questioner,question,chandler,answer
monica,"chandler, we still haven’t gotten an rsvp from your dad.",chandler,"oh! right. umm, maybe that’s because i didn’t send him an invitation."
monica,chandler! he’s your father; he should be at the wedding.,chandler,i don’t even know the man. okay? we’re not the close. i haven’t seen him in years.
monica,well what are you gonna do when he finds out he wasn’t even asked?!,chandler,"well he doesn’t have to know! it’s not like we run in the same circles. i hang out with you guys, and he stars in a drag show in vegas."
phoebe,"ooh, i think i wanna trade circles.",chandler,"trust me, you don’t want him there either. okay? nobody is gonna be staring at the bride when the father of the groom is wearing a back-less dress."
monica,here!,chandler,what’s this?
monica,it’s your suitcase. we’re going to las vegas.,chandler,are you serious?! i mean like eloping?! no more stupid wedding stuff?! no more these flowers or these flowers or these flowers—think of the money we’ll save!!  we’re not eloping. i love the flowers. can our wedding be bigger please?
monica,"we’re going to las vegas to see your dad. it’s time you two talked, and i want to get to know my father-in-law.",chandler,y’know we already went over this and i won!
monica,"no you didn’t. oh and honey just so you know, now that you’re marrying me, you don’t get to win anymore.",chandler,look forget it okay? i don’t want to go. i don’t want to see him. i don’t wanna.
monica,"chandler, look i-i know that your dad embarrassed you. i know…",chandler,"no-no all kids are embarrassed by their parents, you’d have to come up with a whole new word for what i went through. when i was in high school, he used to come to all of my swim meets dressed as a different hollywood starlet. y’know it’s hard enough to be fourteen. you’re skinny. you’re wearing speedoes—that your mom promised that you would grow into! and you look up into the stands and there’s your dad cheering you on dressed as carmen miranda. we was wearing a headdress with real fruit that he will later hand out to your friends as a healthy snack!"
monica,"hey, the point is that he was at everyone of your swim meets and he was there cheering you on! okay? that’s a, that’s a pretty great dad.",chandler,he had sex with mr. girabaldi!
monica,who’s mr. girabaldi?,chandler,does it matter?!
monica,"chandler, you’re not fourteen anymore. okay? maybe it’s time that you let that stuff go. if your father’s not at your wedding…you’re gonna regret it for the rest of your life.",chandler,"yeah o-okay, but i’m just doing this for you."
monica,yes!,chandler,so i really never get to win anymore?
waiter in drag,hm-mmm?,chandler,"yeah, i just ordered a beer!"
monica,i still say that if we had called your dad we coulda gotten better seats.,chandler,no! no! i don’t want him to know we’re yet! i’m not sure i’m ready for that. and besides he’s not gonna be too happy to see me either.
monica,why not?!,chandler,"i don’t know if i’ve told you this, but he’s kinda tried to get in contact with me a lot over the last few years"
monica,what?!,chandler,"yeah, he’s made phone calls, written letters, he even came to new york, but i always said i was too busy to see him. y’know it’s all very cats in the cradle—i don’t want to get into it.  here we go."
helena,hello darlings.,chandler,and there’s daddy!
monica,that can’t be your father.,chandler,"believe me, i’ve been saying that for years. oh my god!"
monica,what?,chandler,that’s mr. girabaldi playing the piano.
helena,for i’m loved by a pretty wonderful boy!  hello! and welcome to the show. i see some of our regulars in the audience. and a couple of irregulars.,chandler,he’s coming into the audience. he’s coming into the audience.
helena,no-no i heard! i’m just sorry.,chandler,it can’t happen like this. okay? i’ll meet you back at the hotel.
helena,so what’s your name?,chandler,chandler.
helena,chandler? what an unusual name! you must’ve had terribly fascinating parents.,chandler,"oh, they’re a hoot."
helena,"i’m not very fond of new york. queens i like.  ooh, what is this sparkle something!  honey! huh?",chandler,actually monica and i are engaged.
helena,"i see. well, i wish you both a lifetime of happiness.  so you’re bald?",chandler,wait! wait! we’d really love it if you could be there.
helena,we?,chandler,"i know it would make me happy, ma’am."
monica,you okay?,chandler,yeah. thanks for making me do this.
the chorus line,amen!,chandler,when i was growing up i…played the one on the far left.
ross,hey! so whats the big news you had us rush all the way over here for?,chandler,"okay, our news. my company has asked me to head up our office in tulsa , so as of monday im being officially relocated."
joey,how long do you have to go for?,chandler,they said it could be up to a year.
monica,i kind of have to dont i? because of this stupid thing,chandler,"there is nothing like the support of your loving wife, huh?"
joey,"wait a minute, you cant go to tulsa. maybe you forgot, but weve got tickets to the jets game next week.",chandler,"im sorry buddy, but i dont think im gonna be able to make it."
ross,"you cant go, i mean youre the glue that holds this group together!",chandler,really?
phoebe,"yeah... all right, well that rules out lana titweiller",chandler,hey!
monica,hey!,chandler,ive got good news!
monica,you got out of the whole tulsa thing?,chandler,"okay, i have news. you dont have to move to tulsa. you can stay here and keep your job."
monica,so youre gonna be gone four days a week?  no.,chandler,"im sorry, are you just used to saying that?"
monica,no. i cant be away from you for that long.,chandler,really?
monica,"yeah, youre my husband. im not gonna live in a different state than you for 208 days out of the year.",chandler,thats fast math! we could use you in tulsa.
monica,"honey, thanks for trying to figure out a way, but if youre going to tulsa, i wanna go with you.",chandler,"hey, you said that without gagging!"
monica,excuse me?,chandler,i know what shes talking about.
monica,"oh, maybe he was getting him confused with his childhood therapist.",chandler,he saw a therapist?
monica,hey!,chandler,hey!
monica,what are you doing?,chandler,looking for restaurant jobs for you in tulsa.
monica,thats so sweet. find anything?,chandler,slim pickings.
monica,"nothing, huh?",chandler,"no, slim pickings, its a barbecue restaurant. theyre looking for a cook. actually cook may be a bit of a stretch. theyre looking for someone to shovel mesquite."
monica,slim pickings...that is so cheesy.,chandler,so cheesy also has an opening.
monica,"honey, thats okay. i actually know this woman, nancy, whos a restaurant biz head-hunter. maybe shell know of something.",chandler,can i just say how much i appreciate you coming with me. when we get to tulsa im taking you for a great dinner at slim pickings. so cheesy? whole hog? its going to be tough to keep kosher in tulsa.
joey,good night!,chandler,"honey, were leaving tomorrow youve still got a lot of packing to do."
monica,youre right.  maybe i shouldnt go.,chandler,what?
monica,"so nancy told me about this job at this great restaurant, javo . its just a little outside of tulsa.",chandler,how far outside?
monica,manhattan.,chandler,"and youre thinking of taking it?  so before you said being me with me was more important than any job, but i guess now its old job,  me,  new job."
monica,"im gonna miss this hand! okay i know its a lot to ask, but oh my god chandler, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.",chandler,what happened to you cant live without me four days a week?
monica,"well, if you really think about it, i mean four days is not that long. i mean, i see you monday before you go to work, and i see you thursday when you get back, and i always work late on tuesdays, so really if you think about it, its really just one day. and well, if we cant make it one day, weve got real problems my friend.",chandler,i think you should take the job.
monica,really?,chandler,yeah. i know it must be important to you when you start chattering like a monkey.
ross,hes a brilliant diagnostician!,chandler,diagnostician or boo-boo fixer?
ross,"why? why? i know its a little weird, but hey, hes a great doctor, okay? he knows my medical history, and every time i go in there, he makes a big deal. ah look, its my favorite patient!",chandler,does he say that before he sticks his thermometer in your touchy?
ross,"hey, i seem to remember someone bringing his security blanket to college!",chandler,that was not a security blanket! that was a wall-hanging!
ross,i got held up at dr. gettlemans office. there was some guy that freaked everybody out.,chandler,"well, you got here just in time. i really have to go buddy."
monica,promise to call me when you land.,chandler,of course i will call you. i love you.
phoebe,bye chandler.,chandler,awww.  bye!
rachel,bye honey.,chandler,whats the matter joe?
joey,im mad at you for leaving! youre nothing but a big leaver. big leaver with a stupid suitcase.,chandler,any chance you are trying to pick a fight to make all this easier?
joey,"dude, you see right thru me!!",chandler,"well, bye mon, bye ross, rachel, bye emma!"
monica,"chandler, wait. it goes: old job,  new job,  you. this is just something i have to do.",chandler,i know.
monica,i love you so much.,chandler,i know that too.
monica,hi!,chandler,hi!
joey,monica? what time is it?,chandler,"uhh, 9."
monica,im really getting tired of sneaking around.,chandler,"i know, me too. hey! yknow what if we went away for a whole weekend? yknow wed have no interruptions and we could be naked the entire time."
monica,all weekend? thats a whole lotta naked.,chandler,"yeah, i can say that i have a conference and you can say you have a chef thing."
monica,"ohh, ive always wanted to go to this culinary fair that they have in jersey!",chandler,"okay, yknow your not though. lets go."
monica,"oh now that-that-thats funny, it seems like chandlers conference couldve been in connecticut or vermont.",chandler,im not in charge of where the conference is held. do you want people to think its a fake conference? its a real conference.
ross,damn!,chandler,whats going on?
joey,hi!,chandler,"uh, hey!"
rachel,whats going on?,chandler,were flipping monicas mattress.
rachel,"oh okay, hey guys, would you flip mine too?",chandler,"aww, man!"
phoebe,can you hear anything?,chandler,"oh yes, somebody just said, can you hear anything?"
phoebe,"ooh, madlibs, mine!",chandler,condoms?
joey,you dont know how long were gonna be in here! we may have to repopulate the earth.,chandler,and condoms are the way to do that?
phoebe,"i know its le poo right now, but itll get better.",chandler,i cant believe it! were here!
monica,"ooh, chocolates on the pillows! i love that!",chandler,"oh, you should live with joey, roll-os everywhere."
monica,"come here.  okay, be right back.",chandler,"oh yes! monica, get in here! theres a high-speed car chase on!"
monica,were switching rooms.,chandler,"oh dear god, they gave us glasses!"
monica,"no, they gave us glasses with lipstick on them! i mean, if they didnt change the glasses, who knows what else they didnt change.  come on sweetie, i just want this weekend to be perfect, i mean we can change rooms, cant we?",chandler,"okay, but lets do it now though, because chopper 5 just lost its feed!"
hotel clerk,i think youll find this room more to your liking.,chandler,"okay, great."
hotel clerk,they say hes only got half a tank left.,chandler,half a tank? we still got a lot of high-speed chasing to do!
monica,were switching rooms again.,chandler,what? why?
monica,"excuse me, umm, can i talk to you over here for just a second?",chandler,uh-huh.
monica,chandler!,chandler,yeah.
monica,"look, these clowns are trying to take us for a ride and im not gonna let em! and were not a couple of suckers!",chandler,"i hear ya, mugsy! but look, all these rooms are fine okay? can you just pick one so i can watch--have a perfect, magical weekend together with you."
monica,"okay, this one i like!",chandler,nothing! its over! dammit! this is regularly scheduled programming!
monica,can we turn the tv off? okay? do we really want to spend the entire weekend like this?,chandler,"oh, im sorry, am i getting in the way of all the room switching fun?"
monica,"hey, dont blame me for wigging tonight!",chandler,"oh, who should i blame? the nice bell man who had to drag out luggage to 10 different rooms?"
monica,"i dont know, how about the idiot who thought he could drive from albany to canada on a half a tank of gas!",chandler,do not speak ill of the dead.
monica,"were supposed to uh, be spending a romantic weekend together, it-it, what is the matter with you?",chandler,"i just want to watch a little television. what is the big deal? geez, relax mom."
monica,what did you say?,chandler,"i said, geez, relax monnnnn."
rachel,"yeah, well thats how mad i am!!",chandler,damn rollos!
joey,"hey, youre back!",chandler,hey.
joey,how was your conference?,chandler,"it was terrible. i fought with  my colleagues yknow, the entire time. are you kidding with this?"
joey,"oh, so your weekend was a total bust?",chandler,"uh, no, i got to see donald trump waiting for an elevator."
monica,"oh, it was awful.  i guess some people just dont appreciate really good food.",chandler,"well, maybe it was the kind of food that tasted good at first but then made everybody vomit and have diarrhea."
monica,chandler!,chandler,monica.
monica,"okay, id like to know how much the room was because id like to pay my half.",chandler,"okay, fine, $300."
monica,300 dollars?!,chandler,"yeah, just think of it as $25 per room!"
joey,"hi, rach.",chandler,hi!
phoebe,oh no! not that guy! he does look like him though.,chandler,"okay, ross is in the bathroom."
joey,who cares? youre rachel!  whos kip?,chandler,"kip, my old roommate, yknow we all used to hang out together."
rachel,"honey, come on! you live far away! youre not related. you lift right out.",chandler,hey!
joey,"hey, mr. bing. that uh, hotel you stayed at called. said someone left an eyelash curler in your room.",chandler,yes that was mine.
joey,cause i figured youd hooked up with some girl and shed left it there.,chandler,yes that would have made more sense.
joey,"hey, rach? sorry to interrupt but umm, phoebe wanted me to talk to you about a trip or something.",chandler,hey!
monica,hi.,chandler,"i just came over to drop off…nothing. so that weekend kinda sucked, huh?"
monica,"yeah, it did.",chandler,"so, i guess this is over."
monica,what?,chandler,"well, yknow, you and me, it had to end sometime."
monica,"why, exactly?",chandler,"because of the weekend, we had a fight."
monica,chandler thats crazy! if you give up every time youd have a fight with someone youd never be with anyone longer than—ohhh!,chandler,"so, this isnt over?"
monica,"you are so cute! no. no, it was a fight. you deal with it and move on! its nothing to freak out about.",chandler,really? okay. great!
monica,"ohh, welcome to an adult relationship!",chandler,were in a relationship?
monica,im afraid so.,chandler,okay.
joey,oh! ohh! oh!!,chandler,"joey, can i talk to you for a second?"
joey,ohhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!,chandler,yes. yes.
joey,how?! when?!,chandler,it happened in london.
joey,in london!!!,chandler,the reason we didnt tell anyone was because we didnt want to make a big deal out of it.
joey,but it is a big deal!! i have to tell someone!,chandler,no-no-no-no-no! you cant!
joey,i guess im done.,chandler,funs over!
ross,"hey, what’s going on?",chandler,hey.
ross,what’s up?,chandler,monica and i are engaged.
ross,oh my god.  congratulations.,chandler,thanks.
monica,"i’m getting married!!!! i’m gonna be a bride!!!!  no, i will not shut up because i’m engaged!  ohh, big talk! huh, why don’t you come over here and say that to me?! huh, buddy?! yeah, my fiancee will kick your ass!  come on, apartment 20! apartment 20!",chandler,"okay, you get her in here.  you bolt the door. i’ll be in the closet."
monica,"okay! wait-wait-wait! shhh!  okay, umm, i just wanna say that…i love you guys so-so much and-and thank you for being here on my special night.  our special night. i mean it just wouldn’t be my—our-our night, if you all weren’t here to celebrate with me—us—damnit!",chandler,"it’s okay, i want this to be your night too. to monica."
monica,"awww, come on—wait—stop it. okay, to monica.",chandler,to monica!
joey,"but i-i-i can’t stay too long, i gotta get up early for a commercial audition tomorrow and i gotta look good. i’m supposed to be playing a 19-year-old.  what?",chandler,"so when you said, get up early, did you mean 1986?"
rachel,okay.,chandler,okay.
monica,y’know what shoes would look great with this ring? diamond shoes!  you’re not getting dressed.,chandler,know what i mean?
monica,"yeah, but i don’t think we have time.",chandler,there’s gonna be a wedding. you’re gonna be the bride. two hundred people are going to be looking at you in a clean white dress.
monica,"chandler! it happens to lots of guys! you-you-you were probably tired, you had a lot of champagne, don’t worry about it!",chandler,"i’m not worried, i’m uh, i’m fascinated. y’know it’s like uh, biology! which is funny because in high school i uh, i-i failed biology and tonight biology failed me."
phoebe,"if you would’ve let me finish, it goes on to say that he’s probably not gay.",chandler,"sure, you guys don’t have this problem, you’re made of wood.  hey!"
rachel,hey!,chandler,you look great!
rachel,"oh, thanks.",chandler,you okay over there?
rachel,"i don’t know, y’know? i feel a little umm… no, y’know what? nevermind, i’m gonna be fine.",chandler,"oh, don’t worry about it i mean you probably were tired, you had a lot of champagne, it happens to everybody."
joey,‘sup? ‘sup dude?,chandler,"take whatever you want, just please don’t hurt me."
joey,"so you’re playing a little playstation, huh? that’s whack! playstation is whack! ‘sup with the whack playstation, ‘sup?! huh? come on, am i 19 or what?!",chandler,"yes, on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely 19."
joey,"come on man, really how old?!",chandler,"young! you’re a man-child okay?! now go get changed because everybody’s ready and please, oh please, keep my underwear!"
joey,wow thanks!,chandler,joe?
joey,yeah!,chandler,"uhh, you’ve had a lot of sex right?"
joey,"when? today? some, not a lot.",chandler,"well, it’s just the reason that i’m asking is because i kind of eh, uh, i was unable to—i mean i really wanted too, but i couldn’t…. there huh—hmm, there-there was an incident."
joey,"don’t worry about that man, that happens.",chandler,it’s happened to you?
joey,yeah! once.,chandler,"well, what’d you do?"
joey,oh my god! i cannot believe you guys are talking about this! the problems in the bedroom are between the man and the woman!!! all right?!! now chandler is doing the best he can!!,chandler,i don’t think that’s what they were talking about joe!!
joey,what?,chandler,what?!
joey,"you got it. okay. now, i can pass for 19 right?!",chandler,"yes, you can pass for 19."
joey,really?,chandler,yes!
joey,seriously?,chandler,"seriously? seriously, no! you can play your own age which is 31!"
monica,"i can’t believe her, y’know it’s just—it’s so typical.",chandler,"now monica, i know you’re upset, but don’t forget. there is going to be a wedding, you are going to throw the bouquet, and then there’s going to be a honeymoon, maybe in paris."
monica,paris?,chandler,we will take a moonlit walk on the rue de la .
monica,keep talking.,chandler,"then we will sprinkle rose pedals on the bed and make love. not just because it’s romantic, but because i can!"
monica,"bonjour, monsieur.",chandler,"okay, don’t say anything, you might scare it away."
phoebe,"y’know, just some good faith money to hold the date.",chandler,"pheebs, we’re not giving you a deposit for our wedding!"
phoebe,maybe just 10 minutes for you.,chandler,"oh, give her the deposit! give her the ring! i don’t care!"
rachel,"monica, what did you mean before when you said you didn’t want to talk to anyone, especially me?",chandler,"what a great apology!  and you accept! okay, bye-bye!"
monica,"my sweet sixteen! remember, you went to third base with my cousin charlie.",chandler,"ahh, third base."
ross,"uh, rachel, i’ve been thinking. i don’t think us getting together tonight is such a good idea. i’m calling it off.",chandler,why to save your dignity my man.
monica,i can’t believe you’re gonna have sex on my engagement night!!,chandler,"well, somebody should."
monica,"i just wanted to say that i hope you do have sex tonight and i hope that you guys get back together, but i must warn you, the night that you announce your engagement i’m going to announce that i’m pregnant!",chandler,how is that ever going to happen?!
rachel,"look, i am so…so happy for you guys, but you getting married just reminds me of the fact that i’m not. i’m not even close. and i don’t know, maybe i just wanted to make myself feel better. and i know that that’s dumb, but oh my god you were so depressed when ross got married that you slept with chandler!",chandler,"i don’t care, she slept with me."
ross,"well, i’m going to take off.  congratulations man.",chandler,thanks.
ross,"what can i say, you missed your chance. from now on the only person who’s going to enjoy these bad boys  is me.  ending credits",chandler,"hey! here’s a dollar, consider it a deposit. please sing at our wedding."
phoebe,oh thank you.,chandler,okay.
monica,"well, we-we had to go back because i forget my jacket.",chandler,thats right.
phoebe,im having my first contraction!,chandler,oh no.
phoebe,"ooh, its not bad.",chandler,okay.
joey,"oh!  and so the miracle of life begins, and aaiiyyyeeee!",chandler,hey! you okay?
dr. harad,"hi! phoebe, im dr. harad, im going to be delivering your babies. i want you to know, youre gonna be in good hands. ive been doing this for a long time. ill be back in a minute to do your internal, in the meantime, just relax because everything here looks great. and also, i love fonzie.",chandler,"did he just say, he loves fonzie?"
monica,thats what it sounded like.,chandler,all right…
frank,"uh, delaware. shes on her way though, so until she gets here, im gonna be your coach. but dont worry, she told me all about the la-mazada stuff.",chandler,"yeah, thats when if you get the babies out by the end of the month, they give you 2% financing."
joey,"oh, a couple of nurses asked them out. maybe theyre with them.",chandler,really? male nurses?
joey,"yeah, i was bummed too.",chandler,so theyre going on dates? when?
dr. harad,"lets see what we got here. ohh, yknow, fonzie dated triplets.",chandler,"this-this fonzie person you keep referring too, is that uh, is that another doctor?"
dr. harad,oh no-no-no. fonzie is the nickname of arthur fonzerelli. the fonz.,chandler,all right.
ross,"again, its not that he…",chandler,oh-hey-hey-hey! there you are!
monica,"umm, listen theres something i think you should know.",chandler,"oh, is this about you-you dating the nurse? yeah, joey already told me, and i am so-so fine. i mean, you and i were just, yknow, were nothing, were goofin around."
monica,"umm, actually i was about to tell you that i was, i was going to get out of it, but hey, if were just goofing around then uh, maybe i will go out with him.",chandler,fine! maybe i will too!
monica,"hello dan! im really looking forward to saturday night! really, really!",chandler,"so dan, nurse not a doctor huh? kinda girlie isnt it?"
dan,nah thats okay. im just doing this to put myself through medical school.,chandler,oh.
dan,and it didnt feel so girlie during the gulf war.,chandler,"sure.  and listen, thanks for doing that for us, by the way."
monica,"oh, great!",chandler,"hey, how bout it? you, me, saturday night?"
delivery room nurse,no.,chandler,all right. very good.
dan,"uh, bye monica.",chandler,"bye, momi-moo."
frank,yesssss!!!!! we got a baby boy!!,chandler,yes!
frank,chandlers a girl!,chandler,"oh god, kindergarten flashback."
frank,"they musta read the sonogram wrong. cause they, cause they thought it was a boy, but chandlers a girl! chandlers a girl!",chandler,"okay, keep saying it!"
monica,great!,chandler,"so, are you really gonna go out with that nurse man?"
monica,"well uh, you and i are just goofing around, i thought, why not goof around with him.",chandler,"yknow, i dont know if youve ever looked up the term goofing around in the dictionary… well, i have, and the technical definition is, two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing sex and just wanna spend more time together. but if you have this new fangled dictionary that gets you made at me, then we have to, yknow, get you my original dictionary. i am so bad at this."
monica,i think youre better than you think you are.,chandler,"really? okay, so…"
monica,know when to stop.,chandler,"yknow, i sensed that i should stop. so were okay?"
monica,"yeah. all right, im gonna go tell dan that its not gonna happen.  dont do the dance.",chandler,right!
phoebe,yeah. you wont be able to take it.,chandler,"so uh, now that little chandler turned out to be a girl, what are they gonna name her?"
phoebe,theyre gonna call her chandler.,chandler,"thats kind of a masculine name, dont you think?"
phoebe,works on you.,chandler,"hi, my name’s chandler. i just moved in next door and i was wondering if you would be interested in battling me in a post-apoplectic world for control of the galaxies last remaining energy source?"
joey,"yeah, but, hey look, don’t go through her stuff. she gets really mad.",chandler,"oh my god. what is th… it’s like a guy never lived in here. look, you’ve got to be careful. this girl thing is dangerous.  it’s spreading already."
ross,"i know. that’s why i did it.  come on, are they really that bad?",chandler,"no, no no no. you’ll be fine.  hillary’s bind, right?"
phoebe,hello. oh good. ross could you put up some of these flyers for me?  oh!! demon!! demon!!,chandler,"yes, god forbid we throw out old underwear. you-you know what? i’m going to go over to joey’s."
monica,"you know what? this has been kind of a girlie day. you’re right, i’m sorry.",chandler,"nah, nah, it’s okay. i feel like i need to be in guy place. you know, do kind of like a man thing."
monica,yeah. go over to joey’s. go over to joey’s and drink some beer and hammer up some drywall.,chandler,you know when guys hang out they don’t just drink some beer and hammer up drywall?
monica,"when girls hang out, we don’t have pillow fights in our underwear.  i’m sorry. we do. we do. i don’t know why i said that.",chandler,"no thanks, josephine."
joey,"so what’s really neat. if you sear the stems of the flowers first in a frying pan, your arrangement will look fresh much longer.",chandler,"monica, could you excuse us for a second? i need to talk to the girl with the flowers."
monica,"okay. oh but joey, come over later because i’m going to teach you to make a bird feeder out of just a pine cone and some peanut butter.",chandler,"you’re arranging flowers!  you got dead flowers! you got a picture, a picture, of a baby dressed like flowers! this is not joey!!"
ross,"i think when someone steals your credit card, theyve kind of already thrown caution to the wind.",chandler,"wow, what a geek. they spent $69.95 on a wonder mop."
ross,"what? its, its just a phase.",chandler,"well, thats what we said about joey..."
monica,"this is so unfair! shes got everything i want, and she doesnt have my mother.",chandler,how about joey... pepponi?
joey,"no, still too ethnic. my agent thinks i should have a name thats more neutral.",chandler,joey... switzerland?
joey,"plus, yknow, i think it should be joe. yknow, joey makes me sound like im, i dunno, this big.  which im not.",chandler,joe...joe...joe...stalin?
joey,stalin...stalin...do i know that name? it sounds familiar.,chandler,"well, it does not ring a bell with me..."
joey,"joe stalin. yknow, thats pretty good.",chandler,might wanna try joseph.
joey,joseph stalin. i think youd remember that!,chandler,"oh yes! bye bye birdie, starring joseph stalin. joseph stalin is the fiddler on the roof."
ross,at the vet.,chandler,"shes not gonna make you wear one of those big plastic cones, is she?"
ross,"she says as time goes on, hes gonna start getting agressive and violent.",chandler,so what does this mean?
joey,"i cant believe it, ross. this sucks!",chandler,"i dont get it, i mean, you just got him. how can he be an adult already?"
joey,how do you get a monkey into a zoo?,chandler,"i know that one! ...no, thats popes into a volkswagen."
ross,"well, were applying to a lot of them. naturally our first choice would be one of the bigger state zoos, yknow, like, uh, san diego... right? but that might just be a pipe dream, because, yknow, hes out of state. uh, my vet, uh, knows someone at miami, so thats a possibility.",chandler,"yeah, but thats like two blocks away from the beach. i mean, its a total party zoo."
phoebe,"hey. we found her, we found the girl.",chandler,what?
rachel,nope. we took her to lunch.,chandler,ah. your own brand of vigilante justice.
ross,"yeah, which she probably stole from some cheerleader.",chandler,...take off their hats!
joey,you know there already is a joseph stalin?,chandler,youre kidding.
joey,apparently he was this russian dictator who slaughtered all these people. youd think you wouldve known that!,chandler,"yknow, youd think i wouldve."
joey,"we, we come back from our walk and the- the phone was ringing...",chandler,...hes in.
phoebe,oh!,chandler,"okay, bye, champ. now, i know theres gonna be a lot of babes in san diego, but remember, theres also a lot to learn."
joey,"remember what happened the last time i did an interview for them? i said i write a lot of my own lines, and then the writers got mad and made my character fall down the elevator shaft. so who knows what i might say this time.",chandler,if only there was something in your head to control the things you say.
rachel,"oh, come on joey! you will totally keep it in check this time, and plus y’know the publicity would be really good for your career! and you deserve that! and if you do the interview you can mention, oh i don’t know, gal pal rachel green?",chandler,is that gal pal spelled l-o-s-e-r?
monica,you think we’re being obvious?,chandler,"no, we’re just four people with neck problems. you talk like this."
ross,"uh, double latte, extra foam.",chandler,and a bagel with only…
joey,dude! what are yo—you trying to kill me?!,chandler,"well, i see youve had a very productive day. dont you think the cowboy hat is a little much?"
ross,"come on, its fun!",chandler,all right!  isnt this a womans hat?
joey,yeah.,chandler,we have free porn here!!!
joey,"nothing! well, i-i got this blinding pain in my stomach when i was lifting weights before, then i uh passed out and uh, haven’t been able to stand up since. but um, i don’t think it’s anything serious.",chandler,this sounds like a hernia. you have to—you-you—go to the doctor!
ross,"yeah, so far nothing stupid.",chandler,mento?
rachel,you too!,chandler,thanks.
flashbacks. the first one is from episode 214,"the one with the prom video, rachel has just found the bracelet that joey gave chandler, which is after he bought one to replace joey: how come you have two?",chandler,"no, i cant. no-no, listen, i, i know how much this means to you and i also know that this is about more than just jewelry,  its about you and me and the fact that were  best buds."
joey,really? me? wow! i don’t even know any huge gay people!,chandler,it hurts me. it physically hurts me.
jill,"oh my god, rachel!",chandler,"oh my god, introduce us!"
ross,"yeah, see.. you took mine. chandler, what about you?",chandler,"uh, if i were omnipotent for a day, id.. make myself omnipotent forever."
joey,"...ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. see, i told you! less than a hundred steps from our place to here.",chandler,you got waaaay too much free time.
check it out,"hockey tickets, rangers-penguins, tonight at the garden, and were taking you.",chandler,"happy birthday, pal!"
ross,"so, im guessing you had an extra ticket and couldnt decide which one of you got to bring a date?",chandler,"well, arent we mr. the glass is half empty."
joey,whats wrong with the twentieth?,chandler,eleven days before halloween.. all the good costumes are gone?
joey,"the hell with hockey, lets all do that!",chandler,"cmon, ross! you, me, joey, ice, guys night out, cmon, whaddya say, big guy,  huh? huh? huh?"
ross,what are you doing?,chandler,i have no idea.
ross,"alright, alright, maybe itll take my mind off it. do you promise to buy me a big thumb finger?",chandler,you got it.
rachel,"god, isnt this exciting? i earned this. i wiped tables for it, i steamed milk for it, and it was totally——not worth it. whos fica? whys he getting all my money? i mean, what- chandler, look at that.",chandler,"oh, this is not that bad."
phoebe,"look, look, i have elbows!",chandler,...poulet passes it up to leetch!
joey,leetch spots messier in the crease- theres the pass!,chandler,well take a brief time out while messier stops to look at some womens shoes.
ross,peach pit.,chandler,"yes, bunny?"
ross,"actually, nectarines, but basically...",chandler,couldve been a peach.
ross,"sorry, sorry... uh-oh.",chandler,what? there was ice there that night with carol? plastic seats? four thousand angry pittsburgh fans?
ross,"get him! get him! get him! get- yesss! not laughing now, are ya pal!",chandler,"see buddy, thats all you need, a bunch of toothless guys hitting each other with sticks."
ross,pass it! pass it!,chandler,hes open!
all,shoot! shoot! shoot!,chandler,"hey, look, were on that tv thing!"
receptionist,"it says to call this number if youre not completely satisfied with this candy bar. well, im not completely satisfied.",chandler,"listen, its kind of an emergency. well, i guess you know that, or wed be in the predicament room."
phoebe,"oh, wait, shes walking across the floor.. shes walking.. shes walking.. shes going for the pizza-  hey, thats not for you, bitch!",chandler,"excuse me, look, weve been here for over an hour, and a lot of people less sick than my friend have gone in. i mean, that guy with the toe thing? whos he sleeping with?  oh, cmon dora, dont be mad... i know we both said some things we didnt mean, but that doesnt mean we still dont love each other.  yknow, i feel like ive lost her..  ba-!"
ross,i remember the moonlight coming through the window- and her face had the most incredible glow.,chandler,"yes, the moon, the glow, the magical feeling, you did this part- could i get some painkillers over here, please?"
ross,"look, its just a little more complicated...",chandler,"well, what? what? what is it? that she left you? that she likes women? that she left you for another woman that likes women?"
ross,"little louder, okay, i think theres a man on the twelfth floor in a coma that didnt quite hear you...",chandler,then what?
joey,with carol?  oh.,chandler,"so in your whole life, youve only been with one——oh."
joey,man. can you believe hes only had sex with one woman?,chandler,"i think its great. yknow, its sweet, its romantic..."
joey,really?,chandler,"no, you kidding? the guys a freak.."
receptionist,"oh, thats attractive.",chandler,"oh, i thought you were great in silence of the lambs. oh come on, admit it! all things considered, you had fun tonight."
kid,"i found it. finders keepers, losers weepers.",chandler,"you gotta do it, man."
monica,"couldve played monopoly, but nooooo.",chandler,thanks.
ross,"okay, pheebs: right hand blue. good.",chandler,"hello? oh, uh, rachel, its the visa card people."
rachel,"oh, okay. will you take my place?",chandler,"alright.  yes, this is rachel."
rachel,ive got magic beans. never-never mind.,chandler,"to the left, to the left- aww!"
phoebe,uh-huh.,chandler,"say goodbye elves, im off to tulsa."
ross,youre really not coming back?,chandler,"yeah, we have all this paperwork that needs to be filed by the end of the year. if i dont get it done, ill be fired."
monica,"its so unfair, you dont even like your job!",chandler,"so, who does?"
ross,i cant get *enough* dinosaurs!,chandler,"im sorry, i wont be here."
monica,"its just... its hard enough not seeing you during the week, but for christmas... alright, if this is what you have to do, i understand.",chandler,thanks.  ill see you new years day.
monica,youre not gonna be here new years eve??,chandler,did i not mention that?
monica,no!,chandler,and to all a good night! *opening credits*
others,hey.,chandler,hey. whereve you been?
wendy,"i was, uh, checking out that insurance companys christmas party on three, oh, it was really beautiful, they have all these decorations and this huge tree and i just, uh... to hell with them, we have to work. -- so i stole ther ham.",chandler,"you hear that? you may not be with your families, but at least its gonna smell like ham in here."
claudia,my kids in a play right now.,chandler,"yknow what, i know what will cheer you guys up!  i had a little talk with the boys in new york, told em about all the hard work youve been doing and that a little christmas bonus may be in order."
ken,a donation has been made in your name to the new york city ballet.,chandler,"well, thats like money in your pocket! - alright look, you want me to say it? this sucks. being here sucks! this work sucks!"
wendy,*now* it feels like christmas.,chandler,"im sorry. hey, at least you guys get to go home and be with your families tonight. i have to go back to an empty hotel room and lay down on a very questionable bedspread. and then tomorrow morning, you get to have christmas morning in your own houses, wich, by the way, none of you have invited me to."
ken,you can come to my house!,chandler,"haha, no thanks!"
wendy,that was a nice pep-talk.,chandler,"oh, thanks! im... actually thinking about becoming a motivational speaker."
wendy,"so, if you were home right now, what would you be doing?",chandler,"typical christmas-y stuff, you know? our holidays are pretty traditional..."
rachel,"okay, pheebs, you look in the kitchen, i will look in the back closet.",chandler,"i can save you time ladies, im right here."
rachel,we are looking for our christmas presents from monica.,chandler,what? thats terrible!
phoebe,"no-no, we do it every year!",chandler,"oh well, that, that makes it not terrible."
rachel,"dont worry, were just gonna search here for an hour, and then were gonna go over to joeys and search, ok?",chandler,"no not okay, you cant look for monicas presents!"
phoebe,"oh no, we have to!",chandler,"no, you dont have to, and you cant because i, i live here too."
phoebe,"well then, you should look with us.",chandler,why?
rachel,"chandler, arent you worried about what to get monica for christmas?",chandler,"no, i have a great idea for a present for her."
rachel,"chandler, thats not enough. i mean what if she gets you a great present, two medium presents, and a bunch of little presents? and youve just gotten her one great present? i mean thats just gonna make her feel bad. why would you do that to her chandler? why? why?",chandler,"if i help, we can find em faster!"
joey,"no, but with this new car smell, youll think you do.",chandler,"ok, pheebs, your turn."
ross,you got me a cola drink?,chandler,"and, a lemon lime."
ross,"well this, this is too much, i feel like i should get you another sweater.",chandler,and last but not least.
ross,years and years ago there were these people called the maccabees...,chandler,"ho, ho, ho! merry christmas!"
ben,santa!,chandler,hey!
ross,"what are you doing here, santa?",chandler,"well, im here to see my old buddy ben. what are you doing here, weird...turtle-man?"
ross,"im the holiday armadillo, your part-jewish friend. you sent me here to give ben some presents. remember?",chandler,what?
ross,what are you doing?,chandler,"you called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a santa costume, so i borrowed one from a guy at work!"
ross,"thank you, but, but you, you gotta leave.",chandler,why?
ross,"because, im finally getting him excited about hanukkah, and, and youre-youre wrecking it.",chandler,but i didnt get to shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly.
ross,"im sorry chandler, but this, this is really important to me.",chandler,"fine, ill give the suit back."
monica,"hey, you think, you can keep it another night?",chandler,santa? really?
monica,"yeah, is that okay?",chandler,did your dad ever dress up like santa?
monica,no.,chandler,then its okaaay!
wendy,naah... i couldnt leave you alone.,chandler,ah. thanks.
wendy,"besides, i cant leave until their christmas party downstairs clears out; there are some *pissed off* insurance people looking for that ham.",chandler,ah.  chandler bing.
phoebe,ble-blah-blar blargh!,chandler,"ahh, merry christmas; i miss you guys!"
monica,so is it horrible? is everybody working really hard?,chandler,"ah, well no, its just uh, me and wendy."
monica,wendy? -- that sounds like a girls name.,chandler,it is. did i... not tell you about her?
monica,"umhmm, umhmm, about the time you told me about new years eve. where is everybody else?",chandler,i sent them home.
monica,"ohh, you are such a good boss! is she pretty?",chandler,"uhh, uh..."
ross,"answer faster, answer faster!",chandler,i dont know!
ross,"answer better, answer better!",chandler,"i dont think of her that way, you know, shes a, shes a colleague."
monica,what does she do there?,chandler,"oh, shes regional vice president; shes... just below me."
monica,she did what?,chandler,be-low me!
monica,*what*??,chandler,"well, she... she didnt win..."
monica,"alright, well, maybe i should let you and the second prettiest girl in oklahoma get back to work.",chandler,"well, second prettiest that year; i mean, of *all* the girls in oklahoma, shes probably..."
rachel,"oh chandler, stop talking!",chandler,"honey, theres really nothing to worry about."
monica,okay.,chandler,im serious!
monica,okay!,chandler,merry christmas.
monica,merry christmas.,chandler,"merry christmas, you guys!"
phoebe,"blah blargah, blar-blab.",chandler,the wife says hi!.
wendy,ah. fun conversation?,chandler,"ah well, shes got this weird idea, that, uh, yknow, just because you and i are alone, that something is gonna happen."
wendy,"huh? really? -- hm, thatd be so terrible?",chandler,"this is probably the wrong thing to be worrying about, but... youre getting ham on my only tie."
wendy,...missy?,chandler,i dont know; im not used to girls making passes at me! ...  wait a minute... am i sexy in oklahoma?
wendy,you are to me...,chandler,"no,... no...  no!  look, im, im married!"
wendy,so? im married.,chandler,im *happily* married.
wendy,oh. - whats *that* like?,chandler,"right. so, im sorry..."
wendy,"seriously? happily married. so that phone call before, that was ... happy?",chandler,"well look, its not easy to spend this much time apart, you know. shes entitled to be a little paranoid... or, in this case: right on money! ... you know, shes amazing, and beautiful, and smart, and if she were here right now, ...shed kick your ass. look, youre a really nice person... ham stealing and adultery aside. but, what i have with my wife is pretty great, so nothing is ever gonna happen between us."
wendy,"okay, let me ask you something: if what you and your wife have is so great, then why are you spending christmas with me?",chandler,"i mean, you were the most beautiful woman in the room tonight!"
monica,really?,chandler,you kidding? youre the most beautiful woman in most rooms...   whoa! whoa! whoa! whats going on? you and i just made out! you and i are making out?
monica,"well, not anymore.",chandler,but we dont do that.
monica,"i know, i just thought it would be fun.",chandler,how drunk are you?
monica,drunk enough that i know i wanna do this. not so drunk that you should feel guilty about taking advantage.,chandler,thats the perfect amount!
monica,yknow whats weird?,chandler,what?
monica,this doesnt feel weird!,chandler,i know.
monica,youre a really good kisser.,chandler,"well, i have kissed over four women.  do you wanna get under the covers?"
monica,hm-hmm!,chandler,okay!
monica,wow! you are really fast!,chandler,it bodes well for me that speed impresses you.
monica,were gonna see each other naked.,chandler,yep!
monica,do you wanna do it at the same time?,chandler,count of three?
monica,one!,chandler,two!
both,three!,chandler,well i think its safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined.
monica,"eh, we werent that close anyway!",chandler,eh!
monica,"well uh, you and i are just goofing around, i thought, why not just goof around with him.",chandler,"yknow, i dont know if youve ever looked up the term goofing around in the dictionary... well, i have, and the technical definition is, two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing sex and just wanna spend more time together. but if you have this new fangled dictionary that gets you made at me, then we have to, yknow, get you my original dictionary. i am *so* bad at this."
monica,i think youre better than you think you are.,chandler,"really? okay, so..."
monica,know when to stop.,chandler,"yknow, i sensed that i should stop. so were okay?"
monica,yeah.  dont do the dance.,chandler,right!
monica,"i cant get married until i get something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue.",chandler,"okay, all right, all right, all right! okay!  okay, heres something, heres something blue and new."
monica,youre so efficient. i love you!,chandler,lets go!
monica,"no-no-no, wait! we need something old!",chandler,"oh, okay, i have condom in my wallet that ive had since i was twelve."
monica,thatll work!,chandler,i dont think so.
monica,"okay, now we just need something borrowed!",chandler,here just...take this.
monica,thats stealing!,chandler,"no, well-well bring it back! just put it under your dress."
monica,ohh.,chandler,"okay, one thing at a time."
monica,"listen umm, ive been thinking, its not fair for me to ask you to spend all of your money on our wedding. i mean, you work, you work really hard for that.",chandler,ehh.
monica,"eh, you work for that.",chandler,"look, i thought about it too, and im sorry. i think we should spend all of the money on the wedding."
monica,you do?!,chandler,"yeah, im putting my foot down. yeah look, when i proposed i told you that i would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding makes you happy, then, then thats what were gonna do."
monica,"oh, youre so sweet.  oh, but wait, what about our, what about the future and stuff?",chandler,"eh, forget about the future and stuff! so we only have two kids, yknow? well pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college."
monica,you thought about that?,chandler,yeah.
monica,how many kids were we gonna have?,chandler,"uh, four, a boy, twin girls and another boy."
monica,what else did you think about?,chandler,"well, stuff like where wed live, yknow? like a small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. yknow, we could have a cat that had a bell on its collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. of course, wed have an apartment over the garage where joey could grow old."
monica,"yknow what? i-i dont want a big, fancy wedding.",chandler,sure you do.
monica,"no, i want everything that you just said. i want a marriage.",chandler,you sure?
monica,uh-hmm.,chandler,i love you so much.
monica,"okay, fine. lets talk about snow. -- do you think its snowing in tulsa, where my husband is having sex on a copying machine?",chandler,hey!
monica,what are you doing here?,chandler,i wanted to be with you. i missed you so much.
joey,"hey, hey, uh, who did you miss the most?",chandler,monica.
joey,got ya.,chandler,i never want to leave you again!
monica,"but i thought if you left, you get fired.",chandler,turns out they cant fire me. because i quit.
ross,"what, you, you really quit your job?",chandler,"yeah! its a stupid job, and i could not stand leaving you. and why should i be the only one who doesnt get to do what he *really* wants to do?"
rachel,what do you really want to do?,chandler,i have *not* thought this through!
monica,oh my god!,chandler,"i know, i, i should have talked to you first about it."
monica,"no, i think that this is what you wanna do, i think its great!",chandler,thanks!
phoebe,"chandler, your being here is the best christmas present i could have ever imagined.",chandler,ahh...
phoebe,thank you.,chandler,"here, pass these, will ya.."
rachel,wha... are you kidding? i cant return this.,chandler,"i... thought it was a timely start to thinking about other people. besides, this gift still says i love you guys."
joey,mines is to lilian myers.,chandler,i dont have a *job*! *closing credits*
monica,"you are!  hey, heres twenty bucks. -- why dont you go buy yourself something pretty while im at work tomorrow?",chandler,"hey, you guys!"
ross and rachel,hey!,chandler,"so, what do you think?"
joey,what?,chandler,"are you kidding? okay, i’ll give you a hint; i’ll give you a hint."
joey,"eyes! no, no. your eyes! no. chandler’s eyes!",chandler,i got glasses!
ross,"well, you-you’ve always had glasses.",chandler,no i didn’t!
rachel,yes!,chandler,no!
monica,"sweetie, i think the glasses look great. they make you look really sexy.",chandler,really?
monica,yeah!,chandler,"you didn’t think i used to wear glasses, right?"
phoebe,so what do you guys want for an engagement present?,chandler,"that’s okay pheebs, we’re not having a party or anything, so you don’t have to get us…"
monica,"hey, i know i what i want!",chandler,what we want honey.
phoebe,you mean the one that my grandmother made me swear on her deathbed that i would never let out of our family?,chandler,dying people say the craziest things.
monica,okay. i’m gonna be the mom that makes the world’s best chocolate chip cookies.,chandler,our kids are gonna be fat aren’t they.
joey,ahoy!,chandler,hey! how’s the boat?!
joey,"oh, it’s great! it’s a great place to just kinda, sit, hang around, drink a few beers, eat some chips.",chandler,"well, it’s good that you finally have a place to do that."
rachel,what?! what?! he was trying to cheer me up! my pony was sick.,chandler,do you know what i was thinkin’?
monica,what?,chandler,"nothing, i just like to go like this."
ross,"hey chandler, what are you doing tonight?",chandler,"uh why, do you have a lecture?"
ross,"no, why?",chandler,then free as a bird. what’s up?
ross,"yeah and he didn’t really ask for you, he asked for chancy, i assumed he meant you.",chandler,"well, did-did you correct him?"
monica,he hates to lose.,chandler,"oh no problem, maybe i’ll play with my left hand."
ross,you’re not a lefty?,chandler,does anybody know me?!
ross,"oh, we have to get you an engagement present?",chandler,don’t worry about it pheebs.
phoebe,"okay, here i wish you health and happiness.",chandler,an old cookie?
phoebe,"see no-no, i made a batch and i froze it, and this is the only one left.",chandler,we can’t accept this.
phoebe,why not?,chandler,‘cause it’s gross.
monica,yeah! i bet i can do it.,chandler,"okay, we owe you a present."
ross,"well i had a great time! umm, chancy on the other hand…",chandler,i will tell the story! it was going great. i let him win. we were bonding. he even said i could call him dad.
ross,and what did he ask you not to call him?,chandler,"daddy. all right look, here’s the story.  well, we had just finished playing racquetball and we were gonna take a steam. i walk into the steam room and it was really steamy.  so i take off my glasses and that’s when in happened."
monica,oh my god chandler! i can’t believe it!,chandler,i know.
monica,you gave my father a lap dance!,chandler,why do they put so much steam in there?!
ross,‘cause otherwise they’d have to call it the room room.,chandler,why? okay? why? wh-wh-why did that have to happen?
phoebe,"come on, it’s not that big a deal!",chandler,not that big a deal? there…there was touching of things.
monica,"listen, i’m sure that dad doesn’t care. he probably thought this was funny; he’ll be telling this story for years!",chandler,i don’t want him to tell this story for years.
ross,you were trying to eat it!,chandler,if that is your father calling to tell this story then the marriage is off!
monica,"come on.  hello? i’m sorry you have the wrong number.   okay, i’ll call you later dad. i love you.",chandler,"all right, i’m off to see your dad."
rachel,"yeah, and-and you better make sure he tips you this time.",chandler,"look, i figured i would try to convince him not to tell the story anymore, and i figure the best way to do that is face to face—and by face i don’t mean his lap. and by face, i don’t mean my ass."
phoebe,i know! you see it is stuff like this which is why you’re burning in hell!!,chandler,"so you understand, i’d feel a lot more comfortable if you didn’t tell people what happened. y’know, i’m a little…i’m a little embarrassed about it."
mr. geller,"i understand completely, there’s nothing more horrifying than embarrassing yourself in front of your in-laws. as a matter of fact, when i started dating judy i was unemployed, and her father asked me what i did for a living and i told him i was a lawyer.",chandler,what did you do when they found out?
mr. geller,"they never did, so if ever see me giving them legal advice just nod along. shall we?",chandler,so i guess we wear swimsuits in here! ending credits
joey,careful! you’re wasting good pastrami!  oh my god! i’m my dad!,chandler,are you looking at naked tribes women?
joey,"no, look.",chandler,thats a pig.
joey,"i know, i know, but look at the knobs on her.",chandler,hey!
ross,emilys cousin kicked me out!,chandler,what?!
ross,"well, when youre subletting an apartment from your wifes cousin and then you get a divorce, sometimes the cousin suddenly wants his apartment back.",chandler,how can he do that? didnt you sign a lease?
joey,"hey, you can stay with us! well take care of ya!",chandler,"oh, yeah! absolutely! anything you need man! but you have to promise me the second you are feeling better so that we can make fun of your hair!"
ross,what?,chandler,he thought you said gonad.
ross,hey roomies!,chandler,love what youve done with the place.
joey,"not a problem. and listen, hey! since youre gonna be here for a while, why dont—i was thinking we uh, put your name on the answering machine.",chandler,oh yeah!
joey,"youre fake laughing too, right?",chandler,"oh, the tears are real."
joey,hey.,chandler,what are you doing?
joey,nothing.,chandler,you built a fort didnt ya?
joey,kinda.,chandler,"oh my god, the air purifier! rosss air purifier! all i heard through 4 years of college was"
joey,"dude, you shouldve gone out once and a while.",chandler,i hate this thing!
joey,"ahhhhhhhhhh… (notices ross looking at him and stops. ross gives him his quiet down maneuver. okay, this may take a while to explain, so center this on you screen and place your hands about a foot apart with your fingers together and pointing straight up. now take you fingers and point them at the other hand and making a 90-degree angle with each of your hands and the first knuckle counting up from the wrist. now take your right hand, no your other right , and lower it a couple of inches, so that the fingers are pointing at your wrist. now take your arms and keeping the elbows bent and your hands in front of you spread out your arms, kinda like making a birds wing. now hunch your shoulders over and move you hands up and down as if you are trying to tell some one to turn it down. thats ross quiet down maneuver. well, there is an accompanying face, but i dont want to try and describe it as well.)",chandler,hello children!
joey,hey! wanna play some foosball? please?,chandler,okay.
joey,"all right, i have one question. what is the deal with this?",chandler,bye-bye little puppet joey hand?
joey,"no, the quiet down thing!",chandler,you mean this.
joey,"um-hmm! look, i-i-i dont know how much more of this i can take! did you know he taped over my baywatch tape with some show about bugs! my god! what if that had been porn?",chandler,"all right look, yknow, this maybe tough but come on, this is ross! i survived college with him!"
joey,"all right, i guess i can hold out a little longer. lets have a game.",chandler,okay.
ross,"uh fellas,",chandler,"okay, so hes out of here."
phoebe,"hey, guys, you know what larry would say? he would say, see you ladle.",chandler,"well, i-i-im done with this. you want anything ross? sports? international? apartment listings?"
ross,"well, i guess i can check out those apartment listings, even though theres never anything in here.",chandler,not even on page 7?
ross,"oh yeah! youre—hey, youre right! heres an affordable place,  two bedroom, close to work, ooh, its available in five weeks!",chandler,what about that circled one?
joey,but its available now! isnt it?,chandler,"yes, it is."
joey,okay!,chandler,there we go!
ross,"oh-oh-ooh, hey guys, i was wondering if you guys would uh, maybe chip in on some new air filters for the air purifier? i mean after all, we all are using it.",chandler,lets go quicker.
ross,oh my god!,chandler,"yeah, well look at this kitchen, slash bathroom. well thats great! yknow so you can cook while in the tub."
joey,"but hey, ross, this place is available now!",chandler,"yeah, you dont want to be stuck with us for the next five weeks."
ross,how about you?,chandler,its a kitchen slash bathroom.
ross,"all right, i see what you guys are saying. ill uh, ill go downstairs and fill out an application.",chandler,we are bad people.
joey,"maybe, maybe we did a good thing, helping ross get back on his feet!",chandler,yes that was a nice place!
joey,yeah!,chandler,"not a lot of closet space, but he can just hang his stuff out the window in a bag!"
joey,yeah!,chandler,what are we gonna do?
joey,i dont know. maybe pizza?,chandler,about ross!
joey,"hello!  oh yeah!  its the apartment manager; ross put us down as references.  ross is the greatest guy youll ever meet! yeah, hes very reliable.",chandler,"of course he has this big huge dog! that uh, barks into the night.  well, who doesnt love dogs?  ah, hes a tap dancer!  yes, some would say that is a lost art.  hes a pimp!  there you go! yes, hes a pimp. hes a big, tap dancing pimp!  hello?"
rachel,yeah!,chandler,"98. 99. 100. okay, go!"
joey,"dude, im telling ya! im fine!",chandler,here we go! here we go!
joey,hey!,chandler,hey!
joey,youre kidding!,chandler,"youre kidding, no!"
joey,"well, we got plenty of space! there-theres still some over there  by-by that speaker. please, just stay!",chandler,yeah!
joey,definitely!,chandler,"yes! ross, you have to stay!"
joey,all right!,chandler,"all right, buddy!"
ross,"so im a pimp huh? its okay! look, i know that sometimes i can be a pain in the ass, but you just have to talk to me. tell me if something is bothering you. okay? and for my part i will do everything i can to keep my annoying habits just .  ending credits",chandler,"well, i see youve had a very productive day. dont you think the cowboy hat is a little much?"
ross,"come on, its fun!",chandler,all right!  isnt this a womans hat?
monica,no.,chandler,"hey pheebs, what’s up?"
phoebe,you told me you hate massages!,chandler,"buy stamps, pick up dry cleaning…don’t let phoebe in."
phoebe,okay—oop! too late! i’m leaving! come on chandler let’s go!,chandler,"well, phoebe i thought i’d——yeah, what the hell."
joey,whoa-hey-oh! sorry!,chandler,hey babe.
monica,hi honey. we just got a wedding gift from bob and faye bing; they don’t like us do they?,chandler,who says you can’t get a nice punch bowl for under six bucks? maybe we can take it back?
monica,"no, it doesn’t say where it came from. where would we return it?",chandler,how about to the street say from the balcony?
monica,why don’t we just find a place for it?,chandler,okay. how about in that cabinet?
monica,no! that’s where we keep the canned goods! have you completely forgotten everything you learned at orientation?,chandler,how about the closet by the bathroom?
monica,"oh, okay. here, why don’t you let me do it?",chandler,"oh no-no-no, i will do it. honey, you have to learn to sit down and relax and let your husband take care of things once and awhile.  it’s locked, you have to help me. why is it locked?"
monica,no reason. i-i keep private things in there.,chandler,"oh y’know, i’ve been living here a while and i’ve never seen what’s inside that closet. what is, what is in there?"
monica,feminine stuff.,chandler,don’t try to make me uncomfortable with feminine stuff!
monica,"chandler, there is nothing in there that concerns you! if you love me you-you’ll let it go.",chandler,fine.
monica,thank you!,chandler,love you.
phoebe,"hello chandler, lovely day huh?  you!",chandler,"phoebe if it helps alexandra has only been massaging monica for like three years.  if! i said, if it helps!"
monica,oh god phoebe!!  oh that’s it! that’s it! right there! oh!  ooooh-oooh-ooooh…,chandler,i wasn’t trying to open your closet! i wasn’t trying to open your closet! i swear!
joey,"whoa, monica runs a pretty tight ship over here. what are you doing?",chandler,monica has a secret closet and she won’t let me see what’s in it.
joey,why not?,chandler,i don’t know! what could she possibly be hiding in here that i can’t see?!
joey,"i don’t know. ooh, i bet it’s richard.",chandler,why would monica be keeping richard in here?
joey,"well off the top of my head uhh, maybe she’s having her cake and eating it too. you being the cake and richard being the too. or!",chandler,and here we go…
joey,"oh uh, hey. not as good as this guy!  he brought twizlers!",chandler,there has got to be a way!
joey,"easy there captain kirk. oh, do you have a bobby pin?",chandler,"yeah.  oh no wait, i’m not an nine-year-old girl."
joey,then why do you throw like one?,chandler,maybe monica has a bobby pin.
joey,sure. monica.,chandler,"so, how’s the hideously inappropriate crush on rachel coming?"
joey,"uh, really good. really good. yeah, i should be ready to kill myself any day now.  wow, you sure found that quick.  i just—i wish i didn’t feel this way about rachel anymore, y’know? i wish things could go back to normal. i mean, i love living with her and god, helping out with the baby is just amazing, but now i think…i think ross feels left out. y’know? when i had to take rachel to the hospital, the doctor thought i was the father. god… you should’ve seen the look on ross’s face.  by the way, i have no idea what i’m doing here. for all i know i’m just locking it more. oh hey, did you try opening it with a credit card?",chandler,that’s a good idea.
joey,yeah.,chandler,"okay.  so uh, ross is kinda bummed huh?"
joey,"oh, i just…i feel terrible.",chandler,"well, it’s not your fault. what are you gonna do? not take her to the hospital? y’know? you’re doing nothing wrong.  except for harboring an all consuming love for the woman whose carrying his baby.  richard? if-if you’re in there, could you pass me my credit card?"
ross,oh rach that’s great. that’s great.,chandler,"not to shabby, i got this all off myself…using my wife’s tools.  oh my god!"
monica,how did you get in there?!,chandler,you’re messy.
monica,oh no! you weren’t supposed to see this!,chandler,i married fred sanford!
monica,"no chandler, you don’t understand!  okay! okay! okay! fine! now you know. okay? i’m y’know…i’m sick.",chandler,"no, honey you’re not sick! look, i don’t love you because you’re organized, i love you in spite of that."
monica,really? you promise you won’t tell anyone?,chandler,"yes! and look, now that i know if i got some extra stuff lying around can we, can we share the closet."
monica,well…it’s just umm…i’m afraid you might mess it up.,chandler,hey.
joey,hey.,chandler,so rachel’s all moved out huh? how are you taking it?
joey,"well uh, i wanted to have a few beers, but uh, i got rid of those because rachel couldn’t stand the smell of them. but i have thrown back a lot of orange juice with calcium though. and uh, it’s a couple weeks past it’s expiration date, so it’s got a bit of a kick.",chandler,are you okay?
phoebe,"yeah, say my name. say it!  and now i’m going to cover you back up, and umm we’re never doing this again.",chandler,hey.
monica,what’s the matter?,chandler,someone on the subway licked my neck! licked my neck!!
phoebe,oh willie’s still alive!,chandler,what are you guys doing?
monica,"oh, my mom called, they’re gonna run our engagement announcement in the local paper, so we’re looking for a good picture of us.",chandler,"oooh, i’m afraid that does not exist."
monica,"that’s not true, there are great pictures of us!",chandler,"no, there are great pictures of you standing next to a guy who’s going like this…"
phoebe,oh my god! that’s the creep that you’re with at the statue of liberty.,chandler,"i don’t know what it is, i just can’t take a good picture."
monica,"oh, here’s a great one.",chandler,"yeah, i’m not in that."
monica,chandler what do you say?,chandler,"all right, but i should warn you, i’m not going. i’m going."
ross,"dude, that reverse lay-up! oh…",chandler,how about those three pointers?
ross,amazing!,chandler,and those guys were this  close to lettin’ us play this time too.
ross,"oh, you guys call him cute coffeehouse guy, we call him hums while he pees.",chandler,"yes, and we call ross lingers in the bathroom."
ross,"hey, divorced men are not bad men!",chandler,they have that on the napkins at the club.
rachel,"yeah but, my assistant tag does sit-ups in the office during lunch. ohh! i could just spread him on a cracker.",chandler,"rach, if you have a crush on this guy, why would you hire him? i mean y’know you can’t date him right?"
ross,maybe i should open a divorced men’s club.,chandler,dude that is so sad.
ross,i could put uh-uh a basketball court in the back.,chandler,could i play?
the photographer,"great! that’s great monica! great! now, chandler, you want to give us a smile?",chandler,okay.
the photographer,"i’m sorry, is the seat uncomfortable?",chandler,"no, i am."
monica,"chandler, listen to me sweetie, i know you can do this. okay? you have a beautiful smile.",chandler,i do?
monica,"yeah!  all right, maybe you don’t have to smile. let’s try something else. let’s try umm, try looking sexy.",chandler,okay.
monica,"i know. let’s try a look…of far off…wonderment. okay, we’ll-we’ll gaze into our future and we’ll think about our marriage and the days to come.  chandler! what is the matter with your face?! i mean this picture is supposed to say geller and bing to be married, not local woman saves drowning moron!  hey! don’t laugh at him! he’s my drowning moron!",chandler,aww!
monica,"they can’t all be bad.  find the one where you make your bedroom eyes. ohh, there it is.",chandler,oh my god! those are my bedroom eyes?! why did you ever sleep with me?
joey,"see? that’s a great smile! easy. natural. now, pretend i have a camera.  you’re changing it!",chandler,i can’t help it!
joey,"all right, all right, all right, all right, you wanna know what i do when i take resume shots?",chandler,borrow money from me?
joey,"okay, first—first of all, you want to make it look spontaneous. i look down , look down, keep looking down; then i look up.  see? all right, now you try. look down , you’re looking down, keep looking down…",chandler,why is there jelly on your shoe?
joey,hey!,chandler,hey!
joey,"hey well, you can’t teach someone to be good with women. y’know, that’s why i never had any luck with chandler.",chandler,i’m right here!
joey,"hey! no-no-no-no, you can’t take him away from me! i got a great partner to pick up girls with! finally!!",chandler,i’m still right here!
joey,"i know, monica told me.",chandler,"did you have a crush on me, when you first met me?"
rachel,yeah. sure.,chandler,can you people not see me?!
monica,hey! there you are!,chandler,there i am!
monica,are you okay?,chandler,"yeah, joey said i uh, i needed to relax so he gave me an antihistamine."
monica,what?!,chandler,"yeah, and then i fell asleep on the subway and went all the way to brooklyn. brooklyn is f-far!!"
monica,"chandler, what were you thinking?",chandler,"i don’t know, but don’t worry, don’t worry, because i know how to take a picture now.  okay, see? look down , look down, look down…"
monica,chandler?,chandler,yeah!
phoebe,"ooh, let’s see it!",chandler,ahhh.
monica,okay.,chandler,"oh yeah, that looks good."
monica,"yeah, we really do!",chandler,okay.
joey,"y’know, we don’t have to imagine.",chandler,i’m marrying her.
joey,"okay rach, that muffin and espresso, $4.50. ross, double latte, $2.75. chandler, coffee and a scone, $4.25. and pheebs, herbal tea, $1.25. so, all together that’s  $12.75.",chandler,this coming from the man who couldn’t split our 80 dollar phone bill in half.
ross,hey!,chandler,"hey, what are you doing here? shouldn’t you be at work?"
all,ohh!,chandler,i’m so sorry you’re sick.
monica,i have not been sick in over three years!,chandler,i’m gonna grab you some tissue.
monica,"i’m fine-d. i’m fine-d! y’know, it’s a really hard word to say.",chandler,yes?
jill,"oh my god, rachel!",chandler,"oh my god, introduce us!"
jill,"yeah but it wasn’t for me, it was for a friend.",chandler,boy did we make friends with the wrong sister!
monica,"okay, so what do you, what do you want to do? let’s do something crazy!",chandler,"i know, let’s rest and drink lots of fluids."
monica,"okay, i’ll rest. but y’know if i’m going to bed, then you’re coming with me.",chandler,that would be impossible to resist if you weren’t all drippy here.
monica,are you saying that you don’t wanna get with this?,chandler,"yeah, i don’t you should say that even when you’re healthy."
monica,come on.,chandler,don’t take this personally okay? it’s just that i just can’t have sex with a sick person.
monica,"i’m with you chandler! i mean i can’t have sex with a sick person either, that’s disgusting! but i’m not sick! let me prove it to you. we are two healthy people in the pribe of libe.",chandler,"that’s the thing, see i would like to stay in the pribe of mwha-ah-libe."
monica,chandler!,chandler,"oh what is it honey, you need some tea? some soup?  oh-ohhhh!"
monica,"calling dr. big, dr. big to the bed.",chandler,"oh jeez honey, i thought, i thought you were asleep."
monica,how could i be asleep knowing that you were in the next room.,chandler,i was asleep.  oh no! no-no honey! y’know what’s sexy? layers. layers are sexy. and blankets are sexy. and oh! hot water bottles are sexy.
monica,"come on, get into bed! i want to prove to you that i’m not sick! i wanna make you feel, as good as i feel.",chandler,would you please get some rest!
monica,"chandler, i think i’m sick.",chandler,really? struck down in the pribe of libe!
monica,"okay, fine i admit it! i feel terrible! would you please rub this on my chest?",chandler,"no-no-no-no-no-no-no, you are not getting me this way."
monica,come on! i really need your help!,chandler,no-no-no-no-no!
monica,"fine, i’ll rub it on myself.",chandler,okay.
monica,yeah?,chandler,it’s nice.
monica,are you kidding me?! is this; is this turning you on?,chandler,yes!
monica,i can’t believe it! what is it? is it the rubbing or the smell?,chandler,"it’s all very, very good.  so you wanna go uh, mix it up?"
monica,"not now, i’m sick!",chandler,oh come on you big faker!
monica,what happened to your rule about never sleeping with sick people?,chandler,well that was before all the vaporizing action.
monica,"okay, if you really wanna have sex…",chandler,okay!
rachel,"oh yes, it’s me! sorry!",chandler,what are you doing here?
rachel,"uh, i’m just, i’m just looking out your window. at-at the view. what are you guys doing?",chandler,we got some vap-o-rub in some places.
rachel,"oh my god, look-look he’s taking off her clothes!",chandler,he’s taking off her coat!
rachel,oh.,chandler,"ho-oh, he’s gonna get some!  of the glare from the streetlight out of his apartment. y’know so umm, he’s closed the drapes there so he can have a nice, pleasant conversation with your little sister.  well, i’m off to bed!  to be continued ending credits"
joey,damnit!,chandler,hey!
joey,hey!,chandler,so we thought wed throw you little going away party around seven.
monica,oh my god! i have nothing left to teach you!,chandler,wheres your passport?
rachel,it should be right next to my plane ticket.,chandler,"well, its not."
joey,"try it, i cant feel a thing! monica : are, are you kidding? this is packing?",chandler,were taking a break!
monica,from?,chandler,jumping on the bed?
ross,"you got it! . all right, shes right, we gotta get serious.  lets put styrofoam peanuts down his pants and kick him!",chandler,"no, no, no, guys. shes right. we should get to work. ill take stuff out of the closet, joey you pack em and ross you re-pack whatever joey packs."
joey,you guys hear a ringing?,chandler,what the hell is this?
ross,"chandler, you dont have a sister so you cant understand how much this bums me out.",chandler,i didnt know monica had these!
joey,"mhm, maybe she used them with another boyfriend. maybe richard!",chandler,why would she use them with richard and not me? i can be kinky! i once did a naked dance for her... with scarves!
joey,hey.,chandler,hey.
ross,"oh, man! i cant believe shes actually leaving. how am i gonna say goodbye to rachel?",chandler,"i know, shes been such a big part of my life. and it feels like when melrose place got cancelled.  i mean... oh, forget it. i miss melrose place! joey : you know, i had a chance to stop her too!"
joey,"who loses fifty seven coin tosses in a row? head she wins, tails i lose.  wait a minute...",chandler,"yes, joe?"
monica,chandler? i was just in our bedroom and i found these  on my pillow.,chandler,"oh, yes. i decided to leave these out for you in case richard stops by and you wanna  engage on a little light bondage and moustache play!"
monica,what are you talking about? these arent mine.,chandler,"oh yeah, right! good luck getting another scarf dance from  me!"
monica,"that would be a terrible punishment. but, im serious, ive never seen these before.",chandler,really? then what are they doing in our guestroom?
monica,rachel used to live in that room.,chandler,rachel... with handcuffs! interesting!
monica,joeys bare ass!,chandler,. well played.
ross,"oh no, she took down monica... and im the crier in the family. oh god! i could be next. maybe she wont talk with me if it looks like were deep in converstation. oh, so that thing you said about the thing. it really made me think about that other thing.",chandler,"uh, rach?"
joey,i really made you think about that thing uh?,chandler,"uh, rach... i think i have something that belongs to you."
rachel,"oh, im sure gonna miss pretending to laugh at your weird jokes that i dont get.",chandler,"no, no, no... theyre really yours. we... found them in your old room."
rachel,"well, these arent mine. maybe monica used to use them with...",chandler,"dont say richard! well, if theyre not monicas and theyre not yours, then whose are they?"
rachel,"well, i think youre forgetting the kinkiest former resident of that room.",chandler,pheebs!
phoebe,yeah!,chandler,i think these are yours.
rachel,can i talk to you alone for a minute?,chandler,sure.  you dont really handcuff guys to waterpipes do you?
rachel,oh honey...,chandler,"let me just say something... because once we get into this, im gonna get all uncomfortable and probably make some stupid joke... i just want to say that i... i love you... and, im gonna miss you. and im so sad that youre leaving."
rachel,"oh, you know what? lets not say anything else. i love you.",chandler,"ooh, not so tight...  im sorry, just give me one more chance."
rachel,oh!,chandler,"im sor... just go. just go. i cant, i cant."
ross,i dont think so.,chandler,"oh, youre definately not. i havent cried like that in years."
monica,you cried yesterday at the six oclock news.,chandler,that old woman was being scammed by her mechanic.
monica,yeah. mine too.,chandler,mine was a humdinger
phoebe,tell me about it.,chandler,"well, you cant say we dont know how to throw a party."
monica,were moving in a couple of days and weve got a lot of packing to do. it would be great if you guys could pitch in.,chandler,joey and i can finish up in the guest room.
monica,oh no! you and phoebe are gonna help me in here.,chandler,you couldnt be cool.
monica,"good! now i need you to be careful and efficient. and remember, if i am harsh with you, it is only because you are doing it wrong.",chandler,"hey mon, i think i figured out whose handcuffs they are."
monica,you did? how?,chandler,"well, i was cleaning out the closet and i found some pictures of them... being used."
joey,whos that dirty old lady?,chandler,monicas grandmother.
monica,oh my god!,chandler,relax! we just get her some antacids.
monica,"she doesnt have a stomach ache, shes in labor.",chandler,oh my god!
monica,"all right, chandler get the coats. erica lets go. phoebe and joey, keep packing! oh my god were gonna have a baby. all right. were gonna have a baby! oh my god, were gonna have a baby! oh god, oh god, i got to sit down, i got to sit down. ooh!",chandler,"honey, its gonna be okay."
joey,"chandler, wait, wait, wait...",chandler,what?
ross,"yeah, you didn’t get one.",chandler,"okay, well tonight’s the big night."
joey,"okay listen, how are you gonna ask her?",chandler,"it is going to be perfect. i am taking her to her favorite restaurant. i’m going to get her a bottle of the champagne that she really loves; therefore knows how expensive it is. then when the glasses are full, instead of proposing a toast i’m just gonna propose."
joey,that sounds perfect!,chandler,yeah.
joey,you’re gonna mess it up let me do it.,chandler,i’m not gonna mess it up.
phoebe,"if she says no, can i have the ring?",chandler,she’s not gonna say no.
ross,hey!,chandler,hey!
phoebe,hi monica.,chandler,give me it!
phoebe,it’s gone.,chandler,phoebe!
joey,hey!,chandler,hi monica.
rachel,hey!,chandler,hey!
rachel,"are any of you guys free tonight? my boss is hosting this charity event for underprivileged kids and the more people i bring, the better i look. so, monica? chandler?",chandler,"well, monica and chandler can’t go. we’re going to dinner remember?!"
monica,what’s the big deal?,chandler,i just get mad when rachel doesn’t remember where we’re going.
joey,"hey, y’know what? i’ll come too. i’m making money now; it’s about time i give something back.",chandler,"well, you could also give back the money you owe me."
ross,"oh no, i have plans with elizabeth.",chandler,"oh, so you’re already doing your part for the kids."
monica,"ross let me ask you a question. all jokes aside, where is this relationship going?",chandler,"wait a minute, all jokes aside? i didn’t agree to that!"
rachel,"see? now, he could date her.",chandler,"will you marry me? will you marry me?  hey, you marry me!  what’s going on little elves?"
ross,"yeah, yeah you have the ring?",chandler,"yeah, right here in my pocket.  pheebs?"
phoebe,oh! oop!,chandler,"okay, now will you guys get out of here? i want this is to be a surprise and she’s gonna know."
monica,hi guys.,chandler,you are beautiful.
phoebe,forget her! you enjoy this!! (pulls him back up and starts applauding her makeup as chandler suddenly has a horrifying thought and starts patting down his monica: what are you doing?,chandler,"one nation, under god. indivisible with liberty and justice for all.  i remembered it.  the champagne is here."
monica,are you okay?,chandler,yes! yes! i’m good! are you good? are you good? is everything—are you—are you perrr-perfect?!
monica,"yeah. i’m okay. i’m actually—i’m a little cold, can i have your jacket?",chandler,"oh, yeah.  uh, no you can’t have my jacket! because then i would be cold! if you thought that you were going to be cold, you should’ve brought your own jacket. but uh, other than that, are you okay? are you okay?"
monica,are you sure you’re okay?,chandler,"yes! i’m fine. in fact i’ve been fine for a long time now and i think, the reason is you."
monica,ohh that’s sweet!,chandler,"okay umm, before i meant you i had really little life and i couldn’t imagine growing old with…"
monica,oh my god!,chandler,"i know, but just let me say it."
monica,"oh my god, richard.",chandler,"what?! i’m chandler!  oh, that’s richard!"
richard,monica! chandler!,chandler,"hey-hey, hey!  i don’t know why i did that!"
richard,"well, my nose got lonely.",chandler,"and uh, you don’t have a mustache which is good.  i’m chandler; i make jokes when i’m uncomfortable."
richard’s date,"hi, i’m lisa.",chandler,hi.
richard,"oh, i’m sorry.  lisa,  monica, chandler. we used to date.",chandler,"richard! no one supposed to know about us!  see i, did it again."
monica,"chandler, wh-why don’t we sit down?",chandler,"yeah, i’ll sit down."
richard,oh. good to see you guys.,chandler,yes.
lisa,oh my god!,chandler,"i got a good one, i got a good one! i once walked in on both my parents making love to the same guy."
monica,ohh.,chandler,what?!
ross,"oh my god, you guys!!",chandler,"before you say anything, have we got a story for you! guess who we bumped into at dinner!"
ross,who?,chandler,richard!
ross,what?  a-ohh!  ohh. oh that’s right that’s right. that’s richard’s favorite place too.,chandler,oh you knew that. good!
monica,she’s leaving for three months.,chandler,for camp!
ross,"i’ve got to talk to her. ugh, i hate this part.",chandler,"hey, you have to forget about elizabeth. i mean if you’re not careful you may not get married at all this year!"
monica,okay.,chandler,what did you guys just do?!
phoebe,what happened?,chandler,richard was there so i couldn’t do it!
joey,what?! noooo…,chandler,"i’m gonna do it tomorrow y’know, and-and surprise her, but now you’ve ruined it!"
joey,we didn’t ruin it!,chandler,who walks into a room and asks to see a person’s hands?!
phoebe,good one! yeah.,chandler,this is terrible. what am i going to do?
phoebe,"look, she only suspects something okay? she doesn’t know for sure, so just throw her off the track.",chandler,"that’s right, i can throw her off. i can make her think marriage is the last thing on my mind."
phoebe,yeah! yeah! convince her that-that you’re scared of commitment! convince her that you’re a little coward!,chandler,"i can do that, i’ve had 30 years of practice."
ross,"okay, break-up’s still on!",chandler,"okay, okay, here she comes!  how do i look? do i look like a guy who doesn’t want to get married?"
joey,hey!,chandler,hey!
monica,what are you up too?,chandler,"oh, just hanging out, talkin’ about uh, websites. yeah, we saw this really interesting website about marriage and how totally unnecessary it is and how its just a way for the government to keep tabs on you."
monica,well that’s a little crazy. although i am y’know glad to hear that you’re branching out on what you look at on the internet.,chandler,"yeah, well… y’know, it just got me thinking though, why would anybody ever want to get married huh?"
monica,why?! to celebrate your relationship! to solidify your commitment! to declare your love for one another to the world!,chandler,eh…
monica,"so that marriage stuff that you were saying yesterday, you don’t really believe that do you?",chandler,"sure i do. in fact, i think the whole concept of marriage is unnatural. i mean look at pigs. let’s take a second here and look at pigs. okay pigs don’t mate for life. i mean a pig can have like a hundred sexual partners in a lifetime, and that’s just an ordinary pig not even a pig that’s good at sports!"
monica,"yeah, but that’s pigs not people!",chandler,"if marriage worked, i’d be all for it. but do you know what the divorce rate in this country is? 97%."
monica,wait a minute. are you honestly telling me that-that you may never want to get married?,chandler,"well, never say never but y’know probably uh yeah, never."
monica,oh my god! then-then-then what are we even doing?! what is this?!,chandler,whoa! whoa! whoa! what is all this pressure?! is this some new kind of strategy? why don’t you put down your copy of ‘the rules’ huh mantrap?!
monica,y’know what?! i gotta go! ugh!,chandler,"it’s okay, i got a plan."
joey,where the hell have you been?!,chandler,i was making a coconut phone with the professor.
joey,richard told monica he wants to marry her!,chandler,what?!
joey,"yeah! yeah, i’ve been trying to find ya to tell to stop messing with her and maybe i would have if these  damn boat shoes wouldn’t keep flying off!",chandler,my—oh my god!
joey,i know! they suck!!,chandler,he’s not supposed to ask my girlfriend to marry him! i’m supposed to do that!
joey,i know!,chandler,well what… y’know what i’m gonna do? i’m gonna go over there; i’m gonna kick his ass!  will you help me?!
joey,"look, chandler i don’t think us getting our asses kicked is a solution. okay? just go and find monica!",chandler,you’re right.
joey,yeah!,chandler,okay.  i’m gonna get the ring! i’m gonna get the ring!  i’m gonna go find her and  i’m just going to propose!
joey,okay.,chandler,okay great.
joey,dude-dude-dude!,chandler,what?!
richard,chandler.,chandler,where is she? i’m not scared of you!
richard,she’s not here and please come in.,chandler,"scotch on the rocks, with a twist, on a coaster? ha-ha, monica! monica!"
richard,"okay, she was here, but she left.",chandler,well where did she go?
richard,well she said she had to think things over.,chandler,"oh my god, i can’t believe this! y’know, i thought…i thought you were a good guy."
richard,"oh, hey look nothing happened.",chandler,nothing happened? nothing? so you didn’t tell my girlfriend that you love her?
richard,"well all right, one thing happened?",chandler,y’know what? i can’t believe this! do you know what you did? my girlfriend is out there thinking things over! you made my girlfriend think!!
richard,well i’m sorry.,chandler,and what does she have to think about? i love her!
richard,"well, apparently i’m willing to offer her things that you are not.",chandler,"but i am willing to offer her all those things. this was just a plan, y’know? a way to throw her off course so that when i offered her all these things, she’d be surprised!"
richard,"well if it helps, it worked very well.",chandler,"it was working until you showed up, you big tree! i mean, this isn’t fair. you had your chance with her! you had your chance and you blew it! and this is my chance and i am not going to blow it because we are meant for each other! and this is all just been one stupid mistake!  i was gonna propose tonight."
richard,you were gonna propose?,chandler,yeah i even  got a ring.  did you get a ring?
richard,"no i don’t have a ring!  you go get her chandler. and can i give you a piece of advice? if you do get her, don’t let her go. trust me.",chandler,y’know richard…you are a good guy.
joey,dude!,chandler,"i can’t talk to you now, i gotta find monica!"
joey,she’s gone.,chandler,what?
joey,she’s gone. she had a bag and she left.,chandler,what are you talking about?
joey,"she was all crying. she-she said you guys want different things, and that and that she needed time to think.",chandler,well why didn’t you stop her?! why didn’t you just tell her it was a plan?!
joey,"i-i did! i told her everything, chandler! but she wouldn’t believe me.",chandler,well where… where did she go?
joey,to her parent’s i think and she said you shouldn’t call her. but if i were you i would.,chandler,i can’t believe i ruined this.
monica,you wanted it to be a surprise.,chandler,oh my god.
monica,chandler… in all my life… i never thought i would be so lucky.  as to…fall in love with my best…my best… there’s a reason why girls don’t do this!,chandler,"okay!  okay! okay! oh god, i thought…  wait a minute, i-i can do this.  i thought that it mattered what i said or where i said it. then i realized the only thing that matters is that you,  you make me happier than i ever thought i could be.  and if you’ll let me, i will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way.  monica, will you marry me?"
monica,"it’s a globe and, a pencil sharpener.",chandler,"hey, does anybody need anything copied? i’m going down to the xerox place."
monica,"oh, no thanks.",chandler,"okay listen, just give me anything i can make two of."
joey,"yeah, are you just going down there to gawk at that hot girl with the belly button ring again?",chandler,yeah! you wanna come?
joey,yeah!,chandler,come on chloe! finish up with your customer first. come on chloe! come on chloe!!
issac,can i help you?,chandler,uh-oh.
issac,"chloe, switch with me, there’s some guys here that got a crush on you.",chandler,"okay, that hurt us."
chloe,hi guys. i haven’t seen you since this morning.,chandler,"well ah, ........yknow."
chloe,"great. i’ll ah, see ya then.",chandler,"all right, rock on."
phoebe,"hey, don’t call him that! his name is spackel back harry!",chandler,"hey, yknow what, maybe we should get going. i mean what time did chloe say we should be there?"
joey,"uh, 10:30.",chandler,what time is it now?
joey,4:30.,chandler,"yeah all right, so we’ll hang out."
joey,"yeah. hey, remember when she brought up that thing about the three of us?",chandler,yes. vividly.
joey,she was kidding about that right?,chandler,"yeah, i-i-i think so.  yeah, i-i think so..."
joey,"god, that would be weird it that situation presented itself tonight, huh?",chandler,"yeah. yeah, i mean what, what would we do?"
joey,"dude, i don’t know.",chandler,she was kidding.
joey,yeah.,chandler,"she was.... but yknow what, just in case, maybe we should come up with a set of ground rules."
joey,"yeah, for sure. okay. probably want the first thing to be, never open your eyes. yknow, because you don’t want to be doing something and then look up and see something you don’t want to be seeing.",chandler,"yeah. good call, nice one. hold it!! hold it! what if me eyes are closed, and, and my hand is out there...."
joey,"ah!! okay! eyes open at all times! oh, hey, how do we decide where we...  yknow each would,  yknow  be?",chandler,"right. right. well ah, yknow we could flip for it."
joey,"yeah, i guess, but what’s like heads and what’s tails?",chandler,"well it you don’t know that, then i don’t want to do this with you."
chloe,"i want you to met some friends of mine.  this guy is my hero, he comes in with some stuff he wants it blown up 400%, we said we don’t do that, and he says you gotta. and yknow what, we did it. and now anytime anybody wants 400, we just say ‘let’s ross it!’",chandler,and that’s the only colour that comes in.
chloe,oh!,chandler,"so, what are you doing here? i thought tonight was your big anniversary dinner."
ross,"what can i do? one person wants to break-up, you break-up.",chandler,"hey, no way! come on, this is you guys, call her and work it out."
ross,"oh come on, we just had this huge fight, all right, don’t i have to wait a while?",chandler,"hey, this isn’t like swimming after you eat, pick up the phone!!"
joey,"yeah, tell that to my uncle lenny.",chandler,why? what happened to him?
joey,"ahh, alright, alright, alright, i was young and i just wanted a job, ok. but at the last minute i couldnt go through with it so they let me be the guy who comes in to fix the copier but cant cause theres people havin sex on it.",chandler,"why yes ross, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of narnia."
phoebe,"um, im gonna go meet duncan, hes skating tonight at the garden, hes in the capades.",chandler,"no, no the gravel capades. yeah, the turns arent as fast but when snoopy falls. . . funny."
phoebe,"sparkly. so, wow, this is pretty wonerful, huh. mr. major capades guy. i, i remember when you were just, like, king friday in mr. rogers ice is nice.",chandler,"sorry, you had a paleontologist on your face. but, uh, its gone now, youre alright."
rachel,"ohh, im gonna miss that big old squishy butt.",chandler,and were done with the chicken fried rice.
joey,"hey, yeah! then we could do that telephone thing! yknow, you have a can, we have a can and its connected by a string!",chandler,or we can do the actual telephone thing.
phoebe,and then. i would use yknow the strongest tool at my disposal. my sexuality.,chandler,hello children!
phoebe,"okay, watch, learn, and dont eat my cookie.",chandler,hey.
phoebe,"hey! ooh, wow that jacket looks great on you!",chandler,really?
phoebe,yeah the material feels so soft—hello mr. bicep! have you been working out?,chandler,"well, i try to yknow, squeeze things.  are you okay?"
phoebe,"well, if you really wanna know, im—oh! i cant tell you this.",chandler,"phoebe, its me. you can tell me anything."
phoebe,well actually youre the one person i cant tell this too. and the one person i want to the most.,chandler,whats going on?
monica,you are so cute! how did you get to be so cute?,chandler,"well, my grandfather was swedish and my grandmother was actually a tiny little bunny."
monica,"okay, now youre even cuter!!",chandler,yknow that is a popular opinion today i must say.
monica,what?,chandler,"the weirdest thing happened at the coffee house, i think, i think phoebe was hitting on me."
monica,what are you talking about?,chandler,im telling you i think phoebe thinks im foxy.
monica,thats not possible!,chandler,ow!
monica,"im sorry its just, phoebe just always thought you were, you were charming in a, in a sexless kind of way.",chandler,"oh, yknow i-i cant hear that enough."
monica,"im sorry, i think that you just misunderstood her.",chandler,"no, i didnt misunderstand, okay? she was all over me! she touched my bicep for crying out loud!"
monica,this bicep?,chandler,well its not flexed right now!
monica,"hey chandler, wanna do it with me?",chandler,"sure, ill do it with ya."
ross,no.,chandler,that new mountain bike?
ross,well yeah! someone sent us a basket at work once and people went crazy over those little muffins. it was the best day.,chandler,your work makes me sad.
phoebe,bye chandler!   i miss you already.,chandler,"okay, did you see that?! with the inappropriate and the pinching!!"
monica,"actually, i did!",chandler,"okay, so now do you believe that shes attracted to me?"
monica,"ohhh, oh my god! oh my god! she knows about us!",chandler,are you serious?
monica,phoebe knows and shes just trying to freak us out! thats the only explanation for it!,chandler,okay but what about yknow my pinchable butt and my bulging biceps—she knows!
joey,yeah?,chandler,phoebe knows about us!
joey,and rachel. i wouldve told you but they made me promise not to tell!,chandler,oh man!
monica,"oh man, they think they are so slick messing with us! but see they dont know that we know that they know! so…",chandler,"ahh yes, the messers become the messies!"
phoebe,oh?  hello you.,chandler,"hello phoebe, ive been thinking about you all day."
phoebe,eh?,chandler,"well you know that thing you said before, id be lying if i said i wasnt intrigued."
phoebe,really?,chandler,"yeah, listen, joey isnt gonna be here tonight so why dont you come over and ill let you uh, feel my bicep. or maybe more."
monica,"look at them, theyre-theyre panicked!",chandler,"oh yeah, theyre totally gonna back down!"
phoebe,"so chandler, i-id love to come by tonight.",chandler,really?
phoebe,"oh absolutely. shall we say, around seven?",chandler,yes.
monica,"all right, itll be great! you just make her think you wanna have sex with her! itll totally freak her out!",chandler,"okay, listen, how far am i gonna have to go with her?"
monica,"relax, she-shes gonna give in way before you do!",chandler,how do you know?!
