay for electric?!!! +phoebe,what a mean thing to say! i would never tell you it’s not your birthday!,joey,hey! +ross,"whoa-whoa-whoa, knicks season opener tonight. i thought maybe you guys would come over and watch it.",joey,"i don’t know ross, not if you’re gonna talk about how you gave up a career in basketball to become a paleontologist." +monica,why not?,joey,i’ve got ben. +ross,i gotta go make a fake ben.,joey,here it is! our last pizzas together as roommates. +chandler,"oh, i wish i’d know you were going to do that, i ordered chinese.",joey,"oh that’s okay. hey, actually in a way it’s kinda nice. me, bringing the food of my ancestors, you, the food of yours!" +chandler,"say, joe, i had a strange idea of what we could do for our last night. what do you say we play a little uh, foosball for money?",joey,"what, are you crazy? you haven’t beaten me once since my injury plagued ’97 season. it would be easier if you just give me your money." +chandler,yes it would. what do you say to $50?,joey,"okay, you’re on." +phoebe,great! it worked! no one’s sad.,joey,yes! i win again! ha-ha! that’s like 500 bucks you owe me! whoo-ho-hoo! $500 that is a loooot of electricity! whoo-ho-ho! i gotta buy some food. +chandler,"okay, give me a chance to win my money back. okay? sudden death, one goal, $1,000.",joey,you serious? +chandler,oh yes!,joey,"okay, get ready to owe me!" +chandler,okay.,joey,"okay, here we go. ready?" +chandler,still broken?,joey,"this sucks man! the last night you’re here and i lose the two most important things in my life, the foosball table and $500." +chandler,"well, there are other ways of winning back your money, how about a little uh, a little blackjack?",joey,"nah, not my game." +chandler,"okay, uh, how about, how about—y’know what? we could play a new game. a new game, it’s fun.",joey,"well, what’s it called?" +chandler,cups.,joey,i don’t know how to play cups. +chandler,"i’ll teach ya! come on, come on, it’s really easy and really, really fun.",joey,all right. +chandler,"okay, here you go. i have two queens, what do you have?",joey,a two and a five. +chandler,"ho-ho, you win! 50 dollars!",joey,really?! +chandler,"oh yeah! okay, let’s play again. what do you got?",joey,a four and a nine. +chandler,you’re kidding right?,joey,no. why? +chandler,well that’s a full cup!,joey,damn! i am good at cups! +chandler,you win.,joey,"well, what did you have?" +chandler,"it doesn’t matter because nothing beats a three and a six. that my friend is d-cup. okay, now much have you won so far?",joey,"uh, wow, 700." +chandler,not 700 exactly?,joey,yeah. +chandler,double it!,joey,what? +chandler,"well you see in cups, once you get $700, you have to double it.",joey,really? +ross,"hello? hey mon, how’s the packing going? ben? he’s fine. yeah, he’s right—oh my god! get your head of your shirt there son! what? yeah, it’s a pumpkin. i’ll come pack.",joey,hey! +chandler,what’s wrong?,joey,"ross and i were helping the girls pack, took a little break, i lost $1,500 to him in cups!" +chandler,wh-how did you lose at cups?!,joey,"the same way you lost. i started out with a king and a queen, bamn! ross gets a 2 and a 3. then i get a jack and a king, boom! ross gets a 4 and a 5! ross was getting the cup card, the d-cup, the sittin’ down bonus! meanwhile, i didn’t even get half a cup! nothin’!!" +chandler,oh man!!,joey,"and he never played before either! y’know what i think? i think beginner’s luck, very important in cups." +chandler,"all right, let’s play one more hand! one more!",joey,"no, no, no more! i cannot lose another dime! i’m serious this time! in-in fact, look, there’s a—i wanna give you something. and let me give it too you know before i pawn it for cups money. now, i want you to have the big white dog as a kinda of a, y’know, thank you for being such a great roommate." +chandler,i can’t take the big white dog! you love it!,joey,"it’s him, not it!" +chandler,"no, but wait—what if i bought it from you, y’know? and your nice gesture would be giving it to me at a reasonable price, say $1,500?",joey,"wait a second, i see what you’re trying to do here! you-you’re trying to give me money again!" +chandler,when did i try to give you money?,joey,"over there! before, with the bills! you tried to give some charity, i said no, you dropped it. okay? then we had a nice last night together, we had some fun, we gambled, nobody tried to give anybody any money! now out of the blue, you start with the charity thing again!" +chandler,i’m just trying to help you out! okay? i wanna make sure that you’re okay.,joey,"i will be okay! look chandler, you gotta get it out of your head that i can’t take care of myself. okay? look, i’m not gonna miss you helping me out with money. the only thing that i’m gonna miss…is you. and now the dog." +monica,"so, howd it go?",joey,"ahhhhhh, i didnt get the job." +ross,how could you not get it? you were santa last year.,joey,"i dunno. some fat guys sleeping with the store manager. hes not even jolly, its all political." +monica,so what are you gonna be?,joey,"ah, im gonna be one of his helpers. its just such a slap in the face, yknow?" +phoebe,"okay, were gonna take a short break.",joey,"hey, that guys going home with more than a note!" +chandler,"im not saying it was a good idea, im saying i snapped!",joey,"hi. hi, sorry im late." +chandler,too many jokes... must mock joey!,joey,"nice shoes, huh?" +monica,yeah.,joey,you know more than one fun bobby? +rachel,"okay, here we go...",joey,"ooh ooh ooh ooh, theres no room for milk!" +ross,"okay, so on our no-date evening, three of you now have dates.",joey,"uh, four." +rachel,sorry. paolos catching an earlier flight.,joey,"yeah, and i met this really hot single mom at the store. whats an elf to do?" +sandy,"hi, im sandy.",joey,sandy! hi! cmon in! ...you brought your kids. +sandy,"yknow, when i saw you at the store last week, it was probably the first time i ever mentally undressed an elf.",joey,"wow, thats, uh, dirty." +sandy,yeah.,joey,"hey, kids..." +monica,hey everybody! its fun bobby!,joey,hey fun bobby! whoah! who died? +dick clark,"hi, this is dick clark, live in times square. were in a virtual snowstorm of confetti here in times square...",joey,"there ygo, kids." +chandler,and then the peacock bit me. please kiss me at midnight.,joey,you seen sandy? +chandler,and the moment of joy is upon us.,joey,looks like that no date pact thing worked out. +monica,so im kissing everyone?,joey,"nonono, you cant kiss ross, thats your brother." +chandler,"alright, somebody kiss me. somebody kiss me, its midnight! somebody kiss me!",joey,alrightalrightalright. there. +chandler,"oh! some guy. some guy. hey jill, i saw you with some guy last night. yes, he was some guy.",joey,hi everyone. +ross,"and officiating at tonights blackout, is rabbi tribbiani.",joey,"well, chandlers old roomate was jewish, and these are the only candles we have, so... happy chanukah, everyone." +chandler,put joey on the phone.,joey,whats up man? +chandler,im trppd... in an atm vstbl... wth jll gdcr.,joey,"oh my god! hes trapped in an atm vestibule with jill goodacre! chandler, listen." +ross,thats my sister.,joey,ok... my weirdest place would have to be... the womens room on the second floor of the new york city public library. +ross,step back.,joey,we have a winner! +rachel,"oh ross, youre so great.",joey,its never gonna happen. +ross,what?,joey,you and rachel. +ross,what? why not?,joey,"because you waited too long to make your move, and now youre in the friend zone." +ross,"no, no, no. im not in the zone.",joey,"ross, youre mayor of the zone." +ross,"im taking my time, alright? im laying the groundwork. yeah. i mean, every day i get just a little bit closer to...",joey,"priesthood! look ross, im telling you, she has no idea what youre thinking. if you dont ask her out soon youre going to end up stuck in the zone forever." +ross,"i will, i will. see, im waiting for the right moment. what? what, now?",joey,"yeeeeaaaahhh! whats messing you up? the wine? the candles? the moonlight? youve just got to go up to her and say, rachel, i think that..." +ross,"ok, here goes.",joey,are you going to do it? +ross,im going to do it.,joey,do you want any help? +ross,"you come out there, youre a dead man.",joey,"good luck, man." +ross,thanks. ok.,joey,ok. +monica,outside.,joey,you cant go out there. +monica,why not?,joey,because of... the reason. +monica,and that would be?,joey,"i, um, cant tell you." +monica,"joey, whats going on?",joey,"ok, youve got to promise that youll never, ever tell ross that i told you." +monica,about what?,joey,hes planning your birthday party. +monica,oh my god! i love him!,joey,youd better act surprised. +phoebe,"well, he didnt tell me.",joey,"hey, dont look at me. this is rosss thing." +monica,this is just bactine. it wont hurt.,joey,"sorry, that was wax." +ross,kinda... spooky without any lights.,joey,bwah-hah-hah! +ross,oh.. oh... oh.,joey,"hey ross. this probably isnt the best time to bring it up, but you have to throw a party for monica." +chandler,"hi, um, im account number 7143457. and, uh, i dont know if you got any of that, but i would really like a copy of the tape.",joey,"oh, uh, hey rach. i uh, i was just coming over here to uh… oh wait, i don’t have to lie to you, you don’t live here anymore. uh, i’m eating their food. what are you doing?" +rachel,ross is on a date with my sister and they shut the drapes two and a-half-hours ago.,joey,"whoa, i didn’t know we could date your sister!" +chandler,yuck!,joey,i can’t believe ross went out with rachel’s sister! when chandler made out with my sister i was mad at him for 10 years. +chandler,that was like 5 years ago.,joey,yeah you got 5 years left! +chandler,joey…,joey,you wanna make it 6?! +chandler,"well see now that i can see crying over, but bambi is a cartoon!",joey,you didn’t cry when bambi’s mother died? +chandler,"no, i guess i just never really cried. y’know? i’m not a crying kind of guy.",joey,"come on man there’s gotta be something that gets you choked up! like uh, uh oh, what if you saw a three-legged puppy?" +chandler,"i’d be sad sure, but i wouldn’t cry.",joey,"okay, what if the puppy said, help me chandler. all the other puppies pick on me." +chandler,"no! look, i don’t cry! it’s not a big deal! okay?!",joey,no! it’s not okay! it’s not okay at all!! you’re dead inside!! +phoebe,"you’re just saying that because you’re my biggest fan. joey listen, take good care of that guy, okay? he’s a fan. bye!",joey,"so, you saw me on days of our lives huh? want me to, want me to do a little dr. drake remoray for ya?" +the fan,"i have no idea what you’re talking about. but i, but i just got phoebe buffay’s autograph!",joey,"oh, you’re phoebe’s fan!" +the fan,oh yeah! i’ve seen all her movies.,joey,movies? +the fan,"that was phoebe buffay, the porn star.",joey,i don’t think so. +the fan,"no-no, it was! she was in sex toy story 2, lawrence of alabia, and i got her autograph! the guys at the comic book store aren’t gonna believe this!",joey,"hey gunther, don’t let that guy in here anymore! he just said phoebe’s a porn star!" +monica,oh great! did you get a movie?,joey,"uhhh, yeah. yeah. but uh, i don’t think it’s the kind you’re gonna like." +chandler,you didn’t get more movies that are gonna have us reaching for the tissues all night did you?,joey,sort of… +monica,"guys, what’s going on?",joey,phoebe’s a porn star! +monica,that’s phoebe! where did you get that?,joey,well down at the adult video place down on bleaker. +monica,"yes, but you are dead inside.",joey,"all right well, i’d better take that back." +monica,"wh-what, why?",joey,we can’t watch that! i mean that’s phoebe! +rachel,probably just the first half.,joey,"no! hey no! this is wrong you guys! phoebe’s our friend! well, i’m not gonna watch it!" +ross,yeah! good for you joe!,joey,yeah. +chandler,she’s just doing her job!,joey,you sick bastards! +rachel,"oh, it’s a tattoo! that’s weird, phoebe doesn’t… wait that’s ursula! that’s not phoebe that is ursula!",joey,re! re! then i can watch that! rewind it! rewind it! +phoebe,hey!,joey,hey! +phoebe,"so, i just came from the company ursula works for.",joey,"oh no, not you too!" +phoebe,no! no! i just went to pick up phoebe buffay’s checks; there were a lot of them.,joey,nice! +phoebe,"um-mmm, and i won’t have to go there anymore because i gave them my correct address.",joey,"that’s great, but isn’t it gonna bother that people still think you’re a porn star?" +phoebe,oh no! no! i know how to handle it.,joey,you do? +phoebe,"yeah. you’re trying to figure out where you know me from? all right, i’ll give you a hint. from porn! okay? yeah your pervert boyfriend watched me in a porno movie! see?",joey,yeah. +phoebe,"oh, hey joey.",joey,"uh, hey." +phoebe,"listen, i need to ask you something. ok, you know how my step dads in prison.",joey,yeah. +phoebe,"yeah. well, uhm... listen he was supposed to get a weekend furlough, so hed come to the wedding tomorrow, but he just called and... uhm... well, apparently stabbing iceman in the exercise yard just couldnt wait till monday.",joey,so he cant come? +phoebe,"no, and so theres no one to walk me down the aisle and... well, i would just really love it if you would do it.",joey,seriously? +phoebe,"yeah, youve... you know, sort of been like a dad to me. i mean, youve always, you know, looked out for me and shared your wisdom...",joey,i am pretty wisdomous. +phoebe,so... what do you say?,joey,"are you kidding? phoebe, i would be honored." +phoebe,"oh, thank you. i hope... i hope you know how much you mean to me.",joey,"listen, i hope... that you know... i dont want you to see your father cry, go to your room!" +phoebe,oh.,joey,"oh no, no, no, let your dad get this." +monica,"are you still crying about your damn baby? pheebs, you gotta keep the line moving, remember, 20 seconds per person. your see these clowns all the time!",joey,"hey, youre mikes parents, right?" +mikes mother,"yes, we are.",joey,"ah, our little ones are growing up fast, uh?" +mikes father,hows that?,joey,"you know, on the one hand youre happy for them, but on the other hand its hard to let go." +mikes father,who in gods name are you?,joey,"hey, im not that fond of you either, ok buddy? but im just trying to be nice for the kids!" +chandler,"i wouldnt know, i didnt make it!",joey,"so, you know im filling in for phoebes step dad, tomorrow, right?" +mike,"yeah, yeah. hey, thanks for doing that.",joey,"oh, hey, my pleasure. so what are your intentions with my phoebe?" +mike,i intend to marry her.,joey,"oh, a wiseacre. . no, no, no, i understand you plan to support your wife by playing the piano? isnt that kind of unstable?" +mike,no more so than acting.,joey,strike two! +mike,"youre right. she probably will support me. hey, unless we move in with you, dad?",joey,"strike three! you only get one more, mike!" +rachel,"ok-dokey, joey, listen. this is gonna be bridesmaid central, all right? were gonna have hair and make-up going on in the bathroom and oh, i had to move a couple of things in the fridge to make room for the corsages.",joey,"oh, man! i wouldnt have had breakfast if i knew there was going to be corsages!" +phoebe,right there! thats why im marrying you!,joey,hello michael. +mike,joseph.,joey,"may i have a word with you, please?" +mike,this is... great...,joey,"have a seat. last night, i tried to welcome you into my family... and instead, you disrespect me... i cannot allow this." +mike,are you rehearsing for some really bad mafia movie?,joey,"more back talk. and yes, i may be borrowing a few lines from my recent unsuccessful audition for family honor 2: thissa time itsa personal." +mike,"joey, i kinda have a lot to do today, what do you want?",joey,"i want you to take this seriously! phoebe is very very important to me, ok? and i wanna make sure that you are gonna take care of her." +mike,"joe, i love phoebe. shes the single most important thing in my life. id die before i let anything happen to her.",joey,"thats what i wanted to hear! because shes family, ok, and now youre gonna be family, and there is nothing more important in the whole world, than family." +mike,that must have been one lousy movie.,joey,that was me! +phoebe,"no! were gonna do it my way. because your way is stupid! alright i gotta go, i have another call, reverend. hello?",joey,im glad we had this little talk. +phoebe,"oh my god, everything is such a mess. why is this happening to me?",joey,how bad do you want to stick your tongue on that? +monica,"ok people, we are back in business! oh god, weve missed you soo much! ok, go and get your hair and make-up done, and ill take care of everything.",joey,"hey, what are you guys gonna do?" +phoebe,about what?,joey,"the blizzard. i just saw on the news, its like the worst snow storm in 20 years! they already closed all the bridges and tunnels." +monica,ooh! but the band and the photographer are coming all the way in from new jersey!,joey,i dont think they are. +monica,"well, the club lost its power.",joey,"yeah according to the news, most of the city did." +rachel,since when do you watch the news?,joey,"uh, for your information, since they hired a very hot weather girl." +mike,"oh, no!",joey,"oh hey, dont worry. im still ordained from your wedding." +monica,really?,joey,"yeah, youd think id give up being a minister and start paying to ride the subway? huhuh..." +ross,"uhm, ministers dont ride the subway for free.",joey,"i had to read the bible pretty carefully, but... yeah we do." +phoebe,na-ah.,joey,"friends, family, dog... thank you all for being here to witness this blessed event. the cold has now spread to my special place... so im gonna do the short version of this. phoebe and mike are perfect for each other. and i know i speak for every one here... when i wish them a lifetime of happiness. who has the rings?" +ross,uh joey...,joey,yeah? +ross,chappys heart rate has slowed way down.,joey,"oh, okay. phoebe, do you take this man to be your husband?" +phoebe,i do.,joey,"mike, do you take this woman to be your wife?" +mike,i do.,joey,i now pronounce you... husband and wife. +chandler,that really was an incredible wedding.,joey,"it was, yeah. i kind of dont want it to end. hey, you wanna come in for a drink and a bite of corsage?" +chandler,"id love to, but its 2300 hours and im about to have the most organized sex anyones ever had.",joey,"nice. oh hey, what about ross?" +ross,im calling mom.,joey,"hey, hey." +chandler,and this from the cry-for-help department. are you wearing makeup?,joey,"yes, i am. as of today, i am officially joey tribbiani, actor slash model." +phoebe,what were you modeling for?,joey,you know those posters for the city free clinic? +chandler,do you know which one youre gonna be?,joey,"no, but i hear lyme disease is open, so..." +chandler,"good luck, man. i hope you get it.",joey,thanks. +monica,"you know, theyre not actually supposed to have... ill work on the lumps. joey, youre going home, right?",joey,yeah. +monica,we all chipped in.,joey,we did? +chandler,yes. its very difficult to appreciate a thanksgiving dinner once youve seen it in reverse.,joey,"uh, hi. we uh, we used to work together." +girl,we did?,joey,"yeah, at macys. you were the obsession girl, right? i was the aramis guy. aramis? aramis?" +girl,"yeah, right.",joey,i gotta tell you. youre the best in the business. +girl,get out.,joey,"im serious. youre amazing. you know when to spritz, when to lay back." +girl,really? you dont know what that means to me.,joey,"ooh, you smell great tonight. whatre you wearing?" +girl,nothing.,joey,"listen, uh, you wanna go get a drink or something?" +girl,yeah. oh.,joey,whats wrong? +girl,"i just remembered, i have to do something.",joey,oh. what? +girl,"um, leave.",joey,"wait, wait, wait!" +(joey turns around and sees his face on a poster in the subway. the poster says,"what mario isnt telling you...v.d., you never know who might have it. a variety of scenes are shown with the poster displayed all over new york city.)",joey,so i guess you all saw it. +phoebe,"no, we were just laughing. you know, how laughter can be infectious.",joey,set another place for thanksgiving. my entire family thinks i have vd. +rachel,"ok, im gonna get my stuff.",joey,"chandler, will you just come in already?" +chandler,"ok, we all laughed when you did it with the stuffing, but thats not funny anymore.",joey,"hey, monica, i got a question. i dont see any tater tots." +monica,thats not a question.,joey,"but my mom always makes them. its like a tradition. you get a little piece of turkey on your fork, a little cranberry sauce, and a tot! its bad enough i cant be with my family because of my disease." +chandler,the most unbelievable thing has happened. underdog has just gotten away.,joey,the balloon? +rachel,"oh, i gotta get my ticket!",joey,"wait, wait, we have a copy of your key." +monica,"well then get it, get it!",joey,that tone will not make me go any faster. +monica,joey!,joey,that one will. +ross,"hey, hey, im your daddy. im the one without any breasts.",joey,"nope, not that one." +monica,can you go any faster with that?,joey,"hey, i got one keyhole and about a zillion keys. you do the math." +rachel,"oh, god, this is great! the plane is gone, so it looks like im stuck here with you guys.",joey,"hey, we all had better plans. this was nobodys first choice." +monica,"oh, really? so why was i busting my ass to make this delicious thanksgiving dinner?",joey,you call that delicious? +phoebe,ugly naked guys taking his turkey out of the oven. oh my god. hes not alone. ugly naked guys having thanksgiving dinner with ugly naked gal.,joey,ive gotta see this. all right ugly naked guy! +monica,does anybody wanna split this with me?,joey,"oh, i will." +phoebe,"come on, you know, thanksgiving. ooh, you got the bigger half. whatd you wish for?",joey,the bigger half. +chandler,wow! pregnancy does give you some weird cravings.,joey,yeah? +phoebe,"it’s me. it’s phoebe. listen there’s something in here i want to eat, what-what smells so good?",joey,is it the shampoo? it’s guava. +phoebe,no!,joey,oh! wait-wait! is it my bologna sandwich? +phoebe,yes. yes. yes. i can’t believe it! the baby wants bologna! maybe he wants me to eat meat? i can’t eat meat!,joey,"oh, wait-wait! maybe it’s a pickle?!" +all,hey!,joey,"hey, what have you guys been up too?" +emily,"right, i’ve got to be off, i’ll see ya. buh-bye then.",joey,wow! you guys seem to be having a good time. +ross,"yeah, she’s got to go back to london. but you know what? i’ve been prepared for this from the start. we both knew we had two weeks together, and that’s it. y’know.",joey,hey that’s what all my relationships are like. +phoebe,being pregnant is tough on your tummy.,joey,"hey, but at least you got that cool, pregnant lady glow." +chandler,what are you talking about?,joey,"yeah, what’ going on?" +ross,"well, as much as i’d like to meet josh and warn him, emily and i aren’t going to be here. all right? i mean, she’s going to come by first to say good-bye, and then i’ve got a whole special evening planned. so i’m sorry, no party.",joey,awwww! +chandler,like what?,joey,what-what-what is so funny? +chandler,"i said, like what?",joey,now that’s a thinker. +phoebe,"ooh, yeah. then what are you going to put on top of that?",joey,a little salami. +phoebe,"ooh yeah! then umm, what goes on top of the salami?",joey,pastrami. +rachel,"oh, could somebody give me a hand with this zipper?",joey,yeah. +rachel,"ohh, god! look at him, he’s so cute. i wanna go over there, grab him, and kiss him! how can i kiss him and not letting him know that i like him?",joey,"oh! i know how you can get him, take off your bra." +rachel,what?,joey,there was a seen in footloose... +chandler,flashdance.,joey,"yeah-yeah, yeah, with that-that uh, plumber girl…" +chandler,she was a welder.,joey,"what? were you like in the movie, or… anyway, she takes off her bra under her shirt and pulls it out the sleeve. very sexy, and classy." +all,yay!,joey,welcome to america. +ross,"okay, that-that’s enough! y’know, let’s, let’s let someone else play.",joey,"if you didn’t want to play, why did you come to the party?" +chandler,there’s a phoebe on my sandwich!,joey,"phoebe, what-what are you doing?!" +phoebe,i can’t help it. i need the meat. the baby needs the meat.,joey,"all right look, y’know how-y’know how when you’re dating someone and you don’t want to cheat on them, unless it’s with someone really hot?" +phoebe,"yeah, totally!",joey,"all right. okay. well this is the same kind of deal. if you’re going to do something wrong, do it right!" +phoebe,"yeah, but at what cost? six more months, three meals a day, i’m gonna eat like, y’know millions of cows.",joey,"hey, what if i said, i could even things out for ya, meatwise." +phoebe,what?,joey,"well, i eat a lot of meat right?" +phoebe,yeah.,joey,"well, suppose until the baby’s born i laid off it. no extra animals would die, you-you’d just be eating my animals." +phoebe,"joey, i can’t believe you would do that for me.",joey,"absolutely! i could be a vegetarian. there’s no meat in beer, right?" +monica,i think you’re done.,joey,"okay, time to take off the bra." +joshua,"umm, that was really great, but i-i gotta take-off actually.",joey,take the bra off. +rachel,okay. every time.,joey,"oooh, what you got there?" +phoebe,pastrami.,joey,"oh-ho-ho, yeah! hey! y’know what goes good with that?" +phoebe,"hm-mm, corn beef.",joey,"ooh, i was gonna say bologna, but that’s much better. how about a little of that smoked turkey?" +phoebe,okay.,joey,oh mama! uh when-when is the baby due? +phoebe,six months.,joey,"ugh. now if a cow should die of natural causes, i can have one of those right?" +chandler,"you know, its... something funny about sneakers. ill be right back.",joey,"i gotta get one, too." +ross,"look, would you guys grow up? that is the most natural beautiful thing in the world.",joey,"yeah, we know, but theres a baby suckin on it." +carol,sure.,joey,"uh, does it hurt?" +carol,"it did at first, but not anymore.",joey,chandler? +carol,as much as he needs.,joey,"ok, i got one, i got one. uh, if he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?" +all,hi!,joey,monica whatre you doin? you cant go shopping with her? what about rachel? +phoebe,"woof, woof.",joey,bijan for men? bijan for men? bijan for men? hey annabelle. +annabelle,"hey, joey. so did you hear about the new guy?",joey,who? +hombre man,hombre?,joey,whats he doin in my section? +annabelle,i guess he doesnt know.,joey,"well, hes gonna. ill see you a little later, ok? hey, how ya doin?" +hombre man,mornin.,joey,"listen, i know youre new, but its kinda understood that everything from young mens to the escalator is my territory." +hombre man,"your territory, huh?",joey,yeah. bijan for men? +phoebe,bras! we bought bras! we bought bras.,joey,"bijan for men? bijan for men? bijan for... hey, annabelle, uh, listen, i was wondering if maybe after work you and i could go maybe grab a cup of coffee." +annabelle,you bet. maybe some other time?,joey,"hey, its not the first time i lost a girl to a cowboy spraying cologne. bijan for men? bijan for men?!" +rachel,"phoebe, that is juice, squeezed from a person.",joey,what is the big deal? +phoebe,come on. it doesnt taste bad.,joey,"yeah, its kinda sweet, sorta like, uh..." +susan,cantaloupe juice.,joey,exactly. +chandler,howdy.,joey,"gimme a box a juice. well, they switched me over to hombre." +chandler,"well, maybe its because of the way youre dressed.",joey,"or maybe its because this guys doing so good they wanna put more people on it. you should see this guy, chandler, he goes through two bottles a day." +chandler,what do you care? youre an actor. this is your day job. this isnt supposed to mean anything to you.,joey,"i know, but, i was the best, you know? i liked being the best. i dont know. maybe i should just get outta the game. they need guys up in housewares to serve cheese." +chandler,"all right, say you do that. you know sooner or later somebodys gonna come along that slices a better cheddar. and then wherere you gonna run?",joey,yeah i guess youre right. +chandler,youre damn right im right. i say you show this guy what youre made of. i say you stand your ground. i say you show him that you are the baddest hombre west of the lingerie.,joey,im gonna do it. +phoebe,"wait, wait, wait, wait!",joey,"mornin. i said, mornin." +hombre man,ready.,joey,"yeah, im ready." +annabelle,"my god, what happened?",joey,"these new kids, they never last. sooner or later, they all...stop lastin. listen, uh, what do you say i buy you that cup of coffee now?" +rachel,coffee.,joey,thank you. +rachel,oh. that wenus.,joey,so whatre you going to do? +ross,"hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood?",joey,"how about tonys? if you can finish a 32-ounce steak, its free." +chandler,and hes not speaking metaphorically.,joey,"so.... back to your place...you thinking, maybe... huh-huh?" +ross,"well, i dont know.... huh-huh.... but im hoping huh-huh.",joey,"im telling you, that monkey is a chick magnet! shes going to take one look at his furry, cute little face and itll seal the deal." +monica,"ok, try this salmon mousse.",joey,mmmm. good. +monica,is it better than the other salmon mousse?,joey,its creamier. +monica,"yeah, well, is that better?",joey,"i dont know. were talking about whipped fish, monica. im just happy im keeping it down, yknow?" +rachel,waitressing?,joey,uh-oh. +ross,um... uh.... vulva.,joey,vulva? +ross,"alright, i panicked, alright? she took me by surprise. you know, but it wasnt a total loss. i mean, we ended up cuddling.",joey,whoaa!! you cuddled? how many times?? +ross,"shut up! it was nice. i just... i dont think im the dirty-talking kind of guy, you know?",joey,whats the big deal? you just say what you want to do to her. or what you want her to do to you. or what you think other people might be doing to each other. ill tell you what. just try something on me. +ross,please be kidding.,joey,"why not? come on! just, just close your eyes and tell me what youd like to be doing right now." +ross,ok. im in my apartment...,joey,....yeah... what else? +ross,"thats it. im in my apartment, youre not there, were not having this conversation.",joey,"alright, look, ill start, ok?" +ross,"joey, please.",joey,"come on. come on. alright, ready, look! oh... ross.... you get me so hot. i want your lips on me now." +ross,wow.,joey,"alright, now you say something." +ross,i... ahem... i really dont think so.,joey,"come on! you like this woman, right?" +ross,yeah.,joey,"you want to see her again, right?" +ross,sure.,joey,"well if you cant talk dirty to me, howre you going to talk dirty to her? now tell me you want to caress my butt!" +ross,"ok, turn around. i just dont want you staring at me when im doing this.",joey,"alright, alright. im around. go ahead." +ross,"ahem... i want.... ok, i want to... feel your... hot, soft skin with my lips.",joey,there you go! keep going. keep going! +ross,....and....,joey,say it... say it! +ross,funny story!,joey,youre not going to believe this! +chandler,its ok. its ok. i was always rooting for you two kids to get together.,joey,"hey chandler, while you were sleeping that guy from your old job called again." +chandler,again?,joey,"and again, and again, and again... hello? and again." +steve,hey!,joey,what a tool! +phoebe,yeah! you know all those yummy noises? i wasnt faking.,joey,"so, er... how did it go with celia?" +ross,"oh, i was unbelievable.",joey,"all right, ross!" +ross,"i was the james michener of dirty talk. it was the most elaborate filth you have ever heard. i mean, there were characters, plot lines, themes, a motif... at one point there were villagers.",joey,whoa! and the... huh-huh? +ross,"well, ahem... you know, by the time wed finished with all the dirty talk, it was kinda late... and we were both kind of exhausted, so uh...",joey,you cuddled. +rachel,"maybe, but shouldnt we wait for chandler?",joey,"yeah, where the hell is he?" +chandler,hey! what are you guys doing?,joey,hey. +chandler,but we don’t know the neighbors.,joey,"i do. there’s uh, let’s see, guy with a mustache, smokes-a-lot lady, some kids i’ve seen, and a red-haired guy who does not like to be called rusty." +monica,joey!!,joey,yeah? +monica,did you eat all the neighbor candy?!,joey,"uh well yeah, that was the plan, but by the time i got to it there was only a couple of pieces left!" +monica,they love my candy? oh man!!! i’ve gotta go make more!!,joey,"hey mon, you might wanna make some more lasagna too, because something might’ve happened to a huge chunk of it." +monica,"ross! that is so sweet of you to get phoebe that bike! when i heard the story, i almost cried.",joey,almost cried huh? hear that chandler? almost cried! +chandler,"hey, you cry every time somebody talks about titanic!",joey,those two only had each other! +monica,"oh yeah! i saw her walkin’ it down the street the other day. she had uh, these flowers in the basket. it was so cute.",joey,"yeah, i saw her this morning walkin’ it by the park." +ross,"wait a minute, she was walking the bike? both times?",joey,hey pheebs? +rachel,"ugh, i just gotta get the thing back!",joey,hey rach? +rachel,yeah?,joey,that sketch you mentioned? might it have looked a little something like this? +rachel,ugh!,joey,"boy i tell ya, this little talent came in handy before i could afford porn." +the woman,"please, can’t you help me out?",joey,"hey chandler, do we know that lady?" +the man,we’re waiting for the candy. bring out the candy!,joey,yeah lady! give us candy!! +chandler,joey!,joey,what’s up buddy? +chandler,what are you doing?,joey,waiting for candy. +chandler,no not candy lady.,joey,"hey, if we know it can we have candy?!!" +chandler,"all right, y’know what? forget it, all of you forget it! you’ve ruined it! go home! you’ve ruined it! you’ve ruined it!",joey,"that’s right, it’s all ruined! you guys ruined everything! you ruined it!" +monica,"i’m fine now, but it was really scary there for a while. i mean, someone slipped a-a threatening note under the door.",joey,"oh yeah, sorry about that. mob mentality or whatever, i don’t know… ending credits" +rachel,"oh, wait and on the nineteenth a secret crush announces itself.",joey,hey guys! +chandler,oh that’s right. it’s your first day! so are you psyched to fight fake crime with your robot sidekick?,joey,am i psyched? the lead in my own tv series? i’ve dreamed about this for years! why have i not been preparing?! +phoebe,"no! joey, you’re going to be great!",joey,"but i got to act with a robot pheebs, and-and i don’t know anything about technology! i can’t even use chandler’s computer except to find porn! and-and that’s only ‘cause it’s right there when you turn it on!" +the producer,"so uh, here’s your office set!",joey,"wow! huh? mac macaveli, private investigator!" +the producer,let’s get you into wardrobe for a fitting.,joey,"okay. hey uh, when do i get to meet the robot?" +the producer,"i’m sorry, why don’t we do that right now? he’s right here.",joey,okay. +the producer,"joey tribbiani, this is…",joey,oh wow! he’s so lifelike! unbelievable! (he starts tugging on the guy’s ears. +the producer,"this is wayne, the man who created and operates c.h.e.e.s.e.",joey,"how do you do there, wayne?" +the producer,"i’ll let you two guys get acquainted, huh?",joey,"okay. sorry about that… uh, so where’s c.h.e.e.s.e.?" +wayne,c.h.e.e.s.e. is right here. c.h.e.e.s.e.: nice to meet you mac!,joey,"this is like the temporary robot, right?" +wayne,no. why?,joey,"well, i-i just, i just it was going to be like a really cool robot, y’know? like the terminator or uh, when i first saw you." +wayne,"i spent two years developing this machine, it’s absolutely state of the art.",joey,"i’m sorry, it just—i don’t know it doesn’t really look like it can do anything." +rachel,ohh. ooh!,joey,hey! +monica,how was your first day?,joey,pretty great! except i did get a little attitude from the robot. +chandler,"damn those robots, they’re supposed to be our faithful servants!",joey,"anyway, it wasn’t the robot, it was the guy who controls him. yeah, he doesn’t like me. he had c.h.e.e.s.e. knock over the sandwich right when i was reaching for one! ohh!" +phoebe,"well, why don’t you just get him fired?",joey,"i may have to, i hate to do it, but i’m the star! y’know? there’s a limit to how many sandwiches i can eat off the floor. excuse me. joey tribbiani." +estelle,"joe! i’m glad i found ya, i got an audition for ya!",joey,wow! +estelle,"the thing is it’s kinda on the q.t. the actor who has the part doesn’t know he might be fired. it’s the lead in a series, mac and c.h.e.e.s.e.",joey,i’m the lead in mac and c.h.e.e.s.e.!! +rachel,oh it’s important!,joey,"apparently, there’s like a million guys out there that can play mac, and there’s only this one robot and this one guy who controls it! i didn’t know he could get me fired! what am i going to do?" +monica,"well y’know joey, you’re a pretty charming guy.",joey,"thanks, but i kinda have a problem to deal with here." +monica,"no sweetie, you’ve got to win over the guy that controls c.h.e.e.s.e.! you’ve got to kiss some serious robot ass!",joey,"that’s not a bad idea. yeah. okay, but if i got to turn on the charm tomorrow i’m not wasting anymore of it over here with you guys. well, actually i got a little bit saved for you pheebs." +phoebe,"ooh, i have tasted my own medicine and it is bitter!",joey,"morning! hey, how’s my favorite genius and my little robot buddy?!" +wayne,don’t touch him!,joey,"okay! all right. umm, all right wayne, level with me. okay? i-i keep hearing all these rumors that i might get fired. okay, they even have actors coming in to read for my part! come on man, you-you got to give me a second chance! i mean, i love-i love this little guy! ah-ah!! okay, that’s why you didn’t want me to touch him right? here you go! okay? stupid! i can’t believe it! god! hey, how you doin’?" +phoebe,marcia and chester are mad at phyllis.,joey,i can’t believe i’m going to lose this job! +chandler,oh i’m so sorry man! is there anything i can do?,joey,yeah! help me get this mini-fridge past the security guard. +wayne,"hey joey, i want to talk to you.",joey,"yeah? well, i don’t want to talk to you wayne! i hate you! you ruined my life! oh, chandler, wayne. wayne, chandler." +wayne,"joey, joey, i-i-i’ll g-get you your job back if you help me out.",joey,why should i help you?! +chandler,the reason he just said.,joey,what do you need? +wayne,"i-i-i saw you on stage talking to that beautiful woman, y’know sarah?",joey,yeah? +wayne,i wish i could talk to her.,joey,what are you in love with her or something? +wayne,"listen, i-i guarantee you keep your job if you can teach me how to talk to women like you do.",joey,"oh wow wayne, it’s not really something you can teach y’know? it’s pretty much something you’re born with if you——you-you can teach it! i’ll show you right how to do it." +rachel,oh! i’ve got a lot of those too! ending credits,joey,"well, it turns out you were right c.h.e.e.s.e. c.h.e.e.s.e.: the shipment never made it through omaha?" +ross,"oh yeah, let me just finish this.",joey,"hey ross, check this out! yeah, i cant do that!" +ross,"you know what? im gonna finish this later, ok? let me just grab my coat.",joey,hey! +chandler,maybe we finish this for him! also i cloned a dinosaur in my lab. shes now my girlfriend. i dont care what society says. its the best sex ive ever had... aaand send!,joey,"no, no, no... what do... you cant do that to him!" +ross,"alright, lets go!",joey,dude! +ross,i think you made it clear you cannot be trusted with the ball inside the house!,joey,aaand send! +rachel,hey! how was basketball?,joey,"oh, it was a lot of fun right up until chandler got a finger in the eye!" +rachel,"oh, no! who did that?",joey,chandler... hey... rach... whats hugsy doin in the crib with emma? +rachel,"she was just crawling around and she found him, so i just let her sleep with him. thats all right? isnt it?",joey,"oh, yeah... of course... yeah... its a stuffed animal... you know... its for kids... not for adults... i know that!" +rachel,"joey... are you sure? i mean, i know how much you love him!",joey,"rachel... lets be clear on this, ok? i do not love hugsy. i like him a normal amount..." +rachel,"all right... oh, emma loves him!",joey,why wouldnt she? hes a wonderful person! +ross,oh oh oh! i respectfully disagree!!,joey,"look at you, all sweet and innocent, sleeping like an angel... with emmas chubby little hands wrapped around ya. its okay, emma, you stay asleep." +rachel,": step away from the crib, i have a weapon!",joey,"its okay, its okay rach, its me. put down the scrunchy." +rachel,what are you doing?,joey,"well, i heard emma stirring, so i came to make sure she could reach hugsy." +rachel,"oh, oh thanks. alright well, now that im up im going to go to the bathroom.",joey,there you go sweetie... this isnt over. +phoebe,damn you monica geller hyphen bing!,joey,"hey, look whos here! its joey, and he brought home a friend." +rachel,"joey, emmas right here! you promised not to bring girls home in the middle of the day anymore.",joey,"no, no, its not a girl, its... a brand new hugsy!" +rachel,"oh thats so great, now emma has two hugsys.",joey,"no, no, emma has one hugsy, the new hugsy, huh? the other hugsy, i dont know, i guess ill just take it back." +rachel,"oh you know what? when i was a little girl i had a little pink pony named cotton. oh i loved her so much, i took her everywhere, i would braid her tail...",joey,make the transfer! +rachel,should i be concerned that a button fell off the old hugsy and i cant find it?,joey,"oh, no dont worry about that, i swallowed that years ago." +rachel,"oh, i dont think she likes the new hugsy.",joey,but hes the same. +rachel,"yeah, i think she wants the old one back.",joey,but hes the same. +rachel,"joey, come on!",joey,hes the same! . +rachel,"im trying to put emma down for a nap, have you seen hugsy?",joey,original or crappy? +rachel,original.,joey,"no, sorry havent seen him." +rachel,then whats that big lump under your covers?,joey,"its monica, ok?" +rachel,thats not monica!,joey,"alright!! fine! its original hugsy! no, now i know that emma wants him but hes mine and i need him.." +rachel,oh god.,joey,... shes being unreasonable! +rachel,"joey, there is a reason that emma loves that stupid penguin so much oh dont cover its ears! its because it reminds her of her uncle joey!",joey,it does? +rachel,yeah! and shes comforted by him because she loves her uncle joey so much.,joey,really? she... she loves me? +rachel,"oh yeah! but you know what? if you need hugsy, dont worry. emma will totally understand. i wont... but whatever .",joey,"ok, wait wait wait wait a minute wait a minute, i mean rach, i mean if if... . if hugsy means that much to emma then... well she can have him." +rachel,"oooh... youre sweet, i knew uncle joey would step up. look emma, look whos baaack!",joey,look forget it forget it... i cant do it. +rachel,are you gonna... youre going to take hugsy away from a little child?,joey,how do you think i got him in the first place? +chandler,"see, this is the brilliance of the show. i say always keep them running. all the time, running. run. run yasmine, run like the wind.",joey,"i did. i thought itd be great. i figured id have like, time alone with my thoughts but, ya know, it turns out i dont have as many thoughts as youd think." +monica,"hi sweetie, look before i forget, did i leave my diaphram at your place? hi mom.",joey,you know its funny you should mention that cause i was thinkin... whats with the boxes? +phoebe,"i sound amazing. i, i, ive never heard myself sing before. i mean, except in my own head. oh, this is so cool, now i can hear what you hear.",joey,"no i just uh, thought you liked your eggs with the bread with the hole in the middle, a-la me." +chandler,or maybe she doesnt steal stuff and joey just slept with her and never called her back.,joey,"hey i liked her, alright. maybe, maybe too much. i dont know i guess i just got scared." +mr. greene,"ill never remember all of that. so uh, whats the deal? rachel comes home, people pop out and yell stuff, is that it?",joey,"uh, hey, dr. greene, why dont you come with me, well put your jacket on rachels bed." +chandler,"joey, joey. hey, some girl just walked up to me and said, i want you dennis, and stuck her tounge down my throat. i love this party.",joey,"yeah, we set up a court in your room. uh, you didnt really like that grey lamp, did you?" +chandler,me too.,joey,hey. +ross,how rude.,joey,"oh, i’m sorry. you wanna bite?" +ross,"hey, remember how chandler and phoebe blew us off yesterday?",joey,no. +ross,remember? you-you were eating pizza.,joey,yeah. +ross,"okay. well, apparently chandler’s angry at us for not getting him a ticket to that knicks game a couple of weeks ago.",joey,"oh, we’re supposed to just get him a ticket?! that guy is always mooching off of us!" +ross,"yeah! anyway, i-i still think we should try to patch things up, y’know? like uh, maybe we could get him to get tickets to another knicks game and invite him.",joey,oh wow that’s a great idea! and i still have his credit card. +ross,oh.,joey,"hey-hey-hey-ho-ho, i got this one. here you go. y’know i gotta tell ya, sometimes i just—i don’t get chandler. y’know, me and him do stuff all the time without you and you don’t get all upset." +ross,all the time?,joey,all the time! +chandler,okay!,joey,hey! +paul,joey!,joey,"whoa-whoa-hey-hey! hi, paul is it?" +chandler,do you have my credit card?,joey,"yes, it’s in my… in…in my pocket. my back pocket! my back pocket!" +chandler,thank god!,joey,oh hey listen i got us tickets to a knicks game tonight. +chandler,"oh, i can’t go.",joey,"come on! it’ll be fun! me, you, and ross, and… paul probably…" +ross,"hey! so uh, was he excited about the tickets?",joey,no! he blew us off! +ross,what?!,joey,i know! +ross,i can’t believe it. can i tell you something? i’m a little mad at him now.,joey,can i tell you something? me too. +ross,"y’know what? he didn’t want to talk to us about being angry, well maybe we don’t talk to him at all!",joey,ooooh! freeze him out. +ross,that’s right!,joey,i like it! +ross,eh? we’ll show him!,joey,"from now on, it’s gonna be joey and ross, best friends. okay! we’re gonna be the new joey and chandler." +chandler,guys? i’ve got something important to tell ya. guys? guys?! i’m gonna ask monica to marry me.,joey,i think we gotta end the freeze out. +chandler,"yeah, check out the ring.",joey,oh my god!! +ross,you-you’re gonna get married?! i mean… we’re gonna be brothers-in-law!,joey,"and-and-and-and-and-and, and we’re gonna be friends again!" +chandler,heyyyy—what?,joey,"oh it’s water under the bridge, forget it!" +chandler,"okay! i was gonna wait ‘til uh, it was official y’know? but i got so excited i just had to tell you guys because you’re my best friends.",joey,i think i’m gonna cry! +chandler,i know.,joey,where’s all the tissues?! ending credits +phoe,"look, i, yknow, i dont mind taking it slow, i like him a lot, yknow hes really interesting and hes really sweet and why wont he give it up?",joey,"maybe he, uhh... drives his car on the other side of the road, if ya know what i mean." +rach,"ah, hah-hah-hah-ho, yeah, he wishes. oh, im sorry, look at me. ok, michael, lets talk about you.",joey,"phoebe, thats crazy. when i first met you, you know what i said to chandler? i said, excellent butt, great rack." +phoe,"yeah, so i said, ok, relax please, yknow, i mean, sex can be just about two people right there in the moment, yknow, its, if he wants to see me again he can call and if not, thats fine too. so after a looooot of talking. . . i convinced him.",joey,"let me get this straight. he got you to beg to sleep with him, he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got you thinking this was a great idea." +chandler,"okay, so rachels got 48 and phoebe has the lead in…vegetables, joey?",joey,say hello to the new champ of chandlers dumb states game. +ross,"wow, how many have you got?",joey,fifty-six! +ross,what? thats impossible.,joey,"46. wow! whos well educated now, mr. i-forgot-ten-states?" +ross,youre on!,joey,"all right. dont look at my list, ross, cause theres a lot on there that you dont have." +monica,"hey, did you guys know, that your oven doesnt work?",joey,"but the drawer full of take-out menus is okay, right?" +chandler,"sure, and joey; do not let ross look at any of the maps or the globe in your apartment.",joey,"dont worry, chandler, its not a globe of the united states." +rachel,"seriously, its moving!",joey,what the hell is in there? +ross,what dog? there-theres no dog here.,joey,yeah that dog left! +chandler,"okay, its um…",joey,dont do it! +phoebe,why?,joey,told ya. +chandler,"okay, you are new!",joey,"look, chandler, i told you, never tell anyone about this dog thing. its like ross not likin’ ice cream." +monica,really? id say 3 to 4.,joey,half hour. +monica,"when its your assistant, i would say never.",joey,"all right, rach, the big question is, does he like you? all right? because if he doesnt like you, this is all a moo-point." +rachel,huh. a moo-point?,joey,"yeah, its like a cows opinion. it just doesnt matter. its moo." +rachel,"youre right, im sorry. thank you. okay, thats what im gonna do.",joey,"fine! take their advice. no one ever listens to me. when the package is this pretty, no one cares whats inside." +rachel,"well, what is a boss for? hug it out!",joey,"all right, he likes you back! huh? told ya, you should go for it!" +tag,what?,joey,"street noise drowned any of that out? no, all right, i see you later, okay..." +ross,"oh, is it? is it? look, when monica and i were kids, we had a dog named rover. and, uh, one day, my dad decides, he doesnt like dogs. so monica and her friend���phyllis…take away the dog. and that was the last time we ever saw him. dont you see? this is just like that. only with a few details changed.",joey,"okay, im in my sweat pants. bring on the food! whats the matter?" +chandler,"monicas all upset, because i sent clunkers away.",joey,"so? bring the dog back, youre a hero." +chandler,"yeah, i can be a hero, i could do that. i could, i could do... i, w-w-what if, what if it attacks me?",joey,"chandler, its like a big gerbil." +chandler,and that doesnt scare you?,joey,"ross, you need some help?" +ross,"from you? yes, please!",joey,"first of all, utah? dude, you cant just make stuff up!" +ross,"i hate america! when i finish this game, i swear i am moving.",joey,hey! tags still talking to the police. +rachel,"yeah, ohh! why, damnit, why did i open my mouth? i have a crush on you; i am attracted to you. gee, i-i know that i freaked him out",joey,"if you said it like that, you probably did, yeah." +rachel,hi!,joey,oh no-no-no-no-no-no-no! he went over to ross to bring the dog back here! +phoebe,"oh no, the dogs not going to be there!",joey,you think? +monica,how many perfectly fine women are you gonna reject over the most superficial insignificant things?,joey,"hold it hold it. i gotta side with chandler on this one. when i first moved to the city, i went out a couple of times with this girl, really hot, great kisser, but she had the biggest adams apple. it made me nuts." +ross,"i got it. uh, joey, women dont have adams apples.",joey,"you guys are messin with me, right?" +all,yeah.,joey,"that was a good one. for a second there, i was like, whoa." +rachel,"oh, my, god.",joey,"oh, chandler, now, now, thats it. there, faster!" +phoebe,"im sorry, but sometimes they need help. thats fine. go ahead and scoff. you know, therere a lot of things that i dont believe in, but that doesnt mean theyre not true.",joey,such as? +chandler,"actually, i think this apartment sullies the good name of crap",joey,check this out. can i have this? +chandler,"hey, look at this. my big book of grievances.",joey,"hey, theres me! april 17th. excessive noise. italian guy comes homes with a date. hey chandler, look, youre in here too." +ross,is there blood coming out of my ears?,joey,"check it out, check it out. heckles high school yearbook." +phoebe,hes even kind of cute.,joey,"heckles, you crack me up in science class. youre the funniest kid in school." +chandler,funniest? heckles?,joey,thats what it says. +chandler,whoa!,joey,what? +chandler,"heckles played clarinet in band, and i played clarinet. and he was in the scale modelers club, and i was, well, there was no club, but i sure thought they were cool.",joey,"so, you were both dorks. big deal." +chandler,"i just think its weird, you know? heckles and me, heckles, and me, me and heckles...would you knock it off?",joey,have you been here all night? +chandler,"look at this. pictures of all the women that heckles went out with. look what he wrote on them. vivian, too tall. madge, big gums. too loud, too smart, makes noise when she eats. this is, this is me. this is what i do. im gonna end up alone, just like he did.",joey,"chandler, heckles was a nut case." +chandler,"our trains are on the same track, ok? yeah, sure, im coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same. bitter town. aloneville. hermit junction.",joey,"all right, you know what we gotta do? we gotta get you outta here. come on, ill buy you breakfast, lets go." +chandler,"what if i never find someone? or worse, what if ive found her, but i dumped her because she pronounced it supposably?",joey,"chandler, come on, youre gonna find somebody." +chandler,how do you know that? how?,joey,"i dont know, im just tryin to help you out." +chandler,"youll see, you guys are all gonna go off and get married, and im gonna end up alone. will you promise me something? when youre married, will you invite me over for holidays?",joey,"well, i dont know. i dont know what were gonna be doin. i mean, what if were at her folks place?" +chandler,"yeah, i understand.",joey,"you can come over and watch the super bowl. every year, all right?" +chandler,you know what? im not gonna end up like this. ill see you man.,joey,supposably. supposably. did they go to the zoo? supposably. +chandler,"oh, my, god!",joey,"geez, look how fat she got." +chandler,"hey. well, you will all be pleased to know that i have a date tomorrow night. this woman, alison, from work. shes great. shes pretty, shes smart. and uh, ive been holding off on asking her out in the past, because she has an unusually large head. but, im not gonna let that stuff hang me up anymore. look at me. im growing.",joey,"hey, uh, you cant recycle yearbooks, can you?" +chandler,ill take that.,joey,you want his yearbook? +chandler,"takin that with you, huh?",joey,"oh, yeah." +phoebe,"yeah, i kinda do. well, hows this?",joey,"aaahhh, look at you two... holding hands... huh is this getting serious? have you not talked about it yet? am i making you uncomfortable? if you were bigger youd hit me, huh...? aaaaaahhhhhh" +phoebe,it really is.,joey,"oh, i know it... it is amazing these little things open doors... huh!" +chandler,"hey! i need you to set me up for a joke. later, when monica is around, i need you to ask me about fire trucks.",joey,ooh. i-i dont know chan. im not so good with remembering lines. +chandler,"well, thank god your livelihood doesnt depend on it.",joey,"i know, right? wh... wh... why are we doing this?" +chandler,monica says that her maitre d. is the funniest guy shes ever met.,joey,seriously? she actually said that? +chandler,yes! am i crazy to be this upset?,joey,nooooo! being funny is your thing! +chandler,yeah!,joey,"without that, you just got lame with women." +monica,hi! there you are.,joey,fire trucks! +ross,lighter than air... but thats not the point.,joey,hey! +ross,hey...! rachel and i hired a male nanny.,joey,really...? guys do that...? thats... weird... +ross,thank you!,joey,thats like a woman wanting to be a... +monica,yes... what is the end of that sentence?,joey,"uhm... a penis model. anyway, hey... did you tell chandler that some guy from work is the funniest guy youve ever met?" +ross,wow!,joey,really? do you not know chandler? +monica,"is that why hes acting so weird...? hes jealous...? oh my god, that is crazy. its not like im attracted to geoffrey...",joey,"so what? being funny is chandlers thing... you know, like rosss thing is..." +ross,science...? academia...? being a good father...?,joey,...no... +monica,i cant believe hes that upset about this...,joey,"monica, you have to do some damage control here, okay. cause hes feeling like..." +chandler,hey!,joey,heeeyy! hey! +chandler,did you tell her what we talked about?,joey,yeah.... +ross,hey... i made up that joke and told it to you!,joey,not knowing when to shut up... +david,"i-i... oh i...i just wanna say uhm... if you do ever come to minsk, thats my number well uhm... well party up vladnik style.",joey,"yeah! allright! hey, hey ross. check it out! sandy taught me hot-cross buns." +ross,really? sounded like three blind mice.,joey,noooo... three blind mice goes like this... +sandy,whos up for puppets?,joey,me! im up for puppets! +sandy,actually studies have shown that the movement and colours help their cerebral development... the whimsical characters are just for us.,joey,i wanna be mr. wigglemunch. +sandy,"so you see wigglemunch, thats why its important to shaaaaaaare...",joey,i am learning so much from you. +chandler,i love you too. and... i like you as a friend.,joey,allright. see you later! +chandler,see ya!,joey,did that guy really make that joke? +sandy/grumpus,a friend-ship...,joey,wow! you blow my mind... +sandy,"oh, i gotta go.",joey,aaahh... how much do i owe you? +sandy,twenty bucks.,joey,its like the cheapest college ever. +phoebe,you’ve got to get out of here! save yourself!,joey,no! i won’t leave you! +phoebe,"don’t worry about me, i’m a robot! i’m just a machine!!",joey,no you’re not! not to me! +phoebe,oh my god.,joey,what? +phoebe,i am extremely talented!,joey,"yeah, you’re great! okay, let’s take it from…" +phoebe,"no, i mean i was really acting my ass off.",joey,"yeah, i thought i was pretty good too." +phoebe,"oh yeah, you’re solid. yeah, you’re just no me.",joey,y’know what? i think that’s enough for now. yeah. i don’t want to be over rehearsed. +chandler,"so uh, what’s this thing you’re auditioning for?",joey,"oh, it’s a new tv show. yeah. i’m up for the part of mac macaveli or mac. yeah, i’m a detective and i solve crimes with the help of my robot partner. he’s a, he’s a computerized humanoid electronically enhanced secret enforcer or-or c.h.e.e.s.e." +rachel,so mac and c.h.e.e.s.e.,joey,that’s the title! yeah! y’know they really lucked out that the initials spell cheese. +rachel,"huh—wait so joey if you get this, you’re gonna be like the star of your own tv show! i mean you’ll be like the big cheese! or the big mac—hey! you love those!",joey,"well, don’t get your hopes up, because probably not gonna happen." +chandler,"now-now, why would you say that joseph?",joey,i mean come on you guys! my own tv show? i just don’t know if i’m good enough. +rachel,"joey, what are you talking about? you’re a terrific actor.",joey,you really think so? +chandler,"whoa, shes pretty.",joey,"yeah, and oh shes really nice too. she taught me all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting." +ross,excuse me?,joey,"its like, you got so many lines to learn so fast, that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one. so while youre thinkin of it, you take this big pause where you look all intense, you know, like this." +chandler,"oh, ok.",joey,"vell, eva, veve done some excellent vork here, and i vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear." +ross,so you gonna invite us all to the big opening?,joey,"all right well, i’m outta here. wish me luck." +phoebe,gooood luck! gooood luck! we all wish you good luuuuuuuuck!!!,joey,"yeah, whatever." +chandler,"oh, are we playing this?!",joey,hey. +chandler,hey! how’d the audition go?,joey,terrible! i messed up every line! i shouldn’t even be an actor! +ross,"wait a minute, are you doing that thing where you pretend it didn’t go well but it really did go well?",joey,"yeah, did i fool ya?" +chandler,so it did go well.,joey,"oh, it went amazingly well!" +chandler,oh that’s great!,joey,"yeah-yeah, it’s down to me and two other guys." +ross,wow!,joey,"and i know both of them, they’re really good. one of them is the guy from those allergy commercials who’s always getting chased by those big flowers…" +ross,what am i doing?,joey,i’m just so nervous! y’know? the callback isn’t until tomorrow at five. i feel like my head is going to explode! +ross,"look, don’t worry. okay? you’re gonna be fine.",joey,"there’s just so much pressure. i mean no offense, but what you guys do is very different. i don’t know if you’d understand." +ross,my sandwich!!!!!!,joey,"i want this part so much! y’know? if i don’t get this part i’m never gonna eat macaroni and cheese again!—no, i didn’t say that! that’s a lie." +chandler,"oh right, your allergies. all her, she hates you.",joey,yes!! ha-ha!! all right! hey! how cool would it be if you could watch like a real life-sized version of this? huh? i mean how crazy would that be? +chandler,as crazy as soccer?,joey,hello? what are you talking about? the +chandler,you mean you didn’t get it from this?,joey,the allergy guy got the part! thanks! +chandler,"well, maybe we can fix it y’know? maybe we can send him some-some big-big flowers and scare him!",joey,how could you do this to me chandler?! this part could’ve turned my whole career around! +chandler,"i messed up. okay? i’m sorry, i really messed up.",joey,"hey, you don’t even live here anymore! what are you doing answering my phone? i have my machine!" +chandler,"yeah, i mean when you were late last night, kathy and i got to talking, and one thing to another and…",joey,and what?! did you sleep with her?! +chandler,no! no! no! i just kissed her.,joey,what?!! that’s even worse!! +chandler,how is that worse?!,joey,i don’t know! but it’s the same! +chandler,"you’re right, i have no excuses! i was totally over the line.",joey,"over the line?! you-you’re-you’re so far past the line, that you-you can’t even see the line! the line is a dot to you!" +chandler,"look, i’m not saying that you should magically forgive me! but you’re not perfect! you’ve made some errors in judgment too!",joey,name one! +chandler,what happened?!!,joey,"awww, man! he promised he wouldn’t take the chairs!!" +chandler,what the hell happened?!! how were you locked in?!! and where the hell is all of our stuff?!!,joey,"well, this guy came by to look at the unit and-and he said he didn’t think big enough to fit a grown man!" +chandler,so--you got in voluntarily?!,joey,"i was tryin’ to make a sale!! oh, man, if i ever run into that guy again, do you know what i’m gonna do?" +ross,what?,joey,no way! ive been going to the guy for 12 years. +chandler,cupping.,joey,"thats how they do pants! ross, will you tell him? isnt that how they measure pants?" +ross,"yes, yes it is. in prison!",joey,i said name one! +phoebe,"there we go.you know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.",joey,"okay, buddy-boy. here it is. you hide my clothes, im wearing everything you own." +chandler,oh my god!,joey,look at me! im chandler! could i be wearing any more clothes? maybe if i wasnt going commando... +"yes! (reading what he’s writing) okay, mac audition at 2",00. allergy actor attacked. by dog not flowers.,joey,hey! +chandler,please tell me you got the message!,joey,what message? +chandler,"the actor playing mac couldn’t do it, they needed to see you at 2 o’clock.",joey,what?! it’s 6 o’clock! +chandler,"du-du-i wrote it, i wrote it on the board! i wrote it on the board, then i went all over new york city looking for ya! i went to ross’s! i went to the coffeehouse! i went to any place that they made sandwiches!",joey,i can’t believe this chandler! +chandler,sorry! i-i-i don’t know what to say.,joey,well you-you-you-you might say congratulations! i saw the board! i went to the audition! i got the part!! +chandler,is that supposed to be funny! i was really worried over here!,joey,"oh, well i’m uh…" +chandler,"y’know, sometimes that fake out thing is just mean!",joey,"oh wow! okay man, i’m sorry. i did not mean to make you feel bad." +chandler,well that’s good. because you didn’t! and i’m incredibly happy for ya!!,joey,that’s mean! you really had me going there! +chandler,"oh, we could do this all day.",joey,"yeah, you’re right. okay look, listen, let’s talk about what a huge star i’m gonna be!" +chandler,you are gonna be a huge star! i’m gonna hug ya!,joey,you hug me! +chandler,all right!,joey,"hey, do we do this too much?" +chandler,"i think so. yeah, get off me.",joey,yeah. +phoebe,i can’t! my circuits are fried! they’re fried i tell you!!,joey,wow! well then i’ll just have to carry you. +ross,"that’ll be a neat trick, when you’re, when you’re dead!",joey,"ross, you don’t have to yell." +ross,oh my god. i mean…,joey,y’know what? i think that’s enough for today. thanks for your help! +chandler,wow! that ripped! that ripped real nice!,joey,"how many times do i have to tell you! ya, turn and sliiiide! yknow, turn and slide." +chandler,"you don’t turn and slide, you throw it out! i’m tired of having to get a tetanus shot every time i get dressed!",joey,"look, we’re not throwing it out! i built this thing with my own hands!" +chandler,"all right, how about we, how ‘bout we sell it.",joey,"all right. but, you’re gonna have to tell them." +ross,i’m reading your ad.,joey,"looks good, uh?" +chandler,"ahh, gepeto, $5,000 dollars? are you insane?",joey,"hey, the ad alone cost 300 bucks!" +chandler,"all right look, i’m changing it to 50 bucks, or your best offer.",joey,what kind of profit is that?! and you call yourself an accountant. +chandler,nooo.,joey,oh. what do you do? +phoebe,nothing. nothing.,joey,what? what’s wrong? +phoebe,"no dr. skeptismo! i’m sure. first of all, okay, there’s the feeling. okay, and for another, how about the fact that she went into my guitar case which is lined with orange felt. my mother’s favourite fish is orange roughy... cats....like....fish! hi, mommy. oh, i haven’t seen this smile in 17 years!",joey,"dude, phoebe’s mom has got a huge peni..." +ross,so you guys having any luck getting rid of the entertainment center?,joey,"well, there were a couple of calls last night, but ah, i don’t think any of them are gonna work out." +tony,"wow! that’s ah, that’s pretty nice!",joey,pretty nice? +peter,we’re not throwing it away! i built that canoe!,joey,good for you!! +rachel,"you guys, there’s a little girl in soho looking for this cat. i mean, you know what that means?!",joey,"yeah-eah! 200 dollar reward, split five ways!!" +all,hey!,joey,"uh, pheebs, about your mom..." +phoebe,yeah?,joey,how’s that going? +phoebe,"so great. oh, we took a nap today and my mom fell asleep on my tummy and purred.",joey,that’s so sweet. i’m gonna get some coffee. +chip,"amy welch? wow! i haven’t seen her since... so, monica about ready?",joey,"this is the unit for you my friend. sturdy construction, tons of storage compartments, some big enough to fit a grown man." +guy,what?!,joey,"oh yeah! i got in there myself once. my roommate bet me five bucks that i couldn’t, and then he stuck a board through the handles that locked me in. yeah. it was funny ‘til i started feeling like i was in a coffin." +guy,"no, you, you can’t fit in that thing. that’s not deep enough.",joey,"oh yeah? if i can’t, i’ll knock five bucks off the price off the unit." +guy,"all right, you have yourself a deal.",joey,okay. see?! i told ya! +chandler,oh my god!!!,joey,what?!! +chandler,are you all right?!,joey,yeah... +chandler,what happened?!!,joey,"awww, man! he promised he wouldn’t take the chairs!!" +chandler,what the hell happened?!! how were you locked in?!! and where the hell is all of our stuff?!!,joey,"well, this guy came by to look at the unit and-and he said he didn’t think big enough to fit a grown man!" +chandler,so—you got in voluntarily?!,joey,"i was tryin’ to make a sale!! oh, man, if i ever run into that guy again, do you know what i’m gonna do?" +phoebe,"oh yeah, your microwave. the stereo.",joey,"aww, man, he took the five of spades!! oh, no-no-no, here it is!" +ross,"oh! yknow, i’ve got an extra futon.",joey,"dude, you don’t have to brag! we got nothing here!!" +chandler,i cant believe you would actually say that. i would much rather be mr.peanut than mr.salty.,joey,"no way! mr.salty is a sailor, all right, hes got to be, like, thetoughest snack there is." +chandler,"which, by the way, is the real san francisco treat. i got her machine.",joey,her answer machine? +monica,"rachel, whats going on? i mean isnt this the same barry who you left at the altar?",joey,"duh, whereve you been?" +monica,"great, now hes waving back.",joey,"man, we gotta do something about that guy. this morning, i caught him looking into our apartment. it creeps me out! i feel like i cant do stuff!" +monica,what kinda stuff?,joey,"will you grow up? im not talking about sexy stuff, but, like, when im cooking naked." +phoebe,you cook naked?,joey,"yeah, toast, oatmeal... nothing that spatters." +chandler,"yes, its working! why isnt she calling me back?",joey,maybe she never got your message. +chandler,hell is filled with people like you.,joey,hes back! the peepers back! +rachel,"please. i havent heard from her in seven months, and now she calls me? i mean, what else is it about? oh! she was my best friend, you guys! we went to camp together... she taught me how to kiss..",joey,yeah? +rachel,"and now, yknow, im like... im like the other woman! i feel so..",joey,..naughty! +rachel,"right, ill see you guys later...",joey,"oh, hold up, ill walk out with you. now, rach, when she taught you to kiss, you were at camp, and.. were you wearing any kinda little uniform, or- thats fine, yeah..." +mindy,"no me, i am so sorry...",joey,oh my. +ross,thanks.,joey,"hey, you know our phones not working?" +chandler,what?!,joey,"i tried to call you from the coffee shop, and there was no answer." +monica,just like you told her you did! ... just pointing out the irony.,joey,"hey, so listen, i went across the street and talked to the doorman- i got the peepers name! can i use the phone?" +chandler,nngghhh!!!!!!!,joey,"can i use your phone? yeah, the number for a sidney marks, please." +phoebe,rdtor.,joey,"yeah, is sidney there? oh, this is? sidneys a woman." +monica,so shes a woman! so what?,joey,"yeah. yeah, so what? look, i live across the street, and i know all about you and your little telescope, and i dont appreciate it, okay? yeah, i can see you right now! hello! if i wanna walk around my apartment in my underwear, i shouldnt have to feel like——thank you, but... thats not really the point... the point is that... mostly free weights, but occasionally.." +monica,joey!!,joey,"yeah, my neighbor... yeah, the brunette... she says you looked very pretty the other day in the green dress." +monica,the green dress? really?,joey,"yeah, she said you looked like ingrid bergman that day." +monica,aww...,joey,big day. +rachel,why arent you guys at the movie?,joey,"well, we were! but ross was talking so loud on his phone they threw us out!" +ross,i had to talk loud because the movie was loud!,joey,hes talking to london! +monica,but why?! did he get in touch with emily?,joey,"well no, not yet. hes calling everyone on her side of the family hoping that someone will help him get in touch with her." +ross,"i-i-i dont care if i said some other girls name you prissy, old twit!",joey,ross! way to suck up to the family. +chandler,ha-ha-ha--enh-enh. im so glad you guys are all here! my office finally got wrinkle free fax paper!,joey,hey! +chandler,"oh no-no-no-no-no-no, vomit tux! no-no, vomit tux!",joey,"dont worry, i had it dry-cleaned." +monica,"vomit tux? who vomited on—yknow what, what you up to joe?",joey,"well, im doing this telethon thing on tv and my agent got me a job as co-host!" +monica,oh thats great!,joey,"a little uh, good deed for pbs and a little tv exposure, now thats the kind of math joey likes to do!" +phoebe,"ugh, whats right with them?",joey,"why don’t you like pbs, pheebs?" +phoebe,all i got was a lousy key chain! and by that time i was living in a box. i didnt have keys!,joey,"im sorry pheebs, i just, yknow, i just wanted to do a good deed. like-like you did with the babies." +phoebe,"this isnt a good deed, you just wanted to get on tv! this is totally selfish.",joey,"whoa! whoa! whoa! what about you, having those babies for your brother? talk about selfish!" +phoebe,what-what are you talking about?!,joey,"well, yeah, it was a really nice thing and all, but it made you feel really good right?" +phoebe,yeah. so?,joey,"it made you feel good, so that makes it selfish. look, theres no unselfish good deeds, sorry." +phoebe,yes there are! there are totally good deeds that are selfless.,joey,"well, may i ask for one example?" +phoebe,"yeah, its… yknow theres—no you may not!",joey,thats because all people are selfish. +phoebe,are you calling me selfish?!,joey,"are you calling you people? yeah, well sorry to burst that bubble, pheebs, but selfless good deeds dont exist. okay? and you the deal on santa clause right?" +phoebe,"hey, joey, when you said the deal with santa clause, you meant?",joey,that he doesnt exist. +ross,it could happen.,joey,how ya doin? welcome. good to see ya! +stage director,this will be your phone.,joey,"thats great. but uh, im not really expecting a lot of calls." +stage director,no you answer it and take pledges.,joey,but im the host! +stage director,"no, gary collins is the host. youll be answering the phones.",joey,"you dont seem to understand. see, i was dr. drake remoray." +monica,hello.,joey,hey mon! +monica,"oh hey joey! weve been watching all day, when are you gonna be on tv?",joey,"see, there was kind of a mix up in my agents office, but im still on tv and thats good exposure." +monica,youre not on tv.,joey,"oh, uh, okay, how, how about now?" +chandler,"hey, there he is! there he is!",joey,hello new york! +chandler,whats your point?,joey,pbs telethon. +phoebe,"hey joey, i just wanted to let you know that i found a selfless good deed. i just went down to the park and i let a bee sting me.",joey,what?! what good is that gonna do anybody? +phoebe,"well, it helps the bee look tough in front of his bee friends. the bee is happy and i am definitely not.",joey,"now, yknow the bee probably died after he stung ya." +stage director,back on in 30 seconds people!,joey,"hey, excuse me, would you mind switching with me?" +pbs volunteer,"hey, no way, im in the shot man.",joey,come on man! youve been here all day! +monica,"all right, let me see. will chandler have sex tonight? dont count on it. seems like it works to me.",joey,pbs telethon. +phoebe,hi joey.,joey,hey pheebs! +phoebe,i would like to make a pledge. i would like to donate $200.,joey,"$200? are you sure pheebs? i mean, after what sesame street did to ya?" +phoebe,"oh, im still mad at them but i also now that they bring happiness to lots of kids whos moms didnt kill themselves, so by supporting them, im doing a good thing, but im not happy about it. so there, a selfless good deed.",joey,and you dont a little good about donating the money? +phoebe,"no, it sucks. i was saving up to buy a hamster.",joey,"a hamster? what, those things are like 10 bucks." +monica,so the wedding caterer sent me this list of twelve appetizers and i have to narrow it down to six.,joey,food? uh-huh gimme! +chandler,staying out of the way.,joey,"this is impossible monica, why don’t you just pick all 15?" +monica,there were only twelve.,joey,"oh yeah, i added three." +monica,what are peanut butter fingers?!,joey,oh yeah… +rachel,"so, does this come in another color or…",joey,"hi! you uh, movin’ in or movin’ out?" +kristen,i’m moving in.,joey,"oh uh, can i give you a hand?" +kristen,oh okay. but y’know what? be careful. because a guy was helping me before had to leave because he hurt his back.,joey,boyfriend? +kristen,no.,joey,i’m joey. +kristen,kristen.,joey,"oh wow, what a beautiful name! what is it again?" +kristen,kristen.,joey,got it! so… +kristen,"so uh, do you live around here?",joey,yeah! yeah! right down there. hey listen; let me give you a little tip. do not take a nap on this stoop or you can wake up with your shoes gone. +kristen,i’ll remember that.,joey,"okay. yeah. listen would you uh, would you like to have dinner with me tonight?" +kristen,"oh i, i have plans tonight.",joey,oh. +kristen,but how about tomorrow?,joey,"sounds great! okay all right, well where does this go?" +kristen,"you look strong, why don’t i take that and you grab one of the boxes.",joey,"okay. yeah. yeah, i’ll grab this one." +ross,"yeah in fact, i’m gonna go call her right now. and i’ll make sure to tell her my friend chandler says…",joey,hey chandler! +chandler,hey!,joey,"listen, sorry i didn’t stop by last night but i had a date." +chandler,"uh joe, when it’s one o’clock in the morning and you don’t come by? that’s okay!",joey,"well check it out, i was with this really hot girl who just moved in right across the street!" +chandler,really? right across the street?,joey,yeah! +chandler,when’d you meet her?,joey,two days ago. +chandler,excellent! y’know ross met somebody too!,joey,oh yeah? +chandler,really?! joe? what would you do if you were in ross’s situation?,joey,"well, i sorta am. i mean yeah, i’m dating this girl who’s also seeing another guy. but, i don’t know, i’m not to worried about it." +ross,well obviously only one of us can keep dating her.,joey,"obviously! so, how do we decide?" +ross,"well now let’s-let’s look at this objectively, i think i should date her…",joey,"uh-huh. uh-huh. or, or i’m the one who dates her." +ross,"that’s interesting, but check this out. i date her…",joey,yeah-yeah i like that but just to go in another direction… +ross,"okay, okay. this can go on for a while.",joey,yeah well we should order some food then. +ross,"no joey! look why don’t, why don’t we just let her decide? okay? hey-hey, we’ll each go out with her one more time. and-and we’ll see who she likes best.",joey,that sounds fair. +ross,maybe i’ll take her to that new french restaurant down the street…,joey,ah yeah—wait a second now! look we’re gonna have to set a spending limit on the date. i don’t have the money to take her to a fancy place like that. +ross,"well sorry, that’s what i do on dates.",joey,"all right, well i guess i’ll just have to do what i do on dates." +ross,so let’s decide on the spending limit…,joey,"yeah. uh, …a slice……six dollars?" +ross,i was thinking more like a hundred.,joey,okay. can i borrow 94 dollars? +rachel,you’re out of toilet paper!,joey,hey! +ross,hey! what’s up?,joey,"i just wanted to come by and y’know, wish you good luck on your date." +ross,oh thanks!,joey,yeah. what time are you meeting her? +ross,we have 8:00 reservations at grammercy bistero.,joey,"wow, that’s in like 20 minutes. you’d better get dressed." +ross,i am dressed.,joey,oh. well good! for me. what is this? did you give yourself a facial? +ross,i have an oily t-zone!,joey,"okay dude! hey you uh, you sent kristen flowers." +ross,that’s right.,joey,you spent a hundred dollars. that’s the limit. you’re screwed! +ross,"uh actually, i sent the flowers before the actual date. so techincally, technically i didn’t break any rules. thanks for stopping by though.",joey,oh-oh! so that’s the way it’s gonna be huh? yeah i can break the rules too y’know! +ross,oh yeah? what are you gonna do?,joey,i don’t know. +ross,why am i not surprised?,joey,y’know what ross? i’m not gonna let you get away with this! +ross,i don’t think you have much choice.,joey,well we’ll see! +ross,bye-bye!,joey,yeah bye-bye! hey! so just a light layer? +ross,oh yeah it’s fine. i guess the more muscles you have the more they can spasim out of control.,joey,kristen? +kristen,joey!,joey,hi! +kristen,hi! what are you doing here?,joey,"oh i like this place. and technically, technically i’m not breaking any rules so i…" +kristen,"well uh, ross? this is joey. joey? ross.",joey,hi! +ross,yeah. so…,joey,sure! i would love to wait with you guys! thanks! +ross,"that’s right! that’s right, don’t you play a woman?",joey,a woman in a man’s body. +ross,much better.,joey,"so y’know ross it’s funny ‘cause, you look familiar to me too. have you ever been married?" +ross,"that’s right! wait no, ben.",joey,so you’ve just married the one time then? +kristen,you said the waiter ate my crab cake.,joey,"yeah. so uh ross, well now—why did that first marriage breakup? was it because the woman was straight or she was a lesbian?" +joey and ross,no. no.,joey,no. it just seems like ross is the kind of a guy that would marry a woman on the verge of being a lesbian and then push her over the edge. +ross,wait a minute! were you on a poster for gonorrhea?,joey,have you ever slept in the same bed as a monkey?! +ross,hey you leave marcel out of this!,joey,fine! have you ever got stuck in a pair of your own leather pants?! +ross,hey-hey have you ever locked yourself in a tv cabinet vd boy?!,joey,monkey lover! +ross,"yeah, laugh all you want but in ten minutes we’re gonna have younger looking skin!",joey,"yeah! y’know, she could use a little… oh nice shot!!!" +rachel,"hi joey, how ya doin’?",joey,great! roomie! +rachel,"huh, yeah i guess we are roommates now.",joey,"yeah! well, now that you brought it up, our fridge is broken. we have to get a new one. now, i checked around and your half is $400. thanks a lot." +rachel,i’m not paying for half of that! i’m only staying here until my apartment gets fixed.,joey,"look rach, my parents bought this fridge just after i was born, okay? now, i have never had a problem with it. then you show up and it breaks! what does that tell ya’?" +rachel,that refrigerators don’t live as long as people.,joey,"all right, now you know that the atm will only lets you take out 300 at a time, i’ll take a check for the other hundred." +rachel,you’re jokin’ right?,joey,of course i’m jokin’! i don’t take checks. +chandler,"well, of course i do! my good friend joey over here.",joey,"oh, i’m sorry. thank you chandler." +chandler,so he has to be a male who has at least $50.,joey,ooh! so close. +monica,"yeah. in fact, i like her so much you tell her i want my cookies early this year! y’know, a box of thin mints and some tag-a-longs.",joey,"hey-hey come on you guys, give him a break. ross, seriously, how’s it going with her?" +chandler,hey.,joey,huh. +chandler,"well, you…don’t look good joe.",joey,"the fridge broke. i have to eat everything. cold cuts, ice cream, limes—hey, what was in that brown jar?" +chandler,that’s still in there?!,joey,"not anymore. so anyway, how do you want to pay me?" +chandler,is this a service you’re providing me?,joey,no! no! no! for my new fridge—our new fridge! +chandler,our new fridge? i don’t live here anymore.,joey,"so what? look, suppose we were a divorced couple." +chandler,uh-huh.,joey,"and i got custody of the kid, right? now suppose the kid dies and-and i gotta buy a new kid." +chandler,okay…,joey,give me $400! +chandler,then you distract her with a barbie doll.,joey,"or! you can just, y’know…" +ross,what the hell are you doing?,joey,what? what the hell am i doing? you just broke my fridge! +ross,"what?! what? how do you, how do you even know its broken?!",joey,"oh-ho-ho, you think i don’t know what breaks my fridge? excuse me! well what do you know! broken! that’ll be $400!" +chandler,"joey, i saw you push him!",joey,you pushed him! +ross,"joey, i did not break this! okay? that has been broken for a while.",joey,"all right. chandler, do you remember how i told you about our fridge?" +chandler,uh-huh.,joey,i still haven’t gotten a check for your half yet. +ross,do not give him any money!,joey,i’m not talking to you! you broke my fridge! +chandler,"okay now it doesn’t matter which one you choose, y’know? it’s completely up to you. our guy is perfect, or you can go out with the guy phoebe deemed not good enough to go out with herself.",joey,"pheebs! there you are! okay, you broke my fridge; you owe me 400 bucks!" +phoebe,okay sure!,joey,really?! +phoebe,"ooh, technically you owe me $600 for sending out happy thoughts on your last ten auditions.",joey,call it even? +ross,"well, it turns out that she is going to daytona for spring break woo-hoo. that means, that means wet t-shirt contests, guys doing shots off of girl’s bodies, waking up next to people you don’t even know…",joey,"man, she is going to have a great time! is she staying at the hotel corona?" +chandler,you know the hotels?,joey,sure! i was there! spring break ’81! woo-hoo! +monica,in 1981 you were 13!,joey,"so what? i drove down, sold t-shirts, had a blast. and y’know who knows how to party? drunk college chicks." +rachel,i wanna say a disease.,joey,hey! +all,hey!,joey,i just got this really weird message from ross. he said turn on mtv. +rachel,oh-oh professor geller.,joey,"ahh, to be 13 again." +chandler,yeah.,joey,"yeah, but then the guy opens his beer and those girls run at him, so, everything seems to work out ok." +phoebe,"oh, i would love to have kids. . . youre, youre the, youre, me play the songs that i will write for them.",joey,"ok, well just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she wont know its me cause weve never met." +erica,"well, here we sit, devil may care, just a little while ago you were reattaching someones spinal cord.",joey,"yeah, that was a tricky one. in reality, that operation takes like, over 10 hours, but they only showed it for 2 minites." +ross,"uhh, hey look, i dont really enjoy being with other men that way. but, um, zoo dollars?",joey,"uhh, cause, uhh, im a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage. alright, look, i got to tell you something." +phoebe,today were gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals.,joey,"alright look, thats it. i dont think we should see each other anymore, alright. look, i know i should have told you this a long time ago but i am not drake remore, ok. im not even a doctor, im an actor. i just pretend to be a doctor." +rachel,"yes, yes it is true. and i know this because, because he pretended to be drake to,",joey,"yes, im afraid it is. you deserve much better than me erica. you deserve to be with the real drake, hes the one you fell in love with. go to salem, find him, hes the guy for you." +directors assistant,"hey sal, jerry wants to know if the monkeys ready for the subway set?",joey,"well, were, were just goin over here so that we can get away from the horrible flesh eating virus, for the love of god woman, listen to me. is he lookin, is he lookin?" +phoebe,"there we go.you know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.",joey,"so, assistant to the director. thats a really exciting job, i mean, you must have a ton of cool responsibilities." +phoebe,"yes thats right. but still, i-, look at your purse, look at your sweater, look at yourselves.",joey,"wow, talk about your bad luck, i mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes." +ross,halftime.,joey,"hey, who wants to ah, throw the ball around a little, maybe get a little three on three going?" +phoebe,"oh, can i play too? i’ve never played football, like ever.",joey,"great, you can cover chandler." +chandler,"no, no, no, i don’t, i don’t really wanna play.",joey,come on man! you never want to do anything since you and janice broke up. +chandler,that’s not true! i wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. i wanted to start drinking in the morning. don’t say that i don’t have goals!,joey,"chandler, you have to start getting over her. all right, if you play, you get some fresh air, maybe it’ll take your mind off janice, and if you don’t play, everyone will be mad at you ‘cause the teams won’t be even. come on." +ross,"um, monica and i aren’t supposed to play football.",joey,says who? your mom? +rachel,that almost hit me in the face.,joey,"all right, we have to pick captains." +monica,"okay, looks like ross and i are captains. okay, so um, i bunnied first so that means i get to pick first. joey.",joey,thank you. +monica,huddle up.,joey,"all right, huddle up, right over here." +chandler,"sorry. i’m sorry. yknow what, we’re just gonna throw it.",joey,i got it. +ross,break!!,joey,set....hike! +chandler,"no, no, no, no, no!",joey,"haaaaa! hey-hey, thanks for stopping our ball." +woman,you are playing american football?,joey,"yeah! wow, your like from a whole other country." +woman,i’m dutch.,joey,"hi-hi, i’m joey." +woman,i’m margha.,joey,"i’m sorry dutch, i didn’t get that last little bit." +margha,"hello, chandler.",joey,"her name is dutch, and also marklan." +margha,margha.,joey,mar-klan. +chandler,"well, that went well.",joey,i think so. +chandler,"yknow, i was thinking about ah, asking her for her number.",joey,"thanks man, but i think it makes a stronger statement if i ask for it myself, yknow." +chandler,"whoa-ho, whoa! no, i was thinking about yknow for me, as a part of that whole getting over janice thing you were talking about.",joey,"oh, yeah, that. all right, means that much to ya, i’ll let you have her." +chandler,"thanks. what, let me have her?! what do mean? like if you didn’t i wouldn’t have a shot?",joey,"well i don’t like to say it out loud, but, yeah! don’t feel bad man, we all have our strengths. you’re better with numbers and stuff." +ross,okay. hut! hike!,joey,fumble! +chandler,"well now you have two. hey, i am good at math.",joey,"all right, that’s it. yknow i was still gonna let you have her. but now, forget about it. prepare to feel very bad about yourself." +phoebe,oh i got it!! oh! ew! broken boob! ow!,joey,"pheebs, run!" +ross,before the snap!,joey,after!! +monica,"come on phoebe, let’s go! come on, it’s time to get serious, huddle up. joey, keep your head in the game.",joey,"it’s hard, yknow, his huddle is closer to dutch girl." +monica,"all right look, if i take chandler out of the running will you be able to focus?",joey,what are you gonna do? +monica,"all right, you just make sure that chandler catches the ball, i’ll take care of the rest.",joey,okay. +monica,break!,joey,here you go! +chandler,"no-no-no-no, the game’s not over, we’re just switching teams.",joey,"yeah, chandler finds me so intimdating that it’s better if we’re on the same team." +chandler,"no ah, hold on a second joe, where do dutch people come from?",joey,"ah well, the ah, pennsylvania dutch, come from pennsylvania." +chandler,"and the other ah, dutch people, they come on from somewhere near the netherlands, right?",joey,nice try. see the netherlands is this make believe place where peter pan and tinker bell come from. +ross,"enough with geography for the insane, okay? let’s play some ball, guys.",joey,"whoa, whoa, no, no, i-i’m not playing with this guy, now." +chandler,yes!!,joey,wait a minute! wait a minute! she obviously didn’t understand the question. +margha,"i now find you shallow and um, a dork. all right, bye.",joey,nice going. you just saved yourself a couple months of sex. +ross,hey! it’s 42-21!,joey,"this sucks, i was just up by that much!" +rachel,"i’m sorry, they were just all coming at me, and i didn’t know what to do.",joey,thirty seconds left on the timer! +phoebe,"umm, this stuffing is amazing. do you think we should bring them some?",joey,"when they’re hungry enough, they’ll come in." +chandler,y’know what? it seems like all of the sudden; so much has happened.,joey,i know. ross is getting married. +chandler,"phoebe is, making people.",joey,everybody’s doing stuff! +chandler,"and we just sit here. i mean if i die the only way people would even know i was here, would be by the ass print on this chair! look, we have to do something. okay? something huge!",joey,we could climb mt. everest! +chandler,"no-no, not something stupid, something huge.",joey,"no-no-no-no-no, i saw an ad for this video, people climb that thing everyday! we could totally do that!" +chandler,"why not?! i mean it’s just, it’s just climbing! it’s just, it’s just steep!",joey,yeah! +phoebe,hey!,joey,hey! +phoebe,what-what’s up?,joey,we’re gonna climb mt. everest! +chandler,"yeah, well…",joey,we could get that everest video though. +chandler,"yeah, we could do that without y’know risking our lives at all!",joey,"and while we’re down at the video store, you know what else we could rent? die hard! oh, y’know what? i just remembered, that everest thing is only available through mail order." +chandler,yeeeeahhhh.,joey,yeah. yeah. +chandler,but i’ll tell you something. one of these days we’re get off of our buts and rent die hard again!,joey,yeah we are! +ross,i do.,joey,its never gonna happen. +rachel,was she good?,joey,don’t answer that. +ross,she was...,joey,awful! horrible! +chandler,she was not good. not good.,joey,she was nothing compared to you. +ross,"she, she was different.",joey,ewwwww! +monica,"ohh, this is soo amazing! i can’t believe my brother’s getting married! and in london! it’s so romantic!",joey,"hey, pretty smart! tissue paper! you’re at the wedding, you have to cry, handkerchief? no-no, i got my invitation." +chandler,hello!,joey,hey! +chandler,noo.,joey,"don’t worry man, i get to bring a guest. we’ll show him." +monica,i never knew that either.,joey,"i knew that! i sooo didn’t know that, but you should see your faces." +rachel,hey guys! what’s up?,joey,heyyy. +ross,"ok, i need to lie down.",joey,"he broke up with julie. well, go hug her, for gods sakes." +mr. geller,it is off. right ross?,joey,lookin good mr. cotter. +chandler,"all right, check it out. check this out. it says here that there’s a place you can go to rent videos of all the museums! it’s almost as good as being there.",joey,it’s better! you can’t go to a museum in your underwear! +chandler,"well, you could, but... probably just the one time.",joey,"i bet we could get videos of all the sites, get a vcr in our hotel room... wed never even have to go outside!" +chandler,"if we do that, we gotta get die hard.",joey,oh-ho! i bet the british version is gooooood! +chandler,are you kidding me?! joey. joey! joey! joey! joey! joey! joey! joey! joey! joey!!,joey,joey. joey. joey. joey! joey!! +monica,he’s in a different room! he’s really that loud?,joey,"oh, you should here me." +chandler,"it’s not something to be proud of, okay? you have to go to a sleep clinic!",joey,"look, i told ya, i’m not going to any clinic! i don’t have a problem, you’re the one with the problem! you should go to a quit being a baby and leave me alone clinic!" +chandler,they don’t have those.,joey,"yeah, they do! quit being a baby and leave me alone! there, you’ve just had your first class!" +monica,"y’know i used to go out with this guy that was a really light sleeper, and whenever i started to snore, he would just roll me over…",joey,"ohhh, yeah!" +chandler,"next time you snore, i’m rolling ya over!",joey,"i gotta do what i gotta do, you gotta do what you gotta do, you just do it." +chandler,"y’know, whipped! wah-pah!",joey,that’s not whipped! whipped is wh-tcssh! +chandler,that’s what i did. wah-pah!,joey,you can’t do anything! +monica,all right.,joey,this sucks! i didn’t know i had to stay up all night before i went to this stupid sleep clinic! i’m so tired! +chandler,it’s 6:00.,joey,"yeah, well…" +chandler,"hey, i hear that you and joshua are going out to dinner with ross and emily, and i think that’s, i think that’s really cool.",joey,"yeah, rach, i think you’re handling that really well." +rachel,nothing.,joey,i am… free! +ross,"yeah! yeah, emily always wanted to get married in this beautiful place that her parents got married, but it’s going to be torn down, so… i mean, i-i know it’s crazy, but everything up ‘til now has been so crazy, and i don’t know, this just feels right. y’know?",joey,hey! that’s the day after i stop menstruating! this isn’t mine. +sleep clinic worker,"your name, please?",joey,joey tribbiani. +chandler,"hey, check out that girl! she is really hot!",joey,"yeah, she is. wow! how you doin’?" +chandler,"what a coincidence, i listen in my sleep.",joey,so why don’t you give me your number? +chandler,"well she’s, she’s the kinda girl—joey was unconscious.",joey,hey you guys! what’s happening? +phoebe,what is that?,joey,"oh, they gave it to me at the sleep clinic, and it’s gonna help me not to snore." +monica,"well, are you asleep right now, joe? ‘cause i don’t think you have to wear it unless you are!",joey,i know i don’t have too! it tastes good. +rachel,"oh, wait, joshua! joshua! yeah, well, that oughta do it.",joey,dude! i am trying to