monica,because youre on my team! and my team always wins!,chandler,at this?!
phoebe,"oh now, dont give away the farm!",chandler,phoebe.
phoebe,chandler.,chandler,come on in.
phoebe,"i was going too.  umm, i brought some wine. would you like some?",chandler,sure.
phoebe,"so, here we are. nervous?",chandler,me? no. you?
phoebe,"no, i want this to happen.",chandler,so do i.
phoebe,"maybe, maybe ill dance for you.",chandler,you look good.
phoebe,"thanks! yknow, that when you say things like that it makes me wanna rip that sweater vest right off!",chandler,"well, why dont we move this into the bedroom?"
phoebe,really?,chandler,"oh, do you not want to?"
phoebe,"no. no! its just yknow first, i wanna take off all my clothes and have you rub lotion on me.",chandler,well that would be nice. ill go get the lotion.
monica,shes bluffing!,chandler,"look, shes not backing down! she went like this!"
monica,you go back out there and you seduce her till she cracks!,chandler,"okay, give me a second!  did you clean up in here?"
monica,of course.,chandler,"oh, youre-youre going?"
phoebe,"umm, not without you, lover.  so, this is my bra.",chandler,"its very, very nice. well, come here. im very were gonna be having all the sex."
phoebe,you should be. im very bendy.  im gonna kiss you now.,chandler,not if i kiss you first.
phoebe,ooh.,chandler,"well, i guess theres nothing left for us to do but-but kiss."
phoebe,here it comes. our first kiss.,chandler,okay! okay! okay! you win! you win!! i cant have sex with ya!
phoebe,and why not?!,chandler,because im in love with monica!!
phoebe,youre-youre what?!,chandler,"love her! thats right, i…love…her!!! i love her!!  i love you, monica."
joey,dude!,chandler,and hats off to phoebe. quite a competitor.  and might i say your breasts are still showing.
monica,"well actually, ross doesnt.",chandler,"yes, and wed appreciate it if no one told him yet."
monica,oh my god!,chandler,relax! well just get her some antacids.
monica,she doesnt have a stomach-ache. shes in labor!,chandler,oh my god!
monica,"breathe, breathe, breathe... good.",chandler,"next time, can i say breathe?"
monica,"alright, ill be right back.",chandler,where are you going?
monica,to use the bathroom.,chandler,you cant leave me alone with her.
monica,what?,chandler,this is exactly the kind of social situation that i am not comfortable with!
monica,what kind of social situation are you comfortable with?,chandler,"its just that weve never spent any time, you know, alone together."
monica,"youll be fine. nah, you wont, but ill be back in two minutes.",chandler,okay.
erica,i dont know. maybe church-camp?,chandler,"hah. may not wanna mention this. so, you ever wonder which is worse, you know; going through labor or getting kicked in the nuts?"
erica,what?,chandler,"well, its just interesting. you know, because no one will ever know, because no one can experience both."
erica,help me! this hurts!,chandler,is it really that bad?
monica,"oh! oh my god! that is the most beautiful top of a head i have ever seen! chandler, you have to see this!",chandler,im okay.
monica,"chandler, you dont wanna miss this. this is the birth of your child! its the miracle of life!",chandler,"alright. wow, that is one disgusting miracle."
monica,its a... its a boy!,chandler,wow!
monica,"oh, you did it!",chandler,its a baby! a beautiful little baby! and some other stuff im gonna pretend i dont see.
doctor,would you like to cut the umbilical cord?,chandler,"well, thats spongy."
monica,"oh, hey handsome! oh, im gonna love you so much that no woman is ever gonna be good enough for you!  oh, we are so lucky!",chandler,i know. he has your eyes.
nurse,well just get him cleaned up a bit.,chandler,okay.
erica,im really happy for you guys.,chandler,how do you feel?
doctor,"you know its twins, right?",chandler,"oh, yeah! these are the faces of two people in the know!"
doctor,i cant believe you didnt know its twins! this has never happened before.,chandler,"well, gosh. that makes me feel so special and good."
erica,twins actually run in my family.,chandler,interesting!  can i see you for a second?
monica,what do you mean what do we do?,chandler,twins! twins!!
monica,"chandler, youre panicking!",chandler,"uh-huh! join me, wont you?! okay, what do you say we keep one, and then just like have an option on the other one?"
monica,we cant split them up!,chandler,"why not? we could give each of them half a medallion, and then years later, theyll find each other and be reunited. i mean, thats a great day for everybody."
monica,"okay, what if the person who adopts the other one is horrible?",chandler,what if theyre not? what if its adopted by a king?
monica,"yeah, because i hear the king is looking to adopt.",chandler,"monica, we are not ready to have two babies!"
monica,"that doesnt matter! we have waited so long for this. i dont care if its two babies. i dont care if its three babies! i dont care if the entire cast of eight is enough comes out of there! we are taking them home, because they are our children!",chandler,okay. shhh...
monica,okay!,chandler,okay!
doctor,here she comes!,chandler,she? its a girl?
doctor,yeah.,chandler,"well, now we have one of each! and thats enough!"
monica,do you think they recognize each other from in there?,chandler,"maybe. unless theyre like two people who have lived in apartments next to each other for years, and then one day theyre pushed through a vagina and they meet."
erica,bye!,chandler,bye!
erica,okay.,chandler,have fun at church-camp!
monica,"oh, look at these little bunnies!",chandler,i know! you ready to trade?
monica,okay.,chandler,okay.
monica,"alright, lets see..",chandler,we could trade later.
rachel,hi! oh my gosh!,chandler,hey.
monica,"this is a boy,  and thats a girl.",chandler,her name is erica.
joey,"hey, that pregnant girls name was erica.",chandler,yeah. its a shame you two didnt get to spend more time together.
monica,i love you.,chandler,i love you.
joey,this is so cool!,chandler,"i have no idea whats going on, but i am excited!"
joey,"quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, tweet, quack...",chandler,"we were wondering what was taking so long with the gift, but now we understand you were doing this."
joey,"okay, i wanted to surprise you, but for your house-warming gift, i got you a baby-chick and a baby-duck!",chandler,really? you got us a chick and a duck?
joey,"yeah, yeah, they must have jumped off the table, cause now theyre gone!",chandler,"oh, dont worry, well find them."
monica,"actually, im gonna go check on the twins.",chandler,alright.
joey,oh!,chandler,"its okay, its just an egg roll."
joey,just put it on a plate and leave.,chandler,"okay, lets find these birds."
joey,oh! theyre in the table!,chandler,"well, that cant be good!"
joey,we gotta get them out of there!,chandler,how?
joey,"oh, oh! maybe we can lure them out. you know any birdcalls?",chandler,"oh, tons, im quite the woodsman."
joey,"well, maybe we can just tip the table a little.",chandler,"joey, wait! the ball!"
joey,oh god! so what do we do?,chandler,i dont know. maybe we can open this up somehow.
joey,okay.,chandler,no... its all glued together.
joey,does that mean we have to bust it open?,chandler,i dont know. maybe.
joey,oh my god!,chandler,i know! its.. its the foosball table.
joey,"all right, you know what? we dont have a choice. its like i would have said in that sci-fi movie if id gotten the part. those are our men in there, we have to get them out! even if i have to sacrifice the most important thing in my life; my time-machine.",chandler,did that movie ever get made?
joey,"dont worry, you guys, were gonna get you out of there.",chandler,"and were also gonna buy you tiny, bird hearing-aids."
joey,okay. here goes.,chandler,whats the matter?
joey,i need to say goodbye to the table first.,chandler,i understand.
joey,"okay. table, you have given us so many great times. and you guys, jordan, victor, joel... all of you guys. what can i say? you guys make us look good. you wanna say anything?",chandler,"i dont know. except that, for one last time...  good game, good game, good game, good game, good game, good game, good game."
joey,"okay, here we go. i cant do it.",chandler,"well, i cant do it either."
joey,"yeah, theyre stuck inside the table!",chandler,"we have to bust it open, but neither of us can do it!"
monica,alright. my job here is done.,chandler,that was... impressive.
monica,"yeah, they were just slowing me down. alright, i have to get back to the babies. ill see you girls later.",chandler,"sorry about the table, man."
joey,yeah.,chandler,you gonna buy a new one?
joey,probably not. nah. i dont know how much im gonna wanna play after you go.,chandler,"well, at least we got these little guys out."
joey,yeah.,chandler,"aww, we were worried about you! hm. i guess i better get used to things crapping in my hand, huh?"
joey,im gonna miss these little guys. it was nice having birds around again.,chandler,"hey, you know what? maybe we should keep them here with you."
joey,what?,chandler,"yeah, i mean weve got a lot going on right now. and, plus, here theyd have their own room."
joey,i could get a goose!,chandler,"you know, i - i think youre set with the poultry."
joey,"thanks man. did you hear that, you guys? youre gonna get to stay here! and, and its good, you know, cause, cause now you have a reason to come visit.",chandler,"i think there may be another reason. so, awkward hug or lame cool guy handshake?"
monica,"well, thats it. everythings packed.",chandler,"wow, this is weird."
phoebe,"yeah, yeah, he talked to her, but she got on the plane anyway.",chandler,wheres ross?
joey,has it always been purple?,chandler,"look around, you guys. this was your first home. and it was a happy place, filled with love and laughter. but more important, because of rent control, it was a friggin steal!"
monica,"oh, honey, i forgot. i promised treeger that wed leave our keys.",chandler,"oh, okay."
monica,this is harder than i thought it would be.,chandler,"oh, its gonna be okay."
rachel,"okay, should we get some coffee?",chandler,sure. where?  the end
shelley,"hey gorgeous, hows it going?",chandler,dehydrated japanese noodles under fluorescent lights... does it get better than this?
shelley,"question. youre not dating anybody, are you, because i met somebody who would be perfect for you.",chandler,"ah, ysee, perfect might be a problem. had you said co-dependent, or self-destructive..."
shelley,do you want a date saturday?,chandler,yes please.
shelley,"okay. hes cute, hes funny, hes-",chandler,hes a he?
shelley,"well yeah! ...oh god. i- just- i thought- good, shelley. im just gonna go flush myself down the toilet now... okay, goodbye...",chandler,"...couldnt enjoy a cup of noodles after that. i mean, is that ridiculous? can you believe she actually thought that?"
rachel,"um... yeah. well, i mean, when i first met you, yknow, i thought maybe, possibly, you might be...",chandler,you did?
rachel,"yeah, but then you spent phoebes entire birthday party talking to my breasts, so then i figured maybe not.",chandler,"huh. did, uh... any of the rest of you guys think that when you first met me?"
ross,"nono, me neither. although, uh, yknow, back in college, susan sallidor did.",chandler,youre kidding! did you tell her i wasnt?
ross,"no. no, its just cause, uh, i kinda wanted to go out with her too, so i told her, actually, you were seeing bernie spellman... who also liked her, so...",chandler,"well, this is fascinating. so, uh, what is it about me?"
phoebe,"i dunno, cause youre smart, youre funny...",chandler,"ross is smart and funny, dyou ever think that about him?"
all,yeah! right!,chandler,what is it?!
all,yes. absolutely. a quality.,chandler,"oh, oh, a quality, good, because i was worried you guys were gonna be vague about this."
ross,now shes passed.,chandler,"i just have to know, okay. is it my hair?"
mr. geller,id like that.,chandler,"hey, gorgeous."
shelley,"hey. look, im sorry about yesterday, i, um-",chandler,"no, nono, dont- dont worry about it. believe me, apparently other people have made the same mistake."
shelley,oh! okay! phew!,chandler,"so, uh... what do you think it is about me?"
shelley,"i dunno, uh... you just have a-a...",chandler,"...quality, right, great."
shelley,"yknow, its a shame, because you and lowell wouldve made a great couple.",chandler,"lowell? financial services lowell, thats who you saw me with?"
shelley,what? hes cute!,chandler,"well, yeah... sno brian in payroll."
shelley,is brian...?,chandler,"no! uh, i dknow! the point is, if you were gonna set me up with someone, id like to think youd set me up with someone like him."
shelley,"well, i think brians a little out of your league.",chandler,excuse me? you dont think i could get a brian? because i could get a brian. believe you me. ...im really not.
joey,morning. we ready to go?,chandler,"well, dont we look nice all dressed up?...its stuff like that, isnt it?"
joey,what?,chandler,"nothing, just your overcoat sounds remarkably like brent mussberger."
joey,"check it out, giants-cowboys.",chandler,youre watching a football game at a funeral?
joey,"no, its the pre-game. im gonna watch it at the reception.",chandler,"you are a frightening, frightening man."
mrs. geller,"here, sweetie, here. i took these when i had my golfing accident.",chandler,"oh, no-"
andrea,"sorry- hi, im dorothys daughter.",chandler,"hi, im chandler, and i have no idea who dorothy is."
ross,...chandler!,chandler,hey.
ross,"yes, yes, fine, that is my penis. can we be grown-ups now?",chandler,who are those people?
ross,"nono, that would be me again. im, uh, just trying something.",chandler,"hey, lowell."
lowell,"hey, chandler.",chandler,so hows it going there in financial services?
lowell,its like mardi gras without the paper mache heads. how bout you?,chandler,"good, good. listen, heh, i dunno what shelley told you about me, but, uh... im not."
lowell,i know. thats what i told her.,chandler,really.
lowell,yeah.,chandler,so- you can tell?
lowell,"pretty much, most of the time. we have a kind of... radar.",chandler,"so you dont think i have a, a quality?"
lowell,"speaking for my people, id have to say no. by the way, your friend brian from payroll, he is.",chandler,he is?
lowell,"yup, and waaay out of your league.",chandler,"out of my league. i could get a brian.  if i wanted to get a brian, i could get a brian.  hey, brian."
rachel,"of course, id be honored!",chandler,thanks!
joey,"u-u-um, i think theres been an oversight.",chandler,"joey, we wouldve asked you, we just thought you wouldnt be interested."
joey,"thank you! alright, let me see how im gonna start... dear baby adoption decider people...",chandler,so excited about your letter!
phoebe,yeah!,chandler,so you must be going to somewhere fancy to celebrate?
monica,you guys do that? chandler wont even have sex in our bathroom!,chandler,thats where people make number two!!
joey,"hey, finished my recommendation.  here. and i think you’ll be very, very happy. it’s the longest i ever spent on a computer without looking at porn.",chandler,i don’t... uh... understand.
joey,of course it does! it’s smart! i used the the-saurus!,chandler,on every word?
joey,"oh, ‘they are warm, nice, people with big hearts’.",chandler,and that became ‘they are humid prepossessing homo sapiens with full sized aortic pumps...?
monica,"well, because you signed it baby kangaroo tribbiani . hey, why don’t you stop worrying about sounding smart and just be yourself!",chandler,"you know what? you don’t need a thesaurus, just write from here,  your full sized aortic pump."
phoebe,hi. i just had the worst anniversary ever.,chandler,i doubt that! tell her about us last year.
ross,seriously?,chandler,word!
phoebe,"yeah, i really do! yes, but, after i dumped on the way he was gonna propose to me, i don’t think he’s ever gonna ask again! i mean, i said no in barbados and now this!",chandler,shes right! if i were a guy and...  did i just say if i were a guy..?
monica,"i proposed to chandler!  alright, moving on...",chandler,"oh, i dont think it was desperate, i think it was amazing!"
phoebe,"yeah, that does make sense. ok, now, would... would you two  like that?",chandler,sounds good to me... but what would a guy think?
amy,oh! great! so how much does it pay?,chandler,hey joe! hows the second draft of the letter coming?
joey,yeah.,chandler,can we read it? can you print out another copy?
monica,"oh my god, oh my god, that letter is gonna go in our file! were never gonna get a kid. no, were gonna be one of those old couples that collects orchids or has a lot of birds!",chandler,"its ok, its ok. you know what?  ill just call the agency and tell them to throw out the letter."
monica,okay good.,chandler,"hello, this is chandler bing. somebody just dropped off a handwritten recommendation letter, and..  uh-huh... uh-huh... okay... thank you. good-bye. ."
monica,"ugh, were screwed, arent we? you know what? just tell me on the way to the bird store.",chandler,they loved it.
monica,what?,chandler,they thought it was very smart of us to have a child write the recommendation letter.
monica,they thought joey was a child?,chandler,"she guessed 8, 9, based on his drawings."
amy,"ella wanted to go out, so we went shopping and got some sushi.",chandler,that sounds like fun.
amy,"well, if i had told you, then it wouldnt have been surprise, now would it?",chandler,i think she looks cute. ... but i am wrong!
monica,because there are so many terrible sights in this world.,chandler,like war. or that thing in joeys refrigerator. remember? it was in a milk carton but it looked like meat?
amy,o-okay!,chandler,hey! monica can be cool and fun at organized indoor projects!
ross,she barely knows me. we just live in the same building.,chandler,any contact?
ross,hey.,chandler,"come on, ross, you gotta get back in the game here, ok? the rachel things not happening, your ex-wife is a lesbian—i dont think we need a third..."
joey,"yeah, youre gonna go up to her and say, heres your egg back, im returning your egg.",chandler,i think its winning.
ross,i think its insane.,chandler,"shell love it. go with the egg, my friend."
joey,think itll work?,chandler,"no, its suicide. the mans got an egg."
joey,"actually, tomorrow night kinda depends on how tonight goes.",chandler,"oh, uh, listen, about tonight..."
joey,"no, no, no, dont you dare bail on me. the only reason shes goin out with me is because i said i could bring a friend for her friend.",chandler,"yes, i know, but her friend sounds like such a..."
ross,hi. she said yes.,chandler,"yes! way to go, man!  still got the egg, huh?"
joey,how do i look?,chandler,"oh, uh, i... dont... care.  ok, now, remember, no trading. you get the pretty one, i get the mess."
lorraine,"hi, joey. well well, look what you brought. very nice.",chandler,...and what did you bring?
lorraine,"shes checking the coats. joey, im gonna go wash the cab smell off my hands. will you get me a white zinfandel, and a glass of red for janice.",chandler,janice?
janice,oh.... my.... god.,chandler,"hey, its janice."
joey,"no, no, no, dont! ive been waitin for like, forever to go out with lorraine. just calm down.",chandler,calm down? calm down? you set me up with the woman that ive dumped twice in the last five months!
joey,"can you stop yellin? youre makin me nervous, and i cant go when im nervous.",chandler,"im sorry, im sorry, youre right.  come on, do it, do it, go, come on!!!"
janice,"by the way, chandler. i cut you out of all my pictures. so if you want, i have a bag with just your heads.",chandler,thats ok.
joey,we cant do that.,chandler,what? what cant you do?
joey,"uh, we might be leaving now.",chandler,tell me its you and me we.
joey,"she said she wants to slather my body with stuff and then lick it off. im not even sure what slathering is, but i definitely want to be a part of it.",chandler,"ok, you can not do this to me."
joey,"im outta here. heres my credit card. dinners on me. im sorry, chandler.",chandler,i hope she throws up on you.
janice,just us.,chandler,"oh, what a crappy night!"
janice,"although, i have enjoyed the fact that, uh your shirts been stickin outta your zipper ever since you came back from the bathroom.",chandler,excuse me.  how ya doin?
janice,"so, do we have the best friends or what?",chandler,joeys not a friend. hes...a stupid man who left us his credit card. another drink? some dessert? a big screen tv?
janice,i will go for that drink.,chandler,you got it. good woman!  could we get a bottle of your most overpriced champagne?
janice,each.,chandler,"thats right, each. oh, and a uh rob roy.  ive always wanted to know..."
janice,"oh, i miss you already. can you believe this happened?",chandler,"no... no! and yet it did. good-bye, janice."
janice,"hi, monica.",chandler,"ok, well, this was very special."
rachel,"oh my god. janice, hi!",chandler,janice is gonna go away now.
joey,whoa.,chandler,"oh, good, joeys home now."
monica,"hey, rachel, isnt that stuff almost pure...",chandler,how can i dump this woman on valentines day?
joey,i dont know. you dumped her on new years.,chandler,"oh, man. in my next life, im coming back as a toilet brush."
janice,"hello, funny valentine.",chandler,"hi, just janice."
janice,i brought you something.,chandler,"is it loaded? oh, little candy hearts.  chan and jan forever."
janice,i had them made special.,chandler,"ok, janice. janice. hey, janice. look, theres no way for me to tell you this. at least theres no new way for me to tell you this. i just dont things are gonna work out."
janice,thats fine.,chandler,it is?
janice,mmm-hmm. because i know that this isnt the end.,chandler,"oh no, you see, actually it is."
janice,"no, it isnt, because you wont let that happen. dont you know it yet? you love me, chandler bing.",chandler,"oh, no i dont."
janice,well then ask yourself this. why do you think we keep ending up together? new years? who invited who? valentines? who asked who into whose bed?,chandler,"i did, but..."
janice,"you seek me out. something deep in your soul calls out to me like a foghorn. janice, janice. you want me. you need me. you cant live without me. and you know it. you just dont know you know it. see ya.",chandler,call me!
joey,what is that?,chandler,treeger’s snaking the shower drain.
joey,maybe he found you flip-flop.,chandler,hey!
joey,whoa! is this porn? what did i do? i must’ve hit something on the remote.,chandler,do we pay for this?
joey,"no, we didn’t even pay our cable bill—maybe this is how they punish us.",chandler,maybe we shouldn’t pay our phone bill—free phone sex.
mr. treeger,"whoa, hey, that lady’s all kinds of naked.",chandler,"yeah, joey just pressed something on the remote and it just, came on!"
mr. treeger,"yeah, it happened to me once. i was just flipping through the channels and bam! it was like finding money.",chandler,like finding money with naked people on it!
joey and chandler,oh no-no-no-no!,chandler,we don’t know what could make this go away.
joey,"yeah, so no one touches the remote. and no one touches the tv!",chandler,and no one touches the air around the tv!
joey and chandler,oh no-no-no!,chandler,we still have porn.
phoebe,"ohh, i’m getting too pregnant for this, lugging around a stupid massage table. y’know, i have to find a job where i carrying a smaller table.",chandler,or a job where you don’t have to carry a table.
rachel,what’s that song? it has been in my head all day long.,chandler,it’s the theme from good will humping.
rachel,"no, he told me. he prefers to leave certain things to the imagination.",chandler,"oh-oh, yeah, and did he also say that ah, some of the dialogue was corny and that he actually found it was funny and not sexy?"
phoebe,"well, frank has to quit college because his super fertile sister is having three babies! i need to make a lot of money really fast, and i had an idea that i want to talk to you  about, ‘cause you work for a big company. okay, insider trading, what information is there that you can give me.",chandler,they don’t really talk to us about that kind of stuff. i can get you some free white out though.
ross,"she said, thank you. i said, i love you. and she said, thank you.",chandler,"whoa-whoa, wait a minute, did you say, you love her?"
joey,then you go to tokyo.,chandler,"all right look, forget it, forget it. you told her you love her, it’s over."
monica,it is not over! you’re over!,chandler,what?
monica,you know!,chandler,okay.  good one.
rachel,hey!,chandler,"hi! listen, can we watch cartoons on your television? we need a porn break. we spent the last two hours watching in & out & in, again."
rachel,"well, so, why don’t you just turn it off?",chandler,because then we would be the guys who turned off free porn.
phoebe,"oh this, well i’m glad you asked.  now, don’t you hate it when you have to cut a tin can with an ordinary steak knife?  ahh! now, i know what you’re thinking…",chandler,pregnant woman slays four?
phoebe,"no-no, i know that, but i just have to make enough money for the second part of my plan.",chandler,what’s the second part of your plan?
ross,"i’m not proving anything. okay, i’m done listening to you. if i hadn’t let you talk me into going to the airport in the first place, i never would’ve put my fist through the wall!",chandler,you put your fist through the wall?
phoebe,"okay. you know how people need transportation, but they also need massages to help them relax so i just figured we could combine the two, okay, i give the massages and frank drives! i can fix up the van, bolt the table in the back, and you know what i’ve got?",chandler,a place where no one will ever get out alive?
phoebe,"oh, that is better.",chandler,are we in london?
ross,ohh! thank you.,chandler,hey.
joey,hey.,chandler,"i was just at the bank, and there was this really hot teller, and she didn’t ask me to go do it with her in the vault."
joey,"same kind of thing happened to me! woman pizza delivery guy come over, gives me the pizza, takes the money, and leaves!",chandler,"what, no, nice apartment, i bet the bedrooms are huge?"
joey,noo! nothing!,chandler,"y’know what, we have to turn off the porn."
joey,i think you’re right.,chandler,"all right, ready?"
joey,one.,chandler,two.
joey,that’s kinda nice.,chandler,"yeah, that’s kinda a relief."
joey,yeah.,chandler,you wanna see if we still have it?
joey,yeah.,chandler,free porn!!!
joey,yeah!!,chandler,we have free porn here!!!
ross,"chandler!!! chandler!!!  chandler, i saw what you were doing through the window! chandler, i saw what you were doing to my sister! now get out here!",chandler,"wow! listen, we had a good run. what was it? four? five months? i mean, thats more than most people have in a lifetime! so, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then!"
monica,what are you doing?!,chandler,"oh, im going on the lamb."
rachel,"hey, whats-whats going on?!",chandler,"well, i think, i think ross knows about me and monica."
ross,"i thought you were my best friend, this is my sister! my best friend and my sister! i-i cannot believe this!",chandler,"look, were not just messing around! i love her. okay, im in love with her."
ross,"hey, you know what i just realized? if you guys ever have kids…",chandler,whoa-whoa-whoa! were having kids?!
monica,"guys, youre a few steps ahead of us.",chandler,"yeah, big zero gravity moon steps."
monica,"i know what you need, you need a bodyguard. hey ross, what is ben doing after preschool?",chandler,"hey listen, come on, joey is having a problem! a little girl is beating him up."
ross,"…so then president steve told everyone that i was a cheapskate, and now the whole building hates me! a little kid spit on my knee! yknow what im gonna do? im gonna throw a party. thats right. for everyone in the building, and im gonna sit them down and explain to them, i am not a bad guy. i am not a cheap guy! im just a guy who-who stands up for what he believes in. a man with principles.",chandler,sounds like a fun party.
rachel,and that crazy party animal will be your brother-in-law.,chandler,"very, very funny, but dont say things like that in front of monica. i dont want you putting any ideas in her head."
rachel,"umm, chandler, you do realize that those ideas are probably already in monicas head.",chandler,wh-wh-why?!
rachel,"well, because she loves you and because you love her.",chandler,"yeah, so, whats that supposed to mean?!"
rachel,"hey, chandler, dont freak out! im telling you something you already know! come on, she broke up with richard because he didnt want to have babies. and shes a woman, and shes almost 30, and yknow its monica.",chandler,"i dont see it that way. okay? because, i see two monicas, the one that was my friend, who lived across the hall, and wanted to have a lot of babies and then the new monica, who i just started to date. now, whos to say what she wants?! i’m right. im right. am i right?"
rachel,"no, youre right, you are absolutely right. i mean that makes, that makes everything different.",chandler,"okay. its not different at all, is it?"
monica,isnt this great?,chandler,hmm.
monica,couldnt you just stay like this forever? chandler! couldnt you just stay here forever?,chandler,"yeah, here, somewhere else, yknow where-where ever."
monica,are you okay?,chandler,"yeah, im cool. casual."
monica,what-what are you doing?,chandler,"im just hanging out. yknow, having fun. yknow with the girl that im seeing casually."
monica,"man, i knew it! i knew you were going to do this!!",chandler,what?!
monica,get all freaked out because everybody was talking and just joking around about marriage and stuff.,chandler,"well, you do want all that stuff, right?"
monica,oh and you know what i want!,chandler,yes! you want babies! you have baby fever!
monica,i do not have baby fever!,chandler,"oh please, you are obsessed with babies and-and marriage and everything thats related to babies and-and marriage! ive got an idea, why dont we turn down the heat on this pressure cooker?!"
monica,"have you lost your mind? chandler, this isnt about me! this is about you and all your weird relationship commitment crap!",chandler,nah-uh! i know you! okay? i know the thoughts that you have in the head--in your head!
monica,you dont know everything. did you know that im going out with rachel tonight instead of you? hmm? and did you know that the only baby around here is you?! and did you know that i cant even look at you right now?!,chandler,"well, i did not know that."
ross and joey,"oh yeah, yeah, sure. absolutely.",chandler,by me?
monica,"gunther, can i get a coffee  to go?",chandler,monica.
monica,im still not done not wanting to talk to you.,chandler,just tell me what i need to do to make things right.
monica,what?!,chandler,"well, thats what we do. yknow, i-i mess up and then you tell me how to fix it and then i do and then yknow you think im all cute again."
ross,"oh wow, yeah! see, i did not get that.",chandler,wheres monica?! where is she? i need to talk to her! its urgent! is she here?
monica,im monica.,chandler,"i need to talk to you, its urgent!"
monica,okay.,chandler,"okay, ive been doing a lot of thinking about us, yknow a lot of uhh, us thinking. and uh, well i guess theres only one-one way to do this."
monica,wait what-wh-wh-what are you doing?!,chandler,monica…
monica,"no-no, dont-dont-dont do it!",chandler,will you marry me?
monica,"chandler, why are you doing this?",chandler,i dont know. but i know im not afraid to do this.
monica,chandler.,chandler,im doing this because im sorry?
monica,"do you umm, you really think the best reason to get married is because youre sorry?",chandler,"no, the best reason to get married is pregnancy. sorry is pretty much fourth yknow, behind being ready and actually wanting to get married.  will you be my wife?"
monica,"chandler, umm, i want you to take just a minute and i want you to think about how ridiculous this sounds.",chandler,"yeah, im kinda wishing everyone wasnt here right now."
monica,honey! do you know that none of that stuff came from me?! i mean i never said i wanted to have babies and get married right now!,chandler,"yeah i know, but i was really confused and then i talked to these guys."
monica,"yknow what? yknow when i said that i want you to deal with this relationship stuff all on your own? well, youre not ready for that.",chandler,i didnt think i was!
monica,"oh my god, what would have done if i said yes?",chandler,"well i wouldve been happy because i wouldve be able to spend the rest of my life with the woman that i love. or, you wouldve seen a chandler shaped hole in that door.  ending credits"
rachel,"oh no wait pheebs, i think for something like that you just ask them to move in with you. but im not sure, chandler?",chandler,"okay, how long is this going to go on."
ross,"this is fun. hey rach, remember that whole we were on a break thing? well, im sorry, will you marry me?",chandler,thats not funny.
joey,"cmon, youre going out with the guy! theres gotta be something wrong with him!",chandler,"all right joey, be nice. so does he have a hump? a hump and a hairpiece?"
monica,"okay, everybody relax. this is not even a date. its just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex.",chandler,sounds like a date to me.
all,"oh, yeah. had that dream.",chandler,"then i look down, and i realize theres a phone... there."
joey,instead of...?,chandler,thats right.
phoebe,no.,chandler,"all of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. now i dont know what to do, everybody starts looking at me."
monica,and they werent looking at you before?!,chandler,"finally, i figure id better answer it, and it turns out its my mother, which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me!"
ross,"i just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck...",chandler,cookie?
ross,"no!! okay?! why does everyone keep fixating on that? she didnt know, how should i know?",chandler,sometimes i wish i was a lesbian...  did i say that out loud?
ross,"i dont want to be single, okay? i just... i just- i just wanna be married again!",chandler,and i just want a million dollars!
monica,"now im guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ, and shes really not happy about it.",chandler,tuna or egg salad? decide!
phoebe,"if i let go of my hair, my head will fall off.",chandler,"ooh, she should not be wearing those pants."
joey,"what, like theres a rule or something?",chandler,"please dont do that again, its a horrible sound."
monica,yes!,chandler,"ooh, this is a dear diary moment."
all,hey! paul! hi! the wine guy! hey!,chandler,"im sorry, i didnt catch your name. paul, was it?"
ross,"right, youre not even getting your honeymoon, god.. no, no, although, aruba, this time of year... talk about your-  -big lizards... anyway, if you dont feel like being alone tonight, joey and chandler are coming over to help me put together my new furniture.",chandler,"yes, and were very excited about it."
joey,im thinking weve got a bookcase here.,chandler,its a beautiful thing.
joey,whats this?,chandler,i would have to say that is an l-shaped bracket.
joey,which goes where?,chandler,i have no idea.
joey,done with the bookcase!,chandler,all finished!
joey,"hey-hey-hey-hey, if youre gonna start with that stuff were outta here.",chandler,"yes, please dont spoil all this fun."
ross,you guys.,chandler,"oh, god."
joey,you got screwed.,chandler,oh my god!
joey,shut up!,chandler,you must stop!
ross,that only took me an hour.,chandler,"look, ross, you gotta understand, between us we havent had a relationship that has lasted longer than a mento. you, however have had the love of a woman for four years. four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we dont do it! i dont think that was my point!"
joey,"great story! but, i uh, i gotta go, i got a date with andrea--angela--andrea... oh man,",chandler,"angelas the screamer, andrea has cats."
rachel,"isnt this amazing? i mean, i have never made coffee before in my entire life.",chandler,that is amazing.
rachel,"yknow, i figure if i can make coffee, there isnt anything i cant do.",chandler,"if can invade poland, there isnt anything i cant do."
rachel,"hello, paul.",chandler,"hi, paul, is it?"
all,okayyy!,chandler,"all right, kids, i gotta get to work. if i dont input those numbers,... it doesnt make much of a difference..."
joey,"look, it was a job all right?",chandler,"look, gippetto, im a real live boy."
joey,i will not take this abuse.,chandler,"youre right, im sorry.  once i was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy..."
rachel,are you kidding? im trained for nothing! i was laughed out of twelve interviews today.,chandler,and yet youre surprisingly upbeat.
rachel,"you would be too if you found john and david boots on sale, fifty percent off!",chandler,"oh, how well you know me..."
all,"cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut..",chandler,"yknow, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream."
rachel,would anybody like more coffee?,chandler,"did you make it, or are you just serving it?"
all,"yeah. yeah, ill have a cup of coffee.",chandler,"kids, new dream... im in las vegas."
rachel,"ugh.  excuse me, could you give this to that guy over there?  go ahead.  thank you.  sorry. okay, las vegas.",chandler,"okay, so, im in las vegas... im liza minelli-"
joey,"oh, and then monica joked that she wouldn’t go out with a guy like chandler...",chandler,hi there.
monica,shoot! we’re out of soda.,chandler,"oh, i’ll go out and get you some."
monica,really?!,chandler,"nope! because i’m not your boyfriend.  hey pheebs, how did it go?"
phoebe,"well, umm, my mom’s friend, phoebe, is actually my birth mom.",chandler,i found a dried up seashores.
rachel,i know.,chandler,"all right, there’s a nuclear holocaust, i’m the last man on earth. would you go out with me?"
monica,ennnh.,chandler,i’ve got canned goods.
joey,"hey, you guys! take a look at this!  check this baby out, dug me a hole!",chandler,"excellent hole, joe."
monica,"jellyfish sting! oh, it hurts! it hurts!! it hurts!!",chandler,"well, can we help?! you want us to take you back to the house?!"
monica,oh damn the jellyfish. damn all the jellyfish!,chandler,we’ve got to do something!
joey,"don’t blame me, i saw it on the discovery channel.",chandler,"yknow what, he’s right. there’s something like uh, ammonia in that, that like kills the pain."
monica,nothing. i’m gonna take a shower.,chandler,me too!!
ross,"she wants me to take responsibility for everything that went wrong in our relationship. i mean she goes on for five pages about, about how i was unfaithful to her!   we were on a break!!!!!",chandler,"oh my god! if you say that one more time, i’m gonna break up with you!"
joey,no?,chandler,"look, ross, you have what you want, you’re back with rachel. if you bring this up now you’re gonna wreck the best thing that even happened to you."
joey,nope.,chandler,hey! phoebe! we can talk to phoebe!!
phoebe,no. i’m-i’m to depressed to talk.,chandler,i’ll give you a thousand dollars to talk to us.
monica,"no! joey, we swore we’d never tell!",chandler,they’ll never understand!
monica,all right!! all right.  i got stung. stung bad. i couldn’t stand. i-i couldn’t walk.,chandler,we were two miles from the house. scared and alone. we didn’t think we could make it.
joey,and i was tired from digging the huge hole!,chandler,and then joey remembered something.
joey,"that’s right i stepped up! she’s my friend and she needed help! and if i had too, i’d pee on anyone of you! only, uhh, i couldn’t. i got the stage fright. i wanted to help, but there was too much pressure. so-so i uh, i turned to chandler.",chandler,"joey kept screaming at me, “do it now! do it!! do it! do it now!!” sometimes late at night i can still here the screaming."
ross,we were on a break!!!!!!!,chandler,coffee house?
rachel,"and hey! just so you know, it’s not that common! it doesn’t happen to every guy! and it is a big deal!!",chandler,i knew it!!!!
monica,gin.,chandler,"we were playing gin? yknow if we were a couple, we could play this game naked."
monica,will you stop!,chandler,okay. all right.
monica,"okay, all right, i think you’re great, i think you’re sweet, and you’re smart, and i love you. but you will always be the guy who peed on me.",chandler,buh-bye.  i just got us reservations at michelle’s and tickets to the musicman to celebrate our first holiday season as a betroughed couple.
monica,betrothed…,chandler,…betrothed couple.
phoebe,hey!,chandler,hey!
phoebe,haaaa...  ... ahhhh!,chandler,pheebs?
phoebe,huh?,chandler,skull?
monica,no.,chandler,how long have we been home?
monica,about a half an hour.,chandler,lovely!
monica,no.,chandler,why not?
phoebe,"oh, hey, you guys!",chandler,hey!
phoebe,"yes, you will be very sad. all right, well i gotta go tell rachel the good news.",chandler,ohh! you guys gonna be living together again?
phoebe,"yeah, why not?",chandler,"well, shes just so much fun with joey, i just assumed, shed still be living with him."
phoebe,"why do you think, shes having so much fun living with joey?",chandler,"no reason, except…she…told…me."
phoebe,"really? so she said, she didn’t wanna live with me anymore?",chandler,"no! no, she didnt say that. i-i-i think you should talk to monica now."
phoebe,"probably? yeah, i dont like that word.  kind of what ‘probably’ really means. yeah, uh-huh. yeah, oh, your mom probably wont kill herself, y’know? im sorry, but im not hanging all my hopes of rachel and i living together on-on probably! y’know? you gotta take care of yourselves!  in this world history teaches us nothing!",chandler,"bing doesnt seem so weird now, does it?"
joey,no! drums!,chandler,"hi, could we get two burritos to go, please?"
maitre d,"oh-kay, well have a table for you in about 45 minutes.",chandler,forty-five minutes? we have tickets to the musicman at 8:00.
maitre d,"im sorry. christmas is a very busy time, sir.",chandler,is this because of the burrito thing?
monica,you need to give him money.,chandler,give him money? it was a joke!
monica,"no, to get a table! places like are always shakin’ you down. everybody wants to be paid off.",chandler,"right, calm down, omally. ill slip him some money."
monica,youve got to be smooth about it.,chandler,"hey, i can be smooth. listen, were a little bit in a hurry, so, if you can get us a table a little quicker, id appreciate it."
maitre d,"of course, sir.",chandler,okay.
monica,how did it go?,chandler,had the money in the wrong hand.
monica,"its easy! just keep it casual! give him a kind word, shake his hand and give him the money!",chandler,how do you know so much about this?
monica,i dont know.,chandler,"richard used to do it, didnt he?"
monica,wed be eating our soup right now.,chandler,mustached bastard…
monica,"okay, those people just left, come on! quick! give him the money and get their table!",chandler,excuse me...
male guest,good evening.,chandler,ahh-hahaha!
gunther,here you go.,chandler,"thank you gunther, put it there.  definitely not easier with coins.  thank you."
joey,here.  now i only owe you $49.50.,chandler,hey pheebs!
phoebe,hey!,chandler,"if you wanna give joey a christmas present that disrupts the entire building, why not get him something a little bit more subtle, like a wrecking ball, or a vile of small pox to release in the hallway?"
ross,years and years ago there were these people called the maccabees...,chandler,"ho, ho, ho! merry christmas!"
ben,santa!,chandler,hey!
ross,"what are you doing here, santa?",chandler,"well, im here to see my old buddy ben. what are you doing here, weird…turtle-man?"
ross,"im the holiday armadillo, your part-jewish friend. you sent me here to give ben some presents. remember?",chandler,what?
ben,"did you bring me any presents, santa?",chandler,"you bet i did, ben, put it there!   well, it would have worked this time, if his hands werent so damn small!  ho, ho, ho!"
ross,what are you doing?,chandler,"you called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a santa costume, so i borrowed one from a guy at work!"
ross,"thank you, but, but you gotta leave.",chandler,why?
ross,"because, im finally getting him excited about hanukkah, and, and youre-you’re wrecking it.",chandler,but i didnt get to shape my belly like a bowl full of jelly.
ross,"im sorry, chandler but this, this is really important to me.",chandler,"fine, ill give the suit back."
monica,"hey, you think, you can keep it another night?",chandler,santa? really?
monica,"yes, is that okay?",chandler,did your dad ever dress up like santa?
monica,no.,chandler,then its okay!
ben,no! why does he have to go?,chandler,"because, if santa and the holiday…armadillo?  ...are ever in the same room for too long the universe will implode. merry christmas!"
ross,"fine, i-i give up. santa, santa can stay.",chandler,"well, ill stay, but only because i wanna hear about hanukkah. ben, will you sit here with santa and learn about hanukkah?"
ross,yeah?,chandler,my favorite part was when superman flew all the jews out of egypt.
monica,do you realize that four weeks from today we’re getting married? four weeks baby!! four weeks!!!,chandler,do you realize you get louder each week?
monica,there’s still so much to do. have you written your vows yet?,chandler,"i figured i’d buy those. pat, i’d like to buy a vow."
monica,"sweetie, you know i have no sense of humor when it comes to the wedding.",chandler,"right. so uh, have you written yours yet?"
monica,no! but i know exactly what i’m going to say.,chandler,do you happen to know what i’m going to say?
monica,let’s just do it right now. okay? it won’t be hard. just say what’s in your heart.,chandler,"look at her go! she must love me more than i love her! what’s wrong with me? ooh, don’t open that door."
ross,"well with carol, i promised never to love another woman until the day i die. she made no such promise.",chandler,"i’m so pathetic! monica knows what she wants to say! you should’ve seen her. writing, writing, writing!"
ross,"well, why don’t you just start with something simple. like umm, monica from the moment i met you, i knew i loved you.",chandler,"yeah, i’m not sure i can do that."
fat monica,"hi, im rosss little sister.",chandler,okay.
rachel,"okay. okay. okay. umm, maybe you can start with, chandler, even though we were friends; there was a part of me that always knew i wanted more.",chandler,"all right, there’s a nuclear holocaust, i’m the last man on earth. would you go out with me?"
monica,"now everybody knows the basic erogenous zones.  you got one, two three, four , five, six, and seven!",chandler,there are seven?!  that’s one?
monica,it’s kind of an important one!,chandler,"oh, y’know-y’know what, i was looking at it upside down."
joey,"oh, i got it! how about saying something like, monica…",chandler,monica…
joey,…when i look back over our time together…,chandler,yeah?
monica,no fair. i dont even have one. how come they get two?,chandler,youll get one.
monica,oh yeah? when?,chandler,"all right. ill tell you what. when were 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and i get together and have one?"
monica,why wont i be married when im 40?,chandler,"oh, no, no. i just meant hypothetically."
monica,"ok, hypothetically, why wont i be married when im 40?",chandler,"no, no, no."
monica,what is it? is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me?,chandler,"uh, uh."
monica,well?,chandler,dear god! this parachute is a knapsack!
monica,do you think he knew i was here?,chandler,nice try.
monica,"wait, wait, wait!",chandler,"look, monica…"
monica,look!,chandler,this is not going to work.
monica,i bet this will work!,chandler,you are so great! i love you!
monica,what?,chandler,"nothing! i said, i said youre so great and then i just, i just stopped talking!"
monica,you said you loved me! i cant believe this!,chandler,no i didnt!
monica,"yes, you did!",chandler,no i didnt!
monica,you love me!,chandler,no i dont! stop it! stop it! stop it! stop it!
monica,then all your stuff would be here.,chandler,"well, what if all my stuff was here?"
monica,"then you’d be going back and forth all the time, i mean it doesn’t make any sense.",chandler,okay. what if we lived together and you understand what i’m saying?
monica,you wanted it to be a surprise.,chandler,oh my god.
monica,chandler… in all my life… i never thought i would be so lucky.  as to…fall in love with my best…my best… there’s a reason why girls don’t do this!,chandler,"okay!  okay! okay! ill do it! oh god, i thought…  wait a minute, i-i can do this.  i thought that it mattered what i said or where i said it. then i realized the only thing that matters is that you,  you make me happier than i ever thought i could be.  and if you’ll let me, i will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way.  monica, will you marry me?"
joey,"hey, its me! im comin in!",chandler,"ive had a very long, hard day."
joey,"ahh, im gonna go get some chicken. want some?",chandler,"ahh, no thanks. no chicken, bye-bye then."
joey,okay.,chandler,"are you okay? im so sorry, he wouldnt leave. he kept asking me about chicken."
monica,chicken? i could eat some chicken.,chandler,hey joe!
joey,how?! when?!,chandler,it happened in london.
joey,in london!!!,chandler,the reason we didnt tell anyone was because we didnt want to make a big deal out of it.
joey,but it is a big deal!! i have to tell someone!,chandler,no-no-no-no-no! you cant!
monica,i cant wait to be with you! ill just tell rachel im gonna be doing laundry for a couple of hours.,chandler,laundry. huh. is that my new nickname?
phoebe,bye chandler!   i miss you already.,chandler,"okay, did you see that?! with the inappropriate and the pinching!!"
monica,"actually, i did!",chandler,"okay, so now do you believe that shes attracted to me?"
monica,"ohhh, oh my god! oh my god! she knows about us!",chandler,phoebe knows about us!
monica,"oh man, they think they are so slick messing with us! but see they dont know that we know that they know! so…",chandler,"ahh yes, the messers become the messies!"
joey,i couldnt even if i wanted too.,chandler,"listen, this is totally getting out of hand! okay? she wants me to put lotion on her!"
monica,shes bluffing!,chandler,"look, shes not backing down! she went like this!"
monica,you go back out there and you seduce her till she cracks!,chandler,"okay, give me a second!  did you clean up in here?"
monica,of course.,chandler,"oh, youre-youre going?"
phoebe,"umm, not without you, lover.  so, this is my bra.",chandler,"its very, very nice. well, come here. im very happy were gonna have all the sex."
phoebe,you should be. im very bendy.  im gonna kiss you now.,chandler,not if i kiss you first.
phoebe,ooh.,chandler,"well, i guess theres nothing left for us to do but-but kiss."
phoebe,here it comes. our first kiss.,chandler,okay! okay! okay! you win! you win!! i cant have sex with ya!
phoebe,and why not?!,chandler,because im in love with monica!!
phoebe,youre-youre what?!,chandler,"love her! thats right, i…love…her!!! i love her!!  i love you, monica."
monica,"well actually, ross doesnt.",chandler,"yes, and wed appreciate it if no one told him yet."
ross,"yes, yes, fine, that is my penis. can we be grown-ups now?",chandler,who are those people?
joey,hey.,chandler,what’s going on?
monica,oh that’s so sweet.,chandler,so we both finished our vows.
monica,chandler!!,chandler,"don’t worry honey, we’ll make yours funnier. ending credits"
joey,i have never known love like this.,chandler,you really like it?
ross,dude! how-how did you write this?,chandler,i stole monica’s and changed the name.
joey,"no, not that one. were trying to figure out who to bring to the knicks game tonight, we have an extra ticket.",chandler,"yeah, ross cant go so its between my friend eric prower who has breath issues"
richard,"wow. well being a huge knicks fan myself, i think you should take someone whos a huge knicks fan.",chandler,"i dont know, richards really nice and everything, uh,"
joey,"yeah right after we stole his lunch money and gave him a wedgie. whats the matter with you, hes parking the car.",chandler,"yeah, he let us drive his jaguar. joey for 12 blocks, me for 15."
phoebe,"please, i almost fell for that with, uh, pride of the yankees, i thought i was gonna see a film about yankee pride and then, boom, the guy gets lou gehrigs disease.",chandler,"uh, yeah, i just got my pick-up sticks back from the shop. bring your nerves of steel."
richard,nice moustache by the way. when puberty hits that things really gonna kick in.,chandler,"oh hey listen, dont be mad at him, its our fault. im sorry weve been hoggin so much of his time."
joey,"no no, seriously, chandler and i were just talkin about this.",chandler,"your just, your just clearly not familiar with our young persons vernacular. see, when we say dad, we mean buddy. we mean pal."
monica,hey! so what do you think?,chandler,new haircut?  necklace?  dress? boots?  boots!
monica,"yes! now, they’re a little more than i normally spend on boots…or rent",chandler,oh my god!
monica,i know.,chandler,i’m gonna miss being able to afford food.
monica,"i’m sorry, they just, they just look so good! and the saleswoman was looking at me like, oh, these are way too expensive for you.",chandler,she had a point.
monica,they’re mine!,chandler,"yeah well, too bad we’re gonna have to return them."
monica,"honey, i’m not returning them. okay? i mean i-i know they cost a lot, but i’m going to wear them all the time. you’ll see. besides, i love the compliments. i mean, have you ever had something so beautiful everyone wanted it?",chandler,i have you.
monica,hey guys!,chandler,hey-hey.
monica,"see chandler? i’m getting a lot of use out of them already! they’re very practical. see, you can wear them with dresses, with skirts, with pants…",chandler,you can wear them with shorts on a street corner and earn the money to pay for them.
ross,hey!,chandler,hey!
ross,hey i uh just picked up ben from school…,chandler,i don’t think you did a very thorough job!
monica,ahhhhhhhh!,chandler,what’s wrong?
monica,oh nothing i’m just—just was yawning.,chandler,"oh don’t forget, my office holiday party is tonight."
monica,"honey, we don’t really have to go to this thing tonight do we?",chandler,"now sweetie, i know you don’t like my office parties, but you can wear your new boots. see? every cloud has a…supple leather lining."
monica,i-i don’t-i don’t think that i’m gonna wear the boots tonight.,chandler,why not?
monica,"well y’know, i’m just-i’m just worried that bosses will see them and think they pay you too much money. or! or your assistant will see them and-and want a raise!",chandler,do you think i work at some kind of boot pricing company?
monica,"anyway, i picked up this outfit that i want to wear and the, and the boots don’t really go with it.",chandler,"you said that you paid all that money because those boots go with skirts, dresses, and pants!"
monica,"fine! if you want me to wear the boots, i’ll wear the boots. in fact, i’ll go into my room right now and y’know try the outfit on.",chandler,okay.
phoebe,"uh-huh. uh-huh. umm, could-could i get a copy of that? ‘cause carol threw it out, she lost ours. she’s such a scatterbrain, but man what a hot piece of ass.",chandler,"y’know, that party wasn’t bad."
monica,yeah! i didn’t know there would be dancing. that was a fun surprise!,chandler,"i don’t see any uh, cabs. maybe we should just walk?"
monica,"oh no, we can’t walk!",chandler,"what honey, it’s like fifteen blocks to the subway. let’s go."
monica,hey! do you think that we can get to the subway right there if we climb down through the manhole cover?,chandler,what’s going on?
monica,i can’t walk. okay? okay? these boots were a huge mistake!,chandler,what?
monica,"okay you were right! all right, i never should have bought them! they’re killing me! one toe at a time!",chandler,so i was right. this is what it feels like to be right. it’s oddly unsettling.
monica,how are we gonna get home? maybe a piggy-back ride?,chandler,hop on.
monica,"okay. wait, just give me a second, i need to just get my boots off first.  ah…ooh…oohh…ohh…oh god…ohh…oh…ohh…ohhhh…",chandler,"honey, i know you’re in pain right now, but i’m a little turned on."
phoebe,the police? here? a reunion?!,chandler,"okay, ten blocks down. five to go."
monica,oh wait! stop! stop! stop!,chandler,oh i’m sorry! do you need a break?
monica,my boots in tan! hey! can you get a little closer so i can see the price?,chandler,i can see it from right here. it’ll cost you one husband.
monica,"okay, i’m sorry. i think i can walk the rest of the way now. just-just give me my boots.",chandler,i don’t have your boots.
monica,well i don’t have them either. where are they?,chandler,"well, why don’t you check in one of my saddlebags while i chew on a bale of hay!"
monica,"okay.  god well, we gotta go back and get them!",chandler,"honey, are you seriously ever gonna wear the boots again?"
monica,"okay, i’m never gonna wear them again. i just didn’t get a chance to say goodbye.",chandler,y’know what? you can say goodbye to the tan ones.
monica,okay.  all right.,chandler,okay.
gunther,"oh, no-no, no-no-no, there’s none of that in here.",chandler,oh come on man! at least let me finish this last one.
gunther,"okay, but only if you give me a drag.",chandler,okay.
gunther,"oh dark mother, once again i suckle at your smokey tit.",chandler,"no-no, why don’t you hang on to that one."
rachel,"well, i’m really sick of your smoking, so i brought something that is going to help you quit.",chandler,"oh.  nope, that patch is no good."
phoebe,"all right, yknow forget hypnosis. the way to quit smoking is you have to dance naked in a field of heather, and then bath in the sweat of six healthy young men.",chandler,or what my father called thursday night.
frank,"okay, cool, all right, she just ah, parking the truck.  i’m gonna, i’m gonna get my ah, my fianc�e man!",chandler,"yknow, i would’ve bet good money that he’d be the first one of us to get married."
joey,"yeah, or-or to get a hooker.",chandler,always illegal joe.
alice,ohhh.,chandler,"if that doesn’t keep kids in school, what will?"
rachel,all right.,chandler,hi.
monica,hey.,chandler,"yknow, i forgot the combination to this about a year ago? i just carry it around. do you have any chap stick?"
rachel,"hey, how are those tapes working out for ya?",chandler,"yknow what, pretty good."
rachel,yeah?,chandler,"good! i haven’t smoked yet today, i feel great, and-and-and confident, that is a stunning blouse."
monica,here you go.,chandler,thanks
rachel,"hey mon, let’s give pete a chance come on, he was funny, he seems really nice, and that check thing was adorable.",chandler,what check thing?
monica,"as a joke, this customer at work who has a crush on me gave me a $20,000 tip. his number is on the check, he just did so i’d call him.",chandler,pete becker. pete…   is this him?
monica,that’s bill clinton.,chandler,who’s he huggin’?
monica,oh my god! that’s pete! but why is bill huggin’ pete?,chandler,this guy invented moss 865! every office in the world uses that program!
rachel,we use it!!,chandler,there you go!!
rachel,"oh yeah, sure, that too.",chandler,what?
rachel,oh my god! the millionaire’s here!,chandler,oh my god!
monica,"guys, please, i’m just gonna have dinner with him. okay?",chandler,"okay, okay, just because he buys you dinner, does not mean you owe him anything."
monica,i know!!,chandler,"okay, then get the lobster!"
joey,joey’s your best friend. you want to make him a cheese sandwich everyday.  and you also want to buy him hundreds of dollars worth of pants.,chandler,"okay!  listen, i’m gonna be moving out so you will be in charge of paying the rent."
joey,right! and when is that due?,chandler,first of the month.
joey,and that’s every month?,chandler,"no, just the months you actually want to live here."
joey,ahhh.,chandler,"okay, here is the phone bill."
joey,oh my god!!,chandler,"that’s our phone number. now look, i know i kinda sprung this whole me moving out on thing, so why don’t i just—why don’t i just cover you for a while?"
joey,no-no! no way! joey tribbiani does not take charity…anymore.,chandler,"it’s not charity, joe…"
joey,"no! forget it! okay—i mean thanks, but i’m done taking money from you. all right, i can take of myself. now, what’s next? come on.",chandler,"okay uh, here’s the electric bill."
joey,this is how much we pay for electric?!!!,chandler,"uh, yeah."
phoebe,so is joey going to have to give up the apartment?,chandler,"no, i hope not! i tried to offer him some money, but he wouldn’t take it."
phoebe,"well, how much do you think he needs?",chandler,"i figure that $1,500 would cover him for a few months, y’know? but i have to trick him into taking it so i won’t hurt his pride."
phoebe,why don’t you hire him as an actor? you could have him dress up and put on little skits. whatever you want.,chandler,well that would help the pride thing.
monica,hey!,chandler,hey! wow! you look great! wanna move in with me tomorrow?
monica,okay.,chandler,"okay!  so, what do you girls have planned for tonight?"
ross,hey!,chandler,hey!
phoebe,hey! so you guys have anything planned for the big last night?,chandler,"well, instead of just hanging out, we figure we’d do nothing."
monica,"okay! the movers will be here in 11 hours. rachel has not packed. now, everybody has to help! chandler, we’re gonna start with…",chandler,"oh nope, i-i have plans with joey."
monica,i thought you said you were going to do nothing.,chandler,"yes, but for the last time."
monica,"it’s almost 8 o’clock, it’s almost past his bedtime. where-where is he?",chandler,he’s at a dinner party.
joey,here it is! our last pizzas together as roommates.,chandler,"oh, i wish i’d know you were going to do that, i ordered chinese."
joey,"oh that’s okay. hey, actually in a way it’s kinda nice. me, bringing the food of my ancestors, you, the food of yours!",chandler,"say, joe, i had a strange idea of what we could do for our last night. what do you say we play a little uh, foosball for money?"
joey,"what, are you crazy? you haven’t beaten me once since my injury plagued ’97 season. it would be easier if you just give me your money.",chandler,yes it would. what do you say to $50?
joey,"okay, you’re on.",chandler,"okay, let’s play! the big game, italy vs. china, apparently."
joey,yes! i win again! ha-ha! that’s like 500 bucks you owe me! whoo-ho-hoo!  $500 that is a loooot of electricity!  whoo-ho-ho!  i gotta buy some food.,chandler,"okay, give me a chance to win my money back. okay? sudden death, one goal, $1,000."
joey,you serious?,chandler,oh yes!
joey,"okay, get ready to owe me!",chandler,okay.
joey,"okay, here we go. ready?",chandler,no! no! no! no——one can beat me.
phoebe,"yeah, we should get a move on if we wanna make those dinner reservations.",chandler,still broken?
joey,"this sucks man! the last night you’re here and i lose the two most important things in my life, the foosball table and $500.",chandler,"well, there are other ways of winning back your money, how about a little uh, a little blackjack?"
joey,"nah, not my game.",chandler,"okay, uh, how about, how about—y’know what? we could play a new game. a new game, it’s fun."
joey,"well, what’s it called?",chandler,cups.
joey,i don’t know how to play cups.,chandler,"i’ll teach ya! come on, come on, it’s really easy and really, really fun."
joey,all right.,chandler,"okay, here you go.  i have two queens, what do you have?"
joey,a two and a five.,chandler,"ho-ho, you win! 50 dollars!"
joey,really?!,chandler,"oh yeah! okay, let’s play again.  what do you got?"
joey,a four and a nine.,chandler,you’re kidding right?
joey,no. why?,chandler,well that’s a full cup!
phoebe,then keep running.,chandler,you win.
joey,"well, what did you have?",chandler,"it doesn’t matter because nothing beats a three and a six. that my friend is d-cup. okay, now much have you won so far?"
joey,"uh,  wow, 700.",chandler,not 700 exactly?
joey,yeah.,chandler,double it!
joey,what?,chandler,"well you see in cups, once you get $700, you have to double it."
joey,really?,chandler,"hey, i didn’t make up the rules. now, after you receive the doubling bonus, you get uh, one card. now that one card could be worth $100 bringing your total to 1,500.  don’t get to excited because that’s not gonna happen unless you get—no way!"
joey,hey!,chandler,what’s wrong?
joey,"ross and i were helping the girls pack, took a little break, i lost $1,500 to him in cups!",chandler,wh-how did you lose at cups?!
joey,"the same way you lost. i started out with a king and a queen, bamn! ross gets a 2 and a 3. then i get a jack and a king, boom! ross gets a 4 and a 5! ross was getting the cup card, the d-cup, the sittin’ down bonus! meanwhile, i didn’t even get half a cup! nothin’!!",chandler,oh man!!
joey,"and he never played before either! y’know what i think? i think beginner’s luck, very important in cups.",chandler,"all right, let’s play one more hand! one more!"
joey,"no, no, no more! i cannot lose another dime! i’m serious this time! in-in fact, look, there’s a—i wanna give you something. and let me give it too you know before i pawn it for cups money.  now, i want you to have the big white dog as a kinda of a, y’know, thank you for being such a great roommate.",chandler,i can’t take the big white dog! you love it!
joey,"it’s him, not it!",chandler,"no, but wait—what if i bought it from you, y’know? and your nice gesture would be giving it to me at a reasonable price, say  $1,500?"
joey,"wait a second, i see what you’re trying to do here! you-you’re trying to give me money again!",chandler,when did i try to give you money?
joey,"over there!  before, with the bills! you tried to give some charity, i said no, you dropped it. okay? then we had a nice last night together, we had some fun, we gambled, nobody tried to give anybody any money! now out of the blue, you start with the charity thing again!",chandler,i’m just trying to help you out! okay? i wanna make sure that you’re okay.
monica,bye.,chandler,hey.
monica,she really left.,chandler,i know.
monica,thank you.,chandler,no problem roomie.
monica,can i ask you a question?,chandler,sure!
monica,what the hell is that dog doing here?!   ending credits,chandler,i invented the game of cups as a way to give joey money.
ross,and now you want that money back.,chandler,exactly.
ross,"chandler, what kind of an idiot do you take me for?",chandler,it’s not a real game! i made it up!
ross,"i’m sorry you lost your money, but i won it fair and square.",chandler,at a fake game!!
ross,"now, if you wanna try to make some of it back, i’d be glad to play you for it. but i should warn you, i am very good at cups.",chandler,okay! now i assume the saucer card came up when you played last.
ross,no.,chandler,"hmm, let’s see if it comes up this time."
phoebe,that is so cruel! why? why would a parent name their child bethel?,chandler,"hey, that monkeys got a ross on its ass!"
phoebe,"so you guys, im doing all new material tonight. i have twelve new songs about my mothers suicide, and one about a snowman.",chandler,might wanna open with the snowman.
rachel,"hey, do you guys know what youre doing for new years?  gee, what?! what is wrong with new years?",chandler,"nothing for you, you have paolo. you dont have to face the horrible"
phoebe,"yeah, you wish!",chandler,"its just that im sick of being a victim of this dick clark holiday. i say this year, no dates, we make a pact. just the six of us- dinner."
all,"yeah, okay. alright.",chandler,"yknow, i was hoping for a little more enthusiasm."
phoebe,"well, cmon, if its important enough to discuss while im playing, then i assume its important enough for everyone else to hear!",chandler,that guys going home with a note!
phoebe,"well, hes kinda like the guy i went to see that with. except, except he-hes smarter, and gentler, and sweeter... i just- i just wanna be with him all the time. day and night, and night and day... and special occasions...",chandler,"wait a minute, wait a minute, i see where this is going, youre gonna ask him to new years, arent you. youre gonna break the pact. shes gonna break the pact."
phoebe,"no, no, no, no, no, no. yeah, could i just?",chandler,"yeah, cause i already asked janice."
ross,"cmon, this was a pact! this was your pact!",chandler,"i snapped, okay? i couldnt handle the pressure and i snapped."
monica,"yeah, but janice? that-that was like the worst breakup in history!",chandler,"im not saying it was a good idea, im saying i snapped!"
joey,"hi. hi, sorry im late.",chandler,too many jokes... must mock joey!
joey,"nice shoes, huh?",chandler,"aah, ykilling me!"
ross,"i didnt wanna leave him alone. alright? we- we had our first fight this morning. i think it has to do with my working late. i said some things that i didnt mean, and he- he threw some faeces...",chandler,"yknow, if youre gonna work late, i could look in on him for you."
ross,"oh, thatd be great! okay, but if you do, make sure it seems like youre there to see him, okay, and youre not like doing it as a favour to me.",chandler,"okay, but if he asks, im not going to lie."
monica,"im sorry, okay. its just that chandler has somebody, and phoebe has somebody- i thought id ask fun bobby.",chandler,fun bobby? your ex-boyfriend fun bobby?
joey,you know more than one fun bobby?,chandler,i happen to know a fun bob.
ross,"oh, its-its marcel. he keeps shutting me out, yknow? hes walking around all the time dragging his hands...",chandler,"thats so weird, i had such a blast with him the other night."
ross,really.,chandler,"yeah, we played, we watched tv.. that juggling thing is amazing."
ross,"what, uh... what juggling thing?",chandler,with the balled-up socks? i figured you taught him that.
ross,no.,chandler,"yknow, it wasnt that big a deal. he just balled up socks... and a melon..."
janice,"i love this artichoke thing! oh, dont tell me whats in it, the diet starts tomorrow!",chandler,you remember janice.
janice,"there you are! haaah, you got away from me!",chandler,but you found me!
janice,"here, ross, take our picture.  smile! youre on janice camera!",chandler,kill me. kill me now.
janice,"oh, im gonna blow this one up, and im gonna write reunited in glitter.",chandler,"alright, janice, thats it! janice... janice... hey, janice, when i invited you to this party i didnt necessarily think that it meant that we-"
janice,"oh, no. oh, no.",chandler,im sorry you misunderstood...
janice,"oh my god. you listen to me, chandler, you listen to me. one of these times is just gonna be your last chance with me.",chandler,"oh, will you give me the thing."
joey,"there ygo, kids.",chandler,and then the peacock bit me.  please kiss me at midnight.
joey,you seen sandy?,chandler,"ooh. uh, i dont know how to tell you this, but shes in monicas bedroom, getting it on with max, that scientist geek. ooh, look at that, i did know how to tell you."
dick clark,in twenty seconds itll be midnight...,chandler,and the moment of joy is upon us.
monica,not everybodys happy. hey bobby!,chandler,"yknow, i uh.. just thought id throw this out here. im no math whiz, but i do believe there are three girls and three guys right here."
ross,perfect. perfect. so now everybodys getting kissed but me.,chandler,"alright, somebody kiss me. somebody kiss me, its midnight! somebody kiss me!"
phoebe,"hi. um, i want to start with a song thats about that moment when you suddenly realize what life is all about. ok, here we go.  ok, thank you very much.",chandler,"oh, great. this is just..."
phoebe,"well, i never call me.",chandler,"oh my god, its that victorias secret model. something... something goodacre."
jill,"hi mom, its jill.",chandler,"shes right, its jill. jill goodacre. oh my god. i am trapped in an atm vestibule with jill goodacre!  is it a vestibule? maybe its an atrium. oh, yeah, that is the part to focus on, you idiot!"
jill,"yeah, im fine. im just stuck at the bank, in an atm vestibule.",chandler,jill says vestibule... im going with vestibule.
jill,"im fine. no, im not alone... i dont know, some guy.",chandler,"oh! some guy. some guy. hey jill, i saw you with some guy last night. yes, he was some guy."
rachel,that had to hurt!,chandler,"alright, alright, alright. its been fourteen and a half minutes and you still have not said one word. oh god, do something. just make contact, smile!"
jill,would you like to call somebody?,chandler,"yeah, about 300 guys i went to high school with. yeah, thanks."
monica,hello?,chandler,"hey, its me."
monica,its chandler!  are you ok?,chandler,"yeah, im fine.  im trppd in an atm vstbl wth jll gdcr."
monica,what?,chandler,im trppd... in an atm vstbl... wth jll gdcr!
monica,i have no idea what you just said.,chandler,put joey on the phone.
joey,whats up man?,chandler,im trppd... in an atm vstbl... wth jll gdcr.
joey,"oh my god! hes trapped in an atm vestibule with jill goodacre!  chandler, listen.",chandler,"yeah, like that thought never entered my mind."
jill,would you like some gum?,chandler,"um, is it sugarless?"
ross,yeah?,chandler,"you know, on second thought, gum would be perfection.  gum would be perfection? gum would be perfection. could have said gum would be nice, or ill have a stick, but no, no, no, no. for me, gum is perfection. i loathe myself."
phoebe,you betcha!,chandler,"ah, lets see. what next? blow a bubble. a bubbles good. its got a... boyish charm, its impish. here we go."
jill,"my god, youre choking!  that better?",chandler,yes... thank you. that was... that was....
jill,"chandler, weve been here for an hour doing this! now watch, its easy.",chandler,ok.
jill,"well, this has been fun.",chandler,"yes. yes, thanks for letting me use your phone... and for saving my life."
jill,"well, goodbye chandler. i had a great blackout.  see ya.",chandler,"hi, um, im account number 7143457. and, uh, i dont know if you got any of that, but i would really like a copy of the tape."
monica,joey we know you steal our food.,chandler,i’m good.
rachel,yeah. and y’know who should’ve shut their drapes? is that perverted old couple two doors over.,chandler,is that a swing?
rachel,oh don’t even ask!,chandler,yuck!
joey,i can’t believe ross went out with rachel’s sister! when chandler made out with my sister i was mad at him for 10 years.,chandler,that was like 5 years ago.
joey,yeah you got 5 years left!,chandler,joey…
phoebe,oh y’know what’s sadder than this? bambi. i cried for three days with that movie. no wait two! because on the third day my mother killed herself so i was partly crying for that.,chandler,"well see now that i can see crying over, but bambi is a cartoon!"
joey,you didn’t cry when bambi’s mother died?,chandler,yes it was very sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer!
monica,chandler there’s nothing wrong with crying! i mean you don’t have to be so macho all the time.,chandler,i’m not macho.
monica,yeah you’re right. i don’t know what i was thinking.,chandler,"no, i guess i just never really cried. y’know? i’m not a crying kind of guy."
joey,"come on man there’s gotta be something that gets you choked up! like uh, uh oh, what if you saw a three-legged puppy?",chandler,"i’d be sad sure, but i wouldn’t cry."
joey,"okay, what if the puppy said, help me chandler. all the other puppies pick on me.",chandler,"cry?! i just found a talking puppy, i’m rich!"
phoebe,"all right, what’s going on there?",chandler,"oh, that’s parent’s day, first grade. that’s me with the janitor martin."
monica,where were your parents?,chandler,oh they didn’t want to come!
phoebe,so that story doesn’t make you cry?,chandler,"no! look, i don’t cry! it’s not a big deal! okay?!"
joey,"uhhh, yeah. yeah. but uh, i don’t think it’s the kind you’re gonna like.",chandler,you didn’t get more movies that are gonna have us reaching for the tissues all night did you?
all,what?!!,chandler,phoebe buffay in buffay: the vampire layer.
monica,"this is so bizarre. i guess it kinda makes sense though, y’know she had such a terrible childhood.",chandler,"hey, i had a terrible childhood and i don’t do porn."
monica,hold on a second! what is that on her ankle?,chandler,her ankle is what you’re watching?
rachel,"well it’s hard to tell…  oh god, if she would just stop moving.",chandler,she’s just doing her job!
monica,hey sweetie!,chandler,hey!
monica,chicken soup for the soul?,chandler,there’s no back to this couch!
monica,why are you reading this? you hate this kind of stuff.,chandler,"yeah i know, but i figured a shot y’know? maybe one of those stories would make me cry and then you wouldn’t think i was y’know, all dead inside."
monica,"oh that’s so sweet! look chandler i don’t care if you can’t cry, i love you.",chandler,oh that makes me feel so warm in my hollow tin chest.
monica,stop it!,chandler,"no, i mean, come on, seriously think about it, we get married, we’re up at the altar and i’m like this."
monica,"i won’t care, because i know you will be feeling it all in here.",chandler,yeah?
monica,"yeah! and if, and if we have a baby one-day, and the doctor hands it to you in the delivery room and you don’t cry, so what! and-and-and, and if we take him to college and come home and see his empty room for the first time, and you got nothing, it won’t matter to me.",chandler,"okay, well i won’t uh, worry about this anymore then."
monica,"and-and-and if i die, from a long illness. and you’re writing out my eulogy and you open a desk drawer and you find a note from me that says, i will always be with you, and you still can’t shed one tiny tear, i know you’ll be crying a river inside.",chandler,"aww, i love you so…"
monica,what is wrong with you?!!!,chandler,what?!
monica,"what?! you can’t shed a tear for your dead wife!! now, i left you a note from the beyond!",chandler,so you didn’t mean any of that?!
joey,yeah.,chandler,hey.
rachel,what?! you kissed!,chandler,maybe we should give them some privacy.
monica,oh my god! are-are you crying?,chandler,i just don’t see why those two can’t work things out! ending credits
monica,bye.,chandler,"i-i can’t believe jill’s gone.  i can’t help it, i opened a gate."
phoebe,hey! she will shower when tibet is free.,chandler,hey!
phoebe,hey!,chandler,"you look great. im so glad were having this rehearsal dinner, you know, i so rarely get to practice my meals before i eat them."
phoebe,"okay, what did we say was your one gift to us?",chandler,no stupid jokes. i thought that was for the actual wedding.
joey,"hey, im not that fond of you either, ok buddy? but im just trying to be nice for the kids!",chandler,you know what i just realized? we have no idea what were doing in the wedding tomorrow.
rachel,uhm... you havent told these guys what theyre doing in the wedding yet.,chandler,heh.
ross,"oh, man!",chandler,this is like figure skating team all over again.  i mean synchronized swimming.  i mean- i mean the balance beam.  help me!
ross,football!,chandler,thank you.
ross,i cant believe were gonna be the only people that arent in this wedding.,chandler,"i know, i hate being left out of things."
mike,"hey guys, how is it going?",chandler,fine. were just sitting here. alone. doing nothing. its our rehearsal for tomorrow.
mike,"yeah look, about tomorrow, i... ive got a question for ya. i just found out that one of my groomsmen had had an emergency and cant make it.",chandler,what happened?
ross,ill do it!,chandler,m-me-me-me!
mike,you both wanna do it? uhm... theres only room for one.,chandler,"pick me, i look great in a tux and i will not steal focus."
ross,"well, if phoebes choosing, then say hello to mikes next groomsman.",chandler,"oh, i will. but i will need a mirror... as he is me!"
ross,"please, youre going down!",chandler,you are going downer!
ross,is that what they say on the figure skating team?,chandler,"i wouldnt know, i didnt make it!"
phoebe,i decided to pee.,chandler,mike didnt tell you? you have to chose one of us to be in your wedding. one of his groomsmen fell out.
phoebe,"oh no, no. i cant choose between you two! i love you both so much!",chandler,just not enough to put us in the original wedding party.
rachel,hi,chandler,"hey, can i talk to you about this groomsman thing? if you pick ross, hell walk you down the isle just fine. but if you choose me, youll be getting some comedy!"
rachel,"even so, i think im gonna pick ross.",chandler,"let me tell you why you need to pick me.  see, when i was a kid, i was always left out of everything, you know, and it really made me feel... insecure. you know, i was always picked last in gym. even behind that big fat exchange student who didnt even know the rules to baseball. i mean, this guy would strike out and then run to third. anyway, if im the only one left out of this wedding, i just know that all those feelings are gonna come rushing back."
rachel,"all right fine, i pick you.",chandler,y-y-yeeesss! make groom for chandler.
joey,how bad do you want to stick your tongue on that?,chandler,hows it going?
ross,good. im just getting some coffee. so im alert for the wedding.,chandler,thats what i was doing too.
ross,"well, you have fun tonight.",chandler,you too.
ross,"oh, i will.",chandler,me too.
ross,"wait a minute, i know why im being such an ass, why are you?",chandler,im not supposed to tell you.
ross,im not supposed to tell you!,chandler,you told us both we could be in the wedding?
ross,"rachel, only one of us can do it, you have to choose. you and me together again.",chandler,"rach, rach, knock knock."
rachel,whos there?,chandler,ill tell you at the wedding.
mike,"you know, chappys too small to handle all this snow. someones gonna have to walk him down the aisle.",chandler,"so technically, would this person be in the wedding?"
ross,"no, but chandler, hello... arent you scared of dogs?",chandler,im not scared.  ill just take little chappy and...  he can sense my fear. my throat is exposed.
monica,"okay, if joey does the ceremony, then we have to find someone else to walk phoebe down the isle.",chandler,ill do it.
ross,ill...,chandler,na ha ha...  ne he he...  ah ah...
monica,okay.  its zero hour. all teams execute on my count.  lets get this bad boy on the road.,chandler,is it okay that i want you to wear that head set in bed tonight?
monica,i have you scheduled for nudity at 2300 hours.,chandler,oh yeah!
monica,"groomsman, groomsman, why are you just standing there, where is your bridesmaid?  weve got a broken arrow. bridesmaid down!  oh, thats me.",chandler,ready?
phoebe,okay.,chandler,okay.
phoebe,"oh wait, oh no. wait.",chandler,wow! arent you gonna be cold?
phoebe,i dont care... ill be my something blue.,chandler,you look beautiful.
phoebe,"i got married!  could someone get me a coat, im freaking freezing.",chandler,that really was an incredible wedding.
joey,"it was, yeah. i kind of dont want it to end. hey, you wanna come in for a drink and a bite of corsage?",chandler,"id love to, but its 2300 hours and im about to have the most organized sex anyones ever had."
joey,"nice. oh hey, what about ross?",chandler,i dont know. maybe he hooked up with that hot girl he was talking to.
joey,"hey, hey.",chandler,hey.
phoebe,hey.,chandler,and this from the cry-for-help department. are you wearing makeup?
joey,"yes, i am. as of today, i am officially joey tribbiani, actor slash model.",chandler,"thats so funny, cause i was thinking you look more like joey tribbiani, man slash woman."
phoebe,"you know, the asthma guy was really cute.",chandler,do you know which one youre gonna be?
joey,"no, but i hear lyme disease is open, so...",chandler,"good luck, man. i hope you get it."
monica,"and i assume, chandler, you are still boycotting all the pilgrim holidays.",chandler,"yes, every single one of them."
rachel,"absolutely. shoop, shoop, shoop. only a hundred and two dollars to go.",chandler,i thought it was $98.50.
phoebe,"oh, i believe it. i think the baby can totally hear everything. i can show you. look, this will seem a little weird, but you put your head inside this turkey, and then well all talk, and youll hear everything we say.",chandler,"id just like to say that im totally behind this experiment. in fact, id very much like to butter your head."
rachel,"wait, wait, chandler, this is what youre havin for thanksgiving dinner? what, what, what is it with you and this holiday?",chandler,"all right, im nine years old."
ross,"oh, i hate this story.",chandler,"we just finished this magnificent thanksgiving dinner. i have--and i remember this part vividly--a mouthful of pumpkin pie, and this is the moment my parents choose to tell me theyre getting divorced."
rachel,oh my god.,chandler,yes. its very difficult to appreciate a thanksgiving dinner once youve seen it in reverse.
joey,set another place for thanksgiving. my entire family thinks i have vd.,chandler,"tonight, on a very special blossom."
rachel,"i got the tickets! i got the tickets! five hours from now, shoop, shoop, shoop.",chandler,"oh, you must stop shooping."
joey,"chandler, will you just come in already?",chandler,"no, i prefer to keep a safe distance from all this merriment."
phoebe,"look out, incoming pumpkin pie!",chandler,"ok, we all laughed when you did it with the stuffing, but thats not funny anymore."
rachel,"ok, good-bye you guys. thanks for everything.  oh, sorry! oh, sorry!",chandler,the most unbelievable thing has happened. underdog has just gotten away.
joey,the balloon?,chandler,"no, no, the actual cartoon character. of course the balloon. its all over the news. right before he reached macys, he broke free and was spotted flying over washington square park. im goin to the roof, whos with me?"
rachel,"i cant, i gotta go.",chandler,come on. an 80-foot inflatable dog let loose over the city. how often does that happen?
rachel,"no, no, no, you said, got the keys.",chandler,do either of you have the keys?
monica,why do you guys have so many keys in there anyway?,chandler,for an emergency just like this.
monica,"why? because everything is my responsibility? isnt it enough that im making thanksgiving dinner for everyone? you know, everyone wants a different kind of potatoes, so im making different kinds of potatoes. does anybody care what kind of potatoes i want? nooooo, no, no!  just as long as phoebe gets her peas and onions, and mario gets his tots, and its my first thanksgiving, and its all burned, and, and i... i...",chandler,"ok, monica, only dogs can hear you now, so, look, the doors open. here we go."
monica,"stop it, stop it, stop it!",chandler,now this feels like thanksgiving.
phoebe,its nice that he has someone.,chandler,shall i carve?
rachel,by all means.,chandler,"ok, who wants light cheese, and who wants dark cheese?"
joey,the bigger half.,chandler,"id like to propose a toast. little toast here, ding ding. i know this isnt the kind of thanksgiving that all of you all planned, but for me, this has been really great, you know, i think because it didnt involve divorce or projectile vomiting. anyway, i was just thinking, i mean, if youd gone to vail, and if you guysd been with your family, if you didnt have syphilis and stuff, we wouldnt be all together, you know? so i guess what im trying to say is that im very thankful that all of your thanksgivings sucked."
rachel,and a crappy new year.,chandler,"here, here!"
phoebe,god! ooh! what is that smell? it’s coming from the bathroom. ooh!,chandler,wow! pregnancy does give you some weird cravings.
joey,"oh, wait-wait!  maybe it’s a pickle?!",chandler,what are you writing?
rachel,"well, joshua’s coming in tomorrow and since i don’t have the guts to ask him out, i’m going to sell him a coat and put this note in the pocket.",chandler,"oh yeah?  joshua, give me a call sometime, guys like you  never go out of style—what did you throw away?"
ross,"oh, we went to see a collection of victorian doorknobs and the cupert-hewitt museum.",chandler,without me?!
joey,hey that’s what all my relationships are like.,chandler,"yes, but in ross’s case, they both know in two weeks that’s it."
phoebe,"yes! i know! i know! yeah! so the baby is totally craving meat. this afternoon i tried tricking it, i made it a soy-burger to make it think it was getting meat, y’know? and i got nauseous.",chandler,maybe that’s because soy-burgers suck!
rachel,"oops, sorry. listen, we-we have to have a party tonight! actually, we have to have one in five minutes, so everybody cancel your plans.",chandler,what are you talking about?
ross,you really didn’t know?,chandler,why are you in here if joshua is all the way over there?
rachel,"uhh, because i’m trying to play hard to get. oh, quick he’s looking over here, say something funny.",chandler,like what?
joey,what-what-what is so funny?,chandler,"i said, like what?"
monica,"and lucky means, more cleavage?",chandler,does for me.
joey,there was a seen in footloose...,chandler,flashdance.
joey,"yeah-yeah, yeah, with that-that uh, plumber girl…",chandler,she was a welder.
rachel,yay! emily!,chandler,what are the odds? what are the odds?
phoebe,"y’know it doesn’t matter how much i’m craving it. y’know why i’m never gonna eat meat? because it’s murder, cold blooded murder.",chandler,okay.
rachel,hey.,chandler,hey.
rachel,"you’re a pathetic loser, right?",chandler,"oh-ho, yeah!"
carol,i guess so.,chandler,"you know, its... something funny about sneakers. ill be right back."
ross,what are you guys doing?,chandler,were just hanging out by the spoons. ladle?
ross,carol?,chandler,carol? i was just wondering if joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding?
joey,chandler?,chandler,"so, uh, how often can you do it?"
ross,"hi, honey.",chandler,"hey, sweetums."
monica,"its gonna be a problem, isnt it?",chandler,"come on, youre going to bloomingdales with julie? thats like cheating on rachel in her house of worship."
phoebe,"duh, i think i know how to heat breast milk. ok.",chandler,what did you just do?
joey,what is the big deal?,chandler,what did you just do?
ross,"no, no, carol. theres nothing wrong with it. i just, i just dont think breast milk is for adults.",chandler,of course the packaging does appeal to grown-ups and kids alike.
ross,gimme the bottle.  gimme the towel.,chandler,howdy.
joey,"gimme a box a juice. well, they switched me over to hombre.",chandler,"well, maybe its because of the way youre dressed."
joey,"or maybe its because this guys doing so good they wanna put more people on it.  you should see this guy, chandler, he goes through two bottles a day.",chandler,what do you care? youre an actor. this is your day job. this isnt supposed to mean anything to you.
joey,"i know, but, i was the best, you know? i liked being the best.  i dont know. maybe i should just get outta the game. they need guys up in housewares to serve cheese.",chandler,"all right, say you do that. you know sooner or later somebodys gonna come along that slices a better cheddar. and then wherere you gonna run?"
joey,yeah i guess youre right.,chandler,youre damn right im right. i say you show this guy what youre made of. i say you stand your ground. i say you show him that you are the baddest hombre west of the lingerie.
joey,im gonna do it.,chandler,all right. now go see miss kitty and shell fix you up with a nice hooker.
woman,chandler.,chandler,"mrs. tedlock. youre looking lovely today. and may i say, that is a very flattering sleeve length on you."
mrs. tedlock,"yes. well, mr. kostelick wants you to stop by his office at the end of the day.",chandler,"oh, listen. if this is about those prank memos, i had nothing to do with them. really. nothing at all. really.  nothing."
phoebe,"hey you guys! chandlers coming and he says he has, like, this incredible news, so when he gets here, we could all act like, you know...",chandler,hey!
all,what is it?,chandler,"so, its a typical day at work. im inputting my numbers, and big al calls me into his office and tells me he wants to make me processing supervisor."
all,thats great!,chandler,so.... i quit.
all,why?,chandler,why? this was supposed to be a temp job!
monica,"yeah, chandler... youve been there for five years.",chandler,"if i took this promotion, itd be like admitting that this is what i actually do."
phoebe,so was it a lot more money?,chandler,it doesnt matter. i just dont want to be one of those guys thats in his office until twelve oclock at night worrying about the wenus.
rachel,... the wenus?,chandler,weekly estimated net usage systems. a processing term.
joey,so whatre you going to do?,chandler,i dont know. thats the thing. i dont know what i want to do. i just know im not going to figure it out working there.
phoebe,"hi!  oh, yeah, no, i know. youre a chef. i know, and i thought of you first, but um, chandlers the one who needs a job right now, so....",chandler,yeah... i just dont have that much cheffing experience. unless its an all-toast restaurant.
phoebe,"yeah, i know!  so, what do you think?",chandler,"thanks, phoebe. but i just dont really see myself in a big white hat."
phoebe,ok.  oh monica! guess what!,chandler,can you see my nipples through this shirt?
phoebe,"where are you going, mr. suity-man?",chandler,"well, i have an appointment to see dr. robert pillman, career counselor a-gogo.  i added the a-gogo."
rachel,career counselor?,chandler,"hey, you guys all know what you want to do."
rachel,i dont!,chandler,"hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. you know, you have goals. you have dreams. i dont have a dream."
monica,"so great! he showed me where the restaurants going to be. its this, its this cute little place on 10th street. not too big, not too small. just right.",chandler,was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears?
ross,"ok, ahem, hey, does anybody know a good place if youre not dating a puma?",chandler,who are you going out with?
ross,"oh, i just thought we could go out to dinner, and then maybe bring her back to my place and id introduce her to my monkey.",chandler,and hes not speaking metaphorically.
rachel,my god! what happened to you?,chandler,"eight and a half hours of aptitude tests, intelligence tests, personality tests... and what do i learn?  you are ideally suited for a career in data processing for a large multinational corporation."
phoebe,thats so great! cause you already know how to do that!,chandler,"can you believe it? i mean, dont i seem like somebody who should be doing something really cool? you know, i just always pictured myself doing something...something."
monica,"here you go, maybe thisll cheer you up.",chandler,"ooh, you know, i had a grape about five hours ago, so id better split this with you."
monica,its supposed to be that small. its a pre-appetizer. the french call it an amouz-bouche.,chandler,well.... it is amouz-ing...
rachel,oh! i see. and ive sort of been maintaining my amateur status so that i can waitress in the olympics.,chandler,"you know, i dont mean to brag, but i waited tables at innsbruck in 76.  amouz-bouche?"
ross,...run it all over your body until youre... trembling with... with...,chandler,....with??
joey,youre not going to believe this!,chandler,its ok. its ok. i was always rooting for you two kids to get together.
joey,"hey chandler, while you were sleeping that guy from your old job called again.",chandler,again?
joey,"and again, and again, and again...  hello?  and again.",chandler,"hey mr. kostelic! hows life on the fifteenth floor?  yeah, i miss you too.  yeah, its a lot less satisfying to steal pens from your own home, you know?  well, thats very generous  er, but look, this isnt about the money. i need something thats more than a job. i need something i can really care about....  and thats on top of the yearly bonus structure you mentioned earlier?  look, al, al... im not playing hardball here, ok? this is not a negotiation, this is a rejection!  no! no! no, stop saying numbers! im telling you, youve got the wrong guy! youve got the wrong guy!  ill see you on monday!"
phoebe,"wow! its huge! its so much bigger than the cubicle. oh, this is a cube.",chandler,look at this!
phoebe,oh! you have a window!,chandler,yes indeedy!  with a beautiful view of...
phoebe,oh look! that guys peeing!,chandler,"ok, thats enough of the view. check this out, look at this. sit down, sit down."
phoebe,ok.,chandler,"this is great!  helen, could you come in here for a moment?"
joey,"yeah, where the hell is he?",chandler,"yes, fran. i know what time it is, but im looking at the wenus and im not happy!...  oh, really, really, really? well, let me tell you something... you will care about it, because i care about it! you got it? good!  whooooaaaa...."
ben,uh-huh!,chandler,"okay, let me just straighten out your helmet there."
ross,"no-no, one daddy, two mommies. all right, it’s all yours.",chandler,okay. okay.
phoebe,"well, we didn’t have a lot of money. but the girl across the street had the best bike! it was pink and it had rainbow colored tassels hanging off the handle grips, and-and-and a bell and this big, white wicker basket with those plastic daisies stuck on.",chandler,that sounds like my first bike.  my dad gave me his old one.
phoebe,"not really, i got to drag him around too!",chandler,hey! what are you guys doing?
monica,making holiday candy for the neighbors.,chandler,"i’m sorry, who?"
monica,i’m gonna hang this basket on the door and when the neighbors walk by they can all take a piece.,chandler,but we don’t know the neighbors.
monica,see? this is exactly why i’m making this candy. we can learn their names and get to know our neighbors.,chandler,wouldn’t it be easier if we just moved?
rachel,gooood morning!!,chandler,"eh, somebody’s in a good mood!"
monica,"the basket is totally empty! my god, the neighbors ate all the candy!",chandler,"well, either that or uh…"
phoebe,oh and chandler’s about to cry.,chandler,am not!
monica,who is that?!,chandler,"don’t worry, i’m brave! i am brave! i…i am brave!  no-no-no-no!!   can you tell me who is there please?"
monica,oh please!  did you hear that? little drops of heaven.,chandler,4:00 a.m.
gary,"so, can i get some candy?",chandler,"i am sorry, but some of us have to get up early and go to work!   he does not know that i am not some of us."
gary,mm! seems like i would’ve remembered you!,chandler,mm! night gar’!
joey,almost cried huh? hear that chandler? almost cried!,chandler,"hey, you cry every time somebody talks about titanic!"
phoebe,oh hi!,chandler,hey! so are you enjoying the bike?
monica,"see, this is why i told you never get involved with your assistant! and here is no such thing as keeping secrets when it comes to affairs.  did you hear that chandler? no such thing!",chandler,what happened? i’m just eating candy.
rachel,"maybe it’s not as bad as i think. y’know, maybe they didn’t take it the way i meant it.",chandler,"absolutely! y’know, because touchie can mean both ass and good worker."
rachel,oh my god! joey!,chandler,what is the matter with you?
joey,"hey chandler, do we know that lady?",chandler,"maybe, isn’t she the woman who lives below you and has sex really loud?"
monica,it’s unbelievable! i-i can’t believe that sign didn’t work!,chandler,y’know what would work?
monica,hmm?,chandler,stop making candy!
monica,but they like it!,chandler,you mean they like you.
monica,maybe.,chandler,is that why you became a chef? so that people would like you?
rachel,there it is.,chandler,what is going on?
joey,yeah lady! give us candy!!,chandler,joey!
joey,what’s up buddy?,chandler,what are you doing?
joey,waiting for candy.,chandler,"get in here!  hey, and you can not smoke in here!   merry christmas."
all,we want candy! we want candy now!,chandler,"all right everybody! just be quiet! be quiet! be quiet!! pipe-pipe-pipe down!  what is the matter with you people?! this woman was trying to do a nice thing for you. she was making candy so she could try to get to know all of you, and i’ll bet that not one of you can tell me her name! am i right?"
the man,candy lady?,chandler,no not  candy lady.
joey,"hey, if we know it can we have candy?!!",chandler,"all right, y’know what? forget it, all of you forget it! you’ve ruined it! go home! you’ve ruined it! you’ve ruined it!"
monica,thank you.,chandler,you’re welcome.
monica,did you smoke?,chandler,no! smokes-a-lot lady blew smoke directly into my mouth. eh-uh—are you okay?
rachel,"okay, chandler!",chandler,okay.
rachel,"and your horoscope says, on the fifth a special someone is going to give you a gift.",chandler,"oh, well thank you in advance."
joey,hey guys!,chandler,hey!!
rachel,oh my god! it’s joey tribbiani of mac and c.h.e.e.s.e.!!!!!!!,chandler,oh that’s right. it’s your first day! so are you psyched to fight fake crime with your robot sidekick?
phoebe,i’ll be waiting.,chandler,are you judging them by their covers? because you’re really not supposed to do that.
ross,hey!,chandler,hey!
ross,i just found out that elizabeth’s dad wants to meet me.,chandler,"wait a minute, hold the phone! you’re not elizabeth’s dad?!"
monica,ross!!,chandler,ross!
monica,is-is-is there a-a mrs. stevens?,chandler,there’s a mr. bing!
paul,"oh, you don’t have to do that every time.",chandler,"but uh ross, ross is a great guy! i was roommates with him in college. uh, funny story…  you’re roommate in college died didn’t he?"
ross,"okay here we are paul, elizabeth.  so i hope you guys were finding something to talk about.",chandler,"yes, we were just…"
rachel,oh! ross is sooo great!,chandler,"hey honey, you got the kind with the little girl, you said we were gonna to get the kind with the baby."
monica,"no, you said the baby creeps you out.",chandler,"no, the little girl creeps me out."
monica,you said the baby.,chandler,why would the baby creep me out?
phoebe,"you guys, i’m sorry, could you please talk a little slower?",chandler,this is going in your book?
joey,hey!,chandler,hey!
joey,pretty great! except i did get a little attitude from the robot.,chandler,"damn those robots, they’re supposed to be our faithful servants!"
joey,"that’s not a bad idea. yeah. okay, but if i got to turn on the charm tomorrow i’m not wasting anymore of it over here with you guys.  well, actually i got a little bit saved for you pheebs.",chandler,"so do you think uh, joey’s more charming than me?"
monica,yeah! that’s why i’m sleeping with him on the side.,chandler,"yeah, you wish."
phoebe,i’m not writing about you! i’m writing about other people.,chandler,who?
monica,"okay fine! fine! then you know what, i’ll just write about phyllis! hmm!",chandler,hmm.
monica,phyllis is sitting in a chair.,chandler,oh.
monica,phyllis sees what i’m doing.,chandler,oh-oh.
monica,"chandler, we said we would meet at the coffeehouse at six.",chandler,we said seven!
monica,we said six!,chandler,"the only way that i said six would be if the seven’s, let meet at seven, not at six."
phoebe,hi!,chandler,oh my good god.
phoebe,i know what time you said.,chandler,what?!
phoebe,"quite an interesting turn of events, suddenly it’s my book to the rescue, huh?  ooh, very interesting. yeah, well this certainly clears things up.",chandler,what does it say?!
phoebe,i will tell you as soon as you thank me for writing my book.,chandler,"thank you for writing your book. its-its uh, great book and you are the queen of everything."
phoebe,thanks! so are you.,chandler,i told you i should not wear this color.
phoebe,"mon…  marcia and chester are planning on seeing a movie on sunday night. marcia thinks they’re supposed to meet at six, chester thinks it’s at seven.",chandler,so you knew we were gonna miss the movie!
joey,i can’t believe i’m going to lose this job!,chandler,oh i’m so sorry man! is there anything i can do?
joey,"yeah? well, i don’t want to talk to you wayne! i hate you! you ruined my life! oh, chandler, wayne. wayne, chandler.",chandler,"hi, how are ya?"
joey,why should i help you?!,chandler,the reason he just said.
wayne,yeah. her. all of them. anyone.,chandler,"yeah, i’ve been there my friend."
aired,3/13/2003,chandler,hey! ready to go?
joey,"hey ross, check this out!  yeah, i cant do that!",chandler,what are you doin?
ross,"have you seen this? its a new alumni website for college! its cool! you can post messages for people, let everyone know what youre up to.",chandler,"great, a faster way to tell people that im unemployed and childless ."
ross,its actually kinda interesting to find out what people are doing... remember andrea rich?,chandler,the tall girl who wouldnt sleep with you?
ross,"uh uh... well, her internet company went under and she lost an ear in a boating accident...",chandler,bet shed sleep with you now...
ross,no... i already e-mailed her.,chandler,"let me see what you wrote about yourself: doctor paleontology, two kids...   you split with carol because you have different interests?... i think you split with carol because youve one very similar interest!"
ross,what do you think you learnt how to do in the last two minutes??,chandler,maybe we finish this for him!  also i cloned a dinosaur in my lab. shes now my girlfriend. i dont care what society says. its the best sex ive ever had... aaand send!
phoebe,"breaking up sucks! oh, i really miss mike!",chandler,"oh, im so sorry!"
phoebe,"oh god, i tried everything to make myself feel better. i even tried writing a song about it... but... i cant think of anything that rhymes with aarrgghh!!  hey monica, i really need your help getting through this...",chandler,youre not gonna need my help?
phoebe,"well no, when i get to the point where... you know... im ready to hear cruel mocking jokes about mike... im gonna come to you.",chandler,"oh good, cause ive already thought of 3... 4! ive just thought of a fourth"
ross,i have sex with dinosaurs??,chandler,i believe i read that somewhere!
ross,"that only is not funny, its physically impossible! ok? depending on the species id have to have a six foot long...   its not funny!!",chandler,i respectfully disagree.
ross,i cant believe you put that on my alumni page!,chandler,who cares? nobody reads those things
ross,youd better hope not because i just read what you put on your page today.,chandler,i dont have a page.
monica,"alright, wait a second, why would ross tell everyone in your class that you are as...   gay as the day is long?",chandler,because i told everyone he slept with dinosaurs.
monica,but thats clearly a joke. this could easily be true.,chandler,would you get that please? people have been calling to congratulate me all day.
monica,"hello? no, hes not here. yeah, this is his wife. yeah, well, it came as quite a shock to me too. i guess i should have known. yeah, i mean, he just kept making me watch moulin rouge.",chandler,"hang up, hang up. and that was a great movie!  im so gonna get back at ross... oh yeah, this will show him, here we go ."
monica,what are you doing?,chandler,"oh, youll see my friend."
ross,im dead?,chandler,and so young.
ross,posting that i died? that really isnt funny.,chandler,"well, how you died was funny."
ross,"oh please, hit by a blimp?",chandler,it kills over one americans every year.
ross,"unbelievable, my classmates are gonna think im dead, my professors, my... my parents are gonna get phone calls. youre messing with peoples feelings here.",chandler,you wanna talk about peoples feelings? you should have heard how hurt professor stern was yesterday when i told him i wouldnt be able to go with him to key west!
monica,"you know, on the way over here, i saw this drunk guy throw up. and then a pigeon ate it!",chandler,"hey, ross, i just wanted to apologize... ..dont tell me you actually made those gay pictures of me?"
ross,"uhu uhu, check this out.",chandler,huh! so thats what i would look like if i worked out... and was being serviced by a policeman. youre not actually going to send these out are ya?
ross,"eh..actually no, i dont need to because your little ross is dead joke didnt work, ok, there were no responses. nobody posted anything on the website, nobody called my parents, so the joke my friend is on you. nobody called, nobody wrote anything, nobody cares that im dead.  oh my god! nobody cares that im dead!?",chandler,"no, come on, you know thats not true."
ross,what are you talking about? you get sixty responses just for coming out of the closet! i didnt get one response! and im dead!,chandler,"well, the gay community is a lot more vocal than the dead community."
ross,i cant believe this. not even my geology lab partner? and i carried that guy!,chandler,"alright look, lets think about this, ok, do you really think that people are gonna stir up your family at this tragic time? that people are gonna post condolences on a website? this is not about people not caring that youre dead .this is about people not having a decent outlet for their grief."
ross,youre right. there isnt a decent outlet.,chandler,"right, i mean, come on, im sure that if you had a funeral or a memorial service, tons of people would come."
ross,exactly!!,chandler,"ross, whatre you... whatre you... what are you doing? youre having a memorial service for yourself!?"
ross,no! that would be stupid! youre having it for me!,chandler,"ross, dont press send, dont press se... !"
ross,"its been an hour and not one of my classmates has shown up! i tell you, when i actually die some people are gonna get seriously haunted!",chandler,there you go! someone came!
monica,"hi, glad you could come.",chandler,"please, come in."
tom,"hi, youre chandler bing, right? im tom gordon, i was in your class.",chandler,"oh yes, yes... let me... take your coat."
tom,"thanks... uh... im so sorry about ross, its...",chandler,at least he died doing what he loved... watching blimps
ross,who is he?,chandler,"some guy, tom gordon."
tom,what? you... you... oh! can i ask you a personal question? ho-how do you shave your beard so close?,chandler,"ok tommy, thats enough mourning for you! here we go, bye bye!!"
tom,"hey, listen. call me.",chandler,ok!
monica,i look like a man??,chandler,"please, one ridiculous problem at a time!"
ross,"it isnt ridiculous, look around! no ones here!",chandler,"you gave them one days notice, not everyone in our class checks the web site everyday and monica... its probably the way you stand!"
ross,"yes, youre right. still somebody must have seen it... i mean, i went to that school for 4 years, i didnt have an impact on anyone?",chandler,"oh, thats not true. you had an impact on me, i mean, its 15 years later and were still best friends. doesnt that count for something?"
ross,"yeah...  oh, great. more party boys for chandler!",chandler,"im sure its somebody for you. now, go hide."
kori,hi. im here for ross gellers memorial service.,chandler,kori? kori weston?
kori,yeah...,chandler,wow! you look amazing!
kori,and you are...,chandler,"chandler, chandler bing. im not gay, im not gay at all."
monica,you are married though.,chandler,"dont listen to him, hes in a really bad mood!"
kori,i cant believe that ross is gone. it is just so sad.,chandler,i didnt know ross and you were so close.
kori,we werent but we had one class together. he was such a great guy and he talked so passionately about science. i always remembered him.,chandler,"im sure that would mean a lot to him. and if heaven has a door, im sure hes pressing his ear up against it and listening intently."
monica,"your boyfriend has been in there for over an hour. i cant believe it, its like im living with him again. hes here when i go to sleep, hes here when i wake up, hes here when i want to use the shower, ughh. its like im sixteen all over again .",chandler,"see, this is the brilliance of the show. i say always keep them running. all the time, running. run. run yasmine, run like the wind."
joey,"you really think hed take me? i mean, we had a pretty good talk last night but, when i moved out, i hurt him bad.",chandler,"but we had one of the greatest talks we ever had last night. i mean it was, it was like when we first started living together."
eddie,"at the uh, supermarket, in the uh, ethnic food section. i helped him pick out a chorizo.",chandler,"well you know, we got to talking and uh, he said he needed a place and i had a spare room."
joey,oh come on. nobody likes two different kinds of eggs equally. you like one better than the other and i wanna know which.,chandler,"well whats the difference? your eggs arent here anymore, are they? you took your eggs and you left. you really expect me to never find new eggs?"
monica,joey theyre not real. i start miles beneath the surface of,chandler,or maybe she doesnt steal stuff and joey just slept with her and never called her back.
rachel,"well, i have to be, i dont really have a choice, i mean, you know, i could look at the bright side, i get two birthday parties and two birthday cakes.",chandler,"its a traditional mexican custard dessert...look talk to monica, shes on the food committee."
joey,"yeah, we set up a court in your room. uh, you didnt really like that grey lamp, did you?",chandler,"joey, a woman just stuck her tounge down my throat, im not even listening to you."
rachel,"this is it, isnt it? i mean, this is what my life is gonna be like. my mom there, my dad there. thanksgiving, christmas. she gets the house, hes in some condo my sisters gonna decorate with wicker. oh, chandler how did you get through this?",chandler,"well, i relied on a carefully regimented program of denial and, and wetting the bed."
phoebe,"oh no, youre not supposed to be here. this is the staging area, you should, its",chandler,"pheebs, can you help me pick out an engagement ring for monica? i can’t figure this out! it’s so hard! should i get her a  tiffany cut or a princess cut or a—ah-ah! paper cut!"
phoebe,"now, have you told anyone else?",chandler,"no, i don’t want to tell anybody else because i don’t want monica to find out."
phoebe,you told me.,chandler,"well, it’s because i trust you, you’re one of my best friends, and you walked in on me when i was looking at ring brochures."
phoebe,"yeah well, once again not knocking pays off. i only wish you hadn’t been on the toilet.",chandler,me too.
joey,hey.,chandler,hey.
phoebe,"hey! so chandler, wanna go to the coffeehouse?",chandler,oh all right.
ross,"oh perfect, we were just gonna see if you wanted to go.",chandler,"oh well, we don’t because we got…the…other pl-place."
rachel,"my god, i’m sorry! i’m sorry! i didn’t mean to do that! i wouldn’t do that!",chandler,nothin! this is the nine millionth ring store we’ve been too and i can’t find the perfect ring!  ugly ring! ugly ring! ugly ring!  it’s a beautiful selection.
phoebe,"okay, so maybe you don’t get her a ring. maybe you-maybe you do something different. y’know? maybe you get her an engagement bracelet, y’know? or an engagement tiara? or—ooh! an engagement revolutionary war musket! (picks one up from the display in the corner.",chandler,"y’know, i’m so glad i picked you to help me with this."
phoebe,huh? can you just imagine getting down on one knee and handing her this gorgeous piece of weaponry?,chandler,"yeah, i’m gonna stick with the ring.  oh, this one’s nice!  i like this one! sir? uh, kind sir? can i see this one?"
male jeweler,can i help you?,chandler,"uh-uh, yes. i would like to see that ring please."
male jeweler,"this ring is from the 1920s, it’s a one and a half carat diamond with sapphires on either side.",chandler,"sir, can i ask you to umm, could you…hold out that ring and ask me to marry you?"
male jeweler,okay.  will you marry me?,chandler,"oh my god that’s it, that’s the ring! how much is it?"
male jeweler,are you interested in this ring?!,chandler,"yes! yes, but i can only pay $8,000."
male jeweler,how would you like to pay?,chandler,"uh, credit card.  oh no! no-no, but i left my credit card with joey.  okay, i’ll go get it. you guard the ring."
paul,rachel?,chandler,no. how are ya paul?
paul,"okay. chandler, did your dad ever hug you?",chandler,"no, did he hug you?!"
paul,"no! no! it’s just that, my dad never did. i miss my dad.",chandler,"well, you can see my dad in vegas kissing other dads."
paul,hey chandler?,chandler,yeah?
paul,would you…….would you hug me?,chandler,i’m a little busy here paul.
paul,that’s exactly what my dad used to say!,chandler,"okay, a quick one. come on hug it out.  oh hey! there you go.  okay."
paul,five more seconds.,chandler,okay!
joey,"whoa-whoa-hey-hey!  hi, paul is it?",chandler,do you have my credit card?
joey,"yes, it’s in my… in…in my pocket.   my back pocket! my back pocket!",chandler,thank god!
joey,oh hey listen i got us tickets to a knicks game tonight.,chandler,"oh, i can’t go."
phoebe,"chandler, i found the perfect ring.",chandler,"oh, that’s uh, that’s pretty nice but i’m gonna go with the one i picked first."
phoebe,"oh my god chandler, the one you picked is gone. it’s over!",chandler,what?
phoebe,some guy bought it. i’m sorry. i tired to stop it but they  put me in jail!,chandler,they put you in jail?
phoebe,the little jail between the doors!,chandler,"phoebe, i asked you to guard the ring!"
phoebe,"i know, i’m sorry! but y’know, this ring is better! monica never even saw the other ring.",chandler,yeah but when he proposed to me with the ring i got goose bumps.
phoebe,maybe it was the guy.,chandler,it was the ring!
phoebe,hey.,chandler,i can’t believe i let you talk me into buying this stupid gumball machine looking ring!
phoebe,it’s not a stupid gumball machine looking ring! it’s a beautiful ring!,chandler,"no, it’s not! when i looked at the other ring i could see monica’s face when i gave it to her, y’know? and i could see her saying yes. when i look at this ring, all i see is a ring! unless i look at it really closely and then i can see my own eye.  look, this is the most important thing i’m gonna do in my life. i wanna make sure it’s perfect."
phoebe,okay. there may be a way that we can get the other ring back. ‘cause i heard the guy tell the jeweler where he was going to propose. so maybe we can get him to trade rings or something.,chandler,i can’t do that.
phoebe,there he is!,chandler,okay and he hasn’t proposed yet because she has no ring on her finger.
phoebe,"wow! you’re good! after this, we should solve crimes.",chandler,"yeah! okay, go, go, go get him."
phoebe,here he is.,chandler,"hi! hi. okay, there was a slight mix-up at the jewelry store, the ring you’re about to propose with was supposed to be held for me. so, i’m gonna need to have that back.  but, in exchange i’m willing to trade you this beautiful, more expensive ring.  ew."
customer,"it is beautiful, but i’m gonna use this one. now, if you’ll excuse me.",chandler,no-no! this is my fiancee  and her heart was set on that ring. you don’t want to break her heart now do you?
customer,you’re dying?!,chandler,"yeah, she’s dying… of a cough apparently."
phoebe,"yes, and it is my dying wish to have that ring. see, if i’m not buried with that ring then my spirit is going to wander the nether world for all eternity…",chandler,"okay, that’s enough honey!"
customer,i don’t know.  let me see the ring.,chandler,"great! okay, here."
customer,all right.,chandler,thank you. thank you. thank you!  and you are about to marry a wonderful man!  hey! i’m marrying a dead woman!
ross,"wait a minute, is this, is this for real?",chandler,"yeah, check out the ring."
ross,so you two are really serious?!,chandler,"yep, pretty much."
joey,"and-and-and-and-and-and, and we’re gonna be friends again!",chandler,heyyyy—what?
joey,"oh it’s water under the bridge, forget it!",chandler,"okay!  i was gonna wait ‘til uh, it was official y’know? but i got so excited i just had to tell you guys because you’re my best friends."
rachel,"ugh! no more crying! please! i just dumped one cry baby, i’ll dump you too!",chandler,i’m gonna ask monica to marry me.
rachel,oh my god! oh my god! oh chandler!!  you guys are gonna be so happy!,chandler,i know.
joey,where’s all the tissues?!  ending credits,chandler,check out the ring.
ross,you told her before you told us?,chandler,"well, she walked in when i was looking at the ring brochures. you can understand that, right?  guys? guys?"
ross,hey everybody! happy thanksgiving!,chandler,"no, no, no. no-no-no."
ross,"what, are we keeping thanksgiving a secret this year?",chandler,"no, were playing this game i learned at work. you have to name all the states in six minutes."
ross,what? thats like insanely easy!,chandler,"now, thats a lot harder than it sounds. you always forget at least one, or in some cases... fourteen ."
monica,nobody cares about the dakotas.,chandler,"oh, okay, times up!"
rachel,"all right, i got 48.",chandler,"oh thats not bad, pheebs?"
"celery, and i have one",regular celery.,chandler,"okay, so rachels got 48 and phoebe has the lead in…vegetables, joey?"
joey,hey! how is new england not a state? huh? they have a sports-team!,chandler,does south oregon have a sports-team? there you go.
ross,done! with time a-to-spare.,chandler,oooh that may be a new worlds record
ross,"you know, i hate to lecture you guys, but its kinda disgraceful, that a group of well-educated adults and joey cant name all the states. did you ever see a map, or one of those round, colorful things called a globe? hmm?",chandler,"uh, magellan? you got 46 states."
monica,"all right, im out of oven space. im gonna turn on joeys. please, watch him! do not let joey eat any of the food!",chandler,"i am only one man!  okay ross, time is up!"
ross,"no, just give me another minute.",chandler,"look ross, if you dont know them by now, you will never know them, okay? that is the beauty of this game. it makes you want to kill yourself."
ross,"this-this is crazy! i can do this! all right, uhh, i bet i can get all 50 before dinner.",chandler,"okay, but if you cant…no dinner!"
monica,chandler? can you give me a hand?,chandler,"sure, and joey; do not let ross look at any of the maps or the globe in your apartment."
monica,ross’s apartment is nice! how come we dont hang out here more often?,chandler,i dont know. maybe its because it smells a little weird. its like old pumpkins or something.
monica,thats my pie!,chandler,which smells delicious!
monica,uh-oh! uh-oh!,chandler,what?
monica,"phoebe, theres a dog sitting on my couch!",chandler,"tell her, im allergic, and i will sue!"
ross,ohio!! thank you!,chandler,huh! where is the dog?!
phoebe,theres no dog in here.,chandler,"phoebe, we can hear the dog barking!"
phoebe,"no thats just me coughing!  oh, good, there you are! listen, um, i have a dog in my room.",chandler,what is it doing here?
monica,"oooh, i wish she could stay here, but chandler is allergic!",chandler,"extremely allergic, okay? if im anywhere near a dog for more than 5 minutes, my throat will just close up!"
phoebe,"thats odd, cause this dogs been living here for the past 3 days",chandler,really?
monica,"chandler, if that dogs been here that long, and you havent had a reaction, maybe youre not allergic to this dog?",chandler,"well, it still has to go, right?"
monica and phoebe,why?,chandler,"okay, its um…"
monica,dont do what?,chandler,"i have to! okay? its time!  okay, i hate dogs."
joey,told ya.,chandler,"they are needy, they are jumpy, and you cant tell what they are thinking, and that scares me a little bit."
rachel,"wait a minute. do you not like all dogs? i mean, not even puppies?",chandler,is there a puppy here?
tag,you dont like puppies?,chandler,"okay, you are new!"
ross,its too cold.,chandler,"okay, its just that dogs make me a little uncomfortable."
ross,it hurts my teeth.,chandler,"and i dont wanna say this, i dont you guys to hate me, but uh, i dont think, i can be around that dog anymore. okay, so either the dog goes, or i go.  oh my god!!"
phoebe,wheres chandler?,chandler,here i am.
phoebe,wash your hands!!!,chandler,how did you…know?
phoebe,"see, this is exactly what we do not have time for.",chandler,wheres monica?
ross,"um, in phoebes room. you cant go in there.",chandler,why not?
ross,monicas crying. shes very upset about this whole clunkers thing.,chandler,"well, i, i should go in there."
ross,"no. no, no. she doesnt want to see you right now.",chandler,why not?
ross,because you sent away the dog!,chandler,this is ridiculous.
joey,"okay, im in my sweat pants. bring on the food!  whats the matter?",chandler,"monicas all upset, because i sent clunkers away."
joey,"so? bring the dog back, youre a hero.",chandler,"yeah, i can be a hero, i could do that. i could, i could do... i, w-w-what if, what if it attacks me?"
joey,"chandler, its like a big gerbil.",chandler,and that doesnt scare you?
phoebe,"hey, is chandler here?",chandler,"no, no he went for a walk."
monica,"hi, honey.",chandler,"please, please, please, dont be mad at me."
phoebe,"shh, wait and see. maybe we will, maybe we wont.",chandler,"okay, i went over to ross apartment to bring back clunkers. y’know, for you, and… i left the door open and she must have gotten out and i looked everywhere, all over the apartment, including the roof, which fyi ross, one of your neighbors, growing weed. i couldnt find him, and i am so, so, so, sorry. but i do know where we could all go ease the pain."
rachel,hi!,chandler,clunkers?! oh my god!
phoebe,its a thanksgiving miracle!,chandler,it is so good to see you!
ross,"okay, maybe this is so hard, because there arent 50 states. let me tell you something, i have 49 states, and there are no more! i-i think, i should be able to eat something.",chandler,its up to you.
ross,delaware!  delaware!,chandler,all right.
ross,i want my turkey now!,chandler,you got it.  you got nevada twice.
ross,i know.,chandler,yeah.
monica,so how was joan?,chandler,i broke up with her.
rachel,"come on, they were not that huge.",chandler,"im tellin you, she leaned back, i could see her brain."
joey,"hold it hold it. i gotta side with chandler on this one. when i first moved to the city, i went out a couple of times with this girl, really hot, great kisser, but she had the biggest adams apple. it made me nuts.",chandler,you or me?
phoebe,you name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason.,chandler,maureen rosilla.
rachel,"all right, bye-bye.",chandler,"ok, janice. janice. you gotta give me janice. that wasnt about being picky."
phoebe,"ok, its very faint, but i can still sense him in the building. go into the light, mr. heckles!",chandler,"ok, phoebe."
phoebe,"well, its not so much that you know, like i dont believe in it, you know, its just...i dont know, lately i get the feeling that im not so much being pulled down as i am being pushed.",chandler,"uh-oh. its isaac newton, and hes pissed."
rachel,have you ever seen so much crap?,chandler,"actually, i think this apartment sullies the good name of crap"
phoebe,"huh. so now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why?",chandler,"hey, look at this. my big book of grievances."
joey,"hey, theres me! april 17th. excessive noise. italian guy comes homes with a date. hey chandler, look, youre in here too.",chandler,"april 18th, excessive noise. italian guys gay roommate comes home with the dry-cleaning. well thats excellent."
joey,"check it out, check it out. heckles high school yearbook.",chandler,"wow, he looks so normal."
joey,"heckles, you crack me up in science class. youre the funniest kid in school.",chandler,funniest? heckles?
joey,thats what it says.,chandler,"wow, heckles was voted class clown, and so was i. he was right. would you listen to that?"
phoebe,id call that excessive.,chandler,whoa!
joey,what?,chandler,"heckles played clarinet in band, and i played clarinet. and he was in the scale modelers club, and i was, well, there was no club, but i sure thought they were cool."
joey,"so, you were both dorks. big deal.",chandler,"i just think its weird, you know? heckles and me, heckles, and me, me and heckles...would you knock it off?"
joey,have you been here all night?,chandler,"look at this. pictures of all the women that heckles went out with. look what he wrote on them. vivian, too tall. madge, big gums. too loud, too smart, makes noise when she eats. this is, this is me. this is what i do. im gonna end up alone, just like he did."
joey,"chandler, heckles was a nut case.",chandler,"our trains are on the same track, ok? yeah, sure, im coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same. bitter town. aloneville. hermit junction."
joey,"all right, you know what we gotta do? we gotta get you outta here. come on, ill buy you breakfast, lets go.",chandler,"what if i never find someone? or worse, what if ive found her, but i dumped her because she pronounced it supposably?"
joey,"chandler, come on, youre gonna find somebody.",chandler,how do you know that? how?
joey,"i dont know, im just tryin to help you out.",chandler,"youll see, you guys are all gonna go off and get married, and im gonna end up alone. will you promise me something? when youre married, will you invite me over for holidays?"
joey,"well, i dont know. i dont know what were gonna be doin. i mean, what if were at her folks place?",chandler,"yeah, i understand."
joey,"you can come over and watch the super bowl. every year, all right?",chandler,you know what? im not gonna end up like this. ill see you man.
joey,supposably. supposably. did they go to the zoo? supposably.,chandler,"hi, its me."
phoebe,janice? you called janice?,chandler,"yes, janice. why is that so difficult for you to comprehend?"
ross,"you remember janice, right?",chandler,"yes. she was smart, she was pretty, and she honestly cared about me. janice is my last chance to have somebody."
janice,helloo!!,chandler,"oh, my, god!"
janice,"hey, its everybody.",chandler,"janice, youre--"
janice,"yes, i am.",chandler,is it--?
janice,"is it yours? ha! you wish, chandler bing. you are looking at a married lady now.",chandler,congratulations.
janice,"oh, sweetie, im sorry.",chandler,you couldnt have told me about this on the phone?
rachel,hey chandler. monica just broke my seashell lamp.,chandler,neat. im gonna die alone.
monica,"chandler, youre not gonna die alone.",chandler,"janice was my safety net, ok? and now i have to get a snake."
phoebe,uh huh. why is that?,chandler,"if im gonna be an old, lonely man, im gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. so i figure ill be crazy man with a snake, y=know. crazy snake man. and ill get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. run away from crazy snake man, theyll shout!"
monica,you have got to get over this. youre not gonna end up alone.,chandler,"of course i am. i reject anyone whos crazy enough to actually go out with me, and then i bitch about the fact that there arent any great women out there."
monica,"wait a minute, wait a minute. yes he is. you are totally different.",chandler,in a bad way?
rachel,you are ready to make a commitment!,chandler,whoa! dont know about that.
monica,thats fine.,chandler,"hey. well, you will all be pleased to know that i have a date tomorrow night. this woman, alison, from work. shes great. shes pretty, shes smart. and uh, ive been holding off on asking her out in the past, because she has an unusually large head. but, im not gonna let that stuff hang me up anymore. look at me. im growing."
joey,"hey, uh, you cant recycle yearbooks, can you?",chandler,ill take that.
joey,you want his yearbook?,chandler,"yeah, yeah. some people said some nice things about him. i think somebody should have it."
rachel,its really not that big!,chandler,"takin that with you, huh?"
ross,you comin?,chandler,"yeah, jus second. good-bye mr. heckles. well try to keep it down."
alison,"oh, my major was totally useless. i mean, how often do you look in the classifieds and see philosopher wanted?",chandler,"sure. (my god, thats a big head! it didnt look this big in the office. maybe its the lighting. my head must look like a golf ball at work. all right, dont get"
russian to roman alphabet,"gabriela horber dedicated to the great work of eric aasen, guineapig and many, many more",chandler,hello?  hello?
monica,i love my new job!,chandler,"honey, youre screaming."
ever! the kitchen,twice as big as allessandros.,chandler,"oh, thats great."
monica,"yeah, a-a-and clean. not just health department clean... monica clean.",chandler,awesome.
phoebe,"okay, i knew i should have had this conversation with joey.",chandler,"funniest guy shes ever met! im funny, right...? what do you know, youre a door... you just like knock-knock jokes...  save it for inside!"
monica,heeeeeey!,chandler,hey!
phoebe,hey!,chandler,"so... oklahoma is a crazy place. you know, they call it the sooner state. frankly id sooner be in any other state.  and whats with oklahoma having a pan handle? can all states have stuff like that? hey yeah, im from the waistband, wyoming. but when i was seven, we headed over to the crotch."
monica,was your cabin pressurised?,chandler,and dont get me started on the way that people from tulsa talk.
phoebe,okay.,chandler,"whats with the word yall? you know, just... two words just... pushed together... are we all allowed to do that, because if so, i say why stop there? you know, your new poodle could be your noodle. and fried chicken? could be fricken.waiter, waiter excuse me, ill have the fricken?  see, thats... thats funny with the fricken, right?"
monica,"no, it just remind me of something this guy did today at work. i told you about that funny guy, geoffrey, right?",chandler,"yeah, he came up..."
monica,"well, he did this bit... you probably had to be there, but it was liza minelli locked in our freezer, eating a raw chicken.",chandler,were you there?
ross,you gotta be at least bi...,chandler,"hey!  i need you to set me up for a joke. later, when monica is around, i need you to ask me about fire trucks."
joey,ooh. i-i dont know chan. im not so good with remembering lines.,chandler,"well, thank god your livelihood doesnt depend on it."
joey,"i know, right? wh... wh... why are we doing this?",chandler,monica says that her maitre d. is the funniest guy shes ever met.
joey,seriously? she actually said that?,chandler,yes! am i crazy to be this upset?
joey,nooooo! being funny is your thing!,chandler,yeah!
joey,"without that, you just got lame with women.",chandler,ye....
joey,"monica, you have to do some damage control here, okay. cause hes feeling like...",chandler,hey!
joey,heeeyy! hey!,chandler,what are you guys talking about?
ross,uhm... rachel and i hired a male nanny.,chandler,you got a man whos a nanny...? you got a manny...?
monica,"ohhh, ooohhh... you are on a roll, mister!",chandler,"if id known you guys were coming over, i would have brought more pizza."
monica,"okay, okay... chandler you... you stop it!",chandler,what is so funny about that?
monica,"well, i dont know... i-its... just the way you say it... i mean, youre funny... you have that funny thing. youre a funny guy!",chandler,did you tell her what we talked about?
joey,yeah....,chandler,so those were pity laughs? pity laughs?
monica,"honey, listen... you have nothing to worry about with geoffrey.",chandler,oh yeah? is he funnier than me?
monica,"well, youre... youre different funny... i mean, youre... youre more sarcastic a-a-and... well, he does... bits... and impressions... and... and limericks...",chandler,"i do limericks... uhm... there once was a man named chandler, whose wife made him die inside."
joey,i am learning so much from you.,chandler,"well, im off to tulsa, so if your maitre d. friend has any funny oklahoma jokes, tell him to e-mail me at www.hahanotsomuch.com."
monica,"honey, you can relax. last night at work, geoffrey told this really sexist joke. after that, not so funny anymore.",chandler,"really...? see... thats the thing: you gotta keep it smart, people!"
monica,"okay, dont miss that flight. you know i love you.",chandler,i love you too.  and... i like you as a friend.
joey,allright. see you later!,chandler,see ya!
phoebe,fine! i’ll do it without you!  i don’t need you or anybody else! i’m gonna make it on my own!  you’ll see!! you’ll all see!!,chandler,"so uh, what’s this thing you’re auditioning for?"
joey,that’s the title! yeah! y’know they really lucked out that the initials spell cheese.,chandler,that is lucky.
joey,"well, don’t get your hopes up, because probably not gonna happen.",chandler,"now-now, why would you say that joseph?"
rachel,"ugh, how can you even ask that question?!",chandler,"whoa, shes pretty."
joey,"its like, you got so many lines to learn so fast, that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one. so while youre thinkin of it, you take this big pause where you look all intense, you know, like this.",chandler,"oh, ok."
joey,"cmon, you guys. this is a real movie, and al pacinos in it, and thats big!",chandler,"oh no, its terrific, its- its- yknow, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, youve finally been able to crack your way into show business."
ross,it’s your turn.,chandler,"oh, are we playing this?!"
joey,hey.,chandler,hey! how’d the audition go?
ross,totally!,chandler,so it did go well.
ross,great!,chandler,oh that’s great!
joey,"yeah-yeah, it’s down to me and two other guys.",chandler,oh my god!
ross,"oh, i love that guy!",chandler,"oh-oh, what are you doing?"
joey,i’m just so nervous! y’know? the callback isn’t until tomorrow at five. i feel like my head is going to explode!,chandler,"well, it is overdue."
ross,"yeah, none of us have to deal with pressure at our jobs.",chandler,"yes, fran. i know what time it is, but im looking at the wenus and im not happy!"
joey,"i want this part so much! y’know? if i don’t get this part i’m never gonna eat macaroni and cheese again!—no, i didn’t say that! that’s a lie.",chandler,"oh come on guys, it’s not like i moved to europe! i just moved across the hall! and we would have you over all the time if it weren’t for  monica’s allergies.  you’re right, i could never lie to you. she hates you.  should i get that?  hello?  uh no, joey’s not here right now. can i"
monica,ahh! aren’t you dressed yet?,chandler,am i naked again?!
monica,we’re supposed to meet my parents in 15 minutes.,chandler,"yeah okay, i was just talking to the guys. just look at them i mean, is it okay if they come visit?"
monica,wh?! what about my allergies?!,chandler,"oh right, your allergies. all her, she hates you."
joey,yes!! ha-ha!! all right! hey! how cool would it be if you could watch like a real life-sized version of this? huh? i mean how crazy would that be?,chandler,as crazy as soccer?
audition’s not ‘til 5,"00!  well, nobody told me!  who’d you talk to?  nevermind!",chandler,you mean you didn’t get it from this?
joey,the allergy guy got the part! thanks!,chandler,"well, maybe we can fix it y’know? maybe we can send him some-some big-big flowers and scare him!"
joey,how could you do this to me chandler?! this part could’ve turned my whole career around!,chandler,"i messed up. okay? i’m sorry, i really messed up."
joey,"hey, you don’t even live here anymore! what are you doing answering my phone? i have my machine!",chandler,"which i bought for ya. taught ya how to use it. you thought it was a copier. look, if there was anything i could do, i would do it. okay? but everybody’s allowed one mistake, right?"
phoebe,its not that bad.,chandler,"oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you dont have to walk around"
phoebe,"chandler, chandler.",chandler,"i pity the fool who puts on my jewelry, i do, i do. i pity the"
joey,and what?! did you sleep with her?!,chandler,no! no! no! i just kissed her.
joey,what?!! that’s even worse!!,chandler,how is that worse?!
joey,i don’t know! but it’s the same!,chandler,"you’re right, i have no excuses! i was totally over the line."
joey,"over the line?! you-you’re-you’re so far past the line, that you-you can’t even see the line! the line is a dot to you!",chandler,"look, i’m not saying that you should magically forgive me! but you’re not perfect! you’ve made some errors in judgment too!"
joey,name one!,chandler,what happened?!!
joey,"awww, man! he promised he wouldn’t take the chairs!!",chandler,what the hell happened?!! how were you locked in?!! and where the hell is all of our stuff?!!
joey,"well, this guy came by to look at the unit and-and he said he didn’t think big enough to fit a grown man!",chandler,so--you got in voluntarily?!
joey,"i was tryin’ to make a sale!! oh, man, if i ever run into that guy again, do you know what i’m gonna do?",chandler,bend over?!!!
lorraine,"hi, joey.  well well, look what you brought.",chandler,...and what did you bring?
lorraine,"shes checking the coats. joey, im gonna go wash the cab smell off my hands. will you get me a white zinfandel, and a glass of red for janice.",chandler,janice?
janice,oh.... my.... god.,chandler,joeys tailor...took advantage of me.
joey,no way! ive been going to the guy for 12 years.,chandler,"oh come on! he said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite..."
ross,what?,chandler,cupping.
joey,i said name one!,chandler,i can’t believe i did this! what an idiot!
monica,"oh, stop beating yourself up! people make mistakes! these things happen! there aren’t any message you’ve forgotten to give me are there?  apparently you’re not very good at it! i…",chandler,do you think he’ll ever forgive me?
rachel,of course he will! but chandler the most important thing is you forgive yourself!,chandler,y’know what? i-i kinda have.
monica,y’know what? he will forgive you. and i like to bring a pad with me when i go answer the phone just in case…  okay…,chandler,"you didn’t see how mad he was, y’know?"
rachel,"and hey! just so you know, it’s not that common! it doesn’t happen to every guy! and it is a big deal!!",chandler,i knew it!!!!
joey,"okay, buddy-boy. here it is. you hide my clothes, im wearing everything you own.",chandler,oh my god!
joey,"yeah. whew, its hot with all of this stuff on. i ah, i better not do any, i dont know, lunges.",chandler,"joey? got you a joey special, two pizzas! joe?   hello?  damnit!  hello?  no, joey’s not here right now, but i can take a message i think.  he’s still got a chance for the part?! oh, that’s great news!  well no obviously not for the actor who was mauled by his dog.  oh well, that’s great. i will give joey the message. thank you!"
joey,hey!,chandler,please tell me you got the message!
joey,what message?,chandler,"the actor playing mac couldn’t do it, they needed to see you at 2 o’clock."
joey,what?! it’s 6 o’clock!,chandler,"du-du-i wrote it, i wrote it on the board! i wrote it on the board, then i went all over new york city looking for ya! i went to ross’s! i went to the coffeehouse! i went to any place that they made sandwiches!"
joey,i can’t believe this chandler!,chandler,sorry! i-i-i don’t know what to say.
joey,well you-you-you-you might say congratulations! i saw the board! i went to the audition! i got the part!!,chandler,is that supposed to be funny! i was really worried over here!
joey,"oh, well i’m uh…",chandler,"y’know, sometimes that fake out thing is just mean!"
joey,"oh wow! okay man, i’m sorry. i did not mean to make you feel bad.",chandler,well that’s good. because you didn’t! and i’m incredibly happy for ya!!
joey,that’s mean! you really had me going there!,chandler,"oh, we could do this all day."
joey,"yeah, you’re right. okay look, listen, let’s talk about what a huge star i’m gonna be!",chandler,you are gonna be a huge star! i’m gonna hug ya!
joey,you hug me!,chandler,all right!
joey,"hey, do we do this too much?",chandler,"i think so. yeah, get off me."
ross,totally.,chandler,wow! that ripped! that ripped real nice!
joey,"how many times do i have to tell you! ya, turn and sliiiide! yknow, turn and slide.",chandler,"you don’t turn and slide, you throw it out! i’m tired of having to get a tetanus shot every time i get dressed!"
joey,"look, we’re not throwing it out! i built this thing with my own hands!",chandler,"all right, how about we, how ‘bout we sell it."
joey,"all right. but, you’re gonna have to tell them.",chandler,do you mind if we stick you in another cabinet?  they seem all right with it!
ross,"hey, here’s a question; where did you guys get the finest oak east of the mississippi?",chandler,"uh-huh, first you tell us where you got the prettiest lace in all the land."
ross,yeah.,chandler,"stunning entertainment center. fine,  fine italian craftsmanship."
rachel,why? i love that thing.,chandler,you want it?
phoebe and rachel,oh no.,chandler,"ahh, gepeto, $5,000 dollars? are you insane?"
joey,"hey, the ad alone cost 300 bucks!",chandler,"all right look, i’m changing it to 50 bucks, or your best offer."
joey,what kind of profit is that?! and you call yourself an accountant.,chandler,nooo.
joey,oh. what do you do?,chandler,i can’t believe you don’t know what i do for a living!
joey,"dude, phoebe’s mom has got a huge peni...",chandler,let it go!!
joey,"well, there were a couple of calls last night, but ah, i don’t think any of them are gonna work out.",chandler,"yes, joey has a very careful screening process. apparently, not everyone is qualified to own wood and nails."
joey,pretty nice?,chandler,"you’ll have to pardon my roommate, he wanted to marry this."
tony,"we don’t have 50 bucks, but would you be willing to trade for it? we’ve got a canoe.",chandler,"yknow, i, i really don’t think we need a canoe."
tony,you gotta take the canoe!,chandler,"all right, just, just take the entertainment center, and then when you get home, throw the canoe away!"
monica,"he is right, isn’t he?",chandler,"yknow what, i think this might be one of the times he’s wrong."
all,you think?,chandler,"oh-no, he’s right."
rachel,all right!!,chandler,i’m coming already!!
chip,"yeah, they still wear underwear.",chandler,oh my god!!!
joey,what?!!,chandler,are you all right?!
joey,yeah...,chandler,what happened?!!
joey,"awww, man! he promised he wouldn’t take the chairs!!",chandler,what the hell happened?!! how were you locked in?!! and where the hell is all of our stuff?!!
joey,"well, this guy came by to look at the unit and-and he said he didn’t think big enough to fit a grown man!",chandler,so—you got in voluntarily?!
joey,"i was tryin’ to make a sale!! oh, man, if i ever run into that guy again, do you know what i’m gonna do?",chandler,bend over?!!!
monica,oh my god! what happened?,chandler,"oh, umm, joey was born, and then 28 years later, i was robbed!!"
ross,"hey! so ah, what did the insurance company say?",chandler,"oh, they said uh, “you don’t have insurance here, so stop calling us.”"
phoebe,"yeah, okay, listen, umm, mom, i hope you know you still mean a lot to me. and you’re welcome to come back anytime.",chandler,"pheebs, if she could come back as a couch, we’d really appreciate it."
joey,"dude, you don’t have to brag! we got nothing here!!",chandler,i cant believe you would actually say that. i would much rather be mr.peanut than mr.salty.
rachel,"oh, that is so sick.",chandler,i feel violated. and not in a good way.
phoebe,"how can people do that?...  oh, you guys, look! ugly naked guy got gravity boots!",chandler,"i am telling you, years from now, schoolchildren will study it as one of the greatest first dates of all time. it was unbelievable! we could totally be ourselves, we didnt have to play any games..."
monica,so have you called her yet?,chandler,"let her know i like her? what are you, insane?  its the next day! how needy do i want to seem?  im right, right?"
phoebe,"oh, god, just do it!  call her! stop being so testosteroney!",chandler,"which, by the way, is the real san francisco treat.  i got her machine."
joey,her answer machine?,chandler,"no, interestingly enough her leaf blower picked up."
phoebe,"so, uh, why didnt you say anything?",chandler,"oh, no-no-no-no. last time i left a spontaneous message i ended up using the phrase yes indeedy-o."
phoebe,that man across the street just kicked that pigeon!  oh!,chandler,"and basically, thats how a bill becomes a law."
all,oh!... right!,chandler,hey rach!
rachel,"yeah, but it was different with him today! and he wasnt, like, orthodontist guy, yknow? i mean, we had fun! is there anything wrong with that?",chandler,yes!
rachel,why?,chandler,i have my reasons.
rachel,"ooh, and its so nice having this little sink here...",chandler,"oh, danielle! i wasnt expecting the machine... give me a call when you get a chance.  bye-bye.  oh god!"
monica,thats what youve been working on for the past two hours?!,chandler,"hey, ive been honing!"
ross,what was with the dishes?,chandler,"oh, uh.. i want her to think i might be in a restaurant.. yknow? i might have some kind of life, like i havent been sitting around here honing for the past few hours."
joey,"yeah, toast, oatmeal... nothing that spatters.",chandler,what are you looking at me for? i didnt know that.
rachel,what?!,chandler,can i use your phone?
monica,"yeah.. uh, but for future reference, that thing in your hand can also be used as a phone.",chandler,"yes, its working! why isnt she calling me back?"
phoebe,"yknow, if you want, you can call her machine, and if she has a lot of beeps, that means she probably didnt get her messages yet.",chandler,ydont think that makes me seem a little...
ross,"...desperate, needy, pathetic?",chandler,"ah, you obviously saw my personal ad."
phoebe,how many beeps?,chandler,she answered.
monica,"ysee, this is where youd use that hello word we talked about.",chandler,"im not gonna talk to her, she obviously got my message and is choosing not to call me. now im needy and snubbed. god, i miss just being needy."
rachel,"please. if she said to you, ross, i want you on this couch, right here, right now, what would you say?",chandler,"if it helps, i could slide over."
ross,"i just have to go, all right? do i need a reason? huh? i mean i have things to do with my life, i have a jam packed schedule, and i am late- for keeping up with it. okay?",chandler,hello? hello?
rachel,"hello? mindy! hi! hey, how are you?  yes, yes, ive heard, congratulations, that is so great.  really?  oh.  okay. okay, well im working tomorrow, but if you want you can, you can, you can come by and...  okay...  great...  great...  all right, so ill, so ill see you tomorrow!  okay..  okay...  bye.  oh god. oh god. oh god.",chandler,so hows mindy?
monica,brrrrrrr!,chandler,hell is filled with people like you.
rachel,get down?,chandler,...and boogie!
joey,"oh, hold up, ill walk out with you. now, rach, when she taught you to kiss, you were at camp, and.. were you wearing any kinda little uniform, or-  thats fine, yeah...",chandler,"okay, im gonna go to the bathroom. will you watch my phone?"
monica,why dont you just take it with you?,chandler,"hey, we havent been on a second date, she needs to hear me pee?"
monica,why dont you just call her?,chandler,"i cant call her, i left a message! i have some pride."
monica,do you?,chandler,"no!  danielle, hi! its, uh, its chandler!  im fine. uh, listen, i dont know if you tried to call me, because, uh, idiot that i am, i accidentally shut off my phone.  oh, uh, okay, thats fine, thats great.  okay.   shes on the other line, shes gonna call me back.  shes on the other line, shes gonna call me back, shes on the other line, gonna call me back..."
monica,dont you have to pee?,chandler,swhy im dancing...
ross,four letters: circle or hoop.,chandler,"ring dammit, ring!"
joey,"hey, you know our phones not working?",chandler,what?!
joey,"i tried to call you from the coffee shop, and there was no answer.",chandler,"i turned it off. mother of god, i turned it off!"
joey,"hey, so listen, i went across the street and talked to the doorman- i got the peepers name! can i use the phone?",chandler,nngghhh!!!!!!!
danielle,chandler?,chandler,"danielle! hi! uh- everybody, this is danielle, danielle, everybody."
all,hi. hi.,chandler,what are you doing here?
danielle,"well, ive been calling you, but it turns out i had your number wrong. and when i finally got the right one from information, there was no answer. so i thought id just come down here, and make sure you were okay.",chandler,"...im, im okay."
danielle,"listen uh, maybe we could get together later?",chandler,"that sounds good. ill call you- or you call me, whatever..."
danielle,you got it.,chandler,okay.
ross,second date!,chandler,...i dunno.
rachel,you dont know?!,chandler,"well, she seems very nice and everything, but that whole thing about her coming all the way down here, just to see if i was okay? i mean,... how needy is that?"
joey,ross! way to suck up to the family.,chandler,ha-ha-ha--enh-enh. im so glad you guys are all here! my office finally got wrinkle free fax paper!
joey,hey!,chandler,"oh no-no-no-no-no-no, vomit tux! no-no, vomit tux!"
phoebe,"okay, cause right after my mom killed herself, i was just in this really bad place, yknow personally. so, i just thought that itd make me feel better if i wrote to sesame street, cause they were so nice when i was a little kid! no one ever wrote back.",chandler,well yknow a lot of those muppets dont have thumbs.
rachel,"so chandler, have you heard about monicas secret boyfriend?",chandler,"uhh, yeah. she uh, she uh, she uh mightve mentioned him."
monica,"ohh, hes really shy. i-i don’t think hes up to meeting everyone yet.",chandler,"yeah, i dont think hes up to meeting everyone yet."
rachel,i don’t care! i wanna meet this guy whos the best sex she ever had!,chandler,really?! thats what you heard?  you said that?
monica,i mightve said that.  why is that funny?,chandler,"because im very happy for him!  and you, you lucky dog!"
ross,"well, emilys willing to work on the relationship.",chandler,yes!
phoebe,i will find a selfless good deed! cause i just gave birth to three children and i will not let them be raised in a world where joey is right!,chandler,"hey, monica? can i ask you a cooking question?"
monica,sure!,chandler,"if youre cooking on the stove, does that mean that your new secret boyfriend is better in bed than richard?"
monica,"well, yknow i-i-i think im gonna respect the privacy of my new secret boyfriend.",chandler,"why?! i mean if this guy was me and it was me who had learned that it was me who was the best youd ever had, id be going like this."
ross,"so i asked emily if she would come to new york, and she said yes.",chandler,yes!
ross,"i told her id have to think about it. i mean, how the hell am i supposed to make this kind of a decision?  im actually asking you!",chandler,"well, you cant just not see rachel anymore, shes one of your best friends."
phoebe,yeah.,chandler,thats true!
phoebe,"yeah, but youve known rachel since high school and you cannot just cut her out of your life.",chandler,thats true!
joey,"oh, uh, okay, how, how about now?",chandler,"hey, there he is! there he is!"
emeril,"now maybe you just like wanna but the whole duck in there! who cares, yknow? now i got the legs…",chandler,"how many times have i told you guys, you never watch the cooking channel!"
monica,hi chandler.,chandler,hey!
monica,"uh, listen, i need that broiling pan that joey borrowed the other day.",chandler,"oh that was yours? uh, yeah, we used it when the duck was throwing up caterpillars."
monica,"william sonoma, fall catalog, page 27.",chandler,"expect it in 4-6 weeks.  umm, hey, umm, joeys gonna be at the telethon for the rest of the day, we have the whole place to ourselves."
monica,"yeah, so?",chandler,"well i just, thought maybe youd wanna book some time with the best youd ever had."
monica,"yknow what, champ? i think ill pass.",chandler,why?
monica,why?,chandler,whats your point?
phoebe,"oh, look-look, joeys on tv! isnt that great? my pledge got joey on tv! oh that makes me feel—oh no!",chandler,"look, maybe i got carried away before. but theres something you gotta know. if im the best, its only because youve made me the best."
monica,keep talking.,chandler,"i mean i was nothing before you. call the other girls and ask. which wouldnt take long. but when im with you, and were together, oh…my…god."
monica,really?,chandler,"oh-aw my god! now, i understand if you never want to sleep with me again, but that would be wrong. were too good! we owe it, to sex!"
monica,"well, if we owe it?  oh my… when is joey gonna be home?",chandler,"well, i was kinda hoping we could do this without him.  oh no-no-no, leave the gloves on."
monica,"but, i just cleaned the bathroom.",chandler,"yeah, why dont we lose the gloves."
monica,yeah.,chandler,"all right, lets show them how its done."
monica,ow!,chandler,yknow that wasnt part of it?
monica,never done that before.,chandler,nope.
joey,food? uh-huh gimme!,chandler,so did monica tell you about this great band called the swing kings that we’re trying to get to play at the wedding?
phoebe,since when are you into swing music?,chandler,oh since forever! i used to go all over town listening to bands!
monica,chandler.,chandler,gap commercial.  so did you book them? did you call?
monica,i will.,chandler,do you want me to call?
phoebe,what is your job?,chandler,staying out of the way.
ross,"well hello! she’s cute! should we uh, go try to talk to her?",chandler,sure! that’s one of the great things about being engaged. i’m not nervous talking to pretty girls anymore.
ross,"y’know actually it does have a very interesting history. uh, this street is the first street in the city to have an underground sewer system.  before that sewage and waste would just flow right down the street. yeah, sometimes ankle deep!",chandler,smooth.
monica,now!!!!!!!!,chandler,"so ross, how was your date the other night? did you tell her about the magical ride that starts with the flush of every toilet?"
ross,"laugh all you want but uh, she actually left me a message saying she’d like to go out again.",chandler,huh.
joey,hey chandler!,chandler,hey!
joey,"listen, sorry i didn’t stop by last night but i had a date.",chandler,"uh joe, when it’s one o’clock in the morning and you don’t come by? that’s okay!"
joey,"well check it out, i was with this really hot girl who just moved in right across the street!",chandler,really? right across the street?
joey,yeah!,chandler,when’d you meet her?
joey,two days ago.,chandler,excellent! y’know ross met somebody too!
ross,hey.,chandler,hi! how’d it go?
ross,oh great! we’re going out again saturday. but i just found she’s also seeing some other guy.,chandler,really?! joe? what would you do if you were in ross’s situation?
ross,well you shouldn’t be. believe me i wouldn’t want to be the guy who’s up against you.  i mean that doofus is going to lose!,chandler,"so this is nice! i wish i didn’t have to go, believe me! but unfortunately i have to.  oh uh, by the way, what’s the name the girl you’re dating?"
joey and ross,kristen lang.,chandler,bye!
ross,yes. yes. just here  and there .,chandler,joey got meat sauce on the banister again!
monica,"phoebe, he’s gotta be in the room for that to work.",chandler,what are you guys talking about?
rachel,"yeah, i went to a wedding once where they had swing music and uh, two months later the couple got divorced. and now i’m not saying that there’s any connection here y’know, but they did tell me that’s why they got divorced.",chandler,but i love swing music!
phoebe,yeah but the swing kings? y’know they suck so much that people actually die at their concerts—they just stop living.,chandler,"look all i know is when monica and i went to see them, we had fun! and there’s another reason too."
rachel,"well, what is the other reason?",chandler,i don’t want to say.
rachel,well you have to because maybe it’s stupid.,chandler,well it’s just while monica and i were dancing to them it was…the first time i knew that…you were the woman i wanted to dance all my dances with.
ross,probably around gonorrhea.,chandler,"hi, honey! i’m home!"
monica,don’t come in here!,chandler,why? do you another boyfriend in there or something?
monica,no! we only mess around at his place!,chandler,"y’know it’s funny i started it but, now it’s scary me. so could you come out here please?"
monica,"no, i’m wearing a wedding dress.",chandler,oh you got a wedding dress? that’s great!
monica,yeah but i’m not keeping it.,chandler,well then why can’t i see it?
monica,"oh. i guess you can. okay but; i-i have to return it, so you can’t like it.",chandler,okay i promise. i’ll-i’ll hate it.  wow! you-you look…hideous.
monica,really?,chandler,"yeah, that’s like the most ugliest dress i’ve ever seen. wh-why do you to return it?"
monica,"oh because it doesn’t…really fit. oh by the way, i-i booked the swing kings.",chandler,oh that’s great! great! thanks! but that dress i mean it’s like yuck! it’s terrible! it makes me wanna just rip it right off of you!
monica,"okay! but you can’t rip it. well, maybe a little.",chandler,okay! ending credits
monica,hey guys! do you wanna look at the song list for the wedding?  guys?,chandler,i thought you were gonna be gone all day.
rachel,do you guys know any cute guys?,chandler,"well, of course i do! my good friend joey over here."
rachel,"well, someone that has his own tux, or has the ability to rent a tux.",chandler,so he has to be a male who has at least $50.
elizabeth,i’m the student.,chandler,isn’t she cute?  no!
ross,oh that is quite all right ma’am.,chandler,"so, why is she leaving? is it a school night and she has a lot of homework to do?"
ross,"yes, her molecular epidemiology paper is due tomorrow.",chandler,"oh, tell her good luck with that."
monica,"chandler, do you think we talk about our relationship enough?",chandler,yeah. do we have any fruit roll-ups?
phoebe,"okay, i just thought of the perfect guy for rachel to take to her thing.",chandler,oh that’s so funny because we found someone too.
phoebe,"oh that’s good, i guess she’ll have a choice between my guy and your weirdo.",chandler,why would our guy be a weirdo?
phoebe,"my guy is a lawyer who has volunteer work. and, he has one of these",chandler,a face ass?
phoebe,have you seen your guy’s body?,chandler,"no, our guy is just a floating head."
phoebe,"oh yeah, like there are police for that!",chandler,wait! you look? you-you massaged me.
phoebe,my guy is well read.,chandler,our guy has great hair.
phoebe,my guy has great teeth!,chandler,our guy smells incredible.
monica,do you want our guy to be your guy?,chandler,hey.
joey,huh.,chandler,"well, you…don’t look good joe."
joey,"the fridge broke. i have to eat everything. cold cuts, ice cream, limes—hey, what was in that brown jar?",chandler,that’s still in there?!
joey,"not anymore. so anyway, how do you want to pay me?",chandler,is this a service you’re providing me?
joey,no! no! no! for my new fridge—our new fridge!,chandler,our new fridge? i don’t live here anymore.
joey,"so what? look, suppose we were a divorced couple.",chandler,uh-huh.
joey,"and i got custody of the kid, right? now suppose the kid dies and-and i gotta buy a new kid.",chandler,okay…
ross,"you don’t understand! elizabeth was about to ask me to go on a trip with her! is that taking it slow?! no, i’m not ready for this! okay? what-what do i tell her?",chandler,just tell her the truth! tell her you’re not ready.
ross,"i can do that. oh-oh, what if she gets upset?",chandler,then you distract her with a barbie doll.
joey,"oh-ho-ho, you think i don’t know what breaks my fridge? excuse me!  well what do you know! broken! that’ll be $400!",chandler,"joey, i saw you push him!"
joey,"all right. chandler, do you remember how i told you about our fridge?",chandler,uh-huh.
ross,hey!,chandler,hey!
ross,"huh? oh-oh, it was fine. uh, it was just a misunderstanding. she didn’t want me to go with her. she just wanted to let me know that she’s going to florida for spring vacation.",chandler,"wait a minute, is she going for spring vacation or is she going for spring break?"
ross,i went to egypt with my dad.,chandler,"i can see it now, look dad, it’s the sphinx!"
ross,i’m gonna call her.,chandler,yeah.
rachel,"well, y’know what though you guys? i really appreciate that but i think i’m just gonna take sebastian to the charity.",chandler,are you sure?! because our guy smells incredible!
phoebe,"no reason, it’s just i know a single guy that cares about other people.",chandler,are you funny?
sebastian,okay! see you later!,chandler,turns out he is kinda funny.
rachel,i cannot believe you guys! he was really nice and he left because of you!,chandler,"yeah, but sebastian? what is that? a cat’s name?"
rachel,all right.,chandler,"okay, so you will meet our guys?"
rachel,"yes, i’ll meet ‘em.",chandler,"okay now it doesn’t matter which one you choose, y’know? it’s completely up to you. our guy is perfect, or you can go out with the guy phoebe deemed not good enough to go out with herself."
phoebe,okay.,chandler,"well, there you are! so what did elizabeth say?"
joey,"man, she is going to have a great time! is she staying at the hotel corona?",chandler,you know the hotels?
ross,"well, what is she goes down and-and sleeps with a bunch of guys?",chandler,"well, maybe you don’t marry this one."
monica,hey!,chandler,good-good-good-good.
monica,hey!,chandler,hey!
rachel,i don’t know. i know i don’t work late tomorrow night.,chandler,"tomorrow night is good. tomorrow night is good, but uh, y’know what? why put off something till tomorrow that you can do right now?  eldad come here!"
rachel,well-well a little blind sided but y’know good.,chandler,"eldad, sit down.  move over! move over now!"
rachel,i—ohh!,chandler,there you go! there you are!
patrick,hi.,chandler,"hi.  okay, you’re too late okay? because she’s already with our guy."
monica,rachel! rachel! you haven’t touched eldad’s hair!,chandler,it is the softest hair! touch it!
monica,"that’s right patrick, bye-bye!",chandler,eldad is much more cooperative! and he can dance!  you dance for rachel!
rachel,"oh that’s all right! y’know, i ended up having a really good time. y’know, the charity was a big success and they raised a lot of money and awareness.",chandler,so what was it for anyway?
joey,"ahh, to be 13 again.",chandler,yeah.
ross,"remember when sometimes hed borrow your hat, and, and when you got it back thered be little monkey raisins in it.",chandler,"yeah, well sure, when he did it, it was funny. when i did it to my bosss hat. . . all of the sudden i have this big attitude problem."
ross,"well, theres this, uh, paleontology conference in l.a. so i figured id go and then drive down to the zoo and surprise marcel.",chandler,"you know i think he will be surprised, till he realizes hes a monkey, and uh, you know, isnt capable of that emotion."
joey,"ok, well just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she wont know its me cause weve never met.",chandler,thats how radio stars escape stalkers.
lipson,"yes, and come see the bird show at 4. the macaws wear hats. well its a lot cuter if your monkey hasnt just died.",chandler,"oh no no no, shes a total wack job. yeah, she thinks that joey is actually dr. drake remore."
ross,"well, i tracked down marcel and get this, hes healthy, hes happy, and hes right here in new york filming outbreak ii - the virus takes manhattan.",chandler,"what, you never look down in the shower? oh please. im not allowed to make one joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?"
susie,"im susie moss. fourth grade, glasses, i used to carry around a box of animal crackers like a purse.",chandler,"susie moss, right, yeah, wow, you look. . . great job growing up."
susie,"remember the class play? you, you pulled up my skirt and the entire auditorium saw my underpants.",chandler,"yes, back then i, uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. thank god i dont do that anymore."
rachel,"i, i dont know, um, do you think youre cute? ok, were kinda gettin off the track here. um, i was supposed to come here and tell you my friend thinks youre cute. so what should i tell her?",chandler,"no, stephen hurs was the kid who would eat anything for money, david stein was the guy who had no elbows."
ross,"hey joey i have to cancel racketball for tonight, that was marcels trainer. hes gonna let me have him for a couple of hours.",chandler,"ive met the perfect woman. ok, were sitting on her couch, were fooling around, and then suddenly she turns to me and says, do you ever want to do it in an elevator?"
susie,"well i was thinking it would be um, kind of sexy if you wore mine tonight, at dinner.",chandler,"well, if i was wearing your underwear then, uh, what would you be wearing?. . . youre swell."
susie,alright. now i would like to see you wearing nothing but them. take your clothes off.,chandler,"ok, but uh, i hope you realize this means were gonna miss hearing about the specials."
joey,"great, you can cover chandler.",chandler,"no, no, no, i don’t, i don’t really wanna play."
joey,come on man! you never want to do anything since you and janice broke up.,chandler,that’s not true! i wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. i wanted to start drinking in the morning. don’t say that i don’t have goals!
joey,"chandler, you have to start getting over her. all right, if you play, you get some fresh air, maybe it’ll take your mind off janice, and if you don’t play, everyone will be mad at you ‘cause the teams won’t be even. come on.",chandler,"yeah, all right, i’ll play."
monica,"well, every, every thanksgiving um, we used to have a touch football game called the ‘geller bowl.’",chandler,"no, no, no, you say that proudly."
ross,"yes, it was the trophy you got if you won the game. but our dad said, ‘nobody won that game, ‘ and he was sick of our fighting, so he took the trophy and....  threw it in the lake.",chandler,and was the curse lifted?
ross,"all right, we’re gonna play.",chandler,"but wait a minute though, how are we gonna get there, though, because my mom won’t let me cross the street."
joey,"all right, we have to pick captains.",chandler,and then tineals.
monica,"all right people listen, i’ve got exactly twenty-eight minutes before i have to baste again.",chandler,wow! just like in the pros.
monica,break.,chandler,the ball is janice. the ball is janice.
ross,oww!! son of a...!! ow! come on!,chandler,"sorry. i’m sorry. yknow what, we’re just gonna throw it."
ross,"yeah, losers talk!",chandler,"no, no, no, actually losers rhyme."
ross,yeah!,chandler,hike!
rachel,i almost caught that one!,chandler,"great! now, the score is 7 to almost 7."
ross,"one-mississippi, two-mississippi, switch! switch! switch!!",chandler,"no, no, no, no, no!"
joey,"i’m sorry dutch, i didn’t get that last little bit.",chandler,"hey joey, do you wanna play football or you wanna..  hi, i’m chandler."
margha,mar-gha.,chandler,mar-haaaan.
chandler and joey,yeah! why don’t you stick around. you can sit right there.,chandler,"well, that went well."
joey,i think so.,chandler,"yknow, i was thinking about ah, asking her for her number."
joey,"thanks man, but i think it makes a stronger statement if i ask for it myself, yknow.",chandler,"whoa-ho, whoa! no, i was thinking about yknow for me, as a part of that whole getting over janice thing you were talking about."
joey,"oh, yeah, that. all right, means that much to ya, i’ll let you have her.",chandler,"thanks. what, let me have her?! what do mean? like if you didn’t i wouldn’t have a shot?"
joey,"well i don’t like to say it out loud, but, yeah! don’t feel bad man, we all have our strengths. you’re better with numbers and stuff.",chandler,"math!! you’re giving me math! all right, look yknow what, forget about it, you go for the girl, we’ll see who gets her."
joey,what the hell’s the matter with you?! this is my favourite jersey.,chandler,"well now you have two. hey, i am good at math."
joey,"all right, that’s it. yknow i was still gonna let you have her. but now, forget about it. prepare to feel very bad about yourself.",chandler,"hey! well, i’ve been preparing for that my entire life! or something about you that’s mean!"
joey,after!!,chandler,before!!
ross,the geller cup.,chandler,is everybody else seeing a troll doll nailed to a two by four?
all,yeah.,chandler,"okay, good."
ross,chandler! chandler!,chandler,hi.
margha,"the game is over, we eat now?",chandler,"no-no-no-no, the game’s not over, we’re just switching teams."
ross,"right. okay, let’s play. let’s go.",chandler,"no ah, hold on a second joe, where do dutch people come from?"
joey,"ah well, the ah, pennsylvania dutch, come from pennsylvania.",chandler,"and the other ah, dutch people, they come on from somewhere near the netherlands, right?"
joey,"whoa, whoa, no, no, i-i’m not playing with this guy, now.",chandler,fine with me.
margha,"well, if i had to chose right now, which by the way i find really weird, i would have to say, chandler.",chandler,yes!!
joey,wait a minute! wait a minute! she obviously didn’t understand the question.,chandler,"well, you don’t you have captain hook explain it to her."
margha,"i’m sorry, joey, that is my chose.",chandler,"you hear that! that is her chose, mister i’ll let you have her! i win! you suck! i rule all! a mini-wave in celebration of me!!"
margha,"i’m now thinking i would like to change my answer to, no one.",chandler,wh-what?
joey,nice going. you just saved yourself a couple months of sex.,chandler,"yknow what, it doesn’t matter, ‘cause she picked me. me! from now on i get the dates and you have to stay home on saturday nights watching ready, set, cook!"
ross,"save the breakthroughs for therapy, okay. the clock is ticking. we have no time, and we are losing, we are losing to girls.",chandler,we’re not gonna lose to girls.
joey,thirty seconds left on the timer!,chandler,"okay, okay, so we get to take that stupid troll thing home!"
rachel,i got a touchdown! we did it!!,chandler,"hey-hey-hey rachel, funny thing. actually, the ah, end zone starts at that pole, so you’re five feet short, so we win!"
monica,let go! i’m a tiny little woman!!,chandler,"guys! guys! come on! it’s thanksgiving, it’s not important who wins or loses. the important thing is,  the dutch girl picked me! me! not you! holland loves chandler! thank you, amsterdam! good night!!"
phoebe,isn’t there a national football league.,chandler,"yes. yes, there is, they play on sundays and monday nights."
with help from,darcy partridge,chandler,y’know what? it seems like all of the sudden; so much has happened.
joey,i know. ross is getting married.,chandler,"phoebe is, making people."
joey,everybody’s doing stuff!,chandler,"and we just sit here. i mean if i die the only way people would even know i was here, would be by the ass print on this chair! look, we have to do something. okay? something huge!"
joey,we could climb mt. everest!,chandler,"no-no, not something stupid, something huge."
joey,"no-no-no-no-no, i saw an ad for this video, people climb that thing everyday! we could totally do that!",chandler,"why not?! i mean it’s just, it’s just climbing! it’s just, it’s just steep!"
joey,yeah!,chandler,"we’re going to everest! okay, it would be nice to leave an ass print on everest!"
joey,we’re gonna climb mt. everest!,chandler,yeah baby!
phoebe,"really?! i looked into that. yeah, but, i mean it costs like $60,000 and y’know you can die. and, you would die!",chandler,"yeah, well…"
joey,we could get that everest video though.,chandler,"yeah, we could do that without y’know risking our lives at all!"
joey,"and while we’re down at the video store, you know what else we could rent? die hard!  oh, y’know what? i just remembered, that everest thing is only available through mail order.",chandler,"oh, well…"
phoebe,so you guys’ll stay here and hang out with me?,chandler,yeeeeahhhh.
joey,yeah. yeah.,chandler,but i’ll tell you something. one of these days we’re get off of our buts and rent die hard again!
ross,"i dont want to be single, okay? i just... i just- i just wanna be married again!",chandler,and i just want a million dollars!
rachel,okay! all right! how was she?,chandler,uh-oh.
joey,awful! horrible!,chandler,she was not good. not good.
joey,ewwwww!,chandler,uh-oh.
phoebe,"oooh look! isn’t this adorable, ross let ben address mine!",chandler,hello!
phoebe,"hey! hey, did you get your invitation to ross’s wedding?",chandler,noo.
phoebe,i’m so jealous you’re all going! i can’t believe i never knew that you can’t fly in your third trimester!,chandler,i didn’t know that.
rachel,what’s this? is this ross’s wedding invitation?,chandler,"see, maybe that’s the one we should’ve actually hidden."
rachel,"oh, honey, i don’t know. i…",chandler,"this isn’t one of those uh, y’know if she doesn’t come, we-we don’t, we don’t come? right? because i already bought my ticket…"
rachel,whos this from?,chandler,"oh, thats rosss."
monica,i cant believe he did this.,chandler,"come on, ross? remember back in college, when he fell in love with carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?"
rachel,what did you just say?,chandler,f-hah.... flennin....
rachel,"and hey! just so you know, it’s not that common! it doesn’t happen to every guy! and it is a big deal!!",chandler,i knew it!!!!
monica,"shut up, the camera adds ten pounds.",chandler,"ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you?"
rachel,"i know.  yeah, see, there’s so much to do and i have so little time to do it in.",chandler,"all right, check it out. check this out. it says here that there’s a place you can go to rent videos of all the museums!  it’s almost as good as being there."
joey,it’s better! you can’t go to a museum in your underwear!,chandler,"well, you could, but... probably just the one time."
joey,"i bet we could get videos of all the sites, get a vcr in our hotel room... wed never even have to go outside!",chandler,"if we do that, we gotta get die hard."
joey,oh-ho! i bet the british version is gooooood!,chandler,are you kidding me?! joey. joey! joey! joey! joey! joey! joey! joey! joey! joey!!
joey,joey. joey. joey. joey! joey!!,chandler,"oh. oh, did-did-did i wake you?"
gunther,you don’t need to fill these silences.,chandler,"oh, okay, thanks."
monica,"chandler, that’s like your fourth cup of coffee!",chandler,"well, i am drinking lots of cups of coffee because i’m exhausted! because joey started snoring!"
joey,"oh, you should here me.",chandler,"it’s not something to be proud of, okay? you have to go to a sleep clinic!"
joey,"look, i told ya, i’m not going to any clinic! i don’t have a problem, you’re the one with the problem! you should go to a quit being a baby and leave me alone clinic!",chandler,they don’t have those.
monica,he would just roll me over and i would stop snoring.,chandler,"next time you snore, i’m rolling ya over!"
ross,hey guys!,chandler,"hey, all right!"
monica,okay.,chandler,"oh, she’s got you running errands, y’know, picking up wedding dresses…  wah-pah!"
ross,what’s wah-pah?,chandler,"y’know, whipped! wah-pah!"
joey,that’s not whipped! whipped is wh-tcssh!,chandler,that’s what i did. wah-pah!
the saleslady,and could i get my ring back?,chandler,"all right buddy, time to roll over.   no-no!  no, no-n-n-n-no!! you are going to a clinic! you’re going to a clinic, and a pyjama store!"
joey,this sucks! i didn’t know i had to stay up all night before i went to this stupid sleep clinic! i’m so tired!,chandler,it’s 6:00.
rachel,hi!,chandler,"hey, i hear that you and joshua are going out to dinner with ross and emily, and i think that’s, i think that’s really cool."
rachel,"handling it? what do you mean, handling it? there’s nothing to handle. now, maybe i would have a problem with this if it wasn’t for me and joshua. y’know, they’re not gonna get married anyway!",chandler,what?
rachel,"come on! they rushed into this thing so fast it’s ridiculous! i mean, they’re gonna be engaged for like what? a year? and somewhere along the way, one of them is gonna realise what they’ve done and they’re call the whole thing off. i’m telling ya, you’re gonna be dancing at my wedding before you’re dancing at there’s.",chandler,"yeah, well, i don’t dance at weddings."
rachel,why not?,chandler,"because weddings are a great place to meet women, and when i dance, i look like this…"
ross,hey man.,chandler,hey!
ross,"so, what are you guys doing four weeks from today?",chandler,nothing.
sleep clinic worker,"um-hmm, and did you stay up all night in preparation for your sleep study.  uh, sir?",chandler,yes he did.
sleep clinic worker,"alll right, we’ll call you in a few minutes.",chandler,"hey, check out that girl! she is really hot!"
joey,what?!,chandler,you’re coming on to the entire room!  i’m chandler.
woman,i’m marjorie.,chandler,hi.
marjorie,hi.,chandler,you mind if i…
marjorie,"no, please.",chandler,"so uh, what are you in for?"
marjorie,i talk in my sleep.,chandler,"what a coincidence, i listen in my sleep."
phoebe,"oh, you’re such a cheater!",chandler,hello! little ones.
monica,"so, is joey gonna stop snoring?",chandler,"yep! and! a beautiful woman agreed to go out with me.  joey wanted to ask her out, but uh, she picked me."
phoebe,"oh, how’d that happen?",chandler,because i’m cooler.
monica,"no, seriously.",chandler,"well she’s, she’s the kinda girl—joey was unconscious."
joey,i know i don’t have too! it tastes good.,chandler,"plus, you look cool."
joey,dude! i am trying to sleep!,chandler,"so ah, your first sexual experience was with a woman?!"
bonnie,"all right, i was 15, it was my best friend, ruth, and we got drunk on that hard cider, and then suddenly, i don’t know, we were, we were making out.",chandler,tell it again.  seriously.
phoebe,"hey, you guys! look what i found! look at this!  that’s my mom’s writing! look.",chandler,"me and frank and phoebe, graduation 1965."
monica,would you look at them. am i ever gonna find a boyfriend again? i gonna die an old maid.,chandler,"you’re not gonna die an old maid, maybe an old spinster cook."
monica,thanks!,chandler,"hey now besides, if worst comes to worst, i’ll be your boyfriend."
monica,yeah right.,chandler,why is that so funny?
monica,you made a joke right? so i laughed.,chandler,"ha-ha-ha. a little to hard. what am i not ah, boyfriend material?"
monica,"well, no. you’re chandler. yknow, chandler!",chandler,"okay, so we’ve established my name, and hit me. but theoretically yknow, i mean say we weren’t friends, say it’s a blind date. i show up at your door, and i’m like  “hey, nice to meet, ya. hey, oh-hey.”"
rachel,hey!,chandler,hey!
joey,"hey-hey, check out the hat!",chandler,"what a minute, i know that hat! i was taken aboard that hat! they did experiments on me! i can’t have children!!"
rachel,"ohh, thank you.",chandler,"buy it for ya, or win it for ya?"
rachel,"oh, come on!",chandler,big bullies!!
phoebe,"oh, hey!",chandler,hey!
phoebe,"oh, so, how are we doing?",chandler,bored and bored!
all,ohh!!,chandler,yes!
phoebe,"okay.  ooh, yknow we could just do this.",chandler,"okay, umm, we all have to play strip poker."
bonnie,cool! i’ll catch up!,chandler,"so, you still don’t think i’m boyfriend material?"
monica,huh?,chandler,i saw you checking me out during the game last night.
monica,you didn’t even take off your pants.,chandler,"yeah, well, lucky for you."
monica,what?,chandler,i don’t know.
rachel,"well i assume the ah, happy couple isn’t up yet. did you guys hear them last night?",chandler,"oh, yeah, i don’t know what they were doing, but at one point sea turtles actually came up to the house."
phoebe,"yeah, well, don’t “aww pheebs, that sucks!” me yet.",chandler,where ya going?
rachel,i feel...,chandler,"noo!! i don’t care! i’m not, i’m not gonna playing one-on-one strip poker with you for practice!"
ross,"that’s not true! her, she doesn’t even know what she wants! rachel’s still mad about the whole thing.",chandler,"okay, then you gotta back away, all right? you don’t need that kind’ve hurt. take it from a guy who’s never had a long term relationship......"
bonnie,hey!,chandler,ahhhh!
bonnie,"you guys, the water’s great. you should really go in.",chandler,"oh, ahh, no thanks, i just had an m&m."
ross,okey-dokey!,chandler,there is not one hair on that head.
ross,hi.,chandler,hi there.
monica,that’s that weird voice again.,chandler,"okay! okay! let me try it again, you’re gonna wanna date this next guy, i swear!"
phoebe,they have the best stuff in there.,chandler,oh my god! oh my god!
ross,"you think?! god, i, ah, i’m in hell. i mean what, what am i gonna do? rachel’s all like, ‘i love you and, and let’s work on this.’ and all i can think about is, ‘what is she gonna do? what is she gonna say?’ when i tell her what i did.",chandler,"well, before we answer that, i think we should address the more important question. how dumb are you?"
joey,"look, ross look, i’m on board about this totally honesty thing, i am, just not about stuff that’s gonna get you in trouble.",chandler,"he’s right. nobody’s gonna benefit, and you’re just gonna hurt her."
ross,"yeah, but don’t you think....",chandler,"all right look, if you absolutely have to tell her, at least wait until the timing’s right. and that’s what deathbeds are for."
ross,"oh, i-i don’t think there’s any trail.",chandler,"okay, okay-okay, ah, chloe works with that guy issac. issac’s sister is jasmine. and jasmine works at that message place with phoebe. and phoebe’s friends with rachel. and that’s the trail, i did it!"
monica,we were just waxing our legs.,chandler,off?!!
phoebe,"for your information, this happens to be a pain like no man will ever experience.",chandler,"yeah, well i don’t think you can make that statement, unless you’ve been kicked in an area that god only meant to be treated nicely."
phoebe,"oh yeah, come here.",chandler,"oh, that’s mature."
monica,what?,chandler,"nothing, nothing."
phoebe,"oh, i knew something had to be wrong, because my fingernails did not grow at all yesterday.",chandler,"yeah, well, i guess they had a fight, and he got drunk...."
monica,oh!!  you guys knew about this and you didn’t tell us?!,chandler,"he has sex, and we get hit in our heads."
rachel,okay! all right! how was she?,chandler,uh-oh.
joey,awful! horrible!,chandler,she was not good. not good.
joey,ewwwww!,chandler,uh-oh.
phoebe,should we do something?,chandler,"yeah, never cheat on rachel."
rachel,"oh, that is so sweet. i think i’m falling in love with you all over again.",chandler,"yknow what, i think we can go out there. i mean they have more important things to worry about."
ross,"look rachel, i wanted to tell you, i thought i should, i-i did, and then chandler and joey convinced me not to.",chandler,"wax the door shut, we’re never leaving, ever."
phoebe,we could eat the wax! it’s organic.,chandler,"oh great, food with hair on it."
phoebe,"no, not the used wax.",chandler,because that would be crazy?
don’t like it. joey tries some and makes a face like,"‘hey, that’s not so phoebe: they’re gonna get through this, aren’t they?",chandler,"yeah, come on, it’s ross and rachel, they’ve got too."
joey,you think i need a new walk?,chandler,what?
joey,"well yknow, i’ve been walking the same way since high school. yknow, yknow how some guys they walk into a room and everybody takes notice. i think i need a ‘take notice’ walk.",chandler,are you actually saying these words?
joey,maybe she killed him?,chandler,let’s go.
joey,"ohh, no, no. we’re not going to just sit.  shhh.",chandler,"alright, whoever this is, stop calling me!  it’s been six months! it’s not funny!"
joey,"but, i love you.",chandler,"leave me alone! for the love of god, leave me alone!!!"
joey,"hey, how do you spell suspicious?",chandler,why?
joey,because i think this character is going to be suspicious about stuff.,chandler,"yes! chandler bing, 7! chandler bing, 0."
joey,youre driving me crazy with that!,chandler,"okay, ill stop."
joey,"well, you suck! but at least you suck at a mans game now.",chandler,you wanna play?
joey,"chandler, i cant be playing games, ross is gonna be home soon. and i have to write five whole pages if im gonna stick to his schedule.",chandler,"well, so, play for the next 30 minutes and then write until he gets home."
joey,"all right! but uh, listen, what do you say we crank it up a notch?",chandler,im intrigued.
joey,"all right, all we need is a little lighter fluid.",chandler,"okay, but be careful okay, because i wanna get our security deposit back."
joey,"yeah, i think we said good-bye to that when we invented hammer darts.",chandler,do you even remember which part of the wall is not spackle?
joey,"yeah, thats the uh, game we were playing.",chandler,"oh yeah, its great! see you take a tennis ball, a bowl, and some lighter fluid—op! op!"
rachel,"okay, yknow what uh, actually, thats great. that helps a lot. thanks.",chandler,"guys, come on! lets go! the puck drops in 20 minutes! come on, joe!"
joey,i didnt finish my five pages.,chandler,"well, why cant you do them tomorrow?"
joey,yesterdays pages did not reflect my best work.,chandler,"why dont you cut him a little slack? okay? maybe if he relaxes a little bit, hell get some work done."
joey,"dude, if you think fireballs relaxing, youve obviously have never played.",chandler,"the only reason youre doing this to joey is because youre bored. okay, its not his fault that youre unemployed."
ross,"and the reason im doing this is because i am joeys friend. and if you were a good friend, youd be doing the same thing.",chandler,"oh, so being a good friend means acting like a total jerk?"
ross,"how about we settle this right now!  there! now, no ones going to the game. ha-ha-ha!",chandler,i paid for those tickets!
ross,"no you didnt. you said you would, but you never did!",chandler,oh yeah!
joey,"oh, yknow the same thing happened to me one time.",chandler,when did that happen to you?!
joey,dont you remember when we were jogging in the park and we saw that really pretty bird and wanted to take a picture—i didnt have my camera!,chandler,"oh yeah. first off all, chasing the churo guy isnt jogging."
rachel,"oh, great!",chandler,"okay, bye!  oh my god!!"
joey,"yeah, wow, sorry rach.",chandler,i dont believe theyre brother and sister.
rachel,"yeah, okay, ill see you later.",chandler,"oh hey! theres some kids playing in the street, you wanna go down there and give them a project, ruin their day?"
ross,yay!,chandler,"great! now, we can go to the ranger game!  last night!"
ross,"i guess when you dont have so many distractions, its easier for you to focus. huh?",chandler,yeah or also when you dont have somebody breathing down your neck all the live long day!!
joey,"yeah, well, thats fine, but the important thing is that i finished it. and uh, i think its really good, but yknow itd really help me is if i could hear it. so would you guys read it for me?",chandler,all right.
ross,hey man.,chandler,what is up?
ross,"about yesterday, i was really wrong. i am sorry.",chandler,"no, it was me. im sorry. i over reacted."