sleep! +rachel,i mean is that woman capable of talking about anything else but sex?,joey,"yeah, sure. well yknow, earlier she was talking about geography." +monica,"joey, she was listing the countries she’s done it in.",joey,"well, i think we all learned something." +phoebe,yknow what that means?,joey,that you’re actually 50? +phoebe,so great! okay! tomorrow we’re gonna drive out to montauk.,joey,"hey, bonnie had sex there!" +monica,well i’d probably be scared of a guy using a fake voice.,joey,hey! +monica,"oh, hey! oh good, you brought food!",joey,"no, it’s just my luggage." +"chandler, monica, and joey",hey!!,joey,woo-hoo! all right! yeah! +chandler,hey!,joey,"hey-hey, check out the hat!" +phoebe,"yeah, no, it was great.",joey,"hey, yknow what a really good rainy day game is?" +monica,what?!,joey,"i mean naked game. strip poker, we should totally play strip poker." +monica,what are you crazy?!,joey,"come on! when you go away, you-you have to play, it’s like a law!" +chandler,bored and bored!,joey,"hey, you know what naked card game is never boring?" +phoebe,"ohh, i think she knows where my dad is.",joey,what? +phoebe,"all right, i’m gonna close my eyes and point to someone, and you, whoever i point has to come up with something fun for us to do, and we have to do it.",joey,"okay, all right." +phoebe,okay.,joey,fan out! fan out! +chandler,"okay, umm, we all have to play strip poker.",joey,oh yes!!!!! +monica,strip happy days game?,joey,"yeah, well, i couldn’t find any cards, so it was either this or strip bag of old knitting stuff." +the girls,woo-hooooo!!!!,joey,"all right, relax. it’s just a shoe." +rachel,"okay, your band is playing at arnold’s, collect three cool points. which means, i have five, and that means i get joey’s boxers!",joey,fine. gang up on me! i got you all right where i want you. +phoebe,"come on, take ‘em off!!",joey,"actually, yknow it’s kinda cold, so how about i keep my boxers on, and give you all a peek at the good stuff?" +bonnie,what are you guys doing?!,joey,we’re playing strip happy days game! +bonnie,all right.,joey,"what’s the matter, pheebs?" +phoebe,she cancelled! my namesake cancelled on me!,joey,what?! +chandler,"noo!! i don’t care! i’m not, i’m not gonna playing one-on-one strip poker with you for practice!",joey,but i made cards!! +joey and chandler,g’night.,joey,wanna play strip poker for practice? +phoebe sr,"yknow i wanted to tell you yesterday, but i just, i kinda felt all floopy, and...",joey,"i’m telling ya, you guys are totally getting back together!" +ross,"hey, it’ll grow back, right? and she-she’s really fun, and she’s cool, and-and i’m finally moving on. yknow? i mean getting over rachel was so , yknow? yknow, and i’m finally feeling sane again. and now if i go up there, and-and i kiss her, and, gooood i wanna kiss her, and-and-and it doesn’t work out, right? do i really wanna put myself through that again?",joey,"so let me get this straight. if you go with bonnie tonight, you’re doing the smart, healthy thing and moving on." +ross,yeah.,joey,"right, and you go with rachel, bonnie’s free tonight?" +chandler,"hi! i’m dorf! you’re date for the evening. oh come on! dorf on dating, that’s good stuff!!",joey,previously on friends. +chandler,oh my god! oh my god!,joey,"yeah. we figured when we couldn’t find you, you’d gone home to make up with rachel. which is probably what you shoulda done. huh?" +ross,"what?! look, we’re trying to rebuild a relationship here, right. how am i supposed to do that here, without being totally honest with each other?",joey,"look, ross look, i’m on board about this totally honesty thing, i am, just not about stuff that’s gonna get you in trouble." +chandler,"he’s right. nobody’s gonna benefit, and you’re just gonna hurt her.",joey,"yeah, and there won’t be a relationship left to rebuild." +ross,"yeah, okay.",joey,"all right, okay, now, we just have to make sure she doesn’t find out some other way. did you think about the trail?" +ross,what trail?,joey,the trail from the woman you did it with to the woman you hope never finds out who did it! you always have to think about the trail! +chandler,"yeah, well i don’t think you can make that statement, unless you’ve been kicked in an area that god only meant to be treated nicely.",joey,"yeah, i-i think that women just have a lower threshold of pain than men, that’s all. i mean, come on, it’s just a little wax." +chandler,"oh, that’s mature.",joey,"okay, fine, so now what, i just pull it off?" +rachel,was she good?,joey,don’t answer that. +ross,she was...,joey,awful! horrible! +chandler,she was not good. not good.,joey,she was nothing compared to you. +ross,"she, she was different.",joey,ewwwww! +rachel,"well, you sure had a hell of a time at the wake!",joey,"yknow what, i don’t think we should listen to this anymore." +monica,"what, what are you doing? you can’t go out there.",joey,why not?! i’m hungry. +chandler,"yknow what, i think we can go out there. i mean they have more important things to worry about.",joey,"yeah, we’ll be fine." +ross,"order a pizza like, ‘i forgive you?’",joey,"oh man, pizza? i like pizza. put olives on the pizza." +monica,what if they don’t?,joey,you think i need a new walk? +chandler,what?,joey,"well yknow, i’ve been walking the same way since high school. yknow, yknow how some guys they walk into a room and everybody takes notice. i think i need a ‘take notice’ walk." +ross,"what, now you’re not even taking to me? look rachel, i-i’m sorry, okay, i’m sorry, i was out of my mind. i thought i’d lost you, i didn’t know what to do. come on! come on, how insane must i have been to do something like this? huh? i-i don’t cheat right, i, that’s not me, i’m not joey!",joey,"whoa-ho-ho! yeah, okay." +phoebe,they’ve been quiet for a long time.,joey,maybe she killed him? +chandler,is that your new walk?,joey,"no, i really have to pee." +ross,"because i am bored...out of my mind. i’ve already been to the bank, post office, and the dry cleaners.",joey,"dude, you just described seven days worth of stuff. you’ve got to spread it out a little, you know. haven’t you ever been unemployed?" +ross,"hey, i am not unemployed. i’m on sabbatical!",joey,"hey, don’t get religious on me, ok. a guy in your position needs to be a little better at relaxing. you know. why do you think we have the comfortable chairs? huh...come here…sit down. ready? ahh!! ohh, yeah!! huh?!" +chandler,"alright, whoever this is, stop calling me! it’s been six months! it’s not funny!",joey,"but, i love you." +rachel,okay. what the hell was that? you know what? don’t answer me. i have a date with danny.,joey,how could i not get the part? the play was about a 29-year-old italian actor from queens. +phoebe,"oh, im going to give him something else besides joy, just…",joey,that part was perfect for me! i cant believe i didnt get it! +ross,"im sorry, man. hey, yknow what you should do? you should make something happen for yourself. yknow, like-like write a play. write a movie! huh? i mean, what about those good will hunting guys?",joey,"come on ross be realistic, yknow? if i did write something, what are the chances i could get those guys to star in it?" +ross,or that.,joey,"i cant write! yknow i mean i-i-im an actor, i dont have the discipline that takes, yknow? i cant do it." +ross,"ill help you. yeah, ill make up a schedule and make sure you stick to it. and plus, itll give me something to do.",joey,really? youd-youd do that for me?! +ross,yeah!,joey,thanks! +ross,"all right, well start off slow. the only thing you have to do tonight is come up with the name of your main character.",joey,done! +ross,and it cant be joey.,joey,its not. +ross,or joseph.,joey,oh. +monica,"come on, hurry!",joey,"hey, how do you spell suspicious?" +chandler,why?,joey,because i think this character is going to be suspicious about stuff. +chandler,"yes! chandler bing, 7! chandler bing, 0.",joey,youre driving me crazy with that! +chandler,"okay, ill stop.",joey,don’t stop! move the bowl further away! ross could make that shot! +chandler,you wanna play?,joey,"chandler, i cant be playing games, ross is gonna be home soon. and i have to write five whole pages if im gonna stick to his schedule." +chandler,"well, so, play for the next 30 minutes and then write until he gets home.",joey,"all right! but uh, listen, what do you say we crank it up a notch?" +chandler,im intrigued.,joey,"all right, all we need is a little lighter fluid." +chandler,"okay, but be careful okay, because i wanna get our security deposit back.",joey,"yeah, i think we said good-bye to that when we invented hammer darts." +chandler,do you even remember which part of the wall is not spackle?,joey,"uh yeah, right here." +ross,"all right. a room. a man enters, he looks suspicious. thats it? joey, youre supposed to have five pages done by now! including an exciting incident! and what is, and what is all this?! the official rulebook of fireball.",joey,"yeah, thats the uh, game we were playing." +ross,this is helping your career?! huh? i thought you wanted to be an actor not the creator of crazy lawsuit game!,joey,"youre right, youre right, ill get back to work." +ross,"and shame on you! you should know better, joey needs to work. now come on!",joey,hey! +ross,joeys not going.,joey,i didnt finish my five pages. +ross,because tomorrow hes redoing yesterdays pages.,joey,yesterdays pages did not reflect my best work. +ross,"i think hes been relaxing enough, thanks to you and fireball.",joey,"dude, if you think fireballs relaxing, youve obviously have never played." +ross,i am not unemployed. im on sabbatical!,joey,"come on look guys, dont fight." +ross,if it does? then youre an amazing friend of mine.,joey,"hey-hey guys, hey! how about we settle this over a friendly game of fireball? huh? ill go unhook the smoke detectors!" +danny,…so we finally get to the top of the mountain and airhead here forgets the camera!,joey,"oh, yknow the same thing happened to me one time." +chandler,when did that happen to you?!,joey,dont you remember when we were jogging in the park and we saw that really pretty bird and wanted to take a picture—i didnt have my camera! +rachel,"okay, see? i told you!",joey,"yeah, wow, sorry rach." +chandler,i dont believe theyre brother and sister.,joey,theyre brother and sister!!! +ross,"hey, if they have a ball maybe you can stick razor blades in it and teach them a new game, gonna need stitches ball.",joey,hey guys! i was at the library all morning and i already finished my five pages for today! +chandler,"great! now, we can go to the ranger game! last night!",joey,"no dude, ross tore up the tickets!" +chandler,yeah or also when you dont have somebody breathing down your neck all the live long day!!,joey,"yeah, well, thats fine, but the important thing is that i finished it. and uh, i think its really good, but yknow itd really help me is if i could hear it. so would you guys read it for me?" +ross,all right.,joey,okay. its a typical new york city apartment. two guys are hanging out. ross +chandler,im sorry too.,joey,"oh no! no-no, keep reading! the good parts coming up. keep going." +chandler,"i am sorry, ross.",joey,"a handsome man enters. hey! hows it going guys? i dont know what you two were talking about, but id like to say thanks to both of you. you, you wouldnt let me give up on myself, and you well you co-created fireball. the end." +chandler,this took you all day?!,joey,"no-no, this only took five minutes. i spent the rest of the day coming up with new, ultimate fireball. ha-ha! ending credits" +rachel,im not reading this!,joey,what?! wait-wait-wait! the handsome man was about to enter!! +phoebe,hey! check it out! this is unbelievable! joey has been holding his breath for almost four minutes!,joey,dude! what are yo—you trying to kill me?! +phoebe,"yes, denise. denise!",joey,"hey, what is with the secrecy phoebe? huh? and what about this denise, is she cute?" +phoebe,maybe because you never listen to anything that i say. i talk about her all the time! denise!!!!!,joey,"hey rach, listen i was thinkin’ uh, i’m gonna have an extra room over at my place…" +rachel,"oh, that’s true.",joey,"yeah, why don’t you move in with me? it’ll be great! we could stay up late, watch movies, and you know about naked thursday’s right?" +phoebe,"okay, i didn’t understand that, but y’know, maybe that’s ‘cause you were speaking the secret language of love!",joey,"hey! dude, some guy just called for you." +chandler,who was it?,joey,"i don’t know! how about, thanks for taking the message. jeez!" +chandler,"no, i’m not mocking you, or you beautiful guest room.",joey,"hey, what’s up?" +chandler,"nothing, monica and i had a stupid fight.",joey,"but you’re still moving in together, right? because my ad came out today." +chandler,"wanted. female roommate, non-smoker, non-ugly. nice!",joey,"yeah? i just figured y’know, after living with you it’d be an interesting change of pace to have a female roommate, y’know? someone i can learn from, someone-someone who’s different than me. and what’s more different than me; a guy who’s not 19 than say a girl who is 19? enh? not just a hat rack my friend!" +chandler,all right! that’s fine! that’s fine! i won’t bring over the chairs! i won’t bring anything over! i wouldn’t want to ruin the ambiance over here at grandma’s place!!,joey,"everything on your application looks really good—ohh! just one last question umm, are you and your friends gonna be over here all the time like partying and hanging out?" +the potential roommate,"oh don’t worry, i’m not really a party girl.",joey,"whoa!! now look, don’t be just blurtin’ stuff out. i want you to really think about your answers. okay?" +chandler,you can call off the roommate search! hi! i’ll be living here.,joey,"oh don’t listen to him, he’s just some guy who really wants the apartment, but i don’t think he’s gonna get it." +chandler,why did you take the shower curtain down?,joey,that thing was a hazard! i’m very safety conscious. +ross,"yeah, i’m-i’m sure. yeah, get out of here before i change my mind.",joey,"umm, listen, ross do you really think this moving in with rachel is a good idea?" +ross,i’ve been back and forth.,joey,"yeah well, maybe you should go back! okay? rachel moves in, and before you know it you’re right where you don’t want to be! back together!" +ross,"ehh, i don’t, i don’t think so. she’s already talked about y’know, dating other guys.",joey,"that’s not gonna work out! then she’s gonna come home all weepy and you’ll be tellin’ her, oh that’s okay. you’ll find someone. and then, bamn! she finds you!" +ross,"yeah, well, m-maybe you’re right.",joey,"i am telling you ross, she is definitely gonna fall in love with you again! now, is that what you want?" +phoebe,yes.,joey,"here she comes. hold on, i’m gonna make your life much easier." +rachel,"all right, well the place was closed. i’ll just copy it later.",joey,"or not. uh, rach, why don’t you just move in with me?" +ross,"whoa! whoa! whoa, joey!",joey,"no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no… it’s okay, i mean i—look rach, i know i scared you off with that whole naked thursday’s thing, but we don’t have to do that!" +rachel,"well, it would be easier to move just right across the hall. wait a minute, unless you’re thinking about naked wednesday’s.",joey,"thursday’s clearly not good for ya, pick a day!" +the potential roommate,hi!,joey,"come in. thanks for comin’ back, umm, okay there have been a lot of people interested in the room, but i have narrowed it down and you are one of the finalists!" +the potential roommate,great!,joey,"okay now, before i make my final decision i uh, i just want to make sure our personalities match. okay, so i made up a little test. now, i’m gonna say a word and then you say the first thing that comes to mind." +the potential roommate,i can do that.,joey,okay! here we go. pillow. +the potential roommate,fight.,joey,very good! okay. g. +the potential roommate,string?,joey,"excellent! okay umm, doggy." +the potential roommate,kitten?,joey,"ooh, sorry! no-no-no, so close though, but—bye-bye!" +chandler,"well, its not like i went to spain. i went to the bathroom, you knew i was coming back.",joey,"well, actually the last place you were sitting was in there . soo..." +richard,"hi, this is richard. please, leave a message at the tone.",joey,"wow, what a cool job. you have two new messages. please, pass the pie." +chandler,"all right, you will notice that i am fully dressed. i, in turn, have noticed that you are not. so in the words of a. a. milne, get out of my chair, dillhole!",joey,"you said i had to give you the chair, you didnt say anything about the cushions." +chandler,is it wrong that i was totally aroused by that?,joey,"okay, buddy-boy. here it is. you hide my clothes, im wearing everything you own." +rachel,i got a really incredible job offer.,joey,"hey, great! all right!" +rachel,its in paris.,joey,"what? no, no, no! no, no... no... no, no... no, too much is changing, okay? first, phoebe getting married congratulations! ... and then these two move into a stupid house in the stupid suburbs..." +monica,"hey, this afternoon you said youd be supportive...",joey,"well, it comes and goes. i wouldnt trust it." +phoebe,of course we can. congratulations. yay! joey...,joey,"no, no, no. my hugs are reserved for people staying in america." +rachel,"joey, it would mean so...",joey,hey! no! get your france-going-arms away from me. +ross,he’ll be fine.,joey,hey phoebe. +phoebe,hey. everything ok?,joey,i’m just mad at my agent. +phoebe,estelle? why?,joey,there’s a part in a tv movie that i would be perfect for and i didn’t even be put up for it! she’d better have a good reason. +phoebe,i’m guessing she does.,joey,"well i’m wanna hear it, because she keeps doing this." +phoebe,"well, no, no, wait, wait, wait. all right, i gotta go. just listen. promise me, that you will wait a minute before you call her.",joey,ok. why? +phoebe,because a promise between friends means never having to give a reason.,joey,i love that saying! . +phoebe-estelle,"it’s a little coincidental, but believable. . listen, i’m sure you’re wondering why i didn’t get you an audition for that tv movie.",joey,"yeah, actually i am!" +phoebe-estelle,i guess i dropped the ball there. whoopsie!,joey,"that’s it? you know, it seems all you do lately is drop the ball." +phoebe-estelle,"don’t take that tone with me. who you think you are? alan lemond, the first black man to fly solo across the atlantic?",joey,"no, no, look. all i’m saying is that you’re my agent, ok? and you’re not getting me into any auditions and i’m tired of it." +phoebe-estelle,what are you saying?,joey,"i’m saying that… . this isnt working for me anymore, ok? estelle, you’re fired. goodbye. ." +phoebe,"hey joey, want come with me to… are you ok?",joey,"yeah, i just… i just feel bad about firing estelle. this is got to be killing her." +phoebe,"no, that wouldn’t kill her. ordinary embolism might.",joey,"i don’t know. she’s got to be taking it hard, i was like her only client. except for this guy who eats paper. and i’m guessing he eats more money than he makes. look, i know she’s not a great agent, but she did stick with me for ten years. i’m gonna call her and hire her again." +phoebe,"no, no, no! dont call her! you wait for her to call you",joey,why? +phoebe,because patience is the road to understanding which ... is the key... to a happy heart.,joey,you blow me away. +phoebe,"all right, so promise youre gonna wait for her to call you?",joey,"i promise. and that means, never having to give a reason." +answering machine,"joey, this is al t. booker, the guy who eats paper. im sure youve heard that estelle passed away. i wanted to let you know theres a memorial for her at the westside chapel, tomorrow at ten. hope you can make it.",joey,oh my god. hello? +phoebe,"joey, its estelle.",joey,estelle? +phoebe,"yeah, i wanted to call and tell you that theres no hard feelings for firing me.",joey,"ok-ay. i just, i cant believe youre calling me?" +phoebe,"well, i didnt think i should just drop by...",joey,"no, no, no! dont drop by, dont drop by!" +phoebe,"anyway, you did what you had to do. im okay.",joey,"can i ask you something? uhm, whats it like there?" +phoebe,"its alright. look kiddo, i gotta go. good luck with the career. youre gonna be huge.",joey,"thanks for everything estelle. bye. out of area. boy, ill say." +ross,then im happy too.,joey,"thank you all for coming. were here today to pay respects to a wonderful agent and a beautiful woman... ..inside. as estelles only two clients we would like to say a few words. dude, wheres my speech? that is entertaining. al zebooker everybody. the end" +ross,this is so cool. youre actually gonna be on television.,joey,"it really hit me last night. im gonna be on days of our lives. and then i started thinkin about all of u, and how these are the days of our lives.." +ross,would it matter?,joey,are you really not going? +ross,"look, that has nothing to do with this, ok? shes my ex-wife. if she were marrying a guy, none of youd expect me to be there.",joey,"hey, if she were marrying a guy, shed be like the worst lesbian ever." +chandler,"whoa, shes pretty.",joey,"yeah, and shes really nice too. she taught me all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting." +monica,what?,joey,"its like, you got so many lines to learn so fast, that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one. so while youre thinkin of it, you take this big pause where you look all intense, you know, like this." +mrs. wallace,is she gonna be all right?,joey,im afraid the situation is much worse than we expected. your sister is suffering from a..subcranial hematoma. perhaps we can discuss this over coffee. +ross,that is so good! do it again!,joey,"all right, all right. damnit braverman, its right there on the chart!" +rachel,oh god.,joey,i cant believe youre so uptight about your mom comin. +rachel,"i know, but its just its the first time, and i just dont want her to think that because i didnt marry barry, that my life is total crap, you know?",joey,"uh, pheebs, how long do you think this ladyll be with us?" +phoebe,"i know who it is you remind me of. evelyn dermer. course, thats before she got the lousy face lift. now she looks like soupy sales.",joey,"pheebs, whos evelyn dermer?" +rachel,none.,joey,they didnt fight a lot? +rachel,"no! they didnt even talk to each other. god, how was i supposed to know they were having problems?",joey,"hey, look whos up." +monica,"joey, speed it up!",joey,"im sorry, its the pigs. theyre reluctant to get in the blankets!" +monica,"you heard the woman. peel, chop, devil! i cant believe i lost 2 minutes.",joey,"it just seems so futile, you know ? all these women, and nothing. i feel like superman without my powers, you know? i have the cape, and yet i cannot fly." +monica,that’s right. get it out of your system while we’re alone.,joey,hey! +rachel,and i also wanted you guys to know that i am telling the father today. what? what? what?,joey,we know its ross! +phoebe,me too!,joey,i’m gonna be an uncle! come here! +rachel,well i was gonna tell him that i’m-i’m gonna have the baby and he can be as involved as he wants.,joey,"well that, that sounds good." +phoebe,"yeah, bye.",joey,bye. +chandler,what?! i am an excellent secret keeper. i have kept all of our secrets.,joey,what secrets? +chandler,"oh no-no joey, i am not going to tell you because i am an excellent secret keeper.",joey,you’ll tell me later? +phoebe,"oh, its so romantic to send people off on their honeymoon.",joey,"y’know, monica and chandler are married. ross and rachel are having a baby. maybe you and i should do something." +phoebe,all in good time my love. all in good time. oh shoot! i left my guitar in their apartment. well you can let me in later.,joey,"i don’t have a key, they took mine to give to you." +phoebe,what?! they took mine to give to you!,joey,why would they take away our keys? +phoebe,maybe they don’t trust us.,joey,no that’s not it. they let me keep my key the last time they were out of town. +phoebe,you mean the time you broke the ketchup bottle and cleaned it up with monica’s guest towels?,joey,"hey, i washed those!" +phoebe,no you didn’t.,joey,yeah that didn’t sound like me. +phoebe,"well, what am i gonna do? i really need my guitar!",joey,"yeah, i have stuff in there too." +phoebe,what stuff?,joey,"monica’s chicken parm! i’ll take care of it. hey mr. treeger, it’s joey tribbiani. listen, i need to get into monica and chandler’s apartment. it’s an emergency. uhh, gas leak! yeah oh, and bring garlic bread." +phoebe,"well, she really wanted to talk to you now.",joey,"yeah, it seemed pretty important." +ross,i think i might know what this is about.,joey,really? +ross,"well, we-we said we’d just do it that one time but, but now i think she may wanna start things up again.",joey,"yeah, i don’t think that’s what it is." +ross,why? what-what else could it be?,joey,"oh wow, i don’t feel well." +phoebe,maybe it’s something you ate?,joey,"please, just-just, just go and talk to rachel." +chandler,"25j and k, any chance those aren’t together?",joey,i still can’t believe they took away my key. you trust me with yours. +phoebe,of course i do! and i’m gonna give it back to you as soon as they’re done with it at the key shining place.,joey,"what the hell is that? (they go into the hallway and see mr. treeger watching one of new york’s bravest joey: whoa! whoa! whoa! treeger, what are you doing?" +mr. treeger,i’ve looked everywhere. there’s no gas leak.,joey,huh. so then i can heat this up? +ross,oh my god! what happened to the door?!,joey,so it’s noticeable huh? +ross,"yeah but uh… okay, okay look you guys know that rachel and i slept together, but there’s something else. rachel’s pregnant.",joey,oh my god!!! i can’t believe that!! +phoebe,a little bit.,joey,how are you doing? +ross,okay. okay. i mean i’ll be okay. it’s just i don’t think i handled it very well.,joey,"well, what did you say to her?" +ross,"but hey, in my defense i-i just found out condoms are like only 97% effective.",joey,what? +ross,i gotta go find her.,joey,whoa! hey! whoa!! hold up! are you serious?! so like 3% of the time they don’t even work?! huh? they should put that on the box! +ross,evidently they do.,joey,what?! +chandler,we need the stuff.,joey,"hey monica it’s joey. listen uh, phoebe and i smell gas comin’ from your apartment." +chandler,what else is new?,joey,"yeah and we’d go check it out, but you took away our keys." +monica,well do something! get in there!,joey,how? i guess i could break down your door. +monica,yeah! do that!,joey,and-and you won’t blame us for any damage? +monica,no! are you doing it?! i don’t hear anything! come on!,joey,"uh, okay i’ll-i’ll-i’ll break it down." +rachel,hi.,joey,hey! +phoebe,oh.,joey,i don’t see the baby. where is it? +chandler,you!,joey,it’s the chick! she’s…going through some changes. +monica,"oh, good luck.",joey,good luck. and i’m still right! +rachel,what?,joey,she’s mad because i know today’s her laundry day and that means she’s wearing her old lady underpants. +chandler,well… we-we do. you can only eat tic tacks in even numbers.,joey,"yeah, what’s that about?" +monica,yeah.,joey,"oh yeah? ross, how many items left in that bag?" +rachel,how many guesses do you get?,joey,six. +ross,challenge excepted.,joey,"all right, we’ll start with…apples." +chandler,yes!,joey,"okay. uhh, tortilla chips, yogurt." +rachel,"okay, well, we won that one.",joey,"okay, the last thing…" +chandler,"oh-oh, oh, oh-oh!",joey,"no-no, not for like another two weeks." +monica,yeah! and the winner gets a hundred bucks.,joey,serious? +monica,are you scared?,joey,"no! all right, who-who makes up the questions?" +monica,"you guys! do you realize that any minute now, phoebe can be pregnant?",joey,huh. +rachel,"i know! i know, it’s such a huge, life-altering thing.",joey,i know. +ross,what is monica’s biggest pet peeve?,joey,animals dressed as humans. +ross,that is correct.,joey,the irish gig guy?! +ross,"gentlemen, you’re pick.",joey,it’s all relative. +ross,"monica and i have a grandmother who died, you both went to her funeral, name that grandmother!",joey,nana? +chandler,she has a real name.,joey,althea! +chandler,althea?! what are you doing?!,joey,i took a shot. +rachel,oooohh that’s interesting.,joey,"hey, no way, that rooster’s family!" +rachel,throw in the duck too!,joey,what do you have against the duck?! he doesn’t make any noise! +rachel,"well, he gets the other one all riled up.",joey,"look, we are not gonna…" +chandler,"all right, hold on! if you win, we give up the birds.",joey,dah!! +chandler,"but if we win, we get your apartment.",joey,oooooh! +ross,"all right, gentlemen, you’re up first.",joey,okay. +ross,you have 30 seconds. and the lightning round begins—stop it —now. what was monica’s nickname when she was a field hockey goalie?,joey,big fat goalie. +ross,correct. her actual favorite movie is...,joey,weekend at bernie’s. +ross,"eww! no!! her ear! all right, monica categorizes her towels. how many categories are there?",joey,everyday use. +chandler,fancy.,joey,guest. +ross,two seconds…,joey,"uhh, 11!" +chandler and joey,yeah!!! yes!!!,joey,i call monica’s room! +chandler,you can’t just call monica’s room.,joey,"sure i can, standard shotgun rules, i’m sight of the room and i called it." +monica,"man, i feel like i’m coming down with something.",joey,what? +chandler,hey!,joey,"hey—ooh pheebs, are they in there?" +phoebe,"all right, i’m gonna go take a pregnancy test, right now.",joey,oh wow! you can tell this soon. +rachel,well i-i-i’m not moving.,joey,what?! +rachel,"no, it was a stupid bet! we were just playing a game!",joey,"you can’t just ignore the bet! it’s a bet! you bet and you bet and if you lose, you lose the bet!" +rachel,"y’know what, you are mean boys, who are just being mean!",joey,"hey, don’t get mad at us! no one forced you to raise the stakes!" +rachel,will you stop calling it your apartment!,joey,but it is our apartment! +chandler,what?! what-what is it?!,joey,did you see the size of the closets?! +chandler,ye-e-es!!,joey,hey. +all,hey.,joey,"uh, listen i gotta double check for tickets tonight. who-who got what?" +monica,i need two. i’m bringing pete. my boyfriend. i have a boyfriend now!,joey,"two it is. ross, how about you?" +rachel,"no. no, not at all, not at all. i actually was gonna bring someone myself, so…",joey,but you said one. +rachel,"i meant, me plus one!",joey,"okay. did ah, you guys mean you plus one?" +ross,"all right, i’ll see you tonight.",joey,okay. +rachel,"okay, i need a date!",joey,"oh, hey, you guys are finally gonna get to meet kate!" +all,oh!,joey,"and i ah, borrowed some of your cologne. i hope she likes it." +chandler,"yeah, and i don’t have any cologne.",joey,the green bottle next to the shaving cream. +monica,there’s our star!,joey,"so, so, what’d ya think?" +chandler,almost as good as that play with the two naked girls on the see-saw.,joey,i-i wasn’t in that. +chandler,i know.,joey,"oh-oh, hey-hey, kate! listen i want you to meet everybody. everybody, this is kate." +chandler,so that’s the girl you like.,joey,yeah. +chandler,"wait a minute, wait a minute, you don’t like the guy rachel’s dating? well, that’s odd.",joey,"oh, hey, lauren. uh, you guys this is, this is kate’s understudy, lauren." +estelle,"joey, sweetheart, you were fabulous!",joey,"hey you guys, this is my agent, estelle." +estelle,"how do you do. ooh, you two girls were outstanding! did they have representation?",joey,"no, they-they weren’t in the play." +the director,"here we go people! boxing day! the lucille lortel theatre, blah-la-la-la… ah-ha! joey tribianni, gives an uneven performance, but mr. tribianni is not the worst thing in this production.",joey,yes!!! ha-ha-ha! +the director,"kate miller’s awkward and mannered portrayal is laughable. badda-badda-badda. ah-ha! here it is! the direction by marshal talmant is… thank you, boys and girls, you’ve ruined my life. please, stuff your talentless faces with my mother’s crab cakes! excuse me!!",joey,anyone mind if i save this? +phoebe,"oh, okay, yeah. i put your stuff in her room, and her stuff in your room.",joey,hey! are you okay? +kate,fabulous.,joey,"listen, drama critics they’re nothing but, but people who couldn’t make it as actors. you know what you should do?" +kate,"by the way, he dumped me tonight after he read my review.",joey,"oh, classy." +kate,"yep! i sure know how to pick ‘em, huh? yknow i gave up a part on a soap for this!",joey,"wow! yeah i ah, i gave up a job too." +kate,really. what?,joey,"uh, de-clawing cats. hey, tell ya what. let me walk you home. we’ll stop by every news stand and burn every copy of their times and the post." +kate,why the post?,joey,"oh, you didn’t see the post?" +kate,no. you?,joey,no. why? +kate,so you really think those newspapers are just jealous of me?,joey,"oh, absolutely! you’re talented and you’re good looking." +kate,"oh, you’re sweet and cute.",joey,i know! that’s why they trashed me! +kate,what?,joey,"i, i don’t get you. i mean first, you hate me. then you sleep with me. then you want nothing to do with me, now you want me again." +kate,what? so you never went out with an actress before?,joey,"kate, do you even like me?" +kate,of course i do.,joey,"well so, how come you blew me off? yknow? how come you were with him?" +kate,"i don’t know! i just, just do this! i-i always have to pick the like the smartest guy, or-or the most talented guy… why can’t i just pick someone like you?",joey,thanks. +kate,"you know what i mean. i mean like the sweetest guy. joey, you’re just so, you’re so, so…",joey,"okay. okay, okay, hey. there we go, let’s get your feet up there. good night, kate. sweet dreams. i’m gonna put this can right here in case you have to hurl." +phoebe,"no, no, i’m fine, and y’know why? ‘cause of all the riboflavin.",joey,hey! +monica,hey! didn’t you have that outfit on last night?,joey,"yeah! i stayed at kate’s, but ah, nothing happened. hey, pheebs, where were ya?" +monica,"anyway, how did it go with kate?",joey,"oh, it was great! yeah, i-i walked her home, and it was amazing how much we connected, yknow? then ah, then she passed out, but then she woke up. yeah? and we stayed up all night talking, and now we’re like totally crazy about each other!" +monica,"joey, you had the night!",joey,what? +monica,"when two people finally realise their feelings for each other, and-and they talk for hours, and they-they learn all about the other person!",joey,you-you think? +monica,did you like learn about her family?,joey,"two brothers, one died!" +monica,yes!!,joey,yeah?! +chandler,"ohh, that’s a good one.",joey,"sorry! sorry, i’m late; sorry, i’m late! my duck and my chick and a fight, it-it was ugly." +lauren,"vic! where have you been, baby?!",joey,where’s kate? +lauren,she got a job in l.a.,joey,what?! +lauren,i’ve been waiting up all night for ya. where have you been? where have you been? vic?!,joey,"oh, ahh, go to the window. i’m wanna run down to the truck and show you something." +lauren,"what do you got down there, vic? what do you got under that tarp?",joey,when is she leaving? +lauren,tonight. what are you doing?,joey,i’m coming up! +kate,joey!,joey,hey! +kate,"i’m soo glad i caught you, i couldn’t find you before.",joey,wh-wh-what’s going on? wh-what’s this about l.a.? +kate,they still want me for general hospital.,joey,"but, but wh-what about us?" +kate,last night was wonderful. but i-i can’t stay here just for you.,joey,"well, so, stay for the museums!" +stage manager,"joey, onstage!",joey,"well can you at least stay to the end of the play? i mean, i’ll go to the airport with ya, i-i wanna say good bye." +lauren,vic! vic! vic!!!,joey,in a minute!! +lauren,so this is it? victor?,joey,"yeah, i guess it is. listen, i ah, i gotta say good bye, and-and i gotta say it quick ‘cause this is killing me. one thing you gotta know, is that i will never forget you. but, you’ve got things you have to do now, and so do i. and so… i’m gonna get on this spaceship, and i’m gonna go to blargon 7 in search of alternative fuels. but when i return, 200 years from now, you’ll be long gone. but i won’t have aged at all. so you tell your great-great-granddaughter to look me up, because adrienne, baby, i’m gonna want to meet her." +lisa kudrow,previously on friends,joey,"there’s this woman, that i like. a lot. well, it’s complicated. she’s with this other guy. for a long time. and i could never do that to the guy, y’know? ’ccause we’re really good friends." +ross,"okay, joey, you know what? you have to go for it. how often does this happen to you, huh? you owe it to yourself.",joey,it’s rachel. +ross,"did you um—i’m sorry, did you just say it’s rachel?",joey,yes. +ross,"um, you…you like rachel?",joey,yes. i like rachel. +ross,rachel?!,joey,"yeah, okay but look, buy uh—hey-hey, y’know, y’know who else i like? you! and it-it doesn’t get said enough. i like you ross." +ross,but r-r-rachel-rachel?!,joey,"yeah, but it’s not a big deal." +ross,"it’s not a big deal? oh, i’m sorry i just…um, i…what about all the stuff you-you just said? i mean how about, i like—you-you can’t stop thinking about her. like how you can’t sleep?",joey,"i’m an actor, y’know? as-as a group, we tend to be over dramatic." +ross,rachel who’s carrying my baby? rachel?,joey,"look no, i-i know it’s bad, and i know it’s wrong. okay? but-but it’s not like anything’s ever gonna happen. y’know? these-these are just feelings, they’re gonna go away." +ross,y’know what? i-i gotta go.,joey,oh come on ross! hey ross-ross don’t… +phoebe,"don’t worry, we’ll find you someone else.",joey,hey. +ross,hey.,joey,"look, i understand if you came by to hit me, i deserve it." +ross,"no, i don’t want to hit you.",joey,oh what then? kick me? +ross,no.,joey,bite me? +ross,"no, no i don’t want to do anything to you. all right? i just want to tell you that i’m not mad at you and…and that i certainly do not hate you. i just, i just came here to say that.",joey,oh now—hey ross-ross! do you wanna-wanna come in for a beer or something? +ross,uh…yeah sure.,joey,"do uh, do you got any beer? all-all i got is this melon stuff that rachel left. i don’t…" +ross,okay.,joey,"hey look ross, you need to understand something okay? i uh…i am never gonna act on this rachel thing, okay? i-i would never do anything to jeopardize my friendship with you." +ross,thank you.,joey,"anyway, it uh…look it’ll just…take me a while to get over her, that’s all. i’m not even sure how to do that, i mean i’ve never been in love before so…" +ross,what?! you’re in love with her.,joey,"yeah, i thought you knew that." +ross,"umm, no.",joey,"wow. hey look, if it helps, i don’t want to feel this way. honest. i just keep thinking, ah, i’ll get over this. y’know? i just—it just keeps gettin’ harder. i don’t, i don’t know what to do. y’know? what do i do?" +ross,i think you need to tell her how you feel.,joey,okay that’s the green stuff talkin’. +ross,"no, i’m serious. you-you need to find out where she is, because if she’s not where you are, then you can start to move past this.",joey,but what if uh—and i’m not saying she will be—but… +ross,if she is where you are then uh…then my feeling weird about it shouldn’t stand in the way.,joey,are you sure? +ross,"yeah. look if-if she’s gonna end up with somebody else, the truth is she couldn’t find a better guy. so…",joey,hey thanks. +ross,so when do you think you’re gonna talk to her?,joey,oh my god i have to tell her! i haven’t even thought about what i will say. what should i say? +ross,"i’m understanding, but let’s not get carried away.",joey,"i’m sorry, you’re right. what am i gonna say? oh!" +phoebe,"i don’t know, they both want to live in a house of cheese! i don’t know how you fight that.",joey,"okay. okay, i can do this. i can tell her how i feel. just uh, just stand up straight. take a couple deep breaths. look confident." +rachel,joey? what’s up?,joey,"i uh, i just came by because i-i want to talk to you about something." +rachel,okay what’s up?,joey,here? in the hall? what are we animals? +rachel,"well honey, i’m late for a meeting. so can you just make it quick?",joey,"okay umm, i just came by to tell you that i…want to have dinner with you tonight. that’s all." +rachel,sure! that sounds great! just leave me a message and tell me where to meet you. okay?,joey,"okay. that’s good. okay, that give you a couple hours to prepare what you’re gonna say. good. yeah. don’t you people ever knock?!" +rachel,…and i know chandler is kidding but it happens every time he touches my stomach. i mean i’m really worried the baby’s not going to like him. are you okay?,joey,"what? yeah! sure! uh, look at the uh, the reason…—is it hot in here?" +rachel,"no. not-not for me, but why don’t you take off your sweater?",joey,"i would, but this is a nice place and my t-shirt has a picture of calvin doing hobbs." +rachel,oh my god! really?! can i see it?,joey,yeah. sure. +rachel,"huh. wow, i wouldn’t think hobbs would like that so much.",joey,uh… how long have we known each other? +rachel,"um, seven…e-e-eight, eight years. wow.",joey,"uh-huh, long time." +rachel,yeah.,joey,but over the past few weeks… +waiter,"hah, sorry about the wait, but it is mega-jammed in here! we have a couple specials tonight…",joey,"actually uh, could you give us a second?" +rachel,so you were saying?,joey,i’m not quite sure. +rachel,"okay, well you had asked me how long we had known each other, and i said, eight years. and the um, waiter came over and cut his tip in half, and umm…now here we are.",joey,"yeah, here we are. uhh… i… i think i’m…falling in love with you." +rachel,what?,joey,i’m falling in love with you. +rachel,"who are you talking too? oh, you’re kidding! oh, it’s a joke! it’s funny. it’s funny. i don’t get it. oh. okay. umm… i-i…uh, wow. are you uh… how did umm… when?",joey,does it really matter? +rachel,"wow! wow. wow. wow, it is hot in here.",joey,"okay look rach, i know this is a lot. you don’t have to say anything. you-you uh, you take as much time as you need. okay, you gotta say something!" +rachel,"joey, joey i love you so much, but i…",joey,but. +rachel,joey.,joey,"yeah-yeah right. that’s okay. that’s fine. that’s uh, pretty much what i was expecting. so uh, it’s no big deal. all right? i think i’m gonna go." +rachel,"no! joey please! please don’t! please don’t leave like this! now come on, you cannot do this to a pregnant woman!",joey,"don’t start doing that. you can’t do that rach, ‘cause then you’re gonna make me do that. oh, here we go!" +rachel,can i?,joey,sure! +rachel,oh joey honey i don’t…i don’t want to lose…,joey,"hey-hey-hey, hey! you can’t. okay? ever!" +rachel,i’m so sorry.,joey,"oh no-no rach, please, don’t be sorry. okay? don’t be sorry. y’know i was only kidding you." +waiter,i don’t know. i think maybe one of them is dying. i kinda hope it’s the girl. the guy is really cute!,joey,"hey rach listen, did you know that during pregnancy your fingers swell up to twice their size and never go back." +rachel,oh my…god! let me see that!,joey,you fall for it every time! +monica,"oh, and by the way, he’s lost a bunch of weight. i mean he looks goo-ood! okay, i mean really, really gorgeous! i still love chandler.",joey,i just want you to say it once in a while. +monica,"all right okay, just so you know, i’m not gonna make a turkey this year.",joey,what?! +monica,well phoebe doesn’t eat turkey…,joey,phoebe! +phoebe,"turkey’s are beautiful, intelligent animals!",joey,no they’re not! they’re ugly and stupid and delicious! +monica,"all right! okay, it’s just phoebe. will’s still on a diet, chandler doesn’t eat thanksgiving food, and rachel’s having her aversion to poultry.",joey,she is? +rachel,remember i had to leave the room the other day when you had that roast chicken?,joey,yeah. but i thought that was because i put the whole thing on my hand and made it walk across the table. +monica,"anyway, it just doesn’t seem worth it to make a whole turkey for just three people. okay? it’s a lot of work.",joey,"but you gotta have turkey on thanksgiving! i mean, thanksgiving with no turkey is like-like fourth of july with no apple pie! or friday with no two pizzas!" +monica,all right fine! if it means that much to you! but just—there’s gonna be a ton left over.,joey,no there won’t! i promise i will finish that turkey! +monica,"all right, you’re telling me you can eat an entire turkey in just one sitting?",joey,"that’s right! ‘cause i’m a tribbiani! and this is what we do! i mean we may not be great thinkers or world leaders, we don’t read a lot or run very fast, but damnit! we can eat!" +monica,"hey, what are you doing? you gotta save room, you’ve got almost an entire turkey to eat.",joey,let me explain to you how the human body works. i have to warm my stomach first. eatin’ chips is like stretching. +monica,all right.,joey,"don’t worry, tribbianis never get full." +will,"i actually know what you’re talking about. i’m here to tell you something my friend, you can eat and eat and eat but nothing will ever fill that void.",joey,who the hell is this guy? +monica,will! from high school.,joey,oh hey! +monica,"uh rachel? rachel, why don’t you sit here? and will you sit way over there.",joey,that’s it?! even if nobody helps me i can eat that no problem. at least give me a challenge! +monica,this is chandler’s chicken. this is the turkey.,joey,oh. how-how big is that? +monica,about nineteen pounds.,joey,it’s like me when i was born. +will,"i said it was typical. typical of you, rachel green, queen rachel does whatever she wants in little rachel land.",joey,"seriously, who is this guy?" +rachel,joey stop staring! there’s nothing there! it’s not true!,joey,i’m afraid i’m gonna need proof. +rachel,oh!,joey,you are my everest. +monica,"joey, you don’t have to finish that.",joey,"oh yes i do. otherwise what’s next? today i’m just a guy who can’t finish a turkey, but tomorrow i’m the guy who eats half a powerbar, wraps up the rest, and puts in the fridge? no! no, i just…i just—i gotta change my pants. jeans have no give." +phoebe,okay. it’s exactly how i’d imagined it would be.,joey,all right where’s that turkey! +phoebe,joey! those are my maternity pants!,joey,not now! these are my thanksgiving pants! +phoebe,is there anything we can do for you?,joey,"no just, nobody press on my stomach." +rachel,you can keep those pants by the way.,joey,whoa—hey—wh-wh-what do you got there? what is that? pie? +monica,"yeah, you want some?",joey,"ah, just cut me a little sliver. a little bigger. little bigger. what?! are you afraid you’re gonna run out?! cut me a real piece!" +ross,"yeah, what, what was i thinking?",joey,"hey! so, what’s with the 20 percent tip? did i do something wrong?" +chandler,twenty percent is a pretty generous tip joe.,joey,y’know what’s more generous than that?! fifty percent! y’know what’s even more generous than that?!! +ross,what’s up with the greed joe?,joey,"all right, look i’m sorry you guys, but it’s just that i gotta get these new head shots made. and they’re really expensive, y’know? i’m down to like three! well, actually two ‘cause one of ‘em i kinda blackened in some teeth—why did i do that?!" +ross,"oh, wait! wait! don’t you have an audition today? yeah! maybe you’ll get that job!",joey,"oh, ha-ha-ha! ooh! wait a minute, i used to get medical experiments down on me all the time!" +chandler,"ah, finally an explanation.",joey,"no-no! i used to get paid for all kinds of medical stuff, remember? let’s see uh, well i don’t want to donate sperm again. i really prefer doing that at the home office y’know? ooh-ooh, maybe they want like some of my blood or-or spit or something, huh?" +gunther,joey!,joey,yeah? +gunther,what did i tell you about talking to your friends while you’re working?,joey,uhh do it? +gunther,that guy has been waiting for his coffee for ten minutes! he’s complained about you three times!,joey,"well, where was i?" +rachel,"yeah, kicking a guy in the crotch all morning really takes it out of ya!",joey,takes it out of you? +chandler,she was working on valentine’s day so we’re celebrating it tonight.,joey,"ohh, hey! why don’t you book a date for both of you at one of those romantic spas?" +phoebe,"ooh, joey, that’s actually a really good idea!",joey,"and of course, crotchless panties." +phoebe,you guys!,joey,"you can’t make crotchless panties? you take, you take a pair of scissors and you just cut…" +monica,i’m just so excited to make the presents! shoot!,joey,"hi uh, i’m joey tribbiani and with all do respect i’d like to donate some fluids." +receptionist,"we’re actually at the end of one of our research cycles, so we’re not looking for applicants right now.",joey,"oh that’s too bad. i’ve kinda been saving up. uh, are you sure there’s no studies i can participate in?" +receptionist,"well, here’s a schedule of what’s coming up.",joey,thanks. well but this one starts now. +receptionist,"oh that one is available now, but only identical twins are eligible. it’s a twins study.",joey,"but it’s $2,000." +receptionist,sorry.,joey,well how about this one? testing the effects of joey tribbiani on attractive nurse receptionists. +ross,"i’m sorry i had to take such drastic measures to make my point, but i—look, i just want you guys to be safe. danger!!!!! ahhh, huh? unagi.",joey,"2,000 bucks is a lot of money. oh, i wish i had a twin. where could i find someone who looks exactly like me?" +joeys look-a-like,i’m joey! how are you doin’?!,joey,no! no! no! no! no! how you doin’?! how you doin’—damnit carl! go wait in the hall! +chandler,who the hell is carl?!,joey,"oh, did i not mention? carl is a guy i hired to be my identical twin for a medical research project." +chandler,"y’know sometimes the good ideas are just right in front of you, aren’t they?",joey,"okay, i know it sounds crazy, but i think it might work. y’know? the only problem is, carl’s acting is…" +monica,the only problem!,joey,"yeah, he’s the reason i didn’t get that big minute maid commercial a couple of years ago remember? we were supposed to be brothers, but he messed it up." +carl,"hey, uh can i get a little piece of that cake?",joey,pizza!! we like pizza!! get out!!! +ross,"y’know what? i can easily get out of this, but there is a chance you can get very, very hurt!",joey,"all right carl, we’re next. now remember, what is not gonna be?" +carl,another minute maid fiasco.,joey,that’s right! and what are you not gonna do? +carl,"well, i’m not gonna talk because…",joey,damnit carl! +the doctor,can i have the next one please? joey and tony tribbiani.,joey,that’s us. +the doctor,"but uh, this is a study for identical twins.",joey,"that’s right, $2,000." +the doctor,"but, you’re not identical twins.",joey,damnit carl! +ross,ah. joey you’re-you’re having lunch with my mom?,joey,"no, i-i just heard lunch. but yeah, i can go. sure!" +monica,i had to go with the odds rach.,joey,hey! you guys! remember that audition i had a while ago and didn’t get the part? +rachel,the commercial?,joey,no! +phoebe,that play?,joey,no! +monica,that other play?,joey,nooo! +phoebe,the movie?,joey,yes!! +phoebe,ohh!,joey,yes that’s the one about the soldiers who fight in world war i! +phoebe,"oh, yeah! back then y’know, we called the great war. it really was!",joey,"well anyway, the guy they wanted backed out and now they want me! i start shooting today!" +monica,wait! wait! wait! you can’t start today! today’s the rehearsal dinner!,joey,"oh no, i’ll be done by then." +monica,oh. well then way to go you big movie star!,joey,"i know! all right, i’ll see you guys over there! i’m off to fight the nazis." +rachel,"oh, wait joey! we fought the nazis in world war ii, not world war i.",joey,"whoa! okay. yeah well, who-who was in world war i?" +the assistant director,hey joey! we’re ready.,joey,yeah! me too. +the assistant director,richard? we’re ready for you. joey tribbiani? this is richard crosby he’s playing vincent.,joey,i’m doing my scenes with you? +richard,nice to meet you joey.,joey,wow! i can’t believe this! this is incredible. i mean you just won an oscar! +richard,no i didn’t.,joey,i think you did. +richard,i think i lost. three times.,joey,uh…cookie? +the director,"okay, all right. let’s do it. and…action!",joey,we have to find the rest of the platoon! +richard,forget the platoon! the platoon is gone!,joey,what?! +richard,the platoon is dead! face facts tony!,joey,so what are we gonna do?! we have no reinforcements! no-no food! +the director,"hang on a minute! joey, you keep touching your face. is something wrong?",joey,"no. nope, i uh…i th—i thought it might be kind of a cool character thing. y’know? he’s uh, he’s a face toucher." +rachel,ugh! what grandmother?,joey,hey! where have you been? +ross,"oh, taking my parents back to the hotel.",joey,oh. +ross,what? are you going back to work?,joey,yeah. +ross,nice shades.,joey,"thanks. yeah, i figure if i wear these in my scenes at least i won’t get spit in the eyes, y’know?" +ross,"and if i remember correctly, ray ban was the official sponsor of world war i!",joey,great! all right. i’ll see you later. +ross,"hey, where’s chandler?",joey,"uh, i think he’s in rachel’s room. see ya." +richard,"hey joey, could you uh, go through these lines with me?",joey,oh man! they-they just redid my make-up! +richard,just the last two pages.,joey,all right. +richard,i found the picture!,joey,picture? what picture? +richard,"could you uh, could you lower your script? i need to see your face so i can uh, play off your reaction.",joey,"okay uh, look i know you’re a great actor, okay? and you play all those shakespeare guys and stuff…" +richard,"oh, thanks.",joey,but you’re spittin’ all over me man! +richard,well of course i am!,joey,you know you’ve been spitting on me?! +richard,"that’s what real actors do! annunciation is the mark of a good actor! and when you enunciate, you spit!",joey,wow! didn’t know that. +richard,great!,joey,thanks! okay-okay check it out! picture? what picture? eh? +richard,i found the picture!,joey,what picture?! +richard,the picture of my wife! in your pack!,joey,you went through my personal property? +richard,why do have a picture of paulette in your pack?!,joey,"because vincent, we were lovers. for two years!" +the director,cut! wonderful!,joey,great scene yeah? +richard,"oh you’re awesome! and, in that last speech? you soaked me.",joey,thanks a lot. +the assistant director,here’s your call sheet for tomorrow.,joey,"oh, i’m-i’m not working tomorrow." +the assistant director,you are now.,joey,no! no! i can’t! you gotta get me out of it! i’ve got plans! important plans! +monica,rachel! you okay?,joey,"excuse me, aaron? hi! umm, i have a little problem with the schedules. originally, i wasn’t supposed to work today, and i have this wedding that i really have to be at. it’s my best friend’s, and i’m officiating so i really can’t work past four." +the director,"joey, you gotta stay until the end. we can’t stop filming just for you. it’s not like it’s your wedding.",joey,i’m having surgery! +the director,what?!,joey,"yeah, i-i just made up the stuff about the wedding because i didn’t want you to worry about me. but, i’m having surgery today." +the director,what kind of surgery?!,joey,transplant. +the director,but you’re supposed to work on monday.,joey,hair transplant. +the director,but you’re not bald.,joey,it’s not on my head. +the director,"look joey, there’s nothing i can do. besides, you’re probably gonna be out by four anyway. we’ve just got one short scene. it’s just you and richard, and god knows he’s a pro. you’ll be fine. morning richard.",joey,"hey! you’re here! great! great! great! let’s get going buddy, we’ve got a scene to shoot!" +richard,i’m wearing two belts.,joey,are you drunk? +richard,no!,joey,yes you are! +monica,"oh wow! okay. don’t scare me like that okay? i mean for a minute there i was like, oh my god! the worst has happened!",joey,i would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you! +the director,let’s reset.,joey,what?! he got me! owwwwww!!! +richard,are you a little off today? it’s going terribly slowly.,joey,"look, my best friends are getting married in like an hour. okay? and i’m the minister. please! please! can you pull it together?" +richard,of course! i’m-i’m sorry. i-i’d hate you to miss anything like that on account of me. i can do this!,joey,thank you. thank you. +the director,"still rolling, annnnd action!",joey,i would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you! +rachel,hello?,joey,hey! did chandler show up yet? +rachel,"yeah, we got him back. everything’s fine.",joey,damnit! +rachel,what? why? where are you?,joey,i’m still on the set! +rachel,joey! the wedding is in less than an hour!,joey,"i know! i’m sorry! the guy’s drunk, they won’t let me go until we get this." +rachel,oh my god! i’m gonna have to find another minister.,joey,"no! no, i’m the minister! all right, look-look, put ‘em both on the phone, i’ll marry them right now." +rachel,"ugh! joey, i have to go.",joey,hey! don’t you hang up on me! i’ll marry you and me right now! i have the power! +phoebe,oh my god! why would you play hide and seek with someone you know is a flight risk?!,joey,aaron! you gotta let me go. the guy’s hammered! +richard,you wouldn’t happen to have a very big fork?,joey,"so i uh, i just talked to the director. that’s it, we’re done for the day." +richard,well have we finished the scene?,joey,yeah! you…you were wonderful. +richard,as were you.,joey,"so i got your car, it’s right outside." +richard,why? are we done for the day?,joey,that’s what you told me. +richard,"oh, thank you. you’re welcome.",joey,no-no-no! we gotta go! come on! here we go. +the rabbi,let us begin. dearly beloved…,joey,"that’s my line! i can take it from here, thanks. dearly beloved, i’m sorry i’m a little late. you may be confused by this now, but you won’t be memorial day weekend 2002. well, let’s get started before the groom takes off again. huh? we are gathered here today, to join this man and this woman in the bonds of holy matrimony. i’ve known monica and chandler for a long time, and i can not imagine two people more perfect for each other. and now, as i’ve left my notes in my dressing room. we shall proceed to the vows. monica?" +monica,"chandler, for so long i…i wondered if i would ever find my prince, my soul mate. then three years ago, at another wedding i turned to a friend for comfort. and in stead, i found everything that i’d ever been looking for my whole life. and now…here we are…with our future before us…and i only want to spend it with you, my prince, my soul mate, my friend. unless you don’t want to. you go!",joey,chandler? +chandler,"no, that’s okay. monica i thought this was going to be the most difficult thing i ever gonna had to do. but when i saw you walking down that aisle i realized how simple it was. i love you. any surprises that come our way it’s okay, because i will always love you. you are the person i was meant to spend the rest of my life with. you wanna know if i’m sure?",joey,"you may not kiss the bride. so, i guess by the powers vested in my by the state of new york and the internet guys, i now pronounce you husband and wife. oh wait! do you take each other?" +monica,i do.,joey,yeah you do! +ross,rings?,joey,aw crap! okay—uh…uh let’s-let’s do the rings. +chandler,"we can? all right, im tryin that.",joey,"ok, you know what blows my mind? women can see breasts any time they want. you just look down and there they are. how you get any work done is beyond me." +chandler,"so, saturday night, the big night, date night, saturday night, sat-ur-day night!",joey,"no plans, huh?" +chandler,"no, i know, but its just so hard, you know? i mean, youre sitting there with her, she has no idea whats happening, and then you finally get up the courage to do it, and theres the horrible awkward moment when youve handed her the note.",joey,"why do you have to break up with her? be a man, just stop calling." +angela,"hi, joey.",joey,"my god, angela." +phoebe,are you gonna go over there?,joey,"no, yeah, no, ok, but not yet. i dont wanna seem too eager. one mississippi, two mississippi, three mississippi. that seems pretty cool. hey, angela." +angela,joey.,joey,you look good. +angela,thats because im wearing a dress that accents my boobs.,joey,you dont say. +angela,forget it joey. im with bob now.,joey,bob? who the hells bob? +angela,"bob is great. hes smart, hes sophisticated, and he has a real job. you, you go on three auditions a month and you call yourself an actor, but bob...",joey,"come on, we were great together. and not just at the fun stuff, but like, talking too." +angela,"yeah, well, sorry, joe. you said lets just be friends, so guess what?",joey,what? +angela,were just friends.,joey,"fine, fine, so, why dont the four of us go out and have dinner together tonight? you know, as friends?" +angela,what four of us?,joey,"you know, you and bob, and me and my girlfriend, uh, uh, monica." +monica,forget it. not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet.,joey,"come on. this guys great. his names bob. hes angelas... brother. hes smart, hes sophisticated, and he has a real job. me, i go on three auditions a month and call myself an actor, but bob is..." +monica,"oh, god help us.",joey,what? +monica,ugly naked guys laying kitchen tile. eww!,joey,"eww! look, im asking a favor here. if i do this for her brother, maybe angela will come back to me." +monica,whats going on here? you go out with tons of girls.,joey,"i know, but, i made a huge mistake. i never should have broken up with her. will you help me? please?" +monica,thank you. so what does this bob guy look like? is he tall? short?,joey,yep. +monica,which?,joey,which what? +monica,"youve never met bob, have you?",joey,"no, but hes..." +monica,"how, how did that happen?",joey,oh my god. +monica,what?,joey,i suddenly had the feeling that i was falling. but im not. +bob,yep. pretty much.,joey,"youre a lucky man. you know what i miss the most about her? that cute nibbly noise when she eats. like a happy little squirrel, or a weasel." +bob,"huh, i never really noticed.",joey,"oh, yeah, yeah, listen for it." +bob,"monica, monica is great.",joey,"yeah, but its not gonna last. shes too much for me in bed. sexually." +monica,oh my god.,joey,what? +monica,hello! were we at the same table? its like... cocktails in appalachia.,joey,"come on, theyre close." +monica,close? shes got her tongue in his ear.,joey,"oh, like youve never gotten a little rambunctious with ross." +monica,"joey, this is sick, its disgusting, its, its—not really true, is it?",joey,"well, whos to say whats true? i mean..." +monica,"oh my god, what were you thinking?",joey,"all right, look, im not proud of this, ok? well, maybe i am a little." +monica,oh!,joey,ow! +monica,im outta here.,joey,"wait, wait, wait. you want him, i want her. he likes you." +monica,really?,joey,"yeah. im thinking, if we put our heads together, between the two of us, we can break them up." +monica,"im so sorry, i cant believe i did this, but i couldnt stop laughing at your norman mailer story.",joey,"uh, waiter, one more plate of chicken wings over here." +phoebe,"hey, howd it go?",joey,excellent. +phoebe,wow!,joey,what is the matter with you?! +phoebe,no! barry and mindy.,joey,"oh sorry, i hear divorce i immediately go to ross. who-who’s barry and mindy?" +rachel,barry was the guy that i was almost married and mindy was my best friend.,joey,"ohh-oh, wasn’t he cheating on you with her?" +ross,"the first time! no seriously, imagine if carol hadn’t realized she was a lesbian.",joey,i can’t. i keep seeing it the good way. +ross,"no, i just think monica was that fat.",joey,"hey, imagine if i never got fired off days of our lives! oh-hey, there’s carol again!" +ross,"uh-huh. hey, here you go buddy. sorry, no porn for you. okay, let’s go see monica!",joey,"so monica, still going out with dr. boring huh?" +monicas boyfriend,"yeah. y’know, the hazelnut actually not a nut, it’s a seed.",joey,wow!! +monicas boyfriend,can anyone else name a well known seed that’s been masquerading as a nut?,joey,"oh dear god, let me think." +chandler,hey.,joey,hey. +chandler,was his question what’s more boring than him?,joey,"hey man, look sorry about that archie thing. do uh, do you need me to give you some money?" +chandler,"hey, i may have no money, but i still have my pride.",joey,really? +monica,"maybe joey doesn’t have to give you the money, tv stars have assistants right?",joey,"that’s an idea! hey, if i hired an assistant, would-would you take money from her?" +monica,"no joey! chandler could be your assistant! see, he could answer all of your fan mail and stuff!",joey,that’s great! that would be great! let’s do that! +chandler,i could use the money; it could give me time to write.,joey,oh right great! welcome aboard! +chandler,okay!,joey,"all right! now hey, i need to use the bathroom. since i don’t need any assistance in there, take a break!" +monica,joey!,joey,"i know, here-here!!" +rachel,hi!,joey,hi! +rachel,"hi! i love you on that show! i watch you everyday! i mean, when you took out your own kidney to save your ex-wife even though she tired to kill you…",joey,"well, it’s always nice to meet the fans." +rachel,ah!,joey,she’s not crazy is she? +monica,no.,joey,"so uh, how you doin’?" +phoebe,"hang on! hang on! hang on! go!! who’s this? oh okay, you’re gonna like working for me. what’s your name? what kind of name is brendy? i… whatever… stop talking! all right, from now on your name is joan. you can pick your own last name.",joey,hey there you are! +chandler,"uh-oh, it’s my boss!",joey,"all right, here’s a list of things for you to do today. man, this going to be so great! thank you so much! all right, i got to go to work i’m delivering twins today, but only one of them is mine!" +chandler,"oh just great. he beeps me now with codes. one is, bring me food. two is, i’m with a girl, bring us food. three is, i’m lost and i can’t find food.",joey,"hey! is uh, is she gonna be all right?" +monica,yeah! she’s right in there!,joey,"oh great. hey! go take off those pants, they look ready!" +rachel,wow! this is so amazing! what else? what else?,joey,"well, that is a large piece of television equipment. and uh that is an old man! hey old man!" +rachel,hey!,joey,"all righty, what do you say we head back to my place?" +rachel,"wow! umm, y’know, i-i would really love to, but i-i shouldn’t.",joey,"why? why can’t the world stop turning, just for a moment? just for us?" +rachel,isn’t that a line from the show?!,joey,"uh, yeah but uh, i may have said those things before but, i never truly meant them. until now." +rachel,that’s a line from the show too!,joey,"okay, you watch too much tv." +chandler,"here you go joe, here’s the freshly squeezed orange juice you asked for.",joey,"thanks! yeah, there’s pulp in that." +chandler,yeah?,joey,"i thought we talked about this. i don’t like pulp. no pulp. pulp isn’t juice. all juice, okay?" +chandler,"i’m sorry, i guess i just like the pulp.",joey,"oh my god, i’m sorry, i’m being so rude. rachel, would like a soda or something? because chandler would run right out and get it." +rachel,"yeah sure, iced tea would be great.",joey,iced tea. +chandler,"okay, anything for you sir?",joey,did i not just tell him? +rachel,"yes, you did.",joey,"okay look, chandler, if this you have got to listen! you’re gonna throw that juice at me, aren’t ya?" +monica,okay!!,joey,"hey! hey chandler look, i know you’re mad, but i just want to say i’m sorry. i-i was a total jerk. completely o-over the line. uh, i just i hate pulp! y’know? i mean, y’know how monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?" +monica,it’s not mayonnaise!!,joey,"yeah, o-o-o-o-okay anyway, i just wanted to say i’m sorry. here." +chandler,what’s this?,joey,"fresh squeezed orange juice, with pulp! just the way you like it." +monica,"hey joey, chandler sold a story to archie comics!",joey,oh my god! that’s great! congratulations! what’s the story?! +chandler,"oh you wouldn’t uh, care. it’s just a stupid comic book story.",joey,are you kidding me?! i love archie! and the whole gang! +chandler,"well uh, archie needs money to fix his jalopy , uh but he doesn’t want reggie to just give him the money. so reggie hires him as his assist—as his butler. and then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that can’t have lumps in them.",joey,wait a minute. that sounds a little familiar! did they already do that one? ‘cause i think i read it! +rachel,"ohh, i mean it’s just so realistic!",joey,"i know. yeah, his name is pat." +rachel,pat the dog. oh! oh! i get it!!,joey,"do you uh, do you—ready for a refill?" +rachel,"oh, i probably shouldn’t—so i will! oh! wow! it’s like it’s raining!",joey,"pretty cool, huh? but if you’re thinking you can put a fish in there and it wouldn’t get sucked up into the mechanism, well you’d be wrong." +rachel,"umm, can i use your bathroom?",joey,"it’s uh, right through there." +rachel,"okay. god y’know, if someone told me a week ago that i would be peeing in joey tribbiani’s apartment…",joey,"yeah, life’s pretty great isn’t it?" +rachel,"joey, you’re such an amazing actor! how do you know where dr. drake remoray leaves off and joey tribbiani begins?",joey,"well, with dr. drake they always tell me what to say. and with joey, i pretty much have to make it up on my own." +rachel,wow! tell me something joey——whoa! i just fell right off the couch there.,joey,yeah you did. +rachel,okay.,joey,here you go. let me ask you a question. +rachel,yeah?,joey,when was the last time someone told you just how beautiful you are? +rachel,"wow! i can’t, i can’t feel my hands.",joey,"come, come here." +chandler,"oh, okay!",joey,morning! +rachel,oh right.,joey,yeah. +rachel,oh god. oh i can’t believe joey tribbiani heard me throw up!,joey,well he actually saw you a little bit too. +rachel,"noo! oh god we did—we didn’t, we didn’t uhh…",joey,"no! no! no, not after seeing that." +rachel,god i’m just a horrible person.,joey,wh-why? +rachel,"because i’m married. that’s right, i am a married woman! and i came to a tv star’s apartment to have an affair! uck!",joey,"that’s ridiculous! i’m not a star, just a regular famous actor." +rachel,"yeah and i’m a horrible, horrible person.",joey,"rachel, would you stop saying that?! hey-hey look, remember on the show when-when caprice was dying and she gave me…" +rachel,"the ring from the cave, yeah.",joey,"wow! uh okay, well uh…" +rachel,"oh my god, they let you keep that stuff?!",joey,sure! as long as they don’t find out you can keep whatever you want! and i want you to have it. +rachel,no! no-no-no…,joey,"yes! yes!! and every time you look at it, i want you to remember that you are a good person. okay, you’ve had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you didn’t. and that’s what this ring stands for." +rachel,but i thought that ring stood for caprice’s undying love for her brother.,joey,"look, do you want the ring or not?!" +ross,hey!,joey,hey! +ross,look at you! you’re up!,joey,all right! +phoebe,i thought i’d try to take a walk. would you pour me some water? i’ll be back soon.,joey,"whoa-whoa-whoa! you’re not gonna use the pay phone to call work, are ya?" +ross,hey joe did… did you ever have a threesome?,joey,"well uh, look ross i uh, i think carol’s great and i’m sure you’re a very attractive man, but i…." +ross,no! the reason i’m asking is that… i sorta had one last night.,joey,you? +ross,yeah!,joey,wow! +ross,yeah!,joey,"all right! so, was it amazing?" +ross,"it was, it was okay.",joey,just okay—did you do it right?! +ross,"look, it’s just did, did you ever go to a party and think, would really anyone miss me if i weren’t here?",joey,"huh. but still ross, you’re worst day with two women, pretty much better than any other day! y’know what i mean?" +ross,"it’s just, my part seemed to be over pretty quickly and then, and then there was a lot of waiting around.",joey,"but you got to be with both of them, right?" +ross,not-not really. th-th-there was just carol.,joey,not the other one? +ross,"no, she kept kicking me away!",joey,"yeah, you don’t want that." +ross,no!,joey,"well hey, at least you got to see a lot of stuff, right?" +ross,oh i a lot of stuff!,joey,you got a little bored? +ross,a little. yeah. i made a snack.,joey,yeah? what did ya have? +ross,"just a sandwich. turkey, a little mustard…",joey,sounds good. +phoebe,"oh, oh! its on again!",joey,"you guys, can we please not watch this all right." +host,"folks, has this ever happened to you. you go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk, and these darn cartons are so flingin-flangin hard to open.",joey,"oh, you said it mike. aw! theres got to be a better way!" +mike,and there is kevin.,joey,can we please turn this off? +mike,"keep in mind, hes never used this product before, youre gonna see how easy this is to do. go ahead. this works with any milk carton.",joey,"wow, it is easy. now, i can have milk everyday." +monica,"perhaps, you would like me to turn like this, so that you can bunny bump against my back.",joey,hey! +chandler,"hey, man. whats up?",joey,maybe you can tell me. my agent would like to know why i didnt show up at the audition i didnt know i had today. the first good thing she gets me in weeks. how could you not give me the message?! +phoebe,"yes, it was! it was him! uh huh! okay, it was me!",joey,how is it you? +phoebe,"well, it was just, it was all so crazy, you know. i mean, chandler was in the closet, counting to 10, and he was up to 7 and i hadnt found a place to hide yet. i-i-i meant to tell you, and i wrote it all down on my hand. see, all of it.",joey,"yep, thats my audition." +janice,what is the great tragedy here? you go get yourself another appointment.,joey,"well, estelle tried, you know. the casting director told her that i missed my chance." +phoebe,that is unfair. ill call her and tell her it was totally my fault.,joey,"pheebs, you cant do that. the casting director doesnt talk to friends, she only talks to agents." +phoebe,"what a sad little life she must lead. okay, ooh .",joey,"what, what are you doing? what are you doing?" +phoebe,"no, no, no, i know, i know, ooh. hi, this is katelynn, from phoebe buffays office. um, is um, ann there for phoebe, shell know what its about.",joey,"hang up, hang up." +monica,i gotta go to work. has anybody seen my left boob?,joey,i love that movie. +monica,"there it is. joey, what are you doing?",joey,"im sorry, it just felt nice." +chandler,joe. joe! answer the phone.,joey,"hey, i only got one good arm, you know. you should be doing stuff for me. go get me a sweater." +monica,"oh, you mean like that guy thing where you act mean and distant until you get us to break up with you.",joey,"hey, you know about that?!" +chandler,do we have any... do we have any thoughts here?,joey,"well, ive never been through the tunnel myself, cause as i understand it, youre not allowed to go through with more than one girl in the car, right. but, it seems to me its pretty much like anything else, you know, face your fear. it have a fear of heights, you go to the top of the building! if youre afraid of bugs.....get a bug. right. in this case, you have a fear of commitment, so i say you go in there and be the most committed guy there ever was." +chandler,you think?,joey,"oh, yeah. go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind!" +rachel,"sure pheebs, you know, thats what its there for, emergencies and pretend agents.",joey,"come on baby, come on!" +rachel,unbelievable.,joey,thank you so much. +phoebe,"it was really fun, i mean ive never talked on a car phone before.",joey,"you were amazing, could you just do me this huge favor, you see theres this one other audition that i really, really want, and estelle couldnt get me in." +phoebe,"oh, i dont know. i mean it was fun one time.",joey,"come on, please, itll be just this one more, well actually its two." +phoebe,two?,joey,"yeah! well, well really its three. please. youre so good at it. i love you." +phoebe,"okay, ill do it, but just these three, right",joey,"nooo, four." +rachel,g.i. joe? do you really think hes gonna fall for that?,joey,g. i. joe! cool! can i play? +phoebe,helloo! oh!,joey,pheebs! there you are! +phoebe,"no its not, sorry.",joey,"but phoebe, wait! wait! phoebe. phoebe!" +phoebe,"oh, joey! oh, okay, see i didnt recognize you wearing, in those....pants.",joey,"look listen, that tv movie i went in for? did you hear anything? i think i got a shot at it." +phoebe,"yes! they called and you didnt get it! okay, i mean you didnt get it, im sorry, im sorry.",joey,"its okay, these things happen." +phoebe,"but they shouldnt happen, you know what, youre, youre in a terrible, terrible business. oh god, i dont wanna be the person who makes your face look like that.",joey,"im, im okay. see." +phoebe,"oh, now youre sad and creepy, oh. you know what, i, im sorry i quit, okay, i just quit.",joey,"no! no, no you cant quit! youre the best agent i ever had! look pheebs, rejection is part being an actor, you cant take it personally." +phoebe,"not personal, really, well they said that they never met an italian actor with a worse italian accent.",joey,they actually said that? +phoebe,"yeah. ooh god, theres that face again! see i cant do this job! i...",joey,"no, no, no, see thats why you have to do this job, agents always lie. you know, estelle just says stuff like they went another way, but this, i can use this. i canna work on a new accent." +phoebe,"okay, so we got some more good rejections, lots of stuff to work on.",joey,"okay, shoot." +phoebe,"okay, um, oh, the zoo commercial.",joey,i didnt get it? +phoebe,"no. they said you werent believable as a human being. so, you can work on that.",joey,"okay, what else?" +phoebe,"um, the off-broadway play people said you were pretty but dumb.",joey,oh. +phoebe,"oh no wait, im sorry, thats pretty dumb.",joey,"look, its okay, no, no, no, really, look um, i really appreciate this pheebs, but i think im gonna have to go back to estelle." +phoebe,oh.,joey,"yeah, well dont get me wrong, youre a better agent than she is, but at least with her i dont want to blow my pretty dumb brains out." +phoebe,"yeah, no, i understand.",joey,"you do, thanks." +phoebe,yeah. sorry.,joey,wait a minute. +phoebe,what?,joey,"wait a minute, did you just make up all that stuff just to get out of being my agent." +phoebe,"oh, you caught me. i am so busted.",joey,thats-ah what i suspected-ah. +director,cut! very nice people!,joey,"okay, let me just get changed and we can go to dinner." +rachel,well don’t—what happened to jessica’s body?!,joey,"i’m not telling, you’ll have to see it on tv!" +rachel,you don’t know do you?,joey,"no, couldn’t care less." +joeys co-star,hey good scene man.,joey,hey you too! +joeys co-star,alright.,joey,what? you weren’t in it. +rachel,oh!,joey,"oh sorry. uh-uh, kash?" +kash,yes?,joey,"this is my friend rachel. rachel, kash, kash, rachel." +rachel,"well, joey probably thinks i’ll just embarrass him. y’know, he thinks i’m some kind of a soap opera nut—which i’m not! i’m not. although i do know that your uh, your favorite ice cream flavor is butter pecan. and uh, and that your-your dog’s name is wally. well look at that, i’m just stroking your arm.",joey,here we go! here we go! +phoebe,love it!,joey,hey! +rachel,hi!,joey,"oh you know uh kash, really liked you the other day. he said he thought you were charming." +rachel,i thought i was a complete idiot.,joey,"hey, i’m with you. he even asked me if i thought you’d go out with him." +rachel,"oh! oh, i think i’m gonna throw up a little bit. what did you say?",joey,i said no. +rachel,what?!,joey,what? i…i just figured since you’re pregnant you’re not gonna be seeing people. +rachel,"okay joey, first of all kash ford is not people. second of all, what did he say when you told him i was pregnant?",joey,i didn’t tell him. i didn’t know if you were telling people. this is back when i thought kash was still people. +rachel,"good-good, don’t tell him. don’t tell him. just have him call me okay?",joey,"rach look, i really don’t think that’s such a great…" +rachel,hi!,joey,hey! +ross,"so, what do you want to do tonight? there’s a ukrainian film at the angelica that’s supposed to be very powerful. interested?",joey,no. no. but i’ll go see a normal person movie with ya. +ross,"why no, it’s the opposite of weird. it’s-it’s uh, regular. it’s-it’s uh, it’s mundane. it’s actually uh, a little dull.",joey,it’s no ukrainian film. +ross,a date?! she’s-she’s got a date?! with who?,joey,i set her up with this actor on my show. +ross,you set her up?!,joey,no +ross,joey what-what were you thinking?!,joey,"well, i was thinking that it’d probably be okay because ross hasn’t gone out with rachel in five years!" +ross,"joey, i’m not worried about her! i’m worried about my baby! whoever she dates my baby dates! now-now where is this actor taking them?",joey,hey! i’m an actor too! i’m not sure. i think they’re taking the ferry out to some italian place on staten island. +ross,a ferry? my baby is going on a ferry? do you have any idea how dangerous those are?!,joey,are we talking about one of those big boats that carry cars that go like five miles an hour? +kash,hey joey.,joey,"hey kash. uh hey-hey this is ross. ross, this is kash." +tim,"awww, i’ll miss you too pheebs. and i will be holding you, right here.",joey,so what movie do you want to see—and not another one i have to read. okay? i get enough of that from books. +ross,books?,joey,"all right, car magazines, cereal boxes, but it’s like enough!" +ross,"well, i tell you what. why don’t we uh, why don’t we just stay here? let’s not see a movie, we’ll just hang.",joey,and just wait for rachel to come back from her date? +ross,"hey, if that’s what you want to do i’m not gonna say no.",joey,dude! what is going on?! +ross,i just…i have to find out how it went.,joey,why? +ross,this guy could be my baby’s stepfather!,joey,they go on one date and you’re worried about them getting married?! he’s not you! +ross,i just—i-i can’t believe she’s-she’s dating?!,joey,"well ross, what did you think she was gonna do?" +ross,i don’t know! i guess i just can’t believe any of this is happening.,joey,what do you mean? +ross,"it’s just i always thought when i had another kid it would be different. now i-i love ben, but every time i have to drop him off at carol and susan’s, it’s like—it breaks my heart a little. i mean i’ve always had this picture of me and my next wife in bed on sunday and, my kid comes running in and leaps up onto the bed. and we all read the paper together. y’know? maybe fight over the science section.",joey,that’s a nice picture. maybe you can still have that! +ross,no! no i can’t. i mean rachel’s out with some guy. my baby went with her. if anything that picture keeps moving further away.,joey,"hey, can i ask you something? in this, in this picture of you and your wife, is your wife rachel?" +ross,it used to be. now she doesn’t really have a face. smokin’ body though.,joey,"good call. yeah. but, the face ross, the face isn’t rachel." +ross,no but ahh! how much easier would it be if it were?,joey,"i know, but i don’t think that’s what she wants." +ross,"no, it’s not what i want either. i mean i-i can’t force myself to fall in love with her again now.",joey,"that’s okay ross maybe you need a new picture. okay? it’s not gonna be what you thought, but no matter what there’s gonna be a brand new little baby, your baby. who cares what the picture looks like?" +ross,yeah.,joey,"hey, i tell you what. let’s you and me go out and have some fun. huh? whatever you want. come on!" +ross,we can still catch that ukrainian film.,joey,"no, i said fun!" +monica,"okay, guys, listen, dont forget that tomorrow is the day that emily gets married again, so whatever we do, just try to really keep rosss mind off of it.",joey,"oh, yeah, good idea." +ross,"oh, eh, just thinking about emily getting married tomorrow.",joey,"ooh, ross, look! look!" +ross,what? where?,joey,right over there! right there! look-look-look! +ross,what am i looking at?,joey,somebody help me out here! +phoebe,"monica, im sorry i didnt come by last night. i was out with gary; he let me ride around with him in his cop car. we saw and prevented crimes.",joey,you got to go on a ride along?! +phoebe,uh-huh!,joey,i want to go on a ride along! +ross,its the—chandler!!,joey,"okay, i got it! this place makes the best sandwich in the world!" +gary,hey joe does it have meatballs on it?,joey,"oh-ho, yeah!" +gary,does it have melted cheese and marinara sauce?,joey,yep! +gary,"yeah, you cant eat that in my car.",joey,yeah okay. even though my tax dollars paid for this car. +chandler,your tax dollars?,joey,"yeah, okay." +chandler,wow! that sandwich really does smell good.,joey,did i say you could smell it?! +chandler,i cant smell your sandwich?,joey,half the taste is in the smell! you-youre sucking up all the tastiness! +chandler,"okay, ill give them back. look! what is so great about that sandwich?",joey,"okay, imagine the best sex youve ever had." +chandler,okay.,joey,are you thinking about monica? +chandler,yeah.,joey,"yeah, whats that like?" +chandler,"sur-surprise him? were not, were not gonna make anybody mad are we?",joey,"come on man! listen so uh, are you gonna squeeze the perps shoes a little bit before he lawyers up?" +ross,"yeah, no one talks like that!",joey,oh what? like your mr. cop! +chandler,look at officer ross riding back here with the visitors.,joey,"yeah, whats up with that serpico?" +ross,what? what? what? what is it?,joey,is everything okay? +gary,"hey, its okay. it was just a car backfire. hey, look at that! you tried to save your buddy. you see that? you see what he did?",joey,you okay man? +chandler,"uh, hello!!",joey,hi. +ross,"yeah, but-but he didnt know that!",joey,"yeah, i didnt know that." +ross and joey,bye!,joey,cut it out ross! i hate to have to save your life and kick your ass in the same day! +chandler,"oh, i just went for a walk, around the living room. whatever…",joey,is something wrong? +chandler,"no. no im just tired. yknow, from-from the walk.",joey,okay. +chandler,you dove in front of ross! ross!,joey,"thats what this is about! oh my god, you hate ross!" +chandler,i do not hate ross!,joey,of course you do! i saved him! youre mad at me! it all adds up! you want ross out of the picture. +chandler,what picture?,joey,"i dont know, but i dont like what im hearing!" +chandler,"look im very glad that you saved ross from the car backfire, but yknow, it couldve been a bullet and you yknow, you didnt try to save me!",joey,"ohh, youre upset because you think i chose ross over you! no! i…knew…you could take care of yourself. yknow, i mean ross, he need help. hes not street like us!" +chandler,"when it comes down to it, you would risk your life for ross before you would for me. thats the bottom line.",joey,"well, no, not exactly! all right, look, i, i wasnt trying to save ross. okay? my sandwich was next to ross. all right? i was, i was trying to save my sandwich." +chandler,from a bullet!,joey,i know it doesnt make much sense… +chandler,much sense?!,joey,"look chandler, it was instinct! okay? i just went for it!" +chandler,"so you risked your life, for a sandwich!",joey,"i know it sounds crazy, but chandler this is the greatest sandwich in the world!" +chandler,"so you didnt uh, choose ross before me.",joey,no! i would never do that! you-youre like my brother! +chandler,really?!,joey,"yeah! in fact, to prove how much you mean to me, here." +chandler,thanks.,joey,"no, eh, oh-oi, easy, its not a hot dog!" +chandler,"oh-oi-ho, yeah!",joey,see? +chandler,hm-hmm.,joey,"oh-whoa-hey, dude, what are you doing?!" +chandler,i thought you were showing me how much you mean to me.,joey,yeah. with a bite! gee-e-e-eez! +chandler,"yes, if the foxhole was lined with sandwiches.",joey,"yeah, hero sandwiches." +roger,its textbook.,joey,"hey you guys. hey, you all know my dad, right?" +mr. tribbiani,"what happened to the, uh, puppet guy?",joey,"dad, dad." +mr. tribbiani,"gotta go. i miss you too, i love you, but its getting real late now",joey,"hey ma. listen, i made the appointment with dr. bazida, and... excuse me? did you know this isnt ma?" +mr. tribbiani,her names ronni. shes a pet mortician.,joey,sure. so how long you been... +mr. tribbiani,"remember when you were a little kid, i used to take you to the navy yard and show you the big ships?",joey,since then?! +mr. tribbiani,"no, its only been six years. i just wanted to put a nice memory in your head so youd know that i wasnt always such a terrible guy. ...joe. yever been in love?",joey,...i dknow. +mr. tribbiani,then yhavent. youre burning your tomatoes.,joey,youre one to talk. +mr. tribbiani,"joe, your dads in love big time. and the worst part of it is, its with two different women.",joey,oh man. please tell me one of em is ma. +mr. tribbiani,"of course, course one of ems ma. whats the matter with you.",joey,"its like if you woke up one day and found out your dad was leading this double life. hes like actually some spy, working for the c.i.a. thatd be cool.... this blows!" +chandler,"oh, good. rog is here.",joey,whats the matter with rog? +monica,hate that guy!,joey,"night, you guys." +chandler,"oh look, its the woman we ordered.",joey,"hey. can, uh, can we help you?" +ronni,"oh, no thanks, im just waiting for, uh, joey tribbiani.",joey,im joey tribbiani. +mr. tribbiani,"hey, joe.",joey,"dad, ronnis here." +ronni,"oh, wherem i gonna stay, here?",joey,who-ah-ho. +ronni,well go to a hotel.,joey,no you wont. +ronni,no we wont.,joey,if you go to a hotel youll be...doing stuff. i want you right here where i can keep an eye on you. +mr. tribbiani,youre gonna keep an eye on us?,joey,"thats right, mister, and i dont care how old you are, as long as youre under my roof youre gonna live by my rules. and that means no sleeping with your girlfriend." +ronni,wow. hes strict.,joey,"now dad, youll be in my room, ronni uh, you can stay in chandlers room." +chandler,"cmon, ill show you to my room. ...that sounds so weird when its not followed by no thanks, its late.",joey,"okay. now this is just for tonight. starting tomorrow, you gotta make a change. this has gone on long enough." +mr. tribbiani,what kinda change?,joey,"well, either you break it off with ronni" +mr. tribbiani,i cant do that!,joey,then you gotta come clean with ma! this is not right! +mr. tribbiani,"yeah, but this is",joey,i dont wanna hear it! now go to my room! +chandler,"hey, kicky. whatre you doing?",joey,just trying to get comfortable. i cant sleep in my underwear. +chandler,"well, youre gonna.",joey,"ive been thinking. yknow, about how im always seeing girls on top of girls..." +chandler,"are they end to end, or tall like pancakes?",joey,"yknow what i mean, about how im always going out with all these women. and i always figured, when the right one comes along, id be able to be a stand-up guy and go the distance, yknow? now im looking at my dad, thinking..." +chandler,"hey, youre not him. youre you. when they were all over you to go into your fathers pipe-fitting business, did you cave?",joey,no. +chandler,"no. you decided to go into the out-of-work actor business. now that wasnt easy, but you did it! and id like to believe that when the right woman comes along, you will have the courage and the guts to say no thanks, im married.",joey,you really think so? +chandler,yeah. i really do.,joey,"thanks, chandler." +rachel,chandler bing? its time to see your thing.,joey,whats the matter with you?! +rachel,were sorry.,joey,ma! whatre you doing here? +mrs. tribbiani,i came to give you this and this.,joey,oww! big ring! +mrs. tribbiani,"why did you have to fill your fathers head with all that garbage about making things right? things were fine the way they were! theres chicken in there, put it away. for gods sake, joey, really.",joey,"hold on, you-you knew?" +mrs. tribbiani,"of course i knew! what did you think? your father is no james bond. you shouldve heard some of his cover stories. im sleeping over at my accountants, i mean, what is that? please!",joey,"so then how could you i mean, how could you?!" +mrs. tribbiani,"do you remember how your father used to be? always yelling, always yelling nothing made him happy, nothing made him happy, not that wood shop, not those stupid little ships in the bottle, nothing. now hes happy! i mean, its nice, he has a hobby.",joey,"ma, i dont mean to be disrespectful, but... what the hell are you talking about?! i mean, what about you?" +mrs. tribbiani,"me? im fine. look, honey, in an ideal world, thered be no her, and your father would look like sting. and ill tell you something else. ever since that poodle-stuffer came along, hes been so ashamed of himself that hes been more attentive, hes been more loving... i mean, its like every days our anniversary.",joey,im...happy...for you? +mrs. tribbiani,"well dont be, because now everythings screwed up. i just want it the way it was.",joey,"ma, im sorry. i just did what i thought youd want." +mrs. tribbiani,"i know you did, cookie. oh, i know you did. so tell me. did you see her?",joey,yeah. youre ten times prettier than she is. +mrs. tribbiani,thats sweet. could i take her?,joey,with this ring? no contest. +monica,"so you talked to your dad, huh.",joey,"yeah. hes gonna keep cheating on my ma like she wanted, shes gonna keep pretending she doesnt know even though she does, and my little sister tina cant see her husband any more because he got a restraining order...which has nothing to do with anything except that i found out today." +ross,"so joey, you okay?",joey,"yeah, i guess. its just parents, after a certain point, you gotta let go. even if you know better, youve gotta let them make their own mistakes." +phoebe,"hey, joey. whats going on?",joey,clear the tracks for the boobie payback express. next stop: rachel green. +monica,joey!! what the hell were you doing?!,joey,sorry. wrong boobies. +chandler,oh my god!,joey,come on pheebs! hurry! hurry! hurry! hurry! +chandler,hey!,joey,hey! +monica,what are you guys doing here?,joey,ross and rachel left us a message saying they were getting married! isn’t that why you guys are here? +monica,why else would we be here?,joey,well! what happened?! did we miss it? +ross,tell me about it.,joey,"mornin’ pheebs. well, my movie has officially been canceled." +phoebe,"oh joey, i’m so sorry. you want some of my breakfast?",joey,"nah, i’m too depressed to eat. i’ll probably eat in like 5 minutes. so i guess i’ll just fly home with you guys, what time’s your flight?" +phoebe,what about my cab?,joey,i don’t need that anymore. +phoebe,"no, joey! you borrowed my cab; you have to drive it back.",joey,"i don’t want to drive all the way back by myself, i get so lonely. oh—ooh! how about you come with me?" +phoebe,"i don’t know, it’s such a long trip.",joey,"it’ll be great! we-we could talk, and play games! huh? this could be our chance to like renew our friendship." +phoebe,are you asking me to have a frenaissance?,joey,sure? +chandler,hi!,joey,hey. +phoebe,"um-hmm, yeah. they left me a message; they should be here any minute.",joey,where is the waitress?! i’m starving! +chandler,it’s a buffet man.,joey,"oh, here’s where i win all my money back!" +chandler,"listen, i gotta talk to you.",joey,sure! what’s up? +chandler,monica and i almost got married last night.,joey,"oh my god! that’s huge! wait a minute, why come i wasn’t invited? and who was going to be your best man? don’t say, ross. do not say, ross." +chandler,"look, i just don’t think monica and i are ready to get married yet! y’know? i mean, i love her and everything but seeing ross and rachel coming out of that chapel was like a, like a wake-up call that monica and i are moving so fast. y’know? and, how do i tell her without crushing her?",joey,oh! tell her she’s not marriage material. +chandler,what?!,joey,"girls say it to me all the time! and believe me, if she’s anything like me, she’s just gonna be relieved." +rachel,no!,joey,they let you get married when you’re drunk! most people who get married in vegas are drunk! +ross,"laugh it up, but the joke’s on you. because we don’t need to get divorced, okay? we we’re just gonna get an annulment.",joey,an annulment? ross! i don’t think surgery’s the answer here. +phoebe,"okay, you have 19 questions left. use them wisely. come on joey! you can’t win if you don’t ask any questions!!!",joey,what?! +phoebe,"well, you promised me a fun road trip! we’ve been on the