ross,"maybe it was both of us, but we had our best friends interest…  but we had our best friends interest at heart.",chandler,could i be more sorry.
ross,"i dont know, im one sorry polentologist.  all right joey, we get it.  im sorry.",chandler,im sorry too.
ross,"i am sorry, chandler.",chandler,"i am sorry, ross."
joey,"a handsome man enters.  hey! hows it going guys? i dont know what you two were talking about, but id like to say thanks to both of you. you,  you wouldnt let me give up on myself, and you  well you co-created fireball. the end.",chandler,this took you all day?!
joey,what?! wait-wait-wait! the handsome man was about to enter!!,chandler,hey!
joey,"hey, what is with the secrecy phoebe? huh? and what about this denise, is she cute?",chandler,"pheebs, i don’t understand. how can you have a roommate that none of us know anything about?"
rachel,"yeah, yeah i think i’m gonna find my own place.",chandler,hey-hey! i thought naked thursday’s was just our thing man!
joey,"hey!  dude, some guy just called for you.",chandler,who was it?
monica,"okay listen, y’know when you move in rachel’s room is gonna be empty, you wanna talk about what we want to do with it?",chandler,sure!
monica,"okay, i was thinking we should have a beautiful guest room, right? with a mahogany sleigh bed and bedside tables with flowers on them all the time! and we could have a roll top desk with comment cards on them so people could say how much they loved staying here!! okay, whatever, i really haven’t thought about it that much.",chandler,"well, i like that idea. obviously! i was thinking maybe-maybe-maybe it could be a game room, y’know? i mean you can buy old arcade games like uh, like space invaders and asteroids for $200, the real ones! the big-big ones!"
monica,no.,chandler,"okay so you mean no as in, gee chandler, what an interesting idea. let’s discuss it before we reject it completely."
monica,"oh, i’m sorry. of course i mean that. interesting idea, umm, talk about it, but no.",chandler,"so, that’s it?"
monica,i just don’t think arcade games go in the beautiful guest room. the beautiful guest room is gonna be filled with antiques.,chandler,which is why asteroids is perfect! it’s the oldest game!
monica,what do you have against the beautiful guest room?,chandler,"i don’t have anything against the beautiful guest room, especially since everybody we know lives about 30 seconds away!"
monica,are you mocking me?,chandler,"no, i’m not mocking you,  or you beautiful guest room."
joey,"hey, what’s up?",chandler,"nothing, monica and i had a stupid fight."
joey,"but you’re still moving in together, right? because my ad came out today.",chandler,"wanted. female roommate, non-smoker, non-ugly. nice!"
phoebe,"no. no, i won’t. but i should tell you this, this exact same thing happened to my roommate denise. she moved in with a guy who was secretly married to her and he said he didn’t love her, but he really did, and it just blew up! and that’s how she ended up living with me!   okay, that’s a lie.",chandler,hi.
monica,hi.,chandler,"hi, listen, i’m sorry about before. i don’t need to have a game room. i mean when i was a kid i only played those games because i couldn’t get girls, and now i can ‘em—now, i have you.  not-not that i think that i have you or think of you as property in any sort of way, i see women…"
monica,stop it chandler.  i’m sorry too.,chandler,really?
monica,yeah! oh yes!,chandler,ohh.
monica,"listen, we don’t have to make that a guest room, we can think of something to do with the room together.",chandler,that’s a great idea! we can easily think of a way for us both to enjoy the room.
monica,totally!,chandler,we don’t have to come up with this now.
monica,oh good.,chandler,"hey, y’know what? why don’t we think about changes we can make in the living room?"
monica,changes?,chandler,"yeah, i mean we’re gonna have to move around some furniture to make room for my chair."
monica,you’re-you’re-you’re gonna bring the barca lounger over here?,chandler,is that a problem?
monica,"well, it’s a set and they should probably stay together.",chandler,"oh, that’s cool. then i’ll just bring them both over."
monica,see now-now you’re taking them away from their home.,chandler,"okay, i get it. so, i get nothing! nothing here is mine! everything here is yours! i’ll get up in the morning put on your clothes, and head off to work!"
monica,"yeah-yeah, y’know what? yeah, that’s it-that’s it, everything will be mine! nothing will be yours! that’s-that’s what i said! oh come on, chandler! i’m talking about the barca lounger! it just, it doesn’t match! where is it gonna go?!",chandler,in the game room!
monica,look it is not my fault that your chairs are incredibly ugly!,chandler,all right! that’s fine! that’s fine! i won’t bring over the chairs! i won’t bring anything over! i wouldn’t want to ruin the ambiance over here at grandma’s place!!
joey,"whoa!! now look, don’t be just blurtin’ stuff out. i want you to really think about your answers. okay?",chandler,you can call off the roommate search!  hi! i’ll be living here.
joey,"oh don’t listen to him, he’s just some guy who really wants the apartment, but i don’t think he’s gonna get it.",chandler,why did you take the shower curtain down?
ross,"well, apparently not, and i can’t just stand by and watch two people i care about very much be hurt over something that is so silly. i mean, enough of the silliness!",chandler,"well, why don’t you tell her to stop being silly!"
ross,"okay-okay! two very good points, look i’ve known you both a long time, and i’ve never seen either of you one/millionth as happy as you’ve been since you’ve got together. do you really want to throw that all away over a room? that is so silly. now wh-what is more important, love or silliness?",chandler,"well, we are fond of the silliness, but we also have a soft spot for the love."
monica,love is the best medicine.,chandler,that’s laughter.
monica,why do you do it?,chandler,i don’t know.
ross,"okay! all right! now, chandler you-you wanna live with monica, right?",chandler,"yeah, i do."
monica,that’s very funny!,chandler,"he’s being silly, because he knows that we enjoy the silliness!"
ross,"okay, there are no stupid fights!! this isn’t about the room, this is about what the room…represents! and unfortunately, this room  could destroy you!!",chandler,"yeah, im not so worried."
monica,you still want to move in together right?,chandler,of course!
monica,ross didn’t scare you?,chandler,scared me out of ever wanting to live with him.
monica,"come here, i want to show you something!",chandler,"okay! (they run to the living room where monica has moved the chair back , the coffee table forward , and taped a square outline on the floor.)"
monica,this is where i thought the barca lounger could go! you see you could see the tv and it’s still walking distance to the kitchen.,chandler,oh that’s so sweet! i want to show you something too!
monica,okay!,chandler,"y’know those big-big uh, road signs that say merge?"
monica,uh-hmm.,chandler,"y’know? so i was thinking that we could get one of those signs and hang it over our bed. because, that’s you and i together! merge!"
monica,oh my god! i love that!,chandler,really?!
ross,"you see this, this is a person who is ready to go. phoebe you, oh, you are my star.",chandler,"all right, i took the quiz, and it turns out, i do put career before men.  get up."
ross,"you guys, you know what, you know what, it doesnt matter, because you both have to go get dressed before the big vain in my head pops. so..",chandler,"all right, ross, i just have to do one thing, really quickly, its not a big deal.  get up!!"
ross,"i.....got.....dressed. really, really quickly. okay, okay.  there we go, there we go.",chandler,"you know what, okay, fine. dont get up, you just sit right there. i just hope, you dont mind, you know, my hand right here.  op, not touching, cant get mad! not touching cant get mad! not touching cant get mad!"
ross,"no, no, dont, dont, rub it! dont!  what gets out hummus?! what gets out hummus?!",chandler,"all right, fine, you know what, well both sit in the chair.  im soooo, comfortable."
ross,"okay, look, we have nineteen minutes. okay, chandler, i want you to go and change! okay. and then, when you come back, joey will go change, and hell have vacated the chair. okay. okay.",chandler,"all right! fine! im going. but when i get back its chair sitting, and im the guy whos....sitting in a chair!"
ross,"yeah, which, which we have to leave for in exactly twelve minutes. all right, come on, ill just pick something out for you.",chandler,"all right, you will notice that i am fully dressed. i, in turn, have noticed that you are not. so in the words of a. a. milne, get out of my chair, dillhole!"
ross,"okay, now hold on. joey, why, why cant you just wear the underwear youre wearing now?",chandler,"well, then it looks like somebody is gonna have to give back somebody his cushions."
monica,"uh, michelle. yeah, that was me, i-i dialed your number by mistake.  oh, youre so sweet. yeah, we were a great couple. i know i really miss him. well, you know how it is, its that....",chandler,"you know whats weird. donald duck never wore pants. but whenever hes getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. i mean, what is that about?"
phoebe,get away from that! no!  shes just getting dressed.,chandler,is it wrong that i was totally aroused by that?
ross,"how bout instead you, go get changed!  you, give him back his underwear! im gonna go get a cab, and i want everyone down stairs in two minutes! monica!",chandler,stop it. stop it!
jennifer,previously on friends...,chandler,how did the job stuff go?
ross,so if you take this job youll be moving to paris?,chandler,or facing a bitch of a commute.
rachel,"i mean, ill fly back and forth, theyll fly you out... anything we want.",chandler,my boss said i might be getting a new lamp in my cubicle.
phoebe,you okay with this?,chandler,"well, it makes me feel sad, but..."
phoebe,talking to ross.,chandler,i see.
monica,how is that gonna happen?,chandler,is this the best way to use one of your three magic wishes?
monica,"hey phoebe. hey, tell me what you think. all right. the house next door to the one that were buying in westchester? just went on the market. i wanna take a look at it, but chandler doesnt.",chandler,"we close escrow tomorrow, so seeing another house can only confuse us, and were easily confused. were not very bright."
monica,but what if it is better than ours? should we at least look?,chandler,what do you think pheebs?
phoebe,"well, i think that shirt makes you look like you should work at a baskin robbins... anyway... hey, isnt joeys agent estelle leonard?",chandler,yeah.
phoebe,she died.,chandler,youre kidding!
phoebe,"yeah, last saturday. wow! she was the first black man to fly solo across the atlantic.  oh, wait a minute, i read the wrong one.",chandler,oh yeah?
monica,joeys gonna be *so* upset.,chandler,i know. *he* always wanted to be the first black man to cross the atlantic.
monica,what if he reads it in the paper?,chandler,"unless snoopy says it to charlie brown, i think were okay."
monica,thanks.,chandler,"it feels like we’re cheating on our house. and if we’re gonna cheat, shouldn’t it be with like a hot, younger house, that does stuff that our house won’t do?"
janice,what a small world!,chandler,and yet i never run into beyonce!
janice,"oh, we go way back. before monica made an honest man out of him, chandler used to be my little love muffin! . so? are you guys thinking of getting this house too? ooh! are we gonna have a bidding war? id better warn you, im a toughie",chandler,"dont, dont!"
monica,"no, actually, were buying the house next door.",chandler,why!?
janice,"ooh, that decides it then. i was on the fence. but knowing that you two would be our neighbors? ah! now we have to get it!  ellen, were going to talk numbers.",chandler,this can not be happening!
monica,"okay, the realtor said another couple made an offer. maybe the janices wont get it! maybe the other couple will.",chandler,"the only way that that is going to happen, is if the other couple are the hitlers."
monica,"okay, okay, all right. what if we got both houses? huh? we can turn this house into a guest house.",chandler,"that is a great idea! and by the way, i dont mean to sound distasteful, but when did you start crapping money!?"
monica,"okay, you come up with an idea.",chandler,"alright alright, we still have three hours till escrow closes on our house. we can still get out."
monica,but we love our house.,chandler,will we love it so much with her next door? and shes gonna be louder out here too. just the crickets and  oh my god!
monica,"okay, but if we dont get this house, shes stil gonna show up wherever we go! i mean, at least if shes here, it eliminates the element of suprise. i mean, never again will you have to hear the three words that make your balls jump back up inside your body.",chandler,"well, we have to do something. we cant have her living next door.  oh, that does it too."
janice,"well... i just talked to sid, we are definitely putting in an offer on the house... a-a-and ill bet we get it.",chandler,the hitlers will be so disappointed.
janice,"all right, i got to run. tell monica i say goodbye. and... ill see you later, neighbor.",chandler,wait! i just want you to know that... im so happy youre going to be here.
janice,"oh, me too...",chandler,because... that way... we can pick up where we left off.
janice,huh?,chandler,i never stopped loving you.
janice,oh... my...,chandler,"yeah, yeah, yeah! i want you... i need you... i must have you janice litman goralnik neihosenstein."
janice,"chandler, what are you talking about?",chandler,"now that you live next door, we can be together every day. sid and monica never have to know a thing."
janice,"i dont know what to say... i mean, you know, obviously we have this... heat between us.",chandler,obviously.
janice,"but i love my husband. and i know you love your wife. now, i dont think we should get this house now.",chandler,dont say that. dont tangle the dream and take it away.
janice,"chandler, one of us has got to be strong.",chandler,i understand.
janice,"although, maybe just... one last moment of weakness...  goodbye chandler bing.",chandler,theyre never coming down now.
joey,"no, im on right after this guy shoots himself.",chandler,"whoa, shes pretty."
joey,"its like, you got so many lines to learn so fast, that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one. so while youre thinkin of it, you take this big pause where you look all intense, you know, like this.",chandler,"oh, ok."
joey,im afraid the situation is much worse than we expected. your sister is suffering from a..subcranial hematoma. perhaps we can discuss this over coffee.,chandler,nice!
ross,excellent!,chandler,for a minute there i thought you were actually tryin to smell something.
joey,"all right, all right. damnit braverman, its right there on the chart!",chandler,"thats great. all right, i gotta get to work, i got a big dinosaur bone to inspect."
ross,"no no, thats me.",chandler,"oh, yeah."
ross,oh my god.,chandler,thats a little more relaxed than you want them to get.
monica,"god, this is so hard. i cant decide between lamb or duck.",chandler,"well, of course, lambs are scarier. otherwise the movie wouldve been called silence of the ducks."
ross,"oh, i believe i had the half-drunk cappuccino with the lipstick on the rim.",chandler,"yes, and this with the cigarette butt in it, is that decaf?"
mrs green,"if you didnt pour the coffee, no one would have anything to drink.",chandler,"believe me, sometimes that happens."
rachel,"well, then, you know, couldnt she have just copied my haircut?",chandler,"you know, its funny when my parents got divorced, they sent me to this shrink, and she told me that all kids have a tendency to blame themselves. but in your case its actually kinda true."
phoebe,thats him.,chandler,damn. my mail order grandfather hasnt come yet.
monica,"all right people, were in trouble here. weve only got 12 hours and 36 minutes left. move, move, move!",chandler,"monica, i feel like you should have german subtitles."
monica,"all right, look, ross. i realize that you have issues with carol and susan, and i feel for you, i do. but if you dont help me cook, im gonna take a bunch of those little hot dogs, and im gonna create a new appetizer called pigs in ross. all right, ball the melon.",chandler,"hey! how come im stuck dicing, when he gets to ball the melon."
joey,"it just seems so futile, you know ? all these women, and nothing. i feel like superman without my powers, you know? i have the cape, and yet i cannot fly.",chandler,"well now you understand how i feel every single day, ok? the world is my lesbian wedding."
phoebe,i miss rose.,chandler,"oh, yeah?"
monica,"all right, just trying to start an interesting discussion.",chandler,isnt ben in this?
all,"oh, yeah!",chandler,hey! babe! aren’t you excited we’re going on our honeymoon?
monica,yeah i am!,chandler,"bermuda, bahama, come on pretty mama…"
phoebe,yeah! have a great honeymoon!,chandler,i’d better go pack.
monica,"oh no, i already packed. the only thing i couldn’t find though was your speedo.",chandler,"a speedo? uh, i don’t have a speedo. i’m gonna go pack my regular long bathing suit."
joey,bye.,chandler,"hey, what was that all about?"
monica,"well i guess there is no harm in telling you now, rachel and ross are gonna have a baby.",chandler,what?! i didn’t even know that—why didn’t you tell me?!  why am i talking like this?!
monica,i didn’t think you could keep it a secret.,chandler,what?!  i am an excellent secret keeper. i have kept all of our secrets.
joey,what secrets?,chandler,"oh no-no joey, i am not going to tell you because i am an excellent secret keeper."
joey,you’ll tell me later?,chandler,you already know.
monica,they’re kissing let’s just go around them.,chandler,"oh honey, leave them alone, they’re in love."
monica,did you hear that?! they bumped them up to first class because they are on their honeymoon! come on! let’s act like we’re on our honeymoon.,chandler,we are on our honeymoon.
monica,"you see, if we’d gone around them like i said, we—she would’ve given us those tickets. damnit!",chandler,"25j and k, any chance those aren’t together?"
monica,look at that! look at that! they’re going into the first class lounge! do you know what they have in there?,chandler,no.
monica,me neither! we have to get in!,chandler,just act like you belong.
monica,oh my god! oranges!,chandler,shh!  nice to see you again.
airline employee,"uh sir, may i see your tickets please?",chandler,"yes, of course."
airline employee,"i’m sorry, would you move your thumb? i can’t see the seat number.",chandler,"oh that’s all right, i have it memorized. it’s 1a."
airline employee,"sir, this is not a first class ticket. i’m sorry.",chandler,apology accepted. excuse us.
monica,i can’t believe we’re here.,chandler,oh you’ve got to be kidding me.
man,who are you?,chandler,we’re you just ten seconds later!
woman,well you can have the suite if you want. we don’t care about where we stay. we’re here to celebrate our love together. we don’t have to get free stuff. we just want to be together.,chandler,we need the stuff.
monica,what? are you serious?!  joey smells gas!,chandler,what else is new?
rachel,what is that noise?,chandler,you!
monica,what kind of changes?,chandler,well the vet seems to think that’s she’s becoming a rooster.  we’re getting a second opinion.
phoebe,"oh, they’re just gonna umm, look to see if my endometria layer is thick.",chandler,"oh, i can uh, check that for ya."
joey,she’s mad because i know today’s her laundry day and that means she’s wearing her old lady underpants.,chandler,i can check that for ya.
monica,i just—i can’t believe that you think that you and chandler know me and rachel better than we know you.,chandler,well… we-we do. you can only eat tic tacks in even numbers.
joey,"yeah, what’s that about?",chandler,"and you… ross, i believe, if you check rachel’s bag you will find a half-eaten box of cookies in there."
ross,five.,chandler,"okay, ten bucks says that we can name every item in that bag."
ross,we’ll be starting with apples.,chandler,stop that now!
joey,"okay. uhh, tortilla chips, yogurt.",chandler,diet soda.
ross,yes. yes. yes.,chandler,orange juice.
joey,"okay, the last thing…",chandler,"oh-oh, oh, oh-oh!"
joey,"no-no, not for like another two weeks.",chandler,i got it! scotch… tape.
ross,how did you know she would buy scotch tape?,chandler,"well, we used there’s up last night making scary faces."
monica,"aww, man!",chandler,all right! ten buck! fork it over! cough it up! pay the piper! gimme it.
ross,"it’s heads.  gentlemen, pick your category.",chandler,fears and pet peeves.
joey,the irish gig guy?!,chandler,his legs flail about as if independent of his body!
joey,nana?,chandler,she has a real name.
joey,althea!,chandler,althea?! what are you doing?!
joey,i took a shot.,chandler,youre shooting with althea?!
ross,althea is correct.,chandler,nice shooting!
monica,i knew that! rachel! use you’re head!,chandler,"actually, it’s miss chinandolor bong."
monica,viva las gaygas!,chandler,unfortunately that is correct.
monica,"you guys are dead, i am so good at lighting rounds.",chandler,"i majored in lightning rounds. all right, we’re gonna destroy you."
monica,"huh, wanna bet?",chandler,"well, i’m so confused as to what we’ve been doing so far…"
ross,150 dollars.,chandler,say 200?
joey,"look, we are not gonna…",chandler,"all right, hold on! if you win, we give up the birds."
joey,dah!!,chandler,"but if we win, we get your apartment."
joey,okay.,chandler,okay.
ross,correct. rachel claims this is her favorite movie…,chandler,dangerous liaisons.
ross,correct. in what part of her body did monica get a pencil stuck at age 14?,chandler,oh!
joey,everyday use.,chandler,fancy.
joey,guest.,chandler,fancy guest.
ross,"no, 19.",chandler,thanks man.
joey,i call monica’s room!,chandler,you can’t just call monica’s room.
monica,yeah.  i bet you can’t guess what color my tonsils are? i’ll bet the apartment!,chandler,"oh, i would never bet this apartment. it’s too nice."
phoebe,hey!,chandler,hey!
phoebe,"well, freaked. ‘cause it turns out that the odds are really sucky. and! this is frank and alice’s like only shot. like, they are literally putting all of their eggs in my basket.",chandler,"yeah, but i bet it works."
rachel,oh my god! i can’t believe you guys are actually think you’re moving in here!,chandler,well believe it baby!
monica,"chinadolor bong, come on, we steal that tv guide every week!",chandler,i knew it!
rachel,"i don’t care, i’m not going anywhere.",chandler,"cool, girl roommate."
ross,don’t blame the questions!,chandler,would you all stop yelling in our apartment! you are ruining moving day for us!
monica,i can’t believe we’re living here!,chandler,what?! what-what is it?!
joey,did you see the size of the closets?!,chandler,i can’t believe we live here!
phoebe,"no! rachel, that’s what they want me to do. my warranty expires tomorrow, if i don’t get through, they’re not gonna fix my crappy, broken phone for free! we cannot let them win! it’s us versus them!",chandler,ye-e-es!!
monica,really? who’s number two?,chandler,who’s number two? one of the more difficult games sewer workers play.
rachel,"okay, bye-bye!",chandler,bye!
monica,"joey, what are you doing?! it’s never gonna happen, she’s seeing somebody.",chandler,"yeah, and i don’t have any cologne."
joey,the green bottle next to the shaving cream.,chandler,oh! worm medicine for the duck.
phoebe,yes!! yes!! i’m the next caller! you were gonna have me hang up.,chandler,hey! can you take a duck and a chick to the theatre?
phoebe,no.,chandler,okay. i just wanted them to hear it from somebody else.
ross,"no, i’m good.",chandler,there he is!
joey,"so, so, what’d ya think?",chandler,almost as good as that play with the two naked girls on the see-saw.
joey,i-i wasn’t in that.,chandler,i know.
the director,excuse me. excuse me.  sweetheart!  come!,chandler,so that’s the girl you like.
ross,"i’m telling you, this guy rachel is with is crazy! okay? he viscously screamed at total strangers! i think he’s baaad news!",chandler,"wait a minute, wait a minute, you don’t like the guy rachel’s dating? well, that’s odd."
estelle,"ooh, what a shame! because with her face  and her chest  i could really put something together.",chandler,could i borrow it?
gunther,this is from the woman at the bar.,chandler,oh-ho-ho-ho.
ross,one.,chandler,7:15.  watch doesn’t work.
ross,"no, it’s not just ‘cause i’m jealous.  i mean i’m not, i’m not, i’m not jealous, okay? it’s… look, the guy, he screamed, he actually screamed at this couple sitting in our seats.",chandler,"yeah, and at the end of the play, he, he got up yknow, and he just started like,  banging his hands together!"
monica,we’re kidding!,chandler,"ross, don’t. ross! monica; ross!"
tommy,"ooh, i don’t know. probably the smell of freshly cut grass.",chandler,"ohh, that’s a good one."
phoebe,"oh, i…",chandler,"why don’t you use ours across the hall, ‘cause she…has…problems."
tommy,"ooh, hey! hey, there little fella.  mr. fuzzy-man, how are you doing?  aww.  eww! oh! eww! gross! idiot!! stupid little, fuzzy, yellow creature!! oh look at me, i’m so cute, i’m a little chick who’s disgusting! god, you’re so stupid, how are you not yet extinct!!   quack-quack, quack-quack!! what are you quacking about?! dumb donald doo-doo!!",chandler,step away from the duck.
phoebe,"sorry, i’m so sorry, i will pay you back.",chandler,"and yet, she’s still not hanging up the phone."
rachel,"oh-oh! okay, she’s kicking!",chandler,oh!  she’s growing inside you.
rachel,whoa!!,chandler,oh!
rachel,wow that was a big one.,chandler,i think that’s the youngest girl ever to reject me.
phoebe,oh hey you guys!,chandler,oh hey!
phoebe,"uh-huh,  and you?",chandler,"no. i mean i believe that uh, certain people are more suited for each other and i believe in falling in love, but soul mates, i don’t think they exist."
phoebe,"okay, good.",chandler,why?
phoebe,"well last night, i met monica’s.",chandler,what?
phoebe,"yeah, i had a date with this guy, and i swear to god, he is her other half.",chandler,"come on, don’t be crazy.  you don’t think there’s someone out there better suited for monica than me, do ya?"
rachel,"of course, of course.",chandler,"a tall guy with hair similar to mine, oh unknowable universe!"
rachel,"oh, it’s so sad they never had a chance to meet.",chandler,"luckily, the guy she settled for can’t hear what you’re talking about."
phoebe,"oh, i’m so sorry. um, and maybe i’m wrong! i but—y’know i’m gonna go out with him again, i’ll find out more.",chandler,you believe that this guy is destined for someone else and you’re still gonna date him?
phoebe,soul mate.,chandler,what?
monica,not really.,chandler,what’s wrong with sun-dried tomatoes? on a barbecue chicken pizza?  no?
monica,"oh, i’d like a latte. oh y’know what? if you’re gonna talk about me, i’m gonna go with you.",chandler,what are you doing?!
phoebe,nothing! i swear to god i didn’t know you guys would be here! and the good news is you didn’t believe in soul mates. so…,chandler,"i believe in tall, handsome strangers who hit on my wife!"
don,…so i’ve been slowly phasing out the wine importing and focusing more on the cheese side of things.,chandler,"cheese you say? that’s some pretty smelly work, huh don?"
don,excuse me?,chandler,"cheese, it’s smelly. you must smell a lot of the time too."
don,"well if you where ever enter the loire valley let me know, i’ve got a great little villa you can stay at.",chandler,is it made of cheese?
monica,i’d move in tomorrow!,chandler,oh come on!  are you listening to this?
phoebe,i’m so sorry.,chandler,what do we do?
monica,i’d like to have don and phoebe over. wouldn’t that be nice?,chandler,"sure, why don’t you set it up. i’ll just be over here, browsing through the personals."
monica,are you okay? you’ve been acting weird all afternoon.,chandler,"yeah, fine. fine. not perfect!! but good enough."
monica,jeez! what is with you?,chandler,"i’m sorry, did you say cheese?"
monica,"all right, what’s going on?",chandler,"phoebe thinks you and don are soul mates, and i don’t believe in that kind of stuff. but then you two totally get along. so look, i won’t stand in your way if you want to run off with don and live in a house of cheese."
monica,"chandler, you don’t believe in soul mates?",chandler,no. but i’m sure  ‘tomatoes’ does.
monica,i don’t believe in soul mates either.,chandler,you don’t?
monica,no. i don’t think that you and i were destined to end up together. i think that we fell in love and work hard at our relationship. some days we work really hard.,chandler,so you…you don’t want to live with don in a cheese house?
monica,"no, i’ve had second thoughts about that. do you realize how hard that would be to clean?",chandler,i love you.
monica,i know.,chandler,y’know what? i am going to take you out to dinner tonight. i found this place that makes the greatest mozzarella sticks and jalepino poppers .  no? really? they taste so good.
phoebe,"yeah, it all just came screaming back to me.   so how’s the game?",chandler,i have no idea.
phoebe,what?,chandler,yeah! i’m just pretending to watch the game so i don’t have to help out with stuff.
phoebe,i don’t believe you! that is…brilliant! and monica has no idea?,chandler,nope! every once and a while i just scream stuff at the tv.
monica,is your team winning hon?,chandler,yeah! anderson just scored again!  there’s no anderson.
will,hey.,chandler,"oh hey. i’d shake your hand but uh; i’m really into the game. plus, i think it’d be better for my ego if we didn’t stand right next to each other."
monica,well you look incredible too! you’re just—you’re so fit!,chandler,"i’m watching the game, but i’m not deaf!"
will,"yeah, i hated her. she was horrible to me in high school. but hey, it was a long time ago, i’m in a good place, it might be actually fun to see her again. you got any cakes or cookies or something?  no will no!",chandler,"y’know, it’s been a while since we’ve screamed something. maybe we should."
phoebe,oh okay.,chandler,oh come on!
monica,"okay, dinner’s ready!",chandler,good game!
phoebe,yeah.,chandler,yeah. solid effort. solid effort.
phoebe,green bay.,chandler,detroit.
monica,everyone at our school heard it!,chandler,everybody at my school heard it! you were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from long island?!
will,mrs. altman? she also made out with takaka ci-kek the night before he went back to thailand.,chandler,i’m sorry. when you were in high school you made out with a 50-year-old woman?
ross,hey! she didn’t look 50!,chandler,did she look 16?
ross,she didn’t photograph well!,chandler,"well, she probably wasn’t familiar with the process having spent most of her life sitting for oil paintings!"
monica,"well joey, we’re all…we’re all very proud of you.",chandler,"yes, i believe we can expect a call from the president any moment now."
ross,"hey, remember when i had a monkey?",chandler,yeah.
joey,"hey! so, what’s with the 20 percent tip? did i do something wrong?",chandler,twenty percent is a pretty generous tip joe.
joey,y’know what’s more generous than that?! fifty percent! y’know what’s even more generous than that?!!,chandler,i see where you’re goin’!
joey,"oh, ha-ha-ha! ooh! wait a minute, i used to get medical experiments down on me all the time!",chandler,"ah, finally an explanation."
ross,y’know what…,chandler,"hey-hey, is monica here?"
ross,no.,chandler,"okay, look i need your help, i don’t know what to get her for valentine’s day."
rachel,"well, valentine’s day was like two weeks ago, so i wouldn’t get her a calendar!",chandler,she was working on valentine’s day so we’re celebrating it tonight.
joey,"and of course, crotchless panties.",chandler,"well appealing as that does sound to her boyfriend  and her brother,  i can’t do that we promised we’d make each other gifts this year."
rachel,"okay-okay-okay! so, making things. that sounds like so much fun.",chandler,"yeah, i thought so to until i paper mached one of my eyes shut."
phoebe,"oh, i love paper mache! what did you make?",chandler,i made a…
phoebe,what is that?,chandler,nothing!
ross,so what are you gonna do?,chandler,"well, have you guys made anything that maybe i can take credit for?"
phoebe,"now, it’s you little bunny friend.",chandler,"this, this actually is a…"
monica,hey!,chandler,"hey! honey, can i ask you a question about the valentine’s day gifts?"
monica,"oh, yeah.",chandler,do we have to make the entire thing?
monica,"yes! why, did you—you forget to make yours?",chandler,"of course, of course not. i just have to uh, go over to the place where i-i made it and pick-pick it up."
monica,"okay.  okay, i can’t wait! this is going to be the best valentine’s day ever!  i can’t believe it! make the presents! make the presents!",chandler,what?
joey,"2,000 bucks is a lot of money. oh, i wish i had a twin. where could i find someone who looks exactly like me?",chandler,hey.
ross,chandler. i sensed it was you.,chandler,what?!
ross,unagi. i’m always aware.,chandler,"okay, are you aware unagi  is an eel?"
ross,what’s up?,chandler,i can’t figure out what to make monica.
ross,"oh, why don’t you make her one of your little jokes.",chandler,i’m going crazy! okay? do you have any thing around here that looks homemade?
ross,"y’know what? she’d-she’d love this.  uh, it’s an exact replica of apollo 8. i made it in the sixth grade.",chandler,"yeah, i guess i could use that. i could say that your love sends me to the moon."
ross,"yeah-yeah, except apollo 8 didn’t actually land on the moon. but you-you-you could write that umm, your love lets me orbit the moon twice and return safely.",chandler,"wait a minute, i can’t give this to her."
ross,why not?,chandler,because it says captain ross on the side and i hate monica on the bottom.
rachel,"ahhhhh, salmon skin roll.",chandler,"okay. okay.  yes honey, i made it myself.  i can’t do it. i can’t do it.  oh! oh! a mixed tape! a mixed tape!!"
monica,"sure! okay, you go first.",chandler,"okay, come here! come here."
monica,okay!,chandler,"now, it’s not wrapped because i just, just finished it."
monica,okay.,chandler,but i made you a tape of what i think are all romantic songs.
monica,"oh, what a great gift! is the way you look tonight on it?!",chandler,maybe we’ll have to listen and see!
monica,"oh, i love it! thank you so much!",chandler,okay!
monica,"okay, you ready to open yours?",chandler,yeah!
monica,okay.,chandler,it’s a sock bunny.
monica,"yeah-yeah, you remember how i call you bunny?",chandler,not really.
monica,"well, i did one time, and-and i want to start doing it more. see that’s what this is about.",chandler,"i see. y’know umm, phoebe makes sock bunnies."
monica,"no! no, she doesn’t. uh phoebe, what she makes—that’s uh—they’re sock rabbits. they are completely different—okay! okay! okay! i didn’t make it! i’m sorry! i totally forgot about tonight and the fact that we’re supposed to make the presents!",chandler,"oh, it’s okay. i don’t…"
monica,"no-no, it’s not okay! it’s not! i mean you were just… you’re so incredible! you went through all this time and effort to make this tape for me! y’know i’m just gonna—i, i am gonna make this up to you! i will! i-i am going to cook anything you want in here , and i am going to do anything you want in there!",chandler,"well, i did put a lot of thought in the tape."
monica,"oops!  y’know, your birthday is in a month-and-a-half, what do you say i forget to get you a present for that too?",chandler,you are totally and completely 100% forgiven.
monica,we have got to wash that!,chandler,yeah!
monica,"do you remember that jacket that you love so much, that you thought was too expensive?",chandler,you have done enough!
monica,i wanna wake up early and go get it for you!,chandler,"no you don’t—get it in black, not brown."
monica,"oop, your cake is ready!",chandler,oop!
joey,"look, i got to apologize on the behalf of carl.",chandler,who the hell is carl?!
joey,"oh, did i not mention? carl is a guy i hired to be my identical twin for a medical research project.",chandler,"y’know sometimes the good ideas are just right in front of you, aren’t they?"
joey,damnit carl!,chandler,oh my good god.
monica,"hey! continuing the countdown of your favorite meals. tonight, no. 3, macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs.",chandler,"look, you have done enough! okay? you have to stop this now."
monica,"i will! but not tonight. for dinner music, i thought we could listen to that tape you made me.",chandler,"oh, the mixed tape."
janice,i love the way you look every night chandler!  that’s why i made you this tape! happy birthday! love janice!,chandler,no! you’re the sweetest!
ross,"oh, no! no-no! no, i tired! but i couldn’t. that’s why i’m here. maybe we could attack them together?  that-that’s a no.",chandler,"i am so, so, so, so sorry!"
monica,uh-huh.,chandler,"and i will cook anything you want in here , and do anything in there!"
monica,"yeah you will!  and, are you kiddin’ me?!",chandler,"come on monica, it’s our valentine’s day. please? please-please, please?"
monica,okay.,chandler,okay.
janice’s voice,"my funny valentine, sweet comic valentine! you make me high over my heart!",chandler,"so, are we going in there?"
phoebe,why?! what’s happening to the coffee house?! oh!,chandler,yep! from now on its gonna be the four of you guys and me and the misses. the little woman. the wife. the old ball and chain.
monica,old?,chandler,the young hot ball and chain.
ross,"y’know what? actually i’m kinda glad they’re leaving ‘cause uh, i need to talk to you about something.",chandler,what’s up?
ross,"well this uh, this may be a little awkward.",chandler,"listen, if you want to borrow money, its kind of a bad time. i’m buying dinner for 128 people tomorrow night."
ross,"no, its…its not that. umm, now what i’m going to say to you, i’m not saying as your friend. okay? i’m-i’m saying as it as monica’s older brother.",chandler,but you’re still my friend?
ross,not for the next few minutes.,chandler,"during this time…are you, are you still my best man?"
ross,nope.,chandler,do i still call you ross?
ross,"okay! you guys are getting married tomorrow and-and i couldn’t be more thrilled for both of you, but as monica’s older brother i-i have to tell you this. if you ever hurt my little sister, if you ever cause her any unhappiness of any kind, i will hunt you down, and kick your ass!  what? i’m-i’m-i’m serious!  come—hey! dude! stop it! okay? i’m-i’m not kidding here!",chandler,"hey, i hear what your saying, okay? and, thanks for the warning."
ross,no problem.,chandler,so are we…friends again?
ross,yeah.,chandler,okay.  you won’t believe what monica’s older brother just said to me!
monica,"honey, we gotta go!",chandler,okay. here’s a question you never have to ask. my dad just called and wanted to know if he could borrow one of your pearl necklaces.
monica,"i don’t have anything like that, but let me go see if rachel does.",chandler,"yes, include more people in this."
monica,"hey, do you realize that at this time tomorrow we’ll be getting married?",chandler,wait a minute! i have a date tomorrow night.
monica,"i just, i can’t believe that we made it!",chandler,well you don’t have to sound so surprised.
monica,i’m sorry but…nothing.,chandler,what?
monica,"well…honestly ever since we got engaged i have been waiting for something to, to flip you out.",chandler,honestly? me too.
monica,really?,chandler,yeah. y’know i keep thinking that something stupid is gonna come up and i’ll go all…chandler. but nothing has.
monica,"ohh, i’m so glad. thank you so much for staying so calm during this. i mean it’s really, it’s made me stay calm.  i coulda been worse!",chandler,okay. i’ll be right there.
monica,"hey maureen!  gosh! hey uh, chandler? this is my cousin maureen.",chandler,we’re the bings.
rachel,hi! oh you guys look so beautiful!,chandler,mr. and mrs. bing!
phoebe,"ross, please! my make-up!",chandler,hi.
mrs. bing,chandler!,chandler,mom. thanks for wearing something.
mr. bing,hello all!,chandler,hi…dad.
mrs. bing,don’t you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that?,chandler,oh my god!
ross,so this is your office?,chandler,how did you guys find me? i knew i should’ve hid at the gym!
phoebe,what the hell are you doing?!,chandler,panicking! and using the internet to try to prove that i’m related to monica. how is she?
ross,"she’s fine. she doesn’t know you’re gone. and she doesn’t have to know, okay? now come on, we’re going home.",chandler,no! no! no! i can’t do that!
phoebe,why not?!,chandler,"because if i go home, we’re gonna become the bings! i can’t be the bings!"
ross,what’s wrong with being the bings?,chandler,the bings have horrible marriages! they yell. they fight. and they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games!
ross,"chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room?",chandler,no.
ross,then you are neither of your parents!,chandler,"it’s not just their marriage! i mean, look at yours. look at everybody’s! the only person that can make marriage work is paul newman! and i’ve met me; i am not paul newman. i don’t race cars! i don’t make popcorn! none of my proceeds go to charity."
phoebe,"but look chandler, right now, no one has a lower opinion of you than i do. but i totally believe you can do this.",chandler,"i want to. i love her so much, but i’m afr…it’s too huge."
ross,"y’know, okay. you’re right. it is huge. so why don’t we take it just a little bit at a time? okay? umm, forget getting married for a sec; just forget about it. can you just come home and take a shower?",chandler,"well yeah, but then…"
ross,"yeah—no-but-but-but-but! we’re just gonna go home and take a shower. now, that’s not scary right?",chandler,depends on what you mean by we.
ross,"there you go. you put on a tuxedo! now that wasn’t so scary, was it?",chandler,no.
ross,"i’m telling you, just a little bit at a time.",chandler,"yeah okay. well, what’s the next little bit?"
ross,"getting married.  okay. okay. you can, you can do that too! just like you’ve done everything else!",chandler,yeah. you’re right. hey i-i can do that.
ross,yeah.,chandler,"okay, excuse me for a minute."
ross,"wh—hey—whoa-whoa, where, where you going?!",chandler,"ross, i am not gonna run away again! i just want to get a little fresh air."
ross,okay.,chandler,okay.
ross,there he is!!,chandler,what?
ross,you’re not getting away this time mister! unless you want that ass kicking we talked about!,chandler,ross!
ross,hiiii-ya!!  i’m serious! you’re not walking out on my sister!,chandler,that’s right! i’m not!
ross,then where the hell have you been?!,chandler,i know about monica.
ross,what?,chandler,"yeah, i heard you and rachel talking."
ross,what?! what?! talking about what?!,chandler,you don’t know?
phoebe,what? you’ll hi-ya?,chandler,monica’s pregnant.
ross,oh my god. oh my god! and you’re-you’re…you’re not freaking out?,chandler,well i was! then i went down to the gift shop because i was out of cigarettes…
phoebe and ross,cigarettes?!!,chandler,"big picture please! so i was in the gift shop, and that’s when i uh, saw this. (he holds up a little, tiny baby jumper that reads i  new york.) yeah, y’know what? i thought anything that can fit into this, can’t be scary."
phoebe,well you obviously didn’t see chucky 3.,chandler,"but come on, look at how cute and small this is! so i got it to give monica so she’d know i was okay."
mrs. bing,oh look at you! so handsome!,chandler,you look beautiful mom.  you look beautiful too dad. i love you both.  i’m so glad you here.
the rabbi,are you chandler?,chandler,are you joey?
mr. geller,i love you sweetheart.,chandler,you look beautiful. is this new?
monica,not now.,chandler,okay.
the rabbi,i am father kalebasous.,chandler,he’s greek orthodox.
joey,chandler?,chandler,"no, that’s okay.  monica i thought this was going to be the most difficult thing i ever gonna had to do. but when i saw you walking down that aisle i realized how simple it was. i love you. any surprises that come our way it’s okay, because i will always love you. you are the person i was meant to spend the rest of my life with. you wanna know if i’m sure?"
joey,"you may not kiss the bride. so, i guess by the powers vested in my by the state of new york and the internet guys, i now pronounce you husband and wife. oh wait! do you take each other?",chandler,i do.
joey,"we good? yeah? good? once again, i pronounce you husband and wife.  now kiss her again.",chandler,i love you. and i know about the baby.
monica,what baby?,chandler,our baby.
monica,we have a baby?,chandler,phoebe found your pregnancy test in the trash.
monica,i didn’t take a pregnancy test.,chandler,then…who did?
rachel,come on! you guys can pee standing up.,chandler,"we can? all right, im tryin that."
ross,multiple orgasms!,chandler,"so, saturday night, the big night, date night, saturday night, sat-ur-day night!"
joey,"no plans, huh?",chandler,not a one.
ross,"not even, say, breaking up with janice?",chandler,"oh, right, right, shut up."
monica,"chandler, nobody likes breaking up with someone. you just gotta do it.",chandler,"no, i know, but its just so hard, you know? i mean, youre sitting there with her, she has no idea whats happening, and then you finally get up the courage to do it, and theres the horrible awkward moment when youve handed her the note."
phoebe,"you know, if you want, ill do it with you.",chandler,"oh, thanks, but i think shed feel like were gangin up on her."
rachel,"yeah, well, its a mercedes if i move back home. oh, it was horrible. he called me young lady.",chandler,"ooh, i hate when my father calls me that."
ross,"ok, bye.  well, monicas not coming, its just gonna be me and rachel.",chandler,"oh. well, hold on camper, are you sure youve thought this thing through?"
ross,its laundry. the thinking through is minimal.,chandler,"its just you and rachel, just the two of you? this is a date. youre going on a date."
ross,nuh-uh.,chandler,yuh-huh.
ross,"so whatre you saying here? i should shave again, pick up some wine, what?",chandler,"well, you may wanna rethink the dirty underwear. this is basically the first time shes gonna see your underwear—you want it to be dirty?"
ross,no.,chandler,"oh, and uh, the fabric softener?"
ross,"ok, ok, now what is wrong with my snuggles? what, it says im a sensitive, warm kinda guy, you know, like a warm, fuzzy bear. ok, i can pick something else up on the way.",chandler,there you go.
monica,...horribly attractive. ill be shutting up now.,chandler,where are they? where are they?
phoebe,this is nice. we never do anything just the two of us.,chandler,its great. maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies.
phoebe,"eww, i dont wanna do that.",chandler,here we go.
phoebe,"ok, have a good break-up.",chandler,"hey, janice."
janice,"oh, my god, i am so glad you called me. i had the most supremely awful day.",chandler,"hey, thats not good. can i get an espresso and a latte over here, please?"
janice,"we got the proofs back from that photo shoot, you know, the one with the little vegetables. anyway, they pretty much sucked, so, i blew off the rest of the day, and i went shopping...... and i got you, im looking, im looking, im looking, i got you...",chandler,what?
janice,what?,chandler,what... did you get me there?
janice,i got you...these.,chandler,bullwinkle socks. thats so sweet.
janice,"well, i knew you had the rockys, and so i figured, you know, you can wear bullwinkle and bullwinkle, or you can wear rocky and rocky,or, you can mix and match, moose and squirrel. whatever you want.",chandler,thats great.
janice,"no, no, im still working on mine.",chandler,thats it?
phoebe,"yeah, it was really hard.",chandler,"oh, yeah, that hug looked pretty brutal."
phoebe,"ok, you can do this. its just like pulling off a band-aid. just do it really fast, and then the wound is exposed.",chandler,"janice. hi, janice. ok, here we go. i dont think we should go out anymore. janice."
joey,"uh, waiter, one more plate of chicken wings over here.",chandler,"heres the thing, janice. you know, i mean, its like were different. im like the bing, bing, bing. youre like the boom, boom, ... boom."
janice,ow!,chandler,"oh, my god, im so sorry. are you ok?"
janice,"ow. um, its just my lens. its just my lens. ill be right back.",chandler,i hit her in the eye! i hit her in the eye! this is the worst break-up in the history of the world.
phoebe,oh my god.  how many of those have you had?,chandler,"oh, i dont know, a million?"
phoebe,"chandler, easy, easy. go to your happy place. la la la la la la la.",chandler,im fine.
phoebe,all right.,chandler,im not fine. here she comes.
phoebe,wait here. breathe.,chandler,how do you do that?
phoebe,its like a gift.,chandler,we should always always break up together.
phoebe,"oh, he needed some time to grieve.",chandler,im free! im free!
ross,"i’d bet i’d still be doing my kara-tay.  towards the end of our marriage i was doing a lot of kara-tay as a way of releasing the tension from y’know, not doing anything else physical.",chandler,maybe the problem was you were pronouncing it kara-tay.
monica,"and what if i was still fat?  well, you wouldn’t be dating me, that’s for sure.",chandler,sure i would!
all,oh yeah! come on! yeah right!,chandler,"what, you guys really think that i’m that shallow?"
joey,"hey, imagine if i never got fired off days of our lives!  oh-hey, there’s carol again!",chandler,"what if i had had the guts to quit my job? i’d probably be writing for the new yorker, getting paid to be funny. but my job’s fun too! i mean tomorrow, i-i don’t have to wear a tie."
joey,"oh dear god, let me think.",chandler,hey.
monica,oh no! what’s the matter?,chandler,"oh i just got another rejection letter. they said my writing was funny, just not archie comic funny."
monicas boyfriend,"bye-bye.  oh uh, by the way, the answer is, the brazil nut.",chandler,was his question what’s more boring than him?
joey,"hey man, look sorry about that archie thing. do uh, do you need me to give you some money?",chandler,"hey, i may have no money, but i still have my pride."
joey,really?,chandler,ehh.
joey,that’s great! that would be great! let’s do that!,chandler,i could use the money; it could give me time to write.
joey,oh right great! welcome aboard!,chandler,okay!
joey,"all right! now hey, i need to use the bathroom. since i don’t need any assistance in there, take a break!",chandler,all right!
ross,"and, and uh, you-you remember my friend chandler.",chandler,hey.
rachel,you are friends with dr. drake remoray?,chandler,well it’s kinda hard to be friends with drake because of his busy schedule and the fact that he’s not real.
joey,hey there you are!,chandler,"uh-oh, it’s my boss!"
joey,"all right, here’s a list of things for you to do today. man, this going to be so great! thank you so much! all right, i got to go to work i’m delivering twins today, but only one of them is mine!",chandler,drop off my dry cleaning. pick up my vitamins. teach me how to spell vitamins. wear in my new jeans.
monica,you realize what you are don’t you?,chandler,what?
phoebe,"no! there-there was a little, a little diff in the market and i lost 13 million dollars.",chandler,but the kit-kats are all right?!
phoebe,"my chest hurts! oh, and now i-i can’t breathe.",chandler,"phoebe, are you having a heart attack?!"
monica,"honey, having a heart attack is nature’s way of telling you to slow it down.",chandler,"i always thought having a heart attack was nature’s way of telling you to die!  but you’re not gonna die. i mean, you are going to die, but you’re not gonna die today. i wish i was dead."
monica,sorry. so how’s it going with joey?,chandler,"oh just great. he beeps me now with codes. one is, bring me food. two is, i’m with a girl, bring us food. three is, i’m lost and i can’t find food."
joey,"okay, you watch too much tv.",chandler,"here you go joe, here’s the freshly squeezed orange juice you asked for."
joey,"thanks!  yeah, there’s pulp in that.",chandler,yeah?
joey,"i thought we talked about this. i don’t like pulp. no pulp. pulp isn’t juice. all juice, okay?",chandler,"i’m sorry, i guess i just like the pulp."
joey,iced tea.,chandler,"okay, anything for you sir?"
joey,"okay look, chandler, if this  you have got to listen!   you’re gonna throw that juice at me, aren’t ya?",chandler,it’s not all juice!
carol,i love that idea!,chandler,who sold a story to archie comics?!
monica,oh my god! that’s great! oh wow!  you’re a published writer! i wish i had a present for you!,chandler,aww.
monica,wait a minute!  my last kit-kat bar!,chandler,you wanna share it?
joey,"yeah, o-o-o-o-okay anyway, i just wanted to say i’m sorry. here.",chandler,what’s this?
joey,"fresh squeezed orange juice, with pulp! just the way you like it.",chandler,"aww, thanks man."
joey,oh my god! that’s great! congratulations! what’s the story?!,chandler,"oh you wouldn’t uh, care. it’s just a stupid comic book story."
joey,are you kidding me?! i love archie! and the whole gang!,chandler,"well uh, archie needs money to fix his jalopy , uh but he doesn’t want reggie to just give him the money. so reggie hires him as his assist—as his butler. and then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that can’t have lumps in them."
ross,"she doesn’t know she was fired yet, does she?",chandler,"no, the doctors say it may kill her."
phoebe,what are you two girls whispering about over there?!,chandler,but i think we should tell her.
phoebe,"okay, what is this? a stupid contest? because we got a winner here!",chandler,"listen phoebe, he’s right. people are not supposed to have heart attacks at 31."
phoebe,yeah that was lucrative! smart like your brother!,chandler,"uh, what about y’know the massage thing? that never gave you a heart attack."
ross,how hot is this?!,chandler,i’m sorry you’re here with me instead of roger.
monica,"yeah, me too.",chandler,"well, i could make it seem like he’s here. here’s some little known facts about cous-cous. they didn’t add the second cous until 1979."
monica,stop it!! that’s not funny!!,chandler,okay.
monica,"i’m sorry, okay? it just—tonight was supposed to be y’know, it was supposed to be a big deal.",chandler,what was tonight?
monica,you don’t want to know what tonight was.,chandler,okay.  what was tonight?
monica,"well, tonight was—was going to be my first time.",chandler,with roger?  not just with roger?!  oh my god!
monica,all right relax mr. i’ve had sex four times!,chandler,four different women! i’ve had sex way more times!
monica,how many?,chandler,nine.
monica,i was just waiting for the perfect guy.,chandler,"well good, good for you. you really think that roger is the perfect guy?"
monica,no. he’s not a horrible guy.,chandler,hey that’s what i tell girls about me.
monica,"chandler, i’m gonna die a virgin!",chandler,no you are not! you are sweet and wonderful and this is gonna happen for you.
monica,oh really? when? do you wanna do it with me?,chandler,okay.
monica,i was kidding.,chandler,so was i.
joey,"come, come here.",chandler,we can’t do this.
monica,no!  oyster?,chandler,"yeah!  if-if-if we did do this there would be a lot of pressure on me, y’know? because you’ve been waiting a very long time and i wouldn’t want to disappoint you."
monica,"yeah but see i have nothing to compare it too. so even if you’re horrible, how would i know?",chandler,i do like that.
monica,it’s harder for me! i have those four other women to compete with!,chandler,"well, if it helps there were only three. so it would just be for tonight, right?"
monica,absolutely! it would just be one friend  helping out another friend.,chandler,stop it! we’re doing this! let’s do it!
monica,noo!! okay!!,chandler,okay!
monica,"umm, do you have any uhh, moves?",chandler,i have some moves.
monica,"i have no moves.  okay, whatcha doin’ there?!  oh y’know what? i’m sorry, this is just too weird.",chandler,"yeah, let’s just forget it."
monica,what if i turn out the lights?,chandler,okay!
monica,chandler?,chandler,yeah?
monica,that’s the couch.,chandler,oh my god!
monica,"i know! i’ll tell you something, we are gonna do that again!",chandler,"oh, okay!"
ross,it really was!,chandler,hey!
monica,hey!,chandler,let me tell you about this chick i scored with last night! oh no wait a minute that was you!
monica,"hey, check me out, i’m a slut!",chandler,"so you uh, want to do something tonight?"
monica,oh i can’t. dr. roger is coming over again.,chandler,"oh. oh right! right! because you’re still seeing him and uh, he’s a good guy. i mean, i remember a time when…"
monica,are you okay?,chandler,"yeah! totally! totally, and you?"
monica,"great! it’s so amazing! i mean, last time dr. roger came over, i was so nervous, but then after being with you i’m all like, can the doctor see me now?",chandler,i bet he can.
monica,"y’know, i don’t have an appointment, but i sure could use a physical.  are you sure you’re okay?",chandler,"oh yeah! yeah! don’t worry about me, i’ll be fine!"
ross,try telling my wife that.,chandler,okay to come in?
monica,"yeah, come on, eat, whatever you want. dr. roger got beeped again.",chandler,"yeah i know, guess who beeped him?"
monica,what?!,chandler,i’m the ruptured spleen.
monica,why would you do that?,chandler,because you shouldn’t be with him.  you should be with me.
monica,really?,chandler,"yeah! when you were talking about roger, that was killing me! look, things like last night they don’t just happen. y’know? or at least not to me. or with the other two women, in the morning y’know i was just lying there and i couldn’t wait to just go hang out with my friends, but with you i always y’know with a friend."
monica,chandler!,chandler,"i know you probably don’t want to go out with me, y’know because i make too many jokes and i’ve never been in a serious relationship and i guess i’m not technically a doctor…"
monica,"there was just one woman, wasn’t there?",chandler,"no, there were two."
monica,including me?,chandler,oh yeah. ending credits
ross,are you intrigued?,chandler,youre flingin-flangin right i am!
joey,"wow, it is easy.  now, i can have milk everyday.",chandler,"well, its official there are no good movies."
phoebe,hey.,chandler,"hey, man. whats up?"
joey,maybe you can tell me. my agent would like to know why i didnt show up at the audition i didnt know i had today. the first good thing she gets me in weeks. how could you not give me the message?!,chandler,"well, ill tell ya i do enjoy guilt, but, ah, it wasnt me."
phoebe,"annie! hi. listen we got a problem with joey tribbiani, apparently he missed his audition. who did you speak to in my office? estelle, no, i dont know what im going to do with her. no. all right, so your husband leaves and burns down the apartment, the world does not stop.",chandler,is anybody else scared?
phoebe,"right, well look, um, if joey loses this audition, that is it for estelle. i dont care! annie you are a doll, what time can you see him?  i need a pen.",chandler,get the woman a pad! get the woman a pad! a pad! a pad!
joey,"im sorry, it just felt nice.",chandler,joe. joe! answer the phone.
joey,"hey, i only got one good arm, you know. you should be doing stuff for me. go get me a sweater.",chandler,"just do it! okay, its janice and if i get it im going to have to see her tonight.  oh, thats great im gonna have to see her tonight."
rachel,whats the big deal? why dont you wanna see janice?,chandler,"okay, last night at dinner, when the meals came, she put half her chicken piccata on my plate and took my tomatoes."
ross,"and thats bad because..., you hate chicken piccata?",chandler,noo.
ross,"you didnt want to share your tomatoes, tomatoes are very important to you.",chandler,"no, its like all of the sudden, we were this couple. and this alarm"
monica,"what is it with you people! i mean, the minute you start to feel something, you have to run away?",chandler,"i know, that,  thats why i dont want to go tonight, im afraid im going to say something stupid."
joey,"hey, you know about that?!",chandler,"look what do i do? i wanna get past this, i dont wanna be afraid of the commitment thing. i wanna go through the tunnel, to the other side!"
ross,where there is no fear of commitment.,chandler,do we have any... do we have any thoughts here?
rachel,"amazingly, that makes sense.",chandler,you think?
joey,"oh, yeah. go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind!",chandler,"yeah, joe, i assure you if im staring down the barrel of a gun, im pretty much peeing every which way."
janice,"so, how come you wanted to eat in tonight?",chandler,"cause, i wanted to uh, give you this."
janice,"ohhh, are you a puppy!  contact paper! i never really know what to say when someone youre sleeping with gives you contact paper.",chandler,"well, wait theres, theres more. see the contact paper is to go into your brand new drawer.  see, the drawer actually goes in my dresser."
janice,"oh, you didnt have to do this.",chandler,"yes, i did. yes, i did. because, youre my girlfriend, and thats what girlfriends should, should get."
janice,"well, i gotta buy a vowel. because, oh my gawd! who, wouldve thought that someday, chandler bing would buy me a drawer.",chandler,"well, not me. but thats whats happened, and, ah, and, and theres more. we should take a trip."
janice,we should?,chandler,"yep, were a couple and thats what couples do. and, i wanna meet your parents. we should take a trip with your parents!"
janice,"i dont think we need to, because youre tripping me out right now! are you okay?",chandler,"i am, i actually am. i mean this is amazing. my entire life i have feared this place, and now that im here its like what was the big deal. i could probably say lets move in together. and id be okay."
janice,you probably want us to move in together?,chandler,it doesnt scare me!
janice,"yeah, well, it scares me! i mean i not even divorced yet, chandler. you know, you just invited me over here for pasta, and all of the sudden youre talking about moving in together. and, and i wasnt even that hungry. you know what, its getting a little late, and i-i should just, um...",chandler,"oh, no, no, no, dont go! ive scared ya! ive said too much! im hopeless, and awkward, and desperate for love!!  hey, janice! its me. um, yeah, i-i-i just wanna apologize in advance for having chased you down the street."
rachel,"honey, this will help.",chandler,"so, i finally catch up to her and she says this relationship is going to fast and we have to slow down."
monica,that is never good.,chandler,then i got all needy and clingy.
rachel,"okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. maybe its not so bad. how did you leave it?",chandler,she said shed call me.
rachel and monica,ohh!,chandler,oh god.
monica,welcome to our side of the tunnel.,chandler,this ice cream tastes like crap by the way.
rachel,"yeah, you do.",chandler,"so, you dont think im terminal?"
monica,"well, no, not at all, youre not terminal, you just, you just need some damage control.",chandler,"okay, okay. so, should i call her?"
rachel,"right. so, what you have to do is, you have to accidentally run into her on purpose. and then act aloof.",chandler,"so im not, not gonna lose her?"
rachel,"oooh, honey, youre not a total loser.",chandler,"i said, so im not gonna lose her?"
janice,"no, thank you. chandler!",chandler,"hello, janice."
janice,what are you doing here?,chandler,"oh, just a bit of shopping. howve you been?"
janice,are you being british?!,chandler,no. not anymore.
janice,why are you shopping here? you dont live in this neighborhood. were you here waiting for me?,chandler,"yeah, huh. im just uh, you know im just picking up some things for a party."
janice,barley? what kind of party serves barley?,chandler,"well, im sorry if my friends arent as sophisticated as yours."
janice,where is this party?,chandler,here in chelsea.
janice,whos party is it?,chandler,a womans
janice,what woman?!,chandler,chelsea.
janice,"okay, you know, one of two things is happening here. either youre seeing somebody behind my back, which would make you the biggest jerk on the planet. or, else youre pretending that youre seeing somebody, which just makes you so pathetic that i could start crying right here in the cereal aisle. so like which of these two guys do you want to be?",chandler,can i be that guy?
joey,thats-ah what i suspected-ah.,chandler,"....and then i just, you know, threw the bag of barley at her, and ran out of the store."
monica,"my god! chandler, we said be aloof not a doof.",chandler,"ive actually ruined this havent i? its time for the good ice cream now, right?"
monica,"you know what, everythings gonna be okay.",chandler,"hello. hi, janice! can you hold on for a second? okay.  okay, what do i do?"
rachel,yeah.,chandler,hello!
rachel,"yes, and grumpy.",chandler,"what are you, stop naming dwarves!  hello, janice. hi, im so glad that you called, i know ive been acting a really weird lately. and, its just because im crazy about you, and i just got...stupid, and, and scared, and....stupid a couple of more times. im sorry.  really?!  really?!"
rachel,"hes soo lucky, if janice were a guy, shed be sleeping with somebody else by now.",chandler,i love you too.
mr. franklin,wow bing! burning the midnight oil.,chandler,"you know me sir. oh ah, i do have a question for ya. do you know how i get around the office computer network so i can access the really good internet porn?"
mr. franklin,you’re a joker bing.,chandler,what’s funny about that?
ross,hey! sorry i kept you waiting so long.,chandler,"hey that’s okay. so, where do you want to go?"
ross,"oh ah, i think you know where i want to go.",chandler,the hard rock caf�?
ross,yeah!,chandler,again?!
ross,"i’m telling you, i like the food!",chandler,you like the purple rain display!  hey bob.
ross,did that guy just call you toby?,chandler,"yeah, he thinks that’s my name."
ross,"well, why don’t you correct him?",chandler,"oh it’s been going on way to long now. y’know, i mean the first time he said it we were just passing each other in the hallway, so i didn’t say anything. and then the next time he said, hey toby, do you want a donut? and i-i wanted a donut. and now it’s five years later, the donut’s gone and i’m still toby."
ross,five years?! chandler you have to tell him!,chandler,"no! that would be so awkward! look—besides, we work in different departments. he’s on the sixth floor y’know? so he calls me toby once in a while. what’s the big deal? it could be worse, it’s not like he’s calling me muriel."
ross,"muriel. wh-why would he call you muriel?  oh my god! chandler m bing? it’s not just an m, your middle name is muriel!!",chandler,shh! it is a family name!
rachel,"okay, you go do it! i’ll come back to that set! i’ll meet more actors! i’ll meet ‘em all!",chandler,hey bob.
bob,hey! how’s my pal toby doing today?,chandler,"if i see him, i’ll ask."
mr. franklin,hey-hey! bing? was that bob from six you were just talking too?,chandler,yeah!
mr. franklin,oh then you know each other.,chandler,we’re on a semi-first name basis.
mr. franklin,what do you think of adding him to our team?,chandler,"bob? ooh, working here with us? everyday? yeah, i don’t know if he has what it takes."
mr. franklin,really? they love him down on six.,chandler,but this is eleven. it’s almost twice as hard up here.
mr. franklin,"okay, i hear you loud and clear. bob will stay put.",chandler,i think it’s best sir.
mr. franklin,but we really do need to find someone up here. the work is starting to pile up. i’ve got a stack of documents on my desk this high.,chandler,"y’know what you should do, just toss ‘em in the shedder and claim you never got ‘em."
mr. franklin,that’s a good one.,chandler,what does a guy have to do to be taken seriously around here?!
bob,"hey toby, you got a sec?",chandler,"sure, what’s up?"
bob,hey toby!,chandler,hey bobby.
bob,"it’s bob actually. hey, you work up here, can you tell me where this chandler bing’s office is?",chandler,"uhh yeah. yeah, it’s  right, right down there.  right there, yeah. can i ask you why?"
bob,"i want to talk to that bastard, see what his problem is.",chandler,"okay bob listen uhh, i’m the reason you didn’t get the job up here."
bob,toby don’t.,chandler,bob!
bob,toby! i’m not gonna let you cover for him. anything you say right now will just get me more upset with chandler!,chandler,well that puts me in a difficult position.
mona,okay.,chandler,bob. bob! bob!!!  what the hell are you doing?!
joey,"oh, yeah, good idea.",chandler,"hey man, whats up?"
gary,okay!,chandler,"yeah, yeah! me too!"
gary,really?! you?,chandler,yeah.
gary,"well, its kinda dangerous.",chandler,"well, i like danger."
joey and ross,yeah!!,chandler,tonight? you-you didnt say it was going to be at nighttime.
ross,"that was so cool man, the way you leaned on that guy.",chandler,it is starting to get dark out there.
gary,"yeah well, being that he was the victim, theyre usually pretty talkative.",chandler,okay.  but it is officially nighttime.
joey,yeah okay.  even though my tax dollars paid for this car.,chandler,your tax dollars?
joey,"yeah, okay.",chandler,wow! that sandwich really does smell good.
joey,did i say you could smell it?!,chandler,i cant smell your sandwich?
joey,half the taste is in the smell! you-youre sucking up all the tastiness!,chandler,"okay, ill give them back.  look! what is so great about that sandwich?"
joey,"okay, imagine the best sex youve ever had.",chandler,okay.
joey,are you thinking about monica?,chandler,yeah.
gary,this witness wont return my calls so were gonna see if we can surprise him coming home.,chandler,"sur-surprise him? were not, were not gonna make anybody mad are we?"
ross,"hey, im more cop than you two!",chandler,how do you figure that?
ross,"hello! im in the front seat, okay? im garys partner!",chandler,"yknow, when you say partner it doesnt sound cop. it, it sounds gay."
ross,"sorry! sorry! oh,  there!  hey gary, who am i? phone home!",chandler,look at officer ross riding back here with the visitors.
rachel,noooooooo!,chandler,"okay, yknow, we-were safe right? i mean nothing bad can go down!"
gary,"oh its nothing, it just says that you cant sue the city if you scrap your knee or yknow, get your head blown off.",chandler,"oh, hurry up. i want to sign that."
joey,is everything okay?,chandler,whats going on?
ross,uh-huh. thank joey!,chandler,"uh, hello!!"
phoebe,"my god, joey!",chandler,it was a car backfire!
gary,"hey joe, you ever think about joining the force? we could use a guy like you.",chandler,who jumps at loud noises!
ross,wow! i couldve died tonight.,chandler,"yeah! if the car that backfired had run over you! yknow what, i think ill go home before ross starts rambling about his newfound respect for life."
ross,i do have a newfound respect for life.,chandler,oh my god!
joey,dude! how come you took off?,chandler,"oh, i just went for a walk, around the living room. whatever…"
joey,is something wrong?,chandler,"no. no im just tired. yknow, from-from the walk."
joey,okay.,chandler,you dove in front of ross! ross!
joey,"thats what this is about! oh my god, you hate ross!",chandler,i do not hate ross!
joey,of course you do! i saved him! youre mad at me! it all adds up! you want ross out of the picture.,chandler,what picture?
joey,"i dont know, but i dont like what im hearing!",chandler,"look im very glad that you saved ross from the car backfire, but yknow, it couldve been a bullet and you yknow, you didnt try to save me!"
joey,"ohh, youre upset because you think i chose ross over you! no! i…knew…you could take care of yourself. yknow, i mean ross, he need help. hes not street like us!",chandler,"when it comes down to it, you would risk your life for ross before you would for me. thats the bottom line."
joey,"well, no, not exactly! all right, look, i, i wasnt trying to save ross. okay? my sandwich was next to ross. all right? i was, i was trying to save my sandwich.",chandler,from a bullet!
joey,i know it doesnt make much sense…,chandler,much sense?!
joey,"look chandler, it was instinct! okay? i just went for it!",chandler,"so you risked your life, for a sandwich!"
joey,"i know it sounds crazy, but chandler this is  the greatest sandwich in the world!",chandler,"so you didnt uh, choose ross before me."
joey,no! i would never do that! you-youre like my brother!,chandler,really?!
joey,"yeah! in fact, to prove how much you mean to me,  here.",chandler,thanks.
joey,how good is that?,chandler,"oh-oi-ho, yeah!"
joey,see?,chandler,hm-hmm.
joey,"oh-whoa-hey, dude, what are you doing?!",chandler,i thought you were showing me how much you mean to me.
monica,"man, i would be great in a war! i mean, i really, i think i would make a fantastic military leader. i mean i know i would make general way before any of you guys.",chandler,before or after you were shot by your own troops?
ross,i know where joey would be. he would be down in the foxhole protecting all of us.,chandler,"yes, if the foxhole was lined with sandwiches."
rachel,"that is it! you just barge in here, you dont knock",chandler,im sorry!
rachel,you have no respect for anybodys privacy!,chandler,"rachel, wait, wait."
rachel,"no, you wait! this is ridiculous!",chandler,can i just say one thing?
rachel,what? what?!,chandler,thats a relatively open weave and i can still see your... nipular areas.
rachel,okaaay.  any of you guys want anything else?,chandler,"oh, yes, could i have one of those."
rachel,"no, im sorry, were all out of those. anybody else?",chandler,okay.
roger,"did i, uh, did i miss something?",chandler,"no, shes still upset because i saw her boobies."
ross,you what? wh what were you doing seeing her boobies?,chandler,it was an accident. not like i was across the street with a telescope and a box of donuts.
rachel,"okay, pheebs, i was hoping for more of a change.",chandler,"yknow, i dont know why youre so embarrassed, they were very nice boobies."
rachel,"nice? they were nice. i mean, thats it? i mean, mittens are nice.",chandler,"okaaay,  rock, hard place, me."
roger,youre so funny! hes really funny! i wouldnt wanna be there when when the laughter stops.,chandler,"whoah whoah, back up there, sparky. whatd you mean by that?"
roger,"oh, just seems as though that maybe you have intimacy issues. yknow, that you use your humour as a way of keeping people at a distance.",chandler,huh.
roger,"i mean hey! i just met you, i dont know you from adam. ...only child, right? parents divorced before you hit puberty.",chandler,"uhhuh, how did you know that?"
rachel,"i know, i mean, why cant parents just stay parents?  why do they have to become people? why do they have...  why cant you stop staring at my breasts?",chandler,what?  what?
ross,"alright, alright. were all adults here, theres only one way to resolve this. since you saw her boobies, i think, uh, youre gonna have to show her your peepee.",chandler,"yknow, i dont see that happening?"
rachel,"cmon, hes right. tit for tat.",chandler,well im not showing you my tat.
monica,cmon up.,chandler,"oh, good. rog is here."
ross,yeah.,chandler,"oh, its nothing, its a little thing... i hate that guy."
joey,"night, you guys.",chandler,"oh look, its the woman we ordered."
ronni,"oh no, not you, big joey. oh my god, youre so much cuter than your pictures!  i-im, im ronni....cheese nip?",chandler,"uh, joeys having an embolism, but id go for a nip, yknow?"
ronni,"now, ysee, most people, when their pets pass on, they want em sorta laid out like theyre sleeping. but occasionally you get your person who wants them in a pose. like, chasing their tail,  or, uh, jumping to catch a frisbee.",chandler,"joey, if i go first, i wanna be looking for my keys."
mr. tribbiani,thank you. uh...,chandler,"so, whos up for a big game of kerplunk?"
ronni,"thanks. youre, uh, youre a good kid.",chandler,"cmon, ill show you to my room. ...that sounds so weird when its not followed by no thanks, its late."
joey,i dont wanna hear it! now go to my room!,chandler,"hey, kicky. whatre you doing?"
joey,just trying to get comfortable. i cant sleep in my underwear.,chandler,"well, youre gonna."
joey,"ive been thinking. yknow, about how im always seeing girls on top of girls...",chandler,"are they end to end, or tall like pancakes?"
joey,"yknow what i mean, about how im always going out with all these women. and i always figured, when the right one comes along, id be able to be a stand-up guy and go the distance, yknow? now im looking at my dad, thinking...",chandler,"hey, youre not him. youre you. when they were all over you to go into your fathers pipe-fitting business, did you cave?"
joey,no.,chandler,"no. you decided to go into the out-of-work actor business. now that wasnt easy, but you did it! and id like to believe that when the right woman comes along, you will have the courage and the guts to say no thanks, im married."
joey,you really think so?,chandler,yeah. i really do.
joey,"thanks, chandler.",chandler,get off!
rachel,i thought it was chandler!,chandler,what? what?
rachel,you were supposed to be in there so i could see your thing!,chandler,"sorry, my my thing was in there with me."
ross,"i dunno, theres just something about...",chandler,basically we just feel that hes...
rachel,wow.,chandler,things sure have changed here on waltons mountain.
rachel,"just think, in a couple of years we get to turn into them.",chandler,"if i turn into my parents, ill either be an alcoholic blond chasing after twenty-year-old boys, or... ill end up like my mom."
mr. tribbiani,"oh! ...hello, dear.",chandler,okay!  this is it!  were gonna get married!
monica,whoa!,chandler,oh my god!
phoebe,okay! okay! okay!,chandler,oh my god!! is everybody getting married?!!
phoebe,hey! don’t you give me any of your—hey!,chandler,hey!
joey,ross and rachel left us a message saying they were getting married! isn’t that why you guys are here?,chandler,yes! well that-yes.
joey,well! what happened?! did we miss it?,chandler,we actually missed it.
phoebe,"what’s the big deal, y’know? it’s not like it’s a real marriage.",chandler,what?!
phoebe,"all right. although i don’t think we need one, i never stopped loving you.",chandler,hi!
monica,hey.,chandler,"so, has anyone talked to dr. and mrs. geller yet?"
joey,where is the waitress?! i’m starving!,chandler,it’s a buffet man.
joey,"oh, here’s where i win all my money back!",chandler,"listen, i gotta talk to you."
joey,sure! what’s up?,chandler,monica and i almost got married last night.
joey,"oh my god! that’s huge!  wait a minute, why come i wasn’t invited? and who was going to be your best man? don’t say, ross. do not say, ross.",chandler,"look, i just don’t think monica and i are ready to get married yet! y’know? i mean, i love her and everything but seeing ross and rachel coming out of that chapel was like a, like a wake-up call that monica and i are moving so fast. y’know? and, how do i tell her without crushing her?"
joey,oh! tell her she’s not marriage material.,chandler,what?!
phoebe,good! good! i was just testing you.,chandler,hi.
the girls,hey!,chandler,hey!
ross,what?,chandler,are we gonna talk about what you guys did last night? or…
rachel,who got married?!,chandler,you did.
rachel,"well, i guess we just find a divorce lawyer?",chandler,"well, i think, i think, ross already has one. now, this one’s free, right? because you paid for the first two, so the third one’s free."
monica,"so, what do you think we should do?",chandler,i don’t know. but i-i-i know i love you!
monica,i know i love you!,chandler,so where are we on the whole going back to the place where they have all the marriages thing? i love you.
monica,"that’s a good question. look umm, last night we let the dice decide. maybe we should leave it up to fate again. i love you!",chandler,"yes, we don’t get married unless there’s a sign! okay, so say uh, say you roll another eight  then there’s a definite sign that we should get married."
monica,"all right, eight we get married, but 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 12 we don’t get married.",chandler,sounds great.
monica,ready?,chandler,ready!
monica,come on eight.,chandler,"yes, yes eight."
monica,wow! i can’t believe i actually rolled an eight.,chandler,"that was so unlikely. well, let’s get married! i guess."
monica,wait a minute. that wasn’t a hard eight! last night i rolled a hard eight.,chandler,"that’s right! it was the wrong kind of eight, no wedding! damnit!"
monica,i wanted it so bad!  wanna go pack?,chandler,"yeah.  we’re doing the right thing, right?"
monica,that kid really kicked me hard on the plane.,chandler,well you did pull his hair.
monica,he took my snack!,chandler,i’m not getting into this again!
monica,"okay! oh god, y’know what? it’s really bad.",chandler,"well, i told you not to walk. here.  there. okay."
monica,"this doesn’t mean anything, does it?",chandler,no!
rachel,"all right. okay chandler, enjoy your handful.",chandler,"all right, should we just, should we just get married? y’know? i mean should we just do it? all the signs are telling us to do it."
monica,"i’m sick of the signs! it’s too fast, i’m happy the way things are!",chandler,me too!
monica,i don’t want things to change! do you?,chandler,no!
monica,"all right then, then nothing changes! everything is great! everything stays the same! and you go unpack because it’s been three days and it’s driving me insane!",chandler,"jeez, relax! it’s not like we’re mar-ah-ah!!"
monica,then all your stuff would be here.,chandler,"well, what if all my stuff was here?"
monica,"then you’d be going back and forth all the time, i mean it doesn’t make any sense.",chandler,okay. what if we lived together and you understand what i’m saying?
monica,live together? there have been no signs for that.,chandler,me asking is kind of a sign.
monica,yes!!!!!!!!,chandler,okay!!!!!
monica,yes! okay! okay! wait-wait-wait!,chandler,okay.
monica,here’s your key,chandler,oh thanks.
monica,"here’s your key. all right, you have to christen it! now, go out and come back in!",chandler,"the door hasn’t been locked in five years, but okay! ready?!"
monica,ready!,chandler,"okay, a little problem. the key broke in the lock and i can’t get in!"
monica,wait! oh my god! i can’t get out!,chandler,this is not a sign!
monica,"no, it’s not a sign! it’s a very old key!",chandler,it’s an old key!
monica,oh my god it’s old!,chandler,i love you!
monica,i love you!,chandler,are you hugging the door right now.
monica,no.,chandler,"yeah-yeah, me neither."
joey,what are you doing?,chandler,the key’s stuck in the lock.
joey,i can fix it. hold on. look out. look out.,chandler,it still doesn’t work.
joey,i’m not finished.,chandler,oh.
monica,"any time you want. yknow, when i was younger, all i wanted to do was to play with this dollhouse, but no!! it was to be looked at, but never played with.",chandler,my grandmother used to say that exact same thing to me.
sophie,"hey, rach!",chandler,hey.
rachel,"thanks for lunch, chandler. yknow, you didn’t have to walk me all the way back up here.",chandler,"oh, that’s-that’s okay, no problem."
rachel,"honey um, honey, you do realise that we don’t keep the women’s lingerie here in the office?",chandler,"yes, i realise that."
rachel,summer catalogue!,chandler,that’s the stuff!
joanna,bing! that’s a great name.,chandler,"thanks, it’s ah, gaelic, for ‘thy turkey’s done.’ so ah, i’m gonna go, nice, nice meeting you."
phoebe,hey!,chandler,hello.
phoebe,"well, maybe it’s so big because the house was built on radioactive waste.",chandler,and is this in case the house sneezes?
ross,i-i know. well if something comes up...,chandler,"oh, im glad you guys are past that little awkward phase."
rachel,"okay, my boss, joanna, when you left, she started asking questions about you...",chandler,"oh-ho, liked what she saw, huh? dug my action, did she? checkin’ out the chan-chan man!"
rachel,"that was  surreal. okay, what do think? are you interested at all?",chandler,"yeah, she seemed cool, attractive. i’ll do it."
ross and rachel,ahhhh!!,chandler,"hey, my father’s house does that!"
rachel,"o-o-o-okay, how did it go? tell me everything.",chandler,"well, the movie was great, dinner was great, and there’s nothing like a cool, crisp new york evening."
rachel,hmm.,chandler,"of course, i didn’t get to enjoy any of that, because joanna’s such a big, dull dud!"
joey,"yep. i just, i just watched her sleep for like hours, just breathing in and breathing out. and then i knew she was dreaming ‘cause, ‘cause her eyes keep going like this.",chandler,"i’m telling ya, joanna’s got it all wrong. okay? all i said was, ‘this was fun. let’s do it again sometime. i’ll give you a call.’"
rachel,"ohh, gee. i wonder why she thinks you’re going to call her?",chandler,that’s what you say at the end of a date.
rachel,"you can’t just say, ‘nice to meet you, good night?’",chandler,"to her face? look it’s the end of the date, i’m standing there, i know all she’s waiting for is for me to say ‘i’ll call her’ and it’s just yknow, comes out. i can’t help it, it’s a compulsion."
rachel,call her! call her now!,chandler,"multiple, so many paper cuts."
rachel,"why hasn’t he called rachel? why? why? i don’t understand. why? he said he’ll call. why? why? chandler i’m telling you she has flipped out, she’s gone crazy!",chandler,"oh, well give me the phone then."
rachel,"come on, this isn’t funny. she thinks it’s my fault that you haven’t called her. you have to call her!",chandler,"look, you can’t call somebody after this long just to say, ‘in case you didn’t notice, i don’t like you!’"
rachel,well then you’re going to have to take her out again.,chandler,nooo!! she’s really dull! and she gets this gross mascara goop thing in the corner of her eye!
rachel,"i don’t care! i don’t care! you are going to have to take her out again and end it, and end it in way that she knows it’s actually ended. and, i don’t care how hard it is for you, do not tell her that you will call her again!",chandler,"all right! fine! but it’s just a lunch date, no more than an hour! and from now on i get my own dates, i don’t want you setting me up with anybody ever again!"
rachel,that’s fine!,chandler,"that’s just a lot of big talk, yknow."
phoebe,"ohh, the-the foster puppets!",chandler,"it’s not a big deal. it’s, just it’s right here,  and it’s all the time."
joanna,"well, thanks again for lunch.",chandler,"yes, this, this was pleasant."
joanna,"it was, wasn’t it?",chandler,"the food there was, was great."
joanna,wasn’t it?,chandler,so take care.
joanna,you too.,chandler,"well, this was great. i’ll give you a call. we should do it again sometime."
rachel,chandler!! are you gonna call her!,chandler,noo!
rachel,chandler!!,chandler,"look, i’m sorry. okay? i’m weak, and pathetic, and sorry."
rachel,"okay, you are going to tell her and you’re going to tell her now.",chandler,ahhhh—i’m not going to call you.
joanna,what?,chandler,"i’m sorry. i’m-i’m-i’m sorry that i said i was going to when i’m not. look, this has nothing to do with you, yknow? and this isn’t rachel’s fault. it’s me. i have serious, serious problems when it comes to women. i have issues with commitment, intimacy,  mascara goop. and i’m really sorry, it’s just that this is not, this isn’t going to work out."
joanna,"well, this isn’t how i was hoping how this would end, but i guess i have to appreciate your honesty.",chandler,"yeah, o-okay."
joanna,so...,chandler,well this is great! i’ll give you a call! we should do it again sometime!
joey,"well, so anyway beth, what i’m saying is i should’ve considered your feelings before i went home with you that night. i’ve ah, i’ve recently learned what’s it like to be on your side of it, and i’m sorry. so, do you think you can forgive me?  great. thanks. okay, bye.  hello, jennifer?  oh hi, mrs. loreo, is jennifer there?  oh, she’s not home huh?  well ah, actually i kinda need to talk to you too.",chandler,"guys, guys, ive got great news! guess what…"
monica,i cant believe weve never done this before! its sooo good! so good for monica!,chandler,"oh! look at that, times up! my turn!"
monica,that was a half an hour?,chandler,its your timer.
monica,"yknow, i dont like to brag about it, but i give the best massages!",chandler,"all right, then massage me up right nice!"
monica,"its so good, isnt it?",chandler,its so good i dont know what ive done to deserve it!
monica,say good-bye to sore muscles!,chandler,good-bye muscles!!
joey,"chandler, if it really hurts that bad you should just tell her.",chandler,"look, for the first time in my life im in a real relationship. okay, im not gonna screw that up by yknow, telling the truth."
ross,sorry.,chandler,and the bunny got away.
joey,"oh! yeah, look theres this play all right? and im up for the part of this real cool like suave international guy. a real clothes horse. so i figure that everyone at the audition is gonna be wearing this kinda yknow, ultra-hip, high fashion stuff.",chandler,and youre gonna make them all disappear.
joey,"yeah, like you could find something as sophisticated as this.",chandler,done.
ross,"hey pheebs, hows it going?",chandler,hey.
joey,hey!,chandler,hey!
phoebe,thanks!,chandler,pulling flowers out it makes the bag look a lot more masculine.
phoebe,that was my dad!,chandler,oh my god!
rachel,"ahhh, i think you look great! that bag is gonna get you that part.",chandler,and a date with a man!
monica,no hes not!,chandler,"yes, he is!"
monica,what?!,chandler,"im sorry but, ow-owww-owww!"
joey,"okay! all right, ill see ya.   we got it! we got it!",chandler,"hey, is rachel here?"
monica,no.,chandler,"listen, i just wanted to apologize about this afternoon and the whole massage thing. yknow? i-i really like em."
monica,"oh, please, stop! look, were supposed to be honest with each other. i-i just wish you could tell me—just say, i dont like your massages.",chandler,i dont like your massages.
monica,see? its no big deal.,chandler,"okay, but now see youre crying!"
monica,im not crying about that! im crying about something that happened at work.,chandler,what?
monica,my boyfriend said he didnt like my massages.,chandler,"its okay, you dont have to be the best at everything."
monica,oh my god! you dont know me at all!,chandler,"okay, you give the worst massages in the world."
monica,im crying here!!,chandler,"okay, hear me out. okay? you give the best bad massages. if anybody was looking for the best bad massage and they were thinking to themselves, whos the best of that? theyd have to go to you."
monica,"huh. so youre saying like umm, if there was an award for the best bad massage, well who would get that?",chandler,"oh, it would be you! you! monica! and youd get all the votes!"
monica,"so maybe they could umm, call the award the monica?",chandler,absolutely!
monica,okay. i suck!,chandler,yeah!
all,hey!,chandler,"hey man, how did the audition go?"
joey,"well to tell you the truth, they uh,  they had a problem with the bag!",chandler,oh my god!
rachel,"honey wait, joey, i’m sorry i mean as terrific as i think you are with it…",chandler,"oh, hey!"
rachel,"wait a minute! wait a minute! im not saying that you shouldn’t have a bag, i just—its just there are other bags that are a little less umm,  controversial.",chandler,"yeah umm, theyre called wallets."
joey,yeah. its actually our first official date,chandler,wow! so tonight may be the night! youre nervous?
joey,"naa, no. this is the part im actually good at.",chandler,what must it be like not to be crippled by fear and self-loathing.
joey,its ok!,chandler,how can you be so confident?
joey,"well, i... i know exactly what im gonna do!",chandler,really? like you have a routine?
joey,"no, no no no no. see. each woman is different.you have to appreciate their uniqueness.",chandler,really?
joey,"no, i do six things! first, i look deep in her eyes. then, i kiss her. next i take my hand and i softly graze her thigh.",chandler,you mean like this?
joey,"no! not like that, no no. no, like this.",chandler,"oh, i see what you mean, thats quite nice."
joey,more foosball?,chandler,...and beer!!
ross,wow!,chandler,hey! stop staring at my wifes legs! no no! stop staring at your sisters legs!
ross,"im sorry, its just... how did you get so tan?",chandler,she went on one of those spray-on tan places.
ross,"why, why you do, like with the-the toe separators?",chandler,why...why?
ross,"still, i cant believe thats sprayed on... i mean, it looks really good. i wonder if i should get one!",chandler,"sure, then you should get a mini skirt so you can really show it off."
phoebe,hey!,chandler,hey pheebs!
monica,"i know, amanda! ah! she called me too! shes the worst!",chandler,whos amanda?
monica,"shes this girl who used to live in the building before you did. then she moved to england and she picked up this fake british accent. on the machine this is her message.  monica, darling! its amanda calling!",chandler,are you trying to do a british accent?
monica,chandler gets pedicures!,chandler,"just so i know, how many more of those can i expect?"
monica,"oh, i guess we could try that, but... it seems so harsh!  have you ever done that?",chandler,"no, had it done to me though. feels good !"
phoebe,"ok, don’t hold thy breath!",chandler,hello? is someone on the line?
amanda,"yes, i was looking for monica.",chandler,"hang on, she’s right here.  someones on the phone, for ya."
monica,"we weren’t picking up, it’s amanda!",chandler,i get pedicures!
joey,nah! i dont have another level!!,chandler,hold on! there is something different.
ross,i went to that tanning place your wife suggested.,chandler,was that place... the sun?
ross,oh! and it gets worse!,chandler,oh my god! you can do a duet of ebony and ivory all by yourself!
rachel,oh oh! what is up with miss hawaiian tropic?,chandler,how was your date with joey?
rachel,"well, it was good.. until we got back to our apartment, and then we were fooling around and he started to put his hand up my leg and i kept slapping it away!",chandler,you didnt like that?
monica,"chandler, stop! it is not going to pop open!",chandler,you dont know!
monica,we are not friends with phoebe anymore.,chandler,"if she asks, i protested a little, but ok!"
amanda,"ooh, that accident must have been terrible. you look positively ghastly.",chandler,"well, arent you a treat."
joey,i dont know.,chandler,"that fake british woman is a real bitch, but she sure can dance... hey!"
rachel,"hi! hey, listen, can we ask you a question? when you and monica first hooked up, was it weird going from friends to... more than that?",chandler,"kinda... you know, sneaking around, having to hide from you guys..."