road six hours and you’ve been asleep for five and a half! we are switching at the next rest stop and you are going to drive all the way back! that will be your punishment, you greedy sleeper!",joey,all right. all right. +phoebe,yeah! and until then you are going to sing to me because the radio’s broken and you are selfish but have a nice voice.,joey,really? i don’t… +phoebe,sing!!,joey,i wanna rock and roll all night! +phoebe,"how could you pick up a hitchhiker?! he could be a rape—, a rapist or a killer or something!",joey,don’t you think i asked him that before he got in?! +phoebe,i love the license plate game!,joey,"ooh, i’ll play! i’ll play!" +hitchhiker,"all right, see ya pheebs.",joey,"come on pheebs! i can’t take this anymore! let-let me make it up to you. huh? ground control to major tom. commencing countdown, engines on. take your protein pills and put your helmet on!" +phoebe,stop it! stop it no! that’s not fair! y’know i can’t resist that beautiful voice!,joey,"pheebs, i am so sorry! i know i promised you a fun road trip with your friend and i didn’t deliver. but-but-but now i know that you think being awake is an important part of friendship! so, so, so i will strive to-to stay awake for as long as i know you." +phoebe,you can still sleep at night and stuff.,joey,"well, thank you. so, can we play 20 questions now? i’ve got a really good one! i’ve been thinking about it since kansas." +phoebe,okay. is it a kind of hot sandwich?,joey,yes. +phoebe,is it a meatball sub?,joey,that is incredible! you are the master! +ross,we’re still married! don’t tell rachel. see you later. ending credits,joey,what are you doing? +chandler,the key’s stuck in the lock.,joey,i can fix it. hold on. look out. look out. +chandler,it still doesn’t work.,joey,i’m not finished. +chandler,"wait a minute, wait. you’re telling me this actress person is the only woman you ever wanted who didn’t want you back?!",joey,yeah! oh my god! is this what it’s like to be you? +monica,"wow, you’re really crazy about her, huh?",joey,"oh, you have no idea. and-and when we’re on stage i get to-to kiss her and-and touch her, but then she goes home with the director, and it’s like somebody’s ripping out my heart!" +phoebe,"wow, a house for dolls, that is so cool! when i was kid, i had a barrel.",joey,"uh, pheebs, you had a barrel for a dollhouse?" +phoebe,the little ones do.,joey,"hey, kate!" +kate,morning.,joey,"listen, i ah, went to that restaurant that you were talking about last week..." +the director,"hey, lovely! come, talk to me a minute!",joey,"and i ate the food, i had the fish, it was good, yeah. it was good, yeah..." +woman,"hi, oh, i’m lauren, kate’s understudy.",joey,"oh, hey! joey tribbiani." +lauren,i know! i-i’m a big fan of yours.,joey,what?! +lauren,"i used to umm, schedule my classes so i could watch dr. drake remoray on days of our lives.",joey,"get out of here, really?!" +lauren,absolutely!,joey,yeah? +lauren,"oh but then, they went and dropped you down that elevator shaft.",joey,they gave me the shaft all right. +lauren,"oh, you’re so funny. listen, umm, what are you doing after rehearsals? do you want to get a drink, or something?",joey,"well ahh, yeah! yeah, sure, a drink sounds great." +lauren,cool! i-i’ll see you then.,joey,all right. +joanna,don’t spoil it.,joey,"come on baby, don’t go. please? what do you say?" +the director,"hello. oh! it’s you. just ah, just one-one sec. i am going to take this call. when i continue, i hope that there will appear on stage this magical thing that in the theatre we call, committing to the moment!",joey,that guy’s like a cartoon. what do you see in him anyway? +kate,he happens to be brilliant. which is more than i can say for that sweater you’re dating.,joey,"hey, i’m not interested in her sweater! it’s what’s underneath her sweater that counts. and besides, since ah, since when do you care who i’m going out with?" +kate,"i don’t care. why, do you want me to care?",joey,do you want me to want you to care? +kate,do you?,joey,what? +the director,"okay, i’m afraid to say this, but let’s pick it up where we left off.",joey,"come on baby, don’t go. please? what do you say?" +kate,"i can’t believe we go on in, in a week.",joey,"hey, it’s gonna be all right." +lauren,"hey! so since we’re getting off early, do you want to go and paint mugs?",joey,what? +lauren,you know! at the place i told you about last night?,joey,"oh, yeah, with the mug painting. yeah. i was so listening to that. but ah, yknow what, i think i kinda need to work on my stuff tonight." +lauren,"oh, okay.",joey,okay. +lauren,i’ll see you tomorrow.,joey,okay. +lauren,g’night.,joey,"ah, are you okay?" +kate,"yeah, i guess. look, what are we gonna do about this scene, huh?",joey,i don’t know. +kate,"well umm, maybe if it had more heat.",joey,how do you mean? +kate,"well, adrian’s looking for a reason to stay, right? victor can’t just kiss her, he’s gotta, gotta really give her a reason, yknow?",joey,maybe he could slip her the tongue. +kate,"or maybe, maybe he could grab her, and, and, and, and lift her up.",joey,"yeah, yeah, and then adrian, she maybe she could wrap her legs around his waist." +kate,"and then she could rip off his shirt and kiss his chest, and, and his stomach!",joey,"and then, then he could use his teeth, his teeth to undo her dress, and, and, and bite her!" +kate,"and then right, right when the scene ends, he could take her with this raw, animal....",joey,something like that? +kate,"yeah, that’s pretty much what i had in mind.",joey,yeah. +ross,hi.,joey,hey. +ross,hi.,joey,hey. +ross,it’s a little early to be drinkin’.,joey,"no-no, things ah, finally happened with kate." +monica,you’re kidding?! that’s great!,joey,"oh, it was so amazing. after the love making..." +monica,oh my.,joey,"yep. i just, i just watched her sleep for like hours, just breathing in and breathing out. and then i knew she was dreaming ‘cause, ‘cause her eyes keep going like this." +ross,"oh, fire! there, there’s a fire! fire!!",joey,hey. +kate,hi.,joey,"so i ah, talked to lauren, kinda told her how things were with us. did you ah, did you talk to marshall?" +kate,about what?,joey,"yknow, about what happened with us." +kate,"nooo. and there’s really no reason he should find out, so ah let’s not make a big deal about it, okay?",joey,"what are you talking about? it was a big deal. i mean, come on you can’t tell me last night didn’t mean something to you. i-i was there, you’re not that good an actress." +kate,"look umm, i, i was, i was just caught up in the moment. that’s all it was. joey, i’m-i’m sorry you feel bad, but haven’t you ever sleep with a women where it meant more to her than it did to you?",joey,nooo. +kate,"hi, lauren.",joey,"hi, lauren." +chandler,well this is great! i’ll give you a call! we should do it again sometime!,joey,"well, so anyway beth, what i’m saying is i should’ve considered your feelings before i went home with you that night. i’ve ah, i’ve recently learned what’s it like to be on your side of it, and i’m sorry. so, do you think you can forgive me? great. thanks. okay, bye. hello, jennifer? oh hi, mrs. loreo, is jennifer there? oh, she’s not home huh? well ah, actually i kinda need to talk to you too." +chandler,"im telling you, she gives the worst massages ever!! okay, it was like she was torturing me for information. and i wanted to give it up i just—i didnt know what it was!",joey,"chandler, if it really hurts that bad you should just tell her." +ross,hey.,joey,"whoa, dude, look out! you almost crushed my hat!" +ross,this would be the place where you explain the hat.,joey,"oh! yeah, look theres this play all right? and im up for the part of this real cool like suave international guy. a real clothes horse. so i figure that everyone at the audition is gonna be wearing this kinda yknow, ultra-hip, high fashion stuff." +chandler,and youre gonna make them all disappear.,joey,"yeah, like you could find something as sophisticated as this." +rachel,"joey, if you wanna look good, why dont you just come down to the store? ill help you out.",joey,"great! thanks, rach!" +rachel,"sure! god, please take those off!",joey,all right. +ross,is everything okay?,joey,are you all right? +phoebe,"oh yeah, no-no-no. im fine. im okay, but umm, my grandma sorta died.",joey,pheebs! sorry! +phoebe,"well umm, okay we were in the market and she bent down to get some yogurt and she just never came back up again.",joey,"pheebs, im so sorry." +rachel,"okay now joey, yknow that since youre returning all of this stuff right after the audition youre gonna have to wear underwear?",joey,"all right, then youd better show me some of that too then." +rachel,"okay, its missing something. ooh, i know! umm, okay.",joey,really? a purse? +rachel,its not a purse! its a shoulder bag.,joey,it looks like a womens purse. +rachel,"no joey, look. trust me, all the men are wearing them in the spring catalog. look. see look, men, carrying the bag.",joey,"see look, women, carrying the bag. but it is odd how a womens purse looks good on me, a man." +rachel,exactly! unisex!,joey,maybe you need sex. i had sex a couple days ago. +rachel,no! no joey! u-n-i-sex.,joey,"well, i aint gonna say no to that." +ursula,thanks! enjoy your funeral.,joey,hey! +chandler,wow! you look just like your son mrs. tribbiani!,joey,"what? are you referring to my mans bag? at first, i thought it just looked good, but its practical too. check it out! its got compartments for all your stuff! your wallet! your keys! your address book!" +rachel,"joey, what are you doing with the bag? youre audition is not until tomorrow.",joey,"yeah, but sandwich time is right now." +rachel,"joey, yknow you get any mustard on that bag, you cant return it.",joey,why would i return it? i love this bag! +rachel,"all right, then you owe me $350.",joey,fine! do you take vasa or mustercard? +rachel,joey…,joey,"all right relax, look ill pay you with the money from the acting job i am definitely gonna get thanks to you." +rachel,"hey, dont listen to them. i think its sexy.",joey,u-n-i-sexy? +ross,"hey, how are you holding up?",joey,"hey pheebs, im so sorry." +phoebe,"hey, yknow what? my grandma had the exact same bag!",joey,"here, i brought you some flowers." +chandler,oh my god!,joey,"hey you guys, check it out. check it out. its like its coming right at me." +phoebe,"come on, you saw the way he ran out of here! what do you think? hes gonna stick around and talk to the daughter he abandoned!",joey,what did you say to him? +monica,"all right, lets go say good-bye.",joey,hey! im off to my audition. how do i look? +chandler,and a date with a man!,joey,"yknow what? make fun all you want. this is a great bag! okay? and its as handy as it is becoming. now, just because you dont understand something, doesnt make it wrong. all right? so from now on you guys are gonna have to get used to the fact that joey, comes with a bag!" +the casting director,"any time youre ready, joey.",joey,"well, you must be new here. why dont we get a table and ill buy you a drink." +the casting director,"im sorry. could you, could you try it without the purse?",joey,"yeah, sure. well, you must be new here. maybe we should—im sorry, can i ask you something?" +the casting director,sure. what?,joey,"well, first its not a purse." +the casting director,"okay, anytime.",joey,"i mean if-if youre thinking its a womans bag, its not. its a mans bag!" +the casting director,"okayyyy! anddd, go!",joey,"all right look, let me show you the catalog! see? huh? its the latest thing! everyones got one! men! women! children! everyones carrying them!" +the casting director,"umm, do you sell these bags?",joey,"noooo. no-no-no, these babies sell themselves." +the casting director,okay! thank you! that was great!,joey,yeah but i didn’t read anything. +the casting director,i think weve seen enough!,joey,"okay! all right, ill see ya. we got it! we got it!" +phoebe,"not yet, no. ending credits",joey,hi. +chandler,"hey man, how did the audition go?",joey,estelle said i didnt get it. +rachel,what?! why? joey you were so ready for it!,joey,"yeah, i thought so too but, she said the casting people had some problems with me." +ross,what kind of problem?,joey,"well to tell you the truth, they uh, they had a problem with the bag!" +ross,nooooo!,joey,yknow what? it was a stupid play anyway! +monica,"yknow, joey, i think its time to give up the bag.",joey,"i dont wanna give up the bag. i dont have to give up the bag! do i rach? oh, you think i should give up the bag!" +rachel,…i just dont know if the world is ready for you and your bag.,joey,i cant believe im hearing this! +chandler,"so, you and rachel tonight, huh?",joey,yeah. its actually our first official date +chandler,wow! so tonight may be the night! youre nervous?,joey,"naa, no. this is the part im actually good at." +chandler,what must it be like not to be crippled by fear and self-loathing.,joey,its ok! +chandler,how can you be so confident?,joey,"well, i... i know exactly what im gonna do!" +chandler,really? like you have a routine?,joey,"no, no no no no. see. each woman is different.you have to appreciate their uniqueness." +chandler,really?,joey,"no, i do six things! first, i look deep in her eyes. then, i kiss her. next i take my hand and i softly graze her thigh." +chandler,you mean like this?,joey,"no! not like that, no no. no, like this." +chandler,"oh, i see what you mean, thats quite nice.",joey,more foosball? +rachel,thanks for dinner.,joey,"i thought you paid. ha, guess we won’t be going back there!" +rachel,so.,joey,yeah. +rachel,"i say ‘cheesy line’, but ok.",joey,what’s the matter? +rachel,"i am sorry! again... i dont know, i don’t know what happened, i must be nervous!",joey,"i don’t get it, chandler loved it!" +rachel,"ok, ok, ok. i promise, i promise, i promise, i won’t do it again. i really do. i promise. this is gonna be great.",joey,ok. +phoebe,i did!,joey,"rach, you sure you wanna do this?" +rachel,"absolutely! absolutely. i d... it’s just a little weird, it’s you, and it’s me, its just gonna take some getting used to.",joey,"ok. well, how, how can we make it easier?" +rachel,"ok, let’s work from the top down! just work the bra, joe!",joey,"ok, yeah, got it." +rachel and joey,okay.,joey,this thing welded shut?! +rachel,okay.,joey,"all right, turn around, i got to get a look at this thing." +rachel,ow!,joey,sorry! +rachel,well this is romantic!,joey,"im sorry! this never happened to me before! im an expert at taking off bras! i can do it with one hand! i can do it with my eyes closed! one time i just looked at one, and it popped open! i blame your bra!" +rachel,it’s a standard issue bra clasp!,joey,then i blame you! yeah! thats right! you threw me off with all your slapping! +rachel,"ok well, well im really, im sorry about that joey, but do you think that maybe on some level, you dont want to take off my bra?",joey,nah! i dont have another level!! +rachel,"ok, thats true. thats true, we can do this. youre right, youre right, we can do this. were just gonna power through!",joey,hey chandler can i talk to you for a second . +monica,nope!,joey,hey! +rachel,hey! got champagne?,joey,"yes maam, ready to power through!" +rachel,"excellent! stick it in the ice bucket, the phone is off the hook, and in the interest of powering through ...",joey,uh! +rachel,"ok sexy, sexy, very sexy, sexy. alright! lets do it!",joey,"ok, youre scaring me a little bit." +rachel,"oh! get over it soldier, weve gotta do this! ok. aha! you like that huh?",joey,oh! yeah! +rachel,you like that? lets take this into high gear,joey,uh uh! +rachel,"yeah baby, ill show you how we do it!",joey,"no, no, no! you kneed me in my misters!" +rachel,what? oh my god! im so sorry. joey? are you ok?,joey,soldier down! +rachel,what is the matter with us?,joey,"well, i know whats the matter with me." +rachel,"no, i mean with us, you know. i mean, is it supposed to be this... difficult?",joey,i dont know. +rachel,"no, no, no... no, i mean... se-x-u-ally...",joey,"yeah, was there a part of you that... felt like it was... really wrong?" +rachel,"well, just because it happened that way for them doesnt mean it has to happen that way for us.",joey,"yeah, yeah... absolutely. i mean, just because somethings difficult doesnt mean that you quit." +rachel,"right, totally.",joey,"yeah, so we just keep trying and trying until we... do it." +rachel,"yeah, and if doesnt work, then well be just one of those couples that never have sex.",joey,thats a... pla-an. +rachel,i know.,joey,"i dont get it. i mean, i was so sure this was what i wanted." +rachel,i wonder how monica and chandler could do it?,joey,i guess they werent as good friends as we are. +rachel,aah... i bet youre right.,joey,so... +rachel,yeah.,joey,i love ya. +rachel,"love you too... alright, im going to bed.",joey,"yeah, me too." +rachel,joey? are you in there?,joey,oh god! that’s rachel! +monica,"joey, you have to talk to her!",joey,"no-no, i can’t! i can’t! not after the other night, it’s just it’s…too weird, okay? don’t tell her i’m here! don’t eat that!" +monica,"okay, did you hear that?",joey,"yeah, a naked bagel game? dude, i don’t know. that’s a pretty small hole." +monica,"honey, you gotta talk to her.",joey,i can’t! y’know? you guys don’t know what it’s like to put yourself out there like that and just get shot down. +monica,"hello? no rejection? i got shot down at fat camp! boy, kids are mean when they’re hungry.",joey,"all right so, so what do i do?" +monica,"this is rachel. i mean, what are you gonna do, never going to talk to her again? i mean i know it’s weird, it’s awkward, but you gotta at least try.",joey,yeah. okay. whoa! i almost forgot this was on your… +rachel,hi!,joey,hey. +rachel,hi.,joey,hi. +chandler,they were just giving those away at the store in exchange for money.,joey,hey! +monica,"yeah joey she’s…rachel’s got this really big work problem, and it is a head scratcher. wow! y’know what, if we’re gonna make dinner we’re gonna have to leave. yeah.",joey,"so you uh, have a…big work problem?" +rachel,yeah it’s umm… yeah it’s uh… it-it’s y’know—it’s nothing.,joey,"huh. okay. so uh, i think i’m gonna take off." +rachel,yeah—no wait! joey no wait it is. it’s something. it’s-it’s umm…it’s my boss.,joey,yeah? +rachel,"yeah, and umm my baby.",joey,yeah? +rachel,my boss wants to buy my baby!,joey,what?! oh my-oh my god! +rachel,"i know i told you, it’s a really big problem.",joey,what he wants to buy your baby?! +rachel,can you believe that?!,joey,that’s crazy! +rachel,that’s what i told him!,joey,"okay, how did this even happen?" +rachel,"well i’ll tell ya! see uh my-my boss and his wife—they-they can’t have children. so umm, and that—we were at the christmas party, and he got drunk, and he said to me, rachel, i want to buy your baby.",joey,man! when you said it was a problem about your boss and the baby i figured it was something about maternity leave. +mr. zelner,may i help you?,joey,do you think you can just buy my friends baby?! +chandler,the sun’ll come out…tomorrow! bet…your bottom dollar that tomorrow… …there’ll be sun.,joey,hey! +rachel,"hey! oh joey, honey listen, thank you for talking to my yesterday about that thing with my boss. that really meant a lot.",joey,"not a problem. oh, and just so you know, that guy’s not going to be bothering you about that baby thing anymore." +rachel,what?,joey,let’s just say i took care of it. +rachel,"whoa-whoa-whoa, let’s say more!",joey,"don’t worry! don’t worry. i just told him, very nicely, you don’t go buying people’s babies, so back off!!" +rachel,"no! no, no-no-no joey he doesn’t want to buy my baby! i made that up!",joey,what?! why?! +rachel,so that we would have something to talk about! so it wouldn’t be awkward!,joey,and you couldn’t think of anything else?! +rachel,"oh joey, i can’t believe you brought my boss into this! i’m gonna get fired!",joey,you lied to me! +rachel,hi.,joey,so? what-what-what happened? +rachel,"joey, i’m really sorry that i lied to you. i was just trying to make things…",joey,i know. i know. +rachel,"it kinda worked. i mean y’know, i don’t know about you buy i haven’t thought about our thing since all this.",joey,"hey you’re right. yeah, it’s kinda been like us again a little bit." +rachel,yeah i know! i miss that.,joey,me too. i mean i…haven’t thought at all about how i put myself out there and said all that stuff and how you didn’t feel the same way about me and-and how it was really awkward. +singer,"‘cause every time i see your face, i can’t help but fall from grace. i know.....",joey,wow! this girl is good. +chandler,"all right listen, i have to go to the bathroom, but if the place with the big fish comes up again. i’d like know whether that’s several big fish or just one big fish.",joey,"so ah, phoebe tells us you write jingles." +phoebe,actually i said she abandoned me to write jingles.,joey,"ah, anything we might of heard of?" +leslie,"okay, ah, see ya pheebs.",joey,"wow, that was kinda brutal." +phoebe,where’s chandler?,joey,"ah, he can’t make it, he said he had to his... whoa-oh!" +ginger,joey i can see you okay? you’re hiding behind the coats.,joey,"phew, close one." +phoebe,you never run on a barge!,joey,hey. +phoebe and monica,hey.,joey,"is ah, is chandler around?" +monica,"no, umm, he met some girl at the coffee house.",joey,oooh. +monica,"yeah, ginger something.",joey,"nooo. no, no, ah, are you sure it wasn’t something that sounded like ginger, like ah, gingeer?" +monica,"no, it was ginger. i remember, because when he told me, i said, ‘the movie star.’",joey,"aww, man. that’s the girl i was hiding from. when she finds out he’s my roommate, she’s gonna tell him what i did." +monica,"well, what did you do?",joey,"what, oh, oh, oh, no, no, i can’t, i can’t tell you that, it’s like the most awful, horrible thing i’ve ever done my whole life." +monica,"yknow what, don’t tell us. we’ll just wait until chandler gets home, because it’ll be more fun that way.",joey,"all right!! okay, it was like four years ago. okay, ginger and i had gone out a few times, and then this one weekend, we went up to her dad’s cabin. just me, her, and her annoying little dog pepper. well that night, i cooked this really romantic dinner...." +monica,you gave her food poisoning!?,joey,"i wish. no. after dinner, me, her, and pepper all fell asleep in front of the fire. well i woke up in the middle of the night and i saw that the fire was dying out. so, i picked up a log and threw it on. or, at least what i thought was a log." +phoebe,oh my god!! you threw pepper on the fire!,joey,"i wish. see, i guess another thing i probably should’ve told you about ginger is that she kinda has a ah, artificial leg." +monica,"oh my god! joey, what did you do after you threw her leg on the fire?",joey,i ran!! +chandler,"oh god, it freaked me out. okay, i know it shouldn’t have, but it did. i mean i like her, i don’t want to stop seeing her, but every so often it’s like ‘hey, yknow what, where’s your leg?’ i mean i’m the smallest person in the world aren’t i? i’m the smallest person in the world.",joey,morning. +chandler,actually he’s the smallest person in the world.,joey,heard about the leg burnin’ huh? +chandler,it came up.,joey,"listen, i ah, i know it’s a longshot. but, by any chance did she find that funny?" +monica,"sorry, pheebs.",joey,yeah. you okay? +phoebe,"yeah. i actually am, yeah. yknow life-life’s gonna had you all kinds of stuff, yknow you learn your little lessons and hopefully you grow. wanna hear a new song?",joey,yeah. +chandler,well hello!,joey,where have you been? +ross,"no, monica’s restaurant got a horrible review in the post. i didn’t want her to see it, so i ran around the neighborhood and bought all the copies i could find.",joey,"man, this is bad! and i’ve had my share of bad reviews. i still remember my first good one though. everything else in this production of our town was simply terrible. joey tribbiani was abysmal." +all,no!,joey,"yeah! yeah monica! you listen to me, okay? and i’m not just saying this because i’m your friend, i’m sayin’ it ‘cause it’s the truth. you’re food is abysmal!" +rachel,i’m just kidding! you can go pee!,joey,"hey uh monica, i can’t remember. did we say we were gonna meet here or at the movies?" +monica,"we said at the movies, but…",joey,"okay, i’ll see you there." +monica,joey! now that you’re here…,joey,"sure, i can hang out ‘til i have to meet ya. what uh—how come you’re not going?" +chandler,i have a job interview i have to get ready for.,joey,i thought you already have a job. +chandler,"and people say you don’t pay attention. no, this is a much better job. it’s vice-president of a company that does data reconfiguration and statistical factoring for other companies.",joey,wow! how do you know how to do that?! +monica,"hey joey, come taste this.",joey,what is it? +monica,remember that guy that gave me a bad review? well… i’m getting my revenge!,joey,you cooked him? +the food critic,i don’t see any reason why i would do that to myself again.,joey,"either eat it, or be in it." +the food critic,"i’m torn, between my integrity and my desire to avoid a beating. but i must be honest, your soap is abysmal.",joey,thata girl! huh? we should get out of here; there’s a new class comin’ in. +chandler,"well you should meet my uncle, bada. i’ll let myself out.",joey,hi. +the cooking teacher,"your fettuccini alfredo looks a little dry, did you use all your cheese?",joey,"when you say used, do you mean eat as a pre-cooking snack?" +the cooking teacher,and the cream?,joey,cheese makes me thirsty. +the cooking teacher,okay. let’s move on.,joey,all right. +the cooking teacher,"okay joey, you’re up next. this are good! this is amazing! you get an a!",joey,"i can an a? in-in school? hey, i’m a dork." +the cooking teacher,"if you’re a professional chef, what are you doing taking introduction to cooking?",joey,yeah! +monica,"okay then, i don’t stink. i’m a good chef. okay.",joey,whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! i don’t want to go. i’m having fun. +the cooking teacher,"well actually, did either of you pay for this class?",joey,"hey-hey-hey, if my friend says it’s time to go, it’s time to go." +rachel,right!,joey,"well i had a great time! learned how to bake, ate great food, that’s the first a i’ve gotten since seventh grade, and i didn’t have to sleep with the teacher this time." +monica,"oh, look! acting for beginners! want to feel good about yourself?",joey,what the hell! +the acting teacher,"all right, let’s start with some basics. can anybody tell me what the difference between upstage and downstage is?",joey,"yeah, this was a stupid idea." +phoebe,hello? hey joey!,joey,"hey pheebs! listen, uh can you do me a favor? i forgot the pin number to my atm card can, can you get it for me?" +phoebe,sure! where is it?,joey,"uh, i scratched it on the atm machine down on the corner." +phoebe,ohh! so youre 5639?!,joey,thats it! thanks pheebs! +chandler,is that joey?! let me talk to him!,joey,no! because he didnt believe in my movie! which is a big mistake because it is real! real! +phoebe,who was that?,joey,"uhh, my stunt double. yeah, and yknow, hes getting a little too familiar for my tastes." +chandler,"yknow what? i have been trying to apologize to him all week! if hes not gonna let me do it on the phone, im gonna go down there and do it in person.",joey,"uhh pheebs, i heard that. can you put him on?" +chandler,hey!,joey,dont come out here! +chandler,"no-no-no-no, ive supported you one hundred percent and i want to prove that to you in person!",joey,i got that! i forgive ya! dont come out here! +chandler,forgive me? you havent been taking my calls in a week!,joey,"well, im totally over it chandler. friends forever! dont come out here!" +phoebe,hey! joey! hey! hey!! wow!,joey,hi! +chandler,love your condoms my man.,joey,what-what are you guys doing here? i thought i told you not to come. +phoebe,why are you dressed as a gladiator?,joey,"uhh, because im shooting a scene right now. yeah, i uh, i play a gladiator. uh, yknow what? hold-hold on a second. can we cut? yeah, my-my friends are here, im gonna take a little break." +monica,who are you talking too?,joey,"they uh director. uhh, her. all right, all right, its not a gladiator movie. i work here." +chandler,why?! what happened?!,joey,"well, the movie got shutdown because they ran out of money, so im working here til it starts up again, if it ever does." +monica,im so sorry.,joey,"look, im sorry i didnt tell ya. im sorry man." +phoebe,so youre a gladiator! wow!,joey,"yeah, what-whats going on?" +phoebe,monica had lunch with richard.,joey,dawson?! +chandler,thanks.,joey,"aww, there we go." +chandler,next time?,joey,"ooh, so close." +monica,fine! happy anniversary!,joey,whoa! whoa! guys! please! come on! come on! this is obviously just a big misunderstanding. +chandler,what are you talking…,joey,hey-hey dont look at me! i just work here! +ross,hey lady! i dont care how much you want it! okay?! i am not gonna to have sex with you in the bathroom!,joey,"hey, yknow in roman times this was more than just a hat." +chandler,really?,joey,"yeah, sure! sure! they would uh, they would scrub the floors with it! they would use it to get the mud off their shoe. and sometimes underneath the horse would get dirty so they would stick it right…" +chandler,"joey, i uh! i cant believe this is how im spending my anniversary.",joey,"all right well, ill take you someplace nice then. look! a guy tipped me a hundred bucks today." +chandler,whoa!,joey,"yeah-yeah, he was playing blackjack for like an hour and he won $5,000. can you believe that? $5,000!" +chandler,"yknow, if i won $5,000 id join a gym, yknow build up my upper body and hit richard from behind with a stick!",joey,"wait a minute! why dont i do what that guy did? ill take this $100 and turn it into $5,000! and then ill turn that into enough money to get my movie going again!" +chandler,good luck!,joey,chandler! i dont need luck. i have thought this through! +rachel,"yes, im sorry. do you have any extra pants? umm, my friend seems to have had a little accident.",joey,can i change a hundred? +blackjack dealer,changing one hundred! good luck sir.,joey,lets ride. +blackjack dealer,13.,joey,hit me! ohh man! wait! +chandler,what?,joey,my identical hand twin! +chandler,whats an identical hand twin?,joey,"whats it sound like? its a guy with my identical hands! it was incredible! chandler, the dealers hands were exactly like me! it-it was like looking at my hands in a mirror!" +chandler,are you sure you werent looking at your hands in a mirror?,joey,don’t you see what this means?! i can forget about that stupid movie. im gonna be a millionaire! +chandler,how?,joey,"look, i dont have it all worked out yet, but its gotta mean big money! come on! identical hands!" +chandler,"again i must go back to, how?",joey,"this is vegas man! people will pay to see freaky stuff! okay, how much would you pay to see this hand twice? huh?" +chandler,"yknow, i-i cant really put a price on that joe.",joey,"hey, are you unsupporting me again?" +phoebe,hey!,joey,pheebs!! +phoebe,yeah?,joey,i found my identical hand twin! +rachel,"no, actually i took it off then i drew it back on.",joey,hey-hey-hey you made it! +ross,joey!!,joey,all right! hey-hey! +rachel,hi!!,joey,whos your friend? hes hot! +ross,"hey listen i uh, talked to chandler, sorry about the movie.",joey,"no, dont be sorry. i dont need it anymore. i found my identical hand twin!" +ross,your what?,joey,my identical hand twin! the person whose hands are exactly like mine! this thing is a gold mine! +ross,what?! thats not gonna make you any money!,joey,"okay. well, if thats how you feel about it, fine! none of you get to live with me in my great big hand-shaped mansion! except uh, you pheebs. you can live in the thumb." +chandler,"yeah, i wanted to make a dramatic scene, but i hate packing.",joey,"uhh, hey. wheres the other guy?" +the woman dealer,which guy?,joey,"hes kinda tall, dark hair, hand looks exactly like this. see?" +the woman dealer,"i dont know about the hands, but the guy that was here before me just went to the bathroom.",joey,okay! how you doin? +the woman dealer,very busy.,joey,right! okay. +phoebe,i know. use it.,joey,"oh-oh-oh, yeah! thats right, you take good care of those babies!" +joeys hand twin,excuse me?,joey,"its me, joey!" +joeys hand twin,do i know you?,joey,joey! +joeys hand twin,"oh-ho, yeah. yeah, the hand guy.",joey,"okay, so what are we going to do about this hand twin thing?!" +joeys hand twin,nothing?,joey,"look, you and i have been given a gift. okay? we have to do something with it. like-like, hand modeling! huh? or-or magic! and you know nasas gonna wanna talk to us!" +joeys hand twin,i have to get back to…,joey,"whoa! whoa! whoa! whoa-whoa! we could have our own show! yknow we could clap our hands together people will love it! huh? and-and-and i wrote a song for us! this hand is your hand! this hand is my hand! oh wait, thats your hand! no wait, its my hand!" +joeys hand twin,thats okay.,joey,but you havent even heard the chorus! +ross,that must be our alcohol and beers!,joey,hey! +rachel,"ohh, i love joey! joey lives with a duck!",joey,hi! +rachel,hey!,joey,"look-look-look you guys, i need some help! okay? someone is going to have to convince my hand twin to cooperate!" +ross,"ill do it. hey, whatever you need me to do, im your man. whoa-oh-whoa! are you, are you okay?",joey,"yeah! im fine! thanks! hey rach, how you doin?" +rachel,"im doin good, baby. how you doin?",joey,"ross, dont let her drink anymore!" +chandler,"okay, one thing at a time.",joey,ahhh! +joeys hand twin,are you gonna play?,joey,"no-no, i dont really have any money. not yet, anyway…" +joeys hand twin,you cant sit here if youre not gonna play.,joey,ooh-ho-ho! +joeys hand twin,14.,joey,hit me! +joeys hand twin,stop it!,joey,"uhh, ms. phalange, may i ask you a question as an impartial person at-at this table?" +joeys hand twin,please stop it!,joey,"wouldnt you pay good money to see these identical hands showcased in some type of a uh, entertainment venue?" +joeys hand twin,"please, please take him too.",joey,"me?! oh come on, man! you cant do this! come on! im your hand twin!!" +ross,not two years in a row.,joey,"look, i’ll come to the party but i’m not dressing up." +monica,you have to!,joey,"no way! look, halloween is so stupid! dressing up, pretending to be someone you’re not…" +ross,"yeah. yeah, i think i will.",joey,that hot girl from their wedding? +ross,yeah.,joey,"well hey-hey if she needs any idea for costumes, she could be a bikini model, or a slutty nurse, or a sexy cheerleader huh—ooh-ooh, leatherface from the texas chainsaw massacre—no-no-no! slutty leatherface." +chandler,no bunny at all!! always no bunny at all!!!,joey,hey! +monica,you didn’t dress up either?!,joey,"yes i did! i’m chandler. dude, what happened?" +chandler,how is that me?,joey,okay. i’m chandler +chandler,when have i ever done that?!,joey,when have i ever done that?! +chandler,wow! i don’t have the worst costume anymore!,joey,"hey all right, ross came as doody." +monica,hey joey?,joey,yeah. +monica,you read comic books right?,joey,exclusively. +monica,"who do you think would win in a fight, catwoman or supergirl?",joey,"catwoman, hands down." +monica,yeah…,joey,"but between you and phoebe, i’d have to give the edge to phoebe." +monica,what?! really?!,joey,"are you kiddin’? phoebe lived on the street. okay? plus, she’s got this crazy temper. she—she’s not standing right behind me is she?" +monica,"no you’re fine. all right well, do you think i could take rachel?",joey,i’m not sure. +monica,what?! come on i am tough! punch me right here! as hard as you can!,joey,will you relax?! what are you taking this so seriously for? it doesn’t matter. +monica,"oh really? okay? well what would you say if i told you that, y’know, ross or chandler could beat you up?",joey,"i would say, woman, please!" +phoebe,no i’m not! you are!,joey,here comes the temper. +chandler,marry her.,joey,"okay, here’s a good one for ya. who do think would win in a fight between ross and chandler." +monica,i can’t answer that! chandler’s my husband.,joey,so ross? +chandler,"oh relax man, relax. you’re looking a little flushed.",joey,"hey-hey-hey, i think we might find out the answer to our question." +chandler,what question?,joey,"monica and i were talking about who could kick whose ass in a fight, you or ross?" +chandler,there’s no question.,joey,so you think ross too? +monica,"wait-wait!! okay, stop it! stop it! stop! now listen, no one’s gonna fight in this apartment.",joey,"hey monica! people came to see a fight, let’s give ‘em what they came for!" +mona,"hey, you guys could arm wrestle.",joey,yeah. listen to the slutty nurse. +ross,oh yeah? you’re going further down! downtown!,joey,"seriously guys, the trash talk is embarrassing." +rachel,"uh, i think i just did. and uh-oh, here it comes again. shut up!",joey,rach? +phoebe,you too. and ursula?! it was really nice meeting you tonight!!,joey,"pheebs come on! bunny vs. doody! we’re waiting! okay. okay guys, one match, winner take all. oh wait-wait! what does the winner get?" +chandler,and dignity.,joey,"okay, if you say so. all right, ready? set! go!" +mona,wow! they’re both really strong.,joey,or equally weak. +mona,yay! my hero!,joey,you’re a weird lady. +ursula,hurry up i gotta pray!!,joey,hey! +rachel,"hey! well, i had to give the kid fifty bucks to stop crying.",joey,that’s not so bad. +rachel,"no, i also had to go to a couple houses with him as his girlfriend. oh, i am just awful with children!",joey,"come on! you’re good with kids. they’re just crazy on halloween. y’know, they’re all greedy and hopped up on sugar!" +rachel,really? you think that’s all it is?,joey,"absolutely! halloween is the worst. except for christmas…and their birthdays. kinda get a little crazy during the summer too. and anytime they’re hungry or sleepy. y’know, kids are tough. good luck with that." +chandler,hi!,joey,hey! you made it! +phoebe,"oh, this is fun.",joey,you’re ready to have a baby? my boy’s all grown up! +monica,"okay, just back off mister! whoa. ‘cause i am ready to have a baby. i just want joey to be the father.",joey,what?! are you crazy?! +phoebe,right. and with who again?,joey,god. he’s crazy! why doesn’t he want to be with rachel? +phoebe,i know!,joey,"i mean seriously, she’s like the perfect woman. i mean i know she turned me down, but if she hadn’t and wanted to be with me, i would take her in my arms and… i haven’t bummed you guys out like this in a while have i?" +monica,and it’s so clean!!,joey,come on you stupid machine! come on! +phoebe,"oh, it ate your money?",joey,no. +phoebe,"all right, i’ll see you downstairs then.",joey,all right. +phoebe,all right.,joey,hey i got one! i got one! +phoebe,wait! what?! no!! elevator!! no!,joey,"uh, you gotta press the button." +nurse,"i’m sorry, that information is restricted to hospital staff…",joey,"uh, she’s with me. dr. drake remoray." +nurse,dr. drake who?,joey,remoray. it’s portuguese. we need that information; i’m a doctor. +nurse,a doctor at this hospital?,joey,damnit woman we’re losing precious time! now do you want this man’s blood on your head? +phoebe,hands.,joey,"hands! it is absolutely essential that you tell me what room the man my assistant described is staying in. he’s a patient of mine, i’ve been treating him for years!" +nurse,he’s in room 816.,joey,"816, thank you!" +phoebe,thank you.,joey,and what is his name? +phoebe,"ooh, this is it! oh, that’s him! that’s him!",joey,great! go get him. +phoebe,"wait a second, or maybe you can go in first.",joey,he’s not really my type. +phoebe,"no not you, dr. drake remoray. you can ask him questions and see what’s he like. people tell doctors everything.",joey,but you said he was this great guy! +phoebe,"but lately all the guys i meet seem really nice at first, then they turn out to be the biggest jerks.",joey,you do attract some stinkers. +rachel,oh come on!!,joey,hi! i’m dr. drake remoray and i have a few routine questions i need to ask you. +man,really? i’ve been dealing with dr. wells.,joey,"i know, but i’m a neurologist. and just to be on the safe side, dr. wells wanted a more comprehensive overview of you status so he sent me." +man,dr. wells is a woman.,joey,"that was a test. good response. all right, full name." +man,clifford burnett.,joey,date of birth? +cliff,"november 16th, 1968.",joey,age? +cliff,can’t you figure that out based on my date of birth?,joey,"i’m a doctor cliff, not a mathematician." +cliff,i’m 33.,joey,"okay. and uh, are you married." +cliff,no.,joey,"oh really? so, 33 and still single, would you say you have commitment issues?" +cliff,are all the questions this personal?,joey,yes. +cliff,well uh if you must know i’m a widower.,joey,oh that’s terrible. i’m-i’m really sorry. +cliff,yeah.,joey,hmm. do you sleep with women and never call them again? +cliff,no.,joey,"excellent! excellent! and uh, finally, are you into any weird stuff y’know, sexually?" +cliff,no!,joey,"oooh, wrong answer." +phoebe,what else? what else?,joey,"uh, well he’s 33." +phoebe,oh. ah-uh.,joey,a widower. +phoebe,oh.,joey,"he seemed like a stand up guy. oh, and he’s not into anything weird sexually." +phoebe,"cliff, do you really believe that a character from a tv show was here in your room?",joey,"rachel’s having her baby!! which is of no interest to me, i’m a neurologist." +cliff,i don’t believe this. you got him to pretend he was some fake doctor?,joey,fake? excuse me? hello? +cliff,i don’t think so.,joey,"uh, if i may? umm-umm look, cliff, you told me a lot of personal stuff about you, right? and maybe-maybe it would if-if would help if-if you knew some personal stuff about her. uh, she was married to a gay ice dancer. uh, she gave birth to her brother’s triplets. oh! oh! her-her twin sister used to do porn!" +phoebe,"uh joey, we’re trying to dial down the crazy.",joey,right! +cliff,it doesn’t happen to me either.,joey,me neither. +phoebe,hi!,joey,there she is! +chandler,"it’s incredible, i mean one minute she’s inside you and then 47 hours later here she is.",joey,she looks so real! y’know what i mean! she’s this whole tiny little person. she already has eyelashes and knees and…uh-oh. +rachel,what?,joey,"oh no-no, no for i second there i counted six fingers, but one was from the other hand so we’re good." +rachel,so? you guys are all sleep deprived. i don’t see you weeping because you put your slippers on the wrong feet. oh god.,joey,what’s the matter now? +chandler,so then i guess ferdinad is out.,joey,what was the other one ross? +phoebe,right. or you might get everything you’ve wanted since you were fifteen.,joey,hey. i just saw a woman breast feeding both of her twins at the same time; it is like a freak show up here. what’s the matter? +rachel,nothing.,joey,what is it? hey! +rachel,really it’s nothing. i’m just…,joey,"rach come on, what?" +rachel,i’ve just been thinking about how my baby and i are gonna be all alone.,joey,what are you talking about alone? what about ross? +rachel,"oh please, he’ll be with his real family, the twins and little miss new boobs.",joey,"okay, how long was i watching that woman?" +rachel,"i’m just saying that y’know, someday ross is gonna meet somebody and…he’s gonna have his own life. right?",joey,"yeah, i guess so." +rachel,i just never thought i would raise this baby all by myself. pretty dumb huh?,joey,"hey, listen to me, listen to me…you are never ever gonna be alone. okay? i promise that’s not gonna happen." +rachel,joey. honey what would i do without you?,joey,you don’t have to worry about that okay? +rachel,"oh, hon can you grab me my other box of tissues? they’re right on that chair under ross’s coat.",joey,sure. +rachel,okay.,joey,my god. +phoebe,hi!,joey,hey! you’re back! +monica,i know.,joey,"a couple? like two people? like one , two people?" +chandler,"listen, they are really great. if you just got a chance…",joey,y’know what? why don’t you just give us our souvenirs and get the hell out of here? +monica,we didn’t get anything for anyone.,joey,hm-mm! yeah nice necklace! +rachel,"well it happened about six weeks ago, and uh i had just got home from work and ross was already there ‘cause i guess he had been hanging out with joey.",joey,you’re welcome buddy. +ross,"yes let’s. y’know what? uh, it’s-it’s not important. what is important is that, is that we’re having a baby. and it’s not—doesn’t matter who came on to who.",joey,whom. that’s right. +phoebe,i can’t believe he taped the two of them having sex!,joey,yeah! you gotta tell a girl before you tape her. such a rookie mistake. +chandler,let’s call ‘em.,joey,yeah! ask them if they brought their friends any souvenirs! +monica,hello? eighth street deli?,joey,"hey, hang up! you get food poisoning just talkin’ to that place." +monica,hello? it’s the deli again!,joey,all right! i’ll have a sandwich! +monica,what?! people don’t do that!,joey,oh i think we do. +monica,"and you’ve never been funnier. joke, joke, joke, you were a hoot!",joey,"y’know what? don’t worry about it, you still got me and phoebe." +ross,"filming rachel is not something i planned. okay look, here’s what happened, and joey you-you can back me up on this. all right, about-about a month and a half ago i came to you with a problem? umm, a personal thing.",joey,personal thing? what personal thing? i don’t know. +ross,about…about sex? that i hadn’t had sex in months?,joey,yeah i knew what you were talkin’ about. six weeks earlier +ross,hey!,joey,hey. +ross,"do you have a minute? i’d like to talk to you about something i’m, i’m really uncomfortable talking about.",joey,"sure. what? about uh, you showering with your mom?" +ross,"i actually had a topic in mind! i’m, i’m kinda going through a dry spell, sex wise.",joey,"whoa, for like months?" +ross,"five to be lying, six.",joey,six months? whoa that’s rough. +ross,"well, i mean it’s not all bad. i’m learning to appreciate the uh, smaller things in life. like the sound of a bird and the color of the sky.",joey,the sky’s blue ross and i had sex yesterday! +ross,"please, help me! i have a date tonight. it has to go well okay—i’m scared for my health!",joey,"okay. okay. umm…ooh! oh-oh, i got something. it’s this story i came up with, very romantic. i swear any woman that hears it; they’re like putty." +ross,really? well then tell it to me.,joey,"okay. now you’re gonna want to have sex with me when you hear it, but you have to remember it is just the story." +ross,i’ll try to control myself.,joey,"okay. years ago, when i was backpacking across western europe…" +ross,you were backpacking across western europe?,joey,have a nice six more months ross! +ross,"okay! okay! okay. i’m sorry. please, please, you were in western europe and?",joey,"i was just outside barcelona hiking in the foothills of mount tibidabo. i was at the end of this path and i came to a clearing and there was a lake, very secluded. and there were tall trees all around. it was dead silent. gorgeous. and across the lake i saw…a beautiful woman…bathing herself…but she was crying…" +ross,okay! do you wanna tell the story?!,joey,whoa! what are you doing here? how did your date go? +ross,great! i’m across the street having sex with her right now. your story sucks!,joey,"hey! look, if it didn’t work it’s because you didn’t tell it right! show me how you did it." +ross,"no! no, i don’t…don’t want to.",joey,how long since you’ve seen a girl naked? +ross,i was backpacking across western europe.,joey,i’m not feeling it. +ross,"i was just outside barcelona, hiking…",joey,no! no! no ross! i’m not hot! are you hot? +ross,it’s been six months! i’m always hot!,joey,"well you’re not selling the story! it’s like; it’s like you don’t believe it! look, i gotta go. i got a date, but try this. do what i do when i’m preparing for an audition. okay? i’ll set you up with my video camera and you can record yourself and-and see what you’re doing wrong." +ross,i’ll try that.,joey,"all right now… all right, you’re all set up. you’re good to go. just hit record. all right?" +ross,thanks.,joey,good luck. +ross,thanks. and-and hey joe?,joey,yeah? +ross,"listen, if you ever have any problem with the ladies you know i’ll help you out.",joey,that means a lot to me man. +ross,what a great idea! that will get rachel to forgive me!,joey,y’know what? this is not fair to her. let’s just forget the tape! +ross,thank you. no!,joey,you’re right. +ross,joey! no!,joey,loud and clear! +monica,i still dont get why greg and jenny would give us a fake number.,joey,"y’know, if they knew what they were doing they probably didn’t give you real names either." +monica,"okay, maybe people give out fake numbers, but they don’t give out fake names.",joey,"oh yeah? hi, ken adams, nice to meet you." +rachel,hey! is ross still here?,joey,"uh no rach, he’s gone. but listen, he told us what happened and it does, it sounds like an honest mistake." +rachel,"clearly you don’t want people to see this tape. now i don’t want people to see this tape either, but you so badly don’t people to see it makes me want to see it. you see?",joey,are we watchin’ the tape or not?! +ross,hello! can i get you anything?,joey,i’m so happy! +rachel,how do you know about that story?!,joey,how do you know about that story?! +rachel,i heard it from my friend irene who heard it from some guy!,joey,some guy!! +rachel,"no. no, she told me his name was ken adams.",joey,ken adams!! +monica,phoebe that’s crazy!,joey,i can’t believe she would say that too you. +ross,…subcategories. the first of these subcategories is…,joey,"uh ross! are there uh, are there naked chicks on that piece of paper?" +ross,no! why?,joey,"well, i’ve just never seen a guy stare so hard at a piece of paper that didn’t have naked chicks on it." +rachel,"some uh, some visual aides.",joey,oh-ooh-ooh! y’know what’s a good visual aide? +ross,please don’t say naked chicks.,joey,why not?! +chandler,hey.,joey,hey! any good mail? +chandler,"yes, you got something from the screen actor’s guild.",joey,"ooh, it’s probably a residual check, hey can you open it for me, i’m kinda…." +chandler,benefits lapsed.,joey,hmm that’s weird. i don’t remember being in a move called benefits lapsed. +chandler,"okay, it’s not a check. they’re saying your health insurance expired because, you didn’t work enough last year.",joey,let me see that! +chandler,all right.,joey,"oh, i can’t believe this! this sucks! when i had insurance i could get hit by a bus or catch on fire, y’know? and it wouldn’t matter. now i gotta be careful?!" +chandler,"i’m sorry man, there’s never a good time to stop catching on fire.",joey,"all right well, i guess i gotta go get a job. i’m gonna go see my agent." +chandler,"okay, make sure you look both ways before you cross the street.",joey,…look both ways before you cross the street. +ross,that’s right!,joey,"hey estelle, listen…" +estelle,well! well! well! joey tribbiani! so you came back huh? they think they can do better but they all come crawling back to estelle!,joey,what are you talkin’ about? i never left you! you’ve always been my agent! +estelle,really?!,joey,yeah! +estelle,"oh well, no harm, no foul.",joey,"estelle, you gotta get me some work. i-i lost my health insurance." +estelle,"all right, first thing we gotta do, damage control.",joey,why? +estelle,"well, i think uhh, someone out there may have been bad mouthing you all over town.",joey,bastard! +chandler,hey!,joey,hey! so estelle lined up a bunch of auditions for me tomorrow and i’ll have my health insurance back in no time. +chandler,"that’s great, but shouldn’t you be on the toilet right now?",joey,what?! +chandler,what’s wrong with you?,joey,"nothing! well, i-i got this blinding pain in my stomach when i was lifting weights before, then i uh passed out and uh, haven’t been able to stand up since. but um, i don’t think it’s anything serious." +chandler,this sounds like a hernia. you have to—you-you go to the doctor!,joey,"no way! ‘kay look, if i have to go to the doctor for anything it’s gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach!" +chandler,that’s a hernia.,joey,why did i have to start working out again? damn you 15s! +chandler,"hey, will you grab me a cruller? sit down! will you go to the hospital?!",joey,"dude! hernia operations cost like, a lot probably. besides it’s getting darker and more painful, that means it’s healing." +chandler,i will loan you the money. just go to the hospital and let’s just get that thing…pushed back in.,joey,"thank you, but it would take me forever to pay you that money back and i don’t want that hanging over my head. okay? besides, as soon as my insurance kicks in i can get all the free operations i want! yeah, i’m thinking i’ll probably start with that laser eye surgery too." +chandler,hey.,joey,hey! +chandler,"oh joey’s got a really bad hernia, but that’s nothing a little laser eye surgery won’t fix!",joey,"look, i’m telling you if i put my hand on my stomach right here it doesn’t hurt that bad." +phoebe,hey! maybe you’ll die!,joey,"sure, now i’m scared." +phoebe,"no, we can go together! just don’t wait too long though, okay? ‘cause i’m outta here sometime before friday.",joey,"yeah, but i don’t wanna die!" +casting director #1,whenever you’re ready.,joey,"okay. hey, timmy, i’ve got a surprise for you." +casting director #1,"hold it. i’m sorry, the surprise is a new swing set, if you could play it a little less…intense?",joey,"oh yeah, sure, no problem, i’ll just—hold on one second. hey timmy, i’ve got a surprise for you!" +casting director #1,oh my god!!,joey,so that’s why i feed my dog purina one! pick up a bag today! +casting director #2,that’s where you pick up the bag.,joey,exactly. +casting director #2,"no, the line is pick a bag, so you need to pick up the bag.",joey,"or, i could just point to it! huh? blah, blah, blah, purina one, point to a bag today. i didn’t get it, did i?" +casting director #2,no.,joey,"yeah, okay." +casting director #3,you mean dying man?,joey,yes! +chandler,"listen, i’m really glad you got the part.",joey,thank you. +chandler,but are you sure you can do this?,joey,"yeah! and hey, thanks for coming with me. and thanks again for helping me take a shower." +chandler,"now, is that never talking about it again?!",joey,hiya! +the director,"hey joey, we’re ready for ya! joey, this is alex he’s going to be playing your son.",joey,"hi alex! and uh, as you can see my hands are not in my pants." +the director,and action!,joey,take could care of your momma son. take could care of your momma son. come on son! your momma’s good people! +the director,all right! let’s try this again! you ready joe?,joey,"ah, just one thing umm, is it all right with you if i, if i scream right up until you say action?" +the director,uh sure.,joey,okay. +the director,action!,joey,take good care of your momma son. +phoebe,have you really done this before?,joey,"yeah! yeah! yeah! you just take a big, big swing. now, don’t hold back. (he dons his protective helmet and phoebe picks up a wooden baseball bat and starts to swing as chandler and monica enter.)" +phoebe,hey!,joey,hey-hey-hey! +monica,"yeah, thatd be great! thank you!",joey,why? +chandler,"its okay, the ducks using our bathroom anyway. hey joe! what are you getting kathy for her birthday?",joey,"weve only been going out for a couple of weeks, do you think i gotta get her something?" +rachel,"okay, honey, what he means by that, is ...while this is a very nice gift, maybe its just not something a boyfriend gives?",joey,"sure it is! she needs a pen for work, shes writing, she turns it over.... whoa! its time for my date with joey!" +chandler,"all right, look, look. what did... what did you get for angela delveccio for her birthday?",joey,"look, its too late, and i got an audition. i cant shop anymore! i..." +ross,"well, like that, only instead of a chair, its a pile of garbage. and instead of a jacket, its a pile of garbage. and instead of the end of the day, its the end of time, and garbage is all that has survived! here.",joey,all right! now you go get that beautiful pig! oink! +chandler,"shes really going to love this, you know? the bottom line is i want her to have it, even if i dont get to be the one who gives it to her.",joey,hey! im meeting kathy in ten minutes! ive been looking all over for you! +chandler,i got something for her. its a book!,joey,a book? is it like a book thats also a safe? +chandler,"no, its a book thats just a book, okay? its an early edition of the velveteen rabbit. it was her favorite book as a kid. so, uh, just... let me know if she likes it, okay?",joey,"you got it. thanks man. thanks for doing this, i owe you one. oh, hey! there wasnt any change from that twenty, was there?" +both,aah!,joey,"hey, listen, i gotta tell ya, i feel kinda bad taking credit for this, because man, am i gonna get a lot of credit for this!" +chandler,"see, you think its just a pen, but then you turn it over and its also a clock.",joey,"oh, uh... dont forget your coupon. ." +monica,i wanna buy 5 shares of sgj and i wanna buy them now. cmon time is money my friend. thank you. wooo.,joey,"yeah, you missed, takes money to make money, and uh, dont make me come down there and kick your wall street butt." +big bully,dont do that to yourself. any one of us could have tripped over that little girls jump-rope.,joey,excellent. +ross,"you know, you know, actually its getting better. it is. it is. lets not go. anyone for thcrabble?",joey,"what? i have seven catholic sisters. ive taken care of hundreds of kids. come on, we wanna do it, dont we?" +chandler,"you know, i dont think we brought enough stuff. did you forget to pack the babys anvil?",joey,"its gonna be worth it. its a known fact that women love babies, all righ? women love guys who love babies. its that whole sensitive thing. quick, aim him at that pack o babes over there. maybe one of them will break away. no, no wait, for get them, we got one, hard left. all right, gimme the baby." +chandler,"thats a good plan, joe. next time we wanna pick up women, we should just go to the park and make out. taxi, taxi!",joey,"oh were not out. no, no. were just uh, two heterosexual guys, hanging with the son of our other heterosexual friend, doin the usual straight guy stuff." +chandler,"come on, pick up, pick up! hello? transit authority? yes, hello. im doing research for a book, and i was wondering what someone might do if they left a baby on a city bus. yes i do realize that would be a very stupid charact er.",joey,"hi, heres the deal. we lost a carseat on a bus today. its white plastic, with a handle, and it fits onto a stroller. oh, and there was a baby in it. he wants to talk to you again." +transit authority guy,hes here. im assuming one of you is the father.,joey,"well, well that one has ducks on his t-shirt, and this one has clowns. and ben was definitely wearing ducks." +rachel,"well, my eye is a little itchy.",joey,"uhhh, mine too! yeah." +rachel,chandler!,joey,me too! me too! me too! +chandler,you okay there man?,joey,"yeah, i got too excited!" +phoebe,"uh, its a piece of paper and it says, ross on it.",joey,hey. i just got off the phone with estelle and guess what. i got the lead in a movie!!!!!! +chandler,you got the lead in a movie? thats amazing! whats the movie about?!,joey,"its called shutter speed, its really cool! yeah, umm, i meet this girl in the subway and we fall in love in like a day, right? and then, she disappears… but i find out where she lives and when i get there this like old lady answers the door and i say, wheres betsy? right? and she says, betsys been dead for 10 years." +phoebe,"ohh-oh, chilling!",joey,"and the best part is, were filming in the desert outside vegas! and you know what that means buddy!" +chandler,"yeah, i know that means buddy!",joey,"road trip! yeah, we can rent a car! i just have to be there by tuesday!" +phoebe,"no! no, her cab! she probably wont be using it; you can drive it to las vegas.",joey,all right! thanks pheebs! +chandler,"whoa-whoa-whoa, what are we going to do about my job?",joey,"oh umm, not go." +phoebe,oh hey joey! whats up?,joey,"i cant decide which route to take to vegas. hey, youve traveled a lot right?" +phoebe,"yeah, ive been around.",joey,"okay, so-so which route should i take the northern route or the southern route?" +phoebe,"ooh, if you take the northern route theres a man in illinois with a beard of bees. {okay, i must protest this, ive lived in illinois all my life and know of no man with a beard of bees! wisconsin, on the other hand, might be a different story.}",joey,great! problem solved! +phoebe,but on the southern route theres a chicken that plays tic-tac-toe.,joey,"well, back to square one." +phoebe,"oh, i know a way that you can decide! all right, im going to ask you a series of questions and you answer as quickly as you can.",joey,yes! +phoebe,"good, but wait. okay, all right, here we go. now i want you to relax. take a deep breath. clear your mind. which do you like better peanut butter or egg whites?",joey,peanut butter! +phoebe,which would you rather be a fireman or a swimmer?,joey,a swimmer! +phoebe,who would you rather sleep with monica or rachel?,joey,"monica. oh… huh, i always thought it would be rachel." +phoebe,no thinking! no thinking! tie or ascot?,joey,ascot! +phoebe,north route or south route?,joey,north route! +phoebe,bamn! there you go! huh?,joey,"wow! that was incredible! beard of bees, here i come!" +phoebe,"oh, this guy again.",joey,"hey man, whats up?" +ross,"uhh, not much. you guys want to see a movie tonight?",joey,"sure, what do you want to see?" +ross,"i dont know, umm…",joey,"oh, i know how we can decide. phoebe, show him your game!" +ross,whats with her?,joey,"i dont know. but hey, i know we can decide. okay, im gonna ask you questions and you answer real quick. okay?" +ross,okay.,joey,what do you like better action or comedy? +ross,action.,joey,who would you rather sleep with monica or rachel? +ross,"dude, you are sick.",joey,"oh, im sorry. i forgot you had that whole rachel thing." +chandler,hey!,joey,hey! you ready to go? +monica,"i love you. {theres another continuity error here. before monica says i love you, chandlers holding the vests so that you couldnt see the collar, you could see all three, and they were folding nicely. after she says the line and the camera cuts back to chandler, you can only see two out of the three, you can see the collar of the top one, and it looks like it was folded sloppily, unlike before. hey, you notice things while spending this much time on this!}",joey,"man, i wish ross was coming with us! yknow? im gonna miss him!" +chandler,"hey, so where are we staying? is the movie putting us up in a big hotel suite?",joey,"uh no, not really. its an independent film yknow? so we dont have a real big budget. i figured id just stay in your room." +chandler,"i see, but once you get your first paycheck youll be springing a big hotel suite, right? i mean, lead in a movie, they must be paying you a lot?",joey,"oh yeah! for every dollar shutter speed makes, one penny of it goes right in joeys pocket." +chandler,so you dont get paid unless the movie makes money?,joey,did you not hear the plot of the movie? shes been dead for ten years. im gonna be a millionaire! +ross,hey!,joey,hey! +ross,"i just wanna say good-bye to you guys and to see if you guys will place a little bet for me, huh? twenty bucks on black 15.",joey,you got it! +rachel,bye you guys!,joey,bye-bye! +chandler,okay!,joey,anybody want to say good-bye to me at the car? +rachel,"oh honey, ill say good-bye to you at the car if you dont mind the puss.",joey,see ya! +phoebe,"oh no, i am mad at you. i know that much. but, i am sorry about the fat ass thing. you actually have a very sweet little hiney.",joey,"man, im getting pretty tired. youre might have to take over soon." +chandler,"weve been driving for a half-hour, and you havent looked at the road once.",joey,"dont worry, its out there! i think i just need lunch." +chandler,yeah.,joey,you wanna eat? my treat! +chandler,isnt that rosss money?,joey,yeah. okay. rosss treat! where do you wanna eat? +chandler,i dont know.,joey,"ooh, hey, i know how we can decide! all right, uh, im gonna ask you a bunch of questions and then you have to answer real fast. okay? so uh, clear your mind clear it right out! clear it out! clear!" +chandler,okay!,joey,"okay, uhh, would you rather be too wet or too dry?" +chandler,too dry.,joey,"do you believe in ghosts, yes or no?" +chandler,no!,joey,is this movie gonna be my big break? +chandler,no!,joey,what?! +chandler,yes.,joey,"dude you said, no!" +chandler,"i also said, yes!",joey,you dont think this is going to be a big break for me? +chandler,no! ahhh!!!,joey,i dont believe this! +chandler,"look joe, i just, i just dont want to get your hopes up real high.",joey,what are you talking about?! im the lead in a movie! +chandler,theyre not even paying ya! this doesnt even sound like a real movie!,joey,yknow what? i dont need this! okay? i dont know why youre dumping all over my big break. +chandler,"joe, i dont think this is going to be your big break.",joey,"is that why youre on this trip, huh? make me feel like a loser? cause if it is, ill tell ya, i-i-id rather be alone." +chandler,"oh, you dont want me on the trip?",joey,not if youre gonna be like this! +chandler,"all right, ill tell ya what, the next time you ask me a question like that ill lie.",joey,yeah! i dont want you on the trip! +chandler,"all right, fine! fine! why dont you pull over? ill get out right now!",joey,fine! get out! +chandler,youre not actually supposed to stop on the bridge.,joey,get out!! +monica,hello? its joey. im so glad you called! chandler told me what happened. yknow hes really upset about it.,joey,not as upset as hes gonna be when he finds out what i did with his sweater vests! +monica,what did you do to his sweater vests?,joey,lets just say theres a well-dressed pack of dogs in ohio. hey monica listen is-is phoebe there? i gotta ask her something about the car. +phoebe,"hey, dude!",joey,"hey pheebs! listen, this wooden box keeps sliding out from under the seat. what-what is it?" +phoebe,"oh, come on! yes, remember that time on the frozen lake? we were playing chess, you said i was boring, and then you took off your energy mask and you were cameron diaz! okay, theres a chance this may have been a dream.",joey,hey-hey! stanley! hey-hey! youre leading man is here! lets get to work. +stanley,"umm, slight change of plans. weve shut down.",joey,wh-what?! why?! +stanley,"its a money thing, we dont have any.",joey,youre kidding right? +stanley,no.,joey,what?! +stanley,"it-its probably just temporary. were hoping to get some more money soon, so if could just uh, hang out.",joey,"uh, hang out?! how long?" +stanley,"i dont know. a week? maybe two? the money will turn up! people will always wanna invest in movies! hey, youre not rich are ya?",joey,no! +the grip,"hey pal, are you joey tribbiani?",joey,yeah. +the grip,these got left for ya.,joey,thanks. congratulations on your big break. +monica,hello?,joey,"hey monica, its joey!" +monica,"hey joey! aww, you remembered even though youre a big star!",joey,"aw, come on! itll be years before i forget you!" +monica,"joey, whats it like on a movie set, huh? do you have a dressing room? do you have a chair with your name on it?",joey,"uh, well yeah-yeah, ive got all of that going on. yeah, listen uh, i want you to make sure you tell chandler that he couldnt have been more wrong! uh-oh! i gotta go monica, my uh, my sushis here!" +the husband,okay!,joey,"everybody smile! okay, thanks a lot! enjoy your stay at caesars! we hope its toga-rrific! kill me. kill me now. ending credits" +chandler,maybe you do that next time you get married!,joey,hey! +chandler,hey!,joey,whats going on? +chandler,you know you dont want me to help. you cant have it both ways!,joey,"hey, is this person who decides whether or not you... get a baby?" +monica,"and it has to go perfectly, because if she doesnt like something about us she can keep us off every adoption list in the state.",joey,"hey, maybe i should stop by! she could be a soap opera fan! its very impressive when the little people know a celebrity." +chandler,little people?,joey,celebrity. +monica,it isnt mine!,joey,"well, i guess well never know whose it is!" +laura,"well, im sorry i brought it up. so, are either one of you planning on staying at home with your child...",joey,hellooo? anybody in there order a celebrity? +ross,"i know. (rachel bends down to emma and ross looks over his shoulder again,",joey,"guys? everything ok? its me, joe..." +chandler,"oh, just like i said. that crazy... bert... roaming the halls.",joey,guys!? +monica,keep on roaming bert! we dont want any crazy today!,joey,whats going on? +chandler,"well talk to you later, bert. everythngs fine!!",joey,everything doesnt sound fine! +chandler,what the hell are you doing?,joey,"well, you wouldnt let me in, so i thought you were in trouble." +chandler,"well, were not.",joey,but you called me bert!? thats our code word for danger! +chandler,we dont have a code word.,joey,"we dont? we really should. from now on, bert will be our code word for danger." +monica,"some people dont get him, but i think hes really funny! .",joey,i did not care for that! +chandler,"you have to get out of here. you slept with our social worker and you never called her back and she is still pissed, so she cant see you.",joey,"ok, ok!" +chandler,what?,joey,i forgot my bat. +laura,what are you doing here?,joey,bert! bert! bert! bert! +chandler,i can explain... joey...,joey,"uhm... ok... uhm... well, yeah... you have got some nerve, coming back here. i cant believe you never called me." +laura,excuse me?,joey,"oh... yeah... probably you dont even remember my name. its joey, by the way. and dont bother telling me yours, because i totally remember it... lady. yeah! i waited weeks for you to call me." +laura,"i gave you my number, you never called me.",joey,"no, no! dont try to turn this around on me, ok? im not some kind of... social work, ok, that you can just... do." +laura,"well, im pretty sure i gave you my number.",joey,"really? think about it. come on! youre a beautiful woman, smart, funny, we had a really good time, huh? if i had your number, why wouldnt i call you?" +laura,"i dont know... well, maybe im wrong... im sorry...",joey,"no, no, hey, no! too late for apologies... ok? you broke my heart. you know how many women i had to sleep with to get over you?" +laura,"joey, wait!",joey,"no! i waited a long time, i cant wait anymore..." +laura,"boy, you people are nice... and ive got to say... i think youre going to make excellent parents.",joey,laura! +ross,hey! what are you guys looking at?,joey,"oh, it’s a poster for that world war i movie that i’m in, check it out." +ross,yeah? wow! it looks really violent!,joey,uh-huh! i know. i’m coming soon to a theater near you! i’m in thx! i’m unsuitable for children! +ross,now i cannot wait to see this.,joey,"yeah, yeah, it’s already generating oscar buzz." +phoebe,i started that!,joey,i thought i did! oh hey guess what? the premiere is next week and you’re all invited! +monica,are we gonna take a limo?,joey,sure! why not?! +phoebe,or you can do volunteer work.,joey,hello? +estelle,"joey! it’s estelle! great news, i was able to get you and one guest tickets to your premiere.",joey,one guest? you told me i can have six tickets! +estelle,"well, i sold four of them on ebay. you’ll be sitting next to hotguy372.",joey,oh my god. so that’s it?! i only get to bring one guest? +estelle,"yeah, what time do you wanna pick me up? hello?",joey,did you hear that? i only get one extra ticket to my premiere. so some how i have to pick between you three and ross. +rachel,what-what about me?,joey,you said you didn’t want to go. +rachel,i don’t. but i would still like to be acknowledged. what? just because i’m pregnant you think i’m invisible.,joey,definitely not invisible. +phoebe,"joey, you pick who ever you want. okay? you just listen to your heart. what does it tell you? phoebe, phoebe.",joey,well uh…i think i want to take chandler. +chandler,you really want to take me?,joey,"yeah! yeah! i mean i’m sorry, i wish i can take everybody, but y’know chandler always supported my career. he’s paid for acting classes and head shots and stuff and well this will be my way of paying you back." +monica,"wait a minute, just because he paid for your head shots you’re gonna take him? joey, i don’t think you’re comprehending just how slutty this dress is!",joey,"it’s not just the stuff he paid for, i mean it’s-it’s everything. y’know? he read lines with me. he-he went with me on auditions when i was really nervous, and then he consoled me after i didn’t get parts that i really wanted. you always believed in me man. even, even when i didn’t believe in myself." +chandler,i always knew you were gonna make it. i’m so proud of you.,joey,thanks. that means a lot to me. +phoebe,"mon, maybe one of these guys wants to wear your dress.",joey,i’m gonna go shave. +chandler,this is so exciting! it’s so glamorous! people taking our picture. how do i look?,joey,a little tall. +chandler,what?,joey,"do you mind crouching down a little bit, so that i look taller? there you go." +monica,i’m actually with her on this one.,joey,"i thought i knew who the enemy was, but it was you all along." +chandler,good job joe! well done! top notch!,joey,you liked it? you really liked it? +chandler,"oh-ho-ho, yeah!",joey,which part exactly? +chandler,the whole thing! can we go?,joey,"oh no-no-no, give me some specifics." +chandler,"i love the specifics, the specifics were the best part!",joey,"hey, what about the scene with the kangaroo? did-did you like that part?" +chandler,i was surprised to see a kangaroo in a world war i epic.,joey,you fell asleep!! there was no kangaroo! they didn’t take any of my suggestions! that’s for coming buddy. i’ll see you later. +monica,"oh, okay!",joey,hey! sleeping beauty! +chandler,where have you been?! i tried to call you! i want to talk to you! i still feel so bad!,joey,"oh no, were you upset? did you lose sleep?" +chandler,i’m so sorry.,joey,"uh-huh look, the only reason i can over here was to settle things between us! okay? you’ve done a lot for me and my career, i wanted to pay you back so i took you to the premiere but you missed it! okay, so how much do i owe you?" +chandler,what?!,joey,"give me a number, i don’t want to owe you anything!" +chandler,"you don’t owe me anything, i don’t want you money…",joey,"ah-ah-ah! we’re doing this! okay, now you got me my first set of head shots. right, how much were those?" +chandler,"i don’t know, five hundred dollars?",joey,"okay, five hundred dollars. what else?" +chandler,"well then there was the second set, the infamous booger head shots.",joey,"okay, so that’s another five hundred. five hundred and five hundred, that’s…" +chandler,do you want a calculator?,joey,please! +chandler,here!,joey,"all right, what else?" +chandler,"well uh, there was acting classes, stage combat classes, tap classes…",joey,which we’re still keeping under our hats! +chandler,uh then there was that dialect coach who helped you with that play where you needed a southern accent. which after twenty hours of lessons still came out jamaican.,joey,"what the hell are you talking about, the south will rise again man." +chandler,"yes, money well spent!",joey,"yeah. okay, what else? rent!" +chandler,"okay, two, three years of rent, utilities, food…",joey,"okay. okay, so i’m writing you a check for…so you fell asleep during my movie. big deal right? how do you clear this thing?" +monica,i’ll give you really good odds.,joey,morning! +rachel,"hi! oh, how was your date last night?",joey,pretty good. +rachel,"oh good. ahhh! my god, sorry!",joey,"okay, really good. anyway i gotta go; i’m late for work." +rachel,what-what?! you’re gonna leave this person with me?!,joey,"yeah—hey, don’t worry, she’s a terrific girl. and hey listen, could you do me a favor? when she comes out could you just mention that i’m not looking for a serious relationship; that’d be great." +rachel,why?! what?! are you kidding?!,joey,"just casually slip it in, y’know lay the groundwork. tell her uh, i’m a loner—no! an outlaw! tell her she doesn’t want to get mixed up with the likes of me." +rachel,"y’know what? that’s a lot to remember, can’t i just tell her you’re a pig?",joey,"hey, i’m gonna call her later! honest! oh come on, chandler used to do it! he’d even make the girl pancakes! plus, he’d make extras and leave ‘em for me." +rachel,"well forget it, i’m not telling that girl anything. that is not my responsibility.",joey,"fine! now, where’d we land on those pancakes?" +monica,"good, so do it saturday night because we’re going to dinner with her and clark.",joey,hey! what’s up? +phoebe and rachel,hey!,joey,"hey-hey, who’s your friend? hey!!" +erin,hey joey!,joey,erin! still here! +rachel,"yeah, we ended up spending the day together and had such a great time!",joey,why wouldn’t ya? erin is great! then-then there’s you guys. +erin,bye joey. last night was fun.,joey,"yeah. i’ll uh, i’ll call ya." +phoebe,and call me!,joey,"okay, good to see you again." +erin,bye.,joey,bye-bye. +rachel,bye!,joey,"so, system kinda broke down huh?!" +phoebe,we want you to marry her!,joey,what?!! +phoebe,she is so amazing! you have no idea.,joey,no idea? who do you think brought her here? +phoebe,"joey, she’s so cool. she speaks four languages.",joey,"man, do you know what guys want!" +rachel,"look joey, come on she’s so perfect for you! i mean she’s sweet, she-she likes baseball, and she-she had two beers at lunch.",joey,"my beers?! look you guys, she’s a very nice girl. okay? we had a good time, but i just—i don’t see it going anywhere." +rachel,"yeah, maybe if you gave this girl a chance it would go somewhere.",joey,"look i’m sorry you guys, i-i just don’t think so." +rachel,fine.,joey,"hey, don’t start judging me! huh? you’re the one who’s in love with her assistant! huh? and you, you’re the one having the affair with the guy who keeps the pigeons on the roof!" +ross,"great! because people kept showing up, i think it’s like uh-a thing!",joey,"now hold on a second, fifth floor against that back wall?" +ross,oh for cryin’ out loud!,joey,"all right, so we should go catch our movie." +rachel,well now what’s the rush?,joey,i like to see the previews. the candy. +erin,hey!,joey,hey! +erin,joey.,joey,erin. +phoebe,oh no.,joey,what party? +phoebe and rachel,a birthday party.,joey,who’s birthday party? +phoebe and rachel,allison’s birthday party.,joey,"oh, and how is allison?" +rachel,wait a minute! why don’t you guys do something?!,joey,"yeah, look how that worked out." +ross,"well, fine. fine! if-if i’m the only person with any appreciation of the sanctity of the written word, i’ll go up there and defend it myself! and don’t you follow me!",joey,hey. +rachel,how did it go with erin?,joey,"oh, unbelievable! we had the best time!" +phoebe,"yay!! oh so, you’re not, you’re not mad at us anymore?",joey,"no! no! no! you guys were totally right! this is so much better than the first time we went out. y’know? that was so awkward, we were really nervous." +phoebe,didn’t you sleep together?,joey,"yeah that really calms me down. and! we have so much in common! she loves sandwiches, sports, although she is a met fan, not much of an issue now but if were ever to have kids, well that’s a…" +rachel,"oh my god! listen to you talkin’ about having kids. oh my joey. oh, please don’t get married before i do.",joey,okay. +janice,"oh…wait…you two think of me as family?! oh, i have to ask you something now and be honest; do you want me to sing careless whisper or lady in red?",joey,how can you say that?! the mets have no closer! +erin,what about benitez?,joey,what about game 1 of the series? +erin,what about shut up?,joey,you shut up! i love arguing with her. i’ll be right back. +phoebe,"oh well, i guess italian isn’t one of the four languages you speak.",joey,hey! you wanna go? +erin,"yeah, let’s go.",joey,okay. see you guys later. +rachel,"yeah, see ya.",joey,"hey, thank you so much." +ross,i am very…very sorry.,joey,hey! +phoebe,"so how was, how was your date?",joey,"oh, it was great! i mean we walked all around the village. we went to this ice cream place, split a milkshake, 70/30 but still… and guess what, i’m thinking about taking her upstate to one of those bed and breakfasts." +phoebe,oh really? she said she wants to go away with you?,joey,"no-no-no-no-no! it’s a surprise, but it’s gonna be tricky thought because she said she was gonna be pretty busy at work for a while." +rachel,"jo-joey, look honey we-we need to talk okay? umm, i kinda got the feeling from her today that uh, she’s not lookin’ for a serious relationship.",joey,where are you gettin’ this? +rachel,"well, she told me. she said she’s kinda a loner.",joey,oh. oh. +rachel,joey…,joey,"no hey rach, it’s cool okay? y’know i’m a loner too! right?" +rachel,yeah and honey i promise next time that i will just say good-bye and tell ‘em you’re not looking for a relationship.,joey,"no! no. don’t do that, just next time make sure she really likes me." +rachel,well that too. joey?,joey,yeah? +rachel,do you want some pancakes?,joey,finally! +casey,here you go.,joey,"great! all right, so i’ll call you later." +chandler,hey-hey-hey! who was that?,joey,that would be casey. we’re going out tonight. +chandler,"goin’ out, huh? wow! wow! so things didn’t work out with kathy, huh? bummer.",joey,"no, things are fine with kathy. i’m having a late dinner with her tonight, right after my early dinner with casey." +chandler,what?,joey,yeah-yeah. and the craziest thing is that i just ate a whole pizza by myself! +chandler,wait! you’re going out with kathy!,joey,yeah. why are you getting so upset? +chandler,"well, i’m upset—for you. i mean, having sex with an endless line of beautiful women must be very unfulfilling for you.",joey,what is the big deal? it’s not like we’re exclusive. +chandler,"look, joey, kathy is clearly not fulfilling your emotional needs. but casey, i mean granted i only saw the back of her head, but i got this sense that she’s-she’s smart, and funny, and gets you.",joey,you got all that from the back of her head? +chandler,"all right look, i think it’s time for you to settle down. yknow? make a choice, pick a lane.",joey,who’s elaine? +chandler,i like it in the stern. …of the boat. hello.,joey,"hey, it’s me. listen casey and i were on our way back and had a little car trouble." +chandler,what happened?,joey,"we broke down on the parkway, so i have to walk back and get some transmission fluid. and hey, listen could you please tell kathy that i’ll be there as soon as i can." +chandler,why can’t you tell her?,joey,"‘cause i only have one quarter, and i think my time is about to—" +chandler,joey! joey!!,joey,yeah? +chandler,i thought your time ran out.,joey,"me too, but i guess i do have a couple of more—" +chandler,oh the phone! the phone’s making sounds! hello!,joey,"hey dude, it’s me." +chandler,hey it’s joey!,joey,"listen uh, i’m really sorry, it looks like i’m gonna be stuck here for a while. i got the transmission fluid, but when i went to put it in the car, the transmission wasn’t there!" +chandler,what?,joey,"yeah, it must’ve fallen out a few blocks back. i just figured we hit a dog." +chandler,okay.,joey,"listen uh, could you put kathy on, i wanna apologize." +phoebe,you guys. you suck too.,joey,aww man! i can’t believe i locked myself out again! +chandler,hang on buddy!,joey,oh my god! what happened here? did you do all this? +chandler,i sure did.,joey,why? +chandler,"well, i just thought it’d make me feel good to do something nice for my friend.",joey,"well, you’re amazing." +chandler,oh no-no-no. this is amazing.,joey,"a tv as if it appears from nowhere! that’s the dream! man, how did you afford this stuff?" +chandler,"well, y’know i’m 29. i mean who needs a savings account.",joey,"oh, you are the best friends anyone has ever had." +chandler,"oh, i don’t know.",joey,"oh-no-no-no, you are! you do this, you give me the great advice, and hey listen, i was thinking about what you said yesterday about focusing on one woman, i’m gonna do that." +chandler,you mean with casey.,joey,"no-no-no, i think i’m gonna see how things go with kathy. she’s pretty cool." +chandler,or casey.,joey,"no-no, kathy." +chandler,could be casey.,joey,"no. no, kathy." +chandler,consider casey.,joey,y’know what i think? i think somebody’s got a little crush on casey. how ‘bout i fix you two up? what do you think? +chandler,hey!,joey,hey! samboucha margarita? +chandler,is that a real thing?,joey,"well, we only had samboucha, so it is now." +chandler,"listen ah, joe, i-i need to, i need to talk to you about something.",joey,what’s up? +chandler,"it’s-it’s about kathy. umm, uh, i like her. i like her a lot actually.",joey,you do? +chandler,yeah.,joey,"well, you’re timing couldn’t be better. she’s not my girlfriend anymore." +chandler,what?,joey,"yeah, she broke up with me." +chandler,"oh uh, when?",joey,"just now, after acting class. at first i thought she was doing some kind of scene, that’s why i let people watch." +chandler,"oh man, i am so sorry. are, are you okay?",joey,"well, i’ve been better. but, i’m all right. so you like her huh?" +chandler,"yes, but i-i uh, don’t have too.",joey,"no-no-no, no it’s uh, it’s okay." +chandler,yeah?,joey,yeah. you know why? ‘cause you came to me first. +chandler,"well, i thought that would be the best thing to do.",joey,"but hey, listen just so you know, you might have you’re work cut out for you. ‘cause when i talked to her, i kinda got the feeling that she’s into some other guy. so…" +chandler,"see uh, that’s-that’s actually what i wanted to talk to you about. i-i think i know who the other guy is.",joey,who? +chandler,it’s me. i’m the other guy.,joey,what? +chandler,"yeah, i mean when you were late last night, kathy and i got to talking, and one thing to another and…",joey,and what?! did you sleep with her?! +chandler,no! no! no! i just kissed her.,joey,what?!! that’s even worse!! +chandler,how is that worse?!,joey,i don’t know! but it’s the same! +chandler,"look, i’m sorry! but there’s nothing i can do, i think i’m in love with her!",joey,who cares?! you went behind my back! i would never do that to you! +chandler,"you’re right, i have no excuses! i was totally over the line.",joey,"over the line?! you-you’re-you’re so far past the line, that you-you can’t even see the line! the line is a dot to you!" +chandler,yes. yes! right! and i feel horrible. you have to believe me!,joey,"is that why you bought all this stuff?! well, y’know what i will not watch your tv, i will not listen to your stereo, and there’s a cinnamon raisin loaf in the new bread maker that i’m not gonna eat! you know why?!" +chandler,probably because…,joey,"because it’s all tainted with your betrayal. from now on this apartment is empty for me! and i’m not happy about you either. oh, and just so you know, i made that bread for you." +monica,i was always joanne.,joey,"question. was ah, ‘egg the gellers!’ the war cry of your neighbourhood?" +phoebe,ewww! oh! it’s the mattress king!,joey,booo!! +gunther,"yeah, we’ll see!",joey,"hey, you guys!" +phoebe,hey!,joey,guess what? +ross,what?,joey,i got a gig! +monica,what’s the part?,joey,"well, it’s not a part, no. i’m teaching acting for soap operas down at the learning extension." +all,wow!,joey,"yeah, yeah. it’s like my chance to give something back to the acting community." +ross,y’know your probably not allowed to sleep with any of your students.,joey,i know! +phoebe,"eh, monica it, it feels so weird, yknow, chandler’s your friend... oh! oh my god! aw, all right take this bed, you can make other friends.",joey,"good evening. i’m mr. tribbiani. and i will be teaching acting for soap operas. now um, on my first day as dr. drake remoray on days of our lives, i learned that one of the most important things in soap opera acting is reacting, this does not mean acting again, it means, you don’t have a line, but someone else just did. and it goes like this. thanks, thanks, a lot. oh, by the way, before i forget to work in soap operas some of you will have to become much more attractive. all right, moving right along." +phoebe,hey! ooh! how was teaching last night?,joey,"oh it was great. yeah, you get to say stuff like, ’hey, the bell doesn’t dismiss you, i dismiss you.’" +phoebe,"ooooh, nice.",joey,"oh, and guess what, i got an audition for all my children." +phoebe,"oh, yay!",joey,"yeah, it’s this great part, this boxer named nick. and i’m so, so right for it, yknow, he’s just like me. except he’s a boxer, and has an evil twin." +phoebe,"oh, do i have a middle name. all right monica velula geller. it’s that bedroom there.",joey,"hey, monica bought a bed from the mattress king?" +phoebe,"yeah, so please, please, please, don’t say anything to chandler.",joey,you want me to lie to chandler? +phoebe,is that a problem?,joey,no. +phoebe,"oh, hey, hey nick the boxer let’s see what you got. all right ya, put ‘em up. come on.",joey,"hey, you’re ah, pretty good at this." +phoebe,"yeah, well i had to learn, i was staying at the y and some off the young men weren’t acting christian enough.",joey,ahh! +phoebe,oh! oh! oh!,joey,"okay, great." +phoebe,"wow! and i’m a vegetarian! all right, all right, well i’m sorry, we’ll put some ice on it.",joey,okay. +phoebe,"‘kay, put your head back.",joey,all right. i can’t see. +ross,well mr. big shot is better than ‘wethead’.,joey,"okay, some tricks of the trade. now, i’ve never been able to cry as an actor, so if i’m in a scene where i have to cry, i cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. or ah, or, let’s say i wanna convey that i’ve just done something evil. that would be the basic ‘i have a fishhook in my eyebrow and i like it’ okay, let’s say i’ve just gotten bad news, well all i do there is try and divide 232 by 13. and that’s how it’s done. great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed." +student,"hey, mr. trib.",joey,hey-hey. +student,"guess what, i got an audition!",joey,"awww, one of my students got an audition. i’m so proud." +student,i was wondering if you would consider coaching me for it?,joey,you bet! what’s the part? +student,"look, i just saw my best friends brains smeared across the canvas, that’s not gonna be me, not me.",joey,wow! that was good. that was... tweezers? +student,no.,joey,whoa. that was really good. +chandler,you told him to play the boxer gay!!,joey,"well, i-i might’ve said supergay." +monica,"joey, you’re this guy’s teacher. i mean how could you do this?",joey,"because, monica, the guy’s so good, and i really, really want this part." +ross,excellent!,joey,"there will come a time in each of your careers when you’ll have a chance to screw over another soap opera actor. i had such an opportunity in the recent, present. and i’m ashamed to say that i took it, i advised a fellow actor to play a role, homosexually. yeah, we both auditioned for the part, and uh, as it turned out, they ah, they liked the stupid gay thing and cast him. and now, he’s got a two year contract opposite susan luchhi, the first lady of daytime television, and me, me i’m stuck here teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to even be on tv. i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry. thank you." +jester,"look, it’s like i told you, there’s nothing i can do. you signed for it, monica velula geller.",joey,"all right, jester man, look we wanna see the king." +jester,nobody sees the king!,joey,"oh-ho-kay, i’m talking to the king." +ross,i couldnt possibly eat another bite.,joey,i need something sweet. +rachel,"yeah, you know what we should all do? we should play that game where everyone says one thing that theyre thankful for.",joey,"ooh-ooh, i! i am thankful for this beautiful fall weve been having." +chandler,"thats sweet, joey.",joey,"yeah, the other day i was at the bus-stop and this lovely fall breeze came in out of nowhere and blew this chicks skirt right up. oh! which reminds me, im also" +ross,"oh god, no.",joey,"oh, come on! i wanna hear it! it wouldnt be thanksgiving without chandler bumming us out!" +phoebe,"oh, this life! oh okay no, chandlers is worse.",joey,"man, it must be so cool remembering stuff like that! i dont have any past life memories." +rachel,what?! joey got a turkey stuck on his head?!,joey,"hey, its not like it sounds." +chandler,its exactly like it sounds. thanksgiving 1992,joey,hello? +phoebe,hello?,joey,phoebe? +phoebe,joey? whats going on?,joey,look. +phoebe,oh my god!,joey,i know! its stuck!!! +phoebe,easy. step. how did it get on?,joey,i put it on to scare chandler! +phoebe,oh my god! monicas gonna totally freak out!,joey,"well then help me get it off! plus, it smells really bad in here." +monica,"hey, did you get the turkey basted—oh my god! oh my god! who is that?",joey,its joey. +monica,"well, get it off now!",joey,i cant! it-its stuck! +monica,"okay, i got it. phoebe? all right, you pull. im gonna spread the legs as wide as i can. joey? now is not the time!",joey,sorry! sorry. +chandler,arghhhhhh!!,joey,"it worked! i scared ya, i knew it! ha-ha!" +chandler,im over here big guy.,joey,"yeah, you are! i scared you! present day" +chandler,you did look like an idiot.,joey,"hey, i wasnt the only one who looked like an idiot. all right? remember when ross tried to say, butternut squash? and it came out, squatternut buash?" +ross,"sir limps-a-lot, i came up with that.",joey,youre a dork. +rachel,"oh god. what about you, joe? what would you give up, sex or food?",joey,"uhm... oh... i dont know, its too hard." +rachel,"no, you gotta pick one!",joey,"oh... food. no, sex. food! sex! food! se-i dont know! good god, i dont know, i want girls on bread!" +rachel,"i’m telling you guys, we followed them out to a house in westchester, the went in for like forty-five minutes and then they came out looking pretty happy!",joey,"chandler? forty-five minutes? well, something is not right. i just can’t believe he would do this to monica!" +monica,if only there were a smaller one to clean this one!,joey,"hey, is uhm... is chandler here?" +phoebe,what?,joey,"monica, you understand what we are saying, right?" +chandler,hey!,joey,you son of a bitch! +chandler,yeah im not having an affair. nancy is our realtor.,joey,i knew he couldnt be with a woman for 45 minutes!! +monica,"uhm, she has been showing us houses outside of the city.",joey,what? +ross,oh my god.,joey,shouldnt we all vote on stuff like this?! +ross,"you know what, if you wanna look for a house, thats okay.",joey,"no, no, its not, dont listen to him! im gonna thump you!" +chandler,i know this is really hard and were really sorry.,joey,"is this because i come over here without knocking and eat your food? because i can stop doing that, i really, really think i can!" +rachel,yeah it is.,joey,what the hell are you doin? +monica,every year.,joey,its stuck!!! +phoebe,easy. step. how did it get on?,joey,i put it on to scare chandler! +phoebe,oh my god! monicas gonna totally freak out!,joey,it smells really bad in here. +monica,"hey, did you get the turkey bast-oh my god! oh my god! who is that?",joey,its joey. +chandler,"if you win, we give up the birds.",joey,dah!! +chandler,"but if we win, we get your apartment.",joey,oooooh! +ross,what was monica’s nickname when she was a field hockey goalie?,joey,big fat goalie. +ross,correct. her actual favorite movie is...,joey,weekend at bernie’s. +ross,monica categorizes her towels. how many categories are there?,joey,everyday use. +chandler,fancy.,joey,guest. +ross,two seconds...,joey,"uhh, 11!" +rachel,"y’know what, you are mean boys, who are just being mean!",joey,"hey, don’t get mad at us! no one forced you to raise the stakes!" +chandler,"well, i think, i think ross knows about me and monica.",joey,dude! hes right there! +rachel,you cant move. you just... you just cant.,joey,rachels right. this is where you guys belong. +monica,"well, there you go.",joey,im really sorry you guys. +ross,love you guys.,joey,"you know, im really sorry i wasnt more supportive before." +chandler,"thats okay, we understand.",joey,"and about this nancy thing... if youre not sleeping with her, should i?" +ross,i love this.,joey,a meatball sub? thanks! +monica,enjoy!,joey,what did they say? the end +ross,"hey, there is uncle joey!",joey,hey! +ross,"hey, say something to emma on her 18th birthday!",joey,"18, uh?" +ross,"joey, no!",joey,"what, what!? its for her hot friends!" +ross,when they see this youll be 52!,joey,and starting to think about settling down! +rachel,"hey joey, will you please set this up for people to put emmas presents on?",joey,id love to! yeah! +phoebe,yeah! i wrote emma a song.,joey,"oh, yeah! how was i supposed to know?" +phoebe,"joey, its a birthday party.",joey,"yeah, but for a one-year-old. whats the point... the other day she laughed for like an hour at a cup. just a cup with a picture of elmo on it dressed as a farmer. and hes standing next to this cow and the cow says el-moo! yeah... thats a funny cup!" +ross,theres something you didnt know about your dad!,joey,hey mr. and mrs. geller! let me help you with that. +jack,thank you!,joey,"oh man, this is great, uh? the three of us together again! you know what would be fun? if we gave this present to emma from all of us!" +chandler,im not going to vermont with this monica!,joey,"hey pheebs, you know what? i was thinking... since you wrote a song, maybe i could do something for emma using my talents!" +phoebe,so you’re gonna... hit on her?,joey,"no, no, no! my talents as an actor!" +phoebe,oh!,joey,"you know, i could like maybe... i could do a dramatic reading of one of her books!" +phoebe,or you could stick a fork in an apple!,joey,"hey, i think emma might like it!" +rachel,oh! emma might like what?,joey,"um, my present!" +rachel,what did you get her?,joey,actually we prepared performances. +phoebe,separate performances.,joey,but equally real! +phoebe,"sure, yeah!",joey,o k. +phoebe,are you gonna be embarrassed going up there having nothing prepared?,joey,"hey, i do it every week with three cameras pointed at me and a whole crew waiting!" +rachel,"so, joey, what are you gonna do for us?",joey,i will be doing a dramatic reading of one of emma’s books. +rachel,"oh, ok, which one?",joey,"uh, why, it’s a... one of her favorites, uh, “riding the storm out. coping with post-partum depression” eesh! “love you forever”. love you forever. by robert munsch. published by firefly books. printed in mexico. a mother held her new baby and very slowly rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, and while she held him she sang “i’ll love you forever, i’ll like you for always, as long as im living, my baby you’ll be”. . and while he rocked her, he sang “i’ll love you forever, i’ll like you for always, as long as im living, my baby you’ll be”." +rachel,"oh! believe you me! i am going to bring this cake back, i dont even want it in my home... joey, dont touch it!!",joey,im so confused! +ross,"joey! youre in charge, ok? you make sure nobody leaves!",joey,got it! hey hey hey! where do you think youre going? +chandler,to the bathroom!,joey,"alright, well the rest of you get comfortable, ok, because were gonna be here for a li... wait a minute, there is a window in there!" +chandler,what are you doing? get the hell out of here!,joey,"well, that one did not have emmas face on it." +phoebe,"no, it did not.",joey,no. +judy,"anyway, it was lovely seeing you.",joey,ok! +judy,bye... bye dear.,joey,nighty-night! +judy,nighty-night!,joey,"bye, bye." +phoebe,joey? how could you just let them leave?,joey,"hey, hey, hey, hey! im not gonna mess with jack, hes a great man, he fought for our country." +monica,"no, he didnt! he pretended to be a quaker to get out of korea.",joey,oh! well thats it! hes the last one to go. im locking you guys in. +chandler,"you do know, i can just turn them the other way around, right?",joey,oh! i forgot you used to live here! +estelle,joey! its estelle!,joey,hey! +estelle,"so, how did your audition go today?",joey,what audition? +estelle,the one i told you about last week?,joey,what? you never said anything about an audition! +estelle,let me start over. i just got a call about an audition. i think you can still make it. its down at the astor theatre and you need to have a monologue prepared.,joey,a monologue? i dont have.. i got it. aah! so... im gonna take off! +monica,no! no! lets figure out a fair way to decide whos staying.,joey,"oh! i got it! ok, everyone pick a number from one to ten. alright? whoever gets the highest number gets to go first." +monica,"ok, ten.",joey,"okay, monica picks ten, i call nine! anyone else?" +phoebe,"no, lets just draw straws.",joey,"or.. we could flip a coin, and then multiply the.." +chandler,im begging you stop.,joey,right. +monica,"phoebe, you get the bear, uhm, joey, you get the robot, and chandler and i get the dog. ok, and the race is going to go from here to here. now the one who comes in last, stays!",joey,"ok, ladies and gentlemen, wind your toys!" +phoebe,go! go!,joey,come on robot! +chandler,i bought you. how did i forget that thats all you do?,joey,way to go robot! +phoebe,good job alan!,joey,"hey, good race you guys." +phoebe,"i just felt so bad, missing this. so i just slipped him a little something, you know. as long as im back in five or six hours, it will be alright.",joey,"okay, if ross and rachel ask, ive been here the whole time. the whole time!" +phoebe,"hey, you made it into a bunny.",joey,what is wrong with me. it looked more delicious when it was a penis. +monica,"yep, were gonna meet the lady who could be carrying our baby.",joey,"i cant believe it. when you guys come back, youre gonna have a baby! that is so weird!" +chandler,i can develop a condition in which i talk and talk and no one hears a word.,joey,"but just think, ok? what if everything goes right? what if this woman does pick you guys?" +rachel,"hey, whos phoebe with?",joey,im gonna say someone im gonna have sex with. hey! +phoebe,hey!,joey,so... whos your friend? +phoebe,"oh, thats sarah. no, no. dont you get any ideas, ok? no, im not setting you up with any more of my friends!",joey,"ow, why, why, why?" +phoebe,"because youll date her once, sleep with her and then forget she exists!",joey,"oh, name one friend of yours that i did that with." +phoebe,mandy.,joey,"mandy, uh? uh... really hot blonde, big boobs?" +phoebe,no.,joey,"i know why i dont remember her, huh?" +rachel,do you think im someone else?,joey,"ok, i may not have treated your friends well in the past, but i have grown up a lot, really. honest, rach?" +rachel,"well, believe it or not, its true. when joey and i were together, he was wonderful. he was thoughtful and mature. and for the one week that we went out, he didnt sleep with anybody else!",joey,growth! +phoebe,"fine, ill give you her number.",joey,"ok, thank you. and i promise you i will not forget this one. mandy." +phoebe,sarah!,joey,saraaah. +ross,"really? that would be great. i mean, i have to do something, she kinda teased me about how i dress.",joey,"i can see why, nice shirt!" +ross,youre wearing the same shirt.,joey,stupid gap on every corner! +phoebe,hey!,joey,hey. +phoebe,"oh, my friend sarah had a great time last night.",joey,well... +phoebe,yeah! so youre gonna call this one back?,joey,nope. +phoebe,what are you talking about? sarahs great!,joey,"oh, really? you know what your great friend did? were out to dinner, ok? were getting along, having a really nice time. i was thinking she was really cool. and then, out of nowhere..." +phoebe,"that’s it? that’s why you won’t go out with her again? so, she took some fries, big deal!",joey,"hey, hey, look! it’s not about a few fries... it’s about what the fries represent." +phoebe,what?,joey,all food! +phoebe,"i’m sorry, i can’t believe i set you up with such a monster!",joey,"hey, hey, hey, hey. look. i take a girl out, she can order whatever she wants! the more, the better! all right? just don’t order a garden salad and then eat my food! that’s a good way to lose some fingers!" +rachel,oh no! not me! emma!,joey,joey doesn’t share food! +phoebe,"well, i still think that it’s a stupid reason not to call someone again. you are calling her! and if you need to, just get an extra plate of fries for the table!",joey,"i like that! a sharing buffer! yeah! i’ll order some extra fries! maybe a plate of onion rings. yeah. and a shrimp cocktail. and some buffalo wings. maybe an individual pizza, uh? and some mozzarella sticks. what were we talking about?" +ross,so? what do you think?,joey,i think were not wearing the same shirt anymore!! +ross,yeah! yeah! rachel picked it out for me. she told me to trust her and you know what? im glad i did! i turned quite a few heads on my way over here.,joey,"dude, i really dont think you should be wearing that." +ross,"oh, i see, somebody is afraid of a little competition with the ladies?",joey,looks like someone is the ladies!! +waiter,a garden salad for the lady,joey,"oh, that looks great! good ordering!" +sarah,"mmmh, those fries look delicious.",joey,"oh, i didnt know you liked french fries. help yourself! whats mine is yours." +sarah,"oh wow, are those stuffed clams?",joey,"uuuh.. yes, they are my stuffed clams." +sarah,they are delicious,joey,"you are beautiful, you know that?" +sarah,"oh, that is so sweet..",joey,oh okay.. +sarah,what? what is the matter with you?,joey,"i dont like it when people take food off of my plate, okay?" +sarah,but you just said whats mine is yours?,joey,"well, i didnt mean it!" +sarah,"fine, im sorry, i didnt think it was that big a deal.",joey,"im sorry, im overreacting. okay, its just when it comes to food, i have certain rules, okay, i mean there are things you do..and you now, things.. that you dont do ." +ross,here so this was fun!,joey,"i really am sorry about, you know..before. i just want to make sure you know that i really do like you." +sarah,sure just not as much as clams.,joey,"well, stuffed clams." +waiter,"chocolate torte for the lady, cheesecake for the gentleman.",joey,"uh, excuse me sir, there seems to be some sort of red crap on my cheesecake." +waiter,"yes, thats raspberry coule.",joey,"so stupid, ordering cheesecake, trying to be healthy." +sarah,oh my god!,joey,"oh, all right, ill just have what shes having instead." +sarah,"oh, no! this is work. i should call in. can you excuse me?",joey,"oh yeah, sure. no problem." +sarah,what are you doing? i thought you dont share food.,joey,sure i do. coule? +sarah,"no. if i cant have your clams, you cant have my dessert. this is a two way street.",joey,really? +sarah,really! now this all better be here when i come back.,joey,"yeah, of course. i can control myself." +ross,turns out this sweater is made for a woman.,joey,"so, why are you still wearing it?" +ross,"because its soft... hey, so how was your date?",joey,ooh... not so good. +ross,"well, looks like its just the two of us tonight, huh old buddy?",joey,"yeah, and you know what? we could do a lot worse." +rachel,ooooo!,joey,"hey you guys i’m gonna take off. i just wanted to let you guys know, say goodbye." +ross,rachel said she’d marry you?!,joey,"this isn’t the right room, sorry folks." +chandler,"no, no, ross and rachel will be back soon and then i gotta go to the office am i producing them?",joey,why’re you so tired? +chandler,"couldn’t sleep last night you know, then i started worrying about this big divisional meeting that i have later today, the more i worried about it the more i couldn’t sleep. y’know? i was like, if i fall asleep now i’ll get six hours sleep, but if i fall asleep now i’ll get five hours sleep. not matter what i did i couldn’t fall asleep.",joey,"you know what you should’ve done, you should have told yourself that little story." +rachel,"oh ah! oh my gosh there’s something every mother needs, a giant stuffed gorilla that takes up the entire apartment! what are people think… oh you guys i love it.",joey,hey so where’s ross? +rachel,he’s downstairs getting the rest of the stuff out of the cab.,joey,is he still mad at us? +rachel,"well, you more then me, but he can’t stay to mad at me. i mean, i just had his baby.",joey,that’s not fair! i can’t do that. +rachel,"yeah, i’m not so sure you should be here when he comes up.",joey,"see this is what i was afraid of, i didn’t think i should be here either but somebody said he’d be over it by now." +ross,huh? ooh you mean like a… huh?,joey,"hey. ross, i know you’re pissed at me, but we have to talk about this." +ross,ah actually we don’t.,joey,"fine, fine okay. but i gotta say technically, i didn’t even do anything wrong." +ross,what! you didn’t do anything wrong?!,joey,i said i didn’t technically. +ross,okay let’s put aside that you accidentally picked up my grandmothers ring and you accidentally proposed to rachel.,joey,"look, can i just stop you right there for a second? when people do this i don’t really know what that means. you were saying?" +ross,"and i can even understand that you couldn’t tell rachel, but why couldn’t you tell me, huh? you had all day to and you didn’t.",joey,i know i should’ve. i’m sorry. +ross,i’m gonna go.,joey,"no, come on ross! look, ross, we have to get past this." +ross,give me the bag.,joey,"no, look, i don’t know what else to do. i said i’m sorry!" +ross,joey!,joey,"you should scream at me, or-or-or curse me, or hit me." +ross,i’m not gonna hit you.,joey,"why not? you’ll feel better! i’ll feel better, and you know you want to. i can see it in your eyes." +ross,no i don’t.,joey,a little bit. +ross,no.,joey,little bit. +ross,no!,joey,a little bit more. +ross,give me the bag.,joey,"no, hit me" +ross,give me the bag.,joey,hit me. +ross,"joey, give me the bag.",joey,hit me! +ross,joe i’m not kidding…,joey,"hit me, hit me." +ross,no!,joey,hit me! hit me! +ross,you ducked!!,joey,i’m sorry! it was a reflex! +ross,"oh my god, this really hurts!!!",joey,"i couldn’t help it! when a fist comes at your face, you duck! look!" +ross,what is the matter with you?!?,joey,you were supposed to duck!!! why didn’t you duck? +ross,why don’t we talk about this on the way to the hospital?,joey,"good, good yeah, maybe while we’re there, they can check your reflexes. oops." +chandler,"no no no! look, carol, can i call you carol? wh-why would i when your name is elaine? oh what a great picture of your son, strapping! that’s a picture of your daughter, isn’t it, well she’s lovely. i like a girl with a strong jaw. i’ll call you from tulsa.",joey,"hey, so how is it?" +ross,i broke my thumb.,joey,your thumb? that’s weird. you sure you’re punching right? make a fist. maybe later. ross i feel terrible. +ross,"you know what, you can go, i just have to fill out some forms.",joey,"you, you want me to help you with that?" +ross,"why, does it look like i’m having trouble with my misshapen claw?",joey,"name? i know ross but what’s it short for? you know like, like rossel or rosstepher." +ross,just ross!,joey,"it’s pretty, okay date of birth?" +ross,you know my birthday.,joey,"sure, may...tember." +ross,october 18th.,joey,occupation? dinosaurs. +ross,actually i’m a palian… dinosaurs is fine… the drawing is not.,joey,"alright, who do you want as your emergency contact?" +ross,"ah, rachel i guess.",joey,"okay, relationship, boy this could take a while." +ross,just ah… just put roommate.,joey,"come on, you guys are more then that! i mean, you’re gonna get together right?" +ross,i don’t think that we are.,joey,but you two were supposed to be together. +ross,"well, i thought so too, but then she said she’d marry you.",joey,"come on, ross, that didn’t mean anything! she just had the baby, she was all freaked out about doing it alone, she would have said yes to anybody." +ross,yeah that’s what she said.,joey,so? +ross,so i don’t wanna be just anybody.,joey,wow. +ross,"you know what, it’s, it’s better this way anyway. i mean i don’t know what i was thinking, going down that road again with us. it’s just much easier if we’re just friends who have a kid.",joey,really? +ross,yeah.,joey,and you’re okay with that? +ross,"yes. i mean, it’s what we always planned. and if you have a plan, you should stick to it. that’s why they call them plans. hello? i’m fine.",joey,"hey, for what it’s worth, with rachel i don’t think you’ll ever be just anybody." +ross,hey there you go!,joey,thanks. +monica,got it! got it! got it! got it! got it! got it!,joey,"you know, ah, i’ve been thinking about this and i gotta tell ya, it’s not my fault. it’s a natural instinct." +chandler,"hey, what you guys talking about?",joey,"hey ok great, what would you do if i did this?" +ross,"oh, god. i forgot how hot she was!",joey,hey! +chandler,"so, a professor, uh?",joey,"yeah! she is cool, and shes so smart! her mind is totally acrimonious . thats not how she used it...?" +ross,"yeah, i know the type.",joey,"hey, if you wanna grab a bite before work wed better get acrimonious. no? am i getting close?" +chandler,"oh, yeah! rachel talks too!",joey,who says that wine has to cost more than milk! +charlie,hi!,joey,"come on in, how are ya?" +charlie,im good!,joey,can i offer you a drink? +charlie,"please, ive been crazed all day! i had a meeting with the dean, and my syllabus for summer school is due and im writing the foreword for a friends book...",joey,"uh-oh. i hade a pretty hectic day at work too, today i had to open a door and go ohhhh!" +charlie,so i am just so excited to be here. and i cant wait to start exploring the city!,joey,"hey, if you need a tour guide..." +charlie,"oh, you mean it? that would be so fun!",joey,"yeah, definitely, definitely. ok, what do you wanna see first?" +charlie,"oh, well, we can go see the chronos quartet at the avery fisher hall.",joey,ok! +charlie,and there is a collection of walt whitman letters on display at the public library.,joey,"i know, yeah!" +charlie,"and first, i have to see the met!",joey,"ok, let me stop you right there. the mets suck, ok? you wanna see the yankees." +charlie,"no, no, no, not the mets, the met, singular!",joey,"which one, they all suck!" +charlie,the museum!,joey,i dont think so. +phoebe,"ok, are they listening?",joey,ross! +ross,hi!,joey,i need to talk to you about charlie. +ross,"oh, do you, do you really?",joey,"yeah, im... im kind of having a little problem." +ross,"look, if you dont know what the word acrimonious means, just dont use it!",joey,"no, look, you know charlie, right? shes cool, shes funny, her body is soo..." +ross,get to the problem!,joey,yes. its just that shes so much smarter than all the girls ive ever dated! combined! i dont want her to think im stupid! +ross,are you wearing two belts?,joey,"eh, what do you know!" +ross,you were saying you didnt want to seem stupid.,joey,"right, right, right, well, she wants to go to all this cultural places and i dont know how to talk about that stuff. you gotta help me out!" +ross,"you know, i really dont want to get involved in you guys relationship.",joey,"please, cmon, youre the smartest person i know and i really like this girl, ok, i dont wanna lose her." +ross,fine.,joey,thanks. +ross,"ok. lets see. oh, you should take her to the met!",joey,the metsss! +ross,"oh, no! the met! the metropolitan museum of art.",joey,"oh, thats what she meant! you know, if theyre gonna shorten it, they should call it the muse! you know, short for museum, and avoid all the confusion!" +ross,"yeah, most of it its a place packed with confused angry baseball fans!",joey,"ok, all right, so ill take her to the met." +ross,"yeah, uh, uh, ok, theres this great rare bookstore on madison avenue. you know what? she loves architecture, you know what you should do? you should take a walk down fifth to the saint patricks cathedral and there theres this great little pastry shop that shed love.",joey,"geez, sounds like you should be going on this date!" +ross,but im not! . you know what if youre in the mood for thai food...,joey,"whoa, whoa, whoa! slow down, you go way too fast. ok? just go back to the met, ok?" +ross,ok.,joey,you got to tell me exactly what to do there. +ross,"ok, when you walk in the museum, take the right, thats the antiquities wing. ancient egypt, mesopotamia, up to the byzantine empire.",joey,"whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! so, i walk in the door and make the right" +rachel,damn! i wish i knew if that was right!,joey,note the painterly lines and subtle impasto on this canvas. monet painted quickly and usually outdoors as his elusive subject was light itself. +ross,"now, do you have any idea what you just said?",joey,"no, no, my mouth says the words, my brain is thinking monster trucks!" +ross,"ok now, remember, when you get to the museum, monet is not spelt m-o-n-a-y. i just... i wrote that out phonetically for you.",joey,phonetically? +ross,"yeah, yeah that means... you know? we just... we dont have time for this.",joey,ok. +ross,"ok, but you know what? i gotta say, im really impressed that you were able to memorize all this so quickly!",joey,ah! im an actor! i can memorize anything! last week on days i had to say frontal temporal zygomatic craniotomy. +ross,wow. what does that mean?,joey,no idea! but the guy i said it to dies in the next scene so i guess it means youre gonna get eaten by a bear. +ross,ok! so lets move on to the renaissance?,joey,"ok, caravaggio uses chiaroscuro here to highlight the anguish of the central figure. touch it, its really bumpy! ." +ross,"nah ah! nah ah! no no no! no ad-libbing and dude, you cant touch the paintings.",joey,come on! you... +ross,that was going to be my next argument.,joey,hey! +charlie,hey!,joey,youre ready? +charlie,"yeah, lets go. thanks ross.",joey,"hey ross! that art stuff worked, you hooked me up." +ross,glad i could help man.,joey,"although some of that stuff wasnt where you said it was gonna be, but... i made it work." +rachel,"so, pretty much around the same time that you started telling this story.",joey,hey you guys. +chandler,hey joe what’s up?,joey,"i had to get out of the apartment. janine is like stretching all over the place. y’know, everywhere i look she’s like…" +chandler,i can see why that’s hard to resist.,joey,i like her so much! +monica,"aw, i’m sorry sweetie that she doesn’t feel the same way.",joey,i know. and she’s so sweet. i just wanna feed her grapes and brush her hair. +janine,well they said i should bring someone. do you wanna be my dance partner?,joey,totally! i would love to spend new year’s with you. +ross,bye janine!,joey,did she just ask me out on a date? +rachel,"yeah, but she also invited you and ross. yeah, honey, i’m sorry, but i don’t think that was a romantic thing.",joey,"oh. maybe. but hey i know how i can find out. we’re going to a new year’s eve party, right? so at midnight, i can kiss her. and if she kisses me back, great! y’know? but if she says ‘dude, what the hell are you doing?’ i can say ‘it wasn’t me, it was new years!’" +chandler,oh my god!,joey,"ok, listen i’ve been on sets before, so let me give you a little advice, alright? it’s a show, but we’re just dancing, ok? it’s no big deal. the important thing to remember – stay cool." +director,"uh, yeah. now you guys dance over there, you guys over there, and i want you two right around here, and everyone else spread out.",joey,ross! so when is it gonna air? +janine,hey! you’re a good dancer!,joey,really? +janine,"yeah, well you’d be better if you just loosened your hips a little.",joey,what do you mean? +janine,"that’s it, feel the rhythm. that’s better.",joey,uh-huh. +director,"okay, you’re dancing with that girl over there.",joey,no-no-no-no-no we came together! +director,"i don’t see it. you are dancing with the tall guy over there. tall guy, raise your hand!",joey,"no-no hey buddy, please let me dance with that girl, i really like her and i think i have a shot." +rachel,"yes, okay, oh, by the way, i just gotta say, i think its really nice of you that even after youve moved, you still keep storing that stuff for joey!",joey,hey-hey dancer girl! can i go to the bathroom? i just.. here we go. looking good gellers! +ross,monica! would it?,joey,"hey! tall guy! hey, listen, i wanted to talk to you about that girl that you’re dancing with." +tall guy,"she’s nice, huh? to think i almost brought my wife to this!",joey,"yeah, yeah, okay. uh, look buddy, i came with that girl, and i had this plan to kiss her at the new years countdown – i’m trying to win her over, so i was wondering if.." +tall guy,no i don’t think so.,joey,"oh come on man, you can dance with my partner, she’s real, uh, mellow!" +tall guy,"look, are you dating this girl you came with?",joey,"well, i was hoping after tonight that maybe i could you know…" +tall guy,"no, no. she’s fair game if you ask me, sorry buddy!",joey,"alright, alright, hey y’know fair is fair, if you’re right, you’re right, what can i say, but hey oh no!" +tall guy,"god! what are you, in second grade?",joey,"hey, now you’re the one who wet his pants." +director,what’s going on over here?,joey,"uh, take a look at the guy’s pants! i mean, i know you told us to show excitement, but don’t you think he went a little overboard?" +director,what’s the matter with you? get out of here!,joey,"yeah, take a hike wetpants!" +director,cut!,joey,no! year! happy no year! +phoebe,"oh yes, i see what you mean. that look is priceless.",joey,"home sweet home, huh? nice to, uh, get back to reality. plus we know how the new year’s gonna go off. i guess there’s no reason for all that y2k panic, y’know? anyway, g’night!" +janine,joey.,joey,yeah? +janine,"3, 2, 1. happy new year.",joey,"oh, yoii. what was that for?" +janine,"well, i don’t know tonight when they yelled cut and we didn’t get to kiss, i was really, really, disappointed, and i just, really wanted to kiss you",joey,"really? in the moment, i really wanted to kiss you too. in the moment." +janine,"in the moment, yeah.",joey,but only in the moment. so do ya wanna kiss again? +janine,"sure, new year’s eve is only two weeks away. can you wait?",joey,no. +janine,me neither.,joey,"3, 2," +janine,"joey, you don’t have to count down every time we kiss.",joey,"uh, yeah, okay. except i sorta felt like i needed a couple of seconds to get ready." +ross,"oh, shhh, shh. magic is about to happen.",joey,"vell, eva, veve done some excellent vork here, and i vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear." +all,hey! youre in a play! i didnt know you could dance! you had a beard!,joey,whadja think? +all,...hey! youre in a play! i didnt know you could dance! you had a beard!,joey,"cmon, you guys, it wasnt that bad. it was better than that thing i did with the trolls, at least you got to see my head." +rachel,what is it?,joey,"the estelle leonard talent agency. wow, an agency left me its card! maybe they wanna sign me!" +aurora,we would be me and rick.,joey,whos rick? +monica,what? so you guys dont mind going out with someone else whos going out with someone else?,joey,i couldnt do it. +monica,"good for you, joey.",joey,"when im with a woman, i need to know that im going out with more people than she is." +phoebe,ree! ree! ree! ree! ree!,joey,"uh huh.. uh huh... oh my god! okay! okay, ill be there! that was my agent. my agent has just gotten me a job...in the new al pacino movie!" +monica,"well, whats the part?",joey,can you believe this? al pacino! this guys the reason i became an actor! im out of order? pfeeeh. youre out of order! this whole courtrooms out of order! +phoebe,"seriously, what-whats the part?",joey,"just when i thought i was out, they pull me back in!" +ross,"cmon, seriously, joey, whats the part?",joey,...im his +rachel,"..youre, youre mah mah mah what?",joey,"...im his butt double. kay? i play al pacinos butt. alright? he goes into the shower, and then- im his butt." +monica,oh my god.,joey,"cmon, you guys. this is a real movie, and al pacinos in it, and thats big!" +chandler,"oh no, its terrific, its... its... yknow, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, youve finally been able to crack your way into showbusiness.",joey,"okay, okay, fine! make jokes, i dont care! this is a big break for me!" +monica,"alright, alright, alright...",joey,here. i need to borrow some moisturizer. +monica,for what?,joey,whaddya think? todays the big day! +monica,"oh my god. okay, go into the bathroom, use whatever you want, just dont ever tell me what you did in there.",joey,thank you! +director,"...dammit, hire the girl! okay, everybody ready?",joey,"uh, listen, i just wanna thank you for this great opportunity." +director,lose the robe.,joey,me? +director,that would work.,joey,right. okay. losing the robe. and the robe is lost. +director,"and cut. hey, butt guy, what the hell are you doing?",joey,"well, im- im showering." +director,"no, that was clenching.",joey,"oh. well, the way i see it, the guys upset here, yknow? i mean, his wifes dead, his brothers missing... i think his butt would be angry here." +director,"i think his butt would like to get this shot before lunch. once again, rolling... water working... and action....and cut. what was that?",joey,i was going for quiet desperation. but if you have to ask... +monica,"hey, waitwait, arent you the guy that plays the butt in the new al pacino movie?",joey,nope. +ross,it felt like a big guy moment.,joey,i got fired. +all,oh!,joey,"yeah, they said i acted too much with it. i told everybody about this! now everybodys gonna go to the theatre, expecting to see me, and..." +rachel,"oh, joey, you know what, no-one is gonna be able to tell.",joey,my mom will. +chandler,something so sweet and...disturbing about that.,joey,"yknow, ive done nothing but crappy plays for six years. and i finally get my shot, and i blow it!" +ross,"yeah, i mean... i think when its your shot, yknow, you-you know its your shot. did it... feel like your shot..?",joey,"hard to tell, i was naked." +phoebe,"no, i dont think this was your shot. i mean, i dont even think you just get one shot. i really believe big things are gonna happen for you, i do! youve gotta just keep thinking about the day that some kid is gonna run up to his friends and go i got the part! i got the part! im gonna be joey tribbianis ass!.",joey,yeah? thats so nice! +monica," oh yeah, like im going to let you talk to the queen.",joey,"wow, the parade is really good this year. man those horses can crap." +tv announcer,and heres the float with the stars of the popular daytime soap days of our lives . ,joey,oh my god! +chandler,arent you one of the stars of the popular daytime soap days of our lives?,joey,yeah! i totally forgot im supposed to be there. i cant believe i forgot. i usually write stuff like this on my arm. oh! stupid long sleeves. +chandler,what are you going to do?,joey,i guess im going to have to come up with a really good reason why i wasnt there. the producers are going to be so mad at me. +phoebe,"hey, everybody. happy thanksgiving!",joey,hey happy thanksgiving.. pheebs! +phoebe,"hey, whats going on joe?",joey,i.. i.. i need a good lie. +phoebe,oh okay. how about the whole man walking on the moon thing. you know? you. you could. you could see the strings people!,joey,"no, no, no i need a good lie to explain why i wasnt at a work thing today." +phoebe,"ooh, honey. you stink at lying.",joey,i do not. +phoebe,"oh really. okay. let me ask you something. yesterday at the coffee house, i went to the bathroom and when i came back, my muffin was gone-who took it?",joey,"somebody opened the door to the coffee house and a raccoon came running in, went straight for your muffin and i said hey dont eat that-thats phoebes and he said.. he said.. joey you stink at lying. what am i going to do?" +phoebe,"dont worry, dont worry. well come up with a good lie. ill help you practice it.",joey,"oh great, thatd be great. thank you." +phoebe,"sure, what.. what was the work thing?",joey,"uh.. " +phoebe,pick up grandma at the airport?,joey,oh.. man.. ross and rachels apartment. +amy,oh. thats a funny noise. ,joey,"pheebs, i still need some help here" +phoebe,"oh right, ok um. ok so its not just the lie you tell. but its the way you tell it. . for example if you look down at the ground when youre talking, people know youre lying.",joey,oh.. i dont know why this is so hard for me. you know.. i mean lying is basically just acting and i am a terrfic actor. +monica,"okay, just to be clear comedy with the plates will not be well recieved. ross makes some sort of sound to let us know it hurt.",joey,hey! how come my plates less fancy then everyone elses? do you not trust me with a fancy plate? +monica,"no, honey, its. thats a special plate. see its a game, whoever gets that plate wins.",joey,i cant believe i won. +ross looks down,"no, that that is not what were saying.",joey,yeah hes lying. he looked down. +ross,"sure, monica would have to give her up.",joey,"i lie better then that, right?" +phoebe,its ok. i thought of the perfect lie for you. its easy to remember and doesnt invite a lot of questions. you werent at the parade because you had a family emergency.,joey,"oh, i like that, yeah. wasnt at the parade because i had a family emergency." +phoebe,no! nothing with a raccoon.,joey,"arg... alright, ill take care of it. monica and chandler come through the front door." +monica,oh wait.. what are you doing?,joey,setting the table. +amy,how hard could it be? you do it.,joey,ooh oooh.. +phoebe,oh my god! shouldnt we stop this?,joey,what? are you out of your mind? lets throw some jello on them. +monica starts crying,thank you. it was so beautiful. im going to go to joeys and get the pies.,joey,"actually its not pies, its just pie." +chandler,maybe not even then.,joey,"hey! i did it. i called my producer. i told him i had a family emergency, he totally bought it. thanks for teaching me how to lie pheebs." +monica,bye plates!,joey,"oh, you told her you broke all the plates, huh?" +monica,what? something happened with the plates?,joey,uhm... yeah... this uhm... raccoon came in... +story,shana goldberg-meehan,joey,"hey, you guys, what are you doing tomorrow night?" +chandler,"well, let me see... i-i believe im... yes, falling asleep in front of the tv.",joey,"look, my agent hooked me up with six tickets to a great play." +phoebe,what is it?,joey,its a one-woman play called why dont you like me: a bitter womans journey through life. +phoebe,"i know, i know, we can drive, we can vote, we can work, what more do these broads want?",joey,"you guys are gonna have a great time, i promise!" +ross,what? how come that you dont have to go!,joey,"i wish i could but i just found out that i have to be at work really early the next day, so i cant go, but, you know, take the extra ticket and invite whoever you want." +rachel,"oh, sorry... oops, sorry.",joey,"hey, here you go." +(rachel enters the room and checks the answering machine)jane,"hi joey its jane rogers, cant wait for your party tonight. listen, i forgot your address, can you give me a call? thanks, bye.",joey,hey! +rachel,hey!,joey,whats happenin? +rachel,"yeah, its a real shame you cant make it to that one-woman show tonight.",joey,"oh, id love to, but i gotta get up so early the next day and so, you know me, work comes first" +message,"hi joey, its jane rogers cant wait for your party tonight",joey,stupid jane rogers!! +rachel,you are having a party tonight??,joey,kinda have a... a thing for the days of our lifes people. +rachel,and you werent going to tell us? how did you think you were gonna get away with that?,joey,i do it every year. +rachel,you do that every year??,joey,i didnt have to tell you that!! im stupider than jane rogers!! +rachel,"oh, thats why you got these tickets to that play, to get rid of us??",joey,yeah... +rachel,and last year is that why you sent us to that medieval times restaurant?,joey,yeah... +rachel,"oh! and the year before that, when you set up that nighttime tour of that button factory?",joey,i cant believe you guys went for that one! +rachel,"joey, why wouldnt you invite us to your parties?",joey,"youre fine, ok? but everyone else acts like an idiot around famous people!" +rachel,"well, then so you just invite me...!",joey,"please, i was trying to be nice, youre the worst one!" +rachel,"oh, joey, come on! please, please! let me come, i will behave, i promise! i will behave! please, please, please...",joey,"ok, ok! fine! you can come, but dont tell anybody else. its up on the roof at 8." +phoebe,we know about your party joey.,joey,what party? +monica,the games over! take off your robe!,joey,ok... i mean... +everyone,no!! cover it up!!,joey,nice to meet ya! +monica,i love you!,joey,"hey, thats why i didnt invite you. you have to calm down, alright... go, go get yourself a drink or something..." +chandler,i... i dont know... you seem lovely.,joey,"hey ross, this is one of my co-stars, dirk. dirk, this is my good friend ross." +"(cut to monica holding up her shirt, revealing her bra. an actor stands beside her, holding a pen in his hand.)monica","thats it, just sign right on the bra .",joey,monica! +ross,just some boys gave me their phone numbers.,joey,"ah, let me see! damn, thats a lot of guys! are you a little slutty?" +rachel,i think i am.,joey,"let me see if i approve any of these clowns. this guy wears a rug . this guys canadian . and this guy is in a cult, ok, and it costs you 5,000$ to get to level three and i dont feel any different." +rachel,"why, why, whats wrong with these guys?",joey,"nothing major, its just that, you know, theyre not really good enough for you, and you deserve the best." +rachel,"joey, youre so sweet.",joey,"thats true. but you know what, it doesnt matter because i already know who youre gonna go home with tonight." +rachel,what? really?,joey,"yes, cause we live together, thats a joke!" +rachel,"oh! screw it, i didnt get it!",joey,gotcha. +with help from,darcy partridge,joey,hey!! we are so in luck! treeger said that we could have all this cool stuff from the basement. wait right there. +chandler,"oh no-no-no, i’m, i’m paddling away!",joey,huh?! +chandler,wow! really?! we get all this rusty crap for free?!,joey,"uh-huh. this and a bunch of bubble wrap. and, some of it is not even popped!" +rachel,"hey! umm, do you guys have any juice?",joey,just pickle. +chandler,"i hope you know what i’m giving up for ya, because she’s not just the boss in your office, if you know what i mean.",joey,"yeah-eh-eah! oh-oh, sorry, i-i knew what he meant." +the salesman,"good afternoon, are you the decision maker of the house?",joey,uhhhh. +the salesman,"do you ah, currently own a set of encyclopedias?",joey,"no! no. but ah, try the classifieds, people sell everything in there." +the salesman,"excuse me, i’m sorry, you haven’t said anything for about two and a half minutes, are you at all interested?",joey,yeah-well-yeah! yeah-oh-yeah. come on in. +the salesman,"so, here’s somebody interesting, joey. what do you know about van gogh?",joey,he cut off his ear. +the salesman,and?,joey,i’m out. +the salesman,he painted that.,joey,wow! that’s pretty nice. i thought he cut off his ear ‘cause he sucked. what else you got in there? +the salesman,"let’s see, ahhh… where does the pope live?",joey,"in the woods. no wait-wait, that’s the joke answer." +the salesman,"actually its, vatican city. now ahh, what do you know about vulcanised rubber?",joey,spock’s birth control. +chandler,i’m gonna say this for the last time. would you please just…,joey,wow! there’s a lot i didn’t know about vomit. in a minute. +the salesman,"so, what do you say, joey? you get the whole set of encyclopedias for twelve hundred dollars, which works out to just 50 bucks a book!",joey,"twelve hundred dollars? you think i have $1200? i’m home in the middle of the day, and i got patio furniture in my living room. i guess there’s a few things you don’t get from book learnin’." +the salesman,"well ah, what can you swing?",joey,"how about zero down and zero a month for a long, long time?" +the salesman,"you don’t have, anything?",joey,"you wanna see what i got? okay? i’ve got a baby tootsie roll, a movie stub, keys, a kleenex, a rock, and an army man. hey!" +the salesman,"okay, i-i get the picture. uh, thanks, for your time.",joey,"and a 50. huh, these must be chandler’s pants." +the salesman,"for 50 bucks, you can get one book! what will it be? a? b? c?",joey,"oh, i-i think i’m gonna stick with the v, i wanna see how this bad boy turns out." +chandler,i love you.,joey,wh-what’s going on? +chandler,i think so.,joey,"well, it’s good thing you got out when you did, before she blew up like that vesuvius." +ross,the volcano?,joey,"yeah. and speaking of volcanoes, man are they a violent igneous rock formation." +rachel,what?!,joey,"oh yeah, lava spewing, hot ash, of course some are dormant." +monica,why are you talking about volcanoes all of the sudden?,joey,"well, we can talk about something else. what do you want to talk about? vivisection? the vasdeferens? the vietnam war?" +monica,: hey joey,joey,"hey, this girl wont turn around and i cant tell whether shes hot or not, what do you think?" +monica,: joey i am not going to objectify woman with you but if her face is as nice as her ass woah mamma.,joey,"alright thanks, oh hey have you talked to chandler?" +monica,: yeah he has to stay in tulsa this weekend,joey,how come? +monica,": he has to work, theres some rush on the big ah damn it one of these days im really gonna have to start listening when he talks about his job.",joey,oh why dont you fly out there and surprise him. +monica,: maybe i will go yea will have a second honeymoon at the tulsa romana.,joey,oh and you know what you should bring the black see-through teddy with the attached garters. +monica,: how do you know i have one of those?,joey,didnt till just now. +hayley,excuse me?,joey,i said i think youre hot and now im embarrassed. +hayley,oh i thought you said hi.,joey,"that wouldve been better, ill try that hi im joey." +hayley,im hayley.,joey,look i dont usually ask out women that i meet in coffeehouses +gunther,ha!,joey,gesundheit +hayley,i would love to go out with you.,joey,"really, great, did i actually ask you?" +gunther,ha!,joey,"seriously gunther you should see someone about that cold, if it gets much worse you could die!" +hayley,what a great dinner.,joey,yeah and hey thanks again for letting me having that last piece of cake at the restaurant. +hayley,"your welcome again, im gonna make some coffee can i get you anything?",joey,"do you have any cake? >>> joeys subconscious so this is going pretty good. dinner was nice, got a lot in common. victorias secret huh we even like the same books. oh now theres a scary painting. wait a minute i think ive been scared by that painting before. you know what this whole place look familiar i have definitely been in this apartment i know ive seen this weird plant before awch! it did that the last time. oh my god, ive gone out with this girl before yeah we had sex on this couch and then on that chair and no. no we didnt do it hear which is weird because it seems like a perfectly good place." +rachel,yeah i didnt disguise that very well did i.,joey,hey +rachel,hi,joey,listen to this... i went out with this girl last night and half way through our date i realized i already slept with her. +rachel,so basically youve slept with all the woman in new york and now youre just going around again.,joey,well thats not even the weird part. i dont think she remembered sleeping with me. +monica,: but you dont remember sleeping with her.,joey,"yeah but she should remember sleeping with me i am very memorable, you guys know." +rachel,"what, how do we know, we never slept with you.",joey,and whos fault is that. +monica,": whats the big deal, you forgot, she forgot, maybe you were having an off night",joey,hey! i never have an off night ok although sometimes when im a little bloated i dont feel very sexy but even then im better then most! +rachel,"yeah your both so slutty you dont even remember who youve slept with, youre made for each other.",joey,interesting. all right ill go out with her again and try to get past it oh salt bloaty! +monica,": joey, joey.",joey,what? +monica,: you dont think sharks are sexy do you?,joey,no. wait a minute what was the little mermaid? +hayley,"so it was kind of a shock after 25 years of marriage my parents, a perfect couple getting divorced, i kinda took it the hardest cause i was the youngest.",joey,"uh huh, sure, yeah. how can you not remember me?" +hayley,what?,joey,how could you not remember that we slept together? +hayley,what! when?,joey,i dunno! +hayley,"i really, really think i would remember sleeping with you",joey,"come on, come on, search your brain all right. it was a certain amount of time ago, i was here you were here, we had sex here, here, here not there. anything?" +hayley,no its not ringing any bells.,joey,my god woman! how many people do you have to had been with not to remember any of this? +hayleys roommate,hey hayley youve really gotta fix that doorknob. joey!,joey,"ooooooooooh, i slept with you! and you obviously remember me hey! i still got it. so were good. ill let myself out." +monica,": im very, very drunk right now.",joey,"see ordinarily i would talk to her, but my confidence is shaken did i sleep with her? did i not sleep with her?" +phoebe,"you know maybe this is a wake up call, about your whole dating attitude. your in your thirtys and youve never had a serious relationship and you have never been in a long term relationship, here you go from woman to woman, meaningless experience to meaningless experience never even worrying that it doesnt tern into anything serious.",joey,your right! i love my life! i actually did sleep with her. +chandler,"look out kids, he’s coming!",joey,and i gotta go sell some christmas trees. +phoebe,"have fun. oh wait, no, don’t! i forgot i am totally against that now.",joey,what? me having a job? +phoebe,"no, no, i am against innocent trees being cut down in their prime, and their, their corpses grotesquely dressed in like tinsel and twinkly lights. hey, how do you sleep at night?",joey,"well, i’m pretty tired from lugging the trees around all day. hey, phoebe listen, you got this all wrong. those trees were born to be christmas trees, their fulfilling their life purpose, by, by making people happy." +phoebe,hey.,joey,"hey. what, what are you doing here?" +phoebe,"well, i-i thought a lot about what you said, and um, i realilized duh, all right maybe i was a little judgmental. yeah, oh, but oh...",joey,"look now, phoebe remember, hey, their just fulfilling their christmas...." +phoebe,destiny.,joey,sure. +phoebe,yes.,joey,all right. +phoebe,okay. yikes! that one doesn’t look very fulfilled.,joey,"oh, that’s, that’s ah, one of the old ones, he’s just taking it to the back." +phoebe,"you keep the old ones in the back, that is so ageist.",joey,well we have to make room for the fresh ones. +phoebe,"so, what happens to the old guys?",joey,"well, they go into the chipper." +phoebe,"why, do i have a feeling that’s not as happy as it sounds? no! nooooo!!!",joey,hey! hey!! +ross,"...and these come in the shapes of your favourite christmas characters, santa, rudolph, and baby jesus.",joey,"all right, i’ll take a box of the cream filled jesus’s." +rachel,"i’m training to be better at a job that i hate, my life officially sucks.",joey,"look rach, wasn’t this supposed to a temporary thing? i thought you wanted to do fashion stuff?" +rachel,"well, i’m also sending out.... good thoughts.",joey,"if you ask me, as long as you got this job, you’ve got nothing pushing you to get another one. you need the fear." +rachel,you and your stupid fear. i hate your fear. i would like to take you and your fear....,joey,hey! i got great news! +chandler,"run, joey! run for your life!",joey,"what? rachel, listen, have you ever heard of fortunata fashions?" +rachel,no.,joey,"well my old man is doing a plumbing job down there and he heard they have an opening. so, you want me to see if i can get you an interview?" +rachel,"oh my god! yes, i would love that, oh, that is soo sweet, joey.",joey,not a problem. +rachel,thanks.,joey,and now for the great news. +ross,"what, that wasn’t the great news?",joey,"only if you think it’s better than this... snow-in-a-can!! i got it at work. mon, you want me to decorate the window, give it a kind of christmas lookie." +monica,christmas cookie?,joey,"okay, and ah, this one here is a douglas fir, now it’s a little more money, but you get a nicer smell." +phoebe,"okay but that’s why you have to buy it, so it can fulfil it’s christmas destiny, otherwise there gonna throw it into the chipper. tell him, joey",joey,"yeah, the ah, trees that don’t fulfil their christmas destiny are thrown in the chipper." +guy,i-i think i’m gonna look around a little bit more.,joey,"pheebs, you gotta stop this, i working on commission here." +ross,oh come on! here we go! stand by for mission countdown!,joey,"ten, ten.., nine, nine, nine...., eight, eight, eight... okay, blast off!" +ross,"man, look at all those stars! infinite space. it really, really makes you wonder, doesn’t it?",joey,y’know what else makes you wonder? +ross,huh?,joey,check out the rack on this chick! +chandler,"no, i’m not!",joey,then why are you wearing monica’s jacket? +rachel,oh.,joey,ross! +ross,what?,joey,"come here, check this out!" +ross,what? is it the comet?,joey,"no! no-no. look, there’s a bug stuck in tar right here." +ross,"joey come—i can’t believe—i bring you here to see the bapstein-king comet, one of nature’s most spectacular phenomenon, and all you care about are bugs stuck in tar and-and some woman!",joey,"y’know, there’s two women dude." +ross,show me where?,joey,right-right up here. +ross,joey where’s the pipe that was holding the door open?,joey,"i don’t know! yeah, i do." +ross,joey!,joey,what?! all right—hey! don’t look at me! you’re the one who wanted to come up and look for some stupid burger king comet! +ross,"it’s called the bapstein-king comet, okay? hey! hey! bapstein was a very well respected astronomer!",joey,oh no! no! no! +ross,rachel!! monica!!,joey,come on! +ross,i can’t believe this!!,joey,"all right well, y’know…i guess we know what we have to do to get down." +ross,"yeah, i guess we don’t have a choice. help us! please help us! we’re stuck up on the roof and we can’t get down!!!",joey,ross. i was thinking we could just go down the fire escape. +rachel,okay get your coat! oh! when did you unhook this? nice work!,joey,"all right, it won’t go down any further. it’s stuck." +ross,"ugh. well, we’re just gonna have to jump. yeah. now, we’re gonna have to make sure to land to the right of that patch of ice, okay? not hit the dumpster on the other side and uh, and try to avoid that-that weird brownish red stuff in the middle. so, when you get down there…you go up to the roof and you let me in.",joey,oh whoa-whoa wait a minute! i have to do it?! +ross,"yeah! oh yeah, you’ll be fine! it-it’ll be uh, just like bungy jumping. y’know? but instead of bouncing back up you-you won’t.",joey,what if i smack my head on the concrete? +ross,"well, i’m gonna lie to you joey, it’s a possibility.",joey,"i don’t know ross! i-i tell you what, let’s flip to see who does it, okay? you-you call it in the air, all right?" +ross,"oh, all right. tails! can you-can you see what it is?",joey,no. +ross,"okay. well, you be careful.",joey,"what? no! no ross! no-no! stop! i’m not jumping! okay, look i have an audition tomorrow and i can��t go if i break my leg." +ross,well i’m jumping! i have a son! okay? he won’t have a father if-if i die!,joey,"well all right so, it looks like we’re even!" +chandler,yeah? i hope you’re not thinking about cleaning the living room.,joey,"man, i’m starving! what the hell was i thinking at dinner?! do you want soup or salad? both! always order both!" +ross,"y’know, y’know i’m lookin’ and i don’t think anyone’s home here. i say we just break the window, crawl through, and-and y’know explain later.",joey,yeah? really? no one’s home? +ross,"okay, do-do you have a good grip?",joey,yeah! +ross,"okay, i’m going to start climb down you now.",joey,all right! just hurry up! +ross,okay. now-now-now should i climb down your front so we’re face to face or-or should i climb down your back so we’re-we’re butt to face.,joey,i think face to face. +ross,i would say that.,joey,"face to face, yeah!" +ross,"okay, here i go.",joey,all right. +ross,"i prefer not to answer that right now, i’m still carrying a little holiday weight.",joey,"y’know, when we talked about face to face, i don’t think we thought it all the way through." +ross,so what do you want me to do?,joey,"well, just shimmy down me and drop!" +ross,hi.,joey,hi. +ross,m-maybe i should hang and you can climb down me.,joey,yeah? maybe we should talk about that for a little while! +ross,it’s still looks pretty far!,joey,it’s not that far! just drop! +ross,do not rush me!!,joey,"ross, you should know that my pants are startin’ to come down and i’m not wearing any underwear!" +monica,okay! you get the vacuum cleaner and i’ll get the furniture polish!,joey,hey! +ross,hey!,joey,"listen, do you guys think i have a chance with janine?" +phoebe,"she’s made it pretty clear, it is not going to happen.",joey,"well all right then, i guess i shouldn’t get to excited about the fact that i just kissed her!" +ross,you kissed her.,joey,oh we kissed it up real nice. +chandler,"so you kissed her, so what happened after that?",joey,i came over here to tell you guys. +janine,i gotta go.,joey,okay. +janine,i’m gonna be really late for dance class!,joey,okay. +janine,"okay, now i’m really late.",joey,"okay, i’m all right, okay, but hey, could you just leave your lips?" +monica,bye.,joey,have you kissed her yet? it’s awesome! i could do it forever! y’know what? she-she kisses better than my mom cooks! +monica,"rach, phoebe hates pottery barn.",joey,i hate pottery barn too. they kicked me out of there just because i sat on a bed! +chandler,you took off your pants and climbed under the sheets!,joey,i was tired! +monica,"it’s gotta be one of a kind. y’know like umm, y’know uh, what’s that god awful ceramic fruit bowl she has on her counter?",joey,hey! i made that for her! +chandler,you made pottery?,joey,yeah! i made it of this fruit bowl i found in the garbage. +monica,yeah.,joey,and chandler i can’t believe i let you pay for this one. thanks man. +janine,oh that would be great!,joey,"oh, but hey look, at least let us bring the wine." +monica,"joey, you don’t have too!",joey,nope-op! i insist! you get the wine right? +chandler,"yeah all right. okay, good night guys.",joey,see ya tomorrow! +janine,how are we gonna get out of that one?,joey,what? +janine,i can’t handle two nights in a row with them.,joey,what-what’s wrong with monica and chandler? +janine,"i don’t know, they’re just a little blah!",joey,blah?! +janine,"well y’know, he’s blah, she’s just—she’s very loud for such a small person.",joey,"uh, they’re like my best friends. are you saying we can’t hang out with them? ‘cause that would kinda be a problem." +janine,"no! of course we can still hang out with them. just y’know, not two nights in a row. okay?",joey,i guess. +janine,thank you.,joey,"if you want, i’ll sell my friends and use the money to buy you presents." +monica,hey!,joey,hi! +chandler,"and here is the bottle of wine for you to bring over tonight. you were also going to buy monica flowers but you couldn’t afford it, because you paid dinner last night.",joey,"thanks. thanks, but uh actually it’s just gonna be me again tonight." +monica,what happened to janine?,joey,"oh, she’s uh-uh really sick." +chandler,oh that’s too bad.,joey,"yeah, she’s been in there all day , uh high fever, a nose problem… phlegm! phlegm! phlegm-phlegm-phlegm!" +janine,monica! chandler! i’m really-really sorry about tonight. i don’t know if joey told you; i just couldn’t get out of going to this play. i’m sorry. have a great time.,joey,‘kay! +chandler,"that’s funny, i saw no phlegm.",joey,"no-no, she really is sick!" +chandler,then why-why is she going to a play?!,joey,"uh, y’know, starve a fever, go to a play for a cold." +monica,joey! why is janine not coming over for dinner?!,joey,"well uh, she didn’t want to hang out with you guys two nights in a row. i’m so sorry." +chandler,"well, why does she not want to hang out with us?!",joey,"because she uh, she-she thinks that you are blah and that you, monica, are too loud." +chandler,"and i am not blah, i am a hoot!",joey,"i know! i know! come on, please-please you guys, don’t-don’t be mad. i’m sure she just, she just said that stuff because she was nervous and you guys are like my best friends! y’know? and it was our first date! plus, she’s really sick!" +chandler,"no, you sh—no you said you made that up!!",joey,"i know, but don’t you think the sick thing is way better than the play thing?" +chandler,"eh, they’re both good. i generally just go with, monica’s drunk again.",joey,"come on you guys, come on please-please just give her another chance, huh? she’ll come around i promise." +monica,i do not like that woman!,joey,i can hear you! +monica,i know!!!,joey,hey! +chandler,hey.,joey,"so uh, what are you guys doing?" +chandler,"oh nothing, we’re just talking. y’know, blah-blah-blah.",joey,"look, come on you guys, you said you were gonna try! all right look, i came over here to invite you guys to a movie with me and janine." +monica,"well, i’d like to but, i’m not sure we have time to go.",joey,"ha-ha, very funny—look! i don’t know what to do! i really want you guys to get along. just please come to the movie with us. i mean you owe me!" +monica,we owe you?!,joey,"that’s right! i helped you guys out a lot in the start of your relationship. huh? i helped you guys sneak around for like six months, and i looked like an idiot! and i was humiliated. and i only made 200 dollars!" +monica,we didn’t give you any money!,joey,you don’t think i know that! +phoebe,but at least the apothecary table is real.,joey,"well, this-this-this was great. didn’t everybody have a great time?" +janine,oh good.,joey,"oh well then, good night!" +monica,good night!,joey,"see? eh, wasn’t that fun?" +monica,all right! you and me! let’s go! right now!,joey,all right! all right! enough! enough! enough!! enough! you two go home! i-i-i gotta talk to janine! +monica,you’d better hope i don’t see you in the hallway!!,joey,"all right, uh, we’ve got a little bit of a problem here. these people are my friends; you can’t treat them that way." +janine,"they said stuff to me too, y’know!",joey,"i know! i know! and i’m going to talk to them about it. they mean so much to me. they… they’re like my family. if you guys are gonna be fighting all the time, i-i… i don’t think we can be together. it just, it just can’t work. it can’t. i’m very upset." +janine,"okay. okay. would, would it help if i went over and apologized?",joey,yeah! yeah! that would be very helpful! yeah. +chandler,did you hear that?,joey,"yeah uh, what am i gonna do?" +chandler,"yeah, i’m sorry man. you wanna go watch?",joey,yeah! ending credits +ross,hey!,joey,how ya doin’? +chandler,"hey so, did uh, did she move out?",joey,"pretty much, yeah." +monica,i cannot believe you broke up with her just like that.,joey,"well, when it’s not right, you know it." +chandler,you okay?,joey,yeah! yeah. i’ll be all right. +ross,y’know what would cheer you up?,joey,what? +ross,"i’m giving this lecture on erosion theories tomorrow night, i think you should come.",joey,you’re right! that did cheer me up! +chandler,hi!,joey,hey... hey listen... what do you guys know about investments? +chandler,how come?,joey,"well, im starting to make good money on the show and im thinking... i should probably do something with it." +monica,what do you do with your money now?,joey,"well, i just tape it to the back of my toilet tank. i didnt say that! its in a bank guarded by robots!" +chandler,do you have any ideas?,joey,"uh, yeah... this guy at work got me excited about going in on an emu farm. thatd be kinda cool huh? pitchin in on the weekends, helping to plant the emus..." +monica,joe... emus are birds. you raise them for meat.,joey,yeah! right! people eat birds... bird meat... now do they just fly into your mouth or you go to... you +monica,"joey, i think you should consider something a little less risky. i mean, i think in this market, real estate is your best investment.the fed. just lowered the rates and the interest on your mortgage is totally deductible. thats right, i know some stuff!",joey,"real estate, huh? hmmm..." +catherine,"oh hi, come on in. im catherine, the listing agent.",joey,hi im joey. this is chandler. +chandler,mmm thats enough about you!,joey,is there anything we should know about the apartment? +catherine,"oh... okay, sorry!",joey,"well, you seem pretty insulted by that. what? im not good enough for you?" +chandler,"were not gonna have this conversation again... look at this place. why am i so intimidated by this guy? pretentious art, this huge macho couch. when we know all he does is sit around all day crying about losing monica to a real man! you dont think hes here, do you?",joey,"you know what it is? its a nice place but i gotta see i dont know if i see myself living here. oh, oh, oh, let me see... yeah, i could see it." +chandler,"look at these videos. you know, i mean, who does he think he is? magnum force, dirty harry, cool hand luke... oh my god!",joey,what? +chandler,theres a tape here with monicas name on it.,joey,ooh! a tape with a girls name on it. its probably a sex tape... wait a minute... this says monica... and this is richards apartment... +chandler,"im not gonna watch it... i dont need to watch it... i mean, what good could possibly come from watching? well, we know im gonna watch it.",joey,"hey dude, whats up?" +chandler,"dont judge me, im only human!",joey,did you take that tape? +chandler,"i had to! okay, imagine you were married... and you found a tape of your wife in another guys apartment... wouldnt you need to know what was on it?",joey,i dont know. whom im married to? +chandler,some girl...!?,joey,she hot? +chandler,yeah...!?,joey,how did she get me to settle down? +chandler,"allright, im gonna watch it... i mean look, its probably not even what i think it is... and even if it is... it cant possibly be as bad as what im picturing in my head... can it?",joey,"guess i dont know. my experience: if a girl says yes to being taped... she doesnt say no to much else, i tell ya..." +chandler,then youre gonna have to watch it for me.,joey,what? whoo... what? +chandler,"just for a few seconds, so i can know what it is... please?",joey,"all right, fine... but if i enjoy this, you have only yourself to blame..." +chandler,why am i hearing cheering?,joey,"well its okay, its like... its just a football game." +chandler,football? just football?,joey,"yeah, see... you were all worried for nothing." +chandler,its football... its just football... this is great! this is the first time ive ever enjoyed football... it may be customary to get a beer... what the... what are you doing?,joey,you dont wanna see what i just saw! +monica,that tape was never meant to be seen by... joey i would feel more comfortable if i was having this conversation in private.,joey,"monica, look... i dont think you and i have any secrets anymore... not ready to joke about it yet, okay, i see you later." +ross,"okay, i know i’m not supposed to know, but i do. and i’m so excited for you!",joey,what? what’s going on? +ross,monica’s pregnant!,joey,oh my god! is that why you guys had to get married?! +monica,guys! i’m not pregnant.,joey,ah. slow swimmers? +monica,"oh, about that. joey, you have to change before the party.",joey,i can’t! i-i don’t have any other clothes here. +monica,oh sweet lord.,joey,"i’m sorry! okay? i went down to the gift shop and it’s either this or a bathrobe! look, what’s more important, the way i’m dressed or me being with you on your special day?" +ross,"yes there will. oh guess what, molly gilbert you’ve just been bumped up to table one. and if it’s all right with you i’m gonna take your place at table six—martin clickclocken.",joey,"that’s better, now just bend your arms a little more. there you go. okay, look straight ahead. now this time i want you to really put your ass into it." +mrs. bing,"oh yes, dennis is directing a new broadway show.",joey,"i don’t believe we’ve met, joey tribbiani." +dennis phillips,dennis phillips,joey,"wow, i’ve admired your work for years. you-you’ve done some really amazing stuff." +dennis phillips,"oh, thank you. well if you’ll excuse me, i’m gonna go get myself a drink. be back in a moment.",joey,wow dennis phillips! that’s great! how did you guys meet? +ross,"oh see, before you uh, when you showed it to me you-you held it that way which uh, which was misleading. well i’m… hello.",joey,"chandler. will you see if your mom can give my resume to dennis phillips? ‘cause if i can get in a broadway show then i would’ve done it all, film, television, and theater. the only think left would be radio, and that’s just for ugly people." +chandler,what size shoes do you wear?,joey,"uh, eleven, eleven and a half." +chandler,"great, because my shoes are giving me a little problem on the dance floor, can i borrow the boots from your costume?",joey,"uh, i don’t even really know where i left those. sorry." +chandler,those aren’t eleven and a half.,joey,"okay fine! i’m a seven! all right, i have surprisingly small feet. but the rest of me is good, i’ll show ya!" +chandler,and the world will never know.,joey,hey! did you talk to dennis about me yet? +chandler,"yes, i told him how talented you were. i told him all about days of our lives.",joey,no-no! no! no! you don’t tell a broadway guy that! now he just thinks i’m a soap actor. +chandler,but you’re not just a soap actor. you are a soap actor with freakishly tiny feet.,joey,hey! +ross,i like your bow.,joey,"i’d like to propose a toast. to monica and chandler, the greatest couple in the world. and my best friends. now, my when i first found out they were getting married i was, i was a little angry. i was like, why god? why? how can you take them away from me?! but then i thought back over all our memories together, some happy memories. and-and there was some sad memories. i’m sorry. and-and some scared memories—whoa! eh? and then, and then i realized i’ll always be their friend, their friend who can speak in many dialects and has training in stage combat and is willing to do partial nudity. oh! to the happy couple!" +ross,maybe i should stand on your feet!,joey,"so did you uh, happen to catch my toast up there?" +dennis phillips,"oh my god, that was for my benefit?",joey,"well, i’d like to think there was something for everyone. look, i know you’re casting for this new show…" +dennis phillips,"look umm joey, i-i don’t think you’re quite right for this project.",joey,"oh, see that’s where you’re wrong. whatever it is i can do it. and if didn’t see it up there, just-just try me." +dennis phillips,it’s an all chinese cast. can you be chinese?,joey,"well i’m not proud of this, but…" +ross,i just didn’t see the fast song coming.,joey,"shh. shh. don’t try to talk, we’ll get you up to your room, we’ll soak your feet, you’ll be okay." +mona,that is so sweet!,joey,yeah. +mona,"no, i mean it. there are so few genuinely nice guys out there.",joey,"tell me about it, i feel like i’m holding down the fort all by myself." +mona,it’s joey right?,joey,yeah. +phoebe,that’s a really nice gift. i was thinking of like a gravy boat.,joey,"hey! you guys! check it out, check it out! guess which job i got." +chandler,so what job did you get joe?,joey,"oh, ah, tour guide at the museum. yeah, ross got it for me." +rachel,"well, how can you be a tour guide, don’t you have to be a dinosaur expert or something?",joey,"no, not really. they give you all the information, it’s uh, it’s like memorizing a script. and on your left, you have tyrannosaurus rex, a carnivore from the jurassic period." +ross,"uh actually joey, it’s the cretasous period.",joey,"yeah but, i can pronounce jurassic." +phoebe,yeah,joey,you’re really thinking about having sex with your brother?! +phoebe,"ewww! and oh no! it’s—they just want me to be the surrogate. it’s her-it’s her egg and her sperm, and i’m-i’m just the oven, it’s totally their bun.",joey,huh. +phoebe,yknow you guys were a lot more supportive when i wanted to make denim furniture.,joey,"no, pheebs, listen, if you decide to do this, we’ll be supportive like crazy." +chandler,"all right, all right, i’ll go sleep with my girlfriend. but i’m just doing it for you guys.",joey,"okay, now the mastodon is from the semi-late jurassic period." +smart kid,isn’t the mastodon from the pliocene epic?,joey,"shhh! this is a museum, no talking. right down here, we have a large foot. uhh, and over here we have ross geller. everyone wave ‘hi’ to ross. ross is one of our most important scientists, look at him, hard at work. okay, moving right along. come on." +phoebe,"all right, i’m sorry.",joey,"uhh, do you mind sitting there. i’m-i’m saving this for my friend ross." +tour guide,you mean dr. geller?,joey,doctor? wow! i didn’t know he had a nickname. +tour guide,"oh, he won’t sit here. only the people in the white coats sit over there, and only the people in the blue blazers sit here.",joey,"well, how-how come?" +tour guide,that’s just the way it is.,joey,that’s crazy. +tour guide,"maybe it’s crazy in a perfect world, a world without lab coats and blazers, but you not in a perfect world, you in a museum now. see that scientist in the classes, he and i used to play together all the time in grade school, but now… peter! hey, peter! it’s me rhonda! from ps-129! i shared my puddin’ which you man! i gave you my snack pack! see, he pretend he don’t even here me!",joey,"i-i think everybody’s pretending they don’t hear you. anyway, look, i don’t know about you and your jackets and your separate tables, but ross is one of my best friends, and if i save him a seat, i’m telling you, he will sit in it! ross! ross! over here, man! i-i saved you seat." +ross,"hey, uh, i’m really, really sorry about what happened in the cafeteria today.",joey,"it’s no big deal. hey, y’know, you do what you gotta do. right?" +ross,"but hey, it’s not just me, i mean the scientists and the tour guides never sit together.",joey,whatever. +monica,i eat by myself in the alley because everybody hates me.,joey,"look, ross, really it’s-it’s no big deal. y’know you wear a white coat, i wear a blue blazer, if that means we can’t be friends at work, then so be it. y’know, hey i understand. y’know? hey, when i’m in a play and you’re in the audience, i don’t talk to you, right? so it’s y’know, it’s uh, it’s cool. i’ll see you tomorrow." +ross,"thank you, dr. phillips, but i’m having my lunch at this table, here in the middle. i’m having lunch right here, with my good friend joey, if he’ll sit with me.",joey,i will sit with you dr. geller. +ross,"yknow, we work in a museum of natural history, and yet there is something unnatural about the way we eat lunch. now, i look around this cafeteria, and y’know what i see, i see-i see division. division, between people in white coats and people in blue blazers, and i ask myself, my god why?! now, i say we shed these-these coats that separate us, and we get to know the people underneath. i’m ross! i’m divorced, and i have a kid!",joey,i’m joey! i’m an actor! i don’t know squat about dinosaurs! +ross,"all right, there you go!",joey,"yeah, you hang in there teddy!" +chandler,"still terrified, ill take care of it. no problem.",joey,"hey ross, is uh, is staten island really an island?" +ross,"uh-huh, thats why they call it staten island.",joey,ohhh. i thought it was like long island. +ross,also an island.,joey,"hey, what time is it?" +ross,2:17.,joey,"wow! you realize that weve been throwing this ball, without dropping it, for like an hour?" +ross,are you serious?!,joey,yeah. i realized it about a half-hour ago but i didnt want to say anything cause i didnt want to jinx it. +ross,wow! we are pretty good at this! hey! we totally forgot about lunch!,joey,"oh, i-i, i think thats the first time i ever missed a meal! yeah, my pants are a little loose!" +rachel,"hey, you guys…",joey,hey! +ross,what-what is it?!,joey,what the hell is that?!! +rachel,"its a, its a cat!",joey,"that, is not a cat! {i have to agree with joey on this one.}" +ross,on a cat??!!!!,joey,its not a cat! +ross,"free cats do that too, yknow. {which reminds me, if i might get a little political here, support your local animal shelter. pet shops are not the place to buy dogs and cats from, you get a much better deal from the shelter, plus they probably wont die on you in a week and a half. if you want a leash, go to the pet shop. if you want the dog for that leash, go to the shelter and save its life. now back to regularly scheduled programming.}",joey,its not a cat! +ross,"hey, you wanna get something to eat or uh, do you wanna see how long we can throw this ball back and forth? huh?",joey,"uhh, the ball thing." +ross,yeah?,joey,"hey ross, wouldnt it be great if we could go two straight hours without dropping it?!" +ross,"uhh, yeah it would! lets do it!",joey,okay! +ross,what?,joey,i have to pee. and rachels in the bathroom! +ross,"…now when they found the remains of the mesozoic mastodon they discovered what appeared to be the remains of a paleozoic amphibian in its jaws! how did it get there?! {yknow, sometimes i think the script writers throw in a line like that to try to trip me up. but it wont work. ill always have the last laugh! okay, so maybe im a little deluded, its probably just my spellchecker. but, i must admit i did get mesozoic and paleozoic on the first attempt. yay me! anyhoo…}",joey,"maybe this should be more of a quiet game. {oh, all right! geez, i cant have any fun!}" +monica,hey guys!,joey,hi! +monica,"joey, i left my watch on the counter last night. it was right here, where is it?",joey,i dont know. +monica,"guys, could you please just stop throwing the ball for one minute and just help me find it!",joey,"oh, i dont know…. yeah, cant do it." +ross,"monica, whatever you do, do not drop that ball!",joey,"yeah, we havent dropped it in…" +monica,i dont want a cat!,joey,"oh, dont worry, its not a cat." +chandler,four hours? you guys have been doing this for four hours?,joey,thats right baby. +monica,hes a dropper!,joey,"oh yeah, thats right!" +chandler,oh! oh! thats so hard.,joey,"whoa-whoa you guys, its not a cat!" +monica,come on guys! suck it up! were closing in on ten hours! its gut-check time!,joey,i dont know who made you the boss? all right? we invented this game! +ross,"oh, thank god!",joey,did you get your money back? +phoebe,"yeah. yeah, ill be alright.",joey,"oh hey, here pheebs." +all,yeah! as long as were here! ending credits,joey,man that was great! huh? can you believe how long we threw that ball around? +phoebe,see? vegetarianism benefits everyone.,joey,"hey everybody, look whos here! you remember my grandmother!" +chandler,"so, joey on law & order, you must be very proud!",joey,"chandler, she doesnt understand a word of english." +chandler,"im sorry, i thought you were joeys other grandmother. ive done it again.",joey,"shes my biggest fan. yeah, shes the only one in the family thats believed in me." +rachel,"oh, umm, okay, yeah, ill be, yeah ill be right back.",joey,"wow pheebs, you speak italian?" +rachel,because i lose her stuff!,joey,"okay, see that blind guy right there? im gonna bash his head in later." +chandler,"okay, but there is a big difference. you are a lot hotter than i am.",joey,true story! +rachel,okay that is the one we already have!,joey,"okay, heres my big scene. my big scenes here! oh my god." +monica,what?,joey,"okay, everybody just keep smiling. itll kill my grandmother if she finds out." +chandler,"well, what is it?",joey,"oh, they cut me out of the show." +phoebe,maybe your scenes coming up?,joey,not likely. cause you see that body bag right there +rachel,yeah.,joey,im in it. +phoebe,"this is terrible, what are you going to do?",joey,"i dont know. this little, old lady lives for my career. when they dumped me off of days of our lives she almost died." +phoebe,thats not good.,joey,"no, smile! not that face, smile! everybody smile!" +chandler,"if we keep talking this way, arent we gonna freak her out soon?",joey,"soon, soon, im gonna be on soon. there i am!" +grandma tribbiani,no! sam waterston!,joey,"no-no-no, that-thats me, thats me." +chandler,all guys that are awake. then we go to sleep and then all the guys from the other end of the world wake up and behave the exact same way.,joey,"all right, its another commercial; i still havent told her!" +ross,joey! this is like the last commercial. youve got like ten minutes left!,joey,"i know, i know! what am i going to do? ooh!" +monica,no! you are not gonna run out and leave her here!,joey,"yeah, all right. ooh!" +rachel,yay!,joey,hey! is the show still on? +chandler,almost over man.,joey,look! oh! is that the pope?! +chandler,why am i looking?,joey,"oh, here i am, heres my big scene!" +grandma tribbiani,oh joey!,joey,thats right! +chandler,you couldnt have at least changed your shirt.,joey,"now, i wanna a suitcase filled with 100,000 dollars. choo! choo! choo! filled with $100,000 in small bills, and if i dont get it… choo!! and if i dont get it, im gonna shoot this duck!" +phoebe,oh no!,joey,im comin out! +chandler,ground control to major tom! commencing countdown…engines…on!,joey,"thats uh, scenes from next weeks show. next weeks!" +ross,hm-mmm.,joey,can i see the comics? +chandler,this is the new york times.,joey,"okay, may i see the comics?" +phoebe,"oh come on, they can be in the same room.",joey,"yeah, you shoulda been there last night." +phoebe,why? what happened now?,joey,"well ross was hangin’ out over at our place, rachel comes over to borrow some moisturiser from chandler...." +chandler,"yeah y-you, how hard is it to say something? rachel came over to borrow something.",joey,anyway! her and ross just started yelling at each other. +phoebe,wait. why was he yelling at her? he’s the one who slept with someone else.,joey,"well, i guess he says that because they were on a break when it happened, that she should of forgiven him by now." +phoebe,"yknow i had a dream where ross and rachel were still together, they never broke up. and we were all just like hanging out, and everyone was happy....",joey,i had the same dream! +phoebe,"yeah, and nobody slept with that xerox girl.",joey,"oh, i had the opposite dream." +chandler,"yknow what maybe it’s gonna be okay, i mean it’s been a week.",joey,"yeah, i mean it’s never taken me a week to get over a relationship." +rachel,"oh, it’s okay.",joey,"rach, it’s, it’s ah, it’s not that we don’t want to, really. are we talking models in their underwear?" +rachel,and heels.,joey,"ross, did ask us first, and we set that night aside." +phoebe,"ohhh boy, do i feel bad.",joey,oh yeah. +chandler,oh my god!,joey,you’re smoking again?! +chandler,"hey, shut up!! you’re not my real mom!!",joey,"hey, can you close that window chandler? my nipples can cut glass over here!" +ross,"oh hey, hey, huh, how about this weekend we have a laser disc marathon okay, and maybe a tournament on my new dart board? huh, huh, what do you think? two days of darts, it’ll be great!",joey,it’ll be great for next weekend. +ross,"no, no, no, this weekend guys!",joey,"it’ll be great for next weekend. i mean, it’ll be grrreat." +phoebe,"yknow what, i can stay, i’m gonna stay. ‘cause the last time i went skiing i was to afraid to jump off the chair lift, i just went around and around.",joey,"uh, pheebs we kinda need you to drive us all up there in your grandmother’s cab, but yknow what, i’ll stay." +chandler,"well, then, i might as well offer to stay.",joey,"hey, does anybody else feel bad about ross?" +chandler,well he’s probably mad after you called him this morning to borrow his goggles.,joey,what? mine aren’t tinted. +chandler,"oh, come on, there’s a rest stop right up there! come on, i really have to goooooooooo.",joey,"oh, now i have to go!!" +chandler,"oh, no-no-no-no-no-no!!",joey,what’s going on? +chandler,damn! the tailpipe’s not hot enough to light this!,joey,"relax okay, i-i-i can get this open. anybody have a coat hanger?" +monica,"so, if you’re parents hadn’t got divorced, you’d be able to answer a question like a normal person?",joey,"look, i just need a wire something to jimmy it. oh hey, one of you guys give me the underwire from your bra!" +rachel,what?!,joey,come on! who has the biggest boobs? +monica,please!!,joey,"whoever has the biggest boobs, has the biggest bra, therefore has the biggest wire." +the girls,"no, not getting my bra!",joey,"if you wanna get back in the car, we need the wire, your call." +phoebe,"okay, there.",joey,"thank you phoebe, that is very, very generous." +chandler,"okay, now let’s decide who has the nicest ass.",joey,and there you go! +monica,so the going for help went well?,joey,"oh yeah, smokey joe here got half way to the highway and collapsed." +ross,"oh, you-you’re-you’re one to talk.",joey,"okay, done." +monica,what’s ‘pleh’?,joey,that’s ‘help’ spelled backwards so that the helicopters can read it from the air! +rachel,all right!! fine! fine.,joey,arrrghh!! +chandler,"oh, this is horrible, it’s just horrible.",joey,"guys, do you think we should ask ross to come along?" +monica,here we go again.,joey,"i-i can’t handle this, you guys." +rachel,really joey?,joey,what? +ross,obviously not to joey.,joey,what? +phoebe,"hey! hey! hey! hey!! hey!!! look what you’re doing to chandler!! yeah, look, we know this is really, really hard for you guys. okay? you don’t, all right you don’t have to love each other, okay? you don’t, you don’t even have to like each other much right now. but please, you have to figure out a way to be around each other.",joey,"yeah, and not put us in the middle." +phoebe,"okay. good, all right, let’s get back in the car, ‘cause it’s freezing, and my chest is unsupported.",joey,"oh what, wait, wait a second, i mean, what are we doing? who’s going with who?" +ross,"look, you guys, you guys should go. no, i’m, you, you planned this all out, and i don’t want to ruin it, so you guys should just go.",joey,"come on man, you drove all the way up here." +rach,"joey, would you slow down? theyre not gonna be sold out of papers at one oclock in the morning.",joey,im excited! ive never gotten reviewed before. +ross,yeah.,joey,maybe they do. ive been doin this ten years and i havent gotten anywhere. theres gotta be a reason. +ross,"oh cmon. maybe youre just, uhhh... paying your dues.",joey,"no, no, no, it.. its too hard. its not worth it. i quit." +mnca,"wait, wait, wait, wait, wait one minute. wait a minute. i believe this",joey,"when i was little, i wanted to be a veteranarian, but then i found out you had to put your hands into cows and stuff." +fbob,"hey, do you need me to pick you up?",joey,"no, im alright man. really." +mnca,really? i only had two glasses.,joey,i just had a glass. +phoe,"yeah. oh, oooh, yeah, you know, did you notice how he always starts his stories with, um, ok, i was soooo wasted, or, oh, we were soooo bombed, or, ummm, ooh, ooh, so i wake up, and im in this dumpster in connecticut.",joey,"monica, have you ever been with him when he wasnt drinking?" +chan,hey.,joey,hey. +chan,"ok, i guess this is gonna seem kinda bittersweet now, but... joey, thats who.",joey,"yeah, my agent just called me with an audition for days of our lives!" +mnca,what?,joey,with a man? +rach,what? what is so strange about me having a date?,joey,"what about ross? i mean, are you still mad at him cause he made that list about you?" +estl,"well, theres my favorite client. so tell me darling, how was the audition?",joey,"well, i think it went pretty well. i.. i got a callback for thursday." +estl,"joey, have you ever seen me ecstatic?",joey,no. +estl,"oh, isnt lori a doll?",joey,"oh yeah, yeah, shes great, but... i kinda got the feeling that she was sort of... coming on to me. and i definitely would get the part if i wouldve... you know... if i would have sent the little general in." +chan,hey.,joey,hey. +chan,"whoa, whoa, so im guessing you didnt get the part, or... uh, italy called and said it was hungry.",joey,"well, the parts mine if i want it." +chan,oh my god!,joey,"yeah, if im willing to sleep with the casting lady." +chan,"so, whatre you gonna do?",joey,"well, i guess i could sleep with her... i mean, how could i do that?" +chan,"well, i... ive got a pop-up book that told me everything i need to know.",joey,ive never slept with someone for a part. +chan,its alright. is she good-looking?,joey,"yeah, shes totally good looking. i mean, if i met her in a bar, or something," +chan,"yknow, maybe this isnt such a big deal. yknow, i mean, the way that i see it is you get a great job and you get to have sex. yknow, i mean, throw in a tree and a fat guy and youve got christmas.",joey,"i just... i just dont think that i want it that way though, yknow? i mean, lets say i do make it, alright? im always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talent or because of.. yknow, the little general." +chan,didnt you used to call it the little major?,joey,"yeah, but after denise demarco, i had to promote it." +chan,ill take one. sometimes i like to hold stuff like this and pretend im a giant.,joey,hey. +ross,howd the callback go?,joey,it was unbelievable! i walked in there and she was all over me. +chan,so whatd you do?,joey,"well, i couldnt do it. i told her i didnt want to get the part that way." +ross,good for you.,joey,"but wait, wait, wait. then, after i left her office, she caught up with me at the elevator and offered me an even bigger part." +phoe,so... and?,joey,"soooooo... you are now looking at dr. drake ramore, neurosurgeon, recurring in at least four episodes!" +chandler,hey,joey,hey. so wheres mon? +chandler,"oh, shes at home, putting up decorations for rachels birthday party tonight.",joey,and youre not helping? +ross,"ooh, somebodys getting a little fussy.",joey,"you damn right i am, ive been waiting for a cookie for 7 minutes." +molly,nice to meet you guys .,joey,"yeah, you too." +rachel,and joey?,joey,how do you think shes doing? +rachel,"yeah well what are you, his boyfriend?",joey,"man, i wish i had a nanny like you." +molly,"you mean, when you were a baby.",joey,sure. +rachel,"hey, listen, joey, about molly, i really prefer if you didnt go after her.",joey,why not? +rachel,"because it took us months to find a good nanny and i wouldnt want anything to, you know, drive her away.",joey,"so, what, you think im just gonna sleep with her and never call her again and things are gonna get uncomfortable? yeah, sounds about right." +ross,"come on, there are plenty of other women out thereok? just - just forget about her, ok? just, shes off limits.",joey,"oh, man, why did have to go and say that for? now that you told me i cant have it makes me want her even more!" +ross,"what are you, a child?",joey,yes! +ross,"joey, come on now, for me! please, just-just try to focus your sexual energy on someone else.",joey,fine. +chandler,"where you going, joe?",joey,for a walk. +chandler,oh. you mind if i join you?,joey,"actually, that will be long. you know, i really need to organize my thoughts." +chandler,your thoughts? plural?,joey,"allright, fine, i only have one thought! its about the hot nanny, i gotta see her!" +chandler,"im afraid i cant let you do that, joe.",joey,"now youre telling me i cant see her?? you guys are killing me! shes forbidden fruit! its like ... like shes the princess and im the stable boy ... why are you doing this, huh? did ross tell you not to let me go over there?" +chandler,"yes, as a matter of fact he did, so i cant let you go.",joey,huh. interesting. now there are obstacles. hot nanny and me against the world. this is the kind of stuff great novels are made of. +chandler,great novels?,joey,fine ... mediocre porn +monica,wouldnt kick her out of bed. no more vodka for me!,joey,"hey rach, so can i sing happy birthday to you now?" +rachel,"yeah, sure!",joey,"oh ... happy birth ... oh, see you later" +chandler,"right behind you, big guy!",joey,"so you see, molly, what people dont understand is that acting is a discipline. it takes a lot of hard work." +molly,so where did you study?,joey,"oh, i didnt go to college." +molly,"no, where did you study acting?",joey,molly ... people dont study acting ... +ross,thanx.,joey,will the stable boy never get the princess?? +ross,"what do you think youre gonna do, have sex with her right here on my couch?",joey,"no ... the leather sticks to my ass. you know, this isnt fair. what makes you think that im just gonna sleep with her and then blow her off? huh? cant you guys open your minds to the possibility that i actally like her, and might want something real? look, the truth is, i havent felt this way about anyone since rachel, ok? i didnt think i could ever love again." +ross and chandler,come on! joe!,joey,ok +ross,"ok ... well, uh, joey, i guess we have no problem.",joey,"its like my favorite fairy tale come true! the princess, the stable boy and the lesbian!" +phoebe,"ooh, maybe thats him!",joey,"yeah, theres just one thing that might be kindve a problem. see, i, uh, had to kiss this guy." +ross,"well, hey. youre an actor, i say you just suck it up and do it. or you just do it.",joey,"see after the scene, mr. beatty comes up to me and says good actor, bad kisser. can you believe that, me not a good kisser, thats like, like mother theresa, not a good mother." +phoebe,"well, come on, who cares what that guy thinks. what does warren beatty know about kissing ooh.",joey,"yep, this kiss thing is defiantly a problem, mr. beatty wants to see it again on monday. man, i gotta figure out what im doing wrong. oh, okay, one of you girls come over here and kiss me." +monica,"thats great. you know we dont need to talk about this now. really, i mean this is, is so way, way, way, in the future, im talkin hovercrafts and apes taking over the planet.",joey,"come on, chandler, i want this part soo much. just one kiss, i wont tell anyone." +phoebe,"you know, what i think is so great that you are totally into this person and yet for all you know she could be like 90 years old, or have two heads, or. it could be a guy.",joey,"man, i got this close to him and monica kneed me in the back. whats going on?" +chandler,all right. my husband is sleeping with his secretary. shes married!,joey,"aw, man im sorry . this must be very tough for ya, huh ." +barry,"yeah, what are they gonna say you didnt love me anymore. come on.",joey,"angela? joey tribiani. listen, what are ya doing tonight. i know your seeing that guy i was thinking maybe you could bring him.....hello? hello?" +ross,"all right ive been feeling incredibly guilty about this, because i wanna be a good friend, and dammit i am a good friend. so just, just shut up and close your eyes .",joey,"wow, you are a good friend, course the audition was this morning, and i didnt get it. but that was a hell of a kiss. rachel is a very lucky girl." +ross,"i dont know, but when i spoke to her, she said she had already passed the mucus plug.",joey,do we have to know about that? +monica,"joey, what are you gonna do when you have a baby?",joey,"im gonna be in the waitin room, handing out cigars." +chandler,"oh, ok, cause we never do that.",joey,"shoot! shoot! shoot! shoot, or just fall down. thats good too." +lydia,knick fan?,joey,"oh, yeah." +lydia,"oh, boy, do they suck.",joey,"hey, listen, lady.......whoa." +lydia,"look, look at your man, ewing. nice shot. you know what, he couldnt hit water if he was standing on a boat.",joey,oh yeah? and who do you like? +lydia,the celtics.,joey,"the celtics? ha. they couldnt hit a boat if...wait. they suck, alright?" +lydia,"oh, shut up. you know, its a rebuilding year. you... waah!",joey,"wha? wha..aa? let me get the father. hey, we need a father over here! we need a father!" +lydia,there is no father.,joey,"oh, oh, oh, sorry." +lydia,"ok, thats ok. im fine. im... oh!",joey,"oh, uh, ok. right this way. all the other pregnant women seem to be goin in here." +lydia,"mom, weve been through this. no, im not calling him. i dont care if it is his kid, the guys a jerk. no, im not alone. joeys here. what do you mean, joey who? joey who?",joey,tribbiani. +lydia,"joey tribbiani. yes, ok. hold on. she wants to talk to you. take the phone.",joey,"hi, yeah, its me. oh, no no no, were just friends. yeah, im single. 