joey,"yeah, was there a part of you that... felt like it was... really wrong?",chandler,"actually, no. no, it felt right. you know, it felt like uhm... i cant believe we havent been doing this the whole time."
joey,"ooh, yeah, im not going anywhere for a while.",chandler,"dude, its chandler. let me in."
ross,go away! i dont want to see anybody.,chandler,"i know, i went to the tanning place and the same thing happened to me. you have to let me in."
ross,"dude, youre not tanned.",chandler,"no, i just had to get a picture of this."
rachel,hey!,chandler,hey!
rachel,is joey here?,chandler,i don’t see him.  do you see him?
monica,sure.,chandler,what?! no! no!
joey,i can’t! y’know? you guys don’t know what it’s like to put yourself out there like that and just get shot down.,chandler,"i don’t know what that’s like?! up until i was 25 i thought the only response to, i love you, was, oh crap!"
joey,yeah. okay. whoa!  i almost forgot this was on your…,chandler,we didn’t play it!!
phoebe,"okay, so when you’re done with your tea i’ll look at your leaves and tell you your fortune.",chandler,i didn’t know you read tea leaves.
rachel,"well, i have been spending a lot of time in the lab.",chandler,what does yours say pheebs?
ross,great! great. then i must’ve left it at mona’s. i knew it!,chandler,"well, i’m sure you get another one at ann taylor’s."
phoebe,"oh wait a second you guys…for the last couple weeks i’ve been that guy everywhere i go. we take the same bus. we go to the same bookstore, the same dry cleaners; maybe he’s the tea guy.",chandler,"phoebe, did you see that?! he totally checked you out! he is so cute!  mine has a picture of the village people, what does that mean?"
rachel,"so i thought joey and i would be okay once we hung out, but it’s not even like we know how to be with each other anymore.",chandler,"i know it’s tough now, but things will get better."
rachel,"how do you know that? what if it just gets worse and worse and worse, to the point where we can’t even be in the same room with each other?!",chandler,"i’m not great at the advice, can i interest you in a sarcastic comment? some cheese?"
monica,"honey, what is the bruce springsteen cd in the kat stevens case?",chandler,let’s just say if i can’t find the right cd case i just put it in the nearest one.
monica,"okay, where is the kat stevens cd?",chandler,in the james taylor case.
monica,where is the james taylor cd?,chandler,"honey, i’m gonna save you some time, 200 cds, not one of them in the right case."
monica,"okay. no need to panic. deep breathes everyone. okay umm uh, we’re just gonna have to spend some time and put the cds in the right cases.",chandler,"well, if we’re gonna do that we should come up with some kind of order. y’know alphabetically or by genre?"
monica,"good.  uh honey, the miami vice soundtrack? really?",chandler,they were just giving those away at the store in exchange for money.
monas date,it’s awfully pink.,chandler,"oh my god, honey we are so meant to be together. we both have copies of the annie soundtrack."
rachel,oh it was perfect! i mean it really felt like he was my friend again.,chandler,what problem did you tell him you had?
phoebe,all right.,chandler,the sun’ll come out…tomorrow! bet…your bottom dollar that tomorrow…  …there’ll be sun.
rachel,i can’t believe that you yelled at my boss! i’m-i’m gonna lose my job! what am i going to do?!,chandler,you can always sell your baby.
rachel,it’s all gonna be okay. they’re just so happy that i’m not suing them that they gave me one extra month paid maternity leave. so long as i understand that the money should not construed as a down payment on this or any other child i should bear.,chandler,"wow, ralph lauren is really going out of there way to show they’re not in the baby buying business."
rachel,"chandler, can you give us a minute?",chandler,"oh i’m sorry, you’re kicking me out of my own living room?"
rachel,yeah.,chandler,i’ll be in there.
phoebe,"oh-ho yeah! a song with rhyming words. oo, i never thought of that before.",chandler,i like her.
phoebe,why? because she can sing and play guitar and do both at the same time?,chandler,"well, that’s pretty much all i’m looking for from these people."
leslie,"i ran into vlad at the place where they sell the big fish, and he said you played here a lot, so umm....",chandler,"all right listen, i have to go to the bathroom, but if the place with the big fish comes up again. i’d like know whether that’s several big fish or just one big fish."
gunther,someone in there?,chandler,no. this is just part of a dare devil game that i play called ‘wait until the last moment before i burst and die.’
woman,"someone was in the ladys room, i couldn’t wait. i left the lid up for ya though.",chandler,"yknow what gunther, go ah, go ahead, i’m-i’m talking to ah, .  this is the part where you say your name."
woman,ginger.,chandler,"ginger. i’m talking to ginger, so...."
ginger,don’t you have to use the bathroom?,chandler,"nope, nope, i’d just ah, i’d rather talk to you. yes, i do. yes, i do have to go to the bathroom."
joey,i ran!!,chandler,"well, that’s the best kiss i’ve had with anyone i’ve ever met in a men’s room."
ginger,"actually, me too.",chandler,"op, foot in a puddle, foot all in a puddle."
ginger,"oh damn, i hate that.",chandler,"yeah, we’re gonna have to get you out of those shoes."
ginger,"oh, don’t worry about it.",chandler,"no, really you’re gonna freeze."
ginger,"no, i’m not.",chandler,"you’re not, what do you, what do you got a bionic foot?"
monica,hi!,chandler,hey.
monica,"oh, can i borrow this?  my milk’s gone bad.",chandler,"oh, i hate that. i once had a thing of half and half, stole my car."
monica,"so umm, how was your date with ginger?",chandler,"great. it was great. she’s ah, she’s great, great looking, great personality, she’s greatness."
monica,"sounds like she’s got the ah, whole package.",chandler,"joey told you about the leg, huh?"
monica,uh-huh.,chandler,"oh god, it freaked me out. okay, i know it shouldn’t have, but it did. i mean i like her, i don’t want to stop seeing her, but every so often it’s like ‘hey, yknow what, where’s your leg?’ i mean i’m the smallest person in the world aren’t i? i’m the smallest person in the world."
joey,morning.,chandler,actually he’s the smallest person in the world.
joey,heard about the leg burnin’ huh?,chandler,it came up.
ginger,your thinking about my leg aren’t you?,chandler,"no. no. actually i forgot, what is the deal with that again?"
to know is,‘how much it bothers you?’ because i don’t like wasting my time. am i wasting my time?,chandler,no. no. i don’t think so.
ginger,what’s that?,chandler,that’s-that’s my nubbin.
ginger,what’s a nubbin?,chandler,"it’s kinda a ah, a third nipple kinda thing."
ginger,you have three nipples?,chandler,"well, yknow two regulars. and ah one that barely qualifies as...  ahh, what?"
ginger,"nothing. i, i just remembered i have to leave.",chandler,"you ah, you have, you have to leave, now? how come?"
phoebe,okay.  ‘jingle bitch screwed me over! go to hell jingle whore! go to hell go to hell. go to hell-hell-hell.’ that’s all i have so far.,chandler,well hello!
joey,where have you been?,chandler,the doctor.
ross,is everything okay?,chandler,"oh yes! just had me a little nubbin-ectomy. yep! two nipples, no waiting."
monica,"come on! come on, i was kidding! it was such an obvious joke!",chandler,"that was an obvious joke, and i didn’t think of it. why didn’t i think of it? the source of all my powers. oh dear god, what have i done!"
monica,hey!,chandler,hey.
monica,"oh my god, this is horrible!",chandler,i’m so sorry.
joey,"sure, i can hang out ‘til i have to meet ya.  what uh—how come you’re not going?",chandler,i have a job interview i have to get ready for.
joey,i thought you already have a job.,chandler,"and people say you don’t pay attention. no, this is a much better job. it’s vice-president of a company that does data reconfiguration and statistical factoring for other companies."
joey,wow! how do you know how to do that?!,chandler,that’s what i do now.
cannot wait to read the front page of the post tomorrow! restaurant reviewer admits,i was wrong about monica.,chandler,"the front page? you really do live in your own little world, don’t ya?"
phoebe,is that a real place?  are they hiring?,chandler,hey phoebe!  fatty!
phoebe,"hey chandler, why so fancy?",chandler,"well, i got a job interview. it’s kinda a big deal too. its a lot more money and i’d be doing data reconfiguration and statistical factoring."
phoebe,"wait, i think i know someone who does that.",chandler,"me! i do that. so… seriously, do i look okay? i’m little nervous."
phoebe,"yeah, just don’t get your hopes up.",chandler,why not?
phoebe,"well, the interview…",chandler,what about it?
phoebe,y’know! you don’t make a very good first impression.,chandler,what?!
phoebe,oh you don’t know.,chandler,are you serious?!
phoebe,"yes, when i first met you, you were like, blah, blah, blah. i was like, shhh!",chandler,what is it that i do?
phoebe,"well it’s just like you’re trying too hard. always making jokes, y’know, you just—you come off a little needy.",chandler,did you like me when we first met?
rachel,"oh okay, i see what you’re doing there.",chandler,i can’t even believe this! i really come off that badly?
phoebe,"oh! it’s okay, you calm down after a while and then people can see how really sweet and wonderful you really are.",chandler,"oh good. good, because i’m sure this interview is gonna last a couple of weeks."
phoebe,"all right, don’t freak out! okay? i-i will help you. how long before you have to leave?",chandler,an hour.
phoebe,i can’t help you.,chandler,phoebe!
phoebe,"all right, all right, we’ll just do our best. okay? so let’s say i’m the interviewer and i’m meeting you for the first time. okay. hi! come on in, i’m uh, regina philange.",chandler,chandler bing.
phoebe,"bing, what an unusual name.",chandler,"well you should meet my uncle, bada.  i’ll let myself out."
monica,that’s right.,chandler,"…i think you’ll find if i come to work here, i don’t micro-manage. i don’t shy away from delegating."
phoebe,"um-hmm, that’s good to know. but let’s stop focusing on what you don’t do, and start focusing on what you do do.",chandler,"what i do do…is manage to uh, create an atmosphere of support for the people working with me."
phoebe,i see. nice sidestep on the do do thing by the way.,chandler,hardest thing i’ve ever done in my life.
phoebe,you gotta go!,chandler,oh!
phoebe,"okay, don’t worry. you’re ready.",chandler,really?
phoebe,absolutely! just fight all your natural instincts and you’ll be great.,chandler,okay.
joey,"hey-hey-hey, if my friend says it’s time to go, it’s time to go.",chandler,…also i was the point person on my company’s transition from the kl-5 to gr-6 system.
the interviewer,you must’ve had your hands full.,chandler,that i did. that i did.
the interviewer,so let’s talk a little bit about your duties.,chandler,my duties?  all right.
the interviewer,"now you’ll be heading a whole division, so you’ll have a lot of duties.",chandler,i see.
the interviewer,but there’ll be perhaps 30 people under you so you can dump a certain amount on them.,chandler,good to know.
the interviewer,we can go into detail…,chandler,no don’t i beg of you!
the interviewer,"all right then, we’ll have a definite answer for you on monday, but i think i can say with some confidence, you’ll fit in well here.",chandler,really?!
the interviewer,absolutely.  you can relax; you did great.,chandler,"yeah i gotta say thank you, i was really nervous. y’know i’ve been told i come on to strong, make to many jokes, and then it was really hard to sidestep that duty thing.  duties.  duties!  poo."
the interviewer,poo?,chandler,"oh my god this doesn’t count! okay? the interview was over, that was the real chandler bing in there, this is just some crazy guy out in the hall! call security! there’s a crazy guy out in the hall!"
the interviewer,poo?!,chandler,i’ll look forward to your call.
joey,thats it! thanks pheebs!,chandler,hey!
phoebe,"ooh, do you want to talk to chandler?",chandler,is that joey?!  let me talk to him!
joey,"uhh, my stunt double. yeah, and yknow, hes getting a little too familiar for my tastes.",chandler,"yknow what? i have been trying to apologize to him all week! if hes not gonna let me do it on the phone, im gonna go down there and do it in person."
phoebe,yeah!,chandler,hey!
joey,dont come out here!,chandler,"no-no-no-no, ive supported you one hundred percent and i want to prove that to you in person!"
joey,i got that! i forgive ya! dont come out here!,chandler,forgive me? you havent been taking my calls in a week!
a tourist,would you mind doing a picture with us?,chandler,"uh, what was that?"
phoebe,on a totally different bet.,chandler,hey!
monica,its almost our anniversary!,chandler,i know. can you believe it? one year ago today i was just your annoying friend chandler.
phoebe,awww! now youre just my annoying friend chandler.,chandler,huh.
monica,i got you a present!,chandler,"oh, but its not til tomorrow!"
monica,"i know, but you have to open it today!",chandler,okay.
monica,okay! there you go! its two tickets to vegas!,chandler,wow!
monica,"for this weekend! oh gosh, it would be perfect, we get to see joey plus we get to start our anniversary celebration on the plane. we can call it out plane-aversary.",chandler,do we have to?
monica,no.,chandler,"okay this is great, but joey said he didnt want any of us out there."
monica,"oh, he just doesnt want us to go through any trouble. think of how excited hell be when we go out and surprise him! plus we get to have our own, ani-vegas-ary! a-nevadaversary!",chandler,"yeah, i think we should see other people."
monica,"but we can go, right?",chandler,yes.
monica,okay!,chandler,its a great idea.
phoebe,"okay, im gonna go too!",chandler,"yknow pheebs, its kinda our  anniversary."
ross,"oh, but ive got tickets to the van gogh exhibit! ive been waiting like a year for this.",chandler,art lover!
ross,whatd you say?,chandler,i said art lover.
ross,is that supposed to be an insult?,chandler,"i dont know, im very tired."
phoebe,"so, so far is this trip to vegas better or worse than the trip to london?",chandler,so its pretty much the same pheebs.
phoebe,"okay, what about after i give you these candies?",chandler,"yeah, i guess its a little better now."
phoebe,"ah-ha! okay,  las vegas 1, london 0! ill be right back.",chandler,happy plane-aversary.
monica,aww! i love you!,chandler,can i give you a present now?
monica,okay!,chandler,okay!  oh man! don’t tell me i did this!
monica,i love the i forgot the present fake out!,chandler,"how do you feel about the, i really did forgot the present, please forgive me not fake out?"
monica,"oh thats okay. don’t worry about it, you can give it to me when we get back.",chandler,ohh thats the worse thing that can happen on an anniversary ever!
phoebe,"oh good! all right, so you decided to tell him about the richard thing.",chandler,what-what richard thing?
monica,"okay, i umm, i ran into richard yesterday and he asked me if i wanted to go for a bite and i did. the only reason i didnt tell you is because i knew youd get mad and i didnt want to spoil our anniversary.",chandler,im not mad.
monica,really?!,chandler,"oh yeah! yeah, so you-you bumped into richard! you grabbed a bite! its no big deal."
phoebe,"for 99 cents, id eat you.  okay, i can totally settle down here. its got everything i could ever want, including joey! look!  oh! look! hi!",chandler,oh my god.
joey,hi!,chandler,love your condoms my man.
joey,"they uh director. uhh, her.  all right, all right, its not a gladiator movie. i work here.",chandler,why?! what happened?!
joey,"look, im sorry i didnt tell ya.  im sorry man.",chandler,"no-no, thats okay, apparently theres a new policy where we dont have to share everything with everybody."
phoebe,noo! but that wouldve been so cool!,chandler,no! her boyfriend richard!
monica,"it meant nothing! okay? after all this time, how can you not trust me?",chandler,when you go lunching with hunky moustache men and dont tell me about it!
monica,youre right. im sorry. i shouldve told you.,chandler,thanks.
monica,"i promise you, next time i will absolutely tell you.",chandler,next time?
joey,"ooh, so close.",chandler,theres not gonna be a next time! you can not ever see him again!
monica,"i can not see him? i mean, you cant tell me what to do!",chandler,"thats so funny, because i think i just did!"
monica,"oh yknow what? if youre gonna be acting like this all night, i really, i dont even want to be around you.",chandler,fine with me!
monica,no it is not!,chandler,what are you talking…
joey,"hey, yknow in roman times this was more than just a hat.",chandler,really?
joey,"yeah, sure! sure! they would uh, they would scrub the floors with it! they would use it to get the mud off their shoe. and sometimes underneath the horse would get dirty so they would stick it right…",chandler,"joey, i uh! i cant believe this is how im spending my anniversary."
joey,"all right well, ill take you someplace nice then. look! a guy tipped me a hundred bucks today.",chandler,whoa!
joey,"yeah-yeah, he was playing blackjack for like an hour and he won $5,000. can you believe that? $5,000!",chandler,"yknow, if i won $5,000 id join a gym, yknow build up my upper body and hit richard from behind with a stick!"
joey,"wait a minute! why dont i do what that guy did? ill take this $100 and turn it into $5,000! and then ill turn that into enough money to get my movie going again!",chandler,good luck!
joey,chandler! i dont need luck. i have thought this through!,chandler,i see.
joey,chandler! you are not gonna believe this! i have found my identical hand twin!,chandler,what?
joey,my identical hand twin!,chandler,whats an identical hand twin?
joey,"whats it sound like? its a guy with my identical hands! it was incredible! chandler, the dealers hands were exactly like me! it-it was like looking at my hands in a mirror!",chandler,are you sure you werent  looking at your hands in a mirror?
joey,don’t you see what this means?! i can forget about that stupid movie. im gonna be a millionaire!,chandler,how?
joey,"look, i dont have it all worked out yet, but its gotta mean big money! come on! identical hands!",chandler,"again i must go back to, how?"
joey,"this is vegas man! people will pay to see freaky stuff! okay, how much would you pay to see this hand  twice? huh?",chandler,"yknow, i-i cant really put a price on that joe."
joey,"hey, are you unsupporting me again?",chandler,"no! no! i support you 100%! i just didnt, i didnt get it right away. yknow now im caught up! identical hand twins! its a million-dollar idea!"
phoebe,"ohh, you are so lucky!  hey! so, wheres monica? did you guys make up?",chandler,no!
phoebe,but she just came up here!,chandler,that was joey!
phoebe,i wonder where she is. that is so weird.,chandler,"yeah, well, shes probably talking to richard."
phoebe,would you stop that! do you wanna know the first thing she said when she came back from her lunch with richard? she didnt feel anything for him. she loves you!,chandler,really?
phoebe,"yes! now, she feels terrible! she really wants to make up! you gotta find her.",chandler,okay.
monica,"all right baby, come on!  yes! yes! i am on fire!",chandler,see you later mon.
monica,"wait chandler, what are you doing?!",chandler,what does it look like? im going home.
monica,"what? wait! why?  chandler! chandler! wait! i’m sorry, i was just playing for one second! i was trying to find you to tell you that, look if you dont want me to see richard again, i wont! he means nothing to me!",chandler,come on! i was there!  i know hes the love of your life.
monica,not any more.,chandler,really?!
monica,"really!  all right? lets forget about this going home stuff and celebrate our anniversary.  okay, this is empty.",chandler,"yeah, i wanted to make a dramatic scene, but i hate packing."
phoebe,get out of here you lurker!  go on! get!,chandler,hey pheebs!
monica,"yeah, i couldnt be mad at him for too long.",chandler,"yeah, she couldnt live without the chan love."
monica,a new pair of shoes for the chan-chan man!  yes!,chandler,yes! ive-ive never seen a roll like this in my life!
monica,"thats right baby! okay, what do i want now?",chandler,"okay, ah umm, ah, a 8. ah, a 6?"
monica,pick a number! that is your only job!,chandler,8. 8!
monica,thank you!,chandler,"if you get this one, we buy everybody here a steak dinner!"
monica,were not really gonna buy these people steak dinners are we?,chandler,noo!
monica,"okay, good! okay, what do i want now?",chandler,"ahh, ooh, try a hard 8."
monica,what?,chandler,two fours.
a drunken gambler,dont you let her go! youre a lucky guy!,chandler,"thank you, mister drunken gambler! okay, you get this and uh, we get the biggest suite in the place!  wait-wait-wait-wait! we  get the biggest suite in the place."
monica,"all right, biggest suite in the place. come on!",chandler,yes!! i love you! i cant even remember what we were fighting about!
monica,"oh, thats because i had lunch with rich—me neither! okay, what do i want now?",chandler,another hard 8.
monica,hard 8?! we should call it easy 8!,chandler,"okay, okay, i tell you what. you roll another hard eight;  and we get married here tonight."
monica,what did you just say?,chandler,you roll another hard eight and we get married here tonight.
monica,are you serious?!,chandler,yes! i love you! ive never loved anybody as much as i love you.
monica,ive never loved anybody as much as i love you.,chandler,"okay, so if an eight comes up, we take it as a sign and we do it! {whoa! where have i heard that before? matthew perry talking about signs in las vegas. i guess it mustve been some movie i saw.} what do you say?"
monica,okay!,chandler,okay! come on! lets go! all right!
monica,"nobody move!  okay, you look that way; ill look this way!",chandler,all right!
monica,that could be a four or a five. its your call.,chandler,its a four.
monica,"okay, come on, i cant get married until i get something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue.",chandler,"okay, all right, all right, all right! okay!  okay, heres something, heres something blue and new."
monica,youre so efficient. i love you!,chandler,lets go!
monica,no-no-no! we need something old!,chandler,"ohh, great, i have condom in my wallet ive had since i was twelve."
monica,thatll work!,chandler,i dont think so.
monica,"okay, now we just need something borrowed!",chandler,here just…take this.
monica,thats stealing!,chandler,"no, well-well bring it back! just put it under your dress."
monica,ohh.,chandler,"okay, one thing at a time."
joey,"me?! oh come on, man! you cant do this! come on!  im your hand twin!!",chandler,hello! one marriage please!
chandler and monica,all right.,chandler,dum! dum-dum-dum! dum! dum! dum! dum-dum-dum!
monica,what are you doing?,chandler,"oh, thats the wedding march. does, does that freak you out?"
monica,"no, only because thats the graduation song.",chandler,okay!  this is it!  were gonna get married!
joey,"no way! look, halloween is so stupid! dressing up, pretending to be someone you’re not…",chandler,you’re an actor!
phoebe,"no, it’s me. phoebe!",chandler,"monica! can i talk to you for a second? listen, i appreciate you getting me the costume…"
monica,what?! i thought he’d love it! his favorite kids book was the velveteen rabbit!,chandler,the velveteen rabbit was brown and white!
monica,"well, it was either a pink bunny or no bunny at all.",chandler,no bunny at all!! always no bunny at all!!!
joey,"yes i did! i’m chandler.  dude, what happened?",chandler,how is that me?
phoebe,that is so you!,chandler,when have i ever done that?!
ross,"remember the russian satellite, sputnik?  well, i’m a potato or a…spud. and these are my antennae.  so sputnik, becomes…  spud-nik. spudnik!",chandler,wow! i don’t have the worst costume anymore!
rachel,hey mona!,chandler,oh! hi!
mona,hi!,chandler,joey’s gonna be thrilled! he was hoping you’d come by as a slutty nurse.
mona,"umm, actually i’m just a nurse.",chandler,"you’d think that would embarrass me, but you see i’m maxed out."
ross,yes!,chandler,marry her.
eric,sure.,chandler,howdy doody.
ross,that’s funny. yeah. y’know you’re the funniest man here in a pink bunny costume his wife made him wear.,chandler,"oh relax man, relax. you’re looking a little flushed."
joey,"hey-hey-hey, i think we might find out the answer to our question.",chandler,what question?
joey,"monica and i were talking about who could kick whose ass in a fight, you or ross?",chandler,there’s no question.
joey,so you think ross too?,chandler,you picked ross?!
monica,"ross is really strong! okay, he’s the strongest out of all three of you!  except for joey.",chandler,i cannot believe you didn’t pick me.
ross,"uh, in her defense, she’s right. i am stronger. i would destroy you.",chandler,oh really?! you think you’re stronger? why don’t you prove it?
joey,yeah. listen to the slutty nurse.,chandler,you’re going down.
monica,"look honey, you don’t have to do this, okay? it’s the strength you have inside that means the most to me. you’re loyal, you’re honest, and you have integrity! that’s the kind of strength that i want in the man that i love!",chandler,that means nothing to me.  come on!
ross,pride.,chandler,and dignity.
ross,"so, you gettin’ tired?",chandler,nope! i can do this all day.
ross,yeah? me too.  gettin’ a little tired though.,chandler,"god, i’m exhausted."
ross,"look this is starting to look really bad for me. okay? mona, mona’s standing right over there.  oh god, she’s talking to joey! you gotta let me win!",chandler,no way! if anything you’ve gotta let me win! my wife thinks i’m a wimp!
ross,"hey, at least you have a wife! i-i keep getting divorces and knockin’ people up! and i’m dressed as doody.",chandler,you’re spudnik.
ross,"come on, who are we kidding? i’m doody. please? she’s watchin’.",chandler,fine.  oh no!
monica,"look, i wanted to tell i’m-i’m sorry you lost.",chandler,"listen, i’ve got a secret for ya. i let him win."
monica,is that a secret or a lie.,chandler,"no, i let him win—ross!"
ross,yeah?,chandler,would you tell her i let you win please?
ross,"oh. yeah.  uh chandler let me win. no, chandler’s really strong. oh my arm is so sore. oh nurse!",chandler,i am strong! i’ll show you!
monica,chandler please!,chandler,oh what’s the matter? are you scared?
monica,let’s go big bunny!,chandler,okay. 1…2…3—go!   i’m gonna kill myself!
ross,"n… no! we took a cab too, but i did test runs!",chandler,hi!
nurse,"yes, i see that here. unfortunately we can’t guarantee a private room and currently they’re all unavailable.",chandler,"man, if only you’d gotten here sooner."
monica,"umm, this is going to be fun. watch me freak out chandler. honey?",chandler,yeah?
monica,"listen uh, i-i’ve been doing some thinking, and i don’t know whether it’s because we’re here or rachel’s giving birth but umm, i think we should try to have a baby.",chandler,okay.
monica,what-what-what’s that now?!,chandler,"okay. i’ve been thinking about it too, and i, i think we’re ready."
joey,you’re ready to have a baby? my boy’s all grown up!,chandler,but you said you were ready too.
monica,yeah but i was just screwing with you to try to get your voice all high and weird like mine is now!,chandler,"yes, but haven’t you wanted a kid like forever?"
monica,what is going on with you? since when are you so crazy about babies?,chandler,i’m not crazy about babies. i’m crazy about us.
monica,what?,chandler,"look, we’ve always talked about having babies someday. i’m not saying it has to be right now, but i’m starting to think that we can handle it. we’re good. we’re really good."
monica,we are pretty good.,chandler,but nothing has to happen until your ready.
monica,"well maybe i’m ready now. i mean, it’s a little scary, but maybe it’s right.",chandler,what?! it’s not right! we’re not ready to have a kid now!!
monica,what?!!,chandler,i’m kidding. this is going to be fun.
monica,"so we’re gonna try? i mean, are we trying?",chandler,"we’re trying to get pregnant.  y’know i’m not really comfortable doing this in front of the babies. so, when do you want to start trying?"
monica,"okay, hold on a sec.",chandler,period math?
monica,yeah.,chandler,yeah.
monica,"well, we could start trying. now.",chandler,right here?
monica,"no, not here. maybe here.",chandler,"wait a minute, it’s perfect. we got a lot of time to kill and we’re in a building that’s full of beds!"
monica,i think we found a place.,chandler,okay.
monica,"umm, wait! do you want to set the mood a little?",chandler,"okay. uh, we’ll dim the lights, dim the lights.  or turn them out all together. uh, no scented candles. okay here. here we go."
monica,okay. let’s hurry—oh wait! do we have a condom?  oh right!,chandler,"yes, 98.6. you’re gonna be fine."
phoebe,enter pheebs.,chandler,should we tell rachel there’s an empty private room right next door to hers?
monica,"we could, or we can have sex in it.",chandler,"well let me think about that, while i remove my pants!"
monica,does that sound like janice?,chandler,"if it’s not, then there’s two of them. and that would mean it’s the end of the world!"
ross,hey!,chandler,hi.
rachel,oh not bad. do you know that feeling when you’re trying to blow a saint bernard out your ass?,chandler,weirdest thing. did i hear——mother of god it’s true!
janice,chandler bing!,chandler,jan-janice!
janice,"oh, this should be easy. i have a very wide pelvis. you remember chandler.",chandler,janice i didn’t even know you were pregnant! who’s the unwitting human who’s essence you’ve stolen?
janice,it’s you. this is yours.,chandler,what?!
janice,look how nervous he gets! we haven’t slept together in years!,chandler,that’s funny. does it-does it hurt? does the labor hurt?
monica,"oh my god! she’s amazing. oh, oh i’m so glad you guys got drunk and had sex!",chandler,"it’s incredible, i mean one minute she’s inside you and then 47 hours later here she is."
phoebe,ohhh.,chandler,"so, do you know what you’re gonna call her yet?"
rachel,"that’s not her name! i’m sorry, she just doesn’t feel like an isabella.",chandler,so then i guess ferdinad is out.
ross,"ugh, easy for you to say, you already know what your kids names are going to be.",chandler,you do?
monica,"yeah, i’ve had them picked out since i was fourteen.",chandler,"oh no, it’s gonna be named after some snack or baked good isn’t it?"
monica,"yeah, but i love you more. besides y’know, nothing goes with bing. so i’m screwed. i mean…  oh, hi emma. yeah, that’s you. you’re our little em. oh what’s that honey? what? oh, you want a little cousin?  you want a cousin right now?!",chandler,that was amazing.
monica,"i know. hey, do you realize we may have just changed our lives forever? we may have just started a family. nine months from now we can be here, having our own baby.",chandler,"and if not, we got to do it on a bucket."
rachel,oh my god.  okay.,chandler,"wait. before we go in, i just want you to know i love you. i had a great time on our honeymoon, and i can’t wait to go in there and spend the rest of our life together."
monica,"no, they were really cool. they were on their honeymoon too!",chandler,"they’re terrific, and they live right here in the city."
monica,"yeah, can we go call them? is it too soon to call? i wanna call.",chandler,"i’m sorry, we’re just kinda excited because we finally have a couple to hang out with."
phoebe,"oh, greg and jenny yuck!  hi greg, i’m chandler this is monica. hi monica, this is jenny. hi jenny. hi greg.",chandler,"listen, they are really great. if you just got a chance…"
joey,y’know what? why don’t you just give us our souvenirs and get the hell out of here?,chandler,we really…didn’t get a chance to…
monica,oh great!,chandler,ross! it’s got your wavy black lines!
joey,yeah! you gotta tell a girl before you tape her. such a rookie mistake.,chandler,y’know who has a great video camera?
monica,do you still wanna call ‘em? i wanna call ‘em.,chandler,let’s call ‘em.
monica,"uh sorry, wrong number.",chandler,here you go.
monica,i don’t think this number’s right!,chandler,what?
monica,they gave us a fake number? why? why would they do that?,chandler,"i don’t know! you were a delight to talk to. you asked all those insightful, great questions."
ross,"so when she came in, i got distracted and totally forgot about",chandler,"yeah, we’re gonna need to see that tape."
phoebe,regina philange.,chandler,"i still don’t get it, we didn’t do anything wrong."
monica,"i know! although, you did tell an awful lot of jokes.",chandler,i thought you said those jokes were funny. joke! joke! joke!
monica,joke. joke. blah! blah!,chandler,well maybe it was all of your questions.
monica,what about my questions?,chandler,"the sheer volume, it was like flying with the riddler!"
monica,"oh, i’m sorry. was that another joke?",chandler,was that another question?
rachel,"i cannot believe that i did this. especially after monica just went on and on and on about it!  okay rachel! here are the invitations rachel! now be very careful rachel! please, drinking no liquids around the invitations rachel!  whoa oh! oh-oh-oh! oh…oh-oh-oh…",chandler,did you do it on our invitations?!
ross,not on the ones we sent out.,chandler,"so, just the ones gave back to us and we had framed!"
monica,you used the europe story!,chandler,that’s the magic story you use when you wanna have sex!
monica,"hello greg?  hi, this is monica from the plane? listen, the number that you gave me 853-5…   that is their old number! jenny’s been giving it out since they moved!",chandler,jenny! that is so jenny!
phoebe,saved your ass.,chandler,hey!
monica,hey!,chandler,"oh, what’s the matter?"
phoebe,"well, you know that psychic i see?",chandler,yeah?
phoebe,"well, she told me that i’m gonna die this week, so i’m kinda bummed about that.",chandler,what?!
phoebe,i don’t—she said y’know that i’d have triplets! but she also said one of them would be black.,chandler,just out of curiosity did she tell you how you’re gonna go?
ross,hey everyone!,chandler,oh hi!
ross,ohh! okay! okay.  there are three  primary theories concerning sediment flow rate.   each of these theories  can be further subcategorized  into…,chandler,why don’t you open with a joke?
ross,"open with a joke? it’s a university, not a comedy club!",chandler,"wait a minute, hold the phone! you’re not talking about chuckles university?!"
ross,i-i-i don’t even know why i bother to talk to you guys about it. y’know what? i’m just gonna do it on my own with no naked chicks.,chandler,that’s the way i did it ‘til i was 19.
joey,hey! any good mail?,chandler,"yes, you got something from the screen actor’s guild."
joey,"ooh, it’s probably a residual check, hey can you open it for me, i’m kinda….",chandler,benefits lapsed.
joey,hmm that’s weird. i don’t remember being in a move called benefits lapsed.,chandler,"okay, it’s not a check. they’re saying your health insurance expired because, you didn’t work enough last year."
joey,let me see that!,chandler,all right.
joey,"oh, i can’t believe this! this sucks! when i had insurance i could get hit by a bus or catch on fire, y’know? and it wouldn’t matter. now i gotta be careful?!",chandler,"i’m sorry man, there’s never a good time to  stop catching on fire."
joey,"all right well, i guess i gotta go get a job. i’m gonna go see my agent.",chandler,"okay, make sure you look both ways before you cross the street."
joey,bastard!,chandler,hey!
joey,hey! so estelle lined up a bunch of auditions for me tomorrow and i’ll have my health insurance back in no time.,chandler,"that’s great, but shouldn’t you be on the toilet right now?"
joey,what?!,chandler,what’s wrong with you?
joey,"nothing! well, i-i got this blinding pain in my stomach when i was lifting weights before, then i uh passed out and uh, haven’t been able to stand up since. but um, i don’t think it’s anything serious.",chandler,this sounds like a hernia. you have to—you-you go to the doctor!
joey,"no way! ‘kay look, if i have to go to the doctor for anything it’s gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach!",chandler,that’s a hernia.
rachel,"yes, yes, bombay is bery, bery nice time of year.",chandler,"hey, will you grab me a cruller? sit down! will you go to the hospital?!"
joey,"dude! hernia operations cost like, a lot probably. besides it’s getting darker and more painful, that means it’s healing.",chandler,i will loan you the money. just go to the hospital and let’s just get that thing…pushed back in.
phoebe,hey!,chandler,hey.
phoebe,what’s going on?,chandler,"oh joey’s got a really bad hernia, but that’s nothing a little laser eye surgery won’t fix!"
phoebe,"eh, better her than me! hey, let’s bake cookies!",chandler,"listen, i’m really glad you got the part."
joey,thank you.,chandler,but are you sure you can do this?
joey,"yeah! and hey, thanks for coming with me. and thanks again for helping me take a shower.",chandler,"now, is that never talking about it again?!"
the director,cut!!!!!!!!!!,chandler,"i’m sorry! hey-hey joe, why don’t you uh, lift up your shirt?  take a look at this kiddo.  we have a crying child! roll the damn cameras!"
joey,hey-hey-hey!,chandler,what are you doing?
phoebe,we’re just celebrating that joey got his health insurance back.,chandler,"oh, all right."
monica,"probably the only time ill ever say this, but did you see the ass on her?",chandler,"where did you, when did you, how did you...  how did you get a girl like that?"
phoebe,"yeah, but remember you said you ordered something special, and it just hasnt come yet?",chandler,"actually, this is for kathys birthday. its an early edition of her favorite book."
rachel,"huh. well, then youd better keep it away from rosss hair. so this is pretty rare. how did you get that?",chandler,"oh, it wasnt a big deal. i just went to a couple of bookstores, talked to a couple of dealers... called a couple of the authors grandchildren."
ross,how do you think its gonna look when you get her something incredibly meaningful and expensive and her boyfriend joey gives her an orange?,chandler,"okay, all right, ill just uh, make sure that uh, joey gets her something really great."
joey,why?,chandler,"its okay, the ducks using our bathroom anyway.  hey joe! what are you getting kathy for her birthday?"
joey,"sure it is! she needs a pen for work, shes writing, she turns it over.... whoa! its time for my date with joey!",chandler,"all right, look, look. what did... what did you get for angela delveccio for her birthday?"
joey,all right! now you go get that beautiful pig! oink!,chandler,"okay, all right. i just spent the entire afternoon looking for a present for kathy that would be better than the rabbit."
rachel,"all right, look. why dont you just return the book, let joey give her the clock pen, and you give her something worse than that. like... a regular pen.",chandler,"shes really going to love this, you know? the bottom line is i want her to have it, even if i dont get to be the one who gives it to her."
joey,hey! im meeting kathy in ten minutes! ive been looking all over for you!,chandler,i got something for her.  its a book!
joey,a book?  is it like a book thats also a safe?,chandler,"no, its a book thats just a book, okay? its an early edition of the velveteen rabbit. it was her favorite book as a kid. so, uh, just... let me know if she likes it, okay?"
joey,"hey, listen, i gotta tell ya, i feel kinda bad taking credit for this, because man, am i gonna get a lot of credit for this!",chandler,"see, you think its just a pen, but then you turn it over and its also a clock."
joey,"oh, uh... dont forget your coupon. .",chandler,"oh, uh, yeah... i just knew that sometimes when youre writing, you... you dont always know the exact time."
kathy,"well, uh, when joey gave it to me, he said, this is cause i know ya like rabbits, and i know ya like cheese. thanks. i love it. and i know how hard it must have been for you to find.",chandler,"uhl..ell. by the way, in case you missed that, that sound was, uhl, ell."
ross,"ok, ok, you know what? i think youre very funny. kudos on that hat joke. but, come on guy just, just give him back the hat.",chandler,"stop talking, stop talking now. let me just get this straight. youre actually stealing my hat?"
rachel,"ok, doggie get the- aahhh. ok go get the sandwich, get the",chandler,do you have to be a century 21 real-estate agent to get to wear those really cool jackets?
phoebe,"i, i dont wanna meet my father over the phone.  what am i gonna say, like hi, im phoebe, the daughter you abandoned. oh, by the way, i broke your dog.",chandler,"well the package says you have to uh, constantly keep it moving. stir and drink, stir and drink, never let it settle."
ross,"no. so what. so what if we get beaten up, maybe thats just something every man has to go through once in his life. ya know, like a, like a right of passage or somethin.",chandler,"well, couldnt we just lose our virginities again? ya know, because i think actually mines growing back."
ross,"well we did it, were here. we are standing our ground. how long does a cup of coffee take?",chandler,"well, its sharp, its metal, i think i can do some, you know, serious damage with it."
little bully,"actually, you know, uh, i gotta show this apartment tomorrow and uh, you know, this no faces thing might not be a bad idea.",chandler,"ok, so let me just get this straight. so were uh, strictly talking about the middle?"
monica,"who da wenny-benny boy? you the wenny-wenny-benny-benny boy, yes. dont cry. dont cry. why is he still crying?",chandler,can i uh see something?
phoebe,"lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, as needed.",chandler,"you know, i dont think we brought enough stuff. did you forget to pack the babys anvil?"
monica,"ok. oh boy. you are doin so good. you wanna squeeze my hand? all right, ross, dont squeeze it so hard. honey, really, dont squeeze it so hard! oh, ross! let go of my hand!",chandler,"thats a good plan, joe. next time we wanna pick up women, we should just go to the park and make out. taxi, taxi!"
phoebe,"right. my name was on there, but now it just says carrot cake. so, um, so um, how many chords do you know?",chandler,"come on, pick up, pick up! hello? transit authority? yes, hello. im doing research for a book, and i was wondering what someone might do if they left a baby on a city bus. yes i do realize that would be a very stupid charact er."
rachel,richard? im not gonna go see your ex-boyfriend!,chandler,"oh, richard. thats all i ever hear, richard, richard, richard!"
monica,"since weve been going out, i think ive mentioned his name twice!",chandler,"okay, so richard, richard!"
ross,"oh god, here we go!",chandler,what?
rachel,ross! stop it! come on!,chandler,how much did i love the king and i?
rachel,just stop it! come on!,chandler,you okay there man?
phoebe,i am so sorry you got caught in the middle of that. i didnt mean to be so out there. i am furious with him!,chandler,"wow umm, calm down."
phoebe,you wanna be on my list too? keep talking! has anyone seem my list by the way?,chandler,"uh, no pheebs. whats it look like?"
joey,hey. i just got off the phone with estelle and guess what.  i got the lead in a movie!!!!!!,chandler,you got the lead in a movie? thats amazing! whats the movie about?!
joey,"and the best part is, were filming in the desert outside vegas!  and you know what that means buddy!",chandler,"yeah, i know that means buddy!"
phoebe,"oh wait, my grandmothers dead.",chandler,"well, uh, we can talk about that too pheebs."
joey,all right! thanks pheebs!,chandler,"whoa-whoa-whoa, what are we going to do about my job?"
joey,"oh umm, not go.",chandler,"all right, great, road trip baby!  this okay with you?"
monica,chandler! you dont have to ask for my permission.  you can go.,chandler,thank you.
rachel,damn!,chandler,hey!
joey,hey! you ready to go?,chandler,"yeah, listen, how cold is it going to be there? do i need a coat or will all these sweater vests be enough?"
phoebe,thanks a lot! i just got that jerk out of my mind!,chandler,"hey, so where are we staying? is the movie putting us up in a big hotel suite?"
joey,"uh no, not really. its an independent film yknow? so we dont have a real big budget. i figured id just stay in your room.",chandler,"i see, but once you get your first paycheck youll be springing a big hotel suite, right? i mean, lead in a movie, they must be paying you a lot?"
joey,"oh yeah! for every dollar shutter speed makes, one penny of it goes right in joeys pocket.",chandler,so you dont get paid unless the movie makes money?
ross,all right!,chandler,"all right, bye-bye now!"
monica,i wanna say good-bye at the car!,chandler,okay!
joey,"man, im getting pretty tired. youre might have to take over soon.",chandler,"weve been driving for a half-hour, and you havent looked at the road once."
joey,"dont worry, its out there!  i think i just need lunch.",chandler,yeah.
joey,you wanna eat?  my treat!,chandler,isnt that rosss money?
joey,yeah. okay. rosss treat! where do you wanna eat?,chandler,i dont know.
joey,"ooh, hey, i know how we can decide! all right, uh, im gonna ask you a bunch of questions and then you have to answer real fast. okay? so uh, clear your mind clear it right out! clear it out! clear!",chandler,okay!
joey,"okay, uhh, would you rather be too wet or too dry?",chandler,too dry.
joey,"do you believe in ghosts, yes or no?",chandler,no!
joey,is this movie gonna be my big break?,chandler,no!
joey,what?!,chandler,yes.
joey,"dude you said, no!",chandler,"i also said, yes!"
joey,you dont think this is going to be a big break for me?,chandler,no!  ahhh!!!
joey,i dont believe this!,chandler,"look joe, i just, i just dont want to get your hopes up real high."
joey,what are you talking about?! im the lead in a movie!,chandler,theyre not even paying ya! this doesnt even sound like a real movie!
joey,yknow what? i dont need this! okay? i dont know why youre dumping all over my big break.,chandler,"joe, i dont think this is going to be your big break."
joey,"is that why youre on this trip, huh? make me feel like a loser? cause if it is, ill tell ya, i-i-id rather be alone.",chandler,"oh, you dont want me on the trip?"
joey,not if youre gonna be like this!,chandler,"all right, ill tell ya what, the next time you ask me a question like that ill lie."
joey,yeah! i dont want you on the trip!,chandler,"all right, fine! fine! why dont you pull over? ill get out right now!"
joey,fine!  get out!,chandler,youre not actually supposed to stop on the bridge.
joey,get out!!,chandler,"all right!!  wait! wait, theres no sidewalk! yeah, im gonna die here."
rachel,eh! stop it!,chandler,hey!
ross,hey!,chandler,joey kicked me out of the car on the george washington bridge!
all,why?!,chandler,"i dont know! he went crazy! yknow, we were playing that game where you-you ask a question and you answer it really fast."
phoebe,that game should not be played without my supervision.,chandler,"well, i dont know what mad him so mad, yknow? all i said was that uh, i didnt think this wasnt gonna be his big break, that this movie wasnt going to do anything for him, and that uh, yknow it didnt sound like a real movie--okay, he shouldve pushed me off of the bridge."
phoebe,whats in the bag?,chandler,"oh, i figured you guys would all be mad at me. so i got you some gifts that i found on the side of the road.  who wants the teddy bear with one leg?"
phoebe,oh thats my grandma.  and thanks joey shes having a really great time.,chandler,is that joey? is that joey? let me talk to him! i wanna talk to him!
phoebe,"okay joey? chandlers here, he was wondering…  okay, i guess he ran out of change.",chandler,"yknow, he wont even talk to me. how am i going to apologize to him if he wont even talk to me?"
monica,"well, maybe you should send him something. so that when he gets to las vegas hell know that youre sorry.",chandler,thats a good idea. i wonder where i could  get a basket of porn…
phoebe,"no, dont-dont say im sorry with porn!",chandler,really?
mike,"oh, figuring out our wedding plans.",chandler,"thats funny, we were doing the same thing!"
phoebe,"its really crazy! the hall, the dress, the food... i-i had no idea how expensive this stuff was!",chandler,"yeah it is really pricey. i mean, i freaked when i first heard the numbers."
phoebe,so what did you two do about it?,chandler,"it was pretty simple actually, i came up with a couple of cost-cutting solutions, wrote out a list and monica told me to go to hell."
ross,"ive got to say you guys, thats an incredible gesture!",chandler,maybe you do that next time you get married!
joey,hey!,chandler,hey!
joey,whats going on?,chandler,our adoption social worker is coming by today so we are cleaning the apartment.
monica,we?,chandler,you know you dont want me to help. you cant have it both ways!
joey,"hey, is this person who decides whether or not you... get a baby?",chandler,kind of. shes coming by to interview us and see where we live.
joey,"hey, maybe i should stop by! she could be a soap opera fan! its very impressive when the little people know a celebrity.",chandler,little people?
monica,"ok, so i think im just about done here, unless you have any bad stuff hidden somewhere, like... porn or cigarettes?",chandler,what...? no!
monica,chandler?,chandler,"i dont, and im offended by the insinuation!"
monica,"ok, so theres not a magazine under the couch, or a pack of cigarettes taped to the back of the toilet tank, or a filthy video in the vcr?",chandler,"ill admit to the cigarettes and the magazine, but that tape is not mine."
monica,"oh my god, the adoption lady is early!",chandler,"ok, ok, here we go."
monica,ok.,chandler,here we go. stand up straight.  big smile.
monica,yay!,chandler,but you already gave all your money to charity!
phoebe,"well, i’ll just ask for it back!",chandler,i don’t think you can do that!
monica,"why not! this is her wedding day, this is way more important than some stupid kids!",chandler,"that’s sweet, honey, but save something for the adoption lady."
monica,ok. great. i am so glad that you are here. we’re really excited about getting this process started.,chandler,"oh, because we love kids. love ‘em to death.well, not actually to death, thats just a figure of speech - we love kids the appropriate amount... as allowed by law."
monica,is that that couple on the first floor? because we should get a baby before them. yeah! that guy tried to sell me drugs.,chandler,"but other than that... wholesome, wholesome building."
laura,oh...,chandler,what?
laura,yes!,chandler,of course it was!
laura,"yeah, we had a really great night and in the morning he promised he would call me and he didnt.",chandler,rat bastard!
laura,what was that?,chandler,"oh, its just some crazy guy who roams the halls here. hes great with kids though."
joey,"guys? everything ok? its me, joe...",chandler,aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa......aaaaaa-doption!!
laura,whats going on?,chandler,"oh, just like i said. that crazy... bert... roaming the halls."
joey,whats going on?,chandler,"well talk to you later, bert. everythngs fine!!"
laura,is he alright out there by himself?,chandler,oh yeah! he has a caretaker. his older brother... ernie.
laura,bert and ernie!,chandler,you cant make this stuff up!
monica,why dont i show you the babys room?,chandler,what the hell are you doing?
joey,"well, you wouldnt let me in, so i thought you were in trouble.",chandler,"well, were not."
joey,but you called me bert!? thats our code word for danger!,chandler,we dont have a code word.
monica,what room should we see next?,chandler,any room that isnt behind this couch!
joey,i did not care for that!,chandler,"you have to get out of here. you slept with our social worker and you never called her back and she is still pissed, so she cant see you."
joey,"ok, ok!",chandler,ok!
laura,oh my god!,chandler,"and for the last time, we do not want to be friends with you! and we dont want to buy your bat!"
laura,are you friends with him?,chandler,i can explain... joey...
laura,im sorry that you had to see that. im so embarrassed...,chandler,"oh, thats really ok."
monica,"hello...? oh hi... oh my god...! really...? i cant wait to tell chandler... ok, goodbye.",chandler,wrong number?
monica,it was laura... she gave us a great report and we are officially on the waiting list.,chandler,thats great!
monica,now we just have to wait for a call and... and someone tells us theres a baby waiting for us. oh...,chandler,hello...? have you seen joeys bat?
rachel,"oh phoebe, that’s a great story. can you tell it to me when you’re getting me some iced tea?   oh god, get out! get out!! get out!! get out!!",chandler,let’s.
monica,"well, well ross didn’t care enough to be here, so i think he’s out. you snooze you lose.",chandler,"he’s not snoozing, he’s teaching a class."
monica,"well then somebody’s snoozing. joey, not that this uh should affect you at all, but if you were to pick me, i was planning on wearing a sequined dress, cut down to here.",chandler,i haven’t seen this dress.
phoebe,phoebe-phoebe-phoebe-phoebe—burrrrr!,chandler,you really want to take me?
joey,"yeah! yeah! i mean i’m sorry, i wish i can take everybody, but y’know chandler always supported my career. he’s paid for acting classes and head shots and stuff and well this will be my way of paying you back.",chandler,so you’re never actually going to pay me back?
joey,"it’s not just the stuff he paid for, i mean it’s-it’s everything. y’know? he read lines with me. he-he went with me on auditions when i was really nervous, and then he consoled me after i didn’t get parts that i really wanted. you always believed in me man. even, even when i didn’t believe in myself.",chandler,i always knew you were gonna make it. i’m so proud of you.
joey,i’m gonna go shave.,chandler,"yeah well, i’m gonna go spit."
phoebe,no one’s here!  oh damnit!,chandler,this is so exciting! it’s so glamorous! people taking our picture. how do i look?
joey,a little tall.,chandler,what?
joey,"do you mind crouching down a little bit, so that i look taller?  there you go.",chandler,it’s just so glamorous.
ross,you’ve got to be kidding me!,chandler,good job joe! well done! top notch!
joey,you liked it? you really liked it?,chandler,"oh-ho-ho, yeah!"
joey,which part exactly?,chandler,the whole thing! can we go?
joey,"oh no-no-no, give me some specifics.",chandler,"i love the specifics, the specifics were the best part!"
joey,"hey, what about the scene with the kangaroo? did-did you like that part?",chandler,i was surprised to see a kangaroo in a world war i epic.
joey,you fell asleep!! there was no kangaroo! they didn’t take any of my suggestions! that’s for coming buddy. i’ll see you later.,chandler,"don’t go! i’m sorry. i’m so sorry!  look! this guy fell asleep! he fell asleep too! be mad at him!  or, call an ambulance."
joey,hey! sleeping beauty!,chandler,where have you been?! i tried to call you! i want to talk to you! i still feel so bad!
joey,"oh no, were you upset? did you lose sleep?",chandler,i’m so sorry.
joey,"uh-huh look, the only reason i can over here was to settle things between us! okay? you’ve done a lot for me and my career, i wanted to pay you back so i took you to the premiere but you missed it! okay, so how much do i owe you?",chandler,what?!
joey,"give me a number, i don’t want to owe you anything!",chandler,"you don’t owe me anything, i don’t want you money…"
joey,"ah-ah-ah! we’re doing this! okay, now you got me my first set of head shots. right, how much were those?",chandler,"i don’t know, five hundred dollars?"
joey,"okay, five hundred dollars. what else?",chandler,"well then there was the second set, the infamous booger head shots."
joey,"okay, so that’s another five hundred. five hundred and five hundred, that’s…",chandler,do you want a calculator?
joey,please!,chandler,here!
joey,"all right, what else?",chandler,"well uh, there was acting classes, stage combat classes, tap classes…"
joey,which we’re still keeping under our hats!,chandler,uh then there was that dialect coach who helped you with that play where you needed a southern accent. which after twenty hours of lessons still came out jamaican.
joey,"what the hell are you talking about,  the south will rise again man.",chandler,"yes, money well spent!"
joey,"yeah. okay, what else? rent!",chandler,"okay, two, three years of rent, utilities, food…"
rachel,would you like some pancakes?,chandler,…come on! why are we here?!
ross,"okay, okay take a guess.",chandler,the hot chicks?
ross,"okay, okay, i was typing names into the library computer earlier, y’know-y’know for fun, and i typed mine in and guess what came up? my doctoral dissertation! it’s here! yeah, it’s right-it’s right down here! in the biggest library in the university!",chandler,wow that’s actually pretty cool.
ross,"oh umm, there’s also a book here by a woman named wendy bagina.  what is that?",chandler,sounds like two people are really enjoying the dewey decimal system.
male student,sorry!,chandler,"you didn’t bring me here to do that, did you?"
janice,"so, who’s the lucky guy?",chandler,"oh…my…gawd! i am so sorry sweetie, are you okay? you didn’t tell her we were getting married, did you?"
monica,"well, she saw the ring.",chandler,did she freak out?
monica,"well, she was shocked when i told her, but then again so were most people.",chandler,right.
monica,"well, she actually has a boyfriend y’know herself, named clark. uh, she also kinda invited herself to our wedding. clark too.",chandler,you said no right?
monica,huh?,chandler,you said no right?!
monica,"well, she corned me! she asked if the wedding was in town! i mean, what was i supposed to do?!",chandler,lie!!! how hard is that?! the check’s in the mail! oh your baby is so cute! i can’t wait to read your book ross!!
monica,come on! so she comes to the wedding! i mean it won’t be so bad.,chandler,what do you think she’s just gonna sit there quietly? you don’t think she’s gonna want to make a toast? you don’t think she’s gonna want to grab the microphone and sing part-time lover?!
monica,"oh my god, she’s not gonna like the chicken that night either is she?!",chandler,y’know what? it’s gonna be okay. y’know what? she’s probably not gonna even want to come.
monica,really?,chandler,no! that was a lie! see how easy that was?
monica,so-so you would’ve just lied?,chandler,yes!!
monica,would it really have been that easy?,chandler,yes!!!
janice,"i should just go on to happier things, okay? umm, why don’t you tell about your lovely wedding?",chandler,"well actually uh, there was something we wanted to tell you about the wedding. um, it’s going to be a small ceremony. uh, tiny! we’re not even sure why we’re having it."
monica,what are we gonna do?,chandler,i say we go with careless whisper.
janice,chandler?,chandler,did she see us yet? did she see us?
janice,"please, it’s because otherwise i really don’t know what i might do.",chandler,aren’t you just a tinsy bit curious?
monica,we’ll just…we’ll just let her stay.,chandler,"no-no-no-no, if we let her stay, she will stay forever!"
monica,kinda like your barca lounger.,chandler,is that what you’re thinking about right now?
janice,"hey you guys, umm do either one of you want to get in there before i take my bath.",chandler,"janice, i’m sorry but umm, you can’t stay here tonight."
janice,why not?,chandler,"honestly? our apartment is a hotbed for electromagnetic activity. now monica and i have been immunized, but sadly you have not."
janice,he does?,chandler,say again?
monica,that’s right. that’s right. and that is why you can’t stay here tonight. and probably why you shouldn’t come to the wedding.,chandler,"feelings, such strong feelings."
ross,"don’t sweat it, i’ve got this section covered. yeah, in fact i’ve got this little baby  to shine in people’s eye——okay, see you later.",chandler,i just wanted to show monica your book.
ross,"yknow if we ever go to war and you’re captured, you’re in for a big surprise.",chandler,"it just keeps getting worse and worse! yknow? i mean it’s bad enough that i’m in love with my roommates girlfriend—which by the way, i think she knows. because every time we’re in the room together there’s this weird like energy between us. and call me crazy, but i think she likes me too. and now i have seen her naked. i mean at least when i’ve seen her with clothes on, i could imagine her body was like covered in boles or something. but there are no boles, she’s smooth! smooth!"
casey,great!,chandler,hey-hey-hey! who was that?
joey,that would be casey. we’re going out tonight.,chandler,"goin’ out, huh? wow! wow!  so things didn’t work out with kathy, huh? bummer."
joey,"no, things are fine with kathy. i’m having a late dinner with her tonight, right after my early dinner with casey.",chandler,what?
joey,yeah-yeah. and the craziest thing is that i just ate a whole pizza by myself!,chandler,wait! you’re going out with kathy!
joey,yeah. why are you getting so upset?,chandler,"well, i’m upset—for you. i mean, having sex with an endless line of beautiful women must be very unfulfilling for you."
joey,what is the big deal? it’s not like we’re exclusive.,chandler,"look, joey, kathy is clearly not fulfilling your emotional needs. but casey, i mean granted i only saw the back of her head, but i got this sense that she’s-she’s smart, and funny, and gets you."
joey,you got all that from the back of her head?,chandler,"all right look, i think it’s time for you to settle down. yknow? make a choice, pick a lane."
ross,"okay, guys.",chandler,"all right! bring it on, you…"
ross,"here we go.  y’know, i’ve-i’ve never played my stuff for anyone before, so it’s important that-that you understand it’s about communicating very private emotions.  y’know, umm, you should-you should think of umm, my work as wordless sound poems. that’s what i’m…",chandler,oh my god! play!
monica,"boy, that was-that was, umm… terrific.",chandler,"really, bitchin’!"
phoebe,"what are you guys talking about, i loved it! it was soo moving. oh, plus it’s just, it’s so different from the stuff you usually hear.",chandler,"you mean like, music?"
kathy,"hey!  oh god, is that baywatch?",chandler,"uh yes, but uh, i just watch it for the articles."
kathy,so is joey around?,chandler,"no-no, he’s not back yet, but he’ll be here any minute. so uh, come on in. have a seat. bow or stern?"
kathy,"i uh, don’t really have a preference. you?",chandler,i like it in the stern.  …of the boat.   hello.
joey,"hey, it’s me. listen casey and i were on our way back and had a little car trouble.",chandler,what happened?
joey,"we broke down on the parkway, so i have to walk back and get some transmission fluid. and hey, listen could you please tell kathy that i’ll be there as soon as i can.",chandler,why can’t you tell her?
joey,"‘cause i only have one quarter, and i think my time is about to—",chandler,joey! joey!!
joey,yeah?,chandler,i thought your time ran out.
joey,"me too, but i guess i do have a couple of more—",chandler,"uhh, that was joey. he’s running a little late, he says he’s sorry."
kathy,oh.,chandler,"so i guess it’s just uh, you and me then."
kathy,"oh, okay.",chandler,"yeah, i think it is!"
kathy,so what did you do today?,chandler,"oh, i had an appointment to get my haircut…"
kathy,"oh, it looks great!",chandler,…and then it got canceled.
kathy,"well, i could cut it.",chandler,really?! you do that?
kathy,"yeah, i do. of course, i learned at my aunt’s dog grooming shop, but hey, what do you say?",chandler,"dog grooming huh? okay, just don’t make my tail too poofy."
kathy,you have really great hair.,chandler,"well, thanks. i grow it myself.  y’know who also has great hair is joey!"
kathy,"yes! yeah! joey has great hair! umm, i’m basically done here. just let me get this off your neck.",chandler,what-what ‘cha doin’?
kathy,checking to see if it’s even.,chandler,‘kay.
kathy,looks good.,chandler,oh the phone! the phone’s making sounds!  hello!
joey,"hey dude, it’s me.",chandler,hey it’s joey!
joey,"listen uh, i’m really sorry, it looks like i’m gonna be stuck here for a while. i got the transmission fluid, but when i went to put it in the car, the transmission wasn’t there!",chandler,what?
joey,"yeah, it must’ve fallen out a few blocks back. i just figured we hit a dog.",chandler,okay.
joey,"listen uh, could you put kathy on, i wanna apologize.",chandler,oh yeah man.  joey.
kathy,"hey.  oh no it’s fine, don’t worry about it.  yeah-no, stop apologizing, it’s okay.  yeah! i’ll talk to you tomorrow.   i should uh, probably go.",chandler,yeah. yes! yeah.
kathy,i forgot my purse.,chandler,oh.
kathy,"no, i really did forget my purse.",chandler,"no-no-no-no, this is bad! it’s bad! this is bad!"
kathy,horrible!,chandler,"wait the uh, the kiss or the situation?"
kathy,"no-no-no, the kiss was good.",chandler,okay!
kathy,"no, but that’s bad!",chandler,"ooh! yes! okay! here’s what we do, we-we forget it happened."
kathy,what?!,chandler,"okay, we-we swallow our feelings. even if it means we’re unhappy forever. sound good?"
kathy,can you really do that?,chandler,"i have to; he’s my best friend, and you’re seeing him."
kathy,"chandler, i like joey a lot, but with you…",chandler,"oh-no-no-no! don’t! don’t! see-see, you’re getting me confused, i’m starting to urn."
kathy,"i’m sorry. if you wanna pretend that nothing happened, i can try.",chandler,i-i think we have too.
kathy,okay. bye.,chandler,bye.  are you still out there?
joey,aww man! i can’t believe i locked myself out again!,chandler,hang on buddy!
joey,oh my god! what happened here? did you do all this?,chandler,i sure did.
joey,why?,chandler,"well, i just thought it’d make me feel good to do something nice for my friend."
joey,"well, you’re amazing.",chandler,oh no-no-no. this is amazing.
joey,"a tv as if it appears from nowhere! that’s the dream! man, how did you afford this stuff?",chandler,"well, y’know i’m 29. i mean who needs a savings account."
joey,"oh, you are the best friends anyone has ever had.",chandler,"oh, i don’t know."
joey,"oh-no-no-no, you are! you do this, you give me the great advice, and hey listen, i was thinking about what you said yesterday about focusing on one woman, i’m gonna do that.",chandler,you mean with casey.
joey,"no-no-no, i think i’m gonna see how things go with kathy. she’s pretty cool.",chandler,or casey.
joey,"no-no, kathy.",chandler,could be casey.
joey,"no. no, kathy.",chandler,consider casey.
joey,y’know what i think? i think somebody’s got a little crush on casey. how ‘bout i fix you two up? what do you think?,chandler,that all the pieces of my life are falling right into place!
monica,yeah! joey has the best boyfriend ever!,chandler,i kissed kathy.
phoebe,does joey know?,chandler,"no. is there anyway, anyway you think he’ll understand this?"
ross,"no the-the sad thing is, if you had told him how you felt before you kissed her, knowing joey, he probably just would’ve just stepped aside.",chandler,"oh, don’t say that! don’t say that. that’s not true. is it?"
monica,he loves you.,chandler,then why didn’t you tell me to do that?!!
monica,i remember you did.,chandler,god!!  what am i gonna do?!
rachel,"well, chandler, you’re gonna have to tell him.",chandler,why?! why do i have to tell him?!
rachel,because you do.,chandler,"yeah, i know."
ross,"hey, would it be okay if i wrote a song about this.",chandler,hey!
joey,hey! samboucha margarita?,chandler,is that a real thing?
joey,"well, we only had samboucha, so it is now.",chandler,"listen ah, joe, i-i need to, i need to talk to you about something."
joey,what’s up?,chandler,"it’s-it’s about kathy. umm, uh, i like her. i like her a lot actually."
joey,you do?,chandler,yeah.
joey,"well, you’re timing couldn’t be better. she’s not my girlfriend anymore.",chandler,what?
joey,"yeah, she broke up with me.",chandler,"oh uh, when?"
joey,"just now, after acting class. at first i thought she was doing some kind of scene, that’s why i let people watch.",chandler,"oh man, i am so sorry. are, are you okay?"
joey,"well, i’ve been better. but, i’m all right. so you like her huh?",chandler,"yes, but i-i uh, don’t have too."
joey,"no-no-no, no it’s uh, it’s okay.",chandler,yeah?
joey,yeah. you know why? ‘cause you came to me first.,chandler,"well, i thought that would be the best thing to do."
joey,"but hey, listen just so you know, you might have you’re work cut out for you. ‘cause when i talked to her, i kinda got the feeling that she’s into some other guy. so…",chandler,"see uh, that’s-that’s actually what i wanted to talk to you about. i-i think i know who the other guy is."
joey,who?,chandler,it’s me. i’m the other guy.
joey,what?,chandler,"yeah, i mean when you were late last night, kathy and i got to talking, and one thing to another and…"
joey,and what?! did you sleep with her?!,chandler,no! no! no! i just kissed her.
joey,what?!! that’s even worse!!,chandler,how is that worse?!
joey,i don’t know! but it’s the same!,chandler,"look, i’m sorry! but there’s nothing i can do, i think i’m in love with her!"
joey,who cares?! you went behind my back! i would never do that to you!,chandler,"you’re right, i have no excuses! i was totally over the line."
joey,"over the line?! you-you’re-you’re so far past the line, that you-you can’t even see the line! the line is a dot to you!",chandler,yes. yes! right! and i feel horrible. you have to believe me!
joey,"is that why you bought all this stuff?!  well, y’know what i will not watch your tv, i will not listen to your stereo, and there’s a cinnamon raisin loaf in the new bread maker that i’m not gonna eat! you know why?!",chandler,probably because…
monica,"oh good, another dinosaur story. when are those gonna become extinct?",chandler,"if i was a superhero who could fly and be invisible, that would be the best."
joey,booo!!,chandler,don’t look honey. change the channel! change the channel!
matress king,‘despair fills the mattress showroom. my kingdom is suddenly without a queen. i’m so depressed i’m going to slash... my prices!! check it out! four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set! i’m going medieval on prices!,chandler,what a wank!
rachel,"but honey he calls everybody by a nickname! okay, look, i know, all right, just one dinner, please, just one night for me, please. i just want him to love you like i do.  all right, well not exactly like i do, but, but, if you do come to dinner, i’ll love you like i do in that black thing that you like.",chandler,i’ll go.
all,yay!!,chandler,"see, that’s why i could never be an actor. because i can’t say gig."
monica,did you make brownies today?,chandler,"knock, knock."
monica,"quick, take off your dress, he won’t notice the bed.",chandler,"hey, i’m going for sushi does anybody want..  whoa-whoa, somebody missed the off ramp."
phoebe,it’s monica’s bed. what?,chandler,okay.  it’s a racecar.
phoebe,"so. this has always been monica’s bed, what you’re just noticing now, how self-involved are you?",chandler,"okay, well it this bed isn’t new, how come there is plastic on the mattress?"
student,"thanks, any suggestions?",chandler,you told him to play the boxer gay!!
joey,"well, i-i might’ve said supergay.",chandler,you totally screwed him over.
janice,oh my god.,chandler,"varrrrrroom! hey! watch it lady! varrrrrrrrrrom!  hey-hey good lookin’!  varrrrrrrrroom.  all right, i’ll leave. my bed’s so boring."
monica,thats very nice.,chandler,"thats sweet, joey."
joey,"i mean, its not so much an underpant as it is a feat of engineering. i mean, its amazing how much they can do with so little material! and the way they play with your mind! is it there? is it not there?",chandler,are you aware that youre still talking?
ross,im sorry. its just that this is the worse thanksgiving ever.,chandler,no-no-no! i am the king of bad thanksgivings. you cant just swoop in here with your bad marriage and take that away from me.
joey,"oh, come on! i wanna hear it! it wouldnt be thanksgiving without chandler bumming us out!",chandler,"its a tradition, like the parade. if the parade decided it was gay, moved out, and abandoned its entire family."
phoebe,i dont know about that. ive got one thats worse.,chandler,"really? worse than, more turkey mr. chandler?"
joey,"hey, its not like it sounds.",chandler,its exactly like it sounds. thanksgiving 1992
monica,"okay, count to three. 1. 2. 3!",chandler,arghhhhhh!!
joey,"it worked! i scared ya, i knew it! ha-ha!",chandler,im over here big guy.
joey,"yeah, you are!  i scared you! present day",chandler,you did look like an idiot.
monica,"umm, i-i really dont want to tell this story.",chandler,"oh, come on monica, reliving past pain and getting depressed is what thanksgiving is all about. yknow, for me anyway. and of course, the indians."
fat monica,"hi, im rosss little sister.",chandler,okay.
fat monica,"umm, chandler, if you want i can make you some macaroni and cheese for dinner.",chandler,"well, as long as the pilgrims didnt eat it, im in."
fat monica,hey chandler! did you like the macaroni and cheese?,chandler,"oh yeah, it was great. you should be a chef."
ross,so i’m thinking about asking rachel out tonight. yknow maybe play her that song we wrote last week.,chandler,emotional knapsack?
ross,yeah.,chandler,"right on! oh! uh, but, don’t take to long okay? cause uh, were gonna test out our fake ids tonight, right clifford alverez."
ross,"listen, roland chang, if things go well, i’m gonna be out with her all night.",chandler,"dude, dont do that too me!"
ross,"all right, its cool you can stay here. my parents wont mind.",chandler,"no, its not that, i just dont want to be stuck here all night with your fat sister."
mr. geller,"well judy, you did it! shes finally full!",chandler,i called you fat?! i dont even remember that!
monica,"well, i do.",chandler,i am so sorry. i really am. i was an idiot back then. i rushed the stage at a wham concert for crying out loud!
ross,i cant believe you let george michael slap you.,chandler,"i am really sorry. that is so terrible. i am so, so sorry."
phoebe,"oh, no, i have the cutest christmas story!",chandler,we wanna hear monicas thanksgiving story!
mr. geller,"god, your hair sure is different!",chandler,"yeah, we were just talking about that. i cant believe how stupid we used to look."
monica,"hi, chandler.",chandler,oh my god!
monica,"what-whats the matter? is there, is there something on my dress?",chandler,"you just, you look so different! terrific! that dress! that body!"
ross,dude!,chandler,sorry!
mr. geller,dude!,chandler,sorry.
rachel,"yeah? okay! good, good, because hes coming. hes coming. hey, whats up?",chandler,"monica, i was wondering if you can make me some of that righteous mac and cheese like last year."
monica,"umm, id love too!  ooh, i love macaroni and cheese. i love-i love the way this box feels against my cheek.",chandler,okay.
monica,"boy, i love carrots! oh!  sometimes i like to put them between my fingers like this and-and hold them down here while i talk to you.  umm, and-and-and yknow if i get really hot umm, i-i like to pick up this knife  and-and umm, i-i put the cold steal against umm,  my body.",chandler,are you all right?
the doctor,you brought a carrot.,chandler,what?
the doctor,"its too late, all we can do now is sow up the wound.",chandler,without my toe?! i need my toe!
mr. geller,"oh, im not falling for that one! present day",chandler,thats why i lost my toe?! because i called you fat?!
monica,i didnt mean to cut it off. it was an accident.,chandler,thats why for an entire year people called me sir limps-a-lot?!
monica,im sorry! it wasnt your whole toe!,chandler,"yeah, well, i miss the tip! its the best part. it has the nail."
joey,youre a dork.,chandler,i cant believe this.
monica,"chandler, i said i was sorry.",chandler,"yeah, well, sorry doesn’t bring back the little piggy that cried all the way home! i hate this stupid day! and everything about it! ill see you later."
monica,"oh wait, chandler, come here is there anything i can do? anything?",chandler,"yeah, just leave me alone for a while."
monica,"wait, wait, wait!",chandler,"look, monica…"
monica,look!,chandler,this is not going to work.
monica,i bet this will work!,chandler,you are so great! i love you!
monica,what?,chandler,"nothing! i said, i said youre so great and then i just, i just stopped talking!"
monica,you said you loved me! i cant believe this!,chandler,no i didnt!
monica,"yes, you did!",chandler,no i didnt!
monica,you love me!,chandler,no i dont! stop it! stop it! stop it! stop it!  ending credits thanksgiving 1915
monica,sex!,chandler,"seriously, answer faster!"
monica,"oh, im sorry honey, you know, but when she said sex i wasnt thinking about sex with you!",chandler,its like a giant hug.
phoebe,"oh yeah? well, lets see.  ok, duck down.",chandler,hello.
phoebe,"oh, hi chandler. its phoebe. uhm... i know that monica is working today so... ...i was wondering if you want to come to the movies with me and rachel.",chandler,"oh, uhm... i have to work too. yeah, im stuck at the office all day."
phoebe,"oh, well, its a shame that you-that you miss the movie cause we were gonna see, you know, either liar, liar or betrayal, or... an affair to remember.",chandler,those are all really old!
phoebe,i got them!,chandler,hi!
monica,hey! you smell like perfume and cigarettes.,chandler,i was in the car with nancy all day.
monica,nancy doesn’t smoke!,chandler,"well, at least the perfume is not mine, be thankful for that!"
monica,so? what do you think of the house?,chandler,it’s perfect. it’s everything we’ve been looking for.
monica,isn’t it? then what about the amazing wainscotting and the crown molding and the dormer windows in the attic?,chandler,and the wiggle wharms and the zip zorps?  what were the things you said?
monica,don’t you love the huge yard?,chandler,and the fireplace in the bedroom.
monica,"and nancy said that its really under price, because the guy lost his job and has to move in with his parents!",chandler,this is bringing out a lovely color in you!
monica,so? do you think we should get it?,chandler,i don’t know. what do you think?
monica,i think we should.,chandler,i do too.
monica,this is huge!,chandler,i know.
monica,"how bad you wanna smoke, right now.",chandler,"i don’t know what you mean, giant talking cigarette! oh, by the way, phoebe called just as i was getting into nancy’s car, so if she asks you, i was at work all day."
monica,gotcha. when do we tell them about this?,chandler,"we don’t. not until its a hundred percent. i mean, why upset everybody over nothing."
monica,okay. right. oh my god that is gonna be so hard.,chandler,i know. gooooood luck with it.
monica,"yeah, sure... uhm, im devastated, obviously...  did you think the neighborhood was homey?",chandler,hey!
joey,you son of a bitch!,chandler,"is it me, or have the greetings gone downhill around here?"
monica,"ok, alright, you guys, youd better sit down, this is pretty big.",chandler,yeah  im not having an affair. nancy is our realtor.
monica,"and thats great for you guys, but we want a lawn and a swingset...",chandler,...and a street where our kids can ride their bikes and maybe an ice-cream truck can go by.
ross,"its ok, because they have to get it out of their system, okay , but youre going to realize, this is the only place, you wanna be.",chandler,"actually, we already found a house we love."
monica,"and about an hour ago, we made an offer.",chandler,"bet you wish i was having an affair now, huh? time lapse"
phoebe,"wha..? again with the nature, what are you? beavers?",chandler,i know this is really hard and were really sorry.
joey,"is this because i come over here without knocking and eat your food?  because i can stop doing that,  i really, really think i can!",chandler,you know thats not the reason joe.
phoebe,"you guys, you know what i just realized? joker is poker with a j. coincidence?",chandler,"hey, thats...joincidence with a c!"
rachel,oooohh that’s interesting.,chandler,"if you win, we give up the birds."
joey,dah!!,chandler,"but if we win, we get your apartment."
ross,correct. rachel claims this is her favorite movie…,chandler,dangerous liaisons.
joey,everyday use.,chandler,fancy.
joey,guest.,chandler,fancy guest.
ross,"no, 19.",chandler,thanks man.
ross,don’t blame the questions!,chandler,would you all stop yelling in our apartment! you are ruining moving day for us!
ross,"chandler!!! chandler!!!  chandler, i saw what you were doing through the window! chandler, i saw what you were doing to my sister! now get out here!",chandler,"wow! listen, we had a good run. you know, what was it? four? five months? i mean, thats more than most people have in a lifetime! so, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then!"
rachel,"hey, whats-whats going on?!",chandler,"well, i think, i think ross knows about me and monica."
ross,"i thought you were my best friend, this is my sister! my best friend and my sister! i-i cannot believe this!",chandler,"look, were not just messing around! i love her. okay, im in love with her."
monica,"and when i told her that i was gonna be moving in with chandler, she was really supportive.   you were so great. you made it so easy. and now you have to leave. and i have to live with a boy!! time lapse",chandler,hey.
monica,she really left.,chandler,i know.
monica,thank you.,chandler,no problem roomie.
monica,can i ask you a question?,chandler,sure!
monica,what the hell is that dog doing here?!,chandler,"little toast here. i know this isnt exactly the kind of thanksgiving that all of you all planned, but for me, this has been really great, you know, i think because it didnt involve divorce or projectile vomiting. anyway, i was just thinking, i mean, if youd gone to vail, and if you guysd been with your family, if you didnt have syphilis and stuff, we wouldnt be all together, you know? so i guess what im trying to say is that im very thankful that all of your thanksgivings sucked."
rachel,and a crappy new year.,chandler,"here, here!"
rachel,"yeah. so dont move, okay? just stay here and...  maybe close your blinds at night.",chandler,"hello? its nancy, they responded to our offer."
monica,and?,chandler,"okay, thanks...  they passed. they said they wouldnt go a penny under the asking price."
monica,we cant afford that.,chandler,i know.
joey,"you know, im really sorry i wasnt more supportive before.",chandler,"thats okay, we understand."
monica,"i know therell be other houses, but its just so... i love that one so much.",chandler,"yeah... well, its a good thing we got it then."
monica,what?,chandler,we got the house.
monica,oh my god!,chandler,i just didnt want to tell you in front of them.
monica,oh my god! my god! weve got the house !?,chandler,were getting the house.  were getting the house.
monica,and a baby...,chandler,were growing up.
monica,we sure are.,chandler,so whos gonna tell them?
monica,not it!,chandler,not it! damn it!
rachel,aah! why? what are these for?,chandler,youll see.
ross,"seriously you guys, whats going on? what are these for?",chandler,"well, i didnt know how to tell you before, but... we got the house."
"ross, rachel and chandler",hey!,chandler,"honey, i got us that room at the woodford inn this weekend."
rachel,"no, that day... that wont be her real birthday!",chandler,gee if only she were one and had no idea what the hell a birthday was!
monica,"well, im sorry, but chandler and i could really use a weekend away. you know, to reconnect... emotionally.",chandler,theres this thing i really want us to do. i read about it in maxim...
monica,"all right, well stay. we can just drive up after the party.",chandler,"fine, but if we end up not doing this maxim thing because of this party..."
monica,hey!,chandler,hey hey! wheres the birthday girl?
rachel,"oh, shes still napping",chandler,"oh, sure, she was probably up all night, excited about the party she knows is happening."
monica,i cant believe emma is still asleep!,chandler,"i know, what are we gonna do?"
monica,ive got a plan. ive got a plan. im going to ram this platter really hard into your ribs. youre gonna scream out and thatll wake her up!,chandler,im not going to vermont with this monica!
rachel,"yes, yes. i still want my daughters picture, but on a bunny cake. yellow cake, chocolate frosting with nuts!",chandler,to be fair this one does have nuts.
ross,"well, you know what? while were waiting, you guys could tape your message to emma for her 18th birthday, huh?  ok!",chandler,hi emma! its the year 2020. are you still enjoying your nap?
monica,"were aunt monica and uncle chandler, by the way. you may not recognize us, because we havent spoken to your parents in seventeen years!",chandler,"we used to be married, but then we missed a weekend away together and things kind of unraveled. because of you! happy birthday."
ross,"hello?  oh no! what happened?  ok ok, where are you? . ok, ill be right there.",chandler,was that emma? is she up?
ross,"no, wait ! you guys, no, no, you cant leave! rachel already feels bad that the cakes messed up. how do you think shes gonna feel when she comes back here and all you guys are gone?",chandler,i dont know! youll tell us on monday!
joey,got it!  hey hey hey!  where do you think youre going?,chandler,to the bathroom!
phoebe,oh no! hes not getting away that easy!,chandler,what are you doing? get the hell out of here!
joey,oh! well thats it! hes the last one to go. im locking you guys in.,chandler,"you do know, i can just turn them the other way around, right?"
joey,"or.. we could flip a coin, and then multiply the..",chandler,im begging you stop.
phoebe,yeah!! lets do that!,chandler,that sounds more fun than the thing we were going to do in vermont!
phoebe,ok! i want the dolphin!,chandler,thats a bear.
joey,"ok, ladies and gentlemen, wind your toys!",chandler,"ok, on your mark... get set... go!!!"
monica,wha... how the hell is that gonna help?,chandler,i bought you. how did i forget that thats all you do?
monica,"no! no, no... wait! we didnt lose.  the rules clearly stated that the last one to cross the finish line was the loser. well, our dog never crossed the finish line, so technically...",chandler,they left.
monica,"now another way to organise your stuffed animals, is by size.",chandler,"im sorry, is this a game for emma or for monica?"
monica,game?,chandler,"emma, you even know its your birthday today? youre one! one-year-old, thats little."
monica,thats how old you are.,chandler,did i teach her that? did i just... impart wisdom?
monica,"ooh, i want one...",chandler,me too...
monica,...and head to canada!,chandler,i was kidding.
phoebe,"hey, are ross and rachel back?",chandler,"no, not yet."
rachel,i dont care that you left. im just glad that youre here. thanks you guys!,chandler,"hey, guys! come on! you gotta see what emma just did."
rachel,what?,chandler,"emma, how old are you? how old are you today?"
ross,"okay, here we go! emmas first birthday cake... well hey... well, blow out the candle. come on emma.",chandler,"lets do it, come on!"
phoebe,"go, go, go alan! run you, hairy bastard!",chandler,hi!
monica,hey!,chandler,"were just here to say goodbye, were off to ohio."
joey,"i cant believe it. when you guys come back, youre gonna have a baby! that is so weird!",chandler,and so incorrect!
ross,"come on, shes gonna love you guys!",chandler,"uhm, thank you, but were really trying not to get our hopes up."
monica,and a lot could still get in our way.,chandler,"yeah. i mean, this girl could decide against adoption or she could like another couple better.."
phoebe,what are you gonna name the baby?,chandler,i can develop a condition in which i talk and talk and no one hears a word.
monica,oh my god. shes gonna pick us!,chandler,so were standing firm on the not getting our hopes up?
monica,"you know, i know that things could still go wrong but if they dont? if this works out, were gonna have a baby chandler, a baby!",chandler,"yes, but..."
monica,"oh my god, its gonna work! were gonna make it work! im gonna be a mummy and  youre gonna be a daddy! all right, ill see you suckers. im gonna get me... a baby! {she leaves)",chandler,"oh, screw it, im gonna be a daddy!!"
monica,"ok, thank you. uh, well this is it. are you ok?",chandler,"yeah. just weird, you know. its like: hi, im chandler. may i have the human growing inside you?"
monica,"uh, were gonna be great.",chandler,youre gonna be great.
erica,hi...,chandler,thank you so much for agreeing to see us.
agency guy,ill let you get acquainted.,chandler,ok.
erica,"so, its monica and chandler. i only know you as file 0w33815-d.",chandler,thats what our friends call us.
erica,"youre kidding me? i mean, its enough that you are a doctor. but on top of it, youre married to a reverend?",chandler,i dont think thats exactly...
rachel,why do men keep talking to me like this?,chandler,"so, the fact that i am a doctor, and my wife’s a reverend, that’s important to you?"
monica,amen.,chandler,plus i thought the baby would be in good hands with a doctor!
erica,wow.,chandler,"yeah, wow."
erica,being a doctor must take up a lot of time.,chandler,no-ot for me it doesn’t.
agency guy,do you have any question for erica?,chandler,"yeah, actually. so, you read a file that you liked and you gave the agency the serial number and they contacted us?"
agency guy,"yes, our system assures total anonimity. we’re very proud of it.",chandler,you should be. you’re really on top of stuff..
monica,"oh my god, this is great! this is so great! . did you hear that?",chandler,"yeah, i did."
ross,"youre just jealous because you couldnt pull this off. yeah, now if youll excuse me  i have a date.  see?  all eyes on me!",chandler,we are not signing those papers.
monica,why not?,chandler,its wrong. they made a mistake. they think were somebody else.
monica,god works in mysterious ways.,chandler,you have gotta stop!
monica,but she liked us.,chandler,she likes doctor chandler and reverend monica.
monica,"well, if you think about it, i am kind of like a reverend. i mean, as a chef, i serve god, by feeing the hungry and poor.",chandler,"your veal chop is $34,95!"
monica,"cmon chandler, i think we have been given an opportunity. i mean, the mistake has already been made. they are writing up the paper right now.",chandler,but we are not the one she chose! how can you feel okay about this?
monica,because... we may not be who she thinks we are but no-one will ever love that baby more than us.,chandler,i know..
monica,"i mean, who knows how long its gonna take for someone else to give us a baby? what if, what if no one ever picks us?",chandler,"oh, honey.."
monica,"please.. please, we are so close.",chandler,"monica, i want a baby too, but this woman is giving away her child. she deserves to know who its going to."
monica,"okay, right.",chandler,"so, well tell the truth and who knows, maybe shell like us for us."
monica,maybe she will. uh! why couldnt i have been a reverend?,chandler,youre jewish.
adoption agency guy,hey.,chandler,hey.
agency guy,i dont understand.,chandler,the agency must have made some mistake. my wife is not a reverend and im not a doctor.
agency guy,thats impossible.,chandler,i could perform an operation on you and prove it if youd like.
erica,so who are you?,chandler,"well, our names really are monica and chandler. were from new york."
erica,i dont want to look at your file! this is over.,chandler,erica wait!
erica,ive nothing to say to you.,chandler,you have every reason to be upset. we did lie. but only because weve been waiting and trying to have a baby for so long. now we dont know how long its gonna be before we can get another chance again.
erica,why dont you ask the reverend to pray on it?,chandler,"erica, please. just consider us. ask them to see our file. our last names bing. my wifes a chef and im in advertising."
erica,"oh yeah. i actually liked you guys. but it doesnt matter, because what you did was wrong.",chandler,"but you did like us. and you should. my wifes an incredible woman. shes loving and devoted and caring. and dont tell her i said this but the womans always right... i love my wife more than anything in this world. and i... it kills me that i cant give her a baby... i really want a kid. and when that day finally comes, ill learn how to be a good dad. but my wife... shes already there. shes a mother... without a baby... please?"
monica,so sexy.  honey.,chandler,yea yea.
monica,honey why don’t you go lie down.,chandler,"no, no, ross and rachel will be back soon and then i gotta go to the office  am i producing them?"
joey,why’re you so tired?,chandler,"couldn’t sleep last night you know, then i started worrying about this big divisional meeting that i have later today, the more i worried about it the more i couldn’t sleep. y’know? i was like, if i fall asleep now i’ll get six hours sleep, but if i fall asleep now i’ll get five hours sleep. not matter what i did i couldn’t fall asleep."
joey,"see this is what i was afraid of, i didn’t think i should be here either but somebody  said he’d be over it by now.",chandler,"hey, what do i know? i wanted to get a bigger gorilla."
ms. mckenna,"boston is down, atlanta is down, houston is down, i could go on and on but instead of boring you i’ll go straight to my forty two point plan.",chandler,walter .
ms. mckenna,"ok if everyone’s on board, it’s settled, chandler,  chandler?",chandler,yep.
ms. mckenna,are you on board?,chandler,yes.
phoebe,"alright you guys, we can’t turn on each other, okay? that’s just what she wants.",chandler,hey.
monica,hey.,chandler,monica can i talk to you outside for a minute?
phoebe,oh i’m kinda part of this.,chandler,actually pheebs its more of a husband and wife kinda thing
monica,okay what’s up,chandler,"umm, you know how we always said that it would be fun to move to paris for a year? you know, you could study french cooking and i could write and we could take a picnic along the seine and go wine tasting in bordeaux?"
monica,oh yeah .,chandler,"okay, you know how that people say that tulsa is the paris of oklahoma?"
monica,what? who says that?,chandler,people who’ve never ever been to paris.
monica,what’s going on?,chandler,we’re moving to tulsa!
monica,excuse me?,chandler,"okay, ms. mckenna, she kind of works above my boss, she asked me to move to tulsa and be the president of our office there, and i was sleeping and apparently, said yes."
monica,"tulsa, oklahoma!",chandler,"the sooner state, whatever that is."
monica,"chandler, i don’t even wanna see the musical oklahoma!",chandler,really? oh what a beautiful morning! surrey with a fringe on top.
monica,"are you trying to tell me that we’re moving to oklahoma, or that you’re gay? all right, not that this matters, but did they at least offer you a huge raise?",chandler,"no, no, but they are going to lease us a ford focus.  i’ll get out of it."
monica,thank you.,chandler,what is wrong with emma?
monica,"oh she misunderstood, she thought she was moving to tulsa.",chandler,"umm ma’am, do you have a minute? i kind of have some bad news. i don’t think i can move to tulsa."
ms. mckenna,what?,chandler,"it’s a funny story, actually.  i kind of fell asleep in the meeting this morning so when i said i’d move to tulsa, i didn’t really know what i was saying."
ms. mckenna,you fell asleep?,chandler,"but only because i was up all night worried about this meeting, ain’t that funny? irony? not a fan, alright . see, here’s the thing. i went home and told my wife about tulsa and she won’t go. see, me, i love tulsa! tulsa is heaven! tulsa is italy—please don’t make me go there!"
ms. mckenna,"chandler, i…",chandler,"no no no! look, carol, can i call you carol?  wh-why would i when your name is elaine? oh what a great picture of your son, strapping!  that’s a picture of your daughter, isn’t it, well she’s lovely. i like a girl with a strong jaw. i’ll call you from tulsa."
rachel,you know the book says that whenever she’s sleeping i should be sleeping so…,chandler,hey!
monica,shhh! we just got her to go to sleep,chandler,oh so there can’t be any yelling.
monica,no.,chandler,we’re moving to tulsa
monica,what!?,chandler,"shhhh! shhhhh! shhhhh! shhhhh!  i can’t, i can’t hear you."
joey,"you know, ah, i’ve been thinking about this and i gotta tell ya, it’s not my fault. it’s a natural instinct.",chandler,"hey, what you guys talking about?"
ross,"hey, i thought id end up kissing charlie too ok? but surprise!",chandler,"i missed most of the party  charlies a girl, right?"
ross,ok.,chandler,"so, a professor, uh?"
monica,hey honey! i missed you today!,chandler,"oh, yeah?"
monica,yeah.  what dyou wanna do tonight?,chandler,"oh, well... maybe we could..."
monica,"ok, trying to turn me on by making a mess? know your audience! besides, tomorrow were doing those fertility tests and until then you need to keep your tadpoles in the tank.",chandler,we really need to take those tests?
monica,"honey, weve been trying to have a baby for over a year. i think its a good idea to find out if everythings ok. just a few routine tests.",chandler,but i dont wanna do it in a cup!
monica,what is the big deal?,chandler,its weird! in a doctors office?
monica,its not ok to do it in a doctors office but it is ok to do it in a parked car behind a taco bell?,chandler,"i cannot believe ross told you that! and in my defense, it was a wendys!"
monica,"look, i dont wanna do this test either, but i really do think its a good idea!",chandler,"yeah, ok. im sure that doctors office cant be worst than on a class trip to the hersheys factory!"
monica,oh!,chandler,"oh, yeah! rachel talks too!"
joey,"whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! so, i walk in the door and make the right",chandler,i have a weird feeling about this place.  how do i know that they are not gonna secretly videotape me and put it all over the internet.
nurse,mr. bing?  here you are! youll go into that room and deposit your specimen into the container.,chandler,"deposit my specimen? you know, usually i have to call a  900 number for that kind of talk. thanks, got it."
monica,"hey, honey, my test is down the hall, are you sure youre going to be ok?",chandler,"yeah, i guess!"
janice,oh my god!!,chandler,"oh, come on!"
monica,"hey, were probably fertile, lets go home!",chandler,why are you here?
janice,"well, sid and i are trying again and we had trouble last time because apparently we...",chandler,"no no no... i mean, why? why is she here??"
janice,oh! someones a little cranky today cuz they have to do it in a cup!  oh! they gave you the kiddy size .,chandler,what!?
monica,this was fun! but ive got an invasive vaginal exam to get to!,chandler,"id love to stay, but i have eh...  got a hot date..."
janice,please... go!  just let me know if you need a hand!,chandler,i think it just fell off.
ross,no!,chandler,my specimen is in the room and i just want to thank whoever knocked on the door while i was in there. really helped speed the process along!  janice! youre not... gone?
janice,oh! sid is still in his room. i dont allow porn at home so this is like a vacation for him. so did you do it? did you make your deposit?,chandler,yeah! yeah... the hard part is over!
janice,"thats not the hard part honey! the hard part is what comes next, i mean arent you worried about the results?",chandler,i havent... i havent even thought about the results yet... i just assumed that everything was gonna be ok.
janice,"oh! well, you know what? it probably is.",chandler,"yeah, but what if its not? what if there is a reason why we cant have a baby?"
janice,"oh, chandler, look. you and monica are meant to have children. i am sure its gonna be just fine.",chandler,"oh, oh, yeah, ok, thanks. i cant believe i didnt even think of that. i guess i was just so worried about having to... come here and do... that..."
janice,"what, you can do it in the parking lot of a taco bell, but you cant do it at a doctors office?",chandler,it was a wendys!!
joey,"although some of that stuff wasnt where you said it was gonna be, but...  i made it work.",chandler,it is not okay that im aroused by this now.
monica,hey sweetie.,chandler,doctor connelly just called.
monica,"with good news?  of course it is not good news, you just said  doctor connelly just called. if it was good news you would have said  doctor connelly just called!  but so what is it? is there a problem, uh? is there a problem with me or with you?",chandler,actually its both of us.
monica,what?,chandler,apparently my sperm have low motility and you have an inhospitable environment.
monica,oh... what does that mean?,chandler,it means that my guys wont get off their barcaloungers and you have a uterus that is prepared to kill the ones that do.  it means...
monica,chandler?,chandler,"it means that we can keep trying, but theres a good chance this may never happen for us."
monica,oh my god!,chandler,im sorry.
monica,im sorry too.,chandler,"well, were gonna... were gonna figure this out."
phoebe,"are you ready for your scottish massage? put your face in the hole, lassy.",chandler,"let me ask you, why is everybody using these tiny lights nowadays? i remember when people used to use big lights."
phoebe,that is nice and we’re done. tada!,chandler,"i dunno what it is, it just doesn’t quite feel like christmas to me."
monica,"oh, here.",chandler,see now it feels like christmas!
joey,hey you guys.,chandler,hey joe what’s up?
joey,"i had to get out of the apartment. janine is like stretching all over the place. y’know, everywhere i look she’s like…",chandler,i can see why that’s hard to resist.
joey,i know. and she’s so sweet. i just wanna feed her grapes and brush her hair.,chandler,"you are aware that she’s not a monkey, right?"
monica,oh my god! we love that show! i mean ross and i have been watching it since i can remember!,chandler,"ah, you’re still just a little fat girl inside aren’t you?"
monica,we are there!,chandler,"what, what are you laughing at?"
joey,did she just ask me out on a date?,chandler,i don’t think so.
monica,oh my god!,chandler,oh my god!
rachel,"okay, you look in the kitchen, i will look in the back closet.",chandler,"i can save you time ladies, i’m right here."
rachel,we are looking for our christmas presents from monica.,chandler,what? that’s terrible!
phoebe,"no-no, we do it every year!",chandler,"oh well, that makes it not terrible."
rachel,"don’t worry, we’re just gonna search here for an hour, them we’re gonna go over to joey’s and search, ok?",chandler,"no not okay, you can’t look for monica’s presents!"
phoebe,but we have to!,chandler,"no, you don’t have to, and you can’t because i live here too."
phoebe,"well then, you should look with us.",chandler,why?
rachel,"chandler, aren’t you worried about what to get monica for christmas?",chandler,"no, i have a great idea for a present for her."
rachel,"chandler, that’s not enough. i mean what if she gets you a great present, two medium presents, and a bunch of little presents? and you’ve just gotten her one great present? i mean that’s just gonna make her feel bad. why would you do that to her chandler? why? why?",chandler,"if i help, we can find ‘em faster!"
rachel,we are so gonna find them this year.,chandler,"y’know when you guys said you were gonna go across the hall and look, you don’t, you don’t do that every year do you?"
rachel,yeah.,chandler,"you don’t, like go into the back of my closet, and look under my gym bag or anything?"
phoebe and rachel,"no, we never do that",chandler,"because that’s where joey gave me some stuff to store that i’ve never seen before in my life! okay, that did not just happen!"
director,"really, y’think so? i don’t..",chandler,"i couldnt find anything at joey--hey-hey, oh hey!"
phoebe,"yeah, and you have nothing to worry about cos theyre all crap!",chandler,"those are my gifts, i got them for you."
rachel,"well chandler, what is this very weird, metal a z thing?",chandler,those are book ends! thats a great gift!
rachel,ha!,chandler,"make sure you put all that stuff back in the closet, okay?"
phoebe,hey! look who i found!,chandler,"oh, hey guys!"
phoebe,"y’know, birds have a very good sense of direction, and i thought maybe they could help us find where the presents are hidden.",chandler,"yes, if the presents are hidden south for the winter."
phoebe,"or we could just follow your clever jokes – any ideas? no! didn’t think so! okay, c’mon guys, show us where the presents are!",chandler,"oh, the duck seems to think that monica got me garbage! hmm, i wonder what i could get monica that’s as good as garbage?"
phoebe,"no, don’t look directly at them!",chandler,what?
phoebe,"oh, this one’s for chandler. here.",chandler,oh great!
rachel,"ooh, let’s open them!",chandler,okay! okay! okay!
phoebe,hee hee!,chandler,"wait, we can’t do this."
phoebe and rachel,why?,chandler,"i don’t wanna know what monica got me. y’know? i mean, look, i’m sure she worked really hard at getting you a present, and wanting to surprise me, and you guys are gonna ruin that, and i, look we have to put these back, this is not what christmas is about."
rachel,"whatever linus, i’m opening mine.",chandler,"nobody is opening anything ok? look, i don’t know about you guys, but i wanna see the look on monica’s face when i give her my present, and i’m sure she wants to see the look on my face when i get mine. so please, please, can we just, can we put them back?"
phoebe,will you get us better gifts?,chandler,fine!
monica,"hey guys! you found the presents? chandler, you let them find the presents? great! do you know how long it took me to find you that water purifier?",chandler,that’s what you got me?
monica,i can’t do it!,chandler,"now you do that, you’re on tv."
rachel,"ooh! look! look! look! look, theres joeys picture! this is so exciting!",chandler,"you can always spot someone whos never seen one of his plays before. notice, no fear, no sense of impending doom..."
monica,"did anybody else feel they just wanted to peel the skin off their body, to have something else to do?",chandler,"ross, ten oclock."
ross,is it? feels like two.,chandler,"no, ten oclock."
ross,what?,chandler,"theres a beautiful woman at eight, nine, ten oclock!"
ross,oh. hel-lo!,chandler,"shes amazing! she makes the women that i dream about look like short, fat, bald men!"
monica,"well, go over to her! shes not with anyone.",chandler,"oh yeah, and what would my opening line be? excuse me. blarrglarrghh."
rachel,"oh, cmon. shes a person, you can do it!",chandler,"oh please, could she be more out of my league? ross, back me up here."
ross,he could never get a woman like that in a million years.,chandler,"thank you, buddy."
monica,you could do that!,chandler,ythink?
all,yeah!,chandler,"oh god, i cant believe im even considering this... im very very aware of my tongue..."
ross,cmon! cmon!,chandler,here goes.
aurora,...yes?,chandler,"hi.... um... okay, next word... would be... chandler! chandler is my name, and, uh......hi."
aurora,"yes, you said that.",chandler,"yes, yes i did, but what i didnt say was what i was about to say, what i wanted to say was, uh... would you like to go out with me sometime, thankyou, goodnight."
all,saw your head. saw your head.,chandler,"she said yes!! she said yes!!  awful play, man. whoah.  her names aurora, and shes italian, and she pronounces my name chand-lrr. chand-lrr. i think i like it better that way.  oh, listen, the usher gave me this to give to you."
phoebe,based on this play? ...based on this play!,chandler,"hey, kids."
phoebe,"no, cause this line is passion, and this is... just a line.",chandler,"well, i cant believe ive been here almost seven seconds and you havent asked me how my date went."
monica,"oh, right, right. how was your date, chand-lrr?",chandler,it was unbelievable. i-ive never met anyone like her. shes had the most amazing life! she was in the israeli army...
aurora,"...luckily none of the bullets hit the engine block. so, we made it to the border, but just barely, and i- ...ive been talking about myself all night long, im sorry. what about you? tell me one of your stories.",chandler,"alright. once i got on the subway, right, and it was at night, and i rode it all the way to brooklyn... just for the hell of it."
aurora,...all of a sudden we realised we were in yammon.,chandler,"oh, im sorry, so we is?"
joey,whos rick?,chandler,whos rick?
all,ooooohhh.,chandler,"oh, so youre divorced?"
aurora,no.,chandler,"oh, im sorry, then youre widowed?...hopefully?"
aurora,"no, im still married.",chandler,"so tell me, how do- how do you think your husband would feel about you sitting here with me?...sliding your foot so far up my pant leg you can count the change in my pocket?"
aurora,"dont worry. i imagine hed be okay with you because really, hes okay with ethan.",chandler,"ethan? theres, theres an ethan?"
all,what?!,chandler,"so explain something to me here, uh, what kind of a relationship do you imagine us having if you already have a husband and a boyfriend?"
aurora,i suppose mainly sexual.,chandler,...hm.
monica,oh. im sorry it didnt work out.,chandler,what not work out? im seeing her again on thursday. didnt you listen to the story?
monica,"didnt you listen to the story? i mean, this is twisted! how could you get involved with a woman like this?",chandler,"well, yknow, i had some trouble with it at first too, but the way i"
rachel,tah-daaah!,chandler,are we greeting each other this way now? cause i like that.
phoebe,i cant believe you tried to move the green ottoman.,chandler,"thank god you didnt try to fan out the magazines. i mean, shell scratch your eyes right out."
monica,why would someone do that?! ...one might wonder.,chandler,"someones left a glass on the coffee table. theres no coaster. its a cold drink, its a hot day. little beads of condensation are inching their way closer and closer to the surface of the wood..."
joey,"cmon, you guys. this is a real movie, and al pacinos in it, and thats big!",chandler,"oh no, its terrific, its... its... yknow, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, youve finally been able to crack your way into showbusiness."
joey,thank you!,chandler,wheres joey? his moms on the phone.
monica,hes in the bathroom. i dont think you wanna go in there!,chandler,"cmon, were roommates!  my eyes!! my eyes!!"
rachel,who is being loud?,chandler,"oh, that would be monica. hey, listen, i wanna borrow a coupla things, aurora spent the night, i really wanna make her breakfast."
monica,"oh, you got the whole night, huh?",chandler,"yeah, well, i only have twenty minutes until ethan, so, yknow.."
rachel,"ooh, do i sense a little bit of resentment?",chandler,"no, no resentment, believe me, its worth it. kay? yknow in a relationship you have these key moments that you know youll remember for the rest of your life? well, every- single- second is like that with aurora.. and ive just wasted about thirty-five of them talking to you people, so, uh.. monica, can you help me with the door?"
joey,i was going for quiet desperation. but if you have to ask...,chandler,"god, i love these fingers..."
aurora,thank you.,chandler,"no, actually i meant my fingers. look at em, look at how happy they are."
aurora,"oh my god, im late.",chandler,"oh no nonononononnononono, dont go.."
aurora,okay.,chandler,dont go.
aurora,"okay. oh no, i have to.",chandler,"too bad, shes leaving."
aurora,im sorry. hell be waiting for me.,chandler,"well, i thought- i thought you talked to rick."
aurora,its not rick.,chandler,"what, ethan? he got to spend the whole day with you!"
aurora,"no, its-its andrew.",chandler,"i know therell be many moments in the years to come when ill regret asking the following question, but- and andrew is?"
aurora,hes... new.,chandler,"oh, so what youre saying is youre not completely fulfilled by rick, ethan and myself?"
aurora,"no, thats not exactly what i was..",chandler,"well, yknow, most women would kill for three guys like us."
aurora,so what do you want?,chandler,you.
aurora,you have me!,chandler,"nono, just you."
aurora,whaddyou mean?,chandler,lose the other guys.
aurora,"...like, ...all of them?",chandler,"cmon, were great together, why not?"
aurora,"why cant we just have what we have now? why cant we just talk, and laugh, and make love, without feeling obligated to one another... and up until tonight i thought thats what you wanted too.",chandler,"...well, yknow, part of me wants that, but its like im two guys, yknow? i mean, one guys going shut up! this is great! but theres this other guy. actually its the same guy that wells up every time that grinchs heart grows three sizes and breaks that measuring device... and hes saying, yknow, this is too hard! get out! get out!"
aurora,so... which one of the two guys will you listen to?,chandler,"i dont know, i-i have to listen to both of them, they dont exactly let each other finish..."
aurora,which one?,chandler,...the second guy.
aurora,"well, call me if you change your mind.",chandler,"sorry, the first guy runs the lips."
ross,"no? what happened, big guy?",chandler,big guy?
joey,my mom will.,chandler,something so sweet and...disturbing about that.
monica,"hey hon, could you help me get the plates down?",chandler,"yeah. hey, heres an idea, why dont we use our wedding china today?"
monica,"no, i think we should save our china for something really special. like if the queen of england comes over.",chandler,"honey, she keeps canceling on us, take the hint."
monica,"what if something gets broken, theyre so expensive.",chandler,what is the point of having them if we never use them?
monica,"ok, but if something gets broken, and then the queen comes over..",chandler,i will explain it to her.
tv announcer,"next up is a marching band from muskogee, ok.",chandler,muskogee! thats like four hours from tulsa. woo hoo!
joey,oh my god!,chandler,arent you one of the stars of the popular daytime soap days of our lives?
joey,yeah! i totally forgot im supposed to be there. i cant believe i forgot. i usually write stuff like this on my arm. <chandler grabs joeys left arm and pushes the sleeve up> <joey looks> oh! stupid long sleeves.,chandler,what are you going to do?
they sat us all down yesterday and said everyone has to be there at 6,"00 am sharp, that means you tribbiani. like.. like i was some kind of idiot.",chandler,well you proved them wrong.
monica,careful. <hands chandler a china plate> careful. careful! <chandler is startled and nearly drops the plates.> sorry.,chandler,"ill tell you what, for the rest of our lives, ill be careful until told otherwise. <looks at china> hey wait a minute this isnt the china we picked out.."
monica,"i know, after you left the store, i chose different ones.",chandler,why?
monica,"well no offense honey, but your taste is a little feminine for me.",chandler,"oh suddenly, flowers are feminine? < phoebe comes in>"
ross,"well we havent offically asked them yet, but we would want monica and chandler.",chandler,i cant believe youd want us to raise emma.
amy,connected? i mean.. to what? shes.. shes a lump.,chandler,"you know, guys i got to say. this means so much to me. that you would trust me with your child. i mean, we all know that monica and i have been trying to have a baby of our own. you know ive had my doubts about my skills as a father, but that you two.. that you two.... <starts to cry>"
amy,"okay, how about this, you guys die and the crazy plate lady dies, then do i get the baby?",chandler,"no, if crazy plate lad.. <sees monica frustrated at this comment> if monica dies then i would get emma, right? <ross and rachel pause and ponder this>"
rachel,well actually...,chandler,actually what?
ross,"well.. its just. its just in that case, then um. emma would go to my parents.",chandler,what?
joey raises his hand,uh.. who has to die for me to get her? <everyone is looking around and at joey with looks of what? on their faces> commercial break.,chandler,"so if monicas not around, then im not good enough to raise emma?"
joey,yeah hes lying. he looked down. <joey looks to phoebe and she nods in agreement>,chandler,well what is wrong with me? am i .. am i incomptent? because i managed to survive whatever it is that killed the three of you!
phoebe while cutting a sweet potatoe in the air,no youre all about the fun.,chandler,"look, i may not know a lot about babies, but do you really think im not capable?"
ross,"no, you both are equally capable. its just.. youre strongest when.. when youre together.",chandler,ok. so if we both had emma and i die <knocks on table> shed have to give her up.
joey,"i lie better then that, right?",chandler,"so.. let me get this straight. so my two friends die, i get emma. then my wife dies, then emma the one tiny ray of hope left in my life gets taken away from me?"
monica,hey. there you are. you disappeared after dinner.,chandler,oh? did somebody miss me? is there a child to raise poorly?
monica,ross and rachel dont know what theyre talking about. i mean its not like their so responsible. emma is a product of a bottle of merlot and a five year old condom.,chandler,"yeah but theyre right. i mean, im not a strong father figure and i never will be."
monica,no you learn these things. you grow into it.,chandler,"yeah, but its not who i am. everything they said was exaclty why i was worried about having a kid. and its true. and look everybody knows it."
monica,i dont know it! i want to have a kid with you because i think youre going to be an amazing dad... at the fun parts and the hard parts.,chandler,"oh yeah, well can you picture me saying go to your room! youre grounded?"
monica,can you hear me say youre grounded?,chandler,you said that to me last week.
ross,"hey dude, you okay? sorry about before.",chandler,"oh no thats okay, youre totally right. i dont know anything about disciplining a child. but it did hurt my feelings and i want you to know that when i die, you dont get joey. ross walks away with a face of yeah ok."
rachel,"ew! gross. <amy runs towards rachel and rachel puts her arm out, hand on amys head and amy starts trying to hit her but is missing, rachel is moving backwards towards the table when her hand swipes the one plate left on the table on to the floor> <everyone is shocked and monica faints and ross catches her>",chandler,"alright! that is it. this is our apartment and you can not behave this way. now if you cant act your age then you shouldnt be here at all. now those plates may not be as nice as the pretty pink ones i picked out, but theyre very important to monica. i want you to apologize to her right now."
rachel,"mon, im so sorry.",chandler,okay. thats better. now i want you to both apologize to each other and mean it.
amy and rachel at same time,sorry.,chandler,"by the way, that fight was totally arousing."
ross,"dude. well done. you know what? if i die, and rachel dies and monica dies then you can totally take care of emma.",chandler,oh yeah? well thanks.
ross,"so, so now do i get joey?",chandler,"okay, but you should know he eats five times a day and shoves pennies up his nose. <ross ponders that and walks away>"
rachel,she needs changing.,chandler,"oh no no no.. ill get her. im super-compentent and totally responsibile and fourth in line to raise emma. ill be right there emma. just let me get my trusty diaper bag here. <knocks over the box of china> well.. what do you know? i guess, ill be the one who dies first."
phoebe,"hey, does monica know about her broken plates yet?",chandler,nope...
phoebe,"broke them all, huh?",chandler,yep...
phoebe,you gonna tell her?,chandler,"nope...  hey... so im gonna... put the plates back. you know, i think you were right, i dont think we should use these plates again for a looong time."
monica,like only if the queen comes?,chandler,maybe not even then.
joey,"hey, you guys, what are you doing tomorrow night?",chandler,"well, let me see... i-i believe im... yes, falling asleep in front of the tv."
joey,"look, my agent hooked me up with six tickets to a great play.",chandler,i could fall asleep at a play.
joey,"i wish i could but i just found out that i have to be at work really early the next day, so i cant go, but, you know, take the extra ticket and invite whoever you want.",chandler,"uh, lets see, who do i hate?"
monica,hey!,chandler,hey!
ross,"hey, you guys wont believe what i have to do for work today.",chandler,"yes, but, ross you chose a career of talking about dinosaurs."
monica,is he gonna introduce us?,chandler,"no, i think were just blurry shapes to him now."
monica,oh my god! chandler!,chandler,where the hell is everybody?
bitter lady,"well, i bet you are all thinkin now would be a really great time for an intermission, huh?",chandler,"oh yes, god yes!!"
bitter lady,"well, youre not gonna get one! because in life there are no intermissions, people. chapter 7: divorce is a 4 letter word.  how could he leave me?!?!",chandler,i... i dont know... you seem lovely.
monica,"oh my god, honey, im so so so so so sorry.",chandler,well you should be. you missed the most powerful three hours in the history of the theater.
monica,you really liked it?,chandler,"oh yeah! i mean at first i hated it, but why wouldnt i, because as a man ive been trained  not to listen!  but after chapter 16: fat, single and ready to mingle, i was uplifted."
monica,oh really!,chandler,"oh yeah, i had no idea the amazing journey you go through as a woman! tell me, tell me about your first period!"
monica,no!,chandler,did somebody sign your bra?
phoebe,"hey, thank you so much for these tickets, chandler.",chandler,"oh well, this was a really important experience for me, and i wanted to share it with you."
bitter woman,why dont you like me! chapter one: my first period.,chandler,"cant believe you guys bought that, enjoy your slow death ."
joey,hey!! we are so in luck! treeger said that we could have all this cool stuff from the basement. wait right there.,chandler,"oh no-no-no, i’m, i’m paddling away!"
joey,huh?!,chandler,wow! really?! we get all this rusty crap for free?!
joey,"uh-huh. this and a bunch of bubble wrap. and, some of it is not even popped!",chandler,could we be more white trash?
joey,just pickle.,chandler,"hey uh, rach, funny story. i ah, bumped into joanna on the street yesterday."
rachel,"my boss, joanna? wow, that must’ve been awkward.",chandler,"well, no, actually she uh, asked me if i wanted to get a drink."
rachel,"you ah, you didn’t say ‘yes’ to that did you?",chandler,no. no!
joanna,"hello, rachel.",chandler,"well, not at first."
rachel,"i don’t understand! last time you went out with her you said she was a ‘big, dull dud.’",chandler,"well, i think i judged her too quickly, and this time we were able to take the relationship to the next level."
rachel,"well, last time i almost got fired. you must end it, you must end it now!",chandler,"oh, come on! it’s not like this is an everyday occurrence for me! i mean usually i’m pretty much just in there by myself."
rachel,"chandler!!  promise me, you will end it.",chandler,"okay, i promise, i’ll end it."
rachel,thank you.,chandler,"i hope you know what i’m giving up for ya, because she’s not just the boss in your office, if you know what i mean."
all,nooo!!,chandler,…it was like the algonquin kids table.
phoebe,"op, the ruined quiches are ready.",chandler,it just doesn’t…feel like we’re breaking up.
joanna,"no, we are. i’m sad.",chandler,"okay. (they start kissing again, but are interrupted by the phone."
joanna,"yes.  uh, can’t you wait until tomorrow?  all right.  unbelievable!!",chandler,thanks.
joanna,"no, no, that was my boss. i have to go.",chandler,okay.
joanna,what are you doing?,chandler,i’m getting dressed.
joanna,why?,chandler,when i walk outside naked people throw garbage at me.
joanna,wait. i wanna show you something.,chandler,what is it?
joanna,just a little gag gift somebody gave me.  put your hands together.,chandler,"ah-ha, you’re not the boss of me. yeah, you are!  ooh, saucy."
joanna,i’ll be back in ten minutes.,chandler,"you are, you’re gonna leave me like this?"
joanna,"knowing you’re here, waiting for me i think it’s kinda exciting.",chandler,"okay. but if you don’t come back soon,  there’s pretty much nothing i can do about it!"
sophie,yeah!,chandler,hi!  how are you? (rachel and sophie both back out and close the door without saying anything.
joanna,i’m really sorry but i may be a little while longer.,chandler,how little?!
joanna,"a couple of hours, i feel awful.",chandler,"look, this isn’t funny! you get back here right now!"
joanna,i can’t!!,chandler,why not?!
joanna,i’m in my boss’s car!,chandler,what?!
rachel,what?!,chandler,"rachel, could i see you for a moment?"
rachel,you promised you would break up with her!,chandler,"i did break up with her! she just took it really, really well!"
rachel,and the fact that you were jeopardising my career never entered your mind?!,chandler,"it did enter my mind! but then something happened that made it, shoot right out."
rachel,"yknow what chandler, you got yourself into those cuffs, you get yourself out of them.",chandler,"no-no-no-no-no-no-no!! i can’t get myself right out of them! you must have me confused with the amazing chandler!! come on, you have to unlock me, she could be gone for hours, and i’m cold, and"
rachel,"oh, chandler!! all right, this is it!  you never see joanna again!",chandler,never!
rachel,you never come into this office again!,chandler,fine!
rachel,you give me back my walkman!,chandler,i—never borrowed your walkman.
rachel,"well, then i lost it. you buy me one!",chandler,you got it! here we go! come on! this is great!  ahhh!
rachel,does it hurt?,chandler,"no, i just always see guys doing this when they get handcuffs taken off them.  hello sweet pants!"
rachel,wait a minute! what are you gonna tell joanna?,chandler,about what?
rachel,"when she sees that you’re gone, she’s gonna know that i let you out, and that i was in here, and i’m gonna get fired!",chandler,"i’ll make something up! i’m good at lying, i actually did borrow your walkman!"
rachel,"no, there’s nothing to make up, she’s gonna know that i have a key to her office, i’ve got to get you locked up back the way you were!",chandler,"oh-ho-ho, i don’t think so!"
rachel,"chandler! chandler, please, i have to get you locked up back the way you were, i am sooo gonna lose my job, she’s very private about her office. now i know why.",chandler,"hey, look, you’re in trouble either way! okay? if she comes back and sees me locked to this instead of the chair, she’s gonna know you were in here. so you might as well just let me go."
rachel,what if i clean your bathroom for a month?,chandler,it still wouldn’t be clean.  all i want is my freedom.
rachel,foot rubs for a month!,chandler,freedom!
rachel,i’ll take all of your photos and put them into photo albums!,chandler,"freedom! i want my freedom! why won’t you here me?!  sophie, help me! help me!!"
rachel,"no! god, would you just calm down!",chandler,i’m gonna say this for the last time. would you please just…
rachel,"i ah, will buy and wrap all of your christmas gifts.",chandler,no!
rachel,i ah… oh! i’ll squeeze you fresh orange juice every morning!,chandler,with extra pulp?
rachel,yeah!!,chandler,no!
rachel,d’oh!!  i’ve got it!,chandler,you don’t have it.
rachel,"i have so got it. there’s gonna be rumours about this, there’s no way to stop it. sophie knows, monica and phoebe know.",chandler,how do monica and phoebe know?
rachel,"oh, i called them. and when they ask me what i saw, i can be very generous  or very  stingy.",chandler,go on.
rachel,i can make you a legend. i can make you this generation’s milton berle.,chandler,and milton berle has a…
monica,"that really means a lot. oh, and mom, don’t bite your nails.",chandler,hello.
monica,"hello, chandler.",chandler,i love you.
phoebe,"oh. (she motions for them to come closer, they lean in and she whispers what rachel told joey: no he doesn’t!",chandler,"two hours, that lasted!"
rachel,so did you break up with joanna?,chandler,i think so.
ross,with such a sad history.,chandler,could there be more kims?
ross,what thats a real name!,chandler,"oklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plane, stop it! why couldnt they have sent me to texas? 7 o clock maybe ill hit the gym  who am i kidding pay-per-view porn. -cuts to monica"
monica,: is everything all right?,chandler,"everythings great, just watching some regular television there, what a pleasant surprise."
monica,: im gonna go freshen up ok,chandler,ok honey. that was close. -cut to rachel
ross,this is vicrum.,chandler,hi honey im home!
monica,": hi, how was your flight?",chandler,oh it was great.
monica,": here why dont you sit down, get yourself comfortable because i.  have a little surprise for you.",chandler,"well, well, well it must be five in tulsa because its six o clock in ny.c!"
monica,: ok  this is how much i love you.,chandler,honey why am i watching a bunch of sharks swimming around.
monica,: is this not the good part? do you want me to fast forward to something a little toothier.,chandler,no im not quite sure you got the right movie thats all.
monica,": oh well this is the only one they had at our video store, but they did have something called crocodile killers. or does it always have to be sharks?",chandler,does what always have to be sharks.
monica,": honey look we can do something else, do you want me to get into the tub and thrash.",chandler,whats going on?
monica,": sweetie its ok, i still love you, let me be a part of this.",chandler,let me be a part of this!
monica,: i saw what you were doing in tulsa. angry sharks turn you on!,chandler,no they dont
monica,: then why were you watching them and giving yourself a treat.,chandler,"oh my god! when you came in i switched the channel, i was just watching regular porn"
monica,: really?,chandler,yeah just some good old fashion girl on girl american action.
monica,: i cannot tell you how happy that makes me!,chandler,"you are an amazing wife.  no really youre amazing you were actually gonna do this for me, i mean where do you find the strength and understanding over something like that."
joey,your right! i love my life!  i actually did sleep with her.,chandler,"eh..., i don’t, i don’t know."
rachel,what?,chandler,"well, as old as he is in dog years, do you think snoopy should still be allowed to fly this thing?"
rachel,"eh, do you believe that?",chandler,yeah?
ross,"just admit it chandler, you have no backhand.",chandler,"excuse me little one, i have a very solid backhand."
ross,shielding your face and shrieking like a girl... is not a backhand.,chandler,i was shrieking... like a marine.
ross,i know. i feel horrible. okay.,chandler,says here that a muppet got whacked on seasame street last night.  where exactly were around ten-ish?
ross,"all right, see you guys.",chandler,"look out kids, he’s coming!"
phoebe,really?,chandler,"yes. yes, and ah, ah, the trees are happy too, because for most of them, it’s the only chance to see new york."
ross,"wait a minute, one box! come on, i’m trying to send a little girl to spacecamp, i’m putting you down for five boxes. chandler, what about you?",chandler,"ahh, do you have any coconut flavoured deities?"
rachel,"well, yeah! i’m still pursuing that.",chandler,"how... exactly are you pursuing that? yknow other than sending out resumes like what, two years ago?"
rachel,the fear?,chandler,"he’s right, if you quit this job, you then have motivation to go after a job you really want."
rachel,"well then how come you’re still at a job that you hate, i mean why don’t you quit and get ‘the fear’?",chandler,"because, i’m too afraid."
rachel,"i don’t know, i mean i would give anything to work for a designer, yknow, or a buyer.... oh, i just don’t want to be 30 and still work here.",chandler,"yeah, that’d be much worse than being 28, and still working here."
rachel,"gunther, i quit.",chandler,does this mean we’re gonna have to start paying for coffee?
ross,"....and 12, 22, 18, four...  what?",chandler,i spelled out boobies.
monica,oh god!,chandler,"so, how many have you sold so far?"
ross,check this out. five hundred and seventeen boxes!,chandler,"oh my god, how did you do that?"
ross,"well hey, who did these resumes for ya?",chandler,me! on my computer.
ross,well you sure used a large font.,chandler,"eh, yeah, well ah, waitress at a coffee shop and cheer squad co-captain only took up so much room."
rachel,hey-hey-hey that’s funny! your funny chandler! your a funny guy! you wanna know what else is really funny?!,chandler,something else i might have said?
rachel,"no, it’s not gonna be okay ross, tomorrow is my last day, and i don’t have a lead. okay, yknow what, i’m just gonna, i’m just gonna call gunther and i’m gonna tell him, i’m not quitting.",chandler,you-you-you don’t wanna give into the fear.
joey,hey! i got great news!,chandler,"run, joey! run for your life!"
ross,"um, that is because my doctor says that i have a very serious.... nuget.... diffency.",chandler,"tell us what happened, brown bird ross."
ross,"well, i lost. some little girl loaned her uniform to her nineteen year old sister, who went down to the u.s.s. nimitz, and sold over 2,000 boxes.",chandler,hey! how’d the interview go?
phoebe,this is the worst christmas ever.,chandler,"yknow what rach, maybe you should just, yknow stay here at the coffee house."
ross,that word was swans.,chandler,"well seeing that drunk santa wet himself, really perked up my christmas."
phoebe,"you saved them! you guys! oh god, you’re the best!",chandler,it’s like ‘night of the living dead christmas trees.’
rachel,"hello?  yeah, this is she.  oh! you’re kidding! you’re kidding!  oh thank you! i love you!",chandler,"sure, everybody loves a kidder."
rachel,here we go. i’m serving my last cup of coffee.  there you go.  enjoy.,chandler,should i tell her i ordered tea?
joey,"ten, ten.., nine, nine, nine...., eight, eight, eight...  okay, blast off!",chandler,i’m an alien. i’m an alien.
phoebe,"there it is! oh, look at that! isn’t mother nature amazing?",chandler,that’s a plane!
monica,"okay, we’ve been out here for two hours and we haven’t seen any stupid comets. can we go now? i mean, chandler’s getting chilly.",chandler,"no, i’m not!"
joey,then why are you wearing monica’s jacket?,chandler,because it’s flattering!  come on monica! come on monica!
joey,oh no! no! no!,chandler,monica!
monica,she’s sleeping.,chandler,"i know, just quick-quick question, quick question. which one was deep impact and which one was armageddon?"
monica,"deep impact was the one with robert duval, armageddon is what’s going to happen to you if you wake me up.",chandler,"sorry, i just…can’t sleep. ooh!  where is that book that you are reading with the two women who were ice-skating and wearing, wearing those hats with the flowers on it? because every time i look at that cover i’m like…"
monica,it is in the living room where there is also a light! and no one will kick you in the shin.,chandler,what?!  ow!
ross,"i know, i wasn’t finished.  but don’t worry! we’re gonna go down the fire escape!!",chandler,"shhhhhhhhh!!!  i’m sorry, i thought maybe i’d make some warm milk and it would help me sleep."
monica,with a wok?  i thought you were going to read my boring book to put you asleep.,chandler,it got interesting! damn you oprah!
monica,"here, let me make the milk, i’m up anyway.",chandler,"hey, y’know what we can do? y’know, now that we are up? we can just like talk to each other all night long, y’know like we did when we were first going out. it’d be fun!"
monica,okay that does sound like fun.,chandler,"okay, so how bummed were you when the second sister died huh?"
monica,the second sister dies?!,chandler,"no. no, i-i was, i was talking about the book i was reading."
monica,the second sister dies in archie and jughead double digest?,chandler,that’s correct.
monica,"okay, here’s your milk. what do you want to talk about?",chandler,what? what? what?
monica,are you still awake?,chandler,yeah! you?
monica,you do know that was me who just said that right?  hey. as long as we’re both up…,chandler,yeah?  i hope you’re not thinking about cleaning the living room.
monica,what?! what are you doing?!,chandler,do you know what just happened?
monica,yeah. we-we had sex and then we fell asleep.,chandler,no. we were in the middle of sex…and you fell asleep.
monica,"nooo! no, that’s not true. no, best time ever! yeah, you rocked me world!",chandler,monica?
monica,what?!,chandler,"i was giving you some of my best moves, and you missed it. so please wake up so we can do it right!"
monica,"okay. okay, i’m ready. come on big fella!",chandler,okay.
monica,give me the good stuff.,chandler,"yeah!  no! no! no! don’t fall asleep! okay, i am going to make you some coffee.  and i probably won’t spill coffee grounds all over the kitchen floor."
monica,that really was some of your best work.,chandler,"hm-hmm, i told you!  i can’t believe that i’ve only got two hours before i call in sick for work."
monica,i have to be up in seven minutes.,chandler,"well, you’re not gonna believe this, but if you have seven minutes…"
monica,really?!,chandler,do you wanna?
monica,you serious?!,chandler,that’s great!
joey,oh we kissed it up real nice.,chandler,"so you kissed her, so what happened after that?"
joey,i came over here to tell you guys.,chandler,so she’s just waiting over there for ya?
rachel,i know.,chandler,"oh hey rachel, sweetheart? you have got to tell the post office that you have moved. okay? we are still getting all your bills and stuff."
rachel,"oh-oh, pottery barn!  you can throw the rest away.",chandler,i’m not your garbage man. i’m your mailman.
rachel,yeah! it’s an apothecary table. does anyone even know what an apothecary is?,chandler,a pharmacist.
joey,i hate pottery barn too. they kicked me out of there just because i sat on a bed!,chandler,you took off your pants and climbed under the sheets!
joey,hey! i made that for her!,chandler,you made pottery?
rachel,"okay fine! i’ll-i’ll just tell her it’s an antique apothecary table, she doesn’t have to know where it came from. oh! look at this little drawers! oh look-look it says that it holds 300 cds.",chandler,"ahh, just like the apothecary tables of yore…"
monica,"i am so glad you guys got together, chandler and i are always looking for a couple to go out with and now we have one!",chandler,"look at us, we’re a couple of couples!"
joey,nope-op! i insist!  you get the wine right?,chandler,"yeah all right.  okay, good night guys."
monica,the dinner will be ready in twenty minutes. this is so exciting.,chandler,"and here is the bottle of wine for you to bring over tonight.  you were also going to buy monica flowers but you couldn’t afford it, because you paid dinner last night."
joey,"oh, she’s uh-uh really sick.",chandler,oh that’s too bad.
janine,bye.,chandler,"that’s funny, i saw no phlegm."
joey,"no-no, she really is sick!",chandler,then why-why is she going to a play?!
joey,"well uh, she didn’t want to hang out with you guys two nights in a row. i’m so sorry.",chandler,"well, why does she not want to hang out with us?!"
monica,what?!!  what?,chandler,so she was just pretending to have a good time last night? she was lying to our faces?!
monica,"ugh, i can not believe this! i mean, who is she to judge us? we could not have been nicer to her!",chandler,"and i am not blah, i am a hoot!"
joey,"i know! i know! come on, please-please you guys, don’t-don’t be mad. i’m sure she just, she just said that stuff because she was nervous and you guys are like my best friends! y’know? and it was our first date! plus, she’s really sick!",chandler,"no, you sh—no you said you made that up!!"
joey,"i know, but don’t you think the sick thing is way better than the play thing?",chandler,"eh, they’re both good. i generally just go with, monica’s drunk again."
monica,"of course we will, come on we gotta make dinner.",chandler,okay.
phoebe,"oh ross, calm down, i’ll give you the 80 cents.",chandler,"okay, one more time."
monica,"chandler, would you like some more orange juice?",chandler,perfect decibel.
joey,hey!,chandler,hey.
joey,"so uh, what are you guys doing?",chandler,"oh nothing, we’re just talking. y’know, blah-blah-blah."
janine,"well i did. i really did. and you guys, i’ve got to say, i’m sorry if i was a little weird after the last time we went out. i guess i was just nervous or something.",chandler,that’s totally understandable.
janine,so we can go out again?,chandler,oh yeah!
monica,"i knew it!! y’know, you’re not so quiet yourself, missy!",chandler,"and i’m blah? listen, the only thing more boring than watching modern dance is having to listen to you talk about it,  oh chandler, i just lost myself in the moment."
joey,all right! all right! enough! enough! enough!! enough!  you two go home! i-i-i gotta talk to janine!,chandler,y’know i think you can take her.
monica,you’d better run!,chandler,did you hear that?
joey,"yeah uh, what am i gonna do?",chandler,"yeah, i’m sorry man.  you wanna go watch?"
joey,how ya doin’?,chandler,"hey so, did uh, did she move out?"
joey,"well, when it’s not right, you know it.",chandler,you okay?
ross,"and thats why, no matter what mommy says, we really were on a break.  yes we were! yes we were!  come here gorgeous.  oh! look at you! you are the cutest little baby ever! youre just a... a little bitty baby, you know that? but youve got...  youve got big beautiful eyes... yes you do... and a... and a big round belly.  big baby butt! i like big butts.  i like big butts and i cannot lie / you other brothers cant deny / when a girl walks in with an itty, bitty, waist / and a round thing in your face you get... oh my god, emma... youre laughing! oh my god, youve never done that before, have you? you never done that before... daddy made you laugh, huh? well, daddy and sir mix alot... what? what? you... you wanna hear some more? uhm... my anaconda dont want none / unless you got buns hon...  im a terrible father!",chandler,hi!
joey,hey... hey listen... what do you guys know about investments?,chandler,how come?
joey,"well, i just tape it to the back of my toilet tank.  i didnt say that! its in a bank guarded by robots!",chandler,do you have any ideas?
monica,"oh, and you know whos selling a great apartment? richard!",chandler,"oh, and you know whose knowledge of her ex-boyfriend is shocking? monica!"
monica,my dad told me. they play golf together.,chandler,"oh, well... maybe ill join them some time. i just hope the club doesnt slip out of my hand and beat the moustache off his face."
joey,hi im joey. this is chandler.,chandler,so how come richards selling the place? went bankrupt? medical malpractice? choked on his own moustache?
catherine,"actually, he is buying a much bigger place. its got a great view of central pa.....",chandler,mmm thats enough about you!
catherine,"all the appliances are included. there is a lot of light, a new kitchen... i think you guys would be very happy here...",chandler,"no, no, no, no, no, no! no, no... were not together. were not a couple. were definately not a couple."
joey,"well, you seem pretty insulted by that. what? im not good enough for you?",chandler,"were not gonna have this conversation again... look at this place. why am i so intimidated by this guy? pretentious art, this huge macho couch. when we know all he does is sit around all day crying about losing monica to a real man!  you dont think hes here, do you?"
joey,"you know what it is? its a nice place but i gotta see i dont know if i see myself living here. oh, oh, oh, let me see...  yeah, i could see it.",chandler,"look at these videos. you know, i mean, who does he think he is? magnum force, dirty harry, cool hand luke... oh my god!"
joey,what?,chandler,theres a tape here with monicas name on it.
joey,ooh! a tape with a girls name on it. its probably a sex tape...  wait a minute... this says monica...  and this is richards apartment...,chandler,get there faster!
mike,awesome!,chandler,"im not gonna watch it... i dont need to watch it... i mean, what good could possibly come from watching?  well, we know im gonna watch it."
joey,"hey dude, whats up?",chandler,"dont judge me, im only human!"
joey,did you take that tape?,chandler,"i had to! okay, imagine you were married... and you found a tape of your wife in another guys apartment... wouldnt you need to know what was on it?"
joey,i dont know. whom im married to?,chandler,some girl...!?
joey,she hot?,chandler,yeah...!?
joey,how did she get me to settle down?,chandler,"allright, im gonna watch it... i mean look, its probably not even what i think it is... and even if it is... it cant possibly be as bad as what im picturing in my head...  can it?"
joey,"guess i dont know. my experience: if a girl says yes to being taped... she doesnt say no to much else, i tell ya...",chandler,then youre gonna have to watch it for me.
joey,what? whoo... what?,chandler,"just for a few seconds, so i can know what it is... please?"
joey,"all right, fine... but if i enjoy this, you have only yourself to blame...",chandler,why am i hearing cheering?
joey,"well its okay, its like... its just a football game.",chandler,football? just football?
joey,"yeah, see... you were all worried for nothing.",chandler,its football... its just football... this is great! this is the first time ive ever enjoyed football... it may be customary to get a beer...  what the...  what are you doing?
monica,so you stole that tape from richards apartment?,chandler,whoho ho... listen to the judgement from the porn star!
monica,why in the world would you take this tape and and why would you watch it?,chandler,"because thats who i am, okay? im sure a mature man like richard could see a tape like that and it wouldnt bother him. justd be another saucy anecdote for him to share at his mens club over brandy and moustaches."
monica,is all this about you not being able to grow a moustache?,chandler,this is about you and richard. hes clearly not over you. he keeps a tape so he can... look at it whenever he wants.
monica,"isnt that sad? i mean, can you see how pathetic that is? you shouldnt be jealous. you should feel bad for him.",chandler,"oh, yeah, well, poor richard. y... i can grow a moustache!"
monica,"chandler, this is not our problem. weve got each other. thats all that matters.",chandler,"yeah, oh, but i just keep picturing you rolling around with him with your cowboy boots in the air..."
monica,cowboy boots? ive never worn cowboy boots in my whole life!,chandler,"oh, good, good. play more, cause i wanna see how it ends."
monica,thats not me!,chandler,what...? thats not you! life is good again! ride em cowgirl!
monica,that bastard taped over me!,chandler,is that a problem?
phoebe,"we found your test in the trash, if you’re not pregnant——it’s because i am.",chandler,what?! what are you talking about?
monica,wait a minute! so you told people i was pregnant?!  does this look like a conversation that i want to remember?!,chandler,who’s the father?
monica,why?!,chandler,why not?
phoebe,"okay, okay. it’s james brolin. james brolin is the father of my baby.",chandler,as in barbara streisand’s husband james brolin?
phoebe,how about just the bridemaids?,chandler,y’know i am the groom right? i was told it was kinda big deal.
bandleader,"thank you very much! ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce to you for the very first time, mr. and mrs. chandler bing!",chandler,before we go out there i’ve got a present for ya.
monica,"honey, i’m going to put my hand in your pocket!",chandler,no?
monica,no.,chandler,i’ve been taking dancing lessons.
monica,what?!,chandler,"yeah, the last six weeks. i wanted this to be a moment you will never forget."
monica,oh that is so sweet!,chandler,so? would you care to join me in our first dance as husband and wife?
monica,what’s the matter?,chandler,"i don’t know, it’s these new shoes, they’re all slippery."
monica,"well, are you going to be able to do this?",chandler,not well.
dennis phillips,congratulations.,chandler,thank you.
mrs. bing,dennis is a dear old friend and a fantastic lover.,chandler,bravo dennis thanks for pleasing my mother so.
mrs. bing,"well, it’s a funny story.",chandler,funny: ha-ha or funny:
joey,"chandler. will you see if your mom can give my resume to dennis phillips? ‘cause if i can get in a broadway show then i would’ve done it all, film, television, and theater. the only think left would be radio, and that’s just for ugly people.",chandler,what size shoes do you wear?
joey,"uh, eleven, eleven and a half.",chandler,"great, because my shoes are giving me a little problem on the dance floor, can i borrow the boots from your costume?"
joey,"uh, i don’t even really know where i left those. sorry.",chandler,those aren’t eleven and a half.
ross,keep dancing.,chandler,and the world will never know.
joey,hey! did you talk to dennis about me yet?,chandler,"yes, i told him how talented you were. i told him all about days of our lives."
joey,no-no! no! no! you don’t tell a broadway guy that! now he just thinks i’m a soap actor.,chandler,but you’re not just a soap actor. you are a soap actor with freakishly tiny feet.
monica,"hey, are you ready to get back on the dance floor?",chandler,did it turn into sand?
monica,"ohh come on, i love this song! come on, you’ll be fine.",chandler,"no. no, i won’t. do you know why i took all those lessons? see, for the first time i didn’t want you to be embarrassed to be seen on the dance floor with some clumsy idiot."
mr. geller,"chandler, i’m gonna have you arrested.",chandler,why?
joey,"hey! you guys! check it out, check it out!  guess which job i got.",chandler,"i don’t know, but donald trump wants his blue blazer black."
ross,what?,chandler,blue blazer back. he-he wants it back.
rachel,but you-you said black. why would he want his blue blazer black?,chandler,"well, you-you know what i meant."
monica,"no, you messed it up. you’re stupid.",chandler,so what job did you get joe?
phoebe,"well, they said that i had to think about it first, but what is there to think about? i’m gonna be giving them the greatest gift you can possibly give.",chandler,you’re gonna be carrying their baby and give them a sony play station?
kathy,"umm,  i love this touchy. can i take it to work with me?",chandler,"oh, yeah, sure, it’s not mine anyway. it can with the pants."
rachel,you guys are really right…there aren’t you?,chandler,yes. right where?
monica,in the beginning where y’know it’s all sex and talking and sex and talking and…,chandler,"yeah, you-you gotta love the talking."
monica,and the sex?,chandler,"all right, we haven’t had sex yet. okay, what’s the big deal? y’know? this is special, and i want our love to grow until we move on to the next level."
rachel,why? just because you’re not mature enough to understand something like that?!,chandler,"no, he’s right, i’m totally lying."
monica,then what is it?,chandler,"well, kathy’s last boyfriend was joey."
ross,and you’re afraid you won’t be able to…fill his shoes.,chandler,"no, i’m afraid i won’t be able to make love as well as him."
ross,"yeah, i was going for the metaphor.",chandler,"yes, and i was saying the actual words."
monica,"so big deal, so joey’s had a lot of girlfriends, it doesn’t mean he’s great in bed.",chandler,"we share a wall! so either he’s great in bed, or she just likes to agree with him a lot."
monica,"sweetie, with you it’s gonna be different. the sex is gonna be great, ‘cause you-you guys are in love.",chandler,yeah?
monica,go on.,chandler,"all right, all right, i’ll go sleep with my girlfriend. but i’m just doing it for you guys."
rachel,"yeah, when we’re in the audience he doesn’t talk to us, but he does wave.",chandler,hi.
monica,hey!,chandler,why is phoebe singing to carl mulden?
monica,"so, did you do it?",chandler,"yes, yes, we had the sex."
monica,"uh-oh, it was bad?",chandler,"it was fine, y’know? but she didn’t agree with me as strongly as she agreed with joey. she was more like, i see you point, i’m all right with it."
rachel,"yeah, not girls anyway, guys agree  like that.",chandler,"look, you have to help me! okay? i mean, i know what to do with a woman, y’know, i know where everything goes, it’s always nice. but i need to know what makes it go from nice to, my god! somebody’s killing her in there!"
monica,"all right, i’m gonna show you something a lot of guys don’t know. rach, give me that pad, please?  all right. now…",chandler,"look, you don’t have to draw an actual wo—whoa! she’s hot!"
monica,"now everybody knows the basic erogenous zones.  you got one, two three, four , five, six, and seven!",chandler,there are seven?!
rachel,"let me see that.  oh, yeah.",chandler,that’s one?
monica,it’s kind of an important one!,chandler,"oh, y’know-y’know what, i was looking at it upside down."
monica,"now, most guys will hit uh, 1-2-3 and then go to 7 and set up camp.",chandler,that-that’s bad?
rachel,"well if you go to disneyland, you don’t spend the whole day on the materhorn.",chandler,well you might if it were anything like 7!
phoebe,"im fine, thanks.",chandler,"yeah, see, i cant pull of baby-doll can i?"
monica,no. i think we learned that from the sugarlips incident. im gonna get some tea.,chandler,okay.
phoebe,i cant believe this!,chandler,"right, because its fast. because, its so fast. its fast!"
monica,relax! its phoebe! not you!,chandler,"oh! good for you pheebs, way to go!"
phoebe,"no, i like him a lot but i dont think im ready for this!",chandler,"so, what are you gonna do?"
phoebe,i dont know. ill just handle it—ill ask you to talk to him!,chandler,me?! why me?
phoebe,"because you are so afraid of commitment! you talk to him, make him scared like you! make him a…man!",chandler,"ill try, but im not sure what good it would do, yknow? because im a lot less afraid of commitment than i used to be."
monica,that is so sweet!,chandler,"still terrified, ill take care of it. no problem."
ross,"i know!  dont switch hands, okay?",chandler,hey ladies! what are you in here for?
gary,"hey chandler, what are you doing here?",chandler,"gary, im here to report a crime."
gary,yeah?,chandler,it is a crime that you and i dont spend more time together.
gary,whats up?,chandler,"well, i heard that you thinking about asking phoebe to move in with you and i thought maybe, we should have a talk. man to uh, me."
gary,sure. okay.,chandler,"uh, are you crazy? are you insane? if you live with phoebe, you two are gonna be yknow, live-living together!"
gary,"yeah, i-i considered that. i just know it would make me happy.",chandler,you mean scared.
gary,"no, i mean happy.",chandler,scared? happy?
gary,"chandler, what-what are you doing?",chandler,"i am trying to open your eyes, my man! dont you see, if you lived with phoebe shes always gonna be there. youre gonna get home, shes there. you go to bed, shes there. you wake up and oh yes, shes there!"
gary,i know! i cant wait!,chandler,"were youre parents happy, or something?"
gary,"listen chandler, the way i see it is that i was lucky enough to find someone that i really love. i just—i wanna be around her as much as i can.",chandler,"wow, yknow when you say it, it doesnt sound so scary."
gary,"so you know what im talking about, right?",chandler,"yeah, i think i do! yknow what? you move in with her! you move in with her right now! maybe i should in with monica!"
gary,"no, its too soon for you guys.",chandler,"yeah, youre right about that."
rachel,"well, i was gonna let you play with it.",chandler,hi!
phoebe,"hmm, did you talk to gary about the moving in thing?",chandler,"yes i did, and i think you should do it."
phoebe,what?!,chandler,"hes a great guy, yknow? and he loves you a lot, you are a very lucky lady."
phoebe,you are useless! freaking out about commitment is the one thing you can do! the one thing! and you cant even do that right! god!,chandler,"i’m sorry.  if you ask me, id move in with him."
gary,hey chandler.,chandler,hey gar!
ross,monica! stop throwing it so hard! were on the same team!,chandler,four hours? you guys have been doing this for four hours?
joey,thats right baby.,chandler,"all right, let me in."
monica,no-no! dont do it! dont!,chandler,what?
joey,"oh yeah, thats right!",chandler,im not a dropper!
ross,"its really a uh-uh three person game, yknow?",chandler,its throwing and catching!
ross,all right.,chandler,oh! oh! thats so hard.
rachel,i tried! they wont take her back.,chandler,maybe thats because shes a minion of the anti-christ.
monica,"oh my god, the cats made my eyes water! dont-dont throw it to me! my visions been compromised!!  oh god! okay. okay. its okay. man, that was close.",chandler,"yeah, you almost overreacted to something."
monica,please! i made this game what it is.,chandler,not fun anymore?
all,what?!,chandler,"come on! garys such a great guy! whatever the problem is, you can work it out!"
phoebe,he shot a bird!,chandler,oh that is over!
monica,"okay! okay, lets race! first one there wins! ha-ha!",chandler,you guys wanna eat here?
rachel,"no, i meant with the dropper over here.",chandler,"yknow, how did i get this reputation as a dropper? okay? im anything but a dropper."
ross,hey!,chandler,hey!
ross,wow! you look nice. whats the occasion?,chandler,"monica and i are celebrating our ten-month anniversary, weve got reservations at ja george."
ross,wow! howd you get in there?,chandler,"made a few calls, pulled some strings, and they agreed to seat us at"
delivery girl,hi chandler!,chandler,hey caitlin! somebody got a haircut.
caitlin,"ugh, i hate it! i look like an 8-year-old boy.",chandler,"yeah, if that was true, gym class wouldve been a lot more interesting."
caitlin,"its uh, 27 dollars even.",chandler,"oh, okay.  here you go."
caitlin,"hey, wheres the chicken?",chandler,"oh, hes in the back. the duck pissed him off, said that eggs came first."
caitlin,great. ill see you later!,chandler,"okay, bye!"
ross,what the hell was that?!,chandler,what?
ross,"the flirting! arent you supposed to be going out with, i dont know hmm, lets say my sister?!",chandler,i was not flirting.
ross,it was totally flirting. somebody got a haircut,chandler,"okay first of all, the impression, uncanny. and second, that was not flirting, that was just casual conversation between two people. that is all."
ross,"yeah, right.",chandler,you wanna see flirting? ill show you flirting.
phoebe,dont get me started on that.,chandler,i was not flirting.
ross,chandler was hitting on the hot delivery girl!,chandler,"i was not and oh god, shh!"
ross,well…,chandler,is that what this is about? you like caitlin?
phoebe,this is so cool!,chandler,"so, joey on law & order, you must be very proud!"
joey,"chandler, she doesnt understand a word of english.",chandler,"im sorry, i thought you were joeys other grandmother.  ive done it again."
monica,hey! happy anniversary!,chandler,"happy anniversary, 10 months!"
monica,"so umm, when i was in the shower i was thinking about our first night in london…",chandler,"uhh, joeys grandmother is right there."
monica,is that the one that speaks english or the one that doesnt?,chandler,the one that doesnt.
monica,that was some hot love you gave me! im gonna go get ready.,chandler,"hey, why dont you wear those earrings i gave you?"
monica,thats a great idea! i was saving them for something special.,chandler,okay.
joey,"oh umm, my big scene is coming up. big scene coming up.",chandler,"if you said, big lima bean, bubbling up. would she understand the difference?"
caitlin,"yknow, all im looking for is the money.",chandler,here you go.  now stop bringing us pizzas you.
caitlin,im gonna try.,chandler,youre welcome.
ross,"you couldnt let me have her, could ya?!",chandler,what?
ross,chandler was totally flirting with the hot delivery girl!,chandler,thank you for that!  i was not flirting.
ross,really?!,chandler,really?!
monica,"its no big deal, i do it all the time.",chandler,"so umm, you-you flirt with guys all the time?"
monica,sure! it doesnt mean anything! just like i know it doesnt mean anything with you!,chandler,"okay, but there is a big difference. you are a lot hotter than i am."
monica,"chandler, this actually bothers you?",chandler,"yes, it does bother me! and i think it would bother a lot of people. rachel, when you were going out with ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other women?"
joey,"okay, everybody just keep smiling. itll kill my grandmother if she finds out.",chandler,"well, what is it?"
rachel,"joey, why dont you just tell her what happened? its not your fault.",chandler,"if we keep talking this way, arent we gonna freak her out soon?"
grandma tribbiani,"no, its sam waterston! crimes and misdemeanors, capricorn one.",chandler,"doesnt know, hello. but she knows capricorn one."
phoebe,ohh! i did not get that.,chandler,"so uh monica, do you, do you like the law & order?"
monica,"yeah, its good.",chandler,"see, im finding out all this stuff about you today, like you like the law & order and that you flirted with every guy in the tri-state area!"
monica,"chandler!  okay, let me get this straight, its okay for you to flirt, but not for me.",chandler,"oh, im so glad we cleared that up. look, im sorry, some things are different for men and for women."
monica,"go on, teach me something about men and women.",chandler,"okay, ive already taught you so much already, but whatever. see when you flirt with a guy you think, im just flirting, no big deal. but the guy is thinking, finally! somebody who wants to sleep with me!"
monica,no way!,chandler,its true.
monica,well thats pathetic!,chandler,again true.
monica,and this goes for all guys?,chandler,all guys that are awake. then we go to sleep and then all the guys from the other end of the world wake up and behave the exact same way.
grandma tribbiani,joey!,chandler,"uh, joey is gonna be right back. right back!  meanwhile, lets-lets-lets talk about you.  so, youre old and small."
ross,"oh, mine! mine! mine!  okay, here goes. prepare yourselves for some class a flirting.",chandler,"okay, hold on.  okay."
ross,gas? wow! intense.,chandler,"if this is the way all the gellers flirt, we dont have a problem."
ross,a lot of other gas smells…,chandler,oh the humanity.
ross,was i talking to her about gas?,chandler,more so than anything else.
joey,hey! is the show still on?,chandler,almost over man.
joey,look! oh!  is that the pope?!,chandler,why am i looking?
joey,thats right!,chandler,you couldnt have at least changed your shirt.
grandma tribbiani,"joey, bravo!",chandler,ground control to major tom! commencing countdown…engines…on!
phoebe,"oh, then no.",chandler,hey!
monica,hi!,chandler,you ready?
monica,yeah.,chandler,you look amazing. im the luckiest man in the world.
monica,"ohh, youre about to get a little luckier.",chandler,let me see the earrings.
monica,"oh, honey, the earrings…",chandler,they look great! does your boyfriend have the best taste or what?
monica,my boyfriend really does have good taste!,chandler,thanks for picking out the earrings man.
joey,can i see the comics?,chandler,this is the new york times.
monica,guys. i thought you were taking ross to the game?,chandler,we are. he’s meeting us here.
joey,"well ross was hangin’ out over at our place, rachel comes over to borrow some moisturiser from chandler....",chandler,"yeah y-you, how hard is it to say something? rachel came over to borrow something."
phoebe,"whoa!! he is soo unreasonable! god, although i think i understand what he means. oh my god, this is like 60 minutes, okay, when, when, at first you’re really mad at that pharmaceutical company for making the drug and then yknow you just feel bad for the people because they needed to make their hair grow.",chandler,"yknow what this is like? this is like when my parents got divorced. man, i hope ross doesn’t try to kidnap me after cub scouts."
joey,"oh, i had the opposite dream.",chandler,"yknow what maybe it’s gonna be okay, i mean it’s been a week."
rachel,is he here?,chandler,no.
rachel,"you guys are gonna love meee! okay, check it out, thursday night, five tickets, calvin klein lingerie show, and you guys are coming with me.  okay, i said that out loud right?",chandler,"yes, yes, it’s just that we ah, we kinda all ready, made plans with ross."
rachel,hm-mm.,chandler,"yeah, he’s really excited about it too, he even recorded show times on his answering machine."
monica,chandler!!,chandler,oh my god!
joey,you’re smoking again?!,chandler,"well, actually, yesterday i was smoking again. today, i’m, i’m smoking still."
phoebe,why would you start again after chewing all that quitting gum?,chandler,"look, i’m telling you this is just like my parents divorce, which is when i started smoking in the first place."
monica,weren’t you nine?!,chandler,"yeahhh. i’m tellin’ ya something, that ah, first smoke after nap time...."
phoebe,"him? him, ross?",chandler,"nope, hymn 253, his eyes are on the sparrow! when my parents got divorced is when i started using humour as a defence mechanism."
rachel,chandler! you’re smoking? what are you doing?!,chandler,"hey, shut up!! you’re not my real mom!!"
ross,"look, you guys i just wanna say, i really, really appreciate you spending this time with me. it’s been a pretty hard time right now, so i just wanna say thanks.",chandler,can somebody else hug him? i have to stay by the window.
ross,"pity food? yknow what that’s okay, all right, i don’t need any of you to stay, okay nobody stays.",chandler,"well, then, i might as well offer to stay."
monica,why? do you think he’s still mad at us?,chandler,well he’s probably mad after you called him this morning to borrow his goggles.
phoebe,chandler!!,chandler,what?
phoebe,what does the sign say?,chandler,beam me up jesus.
phoebe,"no, the ‘no smoking’ sign. there’s no smoking in my grandmother’s cab.",chandler,"okay, well, then, i-i have to go to the bathroom."
monica,no chandler no! no unscheduled stops. you can go when we stop for gas.,chandler,"oh, come on, there’s a rest stop right up there! come on, i really have to goooooooooo."
joey,"oh, now i have to go!!",chandler,"here we go. okay, brace yourselves."
phoebe,"no, yknow what don’t close it  ‘cause the... keys...are in there.",chandler,"oh, no-no-no-no-no-no!!"
joey,what’s going on?,chandler,my lighter’s in there!
joey,"relax okay, i-i-i can get this open. anybody have a coat hanger?",chandler,"oh i do! op, no, wait a minute, i took it out of my shirt when i put it on this morning."
rachel,"no, i stuff outside the bra.",chandler,"ladies, ladies, let’s just compromise okay? phoebe, rachel take off monica’s bra."
rachel,"chandler, what are you doing? there is a trash can right there.",chandler,"well, i thought if i littered, that crying indian might come by and save us."
joey,"thank you phoebe, that is very, very generous.",chandler,"okay, now let’s decide who has the nicest ass."
monica,chandler!!,chandler,at least let me smoke it to the good part.
joey,"oh yeah, smokey joe here got half way to the highway and collapsed.",chandler,i have the lung capacity of a two year old.
monica,then why are you smoking?,chandler,well it’s very unsettling.
joey,arrrghh!!,chandler,"oh no, now it’s not gonna make any sense!"
phoebe,"you guys, what, what do we do about ross who drove all the way up here? what do we do? just like send him back and we’re then gonna go skiing?",chandler,"oh, this is horrible, it’s just horrible."
ross,excuse me?,chandler,it’s horrible.
joey,"i-i can’t handle this, you guys.",chandler,"yknow what, i can handle it, handle’s my middle name. actually it’s the ah, middle part of my first name."
ross,"look both, joey and monica feel the same way that i do. no-no-no-no.",chandler,"guys, guys, guess who i am?!"
phoebe,okay!,chandler,i was being shelly winters from the poseidon adventure.
aired,16/1/2003,chandler,hey
joey,hey. so wheres mon?,chandler,"oh, shes at home, putting up decorations for rachels birthday party tonight."
joey,and youre not helping?,chandler,"i tried, but apparantly singing i will survive in a helium voice - not helping."
ross,yeah.,chandler,"yes, bravo on the hot nanny."
rachel,what? you really think shes hot?,chandler,are you kidding? if i wasnt married shed be rejecting me right now.
rachel,thank you!,chandler,now that rachels gone?
monica,would you stop staring at her?,chandler,i wasnt staring. i was leering.
ross,"yeah, obvious beautys the worst. you know, when its right there in your face. me, i like to have to work to find someone attractive. makes me feel like i earned it.",chandler,looks like joey is doing allright with her.
ross,whazzup??,chandler,"seriously dude, 3 years ago."
ross,"listen, can you do me a favor? im gonna be out today. can you just keep an eye on joey, make sure nothing happens between him and molly?",chandler,you dont trust him?
ross,"wh - no. some woman who sounded a lot like joey called earlier and asked for her daughter, the hot nanny.",chandler,"is this really your long term plan, for me to run interference? because i could get a job any day now."
ross,"you do appear right on the cusp of something. come on man, im sure hell lose interest in a week or two, but for now can you please just do this for me?",chandler,"allright, fine, but dont blame me if it doesnt work. because you know as well as i do that once joey sets his mind on something, more often than not, hes going to have sex with it."
ross,"well we gotta do something, ok? nannies like her dont grow on trees.",chandler,picturing that tree?
ross,"i am, yes.",chandler,"where you going, joe?"
joey,for a walk.,chandler,oh. you mind if i join you?
joey,"actually, that will be long. you know, i really need to organize my thoughts.",chandler,your thoughts? plural?
joey,"allright, fine, i only have one thought! its about the hot nanny, i gotta see her!",chandler,"im afraid i cant let you do that, joe."
joey,"now youre telling me i cant see her?? you guys are killing me! shes forbidden fruit! its like ... like shes the princess and im the stable boy ... why are you doing this, huh? did ross tell you not to let me go over there?",chandler,"yes, as a matter of fact he did, so i cant let you go."
joey,huh. interesting. now there are obstacles. hot nanny and me against the world. this is the kind of stuff great novels are made of.,chandler,great novels?
ross,where the hell are joey and molly? i asked you to watch them.,chandler,"im sorry, i got a little occupied."
ross,we have to stop them before something happens!,chandler,"right behind you, big guy!"
rachel,"see? why, gavin, why? right when im about to change my opinion of you, you go and you ...  and you do that ...",chandler,"first i was afraid, i was petrified"
phoebe,hey,chandler,hi
phoebe,"listen, i think ive left something here.",chandler,"oh, well someone left this . this is yours?"
phoebe,"no, but i like it. i think i left one of my rat babies.",chandler,"oh, uh, well, i havent seem it but if i do ill let you know."
phoebe,ooh-oh! someones wearing the same clothes they had on last night. someone get a little action?,chandler,"well, we havent exactly met, we just stayed up all night talking on the internet."
monica,"nooo! never! i mean, were living in the moment. god, it is so nice for once to not have to get all hung up on where is this going?",chandler,"well, i think you should seriously consider the marriage thing, give rachel another chance to dress up like princess bubble yum."
phoebe,"so hows your date with your cyberchick going. ooh, hey, what is all that .",chandler,"oh, its a website, its the, uh, the guggenheim museum. see, she likes art, and i like funny words."
joey,"man, i got this close to him  and monica kneed me in the back. whats going on?",chandler,all right.  my husband is sleeping with his secretary. shes married!
phoebe,"arent you gonna answer her, thats like the tenth bing-bong message she sent. she wants to know whats wrong?",chandler,"hey, look, phoebe i wanted to meet her in person too, okay, but shes married, she has a husband."
monica,"oh my god, i cant believe what im getting ready to say. i wanna have a baby, but i dont wanna have one with someone who doesnt really wanna have one.",chandler,"where is she, where is she?  oh, hey, i have a question, where is she?"
joey,"im gonna be in the waitin room, handing out cigars.",chandler,"yes, joeys made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the 50s."
rachel,"what, its ok when chandler does it?",chandler,you have to pick your moments.
ross,"susan wanted a chunky. were having a baby, ok, a baby, you dont stop for chunkys.",chandler,i used to have that bumper sticker.
monica,i want a baby.,chandler,"mmmm. not tonight, honey. i got an early day tomorrow."
monica,get up. come on. lets get some coffee.,chandler,"oh, ok, cause we never do that."
monica,no fair. i dont even have one. how come they get two?,chandler,youll get one.
monica,oh yeah? when?,chandler,"all right. ill tell you what. when were 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and i get together and have one?"
monica,why wont i be married when im 40?,chandler,"oh, no, no. i just meant hypothetically."
monica,"ok, hypothetically, why wont i be married when im 40?",chandler,"no, no, no."
monica,what is it? is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me?,chandler,"uh, uh."
monica,well?,chandler,dear god! this parachute is a knapsack!
rachel,"well, where is he? he is supposed to be here.  what if the baby needs him?",chandler,"rachel, what is the deal with you and doctors, anyway? was, like, your father a doctor?"
rachel,"yeah, why?",chandler,no reason.
monica,"now, mom, everythings going fine, really.  yeah, ross is great. hes uh, hes in a whole other place.  no, hes gone.  no no, you dont have to fly back, really.  what do you mean this might be your only chance?  would you stop? im only 26, im not even thinking about babies yet.",chandler,where have you been?
joey,"oh, just had a baby.",chandler,mazel tov!
joey,relax. youre only at nine centimeters. and the babys at zero station.,chandler,you are really frightening me.
all,good luck!,chandler,"let me ask you, do you have to be carols lesbian life partner?"
rachel,"oh, god, i cant believe one of us actually has one of these.",chandler,"i know, i still am one of these."
ross,"ben, i want you to know that there may be some times when i may not be around, like this.  but ill still always come back, like this.  and sometimes i may be away longer, like this.  but ill still always come back, like this.",chandler,"and sometimes, ill want you to steal third, and ill go like this."
phoebe,"oh, look, hes closing his eyes again.",chandler,"this is unbelievable. it’s been like a half an hour. if this was a cartoon, you’d be looking like a ham right about now."
joey,"there’s the waitress. excuse me, miss. hello, miss?",chandler,it’s phoebe! hi!
rachel,i’ve never done that.,chandler,"all right, now look at her and tell me she doesn’t look exactly like her sister."
joey,i don’t care. phoebe’s phoebe. ursula’s... hot!,chandler,let’s not do that any more.
ross,"absolutely.  so, twins... hah! that’s like two births.  ouch.",chandler,"oh, okay. send her in."
nina,"oh, net usage statistics, right. gotcha, gotcha. won’t happen again. i wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt your... wenus.",chandler,"it’s not just that she’s cute, okay. it’s just that... she’s really really cute."
rachel,cool... urkel in spanish is urkel.,chandler,"so tell me something, is leaving the christmas lights up part of your plan to keep us merry all year long?"
joey,"i went back to riff’s. i think ursula likes me. all i ordered was coffee, she brought me a tuna meltt and four plates of curly fries.",chandler,"yeah, listen. okay, before you do anything joey-like, you might wanna run it by err..."
mr. douglas,it’s pretty ugly. we haven’t seen an anus this bad since the seventies.,chandler,"hey, listen, i know i came in late last week, but i slept funny, and my hair was very very &ndash;"
mr. douglas,not you. relax. ever have to fire anyone?,chandler,nina? nina.  nina.  nina.
phoebe,"ohhh... sure, yeah... ..okay, it fits.",chandler,"wow, this is serious. i’ve never known you to pay money for any kind of capade."
phoebe,okay.,chandler,"knit, good woman, knit, knit!"
mr. douglas,she’s still here.,chandler,"yes, yes she is. didn’t i memo you on this? see, after i let her go, err, i got a call from her psychiatrist, dr. flanen-nen, dr. flanen, dr. flan."
mr. douglas,i see. i guess you never really know what’s goin’ on inside a person’s head.,chandler,"well, i guess that’s why they call it psychology, sir."
ross,"aw, how can you say that? i can’t even get marcel to stop eating the bath mat. how am i gonna raise a kid?",chandler,"you know, ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and babies are actually different."
nina,"i don’t know. for the past couple days, people have been avoiding me and giving me these really strange looks.",chandler,"oh, well, ah... maybe that’s because they’re ah... jealous, of us."
helen,so you still want me to send her psychological profile to personnel?,chandler,helen drinks.  will you marry me?
monica,what about the second minister we meet with? i kinda liked him.,chandler,you mean the spitter?
monica,come on! it wasn’t that bad!,chandler,easy for you to say; you’ll be wearing a veil.
monica,"all right, what about the third guy?",chandler,you mean the guy who kept staring at your chest?
monica,can you blame him?,chandler,"sorry, i just don’t like the idea of when i say, i do, he’s thinking, yeah, i’d do her too!"
monica,well then we still have a problem.,chandler,yeah!
phoebe,what?! no! it was my idea!,chandler,guys thank you very much but neither of you is marrying us.
joey,does calling it not mean anything anymore?!,chandler,"we are going to have a legitimate member of the clergy! and when i say legitimate i mean, gay and in control of his saliva!"
joey,"so, did you uh, find anyone to marry you guys yet?",chandler,"no, but horny for monica minister called, wanting to know if we were still together."
joey,well then let me do it!,chandler,joe…
joey,"yeah and the most important thing is that it won’t be some like, stranger up there who barely knows you. it’ll be me! and i swear i’ll do a really good job. plus, y’know i love you guys and-and it would really mean a lot to me.",chandler,"y’know, we haven’t found anybody else."
joey,so i can do it?,chandler,yeah you can do it.
joey,"all right!!! okay!! all right! okay-okay, i gotta get started on my speech! oh, wait a minute, internet ministers can still have sex right?",chandler,yeah.
joey,hey!,chandler,hey!
joey,say hello to reverend joey tribbiani!,chandler,hey!
joey,"yeah, i just got off the internet! man, there is a lot of porn out there!",chandler,our minister…
joey,"anyway, i started working on what i’m going to say for the ceremony, do you wanna hear it?",chandler,okay.
joey,"now-now, listen this is just a first draft so…  we are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that monica and chandler share.  eh?  it is a love based on giving and receiving. as well as having and sharing. and the love that they give and have is shared and received. and through this having and giving and sharing and receiving.  we too can share and love and have and receive.",chandler,should we call the spitter?
joey,"okay you guys, i got a little more written. are you ready?",chandler,yeah. o-okay.
joey,yes!,chandler,"see joe, not that that’s not grrreat! but, one of the cool things about having somebody we know perform the ceremony is that it can be about us! y’know, it can be more personal. you can tell stories about us!"
joey,"ooh, like the time you and i went to atlantic city and i made you laugh so hard you threw up your whole steak?! remember?",chandler,"no, not us…  us!"
phoebe,oh! suddenly somebody knows all about the side affects!,chandler,"see joe, we want you to tell stories but y’know, romantic stories. nice stories."
joey,…by doin’ it.,chandler,joe?
joey,"okay. all right. umm, so uh, so how did it happen? did your eyes meet across the room? and then the next thing y’know you’re in the bathtub together and she’s feeding you strawberries?",chandler,isn’t that what happened with you and the bride’s maid?
joey,yeah baby!,chandler,and i was a perfect gentleman and i walked her to her hotel room and said goodnight.
joey,oh.,chandler,but then later that night…
joey,yeah baby!,chandler,hey!
monica,cute pj’s! you’re really livin’ it up here in london huh?,chandler,well i was… i was exactly expecting company after…(he looks
monica,is joey here?,chandler,"well, last time i saw him he was heading out the door with the bride’s maid and a bucket of strawberries. so uh, you’re not still upset about what that guy told ya are ya?"
monica,wouldn’t you be?,chandler,"well, look it’s been a really emotional time y’know, and you’ve had a lot to drink. and you’ve just got to let that go okay? i mean you were the most beautiful in the room tonight!"
monica,really?,chandler,you kidding? you’re the most beautiful woman in most rooms…   whoa! whoa! whoa! what’s going on? you and i just made out! you and i are making out?
monica,"well, not anymore.",chandler,but we don’t do that.
monica,"i know, i just thought it would be fun.",chandler,how drunk are you?
monica,drunk enough to know that i want to do this. not so drunk that you should feel guilty about taking advantage.,chandler,that’s the perfect amount!
monica,y’know what’s weird?,chandler,what?
monica,this doesn’t feel weird!,chandler,i know.
monica,you’re a really good kisser.,chandler,"well, i have kissed over four women.  do you wanna get under the covers?"
monica,hm-hmm!,chandler,okay!
monica,wow! you are really fast!,chandler,it bodes well for me that speed impresses you.
monica,we’re gonna see each other naked.,chandler,yep!
monica,do you wanna do it at the same time?,chandler,count of three?
monica,one!,chandler,two!
monica and chandler,three!,chandler,well i think it’s safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined.
monica,"eh, we weren’t that close anyway!",chandler,eh!
joey,hey!,chandler,hey joe! i was just watching a movie-e-e…
joey,"oh, dude i’m so sorry!",chandler,no! no! no!
joey,"hey no-no-no-no! it’s cool! it’s cool! i-i’ll only be a second, i’m still with my bride’s maid, i just—where are those condoms you brought?",chandler,they’re in my bag over there.
joey,ah.,chandler,"uh, could you leave me one?"
joey,for just you?,chandler,yeah.
joey,"hey listen, why don’t you come downstairs with me? there’s some really nice girls down there.",chandler,no i-i-i’m fine.
monica,what?!,chandler,what?
phoebe,what?!,chandler,who did you originally want to hook up with?
joey,yeah baby!  no baby!,chandler,so you came to the room looking for joey? did you ever in-intend on telling me about this?
monica,no because it-it didn’t seem important.,chandler,"oh, it’s not important? it’s not important?! if it wasn’t for a bride’s maid you’d be marrying him  not me!"
joey,and it is a love that is based on having and giving and receiv—,chandler,i don’t believe it. the most romantic night of my life and i’m runner up.
joey,"hey!  now i’m a man of the cloth, but i still have feelings!",chandler,look there is no way you’re doing this wedding now. okay?
joey,"what?! that’s not fair! it’s not my fault! i was off with my bride’s maid! and who’s to say i would’ve even said yes?!  i mean i would’ve said yes. chandler look y-y-you are making way to big a deal out of this, all right? look, everything worked out okay!",chandler,"okay, it’s just weird! okay? i don’t want to be standing their saying my vows and then having the mental image of you and monica! i-i-i need…i don’t know what i need. i need a walk."
monica,"wait chandler come on, let’s—it’s not a big deal!",chandler,"it is to me. you wanted to sleep with batman, and instead you had to settle for robin."
joey,hey.,chandler,hey. do you want this scone?  it came for me but it would probably rather sleep with you!
joey,"chandler, come on nothing even happened!",chandler,"look joe, i know you wanted to do the wedding…"
joey,"no-hey-no! if you don’t want me to do it, i except that. i don’t care about that. i just…i don’t want you to be upset.",chandler,how can i not be upset? okay? i finally fall in love with this fantastic woman and it turns out that she wanted you first!
joey,"yeah for like a half an hour one night! chandler, she wants you for the rest of her life! you’re so lucky! look what i missed out on by not being there! although you know what? it could never have worked like you guys did, ‘cause you guys are perfect for each other. y’know, we look at you and-and we see you together and it just…it-it fits. y’know? and you just know it’s gonna last forever.",chandler,that’s what you should say.
joey,what?,chandler,when you’re marrying us; that’s what you should say.
joey,really? i can do it?,chandler,i’d love it if you would do it.
joey,hey!,chandler,but those are the words! those exact words!
joey,so are guys doing okay?,chandler,"yeah, we talked and monica made me see that i over reacted a little bit and some things in life are more important."
monica,you look cute in bubbles.,chandler,"ehh, youre just liquored up."
joey,"hey, its me! im comin in!",chandler,"ive had a very long, hard day."
joey,"ahh, im gonna go get some chicken. want some?",chandler,"ahh, no thanks. no chicken, bye-bye then."
joey,you sure? some extra crispy? dirty rice? beans?,chandler,"for the last time no! get out! get out, joey!"
joey,all right!,chandler,"are you okay? im so sorry, he wouldnt leave. he kept asking me about chicken."
monica,chicken? i could eat some chicken.,chandler,hey joe!
phoebe,hey!,chandler,"hey, pheebs!"
monica,"wait, what that place, that pub he took us too?",chandler,"uh, the wheatsheaf."
all,bodingtons! woohoo!,chandler,"ooh! ahh, pheebs, was gonna tell a story."
ross,"no, not since i lost her at the airport.",chandler,i cant believe she can out run you man!
ross,"ohh, i gotta go to the flower store!  check it out, no one will tell me where emily is, so im gonna send 72 long-stem, red roses to emilys parents house, one for each day that ive known and loved her. that oughta get her talking to me again.",chandler,"oh, ross, when you make out card; be sure to make it out to, em-i-ly."
rachel,"what?! i didnt have a good time in greece! ross abandoned me! okay, i couldnt get a plane out, so i had to stay in their honeymoon suite with people coming up to me all the time going, oh, mrs. geller, why are you crying? i mean, it was sooo humiliating. i felt like such an idiot! i mean, its all my fault! and you know why, because i make very bad decisions.",chandler,oh thats not true.
rachel,"thats fine. so monica, you are now in control of my love life.",chandler,"okay, i gotta go to work."
phoebe,"oh! here we all are! yeah, theres ross and joey and you and me.",chandler,"all right, yknow what, weve been talking about london too much havent we?"
monica,what took you so long?,chandler,"i got caught up and work, but im quitting tomorrow."
monica,"oh, good.",chandler,"so, thanks for having me over! rach.  pheebs."
phoebe,"that sucks! thats not a trip! i just came from the park! what are we gonna high five about at the stupid central park? well, its right by my house, all right!",chandler,"well, im gonna go home and bask in the triumph of my central park idea."
rachel,"hey-whoa-whoa-whoa!! ho-ho-hold on a sec there, mr. kissey! yknow, ive been meaning to talk to you about this whole, little, new european thing you got going on, and i just need to tell you that it makes me very uncomfortable and i just—yknow—stop it!",chandler,i was just trying to bring a little culture to the group.
joey,phoebe!,chandler,"hey, pheebs!"
phoebe,"okay, woo! hi.",chandler,"okay, pheebs, we decided the picnic idea was a little… yknow, it didnt have any… it-it, well it blew. so, we thought, that this afternoon that we would all go away for the whole weekend to, atlantic city!"
ross,"okay, lets go!",chandler,atlantic city!
all,whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! wait-wait!,chandler,pheebs! we have to take you to the hospital now!
monica,i cant believe phoebes gonna have her babies!,chandler,"i know, its beautiful. amazing."
monica,do you know anything about women?,chandler,no.
monica,thats all right.,chandler,okay.
with help from,aaron howard-miller,chandler,ohh. mmm.
rachel,hi.,chandler,"hey, you have got to try this cheesecake."
rachel,"oh, y’know im not that much of a sweet tooth. i——wow. my god, so creamy. oh my god, this is the best cheesecake i have ever had. where did you get this?",chandler,it was at the front door. when i got home. somebody sent it to us.
rachel,"chandler, this is not addressed to you. this is addressed to mrs. braverman downstairs.  thief.",chandler,i—no! i didnt read the box before i opened it. and you cant return a box after youve opened the box.
rachel,"why, why not?",chandler,because its too delicious.
rachel,"chandler, you stole this cheesecake. that is wrong.",chandler,"no-no-no! it is going to be okay, because mrs. braverman is gonna send away for a free one and that way we all win! the only losers are the big cheesecake conglomerate,  momma’s little bakery.  i feel terrible, i’m a horrible, horrible, horrible person."
joey,"all right, i should get going, big day a work. y’know i’m in a coma? today, they do this test on me and it turns out i’m not brain dead.",chandler,so…
phoebe,okay.,chandler,"oh, what’s at 8:00?"
monica,"my god, i can’t believe this! i mean i knew that mom and dad were invited, but i thought that was it! i mean from the ages 7 to 9 frannie and i were inseparable!",chandler,"well, maybe since the age of 9, frannie’s made some new friends."
ross,"y’know, she tried to undress me too.",chandler,i used to undress my cousin glenn.
rachel,hi!,chandler,another cheesecake came! they delivered it to the wrong address again!
rachel,"so just bring it back downstairs, what’s the problem?",chandler,i can’t seem to say goodbye.
rachel,"are you serious?! chandler, we ate an entire cheesecake two days ago and you want more?",chandler,well i’ve forgotten what it tastes like okay?!
rachel,"it was cheesecake. it was fine. it had a buttery, crumbly, graham cracker crust, with a very rich yet light, cream cheese filling…  wow! my whole mouth just filled with saliva!",chandler,y’know what? forget it! we are just hungry! we have not had lunch! we are just light-headed! so let us go out and have lunch and forget about the cheesecake.
rachel,yeah and we’ll drop it off downstairs so that we’re not tempted.,chandler,good idea. where do you want to go to lunch?
monica,we’ll see.,chandler,"well, thank you for lunch."
rachel,"what? wait a minute, i didn’t pay, i thought you paid!",chandler,so apparently we just don’t pay for food anymore.  do you see what i see?