25. an actor. hello?" +lydia,shes not much of a phone person.,joey,"yeah, so, uh, so, uh, whats the deal with this father guy, i mean, if someone was havin my baby somewhere, id wanna know about it, you know?" +lydia,"hey, knick fan, am i interested in your views on fatherhood? uh, no.",joey,"ok, look, maybe i should just go." +lydia,maybe you should.,joey,"good luck, and uh, take care, huh?" +lydia,"oh, that is so not true.",joey,"oh, it is." +lydia,it isnt.,joey,it is. +lydia,"oh, no.",joey,ew! what is that? something exploded! +nurse,"its just her water breaking. calm down, will you?",joey,"water breaking, what do you mean? whats that, water breaking?" +dr. franzblau,"it really was. there was this great little pastry shop right by my hotel. there you go, dear.",joey,"come on, lydia, you can do it. push! push em out, push em out, harder, harder. push em out, push em out, way out! lets get that ball and really move, hey, hey, ho, ho. lets— i was just—yeah, right. push! push!" +chandler,where have you been?,joey,"oh, just had a baby." +rachel,"yeah, honey, they wouldnt miss this.",joey,relax. youre only at nine centimeters. and the babys at zero station. +rachel,"oh, i know. look at him.",joey,"ben, ben, hey ben. nothing. i dont think thats his name." +phoebe,"oh, look, look, hes closing his eyes. look, hes opening his eyes.",joey,"he doesnt do much, does he?" +chandler,"this is unbelievable. it’s been like a half an hour. if this was a cartoon, you’d be looking like a ham right about now.",joey,"there’s the waitress. excuse me, miss. hello, miss?" +chandler,"all right, now look at her and tell me she doesn’t look exactly like her sister.",joey,i don’t care. phoebe’s phoebe. ursula’s... hot! +rachel,"well, someone was supposed to write rach, take down the lights and put it on the re... frigerate... how long has that been there?",joey,"i went back to riff’s. i think ursula likes me. all i ordered was coffee, she brought me a tuna meltt and four plates of curly fries." +phoebe,"well, i mean, i’m not my sister’s, you know, whatever, and um... i mean, it’s true, we were one egg, once, but err, you know, we’ve grown apart, so, um... i don’t know, why not? okay.",joey,"cool, thanks." +rachel,we’ll try to keep it down.,joey,"phoebe, could you do me a favour? could you try this on? i just wanna make sure it fits." +chandler,"wow, this is serious. i’ve never known you to pay money for any kind of capade.",joey,"i don’t know. i like her, you know. she’s different. there’s uh, somethin’ about her." +phoebe,"alright, could i just ask you one question?",joey,"well, not that it’s any of your business, but, no, we haven’t, okay?" +phoebe,yes! a friend of mine did it and it’s totally legal!,joey,i call it!! +chandler,guys thank you very much but neither of you is marrying us.,joey,does calling it not mean anything anymore?! +rachel,"yeah, i-i-i-i’m funny ben, but i’m not stupid. okay?",joey,"so, did you uh, find anyone to marry you guys yet?" +monica,we’re never gonna find anybody.,joey,well then let me do it! +chandler,joe…,joey,"no-no-no! look, i’ve been thinking about it. i’m an actor right? so i won’t get nervous talking in front of people." +monica,joey look it’s really sweet…,joey,"no-no-no-no look no! i won’t spit, and i won’t stare at monica’s breasts! y’know? everyone knows i’m an ass man!" +monica,that is true.,joey,"yeah and the most important thing is that it won’t be some like, stranger up there who barely knows you. it’ll be me! and i swear i’ll do a really good job. plus, y’know i love you guys and-and it would really mean a lot to me." +monica,it might be kinda cool.,joey,so i can do it? +chandler,yeah you can do it.,joey,"all right!!! okay!! all right! okay-okay, i gotta get started on my speech! oh, wait a minute, internet ministers can still have sex right?" +chandler,yeah.,joey,okay. +phoebe,oh.,joey,oh! my head! oh! oh! +monica,in case it happens.,joey,hey! +chandler,hey!,joey,say hello to reverend joey tribbiani! +monica,you did it! you got ordained?!,joey,"yeah, i just got off the internet! man, there is a lot of porn out there!" +phoebe,"okay, then i must be disoriented.",joey,"anyway, i started working on what i’m going to say for the ceremony, do you wanna hear it?" +monica,yeah!,joey,"now-now, listen this is just a first draft so… we are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that monica and chandler share. eh? it is a love based on giving and receiving. as well as having and sharing. and the love that they give and have is shared and received. and through this having and giving and sharing and receiving. we too can share and love and have and receive." +phoebe,"oh, interesting you should call me that! now that i may never have one!",joey,"okay you guys, i got a little more written. are you ready?" +chandler,yeah. o-okay.,joey,"when i think of the love that these two givers and receivers share, i can not help but envy the lifetime ahead of having and loving and giving and… and then i can’t think of a good word for right here." +monica,how about receiving?,joey,yes! +chandler,"see joe, not that that’s not grrreat! but, one of the cool things about having somebody we know perform the ceremony is that it can be about us! y’know, it can be more personal. you can tell stories about us!",joey,"ooh, like the time you and i went to atlantic city and i made you laugh so hard you threw up your whole steak?! remember?" +chandler,"see joe, we want you to tell stories but y’know, romantic stories. nice stories.",joey,"oh. okay. ooh! ooh! okay, maybe i’ll talk about london! y’know when you two hooked up! only, only i won’t say hooked up. i’ll say, began their beautiful journey…" +monica,there you go!,joey,…by doin’ it. +chandler,joe?,joey,"okay. all right. umm, so uh, so how did it happen? did your eyes meet across the room? and then the next thing y’know you’re in the bathtub together and she’s feeding you strawberries?" +chandler,isn’t that what happened with you and the bride’s maid?,joey,yeah!! i call that london style. +monica,"no that is not what happened with us. well, i was umm, i was really sad that night because this guy that i was ross’s mom.",joey,oh. +monica,"and then chandler was, was really sweet and he consoled me. and well we drank too much…",joey,yeah baby! +chandler,and i was a perfect gentleman and i walked her to her hotel room and said goodnight.,joey,oh. +chandler,but then later that night…,joey,yeah baby! +chandler,joey! joey! joey! j-j-joey-joey-j-joey!,joey,hey! +chandler,hey joe! i was just watching a movie-e-e…,joey,"oh, dude i’m so sorry!" +chandler,no! no! no!,joey,"hey no-no-no-no! it’s cool! it’s cool! i-i’ll only be a second, i’m still with my bride’s maid, i just—where are those condoms you brought?" +chandler,they’re in my bag over there.,joey,ah. +chandler,"uh, could you leave me one?",joey,for just you? +chandler,yeah.,joey,"hey listen, why don’t you come downstairs with me? there’s some really nice girls down there." +chandler,no i-i-i’m fine.,joey,"all right, here you go buddy. go nuts." +monica,"okay, can we change the topic? because it’s really doing nothing for me.",joey,oh… can you imagine if i hadn’t left you that last one? you two might’ve never gotten together. ooh-ooh! could you imagine if i sent that hooker up to the room like i was gonna?! it’s like it was in the stars! +monica,"okay, fine but please don’t be upset! okay? i was really depressed okay? and really drunk! i just wanted something stupid and meaningless. i just wanted…just sex. so, when i…went to your room that night…i was actually looking…for joey.",joey,yeah baby! no baby! +monica,noo!! the point is that is was you that was there that night! it is you that i am marrying! it is you that i feel in love with!,joey,and it is a love that is based on having and giving and receiv— +monica,"chandler, please! do you know how unbelievably glad i am that joey was not there that night?!",joey,"hey! now i’m a man of the cloth, but i still have feelings!" +chandler,look there is no way you’re doing this wedding now. okay?,joey,"what?! that’s not fair! it’s not my fault! i was off with my bride’s maid! and who’s to say i would’ve even said yes?! i mean i would’ve said yes. chandler look y-y-you are making way to big a deal out of this, all right? look, everything worked out okay!" +chandler,"it is to me. you wanted to sleep with batman, and instead you had to settle for robin.",joey,this is crazy. +rachel,i gotta go!,joey,hey. +chandler,hey. do you want this scone? it came for me but it would probably rather sleep with you!,joey,"chandler, come on nothing even happened!" +chandler,"look joe, i know you wanted to do the wedding…",joey,"no-hey-no! if you don’t want me to do it, i except that. i don’t care about that. i just…i don’t want you to be upset." +chandler,how can i not be upset? okay? i finally fall in love with this fantastic woman and it turns out that she wanted you first!,joey,"yeah for like a half an hour one night! chandler, she wants you for the rest of her life! you’re so lucky! look what i missed out on by not being there! although you know what? it could never have worked like you guys did, ‘cause you guys are perfect for each other. y’know, we look at you and-and we see you together and it just…it-it fits. y’know? and you just know it’s gonna last forever." +chandler,that’s what you should say.,joey,what? +chandler,when you’re marrying us; that’s what you should say.,joey,really? i can do it? +chandler,i’d love it if you would do it.,joey,hey! +chandler,but those are the words! those exact words!,joey,"well i don’t know remember exactly but, it’s-it’s pretty much about having and giving and sharing and receiving." +rachel,ehhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! my god!!!!!!!!!!! oh my god!!!!!!!,joey,hey! +monica,hey-hey.,joey,so are guys doing okay? +monica,your favorite!,joey,"ho-ho-ho, fried stuff with cheese!" +fat joey,here we go! here we go! here we go! how you doin’? ending credits,joey,here you go. +phoebe,oh my god! this is a six-hour pill! that’s it! i’m out of the woods! ohh! what a relief!,joey,good for you! +chandler,"ehh, youre just liquored up.",joey,"hey, its me! im comin in!" +chandler,"ive had a very long, hard day.",joey,"ahh, im gonna go get some chicken. want some?" +chandler,"ahh, no thanks. no chicken, bye-bye then.",joey,okay. +chandler,"for the last time no! get out! get out, joey!",joey,all right! +chandler,"hey, pheebs!",joey,mornin pheebs! +phoebe,"i have to tell you this story. okay, i was coming over here and this driver…",joey,was his name angus? +phoebe,what?,joey,"oh, he was this cab driver we had in london." +chandler,"uh, the wheatsheaf.",joey,"yeah-yeah-yeah, and they had that beer! that uh…" +all,hey!,joey,"hey, ross, bodingtons!" +ross,yeah!,joey,that was good beer. +ross,ohh…,joey,"yknow, id walk back to london for another frosty one of those bad boys." +ross,"yknow, i think they have those at that british pub near the trade center.",joey,later! +monica,"okay. thats okay. i-i know that youre very upset right now. i know, i know that wasnt about me.",joey,i bet it was about her a little. +rachel,"all right, youre the boss. i guess i gotta do what you tell me.",joey,say that to him and youre golden. +rachel,hey!,joey,"hey, pheebs!" +chandler,"so, thanks for having me over! rach. pheebs.",joey,see ya!! what the hell was that?! +monica,rachel!! come on! let me in!,joey,havin some trouble? +monica,rachel locked the door.,joey,ill kick that door in if you give me a little sugar. +monica,"joey, im in!",joey,all right. good deal. +all,pheebs! hey pheebs!,joey,"uh, okay, pheebs?" +phoebe,yeah?,joey,"umm, yknow how the other day you were talking about how you didnt get to go to london and how you were kinda feeling left out?" +phoebe,yeah?,joey,"all right, well, we felt really bad about that so we decided we should all take a little trip together!" +phoebe,central… park!,joey,"yeah, all of us! all day!" +ross,"hey everybody, pheebs is here!",joey,phoebe! +phoebe,"ooh, atlantic city! oh, thats a great plan! whos plan was that?",joey,mine! +ross,wait! it was my plan.,joey,"nooo, i said we needed a new plan." +ross,"and, i came up with atlantic city.",joey,"which, is the new plan!" +phoebe,"atlantic city, baby! lets roll some bones! hey joey, high-five for rolling bones!",joey,"uh, pheebs, youre leaking?" +rachel,"oh, i’m sorry what?",joey,"all right, i should get going, big day a work. y’know i’m in a coma? today, they do this test on me and it turns out i’m not brain dead." +chandler,so…,joey,"ah-ah-ah mr. smartie pants, it’s just not my character that’s not brain dead. hey, so pheebs, we still on for tonight?" +phoebe,absolutely!,joey,i’ll see you at 8:00. +ross,"hey, y’know what nickname never caught on? the ross-a-tron!",joey,hey! +phoebe,oh! here’s joseph francis!,joey,oh-wha-ho! what are you middle naming me for?! i left you a note! +phoebe,so what?! that doesn’t give you the right to ditch me!,joey,"hey, you can cancel plans with friends if there is the possibility for sex!" +phoebe,"i don’t accept this rule. when me make plans, i expect you to show up. okay, i can’t just be a way to kill time ‘til you meet someone better! y’know boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, but this is for life!",joey,wow! i’m so sorry; i had no idea it would bother you this much. +phoebe,"well, it does.",joey,"okay, can i-can i make it up to you? huh? i’m sorry. how about uh, dinner tomorrow night?! i’ll pay for myself!" +ross,"hey joe, while you’re over there how about another beer for the ross-a-tron?",joey,the ross—is that back?!! +rachel,"momma’s little bakery, chicago, illinois.",joey,awww! mel torme died. +monica,"joey, that paper’s like a year old!",joey,aw! does that mean the sam goody’s sale is over?! +ross,hey.,joey,hey. +monica,"wait a minute, you got ross gellar and guest?! i wasn’t invited and you got and guest?!",joey,"uh-uh, excuse me, i do have to interrupt on ross’s behalf. i-i think the rule applies here y’know, since she has a chance to get on broad back…" +ross,"okay, all right, i’ll take you. i’ll go call joan.",joey,"aww that’s nice. family should be there, huh? this is her wedding, happiest day of her life." +chandler,"i’m full, and yet i know if i stop eating this, i’ll regret it.",joey,hey! +rachel,hey!,joey,what do you got there? +chandler,what are you doing tonight?,joey,huh? uh… +chandler,dude! dude!,joey,"oh! sorry. uh, i’ve got those plans with phoebe, why?" +chandler,"oh really? uh, monica said she had a date at 9:00.",joey,what?! tonight?! +chandler,that’s what monica said.,joey,after she gave me that big speech?! she goes and makes a date with a guy on the same night she has plans with me? i think she’s trying to pull a fast one on big daddy! +the waiter,and for you sir?,joey,"yeah, this slow roasted salmon, just how slow are we talkin’ here?" +the waiter,"it’s uh, it’s already been roasted.",joey,"ohh, then no. maybe i should hear those specials again." +the waiter,actually we’re out of the lobster ravioli.,joey,"oh well, that changes everything! y’know what pheebs?" +phoebe,huh?,joey,"you were right before. i mean, friends are so important." +phoebe,"yeah, i’m very wise. i know.",joey,y’know-y’know what i really want? +phoebe,what?,joey,"is to have a long, long talk. y’know? get joey out on the open road and really open him up." +the waiter,any progress?,joey,yes! i will have the lobster ravioli. +phoebe,"god joey, this is taking forever!",joey,what’s the rush? what? +phoebe,w-w—i just—it’s that—i have—y’know i have-i have an appointment. and it’s very important.,joey,"whoa-whoa, what is it?" +phoebe,well… it’s a date.,joey,"a date?! no, no pheebs you-you must be mistaken, because i know you wouldn’t schedule a date on the same night you have plans with a friend!" +phoebe,"come on joey, don’t make me feel badly about this.",joey,"no, i’m gonna!! that’s right! yeah, you made me feel really guilty about goin’ out with that girl! like-like-like i did something terrible to you! and now pheebs, you’re doing the same thing!" +phoebe,"that—it’s not the same thing! this is totally different! this is with david! remember david, the scientist guy? okay, he’s very special to me.",joey,"okay, well my girl from the other night was special. she was a scientist too!" +phoebe,she was?,joey,"well, she graduated from high school!" +phoebe,"okay, whatever. y’know what? i don’t have time have time to convince you because he’s only here for four hours, and i’m gonna go see him!",joey,fine! +phoebe,yeah!,joey,fine! +phoebe,yeah!,joey,"what are you still doin’ here?! i told you, lobster ravioli!" +phoebe,"okay, now’s not the time joey. all right? you can yell at me tomorrow.",joey,"no! no! no pheebs, i’m not gonna yell at you. i just y’know, started thinking about you and david and i…remember how bummed you were the first time he left. and i just… oh pheebs, come here. are you okay?" +phoebe,no i’m not okay. the only guy i’ve ever been crazy about has gone to minsk and i may never…i may never see him again.,joey,"hey, y’know you could always visit him." +phoebe,"oh right, like they’re gonna let me have a passport.",joey,anything i can do? whatever you need. +phoebe,"well—but—now, if-if you can achieve positronic distillation of sub-atomic particles y’know before he does, then he can come back.",joey,i can give it a shot. +rachel,"hey, come on now!",joey,"all right, what are we havin’? ending credits" +chandler,"yes, and while im doing that, ross has a great computer story for you.",joey,"hey everybody! uh, id like you to meet janine. shes-shes gonna be my new roommate!" +janine,hi,joey,"yeah, shes gonna live with me!" +janine,lecroix. janine lecroix,joey,"i didnt know that! well, what a pretty last name!" +janine,"australia, i just moved here a couple of weeks ago.",joey,from the land down under? i didnt know that either! +janine,im a dancer.,joey,youre a dancer? she-shes a dancer! +janine,"well, i think ill go and unpack.",joey,"oh, hey let me." +monica,"joey, did you even interview this woman before you asked her to move in?",joey,of course i did. +monica,"uh-huh, what exactly did you ask her?",joey,when can you move in? +chandler,"hey, look at all the boxes!",joey,"ugh, i cannot wait to ask her out!" +chandler,"all right, think about it. now remember when you were going out with that girl donna and you guys broke up. remember how horrible it was when you guys bumped into each other at the supermarket?",joey,"oh god, yeah." +chandler,now imagine you live at the supermarket.,joey,okay! +chandler,no-no,joey,"oh, oh, youre right! i dont want that. i cant date her!" +monica,"yeah and you better watch the flirting too, cause you know, in such close quarters, it could be trouble.",joey,"well, thats gonna be tough mon. i mean its hard for me to be around an attractive woman and not flirt." +monica,"hmm, well youre around me all the time and you dont flirt.",joey,you a little sad about that sweetheart? +chandler,"ok, im officially unpacked. thanks for helping me man. joe? well, i guess joey went home. oh and look, theres still one box that i have to unpack.",joey,i gotcha!! +chandler,oh my god! you-almost-gave-me-a-heart-attack.,joey,"boy, it was so hard not to laugh, i tell ya. hey, hey, the place looks great!" +chandler,"yeah, not bad right? you know what, monica’s gonna be working late, so im gonna make this place spotless. you know what else im gonna do, know what else im gonna do? im gonna go downstairs, im gonna get her some flowers. now who wouldnt wanna live with me?",joey,"i dont! no, i wanna live with the super-hot australian dancer." +chandler,"yeah, now hows that going though? are you okay with the not-flirting thing?",joey,"yeah. well, so far yeah. but its tough you know? i got all this built up flirting energy and i dont know how to get rid of it. how you doin?" +janine,"sorry, theres just more room out here.",joey,"no-no-no-no-no, its-its uh, you just uh, uh reminded me that uh, i need to do my stretches too." +janine,whats wrong?,joey,uh-uh nothing. i-i-i-i didnt want you to touch me cause im -im all sweaty from the workout. i better hit the shower. oh my god! +chandler,"yes, but the coffee table doesnt match the...blahebdmsdlkhdyslkd;btyds...rooosss!!!!",joey,"look, what am i gonna do? im not flirting but still, im drawing her to me like - like a moth to a flame! what the hells going on over here?!?!? monicas gonna kill you! look i need your help, i have to do something to-to repel this woman! wait a minute, wait a minute, you guys repel women all the time." +ross,"hey, ive been married 3 times",joey,"no-no-no ive seen it happen, you-you get a rapport going with a woman but somehow you manage to kill it. whats your secret?" +chandler,thats not specific to girls.,joey,"this is great, this is great, what else, what else?" +janine,"hey joey, i got some beer for you.",joey,"uh, dont you mean for whom?" +janine,"sure, listen i was gonna order some pizza, you wanna share one?",joey,"pizza, heh, its not like i never had that before...ba dum bum cheshhh." +janine,is there something wrong?,joey,"all right, all right, lets just get this out in the open okay? youre hot. im lovable. clearly theres a vibe going on between us. but, were roommates and its a huge mistake for us to continue down this road." +janine,joey...,joey,"no, no, no, im telling ya. imagine yourself living in a supermarket and you will understand okay? so the question is, what do we do?" +janine,"well, i dont think there is anything to do. i mean i think youre really sweet, but im just not interested in you like that.",joey,oh! +janine,"no! i mean youre a really nice guy and im happy to be your roommate and your friend, im just yknow, i just dont feel that way about you.",joey,"oh! i see what happened. its because i was trying to repel you. right? believe me, youd feel a lot different if i turned it on." +janine,i dont think so.,joey,"oh, i do. how you doin?" +janine,im ok,joey,what?!?! +janine,what?,joey,oh dear god! +chandler,ba dum bumb cheshhh!,joey,"hey! hey! hey! hey!! none of that, not while youre living under my roof!" +monica,what?!,joey,"look, just because i know about you two, doesnt mean i like looking at it." +chandler,arent you supposed to be at an audition for another hour?,joey,"well, im sorry if im not a middle-aged black woman! and im also sorry if sometimes i go to the wrong audition! okay, look, if i have to pretend i dont know about you two, then you two are gonna have to pretend theres nothing to know about." +chandler,sorry.,joey,i can hear that! +monica,rachels at work.,joey,i can still hear you! +phoebe,hey!,joey,hey! +phoebe,eeeee--ohh!! god!,joey,"argh-argh!! ooh, soft. is this mink?" +gunther,ill take it all.,joey,"hey, ross, youre okay with that?" +phoebe,"oh my god! you got off easy! when my friend silvies husband said someone elses name in bed, she cursed him and turned his thingy green.",joey,"what is he doing? what, emily, thinks rosss furniture has got rachel coodies?" +monica,now calm down joey.,joey,"no! everythings gettin all messed up, yknow? emily wont let ross see rachel, were not gonna stop seeing rachel, hence ross stops seeing us!" +monica,"look, im not happy about this either, but yknow if-if ross says hes happy then were just gonna have to keep our feelings about emily to ourselves. are you cool with that?",joey,"no! but yknow, im an actor, ill act cool." +phoebe,i dont know what im gonna do about this coat.,joey,ill take it! +phoebe,that might work!,joey,"ooh-ooh-ooh, yeah! enh? all right, what do you think?" +ross,"no-no-no, its just a bit sudden. no, its great. okay? im totally on board. i love you too, all righty. bye.",joey,whats the matter ross? +ross,"well, her thought is, and i agree, fresh new furniture, why not a fresh new apartment? her cousin has this great place to sublet, its got a view of the river on one side and columbia on the other.",joey,thats way uptown! thats like three trains away! which is great! i love to ride that rail! +chandler,"now thats so funny, because last christmas i got the gift of space. we should get them together and make a continuum.",joey,"now hes movin? man, what is emily doing to him? ow!! hes not even here!!!" +rachel,"yeah, i-i-i just pulled the tab and i just fogged his yeti ass!",joey,"uhh, like dark hair, bushy beard?" +rachel,yeah!,joey,"yeah, you fogged danny." +rachel,please! we did not fog danny! whos danny?,joey,"dan just moved in downstairs. yeah, he just got back from like this four-month trek in the andes. nice fella." +ross,"im really gonna miss this apartment. yknow, ben-ben took his first steps right over there.",joey,"ohh. hey, remember when i ran into this thing and it kinda knocked me out a little?" +ross,"i loved this place! to tell you the truth, i wish i didnt have to move.",joey,"uhh, are you saying that youre not entirely happy about this?" +ross,"well, i mean if uh, if emily gave me a choice…",joey,"you do have a choice!! ross, why are you listening to her?! are you, are you crazy?!" +ross,why?,joey,"its not right what emily wants you to do! she is totally--owww!! stop pinching me! look, now you guys said i only had to keep my mouth shut as long as ross was happy, right? well he just told me that hes not entirely happy." +ross,whats going on?,joey,we all hate emily! +monica,"no, ross, we do not hate emily. we-we just, we just think that youre having to sacrifice a whole lot to make her happy.",joey,yeah! +chandler,"look, we just think that maybe shes being a little unreasonable.",joey,yes! yes! unreasonable! +phoebe,"oh, i know.",joey,i kinda feel like its my fault. +chandler,kind of? if you just kept this to yourself none of this wouldve happened.,joey,"well, im keeping so many things to myself these days, something was bound to slip out!" +ross,yknow what? im really not in the mood.,joey,"look, ross, i feel really bad. i mean, youre going through all this stuff and i just acted like a jerk." +phoebe,youre kinda stepping on the song.,joey,"look, we were way out of line, we totally support you." +phoebe,"okay, lets get some perspective people; its not like im wearing a seeing-eye dog coat!",joey,"hey, yknow ross, i think i kinda understand why i kinda lost it today." +ross,"you do, huh?",joey,"yeah you see umm, well, im an actor. right? so i gotta keep my emotions right at the surface yknow? see what im saying? i gotta lot of balls in the air. yknow what i mean? its tough! guys like me, yknow, you wander around, youre alone…" +ross,what are you talking about?,joey,im not sure. +rachel,"ross, i…",joey,rachel please!!! just have dinner with us!!! +rachel,"okay. okay. joey, its okay. settle down.",joey,"all right, i-im sorry. im sorry. you see rach im an actor…" +monica,"wow, this is so weird. i just realized this might be the last time well all be hanging out together.",joey,its almost as if he knew. +emily,hello everyone. so who am i saying hello too?,joey,"well uh, i dont know about whos here, but i can tell you for damn sure whos not here and thats rachel!!" +emily,no.,joey,i think its going okay. looks like hes smiling. +monica,how can you tell? you can only see the back of his head!,joey,"you can totally tell! here look, watch me. smile! frown. smile! frown. smile!" +all,"why, what happened?",joey,what happened? what happened? +phoebe,"okay, stop tormenting me! this mink! okay, theyre mean! and they hate squirrels! and yknow, okay, most of these probably wanted to be coats! all right, fine, now i get it. here. you take it. are you happy now? im cold!",joey,hey. +rachel,hey.,joey,what are you doing? +rachel,"well, y’know i was thinking of moving the couch over here.",joey,why would you want to do that? +rachel,so that there will be a decent place for me to sit.,joey,"rach, there is a decent place to…" +rachel,and your lap does not count! okay? come on help me move this.,joey,no. no. no. +rachel,no?,joey,no. rosita does not move. +rachel,"i’m sorry, rosita? as in…",joey,as in rosita does not move. +rachel,"joey, it’s just a chair! what’s the big deal?",joey,the big deal is that it is the exact equal distance from the bathroom to the kitchen and it’s at the perfect angle so you don’t get any glare coming of off stevie. +rachel,stevie the tv?,joey,is there a problem? +rachel,"joey, joey i am so sorry.",joey,"i told you not to move it! rach, how would you feel if say, i wanted to move you mom, and you said don’t, and i did it anyway and her head fell off?" +rachel,"okay, come on—joey, i’ll buy you a new one! all right? we’ll go down to the store right now and we’ll-we’ll get you a new chair.",joey,she’s not even cold yet! +rachel,"but don’t you think rosita would’ve wanted you to move on? i mean y’know, she did always put…your comfort first.",joey,that’s true. +rachel,okay? you ready?,joey,"yeah, i… i don’t want stevie to see her like this." +rachel,you will like it!,joey,no i won’t. +rachel,you don’t even know!,joey,"because, i know what i like and what i don’t like! it’s not the same thing!" +rachel,"well look, if you don’t like this…",joey,i don’t know why you say that so soon. +rachel,"come on joey, i just bought you a new chair! the most expensive one in the store! hey, y’know what i was thinking? we could name her francette.",joey,francette? what is she? a couch? +rachel,"joey, the new chair will be here in an hour. maybe we should actually move rosita out of here. y’know, start the heeling process?",joey,"well, i guess you’re right. maybe, maybe i’ll take her down to the incinerator. it’s gonna be so said, and kinda cool. she’s heeled!" +rachel,that’s weird.,joey,"no it’s not weird, it’s a miracle!" +rachel,it’s not a miracle joey! i’m sure there’s some explanation.,joey,"oh there is! if you want something enough and your heart is pure, wondrous things can happen!" +rachel,"joey, i really don’t…",joey,can you tell me how this happened? +rachel,well no.,joey,miracle! +rachel,"no, y’know what? maybe somebody came in here and fixed it! or something!",joey,someone like an…angel? +rachel,"that’s right joey, the chair angel came in and heeled your chair.",joey,get your non-believer ass outta my chair! +rachel,i am so psyched i kept this chair for myself!,joey,"yeah, me too." +rachel,"hey, how’s…how’s the uh, miracle chair?",joey,fine. +rachel,"yeah? wow! y’know, that this thing has speakers in the headrest!",joey,no. really? +rachel,yeah! you can hook it up to your tv and you get radio!,joey,my chair heels itself. +rachel,what? wh-hey!,joey,"well, it looks like it wasn’t heeled after all! yeah! so, i guess this chair is mine now!" +chandler,joey you broke my chair!!,joey,your chair?! +rachel,"yeah, he thought he broke your chair so he switched the chairs!",joey,"so, there was no miracle?!" +rachel,"no joe, no miracle.",joey,oh no this is devastating! my faith is shaken. i’m so glad i have the new chair to get my through this difficult time in my life. +chandler,i think i should get the chair!,joey,how do you figure? +chandler,so joey breaks my chair and i get nothing!,joey,that’s right! +chandler,what are you guys? like a gang or something?!,joey,yeah! we are! +ross,"well, what about me?! i’m a medical marvel!! ending credits",joey,oh yeah. +rachel,ahhhh….,joey,ahhh…… eh? +rachel,hey!,joey,hey! +phoebe,"so, we realize that—oh no… i’m telling it! i’m telling it…",joey,"ha-ha. look—come on, i don’t know what to do…or say." +conan,"but there must be, there must—are a lot of moments over the years where you’re just trying to do your job, something goes wrong.",joey,"hey and, this is a little extra something for y’know, always being there for me." +chandler,hey rach!,joey,oh yeah? then how come i keep— +conan,you could actually see him trying not to fall down.,joey,pheebs! check it out! +courtney,"this particular time when he continued to fall or y’know, try not to fall, i was in the room with matthew and matthew was like, should i do it?",joey,pheebs! check it out! check it out! check it out! check it out! +courtney,he said true or false!,joey,oh! ooh-ooh! +monica,what are you doing?!,joey,you’re still a tiny bit on fire there. +david,"…i keep a straight face he-he delivers like this look, a reaction to you, or a certain take, i-i—i mean i find it so funny.",joey,mornin’ +ross,mornin’,joey,"i mean what kind of an actor, what kind of an actor can’t even say, hmm, noodle soup?" +ross,"i think, subconsciously…",joey,"nope, you lost me." +david,no! come on!,joey,"okay, the next situation is for rachel. the wedding is about to start you walk into the back room and you find monica taking a nap with ross. i’ll be monica. go!" +phoebe,what do i smell?,joey,sorry. +phoebe,what do i smell?,joey,"i don’t know, but it smells good." +ross,nothing.,joey,nothin’. +chandler,whoa! she’s purty!,joey,"oh yeah, and she’s really nice too! she taught me about y’know, how to work with the cameras and smell-the-fart acting." +monica,oh what are doing?!,joey,you’re still a tiny bit on fire there! +chandler,hey joe! you wanna shoot some hoops?,joey,"oh no, i can’t go. i’m practicing; i got an audition to be the host of a new game show." +chandler,that’s great.,joey,"yeah-yeah, and if i get it by day i’ll dr. drake remoray, but by night i’ll be joey trrrribbiani!" +chandler,you’ll be perfect for this! that’s already your name!,joey,but the audition’s in a couple hours and i don’t even understand the game. +ross,well do you want some help?,joey,oh really? that’d be great! you guys can be the contestants! +chandler,"okay, i guess we can lose to junior high girls some other time.",joey,all right! let’s play bamboozled! +chandler,bamboozled?,joey,"yeah, isn’t that a cool name?" +chandler,no!,joey,"all right. uhh, okay. our first contestant is ross geller. why don’t you tell us a little something about you ross?" +ross,"well uh, i-i’m a paleontologist. umm, i-i live in new york. i have a son ben. uh, hi ben! and uh…",joey,"i said a little bit ross. now, how about you chandler?" +chandler,"well joey, i’m a headhunter. i hook up out of work soviet scientists with rogue third-world nations. hi rasputin!",joey,"excellent! let’s play bamboozled! chandler, you’ll go first. what is the capital of columbia?" +chandler,bogota.,joey,"it’s ba-go-ta, but close enough. now, you can either pass your turn to ross or pick a wicked wango card." +chandler,what does a wicked wango card do?,joey,"i should know that. let’s see, just one moment please. umm, here we are, a wicked wango card determines whether you go higher or lower." +chandler,higher or lower than what?,joey,this is embarrassing. +rachel,yes. yes i do.,joey,"all right ross you’re in the lead, would you like to take another question or spin the wheel of mayhem?" +ross,"the wheel has not been my friend tonight joey. uh, i’ll take another question.",joey,"okay, this is gonna be tough. hold your breath." +ross,"it’s okay, i’m ready.",joey,"no dude, you gotta hold your breath until you’re ready to answer the question." +chandler,"this is ridiculous, he’s not gonna hold his breath…",joey,"okay, what do you have a fear of if you suffer from this phobia, tris…holy cow, that’s a big word. trisc… seriously look at this thing. chandler, how do you say that?" +chandler,let me see that.,joey,this one right here. +ross,the fear of triscuts!,joey,"no! no, fear of the number 13." +ross,"it’s possible, they have really sharp edges.",joey,"all right chandler, you’re up." +chandler,"oh come on ross, i think we’re all losers here.",joey,"all right. chandler, you can either spin the wheel or pick a google card." +chandler,let me think. let me think—oh! i don’t care.,joey,you-you must choose mr. bing. +chandler,"either, it makes no difference.",joey,"choose, you jackass!" +chandler,i’ll take a card.,joey,"okay, you picked the gimmie card! you get all of ross’s points!" +rachel,"okay mommy, don’t ever leave me.",joey,"in what john houston film would you hear this line, badges? we don’t need no stinkin’ badges!" +chandler,treasure of the sierra madre!,joey,correct! there’s a possible backwards bonus! +chandler,madre sierra the of treasure!,joey,yes! +chandler,i’d like to go up the ladder of chance to the golden mud hut please.,joey,"wise choice, how many rungs?" +chandler,six!,joey,that noise can only me one thing. +ross,hungry monkey! haaa! i’d like a wicked wango card!,joey,"okay, it’s an audio question, name this television theme song." +ross,shut up! i dream of genie!,joey,"yes! yes, you’re back in the lead!" +chandler,oh come on!!,joey,"all right! all right! uh, umm, super-speedy speed round!" +ross,is there a hopping bonus?,joey,of course! +ross,ben franklin.,joey,correct! which monarch has ruled great britain the longest? +ross,queen victoria.,joey,"correct again! but, you forgot to switch legs between questions, so no hopping bonus!" +ross,noooo!!! every time!!!,joey,"now, over to chandler." +chandler,i’d like a google card.,joey,are you sure? +chandler,yes! no! google!,joey,"oh my god! congratulations ross, because chandler, you’ve been bamboozled!" +man,"hey joey, hi! i’m ray; i’m the producer of the show.",joey,it’s a pleasure to meet you ray. +ray,"and this is duncan and erin, they’re gonna help us out with the audition. so uh, let’s get the camera rolling.",joey,rightie-o ray! +ray,whenever you’re ready.,joey,"hello, i’m joey tribbiani! let’s play bamboozled! erin, you get the first question! in hockey, who is known as the great one?" +erin,wayne gretzky.,joey,"correct! now, would you like to pick a wicked wango card or spin the wheel of mayhem?" +ray,"uh joey, didn’t your agents give you the revised rules? we’ve eliminated all of that. no wheel, no cards.",joey,what—why?! +ray,"uh well, the game was too complicated and research showed people didn’t follow it.",joey,well what’s complicated? you spin the wheel of mayhem to go up the ladder of chance. you go past the mud hut through the rainbow ring to get to the golden monkey; you yank his tail and boom! you’re in paradise pond! +ray,yeah all that’s gone. it’s basically just a simple question and answer game now.,joey,well what’s fun about that? you expect me to be the host of a boring game that’s just people standing around answering questions? +ray,"well, there’ll be women in bikinis holding up the scores.",joey,let’s play bamboozled! +rachel,"i know, i know, i know, i know. i was just thinking about when they were there the last time, im sorry. im sorry, im sorry. ok, ok, look, woah, i promise, im good, im not gonna laugh anymore. ok put your hands back there.",joey,"wow, look at that. the car is on fire, yet somehow its expensive paint job is protected by the miracle wax." +ross,"well uh, you see that, that little cluster of stars next to the big one? that is ursa major.",joey,cool. +rachel,since when?,joey,"since always. its like dating language. yknow, like its not you means it is you." +rachel,and everybody knows this?,joey,yeah. cushions the blow. +chandler,so how does it feel knowing youre about to die?,joey,"warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. but youll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die." +chandler,"hey, that was really good!",joey,thanks! lets keep going. +chandler,"okay. so. whaddya want from me, damone, huh?",joey,"i just wanna go back to my cell. cause in my cell, i can smoke." +chandler,i think this is probably why damone smokes in his cell alone.,joey,what? +chandler,not so much!,joey,whoah! +chandler,hey!,joey,hey! +chandler,alright.. okay. no. give it to me.,joey,"no no no, i am not giving you a cigarette." +chandler,"dont think of it as a cigarette. think of it as the thing thats been missing from your hand. when youre holding it, you feel right. you feel complete.",joey,ymiss it? +monica,"no, no, no. they say its the same as the distance from the tip of a guys thumb to the tip of his index finger.",joey,thats ridiculous! +rachel,good for me!,joey,"yokay, phoebe?" +phoebe,"yes, cause now i have to go down there, and deal with them.",joey,what are you talking about? keep it! +monica,"sgoing pretty good, yknow? its nice, and, were having fun.",joey,so when do we get to meet the guy? +paula,"well, you do realise the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy..",joey,"let it go, ross." +monica,chandler? do you promise to be good?,joey,"you can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside!" +alan,its alan.,joey,chandler! hes here! +the guys,yeah.,joey,know what was great? the way his smile was kinda crooked. +monica,fantastic! i have one question: how is that possible?,joey,alan. +chandler,"so i have a flaw! big deal! like joeys constant knuckle-cracking isnt annoying? and ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? and monica, with that snort when she laughs? i mean, what the hell is that thing? ...i accept all those flaws, why cant you accept me for this?",joey,...does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody? +rachel,"well, i-i could live without it.",joey,"well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when phoebe chews her hair?" +ross,"oh, now, dont listen to him, pheebs, i think its endearing.",joey,"oh, you do, do you?" +monica,"no, hell be fine. its the other five im worried about.",joey,do you have any respect for your body? +phoebe,"and on my way over here, i stepped in gum. ...what is up with the universe?!",joey,whats going on? +monica,nothing. i just think its nice when were all here together.,joey,even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear.. +rachel,"uh, joey..",joey,"oh, god!" +rachel,we didnt change..,joey,so thats it? its over? just like that? +monica,"look, i- i could go on pretending-",joey,okay! +phoebe,that sounds great!,joey,hey! +monica,"umm, excuse me, we switched apartments. you can’t eat are food anymore, that-that gravy train had ended.",joey,there’s gravy? +monica,what are you doing?,joey,i think i left a donut up here. +phoebe,hey!,joey,hey! +chandler,"i’m totally screwed. okay, they are gonna be hot and heavy on stage every night, and then they’re gonna go to their cast parties and he’s gonna try to undermine me. yknow it’ll be like, so where’s your boyfriend, what’s-his-name, chester? and she’ll go, no-no-no, it’s chandler. and he’ll go, whatever. ha-ha-ha-ha!",joey,that-that is a good trick. +chandler,"all right, look, look, what am i gonna do?",joey,"chandler, look they’re actors. they’re there to do a job, just ‘cause they work together, doesn’t mean they’re gonna get together. i mean just ‘cause it happened with susan sarandon and tim robbins, it doesn’t mean it’s gonna happen with them." +ross,"oh-oh, alec baldwin and kim basinger.",joey,tom cruise and nicole kidman. +phoebe,"oh-okay, i get the game now.",joey,"okay look, look, let me ask you a question, when they were doing it on stage, was it like really hot?" +ross,oh yeah!,joey,"well okay, so then you’re fine. the rule is when two actors are actually doing it off-stage all the sexual tension between them is gone. okay? so as long as it’s hot onstage you got nothing to worry about. it’s when the heat goes away, that’s when you’re in trouble." +chandler,really?,joey,"look, you guys have been to every play i’ve ever been in, have i ever had chemistry on stage?" +ross,no.,joey,noooo!! +monica,hey!,joey,hey mon! want some pancakes? +monica,you made pancakes?,joey,yep! grab a plate. +monica,okay.,joey,"no-no, stay right there. gettin’ closer." +chandler,"okay, okay, but don’t worry, because we also have cereals, muffins, waffles, and, jams, jellies, and marmalades. which i’m fairly certain are the same thing.",joey,"listen also we’re uh, we’re watching the game here saturday night, if people want to come over." +monica,"oh, i was thinking about having people over for the game.",joey,"oh yeah, who’s playing?" +monica,"please, it’s a relief is what it is, is what it is.",joey,"all right pheebs, stick out your plate!" +phoebe,"ooh, what do i smell?",joey,"i don’t know, it smells good." +monica,"yeah, i’ve just been fiddling around in here making delicious treats for everyone.",joey,wow! the new playboy! +phoebe,wait a minute.,joey,come here. +phoebe,why don’t you ask him out?,joey,"oh, yeah, totally! that’s such a turn-on!" +rachel,really? it doesn’t seem desperate?,joey,"oh-ooh, that’s the turn-on." +rachel,i don’t even know how i would go about it.,joey,"oh-oh-oh-oh, how i do it is, i look a woman up and down and say, hey, how you doin’?" +phoebe,"oh, please!",joey,"hey, how you doin’?" +rachel,"ohh, god, i just got so nervous that he would say no.",joey,"well, you gotta give him something that he can’t say no too. like uh, knicks tickets! invite the guy to a knicks game, you’re guaranteed he’ll say yes!" +rachel,really?! you think that will work?,joey,"absolutely! and if it doesn’t, can i get the extra ticket?" +chandler,"all right, maybe i should call her.",joey,"no! forget her, man! you don’t need her, you don’t need that!" +chandler,"well yknow, what if she didn’t actually sleep with the guy?",joey,"dude, tell me she actually told you this." +chandler,"that’s not backing me up! look, you said with the off-stage and the heat, and the onstage and the oy heat.",joey,"whoa-whoa, that-that was just a theory! there’s a lot of theories that didn’t pan out. the lone gunman. communism. geometry." +chandler,"yeah. well, i think our second fight is going to be a big one!",joey,"okay, for next time, what do you say?" +monica,"okay, it’s ready. come on.",joey,what’s ready? +monica,"pretty much. so, what do you, what do you think of the floor?",joey,"i don’t know, it looks the same." +monica,you used to have carpet.,joey,oh yeah! +ross,hey!,joey,how’d it go? +charlie,"so, i have to go shopping today, which is my least favourite thing, im soo bad at picking out clothes!",joey,"so you need someone who knows fashion, to tell you what looks good." +rachel,"not me, not me, not me, not me, not me!",joey,oh hey rach! +rachel,yeah...,joey,maybe you could take charlie shopping. +charlie,im sure you have better things to do.,joey,"are you kidding? rachel loves to shop! and she has great taste! yeah, shes the one who taught me, you dont wear white after labour day and that you always, always, always have to put on underwear when youre trying on clothes." +rachel,"ok, uh-uh... lets-lets shop!!",joey,"ok, youre gonna come back with some very classy clothes... ... and some slutty lingerie, slutty!" +phoebe,"ok, great! all right, bye! pain in the ass!! thats off, right?",joey,"whats the matter, pheebs?" +phoebe,"ok, thatll be great!",joey,"oh, aint that nice? the three of you trying on slutty lingerie together." +rachel,thats not what were gonna do!,joey,"why would you ruin it, who was that hurtin?" +charlie,"oh, yeah! lets do it!",joey,"alright, have a good time." +ross,"yeah, right! what was last time he met a submission deadline for an abstract well, why are you laughing?",joey,"just... seeing what itd be like to be a paleontologist... its fun, yeah!" +charlie,"well see you, guys!",joey,bye. +chandler,ok.,joey,"all right, so. how did it go at the fertility clinic?" +chandler,"well... theres surrogacy, but monica has dreamt her whole life of carrying a child, she has felt that watching a surrogate would be... too hard for her.",joey,so youre ruling out surrogacy? +chandler,yeah.,joey,"so, i dont have to learn what that means?" +chandler,"aside from adoption the only other choice is insemination, so... were talking about sperm donors.",joey,"enough said, im there for you man. where is she, upstairs?" +chandler,i wish there was an easier way for us to have a child but i dont think there is one.,joey,"come on ross, be a good guy. step up and do it!" +rachel,alright! enough out of you!,joey,hello? +ross,"joey! hey, i need to talk to charlie. is she there?",joey,no. no... eh... she went shopping with rachel. why? whats up? +ross,im meeting with professor sherman about my being the keynote speaker...,joey,oh! hows it going? +ross,"it could be better! he, uhm... he fell asleep!",joey,what!? but i already bought my ticket to bermuda! +ross,barbados.,joey,"fine, ill rent a car and drive...! ross, you have to get that job!" +ross,what am i supposed to do? hes out cold! in fact he was just talking in his sleep before and evidently he wants someone named fran to spank him harder.,joey,"well, just wake him up!" +ross,"i cant! if he realizes that im the one that put him to sleep, i wont get the job!",joey,"uh! thats a tough one. oh! wait a minute, this happened to me before! yeah, i was auditioning for a play and the producer fell asleep and... no wait a minute... it was me who fell asleep... yeah i mean hey, shakespeare, how about a chase scene once in a while!?" +prof. sherman,youre welcome.,joey,wow! you look... ... stop-eating hot! which is like the highest level of hotness! +phoebe,are you sure? because im really dreading going to this party.,joey,then dont go! +phoebe,"mike knows im coming, and if i dont show up hell think its because of him! and i dont want to lose face! thats a very serious thing in my culture.",joey,"alright, then you go to that party and you pretend to be over mike. and afterward you come to my place and ill get you good and drunk!" +phoebe,"oh, hes at the doctor, he didnt poop the whole time we were there!",joey,"well anyway, im glad youre back, i really need your help." +phoebe,"oh, why? whats up?",joey,"i have an audition for this play and for some of it i have to speak french. which, according to my résumé, im fluent in." +rachel,oh... youre so sexy!,joey,"well, so, will you help me? i really wanna be in this play." +phoebe,"all right, it seems pretty simple. your first line is my name is claude, so, just repeat after me. je mappelle claude.",joey,je de coup clow. +phoebe,"well, just... lets try it again.",joey,ok. +phoebe,je mappelle claude.,joey,je depli mblue. +phoebe,uh. its not... quite what im saying.,joey,really? it sounds exactly the same to me. +phoebe,"it does, really?",joey,yeah. +phoebe,"all right, let just try it again. really listen.",joey,got it. +phoebe,je mappelle claude.,joey,je te flouppe fli. +phoebe,"oh, mon dieu!",joey,"oh, de fuff!" +phoebe,hi!,joey,hey. +monica,"joey. erica, baby!",joey,hi. +erica,"thank you. its really nice to meet you guys, i cant believe im here!",joey,welcome to new york city! or should i say ghe deu flooff new york city? +erica,"i wanna see everything! times square, coney island, rockefeller center...",joey,"oh, you know what you should do? you should walk all the way at the top of statue of liberty." +phoebe,je mappelle claude.,joey,je do call blue! +phoebe,"noooo! ok, maybe if we just break it down. ok, lets try at one syllable at a time. ok? so repeat after me. je.",joey,je. +phoebe,map,joey,mah +phoebe,pelle,joey,pel. +phoebe,"great, ok faster! je",joey,je. +phoebe,map,joey,mah +phoebe,pelle,joey,pel. +phoebe,je mappelle!,joey,me pooh pooh! +phoebe,"ok, its too hard, i cant teach you!",joey,what are you doing? +phoebe,"i, i have to go before i put your head through a wall.",joey,dont move! dont go! i need you! my audition is tomorrow! shah blue blah! me lah peeh! ombrah! . pooh. +tape,"we will now count from one to five. un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq.",joey,"huh, un, blu, bla, flu, flenk!" +tape,good job.,joey,thank you. +phoebe,hey joey.,joey,hey! +phoebe,"listen, i feel really badly about yesterday and i thought about it a lot and, and i know, i was too impatient. so lets try it again.",joey,"oh, no, thats okay, i dont need your help. i worked on it myself and i gotta say, i am pretty good!" +phoebe,"really, can i hear some of it.",joey,"sure, sure. ok, bleu de la bleu, de la blu bla bleu see?" +phoebe,"well, youre not, youre not... youre not... again, youre not speaking french!",joey,"oh well i think i am, yeah and i think im definitely gonna get the part." +phoebe,how could you possibly think that?,joey,"for one thing, the guy on the tape said i was doing a good job!" +director,whenever youre ready joey.,joey,"right. dja bu bu claude. uh, cest la pu les la lu blah bloo." +casting assistant,"im sorry, whats going on?",joey,"dude, come on! french it u-up!" +director,"joey, do you speak french?",joey,toutes la smore! bu blu-ay bloo blah ooh! pfoof! +director,you really think this man is speaking french?,joey,sa-sa-saw! +director,"good job, little buddy. that was some really good french. but i think were gonna go with someone else for the part.",joey,ah. all right. but my french was good? +director,it was great.,joey,oh-hoh! ha-hah! see! +phoebe,merci. au revoir.,joey,yeah-hah. toute-de-le-fruit. +phoebe,"okay, can you really tapdance?",joey,no. +phoebe,archery?,joey,no. +phoebe,horseback riding?,joey,would fall off a lot. +phoebe,you can drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds?,joey,that i can do. +phoebe,come on! you can drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds?,joey,"all right, watch me! okay, you time me. ready?" +phoebe,"so now, what is this now?",joey,guggly worm. +phoebe,and this?,joey,glow-pop giggly jammer. +monica,"hey umm, what’s this?",joey,"ohh, a hunk of sandwich from last year." +ross,"ohh, geller’s got one hooked! ohh! looks like a big one! yeah, ohh! ohh! it’s the classic struggle between man and— someone knocked over a lamp.",joey,"that’s all right. hey you guys, you know what’s going to be great about the fishing trip this year? when my dad gets me out in the middle of the lake and gives me that, joey, what are you doing with your life? stuff. i can say, well, i’m doing a movie with charlton heston dad. what are you doing with your life?" +monica,"hey, joey, i don’t think that you should leave chandler alone. i mean it’s only been two days since he broke up with kathy. maybe you can go fishing next week?",joey,"look, there’s nothing i can do for him right now, he’s still in his sweat pants, that’s still phase one. yknow? i’ll be back for phase two, i would never miss phase two." +monica,what’s phase two?,joey,gettin’ drunk and going to a strip club. +ross,because there are naked ladies there.,joey,"which helps him get to phase three, picturing yourself with other women." +ross,there are naked ladies there too.,joey,yeah. +ross,"come on, man! just-just take the sweats off. okay? just take ‘em off and we’ll have some fun.",joey,hey-hey! +ross,catch any big fish?,joey,"oh my god, you guys have no idea." +ross,are you kidding?!,joey,"yeah, three days on the lake without a shower. plus! i fell in that big tub of worms at the bait stand! hey, how-how’s he doing?" +ross,he hasn’t gotten out of that chair in two days.,joey,hey buddy! how’s it going? +phoebe,"oh no wait, oh no, the elastic on my underwear busted.",joey,oh my god! i overslept! i was supposed to be on the set a half an hour ago! i gotta get out of here! +monica,"oh wait, joey, you can’t go like that! you stink!",joey,"look, i know i feel asleep before i could shower and now i don’t have time! they’re just ten blocks away, if i run, i can make it." +phoebe,i’m sorry.,joey,hey! joey tribbiani! i’m here! i’m here! +the a.d,"calm down, we got time, we’re running a little late.",joey,"look at that, charlton heston eating a liquorice whip!" +the a.d,"yeah, we loves ‘em. i’ve never seen him with—",joey,"whoa! yeah, what the hell is that? what smells so bad?" +the a.d,you.,joey,"y’know, i can see why you think that, but ah, actually, you know who i think it is?" +the a.d,you?,joey,"no-no, it’s uh, it’s heston." +the a.d,what?,joey,"yeah, the man wreaks! smells like he went on a three day fishing trip and then ate some liquorice." +the a.d,"there’s no way he smells, he’s the only one around here with a shower in his dressing room.",joey,"really, a shower huh? and uh, which-which room might that be?" +the a.d,the one with heston on it.,joey,interesting. +charlton heston,hello! who’s in there?,joey,how ya doin’? +charlton heston,who in the hell are you?,joey,"i guess you wouldn’t believe me if i said i was kurt douglas, huh?" +charlton heston,put some pants on kid so i can kick your butt.,joey,"no-no-no, no, no, wait. you see, i’m an actor, joey tribbiani, i’m doing a scene with you today, and well, i stink." +charlton heston,you’re in this picture?,joey,"yeah-yeah, i’m one of the cops that won’t work with you ‘cause you a lose cannon. anyway, look, i’m really sorry, but i stink!" +charlton heston,"joey, right?",joey,yeah. +charlton heston,"every actor at one time or another—opp! every actor thinks he stinks, even lawrence oliver at sometimes thought he stank, bob redford won’t even watch himself.",joey,"oh no-no-no, you don’t understand…" +charlton heston,listen to me!,joey,"oh yeah, yeah." +charlton heston,"i don’t know one actor worth his salt that didn’t say at one time or another, god, i stink! hell, i just did a scene out there, first take, i stunk the place up. but, the important thing you must remember, no matter how badly you think you might stink, you must never, ever bust into my dressing room and use my shower! do you understand me?!",joey,"yes sir! yes sir, i’m-i’m—" +charlton heston,wait a minute! take your pants.,joey,"yeah. oh, yeah." +chandler,"come on, let me see that smile.",joey,i don’t wanna. +chandler,please?,joey,i wanted to go to the strip club! +chandler,"i know, i know, but you’re gonna have plenty of chances. there are literally thousands of women out there just waiting to screw me over.",joey,"yeah, all right." +monica,"what you guys dont understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.",joey,"yeah, right!.......yserious?" +rachel,"yeah, well, word of advice: bring back the comedian. otherwise next time youre gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.",joey,....are we still talking about sex? +monica,are you through with that?,joey,"yeah, sorry, the swallowing slowed me down." +phoebe,"monica- hi! um, monica, youre scaring me. i mean, youre like, youre like all chaotic and twirly. and not-not in a good way.",joey,"yeah, calm down. you dont see ross getting all chaotic and twirly every time they come." +chandler and joey,oh! yeah!,joey,"alright, whendya have it on last?" +ross,"i have no idea. no matter what i do, though, im still gonna be a father.",joey,".....well, this is still ruined, right?" +mrs. geller,and you knew about this?!,joey,"your folks are really that bad, huh?" +ross,well? isnt that amazing?,joey,what are we supposed to be seeing here? +rachel,"hey! out of all of us, who do you think is gonna get married next?",joey,probably monica and chandler. +rachel,okay!,joey,hey guys! look who’s back! it’s ray-ray! +monica,"wait a minute, she isn’t… she’s not the one who you…",joey,who you what? who you what?! +monica,wow!,joey,wow? wow what?! wow what?! who you—what?!! +ross,what?!,joey,what?! +monica,"chandler, relax it’s not a contest. certainly not a close one.",joey,hello! +rachel,hey!,joey,hey rach. +monica,"okay, i think that’s it. the seating chart is done. this is our wedding. they all look like they’re having fun don’t they?",joey,"hey, so where are my parents gonna be?" +monica,"oh! let’s see, well…if this is the wedding hall then umm you’re parents will be at home in queens.",joey,"what they’re not invited?! oh no, that’s terrible! they’re gonna be crushed!" +monica,why would they think they’re invited?,joey,you got me. i don’t… +monica,joey!,joey,"well, i’m sorry. i thought parents were coming! y’know? your parents are comin’! chandler’s parents are comin’! ross’s parents are comin’!" +monica,ross’s parents are my parents!,joey,well-well—see? parents are comin’! +rachel,that is not a problem.,joey,maybe you’ll order a little sangria? +chandler,"oh, it’s not just that, i would be england’s most powerful weapon. jet setting heartbreaker on her majesty’s secret service. a man who fears no one; with a license to kill. would monica let me wear this?",joey,we should really learn how to play the real way. +phoebe,i like our way. oh! chess!,joey,nice move. +rachel,hey!,joey,hey! +rachel,"so joey i just hooked ross and chandler up with some tuxedos for the wedding, do you need one?",joey,"no, i’m performing the ceremony. i’m not wearing a tux." +rachel,"well, what are you going to wear?",joey,"multi-colored robes! ooh, and maybe a hat." +rachel,huh. does monica know about this?,joey,i don’t think so. +rachel,"oh, y’know what? i can’t. i have to have dinner with that melissa girl.",joey,can i come?! i won’t even talk! you’ll just hear the noise from my video camera. +phoebe,what is this? what’s going on?,joey,oh good! can i tell her?! can i tell her?! +phoebe,joey’s!,joey,okay… +phoebe,sure!,joey,hey. it happened! +phoebe,which means she had a couple spritzers and a quick peck on the cheek.,joey,why are you taking this away from me? +phoebe,okay! all right! yeah! ‘cause i just can’t picture it.,joey,"oh-ho, you should get inside my head." +chandler,that was pretty 007.,joey,hey. +monica,"hey. oh good-good you’re here! all right, i figured it out. i’m gonna take two tables of eight, i’m gonna add your parents, and i’m gonna turn them into three tables of six. okay? and i called the caterer; i added two extra meals, we are good to go!",joey,"yeah, they’re not coming." +monica,what?!,joey,somehow they got the idea that you only invited them because of me. they…feel a little unwanted. +monica,"oh that’s too bad. it’s true, but too bad.",joey,"look mon, if you could just call my mom…" +monica,oh joey!,joey,"come on! look just-just tell—let her know that you really want them to be there. let’s not forget, this is a woman that has sent you many lasagnas over the years." +monica,no she hasn’t.,joey,is it her fault that some of them didn’t make it to you? +monica,"well, what am i going to say?",joey,"i don’t know. just uh, just tell ‘em it was a mix-up with the invitations, or—no-no-no! blame it on the post office. they hate the post office. and the irish! but i don’t think you can blame it on them so…" +chandler,"ooh, yum!",joey,hey. +monica,hey.,joey,"listen, i know the invitation says 6:00, but does that mean that you want people to get there at six, or the show is gonna start right at six?" +monica,the show?!,joey,"right. right. the wedding, gotcha. but i mean, it’s gonna start a little late right? i mean, weddings start late. right?" +monica,have you ever been to one of my weddings?,joey,"ah. yeah. well look, the thing is it’s the same day as my niece’s christening and i really want my parents to be there in time to see me. ‘cause my part’s just in the beginning i’m not even in the rest of the show—wedding!" +monica,the wedding starts at six.,joey,"okay. okay, i totally hear ya. oo how about this? i vamp a little ‘til they get there?" +monica,you’ll vamp?!,joey,"yeah! yeah y’know, like warm up the crowd. ask ‘em where they’re from. ‘cause in joey tribbiani you get a minister and you get an entertainer. i’m a minis-tainer! there is no one better! there is no one greater!" +chandler,the only superpower you have is a slightly heightened sense of smell.,joey,"hey! uh, monica? chandler? can i talk to you guys for a second?" +monica,"all right that’s it, i give up! whatever you want you can have it! you wanna sing a song? you wanna do a dance? you want your mom stand at the alter and scream racial slurs? i don’t care!",joey,"no! no, i-i just wanna thank you guys for what you did for my parents, that was really sweet. they’re so happy they get to be a part of your special day." +chandler,"well, you’re welcome. and tell them we’re really glad they’re coming.",joey,"okay. i will. ohh! check out what they got me to wear for the ceremony! huh? i wear it like this when i marry you guys, and then this is for party time." +rachel,"it’s good. except he makes us watch the discovery channel all day long. did you know that something really boring happened to someone really ugly in the middle ages? oh, thank you. i’ll see you guys later.",joey,bye. +phoebe,"honey, i wish you would get over her. i hate seeing you like this. is there anything i can do for you? do you want to look down my top?",joey,you know what i want? i want a lot of things! i want to be with the woman i love on valentine’s day! and i want her to love me back! and i want just one moment of relief from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that that’s never going to happen! +phoebe,"hey. look, i know you’ve been really depressed lately, so i brought someone over to cheer you up. right outside this door is a real, live, furry playmate.",joey,"no, i’m not sleeping with your friend jane again." +phoebe,"this is the happiest dog in the world. i borrowed him from my friend wendy. now, you can only keep him until he cheers you up. and he will cheer you up!",joey,"thanks so much, pheebs! we are going to have so much fun, yes we are! oh! not that kind of fun." +chandler,i am trying!,joey,"get the ball, ready? get the ball, get the ball! well, you’re cute, but you’re not too smart!" +rachel,i accidentally packed these with my stuff. who is this?,joey,"oh, that’s, uh, that’s phoebe’s friend’s dog. i don’t know what his real name is, but i call him mozzarella." +rachel,"oh, well, you are so cute! i wish i could play with you more, but i’ve got to go to work! i hope i stop talking like this before my marketing meeting, yes i do. yes i do. bye-bye, joey. oh, i seriously can’t stop it.",joey,"c’mere. hey. c’mere. that’s rachel. she’s the one who used to live here. might as well be honest with you—we love her. but we can’t have her. i really miss her. well, hey, you understand, right? you’re a guy. well, you used to be." +phoebe,"if i haven’t said it before: she’s a lucky, lucky lady! so, where are you going to—what the mother of crap is up with this stuff? oh, god. is it gum, is it food? what’s the deal? oh, it’s nice! may i try a pink one?",joey,"so, between her and me being friends, and her history with ross, it just isn’t going to happen. it would be like you falling in love with a cat." +phoebe,"hey, buddy. how’s my favorite dog, huh? how’s my favorite dog? you’re subdued. did you give him a beer?",joey,"yeah, sure. go ahead. oh, me, right!" +phoebe,"oh…joey, you bummed him out! this was the happiest dog in the world, and he spends half a day with you, and look at him!",joey,"no, no, no, no! he’s fine! look, look, look! here’s your ball! get your ball! get your ball! get your ball! my god, what have i done to you, huh? i broke the dog! pheebs, i broke the dog!" +ross,"hey, whatever it is, i am sure it has happened to me. y’know, actually once—once i got dumped during sex.",joey,"okay, uh…sit down. um… there’s this woman that i like. a lot. but, uh…it can’t happen." +ross,"so, uh, this guy, she used to go out with, is, uh… is he still in love with her?",joey,"i do! so much! i can’t stop thinking about her! i can’t sleep, i—" +ross,"anyway… seriously, uh…just…just talk to the guy, okay? and tell me how it goes.",joey,it’s rachel. +chandler,"nothing, just a little extra air in my mouth. pffft. pffffffft.",joey,"hey, chan, can you help me out here? i promise ill pay you back." +chandler,"oh, yeah, right, ok... inlcuding the waffles last week, you now owe me... 17 jillion dollars.",joey,"i will, really. ill pay you back this time." +chandler,... and wheres this money coming from?,joey,well... im helping out down at the n.y.u. med school with some... research. +ross,what kind of research?,joey,"oh, just, yknow.... science." +ross,"science. yeah, i think ive heard of that.",joey,... its a fertility study. +monica,"oh, joey, please tell me youre only donating your time.",joey,"alright, come on you guys, its not that big a deal. really... i mean, i just go down there every other day and... make my contribution to the project. hey, hey, but at the end of two weeks, i get seven hundred dollars." +chandler,men are here.,joey,we make fire. cook meat. +monica,"oh joey, melanie called, said shes gonna be late.",joey,"oh, ok." +phoebe,so how are things going with you two? is she becoming your special someone?,joey,"i dont know, shes, uh.... shes pretty great." +monica,yeah? what does she think of your little science project?,joey,"what, you think im gonna tell a girl i like that im also seeing a cup?" +monica,mans got a point.,joey,"well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me." +chandler,crazy bitch.,joey,"yeah, well, i still got a week left to go in the program, and according to the rules, if i want to get the money im not allowed to conduct any... ersonal experiments, if you know what i mean." +ross,hi.,joey,hey! +ross,....i have to go to china.,joey,the country? +ross,"well, rachels having drinks with him tonight.",joey,oh no! how can she do that when shes never shown any interest in you?!? +chandler,forget about her.,joey,"hes right, man. please. move on. go to china. eat chinese food." +ross,"yeah... i guess. i dont—i dont know. alright, just... just give her this for me, ok?",joey,"listen, buddy, were just looking out for you." +ross,i know.,joey,"we want you to be happy. and i may only have a couple beers in me, but... i love you, man." +melanie,"anyway, thats when me and my friends started this whole fruit basket business. we call ourselves the three basketeers.",joey,"like the three musketeers, only with fruit." +monica,"hey, hold on there, tiger. hows it going? how you holding up?",joey,"well, not so good. she definitely thinks tonight is the night were gonna... complete the transaction, if you know what i..." +monica,"so, uh, have you ever thought about being there for her?",joey,what do you mean? +monica,"yknow, just be there for her.",joey,not following you. +phoebe,"oh, its dr. seuss!",joey,: that book got me through some tough times. +chandler,"oh, no-no-no-no-no....",joey,"thats good, just keep rubbing your head. thatll turn back time." +rachel,"no! none! i mean, my first night in the city, he mentioned something about asking me out, but nothing ever happened, so i just... : w-well, what else did he say? i mean, does he, like, want to go out with me?",joey,"well, given that hes desperately in love with you, he probably wouldnt mind getting a cup of coffee or something." +chandler,h-hes in china!,joey,the country. +chandler,well then maybe you shouldnt go.,joey,"hes right, cause if youre just gonna, like, break his heart, thats the kind of thing that can wait." +melanie,"mmmmmm... oh, joey, joey, joey... i think i blacked out there for a minute!",joey,"heh, heh. it was nothin." +melanie,"well, now weve gotta find something fun for you!",joey,"uhhh.. yknow what? forget about me. lets, uh... lets give you another turn." +melanie,m-me again?,joey,sure! why not? +melanie,"oooh, i gotta tell you... you are nothing like i thought you would be.",joey,how do you mean? +chandler,"hey, big...",joey,shhhh! +chandler,...spender.,joey,shes still asleep. +chandler,so howd it go?,joey,"oh, it was amazing. you know how you always think youre great in bed?" +chandler,the fact that youd even ask that question shows how little you know me.,joey,"well, its like, last night, i couldnt do the thing that usually makes me great. so i had to do all this other stuff. and the response i got... man, oh man, it was like a ticker tape parade!" +chandler,"yes, i know, as it happens my room is very very close to the parade route.",joey,"it was amazing! and not just for her... uh-uh. for me, too. its like, all of a sudden, im blind. but all my other senses are heightened, yknow? its like... i was able to appreciate it on another level." +chandler,i didnt know you had another level.,joey,i know! neither did i! +monica,behind my brothers back? ... is exactly the kind of crazy thing you wont be hearing from me.,joey,seven hundred bucks! +chandler,"alright, you did it! do we have any fruit?",joey,"man, hell of a two weeks, huh? yknow what, though? i really feel like i learned something." +chandler,"really? so, youre gonna stick with this its all for her thing?",joey,"what, are you crazy? when a blind man gets his sight back, does he walk around like this?" +story,dana klein,joey,"god, youre beautiful...why are we fighting this?you know you want it to happen as much as i do." +rachel,"i dont wanna stand in the way of true love or anything, but i think a cantaloupe might hurt less.",joey,"oh, ehm...im...im rehearsing my lines.they gave me a big romantic story on days of our lives. its the first time my characters got one. im so nervous, you know, i really want it to be good!" +rachel,woow!i havent seen you this worked up since you did that dog food commercial and you thought you were gonna be with a real talking dog!,joey,"yeah, that was a disappointment... oh, hey!dyou want to come down to the set and tell me if im doing ok?" +rachel,are you serious?,joey,"yeah!hey, you just have to promise not to get yourself thrown out again." +rachel,"hey, that was an honest mistake!",joey,"right!oh my god, is this the mens room? oh, i feel so foolish, have you always known you wanted to be an actor?" +rachel,"hey joey, is this the bed where olivia lost her virginity?",joey,"i dont know, but one of the extras sure did! hey, listen rach. thanks again for coming down to watch my scenes!" +rachel,"oh, please!honey, just the fact that you want me here to support you, im...oh my god!is that christian sanders?hes so gorgeous!",joey,also so gay! +rachel,"oh, in my head hes done some pretty not-gay-stuff!",joey,"well, at the christmas party him and santa did some definitely gay stuff!" +director,"joey, joey! were ready for you!",joey,"oh, wish me luck!" +rachel,"ok, not that you need it but good...god!is that chase lassiter?hes straight, right?",joey,"rach, i gotta say...if you werent here wondering if these guys were gay i dont know if i could do this!" +rachel,hi!,joey,hey! +rachel,"joey, i gotta tell ya, ive been thinking all day about that scene you did, i mean, you were amazing!",joey,"oh, you know, the writing was good, and the director is good, and... and my co-stars good but theyre not as good as me!" +rachel,"god, you have to tell me what happens tomorrow!",joey,"ow, im just going over the script now! you wanna read lines with me?" +rachel,"me? oh, no, i am not an actress.",joey,"oh, all right, i can ask monica." +rachel,"oh screw her, that part is mine!",joey,"right... ok, so just from the top of the page, right here." +rachel,kiss me.,joey,what? +rachel,kiss me.,joey,"ah, rach, it doesnt say that!" +rachel,"no, im saying...",joey,"but, but.." +rachel,hey!,joey,hey! +rachel,"joey, do you have peanut butter on the back of your head?",joey,oh man! i thought i got it all! +rachel,how...how...?,joey,"i was making a peanut butter smoothy, right?" +rachel,uh-huh,joey,"and i couldnt find this little plastic thing that goes on top of the blender...and i thought...well... how important can that be, right...? turns out very!" +rachel,wow...definitely just drake...,joey,what? +rachel,what...how is it going with drake?,joey,oh...i dont think its going very well... +rachel,what...that scene i saw was so good!,joey,"well, im feeling really insecure about the one we are shooting tomorrow..." +rachel,"joey, is this that thing that you do when you say youre bad so ill give you a compliment?",joey,"a little. yeah no, i really am worried, you know, i mean i have to make it convincing that im in love with olivia." +rachel,so?,joey,so...ive never played that! +rachel,"ooh! honey, it cant be that hard, i mean, youve been in love before?",joey,uh...well...just once...with you... +rachel,ok...this could be a little awkward...im just going to blow past it... well cant you just use that method actor thing where you use your real life memories to help you in your performance?,joey,what the hell are you talking about?? +rachel,"alright, alright look, just uh... just try to remember how you felt when you were in love, and think about that when youre playing the scene.",joey,"oh! ok, yeah, i think i can do that. yeah ok, theres this party scene coming up.. and olivia and her husband are there and all drake wants to do is grab her and kiss her, but he cant... and that makes me think about all those times when i wanted to grab you and kiss you, but you didnt know so i would just pretend everything was cool, but really, it was killing me." +rachel,"joey, you never..you never talked about that before...",joey,"well.. hey, you know what else i could use? theres a scene where drake sneaks into olivias bedroom, and she doesnt know hes there - which never happened with us! and he knows he shouldnt be there, but he just wants to look at her... you know? and i remember all those mornings before you even put on your make-up, when i would think to myself, my god, she...is... beautiful... and it hurts so much, cuz i knew i could never tell you but it was worth it just to be there looking at you." +phoebe,"yeah, we-we feel kinda responsible.",joey,i cant believe you said woowoo. i dont even say woowoo. +rachel,"no way, forget it.",joey,"cmon, shes your mom!" +ross,uh-oh...,joey,uhhhh.... ill just pee in the street. +ross,"hey, is chandler here?",joey,yeah. +ross,"okay, uh, about last night, um, chandler.. you didnt tell... okay, cause im thinking- we dont need to tell chandler, i mean, it was just a kiss, right? one kiss? no big deal? right?",joey,right. no big deal. +ross,okay.,joey,in bizarro world!! you broke the code! +ross,what code?,joey,"you dont kiss your friends mom! sisters are okay, maybe a hot-lookin aunt... but not a mom, never a mom!" +ross,"uh.. uh.. well, joey and i had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game. but, um, apparently, somebody overslept.",joey,"yeah, well, you dont have your racket." +ross,"no, no i dont, because its being restrung, somebody was supposed to bring me one.",joey,"yeah, well you didnt call and leave your grip size." +ross,"okay, im scum, im scum.",joey,"ross, how could you let this happen?" +ross,"i dont know, god, i... well, its not like shes a regular mom, yknow? shes, shes sexy, shes...",joey,you dont think my moms sexy? +ross,well... not in the same way...,joey,"ill have you know that gloria tribbiani was a handsome woman in her day, alright? you think its easy giving birth to seven children?" +ross,"well, not playing raquetball!",joey,he forgot to leave his grip size! +ross,do they wait for me to do this?,joey,so are you gonna tell him? +ross,why would i tell him?,joey,"how about cause if you dont, his mother might." +monica,what are you guys doing here?,joey,uhhhh.... hes not even wearing a jockstrap! +chandler,you knew about this?,joey,"uh... yknow, knowledge is a tricky thing." +chandler,"i spent the entire day with you, why didnt you tell me?!",joey,"hey, hey, hey, youre lucky i caught them when i did, or else who knows what woulda happened." +ross,chandler-,joey,"me neither, yknow what-" +chandler,im still mad at you for not telling me.,joey,what are you mad at me for?! +chandler,you gotta let me slam the door!,joey,"chandler, i didnt kiss her, he did! see what happens when you break the code?" +ross,joey-,joey,ah! huh? +rachel,okay. i am so hot!,joey,"now, heres a picture of my mother and father on their wedding day. now you tell me shes not a knockout." +ross,i cannot believe were having this conversation.,joey,"cmon! just try to picture her not pregnant, thats all." +chandler,"yeah, i believe i was talking to joey, alright there, mother-kisser?",joey,mother-kisser... ill shut up. +ross,"ah, the forbidden love of a man and his door.",joey,"shh. he did it. he told her off, and not just about the kiss, about everything." +ross,youre kidding.,joey,"no, no. he said when are you gonna grow up and start being a mom?" +ross,wow!,joey,"then she came back with the question is, when are you gonna grow up and realise i have a bomb?" +ross,"kay, wait a minute, are you sure she didnt say when are you gonna grow up and realise i am your mom?",joey,that makes more sense. +ross,"so, whats going on now?",joey,"i dunno, ive been standing here spelling it out for you! i dont hear anything. oh, wait, wait, wait." +ross,whaddya see?,joey,"hard to tell, theyre so tiny and upside-down. wait, wait. theyre walking away... theyre walking away... no, no theyre not, theyre coming right at us! run! run!" +monica,whats a niffle?,joey,you usually find them on the heaving beasts. +phoebe,so good!,joey,suck-fest. +phoebe,"i-im sorry it wasnt one of those movies with, like, yknow, guns and bombs and, like, buses going really fast...",joey,"hey, i dont need violence to enjoy a movie. just so long as theres a little nudity." +monica,there was nudity!,joey,i meant female nudity. alright? i dont need to see lou grant frolicking. +chandler,i cant believe we are even having this discussion.,joey,"i agree. im, like, in disbelief." +ross,"im telling you, she said shes looking for a relationship with someone exactly like me.",joey,she really said that? +ross,"well, i added the exactly like me part... but she said shes looking for someone, and someone is gonna be there tonight.",joey,tonight tonight? +rachel,"now, now the one in the feather boa, thats dr. francis. now, she used to be a man. okay, now look, see, theres raven. we hate her. were glad shes dying. okay- wh- wh- marcel, are you playing with monicas shoes? you know youre not supposed to pl- whoah. marcel, did you poo in the shoe? marcel, bad monkey! oh! oh! sorry, barry. little engagement gift. im sure you didnt register for that. who died? who died? roll him over! oh, cmon, roll him over! oh...! well, we know it wasnt dexter, right marcel? because- marcel? marc-",joey,how could you lose him? +rachel,"cmon, you guys, whatre we gonna do, whatre we gonna do?",joey,alright alright. youre a monkey. youre loose in the city. where do you go? +chandler,marcel?,joey,marcel? +chandler,marcel?,joey,marcel? +chandler,"um, were kind of having an emergency and we-we were looking for something...",joey,a monkey. +woman no. 1,"no. no, havent seen a monkey. do you know anything about fixing radiators?",joey,"um, sure! did you, uh, did you try turning the knob back the other way?" +woman no. 1,of course.,joey,"oh. then, no." +chandler,"oh, nononowaitwaitwaitnono! uh... we may not know anything about radiators per se, but we do have a certain amount of expertise in the heating and cooling... mileu.",joey,"uh, arent we kind of in the middle of something here?" +chandler,"yes, but these women are very hot, and they need our help! and theyre very hot.",joey,"we cant, alright? were sorry. you have no idea how sorry, but... we promised wed find this monkey. if you see him, hes about yea high and answers to the name marcel, so if we could get some pictures of you, youd really be helping us out." +chandler,"okay, from now on, you dont get to talk to other people.",joey,marcel? +monica,"well, high school was not my favourite time.",joey,"i dunno, i loved high school. yknow? it was just four years of parties and dating and sex." +tag,ms. green would like to establish some ground rules before she comes out. she would appreciate it if you don’t use the words old or downhill or they still look pretty damn good.,joey,they do! +rachel,"well, can i keep the presents and still be 29?",joey,"come on rach! look, turning thirty is not that big a deal." +ross,oh really. is that how you felt when you turned thirty?,joey,why god?!! why?!! we had a deal!! let the others grow old! not me!! +chandler,"no rach, it’s not just you. my thirtieth birthday certainly wasn’t that much fun.",joey,and now chandler! we’re all gettin’ so old! why are you doing this to us?! +monica,"rach, you’re in a great place in your life. come on, you’ve got a great job! good friends…",joey,"yeah, you’re roommate is a soap opera star." +ross,that’s not what this is about okay? i-i am a sports car enthusiast. i have always been into cars.,joey,"hey, what’s the horsepower on this thing?" +chandler,would you put that back on?! monica’s gonna be here any minute!,joey,but it hurt’s my joey’s apple. +woman,is this yours?,joey,well actually… +ross,no-no-no! it’s mine! it’s-it’s mine.,joey,"dude, you soooo need this car." +rachel,"okay, but taking care of a drunk, naked woman seems like a job for joey.",joey,yep. +rachel,okay.,joey,"now that you’re a couple, we don’t get two presents from you guys?" +rachel,"no! ross, no! it is not fine! eh-eh-according to my plan i should already be with the guy i wanna marry!",joey,will you quit hoggin’ it! +chandler,oh that’s great! right there! can we get some of that over here please? there we go.,joey,hey! are those crab cakes? did i not tell ya to come straight to me when more crab cakes were ready? +phoebe,"okay quick, help me get this off!",joey,yeah!! +phoebe,i lost a whole year! i can’t believe it! this is so unfair!,joey,"oh, i don’t know pheebs. it’ll be okay." +phoebe,"will it? will it?! i mean, how would you feel if you found out you were 31?",joey,that’s not gonna happen. no. because we have a new deal! +phoebe,"plus, it totally ruined my schedule! i…i haven’t done any of the things i wanted to do by the time i was 31!",joey,like what? +rachel,"hey. oh, poor pheebs.",joey,"hey, y’know what you guys? i think i’m gonna go walk her home." +monica,he’s gonna eat the cake!,joey,"pheebs! wait up! listen uh, close your eyes. maybe that’s one thing you can cross off your list." +phoebe,oh yeah.,joey,"oh, and plus i’m 1/16th portuguese." +rachel,"hey joey, can i…",joey,"oh, come on rach! my turn just started!" +rachel,"actually, i just wanna talk to tag.",joey,"oh. okay. hey, can i ride this outside?" +rachel,"whatever! okay, i’m not your mother.",joey,okay! +rachel,not in the street!!,joey,yes! +phoebe,you did the right thing.,joey,i don’t like this anymore. +ross,"god, do you realize in ten years we’re gonna be 40?",joey,why god?! why are you doing this to us?! +ross,yes! my baby’s finally free!,joey,all-all right! start it up! let’s go! +ross,you wanna buy a car?,joey,no. +ross,sure. yeah.,joey,"so, who’s the guy?" +monica,"no! really! any time ross makes a toast everyone cries, and hugs him, and pats him on the back and they all come up to me and say, god, your brother. know what they’ll say this year? god, you",joey,"well i can promise you, at least one person will be crying. i’m an actor, and any actor worth himself can cry on cue." +monica,really you can do that?,joey,are you kidding me? watch! well i can’t do it with you guys watching me! +ross,hey!,joey,hey! +monica,you got a present for my parents. that’s so sweet.,joey,"yeah, yeah, in honor of their 35th wedding anniversary, i had a star named after them." +ross,aww that is so cool.,joey,and i got them a book on karma sutra for the elderly. +chandler,somewhere there is someone with a tranquilizer gun and a huge butterfly net looking for that man.,joey,"i have to go to the bathroom too, but i don’t want him complimenting my thing." +monica,i feel terrible.,joey,i know +rachel,"and the ring, was the size of my fist !",joey,"yeah uh, phoebe! look umm, i want to apologize about before, okay? we were being jerks. parker’s a nice guy and i’d like to get to know him." +phoebe,then you better do it now.,joey,why? +phoebe,because i’m going to kill him,joey,what-what? +phoebe,"you guys were right. he’s just too excited about…everything. i mean i’m all for living life, but this is the geller’s 35th anniversary. okay? let’s call a spade a spade this party stinks.",joey,"i know i’m having the worst time. there was a 15-minute line for the buffet, and when i finally got up to the plates, i slipped on a giant booger!" +phoebe,are you sure it wasn’t an oyster?,joey,"i guess it could’ve been, i didn’t really look at it. y’know, i just wiped it on chandler’s coat and got the hell out of there." +phoebe,he’s just such a great guy i’m so excited about him.,joey,"oh hey, you should be excited about him. there’s nothing wrong with him he’s a good guy." +phoebe,you think?,joey,yeah. ya know what i think; i think we were all just being too negative. +phoebe,"you’re right. you’re right, he’s just embracing life. we could all stand to be a little more like parker. you know what? i am like him! i’m a sunny, positive person.",joey,"actually, you have a little bit of an edge." +phoebe,what’s that now?,joey,nothing… +phoebe,"oh my god. this is huge. this is bigger than huge. this is like, all right, whats bigger than huge?",joey,"um, this?" +ross,"thats all right, rach, we got the bags. hi, hello. julie, this is my sister monica. this is chandler. phoebe. joey, what up?",joey,what up?! +phoebe,"i know im not, but you are, and i was trying to spare your feelings.",joey,"hello? oh, hi. yeah, hold on a second. ross, its julie, for you." +chandler,hi. anybody know a good tailor?,joey,needs some clothes altered? +chandler,"no, no, im just looking for a man to draw on me with chalk.",joey,"why dont you go see frankie? my familys been goin to him forever. he did my first suit when i was 15. no wait, 16. no, scuse me, 15. all right, when was 1990?" +chandler,"ok, i dont care what you guys say, somethings bothering her.",joey,"you know, i think i was sixteen." +rachel,"uh, morning. do you guys think you could close your eyes for just a sec?",joey,"no-no-no-no-no, im not fallin for that again." +rachel,at his apartment. is this juice?,joey,"whoa, whoa. and the fact that you dumped him because he hit on phoebe?" +chandler,"well, in spite of the yummy bagels and palpable tension, ive got pants that need to be altered.",joey,"hey, chandler, when you see frankie, tell him joey tribbiani says hello. hell know what it means." +phoebe,"im not gonna lie to you, ross, it doesnt look good. i put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling.",joey,can we see her? +ross,yeah.,joey,howre you doing? +rachel,im okay.,joey,"ooh, that bad, huh?" +rachel,what?,joey,"look, i can sense when women are depressed and vulnerable. its one of my gifts." +rachel,"when i saw him get off that plane with her, i really thought i hit rock bottom. but today, its like theres rock bottom, 50 feet of crap, then me.",joey,you gotta tell ross how you feel. +rachel,come on. how can i just tell him? what about julie?,joey,what about her? theyve only been going out for two weeks. ross has been in love with you for like 10 years. +rachel,"i dont know, i dont know.",joey,"look, rach, rach! ive been with my share of women. in fact, ive been with like a lot of peoples share of women. the point is, ive never felt about anyone the way ross felt about you." +chandler,"yo, paisan! can i talk to you for a sec? your tailor is a very bad man!",joey,frankie? whatre you talking about? +ross,what?,joey,no way. ive been going to the guy for 12 years. +chandler,cupping.,joey,"thats how they do pants! first they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. what? ross, ross, would you tell him? isnt that how they measure pants?" +ross,"yes, yes it is. in prison! whatsa matter with you?",joey,what? thats not? oh my god. +ross,okay.,joey,"hey, when the doctor does that hernia test..." +ross,okay. okay. okay.,joey,"i swear to god, dad. thats not how they measure pants." +monica,joey let me ask you a question. what does this light switch do?,joey,"ohh, nothing." +monica,didn’t it drive you crazy to have a switch and not know what it did?,joey,i know what it did! nothing. +monica,they wouldn’t have put it there if it didn’t do something! how can you not care?,joey,like this. +rachel,"well, here’s another question for ya. uhh, do you know what that silver knob on the toilet does?",joey,sure! it flushes it. +chandler,hello!,joey,hey! ah!! +janice,"yeah, i’m riding the alimony pony.",joey,and there it is. +chandler,"yeah, i know, but all of those little annoying things she did before we fell in love? like her voice, her laugh, her personality—well, they’re all back! y’know? and she’s picked up like nine new ones!",joey,so what are you doing bringing her here?! there’s people here! +chandler,"well, i don’t have to break up with her this time. we’re not involved! i’m going to do a pre-emptive strike! i’m going to end it with her before it starts. my ass is like frozen!",joey,"yeah, try sticking it in the freezer for 20 minutes. i’m tellin’ ya!" +rachel,hey!,joey,hey! what’s up? +monica,"this switch thing has been driving me crazy. so i turned it off and checked every outlet. now, four of them don’t work. which means, one of them has to be controlled by the switch. so, i plugged in things in all four of the outlets that-that make noise, so that way, when i turn it on i just follow the noise and find out which one it is.",joey,i bet i stopped listening before you did. +ross,"oh, just hold on a second. i’m watching this rugby thing on espn. i don’t know what the big deal is. i’m man enough to play this sport.",joey,"dude, you’re not even man enough to order the channel that carries the sport." +chandler,"well, i-i thought i did but, i-i guess i did not!",joey,"hey-hey, what’s going on?" +chandler,"oh, i’m packing. y’know i’m-i’m packing ‘cause i’m moving to yemen tomorrow.",joey,thanks for telling me! +chandler,"i’m only going to pretend i’m moving to yemen, it’s the only way i can get rid off her.",joey,"ohhhh, good one! and yemen that actually sounds like a real country." +chandler,"okay. joey, trade lives with me!",joey,"nope. man look at this! ross, i can’t believe you said you’d play rugby. i mean look how brutal this is!" +ross,that’s ‘cause-‘cause you’re mom’s dog kept-kept looking at me.,joey,"okay, ross, look-look-look-look, look right here. that’s called a scrum, okay? it’s kinda like a huddle." +ross,"and is a hum, kinda like a scruddle?",joey,ross! they’re gonna kill you! +rachel,"i’m sorry. i’m sorry. you’re right, you are a tough guy. you’re the toughest palaeontologist i know.",joey,"all right, come on look, ross can take care of himself! it’s not like he’s…chandler!" +rachel,"oh, well maybe there was a dog lookin’ at him.",joey,"ross-ross-ross-ross! stay away from that guy , and that guy . and that one—dude! they’re all huge!" +ross,they don’t look any bigger than me!,joey,"well, maybe that’s because you’re closer to you. so you look bigger to you from where you are." +ross,"okay, i know what i have to do. i’ve got to go red ross. y’know, red ross!",joey,i totally don’t know what you’re talking about. +ross,come on! the time we were all waiting in line for dances with wolves and that one guy cut in line in front of us and i just lost it?! screamed at him! turned all red! red ross!!,joey,no. +ross,"what? no! no, i’m not stopping. i’m red ross!",joey,"dude, if you go back out there, you’re gonna be dead ross!" +ross,"i’m gonna go get him! okay, i am going back in!",joey,the red ross! okay. +ross,"oh no! that-that’ll just bring me down! this was great! i mean i-i-i was great! this is a great day! y’know what? i’m buying everyone coffee. all right? if someone would just grab my wallet, it’s in my pocket.",joey,"yeah, sure." +ross,"no, not you.",joey,"uhh, look, your eye’s still popping out a little, i’m gonna go get some ice." +phoebe,see? i’m doing it. i am totally doing it. i lost it.,joey,im tellin ya that girl totally winked at me. +chandler,morning.,joey,"morning, hey, you made pancakes?" +janice,"monica and rachel had syrup, now i can get my man to cheer up. good morning joey.",joey,good morning. +chandler,"well, maybe i wont kiss you, and then youll have to stay.",joey,kiss her! kiss her! +janice,"ill see you later, sweetie. bye joey.",joey,b-bye janice. so when ya dumpin her. +chandler,"nope, not this time.",joey,"come on, quite yankin me." +chandler,im not yanking you.,joey,this is janice. +chandler,"yeah, i know. she makes me happy.",joey,"okay. all right. you look me in the eye and tell me, without blinking, that youre not breaking up with her. no blinking." +monica,what are you the memory woman?,joey,their not breaking up. chandler and janice. their not breaking up. he didnt blink or anything. +rachel,"well, you know im not surprised. i mean have you seen them together, theyre really cute.",joey,cute! this is janice! you remember janice? +rachel,"yes, joey, i remember, shes annoying, but you know what shes-shes his girlfriend now. i mean what can we do?",joey,there you go! thats the spirit im looking for! what can we do? huh? all right whos first? huh? ross? +ross,"well im thinking that chandlers our friend and janice makes him happy, so i say we just all be adult about it and accept her.",joey,"yeah, well call that plan b. all right?" +chandler,hey!,joey,wheel! +chandler,of!,joey,fortune! this guy is so stupid. its count rushmore!! +chandler,"you know, you should really go on this show. all right, listen, i got three tickets to the rangers tonight. whatd ya say?",joey,"i say, i am there! cool! aw, is ross going to?" +chandler,"no, janice.",joey,"jan-ice. cause i, just, i feel bad for ross, you know, we-we always go together, were like the three hocke-teers." +chandler,"you know, i may be way out on a limb here, but do you, do you, have a problem with janice?",joey,"no, yeeees. god, how do i say this. . oh, hi, you know that girl from the greek restaurant with the hair ?" +chandler,"ooh, that girl that i hate, eww, drives me crazy, eww, eww, oh!",joey,"look, i dont hate janice, shes-shes just a lot to take, you know." +chandler,"well, there you go.",joey,"oh, hey. come on man, dont look at me like that, she used to drive you nuts before too, remember?" +chandler,"well, im crazy about her now. i think this could be the real thing. capital r! capital t! dont worry, those are the right letters.",joey,"look, what do you want me to say?" +chandler,i want you to say that you like her!,joey,"i cant. its like this chemical thing, you know. every time she starts laughing, i just wanna pull my arm off just so that i can have something to throw at her." +chandler,"thanks for trying. oh, and by the way there is no count rushmore!",joey,"yeah, then-then whos the guy that painted the faces on the mountain?" +janice,"so, i hear, you hate me!",joey,"i, ah, i never said hate, i was very careful about that." +janice,a little birdie told me something about you wanting to rip your arm off and throw it at me.,joey,and you got a hate from that?! your taking a big leap there... +"our little situation here joey. so, this is my idea",you and me spending some quality time together.,joey,but what does that gonna do... +janice,for chandler!,joey,okay. im in. +janice,okay. all right. this is what were gonna call it: joey and janices day of fun!,joey,does it have to be a whole day? +janice,"yes, because thats how long it takes to love me.",joey,"yeah, i know, i sleep in the next room." +janice,were baack!,joey,hey! +chandler,really.,joey,"yeah, yeah. we went to a mets game, we got chinese food, and you know, i love this woman. you have got competition buddy." +chandler,you still cant stand her can you?,joey,"im sorry man, i tired, i really did." +chandler,"well, you know, i appreciate you giving it a shot.",joey,"but, hey, look, you know the good thing is, is that we spent the whole day together and i survived, and whats even more amazing, so did she. it was bat day at shea stadium." +chandler,"well, i guess thats something.",joey,"no man, thats huge! now, i know i can stand to be around her, which means i get to hang out with you, which is kinda the whole point, anyway." +chandler,okay.,joey,"oh, hey, chandler, we, ah, we stopped by the coffee shop and ran into ross." +chandler,oh god!,joey,"hey, if it makes you feel any better, i do it too." +chandler,really?,joey,"oh yeah, i always picture your mom when im having sex." +phoebe,well it’s just—it’s one of those situations that i just hate. y’know? a massage client gave me three tickets to the helmet-pelts exhibit at the morgan chase museum.,joey,now you’re thinking you gotta sleep with him. +chandler,i’ll give up my ticket.,joey,me too. +phoebe,it’s mostly just photographs of lesbian love scenes interspersed with video games and free sandwiches.,joey,oh man! +chandler,hey!,joey,hey ross listen chandler got you out of going to the lesbian sandwich museum this weekend! +phoebe,"oh, this is so exciting! you get your picture back up on the wall of fame! eek!",joey,"i know. it was so cool when i was up there before. me and jim belushi would just be crackin’ up about something… then i get fired off of days of our lives and he takes me down. now he’s just laughing at me. look at him, that smug belushi bastard, i’ll…" +phoebe,"ohh, okay maybe they put your picture back up they can put you next to matt lauer. look at him, smiling at me. yeah i know; we’d be great together!",joey,hey! so i’m back. +the dry cleaner,who are you?,joey,"joey tribbiani! from the wall! okay, maybe this will jog your memory, huh? huh? okay eh-ah-anyway, i’m ready to go back up on the wall i’m the star of a new tv show." +the dry cleaner,show me in the table.,joey,"oh well, it’s not on tv yet." +the dry cleaner,"well, then it’s not on the wall yet.",joey,"okay, fine, i will bring you a tape, huh?" +phoebe,don’t even get me started on yours!,joey,"hey! so, did you watch the tape of my show?" +the dry cleaner,i did.,joey,"all right, let’s get me back up there!" +the dry cleaner,no! it don’t go up on the wall!,joey,what—but you saw the show! +the dry cleaner,"yes, it was very offensive to my people!",joey,dry cleaners? +the dry cleaner,russians! it showed them as terrorists and villains!,joey,"okay! okay, look! you-you-you got harrison ford up there!" +the dry cleaner,"that’s right. mr. ford is a very good customer, he brings us a lot of clothes; you bring us nothing!",joey,"okay well that may be true. but, in-in okay, air force one the russians were terrorists! and evil! and plus he kills a bunch of them! that-that-that’s offensive to russians." +the dry cleaner,i’ve never seen it!,joey,"oh you should, it’s great." +female clerk,can i help you?,joey,"uh yeah, where-where’s the guy who decides who’s pictures go up on the wall?" +female clerk,he’s not here right now.,joey,"oh, you’re kidding me! all-all right, well make sure you tell him that joey tribbiani stopped by to drop off all of these clothes. okay? i’m an actor; i’m kinda getting my picture up there on the wall." +female clerk,"y’know, there are two people who could put your picture up there.",joey,"oh really? well, maybe you and i go out for drinks? you’re the other one right?" +phoebe,"oh! here it is! ooh, joey! why did you sign it, son of a bitch?",joey,i didn’t do that! who would’ve done that?! +phoebe,joey!,joey,"whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, i-i—hey! i did not go out with your wife! okay? i went out with her!" +phoebe,"well, we should go.",joey,yeah. +chandler,i know.,joey,hey gunther. +gunther,hey! take these cappuccinos to table 11 and that guy over there wants the biscotti.,joey,"oh uh, well i just came in for a cup of coffee to go." +gunther,do you still work here?,joey,"no! no, i quit a long time ago. did i forget to you that one? i’m sorry." +gunther,"oh that’s cool, i was gonna fire you anyway.",joey,great! +rachel,"hey. whe-ell, look at you, finally got that time machine workin huh?",joey,"seriously, you like it? this guy was sellin them on 8th avenue and i looked at em and i though, you know what i dont have?" +estelle,"look honey, people get fired left and right in this business. i already got you an audition for another world.",joey,but i was dr. drake remoray. how can i go from bein a neurosurgeon to drivin a cab? +ross,"i, i dont know, its got all this stuff about wind and trees and theres some kind of sacred pool in it. i mean, i dont really get it but shes, shes pretty upset about it.",joey,"my animals. hey the guy said they suited me, he spoke with an accent, i was all confused. i dont know what im gonna do." +ross,"ok, well then get some sense. i mean it took you what, 10 years to get that job, who knows how long its gonna be till you get another.",joey,"i dont need to think about it. i was dr. drake remoray. that was huge. big things are gonna happen, youll see. ross, you still there?" +chandler,look you have to help me out here. i thought we had a deal. i thought by the time...,joey,"ah, its career stuff. i dont know if you heard but they killed off my character on the show." +eddie,"ohhhh. relax, take it easy buddy. tell me twice, you want me to go? alright,",joey,"all the way to the airport huh? you know thats over 30 miles, thats gonna cost you about so bucks." +eddie,"well thats uh, thats a good point. um ok, well, uh, i guess i got the wrong apartment then. i, im, look, im, ya know, im sorry, im terriably sorry.",joey,"na, na im ok. oh and uh, just so you know, im not movin back in cause i have to. well, i mean, i do have to. its just that that place wasnt really, i mean, this is..." +chandler,"im gonna hold him a different way. look i dont understand, if you hated it so much, why did you buy it in the first place?",joey,"well, i had a whole ceramic zoo thing goin over there but now, without the other ones, it just looks tacky." +monica,"aunt syl, stop yelling! all im saying is that if you had told me vegetarian lasagna, i would have made vegetarian lasagna. well, the meats only every third layer, maybe you could scrape.",joey,"ross, did you really read all these baby books?" +monica,"aunt syl, i did this as a favor, i am not a caterer. what do you want me to do with a dozen lasagnas? nice talk, aunt syl. you kiss uncle freddie with that mouth?",joey,"hey ross, listen, you know that right now, your babys only this big? this is your baby. hi daddy!" +ross,hello!,joey,how come you dont live with mommy? how come mommy lives with that other lady? whats a lesbian? +ross,"...nauseous, im physically nauseous. what am i supposed to do, huh? call immigration? i could call immigration!",joey,"i love babies, with their little baby shoes, and their little baby toes, and their little baby hands..." +chandler,"ok, youre going to have to stop that, forever!",joey,need a new table. +chandler,"ok, so its just because it was my table, i have to buy a new one?",joey,thats the rule. +chandler,"what rule? theres no rule, if anything, you owe me a table!",joey,howd you get to that? +chandler,"well, i believe the piece of furniture was fine until your little breakfast adventure with angela delvecchio",joey,you knew about that? +chandler,"well, lets just say the impressions you made in the butter left little to the imagination.",joey,"ok, ok, how about if we split it?" +chandler,"what do you mean, like, buy it together?",joey,yeah +chandler,you think were ready for something like that?,joey,why not? +chandler,"well, its a pretty big commitment, i mean, what if one of us wants to move out?",joey,"why, are you moving out?" +chandler,im not moving out.,joey,youd tell me if you were moving out right +chandler,"yeah, yeah, its just that with my last roommate kip...",joey,"aw, i know all about kip!" +chandler,"its just that we bought a hibachi together, and then he ran off and got married, and things got pretty ugly.",joey,"well, let me ask you something, was kip a better roommate than me?" +monica,"carol called me to thank me for the lasagna, i asked, she told me.",joey,so whats it gonna be? +monica,"im sorry, im just excited about being an aunt!",joey,or an uncle... +rachel,"oh, right, thats me!",joey,"hey, chandler, that table place closes at 7, come on." +phoebe,"well, he made a move on me.",joey,"whoa, store will be open tomorrow!" +chandler,"oh, yeah, you have to tell her.",joey,feminist issue. thats where i went! +ross,"yeah, well...",joey,"will you pick one, just pick one! here, how about that one?" +chandler,thats patio furniture!,joey,"so what, like people are gonna come in and think, uh-oh, im outside again? of course!" +chandler,what about the birds?,joey,"i dont know, birds just dont say, hello, sit here, eat something." +chandler,you pick one.,joey,"all right, how about the ladybugs?" +chandler,"oh, so, forget about the birds, but big red insects suggest fine dining!",joey,"fine, you want to get the birds, get the birds!" +monica,"so how does this work, you going to balance the plates on these little guys heads?",joey,"who cares, well eat at the sink! come on, lets play!" +ross,"ah...ooh! well, looks like, uh, we kicked your butts.",joey,"no-no, she kicked our butts. you could be on the olympic standing-there team." +ross,"what, now?",joey,"yes, now is when you swoop! you gotta make sure that when paolo walks out of there, the first guy rachel sees is you, shes gotta know that youre everything hes not! youre like, like the anti-paolo!" +chandler,wha-,joey,wha- +ross,im having a boy! i-im having a boy!,joey,hey! +monica,"where are you guys going? come on, one more game!",joey,"uh, its 2:30 in the morning!" +chandler,one more game?,joey,oh yeah! +rachel,i didnt know there were docks.,joey,hey. +ross,"aww, is it broken?",joey,"no, i gotta wear this thing for a couple weeks." +rachel,did you tell the doctor you did it jumping up and down on your bed?,joey,nooo. i had a story all worked out but then chandler sold me out. +chandler,"well, im sorry joe. i didnt think the doctor was gonna buy that it just *fell* out of the socket.",joey,what is this? fruit? +rachel,monicas making jam.,joey,"whoa, jam! i love jam! hey, how come we never have jam at our place?" +monica,"im going into business people. im sick and tired of being depressed about richard. i needed a plan, a plan to get over my man. whats the opposite of man? jam. oh joey dont! its way to hot.",joey,this will just be my batch. +chandler,youre pretending the pillows a girl right?,joey,remember when you where a kid and your mom would drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a little spoon? +phoebe,"hey, oh, you know that guy whos been following me? i talked to him today.",joey,you talked to him. are you crazy? +phoebe,"no, im just gonna help him, you know, get de-ursula-ized, like you know, like i did for joey after he went out with her.",joey,"hey, i didnt stalk her. i mean" +monica,"joey, this is for you. its blackberry curin.",joey,aww. ohh! +chandler,"hey, joe, i gotta ask. the girl from the xerox place buck naked , or, or a big tub of jam.",joey,put your hands together. +monica,"joey, take your time with that. thats my last batch.",joey,no more jam?! +monica,"lips moving, still talking. i mean it may not be ideal, but im so ready. no, i-i-i see the way ben looks at you. it makes me ache, you know?",joey,check it out!! jam crackers! +"and look at joey) oh my god, under personal comments","new york knicks, rule!",joey,"yeah, the knicks rule!" +monica,"joey, this is you!",joey,"let me see. oh, right." +rachel,when did you go to a sperm bank?,joey,"well, right after i did that sex study down at nyu. hey, remember that sweater i gave you for your birthday?" +chandler,and thats how you bought it?,joey,"noooo, thats what i was wearing when i donated. im kinda surprised theres any of my boys left." +monica,"well, honey, it is pretty competitive. i mean ive got an actual rocket scientist here.",joey,"maybe, i should call this place and get them to put my days of our lives on here. you know, juice this puppy up a little." +phoebe,"thank you, monica.",joey,"orrr, you could follow him and see where he goes." +phoebe,"yeah, just, okay, look im going. um, come on. op, op, behind the pillar, which way am i gonna go?",joey,hey. +monica,hey.,joey,where you going? +monica,to the bank.,joey,sperm or regular? +monica,sperm.,joey,"so youre really doing this, huh?" +monica,"oh yeah, picked a guy, 37135.",joey,sounds nice. +monica,"fraid so. brown hair, green eyes...",joey,"no kiddin, hmm." +monica,what?,joey,"no, i-i figured you wouldve picked a blond guy." +monica,really? why?,joey,"i dont know, i just always pictured you ending up with one of those tall, smart blond guys, name like.... hoyt." +monica,hoyt?,joey,"its a name, yeah. i saw you, you know, in this great house with a big pool." +monica,"really, is he a swimmer?",joey,hes got the body for it. +monica,i like that. what?,joey,"you guys have one of those signs that says: we dont swim in your toilet, so dont pee in our pool., you know." +monica,we do not have one of those signs.,joey,"sure you do, it was a gift from me. oh! and you have these three great kids." +monica,two girls and a boy?,joey,yeah! +monica,"and, and, and they wear those little water wings, you know. and theyre, theyre running around on the deck. then hoyt wraps this big towel around all three of them.",joey,"sure! but hey, you know this way sounds good too." +monica,yeah.,joey,"oh monica. wow, this guys an astronaut. that wouldve been cool, for like a day. ." +rachel,"honey, you got a little thing on your...",joey,did i get it? +rachel,yes! and he said really mean things that were only partly true.,joey,i’m gonna go down there and teach that guy a lesson. +rachel,"that’s easy for you to say, you weren’t almost just killed.",joey,"all right that’s it, school is in session!" +mr. treeger,": tribbiani! hold on, i’ll get the plunger.",joey,"hey! you hold on pal! now you made my friend, rachel, cry. so now, you’re gonna go up there and apologize to her, unless you want me to call the landlord." +mr. treeger,: and tell him what?,joey,"have you heard about a little something called, not making girls cry." +mr. treeger,: yeah. well maybe you have heard about the rent stabilization act of 1968!,joey,i have actually not heard of that. +mr. treeger,": yeah, well your friends are in violation of it. i’ve been a nice guy up until now, but uh, i don’t need this grief. i’m gonna call the landlord and tell him that monica is illegally subletting here grandmother’s apartment. your friends are outta here pal.",joey,why don’t you tell me something i don’t know! +rachel,oh! my hero! what happened?,joey,"well uh, i went down there and told him that no one treats my friends like that and that he’d better come up here and apologize. i’ll see you later." +monica,"what a minute, what did he say?",joey,"he said that he wasn’t gonna apologize because you guys are living here illegally, so instead what he’s gonna do is have you evicted—i’ll see you later." +monica,i told you not to go down there!,joey,well he made rachel cry! +monica,"now joey, you go down there and you suck up to him. i mean you suck like you’ve never sucked before!",joey,"all right! i’ll try! but if i can’t, you can stay with chandler and i until you get settled." +rachel,go!!,joey,"all right, all right, all right. i mean i’ll have to check with him first, but i’ll think he’ll be cool with it." +mr. treeger,: what?,joey,"please don’t kick monica and rachel out, this wasn’t there fault, it was mine." +mr. treeger,: you want me to kick you guys out instead?,joey,"no you can’t do that, where would the chick and the duck live?" +mr. treeger,: you have pets!,joey,"noo-no-no, no, those are nicknames. i’m the chick and chandler is the duck." +mr. treeger,": huh, i would’ve thought it was the other way around.",joey,"come on man, just-just let the girls stay, i’ll do whatever you want." +mr. treeger,: really? you’ll do anything?,joey,"yeah-yeah, absolutely." +mr. treeger,": yeah, i’ve got something you can do.",joey,"what, what is it?" +mr. treeger,: can you be my dancing partner?,joey,"that’s not, prison lingo, is it?" +monica,his dancing partner?!,joey,"yeah, there’s this superintendent’s dance, the super ball. i don’t know, and he wants to impress marge, this lady super that he’s a crush on." +rachel,"well, why doesn’t he practice with a girl?",joey,"well, he’s too shy, he doesn’t thing he’s good enough to dance with girls yet." +chandler,you’re a genius!,joey,"aww, man, now we won’t be bank buddies!" +monica,"well, next time your massaging him, you should try and distract yourself.",joey,"yeah! yeah! yeah! like-like when i’m doing something exciting and i don’t wanna get too excited, i just ahh, y’know try to thing of other things like ah sandwiches, and ah baseball, and ah chandler!" +chandler,"thank you, joey.",joey,"no-no, thank you." +mr. treeger,": okay ahh, well, just ahh, follow my lead.",joey,"whoa-whoa, don’t we need to do some kinda preparation first? like ahh, get really drunk?" +mr. treeger,: ahhhh! i’m sorry!,joey,"no, it’s okay, but if i’m marge, my breasts are coming out my back." +mr. treeger,": ahh, forget it! i’ll never be any good at this, my mom was right, i’m just a big potato with arms, and legs, and a head.",joey,"come on man, you’re not a potato." +mr. treeger,": i’m sure as hell a dancer, it’s no use marge will never go for me.",joey,"come on treeger, don’t say that. you just ahh, you just need more practice. here, come on, let’s ahh, let’s try it again. come on. plus, it was, it was probably mostly my fault, anyway. i mean, y’know, i’m not really that comfortable dancing with a— we-he!! hey!" +monica,"hey-hey, how goes the dancing? gay yet?",joey,"ah-ha-ha, you guys owe me big time." +rachel,what was that?,joey,what? +rachel,you just did a little dancy thing.,joey,no i didn’t. +rachel,you are soo enjoying this.,joey,"no, i’m not! and it wasn’t a hop it was a pademarie." +monica,you know the words! you are so into this!,joey,"all right, well maybe i’m enjoying it a little bit. i mean i’m getting pretty good at it." +rachel,"ooh, this is soo sweet, joey our little twinkle-toes.",joey,"hey-hey, hold on, this isn’t some kind of like girly dance. all right, it’s like a sport, it’s manly!" +monica,"all right, then show me some manly moves.",joey,all right. +phoebe,"hey! so i had a great day, rick and i really hit it off, and we started making out, and then my boss walked in and fired me for being a whore.",joey,what?! +chandler,yeah… bunny-rabbit.,joey,"so you ah, ready for our last practice?" +mr. treeger,": yeah, but y’know, i think the reason we’re not getting that spin right is because my apartment’s too small.",joey,"look, you wanna use our place?" +mr. treeger,": no, i ahh, had another idea.",joey,we did it!! +mr. treeger,": i know, we did it!! hey, that was incredible, huh?!",joey,"i know, it was amazing! i mean, we totally nailed it, it was beautiful." +mr. treeger,": thank you, listen, thanks a lot tribbiani, . oh my god, look at the time, i gotta catch the bus to the ball.",joey,"oh well, okay, good luck." +mr. treeger,: yeah.,joey,unless you wanna practice the foxtrot again? or-or the tango? +mr. treeger,": ahh, thanks but no. you see i-i think i’m ready to dance with girls.",joey,okay. +mr. treeger,: yeah.,joey,go get ‘em treeger. +mr. treeger,": right. hey, ahh, you wanna come? marge has a girlfriend.",joey,really? +mr. treeger,": yeah, you could dance real good with her, she’s the same size as me.",joey,"no, i’m good." +phoebe,great! thank you very much.,joey,"well, i get the medical award for separating the siamese twins. then amber and i go to venezuela to meet our other half-brother, ramone. and thats where i find the worlds biggest emerald. its really big but its cursed." +phoebe,"ok, ok, ok. ooh, hey new doc on the block, days of our lives joey tribbiani. ooh, cool picture.",joey,"uh, well, kinda yeah. like, remember last week when alex was in the accident? well the line in the script was, if we dont get this woman to a hospital, shes going to die. but i made it, if this woman doesnt get to a hospital, shes not gonna live." +phoebe,"ohh, ok, i see what you did there. arent you afraid though, that the writers are gonna be kinda mad when they read this?",joey,"huh? never really thought about the writers. the scripts just kinda come to my house. but you know what? this makes me look good, which makes the show look good, which makes the writers look good so how could they be mad about that?" +dr. remore,"well then, uh, i uhh, guess thats me. anyone else need to go on the elevator? dr. horton, dr. wong?",joey,"naa, they said that when they found my body, my brain was so smashed in that the only doctor that could have saved me was me. supposed to be some kind of irony or somethin." +monica,"um, i straightened out your shower curtain so you wont get mildew. what? to me thats nice.",joey,"no, i dont. its like, ya know, you work your whole life for somethin and you think that when you get it its never gonna be as good as you thought it would be. but this so was. ya know, it changed everything. like the other day, i got this credit card application, and i was pre- approved. huh? ive never been pre-approved for anything in my life." +rachel,my god!,joey,hey! +phoebe,"well, it was really sweet, and like the most romantic thing ever.",joey,"well, hey! well... heres to phoebe, whos found the greatest guy in the world! to phoebe and... i wanna say mike? to phoebe and mike!" +chandler,hey honey!,joey,hi sweetie! +chandler,is monica not here?,joey,no. +chandler,"oh, then ill tell you. my agency was bidding for a big account and they got it! its my first national commercial!",joey,cool! +chandler,"yeah, and i dont wanna brag but a lot of the ideas were mine! hell, you werent there? all the ideas were mine!!!",joey,"thats great! hey, can you cast me in it?" +chandler,"oh... i dont know, i really dont think youre right for the part.",joey,"what do you mean? i can do anything, im a chameleon! huh? im old! im tired! hey, im hot im cold!! huh?? come on! what cant i do?" +chandler,"first of all. bravo. uh, but i really dont think youre right for this. the part calls for a stuffy college professor.",joey,"i can do that! hello, im your professor. when im not busy thinking of important things or... professing. i like to use... oh, whats the product?" +chandler,software that facilitates inter-business networking e-solutions?,joey,im cold! +rachel,hi!,joey,oh! any word on casting yet? +chandler,"joe, i told you, youre just not right for the part.",joey,"what do you mean? rach, dont i seem like a professor youd buy some kind of e-crap from?" +chandler,joe...,joey,"just watch it, and if you dont like it, you dont pass it on to your bosses!" +chandler,fine!,joey,thank you. +chandler,"work, joe!",joey,damn it! chandler : what am i gonna do now? +chandler,hey joe!,joey,whats up? +chandler,bad news. i watched the tape and passed it along to my bosses and they werent interested.,joey,oh. +chandler,im sorry man.,joey,"but, ehm... you watched the tape?" +chandler,"yeah! i... i... i liked it! but, ehm... my bosses didnt go for it. stupid sons of bitches!",joey,you didnt watch the tape. +chandler,what!? of course i did!,joey,"look, its one thing not to cast me, but to lie to me?" +chandler,"im not lying to you, i watched it!",joey,"well, you lied again!" +chandler,i watched it!,joey,keep going pinocchio! +chandler,i did!,joey,no you didnt! +chandler,what did i just say?,joey,you still here? +chandler,"yes, and i have to say, i am not just hurt. i am insulted. when i tell somebody i did something...",joey,"ok whoah-hey... let me just stop you right there, ok? first, you lied, right? then, you lied about lying, ok? then you lied about lying about lying, ok? so before you lie about lying about lying about lying about... lying... stop lying!" +chandler,why are you so sure i didnt watch this tape?,joey,you wanna know wh...? you wanna know why? +rachel,"well, this is going well.",joey,"heres how i know you didnt watch the tape, ok? if you had seen what was on this tape, believe me, you would have some comments. alright, now remember, i got paid a lot of money for this and it only aired in japan." +(the commercial,"joey says ichiban. it displays a few girls dancing around and joey fills most of the screen, he puts something blue on his lips and smacks them saying lipstick for men! it goes on to show him playing a guitar and putting on more blue lipstick. in the end he says seductively ichiban... lipstick for men and sahiko and it ends. chandler and rachel are speechless.)",joey,and thats how i know you didnt watch the tape! . +rachel,o-oh my god!,joey,what? +rachel,"joey, what... is... this...thing... doing here?",joey,i got it from monica. she sold it to me for a very reasonable price. +rachel,"joey, were not keeping this!",joey,but its an original buffay... +rachel,"alright, fine. you can keep it. as long as you dont mind that shes haunted.",joey,hey? what? what? wey! whoo! what? what!? +rachel,"she climbs out of the frame, and then drags her half-a-body across the floor, just looking for legs to steal. and then with her one good hand, she slo-o-owly re-e-a-aches up and turns your doorknob.",joey,get that legless witch out of here! +chandler,"look, im sorry i didnt give them your tape. and i promise, next time to submit you whether i think you are right for the part or not.",joey,thats not the point chandler. the point is that you lied. +rachel,excellent!,joey,"now, what do you say?" +chandler,lying is wrong!,joey,and?... and? +ross,"okay, thats it. we are seeing other people!",joey,gladys? +rachel,"ha ha ha, third time this week. man, this does not get old.",joey,youre mean! +rachel,i know!,joey,"boy, that guys underwear sucks!" +rachel,wh-what?!,joey,"i got this pair marked excess, i gotta tell ya, there was no room for excess anything in there." +phoebe,"lets just say, im glad im not chandler.",joey,"thats right ross, i can see you in your new apartment! and you can see me! same as yesterday, same as the day before." +monica,is he doing his shark attack bit yet?,joey,"nope. op, wait! there he goes." +monica,"get in there man! flirt back, mix it up!",joey,"yeah, i-i-im down with that. okay, here goes. how you a-doin? it worked! shes waving me over. okay, i-i-ill be right over. lets see, shes on the third floor…" +monica,"wow! she is pretty, huh?",joey,"tell me about it, huh? oh no-no-no, im not with her, shes just monica! ewwuck!" +ross,hey joey! great stuff huh?,joey,this is your place? +ross,"of course it is. yeah, come on in. ooh-ooh, go by the window you can pretend to be surfing.",joey,"but i counted, youre not supposed to live here! oh man!" +monica,what happened?,joey,"i ended up at rosss place. oh, i musta missed counted or something. damn! shes not there anymore. oh, l-l-look, ross is doing his watching tv bit." +rachel,"ugh, horrible! i did the stupidest, most embarrassing thing!",joey,did you tell the guy you wanted to have sex with his wife and then fall right out of your chair? +rachel,"ugh, it was horrible! and-and the interview part went so well, yknow? i even made him laugh. he said something about a boat and i was like, well, yeah! if youve got enough life jackets! trust me, it was actually, it was very funny. anyway, so we were saying good-bye and ugh!",joey,what happened? +rachel,"all right, we were shaking hands and he kinda leaned toward me… yknow maybe he was going to open the door, but i totally miss read him and i uhhh…",joey,you kissed him?! +monica,yes!,joey,"i bet that kiss isnt looking like such a big mistake now, is it?" +rachel,"what-what, wait a minute, you dont think thats why he wants me back?",joey,yeah! no? +rachel,"maybe. i-i dont know—oh god, how could i be so stupid?!",joey,"oh rachel look, dont say that, i think you just need a hug from joey. come on. come on. shes back! hot girls back!" +rachel,"ohh, well im not totally back yet, but thank you.",joey,"no, in rosss building! shes back! shes back! okay, wait there, ill be over in a second. got it!" +chandler,i gotta check out this hot girl! there she is!,joey,damnit!! did you move?! +the old man,yes?,joey,uhh do you happen to have a hot girl in there? +the old man,no. im all alone.,joey,"yeah. sorry about that. oh, hey little girl. uhh, is-is your mommy, or sister, or babysitter by any chance a hot girl?" +the little girl,daddy!!,joey,later! oh man! hot girl! hot girl!! +monica,i am the best.,joey,hey guys! what cha been doin? +monica,hey joey! isnt that the girl that waved at you the other day?,joey,"i dont know. but i can see through your sheet. yeah, yeah, thats her. but yknow what? doesnt matter, im never gonna get to meet her anyway." +monica,why?,joey,"because its impossible to find her apartment! she lives in some like of hot girl parallel universe, or something." +monica,"what are you talking about? she obviously lives on the second floor, seventh apartment from the left!",joey,"no. no. no. she lives on the third floor, eighth apartment from the left." +monica,"no, those first two windows, thats the lobby. and yknow the other one over there, thats the stairway. youve been counting wrong.",joey,i did not know that! thank you monica. i cant believe i almost lost another girl because of counting. +ross,sure. joey…,joey,dahhhhh!! no! noooo!! +chandler,chandler bing.,joey,hey.� how come youre answering your own phone?� wheres your crazy assistant? +chandler,whats up joe?,joey,"okay, what have we always wanted to do together?" +chandler,braid each others hair and ride horseback on the beach?,joey,"no, no, no.� when you get home tomorrow night, you and i are going to be at the wizzards-knicks game . . .� courtside!" +chandler,courtside?� oh my god.,joey,yeah.� maybe michael jordon will dive for the ball and break my jaw with his knee. +chandler,see what i mean . . .,joey,hey!� how come the doors locked? +chandler,achhh.� its always better to lie than to have the complicated discussion.� � except with you.,joey,hey!� open the door.� whats going on?� +monica,"oh, because, um . . .� well, chandlers going to be home in a couple of days.� so, i thought i would, you know, practice the art of seduction.",joey,"oh, i thought i heard a mans voice before." +monica,"oh i was just doing chandlers side of the conversation.� you know, like, hi, how do i look?� really sexy.� could i be any more turned on?",joey,"okay.� � whoa, whoa.� why are there two glasses of wine out?" +chandler,its joey.� � hey joe.,joey,"dude, come home!" +chandler,what? why?,joey,come . . .� home. +chandler,"look i, i cant.� whats going on?",joey,"i dont know how to tell you this but, uh . . . i think monicas cheatin on ya.� i told you shouldnt have married someone so much hotter than you." +chandler,no!,joey,i just heard him! +chandler,can you . . . hear him . . . now?,joey,"� no.� all right, im going in." +chandler,no! wait!,joey,i heard him again! +chandler,"all right, look.� just stay there.� im coming home.",joey,okay.� great.� ill see you when you get here.� im gonna wait out in the hall in case the dude comes out. +chandler,is that really necessary?,joey,absolutely.� youd do it for me.� not that you ever have to because i know how to keep my women satisfied. +ross,but you left.,joey,"wow!� that didnt take long.� i thought you said tulsa was, like a three hour flight." +monica,theres no man in here.� how dare you accuse me of that.�,joey,"all right.� all right.� then, maybe you wont mind if me and my friend take a look around, huh?� � bwa-ah-ah!" +monica,i arranged some pillows on the bed to look like a guy.,joey,"bedroom is clear, although you might need some new pillows." +chandler,"all right.� well, ill check the guest room.",joey,� why do i smell mens cologne? +monica,i think thats you.,joey,� oh yeah.� i rubbed a magazine on myself earlier. +chandler,theres nobody here joe.,joey,i guess not. +monica,i cant believe you thought i was cheating.� you own me an apology.,joey,"yeah, right monica.� im so sorry." +monica,"ah, its an honest mistake.� it could happen to anyone.� all right, see ya.",joey,"whoa, whoa.� wait a minute.� wait a minute.� if you just got back from tulsa, how did your suitcase beat you here?" +ross,i dont understand what just happened here.,joey,whats going on? +chandler,"im sorry.� i, i told you i was in tulsa because i wanted to spend the night with monica and i, i didnt know . . .� i didnt think youd understand.",joey,"what? you think im too dumb to understand that a husband needs to be with his wife?� huh?� do you think im like, duh.�" +monica,joey?,joey,yeah?� +chandler,yeah.� i feel so bad.� is there anything i can do to make it up to you?,joey,"yeah, you could go to the game with me, ah, even though i know you said you couldnt.� but then you lied to me and tricked me and gave me a bump on the head." +chandler,im sorry. �thats the one thing i cant do.� i promised id be with monica.,joey,all right. +monica,have fun.,joey,thanks.� � heres your ticket. +chandler,"hey, listen.� im never going to lie to you again, okay?� and i want you to know that nobody thinks youre stupid.",joey,thanks man. +mike,stout.� thats a kind of beer. (ross smiles slightly.� then he gives a single nod that lifts him to his feet.� he exits the coffee shop.,joey,"okay, pick a card." +chandler,okay.,joey,"all right now, memorize it. you got it?" +chandler,oh yes.,joey,is that your card? +ross,"well, its not for sure but umm, we met this guy in the park who thought ben was really cute--yknow, which he is--so umm anyhoo, he uh, he gave us his card and told us to bring him down for this commercial hes auditioning.",joey,"whoa! this guy is like the biggest commercial casting director in town! ben takes one lousy walk in the park and gets an audition!! i mean, way to go ben! man! ive been in that park a million times and no one offered me an audition." +ross,"i know, its crazy! we were just pushing ben on the swings…",joey,im always on the swings! what am i doing wrong?! +rachel,"okay, gotta go! wish me luck!",joey,luck! +phoebe,"okay, lets discuss rachels birthday. i say we throw a surprise party this weekend.",joey,"whoa-whoa, but her birthday isnt like for another month." +monica,"i think its a great idea. yeah, we could have a dinner party and just invite her close friends.",joey,ross!! were having a surprise party for rachel!! +ross,okay!!,joey,done. +monica,i would love to do it together!,joey,theyre gonna do it together. +chandler,dude! thats my girlfriend!,joey,"what, so i gotta shut it down now?" +chandler,weirder than watching his two moms make out?,joey,whoa-whoa dad? theres a dad in the commercial? +ross,yeah the dad and ben eat soup and pretend to enjoy it.,joey,"whoa, hey, maybe ill go down there with ya and see if i can get an audition to play the dad. i mean who better to play bens father than his godfather." +ross,youre not his godfather.,joey,what?! are you kidding?! +ross,"of course i am! okay, lets go godfather.",joey,all right! +ross,really? thats great!,joey,"i know! i know! it turns out that one of the casting ladies has actually seen me in a play, so i steered clear of her…" +carol,"hey, that kid looks familiar.",joey,"oh yeah, yeah! hes done tons of commercials. ive seen him in like sugar smacks, playstation, and that one for the phone company. in fact he was so good in that one, he actually convinced me to switch phone companies. chandler was mad…." +ross,"yeah well, hes not gonna get this one. ben is way cuter than that kid. i mean look at him, look at you,",joey,"thats great. listen, wouldnt it be great though if i got to play bens dad?" +ross,"joey, you look nothing like ben.",joey,i look more like him than you do! +ross,"yeah i am! yeah, ben got a second audition!",joey,"yeah, i had to teach ross my bit because i actually didnt get a callback." +monica,you got a callback too didnt you?,joey,yeah i did! +ross,"oh god, this is so nerve wracking! how-how do you do this?",joey,"well, unfortunately, i dont get many callbacks so…" +carol,is it a good sign that they asked us to hang around after the audition?,joey,who knows? +ross,yes!! i knew it!! bye-bye! so long! later!,joey,oh this is great! i might actually get to play bens dad! +the casting director,"actually, that cant happen. yeah because you all have such different looks, were putting you with raymond and kyle with ben. so itll be either you two or you two.",joey,"man, this is gonna be kinda weird." +phoebe,"okay, time to bring up the rest of the cups. oh, hi joey!",joey,hey pheebs! hey! +ross,hey!,joey,"ross good, im uh glad youre here. i wanna talk to you about something." +ross,whats up?,joey,"well, ive been thinking about this whole commercial thing, yknow me going up against ben, the two of us competing, and that cant lead to anything good. so, i think im just gonna step aside. im gonna tell them that i wont audition." +ross,"wow, uh, joey thats-thats great. thanks man.",joey,thats it? youre-youre gonna let me do this?! this-this is my career were talking about here! +ross,"well, you just…",joey,"i just said that so you wouldnt let ben do it! look ross, if anyone should step aside it should be ben!" +ross,what?!,joey,what? chandler! tell em! +ross,"why should ben step aside? it was his audition in the first place! you-you just tagged along! youre like the uh, tag-a-long dad.",joey,at least i care about his feelings! +ross,what?!,joey,do you know how hard this is gonna be on him when he doesn’t get it? +ross,and why wouldnt he get it?,joey,"oh, come on! have you seen what my kid can do?! huh?! i mean he dials phones! he-he-he eats tortilla chips! he-he plays soccer with the cartoon tiger!" +ross,are you saying your kid eats soup better than my kid?,joey,you just give him a spoon baby! +ross,oh yeah? i guess well just see!,joey,yeah! because this commercial belongs to me and mitch! +ross,youre kids name is raymond!,joey,yeah?! sos yours! +rachel,okay then!,joey,"hmmm, soup! hmm soup! hmm, soup!" +carol,"joey, ross is gonna be here any second, would you mind watching ben for me while i use the ladies room?",joey,"oh yeah, no problem." +carol,thanks.,joey,"hi ben! so you wanna be an actor huh? i gotta tell ya, its no picnic. theres tons of rejection. no stability. one day youre dr. drake remoray, the next day youre eating ketchup right out of the bottle." +ross,joey!,joey,ross! +the casting director,"okay, raymond, joey youre up.",joey,hi! +the casting director,"okay, uh well, lets try one. whenever you guys are ready.",joey,uh-oh. +the casting director,is there a problem?,joey,"well this is noodle soup and uh, ive been working with tomato. but thats okay, no problem. no problem. hmm, noodle soup." +the casting director,"yknow, thats-thats fine, but the line is, hmm, soup.",joey,"oh, what did i say?" +the casting director,"hmm, noodle soup.",joey,hows that different? oh! yeah! +the casting director,"all right, lets try one.",joey,"hmm, noodle soup." +the casting director,okay. lets do it again.,joey,okay. +the casting director,yknow what? we need to move on.,joey,"no! no! i-i can do it one more time! see? look! hmm, noodle soup. damnit!" +ross,hey!,joey,hey. +ross,"listen man, uh, im sorry the audition didnt go so well.",joey,yeah right! +ross,"no really, i-i am! i feel bad!",joey,"yeah? well look ross, you dont have to. okay? its not your fault i suck. i mean what kind of an actor cant even say, hmm, noodle soup." +ross,"yeah yknow what? maybe-maybe you didnt mess up your audition because you suck, maybe you messed up because you care more about uh, your godson.",joey,what you do mean? +ross,"i think, sub-consciously…",joey,"wait-whoa-whoa, you lost me." +ross,"i think on some level, you-you sabotaged your own audition so that ben would get the part.",joey,"well, youre way sounds a lot better than mine. yeah. yeah! its not that im a bad actor…" +ross,no!,joey,"no, its just ah, i care so damn much about little ben that uh, it was more important to see him succeed." +ross,there you go. thank you!,joey,"thank you! so, did-did he get it?" +ross,no.,joey,"eh, what are you gonna do? ending credits" +chandler,ill catch you guys later.,joey,hey! +monica,hey!,joey,what are you guys doing up? +chandler,"oh, we wanted to finish the crossword before we went to bed. hey, do you know a six-letter word for red?",joey,dark red. +monica,"yes, you are so smart!",joey,"aww, you guys are so cute!" +monica,i know.,joey,"all right, ill see you in the morning." +phoebe,"yeah, i should probably take it back. ooh, but you know what? while im at the police station, i could check their ten most wanted lists because my friend fritzy has been like number 11 forever, so this could be her year!",joey,"hey, you guys!" +monica,hey.,joey,"hey. that uh, that my sweatshirt?" +monica,"oh yes, it is. im sorry i borrowed it, i was cold. i hope its okay?",joey,"well uh, its just that uh, yknow if-if youre gonna be wearing someones sweatshirt shouldnt it be your boyfriends--and i’m not him." +monica,"im sorry, ill give it back to you.",joey,no-no! no! i mean its gonna be all smelling like monica! +monica,are you saying i smell bad?,joey,"no! no, you smell like a meadow. im sorry." +phoebe,hey.,joey,hey! oh. +chandler,"hi, joe.",joey,"yeah, i didn’t know you guys were going to be here." +monica,"hey joey, sweetie, taste this.",joey,what?! why?! +monica,what is going on with you?,joey,nothing! +chandler,"oh, come on! youve been acting strange all day!",joey,"all right! there is something. i kinda had a dream, but i dont want to talk about it." +chandler,whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-what-what if martin luther king had said that? i kinda have a dream! i don’t want to talk about it.,joey,"well, it involved monica." +chandler,"you had a dream about a girl that i am seeing?! oh, that is so cool! i cant tell you how many times ive dreamt about a girl that he was seeing. anyway were talking about your dream. i love you. your dream?",joey,"dont worry, there wasnt any sex in it or anything. i havent dreamt about her like that since i found out about you two--ish." +monica,what was the dream about?,joey,"well, okay. you were my girlfriend and we were doing the crossword puzzle. yknow like you guys were doing last night. so, thats it. im in love with monica and ill be moving out." +monica,"wait, joey! joey! that doesn’t mean that-that youre in love with me!",joey,it-it doesn’t? +chandler,"no, it can mean anything. like uh, all of the sudden youre jealous because ive become the apartment stud.",joey,that kinda sounds like your dream dude. +monica,"or, it could mean that-that you saw chandler and me together and we yknow were being close and stuff and then you just want to have that with someone too.",joey,in the dream i did enjoy the closeness. +chandler,"joey, look, are you attracted to monica? right here, right now, are you attracted to her?",joey,not really. +monica,"well sure! im just wearing sweats! but thats good that youre not in love with me, because you just want a girlfriend!",joey,"no, i dont think its just about just getting a girlfriend. yknow? i mean, yeah, i can get a girlfriend! yeah, we could sit in the chair and do crosswords, but yknow are we ever going to have yknow the closeness like-like you guys have?" +chandler,"well yknow, monica and i were friends before we started dating. so maybe-maybe thats it?",joey,friends first? thats interesting. +monica,you become friends after?,joey,"no, never done that either." +rachel,whats up joey?,joey,how you doin? +rachel,"hey! joey, would you mind giving me and ross a hand moving his couch?",joey,"oh, id love too, but i got acting class. but yknow what? i guess i can blow that off, for you." +rachel,thanks!,joey,"uh, hey, rach let me ask you something. uh, i was just over there talking to monica and chandler, boy they are really tight." +rachel,i know.,joey,yeah thats not such a bad situation they got going over there. im thinking of getting me one of those. +rachel,whats up joe?,joey,"well, the reason i think monica and chandler are so great…" +rachel,yeah?,joey,"…is because they were friends first. yknow? so i asked myself, who are my friends? you and phoebe, and i saw you first. so…" +rachel,what are you saying?,joey,im saying maybe you and i crank it up a notch. +rachel,"yknow honey, umm, as uh, as flattered as i am that uh, you saw me first, uhh, i just, i-i dont think we should be cranking anything up.",joey,ill treat you real nice. +rachel,"yeah, well, yknow umm… no honey, listen i think its a great idea to become friends with someone before you date them, but i think the way you do it is yknow you meet someone, become their friend, build a foundation, then you ask them out on a date. dont hit on your existing friends!",joey,wont-wont that take longer? +rachel,"yeah. yeah. oh, but once you find it, ohh its so worth the wait.",joey,"yeah. i understand. i understand. man, i wish i saw phoebe first!" +chandler,"oh, yknow, what did you mean when you said pivot?",joey,hey! +rachel,hey! hows it going? did you make any new friends?,joey,"yeah, yeah, i met this woman." +chandler,"hey, whoa-whoa! whats she like?",joey,"uhh, well, shes…really good in bed." +monica,"joey, i thought you were gonna try to be friends first!",joey,"well look, hey, its all your fault!" +rachel,what?! why?!,joey,"well because you didnt give me advice! no! you gave me a pickup line! as soon as i told her i wanted to yknow, build a foundation and be friends first. i suddenly, through no fault of my own, became irresistible to her! and her roommate!" +monica,what about the closeness?,joey,closeness-shmoshness! there was three of us for crying out loud! +chandler,"ooh, i do! i do! i do!",joey,"oh, great! can you believe i found it on the second floor?" +phoebe and joey,oh my god!,joey,"uhh, just a minute officer!!" +rachel,so uh…i guess we should…make it official huh?,joey,uh… look rach… hey ross is here! hey look! it’s my good friend ross. hey ross. +rachel,hey you.,joey,"hey and look he brought flowers. thanks ross, but i’m really more of a candy guy." +ross,"uh joey, can you give us just a minute?",joey,no. +ross,what?,joey,"oh, i’m sorry. i meant no." +rachel,"i know, i still need to talk to you.",joey,"oh hey but, before you guys do that i need to talk to you, and ross, i need to talk to you." +phoebe,"oh please! just before when you were asleep in the lounge! that armenian family was watching you instead of the tv. oh, that reminds me. that mr. hasmeje still has my gameboy.",joey,"hey chandler, can i talk to you for a second?" +chandler,sure.,joey,dude i just did something terrible. +chandler,that was you?! i thought it was jack!,joey,"no! no, that was jack! rachel thinks i asked her to marry me!" +chandler,what?! why does she think that?,joey,because it kinda looked like i did. +chandler,"again, what?!",joey,"okay well, i was down on one knee with the ring in my hand…" +chandler,as we all are at some point during the day.,joey,it wasn’t my ring! it fell out of ross’s jacket! and when i knelt down to pick it up rachel thought i was proposing! +chandler,ross had a ring?! and he was gonna propose?,joey,i guess. +chandler,and you did it first?! this is gonna kill him! you know how much he loves to propose!,joey,i know! i know it’s awful. +chandler,"well, what did she say?",joey,she said yes. +chandler,does ross know?,joey,"oh god, what the hell am i going to tell him?" +chandler,well maybe you don’t have to tell him anything.,joey,"oh, i like that. yeah…" +chandler,"if you clear things up with rachel then ross never needs to find out, but you have to do it now before he hears about it and kicks your ass!",joey,now let’s not get carried away. +phoebe,especially ross!,joey,"oh uh, hey pheebs. uh y’know what? i’ll-i’ll come back later." +mr. geller,i think there are people in there having sex.,joey,"it can’t be me, i’m standing right here." +ross,y’know what? i don’t like you without mom. come on.,joey,we’re not peeking? +chandler,"hello sir, you know monica.",joey,"hey uh, is it okay to come in?" +rachel,"of course! oh joey, this ring i…it’s beautiful i love it!",joey,"yeah uh look rach, there’s something i gotta tell ya." +nurse,"it’s all right honey, it takes some babies a while to get it, but don’t worry. it’ll happen.",joey,yowsa! +rachel,"okay sweetie, you can do it. just open up and put it in your mouth.",joey,dear lord. +rachel,"i’m sorry honey, what were you saying?",joey,"oh uh-uh yeah, i think that…" +rachel,"oh look, she’s pulling away again! do you think my nipples are too big for her mouth? she looks scared. doesn’t she look scared?",joey,"y’know, i don’t really know her." +nurse,why don’t we try massaging the breast to stimulate the flow.,joey,are you kidding me?! +rachel,it’s just so frustrating! why doesn’t she want my breast?!,joey,i don’t know! maybe she’s crazy! +chandler,you still haven’t told rachel you weren’t really proposing?,joey,"no! she had the ring on, she seemed so excited, and then she took her breast out." +chandler,"joey, you have to tell her what’s going on! and what did it look like?!",joey,i didn’t look at it. stupid baby’s head was blocking most of it. +chandler,go and tell rachel right now before ross finds out.,joey,"look, it’s not that easy. she said she wanted to marry me. i don’t want to hurt her." +chandler,"okay, look, just do it gently.",joey,"you’re right. you’re right. i-i’ll go tell her now before ross finds out and i’ll be gentle. i can do that. i am a gentle person. oh, by the way. two people screwing in there if you want to check that out." +ross,joey proposed to you?,joey,i can come back. +ross,"hey, wait! wait-wait-wait! joey, did you propose to her?",joey,no. +rachel,yes you did!,joey,"actually, technically, i didn’t." +ross,"wait! whoa-whoa, you…you gave her the ring?",joey,"no! no, and i did not ask her to marry me!" +rachel,"yes, you did!",joey,"no, i didn’t!" +rachel,"yes, you did!",joey,"no, i didn’t!" +rachel,"yes, you did! and don’t you say, no, i didn’t!",joey,ahhh! +ross,whoa! you were down on one knee?,joey,"yeah. yeah, that looks bad. but i didn’t…i didn’t propose!" +rachel,"yeah, what did happen?",joey,"okay, the ring fell on the floor and i went down to pick it up and you thought i was proposing." +rachel,"yeah, but you said, will you marry me?",joey,"no, i didn’t!" +rachel,"yes, you did!",joey,"no, i didn’t!" +rachel,"yes, you did—oh my god you didn’t! well then why didn’t you tell me that before?!",joey,"well i tried, but people kept coming in and then you took your breast out!" +ross,"whoa! hey! whoa-whoa-whoa, you saw her breast?!",joey,i’ll tell you about it later. be cool. +rachel,"well then joey, what the hell were you doing with an engagement ring?!",joey,"it wasn’t my ring! it’s ross’s ring! that’s why i felt so bad rach, because he was going to propose." +ross,uhh… no.,joey,"well, this is awkward. {see? i told you so.}" +ross,"but i-i was going to see if y’know, maybe you uh, start dating again but that—i mean that-that was all, rach.",joey,"dude, step up! i proposed." +ross,"no, you didn’t!",joey,oh that’s right. there���s a lot going on here and i think i ate some bad fruit earlier. +ross,i can’t believe you told her i was going to propose!,joey,i can’t believe you’re not going to propose! +ross,"hey, i’m not going to rush into anything!",joey,"oh yeah, dude, i totally understand. usually after i have a baby with a woman i like to slow things down!" +rachel,"she’s doing it look, she’s breast-feeding look!",joey,"ah, it’s beautiful." +rachel,wonderful weird.,joey,"y’know what you guys? i’m uh, i’m gonna go too. and uh, i’m sorry about everything." +rachel,"honey don’t worry, it was my mistake.",joey,"no, rach, i should’ve told you sooner. it’s just that…man! that kid is going to town!" +chandler,why did i get married?!,joey,hey! let me ask you guys something. i have a new headshot taken tomorrow right and the photographer said she thinks ishould have my eyebrows waxed. is that weird for a guy? +phoebe,well it depends.,joey,on...? +monica,"no i totally disagree. no i think its fine for a guy to do something like that. such you an actor. not that you need to,your eyebrows are...",joey,ok! stop it you guys! stop staring! youre freaking me out! +phoebe,your knuckles are kinda hairy too...,joey,oh man! i have to get those done too?! +phoebe,wow! talking about high maintenance,joey,hey hey! you dye your hair! +phoebe,im a woman!,joey,arghhh! double standards! +salon girl,hi,joey,hey. im here for my eyebrow appointment. +salon girl,name?,joey,chandler bing. +salon girl,ok. very good. have a seat right over here mr. bing and sonia will be right with you.,joey,ok thanks.. i touched the stuff +sonia,ill take care of it,joey,thanks. do you get a lot of guys in here? +sonia,oh absolutely.,joey,oh good... +sonia,are you looking to meet somebody?,joey,all right lets just do this. +sonia,"well get to the wax in a minute. first i want to tweeze some of the strays, ok? this may sting just a little bit...",joey,please i have an extremely high threshold...holly mother of god! my face! my face!! im all right! im all right!just a little bit of shock thats all but ill be fine you can go again. im ok dammit! woman!! how hoooow! +monica,to take you to his mansion in the sky-y?,joey,"hey, i need your help." +chandler,"wow, it seems serious. what seems to be the problem, ashley judd?",joey,"look, ill get new headshot taken, all right, so i want to get my eyebrows shaped" +chandler,"i am sorry, moment to make fun of that, please!",joey,"you may be a sissy but ill still . all right, it hurts so bad, i could only let her do oneeyebrow and now... they don�t match!" +chandler,it�s like a baby caterpillar chasing its mama!,joey,"all right, look, you got to help me out, ok? look, i have the magic marker, i want you to fill in the skinny one soi don�t look stupid for my pictures." +chandler,"ok. first of all, this is green!",joey,what the hell am i supposed to do! +chandler,"all right, i will help you out but you have to promise me you will not tell anyone what i am about to tell you.",joey,"what, what." +chandler,"ok, you know how most kids get their allowance from mowing the lawn or taking out the garbage, well i earned mineby plucking the eyebrows of my father and his �business� partners.",joey,oh my god! +chandler,"yeah, well, i guess you don�t need my help victor victoria!",joey,"ok all right, no, no, no, no, i do, i do, i do, i need your help, but chandler i don�t know if i can take anymoreplucking. it hurts so bad!" +chandler,and done!,joey,"oh my god! i didn�t feel a thing ! hey, are you still looking for a job because you can tweeze circles aroundthat sadistic bitch at the saloon" +chandler,thanks. you wanna see what it looks like?,joey,"yeah, yeah. hey, they totally match! they look great! they look great! how you doing!" +chandler,"yeah, yeah, i think it looks pretty good. i was a little worried i was uncovering a birthmark right aboutthere, but it turned out to be a little piece of chocolate.",joey,thank you so much. +chandler,no problem.,joey,"listen that�s a pretty girly hour we just spent, we should add some manly make up for it." +chandler,yeah.,joey,comb my eyelashes. +ross,"yeah, maybe not. so what you wanna do?",joey,hey! +rachel,hi. can emma and i live here for a while?,joey,"ha, oh, of course." +rachel,thank you.,joey,your eyebrows look weird. +rachel,come on joey!!!,joey,"rach, i told you everything i knew last night! look, its not that big of a deal, so monica and chandler are doing it." +rachel,i cant believe you would say that!,joey,sorry. monica and chandler are making love. +rachel,"no! i mean come on! this is a huge deal! fine i want—i need more details, who-who initiated the first kiss?",joey,i dont know. +rachel,is he romantic with her?,joey,i dont know. +rachel,are they in love?,joey,i dont know. +rachel,you dont know anything.,joey,"ohh, i know one thing!" +rachel,what?,joey,they did it right there on the couch. +phoebe,exactly! because its in the past!,joey,anybody gonna eat that? +ross,"i was up all night writing this really nasty letter to emily! it was perfect and now its all covered in-in… actually, thanks!",joey,all right! everybody ready to go to the movies? +ross,"uh actually, i think im gonna skip it.",joey,really? +ross,"yeah, im gonna stay and read my book. i just wanna be alone right now.",joey,"oh. are you sure you dont want to come? tom hanks, meg ryan, they get mail and stuff." +ross,"thats okay, joe.",joey,"all right, lets go pheebs." +monica,"im telling you, somethings wrong! my brother does not stay out all night.",joey,maybe we should check the trash chute. +rachel,ross couldnt fit down the trash chute.,joey,"thats right, he almost could. which is exactly how i got stuck there." +rachel,you walked around all night in the city by yourself?,joey,he hooked up! he hooked up with someone. +ross,"look, i dont have to answer your questions! okay? im a big boy, i can do whatever i want!",joey,he hooked up!! tell us about her! +rachel,ross! janice?!,joey,"all right, hold on! hold on. hold on. this is ross, okay? hes our friend. he obviously went crazy. he obviously lost his mind." +phoebe,so are you actually gonna see her again?,joey,phoebe! dont put ideas in his head! +ross,i am gonna see her again.,joey,damnit phoebe!! +monica,me and chandler?!,joey,"all right, put your 20 bucks down. first one to find the tasty treat wins. okay?" +phoebe,uh-hmm.,joey,all right. lets get the contestants out of their isolation booths. and theyre off! +phoebe,get your foot off my contestant! judge!,joey,"judge rules, no violation." +phoebe,hey!,joey,yeah! +ross,"yknow what? it sounds so weird to say this but, i just had a great day with janice!",joey,what?! +phoebe,"you dont need janice for that, youve got us. we…",joey,and the duck gets the nutter-butter! +phoebe,"no!! hey-hey thats not a nutter-butter, thats just an old wonton!",joey,"judge rules, nutter-butter." +phoebe,"ohh, tough call.",joey,yeah. +chandler,coffee in a fight!,joey,"hey rach! hey, you mind if i read my comic books in here?" +rachel,sure! why?,joey,"oh well, chandler and monica are over there and its kinda hard to concentrate." +janice,okay.,joey,"umm, hi." +janice,"come on over the years none of you ever yknow, got drunk and stupid.",joey,"well, that’s really a different question." +janice,i’m sorry i find it hard to believe that a group of people who spends as much time together as you guys do has never bumped uglies.,joey,"well, there was that one time that monica and rachel got together." +rachel,"excuse me, there was no time!",joey,"okay, but let’s say there was. how might that go?" +ross,"yeah, i’ll take some.",joey,"hey, there’s a dog out there!" +chandler,"bedroom. bathroom. living room. this right here is the kitchen, and thanks for coming by, bye-bye.",joey,"don’t you ah, don’t you wanna ask me any questions?" +chandler,sure. ummm. what’s up?,joey,"well, ah, i’m an actor. i’m fairly neat. i ah, i got my own tv. oh, and don’t worry i’m totally okay with the gay thing." +chandler,what gay thing?,joey,"ah, yknow just in general people being gay, thing. i’m totally cool with that." +monica,hi.,joey,hey! +monica,"hi, again.",joey,hey! +monica,you want some help with that?,joey,"oh, no thanks, i got it. no i don’t!" +monica,whoa! are you okay?,joey,"whew! stood up to fast, got a little head rush." +monica,it’s the heat. and-and the humidity.,joey,"that’s a uh, that’s a tough combination." +monica,do you wanna come in for some lemonade?,joey,like you wouldn’t believe. wow! this is a great place. +monica,thank you. just make yourself comfortable.,joey,gotcha. +monica,"this place is really my grandmother’s. i got it from her when she moved to florida, otherwise i could never afford a place like this. so if the landlord ever asks, i’m 87 year old woman, who’s afraid of her vcr. so are you thirsty?",joey,"oh, you bet i am!" +monica,oh my god!!! what are you doing?!!,joey,"you said, you wanna come in for some lemonade?" +monica,so?!,joey,"whoa, ah!! we’re you just gonna give me some lemonade?" +monica,yeah huh!! cover yourself up!,joey,"oh right, right." +monica,"i don’t believe this! when someone asks you in for lemonade, and to you that means they wanna have sex?",joey,"well usually...yeah! well, not just lemonade, iced tea, sometimes juice. well, sorry, i just, i thought you liked me. i’m such a jerk." +chandler,"so ah, whatcha watching?",joey,baywatch. +chandler,what’s it about?,joey,lifeguards. +chandler,"well, it sounds kinda stupid... who’s she?",joey,nicole eggert. youll like her. +chandler,wow! look at them run.,joey,"they do that a lot. hey, you want a beer?" +chandler,"yeah, i’ll go get one.",joey,"no, no, no, don’t get up, i got a cooler right here." +ross,my wife’s a lesbian.,joey,cool!! +ross,"hey! oh, i’m so glad you guys are here. i’ve been dying to tell",joey,do you think he saw us or can we still sneak out? +ross,"no, i get to teach one of his advanced classes! why didn’t i",joey,"oh! hey rach, listen umm…" +rachel,yeah.,joey,"i got a big date coming up, do you know a good restaurant?" +rachel,"uh, paul’s caf�. they got great food and it’s really",joey,"ooh, great! thanks!" +rachel,"yeah! oh, and then afterwards you can take her to the four seasons",joey,"you sure are naming a lot of ways to postpone sex, i’ll tell ya…" +rachel,"ooh, i miss dating. gettin’ all dressed up and going to a fancy",joey,"hey, y’know what?" +rachel,huh?,joey,why don’t i take you out? +rachel,"what?! joey, you don’t want to go on a date with a pregnant lady.",joey,"yes i do! and we’re gonna go out, we’re gonna have a good time," +rachel,okay! i’ll go with ya! i’ll go! i’ll go,joey,i’ll be fun. +rachel,joey? could you get that? (there is no answer and she goes and opens the,joey,"no, i’m picking you up for our date. these are for you. (hands her" +rachel,"ohh, lilies. joey, they’re my favorite. thank you.",joey,"and, a brownie! well, half a" +rachel,oh man! this is so great! i actually feel like i’m going on a real,joey,"hey come on now, this is a real date. uh, so…nice place you got here." +rachel,"yeah, actually that’s my roommate’s.",joey,i would like to meet him. he sounds like a stand up guy. +rachel,"ah yes, but he’s very protective of me so you’d better watch",joey,"ah… hey, so this roommate of yours…is he good looking?" +rachel,hm-mmm.,joey,"oh yeah, it must be tough to keep your hands of him, huh?" +rachel,"yeah, but i’m pretty sure he’s gay.",joey,"no-no-no-no, he’s not! no! why are you trying to ruin the game? come" +rachel,"emmm. now, instead of the vegetables, is there anyway i can substitute",joey,"y’know what? bring her both, and i’ll have the same. (the" +rachel,"wow! this is shaping up to be a pretty good date—oh, i almost",joey,"oh whoa-whoa-whoa, no roommate stuff. okay? we’re on a date." +rachel,okay. wow! so i get to see what joey tribbiani is like on a date. so do,joey,"no! no. umm, just myself and if they don’t like me for—" +rachel,i knew it! i knew it. come on tell me your moves.,joey,"oh alright. umm, well, okay, i usually start by having a bottle of wine" +rachel,oh my god. and that works?!,joey,"well it does when you combine it with, this is so embarrassing, i" +rachel,"oh, you poor little famous man.",joey,"oh okay, how about this one. i was gonna wait until the end of the night" +rachel,"oh my god! wow! that was fantastic, i almost leaned",joey,"alright, so…so tell me one of your moves." +rachel,alright. so where’d you grow up?,joey,"that’s your move? boy rach, you’re lucky you’re hot." +rachel,"come on, just answer the question!",joey,queens. +rachel,and so were-were you close to your parents?,joey,"yeah, with my mom. yeah, not so much with my dad." +rachel,why not?,joey,i don’t know. i guess there’s just always been this distance +rachel,oh. it’s,joey,"yeah, it is. it’s really tough. y’know sometimes i" +rachel,huh?,joey,"where’d you grow up, it’s so simple!" +rachel,"thank you! and now if you’ll excuse me, i have to go to the rest",joey,yeah. +rachel,and now you’re watching me walk away.,joey,yes i am! again so simple! +rachel,i am not gonna answer that!,joey,"oh come on! just pick one! between monica, phoebe, chandler, and ross if" +rachel,"no one! they are my friends, i wouldn’t punch any of them.",joey,chandler? +rachel,"yeah, but i don’t know why. look at me, i’m having such a",joey,"me too! hey rach, can i just say i think this is the best date i ever had!" +rachel,i know!,joey,i never laughed so hard—did you see the wine come out of my nose? +rachel,"joey, i think everyone saw the wine come out of your nose.",joey,"i gotta say, i never knew i could enjoy the non-sex part of the date so" +rachel,well that is because you have never been on a date with me before.,joey,huh. huh. +rachel,"all right, now don’t judge me. i normally wait until my date",joey,"ah! okay, well then you don’t judge me. i’m gonna suck on the" +rachel,"so tell me, what are joey tribbiani’s end of the night moves?",joey,"ah, well, if i want the girl to kiss me, first thing i do is make my lips" +rachel,how do you do that?,joey,"now you can’t tell anyone, but uh…i put on shiny lip balm." +rachel,oh my god!,joey,"yeah, like a moth to a flame, i’m telling ya. okay all right, so now" +rachel,"no, i don’t want to tell you.",joey,why not? +rachel,because it’s embarrassing.,joey,more embarrassing than shiny raspberry lip balm?! (rachel just looks at +rachel,"okay. all right, stand up. well, when we’re",joey,"yeah. why—yeah, that would work for ya…" +rachel,"all right, i gotta go to bed. honey, i had such a wonderful time.",joey,oh. yeah. me to. (he then +ross,"besides, i-i think i figured out a much faster route, i’m sure i can",joey,hey! +rachel,relax! it’s not like it’s citizen kane!,joey,have you ever tried to sit through citizen kane? +rachel,"yeah i know it’s really boring, but it’s like a big deal.",joey,"oh yeah? all right, let’s do it tonight." +rachel,well don’t you have that big date tonight?,joey,oh right! +rachel,"hey joey, can i ask you something?",joey,yeah. +rachel,"after our date last night, did you feel a little weird?",joey,"oh my god! you did too? it totally freaked me out, what was that?!" +rachel,i don’t know! i’m-i’m kinda thinking it-it was,joey,"oh yeah-yeah, the lobster." +rachel,"yeah, i mean i was up sick all night.",joey,"yeah me too, all night." +rachel,really?! how come we didn’t cross paths?,joey,"yeah well that’s because uh…i stayed in my room. yeah, you" +joeys date,hey. are you all right? you seem a little distracted.,joey,"no-no! i’m fine. it’s just… hey, can i ask you something?" +joeys date,you mean like from behind?,joey,"yeah. yeah, that…that’s exactly it. you’re right. yeah." +joeys date,"ew, y’know what? one time i saw this guy from behind and he",joey,"ooh! yeah. so yeah, so you know exactly what i’m talking" +joeys date,totally! wow! would you excuse me for a sec?,joey,"oh yeah, sure. (she gets up, walks towards the bathroom, and joey watches" +rachel,oh god! thank god you’re home! i’m watching cujo.,joey,alone?! +rachel,yes! but what is wrong with this dog?!,joey,"hey, did you get to the part where they’re trapped in the car and" +rachel,"no! no! seriously, what’s wrong with the dog?! wait a minute, what",joey,"oh uh, it didn’t work out." +rachel,oh. do you want to watch the rest of the movie with me?,joey,"oh uh, okay. yeah." +rachel,"y’know, i never thought i’d say this about a movie, but i",joey,"oh sure, yeah, why not?" +rachel,"okay. okay, that’s him! that’s him! that’s",joey,"all right, i know! i know. yeah, it’ll be okay." +rachel,oh my god….what’s he gonna do now? i can’t watch! (drags,joey,terrified. +ross,"no, no, with him. im on this field, and they, they hike me the baby... and i, i know ive gotta do something cause the tampa bay defence is comin right at me.",joey,tampa bays got a terrible team. +chandler,what are you crazy? thats a baby!,joey,he should take the sack? +chandler,"hey, youre gonna be fine. youre one of the most caring, most responsible men in north america. youre gonna make a great dad.",joey,"yeah, ross. you and the baby just need better blocking." +chandler,"well, only if you order stuff.",joey,im takin ursula tonight. its her birthday. +ross,wo-wo-whoa. what about phoebes birthday?,joey,whens that? +ross,tonight.,joey,"oh, man. whatre the odds of that happening?" +chandler,there it is! so whatre you gonna do?,joey,"what can i do? look, i dont want to do anything to screw it up with ursula." +chandler,and your friend phoebe?,joey,"well, if shes my friend, hopefully shell understand. i mean, wouldnt you guys?" +monica,yes.,joey,hey. +phoebe,trouble?,joey,your sister stood me up the other night. +ross,well did you try calling her?,joey,"ive been trying for two days. when i called the restaurant, they said she was too busy to talk. i cant believe shes blowin me off." +phoebe,hey.,joey,urse... +phoebe,"listen, um...",joey,"no, no, no, dont say listen. i know that listen. ive said that listen." +phoebe,im sorry.,joey,i dont get it. what happened? what about everything you said under the bridge? +phoebe,": yeah, um... you know you, you should just forget about what i said under the bridge, i was talkin crazy that night, i was so drunk!",joey,you dont drink. +phoebe,"thats right, i dont... but i was, i was drunk on you!",joey,"oh, urse..." +phoebe,"okay, yeah, so its not gonna work.",joey,why? is it because im friends with phoebe? +phoebe,"if it was, would you stop hanging out with her?",joey,"no. no, i, i couldnt do that." +phoebe,"um, then yes, its cause of phoebe! so, you know, its either her or me.",joey,"then, uh, then im sorry." +phoebe,"you know... youre gonna be really, really hard to get over.",joey,i know... +phoebe,really?,joey,pheebs? +ross,he looks so tiny.,joey,we just got the message. +all,"�hola, joey!",joey,"�hola, amigos!" +ross,�lo que sucedio es que no le gusta la tele!,joey,hey! +ross,hi!,joey,who wants french toast? +ross,"oh, i’ll have some!",joey,"good, me too. eggs and milk are in the fridge. thanks." +chandler,"well, you couldn’t get them anyway. ian doesn’t plan anymore and derrick… and derrick is a name i shouldn’t know.",joey,"hey mon, do you have another pillow? y’know, something a little snugglyer?" +chandler,why are you napping over here instead of over at your place?,joey,"well, the duck…" +rachel,what?! the duck?! what the hell did the damn duck do now?!,joey,"uh, well he did not get sick somewhere in there and it was immediately found and properly cleaned up!" +chandler,uh-huh!,joey,"guys! guys!! you gotta let me nap! ugh, i’m gonna get cranky!" +rachel,"joey, there is a perfectly good couch across the hall!",joey,"yes it is perfectly good, and it is not one of the places the duck got sick!" +rachel,what?!,joey,"all right, i’m gonna go!" +rachel,"now joey, what did the duck do?!",joey,i don’t know! but he did not eat your face cream! +rachel,"hey joey, what ‘cha doing?",joey,sweepin’. why? turn you on? +rachel,no.,joey,huh. what if i was sweeping a chimney? +rachel,"joey, did you my face cream?",joey,where are you going? the vicar won’t be home for hours. +rachel,"joey, where did you learn that word?",joey,"where do you think, zelda?" +rachel,you found my book?!,joey,yeah i did! +rachel,"joey, what-what are you doing going into my bedroom?!",joey,"okay, look i’m sorry, i went in there to take a nap and i know i shouldn’t have, but you got porn!" +rachel,"hey-hey, y’know what? i don’t care! i’m not ashamed of my book. there’s nothing with a woman enjoying a little…erotica. it’s just a healthy expression of female sexuality, which by the way, you will never understand.",joey,you got porn! +phoebe,"wow, money and a firm hand. finally a chandler i can get on board with.",joey,hey rach. +rachel,joey.,joey,"hey rach, do you smell smoke?" +rachel,"uh-huh, i get it, smoke, chimney, chimney sweep, very funny, ha-ha.",joey,"no-no-no, i’m serious. you don’t smell it? something’s on fire." +rachel,"well no, i don’t smell anything.",joey,"oh, y’know what? it’s probably just your burnin’ loins." +ross,"he said he liked that!! oh you’re right, you’re right. i’m sorry.",joey,"dude, what are you massaging an old man for?" +ross,his daughter was hot.,joey,gotcha. +monica,oh good. ending credits,joey,"hello, zelda." +rachel,who are you supposed to be?,joey,the vicar! +rachel,do you even know what a vicar is?,joey,"like a goalie, right?" +rachel,"yeah. look joey, it’s enough all right?! you keep making these stupid jokes and this sleazy innuendoes and it’s—i’m not—it’s just not funny anymore!",joey,"all right, i’m sorry. rach i—rach i’m sorry. okay? i’m sorry! maybe i can make up for it by, taking you roughly in the barn." +rachel,all right! y’know what? that’s it! you wanna do it?! let’s do it!,joey,huh? +rachel,"that’s right, i wanna do it with you! i’ve been trying to fight it, but you just said all the right things.",joey,i-i-i-i did? +rachel,"yeah! ohh, i’ve been waitin’ so long to get on that body!",joey,this body? +rachel,yeah that’s right! come on joey; sex me up!,joey,"hey-hey, you’re startin’ to sound like the butcher’s wife there in-in chapter seven." +rachel,"oh, come on now, don’t keep me waiting. get those clothes off! but, i would keep that helmet on because you’re in for a rough ride!",joey,"i don’t want to, i’m scared." +ross,okay.,joey,"well, that went well. yeah." +emily,you’ve spoiled everything! it’s like a nightmare! my friends and family are out there! how can i face them?! how can you do this to me?!,joey,"hey, no matter what happens with ross and emily, we still get cake right?" +mr. geller,"oh yeah, well who serves steak when there’s no place to sit, i mean how are you supposed to eat this?",joey,"hey, what’s up?" +monica,"joey, what are you doing? you promised phoebe you wouldn’t eat meat until she has the babies!",joey,"well, i figured we’re in another country, so it doesn’t count." +ross,but it absolutely didn’t. it didn’t!! it didn’t!!,joey,"ross, hey, the band’s ready outside for your first dance with emily, so…" +ross,"oh! oh-oh, the band’s ready! well, i-i-we gotta do what the band says—i don’t care about the stupid band!!",joey,you spit on me man! +ross,"look, i’m sorry.",joey,"emily is kinda taking a long time, huh?" +monica,no time for that!,joey,"hey, dude, let me in. i got a girl out here!" +chandler,"well, i’ve got a girl in here.",joey,"no you don’t, i just saw you go in there with monica!" +chandler,"well, we’re-we’re hanging out in here!",joey,"look, which one of us is gonna be having sex in there, me or you?" +monica,"which we are, and-and we already paid for it. it’s my giant!",joey,my giant? i love that movie! +chandler,‘kay!,joey,can i ask you something? +chandler,"uhh, no.",joey,"felicity and i, we’re watching my giant, and i was thinking, i’m never gonna be as good an actor as that giant. do you think i’m just wasting my life with this acting thing?" +chandler,no.,joey,"i mean, the giant is like five years younger than me, y’know, you think i’ll ever get there?" +chandler,yes.,joey,thanks man. +chandler,okay man.,joey,but what about how much taller he is than me? +monica,i know!,joey,"had the beef-tips, huh?" +chandler,hey!,joey,hi! +phoebe,this pregnancy is throwing me all off.,joey,"all right, i’m gonna go say hi the chick and the duck." +phoebe,"oh, me too!",joey,"why would you need to say hi to them, you’ve been feeding them for four days?" +ross,ezel? ezel? ezel?,joey,"hey ross! listen, do you want to go see that new imax movie on tide pools?" +ross,really?!,joey,"no. but i got knicks tickets for you, me, and chandler." +ross,sweet!,joey,"all right, well finish your coffee; let’s go." +ross,okay i-i just have to stop by my place first.,joey,"to tape the game? you do this every time ross, you’re not gonna be on tv!" +ross,"no-no, i-i have to see if this apartment became available.",joey,"oh, you’re switching apartments?" +ross,"it’s not for me, it’s for rachel.",joey,but rachel has an apartment. +ross,"yeah, but when the baby comes she’s gonna want to move.",joey,she is? +ross,"yeah, you didn’t expect her to live there with a baby did you?",joey,i guess i didn’t really think about it. +rachel,hey!,joey,hey! +rachel,how was the game?,joey,"oh, okay. i…i ate way too much." +rachel,oh.,joey,"ooh. so umm, i was talkin’ to ross and he said you were looking for a new place." +rachel,oh yeah! hopefully across the street if certain dutch people would just let go.,joey,i was kinda hoping you’d stay. +rachel,"oh but joey, i have to go. there’s no room for a baby here.",joey,"no room? it’s a baby. it’s like this big. y’know, i mean you-you could you could put it over here. or-or-or we could put it right here. aw, it’s cute, right? or-or we could put it over here. you wouldn’t even notice it. where’s the baby?" +rachel,"honey, it’s not just a matter of where you put it. i mean a baby changes everything. they cry all the time. i mean imagine bringing home some girl and trying to score when there’s a screaming baby around.",joey,i could use a challenge! it’s getting pretty easy. +rachel,"honey, it’s so sweet that you want me to stay, but i-i can’t do that to you. i mean it would disrupt your entire life.",joey,i love living with you so much. i just wish things didn’t have to change. +rachel,i know.,joey,y’know i blame ross for this. +rachel,i do too a little bit.,joey,"i’m gonna miss you, you’re the hottest roommate i ever had." +rachel,what is this?,joey,"hey! uh, this is just to give you an idea. okay well, we can put screens here, so that the baby has privacy, and-and-and maybe a mobile over the crib. and uh—oh look! here’s a baby monitor , which until the baby comes we can use as walkie-talkies. huh?" +rachel,you’re so sweet. oh my god! and you gave the baby hugsy!,joey,ahhhhhhhhhhhh…. that-that-that’s really just to show where the baby would go. y’know why don’t i hold on to him so that there’s no confusion? +rachel,"but joey the baby is going to be crying, it’s going to be loud.",joey,i’m loud! +rachel,it’s gonna be up all night!,joey,i’m up all night! +rachel,it’s gonna poop!,joey,hello! +rachel,what about all the women you want to bring home?,joey,"look, if i’m bringing home a woman who can’t stand being around a baby, then maybe i don’t want to be with that woman! or maybe we’ll just do it in the bathroom of the club!" +rachel,"joey, are you sure?",joey,"yeah! all right—look, i know sometimes it’ll be hard, okay? but, it’ll also be really…really great. please rachel! i-i-i really want you to stay." +rachel,i want me to stay too.,joey,ohh! +rachel,thank you. oh joey and look at this crib! it’s so cute!,joey,i know! i found it on the street. +rachel,are you serious—really?! it’s in such good condition.,joey,yeah. +rachel,wow! whoa-whoa what’s under the covers?,joey,i don’t know. +rachel,it’s moving.,joey,ew. +rachel,it’s still——it’s got a tail! get it out of here! get it out of here!!,joey,ooh! ah! okay! dedicated to the memory of pearl harmon +rachel,ewww. yeah. umm. i think i’m gonna stay here.,joey,isn’t that great? +chandler,dont do anything. keep it inside. learn how to hide your feelings! dont cry outloud.,joey,yes! guess whos in an audition for a broadway musical? +chandler,"i want to say you but, that seems like such an easy answer.",joey,"it is me! its a musical version of tale of two cities. so i think im gonna sing new york, new york, and ah, oh i left my heart in san francisco." +ross,"ah joey, i dont think you get to pick the cities.",joey,what? +ross,mr. dickens gets to pick em.,joey,who? +chandler,ill get you the cliff notes.,joey,the what? +chandler,the abridgment.,joey,"oh, okay. the what?" +monica,"how would that go? well, it didnt rhyme, but i liked it.",joey,"youve got to pick a pocket or two. boyyyyssss, youve got to pick a pocket or two.........." +director,"lovely, just lovely.",joey,really? thanks. +director,"listen joey, we definitely want to see you for the callback on saturday.",joey,"excellent, ill be there." +director,"okay, and listen dont forget to bring your jazz shoes for the dance audition.",joey,"ahhh! my ah, my agent said it wasnt a dancing part." +chandler,....three years of modern dance with twila tharp! five years with the american ballet theater?!,joey,"hey, everybody lies on their resume, okay. i wasnt one of the zoom kids either." +phoebe,"well, can you dance at all?",joey,"yeah, i can dance, yknow." +phoebe,"what, what is that?",joey,"sure, it looks stupid now, theres no music playing." +monica,"it was soo amazing, he is so sexy, and smart, which makes him even sexier. oh gosh, i gotta so you this. last night, we were fooling around and he stops to write a poem.",joey,get out! i couldnt stop if a meteor hit me. +chandler,"okay, we have our stripper. a miss crystal chandelier.",joey,"well sure, you name a kid that, what do you expect them to grow up to be?" +monica,"anyway um, when he left he forgot to take the poem with him. now, i am like totally dense about poetry, but i think its pretty good all right. check it out.",joey,the empty vase. translucent beauty... +monica,"oh, im so glad you guys like it. yay! all right i gotta go to work.",joey,"whoa, im not done." +phoebe,"oh, totally. oh, god, oh, she seemed so happy too.",joey,done. +ross,"yeah well if, if, if mark said that, than marks an idiot.",joey,marks a genius! +chandler,"all right fine, dont do anything, just sit here and talk to us, meanwhile she is talking to him about you. and hes being mr. joe sensitive, and she starts thinking maybe this is the guy for me, because he understands me.",joey,"and before you know it, shes with him. and youll be all, ohh, man! and hell be all, yes! and us, well be like, wh-whoa, dude. and pretty soon youll be like, hhiii, and, and, and, i cant go, rachel and mark might be there. and well be like, man get over it, its been four years!!" +director,"ah joey. joey tribbiani. listen joey, i got a problem, i just got a call from my dance captain, hes having a relationship crisis and cant get out of long island.",joey,"so, does that mean the audition is off?" +director,"listen joey, seeing as youve got the most experience, i want you to take these dancers and show them the combination.",joey,what?! +director,"aw come on joey, its easy. yknow, its hand, hand, head, head, up, pas de bouree, pas de bouree, big turn here, grand sissone, sissone, sissone, slide back, step, step, step, and jazz hands!",joey,"its ah, step-ity, step and jazz hands." +director,have fun.,joey,bye. +director,"no, no, no. what was that?",joey,"i know, it was the best i could get out of them." +director,"well, people!",joey,"people, people, people." +chandler,wow!,joey,exellent dream score. +phoebe,"uh, uh, gimme. can you see me operating a drill press?",joey,i dont know. what are you wearing? +phoebe,"no, nothing like that. i was just...such a dummie. i taught this massage-yourself-at-home-workshop. and they are.",joey,"hey, hey, chan. she could work for you." +ross,"oh, its my new beeper.",joey,what the hell does a paleontologist need a beeper for? +monica,thank you.,joey,how young is young ethan? young? +rachel,a-ha!,joey,would you let it go ross. it was just a dream. it doesnt mean... +ross,"oh, oh. oh, oh. oh this is it. oh my god its baby time. baby time.",joey,"all right, relax, relax. just relax, just relax. be cool, be cool." +ross,"yeah, hi, i was just beeped. no, andr� is not here. third time today. yes, im sure... no, sir. i dont perform those kind of services.",joey,"services? oh, services." +ross,"yeah, you want 55-jumbo. yeah, thats right. thats right, jumbo with a u, sir. no, belive me, you dont want me. judging by his number, id be a huge disappointment. all rightie, bye bye.",joey,"hey, hey. how was the first day?" +ross,"oh, oh chandler...",joey,"oh... yeah, you do." +ross,the hills were alive with the sound of music.,joey,my scones. +rachel,"all right, fine. um, you were not the only one there. joey was there too.",joey,all right. +ross,huh!,joey,"so, tell me. was it like you and chandler, and then you and me, or you and me and chandler?" +rachel,you know what?,joey,what? +rachel,"i, i didnt say any... i sw... i did not say anything, i swear. he stopped by.",joey,"listen, the next time you talk to him, can you ask him which one the strongest power ranger is?" +ross,its morphin time!,joey,stegosaurus! +ross,"oh, carol and i have a new system. if she punches in 911, it means shes having a baby, otherwise i just ignore it.",joey,what about andr�? +rachel,true story.,joey,theyre here already? +ross,are youre hands still wet?,joey,"uh, moist, yeah." +ross,"joey, get out of the fridge.",joey,"all right, all right." +ross,what is that?,joey,for the ride. +ross,"thats nice. get out lets go, come on.",joey,"all right, im going. im going." +chandler,"well, whatever it is, i hope it involves winking.",joey,hey! +all,hey!,joey,"so i just talked to one of the dool writers today, and…" +monica,what is dool?,joey,"days of our lives. anyway, you’re not gonna believe it! my character is coming out of his coma!!" +chandler,that’s great!,joey,"and-and-and not only that, i’m gettin’ a new brain!!" +rachel,"wait, what do you mean you’re getting a new brain?",joey,"oh well, they’re killing off one of the characters on the show, and when she dies her brain is being transplanted into my body." +ross,what? a brain transplant?!,joey,"yes, it’s a highly controversial procedure." +ross,it’s ridiculous!,joey,"well, i think it’s ridiculous that you haven’t had sex in three and a half months." +monica,who are they killing off?,joey,"uh cecilia monroe, she plays jessica lockhart." +monica,she’s my favorite character on dool.,joey,nice. +rachel,"cecilia monroe man, what a great actress.",joey,"oh, tell me about it. and she’s been on the show forever, it’s gonna be really hard to fill her shoes." +ross,"yeah-yeah, help me out here, when you come out of the brain transplant, you are going to be her?",joey,"yes, but in drake remoray’s body. why is this so hard for you to get? i thought you were a scientist!" +the director,cut!,joey,that was a great scene! and-and-and that slap looks so real! how do you do that? +dina,can i get some ice here?!,joey,"oh anyway, i just wanted to say how wonderful i think you are." +cecilia,you’re not the fan who’s dying are you?,joey,say what? +cecilia,"i’m supposed to meet and hug a fan whose dying, but that’s not supposed to be until later!",joey,"no. no, i’m joey tribbiani; we did a scene together yesterday. i-i’m the guy in the coma!" +cecilia,oh that was a real person?!,joey,"an-an-anyway i-i just wanted to say that since i’m getting your brain when you leave the show, i was wondering if there was any tips you can give me…" +cecilia,i-i-i’m leaving the show?,joey,i don’t know. why? did you hear something? +cecilia,who told you that?,joey,"oh uh, one of the writers." +cecilia,which one? was it bald or was it tall?,joey,umm… +cecilia,y’know what? it doesn’t matter! because it is not true!,joey,okay. +cecilia,"and if it were true, how dare you come to me ask me for tips about a character that i’ve been playing for 20 years—i’ll give you a tip!",joey,ms. monroe… oh there you go. +rachel,ohh!,joey,so you like the nachos uh? myself i’m partial to… +dina,i’m 16.,joey,see you in 2003. +cecilia,"you’re absolutely right they are writing me out of the show. they don’t know exactly when it’s going to happen, but apparently going to be very soon and that’s it.",joey,"i’m so sorry. look, if it was up to me you would never leave the show." +cecilia,"yeah, thanks.",joey,no i mean it! i can’t believe they would do this to you! and to your fans! i mean they are going to be devastated! heart broken! they love you so much! +cecilia,oh you’re right. thank you! what’s your name again?,joey,joey. +cecilia,i’m having a conversation here! you were saying?,joey,"uh yeah-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye—l-l-l-l-l-look the-the-the only reason that i, that i came up to you before was because well, i’m really nervous about-about being you. y’know if you can help me capture the essence of the character. y’know? help me keep jessica alive. please?" +cecilia,"all right joey, i will help you. not because i-i owe it to this stupid show, but because i owe it to jessica.",joey,oh that’s great! oh thank you so much! +cecilia,you’re so welcome.,joey,"hey! now, i’ve been watching some tapes, how’s this? jessica lockhart will never step foot in this place again! ever!!" +cecilia,is that supposed to be me?,joey,yeah. +cecilia,yeah but jessica doesn’t have an english accent.,joey,i can do an english accent?! that baby’s going on my resume! +cecilia,"so, the essence of the character is rooted in her confidence. so, when jessica enters a room for instance, she owns everything and every person in that room. you try.",joey,okay! all right! +cecilia,"no, he already knows that he owns everything in the room! he’s not finding it out for the first time! so, try it again.",joey,okay. okay. +cecilia,"right. he’s not angry at the room either. try it again, he owns it! he owns the room. it is his. he owns, owns, owns, owns the room! he owns it!! all right, it’s a little weird, but it’s getting better. oh well, i’m gonna miss this woman so much. i don’t know what i’m going to do! i mean, it’s been 20 years of my life.",joey,"oh well—hey-hey! maybe, maybe uh, maybe this is a good thing. y’know? it’ll-it’ll give you a chance to shake things up, play different characters. you’re so talented." +cecilia,"i am. i am, but i don’t know you know. an actor of a certain age is not that easy.",joey,"hey that’s not true! look at uh, look at angela lansb—angelina jolie!" +cecilia,"i probably should’ve just left years ago when the offers were pouring in, but y’know i just got so comfy here! and… ohh, i turned down some amazing work!",joey,like-like what? +cecilia,"well, let’s just say if i left 15 years ago, the landscape of mexican cinema would be very different today!",joey,wow! +cecilia,"but… well now, now’s a different time for me.",joey,"oh hey come on, don’t-don’t-don’t do this! umm, look let-let me tell you something, okay? now when i watch you do a scene, i’m thinking, boy, she-she is a great actress! uh but-but, i am also thinking, she is hot!" +cecilia,you think i’m hot?,joey,you own the room. we should probably get-get uh… +cecilia,"oh yeah-yeah, we should get the… so when jessica kisses a man, she usually puts umm, both her hands on the man’s face.",joey,"yeah-yeah, i noticed that! is that ‘cause she’s so passionate?" +cecilia,no! it’s because that way the camera only sees her! do you wanna try it?,joey,yeah! okay. +cecilia,"well, you certainly own that room.",joey,"actually i rent the whole place and, i just got what you meant. thank you." +rachel,hi.,joey,hey! +rachel,monica!!!! monica!!!!,joey,"that uh, that is my roommate rachel." +cecilia,oh that explains all the women’s underwear.,joey,sure. yep. +rachel,"god. you seem really, really nice.",joey,"okay, bye-bye." +rachel,i mean n-not-not fake at all like most famous people.,joey,"all right, here we go." +monica,nice to meet you! my god you’re great!,joey,thanks for stopping by. see ya! i-i am so sorry. i… +cecilia,"oh no-no-no-no, being adored. i’m used to it, don’t worry about it.",joey,oh my god! +cecilia,what?,joey,they sent me today’s script! they never send the script! +cecilia,they don’t?,joey,"well no, i’m just in a coma. this must mean i have lines! oh…" +cecilia,how does it happen?,joey,"ew, you get thrown from a horse into an electric fence." +cecilia,ah what?! jessica hates horses!,joey,"yeah well, i’m guessing after this she’s not going to be crazy about electricity either." +dina,"i can’t believe she’s really gone. look around you, all of this is ours.",joey,i don’t think so. +cecilia,"that was so wonderful! ohh, i think that you’re a better jessica than i ever was!",joey,oh noo… +cecilia,"well of course not, but you were very good.",joey,thanks! +cecilia,and guess what? good news! i got another job!,joey,great! hey! all right! well-well what is it?! +cecilia,a film in guadalajara!,joey,the airport? +cecilia,no that’s la guardia. this is mexico.,joey,"ohh. wow! well how-how, how will you be gone?" +cecilia,eight months.,joey,that’s a really long time. +cecilia,"yeah, but you can come and visit me. i bet that you could uh, own a few places down there.",joey,"well i tell ya, i should probably buy a place in the city first. and i just got what you meant again—that is—i tell ya, that is a tricky one!" +cecilia,"that is a tricky one. well, joey i really wanna thank you. you’ve, well you made a very difficult time for me a little less painful.",joey,good luck. +"episode, friends",the stuff you’ve never seen can be read by following this link.),joey,"okay, pick a card, any card. all right, now memorize it. show to everybody. got it?" +monica,um-mm.,joey,"all right, give it back to me. 5 of hearts." +monica,"wow. joey, how do you do it?",joey,"i can’t tell you that, no." +rachel,good luck.,joey,"all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, you really wanna know how i did it, i’ll show ya. when you handed me back the card, what you didn’t see was, i looked at it so fast that it was invisible to the naked eye. i just did it. i just did it, again. here, i’ll slow it down so that you guys can see it." +chandler,"yeah, she was at rockefeller center skating with her husband, she looked so happy. i almost feel bad for whipping that kid’s pretzel at them.",joey,"man, i remember the first time i saw that girl katherine, after we broke up. she was just walking with her friend donna, just laughing and talking. god, it killed me." +chandler,"yes, but you ended up having sex with both of them that afternoon.",joey,"sorry, i just, any excuse to tell that story yknow...." +monica,"joey, where are the jell-o shots?",joey,"i don’t know, chandler is supposed to be passin’ ‘em around..." +monica,oh my!!,joey,oh my god! how many of these things did you have? these are pure vodka. +ross,"hey, joey. are men ever nice to strange women for no reason?",joey,"no, only for sex." +joey’s sisters,joey!!! happy birthday!!,joey,hey!! hey-hey-hey! +ross,that’s okay.,joey,can i talk to you for a second?! +rachel,hey.,joey,come on!! +chandler,"why can’t we talk in here? with, with, witnesses.",joey,i just got off the phone with my sister. +ross,"ah, which, which one?",joey,mary-angela. +ross,mary-angela.,joey,yeah. +monica,yknow which one was she again?,joey,"why don’t you ask chandler, ‘cause he’s the one that fooled around with her. she told me you said you could really fall for her. now is that true? or are you just gettin’ over janice by groping my sister." +chandler,it’s gotta be the first one.,joey,"really? that’s great! you and my sister, sittin’ in a tree." +chandler,"joey, what-wh-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-what are you doing here?",joey,waiting for my grandma to finish my laundry. what about you? +chandler,i’m here to see mary-angela.,joey,"you are so the man! now look, listen, listen, you got to be cool, ‘cause my grandma doesn’t know about you two yet, and you do not want to tick her off. she was like the sixth person to spit on mussolinis hanging body. yeah." +chandler,where’s mary-angela?,joey,she’s right in there. +chandler,no joey! no joey! don’t joey! joey!,joey,what’s goin’ on? +mary-theresa,it’s no big deal. chandler was just kissin’ me because he thought i was mary-angela.,joey,"what?! how could you do that, how could you think she was mary-angela?" +chandler,"yknow what, we should all calm down because your brother’s not going to punch me. are ya?",joey,"well, that is usually what i would do. but i just never thought you’d be on the receiving end of it. how could you do this?!" +all,yeah! punch him! punch him!,joey,"no! no! no! no, i’m not going to punch chandler." +cookie,i’ll do it.,joey,"no you won’t. look he knows he did a terrible thing and i believe him, he’s sorry. but, you’ve got one more apology to make, all right, you’ve got to apologize to mary-angela." +chandler,"okay, absolutely!",joey,all right. +chandler,you’ve got it.,joey,"cookie, now you can punch him!" +ross,maybe the pogo-stick likes it too?,joey,"all right, that’s it! he cannot do this to phoebe. this guy is going to get the butt kicking of a lifetime! but, is he a big guy?" +guy,may i help you?,joey,hey guys! +monica,"hey, let me tell them!",joey,sure. +chandler,what did i marry into?,joey,would you guys want to come down tomorrow and watch me tape the show? +ross,"oh, and chandler and i have this stupid college alumni thing. i cant believe you get to meet donny osmond.",joey,seriously? +donny osmond,"yeah! welcome, it is soap opera week here on pyramid, lets meet our contestants. first, gene lester is a database specialist, hes gonna be playing with days of our lifes star joey tribbiani!",joey,"i know it could be intimidating for regular people to be around celebrities but... relax, im just like you! only better looking and richer." +donny,"you crossed the line. joey, describe for gene these things that have lines. give me 20 seconds on the clock, please. ready, go!",joey,"uhm... ok. its a store, like a supermarket. oh! i see-i see what i did. yeah, ok, ok, uhm... im writing in my..." +gene,diary.,joey,"noo, more like a notebook... damn it! oh, if im building an house, the plan isnt called the shmoo-print... cant say that either? woha... hey... in high school, i once had sex with a girl right in the middle of the..." +gene,cafeteria.,joey,yeah! but that is not what theyre looking for. oooh! +donny,"now gene i must remind you, you need all six of these to stay in the game, all right? describe for joey things you find in your refrigerator.",joey,"ahaha, he might as well just give us the points." +gene,you put this in your coffee.,joey,a spoon. your hands. your face! +gene,its white!,joey,"paper, snow, a ghost!" +gene,its heavier then milk!,joey,"a rock, a dog, the earth." +gene,you put this on a sandwich.,joey,"salami, anchovies, jam!" +gene,its white!,joey,"paper, snow, a ghost!" +gene,its made from eggs!,joey,chickens? +gene,pass!,joey,oh! +gene,you