rachel,its still there!,chandler,mrs. braverman must be out.
rachel,she could be out of town. maybe she’ll be gone for months.,chandler,"by then, the cheesecake may have gone bad. we don’t want her to come back to bad cheesecake."
rachel,no that could kill her.,chandler,"well, we don’t want that."
rachel,no so we’re protecting her.,chandler,but we should take it.
rachel,but we should move quick.,chandler,why?
rachel,because i think i just heard her moving around in there.,chandler,go! go! go! go! go! go! go! go! go! go!
rachel,oh my god! that is so good!,chandler,"i’m full, and yet i know if i stop eating this, i’ll regret it."
rachel,"oh it’s umm, it’s tofu cake. do you want some?",chandler,what are you doing tonight?
joey,huh? uh…,chandler,dude! dude!
joey,"oh!  sorry. uh, i’ve got those plans with phoebe, why?",chandler,"oh really? uh, monica said she had a date at 9:00."
joey,what?! tonight?!,chandler,that’s what monica said.
phoebe,"oh, you’re such a gentleman.  come on! we’re going to my place!",chandler,are you eating the cheesecake without me?!
rachel,mm-mmm.,chandler,i will give you a hundred dollars to whistle right now.  how can you eat the cheesecake without me?!
rachel,"oh, what are you going to do?! are you gonna go run tell monica?! are you gonna tell joey?! no! because then you will have to tell them what we did! we are desert stealers! we are living outside the law!",chandler,"y’know what? i don’t trust you with this cake anymore! and i got it first, and i’m takin’ it back!"
rachel,what?! what?!,chandler,oh yes!
rachel,wait a minute!,chandler,oh yes!
rachel,"oh no-no-no-no-no, no you don’t!",chandler,oh yes! oh yes!
rachel,you think i trust you with it?! no! we’re gonna split it! you take half and i take half!,chandler,"well that’s not fair, you’ve already had some!"
rachel,"what? oh, well then y’know what? i think monica would be very interested to know that you called her cheesecake dry and mealy.",chandler,what do we use to split it?
rachel,"okay!  all right, pick a half.",chandler,"okay well, this side looks bigger. uh… there’s more crust on this side. y’know? so, maybe if i measured…"
rachel,oh for god sake just pick a piece!,chandler,"all right, i’ll pick that one."
rachel,"that’s also the smaller piece.  okay, there you go. enjoy your half my friend, but that is it. no sharing. no switching, and don’t come crying to me if you eat your piece to fast.  oh!!!!",chandler,ohhh!
rachel,"okay, you gotta give me some of your piece.",chandler,"oh-ho-ho-ho-no! no! no switching! no sharing, and don’t come crying to me! ha-ha-ha! i may just sit here and have my cake all day! just sit here in the hallway and eat my…"
rachel,oh! yay! look! there’s a piece that doesn’t have floor on it!,chandler,stick to your side!
ross,"so, i just finished this fascinating book. by the year 2030, therell be computers that can carry out the same amount of functions as an actual human brain. so theoretically you could download your thoughts and memories into this computer and-and-and live forever as a machine.",chandler,and i just realized i can sleep with my eyes open.
monica,"honey, thats a great idea nailing the boxes to the floor!",chandler,i didnt nail the boxes to the floor.
monica,"oh, so you can move them!",chandler,"yes, and while im doing that, ross has a great computer story for you."
joey,"i didnt know that! well, what a pretty last name!",chandler,"so, uh, wh-where ya from?"
ross,thank you for bringing her into our lives.,chandler,unbelievable
monica,"oh, so you like her too chandler?",chandler,"hey, look at all the boxes!"
ross,"yeah, yeah man dont do it. i mean if you date her, then-then-then i cant date her.",chandler,"all right, think about it. now remember when you were going out with that girl donna and you guys broke up. remember how horrible it was when you guys bumped into each other at the supermarket?"
joey,"oh god, yeah.",chandler,now imagine you live at the supermarket.
joey,okay!,chandler,no-no
monica,well see.,chandler,"ok, im officially unpacked. thanks for helping me man.  joe?  well, i guess joey went home. oh and look, theres still one box that i have to unpack."
joey,i gotcha!!,chandler,oh my god! you-almost-gave-me-a-heart-attack.
joey,"boy, it was so hard not to laugh, i tell ya. hey, hey, the place looks great!",chandler,"yeah, not bad right? you know what, monica’s gonna be working late, so im gonna make this place spotless. you know what else im gonna do, know what else im gonna do? im gonna go downstairs, im gonna get her some flowers. now who wouldnt wanna live with me?"
joey,"i dont! no, i wanna live with the super-hot australian dancer.",chandler,"yeah, now hows that going though? are you okay with the not-flirting thing?"
ross,"wow, couples who live together do start to look alike. so, mondler...uh, what uh, what ‘cha doin?",chandler,what does it look like im doing? i am cleaning!
ross,did you get monicas authorization to move all of her stuff?,chandler,authorization? i dont need that. im gonna put everything back.
ross,put it back exactly where you found it?,chandler,yes im gonna put it back  exactly where i found it.
ross,"‘kay, first of all, this attitude is not helping.",chandler,shes not gonna care if i put her stuff back in the same stupid place.
ross,"whoa, hello, did you just meet monica?",chandler,"she is gonna recognize that i did a nice thing and-and, appreciate it."
ross,"hmm -you know, actually thisll work out well. cause when you have to move back in with joey, joeys hot new roommate can come and live with me.",chandler,"i see, i see, y-y-youre trying to freak me out."
ross,"look chandler, monica is really weird about this kind stuff all right. believe me, i lived with her for 16 years. she is going to freak…out. oh my god, shes going to sit on you.",chandler,"no, shes not okay? and ill prove it to you. im gonna call her right now.  phones done ehh."
monica,hi!,chandler,"hey mon, hows it going?"
monica,"terrible. if-if i want something done right, i have to do it myself. other people just wreck stuff. i really think i might kill someone tonight.",chandler,"oh come on, come on, it cant be that bad."
monica,its worse. the only thing thats getting me through is knowing that im gonna be seeing you soon. i think i may even try to get out of here early.,chandler,no! no-no-no-no-no-no. it sounds like they really need you down there.
monica,"well, are you just hanging out with ross?",chandler,"its, all good! okay bye-bye mon!  shes-shes gonna kill me."
ross,"yeah, the phone was facing the other way.  and that goes back up there.",chandler,"we should start with the big stuff. y’know? thatll be the easiest. uh, lets start with the couch.  i got it."
ross,"yeah that-that, doesnt look right.",chandler,"what are you talking about? the couch is perfectly in line with the carpet. and then i can just walk over here and casually just put my feet right up on the... ok, ok, heres what we do, we just uh, move the couch closer to the coffee table."
ross,"whoa, whoa, but then the back of the couch wont line up with he back of the carpet.",chandler,"ok well here, well just move the coffee table closer to the couch."
ross,"whoa, whoa, whoa, but then the coffee table wont be centered in the seating area.",chandler,"yes, but the coffee table doesnt match the...blahebdmsdlkhdyslkd;btyds...rooosss!!!!"
ross,"look, we do not repel women ok? that is completely untrue.",chandler,"oh no, yes we do my man. remember when we were back in college and we went to that spring dance and you walked right up to that girl you liked and you could not stop talking about the irish potato famine?"
ross,"yeah, well what about you? you werent you know, so hot in college either. after everything he said, hed go ba dum bum chessh",chandler,"yeah, monica doesnt like that either, maybe i should stop doing that."
ross,"oh yknow what, girls dont like it when i start talking about science.",chandler,thats not specific to girls.
ross,"uh, they dont like it when you correct their grammar.",chandler,and they dont like it when you explain why your jokes are funny.
ross,they dont like it when you keep asking them if they like you.,chandler,"man, im so lucky i have monica."
phoebe,"thats okay rachel. im not judging you; thats just who you are. me. im more free yknow? i run like i did when i was a kid, cause thats the only way its fun. yknow, i mean didn’t you ever run so fast you thought your legs were gonna fall off? yknow, like when you were like running towards the swings or running away from satan?  the neighbors dog.",chandler,"okay, is this lamp in the same place?"
ross,who cares? i repel women.,chandler,no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no!!! you cant come in here! r-r-r-r-ross is naked.
ross,what?!,chandler,i couldnt say that i was naked because shes allowed too see me naked.
monica,is it the same thing that chandler had?,chandler,"look, uh, just come later, well get everything squared away and you can come back later."
monica,"okay, listen, theres still some of chandlers medicine under the sink in the bathroom. bye!",chandler,bye! thank god
ross,"dude, whatd you have?",chandler,"look, we have no time okay? we must focus. we gotta get everything back into its original place."
ross,the photo album! there were millions of pictures of the apartment in the photo album. we just go through it and match everything to the pictures.,chandler,thats perfect! thats brilliant!
monica,is it okay for me to come in now?,chandler,uh-huh
ross,bye!,chandler,"no, i dont see anything different other than the fact that the room got so much brighter when you came into it."
monica,"well, the end table is wrong, the couch looks bizarre and dont even get me started on the refrigerator magnets.",chandler,"okay look, dont...dont be mad okay? but after i unpacked the boxes i wanted to do something nice for you, so, i-i-i cleaned the apartment. so i moved everything around and then i forgot where it, where it went back and im sorry, im very sorry, im sorry, im sorry."
monica,"its okay. chandler, are you afraid of me or something?",chandler,do you want me to be afraid of you?
monica,"of course not. i mean gosh, chandler what you did, its, its a wonderful thing and i really appreciate it. i know i have this weird thing where i want everything to be in the perfect place, but id never expect you to worry about that.",chandler,really?
monica,of course!,chandler,oh well youre the best. you come here to me.
janine,"yeah, i gotta go.",chandler,ba dum bumb cheshhh!
joey,"look, just because i know about you two, doesnt mean i like looking at it.",chandler,arent you supposed to be at an audition for another hour?
monica,sorry.,chandler,sorry.
joey,hey!,chandler,hello!
phoebe,"yeah! why would my mother send me a fur? doesnt she know me but at all! plus, i have a perfectly fine coat that no innocent animal suffered to make!",chandler,"yeah, just some 9-year-old filipino kids who worked their fingers bloody for 12 cents an hour.  that didnt happen, i made that up!"
ross,"look, if i can just do what emily wants and get her to new york, im sure everything will be fine.",chandler,"okay, but dont you think this is a little extreme?"
phoebe,"oh, i hate this. everythings changing.",chandler,"yeah i know, were losing ross, joey said hence…"
joey,"ooh-ooh-ooh, yeah!  enh? all right, what do you think?",chandler,youre on in 5 ms. minnelli.
joey,thats way uptown! thats like three trains away! which is great! i love to ride that rail!,chandler,so youre really okay with this?
ross,"yes! yes! i mean its-its kinda far from work, but uh, yknow, ill get so much done on the commute. i-ive been given the gift of time!",chandler,"now thats so funny, because last christmas i got the gift of space. we should get them together and make a continuum."
ross,i know i miss you too. i cant wait to see you. i love you. bye.,chandler,"okay, what is in here? rocks?"
ross,"no-no, this is my collection of fossil samples.",chandler,"so, rocks."
joey,yeah!,chandler,"look, we just think that maybe shes being a little unreasonable."
joey,i kinda feel like its my fault.,chandler,kind of? if you just kept this to yourself none of this wouldve happened.
joey,"well, im keeping so many things to myself these days, something was bound to slip out!",chandler,"well, i think its very brave what you said."
phoebe,"all right, i cant sit here anymore. i have to walk places.",chandler,"pheebs, what are you doing with the coat? how about the whole animal rights thing?"
danny,stop saying that. i hate that.,chandler,"uh, ross?"
joey,"look, ross, i feel really bad. i mean, youre going through all this stuff and i just acted like a jerk.",chandler,"yeah, we are so sorry."
phoebe,hi emily!,chandler,hi!
emily,shes there?!,chandler,"oh yeah, there-there she is!"
ross,"hey, y’know what’s weird? after you guys get married, when you introduce me to people you’re gonna have to say, this is my brother-in-law ross. not, my friend ross, brother-in-law ross. that’s weird isn’t it?",chandler,"couldn’t i just say, this is ross?"
ross,"uh, hello dad! monica and i just saw the house in the paper!  yes we’re surprised!  who did you leave a message with?",chandler,sorry!
phoebe,"no.  oh wait yes! i do, i do have one question. what is toner?",chandler,"joey! joe!  full bag.  beer’s still cold. something terrible must’ve happened here!  oh no-no-no-no-no-no!  stevie, i was never here!"
earl,"oh yeah? i work in a cubicle surrounded by people. i’ve been talking to you for five minutes now about killing myself and no one’s even looked up from their desk. hang-hang on.  hey everybody! uh, i’m gonna kill myself!  i’ll get back to ya.  i got nothing. wait.  uh, hey marge!   ehh, nothing. nothing.",chandler,"my chair. now, if anybody asks, your name is rosita!"
rachel,hey chandler!,chandler,hey!
rachel,"how would you like to sit in a chair that fully reclines, has a rolling massage, and speakers in the head rest?",chandler,"yeah, i’d love to but i’ve tried that so many times they won’t even let me in the store anymore."
rachel,"well what if i told you, you can do it in my apartment?",chandler,are you telling me that you bought the chair that is making all other lounge systems obsolete? the chair that sit magazine called the chair of the year?
rachel,i just purchased the la-z-boy e-cliner 3000.,chandler,that’s awesome! that’s great! what made you do it?!
rachel,"well, it’s a long story, but umm i broke joey’s chair…",chandler,whoa-whoa-whoa! you broke joey’s chair?
rachel,yeah.,chandler,i thought i broke joey’s chair! that’s why i replaced it with mine!
rachel,ohhhhh. that’s how it got fixed!,chandler,"well, what did you think, that-that elves came in and fixed it?"
rachel,noo!  angels.,chandler,i’m gettin’ my chair back!
joey,"well, it looks like it wasn’t heeled after all! yeah! so, i guess this chair is mine now!",chandler,joey you broke my chair!!
rachel,"uh-huh! nice try, but you don’t get that chair anymore! all right? that is my chair now! you can sit on my lap!  no i take that back!",chandler,i think i should get the chair!
joey,how do you figure?,chandler,"because you  broke a chair and you  broke a chair! the only one around here that hasn’t broke a chair, is me!"
rachel,no-no-no! this chair’s not going anywhere.,chandler,"well, where’s the logic in that?!"
rachel,"the logic is, that there are two of us and we are both strong enough to break a chair in half!",chandler,so joey breaks my chair and i get nothing!
joey,that’s right!,chandler,what are you guys? like a gang or something?!
ross,"uh, oh-oh, umm no you didn’t. i did.",chandler,"oh uh-uh, no-no-no-no-uh-uh."
jennifer,are you okay?,chandler,hey rach!
richard,noo! i came down here to tell you something else. i came here to tell you i still love you.,chandler,what the fu——ck are you doing?!
conan,but audiences—you have a live studio audience and they must love that. they must love it when they see you guys playing.,chandler,what are you guys doing?
monica,are you saying that you don’t want to get with this?,chandler,"you see, i don’t say—"
phoebe,"oh, sweet je——sus! oh! monica, these are the  cookies they serve in hell!",chandler,whoa! she’s purty!
ross,pivot! piv-at! piv-at!!,chandler,shut up! shut up! shut up!!
matthew,it is when we’re able to crack each other up.,chandler,monica’s gotta have the phone in the right place and—
monica,son of a bitch!,chandler,hey joe! you wanna shoot some hoops?
ross,oh cool!,chandler,that’s great.
joey,"yeah-yeah, and if i get it by day i’ll  dr. drake remoray, but by night i’ll be  joey trrrribbiani!",chandler,you’ll be perfect for this! that’s already your name!
ross,awesome!,chandler,"okay, i guess we can lose to junior high girls some other time."
joey,all right! let’s play bamboozled!,chandler,bamboozled?
ross,yeah!,chandler,no!
joey,"i said a little bit ross. now, how about you chandler?",chandler,"well joey, i’m a headhunter. i hook up out of work soviet scientists with rogue third-world nations. hi rasputin!"
joey,"excellent! let’s play bamboozled! chandler, you’ll go first. what is the capital of columbia?",chandler,bogota.
joey,"it’s ba-go-ta, but close enough. now, you can either pass your turn to ross or pick a wicked wango card.",chandler,what does a wicked wango card do?
joey,"i should know that. let’s see, just one moment please. umm, here we are, a wicked wango card determines whether you go higher or lower.",chandler,higher or lower than what?
joey,this is embarrassing.,chandler,can you believe how lame this is?
joey,"no dude, you gotta hold your breath until you’re ready to answer the question.",chandler,"this is ridiculous, he’s not gonna hold his breath…"
joey,"okay, what do you have a fear of if you suffer from this phobia, tris…holy cow, that’s a big word. trisc… seriously look at this thing. chandler, how do you say that?",chandler,let me see that.
joey,this one right here.,chandler,triscadecaphobia.
joey,"no! no, fear of the number 13.",chandler,fear of triscuts?
ross,"wait a minute, i-i believe i’m entitled to use my angel pass for a free turn?",chandler,this game makes no sense!
ross,y’know what? you’re just upset because you’re losing.,chandler,"oh come on ross, i think we’re all losers here."
joey,"all right. chandler, you can either spin the wheel or pick a google card.",chandler,let me think. let me think—oh! i don’t care.
joey,you-you must choose mr. bing.,chandler,"either, it makes no difference."
joey,"choose, you jackass!",chandler,i’ll take a card.
ross,what?!,chandler,this game is kinda fun.
ross,you don’t think it’s a little crazy that you get all my points just ‘cause you…,chandler,i don’t think the contestants are supposed to speak to each other.
joey,"in what john houston film would you hear this line, badges? we don’t need no stinkin’ badges!",chandler,treasure of the sierra madre!
joey,correct! there’s a possible backwards bonus!,chandler,madre sierra the of treasure!
joey,yes!,chandler,i’d like to go up the ladder of chance to the golden mud hut please.
joey,"wise choice, how many rungs?",chandler,six!
joey,that noise can only me one thing.,chandler,hungry monkey.
ross,"oh.  oh! oh my god! okay, i know this, give me-give me a second!",chandler,tell it to the time turtle!
ross,i’d like to spin the wheel!,chandler,oh come on!!
joey,"now, over to chandler.",chandler,i’d like a google card.
joey,are you sure?,chandler,yes!  no!  google!
joey,"oh my god! congratulations ross, because chandler, you’ve been bamboozled!",chandler,nooo!!
ross,yeah!!,chandler,this is the best game ever!!!
ross,"oh, i’m sorry you’ve been bamboozled! you’re gonna be a terrible mother!  i’ve lost sight of why we’re doing this!",chandler,now we can finally watch green acres the way it was meant to be seen.
phoebe,i cant believe two cows made the ultimate sacrifice so you guys could watch tv with your feet up.,chandler,well they were chair-shaped cows. they never would have survived in the wild.
dr. burke,"no no, it, its fine, believe me. i do it too. i always answer with the im",chandler,"uh, two larges, extra cheese on both. but listen, dont ring the buzzer for 19, ring 20, geller-green, theyll let you in, ok. if you buzz our door, theres no tip for you. ok, thanks. pizzas on the way. i told you we wouldnt have to get up."
ross,"oh. listen, have you ever been uh, you know, foolin around with a girl and uh, she started laughin?",chandler,"yeah, but uh, it was 1982 and my flock of seagulls haircut was tickling her chin."
ross,"yeah. i dont know, ive been wanting this since like ninth grade typing, ya know. and i just want it to be perfect and right and. . . why isnt that laser beam cutting through the paint?",chandler,"listen can you guys uh, speak up, its harder for us to hear you when you lower your voice."
joey,cool.,chandler,if that.
monica,bet i know how that discussion’s going to go.,chandler,i’m going to need a bigger boat.
rachel,"okay, a couple months late on the lecture, ross.",chandler,"oh, god!"
rachel,"yes, please.",chandler,"okay. (as soon as monica leaves the room, chandler takes off his jacket and runs to the"
all,"oh, wow! yay! wow! hooray! oh, man!",chandler,i’ll…i’ll get you later!
joey,"since always. its like dating language. yknow, like its not you means it is you.",chandler,or youre such a nice guy means im gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you.
joey,yeah. cushions the blow.,chandler,"yeah, its like when youre a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm."
ross,"what? wh- hello? the millners farm in connecticut? the millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was- it w- .....oh my god, chi chi!",chandler,so how does it feel knowing youre about to die?
joey,"warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. but youll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die.",chandler,"hey, that was really good!"
joey,thanks! lets keep going.,chandler,"okay. so. whaddya want from me, damone, huh?"
joey,"i just wanna go back to my cell. cause in my cell, i can smoke.",chandler,smoke away.
joey,what?,chandler,relax your hand!
joey,whoah!,chandler,hey!
joey,hey!,chandler,"alright, now try taking a puff."
joey,"no no no, i am not giving you a cigarette.",chandler,"its fine, its fine. look, do you wanna get this part, or not? here."
joey,ymiss it?,chandler,"nah, not so much. alright, now we smoke.  oh.. my.. god."
phoebe,- and theres five hundred extra dollars in my account.,chandler,"oh, satans minions at work again..."
ross,what is this?!,chandler,"im smoking. im smoking, im smoking."
phoebe,"oh, i cant believe you! youve been so good, for three years!",chandler,and this- is my reward!
ross,"hold on a second, alright? just think about what you went through the last time you quit.",chandler,"okay, so this time i wont quit!"
all,ohhh! put it out!,chandler,"all right! im putting it out, im putting it out."
monica,no. not after what happened with steve.,chandler,what are you talking about? we love schhteve! schhteve was schhexy!.. sorry.
monica,really!,chandler,"oh, yeah. id marry him just for his david hasselhof impression alone. you know im gonna be doing that at parties, right?"
rachel,"i mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team.",chandler,"yep, we sure showed those hassidic jewellers a thing or two about softball.."
ross,"yeah, its his, uh, innate alan-ness that-that-that we adore.",chandler,i personally could have a gallon of alan.
phoebe,"i know! i know, i opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker!",chandler,"well, maybe its a contest, yknow? like, collect all five?"
rachel,its worse than the thumb!,chandler,"hey, this is so unfair!"
monica,"oh, why is it unfair?",chandler,"so i have a flaw! big deal! like joeys constant knuckle-cracking isnt annoying? and ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? and monica, with that snort when she laughs? i mean, what the hell is that thing? ...i accept all those flaws, why cant you accept me for this?"
ross,dont you realise what youre-youre doing to yourself?,chandler,"hey, yknow, i have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. the bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it."
rachel,"chandler? its alan, he wants to speak to you.",chandler,"really? he does?  hey, buddy, whats up! oh, she told you about that, huh. well, yeah, i have one now and then. well, yeah, now. well, its not that big- ..well, thats true,.. gee, yknow, no-one- no-ones ever put it like that before. well, okay, thanks!"
rachel,yeah.,chandler,"ooh, lambchop. how old is that sock? if i had a sock on my hand for thirty years itd be talking too."
monica,hey. wheres joey?,chandler,"joey ate my last stick of gum, so i killed him. do you think that was wrong?"
ross,there ygo.,chandler,"ooh, im alive with pleasure now."
monica,im sorry..,chandler,"oh, shes sorry! i feel better!"
ross,"you had a rough day, huh.. cmere.",chandler,...thats it. im getting cigarettes.
all,no no no!,chandler,"i dont care, i dont care! games over! im weak! ive gotta smoke! ive gotta have the smoke!"
phoebe,if you never smoke again ill give you seven thousand dollars!,chandler,"yeah, alright."
ross,people can hear you.,chandler,i know!!
ross,that is one good looking man!,chandler,"is it just me, or can you actually see his abs through his overcoat?!"
ross,"well, kathy gets half-naked and simulates sex with a real good lookin’ guy.",chandler,"yeah, it’s like someone literally wrote down my worst nightmare and then charged me $32 to see it!"
phoebe,that’s a good idea for a business!,chandler,"i’m totally screwed. okay, they are gonna be hot and heavy on stage every night, and then they’re gonna go to their cast parties and he’s gonna try to undermine me. yknow it’ll be like, so where’s your boyfriend, what’s-his-name, chester? and she’ll go, no-no-no, it’s chandler. and he’ll go, whatever. ha-ha-ha-ha!"
joey,that-that is a good trick.,chandler,"all right, look, look, what am i gonna do?"
joey,"well okay, so then you’re fine. the rule is when two actors are actually doing it off-stage all the sexual tension between them is gone. okay? so as long as it’s hot onstage you got nothing to worry about. it’s when the heat goes away, that’s when you’re in trouble.",chandler,really?
joey,noooo!!,chandler,"so uh, man, are you gonna go to the play with me tonight?"
ross,"y’know what, i don’t know how comfortable i am going to see how hot the sex is between some guy and your girlfriend.",chandler,"yeah, i know but…"
joey,"no-no, stay right there.  gettin’ closer.",chandler,"okay, okay, but don’t worry, because we also have cereals, muffins, waffles, and, jams, jellies, and marmalades. which i’m fairly certain are the same thing."
joshua,it’s this way? sorry.,chandler,"i’m right! right? there was like no chemistry between them. before they had heat, and now there’s no heat! now you know what this means, joey told us what this means!"
ross,"all right, let’s not jump to any conclusions. all right? there was some sexual chemistry between them.",chandler,"come on, it was like cousins having sex up there!"
kathy,"it’s a good play, isn’t it?",chandler,"oh, i loved the play. you were great, and nick ditto. clearly you’re having sex with him."
kathy,"clearly, i’m having sex with him?",chandler,"oh come on, it was so obvious! there was no chemistry between you two!"
kathy,"okay, so let me just get this straight. you’re accusing me of cheating on you, and insulting my performance?",chandler,"y’know, i-i could see how this could happen, yknow you’re up there every night, you’re naked, touching, kissing."
kathy,"acting! chandler, this is my job! i’m-i’m playing a part in a play! how can you not trust me?!",chandler,"well, you can understand, given how we started."
kathy,"oh, wow. i can’t believe you’re throwing that in my face.",chandler,"well, that is what happened, and i don’t even see you denying this!"
kathy,"i’ll tell you what, chandler, why don’t you call me when you grow up!",chandler,"yeah, well, don’t expect that to happen anytime soon!"
phoebe,"oh, are we gonna trash that place?",chandler,steps!  slut!  you will all be very happy to hear that kathy is sleeping with that guy!
ross,so you were right?,chandler,"i confronted her, and she didn’t deny it!  i don’t live here!"
monica,are you sure?,chandler,"well, i may be drunk, but i know what she said! then i went over to beefsteak julie’s…"
rachel,beefsteak charlie’s?,chandler,yes! see you and i have always been like—
joey,what the heck is that?,chandler,did she call?
phoebe,"no, sorry.",chandler,"all right, maybe i should call her."
ross,"he’s right, what she did was unforgivable.",chandler,"well, yeah, but yknow, what-what if i was wrong?"
ross,how might you be wrong?,chandler,"well yknow, what if she didn’t actually sleep with the guy?"
joey,"dude, tell me she actually told you this.",chandler,"she did not have to tell me, i saw the play, and there was no heat. back me up here, ross!"
ross,that’s all you’re basing this on?,chandler,"that’s not backing me up! look, you said with the off-stage and the heat, and the onstage and the oy heat."
joey,"whoa-whoa, that-that was just a theory! there’s a lot of theories that didn’t pan out. the lone gunman. communism. geometry.",chandler,oh my god!!
kathy,hey.,chandler,"hey. i just, i just wanted to come over to-to say that i’m sorry. y’know? i know i acted like the biggest idiot in the world, and i can completely understand why you were so upset."
kathy,oh wow. i really wish you’d call me.,chandler,"yeah, i know, i-i wish i had too, but y’know i-i think this is a good thing. yknow? ‘cause we’ve had our first fight, and now we can move on. y’know, i know for me— nick’s pants?"
kathy,yeah.,chandler,"yeah. well, i think our second fight is going to be a big one!"
joey,how’d it go?,chandler,"well, she wasn’t sleeping with him."
phoebe,oh good!,chandler,she is now.
ross,what are you saying?,chandler,"i’m saying that she… is a devil woman! y’know i mean you think you know someone and then they turn around and they sleep with nick! nick, with his rock hard pecs, and his giant man-nipples! i hate him, i hate her! well, i don’t hate her, i love her. this is all my fault really."
phoebe,how? how is your fault?,chandler,"because, i-i should’ve called! y’know if i had just called her after our big, stupid fight, she never would’ve gone out with nick, and they would’ve ended up in bed together. i threw her at his man nipples!"
joey,"why would you ruin it, who was that hurtin?",chandler,wow! fortunately she has a very pretty face!
monica,"oh, i so cant believe this! my uterus is an inhospitable environment? i was trying so hard to be a good hostess!",chandler,"oh, i cant believe my sperm have low motility because, let me tell you, when i was growing up they sure seem to be in a hurry to get places!!"
doctor connelly,hi there.,chandler,hi.
doctor connelly,"above all, even though your chances of conceiving through natural means arent great, you never know! so, keep having sex on a regular basis.",chandler,"oh, damn it!"
doctor connelly,"and, of course, if you feel that neither of those is right for you, you can always adopt.",chandler,"is that a hint? because we love you doctor connelly but we dont think wed want you to be our child!  wow, talking about an inhospitable environment!"
ross,tsz... no! .,chandler,hey guys!
ross,"wait a minute, you guys. oh, i wanna ask you something. i-i i may get to speak at this paleontology convention and if i do, id love for you guys to come and hear me.",chandler,"i think i can safely say that we all have family issues, work stuff and/or are sick."
ross,its in barbados.,chandler,but you come first!
rachel,"bye, see ya.",chandler,ok.
joey,"all right, so. how did it go at the fertility clinic?",chandler,not as much fun as last time. apparently you only get porn if youre giving a sperm sample.
ross,so-so what did the doctor say?,chandler,"well... theres surrogacy, but monica has dreamt her whole life of carrying a child, she has felt that watching a surrogate would be... too hard for her."
joey,so youre ruling out surrogacy?,chandler,yeah.
joey,"so, i dont have to learn what that means?",chandler,"aside from adoption the only other choice is insemination, so... were talking about sperm donors."
joey,"enough said, im there for you man. where is she, upstairs?",chandler,ah-ha!
ross,how do you feel about all this?,chandler,i wish there was an easier way for us to have a child but i dont think there is one.
monica,hi honey!,chandler,"hey! look i brought a friend for dinner, this is zack, from work!"
zack,you too.,chandler,"you guys havent actually met before, but, boy! youre both polite!  go to have a seat zack, and ill get you a beer."
zack,thanks.,chandler,"so, zacks pretty nice, uh?"
monica,"yeah, i guess.",chandler,"so, how would you like to have a baby thats half yours and half his!"
monica,excuse me?,chandler,"well, were talking about sperm donors and zack may be the guy! i mean, look, hes intelligent, hes healthy, hes athletic, i mean, he is spermtastic!"
monica,"chandler, this is crazy! what did you even say to him! come up, meet my wife! give us your sperm!",chandler,"no, i invited him to dinner so you could get a chance to get to know him! i mean, if we go through a sperm bank you never meet the guy, get to check him out."
monica,chandler!,chandler,"im telling you, hes great! i mean, even if my sperm worked fine, id think hed be the way to go!"
monica,im not going to be a part of this! you cant just bring some random guy at home and expect him to be our sperm donor!,chandler,ok!
monica,uh!,chandler,zack!
zack,oh! im gonna go wash up first.  thanks!,chandler,"so what do you think? i want that guys genes for my kid! those eyes, those cheeckbones!"
monica,"ok, theres enthusiastic and theres just plain gay!!",chandler,you dont like him.
monica,i think he is fine! its just that we dont know anything real about him... we should get more information.,chandler,alright! just follow my lead!
zack,you guys have such a great place here.,chandler,"oh! thanks, im crazy about our place. hey! speaking of crazy... do you have a history of mental illness in the family?"
zack,uhm... no. although i did have an uncle who voted for dukakis.,chandler,thats really not the kind of thing we are looking for zack.
zack,ok. i heard a joke today. its pretty funny...,chandler,you know whats not funny? male pattern baldness
zack,raviolis delicious!,chandler,i noticed you were enjoying that ravioli with a beautiful set of teeth. did you have braces as a child?
monica,yess!!,chandler,were teeth people zack!
zack,"im gonna take off now. youre gonna let me go home, arent you?",chandler,you sure you dont wanna stick around a little longer?
zack,"no, no, i should get home, im kinda tired.",chandler,"are you just tired now or are you always tired, cause that could be a sign of clinical depression."
zack,no its just tiring having to figure out the age at which all my grandparents died. ill see you tomorrow.,chandler,ok.
monica,does seem pretty perfect.,chandler,"yeah, you think so, well? should i ask him?"
monica,no.,chandler,"why not, just because his great-grandmother was obese, our kids are gonna get that from you anyway!"
monica,"no, thats not it. its just that when we were asking him all those questions before, i just... i just realized i dont care if hes the most perfect guy in the world... hes not you.",chandler,"yeah, hes better!"
monica,"no, hes not. and if i cant get pregnant with you, then i dont want to get pregnant by... him or anyone else.",chandler,really? are you sure?
monica,"yeah, im sure.",chandler,"thank god, because i dont wanna do this either. you know, i was just doing because i thought that was what you wanted to do. you know, im the husband, im supposed to... bring the sperm."
monica,that is so sweet. i love you.,chandler,so you know this leaves us with...
monica,adoption.,chandler,how do you feel about that?
monica,i think i feel ok about it. actually i think i feel really good about it.,chandler,me too. i wanna find a baby that needs a home and i wanna raise it with you. and i wanna mess it up in our own specific way.
monica,"so this is it, were really gonna adopt?",chandler,yeah.
monica,"oh my god, were gonna be parents!",chandler,we are gonna be great parents.
monica,"and it could be soon. i mean, think about it: right now, somewhere out there  our baby could be being conceived.",chandler,"wait, if were lucky, and were really really really quiet, we may be able to hear the sound of a condom breaking!"
zack,hey chandler.,chandler,"look, i just wanted to apologize for last night. i got the feeling we made you a little uncomfortable."
zack,no you didnt.,chandler,really?
zack,no you did.,chandler,"my wife and i have some boundary issues, you know, sometimes we ask inappropriate questions. were working on it."
zack,"oh, thank you.",chandler,"you wouldnt know if jeanettes planning on keeping her baby, would ya?"
rachel,oh!,chandler,"so, wheres mike?"
rachel,"seriously stop it, or im gonna jump on ya.",chandler,hey.
monica,hey.,chandler,why are you wearing my apron?
monica,"im making cookies for erica. and oh, by the way, we have to leave for the airport soon, her plane comes in about an hour.",chandler,"oh, hey, when she gets here, is it ok if i introduce you two as my wife and the woman whos carrying my child?  no? divorce?"
monica,"well, because we want to get to know her better and shes never been to new york so she wants to see all the tourists spots... you know, statue of liberty, empire state building...",chandler,"oh, those places! theres always so many people, their being corralled like cattle, and... you know, theres always some idiot who goes mooooo!"
monica,honey.,chandler,im so sorry...
monica,"everyone. erica, baby!",chandler,"monica. calm, self."
joey,welcome to new york city! or should i say ghe deu flooff new york city?,chandler,why would you say that?
erica,"oh yeah, lets do that!",chandler,great!  this babyd better to be really good.
monica,"oh, im glad. listen, i want to apologize about chandler, though. i just did not see this coming.",chandler,new york is awesome!
monica,what is with you?,chandler,"yeah, ive been to these places before, but ive never really seen them, you know."
erica,"well, if there is anything else you wanna know...",chandler,"oh, uhm, okay, uhm, do you mind if we ask you some questions about the father?"
erica,"oh, sure. yeah, well, he was my high school boyfriend. captain of the football team, really cute and he got a scholarship and went off to college.",chandler,thats great.
erica,"well, there is a chance its another guy. i mean, i have only ever been with two guys, but they sorta overlapped.",chandler,"so, what does the other guy do? does he go to college too?"
erica,"no... he killed his father with a shovel.  but other than that, hes a great guy.",chandler,ill bet his dad doesnt think so.
monica,are you awake?,chandler,of course im awake. assume from now on that im always awake!
monica,"alright, we dont know that its him. i mean, it could be the football guy.",chandler,"honey, its us. of course its the shovel-killer."
monica,"alright, lets say that it is him, would we not want the baby? no! would we treat him any differently?",chandler,id keep an eye on him! we have to find out which one the father is.
monica,how?,chandler,"i dunno, arent there tests for these things, right?"
monica,"yeah, but maybe were just over-reacting.",chandler,"pff, easy for you to say, hes a father killer. he probably loves him mommy. hes probably got a tattoo that says mom on his shovel-wielding arm!"
ross,"thats right, sex is off the table.  i am never having sex with you again.  dr. green, are you feeling better?",chandler,hey! how was lunch?
erica,"we had a good time. by the way, i wanted to ask you something. it would really mean a lot to me, if the baby was a boy, that you name him after my father, jiminy billy bob",chandler,"oh, really?"
erica,"no!  you were right, that was fun! im gonna go finish packing.",chandler,"o-okay.  so, is she gonna take the test?"
monica,"nope, she doesnt have to, i found out who the father is.",chandler,"oh god. its shovely-joe, isnt it?"
monica,no its not.,chandler,how do you know?
erica,"well, it turns out that erica didnt pay much attention in sex ed class, because the thing she did with that prison guy... itd be pretty hard to make a baby that way.",chandler,oh god! what was it? the thing that we hardly ever do or the thing we never do?
monica,the thing we never do.,chandler,shovely joe!
all,great!,chandler,"you don’t have to stop having fun just because i’m here. kathy didn’t cheat on all of you.  well, except you."
joey,yeah.,chandler,would you give me one minute!! please.
rachel,oh yay!,chandler,"y’know, i can’t believe kathy did this too me. i really, thought that she was the one. i tell you what, from now on i’m never getting out of this chair, ever! okay? from now on, this chair is the one! you wanna what else is the one? my sweat pants!"
monica,hey! you’re wearing pants!,chandler,that’s right! where are the guys? i’m ready to get drunk and see some strippers.
monica,it’s 9:30 in the morning!,chandler,they got a breakfast buffet.
monica,"hello.  oh, hey ross!",chandler,"ooh, let me talk to him!"
monica,"oh-oh, my god!",chandler,"well, can i just…"
monica,"shh!!  wait, what?",chandler,she’s shhing me! it’s my phone and she’s shhing me!
rachel,they’re in vermont!! how could this happen?!,chandler,ow!
rachel,how—how did end up in vermont with that awful witch?!,chandler,"maybe, she doesn’t hit him all the time."
rachel,i don’t get this! she was horrible!,chandler,"okay, i’m going to go stand over there."
rachel,"oh, y’know, would you just for once, not remember every…little…thing!!",chandler,"so y’know, uh, when’s he getting back?"
monica,a couple of days.,chandler,"y’know, i knew something like this was going to happen."
monica,what are you doing?! chandler! you can’t just go back a phase!,chandler,"yes you can. you’re thinking about time, you can’t go back in time."
monica,"yeah, come on, we can be guys!",chandler,no you can’t.
phoebe,come on! let us be guys! maybe we want to be guys!,chandler,"you don’t want to be guys, you’d be all hairy and wouldn’t live as long."
phoebe,"y’know you, you just stop being such a wuss and get those off and you come with us and watch naked girls dance around!!",chandler,okay.
monica,"okay, i’ve got some ones, you wanna put them in her panties?",chandler,"no thanks, mom!"
monica,oh! and don’t let me leave without getting the name of that carpet guy.,chandler,"ahh, come on! y’know what—y’know what, i think i’m just gonna go home and call kathy."
phoebe,"well, if you think it will help.",chandler,"no! that was a test! in a couple of hours i’m gonna get really drunk and wanna call kathy and you guys are gonna have to stop me! and then after that, i’m gonna get so drunk, i’m gonna wanna call janice"
phoebe,you should! how is she?,chandler,ohhh!!
monica,"so, we did okay at the strip club, right?",chandler,"oh yeah, that was great. thanks to you, the hottest cocktail waitress there is quitting to teach the third grade!"
rachel,"no, i don’t.",chandler,"all right, well i’m gonna put my sweats back on."
phoebe,"oh no! wait! wait! okay, y’know what, you were right, you were right. we really weren’t great at being guys, but you know why? because we’re girls.",chandler,yeah?
phoebe,and do you know what girls are really good at?,chandler,stripping!
monica,"yeah. and y’know, if you wanna cry, that’s okay too.",chandler,"okay, look, i’m gonna have to ask you all to leave."
monica,come on! chandler!,chandler,"look, forget it. we tried, but phase three is a lost cause, okay? those strippers were insanely hot, and i couldn’t picture myself with any of them."
rachel,"oh my goodness, she had the smoothest skin! i mean when i stuck that dollar bill in her g-string and grazed her thigh…",chandler,phase three! i just achieved phase three!
monica,really?!,chandler,i am totally picturing you with all those women!
monica,that’s-that’s not phase three.,chandler,"well, i’m there too!"
rachel,"well, are we all together? like in a group?",chandler,stop it! you’re killing me! i think i just moved on to phase four!
phoebe,oh! what is that? what is that?,chandler,where i don’t want to have a relationship ever! i just want to have sex with strippers and my friends!!
joey,i don’t wanna.,chandler,please?
joey,i wanted to go to the strip club!,chandler,"i know, i know, but you’re gonna have plenty of chances. there are literally thousands of women out there just waiting to screw me over."
rachel,"no, happy for you!",chandler,"all right ladies, here’s what we’re gonna do.  you are gonna take off my clothes.  you two, go get the oils.  and you just constantly scream at the top of your voice, chandler’s the king! chandler’s the king!"
phoebe,"i-i wanna be with her,  i like her.",chandler,"oh, that’s fine! go with your instincts, go with your instincts."
monica,"wait, now, what am i doing again?",chandler,"come on! would you please pay attention, i could wake up at any moment!"
rachel,"no-no-no, that’ not joshua.",chandler,"what do you want from me, i’ve never met the guy. so anyway, rachel, i’m sorry you can’t stay,  but the rest of us have a lot of work to do.  what are you doing?  all right, listen, i’ve got to wake up!"
monica,absolutely.,chandler,"yeah, i think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, yknow? i mean its like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before pink floyd comes out."
ross,"yeah, and-and its not that we dont like the comedian, its that-that... thats not why we bought the ticket.",chandler,"the problem is, though, after the concerts over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, yknow? i mean, were in the car, were fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake."
ross,pregnant?!,chandler,"oh, i think this is the episode of threes company where theres some kind of misunderstanding."
monica,whose little ball of paper is this?!,chandler,"oh, uh, that would be mine. see, i wrote a note to myself, and then i realised i didnt need it, so i balled it up and...  ...now i wish i was dead."
monica,"look , im sorry, guys, i just dont wanna give them any more ammunition than they already have.",chandler,"yes, and we all know how cruel a parent can be about the flatness of a childs pillow."
monica,"thats because as far as my parents are concerned, ross can do no wrong. ysee, hes the prince. apparently they had some big ceremony before i was born.",chandler,"ew, ew, ew, ew ew ew ew ew!"
monica,what?,chandler,ugly naked guy got a thighmaster!
phoebe,doy! probably right before she lost it!,chandler,you dont get a lot of doy these days...
rachel,"i know i had it this morning, and i know i had it when i was in the kitchen with...",chandler,...dinah?
rachel,"oh, but look how straight those noodles are!",chandler,"now, monica, you know thats not how you look for an engagement ring in a lasagne..."
monica,i just... cant do it.,chandler,boys? were going in.
ross,"yeah. do that for another two hours, you might be where i am right about now.",chandler,"kinda puts that whole pillow thing in perspective, huh, mon?"
monica,what does she mean by involved?,chandler,"i mean presumably, the biggest part of your job is done."
phoebe,"yeah. we dont speak. shes like this high-powered, driven career type.",chandler,what does she do?
monica,"chandler, youre an only child, right? you dont have any of this.",chandler,"well, no, although i did have an imaginary friend, who... my parents actually preferred."
joey,what are we supposed to be seeing here?,chandler,"i dunno, but.. i think its about to attack the enterprise."
monica,"okay, the red ones are my guests and the blue ones are yours.",chandler,"this is so sad. i mean, i only have like ten pins."
joey,well-well—see? parents are comin’!,chandler,y’know i think we should invite them.
monica,"oh please, you just want more blue pins.",chandler,well this is just sad!
rachel,"so now, these are all the tuxedos that we make and if there’s anything that you like, we can make you a deal. anything at all.  but these are the three that monica pre-approved.",chandler,"well, thanks a lot for hookin’ me up rach. i want you to know that i want you to attend our wedding as my guest."
rachel,i’m monica’s maid of honor. okay? don’t try to blue pin me!,chandler,"well, what’s the deal with these? these-these look nice."
rachel,oh they are nice. we-we custom-make tuxedos for celebrities and then when they’re done with them they just send ‘em back.,chandler,you mean like for award shows?
rachel,some of them.,chandler,"you mean these tuxes have been down the red carpet with people yelling, you are you wearing?! you look fabulous!"
rachel,"honey, might i suggest watching a little more espn and a little less e!?",chandler,"okay, who wore those?"
rachel,"umm, well let’s see uh, this one is tom brokaw.",chandler,not bad.
rachel,this one is uh paul o’neil.,chandler,who’s that?
rachel,"he plays for the yankees. seriously, espn! just once and a while, have it on in the background.  ooh, this one was pierce brosnan!",chandler,pierce brosnan?
rachel,uh-huh.,chandler,are you serious?
rachel,yeah.,chandler,007?! this is james bond’s tux?!
rachel,yeah.,chandler,"oh, i have to get married in james bond’s tux!"
rachel,it’s a pretty cool tux.,chandler,"oh, it’s not just that, i would be england’s most powerful weapon. jet setting heartbreaker on her majesty’s secret service. a man who fears no one; with a license to kill.  would monica let me wear this?"
ross,hey! guess what i got for your wedding!,chandler,a freakish thin date with a hanger for her head?
ross,"no. rachel hooked me up with a tux! but not just any tux, batman’s tux!",chandler,what?
ross,that’s right! made expressly for val kilmer and worn by him in the hit film…that batman film he was in.,chandler,you can’t wear that! i’m wearing the famous tux! james bond’s tux!
ross,so?,chandler,so—if you wear that you’ll make mine less special.
ross,"well, you need something to make this day special? hello! you-you-you have the most special thing of all! you are marrying the woman you love.",chandler,"please, don’t take away my cool thing. please?! pretty please?!"
ross,"pretty please? not very uh, 007.",chandler,"look, it’s my wedding day okay? if you were getting married i would never do anything to upset you."
ross,when i got married you slept with my sister.,chandler,that was pretty 007.
phoebe,really?!,chandler,ross is batman!
monica,"well, he did manage to keep his identity secret for a long time.",chandler,rachel got ross the tuxedo that val kilmer wore in batman. okay batman is so much cooler than james bond!
monica,what are you talking about?! 007 has all those gadgets!,chandler,batman has a utility belt!
monica,007 has a fancy car!,chandler,batman has the batmobile!
monica,007 gets all the ladies.,chandler,batman has robin!  we get espn right?
monica,how about you go put on your 007 tuxedo and i’ll make you a nice martini.,chandler,"actually, i don’t like martinis."
monica,how about a youhoo with a funny straw?,chandler,"ooh, yum!"
ross,gunther.  hey-hey! why don’t we put them on? y’know get a picture of batman and james bond together.,chandler,i would but mine doesn’t fit. the pants are a little tight.
ross,well that stinks. i was looking forward to us wearing our celebrity tuxes together.,chandler,"well, does that mean that you’re not going to wearing yours?"
ross,what are you kidding? it’s batman’s tux!!,chandler,let me try it on!
ross,"okay, but just the jacket. double-oh and seven are not gettin’ in there.",chandler,okay. holy double-vented comfort batman!  what’s this?
ross,what?,chandler,an invitation for the at first sight premiere? oh my god! val kilmer didn’t wear this in batman! he wore it to the premiere of some tooty-fruity love story where he played a blind guy!
ross,let me see that!  oh man!,chandler,the only superpower you have is a slightly heightened sense of smell.
monica,oh.,chandler,"well, you’re welcome. and tell them we’re really glad they’re coming."
phoebe,i’ve had better. ending credits,chandler,all right! i found one that fits!
rachel,"well y’know what they say, the 23rd time’s the charm.  aww, look at you all handsome!",chandler,whose is it?
rachel,oh does it matter?! all that matters is that you look so handsome.,chandler,whose is it?
rachel,i don’t want to say.,chandler,"oh, come on! i don’t care! come on! whose is it?"
monica,"okay! i’ll be right out. i’m slipping into something a little less comfortable, and a little more slutty.",chandler,‘candy and cookie’. ‘candy and cookie?’ monica got me porn?! girl-on-girl porn?! she really must love me!!
monica,"chandler, if you thought i was going to get you porn for valentine’s day…  you were right! apparently, it’s about a young girl who moves to the big city, you know, in search of stardom, but ends up having sex with a lot of guys! yeah, it got four starts!  oh, wait a minute. those aren’t stars. anyway, you want to take a look?",chandler,"oh, beautiful? really? beautiful? you think this is beautiful?"
monica,that’s better. 90 seconds is a long time not to think about it…except all i did was think about it.,chandler,"you know, it haunts me? up ‘til now, the worst thing i ever saw, was my father doing tequila shots off the naked houseboy. after this, i would gladly make that my screensaver!"
monica,okay.,chandler,okay. now all we’ve got to do is get rid of this chair.
rachel,"hi! i’m so sorry to barge in on your valentine’s, but i had to get away from all the yelling. mona is dumping ross.",chandler,poor ross.
rachel,"c’mon, seriously, you guys, you’re not going to make me watch this alone!",chandler,"this reminds me of a very specific part of the tape.  okay, here we go."
rachel,pardon?,chandler,"nothing, just a little extra air in my mouth. pffft. pffffffft."
joey,"hey, chan, can you help me out here? i promise ill pay you back.",chandler,"oh, yeah, right, ok... inlcuding the waffles last week, you now owe me... 17 jillion dollars."
joey,"i will, really. ill pay you back this time.",chandler,... and wheres this money coming from?
phoebe,"weve got the ground-up flesh of formerly cute cows and turkeys, ew...",chandler,men are here.
joey,we make fire. cook meat.,chandler,"then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back."
joey,"well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me.",chandler,crazy bitch.
joey,hey!,chandler,hey!
ross,"no no, this big pile of dishes in my moms breakfront. do you guys know who carl is?",chandler,"uh, lets see... alvin... simon... theodore.... no."
joey,oh no! how can she do that when shes never shown any interest in you?!?,chandler,forget about her.
joey,"hes right, man. please. move on. go to china. eat chinese food.",chandler,"course there, they just call it food."
joey,"we want you to be happy. and i may only have a couple beers in me, but... i love you, man.",chandler,im still on my first. i just think youre nice.
joey,"like the three musketeers, only with fruit.",chandler,ooooh.
rachel,"well, thank you, melanie.",chandler,"ok, this one right here is from me."
melanie,there is a little child inside this man!,chandler,"yes, the doctors say if they remove it, hell die."
rachel,whos this from?,chandler,"oh, thats rosss."
rachel,"it was like months ago. we were walking by this antique store, and i saw this pin in the window, and i told him it was just like one my grandmother had when i was a little girl. oh! i cant believe he remembered!",chandler,"well, sure, but can you play it on a plane?"
monica,i cant believe he did this.,chandler,"come on, ross? remember back in college, when he fell in love with carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?"
rachel,what did you just say?,chandler,ahem... um... crystal duck.
rachel,"no, no, no.... the, um, the... love part?",chandler,f-hah.... flennin....
rachel,oh.... my god.,chandler,"oh, no-no-no-no-no...."
phoebe,"i know. this is really, really huge.",chandler,no its not. its small. its tiny. its petite. its wee.
phoebe,nuh-uh. i dont think any of our lives are ever gonna be the same ever again.,chandler,"ok, is there a mute button on this woman?"
rachel,"ross? all this time? well, ive got to talk to him.",chandler,h-hes in china!
monica,"no, no, wait.  his flight doesnt leave for another forty-five more minutes.",chandler,what about the time difference?
monica,from here to the airport?,chandler,yes!  youre never gonna make it!
rachel,i-i-i dont know.,chandler,well then maybe you shouldnt go.
rachel,"noooo... look, all i know is that i cannot wait a week until i see him. i mean, this is just too big. yknow, i just, ive just gotta talk to him. i... i gotta... ok, ill see you later.",chandler,"rachel, i love you! deal with me first!"
monica,then why the hell are you dumping my brother?!?,chandler,"hey, big..."
joey,shhhh!,chandler,...spender.
joey,shes still asleep.,chandler,so howd it go?
joey,"oh, it was amazing. you know how you always think youre great in bed?",chandler,the fact that youd even ask that question shows how little you know me.
joey,"well, its like, last night, i couldnt do the thing that usually makes me great. so i had to do all this other stuff. and the response i got... man, oh man, it was like a ticker tape parade!",chandler,"yes, i know, as it happens my room is very very close to the parade route."
joey,"it was amazing! and not just for her... uh-uh. for me, too. its like, all of a sudden, im blind. but all my other senses are heightened, yknow? its like... i was able to appreciate it on another level.",chandler,i didnt know you had another level.
joey,seven hundred bucks!,chandler,"alright, you did it! do we have any fruit?"
joey,"man, hell of a two weeks, huh? yknow what, though? i really feel like i learned something.",chandler,"really? so, youre gonna stick with this its all for her thing?"
phoebe,oh no!you guys arent supposed to get divorced for 7 years!,chandler,"what? no, im taking monica to a romantic inn in vermont !"
phoebe,"oh, good!ok, good for you!try to recapture the magic!",chandler,"so, what do you say? can you get out of work?"
monica,"oh, honey!i cant. i was just telling these guys that things are crazy at the restaurant!",chandler,are you really that busy?
monica,"yeah, im sorry. i really am.",chandler,"oh, thats ok.ill just try and reschedule.  hi, this is chandler bing. i made a reservation there and i need to change it  oh, what do you mean its not refundable? can i just come some other time?  oh, cant you make an exception?"
phoebe,and tell them that in 2 weeks i will once again be a masseuse in good standing!,chandler,"look, this is ridiculous! im not paying for that room! ok?  oh, thank you very much!  yeah, im going to vermont..."
ross,"oh, dont worry about it! just use your travel insurance.",chandler,i dont have travel insurance.
phoebe,": it wasnt just that she was fat, the woman smelled like garbage! everyone! it wasnt just that she was fat the woman smelled like garbaaaaaage!  classy, uh?",chandler,"hi, chandler bing, i have a reservation."
receptionist,"welcome to the chestnut inn mr. bing, so where are you joining from?",chandler,new york.
ross,the big apple!,chandler,"im sorry, hes a little bit wound up, we had to stop at every maple candy stand on the way here."
receptionist,"i am sorry mr. bing, theres no record of your reservation in the computer.",chandler,"well, thats impossible, can you check again, please?"
ross,not there.,chandler,"let me get this straight. i called yesterday trying to cancel my reservation and i was told it was not refundable, then we drove six hours all the way up here and now you tell me that we dont have a reservation?"
ross,she doesnt know what to say!,chandler,just give us the cheapest room you have.
receptionist,"unfortunatly the only thing we have available is our deluxe suite, the rate is six hundred dollars.",chandler,thats insane!
ross,"totally insane. dude, lets drive home, well hit all the maple candy stores on the way back and if...if theyre closed maybe well tap a tree and make some ourselves.",chandler,does that room have a closet i can lock him in?  well take it.
receptionist,great.,chandler,what!? they are totally ripping us off!
ross,"dude, dont worry bout it! i know how we can make your money back! this is a nice hotel, you know, plenty of amenities, we just load up on those! like those apples. instead of taking one, im... i take six!",chandler,"great, at a hundred dollars an apple, were there!"
ross,"cmon, you get the idea, ow-ow-ow well make our money back in no time!",chandler,"dude, youre shaking!"
(chandler enters the room)ross,what did you get?,chandler,usa today
ross,"nice, put it with the others.",chandler,and i also got... two more apples.
ross,"we are four short of a bush-o . god i feel so alive, i love being in the country!",chandler,i also got this great salt and pepper shaker from the restaurant.
ross,"no, chandler, you have to find the line between stealing and taking what the hotel owes you. for example: hair drier, no, no, no, but shampoo and conditioners, yes, yes, yes.  now, the salt shaker is off-limits, but the salt  i wish id thought this through.",chandler,"i think i know what you mean though...the lamp is the hotels, but the bulbs ...oh, you already got that."
ross,"not my first time in a hotel, my friend.",chandler,"ok, how about this ?"
ross,"no, no, no, you cant take the remote control!",chandler,"yes, but the batteries..."
ross,lets celebrate with some maple candy!,chandler,no!
receptionist,"heres your copy of the bill, we hope you enjoyed your stay.",chandler,"oh we did, and you still have all your lamps."
"(they make as if to go, but ross notices something)ross",oh my god.,chandler,what?
ross,theres something new in the bowl.,chandler,"look, we have enough, just walk away."
ross,"no, but i want...i want the pinecones!",chandler,theres a forest right outside.
ross,its not the same.,chandler,"ok, go quick!"
(joey and rachel continue to look at each other in silence for a while)joey,thanks dude!!!this is great!!,chandler,i got you something from vermont!
phoebe,i know.,chandler,are there no conscious men in the city for you two?
euphoria unbound,the always interesting nora tyler bing. you might wanna put the kids to bed for this one.,chandler,"yknow, we dont have to watch this. weekend at bernies is on showtime, hbo, and cinemax."
joey,"cmon, shes your mom!",chandler,"exactly. weekend at bernies! dead guy getting hit in the groin twenty, thirty times! no?"
rachel,"chandler, i gotta tell you, i love your moms books! i love her books! i cannot get on a plane without one! i mean, this is so cool!",chandler,"yeah, well, you wouldnt think it was cool if youre eleven years old and all your friends are passing around page 79 of mistress bitch."
ross,"cmon, chandler, i love your mom. i think shes a blast.",chandler,you can say that because shes not your mom.
phoebe,your mom was arrested?,chandler,"shhh, busy beaming with pride."
mrs. bing,"...this is kind of embarrassing, but occasionally after ive been intimate with a man...",chandler,now why would she say thats embarrassing?
mrs. bing,...i just get this craving for kung pow chicken.,chandler,thats too much information!!
all,awww!,chandler,this is the way that i find out. most moms use the phone.
mrs. bing,"oh no, i am a fabulous mom! i bought my son his first condoms.",chandler,...and then he burst into flames.
mrs. bing,i am famished. what do i want...,chandler,please god dont let it be kung pow chicken.
mrs. bing,"oh, you watched the show! whatd you think?",chandler,"well, i think you need to come out of your shell just a little."
mrs. bing,"oooh, cmon, shut up, its fun. gimme a hug. well, i think were ready for some tequila.",chandler,i know i am.
mrs. bing,"oh, please, honey, listen, if i can do it, anybody can. you just start with half a dozen european cities, throw in thirty euphemisms for male genitalia, and bam! you have got yourself a book.",chandler,"myyy mother, ladies and gentlemen."
joey,"you dont kiss your friends mom! sisters are okay, maybe a hot-lookin aunt... but not a mom, never a mom!",chandler,what are you guys doing out here?
joey,"yeah, well you didnt call and leave your grip size.",chandler,"okay, you guys spend waaaay too much time together."
phoebe,"really? not even to, um, change his pajamas?!",chandler,oh my god.
ross,youre my friend. i-i had to tell you.,chandler,i cant believe it. paolo kissed my mom?
ross,"yeah, um, i dont know if you noticed, but he had a lot to drink, and you know how he gets when hes drun..uh...  i cant do this, i did it, it was me, im sorry, i kissed your mom.",chandler,what?
ross,"i was really upset about rachel and paolo, and i think i had too much tequila, and nora- um, mrs. mom- your bing- was just being nice, yknow, and- but nothing happened, nothing- ask joey, joey, uh, came in-",chandler,you knew about this?
joey,"uh... yknow, knowledge is a tricky thing.",chandler,"i spent the entire day with you, why didnt you tell me?!"
ross,"thanks, man, big help.",chandler,i cant believe this! what the hell were you thinking?
ross,"i wasnt- i mean, i-",chandler,"yknow, of all my friends, no-one knows the crap i go through with my mom more than you."
ross,i know-,chandler,i cant believe you did this.
joey,"me neither, yknow what-",chandler,im still mad at you for not telling me.
ross,chandler-,chandler,you gotta let me slam the door!
rachel,"okay, that was phoebe buffay, everybody. woo!",chandler,what was that?
ross,"oh, uh, phoebe just started a...",chandler,"yeah, i believe i was talking to joey, alright there, mother-kisser?"
ross,"chandler, can i just say something? i-i know youre still mad at me, i just wanna say that there were two people there that night. okay? two sets of lips.",chandler,"yes, well, i expect this from her. okay? shes always been a freudian nightmare."
ross,"okay, well, if she always behaves like this, why dont you say something?",chandler,"because its complicated, its complex- hey, you kissed my mom!"
ross,were rehearsing a greek play.,chandler,thats very funny. we done now?
ross,"no! okay, you mean, youre not gonna talk to her, youre not gonna tell her how you feel?",chandler,"that would be no. look, just because you played tonsil tennis with my mom doesnt mean you know her. alright? trust me, you cant talk to her."
mrs. bing,"cars waiting downstairs, i just wanted to drop off these copies of my book for your friends. anything you want from lisbon?",chandler,"no, just knowing youre gonna be there is enough."
mrs. bing,"alright, well, be good, i love you.",chandler,you kissed my best ross! ...or something to that effect.
mrs. bing,"o-kay. look, it, it was stupid.",chandler,really stupid.
mrs. bing,"really stupid. and i dont even know how it happened. im sorry, honey, i promise it will never happen again. are we okay now?",chandler,yeah. no. no...
mrs. bing,"you okay, kiddo?",chandler,"yeah, okay."
mrs. bing,alright.,chandler,nice save.
mrs. bing,mr. geller.,chandler,hey.
ross,you mean that?,chandler,"yeah, why not.  so i told her."
ross,yeah? howd it go?,chandler,awful. awful. couldnta gone worse.
ross,"well, howdya feel?",chandler,pretty good! i told her.
joey,suck-fest.,chandler,toootal chick-flick.
ross,"alright, ive gotta go. cmon, marcel! cmon! were gonna go take a bath. yes we are, arent we? yes, we are.",chandler,"theyre still just friends, right?"
ross,"pwease, aunt monica, pwease? oh, unclench. youre not even gonna be there.",chandler,i cant believe we are even having this discussion.
joey,"i agree. im, like, in disbelief.",chandler,"i mean, dont you think if things were gonna happen with rachel, they wouldve happened already?"
ross,"well, i think its perfect. yknow, its just gonna be the two of us, she spent all day taking care of my monkey...",chandler,i cant remember the last time i got a girl to take care of my monkey.
ross,"anyway, i figured after work id go pick up a bottle of wine, go over there and, uh, try to woo her.",chandler,"hey, yknow what you should do? you should take her back to the 1890s, when that phrase was last used."
phoebe,"whoah, ooh, why is the air in here so negative?",chandler,rachel lost marcel.
joey,alright alright. youre a monkey. youre loose in the city. where do you go?,chandler,"okay, its his first time out, so hes probably gonna wanna do some of the touristy things. ill go to cats, you go to the russian tea room."
phoebe,dun-dun-duuuur! sorry.,chandler,marcel?
joey,marcel?,chandler,marcel?
woman no. 1,"hi, can i help you?",chandler,"um, were kind of having an emergency and we-we were looking for something..."
joey,a monkey.,chandler,yes have you seen any?
woman no. 1,just a sec.  hope you find your monkey.,chandler,"oh, nononowaitwaitwaitnono! uh... we may not know anything about radiators per se, but we do have a certain amount of expertise in the heating and cooling... mileu."
joey,"uh, arent we kind of in the middle of something here?",chandler,"yes, but these women are very hot, and they need our help! and theyre very hot."
joey,"we cant, alright?  were sorry. you have no idea how sorry, but... we promised wed find this monkey. if you see him, hes about yea high and answers to the name marcel, so if we could get some pictures of you, youd really be helping us out.",chandler,"okay, from now on, you dont get to talk to other people."
joey,marcel?,chandler,marcel?!
monica,thats because im in front of them.,chandler,eh. i thought that was an alp.
joey,"i dunno, i loved high school. yknow? it was just four years of parties and dating and sex.",chandler,"yeah, well i went to boarding school with four hundred boys. any sex i had wouldve involved a major lifestyle choice."
tag,hey.,chandler,she’s not as pretty as she was when she was 29.
rachel,late thirties? oh come on you guys! is it just me? am i overreacting to this?,chandler,"no rach, it’s not just you. my thirtieth birthday certainly wasn’t that much fun."
ross,"how hot do i look in this, huh?!",chandler,"ross, a sports car? wouldn’t it have been cheaper to just stuff a sock down there?"
monica,weren’t you asked to leave sonny?,chandler,would you put that back on?! monica’s gonna be here any minute!
joey,but it hurt’s my joey’s apple.,chandler,"okay, for the last time. it’s not named for each individual man."
mrs. geller,you’ve done a wonderful job with this party chandler. everything looks so lovely.,chandler,"oh well, not as lovely as you. i mean, i can’t believe that you would have a thirty-year-old daughter!  and you! i can’t believe that you would have a tux that’s thirty years old!"
mr. geller,it’s older than that. ross was actually conceived right near this tuxedo.,chandler,ohh!
rachel,hey! everybody hide! hide! i saw her! she’s coming!,chandler,okay! okay! everybody down! everybody down!
mr. geller,crap.,chandler,"okay, everybody stay here. i will find out what’s going on."
monica,heyyy!! you got the door open!!,chandler,hey-hey are you drunk?
monica,"nooo!  okay.  whoa!  okay. see i was, i was a little nervous about turning  thirty.  so the bus boys took me out for some drinks.  i wanna puke on you later!",chandler,"okay, here is the thing. we have thrown a very formal surprise party for you in there! all of your friends are in there and your parents!"
monica,noo!!!,chandler,yes!
monica,noo!!,chandler,yes!!
monica,oh no! my parents have never seen me drunk!  that they know of.,chandler,"okay, here’s the thing. we’re gonna get you some coffee and they will never know that you’re drunk."
monica,really?! you promise?,chandler,"yeah, i’ll take care of it."
monica,okay. i love you so much.,chandler,okay we have to do something about your breath.
monica,what about your breath?!,chandler,"that’s still yours. okay, now remember it’s a surprise party. so, when you go in, act surprised."
monica,okay. i can do that.,chandler,okay.
ursula,"right, okay, then no.",chandler,"okay before we start the celebration, monica has to go put on her party dress."
monica,yay!,chandler,see?  here we go.
monica,paul!,chandler,phil.
monica,phil!,chandler,"now, there is a dress laid out on your bed.  okay,  you’re doing great. you’re doing great. you’re doing fine."
phoebe,"hey, what’s going on?",chandler,monica’s a little drunk.
monica,awwwww…,chandler,go change!  she doesn’t want her parents to know she’s drunk.
rachel,what’s-what’s going on? phil’s really pissed!,chandler,monica’s wasted.
ross,maybe that will liven up this party.,chandler,"okay, will you just go help her change please!"
rachel,"no! no-no, i love it. thank you.",chandler,"okay, open ours next. open ours next!"
joey,"now that you’re a couple, we don’t get two presents from you guys?",chandler,"for my last birthday you gave me a hug!  okay, read the card! read the card!"
rachel,"okay.  happy birthday grandma! it’s better to be over the hill  then buried under it.  all our love monica and chandler.  that’s funny, yeah!",chandler,no-no-no-no! that was the joke!
rachel,"no, i know! i get it! it’s funny!",chandler,"no, because you’re not a grandmother!"
ross,you’re drunk! mom and dad are gonna be maaaaadd! maybe i’m a little drunk.,chandler,oh that’s great! right there! can we get some of that over here please?  there we go.
joey,hey! are those crab cakes?  did i not tell ya to come straight to me when more crab cakes were ready?,chandler,how are you feeling?
ross,i really wish that you wouldn’t.,chandler,"now all you have to do is just get through a little bit more, okay? then we can put you in bed, okay? just smile and don’t talk to anyone."
phoebe,speech! speech! let’s hear from the birthday girl! huh?,chandler,pheebs!!
mrs. geller,"oh-ho, i think it’s nice.",chandler,i think it’s necessary.
monica,oh man!,chandler,what?
ross,lift!! and slide!,chandler,"okay, here we go."
rachel,"yeah, i’m sorry.",chandler,hey! how’d it go?
joey,i don’t like this anymore.,chandler,"well, here we are, just a bunch of thirty year olds."
phoebe,"well, his name is parker and i met him at the drycleaners.",chandler,"oooh, did he put a little starch in your bloomers?  who said that?"
monica,"yes! every year ross makes the toast, and it’s always really moving, and always makes them cry. well this year i’m going to make them cry.",chandler,and you wonder why ross is their favorite?
joey,are you kidding me? watch!  well i can’t do it with you guys watching me!,chandler,what are you doing?
monica,"oh i’m working on my toast for the party, or as i like to call it. sob fest 2002. hey check this out.",chandler,it’s a dog.
monica,it’s a dead dog. that’s chi-chi; she died when i was in high school.,chandler,it’s your parents’ anniversary and you’re going to talk about their dead pet?
rachel,"hey, do you guys have any extra ribbon?",chandler,"yeah, sure. what do you need? we got lace, satin, sateen, raffia, gingham, felt,  and i think my testacles may be in here too."
parker,"no, no, no wait! don’t tell me. let me guess.  joey, monica, ross, rachel and, i’m sorry phoebe didn’t mention you.  chandler, i’m kidding all ready you’re my favorite!",chandler,ha!
monica,"okay, i got my note cards.  do you got the presents?",chandler,yeah.
parker,"what a beautiful place. what a great night! i have to tell you, being here with all of you in event room c…i feel so lucky. i think of all the good times that have happened here. the birthdays, the proms, the mitzvahs both bar and bat, but none of them will compare with tonight! my god, i don’t want to forget this moment! it’s like i want to take a mental picture of you all! click!",chandler,i don’t think the flash went off.
parker,come on!,chandler,somewhere there is someone with a tranquilizer gun and a huge butterfly net looking for that man.
parker,"no, they look too weird.",chandler,what are you doin’?
monica,just going over my toast. those two will never know what hit ‘em. i can’t wait. they’re going to be crying so hard. they’re going to be fighting for breath.,chandler,"ya know if you want to, i can just hold them down and you could ."
rachel,"ok, well, not a problem. well just use them to stop the bleeding. ok. baggage claim? ok.",chandler,no way!
monica,"guys, you got your hair cut.",chandler,"yes, yes, we did, thanks to vidal buffay."
rachel,"airport, airport. ross, not alone, julie, arm around her. cramp, cramp.",chandler,"ok, i think shes trying to tell us something. quick, get the verbs."
ross,"yeah, its really 6:00 tomorrow night our time.",chandler,"well, listen, dont tell us whats gonna happen though, cause i like to be surprised."
ross,thank you.,chandler,"hey, rach, can i get..."
rachel,did you talk to him?,chandler,not yet.
rachel,"then, no.",chandler,"so what the hell happened to you in china? i mean, when last we left you, you were totally in love with, you know."
ross,"i know, i know i was, but there was always this little voice inside that kept saying its never gonna happen, move on. you know whose voice that was?",chandler,god?
ross,"it was you, pal.",chandler,"well, maybe it was god, doing me."
ross,"look, you were right. she looks at me and sees a friend, thats all. but then i met julie, and i dont know, were havin a great time. and i have to say, i never wouldve gone for it with her if it hadnt been for you.",chandler,"well, you owe me one, big guy."
rachel,"go-go-go-go, come on!   so uh, what did you find out?",chandler,"he said...he said, he said that theyre having a great time. im sorry. but, the silver lining, if you wanna see it, is that he made the decision all by himself! without any outside help whatsoever."
rachel,how is that the silver lining?,chandler,you have to really wanna see it.
ross,hello? hi.,chandler,hi. anybody know a good tailor?
joey,needs some clothes altered?,chandler,"no, no, im just looking for a man to draw on me with chalk."
joey,"why dont you go see frankie? my familys been goin to him forever. he did my first suit when i was 15. no wait, 16. no, scuse me, 15.  all right, when was 1990?",chandler,okay. you have to stop the q-tip when theres resistance!
rachel,"i know you did. im just gonna deal with it, im just gonna deal with it.  i gotta get out of here.",chandler,"ok, i dont care what you guys say, somethings bothering her."
rachel,"well, i sorta did a stupid thing last night.",chandler,what stupid thing did you do?
monica,"honey, youre not pathetic, youre sad.",chandler,people do stupid things when theyre upset.
phoebe,"ok, youre gonna have to not touch my ass.",chandler,"well, in spite of the yummy bagels and palpable tension, ive got pants that need to be altered."
joey,"hey, chandler, when you see frankie, tell him joey tribbiani says hello. hell know what it means.",chandler,are you sure hes gonna be able to crack that code?
frankie,how long do you want the cuffs?,chandler,at least as long as i have the pants.
joey,"look, rach, rach! ive been with my share of women. in fact, ive been with like a lot of peoples share of women. the point is, ive never felt about anyone the way ross felt about you.",chandler,"yo, paisan! can i talk to you for a sec? your tailor is a very bad man!"
ross,"hey, whats goin on?",chandler,joeys tailor...took advantage of me.
joey,no way. ive been going to the guy for 12 years.,chandler,"oh come on! he said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite..."
ross,what?,chandler,cupping.
monica,thank you. my hair is very amused.,chandler,"come on, monica, things could be worse. you could get caught between the moon and new york city. i know its crazy, but its true."
joey,"hey, when the doctor does that hernia test...",chandler,thats ok.
rachel,youre welcome.,chandler,"yknow, i cant believe im getting my nails done! and you said it was gonna be fun!  which it kinda is. also, you said there would be other guys here. there are no other guys here!"
rachel,"chandler, there’s a guy right over there.",chandler,that’s a mailman! that’s our mailman!   hi. how are ya?
rachel,"chandler, don’t worry! this doesn’t make you any less of a guy!  that does!  what am i sitting on?  i hate to think what this woman was scratching when this broke off.",chandler,"hey, you know who used to have nails like that?"
rachel,"okay, good. now that since you know, when you come over would you mind actually using it?",chandler,hello!
monica,janice?!,chandler,isn’t this amazing?
janice,"i just came up to say, hi! hi!  and you, sweetie, i’ll see you tonight.",chandler,okay. bye.
janice,bye.,chandler,bye.
janice,bye.,chandler,bye.
janice,bye.,chandler,b-bye!
janice,bye-bye.,chandler,bye.   i can’t stand the woman!
phoebe,what?! i thought you were crazy about her!,chandler,"yeah, i know, but all of those little annoying things she did before we fell in love? like her voice, her laugh, her personality—well, they’re all back! y’know? and she’s picked up like nine new ones!"
joey,so what are you doing bringing her here?! there’s people here!,chandler,don’t worry about it. i’m taking care of it tonight.
rachel,you are not. you have never been able to break up with her.,chandler,"well, i don’t have to break up with her this time. we’re not involved! i’m going to do a pre-emptive strike! i’m going to end it with her before it starts. my ass is like frozen!"
janice,"oh boy, i just love to sing!",chandler,"yes, i-i know that you do, but i think one of the reasons people were complaining though, was that they paid to hear the actor sing old man river."
janice,"oh, look at us! who would’ve thought that cupid had a station at 14th street nails.",chandler,"okay, we have to talk. i’m just getting out of a very serious relationship…"
janice,"i know! and i’m just getting out of a marriage, i mean talk about meant to be!",chandler,right! i just think that this is happening too soon.
janice,"oh, too soon, too schmoon. face it honey, i am not letting you get away this time.",chandler,"i hear ya.  but! unfortunately, my company is transferring me overseas!"
janice,oh no! where to?  too paris?,chandler,"no! no! not, paris."
janice,"too london? no-no, rome? vienna? ooh-ooh, barcelona?",chandler,"okay, could you just stop talking for a second?  yemen. that’s right, yes, i’m being transferred to yemen!"
janice,when?,chandler,i don’t know exactly.
janice,"ugh, well i will just have to soak up every once of chandler bing until that moment comes.",chandler,but i do know that it’s some time tomorrow.
phoebe,janice.,chandler,"y’know uh, you didn’t really have to help me pack."
janice,"ohh, well when you said all you were going to be doing between now and the time you leave is packing, you didn’t really leave me much choice. did you?",chandler,"well, i-i thought i did but, i-i guess i did not!"
joey,"hey-hey, what’s going on?",chandler,"oh, i’m packing. y’know i’m-i’m packing ‘cause i’m moving to yemen tomorrow."
joey,thanks for telling me!,chandler,"i’m only going to pretend i’m moving to yemen, it’s the only way i can get rid off her."
janice,"okay, chandler, come on!",chandler,"okay.  joey, trade lives with me!"
joey,"all right, come on look, ross can take care of himself! it’s not like he’s…chandler!",chandler,thanks!
rachel,wow! if only more people knew.,chandler,"y’know you, really didn’t have to take me to the airport."
janice,"oh please. every moment is precious. y’know? besides, somebody had to ride in that other taxi with the rest of your luggage, and your friends don’t really seem to care too much that you’re leaving.",chandler,"well, we’re really not that close.  okay, so i guess this is uh, good-bye then."
janice,"on no! no! it’s not good-bye, i’m not leaving until you get on that plane.",chandler,"okay. then i guess it’s just, wait here then.   hi. i need one fake ticket to yemen."
ticket counter attendant,one ticket to yemen?,chandler,"oh no-no-no, no. no, no, no, i just, i just need a pretend ticket."
ticket counter attendant,"i’m sorry sir, i don’t understand.",chandler,what would you give to a kid if he wanted a ticket to play with?
ticket counter attendant,are you travelling with a child?,chandler,"no. all right, y’know what, she’s  gonna think that i’m handing you a credit card, but what i’m really gonna do is hand you a library card."
janice,what’s the matter? is something wrong? do you have to stay?,chandler,american express?
ticket counter attendant,this is the final boarding call for flight 664 to yemen.,chandler,"well, i-i guess i gotta go."
janice,"oh, my bing-a-ling. i’ll wait for you. do you even know how long you’re going to be gone?",chandler,"well, just until we find an energy source to replace fuel."
janice,"oh. well, i’ll right you everyday.  15 yemen road, yemen.",chandler,"okay, good-bye. good-bye."
janice,chandler?,chandler,no!
janice,chandler!,chandler,"janice! there you are! there you are! i had to have one last kiss, and also-also you said that you were going to leave right after i got on the plane!"
janice,no! no! i wanna see you take-off.,chandler,"well, i then guess i’m going to yemen! i’m going to yemen!  when we get to yemen, can i stay with you?"
all,"did not, she did not wink at you....",chandler,huh.
phoebe,"oh, okay that explains it. i got a call at two in the morning, but all i could hear was, like, this high squeaky sound, so i thought okay its like a mouse or a opossum. but then i realized where would a mouse or a opossum get the money to make the phone call.",chandler,morning.
joey,"morning, hey, you made pancakes?",chandler,"yeah, like theres any way i could ever do that."
joey,good morning.,chandler,"hey, you know what, heres a thought. why dont you stay home from work today and just hang out with me."
janice,"oh, i wish. look, honey, you have that report to finish, and i gotta go see my lawyer.",chandler,i can not believe that i am going out with someone that is getting divorced. im such a grown up.
janice,"i-i-i gotta go, i gotta go. okay, not without a kiss.",chandler,"well, maybe i wont kiss you, and then youll have to stay."
joey,b-bye janice. so when ya dumpin her.,chandler,"nope, not this time."
joey,"come on, quite yankin me.",chandler,im not yanking you.
joey,this is janice.,chandler,"yeah, i know. she makes me happy."
joey,"okay. all right. you look me in the eye and tell me, without blinking, that youre not breaking up with her. no blinking.",chandler,im not breaking up with her!
phoebe,"rach, look!  oh, hi! where is my strong ross skywalker to come rescue me.  there he is.",chandler,hey!
joey,wheel!,chandler,of!
joey,fortune! this guy is so stupid.  its count rushmore!!,chandler,"you know, you should really go on this show. all right, listen, i got three tickets to the rangers tonight. whatd ya say?"
joey,"i say, i am there! cool! aw, is ross going to?",chandler,"no, janice."
joey,"jan-ice. cause i, just, i feel bad for ross, you know, we-we always go together, were like the three hocke-teers.",chandler,"you know, i may be way out on a limb here, but do you, do you, have a problem with janice?"
joey,"no, yeeees. god, how do i say this. . oh, hi, you know that girl from the greek restaurant with the hair ?",chandler,"ooh, that girl that i hate, eww, drives me crazy, eww, eww, oh!"
joey,"look, i dont hate janice, shes-shes just a lot to take, you know.",chandler,"well, there you go."
joey,"oh, hey. come on man, dont look at me like that, she used to drive you nuts before too, remember?",chandler,"well, im crazy about her now. i think this could be the real thing. capital r! capital t!  dont worry, those are the right letters."
joey,"look, what do you want me to say?",chandler,i want you to say that you like her!
joey,"i cant. its like this chemical thing, you know. every time she starts laughing, i just wanna  pull my arm off just so that i can have something to throw at her.",chandler,"thanks for trying.  oh, and by the way there is no count rushmore!"
ross,women tell each other everything. did you know that?,chandler,"umm, yeah."
ross,"no chandler, everything! like stuff you like, stuff she likes, technique, stamina, girth....",chandler,"girth? why, why, why, wh-why, why, why, why would they do this?"
ross,"rachel says sharings great and supposedly, you know, we outta be doing it. do you wanna?",chandler,were not gonna talk about girth are we?
ross,nooo!,chandler,"yeah, okay."
ross,yeah?,chandler,yeah! all right! you go first.
ross,"okay, okay, ill go first.",chandler,okay.
ross,"so, uh, the other night rachel and i are in bed talking about fantasies, and i happened to describe a particular star wars thing....",chandler,princess leia in the gold bikini.
ross,yes!,chandler,i know!
ross,"yes! wow, well, that-that was easy. okay, you-you go.",chandler,okay.
ross,okay.,chandler,"okay, you know, you know when your in bed, with a woman."
ross,hmph.,chandler,"and, ah, you know, your fooling around with her. and you get all these like, mental images in your brain, you know, like elle macpherson, or that girl at the xerox place...."
ross,"with the belly-button ring? oh, muhawa!",chandler,"i know, and then all of the sudden your mom pops into your head. and your like mom, get outta here! you know, but of course, like, after that you cant possibly think of anything else, and you cant, you know, stop what your doing. so its kinda like, youre, you know. you know.... you dont know!"
ross,"your mom, your telling me, your telling me, about your mom, what is the matter with you?",chandler,you said...
joey,hey!,chandler,what are you guys doing together?
janice,joey and janices day of fun!!!,chandler,really.
janice,"i just came by to give you a kiss, i have to go pick up the baby, so. ill see you later sweetheart, you too chandler.",chandler,you still cant stand her can you?
joey,"im sorry man, i tired, i really did.",chandler,"well, you know, i appreciate you giving it a shot."
joey,"but, hey, look, you know the good thing is, is that we spent the whole day together and i survived, and whats even more amazing, so did she. it was bat day at shea stadium.",chandler,"well, i guess thats something."
joey,"no man, thats huge! now, i know i can stand to be around her, which means i get to hang out with you, which is kinda the whole point, anyway.",chandler,okay.
joey,"oh, hey, chandler, we, ah, we stopped by the coffee shop and ran into ross.",chandler,oh god!
joey,"hey, if it makes you feel any better, i do it too.",chandler,really?
phoebe,"hi, you guys.",chandler,hey!
phoebe,no! no! it’s just that he gave me three tickets and there are six of us!,chandler,i’ll give up my ticket.
phoebe,okay that’s so generous!,chandler,and i think ross is generous too.
rachel,hi!,chandler,hey!
ross,"okay, okay. uh, well uh, rachel is going to need to yell sweet nothings  in his ear.",chandler,ross.
paul,"thank you, it’s my mom’s. so this is the kitchen.",chandler,"you’ve reached monica and chandler’s, if you’re listening to this message, we’re probably screening.  yeah we are."
the museum official,"hi, this is heldi from the morgan chase museum. i’m calling for monica geller. i want to let her know that there was a cancellation and if she’s still interested in having the bing-geller wedding at our facility, it is available…",chandler,"this is chandler bing! this is chandler bing! yes, the groom—no! not the groom!!"
monica,"hi, honey.",chandler,see you later.
monica,"what? i-i bought groceries, i was gonna make you dinner!",chandler,well next time ask! or at least wait for me to ask!
monica,"oh please, he didn’t hear it! he didn’t hear it!!",chandler,this is chandler bing! this is chandler bing!
monica,"i’m so sorry. please, stop freaking out.",chandler,"i’m not freaking out. why would i be freaking out? a woman named heldi called and said we were getting married, but that happens everyday."
monica,"honey, we were at this beautiful place, and i-i-i just put our names down for fun! i mean, what’s the harm in that?",chandler,right here!
monica,"chandler, please don’t think i was trying to pressure you. phoebe and rachel…",chandler,"phoebe and rachel! so the people that knew about our wedding before me were you, phoebe and rachel, heldi, and apparently some band called starlight magic 7 who are available by the way!"
monica,"it was a mistake. please don’t take this to mean anything, because it doesn’t.",chandler,okay.
monica,really?,chandler,"yes, if it really doesn’t mean anything, because you know that i’m just not ready…"
monica,i know! i know.,chandler,okay.
phoebe,"hey, did she buy it?",chandler,totally.
phoebe,so did heldi show you the place?,chandler,"yeah, it’s beautiful."
phoebe,i can’t believe you’re gonna ask monica to marry you!,chandler,i know.
joey,great!,chandler,"no, look, thats it, its over, i want you out, i want you out of the apartment now."
eddie,"oh yeah, thats right, look i got us a new goldfish. hes a lot fiestier that the last one.",chandler,"maybe cause the last one was made by pepperidge farm. look eddie, isnt there something else youre supposed to be doing right now?"
eddie,"well, not unless its got something to do with dehydrating my man because right now im a dehydrating maniac!",chandler,look you have to help me out here. i thought we had a deal. i thought by the time...
joey,"ah, its career stuff. i dont know if you heard but they killed off my character on the show.",chandler,"why must everybody watch me sleep? therell be no more watching me sleep, no more watching."
eddie,"hey man, check it out, i got some great stuff to dehydrate here. i got some grapes, got some apricots, i thought it would be really cool to see what happens with these water balloons.",chandler,"you, move out. take your fruit, your stupid small fruit and get out!"
rachel,"ok, let me take these cakes back cause theyre gonna take that out of my paycheck.",chandler,"yes, yes i actually saw him leave. i mean that guy is standing in the window holding a human head. he is standing in the window holding a human head!"
eddie,"naah, i crapped out, but mr. 21 over here he cleans up, 300 bucks, check it out he buys me these new shoes, sweet huh?",chandler,"yeah, hes lived here for years, i dont, i dont know what youre talking about man."
joey,"na, na im ok. oh and uh, just so you know, im not movin back in cause i have to. well, i mean, i do have to. its just that that place wasnt really, i mean, this is...",chandler,"im gonna hold him a different way. look i dont understand, if you hated it so much, why did you buy it in the first place?"
joey,"well, i had a whole ceramic zoo thing goin over there but now, without the other ones, it just looks tacky.",chandler,"so is he housetrained or is he gonna leave little bathroom tiles all over the place? stay. good, stay! good fake dog."
phoebe,"ooh, this is cool...it says in some parts of the world, people actually eat the placenta.",chandler,"and, were done with the yogurt."
rachel,i know...,chandler,"ah, its just a weekend, big deal!"
joey,"i love babies, with their little baby shoes, and their little baby toes, and their little baby hands...",chandler,"ok, youre going to have to stop that, forever!"
joey,need a new table.,chandler,you think?
ross,"uh, never mind, i dont want to know.",chandler,"ok, so its just because it was my table, i have to buy a new one?"
joey,thats the rule.,chandler,"what rule? theres no rule, if anything, you owe me a table!"
joey,howd you get to that?,chandler,"well, i believe the piece of furniture was fine until your little breakfast adventure with angela delvecchio"
joey,you knew about that?,chandler,"well, lets just say the impressions you made in the butter left little to the imagination."
joey,"ok, ok, how about if we split it?",chandler,"what do you mean, like, buy it together?"