put this on a hamburger!,joey,ketchup! +gene,yes!,joey,relish! +gene,stop!,joey,oh. +donny,"oh, times up! joey! you were, uh, almost on a roll there...",joey,yeah... +donny,"uh, gene, youre gonna have a chance to go to the winner circle in the second half. but right now henrietta you are going to the winner circle to try your luck for ten thousand dollars, right after this, dont go away. stage manager : and were out!",joey,"oh, so we didnt win, but its fun to play the game, right?" +gene,"hey! i got a kid starting college. ive to get surgery on my knee, you just lost me ten grand!",joey,"oh, wow! im so sorry, ok? i promise, well do better next time!" +gene,"well, i will, because i wont be playing with you.",joey,"hey, you know, some of those are pretty hard! like why would there be a ghost in my fridge? . yeah!" +donny,"ok henrietta, youve picked jack and jill went up the hill.",joey,my friend rachel has a kid. i totally know nursery rhymes! +donny,joey describe these things associated with the united states congress. give me 20 seconds on the clock please. ready? go!,joey,"oh, .. uh... uh... pass. pass. pass. okay, the little thing that hangs down at the back of your throat." +henrietta,uvula!,joey,"oh, then pass." +donny,"well, welcome to the winner circle. joey and gene, you guys ready?",joey,yeah... +gene,"oak, maple, elm, birch...",joey,i-i-i dont know. types of trees? +gene,"uhm... buenos días, enchilada, por favor...",joey,"oh, im so sorry. i dont know any spanish words." +gene,"a match, a candle...",joey,things that go tssst when you put them out. +gene,"a torch, a bonfire... uhm, your pee...",joey,things that burn. +gene,"id like to go for a walk, uhm scratch my belly.",joey,"dude, dude! i think youre losing it." +gene,"uhm, i have fur, i like to bark.",joey,"oh, oh, oh... what a dog says." +gene,pepperoni...,joey,"pizza toppings, next!" +gene,"cindy crawford, christie brinkley, heidi klum, claudia schiffer...",joey,"oh, oh, oh..." +gene,"christie turlington, kate moss...",joey,girls chandler could never get? +gene,supermodels!,joey,where? +chandler,all right.,joey,hey monica! +monica,hi!,joey,"hey man, you feeling any better?" +monica,"joey, we have something to tell you.",joey,oh my god! you’re pregnant! +chandler,"no-o-o! no? no-o-o! look joey, here’s the thing, monica and i have decided to live together, here. so, i’m gonna be moving out man.",joey,"wow! well, uh… hey! i’m really happy for you guys! congratulations! see you later." +monica,wait! joey! joey! are you okay?!,joey,"yeah, i gotta go! i got an acting job. like you’d believe that. this sucks!" +chandler,"look, i-i’m just gonna be right across the hall and i promise you, the minute monica and i break up i’m moving right back in with you!",joey,"okay! look-look-look, uh, if you’re gonna be moving in with him i feel it’s my responsibility to tell you the truth about him! okay? he’s a terrible roommate! terrible! he uh, forgets to umm… oh-oh he always, he always umm—oh, who am i kidding! he’s the best roommate ever!" +rachel,"ooh, good god, they’re so yummy!",joey,"god, it’s gonna so weird like when i come home and you’re not here. y’know? no more joey and chan’s. no more j and c’s. you wanna go over to joey and chandler’s? can’t, its not there." +chandler,"look, i’m just gonna be across the hall, we can still do all the same stuff.",joey,yeah but we won’t be able to like get up in the middle of the night and have those long talks about our feelings and the future. +chandler,hey!,joey,hi. +monica,"i mean, all i’m asking for is just a little emotion! is that too much to ask after six years?! i mean what? are-are-are rachel and i not as close as you guys?! i mean do we not have as much fun?! don’t i deserve a few tears?!! i mean we-we told joey, he cried his eyes out!",joey,hey! i did not cry my eyes out!! come on! it’s like the end of an era! no more j-man and channie’s!! +ross,of course.,joey,"so, ross and rachel got married, monica and chandler almost got married, do you think you and i should hook up?" +phoebe,"oh we do, but not just yet.",joey,"really?! well, when?" +phoebe,"okay umm, well, first chandler and monica will get married and be filthy rich by the way. yeah. but it won’t work out.",joey,wow. +phoebe,"i know. then, i’m gonna marry chandler for the money and you’ll marry rachel and have the beautiful kids.",joey,great! +phoebe,but then we ditch those two and that’s when we get married. we’ll have chandler’s money and rachel’s kids and getting custody will be easy because of rachel’s drinking problem.,joey,"oh-oh, what about ross?" +chandler,"ross, just for my own piece of mind, you’re not married to anymore of us are ya?",joey,"oh! hey, somebody left their keys. ooohh, to a porsche!" +gunther,"yeah, that’s what i drive. i make four bucks an hour, i saved up for 350 years!",joey,na-uh! hey did anybody lose their keys? +monica,"joey, why don’t you put them in the lost and found?",joey,there’s a lost and found? my shoe! +chandler,you left a shoe here?!,joey,"well, i didn’t realize until i got home. i wasn’t gonna walk all the way back down here with one shoe! y’know what? i’m gonna go find that guy’s car and leave a note on the windshield." +chandler,"oh good, when he comes back for his keys, i’ll be sure to give him your shoe.",joey,great! thanks. +guy #1,nice car!,joey,"yeah, it’s not mine." +woman,i love your car.,joey,"yeah, it’s mine." +woman,i bet it’s fast.,joey,"me too! yeah. and comfortable. do uh, do you like leather seats?" +woman,yeah!,joey,it’s got ‘em! +phoebe,yeah? well this is not what i ordered.,joey,hey guys! +phoebe,hey!,joey,"hey babies! oh, i’m having the best morning. that uh, that porsche i’ve got the keys too, still there!" +chandler,shocking! since you still have the keys.,joey,"you should see the treatment i get when i’m with that car! people are friendly; they-they wanna talk, and not just about the car! one guy gave me advice about my equity investments." +chandler,what equity investments?,joey,"the ones that got me the porsche! will you keep up! but i figured, if-if people keep seeing me just standing there, they’re gonna start to think that i don’t own it. so i figured i’ll wash it. right? monica, you got a bucket and some soap i can borrow?" +chandler,there you are.,joey,"yeah, she tops out at 130." +guy #2,wow!,joey,and that’s just in the city. i get her up to 160 when i take her upstate. +guy #2,really! you got a place upstate?,joey,sure! +guy #2,"well, i’ll see you later.",joey,"okay, take it easy." +the porsche owner,hey! that’s my car.,joey,"really? oh uh, oh just give me five more minutes with it." +the porsche owner,what-what are you doing?,joey,"oh i-i uh, found the keys and now i’m just polishing her up." +the porsche owner,but it’s my car!,joey,"yeah, but it’s my wax." +the porsche owner,"listen, i-i-i don’t come to this city much so i don’t know if you’re crazy or this is some kind of street theater, but could i have my keys.",joey,"sure. here. i’ll uh, save your parking spot." +the porsche owner,i’m not coming back.,joey,why not? +the porsche owner,i live upstate.,joey,"yeah, so did i." +rachel,and thank you for your time.,joey,so the porsche guy took his car back. +chandler,but you found the keys to his clothes?,joey,"no. no, i just uh, i just loved the way it feels when everybody thinks i own a porsche." +monica,and people will think you own a porsche because you’re wearing the clothes?,joey,of course! only an idiot would wear this stuff if you didn’t have the car! right? +phoebe,"yeah, but only a genius would swallow a sonic blaster gun.",joey,"oh, i’ve been there. yeah, i am gonna go drive my porsche." +monica,"joey, you know you don’t actually have one.",joey,come on! what are you doing?! i’m in character! would you talk to her! +phoebe,"a real man wouldn’t just run to the hospital! no! what would, what would krog do?",joey,why isn’t that valet back with my porsche? +ross,that was the only way i could get him to stop typing!,joey,hi! how are the gellers? +ross,the judge wouldn��t let us get an annulment! now we gotta get a divorce!! did a porsch throw up on you?,joey,hey! it’s porsche!! +ross,totally. ending credits,joey,hey! hey! be careful around my porsche! +woman,hi joey.,joey,hey! how you doin’? +woman,he has the most amazing porsche under there!,joey,"i’d love to show ya, but i just tucked her in. she’s sleeping. hey uh, would you two girls like to go for a drink?" +ross,shes putting words in your mouth!,joey,"dont you put words in peoples mouths, you put turkey in peoples mouths!" +ross,"hey! hey, guess what joey has!",joey,three tickets to todays rangers game!! +ross,"dude, i wanted him to guess.",joey,oh. +chandler,oh my god!,joey,"yeah, theyre great seats too!" +ross,guess where they are?,joey,center ice. +chandler,"dinner is at four, well never gonna make it back.",joey,"so well leave before its over, well be back in time." +chandler,"you say that now, but it could take us a long time to get back home. plus joey could get lost and and they could have to page us to go pick him up.",joey,"dude, two times that happened!" +ross,"hes right, man.",joey,"right, i guess. alright, so see you at four." +chandler,okay. and get ready to taste my very special cranberries. or should i say... chanberries!,joey,"thats some gentle comedy, dude." +ross,"were still going at the game, right?",joey,yeah! +rachel,because i already did!,joey,"oh, bob, get off the guy!" +ross,"oh! what a game, huh?",joey,"i know, yeah." +ross,i cant believe chandler is missing this!,joey,"yeah. i am sorry hes not here too, but i got to say, i am really enjoying nacho chair." +ross,"yeah, id probably enjoy it more if you didnt keep batting my hand away.",joey,ohhhh! these seats are great! +ross,"i know, i know! when i was here for holidays on ice i was sitting so far away michelle kwan couldnt read my banner!",joey,"wow, hey, wed better get going. if we dont leave right now, well be late for dinner." +ross,"oh, but its a kind game! so were a little late, you know, the girls will be there, lets stay just for one more goal.",joey,i dont know... +ross,one more fight!,joey,okay. +chandler,i cant believe they are not here! i slave and i slave for what? theyve ruined cranberry day!,joey,how late are we? +ross,forty-five minutes.,joey,wow +ross,here!,joey,"okay. rachel and phoebe are already there, okay? so they probably started without us. we could just slip in and no-one needs to know where we were!" +ross,you may want to lose the foam finger!,joey,"oh, no, no, no, no, no. you just want to put it on your hand!" +phoebe,oh!,joey,you are not at thanksgiving? +ross,were late too!,joey,we figured we could be late because you guys were gonna be on time +ross,"so, nobodys here? monicas gonna kill us!",joey,"yeah, where were you!" +phoebe,and it looks like she put makeup on her!,joey,"wait a second, wait a second, where have i seen that cowgirl outfit before..." +ross,so this is an annual thing?,joey,oh! thats alicia mae emorys outfit! +rachel,"well, i dont know, you guys figure it out, i got to put emma down for a nap.",joey,"all right. hey rach, while youre in there, throw something on alicia mae." +phoebe,"oh, good, thats good, but you dont look like you were mugged!",joey,no. here +ross,we know youre out there.,joey,who do you think its from? +phoebe,"well, im not going in first. i bet that vein on monicas forehead is popping like crazy.",joey,"i hate that thing, its like a... bolt of lightning." +rachel,"oh, hey, i have an idea. why dont we play rock-paper-scissors, and whoever loses goes in first. ready? .",joey,ah-haah! i win!! +ross,what is that?,joey,thats fire. beats everything. +phoebe,"oh, really? does it beat water balloon? .",joey,"ooh! well played, phoebe buffay, well played." +rachel,"you guys, come on, it doesnt matter why were late. were all here now, please let us in so we can have some of your delicious turkey.",joey,i had a dream once about a fax machine that did that. +ross,how are we gonna decide who gets this?,joey,water balloon! +rachel,"you know what? i dont want to be with them either, but its thanksgiving and we should not want to be together, together.",joey,"just get in there and make a face to face apology, you know? look them in the eye. i know i can get them to forgive us." +ross,i dont know...,joey,im telling ya... i can do it. +rachel,oh!,joey,"oh! it all looks so beautiful: the turkey, the stuffing..." +monica,oh! enough! a monkey could have made em!,joey,"hey listen guys, we feel really terrible." +chandler,"hes doing that weird eye contact thing. dont look at him, dont look at him!",joey,"come on you guys, we want you to know were very very sorry. right guys?" +phoebe and rachel,"so, so sorry.",joey,"now lets not ruin this day. you worked so hard. lets move past this and try to have a nice meal all together, huh?" +chandler,"well, you manheads arent any better. you lied about going to the game. you knew it would make you late, and you still went anyway.",joey,hey! im getting a little tired of this okay? we said were sorry. its thanksgiving for petes sakes! a day of forgiveness! +ross,its a day to be thankful.,joey,dont make me come up there! +monica,its too late for apologies.,joey,fine! lets just go. i dont need your stupid dinner. +rachel,"ewww, is that what that is?",joey,sorry! +rachel,hey!,joey,yeah! you three have a nice thanksgiving. +monica,the three of us?,joey,"yeah! you, chan, and the vein!" +monica,"joey, that is not gonna work.",joey,no seriously... im really wedged in here. +ross,okay.,joey,aaw-ahhh-aaahhh stop! stop! im worried about damaging my head. +chandler,a little late for that.,joey,"alright, hurry up, you gotta do something." +monica,bring it.,joey,i just wanna say that im sorry i referred to the vein as a seperate person... +monica,here you go!,joey,"oh, that smells good!" +monica,"okay, try it.",joey,it isnt working. +monica,"alright, were gonna have to unscrew the chain.",joey,"well hurry, i cant feel my ears!" +chandler,can you ever feel your ears?,joey,interesting... +ross,i gave them to joey.,joey,i left them at the park. +monica,"okay, i have to get that. now when i get back, i want you and your friends to be gone. thanksgiving is over. the vein has spoken.",joey,its really starting to hurt. +phoebe,"just a sec., were kind in the middle of something here.",joey,ooh! stop putting things down my pants! +chandler,"come on guys, push!",joey,yeah! come on! +chandler,my cranberries!,joey,"man, ive got food all over me." +monica,"i cant believe they called, and were actually getting a baby.",joey,"oh, i know how you feel..." +rachel,really?,joey,"sure. i went through the exact same thing with alicia mae emory... the waiting, the wandering... then one day... i get that call from toys r us... she was in stock!" +monica,hey joey!,joey,hey! +monica,"listen...i need to know that what im about to ask you, will never get back to chandler.",joey,"id be lying if i said i havent thought about it myself. chandler is my best friend, it would be wrong. good......but wrong." +monica,ok first of all...it would be great. but thats not what im here to talk to you about. i need to borrow some money.,joey,"aww, i dont know monica yknow... erm... lending friends money is always a mistake." +monica,but chandler lent you money!,joey,and i think he would tell you it was a mistake. +monica,come on...i just need it for some rent and..and some other bills.,joey,oh...how much? +monica,two thousand dollars?,joey,two thousand dollars!? what do you think i am? i soap opera star!? +monica,yeah...,joey,thats right i am! +joey & monica,hey!,joey,oo...whats in the bag? +rachel,"oh er... well you know emma started crawling? i realised that this place, is very unsafe for a baby. so i went to the store and got some stuff to baby-proof the apartment.",joey,"oh...baby-proofing... why is this such a big deal now? yknow, when i was a kid it was like.. whoops! joey fell down the stairs! or er.. whoops! joey electrocuted himself again! huh!" +rachel,no. i was just going to do this myself.,joey,youre gonna do it? +rachel,"yeah, why? you dont think a woman can do this?",joey,"oh, women can. you cant." +rachel,wha!? what!? come on! i found the hardware store all by myself!,joey,the hardware store is right down the street. +chandler,hey joe!,joey,hey! +chandler,listen er..i need to ask you a favor but you cant tell monica anything about it.,joey,i thought you didnt have secrets from monica. +chandler,and that would have made the official party line. monica and i are having a little financial trouble.,joey,"yeah, i know." +chandler,what? what do you mean you know?,joey,"err... i just figured it out! you know, i mean youre not working and the economy is bad." +chandler,oh! right.,joey,thats the fastest i have ever thought! +chandler,"anyway, err... i need to borrow some money.",joey,oh! sure! how much? two thousand dollars? +chandler,yes! two thousand dollars exactly! how do you know that!,joey,err...well i...know how much you used to make and i know how much your rent is. +chandler,oh ok.,joey,i am on fire! chandler : listen...this is really nice. do you... did you write a cheque to monica for two thousand dollars? did monica borrow money from you? +chandler,i cant believe her! did she tell you we were having money problems?,joey,"oh no no no no no... it wasnt... it wasnt because of your money problems, it was for something for her." +chandler,what?,joey,something personal. +woman,excuse me.,joey,boob job. +monica,i dont want her to get a boob job! thats crazy!,joey,"well its...its not that crazy okay? making them smaller, that would be crazy." +ross,yeah i just hurt it.,joey,rach?! rachel!!!!? so i cant do anything i like???? +rachel,joey! why did you tell chandler that monica was getting a boob job?,joey,because she is! +monica,"joey, chandler knows i borrowed the money.",joey,mmmm hmm! for your boob job! +"monica, rachel, chandler",its over/joe!,joey,ok so im out four thousand dollars and nobodys boobs are getting any bigger? +ross,you know sometimes your words... they hurt.,joey,"hey uh, where do you guys want this?" +phoebe,right. except that i do want to get married.,joey,couldnt have this conversation down at the truck huh? +chandler,"ah, look on the bright side, i mean you wont have to live with this ugly chair! that was here already huh? i love you. ending credits",joey,ah hah! i did it! ha ha! alright... better take all i can carry. who knows when ill be able to get in here again! +phoebe,"although, don’t feel like you can’t visit.",joey,"hey, is, is, is chandler here?" +ross,"what? so what are you going to do? i mean how, how are you going to tell chandler?",joey,"well, i was thinking about that and i, i think the best way would be, to not." +rachel,"joey, you can’t keep this to yourself, if you know about this, you have to tell him.",joey,"it’ll kill him. i mean it’ll, it’ll just kill him." +phoebe,"well, you could wait ‘til i go to the dentist, maybe i’ll kill him.",joey,ewww! ugly naked guy is using his new hammock. it’s like a play-doo fat factory. +ross,"okay, i have a problem i have to go into work for a few hours, some kids messed up the homo sapien display.",joey,what did they do? +ross,"you? you! want to watch ben? yes! that’d be great, no, i just wanted to ask monica, because i know how empty her life is.",joey,"hey-hey, ross?" +ross,yeah.,joey,i’ve got a science question. +ross,hmm?,joey,"if the homo sapiens, were in fact ‘homo-sapien’, is that why there extinct?" +ross,"joey, homo sapiens are people.",joey,"hey-hey, i’m not judging." +chandler,"hey! hold on a minute, hold on a second. do you think these pearls are nice?",joey,i’d really prefer a mountain bike. +chandler,"janice’s birthday is coming up, i want to get her something speacial. come in here with me.",joey,"whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, whoa. do you ah, want to get her something speacial, get her flowers, get her candy, get her gum, girls love gum." +chandler,"that’s a good idea, ‘dear janice have a hubba-bubba birthday’. i would like to get her something serious.",joey,"oh, you want something serious. yknow what you should do, you should get her one of those um, barium enemas. those are dead serious." +chandler,"all right. look, i’m gonna go in here, and you don’t buy me anything ever.",joey,"no, no, you can’t, you can’t, okay, you can’t, you can’t buy her pearls, you just can’t, you can’t, you can’t." +chandler,why not?!,joey,"oh god. uh, okay, here’s the thing, this is the thing, okay, the thing is..." +chandler,what is the thing?,joey,"okay. i went down to the ‘mattress king’ showroom and, and i saw janice, kissing her ex-husband." +chandler,what?,joey,they were in his office. +chandler,"well she, she wouldn’t do that, she’s with, she’s with me.",joey,"i’m telling you man, i saw it." +chandler,"yeah, well, you’re wrong! okay, you’re wrong.",joey,"i’m not wrong! i wish i was. i’m sorry. bet that barium enema doesn’t sound so bad now, huh?" +rachel,"monica, number one, i don’t think ben understands the concept of bribery, and number two, i... what?!",joey,you said number two. +rachel,i also said number one.,joey,i know. +phoebe,"woo-hoo! the curse is broken! i called everybody i know, and everyone is alive.",joey,uh. +phoebe,what?,joey,ugly naked guy looks awfully still. +rachel,well maybe he’s just taking a nap.,joey,"i’m tellin’ ya, he hasn’t moved since this morning." +monica,how are we gonna do that? there’s no way.,joey,"well, there is one way. his window’s open, i say, we poke him." +chandler,yeah.,joey,"well, now we got a reason." +chandler,what?,joey,"well, we’re fashioning a very long poking device." +chandler,all right.,joey,"hey uh, what’s a matter?" +chandler,i talked to janice.,joey,"oh my god, is she going back to him?" +chandler,"she doesn’t know. says she loves us both. yknow i woke up this morning and i was in love, well i was happy. yknow it serves me right for buying that twelve pack of condoms. and now i can’t even return them, because she choked on the reciept!",joey,"what are you ah, what are you gonna do?" +chandler,"i don’t know, yknow. what, what, would you do?",joey,"well, it doesn’t matter what i would do." +chandler,"come on, tell me.",joey,"all right, you’re probably not gonna want to hear this but ah, if it was me, and this is just me, i would ah, i would bow out." +chandler,"what? what are you, what are you talking about?",joey,"they have a kid together, yknow. they’re like, they’re like a family, and if, i don’t know, there’s chance they could make that work, i know i wouldn’t want to be the guy who stood in the way of that. are you okay? do you wanna ah, come poke a nude guy?" +gunther,rachel has those in burgendy.,joey,"all right now remember, something this big and long is going to be difficult to manuver, fortunately i have a lot of experience in that area." +phoebe,i’m telling you he’s dead. what we are about to have here is a dead fat guy on a stick.,joey,"all right, ladies and gentlemen, let’s poke. steady. steady. okay, a little higher. careful of the angle. okay, okay, we’re approaching the window thread the needle. thread the needle." +monica,"and yet, we’re still poking him.",joey,"okay, retract the device, retract the device." +rachel,"hey-hey, now he’s showing us his poking device.",joey,"hey, that’s never gonna make it all the way over here, buddy!" +chandler and phoebe,"...in you, my endless love. my endless love.",joey,hey! im all packed and ready to go! +ross,"oh, thats right! daddy and uncle joey are going on a trip today. were going to a conference in barbados, right?",joey,mmh-mmh. +ross,can you say barbados?,joey,barbados! +ross,"ok, we gotta go, yeah? so, well see you guys tomorrow.",joey,"all right, lets do it! 5 hour flight with charlie, have a couple of drinks, get under that blanket and do what comes naturally." +ross,look at all these paleontologists!!,joey,"i know, there are gonna be some pasty folks by the pool tomorrow!" +woman,"oh my god, i cant believe youre here!",joey,"i think ive been recognized, this happens all the time!" +woman,"doctor geller, im such a huge fan!",joey,that... never happens... +sarah,are you a paleontologist?,joey,"no, god, no! no! no no, im an actor. youd probably recognize me from a little show called the days of our lives." +ross,"dude, its just days of our lives... theres no the.",joey,"ok, ross! its... its fun, yeah! no, i-i play doctor drake ramoray." +sarah,"im sorry, i dont own a tv.",joey,you dont own a tv? whats all your furniture pointed at?? +chandler,"david, im pretending to read here!!",joey,yeah! how you doin? yeah alright! +charlie,i didnt mean a thong... i meant thongs...,joey,you really should have been more clear about that! +ross,hey!,joey,hey! +ross,youre never going to guess who i just saw downstairs!,joey,oh! ah! eh... britney spears!? +ross,yeah... what am i going to say to kenneth schwartz?,joey,"you could say: hey kenny, how come youre not britney spears?" +charlie,yeah!,joey,wha...? youre gonna go now? i thought we could hang out? +charlie,but maybe we can have dinner later? on the balcony? will be romantic.,joey,will you wear a thong? +charlie,i will if you will.,joey,oh... you got yourself a very weird deal! +charlie,so youll be ok?,joey,"yeah, yeah. ive got tons of stuff i could do. im gonna hit the beach, go swimming..." +ross,"uh, joe, have you looked outside?",joey,"no, why?" +charlie,"theres an indoor pool, you can swim there!",joey,"i wasnt gonna swim, i was gonna dig a hole!" +chandler,"man, thats some bad advice!",joey,oh! hey! thank god you guys are here! +rachel,hey! hey whats going on?,joey,"everything is upside down here! it rains all day long, nobody watches tv and ross is famous!" +chandler,thats why our honeymoon photos look like me and diana ross!,joey,"come on, ill show you guys where to check in" +ross,"oh and you know what, it will be even better tomorrow, because i wont be constantly interrupted by joey checking to see if they put chocolates on my pillow yet. .",joey,hey guys! +ross,the chocolates arent here yet.,joey,damnit! +chandler,"oh, no, no, no dear god, no!",joey,"oh what, did someone outbid you for the teapot? oh! secret teapot?" +chandler,"well, you must be pretty mad at yourself right now...!",joey,its really gone? +ross,i cant believe this. i cant believe this is happening. i have to give the keynote speech tomorrow! ok? i have to stand up in front of all these people. what am i gonna say?,joey,i could teach you a speech that i memorized for auditions. +charlie,"oh wait, joey and i are supposed to have dinner .",joey,"hey dont worry about that! i mean, ross needs you! and rachel and i will stay and help anyway we can." +ross,"alright, ok, lets do it. uhm, i know we start by discussing the shortcomings of carbon dating... uhm, and then, then i move on to what is clearly the defining moment of the mesozoic era, the breakup of pangea, hello! and then, theres the... eh... theres the overview of the triassic.",joey,"oh, oh! any chance any of this happened in a galaxy far, far away? ." +chandler,this vacation sucks!!,joey,"im so bored! stupid rain, we... we cant do anything." +rachel,"well, ive brought some books. we could read.",joey,"hey, it hasnt come to that yet." +waiter,"im sorry sir, these are for the pharmaceutical convention",joey,"hey rach, do you feel like going to a convention?" +rachel,we cant. were not pharmacists!,joey,"i know were not, but frank medeio and... eva trorro... womba..." +rachel,kate miller?,joey,kate miller it is. +rachel,and... thats the most sex im gonna have this weekend.,joey,in that case should i make sure its on real good? +ross,me neither.,joey,"well, who knew? pharmacists are fun." +rachel,"i know, that old lady at the end was ready to take you home.",joey,"not enough pills in the world, rach. what about you, youre the single one, seen anybody in there you like?" +rachel,"well, lets see. there was a really big guy that i was talking to, with the really nice breasts...",joey,"but what about back home, anything going on there? anybody you like?" +rachel,no.,joey,"there it is, youre blushing!" +rachel,"no, im not blushing, im sunburnt! from, you know, the rain.",joey,you like someone. tell me who it is. who is it? +rachel,no.,joey,tell me who it is. +rachel,joey!,joey,"come on who? who do you like? tell me. youre not getting away that easy. who do you like, who?" +rachel,"joey, come on! it doesnt matter, you know, its not like anythings gonna happen.",joey,"what? why not? rach, who can you not get?" +rachel,"oh! ok. ok, you really wanna know who it is?",joey,"yeah, who is that?" +rachel,do ya?,joey,yeah. +charlie,"i just left you a message! ross and i were gonna go grab a bite, but now that youre here, maybe we can go have that dinner.",joey,"right, of course. hey, did you guys finish the speech?" +charlie,i had a great time.,joey,"alright, hey look, and this isnt over, because i really wanna know who..." +charlie,"so, shall we?",joey,yeah. +ross,good night.,joey,night. +charlie,what?,joey,he said erectus! +charlie,"youre... youre kidding, right?",joey,"no, he really said it." +ross,... and while there are certainly vast differences between these mesozoic fossiles and the example of homo erectus...,joey,erectus? +ross,"oh, thank you so much!",joey,"yeah, and so funny!" +charlie,hey! there you are!,joey,"hey! as soon as it stops raining we have got to go snorkeling! some kid told me about the sea turtle and, if you blow bubbles in its face, it chases ya!" +charlie,"im sorry, i cant! im running a discussion group all afternoon.",joey,"oh... oh, but thats ok, ill find someone else to do it... ill do it alone, but... i dont know what happens if the sea turtle catches you..." +charlie,you know... i feel so bad! i havent seen you this whole trip and especially last night...,joey,"hey! dont worry about it! it was fine! i ended up having the best time with rachel! i just felt bad for you, stuck in that room, working on rosss speech..." +charlie,"actually, it turned out to be a lot of fun!",joey,"oh! oh, well! at least were both having fun!" +charlie,... is it weird that its not with each other?,joey,"yeah! a little bit, yeah..." +charlie,i think we need to talk...!,joey,yeah... i think we do... ... about what? +rachel,"its open! hi, joe!",joey,hey... +rachel,"what, is everything ok?",joey,uh... charlie and i broke up. +rachel,"nooooo, why?",joey,"oh well, she said we have nothing in common." +rachel,"oh, thats crazy!",joey,"no, its not, we have nothing in common!" +rachel,"... yeah, its true.",joey,"i mean, she should be with someone like... ross! you know what i mean, he uses all those big words too! man, smart people are dull!" +rachel,"what, hey!",joey,"ok, rach!" +rachel,"w-what are you, what are you talking about?",joey,"oh, cmon, i mean, theres you, then theres charlie, and its like... what the hell is my problem? oh!" +rachel,ok... uh... maybe youre not always going after the wrong girl...,joey,"im telling you, rach, charlie is not right for me!" +rachel,"yeah, im not talking about her...",joey,but then who? the waitress i went out with last month? +rachel,you know? forget it!,joey,"no-no-no-no, no! who, who were you talking about?" +rachel,"no, i-i-i-i dont, i actually dont know who im talking about! so!",joey,"ok! all right, well... im gonna see if i can get a room for the night and ill... ill see you later!" +rachel,"yeah, sure!",joey,you like me? +rachel,"ok, lets not make a big thing about this!",joey,thats a huge thing! +rachel,"not working with me, joe! heres the thing: lately i have been having thoughts musings, if you will!",joey,what... for how long? +rachel,only like a month!,joey,a month?? +rachel,"what the... dial it down! listen, ok, and maybe theyre crazy thoughts, but sometimes i do, i have, ive been thinking about... you know, us! ok, dial it up a little!",joey,i just have one question! +rachel,shoot!,joey,what the hell are you doin??? +rachel,"i dont know, im not trying to do anything, its just, we have such a good time when were together, you know... i mean, arent you just a... little curious... what that would be like?...",joey,"uh, am i curious? i mean, i am as curious as... as... george!!" +rachel,who...?,joey,"curious george ! you know, the monkey, and the guy with the yellow hat!" +rachel,"oh yes, of course, i remember him!",joey,"yeah, he had a paper route." +rachel,"yeah, he did! oh, see, this is what im talking about!",joey,"no, i know, yeah i know were great but rach no... this... this cant happen!" +rachel,but can it... just... happen a little bit?,joey,"no, no! it cant happen at all!" +rachel,"but why, why not?",joey,"because... look, no one wants this to happen more than me, ok? i have gone over this moment in my head a hundred times and not once did i ever say no! i couldnt do it to ross!" +rachel,but that wasnt gonna stop you before!,joey,"i know, i know! but ive thought about it a lot since, and it just wouldnt be right... im sorry...!" +rachel,"im sorry, too! oh god! i shouldnt have said anything!",joey,"no! no-no-no-no-no-no! hey! hey, well be fine! li... hey, like you said: no big deal!" +rachel,its not a big deal!,joey,no big deal! +rachel,its so not a big deal!,joey,yeah! ill see ya later! yeah! +rachel,what?,joey,hello. +chandler,"hey, it’s me. i know you can’t stand to be in the same room as me, so i just thought i’d try and apologize over the phone. all i…",joey,hello. +chandler,"look i never should have kissed your girlfriend, but i’m…",joey,stop callin’!! +voice,"hey! hey! hey! this is 92.3, wxrk, k-rock for our $1,000 daily challenge.",joey,all right! +ross,hey!,joey,hey! +ross,what are you doing?,joey,i’m sending back all this stuff that chandler bought out of guilt. +ross,everything? even the tv?,joey,no! i’m putting that in my room. +ross,"listen, joey, i know what he did was wrong but don’t you think you could at least hear the guy out?",joey,"back when you and rachel were together, if chandler had kissed her, would you hear him out?" +ross,"that’s a good point. so uh, how long are you gonna punish him?",joey,five years. +ross,you’ve sentenced him?!,joey,hey! don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time. +ross,"joey, the guy’s your best friend.",joey,"no, was my best friend. anyway, i don’t know why you’re pushing for him so hard. with him out of the way as my best friend, there’s a spot open." +ross,"oh, who? me?",joey,yeah! +ross,wow! i’m honored! and y’know what i’m gonna do as my first act as your best friend?,joey,what? +ross,i’m gonna get you to talk to chandler.,joey,all right. but if you weren’t my best friend. +chandler,"i walk into a room and he won’t even talk to me, he just mumbles something in italian. and i know he only knows the bad words.",joey,"hey gunther, have you uh, have you seen chandler?" +chandler,hey! i’m sorry! that— where are you going?,joey,my folks. +chandler,"oh, uh, when-when are you coming back?",joey,i don’t know. i might stay there for a few days while i look for an apartment. +chandler,what?!,joey,"yeah, y’know at first i thought we could talk about this y’know, work it out, but uh, seeing you two together i don’t think i…" +chandler,"hey, look, what do you want me to say? do you want me to say that i’ll stop seeing her?",joey,"look, it’s not about her. okay? but seeing you two together just reminds me of what you did. and i don’t want to live with some one who doesn’t know what it is to be a friend. so, i’ll see ya." +chandler,"hey, look, i know what it is to be a friend, i just-i just screwed up!",joey,yeah! you did! and that’s why i’m leaving. +chandler,"all right look, if you’re not gonna stay for me, then at least stay for them! okay, they have had a very difficult year! what with the robbery and all!",joey,"when that guy was robbing us, and i was locked in the entertainment unit for like six hours, you know what i was doing in there all that time? i was thinking about how i let you down!" +chandler,what?,joey,"yeah! but if would’ve know what kind of friend you were gonna turn out to be, i wouldn’t have worried about it so much! see you around!" +chandler,"all right, wait! come on! just wait one second! there has to be something that i can do! something! if we still had that entertainment unit i would get in it for six hours and think about how i let you down. what?",joey,we’ve got a box. +ross,yeah.,joey,what’s twisted? +monica,me going out with richard’s son.,joey,ewwwww!! ew! ew! ew! +rachel,is he okay in there?,joey,he’s fine! +rachel,"so now, what exactly is the point of the box?",joey,chandler? +monica,and joey.,joey,hey! +monica,"umm, well, he’s…",joey,he’s doin’ some thinkin’! +chandler,what happened? what happened?!,joey,you kissed my girlfriend! +chandler,gotcha!,joey,that doesn’t sound like thinking to me! +chandler,sorry!,joey,y’know i don’t think you should be talking at all in there! i think you’ve got to much thinking to do to be talking and making jokes! +chandler,"you can’t tell, but i’m trying to break the tension by mooning you guys!",joey,"all right, look! if this is just a big joke to you, then forget about it, all right?! this means something to me! and if it doesn’t mean anything to you, then you should get out of there, otherwise you’re just an idiot in a box!" +chandler,"you’re right, and i’m sorry! this means a lot to me! i want you to be my friend again! i swear, i won’t say another word tonight.",joey,so are you gonna start taking this thing seriously? +chandler,absolutely!,joey,that sounds like another word to me! are you gonna take this seriously? okay. +monica,i know!,joey,i’ll get it. +kathy,oh.,joey,hey. +kathy,"hey. listen, i want you to know how sorry i am…",joey,that’s okay. chandler’s the one i’m mad at. +kathy,"well, i’m still sorry. is he here?",joey,in the box. +kathy,"oh. well uh, you not being able to talk may make this easier. listen umm… listen i don’t wanna be someone who comes between two best friends. i just, i can’t stand seeing what this is doing to you guys, and i don’t wanna be the cause of that. so, i don’t think we can see each other anymore. i’m gonna go to my mom’s in chicago, i’m gonna stay there for awhile. i think this could’ve be something really amazing, but y’know this is probably for the best. y’know? i’m gonna miss you. good-bye, chandler.",joey,open the box!! +rachel,what?!,joey,"he can still catch her! come on, get out of there! get out of there!" +chandler,so?,joey,"yeah, we’re gonna be fine! get out!" +chandler,yeah?,joey,"yeah, you did some real good thinkin’ in there." +chandler,"man, this is…",joey,now go! ‘cause you can still catch her! and merry christmas from you’re secret santa! +ross,he’s taking her purse!,joey,"uhh, that’s not them. i’m gonna go call the police." +phoebe,"listen. listen. smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?",joey,"wow, pheebs! that sounds great!" +phoebe,hi!,joey,hey! +chandler,"well, it certainly worked for that valdez kid.",joey,"ooh-ooh, pheebs, you want a strong name? how about, the hulk?" +phoebe,"no, i’m-i’m not sure about hulk, but i like the idea of a name starting with the.",joey,"oh, want a good name, go with joey. joey’s your pal. joey’s your buddy. where is everybody? well, they’re hanging out with joey." +chandler,"hey, y’know what, if you’re gonna do that, if you’re gonna name him joey, you should name him chandler. oh, come on! chandler’s funny, sophisticated, and he’s very loveable, once you get to know him.",joey,"oh well, hey, joey’s loveable too! but the thing about joey is, if you need him, he’ll be there." +chandler,"well, chandler will be there for you too. i mean, well, he might be a little late, but-but, he’ll be there. and he’ll bring you some cold soda, if want you need him for is that you’re really hot.",joey,what do ya say? what do ya say? +phoebe,"well, i, i like the idea of naming him after someone i love, and joey and chandler are great names. but, all right, i don’t—maybe i’ll just name him the hulk.",joey,i knew i shouldn’t have mentioned it! that’s what i wanted to name my kid! +ross,hey!,joey,hey! +ross,"hey, they’re going to the gym together! two women! stretching! y’know they-they take a steam together! things get a little playful—didn’t you see personal best?",joey,"no, but i’m gonna!" +phoebe,"so, i decided i’m definitely going to go with either joey or chandler.",joey,"oh! oh-oh, you gotta pick joey! i mean, name one famous person named chandler." +chandler,raymond chandler.,joey,someone you didn’t make up! +chandler,"okay, there are no famous joey’s. except for, huh, joey buttafucco.",joey,"yeah, that guy really hurt us." +chandler,"okay, look, joey! come on, think about it, first of all, he’ll never be president. there’s never gonna be a president joey.",joey,"all right look man, i didn’t want to bring this up, but chandler, is the stupidest name i ever heard in my life! it’s not even a name; it’s barely even a word. okay? it’s kinda like chandelier, but it’s not! all right? it’s a stupid, stupid non-name!" +chandler,"wow, you’re, you’re right. i have a horrible, horrible name.",joey,"i’m sorry man, i didn’t—i’m-i’m sorry. i’m sorry." +chandler,okay.,joey,so i guess it’s joey then! +rachel,"yeah, sure, okay. okay.",joey,"hey, how did you do that?! come on in." +mr. burgin,"you’ll wear that. we’ll be eating, and of course, you’ll be wearing that.",joey,"dude, i am sorry about what i said!" +chandler,"no, no, you’re right, it is a ridiculous name!",joey,it’s not that bad. +chandler,"yes it is! from now on, i have no first name.",joey,"so, you’re just bing?" +chandler,"okay uh, for now, temporarily, you can call me, clint.",joey,no way are you cool enough to pull of clint. +chandler,it’s clint. it’s clint!,joey,"see you later, gene." +chandler,it’s clint! clint!,joey,what’s up with gene? +chandler,"okay. okay. all right. help! am i a mark, or a john?",joey,"nah, you’re not tall enough to be a mark, but you might make a good barney." +chandler,ha! ha! ha!,joey,ohh! +chandler,die hard still great!,joey,"yep. hey, what do you say we make it a double feature?" +chandler,what’d you rent?,joey,die hard 2. +chandler,"joey, this is die hard 1 again.",joey,"oh, well we watch it a second time and its die hard 2!" +ross,"joey, we just saw it!",joey,and? +chandler,"no, see the thing is i want to get out of here before joey gets all worked up and starts calling everybody bitch.",joey,what are you talking about? bitch. +ross,what happened?!!,joey,"well, i don’t know!!" +ross,we fell asleep! that is all.,joey,"yeah. yep. yeah. all right, well uh, i’d better go." +ross,i think that would be best.,joey,"yeah. all right, i’ll talk to you later." +ross,okay. but not about this!,joey,no! never! never! bye. +chandler,"well, you know what they say, elephants never forget. seriously, good luck marrying me.",joey,hey! what’s going on? +rachel,phoebe is gonna be monica’s maid of honor!,joey,"hey! well i hope it goes better than the last time you did it for that girl downstairs, remember?" +phoebe,because i cared enough to lie!,joey,"hey-hey-hey-hey, i can help you decide who should do it! yeah, we could have like uh, like an audition and see how you’d handle maid of honor type situations." +phoebe,what are you talking about?,joey,"like when i want a job, i go to an audition and if i’m the best of the people they see, they give me the part." +phoebe,"okay, so after this audition, who decides who gets it?",joey,"oh uh, me and ross can be the judges." +ross,"wow, this cologne really is every bit as good as georgio.",joey,hi. +ross,"just uh, brought back your videos.",joey,"uh hey look uh ross, look i think we need to talk about before." +ross,no! no we don’t!,joey,"yes we do! now look, that was the best nap i ever had!!" +ross,i… i don’t know what you are talking about.,joey,come on! admit it! that was the best nap you ever had! +ross,i’ve had better.,joey,okay! when?! +ross,all right! all right! it was the best nap ever!,joey,uh-huh! +ross,i’ve said it! okay?! but it’s over joey!,joey,i want to do it again. +ross,we can’t do it again.,joey,why not? +ross,because it’s weird!,joey,fine! do you want something to drink? +ross,"sure, what do you got?",joey,warm milk and excedrin p.m. +chandler,"okay, i will do it. but i have to warn you; this may make me a better person and that is not the man you feel in love with!",joey,"okay, all right, this is how it’s going to work. we’re gonna give you hypothetical maid of honor situations and you will be scored on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the highest." +ross,"no, 10 is the highest.",joey,why is 10 the highest? +you’re up first. (rachel stands up and gets ready.) situation no. 1,"you’re with monica, the wedding is about to start when monica gets cold feet. go!",joey,i don’t want to marry chandler! +rachel,"okay, uh…",joey,i’ve got cold feet. +rachel,…it’s gonna be okay!,joey,"no, one man for the rest of my life? i don’t know if i can do it! this means i’ll never get to sleep with joey!" +rachel,"look monica, getting cold feet is very common. y’know, it’s-it’s just because of all the anticipation and you just have to remember that you love chandler. and also, i ran out on a wedding. you don’t get to keep the gifts.",joey,"very good! drawing on your own experience, i like that!" +rachel,oh!,joey,"okay, phoebe…" +phoebe,yes! your honor?,joey,"we’re now in the ceremony, monica is about to say, i do when her drunk uncle starts yelling. what do you do? go!" +phoebe,oh!,joey,yes! excellent! perfect score! +rachel,"thank you. thank you very much. umm, i’ve known them separately and i’ve known them together and-and to know them as a couple is to know that you are truly in the presence of love. so i would like to raise my glass to monica and chandler and the beautiful adventure they are about to embark upon together. i can think of no two people better prepared for the journey.",joey,wow. good speech. +ross,"okay phoebe, i guess you’re next although i really don’t see the point.",joey,yeah. +phoebe,"okay, i can’t believe that monica and chandler are getting married. i remember talking about this day with rachel while we were showering together, naked.",joey,and she’s back in the game. +chandler,"you-you-you didn’t know that. well, i guess my work here is done!",joey,"all right, well first of all i would like to say that you both performed very well. okay? you should be proud of yourselves. and-and i would also like to say that in this competition there are no losers. well, except for rachel—damnit!" +phoebe,"rach, it’s gonna be okay! you guys are the best!",joey,"boy i tell ya, that judging stuff took a lot out of me." +ross,yeah?,joey,yeah! i was thinking about maybe going upstairs and taking a little nap on my couch. +ross,why-why would i care about that?,joey,"no reason, i’m just saying that uh… that’s where i’ll be." +rachel,"yeah okay, you laugh now, but she’s gonna be yours. ending credits",joey,great nap. +ross,it really was.,joey,dude! what the hell are you doing?! god! +kathy,"im sorry, youre right, i apologize, but i should tell you that im waiting for a date. oh, and there he is now.",joey,hey! +chandler,"hey! hey, hey-hey, hey.",joey,"hey, i see you guys already met, huh?" +chandler,"yes-yes, i was just trying to figure out a way to uh, demonstrate how i could get my exceptionally large feet into my even bigger mouth.",joey,didnt i tell ya? always showin off. +phoebe,"its fun, god i love how sexy i am.",joey,"oh, kath, we should get going. were going to by hamsters." +phoebe,you mean you stole it! dont cover your mouth when you do that!,joey,hey. +chandler,really?!,joey,"yeah-yeah, i told her about the time you got drunk and fell asleep with your head in the toilet." +chandler,"99...100! ready or not, here i come! all right, lets go over the concept one more time.",joey,hey! +chandler,hey!,joey,"hey guys. listen uh, you wanna get some dinner with me and kathy tonight?" +chandler,"ohh, umm, yknow what, i already ate.",joey,its 4:30. +chandler,"yknow i had a big meal on monday, yknow. so thats just gonna get me straight through the week.",joey,"okay, i see whats going on here." +chandler,you-you do?,joey,yeah! you dont like kathy. +chandler,you got me.,joey,"yeah, youve been avoiding her ever since we started going out. look, i made an effort to like janice, now i think its your turn to make an effort to like kathy by going out to dinner with us. right?" +chandler,yeah. right.,joey,"good, and hey! my treat. but thats only because youre not eating anything, right?" +kathy,"ohh, god, guys, check it out, you can see that girls underwear!",joey,is she great or what? +chandler,"listen, i-im gonna grab a beer.",joey,ill be right back. what was that? +chandler,what?,joey,kathy was being really nice and you just walked away. i thought we had a deal. +chandler,"hey, look, what do you want from me?",joey,"i want you to like her! but if thats too damned difficult for you, then the least you can do is pretend." +chandler,i am pretending.,joey,"well then, do it better!" +chandler,"okay, what do you saw i go over there and say how much i like her? no-no itll be good, i can tell her much ive been thinking about her. that i havent stopped thinking about her since the moment i met her. that im so fantastically, over-the-top, wanna-slit-my-own-throat in love with her, that for every minute of every hour of every day i cant believe my own damn bad luck that you met her first!!",joey,"well, thats pretty good. but you might wanna tone it down a little." +gunther,what?,joey,"hey! now, were not actually gonna be sleeping in her, but do you mind?" +gunther,are you all right?,joey,oh my. +chandler,hey.,joey,hey. yknow with that goatee you kinda look like satan. +chandler,"oh, so that’s why the priest threw holy water on me. okay, listen, you have to cheer up! okay? you should come out with ross and me, i mean anything is better than sitting around here crying all day about kate.",joey,"hey i was crying because, because nobody believed quincy’s theory. okay?" +chandler,yeah.,joey,saw a girl with that vest. +anchorwoman,"while most of us think of chocolate bunnies and baskets as traditional easter gifts. some people insist on giving live chicks as presents. unfortunately, the sad fact remains that most of these little guys won’t live to see the fourth of july. because of as a result of improper care, they will be dead.",joey,"yeah, hi. you guys got any of those baby chicks? ‘cause i was watching this ah, commercial on tv and man, those guys are cute!" +chandler,"okay, so i guess that’s about ah, two weeks before the topless thing kicks in.",joey,hey!! +chandler,hey!,joey,i got you something! open it! open it! +chandler,okay. it’s a chicken.,joey,"it’s cute, huh?" +phoebe,"okay, well they are a huge responsibility, especially at this age. they require constant care. they-they need just the right food, and lot’s and lot’s of love.",joey,"oh, well no problem there." +chandler,"okay, but this is the last time. with a chick-chick here, and a chick-chick there. here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a chick-chick--chickeeeen.",joey,hey. +chandler,hey.,joey,how’s she doing? +chandler,she?,joey,"well yeah, don’t-don’t you think it’s a she?" +chandler,"i don’t know. i can’t tell, what ever it was went back in too quickly.",joey,"well, anyway, i got to go change, i’m ah, meeting some of the cast for drinks." +chandler,excuse me?,joey,what? +chandler,i stayed home from work today while you were at rehearsal so somebody could be here with our chick!,joey,hey! who was up from 2 o’clock this morning until 5 o’clock this morning trying to get her back to sleep? +chandler,you don’t think i get up when you get up?,joey,"ohhh, here it comes." +chandler,"yes, here it comes! i’m stuck here all day, and then you come in and spend two seconds with us and then expect to go off gallivanting with your friends? well i don’t think so mister!",joey,hey!! i need to relax! okay? i was working all day! +chandler,and you don’t think taking care of our chick is work?,joey,"that’s not what i said. okay, i just meant..." +chandler,"i know what you meant!! you notice that ever since we got this chick, we’ve been fighting a lot more than we used too?",joey,"i don’t know, maybe we weren’t ready to have a chick." +chandler,i’ll take her back tomorrow.,joey,do you think we’ll get our three bucks back? +ross,"ohhh, hey! all right, listen, i-i have that tv thing in like two hours, and i need your help, okay? what do you think? this blue suit, or this brown one?",joey,"well, the brown one brings out your eyes, but your butt looks great in the blue one." +chandler,"i know. see, yes. that’s yasmine bleeth, she’s a completely different kind of chick. i love you both. but in very different ways.",joey,hey! +chandler,hey!,joey,ohhh. ahh! what are you doing?! i thought you were gonna take her back to the store today. +chandler,"if they can’t find a home for her, they kill her! and i’m not gonna let that happen to little yasmine!",joey,"okay, good, good, good, ‘cause, good, ‘cause i was kinda having second thoughts too." +chandler,okay. and it’s not just chicks yknow? it’s all kinds of other animals!,joey,"that’s horrible! well, you did the right thing man." +chandler,what did you do?,joey,what ‘cha doing? +chandler,having a swim.,joey,what about the chick? +chandler,chicks don’t swim.,joey,are you sure? +chandler,i don’t know. should we try it?,joey,sure. +chandler,"see, i told you they don’t swim.",joey,wait. give him a minute. +chandler,"noo! oh, it’s okay, it’s okay, baby, baby, baby.",joey,man this is weird. you ever realize captain crunchs eyebrows are actually on his hat? +chandler,well dont you see how gross that is? i mean thats like you using my,joey,"alright, well next time you take a shower, think about the last thing i wash and the first thing you wash." +friend,"shes probably not even very pretty, just young enough so that everything is still",joey,"ah, i was just in the bathroom, and theres mirrors on both sides of you. so when youre in there its like youre peein with the rockettes." +mr. geller,"apparently, he told johnny shapiro that shes quite a girl. in fact, he told johnny that he thinks hes falling in love with her.",joey,"im sorry. im 28 years old, ive never lived alone, and im finally at a place where ive got enough money that i dont need a roommate anymore." +chandler,"woah, woah, woah. i dont need a roommate either, ok? i can afford to live here by myself. ya know, i may have to bring in somebody once a week to lick the silverware.",joey,"whatre you gettin so bent out of shape for, huh? its not like we agreed to live together forever. were not bert and ernie." +phoebe,"i know, i know, and i was gonna get it but then he came in with this needle and uh, di-, did you know they do this with needles?",joey,"well, i cant use these forever. i mean, lets face it, theyre no friend to the environment." +rachel,"yeah, whos gonna eat all our food, and tie up our phone lines, and - is that my bra? what the hell you doin with my bra?",joey,"oh no-no, its uh, its not what you think. we uh, we used it to, you know, fling water balloons off the roof. remember that, those junior high kids couldnt even get theirs accross the street." +rachel,hey! you remembered to put clothes on this morning.,joey,fifth days a charm. +rachel,"oh, joey, its so great to be back here. i gotta tell you, youre making it so easy on me and emma.",joey,"hey, its great having you back. you know, stay as long as you want, and when does she stop crying all night?" +rachel,"well, ill probably be back to pick her up around six, but shes in the bedroom all ready to go. but she did actually fall back to sleep, so...",joey,shes probably exhausted from all that adorable screaming she did last night. +ross,"bye! hey, i hope emma isnt making it too hard on you.",joey,"no, hey, its been great." +ross,yeah?,joey,"yeah. and look, i just want you to know that with rachel staying here and everything, all my feelings from before are totally over, okay? and even if they werent, when you accidentally walk in on a woman using a breast pump..." +ross,"yeah, thatll do it.",joey,"wow! so, how are you?" +ross,"im, im okay.",joey,really? +ross,"sure, i mean, do i wish me and rachel living together would have worked out? of course. you know, im disappointed, but its not like its a divorce.",joey,"well, actually it..." +ross,"no, its not a divorce, it is not a divorce! anyway, i think rachel and i need to, you know, get on with our lives, maybe, maybe start seeing other people.",joey,"wow, really?" +ross,"yeah, sure, why not? in fact, if you know anyone that would be good for me...",joey,"sure, i know lots of girls." +ross,yeah? any names come to mind?,joey,"ooh, names? opening credits." +phoebe,hey.,joey,hey. i was just gonna get something to eat. you want something? +phoebe,"goodie! thanks. so, how is it living with rachel again? i mean, apart from the great food.",joey,"im fine, im fine, its just, its just weird whats happening with her and ross. you know, yesterday he asked me to fix him up with somebody." +phoebe,"oh my god, rachel asked me if i knew anyone for her too.",joey,why are they doing this? +phoebe,i dont know. theyre so perfect for each other; its crazy.,joey,"you know whats crazy? these jars. what is it, like two bites in here?" +phoebe,i just wish theyd realise they should be together.,joey,"i know, i know. and when they moved back in together, i figured yknow, thats where things were headed." +phoebe,i know. they should be a family. they should get married and have more children.,joey,"yes, and they should name one of their kids joey. i may not have kids; someones gotta carry on the family name." +phoebe,"you know what? maybe once they start dating, and they see whats out there, theyll realise how good they are for each other.",joey,"yeah, because it is slim pickings. i had this date last night: yuck! but we should probably keep it down; shes still in the bedroom." +phoebe,"so, what are we gonna do? are we just gonna go ahead and set them up with people?",joey,i know; that just pushes them further and further apart. +phoebe,"yeah. oh, i know what we can do. we could set ross and rachel up on horrible dates, so that theyll realise how good they are together.",joey,"ooh, thats a great plan!" +phoebe,"yeah, you know what the best part of it is? i get to do my plan-laugh.",joey,"shhh! not so loud, we dont wanna wake up, uh..." +phoebe,"ooh, joey.",joey,hey. +phoebe,hey. im so excited; i just set up rachel with the worst guy tonight.,joey,all right! who is he? +phoebe,"oh, yeah.",joey,shes this really boring woman. shes a teacher! +phoebe,a teacher?,joey,"yeah, yeah, shes really into history and foreign movies... and oh, oh, she loves puzzles. huh? come on, who loves puzzles?" +phoebe,"well, ross does. what... youre - youre ruining the plan! joey, youve - youve fixed him up with his perfect woman!",joey,"oh my god, youre right!" +phoebe,yeah.,joey,she even reads for pleasure! +phoebe,how do you even know a woman like that?,joey,what? im not allowed to know smart women? +phoebe,joey.,joey,i met her at the library. i went in to pee. +phoebe,so now what do we do?,joey,"well, okay, ill - ill just call her and tell her the dates cancelled, and find him somebody else." +phoebe,"what if we dont find him somebody else? well just tell her the dates off, but we dont tell ross, and he goes to the restaurant and gets stood up!",joey,ooh...i hear thats bad. +phoebe,"ooh, so this is great! rachels gonna have a terrible date, ross gets stood up, and then theyll realise how good they have it together.",joey,"ah, yes, the plan!" +phoebe,"its not santas plan. no, its...",joey,"yeah, you know, its not that fun." +phoebe,"my dear, sweet rach.",joey,"oh, great, pretty soon theyll be back together." +monica,"yes, but we have to be fast. chandler : okay, ill try. and you cant make any noise. monica : okay, ill try.",joey,hello? +monica,"oh, we were playing peek-a-boo. she just � she loves it when im dramatic.",joey,because you two were having sex! +monica,"no, we werent!",joey,dont you lie to me! i could tell by chandlers hair. you are so lazy. cant you get on top for once? +chandler,"all right, all right, we were. we were trying to make a baby. monicas ovulating.",joey,hey! it is unacceptable that you two would have sex with emma in the next room. im gonna have to tell rachel about this. +monica,"no, please dont. please, joey. she will kill us!",joey,"hey, i gotta! unless..." +monica,unless what?,joey,unless you name your firstborn child joey. +chandler,what? why?,joey,"hey, i may never have kids, and somebodys gotta carry on my family name." +chandler,your family name is tribbiani.,joey,you almost had me. +phoebe,"now, wait a minute. so, theyre gonna name their first child joey?",joey,uh-huh. +phoebe,how - how do i get them to name the next one after me?,joey,"its easy, you just walk in on them having sex." +ross,"wait a minute; you dont think it was intentional? i mean, thats just stupid.",joey,"were geniuses! yeah, look at them, look at them, theyre really bonding." +phoebe,"oh, they see us! oh, they, they look mad. oh, they figured it out. theyre coming this way. run!",joey,where? +phoebe,mexico! end credits.,joey,can you believe theyre still not here? +ross,"i know. a double blind date, and we both get stood up. what are the chances?",joey,"i know, im so bummed. can we have our free crab cakes now?" +waiter,what?,joey,weve been stood up. and we want our free crab cakes. +ross,"oh! got ‘em right here, check!",joey,"it’s all london, baby! here we go." +chandler,you got your passport?,joey,"yeah, in my third drawer on my dresser. you don’t want to lose that." +chandler,all right! let’s do it!,joey,woo-hoo!! +ross,"yeah, cheerie-o!",joey,london baby! +chandler,"okay, ‘cause that’s not gonna get annoying.",joey,london baby!! +ross,"all right, let’s go! bye, pheebs!",joey,"bye, pheebs!" +phoebe,"oh, do you need a hug? you don’t have to bring me anything!",joey,come on! do something! +chandler,"i am, i’m ignoring you.",joey,"okay, here! i wanna be the on camera guy. all right, first stop, westminster abbey." +chandler,"oh, what the hell is that?",joey,"it’s london, baby! all right, the hotel’s here. wait. no, we wanna go… no. i know. i’m gonna have to go into the map." +chandler,"okay, if you see a little version of me in there? kill it!",joey,i got it! here we go. +chandler,"okay. listen-listen, we’re not gonna have to walk this way the entire time are we?",joey,"shhh! man, you made me lose it!" +monica,they torn it down a few days early.,joey,"all right! westminster abbey! hands down, best abbey i’ve ever seen. hey! okay. what do you think of the abbey, chandler?" +chandler,"i think it’s great. it’s great. y’know, they’re thinking of changing the name of this place.",joey,really? to what? +chandler,to put the camera away!!!,joey,"man, you are westminster crabby." +phoebe,"well, because we thought you knew!! it’s so obvious! god, that would be like telling monica, hey, you like things clean.",joey,hey! +the vendor,"so, what are you guys in the market for? we’ve got uh, scarves, tulip post cards...",joey,check this out? huh? yeah. that’s the stuff. what do you think? +chandler,"well, i don’t have to buy that, i’m with stupid t-shirt anymore.",joey,"well, i like it. here you go." +chandler,"all right, look, you’re not really gonna buy that are you? don’t you think you’ve embarrassed me enough for one day?",joey,"oh, i embarrass you?" +chandler,"all right, look, if you insist on wearing that, in public, y’know, you’re gonna spend the rest of the afternoon all by yourself.",joey,oh yeah? if you’re gonna make me choose between you and the hat? i choose the hat. +the vendor,good choice.,joey,thanks. +rachel,"well, i like you less!",joey,hey. +chandler,hey.,joey,oh. sorry! +chandler,"no-no-no, y’know what? i really shouldn’t have said that you were embarrassing me, i mean that really wasn’t cool. and if it makes you feel any better, i’ve had a really lousy day.",joey,me too. +chandler,yeah?,joey,"noo!! i’ve had the best day ever! dude, check this out!" +monica,hey!,joey,sh-shh-shh! +fergie,"okay, so umm, what’s your friend’s name?",joey,"oh, chandler." +monica,oh my god!,joey,that’s fergie baby!! +chandler,how did you? how? how?,joey,"well, i was trying to figure out how to get to buckingham palace, right? so, i’m in my map and-and… hey!" +chandler,i’m gonna go to the bathroom.,joey,wait up! +chandler,that was pretty intense huh?,joey,"yeah. hey, i hope ross didn’t think that we just went in there because we were uncomfortable being out here!" +phoebe,hello.,joey,"hey, pheebs! it’s joey!" +phoebe,"hey, joey! hey! ooh! ooh! i just say someone on the—that looks just like you on the subway. and i was gonna go over and say ‘hi!’ but then i figured, he doesn’t care if he looks like you.",joey,"that just cost me four bucks. but uh listen, i just called to see how the chick and the duck are doing?" +phoebe,"ohh, they’re having a great time with their aunt phoebe! aunt rachel hasn’t been helpful at all. so, do you miss me?",joey,"kinda, but i’ve just been having way too much fun." +phoebe,so you’re not homesick yet?,joey,"no, i don’t think so." +phoebe,"all right, the seven of us miss you.",joey,who’s seven? +phoebe,"y’know, me, rachel, the birds, the babies…",joey,"ahh, the babies miss me?" +phoebe,"ooh, the pizza guy’s here!",joey,what? you ordered pizza without me?! +phoebe,"yeah. but y’know we were thinking about you, y’know we ordered the joey special.",joey,two pizzas?! +phoebe,"yep! okay, gotta go, talk to you later.",joey,"wait, well, where did you get it from?!" +waiter,"goat cheese, water chestnuts, and panchetta.",joey,"that’s not food...no, i don’t, no... everythings different here...i want to go home. i...i miss my family. i miss the coffee house. i can’t even remember what phoebe looks like." +chandler,"joey, it’s been three days, okay.. your just a little homesick, okay. would you just try to relax. just, just try to enjoy yourself.",joey,your different here too. your mean in england. +chandler,"and i’m sure we’re all very excited that ross and emily are getting married at montgomery hall. i mean to think, my friend getting married in monty hall. ohh, come on!! monty hall!! lets make a deal!! come on, you people!! all right, forget it!! congratulations, ross and emily.",joey,"hey, best man number two, joey tribbiani. now i’m not good with the jokes like chandler here. boy...but ahh, i just want to say congratulation to the happy couple. i first met ross in this coffee house back home...home...new york city...where everybody knows my name. well anyway, i love you guys. but not as much as i love america. could we please..go home now?" +felicity,are you going home? i was hoping to get to know you better.,joey,"i’m not going anywhere, sweetheart." +phoebe,i know that!!! you have to stop her!! she’s going to ruin the wedding!!,joey,hold on. hold on. rachel coming. do...something. +phoebe,so tell me about this girl?,joey,look we’ve got to find her. phoebe just called!! rachel’s coming to tell ross she loves him!! +monica,you can let some of them go by!,joey,"pisst, monica. alright, we really need to start looking out for rachel. i’ll cover the front door. you watch that big hole at the back of the building and i got chandler covering ross." +monica,why would i care where chandler is? you know uhh...you know sometimes i don’t even like chandler.,joey,okay. +ross,really?,joey,"oh, yeah." +mrs. waltham,joey there’s a girl on the phone for you.,joey,ohh great!! hello. +story,brian buckner & sebastian jones,joey,"monica, hey, can i borrow the porsche?" +monica,ok.,joey,alright! +monica,but ehm...what is it not?,joey,a place to entertain my lady friends. +monica,and what else is it not?,joey,a place to eat spaghetti. +monica,very good! what do you need it for anyway?,joey,"oh well, the powerball lottery is upto 300 million and they dont sell tickets here in new york, so..." +rachel,oh! so youre driving up to connecticut?,joey,yeah connecticut...not west virginia. +monica,"hey, maybe ill drive you up there! id like to buy some tickets myself!",joey,uh! +ross,the woman just vanished!,joey,"seriously, ross, you dont want in on this?" +chandler,yes but theres six of us so wed only have to get struck by lightning 7 times.,joey,i like those odds! +chandler,kinda like joey.,joey,whats that now? +ross,theyre towing a car. and i am seeing...spots.,joey,oh my god ross! you dont have emma! and rachel you dont have emma! wheres emma? who has emma!? +rachel,joey relax! my mother picked her up two hours ago. you were there!,joey,i was? +racel,yes and you talked to her...,joey,i did? +rachel,she dropped off a casserole?,joey,oh yeah! the casserole lady. +monica,"chandler is supposed to find out if hes getting an assistent job at his ad agency. but out of the 15 interns, they are only hiring three.",joey,ooh! tough odds! +ross,yeah if only it were a sure thing like your 24 state lottery!,joey,look whos coming around! +chandler,damnit. alright call me when you know more.,joey,did you get it? +chandler,one of the slots got filled.,joey,by you!? +rachel,"oh no, im good, i dont wanna get that turkey smell all over my hands.",joey,ill do it!! itll get the casserole stink off of mine. +monica,"well, it doesnt really matter ... youre both wishing for the same thing, right?",joey,i cant tell you what im wishing for! else...you know...wont come true! +monica,right! .. but we know what youre wishing for!,joey,cant really say! +monica,"i understand, but youre wishing for what we think youre wishing for, arent you?",joey,im not really comfortable with these questions! +phoebe,"one, two, three!",joey,"i won, hey!" +chandler,ooh! calm down ...,joey,"seriously, thats your fantasy? to invest it?" +ross,"oh, im sorry, did i say invest it? i meant be cool and piss it all away",joey,"ooh, ooh, i know! we should pool all own money and buy the knicks!" +rachel,i dont really care about the knicks.,joey,"oh, you will when i pick you as starting forward." +chandler,"you know, im not sure a sports team is the way to go.",joey,youre not gonna let me buy the knicks?? i cant believe youre taking this away from me! +chandler,"hello? hello? oh, hey charlie. did anybody else hear? ... what? susan got it?? how? oh man, i would have slept with him!! .. alright, bye.",joey,"dude, im sorry. but hey, theres one spot left, right?" +ross,3 minutes ago!!! i dont know why thats important ...,joey,"i was with you the whole time we were in connecticut, when did you even get those?" +monica,when you were reading the dirty magazines without taking off the plastic!,joey,ill show you how. +rachel,"oh! alright, you know what? thats it! i want my share of the tickets !",joey,"yeah, i want my tickets too ! and im buying the knicks! and steffi graff, ah ah!" +monica,"no, no! we should divide them up and i should get extra because we used my card to buy them!",joey,"hey, if anybody gets extra tickets, it should be me! this all thing was my idea!" +rachel,"ok, thats it! just giveem to me! ill split them up!",joey,oh! +rachel,"oh, if she jumps, i get her tickets.",joey,"no, no!" +rachel,"hi mum, put her back on!",joey,"rach, come on! they are announcing the numbers! my god, i can already feel myself changing." +all,wow!,joey,and what did she say? +ross,shes gonna be a scientist!,joey,damnit! anybody got anything? +monica,you bet! no tv or anything!,joey,"hey, that is so great about the job." +chandler,"thanks, man.",joey,and i like to think i had a little something to do with it. +chandler,really? what?,joey,"well, before, with the wishbone... i didnt wish we would win the lottery, i wished youd get the job." +chandler,"oh yeah? listen, dont tell monica, shell rip your heart right out.",joey,oh yeah. +chandler,me too.,joey,me too. +ross,i guess if everybody else is...,joey,"hey guys, so i just called the powerball hotline, can you believe it? nobody won." +chandler,"well, theyre joeys! they gotta be joeys!",joey,"yeah, theyre mine." +ross,why are they here?,joey,"i dont know uhh… well, im joey. yeah, im disgusting, i take my underwear off in other peoples homes." +rachel,"take em! joey, you can touch them! theyre your underwear.",joey,chandler? a word. +monica,"thank you joey, thank you so much!",joey,"oh hey, no, youre not welcome. okay, look, i hate this! you guys keep embarrassing me! yesterday, rachel found your razor in our bathroom and i didnt know what to say, so i said it was mine and-and that i was playing a woman in a play. and one thing led to another and" +monica,"wow! and around the ankles, yknow that is a tough spot.",joey,"yeah, it was! all right, listen, i cant…" +chandler,all this lying has been hard on us too.,joey,"oh-oh, yeah-yeah, i bet all the sex makes it easier!" +chandler,help!,joey,"all right! but, you do it with me once." +monica,joey!,joey,didnt think so. +rachel,"hey, pheebs!",joey,"hey, pheebs!" +ross,hi.,joey,whats wrong buddy? +chandler,"knock-knock. whos there? ross gellers lunch. ross gellers lunch, who? ross gellers lunch, please dont take me. okay?",joey,im surprised you didnt go home wearing your lunch. +cynthia,"god, this was really fun! ive been wondering if you were going to ask me out.",joey,"so you uh, still wondering?" +cynthia,"no, we just went out.",joey,youre smart. i like that. +cynthia,"oh, candles! what is that? a blanket? a video camera? oh my god!",joey,"oh no-no-no-no, wait-wait-wait!!" +cynthia,i cant believe you thought that you were going to video tape us having sex on the first date!,joey,hiya. +rachel,"and with chandler in the next room. what are you, what are you sick?",joey,"im joey. i mean, im disgusting. i make low-budget adult films." +chandler,yeah.,joey,"well, im telling everyone about you! thats the only way to explain the underwear and the video camera that doesnt make me look like a pig!" +chandler,"no-no, wait! theres got to be a better explanation. you can tell them you had to make an adult film for your adult film class.",joey,"yeah, i like that. but no-no, how does that explain why rachel found my underwear at your place?" +chandler,oh—i dont know.,joey,"well, get ready to come out of the non-gay closet!" +monica,"okay, just wait, please. i promise well come up with something. just give us a little more time.",joey,"all right. hey, but it better make me look really, really good. oh, and another thing, the video camera? nice!!" +rachel,oh my god! thats monica!!,joey,oh no-no-no! no-no-no-no-no-no-no! +phoebe,"all right, wait! just wait. everybody just calm down. okay? lets give our friend joey a chance to explain why hes such a big pervert!",joey,no! i am not a pervert! okay? its just… i just… kinda… +chandler,"all right, look! look. i think i can explain this.",joey,thank you! +chandler,joeys a sex addict.,joey,what?!! no im not!! +monica,its okay! its good! its good. its a disease!,joey,no! no! i am not a sex addict! +monica,yes you are! thats the only way to explain all this stuff!,joey,"no it isnt! no, its not. because you can also explain it with the truth!" +phoebe,whats going on?,joey,i slept with monica. +ross,you slept with my sister?,joey,"uh yes, but it was, we just did it once uh, in london." +rachel,"monica, is this true?",joey,of course its true! how else would you explain all the weird stuff thats been going on? +rachel,"okay, but if it only happened that one time, how come we found your underwear in our apartment the other day?",joey,ahh—oy! that was the underwear i was wearing that night in london. right monica? +chandler,are you sure joe? are you sure youre not just a sex addict?,joey,"no! if anyones a sex addict here, its monica! yeah. yeah. she has been trying to get me back in the sack ever since london!" +phoebe,so thats why she gave you a naked picture of herself.,joey,that makes sense! +rachel,and the video camera?,joey,"uhh, monica?" +monica,i guess i set up the video camera to try and entice joey.,joey,but sadly i could not be enticed. +monica,im monica. im disgusting. i stalk guys and keep their underpants.,joey,"well, i think weve all learned something about whos disgusting and whos not. eh? all right, now, im going to get back to my bucket. im only eating the skin, so the chickens up for grabs. ending credits" +chandler,how can she be great if she’s from poughkeepsie? that joke would’ve killed in albany.,joey,"done! i did it! heh, who’s stupid now?" +rachel,"well, believe me, it’s been a long time since i’ve been flung.",joey,"well, i know what i’m giving you for christmas." +monica,i mean i have not been picked on this much since kindergarten and they had to bring in someone from junior high to do the see-saw with me.,joey,ohhh! +chandler,"hey, you know what you can do? i remember reading about this director, i think it was orson wells, who at the beginning of the movie would hire somebody, just so he could fire them in front of everybody. then they would all know, who’s boss.",joey,"hey, mon! i’m not doing anything, why don’t you fire me?" +monica,"that’s a good idea! wait, do you know how to waiter?",joey,good enough to get fired. +monica,"all right, you’re hired!",joey,hey! that must be why i got fired last week! does this orson wells guy direct burger king commercials? +phoebe,i know but it’s so hard! nothing rhymes with your stupid name!,joey,what are you talking about? lots of things rhyme with rachel. bagel. mail. jail. bail. able. may-pole. +chandler,"oh yeah, i just showed this a picture of you and guys were throwing themselves at me! they’re buying me drinks! they’re giving me stuff! knicks tonight?",joey,sure! where are the seats? +chandler,"it’s a big company, i don’t—if you—i…",joey,"now, wait a second! you make food and robots?" +monica,"all right, i’m gonna go to work. does anybody have a problem with that?",joey,"yeah, lady, i do! i got a problem with that!" +monica,you want a problem? i’ll give you a problem!,joey,"oh, what are you gonna do? you’re gonna fire me?" +ross,"well, i-i want to give her another chance, y’know? she lives so close. and, at the end of the date, the other time, she-she said something that was—if she was kidding was very funny. on the other hand, if she wasn’t kidding, she’s not fun, she’s stupid, and kind of a racist.",joey,hey! +phoebe,"hey! ooh, how was your first day working at the restaurant?",joey,damn! +monica,hey.,joey,"hey, what happened to your fancy chef’s jacket?" +monica,"they baked it. i can’t take this anymore. i’m gonna call a meeting tonight, i’m gonna fire you tonight.",joey,you got it! oh-oh! +monica,what are you doing?!,joey,it’s still a tiny bit on fire there. +monica,"hey, joey, could you pass the cheese?",joey,"yeah. listen uh, i’d prefer it if you didn’t call me joey. since i don’t know anyone here, i thought it’d be cool to try out a cool work nickname." +a waiter,"hey, dragon! here’s your tips from monday and tuesday.",joey,there’s like-there’s like 300 bucks in this one! +monica,"a positive atmosphere! but i-i-i have had it up to here. from now on, it is gonna be my way, or the highway! all right? does anybody have a problem with that?!! hey new guy! i said, does anybody have a problem with that?!",joey,no ma’am. +monica,what the hell happened?!,joey,"i am so-so-so sorry. i was gonna do it! really! but i was standing there with 327 dollars in one hand and 238 dollars in the other hand, and i was thinking, wow! it’s been a long time since i had… 327 + 238 dollars!" +monica,"joey, we had a deal. that-that’s why you’re here! i’ve got to fire you!",joey,"and i gotta pay rent! look, how-how about this? you don’t fire me, instead i stay here, i gain their trust, and they’ll start listening to all the nice things i’ve been saying about you." +monica,what kinda things have you been saying?,joey,"well nothing yet, they really hate you and i want to fit in." +monica,"i’m a good person. and i’m a good chef, and i don’t deserve to have marinara sauce all over me! y’know what, if you want me to quit this bad, then all you have to do is…",joey,hey! chef geller! y’know that little speech you made the other day? well i got a problem with it! +monica,you do?,joey,"you bet i do! i just ah, wasn’t listening then, that’s all." +monica,well if you want a problem? i’ll give you a problem!,joey,what are you gonna do? you’re gonna fire me? +woman on train,"oh, no. but it’s just a two hour ferry ride to nova scotia.",joey,well i guess i should’ve thought about my wife and kids before i talked back to chef geller! +monica,thanks.,joey,yep! looks like it’s gonna be a leeeeean christmas at the dragon house this year. +monica,enough!,joey,lean-lean-lean! +monica,i know!!! my erection is back!,joey,thank you! +phoebe,"joey, can i have a sip of your coffee and a bite of your muffin?",joey,okay. phoebe thank you. thank you! +phoebe,"im sorry, its just, im a little short on cash.",joey,if you want i could loan you some money? +phoebe,"oh no, no, no. i learned never to borrow money from friends. no, thats why richard dreyfuss and i dont speak anymore.",joey,"oh, hey, how about this? wanna be an extra on my show?" +phoebe,you could do that?,joey,"yeah, yeah. the pay is pretty good and you could do it for as long as you need." +phoebe,"oh my god, im gonna be on tv!",joey,"okay, now. i gotta tell you, being on tv isnt as glamorous and exciting as you think." +phoebe,"oh, really?",joey,no it is awesome! +ross,rachel and i are bringing emma to ralph lauren today to introduce her to everyone. doesnt she look cute?,joey,she sure does. why does she have a pink bow taped to her head? +phoebe,"joey, look at me! im a nurse!",joey,"yes you are. i think it may be time for my sponge bath. sorry, im just so used to hitting on the extras. so, are you excited about your scene?" +phoebe,yeah! but im a little shaky and nervous.,joey,"oh, relax. dont be. youll be fine, youll be fine. theyll probably just make you stand in the back." +director,cut!,joey,"hey, you know what? dont worry, pheebs! it usually takes me three takes too! alright, eight." +rachel,"no, i said today! see, for a superhero, not so much with the listening.",joey,hey. +phoebe,"hey. so, what did he say?",joey,"well, he can be a little rough around the edges, so im gonna replace a word he used a lot, with the word puppy." +phoebe,"im sorry, i cant do this. im not an actor.",joey,"thats right, youre not. youre a nurse. youre nurse with tray." +phoebe,joey.,joey,"no, no. nurse with tray doesnt know joey, she doesnt have time for friends. she gets in that operating room and she carries that tray to the doctor, because if she doesnt, people die!" +phoebe,who dies?,joey,man with eye patch! you get in there and you do your job. +phoebe,"yes, doctor.",joey,okay. +phoebe,"joey, listen. i cant do this, it doesnt make any sense. yesterday i was a nurse, and today im a waitress at a cafe?",joey,"oh, sometimes we use the same extras for different parts. its okay." +phoebe,"well, its not okay, because i gave a very memorable performance as the nurse. and now suddenly im the waitress? thats gonna confuse my fans.",joey,"maybe you are a nurse, but you moonlight as a waitress." +phoebe,"uhuh. because im a single mother, supporting my two children.",joey,nice. +phoebe,wait a minute. dr. drake ramoray and i work at the same hospital. wouldnt i come over to say hi to him?,joey,"no, no. see, you and drake are having a fight." +phoebe,about what?,joey,he slept with you and then never called you. +another extra,me too!,joey,"oh, calm down! she means on the show! we need some new extras around here!" +gavin,"im really fine, dont worry, im great with children. gavin mitchell. pleased to meet you.",joey,please dont fire my friend. just let me talk to her. +director,"okay, okay. but this is her last chance.",joey,"thank you, thank you. how about i do something for you? tomorrow, ill bring you a hat, cover up the bald?" +phoebe,i cant do that. im an actor. i have a process.,joey,youre a masseuse. you have a table with a hole in it. +phoebe,"wait a minute, i see whats happening here. youre threatened.",joey,what? +phoebe,"yeah, im so good in this scene that im stealing focus from you. well, rise to the challenge tribianni cause i just raised the bar. come join me up here!",joey,"yeah, you can fire her, but i would call security, she wont go easy." +phoebe,"oh hey you guys, i couldn�t get a reservation for the night of my birthday, so we have to do dinner thursday night instead.",joey,thursday? but that�s halloween. +phoebe,where is everyone? they�re forty minutes late.,joey,"i know, u-uch." +phoebe,"i�m starving. i know we were coming here tonight, i ate nothing all day.",joey,"what about me, he? only had one lunch today." +waiter,"right. we do have a table for two available, perhaps you would be more comfortable.",joey,"no, they�re comin�, we�re waitin� right here." +waiter,it�s been an hour. ??? be willing to reconsider switching to a smaller table.,joey,maybe we should just eat now. +waiter,you can�t order until your entire party has arrived. restaurant policy.,joey,"wha-a how about this: another table leaves, right? but there�s still some food left on their place, okay, what�s the restaurant�s policy about people eatin� that?" +waiter,estrangement .,joey,but it happens? i�m gotta go to the bathroom. +phoebe,"no, you can�t go. no-no-no, i can�t hold this table on my own. if they ask me to move, i cave.",joey,"if you ask me to stay, i�ll pee. maitre d�: good evening, miss. miss? miss? miss!" +phoebe,"okay, fine, i�ll move. alright, you don�t have to manhandle me. where? okay. thank you. wach.",joey,"finally you guys made it. pheebs, who the hell�uhuhh!" +phoebe,"well, i guess they�re not coming. you wanna just order?",joey,"thank you. waiter! �lright," +phoebe,"both it is, thank you.",joey,"oh, uh, again. can i make a special request: can you bring everything as soon as it�s ready? appetizers, entrees, we don�t care." +rachel,"we got locked out of the apartment, we �",joey,that�s a great story�can i eat it? +rachel,"oh, ooh, everything looks delicious. what should i ha-ave? what should i have?",joey,never hit a woman. never hit a woman. +ross,y�know this ??? is incredible.,joey,ross bruises like a peach. he bruises like a peach. +rachel,"yah, i�ll have the soup and the salmon.",joey,"and remember whatever comes up first. okay? and hurry, because �" +monica,happy birthday!,joey,son of a bitch! +waiter,i�ll give you another minute.,joey,"why are you going? he said, she wanted the shrew!" +phoebe,"you guys, we�ve been waiting for you for a long time, maybe you should order.",joey,"no, no, it�s okay, i already told the waiter what they want." +monica,why would you do that?,joey,"chandler, control your woman!" +phoebe,"well, this is, this is, this is not over! hello?",joey,"well, what is going on with you two?" +chandler,you not gonna believe this: she lied! she tricked me into having sex with her.,joey,"so? did have sex, right?" +monica,bye.,joey,"see ya. well, this is just us." +chandler,"so you never had sex with a kennedy, have you?",joey,"do, do you gonna do it now?" +monica,we don�t have much time. once the egg descended the oviduct �,joey,no-ohoh. maitre d�: i sincerely hope the rest of your party is returning. +waiter,"how was everything, sir?",joey,excellent. the shrew in particular was exclusive. +waiters,"happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear �",joey,joey! joey. +waiters,"� joey, happy birthday to you.",joey,that�s the best birthday ever. +chandler,wow!! can joey and i put them on and fight?,joey,"oh mommie, oh daddie, i am a big old baddie! oh mommie, oh daddie, i am a big old baddie!" +the director,joe. how’s it going?,joey,good. hey. +kate,hi.,joey,"oh, so you’re playing adrienne, huh?" +kate,yes. are you one of the retarded cousins?,joey,"oh, no. ah, i playing your husband, victor. i’m joey tribianni." +kate,"hi, nice to meet you. kate miller.",joey,"so the ah, play’s pretty great, huh?" +kate,"oh, yeah. i love jennifer van murray’s work. she’s so brilliantly incisive when it comes to deconstructing the psyche of the american middle class.",joey,"oh, forget about it. she rocks!" +kate,where do i know you from?,joey,dr. drake remoray. days of our lives. voted most datable neurosurgeon by teen beat. +kate,"no, that’s not it. so, you’re a soap actor? well this must be pretty exciting for you to be in a real play, hmm?",joey,"hey, i’ve done plays before. i’m a serious actor." +kate,that info-mercial! for the milk carton spout thing! you’re-you’re-you’re the guy that doesn’t know how to pour milk!!,joey,"see, i actually can pour milk, but i got you believing that i couldn’t. now, see, that’s acting." +kate,"right, at the end, you choked on a cookie.",joey,"yeah, that was real." +phoebe,"okay, so it’s probably just the ross thing then.",joey,"i hate this woman!! i hate her! she told everyone in the company about that info-mercial, and now they all keep asking me to open their drinks. okay, and whenever i can’t do it, they’re all like-like laughing at me." +ross,so rachel called. wants to see me. going over in a minute.,joey,"wow, what-what do you think she wants?" +phoebe,"yeah, or, or, or, mississ-pete.",joey,"oh, oh, i got it! pete-chicago." +chandler,that’s not a state joe.,joey,"oh, and mississ-pete is?" +kate,happy?! is that what i’m supposed to be vic? happy?,joey,"well, why don’t you tell me what you’re supposed to be! huh? because i sure as hell can’t figure it out! i talk to you and nothin’. you look at me, and it’s nothin’. nothing." +the director,"peel the onion. first of all, he’s good looking.",joey,yeah. +kate,i think my character’s gonna need a little bit more of reason than that.,joey,"oh, hey, how about this one. ah, it’s says so in the script! yknow ah, i-i don’t know why my character likes you either, i mean it says in the script here that you’re a bitch." +kate,it doesn’t say that in the script.,joey,it does in mine! +chandler,"i wasn’t doing anything. uh-oh, what did she do now?",joey,"just because she went to yale drama, she thinks she’s like the greatest actress since, since, sliced bread!" +chandler,"ah, sliced bread, a wonderful lady macbeth.",joey,"god, i just, i hate her! i hate her!! with her, ‘oh, i’m so talented.’ and ‘oh, i’m so pretty,’ and ‘ooh, i smell so good.’" +chandler,i think somebody has a crush on somebody.,joey,"hey, chandler, can we please stay focused on my problem here?! yknow?" +chandler,"i’m talking about you. you big, big freak.",joey,"oh. ohh. ohh, you’re out of your mind." +chandler,"hey, you have nothing but talk about her for the last 48 hours! if you were in a school yard you’d be pulling her pigtails and pushing her down now!",joey,"oh, yeah?! then how come i keep thinking about her in all these sexual scenarios and stuff huh?!" +kate,happy?! is that what i’m supposed to be vic? happy?,joey,"well, why don’t you tell me what you’re supposed to be! huh? because i sure as hell can’t figure it out! i talk to you and it’s nothin’. you look at me, and nothin’. nothing." +kate,"well, that was ah...",joey,better? +kate,"yeah! yeah, it was definitely an improvement. g’night.",joey,"ah, kate?" +kate,yeah?,joey,"you ah, you forgot your shoes." +kate,i’m probably gonna need those. huh?,joey,"hey, listen you ah...." +kate,hmm?,joey,...feel like getting a cup of coffee? +kate,"so umm, i’ll see you tomorrow, huh?",joey,"yeah, yeah sure, goodnight." +chandler,"well, i dont know what big leon told ya but its an even thousand if you want me for the whole night. what is this for?",joey,"well, im makin money now and this is payin you back for head shots, electric bills, and so many slices of pizza i cant even count. i love ya man." +chandler,"well, doesnt the fact that i wore the bracelet even though i hated it say something about our friendship and how much it means to me?",joey,"well, what about the fact that you insulted the bracelet and you made fun of me?" +chandler,"no, i cant. no no, listen, i, i know how much this means to you and i also know",joey,"wow, is this friendship? i think so. check it out, were bracelet buddies." +phoebe,oh hey! how was your audition?,joey,"i’m sorry, do i know you?" +phoebe,what are you doing?,joey,"nothing, i’m just practicing blowing you off because i’m gonna be a big movie star!" +phoebe,oh! you got it?!,joey,"well, no not yet. but the audition went really good." +monica,what was it for?,joey,"oh, it’s this big budget period movie about these three italian brothers who come to america around the turn of the century. it’s really classy! oh, and the director is supposed to be the next, next martin scorcese." +phoebe,"the next, next?",joey,"yeah, there’s this guy from chicago who’s supposed to be the next martin scorcese, all right? but then this guy’s right after him. hello!" +estelle,joey! it’s estelle! i just talked to the casting people; they loved you!,joey,they loved me! +estelle,"yeah, they wanna see you again tomorrow.",joey,oh my god! +estelle,there’s just one thing. do you have a problem with full frontal nudity?,joey,"are you kidding me? i never rent a movie without it! oh. uh, okay uh let me call you back." +phoebe,what’s the matter?,joey,they want me to be totally naked in the movie! +monica,wow!,joey,i know! my grandmother’s gonna see this! +monica,hey! what did you decide to do about the movie?,joey,"i don’t know! it’s not like it’s porn! this is a serious, legitimate movie. y’know? and the nudity is really important to the story." +monica,that’s what you say about porn.,joey,you’re right. maybe i shouldn’t even go on the call back. +monica,no! no you should! a lot of major actors do nude scenes! i mean the chance to star in a movie? come on!,joey,well that’s true. and i am only naked in one scene. plus it sounds really great. my character’s catholic and he falls in love with this jewish girl. who run away together and they get caught in this big rainstorm. so we go into this barn and undress each other and hold each other. it’s really sweet and-and tender. +monica,wafer thin ice!,joey,"hey, i’m back!" +the casting director,hi-hi joey.,joey,"uh so, will-will i be reading the same scene again?" +the casting director,"actually, i tried to call to you. you didn’t need to come down here today.",joey,"oh great! y’know i would’ve been perfect for this part, but whatever! y’know, thanks for making a bad decision and ruining your movie! good day!" +the casting director,wait joey! you didn’t need to come down because the director saw your tape from yesterday and loved it.,joey,and scene! huh? wasn’t that fun? we did a little improv there. yeah! okay! so you-you-you-you were saying? +the casting director,"well, the director thinks you’re really right for the part and wants to meet you tomorrow.",joey,wow! sure! that’s great! +the casting director,oh and your agent said you were okay with the nudity.,joey,"yeah! yeah sure, just long as it’s handled tastefully and that barn is not too cold." +the casting director,"terrific! well uh, there’s one more thing. uhh, uh it’s really important to the director that everything in this movie is authentic. yeah and so in your love scene with sarah she talks about how she’s never seen a naked man who wasn’t jewish. so…",joey,so…what? +the casting director,"so uh well the director is insisting that whoever play that part be authentically, anatomically not jewish. do you know what i’m saying?",joey,yes! +the casting director,okay.,joey,no. what? +the casting director,an italian catholic immigrant at this time would not be…,joey,barmifsaed? +monica,so to get this part you can’t be?,joey,nope. +monica,but you are?,joey,yep. +monica,but you told them you weren’t?,joey,that’s right. +monica,wow! wow! and it’s definitely all gone? there’s nothing there to work with? what were you thinking?,joey,"i don’t know! i really want this part! and they tell you no matter what you get asked at an audition you say yes. like if-if they want you to ride a horse, you tell ‘em you can! and just figure out how to do it later." +monica,joey! this is not like learning to ride a horse! this is like learning to…grow a turtleneck!,joey,i kn-i know! i know! okay? and apparently tomorrow when i go in to meet the director i have to take off my clothes so that they can see what my body looks like. +monica,"oh my god, what are you gonna do?!",joey,i just have to call my agent and tell her i can’t do the part. +monica,unless!,joey,unless what? +monica,"well, this may sound crazy, but there maybe something we could fashion.",joey,like what? +monica,"okay, we have a lot of options here, a number of prototypes for you to try on.",joey,wow! this looks great! +monica,"yeah! okay, this one is a mushroom cap. umm, this one is made of bologna.",joey,and-and-and-and-and the toothpicks? +monica,"oh, just until the glue dries.",joey,thank god! +monica,"now, these are-are more realistic, but perishable.",joey,ah. +monica,"okay? over here we have pink suede, which is nice. but umm, if it gets wet then you know it’s gonna shrink.",joey,well maybe we just take that one away. +monica,"i also, did a little something in fur. but umm, that’s really just for me. okay. so, why don’t you go into your room and try these on and we’ll see—get a better idea of what’s gonna work.",joey,"thanks, you are such a good friend. and this is so weird." +monica,toothpick?,joey,yeah. +monica,what are you trying on now?,joey,the fruit roll up. +monica,and?,joey,delicious. +monica,joey!,joey,wait a minute! wait a minute! we have a winner! +monica,what?! which one?!,joey,the silly putty! it’s not so silly anymore! +rachel,…monica.,joey,"and what’s cool is, the character is from naples, right?" +the director,yeah.,joey,my whole family’s from naples! +the casting director,"joey, this is awkward part.",joey,"oh! hey right! not a problem. i totally understand. you need to y’know make sure i don’t have any horrible scars or tattoos. don’t you worry; i have nothing to hide. so there you go, that’s me. one hundred percent natural! i tell ya, that has never happened before. ending credits" +rachel,"oh my goood! oh, do you think its on all of them?",joey,"oh no, im sure the xerox machine caught a few." +rachel,ok.,joey,shut up! +ross,uhhhh... joey cried last night.,joey,thank you. +chandler,"we were playing poker, alright...",joey,"there was chocolate on the three. it looked like an eight, alright?" +chandler,there just dont happen to be any women in our games.,joey,"yeah, we just dont happen to know any women that know how to play poker." +phoebe and rachel,ooooooo!,joey,"whoa, whoa, whoa, monica, whatre you doin? this is a poker game. you cant serve food with more than one syllable. its gotta be like chips, or dip, or pretz..." +phoebe,": oh i see, so then, you were lying.",joey,about what? +phoebe,about how good your cards were.,joey,heh... i was bluffing. +rachel,oh. right.,joey,"you know what, you guys? its their first time, why dont we just forget about the money, alright?" +ross,"look, rachel, this is poker. i play to win, alright? in order for me to win, other people have to lose. so if youre gonna play poker with me, dont expect me to be a nice guy, ok? cause once those cards are dealt...",joey,...yeah? +ross,"you are way off, pal.",joey,"no, i dont think so, see ross, because i think you love her." +monica,"ok, great. youll tell us and well laugh. lets play poker.",joey,"alright now listen, you guys, we talked about it, and if you dont want to play, we completely understand." +ross,"so, phoebs owes $7.50, monica, you owe $10, and rachel, you owe fifteen big ones.",joey,"but hey, thanks for teachin us cross-eyed mary. you guys, we gotta play that at our regular game." +phoebe,"alright, heres my $7.50. but i think you should know that this money is cursed.",joey,what? +ross,i want to go to the bathroom.,joey,"alright, well, im gonna order a pizza." +rachel,"oh no-no-no-no-no, im still waiting to hear from that job and the store closes at nine, so you can eat then.",joey,thats fine. ill just have a tic-tac to hold me over. +chandler,"hey, thats... thats joincidence with a c!",joey,uh... phoebe? phoebe? +monica,me too.,joey,"me too. alright, whattaya got." +phoebe,"ok joey, your bet.",joey,"ahhh, i fold like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face. oh, im out." +rachel,"yeah.......ok. where were we? oh, ok... five card draw, uh... jacks or better... nothing wild, everybody ante.",joey,"look, rachel, we dont have to do this." +monica,"alright, check.",joey,check. +ross,": joey, im a little shy.",joey,"thats ok, ross, you can ask me. what?" +chandler,"alright, heres ten.",joey,"here, i got five, i got five." +ross,you got me.,joey,": ahhh, thats alright. yknow, thats a tough hand to beat." +monica,bye... bye... birdie.,joey,oh! +ross,uh.... bean! bean!,joey,the unbearable likeness of being! +monica,"that, you get? that, you get?",joey,"okay, ross, i realise that you didnt expect to walk in and see that, but.. let me explain, okay?" +rachel,we werent doing anything!,joey,"rach, he just saw us." +rachel,shhh.,joey,"but what you saw, that is the extent of it, okay? one kiss." +rachel,"yeah, you started it! ive got to chill.",joey,"look, we probably should have talked to you about this before it ever happened, but.." +rachel,"we feel so terrible about this, ross.",joey,"yeah, but it did happen, so..." +ross,and have you .. ed?,joey,"no, no, no!" +ross,"but if i hadnt walked in here, would you..?",joey,probably. +ross,"hey, hey, hey... if you two are happy, then im happy for you. im fine!",joey,really? +ross,"absolutely. im fine! totally fine. i dont know why its coming out all loud and squeaky, cause really, im fine. im not saying i wasnt a little surprised to see you guys kissing. i mean, at first i was like.. but now that ive had time to absorb it; lovin this.",joey,ross.. +ross,"no. we should all have dinner. yes, well do it tomorrow night. ill cook!!",joey,"look, dont you think that will be a little weird?" +ross,"weird? what? whats weird? the only thing weird would be if someone didnt like mexican food, because im making fajitas!!",joey,i do like fajitas. +monica,"which one is which again? frank jr.: oh, thats frank jr. jr. pulling the tampons out of the ladys purse. and thats chandler climbing on chandler, and thats leslie throwing bagels at him. monica : willing to adopt triplets? no!",joey,"ah, can i just say i know were doing this for ross, and thats cool, but if it was up to me, this is not what wed be doing on our first date." +rachel,"well, what would we be doing?",joey,"id take you out for a romantic night. some champagne, fancy dinner, feel you up on the carriage ride home..." +rachel,feel me up?,joey,in a carriage! +rachel,"oh, you bet.",joey,"so, did you bring a little something for ross?" +charlie,actually.. its stuff you left at my apartment.,joey,"oh. oh, thanks." +charlie,"and you know, you can just give me my stuff whenever you want.",joey,"yeah, i didnt throw any of that out.." +ross,oh! that is so thoughtful. shes a keeper. and what did you bring me?,joey,"uh, actually, thats.." +ross,what? fine? because i am! arent you? arent you? arent you? you see? who else is fine?,joey,"okay, listen, hey, ross. why dont you try to relax, okay? maybe have a drink." +ross,"oh, guys, this is fun, isnt it? you know? just the four of us. just hangin.",joey,"dude, are you okay? and when are the fajitas gonna be ready?" +ross,"o is for oh, wow! the v is for this very surprising turn of events, which im still fine with by the way. e is for how extremely normal i find it. that you two are together. and now one day you might get married and have children of your own.",joey,"dude, are you okay?" +ross,i dont even know what thats for.,joey,you know what? i think im gonna stay here and make sure hes okay. +rachel,"yeah, thats probably a good idea.",joey,yeah. ill see you in the morning. +rachel,"uh-huh. okay. you know what, joey, i dont think hes ever gonna be okay with this.",joey,"it doesnt look good, does it?" +ross,thanks. did you stay here all night?,joey,yeah. +ross,so you took off my pants and shoes?,joey,"no, no, no. you actually did that when you were dancing to the chicago-soundtrack. look, ross, about, about rachel and i. listen, you dont have to worry about that, okay? because nothing is gonna happen." +ross,what do you mean?,joey,"well, she and i said from the beginning that we werent gonna do anything unless you were okay with it. and clearly.." +ross,"hey, what are you talking about? im fine!",joey,"its okay, ross, alright? i totally understand. of course youre not fine. youre.. youre ross and rachel." +ross,"except were not. i mean, we havent been a couple in like, six years. oh my god, is that right? has it been that long?",joey,"thats what i hear, yeah." +ross,"this is crazy. i mean, six years? and because of me you guys arent gonna be together? can i ask you something? really, what is this thing with you and rachel?",joey,"come on, i mean, you know me, you know..." +ross,joey.,joey,im crazy about her. +ross,and she feels the same way?,joey,i think so. +ross,"well, then, maybe its time we all moved on.",joey,"yeah, but, ross, i mean, youre not okay with it." +ross,"no, but i wanna be. hey, i will be. besides, im with charlie, right? oh my god, im still with charlie, arent i? i mean, she didnt see the dance, did she?",joey,"no, no, no, no, that was - that was just for me. are you sure about this?" +ross,"yeah, im sure.",joey,and were okay? +blinking 12,00?,joey,"so, what did you guys think?" +rachel,that’s nice.,joey,"mom, so what did you think?" +phoebe,"uh-huh, yeah that’s right.",joey,"wow! well, my folks really liked it! so what-what did you guys think? it wasn’t that good." +rachel,"oh! hi you guys, oh my god! you’ll never gonna believe happened to me today! i am sitting in my office and…",joey,you guys! you guys! you’re not gonna believe what my agent just told me! +rachel,joey! kinda in the middle of a story here!,joey,"ooh, sorry. sorry. you finish, go." +rachel,"okay, so anyway i’m sittin’ in my office and guess who walks in.",joey,i’m gonna be on two tv shows! +rachel,joey!,joey,"oh, you weren’t finished?" +rachel,yeah! guess who walks into my office is the end of my story. it was ralph lauren! ralph lauren walked into my office!,joey,"uh rach, if you’re gonna start another story, at least let me finish mine." +rachel,it’s the same story.,joey,"wow, it’s really long." +monica,i’m so happy for you!,joey,"well, these really are the days of our lives." +monica,what?!,joey,"well, since you ask. they want me back on days of our lives!" +phoebe,oh hey!,joey,"i’ll be playing drake remoray’s twin brother, stryker!" +monica and phoebe,ahhh!!,joey,well—i got a head rush from standing up to fast right there. +terry,hey-hey-hey joey!,joey,hey terry! +terry,good to see you again!,joey,"it’s been a while, huh? wow, it’s funny these halls look smaller then they used to." +terry,it’s a different building.,joey,so! stryker remoray huh? when do you want me to start? +terry,why don’t we start right now!,joey,okay. +terry,here are the audition scenes.,joey,audition? i thought you were gonna offer me the part. +terry,why would you think that?,joey,"well, i was dr. drake remoray, stryker’s twin brother. i mean, who looks more me than me right?" +terry,everybody has to audition.,joey,"y’know terry, i-i don’t really need to do this. i got my own cable tv series, with a robot." +terry,i’m sorry joey that’s…that’s the way it is.,joey,"well. i guess you think you’re pretty special huh? sittin’ up here in your fancy small hall building. makin’ stars jump through hoops for ya, huh? well y’know what? this is one star who’s hoop… this is a star that the hoop—this hoop—i was dr. drake remoray!" +rachel,hi!,joey,hey. +rachel,"ohh, my new assistant is working out, yes.",joey,was she happy you gave her the job? +rachel,"oh, my-my new assistant has very happy that i hired my new assistant.",joey,"hello? oh hey! can you, can you hang on a second? it’s the producers over at mac and c.h.e.e.s.e. can you excuse me for a minute? hey, funny you should call. i was just looking over next week’s script. canceled?! like they’re taking it off the air? ohh. all right, see you monday. we’re not even shootin’ them anymore?!! all right, bye! they canceled mac and c.h.e.e.s.e!" +rachel,i’m sorry joey.,joey,why would they do that?! it was a good show right?! +ross,"whatever dude, you kissed a guy.",joey,"how could this happen to me?! yesterday i had two tv shows! today, i got nothin’!" +rachel,"well wait a minute, what happened to days of our lives?",joey,"uh, well they might be a little mad at me over there." +phoebe,what happened?,joey,well maybe i got a little upset and maybe i told them where they could go. +rachel,"joey, why would you do that?",joey,because they wanted me to audition! +rachel,gay? yeah.,joey,hey! terry. +terry,joey tribbiani! i’m surprised your big head could fit through our small halls! i gotta go joey.,joey,"wait! terry! wait—look—wait i-i… look, i’m really sorry about before. i was an idiot thinking i’m too big to audition for you. you gotta give me another chance." +terry,i can’t help you joey.,joey,"wait! terry! please! look, i just lost my other job. okay? you have no idea how much i need this. please, help me out, for old times sake." +the director,and cut!,joey,i’m back baby! ha-ha-ha! +ross,"and, uh, and then i kissed her.",joey,tongue? +ross,yeah.,joey,cool. +mnca,theres an ad for a naked chef?,joey,"no, but if youre willing to cook naked, then you might be willing to dance" +ross,"yeah, it was, but...i get home, ok, and i see julies saline solution on my night table. and im thinking to myself, oh my god, what the hell am i doing? i mean, here i am, i am with julie, this incredible, great woman, who i care about and who cares about me, and im like, what, am i just gonna throw all that away?",joey,you got all that from saline solution? +phoe,"ok, all right.",joey,"hey, julie, i didnt know you wore lenses." +chan,dont touch the computer. dont ever touch the computer.,joey,"ross, listen. i got two words for you. threesome." +chan,"no, amish boy.",joey,"ok, lets start with the cons, cause theyre more fun. all right, rachel first." +ross,"i dont know. i mean, all right, i guess you can say shes a little spoiled sometimes.",joey,you could say that. +ross,i dont know.,joey,"oh, her ankles are a little chubby." +ross,"well, uh.",joey,"he broke up with julie. well, go hug her, for gods sakes." +rach,come on.,joey,"hey, uh, why dont you read it to her?" +phoe,i... i cannot believe ross even made this list. what a dinkus.,joey,"hey, cut him some slack. it was chandlers idea." +ross,"hey, joey. you wanna open the window?",joey,"oh, yeah, i do." +rachel,ooh... i love barbados!,joey,ooh... i cant believe im kissing you. im kissing rachel! +rachel,"hey, you know, before you said that nothing could happen between us? what changed?",joey,"well, i only said that because of ross, you know. then i saw him kissing charlie..." +ross,"rach, you there?",joey,"oh my god, its ross. what are we gonna do?" +rachel,"oh, ju-ju-just stay calm. just be calm. for all he knows were just hanging out together. right? just be nonchalant. thats not nonchalant!",joey,no idea what it means. +rachel,"yeah, sure...",joey,i dont believe this... have you guys been... +rachel,joey!,joey,is he gone? +rachel,how are you doing this?,joey,pssst... +phoebe,oh no... have you thought about it how complicated this could get? what about ross?,joey,"well, hes with charlie now." +monica,"yeah, but he wants to talk to you before anything really happens with her. and as his friend, i mean, dont you think he deserves the same from you?",joey,"youre a pain in my ass, geller!" +rachel,are they right?,joey,"probably, yeah... i mean, maybe we should... hold off until we talk to ross." +rachel,"yeah... yeah, we can wait, we dont have to do anything tonight.",joey,"yeah, i think thatd be best... so, so im gonna... im gonna take off..." +rachel,although...,joey,i like although! +rachel,"i mean, you know... ross and i havent dated in like... six years...",joey,six years? wow... its almost as long as highschool... +rachel,"plus, you know, he is with charlie now.",joey,absolutely! hes not thinking about you. +rachel,no...,joey,im thinking about you... +rachel,yeah...,joey,lets forget about ross... +rachel,forgotten.,joey,whats wrong? +rachel,"sorry, i just uhm... i cant seem to get ross out of my head...",joey,"well, maybe i can help." +rachel/ross,"ooh, your lips are so soft... do that again...",joey,yeah... we really need to talk to ross... +chandler,what dya know... its a treat for the eyes and the ears.,joey,"whoo, whoo. wow, its uhm... kinda weird that im sitting next to charlie after we broke up." +chandler,"yeah, its almost if air barbados doesnt care about your social life.",joey,"look, does someone mind switching to sit with charlie?" +ross,"oh, i uh, i mean, i... dude, i spent the whole conference with charlie.",joey,i understand... +rachel,ross is coming over. i think now would be a really good time to talk to him.,joey,i guess so. im just... really nervous. +rachel,"okay, well keep in mind that by the time youre done, theyll probably be serving dinner.",joey,ooh... +rachel,still nervous?,joey,im gonna get the lasagna. +ross,hey!,joey,hey! +ross,"so, i uhm... kinda need to talk to you about charlie.",joey,yeah? +ross,"okay, last night after you guys broke up... so sorry to hear about that, by the way... well, charlie and i were talking, and..., well...",joey,you kissed. +ross,wha... what? what would give you that idea?,joey,i saw you. +ross,"yeah, we kissed, but... nothing else... nothing else happened, okay.",joey,"ross, ross, ross... its okay." +ross,what?,joey,"its okay. you know, i totally understand, alright? you guys, make way more sense than her and i ever did, you know. and... i want you to be happy." +ross,are you serious?,joey,yeah... now i have something... +ross,"i am speachless... i mean the fact that you would put my happiness first like that. i mean, youre an incredible friend, you know that?",joey,oh... uh... look... before you... +ross,"no, i mean it. you are so loyal man, and selfless, and generous...",joey,"i am those things, yeah." +ross,"you know what? i know chandler longer, so i always think of him as my best friend, but now... i may have to rethink some stuff...",joey,dude! +ross,"hey, if there is ever, anything i can do for you...",joey,i cant think of anything. +ross,thanks!,joey,yeah. +rachel,"excuse me! you didnt tell him, did you?",joey,i couldnt. he was saying all these really nice things about me. i didnt want him to get mad and take em all back. im on a edge on chandler. +rachel,"oh god! alright, fine. you know what joey, forget it. when we go back to new york, i will tell him.",joey,"thank you. yeah, i appreciate that." +monica,"yeah, i tried to gnaw myself free.",joey,hey! +rachel,hi!,joey,"so, did you err... did you tell ross?" +rachel,"well, i tried, but then he had a shampoo related emergency. so i guess now its your turn again.",joey,"no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no... i think its better if you tell him, you know. its easier for a woman. that way, you know, if he gets mad, all you have to do is go... i didnt mean it. im so so--ooory." +rachel,"yeah, cause thats what we do.",joey,"alright, alright, okay, uhm... how bout this, how about this? tomorrow... tomorrow well both go and well tell him together." +rachel,"okay, that sounds fair. it just means that once again we cant...",joey,"i know, i know..., but thats okay. i mean, we can control ourselves, were not animals." +rachel,"no! of course we can wait. alright, so i guess that means good night then?",joey,yeah! good night! +rachel,goo--ood night!,joey,good night! +rachel,"seriously, good night!",joey,stop saying good night. +chandler,"i thought we weren’t gonna have bachelor/bachelorette parties! y’know, we agreed that it was a silly tradition.",joey,it’s a grand tradition! +rachel,well you could’ve untied it with your hands.,joey,"this is so unfair! the one thing i wanted to do was throw my best friend a bachelor party, but no, i wasn’t allowed to. all i got was a stupid steak dinner!" +chandler,you went home with the waitress.,joey,"oh yeah, that was a pretty good night." +chandler,my god! you must be good in bed!,joey,"so uh, you and mona, been a while now. how’s it going?" +ross,"ah, it’s good. it’s going good. i mean, we get along great. she’s, she’s so…",joey,hot? +chandler,"well, you have to honest with her! otherwise you may think that you’re going down the same path, but you’re really going down different ones.",joey,i’m gonna take that book and beat you to death with it. +chandler,honey! that’s crazy! i don’t want you to get me a stripper…,joey,will you let the lady talk?! +chandler,all right fine! but i’m only doing this for you!,joey,yeah! +chandler,i understand: who would cancel an actual date to go to a fake bachelor party?,joey,i’m sorry i gotta cancel tonight baby… +rachel,"yes. yes, he says i’m damaged goods.",joey,"so you uh, nervous about getting married?" +chandler,what are you doing?,joey,"look, look let’s pretend it’s a real bachelor party. okay? y’know? before your wedding. come on, it’ll be fun." +chandler,okay. i can’t believe tomorrow’s the big day.,joey,how does it feel knowing you’re never gonna be with another woman again huh? knowing you’re gonna have to wake up to the same face everyday until you finally have the sweet release of death. +chandler,"you’re right, this is more fun.",joey,"that’s her! okay, come on!" +stripper,so which one of you lucky boys is chandler?,joey,"uh, that-that’s-that’s me!" +chandler,that’s me.,joey,"joey tribbiani, a big fan." +chandler,that was weird.,joey,why-why would she go in the bedroom? +chandler,so she’s a…,joey,"yeah, that’s one naked hooker!" +chandler,i can’t believe there is a naked hooker in there!,joey,"wait! wait! maybe she’s a hooker and a stripper, but she got confused about what she’s supposed to do." +hooker,"uh, no. but i could pretend to strip, but that’s gonna cost extra. okay, here’s the extras, handcuffs, spanking…",joey,"maybe monica’s playing a joke on ya. y’know? getting her own husband a hooker, that’s pretty funny." +chandler,"that is funny, maybe for my birthday she’ll murder someone.",joey,i bet ross was in on it too. i mean he was conveniently busy. +ross,hey! i did not dump rachel! nor are we still together. can i just… why don’t we just let the machine get that?,joey,hey ross. it’s joey. there’s a hooker over here and we thought maybe you’d know something about it. +stu,"either that or she’s just the best, most expensive date i ever had.",joey,maybe she meant to get you a hooker. +chandler,why would she do that?,joey,"maybe she wants you to learn something. huh? now is there anything you’re really bad at y’know, sexually?" +hooker,what’s taking you boys so long?,joey,in a minute! +chandler,in a minute? what’s gonna happen in a minute?!,joey,"all right, all right maybe-maybe you should just ask her to leave." +chandler,why me?!,joey,hey! it’s your bachelor party. +chandler,which is why you should do it.,joey,i don’t want to. you do it! +chandler,you do it!,joey,you do it! +chandler,"all right rock, paper, scissors who has to tell the whore to leave! what?",joey,i miss this. +chandler,i don’t think we’ve actually done this before!,joey,"no, i-i miss hanging out with you." +chandler,well we…we still hang out.,joey,not like we used to. remember? you and me used to be inseparable. y’know now it’s like…things are different. +chandler,"well y’know, things are different. i’m…i’m married now.",joey,"oh sure—and hey, don’t get me wrong, i am so happy for you guys. i just…i miss…hanging out…just-just us, y’know?" +chandler,"yeah, i miss that too. i tell you what; from now on we’ll make time to hang out with each other.",joey,you got it. come here. +dr. green,…there’s gonna be a wedding! that’s unacceptable rachel! what the hell does love have to do with it anyway?! there are more important things in a marriage other than love! …constantly thinking about things! you have to think about the consequences of your decision.,joey,hey! i do too think about the consequences of my decisions! what gives you the right to… go to hell! stupid guy on my phone. +chandler,"hey, come on, we got the gift, the concert, and the cake.",joey,do we need a cake? +phoebe,its ross.,joey,all right. +rachel,"so uh, what are you guys doing for dinner tonight?",joey,"well i guess i gotta start savin up for rosss birthday, so i guess ill just stay home and eat dust bunnies." +rachel,"do you guys ever get the feeling that um, chandler and those guys just dont get that we dont make as much money as they do?",joey,"yes! yeah, its like theyre always saying lets go here, lets go there. like we can afford to go here and there." +phoebe,"yes, yes, and its, and we always have to go to, you know, someplace nice, you know? god, and its not like we can say anything about it, cause, like this birthday thing, its for ross.",joey,for ross. +rachel,hey.,joey,hi. +monica,"im at work, ordinary day, you know, chop chop chop, sauti, sauti, sauti. all of a sudden, leon, the manager, calls me into his office. it turns out they fired the head lunch chef, and guess who got the job.",joey,"if its not you, this is a horrible story." +monica,"fortunately, it is me. and, they made me head of purchasing, thank you very much. anyway, i just ran into ross and chandler downstairs, and they think we should go out and celebrate. you know, someplace nice.",joey,"yeah, someplace nice. how much do you think i can get for my kidney?" +monica,"oh, wait, and i got a beeper!",joey,cool. +monica,"oh, sorry.",joey,"sorry, sorry." +rachel,"yeah, these are pretty ch-ching.",joey,"what are these, like famous chickens?" +waiter,and for the gentleman?,joey,"yeah, ill have the thai chicken pizza. but, hey, look, if i get it without the nuts and leeks and stuff, is it cheaper?" +ross,"oh, youre right, im sorry.",joey,thank you. +phoebe,"fine. all right, fine.",joey,yeah. +ross,"hello, its us, all right? itll be fine.",joey,"ok, um, uh, we three feel like, that uh, sometimes you guys dont get that uh, we dont have as much money as you." +chandler,"so um, how come you guys havent talked about this before?",joey,"cause its always somethin, you know, like monicas new job, or the whole rosss birthday hoopla." +rachel,ok.,joey,yeah. +rachel,thank you.,joey,thanks. +ross,could you be less enthused?,joey,"look, its a nice gesture, it is. but it just feels like--" +monica,like?,joey,charity. +chandler,"if you guys feel this big, maybe thats not our fault. maybe thats just how you feel.",joey,"oh, now youre tellin us how you feel." +rachel,me neither.,joey,me too. +ross,fine.,joey,fine. +monica,"you know, the guys are probably having a great time.",joey,"come on you guys, one more time." +phoebe,ok. one.,joey,nooo. +chandler,"yeah, we really missed you guys.",joey,"yeah, look, we were just saying, this whole thing is really stupid." +ross,"it wasnt so much a party as...a gathering of people, with food, and music, and, and the band.",joey,you partied with hootie and the blowfish? +chandler,i dont know what to say. im sorry that we make more money than you. but were not gonna feel guilty about it. we work really hard for it.,joey,and we dont work hard? +chandler,im just saying that sometimes we like to do stuff that costs a little more.,joey,and you feel like we hold you back. +waitress,heres your check. thatll be $4.12.,joey,let me get that. you got five bucks? +all,hey.,joey,look at you. since when do you roller blade? +ross,okay.,joey,cool. +monica,"it’s not a date, okay. i’m just gonna teach him how to make lasagne for some pot luck dinner he has.",joey,"well, you might wanna make a little extra, yknow you’ll probably be hungry after the sex." +rachel,hey.,joey,hey. +rachel,do you have any ice?,joey,"check the freezer. if there’s none in there, then we’re probably out. are you just getting in from work? it’s late." +rachel,"yeah, i know. i had the greatest day though, i got to sit in on the meeting with the reps from calvin klien. i told my boss i liked this line of lingerie, she ordered a ton of it. how was your day?",joey,i discovered i’m able to count all of my teeth using just my tongue. +rachel,"hmm. umm, why do you have a copy of the shining in your freezer?",joey,"oh, i was reading it last night, and i got scared, so." +rachel,"but ah, you’re safe from it if it’s in the freezer?",joey,"well, safer. yknow, i mean i never start reading the shining, without making sure we’ve got plenty of room in the freezer, yknow." +rachel,how often do you read it?,joey,haven’t you ever read the same book over and over again? +rachel,"well, umm, i guess i read little women more than once. but i mean that’s a classic, what’s so great about the shining?",joey,"the question should be rach, what is not so great about the" +rachel,"okay. ah, well we’ll just see about that, okay. i will read the shining, and you will read little women.",joey,"all right, you got it." +rachel,all right.,joey,okay. +rachel,okay.,joey,"ah, now rach, these ah, these little women." +rachel,yeah.,joey,"how little are they? i mean, are they like scary little?" +richard,i’ll just throw them out.,joey,these little women. wow! +chandler,"your liking it, huh?",joey,oh yeah! amy just burned jo’s manuscript. i don’t see how he could ever forgive her. +ross,"umm, jo’s a girl, it’s short for josephine.",joey,but jo’s got a crush on laurie. oh. you mean it’s like a girl-girl thing? ‘cause that is the one thing missing from the shining. +chandler,"no, actually laurie’s a boy.",joey,no wonder rachel had to read this so many times. +robert,"oh, no thanks. i always carry one in my sock.",joey,"what are you doing? get back over on your side of the... hello!! hi, i’m joey, we haven’t met." +phoebe,hey.,joey,"hey robert, could you ah, ha, pass me those cookies?" +robert,hey!,joey,hey! how’s it going? +ross,good.,joey,"hey, rach, how you doing with the shining?" +rachel,"oh, danny just went into room 217.",joey,"oooh, the next part’s the best, when that dead lady in the bathtub..." +rachel,"oh, no, meh-nah-nah-nah, come on you’re gonna ruin it!",joey,all right i’ll talk in code. remember when the kid sees those two blanks in the hallway? +chandler,"hmmm, that’s very cool.",joey,"oh, all blank, and no blank, make’s blank a blank blank. oh no-no-no, no, the end when jack almost kills them all with that blank, but then at last second they get away. aww!" +rachel,"all right, okay, laurie proposes to jo, and she says no, even though she’s still in love with him, and then he ends up marring amy.",joey,"hey! mine was by accident! all right, the boiler explodes and destroys the hotel, and kills the dad." +rachel,eh. beth dies.,joey,"beth, beth dies?" +rachel,um-hmm.,joey,is that true? if i keep reading is beth gonna die? +rachel,no. she doesn’t die.,joey,then why would you say that?! +rachel,what?,joey,"beth is really, really sick." +rachel,awwww.,joey,"jo’s there, but i don’t think there’s anything she could do." +rachel,joey?,joey,yeah. +rachel,do you want to put the book in the freezer?,joey,okay. +jay leno,is there any entertainment there? what are people doing?,joey,all right! here we go! 1999! the year of joey! +chandler,were very happy for you.,joey,whats the matter?! +chandler,"we wanted to kiss at midnight, but nobody else is going to so yknow…",joey,"all right, ill take care of it." +ross,73! 72! 71!,joey,"ross! ross! ross, listen! who are you kissing at midnight, huh? rachel or phoebe?" +ross,what?,joey,"well you gotta kiss someone, you cant kiss your sister." +ross,"well, whos gonna kiss my sister.",joey,chandler. +ross,"awww, man! really?",joey,"dude-dude, who would you rather have kiss your sister, me or chandler?" +ross,thats a good point.,joey,yeah. +ross,"oh well, since i have that whole history with rachel, i guess phoebe.",joey,"okay, great!" +ross,all right.,joey,pheebs! pheebs! ross wants to kiss you at midnight! +phoebe,"its so obvious, why doesnt he just ask?",joey,"rach! rach! listen, im gonna kiss you at midnight." +rachel,so?,joey,"so? who would you rather have kiss you, me or chandler?" +rachel,"oh, good point.",joey,yeah! +rachel,"happy new year, joey!",joey,so did that do anything for ya? +chandler,"ill take that bet my friend. and you know what, paying me the 50 bucks could be the new thing you do that day! and it starts right now!",joey,"all right, my new years resolution is to learn how to play the guitar." +phoebe,really?! how come?,joey,"well, yknow those special skills i have listed on my resume? i would love it would be great if one of those was true." +phoebe,do you want me to teach you? im a great teacher.,joey,really? who-who have you taught? +phoebe,"well, i taught me and i love me.",joey,yeah thatd be great! thanks pheebs! +chandler,nice!,joey,"nice!! yeah! is that part of your resolution, your new thing for today?" +chandler,horn-swoggle.,joey,you all right chandler? is there something funny about that name? +chandler,"no. no, i just think that maybe i-id heard it somewhere before.",joey,oh really! where? somewhere funny id bet! +ross,"all right, see you later.",joey,"see ya! all right pheebs, i am ready for my first lesson." +phoebe,"okay. oh no-no-no, you dont touch the guitar! first you learn here, then you learn here.",joey,"umm, okay." +rachel,"i didn’t! even when i found out…umm, all right, well lets just say i found something out something about someone and lets just say shes gonna keep it.",joey,"hey, pheebs! check-check this out." +phoebe,"ooh, you nailed the old lady!",joey,"yeah listen so, i thought i was getting better, so on my way home today i stopped by this guitar store and…" +phoebe,"did you, did you touch any of the guitars while you were there? did you?!",joey,no. +phoebe,give me your hands. strings. gimme it! pick. do you want to learn to play guitar?,joey,yes! +monica,i like em.,joey,yeah! +ross,"okay, seriously, what do you think?",joey,you look like a freak. +monica,no! to take more pictures of all of us together. i mean i really think its the best resolution because everyone will enjoy the pictures.,joey,"well, everyone will enjoy my music as well." +phoebe,"tiger! dragon! iceberg!! joseph, did you even study at all last night?",joey,"yes! yes, i did." +phoebe,then do iceberg!,joey,g-sharp. +phoebe,g-sharp? have you been studying the real names of the chords? have you? oh my god!,joey,what?! i didnt touch a guitar! +phoebe,"no, but youre questioning my method!",joey,"no, im not questioning it, im saying its stupid! what?!" +phoebe,yknow none of my other student thought i was stupid.,joey,"your other student, was you!" +phoebe,"yeah, well, yknow maybe you just need to try a little harder!",joey,"look, maybe i need to try a real teacher! right here! here! andy cooper, he teaches guitar and look ooh, theres a nice picture of him with a little kid and the kids got a guitar!!!!!!" +rachel,arghh!!,joey,hello? +ross,"joey, its ross! i need some help!",joey,"uhh, chandlers not here." +ross,"well, you can help me!",joey,okay. +ross,"listen, im in elizabeths bathroom…",joey,nice! +ross,"no, i-i got really hot in my leather pants so i took them off but they must have shrunk from the-the sweat or-or-or my legs expanded from the heat. look, i-i cant put them back on. i cant!",joey,"oh. that is quite a situation. uh, do you see any like, powder?" +ross,"powder! yeah! yeah, i have powder!",joey,"good-good, okay, sprinkle some of that on your legs, itll absorb some of the moisture and then you can get your pants back up." +ross,"yeah, okay, hold on! theyre not coming on man.",joey,"umm, do you see any—oh, vaseline?" +ross,"ohh, i-i see lotion, i have lotion! will that work?",joey,"yeah, sure, spread some of that on there." +ross,hold on.,joey,ross? you okay? +ross,"theyre still, theyre still not coming on man and the lotion and the powder have made a paste!",joey,"really?! uhh, what color is it?" +ross,what difference does that make?!,joey,"well, im just—if the paste matches the pants, you can make yourself a pair of paste pants and she wont know the difference!" +ross,"dude, what am i gonna…",joey,"uh, rachels here, so good luck man, let me know how it works out." +rachel,"oh, joey, i have such a problem!",joey,"oh well, youre timing couldnt be better. i am putting out fires all over the place." +rachel,"okay. okay. okay. joey, i have got to tell you something!",joey,"what-what is it, what is it?" +rachel,"oh my god, its so huge, but you just have to promise me that you cannot tell anyone.",joey,"oh no, no-no-no-no! i dont want to know!" +rachel,"yes! yes! yes, you do want to know! this is unbelievable!",joey,"i dont care, rach! look, i am tired of being the guy who knows all the secrets but cant tell anyone!" +rachel,what? what secrets? you know secrets? what are they?,joey,and youre not supposed to be gossiping!! +rachel,"i know, i know! i just cant keep this one in, so i pick up the phone…",joey,im not listening to you! +ross,i had a problem.,joey,"hey, pheebs?" +phoebe,"no, i cant talk to you! i dont have a fancy ad in the yellow pages!",joey,"look, pheebs, i just, i wanna apologize for, for saying that your method was stupid and-and maybe ask you to be my teacher again. and-and i promise, i wont touch a guitar until you say im ready. you really think im ready?" +phoebe,uh-huh!,joey,wow! cool! +rachel,that really is something; thats really cool.,joey,howdy partner! +rachel,"hey, uh, joey?",joey,umm? +rachel,remember that big thing i was gonna tell you about?,joey,"oh, no!" +rachel,"im not gonna tell you, but if you found out on your own, that would be okay and then we could talk about it. right?",joey,"well, then it wouldnt be a secret. so yeah, that would be okay. yeah. yeah!" +rachel,"yeah. well. hey uh joe, would mind going over to chandlers bedroom and get that book back that he borrowed from me?",joey,now? you want me to go over there now? +rachel,yeah!,joey,do you know something? +rachel,do you know something?,joey,i might know something. +rachel,i might know something too.,joey,whats the thing you know? +rachel,"oh no, i cant tell you until you tell me what you know.",joey,i cant tell you what i know. +rachel,well then i cant tell you what i know.,joey,"okay, fine." +rachel,"all right, how about i go over there and i will walk into chandlers bedroom and i will see that thing that i think that i know is actually",joey,you know!!!! +rachel,and you know!!!,joey,"yeah, i know!!!!" +rachel,"chandler and monica?!! oh, this is unbelievable!! how long have you known?",joey,"too long! oh my god, rach, ive been dying to talk to someone about this for so long! listen, listen, we cant say anything about this to anybody, theyre so weird about that! listen…" +phoebe,hey! its raining. i dont want to fly in the rain. so…,joey,"oh, i am going to go for a walk in the rain." +ross,"yeah, but not very well, unless 14-across, gershwin musical actually is bitemebitemebitemebiteme.",joey,"i cant believe its christmas already. ya know, i mean, one day your eatin turkey, the next thing ya know, your lords are a-leapin and you geese are a-layin." +phoebe,"well, cause, i mean, what if, what if hes not this great dad guy? i mean, what if, what if hes just still the dirtbag who ran out on my mom and us? you know what? ive already lost a fake dad this week and i dont think im ready to lose a real one.",joey,"uh, listen phoebs, i know youre not goin in there but do you think itd be alright if i went in and used his bathroom? oh, thats fine, never mind. cool, snow, kinda like a blank canvas." +phoebe,"yeah, yeah, no its ok cause, i mean, i know hes there, so, thats enough for now.",joey,"hey, monica, the knob was broken so i just turned it off from underneath, i hope thats alright." +rachel,i hate this apartment! i hate the color of these walls! i hate the fact that this place still smells like bird! i hate that singing guy!,joey,are you kidding? i love that guy! morning’s here! morning is here— +monica,okay.,joey,"see, this is a great apartment." +phoebe,"oh, yeah! you like ‘em? i just, i went to a used clothes store and got a bunch of maternity stuff. these are sooo comfortable!",joey,"uhh, pheebs, those are uh, those are santa pants." +chandler,"uhh, a t-shirt that says, i don’t belong here.",joey,you have knicks tickets? +rachel,yeah.,joey,oh my god! those are almost right on the floor! +rachel,do you guys want these?,joey,yeah! +monica,"yeah, what, do you think we’re stupid?",joey,you’re not stupid. you’re meaner than i thought. +chandler,"no. but uh, joey has, and i usually talk to them in the morning time.",joey,"yeah, you do!" +gunther,good one.,joey,"come on, season tickets! season tickets, do you know what that means?" +chandler,"forget it! okay, i’m not giving up the apartment.",joey,"oh come—look, when i was a kid my dad’s company gave season tickets to the number one salesman every year, all right? my dad never won! of course, he wasn’t in the sales division, but still, i never ever, ever forgot that!" +ross,"hey, guys!",joey,hey! +chandler,oh my god!,joey,we don’t make enough fun of you already? +ross,"i like it, and emily likes it, and that’s what counts. so uh, how are you guys doing?",joey,"oh-no, don’t try and talk all normal with that thing in your ear." +ross,"nothing! there’s nothing to do! i mean, she lives there, i live here. i mean, she-she’d have to uh, move here. she should move here!",joey,what? +chandler,"and i love the milk! but, i’m not gonna some british girl to move in with me! joey, you say things now.",joey,"all right look, ross, he’s right. emily’s great, she’s great! but this way too soon, you’re only gonna scare her!" +ross,i don’t want to do that.,joey,"no! you don’t want to wreck it, you don’t want to go to fast!" +chandler,no thank you.,joey,"wait-wait-wait-wait! come on! come on, let’s trade! the timing’s perfect, i just clogged the toilet!" +chandler,"look, i want those basketball seats as much as you do! okay, but we can’t leave in the small apartment after we’ve lived here! didn’t you ever read flowers for algernon?",joey,"yes! didn’t you ever read sports illustrated?! no! i didn’t read yours! but come on, we can go to the game tonight!" +chandler,"look, the only way i will even consider this is if they offer a lot more than just season seats.",joey,it’s the knicks! +chandler,screw the knicks!,joey,whoa! +chandler,i didn’t mean that. i just meant that the apartment is worth so much more.,joey,huh. +chandler,and the knicks rule all.,joey,"yeah, the knicks rule all!" +rachel,"all right, okay, look, what if you could keep the apartment and get the tickets?",joey,done! +rachel,let me finish.,joey,oh. +rachel,"i’m talking about a bet, winner takes all.",joey,"ooh, we could end up with nothing." +phoebe,or you could end up with everything.,joey,"ooh, i like that." +chandler,"op, op, i’m convinced!",joey,"come on man, you know i’d do it for you! because, you’re my best friend." +chandler,"all right, but you can’t use that again for a whole year. i’m in.",joey,all right! +phoebe,"okay. umm, ooh, ooh—oh, i have a game!",joey,okay! +phoebe,this is great!,joey,what’s the game?! what’s the game?! +phoebe,"all right, joey, same question.",joey,"uhh, they’re tall." +phoebe,"oh, i have cards!",joey,oh. +chandler,that’s a low one!,joey,"yeah! okay. phoebe, you look, i can’t." +phoebe,what make you think i can?!,joey,okay. okay. ace! +monica,because we won our apartment back!,joey,"what? ace is high! jack, queen, king, ace!" +rachel,"all right, cut, let’s pick again, pick again.",joey,okay. +rachel,come on apartment! come on apartment! oh! i know queen is high!,joey,"uh-huh, not as high as… it worked! king!" +monica,"but, we pick again! we pick again!",joey,why?! +chandler,tickets please! that’s courtside baby!,joey,"seriously, good game though. good game. what are they so mad about? they get the apartment back!" +chandler,those were like the best seats ever.,joey,"oh yeah. hey! should we give these shirts to the girls? y’know, kinda like a peace offering." +chandler,"oh. oh, god!",joey,"hey, want a beer? whoa!!!!" +chandler,"well, you’re gonna have to leave sometime, because you both have jobs, and as soon as you do, we’re switching it back! there’s nothing you can do to stop us! right, joe?",joey,i don’t know. +chandler,what?,joey,i don’t want to move again! +chandler,totally worth it!,joey,that was one good minute! +chandler,good night.,joey,good night. +monica,what-what’s going on?,joey,ross has some big thing to tell everyone. +chandler,"oh, well, that’s great!",joey,yeah! yeah! +ross,yeah.,joey,monica and rachel made out. +the singing man,hey! you’re back!,joey,hey! get into gear! +the singing man,i’ll see you tomorrow morning!,joey,okay! +rachel,"listen y’know what sir? for the last time, i don’t care what the computer says, we did not take a bag of mashuga nuts from the mini-bar and we did not watch dr. do-me-a-little!",joey,hey! +phoebe,"oh! joey uh, were you in our room last night?",joey,no. i was told the name of the movie would not appear on the bill! +chandler,what? what did you take a picture of?,joey,nothing! it was something. +monica,"oh thanks. champagne, strawberries…oh my god! i can’t believe chandler ordered porn on our wedding night!",joey,"yeah, that’s sad. mashuga nut?" +phoebe,i don’t. he got…he-he-he-he’s hit by a bus.,joey,hey! +rachel,"hey joey, what would you do if someone that you slept with told you that she was pregnant?",joey,who called here? did she sound blond? huh? did-did-did she have an accent? i gotta make a call! i shoulda never walked into that sunglass hut! +rachel,"oh joey! joey! no, it’s not you! you didn’t get anybody pregnant!",joey,oh. why would you scare me like that? what the hell is going on? is somebody pregnant? +phoebe,oh yeah. that’s me.,joey,oh my god pheebs! you’re gonna have a baby? +phoebe,"yes. yes i am. oh my god, i’m gonna have a baby!",joey,"whoa, wait a minute. who’s the father?" +phoebe,you don’t know him. it’s not important. he wants nothing to do with me or the baby.,joey,well who is this guy?! huh? who is he? ‘cause i will track him down and kick his ass! +phoebe,david lynn.,joey,david lynn! david lynn! david lynn!! +phoebe,"you’re thinking about this way too much. just tell him and get it over with. it’s like, it’s like ripping off this band-aid. quick and painless, watch. oh mother of…see?",joey,ooh-ooh-ooh! are we opening presents? +monica,"no! no! i shouldn’t have even opened these! i mean i—joey i am out of control!! joey, you have to do me a favor. no matter what i say, no matter what i do, please do not let me open another present! okay?",joey,okay. +monica,give me one more.,joey,okay. +phoebe,hey.,joey,"oh good, uh you’re here. uh pheebs? listen uh sit down. i-i got something i want to say." +phoebe,all right.,joey,"umm, now uh… it’s a scary world out there, especially for a single mom. y’know, now i always thought you and i had a special bond so… phoebe buffay, will you marry me?" +monica,phoebe!,joey,why?! why can’t she marry me?! +monica,she’s not pregnant. it’s rachel. rachel’s the one who’s pregnant.,joey,oh my god. +phoebe,it’s joey!,joey,now i can’t believe it! what? rachel’s pregnant? who’s the father? +phoebe,we don’t know.,joey,ohh… i wonder if that dude. +monica,there’s a dude?,joey,yeah. +phoebe,who? who is it?,joey,"about a month ago this guy spent the night with rachel, i didn’t see who it was but…" +phoebe,was that story over?,joey,the guy left this. +monica,i don’t know how any of these got opened?!,joey,you opened them all? +monica,"i know! i know! i am a terrible person! i mean, chandler is never going to trust me with anything ever again!",joey,oh hey! you got my parent’s gift! +monica,yeah. what is that?,joey,"well, i don’t know. i think it does something to salami." +monica,hey! how’d it go?,joey,yeah. what-what did tag say? +rachel,tag is not the father! and joey knows now?,joey,"i do rach. i do, and i so happy for you." +rachel,"no, i will. i’m just not up for it tonight.",joey,"hey rach listen, no matter what this guy says i want you to know you’re not gonna be alone in this." +rachel,i’m not?,joey,"listen i uh… it’s a scary world out there especially if you’re a single mom. y’know, i always felt like you and i have this-this special bond. y’know? so, rachel green will you marry me?" +phoebe,what?!!,joey,"pheebs, give me the ring back!" +rachel,"no! joey, oh you’re so sweet. you’re so-so sweet, honey. but i’m not, i’m not looking for a husband.",joey,i understand. +phoebe,i can’t say that didn’t hurt. but i’ll take you back joey tribbiani.,joey,"uh yeah. pheebs, listen about that. i only offered…" +phoebe,ooh! a salami buddy!,joey,there you go! +monica and phoebe,oh my god!!,joey,oh my god! +ross,he is so weird.,joey,"hey, wouldnt be cool if our duck and chick had a little baby? we could call it chuck." +ross,"no, no, i mean, i mean a thing on my body.",joey,what was it? +ross,well what is it? is it a mole?,joey,"no, its too wrinkly to be a mole." +ross,ahhh.,joey,"yeah, right." +phoebe,"i know, i know! im like playing the field. yknow? like, juggling two guys, im sowing my wild oats. yknow? yknow, this kindve like yknow oat-sowin, field-playin juggler.",joey,"so pheebs, do they know about each other?" +ross,hey guys!,joey,hey. +rachel,hi!,joey,well?! +ross,"well, he said theres definitely nothing to worry about, its totally benign.",joey,well what is it?! +ross,"at least they knew what yours was. yknow, yours had a name.",joey,"oh! maybe theyll name yours after you! yknow, theyll call it, the ross. and then people would be like, awww, hes got a ross." +monica,well thats it. people never say `we need to talk unless its something bad.,joey,"whoa, that doesnt necessarily mean that hes breaking up with you." +monica,really?!,joey,"yeah, maybe he just cheated on you." +chandler,"well, if hes gonna break up with you, maybe joey and i should water his plants. if yknow what i mean.",joey,"or ha-ha, we could go over there and pee on them." +phoebe,uh.,joey,"whoa-whoa-whoa. what ah, what happened to playing the field?" +phoebe,"well, vince is great, yknow `cause, hes like a guy, guy. yknow? hes so burly, hes sooo very burly.",joey,"okay, good, so there you go. go with vince." +phoebe,yeah.,joey,"oh sure, go with the sissy." +phoebe,jason is not a sissy!,joey,"oh no-no-no-no, i meant chandler." +ross,"yes, and the dimmer switch.",joey,"whoa! for a rich guy hes got, thats a pretty small tv." +phoebe,"no! but its the nicest kitchen, the refrigerator told me to have a great day.",joey,look at this! a millionaires checkbook. +all,hey pete.,joey,"hi, how ya doing?" +chandler,"so, what do you thing the good news is?",joey,"wow! look at this! he wrote a check for 50,000 dollars to hugo ligrens ring design. oh, sorry, what do you think the good news is?" +guru saj,"hello, i am guru saj--whoa!! that’s supposed to be a duck right? ‘cause otherwise, this is waaay out of my league.",joey,"yeah, yeah. he’s got a, he’s got a really bad cough, and our vet, he can’t do anything about it. is there something you can do?" +chandler,"yeah, i guess.",joey,hey guys. +ross,it’s my joke.,joey,"whoa-whoa-whoa. jokes? you guys know they have naked chicks in there, right?" +chandler,"dude, you have got to turn on behind the music. the band heart is having a really tough time, and i think they may break up.",joey,let’s go watch it at your place. +chandler,"nah, monica’s watching some cooking show. come on, i don’t want to miss when they were skinny.",joey,"chandler, chandler, y’know what we should do? you and i should go out and get some new sunglasses." +chandler,"what? no, i want to watch this. . did your cable go out?",joey,"no, that’s vh-1. i gotta tell you, the music these kids listen to today . . . it’s like a lotta noise to me. i don’t know…" +chandler,"joey, why is your cable out?",joey,"i uh, oh! because, uh, i haven’t really paid the bill" +chandler,"if you need money, will you please-please just let me loan you some money?",joey,"no, chandler. look, forget about it, okay? look, i know things have been a little tight since janine moved out. oh, was she hot." +chandler,whoa ho.,joey,"i know! yeah, but, look i can handle it. all right? look, i can listen to the radio, huh? and ross gave me this great book ." +chandler,"all right, you want to see if the joke stealer will let us watch the show at his place?",joey,sure. +chandler,paid your phone bill?,joey,not so much. +phoebe,i don’t know. me neither.,joey,you forget how many great songs heart had. +chandler,"so, you heard it, you repeated it, so that must mean you wrote it.",joey,"oh, you guys, with this joke. i gotta say, i know i cracked up, but i’m not even sure i got it." +gunther,here you go.,joey,"ah, gunther, i can’t pay for this right now because i’m not working, so i’ve had to cut down on some luxuries like uh, payin’ for stuff." +gunther,"well, if you want, you can work here.",joey,"uh, i don’t know. ya see, it’s just, see i was a regular on a soap opera y’know? and to go from that to this, i just… plus, i’d have to wait on all my friends." +gunther,"okay, but the money’s good, plus you get to stare at rachel as much as you want.",joey,what?! +gunther,flexible hours.,joey,maybe i could be a waiter. could i use the phone? +monica,it’s coming from the living room.,joey,i finished my book. +gunther,"yeah, that-that chandler cracks me up.",joey,"hey ross, listen, you want anything to drink, ‘cause i’m heading up there." +ross,"uh, yeah, i’ll take a coffee. thanks, man.",joey,sure. coffee? ‘cause i’m going up there. +monica,"no, thank you.",joey,"you guys need anything, ‘cause i’m heading up there." +woman,i’d love an ice water.,joey,you got it. +monica,"joey, what are you doing?",joey,just being friendly. +rachel,"joey, honey, i don’t think you’re supposed to go back there.",joey,"nah, it’s okay. right, gunther?" +gunther,don’t wink at me. and put on your apron.,joey,"okay, but i don’t see you asking any other paying customers to put on aprons." +monica,"joey, do you work here?",joey,no. +customer,"hey, waiter.",joey,yeah? +monica,"joey, what’s going on. what didn’t you tell us you work here?",joey,"it’s kind of embarrassing, y’know. i mean, i was an actor and now i’m a waiter. it’s supposed to go in the other direction." +chandler,so is your apron. you’re wearing it like a cape.,joey,"i mean, the job’s easy and the money’s good, you know? i guess i’m going to be hanging out here anyway. i might as well get paid for it, right? i just feel kind of weird serving you guys." +ross,"yeah, why would it be weird? hey, joey, can i get some coffee?",joey,"okay, i guess it doesn’t seem that weird." +ross,"seriously, i-i asked you before and you still haven’t gotten it.",joey,"see, now it’s weird again." +rachel,"well, you know what? this is great. finally, i have someone i can pass on my wisdom too. let me tell you about a couple of things i learned while working at the coffeehouse. first of all, the customer is always right. a smile goes a long way. and if anyone is ever rude to you? sneeze muffin.",joey,"thanks, rach. look, you guys are just terrific. y’know? now, how about clearing out of here so i can get some new customers. it’s all about turnover." +ross,"joey, seriously, can i get my coffee?",joey,"oh, i’m sorry, ross. i’ll get it for you right now. and since i made you wait, i’ll toss in a free muffin." +phoebe,"oh, i’m flaky. i’ll say anything.",joey,"hey, gunther. can you uh, can you cover for me? i just got an audition." +gunther,"no, i’m leaving to get my hair dyed.",joey,"really?! i like your natural color. come on man, it’s a great part. look, check it out. i’m the lead guy’s best friend and i wait for him in this bar and save his seat. listen-listen. ‘i’m sorry, that seat’s saved.’" +gunther,that’s the whole part?,joey,"okay, maybe he’s not his best friend, but …" +gunther,"okay, i’ll see you in an hour.",joey,"oh, man, i could totally get that part. ‘i’m sorry, that seat is taken.’" +patron,"oh, excuse me.",joey,"no, no, i didn’t mean you. but, you believed me, huh?" +patron,i believed you were saving this seat for someone.,joey,"so, you’d hire me, right?" +patron,for what?,joey,"exactly! all right, everybody, listen up. the coffeehouse is going to be closed for about an hour." +customers,huh? what?,joey,"yeah, it’s for the kids. to keep the kids off drugs. it’s a very important issue in this month’s playboy. i’m sure you all read about it." +chandler,"hey, buddy boy, how’d the audition go?",joey,"not good, no. i didn’t get the part, and i lost my job here, so …" +rachel,how-how did you lose your job here?,joey,"well, i had the audition but gunther said i had to stay here and be in charge so he could go get his hair dyed. so, i went anyway, and then he fired me." +rachel,"he left work in the middle of the day to do a personal errand and left you in charge when you’ve been working here two days? that’s not, that’s not right.",joey,"yeah, what are ya gonna do?" +rachel,"that’s right, he can have his job back. i’m glad we got that all straightened out. there you go, joey, you got your job back.",joey,that’s great. thanks rach. +ross,no way.,joey,i’m not answering that. +chandler,"this is great, another thanksgiving with nothing to give thanks for.",joey,"maybe i could give thanks for you shuttin’ up, eh?" +chandler,maybe i could give thanks by taking my playstation over to my new apartment.,joey,well maybe i love ya’. +janine,are you guys going to chandler’s for thanksgiving?,joey,"yeah! yeah, why? what’s up?" +janine,"no, but you should go to chandler’s. because none of us knows how to cook, we’ll probably just end up drinking all day.",joey,"ye-ye, we go to yours!" +janine,okay.,joey,"how you got three women to marry you, i’ll never know." +all,hey!,joey,"oh, ooh the food smells great, mon!" +ross,and the place looks so nice!,joey,"yeah, hey hey, happy thanksgiving everybody!" +the girls,happy thanksgiving!,joey,"well, this has been great!" +phoebe,and who else is going to be there?,joey,"uh, some of her friends, yeah." +rachel,her dancer friends?,joey,"yes, all right? all of her hot dancer friends are gonna be there and they’re gonna be, be drinkin’ and dancin, and we really wanna go!" +ross,"oh, but-but it is, uh, it’s just like the first thanksgiving, when the indians and the pilgrims uh, sat down to dinner.",joey,"yeah, yeah, and the indians taught the pilgrims what it meant to be hot in the new world!" +chandler,he’s the headliner of a gay burlesque show.,joey,"rach, you’re killin’ us here, will ya serve the dessert already? those drunken dancers are waiting!" +rachel,"the beef? yeah, that was weird to me, too. but then, y’know, i thought “well, there’s mincemeat pie,” i mean that’s an english",joey,y-sure! +ross,"beef in a dessert?! i- no no no, there is no way!",joey,"i know, and only one layer of jam?! what is up with that?" +ross,"oh my god, the pages are stuck together!",joey,chandler! +ross,"oh my god, she-she made half a english trifle, and half a...sheperd’s pie!",joey,oh man! now she’s gonna start all over! we’re never gonna get to introduce the hot girls to the new world! +ross,"no, no, we will. we just won’t tell her she messed up.",joey,just let her serve the beef-custard thing? +ross,"yeah, it’ll be like a funny thanksgiving story!",joey,vomiting stories are funny... +rachel,"joey, god, your apartment is like a hundred degrees!",joey,did-did it make you wanna walk around in your underwear? +rachel,no!,joey,still not hot enough! +phoebe,"monica, leave him alone!",joey,will you hurry up? did you not hear me before when i told you that all of janine’s friends are dancers?! and that they’re going to be drinking alot!? +rachel,"no, i did, but tell me again, because it’s so romantic.",joey,well you’re whippin’ so slow! can’t you do it any faster? +rachel,"so why don’t you just let me worry about making the trifle and you just worry about eating it, alright?",joey,oh i am! +ross,"okay, fine!",joey,ross! can i talk to you for a second? +ross,"oh, uh, can it wait a second joey? i have to tell my parents something. no it can’t? okay.",joey,"okay, look, i think we have to tell rachel she messed up her dessert." +ross,"what?! what is with everybody? it’s thanksgiving, not...truth-day!",joey,"look, when everyone eats that...that...banana-meat thing, they’re all gonna’ make fun of her, do you want that?" +ross,"okay, okay, we’ll just get everyone to act like they like it. that-that way noone makes fun of her and we still get to go to sweet potatoe pie!",joey,"dude, they’re not objects." +ross,"ah well, can’t blame a guy for trying!",joey,"oh and okay, and uh if anyone needs help pretending to like it, i learned something in acting class, try uh, rubbing your stomach or uh, or saying “mmm” and uh, oh oh! and smiling , okay?" +chandler,"yeah, i’m not gonna pay for those acting classes anymore.",joey,"rachel, there you are! come on, let’s serve that dessert already!" +rachel,"joey, you’re gonna have to stop rushing me, you know what? you don’t get any dessert.",joey,really? +ross,it tastes like feet!,joey,i like it. +ross,are you kidding?,joey,what’s not to like? custard? good. jam? good. meat? gooooood. +rachel,i wasn’t supposed to put beef in the trifle!,joey,i wanna gooooooo! +monica,"well actually, i-i didn’t eat mine. it’s still in the bathroom.",joey,"no it isn’t, i ate that." +mrs. geller,well we left ours in monica’s bedroom.,joey,"nope, got it and i got yours too." +chandler,"its not that hard to learn. and as for people realizing you have no idea what youre doing, hey, youre an actor. act like a processor, people will think youre a processor.",joey,"oh yeah yeah. i process. people want the processing, im the one they call." +ryan,"phoebe, i have spent the last eight months in a steel tube with men, thinking about",joey,pretty good. its like you said. its mostly just putting numbers from one column into another column. +phoebe,"yeah, come on. you know you want it, you know you want it too, come on. lets just",joey,"you and milton have to join us on the boat. karenll pack a lunch, youll bring the kids, well make a day of it." +chandler,"its about cutting my people a little slack, ya know, for morale. look, if you wanna see some rough numbers, i can get them to you by wednesday.",joey,"hey, hey, i just figure josephs the kinda guy that likes to mix it up. ya know, get in there, ruffle some feathers." +monica,"you would not. i cant believe this. i hate this, youre too normal. i cant believe my boyfriend doesnt have a thing. my boyfriend doesnt have a thing.",joey,"becasue at first he thought it was joseph. but after he asked joseph about it, turns out it was you. anyway, i just thought you should know." +chandler,"alright, thats it. look joey, im sorry, i realize this is the role of a lifetime for ya, and if i could just fire joseph, i would, but unfortunately thats not possible so im gonna have to let both of you go.",joey,"oh yeah. well you cant fire joseph. you know why, cause hes not in your department." +chandler,"oh well its not me, its my character, chandy. yeah the rogue processor who seduces his co-workers wives for sport and then laughs about it the next day at the water cooler. in fact, i have her panties right there in my drawer.",joey,"its just that, i, im gonna miss joseph. i liked him. his wife, she was hot." +rachel,ooh!,joey,guess what? i finally got that seed out of my teeth. +phoebe,"what? cant you see im in the middle of something? ooh, i like it.",joey,hey guys. +chandler,hey joe! weve got a couple of things weve got to check out at the new house. you want to come with us?,joey,"no, thank you." +chandler,"yeah, come with us. youll see how close it is to the city.",joey,"but no, its not close. you said it was in escrow? i couldnt even find it on the map." +monica,"joey, please come. it would mean so much to us.",joey,"you know what? you are my friends, i wanna be supportive, i will come with you. shotgun!" +phoebe,good for you. that was really mature.,joey,"what? no, the only reason im going to their stupid new house, is so i can point out everything thats wrong with it, so they dont move. im gonna make them stay here." +phoebe,"all right, prude... look, monica and chandler really love this house. you are not gonna talk them into staying here.",joey,"hey, hey... i can convince people to do anything, you know. i bet i can even get mike to do that thing. what is it?" +monica,"ah, so glad you decided to come.",joey,"me too. yeah, this place is great. im so happy for you guys. although, you know, i hope you like fungus." +chandler,what?,joey,fungus! yeah. place is full of it. +monica,no its not. we had an inspection and they didnt find anything.,joey,okay. then i guess i have dry eyes and a scratchy throat for no reason. +monica,maybe because its you hung your head out of the window like a dog the whole ride here.,joey,"maybe. so this is the living room huh? ooh, its pretty dark." +monica,no its not!,joey,are you kiddin? i think i just saw a bat in the corner! +chandler,"when your head was hanging out the window, it didnt hit a mailbox, did it?",joey,"maybe. well, i just think you guys can do better than this house, you know? or any other house for that matter." +monica,"oh joey, look, we know youre having a hard time with this, but we really, we love it here.",joey,"fine, ok, if you love this house so much, then you should just live here, okay? i just hope you get used to that weird humming sound. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..." +monica,"joey, we know thats you.",joey,no... hmmmmm... its not... hmmmmmmmmmm +phoebe,and i love crap.,joey,ow! +girl,who are you?,joey,"oh, hi, im joey. my stupid friends are buying this house. who are you?" +girl,im mackenzie. my stupid parents are selling this house.,joey,oh. +mackenzie,i hate my parents.,joey,"i hate my friends. alright, look. theres gotta be a way that we can stop this from happening." +mackenzie,like what?,joey,"uhm... oh! okay. you come with me, and you tell them that the house is haunted!" +mackenzie,what are you? eight?,joey,"woah, uh! okay, lets hear your great idea." +mackenzie,i dont have any great ideas. i am eight.,joey,"ahh! theres gotta be a way. i mean, you know, if monica and chandler move out here and now phoebe is married to mike. that just leaves me and ross and rach, you know what i mean?" +mackenzie,i really dont.,joey,"what am i gonna do, i feel like im losing my friends." +mackenzie,my parents say im gonna make new friends.,joey,"oh, yeah, sure, easy for you, youre young. me, im set in my ways." +mackenzie,"this is what my mom was talking about. whiners are wieners. look, you want your friends to be happy, right?",joey,"yeah, yeah, i guess." +mackenzie,"well, if moving here is gonna make them happy, dont you want them to do it?",joey,"yeah, maybe." +mackenzie,then you gotta let them go.,joey,"i hate to admit it, but youre probably right. how did you get to be so smart?" +mackenzie,i read a lot.,joey,just when i thought we could be friends. +chandler,"man, those two dogs are going at it!",joey,hey! +monica,"hey, where have you been?",joey,"oh, just er... you know, looking around. but you know what? this house... is great." +chandler,really? what changed your mind?,joey,"oh well, the little girl who lives here made me feel a lot better about the whole thing." +chandler,"joey, there was a little girl who lived here, but she died like 30 years ago.",joey,what? +chandler,ha! im just messing with you.,joey,thats not funny! you know im afraid of little girl ghosts! +monica,"joey, now that youre okay with the house, do you wanna go see your room?",joey,what? i get my own room? +chandler,you dont think wed buy a house and not have a joey room do you?,joey,"oh my god! oh! hey, can i have an aquarium? and a sex swing?" +chandler and monica,no!,joey,why not? ill keep the tank clean. +rachel,the job is in paris.,joey,"i mean, this soap opera is a great gig, but... am i missing opportunities? you know, ive always thought of myself as a serious actor. i mean, should i be trying to do more independent movies?" +mackenzie,i dont know... you know what? im gonna put you on with my bear. hold on.,joey,"hey bear, i need some career advice. the end" +ross,"oh, i wish i knew, but the evaluations are all anonymous.",joey,"oh hey, do you still have their final exams?" +ross,yeah.,joey,"oh, ‘cause you can just match the evaluation to the exam with the same handwriting and boom, there’s your admirer." +ross,"besides, there’s a big age difference.",joey,"oh, well think of it like this, when you’re 90…" +ross,i know when i’m 90 she’ll be like 80 and it won’t seem like such a big difference.,joey,"no that’s not what i was going to say at all. no, what i was going to say is when you’re 90 you’ll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old." +monica,it’s chandler’s way of pretending he didn’t take mime.,joey,"oh well listen, anyway she’s directing the new al pacino movie. you gotta get me an audition!" +chandler,"oh, i don’t know man. i haven’t talked to her in like ten years.",joey,"no-no-no, please-please chandler i-i-i would owe you so much!" +chandler,"you do owe me so much. you owe me three thousand, four hundred…",joey,"hey-hey dude, why are you changing the subject? why? will you make the call or what?" +chandler,"oh okay, i’ll-i’ll try.",joey,"all right! thanks! you’re the best! now listen, the last day of auditions is thursday. okay? so i gotta get in there by thursday. okay? just remember thursday. thursday. can you remember thursday?" +chandler,"yeah so, tuesday?",joey,"thursday! look if you need help remembering think of like this, the third day. all right? monday, one day. tuesday, two day. wednesday, when? huh? what day? thursday! the third day! okay?!" +chandler,thank you.,joey,okay. +chandler,what are you smiling about? what is so funny?,joey,"the part i want to audition for is a fireman, this is so meant to be!" +rachel,my god!,joey,"hey buddy, do you think i can borrow your uniform this thursday?" +monica,joey! he’s working! you would look good in that.,joey,"oh, how bad is it?" +chandler,"god, it’s great to catch up! i can’t believe how long it’s been!",joey,"chandler, is that…" +chandler,oh that’s great! good for you.,joey,hey-hey listen… +chandler,"okay! so yeah, maybe we can get together umm… can you hold for one second please? what?!",joey,"when you’re off the phone, do you wanna get a pizza?" +chandler,"hi! i’m back. yeah, that sounds great. okay. well, we’ll do it then. okay, bye-bye.",joey,"hey listen, so when’s-when’s my audition? i mean i know it’s thursday, but what time?" +chandler,we didn’t get to the audition. i’m gonna take her to coffee and then we’ll do it then.,joey,ah-ha! +monica,"all right, well why don’t i go out with an ex-boyfriend and do joey a favor?!",joey,"hey, you wanna do joey a favor, maybe you go out with joey." +rachel,i have.,joey,this right here is where i keep the pizza. and uh that’s where the napkin is. +phoebe,what’s that smell?,joey,i know! +rachel,oh.,joey,this is where i keep the pizza. and—hey! where did the napkin go?! +phoebe,oh! hello? yeah this is phoebe. really?!,joey,"yeah, so it turns out that it wasn’t the hair straightener that started the fire. no-no, it was the candles. it’s very not good leaving candles unattended. in fact, one of the first things they teach you in fire school is… uhh… uhh… okay. well, i have to go now." +ross,yeah. what-what should i do?,joey,"well ross, it seems pretty clear. i mean what’s more important? what people think or how you feel, huh? ross, you gotta follow your heart." +chandler,hey.,joey,"hey-hey-hey! so, how did it go with dana? any reason i should leave a block of time open say thursday?" +chandler,i couldn’t do it.,joey,you couldn’t do it?! +monica,joey! you didn’t even know her!,joey,ah whatever! +rachel,"oh, joey! sorry!",joey,no that’s all right. don’t worry about it. +rachel,oh but look! that’s gonna leave a stain!,joey,rach! hey! it’s fine! you’re at joey’s! +rachel,really?,joey,yeah! look! +rachel,i’ve never lived like this before.,joey,i know. +rachel,i love it at joey’s!,joey,"hey, here you go." +chandler,"so, you busy thursday?",joey,"oh, very funny. i don’t know if you remember, but my audition was supposed to be thursday. you got me the audition?! let’s hug it up!" +phoebe,"okay, you have to switch with me! monica is driving me crazy!",joey,"that’s right, all the ladies want to stay at joey’s." +phoebe,all right fine! this looks like so much fun.,joey,yeah. +chandler,hey!,joey,hey! +chandler,so?!,joey,so? +chandler,it’s thursday! how was the audition?!,joey,"wh? monday, one day. tuesday, two day. wednesday, when huh what? thurs— oh!" +chandler,hey!,joey,hey! +chandler,hey-hey-hey. so what happened? a forest tick you off?,joey,no. yknow how we’re always saying we need a place for the mail. +chandler,yeah!,joey,"well, i started building one. but then i decided to take it to the next step." +chandler,you’re building a post office?,joey,"no, an entertainment unit, with a mail cubby built right in. it’s a one day job, max." +chandler,okay. my word! those are snug.,joey,"oh yeah. these are my old work pants, sergio valente’s." +chandler,"all right, janice, likes him. in fact she likes him so much she put him on her freebie list.",joey,her what? +chandler,"i know, i know, i just always wondered if i could get her eyes to pop out of her head.",joey,"hey, monica, who would yours be?" +monica,"first, i need a boyfriend, then i can have a list.",joey,"it’s just a game mon. rach, how about you?" +phoebe,joey.,joey,hey-hey! +chandler,"you know, we don’t really take advantage of living in the city.",joey,i know. +chandler,"no, you didn’t get me!! it’s an electric drill, you get me, you kill me!!",joey,"calm down, do you want this unit or not?" +chandler,i do not want this unit!!,joey,"well, you should’ve told me that before, i’m not a mind reader. hey, we’re out of beer. i’m going to monica’s." +monica,hey! where ‘ya headin’ in those pants? 1982?,joey,"oh monica, listen, i ah, i saw down at the hardware store, they got those designer tiles on sale. if you ever want to redo the bathroom floor." +monica,"why, what’s wrong with my bathroom floor?",joey,"nothing. it’s just old and dingy, that’s all." +monica,i highly doubt that.,joey,"oh yeah. if you ah, move your hamper, you see what color the tile used to be. yeah." +monica,i can’t live like this! what are we gonna do? what are we gonna do?,joey,relax. here hold this . this old stuff just comes right off. +monica,that’s a little more than i wanted to see.,joey,"aw! look at that, every inch of this stuff is glued down. it’d take forever to pry this up. you should ah, you should just leave it." +monica,i can’t leave it! you gouged a hole in my dingy floor.,joey,eh! there you go. +chandler,"oh, just this! y’know what it’s my fault really, because the couch is usually where we keep the varnish.",joey,"hey, does somebody wanna hand me one of those tiles." +rachel,"well, it’s about time.",joey,"ooh, very official." +chandler,"okay, on three. one....two....",joey,why don’t we just go on two. +chandler,why two?,joey,because it’s faster. +rachel,oh!,joey,"all right, but in the future..." +chandler,"okay, one...two...",joey,so we are going on two? +chandler,"oh, good job joe.",joey,"wow, it’s big!" +chandler,"yeah-yeah, so big that it actually makes our doors look smaller!",joey,"maybe, my ruler’s wrong." +phoebe,maybe all the rulers are wrong.,joey,"look it’s not that bad. so what, it blocks a little of your door, a little of my door." +chandler,"yeah, yknow what i got a better idea. how-how ‘bout it blocks none of mine door and a lot of yours?",joey,"yeah, listen, before i forget that side is still wet." +ross,we’re just gonna be friends.,joey,yknow what? +chandler,umm?,joey,i bet ‘ya ya i could fit in there. +chandler,i’ve got five bucks says you can’t.,joey,"get out your checkbook, mister." +chandler,"oh, i think i have the cash.",joey,you are dogged man! i totally fit! +chandler,"yeah, you got me. i’m out five big ones! here you go.",joey,"thank you. cha-ching! oh, well hello mr. lincoln. better luck next time buddy. and the drinks are on me!" +phoebe,"yeah, it’s for our catering business!",joey,i think i know that girl. +phoebe,"and also, we don’t know what to do with this.",joey,"oh yeah, i definitely know her." +monica,"all right, were you guys smoking something in the back of our van?",joey,"really. and what do you mean you never have fun anymore? you have fun with me, remember that time we saw those strippers and you paid me 50 bucks to eat that book?" +ross,"joey, you are gonna love this guy. gandolf is like the party wizard!",joey,"well, why do you call him gandolf?" +ross,gandolf the wizard. hello! didn’t you read lord of the rings in high school?,joey,"no, i had sex in high school." +chandler,oh man! i am so excited—i may vomit!,joey,"will you calm down, he’s just a human guy." +chandler,"look you don’t understand, gandolf is amazing. y’know you’re never know what’s gonna end up happening, you go out for a couple of beers and end up on a fishing boat to nova scotia!",joey,really?! +chandler,it’s not gonna be exactly like last time.,joey,"all right, i’ll see you guys." +chandler,whoa-wh-wh-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!,joey,"i have an audition, but i’ll definitely hook up with you later. where are you gonna be around noon?" +ross,somewhere maybe along the equator?,joey,okay. +joanna,"sophie, get in here!",joey,hey! what are you guys doing here? i thought you’d be out partying with gandel-worf. +ross,"it’s gandolf, and he’s not coming.",joey,so you’ve been sittin’ around here all mornin’? +ross,i can’t believe he didn’t come!,joey,so what if he didn’t come! we can still go out and party ourselves! +ross,"yeah! we’d meet, we’d meet total strangers, and hang out with them!",joey,"well, we could do that!" +ross,there’s other stuff too.,joey,"we’ll do it all, and better! look, after tonight, gandolf will want to party with us, dude! come on!" +ross,yeah!,joey,yeah! +ross,yeah!!,joey,yeah!! +ross,it’s not like we don’t know how to party!!,joey,yeah! all right? let’s go! +rachel,i’m an assistant buyer!!,joey,"all right, so we’ll get a little coffee, and get energized, and we’ll head back out." +ross,okay.,joey,"so, we’re having fun, right?" +chandler and ross,yeah.,joey,"we don’t need that wizard guy. we hit a couple of clubs, talked to some strangers, and uh, after this, we’ll head down to the docks and see about that boat thing." +chandler,"actually, me too.",joey,are you serious?! +chandler and ross,yeah.,joey,thank god! i’m exhausted! +gunther,so you guys want coffees?,joey,"yeah, but uh, i don’t want to be up too late, so uh, i’ll have a decaf." +chandler,"actually, can i get some hot water with a little lemon? i think i strained my voice screaming in there. does it have to be so loud?",joey,"i can’t hear a word you’re saying, my ears are ringing so bad." +ross,how sad are we?,joey,"yeah, i know." +joey and ross,yeah!,joey,yeah! and i like to hang out in a quiet place where i can talk to my friends. +ross,"and so what if i like to go home, throw on some kenny g, and take a bath!",joey,"we’re 29, we’re not women." +monica,"umm, i just wanna say, uh that with a pinch of exictement, a dash of hard work, a dollup of cooperation, we can have the recipe... are you gonna kill me?",joey,hey! you guys! you’re not gonna believe this! i just got off the phone with my agent… +phoebe,"oh my god! i’m sorry, too soon. you go.",joey,okay. i got nominated for my part on days of our lives! +monica,congratulations! wow! i can’t believe you’re nominated for an emmy!,joey,no-no. +monica,oh soap opera digest award!,joey,no! i’m up for a soapie! +monica,honey? is that something you’re making up?,joey,"no, no, no! it’s real! and it has been since 1998. hey rach! rach! i’m up for a soapie!" +rachel,oh my god! oh my god!! that is like the third most prestigious soap opera award there is!,joey,"thank you! well, i guess now i know who i’m taking to the awards." +rachel,"oh, stop that! don’t kid about that! will all the stars be there?",joey,many are scheduled to appear. +phoebe,"i did, but that was really fun.",joey,"and the winner is…joey tribbiani! oh… wow! i honestly never expected this. i uh, i didn’t prepare a speech. but umm, i’d like to thank my parents, who’ve always been there for me. i’d also like to thank my friends, chandler, monica, phoebe, rachel…" +rachel,i’m fourth! look at you with your little maple syrup award!,joey,yeah may-maybe you don’t tell anyone about this. +rachel,"what? no! it’s not a big deal! i do that too, with my shampoo bottle.",joey,really? +rachel,yeah.,joey,what award are you practicing for? +rachel,"grammy, best new artist.",joey,"oh, hey listen! the soapie’s called today and i also get to present an award." +rachel,ohh that’s great!,joey,yeah! +rachel,"so you’ll definitely get onstage, even if you don’t win.",joey,what you-you don’t think i’m gonna win? +rachel,"well of course i do! but y’know, favorite returning character is a tough category joey. i mean you’re up against the guy who survived his own cremation.",joey,"yeah. no-no i-i know i might not win, but it’s just…i’ve never even been nominated before! i want it so much." +rachel,"well joey, you’ll probably get it. but you should probably your-your gracious loser face. y’know when like the cameras are on you and you wanna look disappointed but also that your colleague deserved to win. y’know? so it’s sorta like…",joey,hey! +rachel,y’know?,joey,you practice losing the grammies too? +rachel,"oh no, at the grammies i always win.",joey,ah. +ross,can i ask you something? have you ever had a guy have a crush on you?,joey,is that why you wanted to tie my tie? +ross,there’s this kid in my class who said he’s in love with me.,joey,whoa! +rachel,whoa what?,joey,ross has a boyfriend. +rachel,yeah.,joey,how’d you get over that teacher? +rachel,i didn’t. i got under him.,joey,problem solved. +announcer,presenting the award for favorite returning male character is mckensize…,joey,this is it! this is my category. +rachel,i know! my god! do you have your speech?,joey,"yeah, i got my speech!" +rachel,do you got your gracious loser face?,joey,yeah. +rachel,"now joey remember, if you win you have to hug me! you hug me!",joey,okay. can i squeeze your ass? +rachel,on tv?! yeah!,joey,‘kay! +nominees are,"john wheeler from general hospital , gavin grant from the young and the restless , dunkin harrington from passions , and joey tribbiani from days of our lives . and the soapie goes to……gavin grant from the young and the restless!",joey,what the?! +announcer,presenting the award for favorite supporting actress is joey tribbiani from days of our lives.,joey,"any one of the brilliant actresses nominated for this award tonight deserves to take it home. unfortunately only one can. the nominees for best supporting actress are from passions erin goff. from one life to live mary loren bishop , from all my children sarah mchann, and from days of our lives jessica ashley. and the winner is……jessica ashley from days of our lives. uh, unfortunately jessica couldn’t be with us tonight so i’ll be accepting this award on her behalf. and i’m sure that jessica would like to thank my parents who always believed in me. she’d also like to thank my friends, chandler, monica, ross, phoebe, and rachel who’s sittin’ right there!" +rachel,joey! why did we have to rush out of there so fast?!,joey,"rach we had to get out of there because, look what i won!" +rachel,oh my god you stole her award!,joey,"no-no! no, i’m accepting it on her behalf." +rachel,joey i don’t think you know what behalf means.,joey,"sure i do! it’s a verb! as in, i behalfin’ it!" +rachel,"joey, you have got to take this back!",joey,but why?! i should’ve won one and i really want it and she didn’t even care enough to come to the thing! it could also be a grammy. +rachel,no! joey!,joey,come on rach! no one saw me take it! there was a whole table full of ‘em. +rachel,do you really want an award you didn’t win?,joey,"no! i want an award i did win! but nobody’s giving me any of those! plus—hey rach, if-if i put it up there right? when people come over they’ll see it and they’ll think i won it." +rachel,joey is says best supporting actress!,joey,i can scratch that right off. +rachel,"joey no, this is wrong! you have to take it back, okay? you don’t want to win an award this way. you’re very talented. and someday you’re gonna win one of these for real and that one is gonna mean something.",joey,all right! +rachel,all right? thank you.,joey,i’ll take it back tomorrow. +rachel,thank you.,joey,if i can’t have it you can’t have it! +rachel,i cannot believe i’m gonna meet jessica ashley!,joey,okay wait-wait p-please be cool! okay? i work with this woman. +jessica ashley,come in.,joey,hey jessica. +rachel,hey jess.,joey,"ah, this is my friend rachel." +rachel,‘sup?,joey,"uh listen, here’s your soapie. i accepted it for ya." +jessica ashley,oh my god! i won! do you have any idea what this means?!,joey,"well, that-that-that’s it? you’re gonna, you’re gonna put it on your self or anything?" +jessica ashley,"no, i try to save that for real awards. now, if you’ll excuse me.",joey,take it back? +rachel,absolutely.,joey,y-y-yeah! yeah you do. +rachel,how’d it go with pete?!,joey,tell us! +billy,"it’s me, i’ve been sleeping with your wife.",joey,so you’re the gynaecologist? +phoebe,oh.,joey,"and it’s not fake, it’s totally brutal." +ross,"huh, what’s fish hooking... thanks man, that would have been really hard to describe. what is that taste?",joey,"what? my hands are totally clean, i just gave the duck a bath." +monica,"i gotta tell ya, i think it’s okay to be that guy.",joey,"yeah, maybe it’s like yknow, that jock thing. yknow how football players pat each other after touchdowns." +monica,"okay, can we please go eat?",joey,yeah. what are we getting? +ross,"all right so, chandler, from now on, don’t give your boss a chance to get you. yknow just ah, don’t turn your back to him.",joey,"yeah, or you can teach him a lesson. yknow? what you could do is you could rub something that really smells on your butt, all right? then, when he goes to smack ya, his hand will smell. now what could you rub on your butt that would smell bad?" +ross,"ahh, the one next to my foot. sorry.",joey,"hey, the fight’s starting!" +chandler,"nine times! okay, i had to put on lotion! but, it’s gonna be okay, because as of tomorrow i’m conducting an experiment, and if all goes as planned, my butt will be smack free.",joey,fight’s over! +rachel,"oh, i can’t watch this.",joey,"check it out, he’s winning! pete’s winning!" +monica,really?!,joey,no-o-o!! +ross,"oh great! hey-hey joey, do you want to check out pictures of me and mona",joey,"oh uh, ordinarily i would love too, but i am just swamped right now." +mona,"oh yeah, probably at the end. oh my god! he only took",joey,"i’m missin’ picture time?! (jumps over to look, ross glares at" +phoebe,bye.,joey,congratulations! you just got married! +ross,"married couples send out cards, families send out cards, people who have",joey,"hey-hey-hey, hey that’s your wife you’re talking about!" +rachel,"yes. hi, i’d like to order a pizza. okay, can i ask you a question?",joey,who was that? +rachel,it’s just the pizza place.,joey,you hung up on the pizza place? i don’t hang up on your friends. +rachel,"i’m sorry honey, i’m just having a, having a rough day.",joey,"oh, what’s wrong?" +rachel,"oh you really, you really just don’t want to hear about it.",joey,then why did i ask? +rachel,"okay, it’s just—and this is really embarrassing—but",joey,is that college talk for horny? +rachel,"yeah. so y’know, i have all of these feelings and i don’t know",joey,"good, i uh, i saw a pretty big pigeon." +rachel,"well, i gotta get up early and it’s almost seven o’clock.",joey,"yeah, i gotta, i gotta go to my room too." +rachel,"okay, good night!",joey,good night. +rachel,i didn’t ask you to do it!,joey,you’re rachel! +rachel,you’re joey!,joey,you’re my friend! +rachel,right back at ya!,joey,"but plus, it would be wrong and weird and-and-and bad." +rachel,and so bad. i don’t even know what you’re talking about,joey,i know! +rachel,no!,joey,"all right, me neither! i was just testing you!" +rachel,that’s the end of this conversation!,joey,this conversation never happened! +rachel,never happened! good night!,joey,good night! (they both go into their rooms and after a little while rachel pokes her head into the +chandler,hey.,joey,hey! +ross,"so uh, any ideas for the bachelor party yet?",joey,"whoa-whoa-whoa! before you start handing out wedding rings and planning bachelor parties, don’t you have to decide who your best man is gonna be?" +ross,i sort’ve already asked chandler.,joey,what?! he got to do it at your first wedding! +ross,"joey, i figured you’d understand. i mean, i-i’ve known him a lot longer.",joey,"come on ross! look, i-i don’t have any brothers; i’ll never get to be a best man!" +chandler,you can be the best man when i get married.,joey,i’ll never get to be a best man! +chandler,"oh no-no-no, you—yeah, of course you get to be my best man.",joey,what about me?! you-you just said i could! +chandler,"i’m not even getting married! okay, this is a question for science fiction writers!",joey,i can’t believe you’re not picking me. +ross,"fine, y’know what, that’s it. from now on, joey, i want you to be my best man.",joey,yes! shame about you man. +phoebe,"it’s not kicking me, it’s kicking one of the other babies. oh ! don’t make me come in there!",joey,hey! +monica,hey!,joey,do you guys have like a big bowl i can borrow? +monica,"yeah, there’s one right under the cabinet.",joey,thanks. +monica,why do you need it?,joey,"oh, we’re having a big party tomorrow night. later!" +rachel,"whoa! hey-hey, you planning on inviting us?",joey,"nooo, later." +monica,"what phoebe meant to say was umm, how come you’re having a party and we’re not invited?",joey,"oh, it’s ross’s bachelor party." +monica,sooo?,joey,are you bachelors? +monica,nooo!,joey,are you strippers? +rachel,nooo!,joey,then you’re not invited. +rachel,all right fine! you’re not invited to the party we’re gonna have either.,joey,"oh-whoa, what party?" +monica,the baby shower for phoebe!,joey,baby shower. wow! that sounds sooo like something i don’t want to do! later! +phoebe,i can’t believe i’m gonna have a party! this is so great! a party! yay!! i don’t know why.,joey,"this is what i’ve got going for the party so far, liquor wise. get a lot of liquor." +ross,great. great.,joey,"okay, now uh, in terms of the invite list, i’ve got you, me, and chandler and i’m gonna invite gunther ‘cause, well, we’ve been talking about this pretty loud." +gunther,i’ll be there.,joey,"all right—oh! listen, i know this is your party, but i’d really like to the number of museum geeks that are gonna be there." +ross,"yeah. tell ya what, let’s not invite any of the anthropologists, only the dinosaur dudes!",joey,okay! we’ll need a six-pack of zima. +ross,"look, i gotta go pick up ben. everything so far sounds great joey, just remember to keep it on the mellow side, okay? just a couple of guys hanging out playing poker, no-no strippers or anything okay?",joey,you got it. +chandler,see ya. have fun planning your mellow bachelor party.,joey,"well, there’s gonna be strippers there. he didn’t say anything about no strippers." +chandler,"he just said, no strippers.",joey,"oh, i chose not to hear that." +ross,"hey listen man, about the stripper…",joey,yeah? +gunther,thanks for not marrying rachel.,joey,"oh-whoa-wait, gunther don’t-don’t forget your shirt." +ross,"hey-hey, what are those?",joey,"oh, little party favours, check it out!" +ross,wow! yeah!,joey,oh-oh! +ross,"smooth man. yeah, you got some chilie on your neck. well, i just want to say, thanks everyone, this-this was great. and hey! see you guys monday morning. thanks joey.",joey,"oh, hey, don’t forget your shirt." +ross,"oh, thanks!",joey,"okay, hey, museum geeks, party’s over. okay. wave bye-bye to the nice lady. there you go. back to your parent’s basement. all right. come on boys, come on out! here you go. all right." +the stripper,"ohhh, look at the little birdies! are those yours?",joey,yeah! +the stripper,"wow, i didn’t know they let you keep chickens and ducks as pets.",joey,oh yeah-yeah. and i got the duck totally trained. watch this. stare at the wall. hardly move. be white. +the stripper,"you are really good at that. so uh, i had fun tonight, you throw one hell of a party.",joey,"oh thanks. thanks. it was great meetin’ ya. and listen if any of my friends gets married, or have a birthday, or a tuesday…" +the stripper,"yeah, that would be great. so i guess umm, good night.",joey,"oh unless you uh, you wanna hang around." +the stripper,yeah?,joey,yeah. i’ll let you play with my duck. +chandler,what?,joey,the ring is gone! +chandler,"ugh. just a sec, give me a minute to wake up for this—ah-ha-ha!! you lost the ring! you’re the worst best man ever!",joey,"dude, this isn’t funny! what am i gonna do?! i go to bed last night, everything’s cool! i wake up this morning, the stripper’s gone and the ring is gone!" +chandler,you slept with the stripper?,joey,of course!! +phoebe,"alrighty, here come the water works.",joey,"ugh! i don’t know what i’m going to do! i called the company that sent and th-they don’t care! then i called 9-1-1 and they laughed at me, if this isn’t an emergency, then what is?" +chandler,hey!,joey,hey… +ross,"i just wanted to thank you again for last night, what a great party! and the guys from work had a blast. y’know, one of them had never been to a bachelor party before. yeah! and-and another one had never been to a party before, so…",joey,"so uh, hey, that uh, that wedding ring, huh? man, that’s nice!" +ross,"yeah, right!",joey,"i was uh, i was thinking i might want to pick one of those babies up for myself, i might want to get one of those…" +chandler,"so you might say, it’s a magic ring.",joey,"yeah, the stripper stole it." +ross,"all right-all right, fine! i-i’m gonna call the cops!",joey,"dude, i screwed up, you don’t have to turn me in!" +ross,not on you! on the stripper!,joey,"oh, yeah, well i already did that! they said they’re gonna look into it right after they solved all the murders." +ross,"okay, well, we’ll call the company that sent her!",joey,"i did that too! they wouldn’t give me her real name or her number. they said, if i bothered them again they’d call the police. i said, if you talk to the police, you tell them i’m missing a ring!" +ross,"so what, joey? wh-wh-what? what are you telling me? that there’s nothing we can do? well, how could this happen?!",joey,"look ross, i am so-so sorry. i-i-i…" +chandler,"well, what if we just ah, called her, used a fake name, and had her come to my office?",joey,"oh, that sounds like fun, but we’ve got a ring to find!!" +rachel,i don’t know!,joey,"all right, okay, this is great, uh, chandler, you get behind the desk. and-and when she comes in hopefully, she won’t recognise you because, well, why would she? uh, okay, and then you buzz ross and i. you be mr. gonzalez, and i’ll be uh, mr. wong." +the stripper,what’s he talking about?,joey,"there was a ring, in a box, on my nightstand, after you left, it was gone!" +chandler,marry me.,joey,"i don’t get it! it was in my room all night! and if she didn’t take it, and i didn’t take it; and you didn’t take it, then who did? shh! we’re trying to think!" +phoebe,"got cha again, you guys are so easy.",joey,if anything should happen to him… +ross,joey! the vet said it’s a simple procedure.,joey,so! things can go wrong! you don’t know! what if he doesn’t make it?! +chandler,"he will, joe.",joey,"yeah, but what if he doesn’t? he’s such a good duck." +ross,oh my god! thank you! thank you so much!,joey,h-h-h-how’s the duck? +the doctor,"he’s doing just fine, he’s resting now, but you can see him in a little bit.",joey,"ohh, great! oh hey, listen ross, thanks for being so cool about this." +ross,"no, that’s all right.",joey,"no, it’s not. i mean you-you made me your best man and i totally let you down!" +chandler,"hey, come on, it’s not your fault.",joey,"yeah, it is! you wouldn’t have lost the ring, right? y’know what, ross you were right from the start, he should be your best man." +chandler,"no, you should.",joey,"now, don’t argue with me…" +chandler,really?,joey,really? +chandler,thanks man.,joey,i gotta go check something over here.