joey,yeah,chandler,you think were ready for something like that?
joey,why not?,chandler,"well, its a pretty big commitment, i mean, what if one of us wants to move out?"
joey,"why, are you moving out?",chandler,im not moving out.
joey,youd tell me if you were moving out right,chandler,"yeah, yeah, its just that with my last roommate kip..."
joey,"aw, i know all about kip!",chandler,"its just that we bought a hibachi together, and then he ran off and got married, and things got pretty ugly."
joey,"well, let me ask you something, was kip a better roommate than me?",chandler,"aw, dont do that"
joey,"hey, chandler, that table place closes at 7, come on.",chandler,fine.
joey,"whoa, store will be open tomorrow!",chandler,"more coffee over here, please!"
ross,thanks rach.,chandler,so what are you gonna do?
ross,"you have to tell her! you have to tell her! its your moral obligation, as a friend, as a woman, i think its a feminist issue! guys? guys?",chandler,"oh, yeah, you have to tell her."
joey,"will you pick one, just pick one! here, how about that one?",chandler,thats patio furniture!
joey,"so what, like people are gonna come in and think, uh-oh, im outside again? of course!",chandler,what about the birds?
joey,"i dont know, birds just dont say, hello, sit here, eat something.",chandler,you pick one.
joey,"all right, how about the ladybugs?",chandler,"oh, so, forget about the birds, but big red insects suggest fine dining!"
joey,"fine, you want to get the birds, get the birds!",chandler,"not like that, i wont!  kip would have liked the birds!"
phoebe,paolo made a pass at me.,chandler,"so, what do you think?"
ross,i think its the most beautiful table ive ever seen.,chandler,i know!
ross,"come on, two on one.",chandler,"what are you still doing here? she just broke up with the guy, its time for you to swoop in!"
joey,"yes, now is when you swoop! you gotta make sure that when paolo walks out of there, the first guy rachel sees is you, shes gotta know that youre everything hes not! youre like, like the anti-paolo!",chandler,"my catholic friend is right. shes distraught. youre there for her. you pick up the pieces, and then you usher in the age of ross!"
ross,"im having a boy! oh, im having a boy!",chandler,wha-
joey,hey!,chandler,hey!
joey,"uh, its 2:30 in the morning!",chandler,"yeah, get out!"
monica,"you guys are always hanging out in my apartment! come on, ill only use my left hand, huh? come on, wussies!  all right, ok, i gotta go. im going,  and im gone.",chandler,one more game?
joey,whoaa!!,chandler,"see joe, thats why your parents told you not to jump on the bed."
joey,hey.,chandler,hey.
joey,nooo. i had a story all worked out but then chandler sold me out.,chandler,"well, im sorry joe. i didnt think the doctor was gonna buy that it just *fell* out of the socket."
joey,"whoa, jam! i love jam!  hey, how come we never have jam at our place?",chandler,because the kids need new shoes.
ross,hey.,chandler,do i look fat?
ross and rachel,noo.,chandler,"okay, i accept that. when janice asked me and i said no, she took that to mean that i was calling her a cow."
rachel,"okay, walk us through it, honey, walk us through it.",chandler,"okay, well. janice said hi, do i look fat today? and i, i looked at her...."
ross,and it works both ways.,chandler,"okay, so you both just know this stuff?"
ross,"okay, for instance. lets say, janice is coming back from a trip and she gives you two options. option number 1 shell take a cab home from the airport. option 2 is you can meet her at baggage claim. which do you do?",chandler,"thats easy, baggage claim."
ross,"wrong! now youre single. its actually secret option number three, you meet her at the gate. that way she knows you love her.",chandler,"okay, this is good, this is good. all right listen, i have one. janice likes to cuddle, at night, which, you know im all for. but, uh, you know when you want to go to sleep, you want some space. so, uh, how do i tell her that without, you know, accidentally calling her fat or something."
rachel,good luck chandler.,chandler,thank you rachel.
ross,"okay the sleeping thing. very tricky business, but there is something you can do.",chandler,"well, i thought you guys were cuddlily sleepers."
ross,"noo! no, not cuddlily, not me, just her. im like you, i need the room. okay, come here.  okay, youre in bed...",chandler,yeah.
ross,im gonna use the cushion.,chandler,yeah.
ross,"okay, youre in bed. shes over on your side, cuddling. now you wait for her to drift off, and then you hug her  and roll her back over to her side of the bed. and then you rollll a-way. hug for her! roll for you.",chandler,"okay, the old hug and roll."
ross,yep.,chandler,"okay, one question."
ross,shoot.,chandler,youre pretending the pillows a girl right?
phoebe,"okay, first im not crazy. and second, say it dont spray it. anyway his name is malcom, and he wasnt following me, i mean he was, but cause he thought i was ursula, ick. and, thats why, thats why he couldnt just come up and talk to me. cause of the restraining order.",chandler,"umm, not feeling better bout malcom."
joey,aww.  ohh!,chandler,"hey, joe, i gotta ask. the girl from the xerox place buck naked , or, or a big tub of jam."
monica,"i figured out i need to charge seventeen bucks a jar just to break even. so, ive got a new plan now. babies.",chandler,"well, your gonna need much bigger jars."
monica,"it took me 28 years to find one man that i wanna spend my life with, if i have to wait another 28 years then, ill be 56 before i can have a baby, and thats just stupid.",chandler,"that, thats whats stupid."
janice,night-night bing-a-ling.,chandler,"night-night.....janice.  look at all that room on her side, you good fit a giant penguin over there. that would be weird though. okay, hug and roll time. im huggin, im huggin, your rollin, and....yes! freedom!  except for this arm! im stuck. stuck arm! okay, time for the old table cloth trick, one fluid motion. quick like a cat, quick like a cat! and 1...2...3!"
phoebe,"oh, okay.",chandler,"no, thats all right. i just had a jar of mustard."
monica,"okay, sperm donor number 03815, come on down! okay, hes 62, 170 pounds, and he describes himself as a male geena davis.",chandler,you mean theres more than one of us.
joey,"well, right after i did that sex study down at nyu.  hey, remember that sweater i gave you for your birthday?",chandler,and thats how you bought it?
phoebe,"what, hes not still following her. do you think he is still following her?",chandler,"pheebs, wake up and smell the restraining order."
ross,"hey.  uh, chan, can i uh, can i talk to you for a second?",chandler,sure. whats up?
phoebe,"hey! new wallet, huh?",chandler,"yeah, it was time. the old condom ring in the leather just doesn’t say ‘cool’ anymore."
monica,my god! is this a gym card?,chandler,"oh yeah, gym member. i try to go four times a week, but i’ve missed the last 1200 times."
ross,so why don’t you quit?,chandler,"you don’t think i’ve tried? you think i like having 50 dollars taken out of my bank account every month? no, they make you go all the way down there! then they use all of these phrases and peppiness to try and confuse you! then they bring out maria."
ross,who is maria?,chandler,"oh maria. you can’t say no to her, she’s like this lycra spandex covered gym…treat."
ross,you need me to go down there with you and hold your hand?,chandler,no!
ross,so you’re strong enough to face her on your own?,chandler,"oh no, you’ll have to come."
phoebe,"no, i made myself take an oath. yeah, no fooling around with clients and umm, always be prepared. yeah, that one’s actually from the boy scouts, but it just makes good sense.",chandler,why don’t you just give him to somebody else?
monica,wow! and you got a petticure. your feet are all dressed up.,chandler,because that’s the only part of you he can see when he’s on the table!
ross,"whoa-whoa-whoa, hey! now remember what we talked about, you gotta be strong.",chandler,yes.  yes!
ross,"one more time, hey, don’t you want a washboard stomach and rock hard pecs?",chandler,no! i want a flabby gut and saggy man breasts!
ross,good! that’s good!,chandler,okay.   i wanna quit the gym.
gym employee,you wanna quit?,chandler,i wanna quit the gym.
gym employee,you do realize that you won’t have access to our new full service swedish spa.,chandler,i wanna quit the gym.
gym employee,"sorry, members only.",chandler,i wanna quit the gym.
monica,"oh, would you let it go already?! you’re fine!",chandler,hey.
rachel,"hey! so, did you quit?",chandler,"no, i almost did, couldn’t leave ross there without a spotter!"
rachel,"oh, umm, i was just y’know working out and umm… oh, that’s it.",chandler,"we’re doomed. okay, they’re gonna take 50 bucks out of our accounts for the rest of our lives. what are we gonna do?"
ross,"or! or, we could go to the bank, close our accounts and cut them off at the source.",chandler,you’re a genius!
joey,"aww, man, now we won’t be bank buddies!",chandler,"now, there’s two reasons."
joey,"yeah! yeah! yeah! like-like when i’m doing something exciting and i don’t wanna get too excited, i just ahh, y’know try to thing of other things like ah sandwiches, and ah baseball, and ah chandler!",chandler,"thank you, joey."
ross,hello.,chandler,hi.
ross,no-no.,chandler,"no, we’d just like to close them."
ms. lambert,"hi, i’m karen.",chandler,i wanna quit the bank!
rachel,what are you ever gonna use that for?!,chandler,to pay for the gym.
mr. treeger,": hey duck, is chick here?",chandler,yeah… bunny-rabbit.
phoebe,"no. this game is grotesque. twenty armless guys joined at the waist by a steel bar, forced to play soccer forever. ahh, hello, human-rights violation.",chandler,"ya know phoebs, dont feel so bad for em. after theyre done playing, i break out the little plastic women and everybody has a pretty good time."
phoebe,"oh good, ok. oh nooo, i have to go because im late for my um, green eggs and ham discussion group. um tonight its why he would not eat them on a train. have fun bye.",chandler,whatre you kidding? i broke up with her. she actually thought that sean penn was the capital of cambodia.
richard,"hear that? she likes me best, and apparently thereve been a lot.",chandler,"oh, uh, hes not here right now, uh, im chandler, can i take a message, or, or a fishtank?"
eddie,"thats very interesting, ya know, cause thats exactly what someone who slept with her would say.",chandler,"this is nuts. this is crazy. she came over for like two minutes, dropped off a fish tank, and left, end of story."
monica,"its not gonna happen. theyre doing it tonight, we can do it tomorrow.",chandler,"because sometimes, phoebe after you sleep with someone, you have to kill the fish."
phoebe,"dead.  oh, its ok, no, he  was old, yeah! and he lived a full life, he was in the first wave at omaha beach.",chandler,"hey, im sorry, i should have given you guys my black book when i got married! although it wasnt so much a book as a... napkin. with janices phone number on it."
phoebe,"oh yes, they are.",chandler,hey honey!
joey,hi sweetie!,chandler,is monica not here?
joey,no.,chandler,"oh, then ill tell you. my agency was bidding for a big account and they got it! its my first national commercial!"
joey,cool!,chandler,"yeah, and i dont wanna brag but a lot of the ideas were mine!  hell, you werent there? all the ideas were mine!!!"
joey,"thats great! hey, can you cast me in it?",chandler,"oh... i dont know, i really dont think youre right for the part."
joey,"what do you mean? i can do anything, im a chameleon! huh?  im old!  im tired!  hey, im hot  im cold!! huh?? come on! what cant i do?",chandler,"first of all. bravo. uh, but i really dont think youre right for this. the part calls for a stuffy college professor."
joey,"i can do that!  hello, im your professor. when im not busy thinking of important things or... professing. i like to use... oh, whats the product?",chandler,software that facilitates inter-business networking e-solutions?
monica,"damn it, i did not think this through!",chandler,hey you guys.
joey,oh! any word on casting yet?,chandler,"joe, i told you, youre just not right for the part."
rachel,"im sorry, this sounds like something im never gonna be interested in. joey : look, cmon, please? its not like im asking for some crazy favour. this is what i do for a living. i am a professional actor!  oh, man, im two hours late for work! . look, heres a copy of my reels. its got all the commercials that ive been in.",chandler,joe...
joey,"just watch it, and if you dont like it, you dont pass it on to your bosses!",chandler,fine!
joey,thank you.,chandler,"work, joe!"
joey,just pass it to your boss!,chandler,"hes not right for the part. so if i suggest him, my bosses are gonna think im an idiot! and thats something they should learn on their own!"
rachel,"just tell joey that you watched the tape and you liked it, but your bosses didnt. then that way, youre the good guy and theyre the bad guys.",chandler,"thats good! i liked it, they didnt.  joey, for gods sake, go to work! ."
rachel,"no, no, thats ok. you won fair and square. im so sad!",chandler,hey joe!
joey,whats up?,chandler,bad news. i watched the tape and passed it along to my bosses and they werent interested.
joey,oh.,chandler,im sorry man.
joey,"but, ehm... you watched the tape?",chandler,"yeah! i... i... i liked it!  but, ehm... my bosses didnt go for it. stupid sons of bitches!"
joey,you didnt watch the tape.,chandler,what!? of course i did!
joey,"look, its one thing not to cast me, but to lie to me?",chandler,"im not lying to you, i watched it!"
joey,"well, you lied again!",chandler,i watched it!
joey,keep going pinocchio!,chandler,i did!
joey,no you didnt!,chandler,"im telling you, i watched the tape."
rachel,did you watch the tape?,chandler,no!
ross,oh come on!!,chandler,i cant believe joey. i hate being called a liar!
rachel,but you are a liar.,chandler,what did i just say?
joey,you still here?,chandler,"yes, and i have to say, i am not just hurt. i am insulted. when i tell somebody i did something..."
joey,"ok whoah-hey... let me just stop you right there, ok? first, you lied, right? then, you lied about lying, ok? then you lied about lying about lying, ok? so before you lie about lying about lying about lying about... lying...   stop lying!",chandler,why are you so sure i didnt watch this tape?
joey,and thats how i know you didnt watch the tape! .,chandler,he really is a chameleon.
rachel,shes mine!,chandler,"look, im sorry i didnt give them your tape. and i promise, next time to submit you whether i think you are right for the part or not."
joey,thats not the point chandler. the point is that you lied.,chandler,i know. youre right. whats it gonna take for you to forgive me?
joey,"now, what do you say?",chandler,lying is wrong!
joey,and?... and?,chandler,im a pretty little girl.
monica,"oh no, it is okay, i mean as long as you know that chandler and i are also very hot and fiery, just as hot as you! i mean our flame, whew, is on fire!",chandler,"hey monica, heres your broom back."
monica,you are so cute.,chandler,"oh hey, howd the interview go?"
rachel,no!,chandler,so what happened?
rachel,"well, i didnt know what else to do!",chandler,"well you coulda tried, not kissing him."
rachel,"i accidentally kissed him in the interview, and now he wants me back yknow of course, cause lets bring the girl back who kisses everybody!",chandler,"come on, rach."
joey,"no, in rosss building!  shes back! shes back!  okay, wait there, ill be over in a second.  got it!",chandler,i gotta check out this hot girl!  there she is!
rachel,oh.  ohhhhhhhhh….,chandler,"so what do you say, maybe sometime i hold your gun?"
gary,"i dont know man, were really not supposed to do that.",chandler,"oh, what can happen? i mean, would you…"
monica,okay.  chandler? can i see you for a second?,chandler,"uh, yeah."
monica,okay.  we have got to beat them! {here we go yet again.},chandler,why?
monica,"cause, gary and phoebe think theyre a hotter couple than we are!",chandler,"ohh, so?"
monica,so! so weve got to go upstairs and have a lot of sex to prove them wrong!,chandler,"monica, you have got to stop this competitive thing! okay? its crazy. {finally! the voice of reason.} i mean, just impress gary and phoebe we have to go upstairs and have sex over and over and im saying no to this, why? get your coat."
jen,i forgot my paper.,chandler,that was amazing!
monica,phoebe and gary are so gonna hear about this at dinner.,chandler,that was amazing.
monica,we are the hottest! huh? no one is hotter than we are! youre the best.,chandler,"no, youre the best."
monica,"no, youre the best.",chandler,"no, youre the best."
monica,"you better believe hes tired, after the day we had! if you know what i mean. you know what i mean?",chandler,"honey, the tortilla chips know what you mean."
gary,"so uh chandler, you like that badge i got you?",chandler,"oh yeah, its so cool.  now i gotta go, officer bing has gotta, 10-100.  thats pee-pee."
monica,hi chandler.,chandler,monica! this is the mens room!  isnt it?
monica,yes it is. you see ive always found the mens bathroom very sexual. havent you?,chandler,"no. and if i did, i dont think wed be going out. monica, this is getting ridiculous!"
monica,"come on, we cant let them win!",chandler,"ugh, we have already proved that we are hot! okay? so why-why are you getting so obsessed about this thing?!"
monica,because phoebe and gary are in that-cant-keep-their-hands-off-each-other-doing-it-in-the-park phase!,chandler,so?
monica,i feel really sad that were not…really there anymore.,chandler,oh wow! is that what this all have been about?
monica,wasnt it a lot more exciting when we were yknow all over each other all the time?,chandler,"yeah that was great. that was really great! but to tell you the truth, im more excited about where we are right now."
monica,really?,chandler,"yeah! ive never been in a relationship thats lasted this long before. yknow to get past the beginning and still be around each other all the time, i think thats pretty incredible. and the fact that this is happening all with you, yeah i think thats pretty exciting."
monica,"that is so sweet. i know that i was acting a little crazy but umm, i feel the same way.",chandler,yeah?
monica,yeah.,chandler,yknow what i just realized? you just freaked out about our relationship.
monica,did not.,chandler,yes you did! admit it! you freaked out!
monica,"okay, i freaked out a little.",chandler,"little?! you freaked out big time! okay? and i fixed it! we have switched places! i am the relationship and king and you are the crazy, irrational screw up!   and now were back. ending credits"
monica,thank god! i cant watch him anymore!,chandler,you guys ready fore the movies?
jo lynn,"this kitty is mittens and this one is fitzhugh, and this little guy in the cat condo is jinkies.",chandler,yep.� thats a lot of cats jo lynn.� single are ya?
joey,hey.� how come youre answering your own phone?� wheres your crazy assistant?,chandler,whats up joe?
joey,"okay, what have we always wanted to do together?",chandler,braid each others hair and ride horseback on the beach?
joey,"no, no, no.� when you get home tomorrow night, you and i are going to be at the wizzards-knicks game . . .� courtside!",chandler,courtside?� oh my god.
joey,yeah.� maybe michael jordon will dive for the ball and break my jaw with his knee.,chandler,thats so cool.� ill let monica know.
monica,hello?,chandler,joey just called.� hes got courtside knicks tickets for him and me tomorrow night.
monica,"really?� but tomorrow night is the only night i get off from the restaurant.� if you go to the game, we wont have a night together for another week.",chandler,"but hey, its courtside.� the cheerleaders are going to be right in fr. . . � thats not the way to convince you."
monica,"chandler look, i dont want to be one of those wives who says, you cant go to the game.� you have to spend time with me.� so, if you could just realize it on your own . . .",chandler,"i know.� youre right.� i want to see you too.� ive just got to figure out a way to tell joey, you know?� hes really looking forward to this."
monica,tell him that you havent seen your wife in a long time.� tell him that having a long-distance relationship is really difficult.� tell him that what little time we have is precious.,chandler,"yeah, ah, ah . . .� ill think of something."
monica,hi.,chandler,hey.
monica,welcome home.,chandler,"� oh well, look at you."
monica,yeah.� what do you think?,chandler,"well, it looks great.� its just that . . . well, im wearing the same thing underneath.� so . . ."
monica,oh.,chandler,see what i mean . . .
monica,just a second.,chandler,"no, no, no, no, no.� joey cant know that im here."
monica,why not?,chandler,"because i didnt know how to tell him that i couldnt go to the knicks game.� so, i just told him that i had to stay in tulsa."
monica,"so, you lied to him?",chandler,achhh.� its always better to lie than to have the complicated discussion.� � except with you.
monica,"cheers.� � okay, buh-bye.�",chandler,"you know, its funny.� ive been, ah, practicing the art of seduction myself.� � hi ya."
monica,you might want to keep practicing.,chandler,yah.
joey,"dude, come home!",chandler,what? why?
joey,come . . .� home.,chandler,"look i, i cant.� whats going on?"
joey,"all right look.� � if you cant come home and deal with this, then im gonna.",chandler,no!
joey,i just heard him!,chandler,can you . . . hear him . . . now?
joey,"� no.�  all right, im going in.",chandler,no! wait!
joey,i heard him again!,chandler,"all right, look.� just stay there.� im coming home."
joey,okay.� great.� ill see you when you get here.� im gonna wait out in the hall in case the dude comes out.,chandler,is that really necessary?
monica,"chandler, you have to tell joey that youre not in tulsa.",chandler,"dont you think its better for him to think that youre cheating on me, than for him to think that im cheating on him?� � i heard it."
monica,i dont want him to think that im having an affair.,chandler,all right.� ive got a plan.� ill go down the fire escape.
monica,"yes, because all good plans start with, ill go down the fire escape.",chandler,"hear me out woman.� ill go down the fire escape.� then, ill wait for a while.� then, when i come up the stairs, itll be just like i just got back from tulsa.� then, joey and i will come in and see that theres no guy in here."
monica,arent you afraid that joeys going to figure all of this out?� � i heard it.,chandler,im just going to wait for a little while.
monica,scary pigeons back?,chandler,its huge.
joey,"wow!� that didnt take long.� i thought you said tulsa was, like a three hour flight.",chandler,"well, youre forgetting about the time difference."
monica,chandler!� youre home!,chandler,"thats right.� youre husbands home.� so, now the sex can stop."
monica,what are you saying?,chandler,joey said that youre in here with another man.
joey,"all right.� all right.� then, maybe you wont mind if me and my friend take a look around, huh?� � bwa-ah-ah!",chandler,what is he doing?
joey,"bedroom is clear, although you might need some new pillows.",chandler,"all right.� well, ill check the guest room."
joey,� oh yeah.� i rubbed a magazine on myself earlier.,chandler,theres nobody here joe.
joey,"whoa, whoa.� wait a minute.� wait a minute.� if you just got back from tulsa, how did your suitcase beat you here?",chandler,i climb down the fire escape and you cant put that in the closet?
joey,whats going on?,chandler,"im sorry.� i, i told you i was in tulsa because i wanted to spend the night with monica and i, i didnt know . . .� i didnt think youd understand."
monica,i dont know what to say.� we shouldnt have lied to you.,chandler,yeah.� i feel so bad.� is there anything i can do to make it up to you?
joey,"yeah, you could go to the game with me, ah, even though i know you said you couldnt.� but then you lied to me and tricked me and gave me a bump on the head.",chandler,im sorry. �thats the one thing i cant do.� i promised id be with monica.
monica,you can go.,chandler,what?
monica,you should go to the game.� its okay.� i want you to.,chandler,really?� youre gonna be okay?
monica,"yeah, ill be fine.� you know, maybe ill stay here and practice the art of seduction.",chandler,"youre gonna put on sweats and clean, arent you?"
monica,its gonna be so hot!�,chandler,"okay, bye."
joey,thanks.� � heres your ticket.,chandler,"hey, listen.� im never going to lie to you again, okay?� and i want you to know that nobody thinks youre stupid."
joey,where are you going?,chandler,games tomorrow night joe.
joey,"okay, pick a card.",chandler,okay.
joey,"all right now, memorize it.  you got it?",chandler,oh yes.
joey,is that your card?,chandler,yes.
ross,hi!,chandler,hi there!
joey,im always on the swings! what am i doing wrong?!,chandler,that.
joey,luck!,chandler,"hey rach, now that youre working at ralph lauren, can you bring me back some of those polo shirts?"
rachel,"uh well, yknow what? i dont think if i feel comfortable stealing on my very first day…",chandler,"unwilling to steal from work, interesting."
joey,theyre gonna do it together.,chandler,dude! thats my girlfriend!
ross,yeah.,chandler,weirder than watching his two moms make out?
rachel,"i know! its like im being punished for not having this disgusting, poisoning habit!",chandler,"yeah, it is the best."
rachel,"yeah, i can do that.",chandler,"yeah, or you can do the easy thing and smoke."
phoebe,oh good!,chandler,"yeah, i wanna go to babe."
phoebe,is it okay if i leave this stuff here til rachels birthday party?,chandler,ah sure. whats in em?
phoebe,"umm, cups.",chandler,"oh good, because uh we got rachel 800 gallons of water."
phoebe,"yeah well, thats cause monica put me in charge of cups and ice, and monica is gonna rue the day that she put me in charge of cups and ice.",chandler,yknow i rued the day once…didnt get a whole lot else done.
joey,what? chandler! tell em!,chandler,"well i mean, let me get the door first.  oh, hi! no one."
rachel,well-well thats cause i went down there and they were all smoking. this is actually the smell of success.,chandler,"okay, theres something different though--oh my god! you smoked!"
rachel,i did not!,chandler,yes you did! you look happy and sick; you smoked!
rachel,"all right, fine! but i had too! i had to do it for my career!",chandler,i wish i had smoked for my career…
rachel,"no well, no its not that bad, yknow? i mean yeah, my tongue feels a little fuzzy and these fingers sort of smell, i actually feel like i can throw up.",chandler,"okay, but you gotta push past this because it is about to get so good!"
monica,"chandler! i have to tell you, you smell so smokey i have to get up. im not kidding.",chandler,i think you smell great!
phoebe,"check it out! cup hat!  cup banner! cup chandelier! and the thing that started it all, the cup!",chandler,"great job with the cups, pheebs!"
phoebe,and did you notice the ice?  look! we have it all! we have crushed! cubed! and dry! watch!  ahhh! mystical!,chandler,awesome!
monica,chandler! everyone--no ones eating my tuscan finger food cause theyre all filling up on phoebes snow cones!,chandler,there are snow cones!  snow cones! yuck!
monica,yknow…go! go! right there!,chandler,thank you! thank you!
joey,"eh, what are you gonna do? ending credits",chandler,"oh, hi! excuse me, is uh rachel green here? i was supposed to meet her for lunch."
kim,"oh, she doesnt come down here any more. you can find her up on ten.",chandler,"okay, great."
kim,"so we talked about the whole presentation yesterday at lunch  and he wondered if one person would be enough  to get a take on the trip  and i said, yeah, absolutely!",chandler,ill catch you guys later.
joey,hey!,chandler,hey!
joey,what are you guys doing up?,chandler,"oh, we wanted to finish the crossword before we went to bed. hey, do you know a six-letter word for red?"
joey,dark red.,chandler,"yeah, i think thats wrong, but theres a connect the dots in here for you later.  hey, how about maroon?"
monica,wow!,chandler,"oh thats so cool! why would a cop come in here though? they dont serve donuts.  yknow what actually, could you discover the badge again? i think i can come up with something better than that."
joey,"hey, you guys!",chandler,hey!
monica,whats with him?,chandler,"oh, yknow what? the last time joey went to a meadow, his mother was shot by a hunter."
phoebe,i know but im having so much fun doing good deeds.,chandler,"okay, but impersonating a police officer is a serious thing. you could get arrested."
joey,hey!  oh.,chandler,"hi, joe."
joey,nothing!,chandler,"oh, come on! youve been acting strange all day!"
joey,"all right! there is something. i kinda had a dream,  but i dont want to talk about it.",chandler,whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-what-what if martin luther king had said that?  i kinda have a dream! i don’t want to talk about it.
joey,"well, it involved monica.",chandler,"you had a dream about a girl that i am seeing?! oh, that is so cool!  i cant tell you how many times ive dreamt about a girl that he was seeing.   anyway were talking about your dream.  i love you.  your dream?"
monica,no!,chandler,"no, it can mean anything. like uh, all of the sudden youre jealous because ive become the apartment stud."
monica,um-hmm.,chandler,"joey, look, are you attracted to monica? right here, right now, are you attracted to her?"
joey,not really.,chandler,well there you have it!
joey,"no, i dont think its just about just getting a girlfriend. yknow? i mean, yeah, i can get a girlfriend! yeah, we could sit in the chair and do crosswords, but yknow are we ever going to have yknow the closeness like-like you guys have?",chandler,"well yknow, monica and i were friends before we started dating. so maybe-maybe thats it?"
rachel,"hey, umm, do you guys have that tape measure?",chandler,"oh yeah, its actually in my bedroom."
rachel,"well, i brought the next best thing.",chandler,hey!
ross,chandler?! you brought chandler?! the next best thing would be monica!,chandler,"yknow, i would be offended, but monica is freakishly strong, so…"
ross,no! thats-thats my arm!,chandler,"oh, i see. i thought you just really, really liked your new couch."
rachel,okay!,chandler,okay.
ross,"all right, ready?",chandler,yeah.
ross,turn.,chandler,okay.
ross,turn! turn!,chandler,"okay, i dont think we can turn anymore!"
ross,"oh yeah it will! come on, up! up-up-up! up! yes! here we go! pivot!  pivot! piv-ot! piv-et!! piv-ett!!! piv-et!",chandler,shut up! shut up! shut up!!
ross,"all right, lets uh, lets bring it back down and-and try again.",chandler,"okay, yeah, i think its really stuck now."
rachel,"i know, me neither! i mean, you had a sketch!",chandler,"oh, yknow, what did you mean when you said pivot?"
joey,"yeah, yeah, i met this woman.",chandler,"hey, whoa-whoa! whats she like?"
joey,"all right! hey, who wants pizza?!",chandler,"ooh, i do! i do! i do!"
gary,"okay. and dont worry, im not just gonna take you out for donuts.",chandler,he has a gun!
mr. geller,where’s my granddaughter? i’ve been practicing my magic tricks.,chandler,he pulled a quarter out of my ear!
mr. geller,so when do i get to meet emma and show her this?,chandler,okay. wow.
joey,"hey chandler, can i talk to you for a second?",chandler,sure.
joey,dude i just did something terrible.,chandler,that was you?! i thought it was jack!
joey,"no! no, that was jack! rachel thinks i asked her to marry me!",chandler,what?! why does she think that?
joey,because it kinda looked like i did.,chandler,"again, what?!"
joey,"okay well, i was down on one knee with the ring in my hand…",chandler,as we all are at some point during the day.
joey,it wasn’t my ring! it fell out of ross’s jacket! and when i knelt down to pick it up rachel thought i was proposing!,chandler,ross had a ring?! and he was gonna propose?
joey,i guess.,chandler,and you did it first?! this is gonna kill him! you know how much he loves to propose!
joey,i know! i know it’s awful.,chandler,"well, what did she say?"
joey,she said yes.,chandler,does ross know?
joey,"oh god, what the hell am i going to tell him?",chandler,well maybe you don’t have to tell him anything.
joey,"oh, i like that. yeah…",chandler,"if you clear things up with rachel then ross never needs to find out, but you have to do it now before he hears about it and kicks your ass!"
monica,i want a baby.,chandler,"honey, we’ve been over this. i need to be facing the other way."
monica,"come on! come on, if we have sex again it’ll double our chances of getting pregnant. do you think that closet’s still available?",chandler,"i’m so tired.  yeah okay, but no foreplay."
mr. geller,well i’m peeking.  oh my god!,chandler,"hello sir, you know monica."
ross,well i didn’t! i didn’t propose!  unless uh… did i? i haven’t slept in forty hours and…it does sound like something i would do.,chandler,"look, we can’t stay in here forever."
monica,"oh, i still can’t believe my dad saw us having sex! he didn’t make it to one of piano recitals, but this he sees!",chandler,"this is okay. we’re all adults here; there’s nothing to be ashamed of. now, let’s put our underwear in our pockets and walk out the door."
mr. geller,of course. i’ll always be your dad.,chandler,"i just want you to know that what you witnessed in there, that wasn’t for fun."
monica,it wasn’t fun?!,chandler,"why? why-why-would you—wh-why… look, i just don’t want you to think that we’re animals who do it whenever we want."
mr. geller,"well you gotta get at it princess! when your mother and i were trying to conceive you, whenever she was ovulating, bam, we did it. that’s how i got my bad hip.",chandler,"that’s funny, this conversation’s how i got the bullet hole in my head."
mr. geller,"but pleasure is important,  and it helps if the woman has an orgasm. you up to the task sailor?",chandler,"seriously sir, my brains? all over the wall."
rachel,"no. no, i don’t. could you be a dear and go tell him?",chandler,you still haven’t told rachel you weren’t really proposing?
joey,"no! she had the ring on, she seemed so excited, and then she took her breast out.",chandler,"joey, you have to tell her what’s going on! and what did it look like?!"
joey,i didn’t look at it. stupid baby’s head was blocking most of it.,chandler,go and tell rachel right now before ross finds out.
joey,"look, it’s not that easy. she said she wanted to marry me. i don’t want to hurt her.",chandler,"okay, look, just do it gently."
monica,hey dad!,chandler,hey.
aired,30/01/2003,chandler,hey!
ross,yeah! yeah! ok! sure! look! can we...can we talk about what happened here last night?,chandler,sure! just give me a second to get all huffy and weird like you! do you believe that who everdid something over here last night did what they did or didnt do ...i mean come on!!
ross,ok you...you really dont know what i am talking about?,chandler,no!
ross,ok! last night after the party i saw rachel kissing that jerk from her office out on your balcony.,chandler,"our balcony? seriously? thats so funny because i told monica we should put lights on our balcony. and she saidno, no. its too cold, nobody will go out there. and i said maybe if we put some light out there they will"
ross,"right thats why i came over to talk about. hum...i saw rachel kissing some guy on your balcony,even though there were no lights !",chandler,so are you gonna...talk to her?
ross,"why...why should i? i mean if she wants to move on, thats fine!",chandler,you know when thats fine sounds true when someone yells it and spits!
ross,"no im serious. i mean she wants to date people? fine! i dont care but...at least she could have told me. you knowi...ive been putting my life on hold and just concentrating on emma but if she wants to go out there kissing guys shebarely knows, then so will i ! very funny! ross is gay! ah! ah!",chandler,no no no. good. so youre moving on? do you have any idea where youre moving?
ross,i dont know. i mean i have plenty of opportunity. just just now there were some women at the coffee house smiled at me.and then the other day on the subway a woman accidentally sat on my hand.,chandler,"dude, dont rub my face in your crazy single life!"
ross,"well, and how about this? there is an anthropologist at school who totally came on to me during the inter-departmentalpotluck dinner.",chandler,why did i get married?!
joey,please i have an extremely high threshold...holly mother of god! my face! my face!! im all right! im all right!just a little bit of shock thats all but ill be fine you can go again. im ok dammit! woman!! how hoooow!,chandler,hey its the most eligible man in ny. hows the moving on going?
ross,not well. i went on the subway again and someone did sit on my hand but that person was neither female nor wearing pants.,chandler,"well maybe youre going about this the wrong way. you know i mean think about it. single white male, divorced three times,two illegitimate children. the personal ad writes itself...."
ross,thats funny...do you think youll ever work again?,chandler,what are doing? you know i can only dish it out!
ross,i cant believe rachel just moved on and didnt say anything to me,chandler,"maybe she didnt move on, you know...maybe that kiss was just an impulsive one-time birthday thing"
ross,"no no, about a month ago she gave her number to some guy in a bar.",chandler,did she go out with him?
ross,"no. when he called, i...i threw the message away.",chandler,ah! the high road...
ross,you know what? enough! enough talking! i have to get moving! hey check out those two blondes over there!hey come with me!,chandler,are you trying to get everybody divorced?
ross,"you dont have to do anything. it will just be easier if it is the two of us, like college, remember? you...you break theice with some kind of jokes so that they know youre the funny one and i swoop in with some interesting conversation, sotheyll see that im the brilliant, brooding, sexy one...",chandler,i thought i had to make the jokes!
ross,dont you have to be at work?,chandler,"oh come on! hello! hi! my name is chandler, heres my friend ross right here, and we were wondering you know if youre up for it. we only need six more people for a human pyramid...swoop!! swoop!!"
blonde girl,sorry...we were just leaving,chandler,we still got it!
ross,"right, so thats a firm no. i cannot believe this, i just keep striking out.",chandler,"i dont get it neither, i mean youre obviously desperate, youre asking women how they want to be killed"
ross,this is great. rachels gonna keep kissing guys until she finds the one she wants and im gonna die alone.,chandler,by drowning or...?!
michelle,"all i ever wanted was just love him and have him love me back. i mean, am i so unlovable?",chandler,well...
joey,"hey, i need your help.",chandler,"wow, it seems serious. what seems to be the problem, ashley judd?"
joey,"look, ill get new headshot taken, all right, so i want to get my eyebrows shaped",chandler,"i am sorry, moment to make fun of that, please!"
joey,"you may be a sissy but ill still . all right, it hurts so bad, i could only let her do oneeyebrow and now... they don�t match!",chandler,it�s like a baby caterpillar chasing its mama!
joey,"all right, look, you got to help me out, ok? look, i have the magic marker, i want you to fill in the skinny one soi don�t look stupid for my pictures.",chandler,"ok. first of all, this is green!"
joey,what the hell am i supposed to do!,chandler,"all right, i will help you out but you have to promise me you will not tell anyone what i am about to tell you."
joey,"what, what.",chandler,"ok, you know how most kids get their allowance from mowing the lawn or taking out the garbage, well i earned mineby plucking the eyebrows of my father and his �business� partners."
joey,oh my god!,chandler,"yeah, well, i guess you don�t need my help victor victoria!"
joey,"ok all right, no, no, no, no, i do, i do, i do, i need your help, but chandler i don�t know if i can take anymoreplucking. it hurts so bad!",chandler,"oh, not with my combination of ice cubes, aloe vera and my gentle self-loathing touch."
michelle,this is your daughter? i can be your new mummy!,chandler,and done!
joey,"oh my god! i didn�t feel a thing ! hey, are you still looking for a job because you can tweeze circles aroundthat sadistic bitch at the saloon",chandler,thanks. you wanna see what it looks like?
joey,"yeah, yeah. hey, they totally match! they look great! they look great! how you doing!",chandler,"yeah, yeah, i think it looks pretty good. i was a little worried i was uncovering a birthmark right aboutthere, but it turned out to be a little piece of chocolate."
joey,thank you so much.,chandler,no problem.
joey,"listen that�s a pretty girly hour we just spent, we should add some manly make up for it.",chandler,yeah.
phoebe,oh you�ll probably take care of that on your hands.,chandler,i am sorry i am late. you�ll understand when you�ll see joey.
monica,"honey, you�re just in time, i�m about to sing another song!",chandler,really? in front of all this people?
monica,and they love me!,chandler,oh my god!
monica,"tonights the night were gonna make it happen, tonight well put all other things aside. give in thistime and show me some affection...",chandler,are those my wife�s nipples?
phoebe,"oh? isn�t that funny? i didnt see that before, i wouldnt have let her go up again.",chandler,i gotta stop this.
monica,"oh, who cares, they still love me! i am so excited...",chandler,"you, touching yourself, out!"
joey,your eyebrows look weird.,chandler,"�jeremiah was a bullfrog. was a good friend of mine, never understood a single word he said, but i helped himdrink his wine.� so you just touch yourself for anything?"
all,what? oh!,chandler,sorry man.
ross,"oh, thanks gunther.  stupid british snack food!!!!!!!",chandler,did they teach you that in your anger management class?
monica,"look at us all dressed up for the big office party! by the way, what are we celebrating?",chandler,"oh, we had a lot of liquor left over from the christmas party."
monica,i think this is so cool because none of our friends are here and we can be a real couple. we dont have to hide.,chandler,"i know, i can do this."
doug,"hey bing!   wo-ho-ho, whos the pretty lady and what the hell is she doing with you?",chandler,"i asked myself that very question, sir. uh,  this is monica.  this is my boss, doug. doug this is monica."
doug,"say uh, bing, did you hear about the new law firm we got working for us?",chandler,"no, sir."
monica,what was that?,chandler,what?
monica,that noise you just made?,chandler,"oh, that was my work laugh."
monica,really? your work laugh?,chandler,"oh, believe me, to survive this party, youre gonna have to come up with one too."
monica,"all right, check me out.",chandler,okay.
doug,…says $30 father; same as in town.,chandler,hey! everybody at work loved you last night!
monica,really?,chandler,"and! they like me more just because i was with ya! i think you repaired a lot of the damage from when they met joey. and doug wants us to play tennis with them. hes never even talked to me outside of work. except for that time when we bumped into each other at that strip club.  strip church. anyway, im gonna go try and find a racquet."
monica,"hey, i thought you already had one.",chandler,"oh i used too, but then joey thought it would be fun to go to central park and hit rocks at…bigger rocks.  hey rach, do you have a tennis racquet?"
rachel,"oh umm, yknow i lent it to joey and i never actually got it back.",chandler,"okay, good luck with that."
monica,"am i on fire today or what?! those birds are browned, basted, and ready to be carved!",chandler,"okay, easy martina. i think we should let them win the next game."
monica,"im sorry, i dont understand what you just said.",chandler,let them win one.
monica,"are you crazy?! we own those two! i mean look at um, he cant breath and shes popping pills.",chandler,youre not even giving them a chance!
doug,"uh bing, i think were gonna make this the last game.",chandler,"oh yes, sir! put me out of my misery. are you sure you never played pro?   please let them win!"
monica,ill take it down to 95% but thats the best i can do.,chandler,"oopsey, missed it!"
monica,i got it!!,chandler,long!
monica,i cant believe you let them win!,chandler,"yeah, at least you hid your feelings well about it."
monica,i was frustrated.,chandler,it was my racquet.
monica,i was frustrated with you!,chandler,if we hadnt lost the game they never wouldve invented us to dinner tomorrow night.
monica,"yknow what really bothers me? is—its how-how different you act around them! i mean yknow the throwing the tennis games, the fake laugh, the ill see you around, bing! not if i see you first, doug!  i gotta tell you, i dont like work chandler. okay? the guys a suck-up.",chandler,"okay yknow what, because you said that, im not putting out tonight."
monica,"oh, none for me. thanks.",chandler,just a little bit of sugar.
monica,how does that laugh not give you a headache?,chandler,"oh, you get used to it."
monica,"yknow, i-i-i dont think that i can. so if you dont mind, maybe this will be it for me on the work things.",chandler,"so i laugh at my bosss jokes, whats the big deal?"
monica,id rather hang out with a sniveling work weasel guy when i can be hanging out with my boyfriend who i actually respect.,chandler,oh.
doug,"uh, i gotta apologize for karas coffee. yknow, i feel sorry for it if it ever got in a fight, its not strong enough to defend itself.  did you hear what i said bing?",chandler,what?
doug,the joke bing. whats the matter with you?,chandler,"well, i-i just didnt think it was funny sir."
doug,excuse me?,chandler,"well, i just…"
monica,"honey, i just dont think that you understood the joke.",chandler,really?
monica,"yeah! i mean it was really funny, i-i just dont think you got it. you see karas coffee is-is-is weak tasting, okay? but-but what doug was-was imply that it was weak physically. you get it now honey?",chandler,"i think i do!  thank you, monica."
monica,i thought you could use the help.,chandler,coffee in a fight!
rachel,what?! she just called and said that she was gonna be working late! she keeps lying to me! thats it! yknow what? im just gonna go over there and confront them right now!,chandler,"all right, so youre telling me that i have to tell racist jokes now?!"
monica,sorry! im just—im not very good at this! im a terrible liar and i hate having to lie to rachel!,chandler,but were not ready to tell yet!
rachel,kay.  congratulations on your new job.,chandler,"man, she is really gullible."
ross,"dude, we got to talk.",chandler,okay.
ross,"i just wanted to tell you something before you heard it from someone else and i hope this isnt too weird, but uh, i had uh, a thing with janice.  what youre-youre not mad?",chandler,why would i be mad?
ross,"well, because yknow there are certain rules about this kind of stuff. you dont uh, you dont fool around with your uh, friends ex-girlfriends or possible girlfriends or girls theyre related to.",chandler,"i am mad! but you know what im gonna do? im gonna forgive you! because thats what friends do! they forgive their friends when they do everything you just said, all on the list there. well, but i want you to remember that i forgave you."
ross,okay.,chandler,i also want you to remember that i let you live here rent free!
ross,all right.,chandler,"and, i want you to remember that i gave you twenty  seven dollars. no strings attached. now, if you cant remember that, i think we should write it down—lets write it down!"
phoebe,"okay, well maybe not on those levels.",chandler,hey.
ross,hey.,chandler,"i’m never gonna find a roommate, ever."
phoebe,"why, nobody good?",chandler,"well let’s see, there was the guy with the ferrets, that’s plural. the spitter. oh-ho, and yes, the guy that enjoyed my name so much he felt the need to make a little noise every time he said it. nice to meet you, chandler bing bing! great apartment chandler bing, bing!"
ross,so how many more do you have tomorrow?,chandler,"two. this photographer, who seemed really dull. and this actor guy, who i’m not sure about, because when he called and i answered the phone ‘chandler bing,’ he said ‘whoa-whoa, short message.’"
ross,"i have to go. yeah, carol should be home by now, soo...",chandler,"umm, how’s it going with you guys?"
ross,"yeah, yknow how i have you guys, well she doesn’t really have any close friends that are just hers, but last week she meet this woman at the gym, susan something, and they really hit it off, and i-i-i think it’s gonna make a difference",chandler,"soo, ah, eric, what kind of photography do ya do?"
eric,"oh, mostly fashion, so there may be models here from time to time, i hope that’s cool.",chandler,"yes, that is cool. because i have models here yknow......never."
eric,"oh, yeah, during the summer, i spend most weekends at my sister’s beach house, which you are welcome to use by the way. although, i should probably tell you, she’s a porn star.",chandler,"well, listen i ah, still have one more person to ah meet, but unless it turns out to be your sister, i think you’re chances are pretty good.  all right."
joey,"don’t you ah, don’t you wanna ask me any questions?",chandler,sure. ummm. what’s up?
joey,"well, ah, i’m an actor. i’m fairly neat. i ah, i got my own tv. oh, and don’t worry i’m totally okay with the gay thing.",chandler,what gay thing?
joey,"ah, yknow just in general people being gay, thing. i’m totally cool with that.",chandler,"well okay jerry, thanks for stopping by."
joey,hey!,chandler,"hey, mon."
monica,hey-hey-hey. you wanna hear something that sucks.,chandler,do i ever.
monica,chris says they’re closing down the bar.,chandler,no way!
monica,"yeah, apparently they’re turning it into some kinda coffee place.",chandler,just coffee! where are we gonna hang out now?
monica,got me.,chandler,can i get a beer.
monica,"hey, did you pick a roommate?",chandler,you betcha!
monica,is it the italian guy?,chandler,"um-mm, yeah right!"
monica,he’s so cute.,chandler,"oh yes, and that’s what i want a roommate that i can walk around with and be referred to as the funny one."
monica,"oh look, the pool table’s free. rack ‘em up. i’ll be back in just a minute. get ready for me to whip your butt.",chandler,"okay, but after that, we’re shootin’ some pool."
rachel,"i’m serious, i really, i think i need just to have some...meaningless, sex yknow, with the next guy that i see.",chandler,"excuse, i seem to have dropped my ball."
rachel,"yeah, so?",chandler,and now i’ve picked it up again.
joey,hey!,chandler,hey!
monica,"thank you soo, much.",chandler,"oh, don’t thank me, thank the jerk that never showed up. okay, i gotta get to get to work."
phoebe,"no you’re not, you’re wondering which cushion it is.",chandler,"so ah, whatcha watching?"
joey,baywatch.,chandler,what’s it about?
joey,lifeguards.,chandler,"well, it sounds kinda stupid...  who’s she?"
joey,nicole eggert. youll like her.,chandler,wow! look at them run.
joey,"they do that a lot. hey, you want a beer?",chandler,"yeah, i’ll go get one."
joey,"no, no, no, don’t get up, i got a cooler right here.",chandler,"well, hello!"
monica,hey.,chandler,do you have any beers? we’re out of beers.
monica,help yourself.,chandler,you okay?
monica,phoebe moved out.,chandler,right.
monica,"i don’t understand, i mean am i so hard to live, is this why i don’t have a boyfriend?",chandler,"noo!! you don’t have a boyfriend because....i don’t, i don’t know why you don’t have a boyfriend. you should have a boyfriend."
monica,"well, i think so.",chandler,"oh-ho, come here.  listen, you are one of my favourite people and the most beautiful woman i’ve ever known in real life."
phoebe,"aw, god ross. oh.",chandler,"umm, this is nice."
monica,"i know, it is isn’t it?",chandler,"no, i mean it, this feels really good. is it a hundred percent cotton?"
monica,"yeah! and i got it on sale, too.",chandler,"anyway, i should go, one of the lifeguards was just about to dismantle a nuclear device."
monica,"well, if you wanna get a drink later we can.",chandler,"oh yeah, that sounds great.  oh, and listen, it’s, it’s gonna be...."
joey,cool!!,chandler,"ross-joey, joey-ross."
ross,hi.,chandler,i can’t believe you came back.
phoebe,hey! i got you a present!!,chandler,oh my goodness! where did you hide it?
phoebe,"i got it for your wedding and i ordered it weeks ago, and it finally got",chandler,pheebs you didn’t have to get us anything for our wedding you
monica,"oh well, maybe we can put it in the guest bedroom.",chandler,"oh, okay."
monica,all right.,chandler,i kinda like it here.
monica,well i-i really don’t remember the name of it.,chandler,well what did it do?
monica,"well, you just—you put a quarter in and y’know pull-pull some",chandler,a vending machine?
monica,chandler! phoebe’s hogging the game!,chandler,who cares? it’s a stupid game.
monica,you only think it’s stupid because you suck at it.,chandler,i don’t suck. it’s sucks. you suck.
monica,"no! no-no! i love it! it is a great present! in fact, why don’t you",chandler,why do you want to play this game so bad?
monica,hey.,chandler,you are not going to believe what i did today!
monica,well it clearly wasn’t showering or shaving.,chandler,i got good. i played this game all day and now i rule at it! they
monica,"wait a minute, you stayed home all day and played ms. pac-man",chandler,"uh-huh, and i got all the top ten scores, i erased phoebe off the"
monica,what is the matter with your hand?,chandler,"well i’ve been playing it for like eight hours, it’ll loosen"
monica,"chandler, why would you do that?",chandler,because it’s awesome.
monica,you think this is clever?,chandler,"well y’know, they only give you three letters, so after a-s-s it"
monica,"hey wait a minute, this one isn’t dirty.",chandler,it is when you put it together with that one.
monica,"ah, well if you don’t clear this off, you won’t be getting one",chandler,"come on, he won’t even know what they mean."
monica,chandler! he’s seven; he’s not stupid.,chandler,have you talked to him lately?
monica,"all right, look i’m just gonna unplug it.",chandler,"no-no-no, if you unplug it, i’ll have nothing to show for my day!"
monica,honey you-you got to beat your scores!,chandler,with the claw?!
monica,"all right fine. fine, i’ll do it. i’ve just got to get this",chandler,pull my finger——my hand is
phoebe,chandler sucks! he couldn’t have gotten this good!,chandler,i did.  but it came at a price.
monica,but ben is coming over tonight and he can’t see this.,chandler,"oh come on, by age seven kids have already seen orgies. (they both"
phoebe,i know!,chandler,one more score to go! you can do it!
monica,don’t touch her!!,chandler,all right! go left! go left! go right!! go right!!
ross,"right, but, it is just me and the baby, so im thinkin they can take us. and so i uh, hah-hah, i just heave it down field.",chandler,what are you crazy? thats a baby!
ross,"anyway, suddenly im down field, and i realise that im the one whos supposed to catch him, right? only i know there is no way im gonna get there in time, so i am running, and running, and that, that is when i woke up. see i, i am so not ready to be a father.",chandler,"hey, youre gonna be fine. youre one of the most caring, most responsible men in north america. youre gonna make a great dad."
joey,"oh, have either one of you guys ever been to the rainbow room? is it real expensive?",chandler,"well, only if you order stuff."
ross,you take your time.,chandler,there it is! so whatre you gonna do?
joey,"what can i do? look, i dont want to do anything to screw it up with ursula.",chandler,and your friend phoebe?
joey,"well, if shes my friend, hopefully shell understand. i mean, wouldnt you guys?",chandler,"man, if you tried something like that on my birthday, youd be starin at the business end of a hissy fit."
rachel,"what? monica, they are cute, they are doctors,  cute doctors, doctors who are cute!",chandler,"alright, what have we learned so far?"
monica,oh...,chandler,happy birthday peehe.
phoebe,"oh, oh, oh! this is so great! oh my god! this was not at all scary. hi everybody. hi betty! betty, hi!  you found betty! oh my god!  this is great. everybody i love is in the same room,  wheres joey?",chandler,did you see betty?
rachel,"yeah, i know...  ..im im just not that bright either.",chandler,"okay, worst case scenario. say you never feel like a father."
ross,uh-huh.,chandler,"say your son never feels connected to you, as one. say all of his relationships are affected by this."
ross,do you have a point?,chandler,"you know, you think i would."
ross,its just a fur ball.,chandler,okay...  ..whose turn is it?
ross,"yours, i just got 43 points for kidney.",chandler,"no, no, you got zero points for idney."
monica,whats goin on?,chandler,marcel swallowed a scrabble tile.
ross,yeah. the doctor got the k out. he also found an m and an o.,chandler,we think he was trying to spell out monkey.
ross,"well, the doctor says hes gonna be fine, hes just sleeping now.",chandler,"so, you feel like a dad yet?"
ross,"no, why?",chandler,"hey, come on, you came through, you did what you had to do. that is very dad."
monica,�a qui�n pidio el pollo general tso?,chandler,�pudo aver sido general tso!
monica,oww!,chandler,what’s the matter honey?
monica,okay!,chandler,already?!
rachel,"yeah, we got a lot to do! we gotta think about the flowers, the caterers, the music…",chandler,"oh, i got some thoughts on that."
monica,okay!,chandler,what in god’s name is that?!
monica,"a jazz trio for cocktails. the bay city rollers for dancing. wait, that was from my sixth grade wedding.",chandler,"well, you couldn’t get them anyway. ian doesn’t plan anymore and derrick…  and derrick is a name i shouldn’t know."
joey,"hey mon, do you have another pillow?  y’know, something a little snugglyer?",chandler,why are you napping over here instead of over at your place?
joey,"uh, well he did not get sick somewhere in there and it was immediately found and properly cleaned up!",chandler,"now, do i get to look at this book or is it just for people who are actually involved in the wedding?"
monica,"of course you can look at it! yeah, i want your opinion too!",chandler,okay.
monica,here you go! what do you think about centerpieces?,chandler,centerpieces!
monica,yeah! roses or lilies?,chandler,"definitely roses.  well, i just think they’re a little more weddingy.  but lilies are the clear choice."
monica,oh my god! it’s like one mind.,chandler,uh-huh!
mrs. geller,"so chandler, you’re parents must’ve been thrilled when you told them you were engaged.",chandler,"oh yeah, i should probably call them."
mr. geller,i remember when we first got engaged.,chandler,"oh, i don’t think i ever heard that story."
mrs. geller,you don’t know how that happened?! your dog thought my diaphragm was a chew toy!,chandler,what a sweet story.
mrs. geller,well it was chandler! we didn’t think he’d ever propose!,chandler,clearly i did not start drinking enough at the start of the meal.
monica,i can’t believe this. do you think that your parents could help pay for it?,chandler,"i don’t know, my mother spent most of her money on her fourth wedding. she’s saving the rest for her divorce. and any extra cash my father has he saves for his yearly trips to  dollywood."
rachel,"wait, but there’s no money! well this is terrible! you guys are gonna have to get married in like a, rec. center!",chandler,"honey, it’s gonna be okay."
rachel,"no, y’know what? it’s gonna be okay. i mean you don’t have to have this rustic italian feast. y’know? and-and you don’t need, you don’t need this custom-made, empire waisted, duchess, satin gown; you can wear off the rack.",chandler,"look, it really is gonna be okay. the important thing is that we love each other and that we’re gonna get married."
monica,how? i don’t have any money.,chandler,"well, i have some."
monica,how much?,chandler,"well, close to…"
rachel,"ohh, you guys are so made for each other.",chandler,"well, you’re not suggesting that we spend all of the money on the wedding?"
rachel and monica,"ah, yeah!",chandler,"well, come on, i’ve been saving this money for six years and i kinda had some of it earmarked for the future, not just for a party."
monica,this is the most special day of our lives.,chandler,"no, i realize that honey, but i’m not gonna spend all of the money on one party."
monica,"honey, umm i-i love you,  but umm, if you call our wedding a party one more time, you may not get invited. okay?  listen, we could always earn more money, okay? but uh, we’re only gonna get married once.",chandler,"look, i understand, but i have to put my foot down. okay? the answer is no."
monica,you-you’re gonna have to put your foot down?,chandler,"yes, i am!"
monica,hey.,chandler,hey.
monica,"listen umm, i’ve been thinking, it’s not fair for me to ask you to spend all of your money on our wedding. i mean, you work, you work really hard for that.",chandler,ehh.
monica,"eh, you work for that.",chandler,"look, i thought about it too, and i’m sorry. i think we should spend all of the money on the wedding."
monica,you do?!,chandler,"yeah, i’m putting my foot down. yeah look, when i proposed i told you that i would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding makes you happy then, then that’s what we’re gonna do."
monica,"oh, you’re so sweet.  oh, but wait, what about our, what about the future and stuff?",chandler,"eh, forget about the future and stuff! so we only have two kids, y’know? we’ll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college."
monica,you thought about that?,chandler,yeah.
monica,how many kids were we gonna have?,chandler,"uh, four, a boy, twin girls and another boy."
monica,what else did you think about?,chandler,"well, stuff like where’d we live, y’know? like a small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. y’know, we could have a cat that had a bell on it’s collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. of course, we’d have an apartment over the garage where joey could grow old."
monica,"y’know what? i-i don’t want a big, fancy wedding.",chandler,sure you do.
monica,"no, i want everything you just said. i want a marriage.",chandler,you sure?
monica,uh-hmm.,chandler,i love you so much.
monica,"i love you.  hey listen umm, when, when you were talkin’ about our future you said cat, but you meant dog right.",chandler,"oh yeah, totally!"
joey,"well, that went well. yeah.",chandler,"it could’ve been worse, he could’ve shot her."
phoebe,hello?,chandler,hey.
monica,hey.,chandler,"oh wow, i hope you don’t take this the wrong way but, i know we had plans to meet up tonight and, ugh, i’m just kinda worried about what it might do to our friendship."
monica,i know. how could we have let this happen?,chandler,seven times!
monica,"ugh! well, y’know, we were away…",chandler,"in a foreign, romantic country…"
monica,i blame london.,chandler,bad london!
monica,"so look umm, while we’re st-still in london, i mean, we can keep doing it right?",chandler,"well, i don’t see that we have a choice. but, when we’re back home, we don’t do it."
monica,only here.,chandler,"y’know, i saw a wine cellar downstairs…"
monica,i’ll meet you there in two minutes.,chandler,okay!
monica,where were you? we were supposed to meet in the wine cellar?,chandler,"forget it, that’s off."
monica,that’s true.,chandler,the man’s got a point.
rachel,"well, look at that, same thing.",chandler,"listen, in the middle of everything if i scream the word, yippee! just ignore me."
monica,"oh my god, rachel! hi!",chandler,"oh, hello rachel."
rachel,"ross said my name. okay? my name. ross said my name up there that obviously means that he still loves me!  okay, don’t believe me, i know i’m right—do you guys want to go downstairs and get a drink?",chandler,"yes, we do. but, we have to change first."
monica,"yes, i want to change. and why-why don’t you go down and get us a table?",chandler,"yeah, we’ll be down in like five minutes."
rachel,"hello? oh, pheebs!  it’s phoebe!",chandler,"oh, yay…"
rachel,"okay, pheebs, y’know what, let’s look at this objectively all right? ninth grade, right? the obsession starts. all right? the summer after ninth grade he sees me in a two-piece for the first time, his obsession begins to grow. so then…",chandler,"hey, listen, why don’t we go change in my room?"
monica,but my clothes are—ohh!,chandler,"wow, you look…"
joey,"hey, dude, let me in. i got a girl out here!",chandler,"well, i’ve got a girl in here."
joey,"no you don’t, i just saw you go in there with monica!",chandler,"well, we’re-we’re hanging out in here!"
joey,"look, which one of us is gonna be having sex in there, me or you?",chandler,"well, i suppose i’d have to say you!! but, what if we’re watching a movie in here?"
monica,you really think this is okay?,chandler,"well, ross and emily aren’t gonna use it."
monica,"oh, it’s so beautiful. ohh! y’know, i-i don’t know if i feel right about this.",chandler,"oh mon-mon-mon-mon-look, this is the honeymoon suite. the room expects sex. the room would be disappointed if it didn’t get sex. all of the other honeymoon suites would think it was a loser."
monica,okay!,chandler,okay!
ross,emily?!,chandler,"nope, not under here!"
ross,"no, i’ve looked everywhere!",chandler,"well, you couldn’t have looked everywhere or else you would’ve found her!"
monica,"yeah, i think you should keep looking!",chandler,"yeah, for about 30 minutes."
monica,or 45.,chandler,"wow, in 45 minutes you can find her twice."
monica,"well, it’s getting late.",chandler,"yeah, we’re gonna go."
monica,"ugh, y’know, umm we gotta get up early and catch that plane for new york.",chandler,"yeah, it’s a very large plane."
ross,that’s cool.,chandler,"but, we’ll stay here with you."
ross,"thanks guys!  i really appreciate this, y’know, but you don’t have to rub my butt.",chandler,we have to leave for new york in an hour.
monica,"i know, i’ve been looking at those doors, they look pretty sound proof, don’t you think?",chandler,"we can’t do that that’s insane. i mean ‘a’ he could wake up and ‘b’ y’know, let’s go for it."
monica,"y’know, maybe it’s best that we never got to do it again.",chandler,"yeah, it kinda makes that-that one night special. y’know, technically we still are over international waters."
monica,"i’m gonna go to the bathroom, maybe i’ll see you there in a bit?",chandler,‘kay!
joey,can i ask you something?,chandler,"uhh, no."
joey,"felicity and i, we’re watching my giant, and i was thinking, i’m never gonna be as good an actor as that giant. do you think i’m just wasting my life with this acting thing?",chandler,no.
joey,"i mean, the giant is like five years younger than me, y’know, you think i’ll ever get there?",chandler,yes.
joey,thanks man.,chandler,okay man.
phoebe,hey!,chandler,hey!
phoebe,you ate meat!   you had sex!,chandler,no we didn’t!
monica,"well, we certainly are alone.",chandler,"yes! good thing we have that, ‘not in new york’ rule."
monica,"right. umm, listen since we’re-we-re on that subject, umm, i just wanted to tell you that uh, well, i-i was going through a really hard time in london, what with my brother getting married and that guy thinking i was ross’s mother…",chandler,right.
monica,"well, an-anyway, i just—that night meant a lot to me, i guess i’m just trying to say thanks.",chandler,"oh. y’know, that night meant a lot to me too, and it wasn’t because i was in a bad place or anything, it just meant a lot to me ‘cause, you’re really hot! is that okay?"
monica,that’s okay.,chandler,and i’m cute too.
monica,and you’re cute too.,chandler,"thank you!  all right, i gotta go unpack."
monica,okay.,chandler,bye.
monica,that counts!,chandler,"oh, good!"
monica,hey.,chandler,hey.
monica,"oh my god! you cleaned!  look at these floors! you did the windows! oh, i have been begging you for months and you did! you cleaned! and nagging works!",chandler,"y’know uh, i didn’t actually do this."
monica,"oh no, was i cleaning in my sleep again?",chandler,"no, it wasn’t you."
monica,well then who?,chandler,i got a maid. yay!
monica,"i hope by maid you mean mistress, because if some other woman was here cleaning then…",chandler,"uh honey, i know you don’t like to relinquish control…"
monica,"oh, relinquish is just a fancy word for lose!",chandler,"look, she’s really nice. okay? and she mentioned that she adored the way that you arranged the sponges."
monica,did she really say that?,chandler,"yes, i distinctly remember ‘cause i thought it was a joke. now just give her a chance, okay?"
monica,"fine, i can do it.  whew.",chandler,what’s the matter?
monica,okay.,chandler,see? i told you.
monica,she stole my jeans!,chandler,what?
monica,i have been looking for them all week and she is wearing them!,chandler,so she stole your pants and then she came back and wore them in front of you?
monica,don’t you see? it’s the perfect crime!,chandler,she must’ve been planning this for years!
monica,i will prove it to you! okay? about a week ago i was wearing those jeans and i dropped a pen in my lap and it left an ink stain on the crotch. now when she comes back i will find it and show you that stain!,chandler,"honey, isn’t it possible that the company that sold the jeans made more than just the one pair?"
monica,i guess.,chandler,"so, shouldn’t we go give her the benefit of the doubt before we go…snooping around her crotch?"
monica,fine. i’m just glad i didn’t give her my secret ingredient.,chandler,"out of curiosity, what is your secret ingredient?"
phoebe,really? that’s the thing i’m worse at! you’ll see.,chandler,hi!
monica,"hey! umm, i think brenda needs a raise.",chandler,how come?
monica,because i put my head between her legs.,chandler,to see her pants?
monica,they’re my pants!,chandler,are you sure? did you see the stain?
monica,no! i was just getting into position and then everything went dark.,chandler,"god! she is not stealing from us! okay, will you let this go?"
monica,fine.  she’s wearing my bra!,chandler,oh dear god!
monica,my pink flowered bra! i recognize the strap!,chandler,and yet you don’t recognize that you’re crazy.
monica,here’s the plan! okay? i’m going to leave you get a look at brenda’s bra!,chandler,here’s another plan…no!
monica,i would do it but she thinks i’m attracted to her!,chandler,why?
monica,did you not hear where my head was? come on! come on we’re a team! we’re in this together!,chandler,i fear a jury will see it the same way!
monica,"do this for me! come on, i catch you looking at woman’s breasts all the time!",chandler,you see that?
monica,do you see this?,chandler,all right. yes. okay. i get your point. but if it’s not your bra will you just let the woman clean the apartment?!
monica,"yes! absolutely. okay? look, you’ll know it’s mine because on the right cup, the lacey part, there’s a very noticeable rip.",chandler,you need new clothes.
brenda,what are you doing?,chandler,i’m leaning. this is where i lean.
brenda,okay. (goes over and fluffs up the pillows on the couch.,chandler,brenda a bee!
brenda,what?,chandler,yes! it’s flown into your blouse and you’d better undo your buttons lest it sting you!
brenda,i think i know what’s going on here.,chandler,you do?
brenda,"look, i know it must be hard that your wife is a lesbian, but it’s wrong. you’re married.",chandler,i totally understand.  can i just see your bra?
rachel,okay. hey. umm. does everybody hate these shoes?,chandler,"oh yeah, but dont worry. i dont think anybodys gonna focus on that as long as your wearing that towel dress."
ross,its her first day at this new job. your not supposed to start with her!,chandler,"all right, i suppose i can wait a day. hey, what are you doing friday?"
ross,why?,chandler,"i need you to come to this bachelor party for my weird cousin albert, yknow hes the botanist."
ross,"oh god. yknow, botanists are such geeks.",chandler,yeah. is that a dinosaur tie?
phoebe,"morning. rach, im here with the purses!",chandler,it must take you forever to find your keys.
rachel,oh.,chandler,"hey, so can you make it on friday?"
ross,"what? oh yeah, yeah i think so. why am i invited to this again?",chandler,well apparently albert has no friends. hes very excited about the bachelor party though. i think actually the only reason hes getting married is so he can see a stripper.
phoebe,"a stripper at a bachelor party, that is so clich�. why dont you get a magician?!",chandler,"well, if the magician can open my beer with his but cheeks, then all right."
ross,"shes having lunch with him. shes having lunch with him. and you should of seen the hug she gave him when she got the job. and, and, and,  hes really good looking.  what am i gonna do?",chandler,dont do anything. keep it inside. learn how to hide your feelings!  dont cry outloud.
joey,yes! guess whos in an audition for a broadway musical?,chandler,"i want to say you but, that seems like such an easy answer."
joey,who?,chandler,ill get you the cliff notes.
joey,the what?,chandler,the abridgment.
director,"joey, all the roles got to dance a little. but believe me with your dance background itll be a piece of cake.",chandler,....three years of modern dance with twila tharp! five years with the american ballet theater?!
joey,"yeah, i can dance, yknow.",chandler,"oh no, no, no, no."
joey,"sure, it looks stupid now, theres no music playing.",chandler,"all right, i have to get that, but no-no.  hello?   hi! yeah listen, im, im in need of a stripper and i was told that you do that.  let me ask you this, what, what do you do for the extra hundred?  so would i, would i have to provide the grapes?"
joey,get out! i couldnt stop if a meteor hit me.,chandler,"okay, we have our stripper. a miss crystal chandelier."
joey,the empty vase. translucent beauty...,chandler,"to yourself.  hey-hey-hey, yknow what thats pretty good."
monica,"all right, just give it back to me when your done. see you guys.",chandler,bye-bye.
phoebe,"oh my god, oh my god! poor monica!",chandler,"what, what, what?!"
phoebe,"what?! he was with her when he wrote this poem. look,  my vessel so empty with nothing inside. now that ive touched you, you seem emptier still. he thinks monica is empty, she is the empty vase!",chandler,you really think that is what he meant?
ross,why?! how?! how is he a genius?,chandler,"look, dont you see whats happening here. instead of hitting on her right away, hes becoming her confidant. now hes gonna be the guy she goes too to complain about you."
ross,what am i going to do?,chandler,"well, why dont you send her a musical bug, op, no you already did that. all right look, youre going to have to go there yourself now, okay, make a few surprise visits."
ross,i dont know you guys.,chandler,"all right fine, dont do anything, just sit here and talk to us, meanwhile she is talking to him about you. and hes being mr. joe sensitive, and she starts thinking maybe this is the guy for me, because he understands me."
joey,"and before you know it, shes with him. and youll be all, ohh, man! and hell be all, yes! and us, well be like, wh-whoa, dude. and pretty soon youll be like,  hhiii, and, and, and, i cant go, rachel and mark might be there. and well be like, man get over it, its been four years!!",chandler,he paints quite a picture doesnt he?
rachel,"so ah, did you have fun at the bachelor party last night?",chandler,"oh yeah, yeah! look what i got, look what i got.  see, shes fully dressed, right?"
rachel,right.,chandler,"and then you click it and, uh-oh, shes naked. and then, and then you click it again and shes dressed. shes a business woman, shes walking down the street, shes window shopping, and  whoa-whoa-whoa, sh-shes naked!"
rachel,hello.,chandler,"yknow what, im, im gonna spend some alone time with the pen."
ross,i gotta get going. bye chandler.,chandler,"oh, okay ross. listen, this pen is kinda getting boring, so can you pick me up some porn?"
rachel,you have a play date with a stripper?!,chandler,"man, i gotta get a kid."
rachel,"well, theres a kiss that he wont forget for a couple of hours, yknow.",chandler,"yeah. either that, or you just turned him on and sent him off to a stripper."
rachel,shut up!,chandler,tell me what?
monica,"look at you, you wont even look at him.",chandler,"oh, come on tell me. i could use another reason why women wont look at me."
phoebe,doing it on this table.,chandler,wow!
ross,"why, why, why would you dream that?",chandler,"more importantly, was i any good?"
rachel,"well, you were pretty damn good.",chandler,"interesting, cause in my dreams, im allways surprisingly inadequate."
ross,"i love it, when we share.",chandler,youre okay there?
ross,i cant belive you two had sex in her dream.,chandler,"im sorry, it was a one-time-thing. i was very drunk and i was somebody elses subconscious."
phoebe,"just for some short-term-work. you know, until i get back some of my massage clients.",chandler,pirates again?
joey,"hey, hey, chan. she could work for you.",chandler,"thanks joey, thats a good idea."
phoebe,"what... i could, i could do it. what is it?",chandler,"well, my secretary is gonna be out for a couple of weeks. she is having one of her boobs redused.  its a whole big boob story."
phoebe,i could be a secretary.,chandler,"well, you know phoebs. i dont know if its your kinda thing, because it involves a lot of being normal. for a large portion of the day."
ross,"no, its for when carol goes into labor. she can get me wherever i am. i mean, all she has to do is to dial 55-jimbo.",chandler,"a cool phone number, and a possible name for the kid."
monica,hes... our age.,chandler,when we were?
ross,college?,chandler,whoa! and this manchild has no problem with how old you are?
phoebe,there you go.,chandler,can you hear that?
phoebe,yeah?,chandler,see thatll stop when you pick up the phone.
phoebe,"mr. bings office.  no im sorry, hes in a meeting right now.",chandler,im not in a meeting. im right... whoops.
phoebe,"will he know what this is in reference to?  and he has your number?  all right, ill see that he gets the message. bye bye.",chandler,what?
phoebe,ross says hi.,chandler,ah!
phoebe,"this is so fun. all right, what do we do now?",chandler,"well, now, i actually have to get to work."
phoebe,"most likely.  okay, im gonna be out there.",chandler,okay.
phoebe,all right. bye bye.,chandler,bye bye.
phoebe,whatcha doin?,chandler,ooh.
phoebe,"oh, exellent. everyone was so, so nice.",chandler,"see, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes.  me."
phoebe,"no, i didnt tell anybody that i knew you.",chandler,why not?
phoebe,"oh, because, you know... they dont like you.",chandler,what?!
phoebe,i thought you knew that.,chandler,noho. who doesnt they like me?
phoebe,everyone. except for uh... no everyone.,chandler,what are you talking about?
phoebe,"dont feel bad. you know they used to like you a lot. but then you got promoted, and, you know, now youre like mr. boss man. you know, mr. bing. mr. bing, boss man bing.",chandler,i cant belive it.
phoebe,"yeah, yeah. they even do you.",chandler,they do me?
phoebe,you know like... uh okay... uh... could that report be any later?,chandler,i dont sound like that.
"phoebe, joey, and ross",my scones.,chandler,"okay, i dont sound like that. that is so not true."
ross,"okay, andr� should be there in like 45 minutes. all rightie, bye bye.  just easier that way.",chandler,"oh, come on. you told me about the last dream."
rachel,"no, forget it.",chandler,"oh, why not. was i doing anything particularly... saucy?"
monica,"no. you know, sometimes just things doesnt work out.",chandler,and this has nothing to do with the fact that he needs a note to get out of gym.
joey,stegosaurus!,chandler,tyrannosaurus!
phoebe,"um, oh, ive got a birthday party, with some work people.",chandler,work people? nobody told me.
phoebe,"no, i know. thats a part of the whole, you know, them-not-liking-you-extravaganza.",chandler,"you know, i dont get this. a month ago, these people were my friends. you know, just because im in charge doesnt mean im a different person."
phoebe,"well, then you should come tonight. you know, just hang out with them. let them see what a great guy you still are.",chandler,you think i should?
phoebe,"i really do, yeah.",chandler,okay.
phoebe,okay.,chandler,okay.
phoebe,"oh, but, could we not go together? i,i dont wanna be the geek that invited the boss.",chandler,"i think last night was great. you know, the karaoke thing. tracy and i doing ebony and ivory."
phoebe,you were great. but they still made fun of you.,chandler,what?
phoebe,"you know, now youre more like, you know like, mr. caring boss, mr., you know, im one of you, boss, mr., i wanna be your buddy, boss man bing!",chandler,"then, i dont get it."
phoebe,"well, you know what chandler? i think youve gotta face it. youre like, the guy in the big office, you know. youre the one that hires them, that fires them... they still say youre a great boss.",chandler,they do?
phoebe,uh huh. but theyre not your friends anymore.,chandler,i just want to...
phoebe,"no, but you cant.",chandler,but i just wa...
petrie,loved your stevie wonder last night.,chandler,"thanks. listen, about the weekly numbers, im gonna need them on my desk by nine oclock."
gerston,no problem.,chandler,"you have to give em something, you know. okay, now that was gerston, santos, and whos the guy with the moustache?"
phoebe,petrie.,chandler,"petrie, right, right. okay, some people gonna be working this weekend."
ross,"monica, lets go. come on now people, woman in labor.",chandler,"hey ross, look what ive got going here."
joey,for the ride.,chandler,"yeah, like in a cab..."
ross,save it.,chandler,"okay, hating this."
joey,"all right, im going. im going.",chandler,"here we go, here we go."
rachel,"yeah, it’s just y’know…",chandler,monica said wedding.
rachel,oh! i would love to read a poem.,chandler,do you think you could get through a poem?
ross,"okay. yeah, i guess, i guess i could do that too.",chandler,too?
ross,"sorry, i’m kinda keeping this one on the q.t.",chandler,"well, whatever it is, i hope it involves winking."
all,oh!!,chandler,that’s great!
joey,"and-and-and not only that, i’m gettin’ a new brain!!",chandler,so great things are happening at work and in your personal life!
monica,wouldn’t you love to do it just once?!,chandler,don’t do it.
monica,what is that?,chandler,i think it’s the dying cat parade.
monica,it sounds like it’s coming from across the street.,chandler,oh my god!
monica,what?,chandler,"y’know that thing that ross was gonna do at our wedding?! he was hanging out with me yesterday and he turned to me and said, you’re half scottish right?"
monica,nooo!!,chandler,yes!!
monica,"no, there is no way! it can not be ross!  unbelievable! why is your family scottish?!",chandler,why is your family ross?!
monica,"he cannot play at our wedding! i mean everyone will leave! i mean come on, that is just noise! it’s not even a song!",chandler,"if you listen very carefully, i think its celebration by cool and the gang."
joey,i can do an english accent?! that baby’s going on my resume!,chandler,"well, i feel like a snack!"
monica,do you want some shortbread? eh that’s scottish like you are.,chandler,oh no thanks. i don’t like any thing from my scottish heritage.
ross,what?!,chandler,"well it’s just my entire family was run out of scotland by…vikings. anyway, lots of bad memories."
ross,how did you know about that?!,chandler,we heard you play all the way from your apartment!
ross,were you the ones called the cops?!,chandler,"that’s not really important right now. what is important is; while we appreciate the gesture, we just don’t feel bagpipes are appropriate for our wedding."
ross,why not?,chandler,because we hate them.
ross,come on that’s not fair! i mean you haven’t even heard me play!,chandler,we have heard you play.
phoebe,"oh, thank you.",chandler,"hey, anybody got a length of rope about six feet long with a little nouse at the end?"
monica,"honey, what’s the matter?",chandler,i just saw janice.
all,oh.,chandler,"yeah, she was at rockefeller center skating with her husband, she looked so happy. i almost feel bad for whipping that kid’s pretzel at them."
joey,"man, i remember the first time i saw that girl katherine, after we broke up. she was just walking with her friend donna, just laughing and talking. god, it killed me.",chandler,"yes, but you ended up having sex with both of them that afternoon."
ross,"hey chandler, there’s a party tomorrow, you’ll feel better then.",chandler,"oh, yknow what, i’m gonna be okay, you don’t have to throw a party for me."
monica,it’s joey’s birthday.,chandler,"oh, well then, if anybody should have a party it should be him."
monica,sush!! i cannot believe she is still up there.,chandler,"okay, well he totally screwed up the punch line. yknow, it’s supposed to be arrghh-eh og-errigh."
joey,chandler!,chandler,hello-dillillio!!
monica,stick out your tongue.,chandler,take off your shirt!
joey,oh my god! how many of these things did you have? these are pure vodka.,chandler,"yeah, jell-o just like mom used to make."
joey,hey!! hey-hey-hey!,chandler,"okay, how many of that girl are you seeing?"
monica,"how hammered are you? huh? these, these are joey’s sisters.",chandler,hi joey’s sisters!
sister 1,what ‘cha doing?,chandler,"oh, i’m taking my ex-girlfriend of my speed dialer."
joey’s sisters,oh!!,chandler,"no-no-no-no, no, it’s a good thing. why must we dial so speedily anyway? why must we rush through life? why can’t we savor the precious moments?  those are some huge breasts you have."
monica,how ya feelin’?,chandler,"well, my apartment isn’t there anymore, because i drank it."
ross,yeah.,chandler,"yeah, i ended up in the storage room, and not alone."
all,woooo hoooo!!!,chandler,"ow, no ‘woo-hooing,’ no ‘woo-hooing.’"
phoebe,"why, what happened?",chandler,"ah, i fooled around with joey’s sister.  well, that’s not the worst part."
monica,what is the worse part?,chandler,i can’t remember which sister.
monica,"are you insane? i mean joey, is going to kill you, he’s actually going to kill you dead.",chandler,okay! you don’t think i thought of that?
monica,"no, no, no, that’s dina.",chandler,"you see you can’t tell which one is which either, dwha!!"
phoebe,we didn’t fool around with any of them. dwha! dwha!,chandler,"veronica. look, it’s got to be veronica, the girl in the red skirt. i definitely stuck my tongue down her throat."
monica,that was me.,chandler,"look, when i’ve been drinking, sometimes i tend to get overly friendly, and i’m sorry."
joey,come on!!,chandler,"why can’t we talk in here? with, with, witnesses."
joey,"why don’t you ask chandler, ‘cause he’s the one that fooled around with her. she told me you said you could really fall for her. now is that true? or are you just gettin’ over janice by groping my sister.",chandler,it’s gotta be the first one.
joey,"really? that’s great! you and my sister, sittin’ in a tree.",chandler,"yep, i’m in a tree."
ross,dear mary-angela. hi. how’s it going. this is the hardest letter i’ve ever had to write.  what the hell’s a matter with you? how do you think joey’s going to react when he finds out that you blew off his sister with a letter?,chandler,"well, that’s the part where you tell him that i moved to france. when actually i’ll be in cuba."
ross,"all right, look, look, you’ve got to do this yourself, okay in person. at least you know her name. you just go to the house and you ask for mary-angela, okay, when which ever one she is comes to the door, you take her for a walk, you let her down easy.",chandler,what if mary-angela comes to the door and i ask for mary-angela?
ross,where in cuba?,chandler,"joey, what-wh-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-what are you doing here?"
joey,waiting for my grandma to finish my laundry. what about you?,chandler,i’m here to see mary-angela.
joey,"you are so the man!  now look, listen, listen, you got to be cool, ‘cause my grandma doesn’t know about you two yet, and you do not want to tick her off. she was like the sixth person to spit on mussolinis hanging body. yeah.",chandler,where’s mary-angela?
ross,you grow up.,chandler,"this teramisu is, is excellent. did you make it mary-angela?"
joey’s grandmother,no! i did!,chandler,"well, it’s, it’s yummy. so mary-angela do you like it?"
joey’s grandmother,of course! it’s her favorite.,chandler,"so um, mary-angela, what’s your second favorite?"
joey’s grandmother,more of grandma’s teramisu.,chandler,would you just please....give me the receipt ‘cause this is great. it’s top notch.
joey’s grandmother,that dies with me.,chandler,so will i.
joey’s sister,"excuse yourself, and go to the bathroom.",chandler,oh no-no-no i was just squinting. that doesn’t mean anything.
joey’s sister,just do it.,chandler,will you excuse me i have to um.....
joey’s sister,"finally, i thought we’d never be alone. can i just tell you something, i have not stopped thinking about you since the party.",chandler,"look, i may have jumped the gun here.  um, i just got out of a relationship and i’m not really in a, in a commitment kind of place."
joey’s sister,"so! me neither! god, mary-angela was right you do have the softest lips.",chandler,"ahhhh, you’re not mary-angela."
joey’s sister,"no, i’m mary-theresa.",chandler,"this is so bad. if-if you’re not mary-angela, then-then who is?"
mary-angela,i am!,chandler,"oh, this is soo bad."
mary-angela,joey!!!,chandler,no joey! no joey! don’t joey! joey!
joey,what’s goin’ on?,chandler,you’re it! now run and hide!
joey,"what?! how could you do that, how could you think she was mary-angela?",chandler,"i wasn’t sure which one mary-angela was.  look, i’m sorry okay, i was really drunk, and you all look really similar."
all,yeah! punch him!!,chandler,"yknow what, we should all calm down because your brother’s not going to punch me.  are ya?"
joey,"well, that is usually what i would do. but i just never thought you’d be on the receiving end of it. how could you do this?!",chandler,"joey if you wanna punch me, go ahead, i deserve it. but i just want you to know that i would never soberly hurt you or your family, you’re my best friend. i would never do anything like this ever again."
joey,"no you won’t. look he knows he did a terrible thing and i believe him, he’s sorry. but,  you’ve got one more apology to make, all right, you’ve got to apologize to mary-angela.",chandler,"okay, absolutely!"
joey,all right.,chandler,you’ve got it.
joey,"cookie, now you can punch him!",chandler,what?!
phoebe,thanks you guys! thank you.,chandler,don’t worry.
monica,"or win, lose or draw.",chandler,what did i marry into?
monica,ross and i always wanted to be donny and marie.,chandler,you guys just keep getting cooler and cooler!
ross,...and im a little bit rock n roll!,chandler,im leaving you.
ross,"so weird to see all these people again... oh my god, look, theres geoffrey cleric.",chandler,who?
ross,he was roommates with john rosoff. he went out with andrea tamburino. she dumped him for michael skloff.,chandler,did i go to this school?
ross,"hey, theres missy goldberg. you gotta remember her.",chandler,"sure, nice."
ross,dude. youre married to my sister.,chandler,"youre right, by saying nice im virtually licking her."
ross,"hey, i hear shes single again, dyou think i should ask her out?",chandler,are you asking permission to break the pact?
ross,"hey. hey, check out the flyers for the band. i made em on a macintosh in the computer room!",chandler,"awesome, the name really stands out."
ross,thanks to a little something called helvetica bold 24 point!,chandler,"man, were gonna rock that asian student union!"
missy,hey guys!,chandler,hey!
ross,"hey, missy...",chandler,"you know, our band is playing on friday."
missy,right. ill be there.,chandler,fresh!
ross,boss!,chandler,mint!
ross,shes gone.,chandler,"i know it. you know, im totally gonna ask her out."
ross,"dude, i was gonna ask her out.",chandler,"i said it first, bro."
ross,"well, i thought it first, holmes.",chandler,"look, if you did..."
ross,"woha! wait... what are we doing? what we have is too important to mess it up over some girl. i mean, we can get laid anytime we want.",chandler,totally. i had sex in high school...
ross,me too. im good at it.,chandler,"all right, id say we make a pact. neither of us will go out with missy goldberg."
ross,you got it.,chandler,"all right, so thats missy goldberg, phoebe cates and molly ringwald, who neither of us can go out with."
ross,those are the pacts!,chandler,"oh, and sheena easton. but we probably couldnt get her anyway."
ross,"oh, oh... maybe not you!",chandler,"well, i officially give you permission to break the pact."
ross,"thank you.  all right, here i go. hey, remember how scary it used to be going up to girls in college?",chandler,your hands are shaking.
ross,"you made out with missy goldberg. how could you do that, after you promised me?",chandler,excuse me. . that didnt make us sound gay at all!
ross,you broke the pact!,chandler,"ross, that was 16 years ago!"
ross,that doesnt matter! were talking about the foundation of our friendship.,chandler,"i believe the foundation of our friendship was unfortunate hair.  all right, look, if were really gonna do this... its not like you never broke one of the pacts."
ross,i didnt.,chandler,oh really?
ross,no.,chandler,oh really!?
ross,no!,chandler,adrienne turner!!
ross,i never did anything with adrienne turner.,chandler,"oh please, and you knew how much i liked her."
ross,i dont know what... youre talking about.,chandler,really?
rachel,"well lets see. maybe he knows where ross is.  hey, hows it going .",chandler,arent you...?
rachel,"yeah, rachel. and this  is ross sister, monica. we met at thanksgiving. .",chandler,right.  so howre you doing?
rachel,bitchin,chandler,hi monica.
monica,hi chandler. its really nice to see you  not.,chandler,o-kay. ill see if i can find ross.
ross,i didnt know you knew about that.,chandler,"well, i did and it hurt.  thats when i wrote the song: betrayal in the common room."
ross,man... i... im sorry.,chandler,look  it was a lo-o-ong time ago.
ross,"so, eh. i made out with adrienne and you made out with missy. well i guess were even.",chandler,hmm mmmhm..
ross,"we are even, right?",chandler,"just one more thing. i was so pissed at you that night that i wanted to get back at you. so i thought, who does ross like the more than anybody?"
ross,what did you do to my mom?,chandler,not her!
monica,thats weird. ive had the same number of beers as you and i dont feel anything at all.,chandler,soo... you girls having fun?
rachel,i am soo not going to do good on my sats tomorrow.,chandler,well maybe if you go to school here next year we can totally hang out.
rachel,oh yeah. there is a plan! why dont i just start taking my smart pills now?,chandler,"well, maybe you can get in on a beauty scholarship."
rachel,"oh, what a line.",chandler,so where are you applying to?
rachel,"oh well, you know, i think its kinda really important that i go somewhere where theres sun, so im sort of...   hey!",chandler,im in college and im in a band.
monica,oh my god! thats wild!,chandler,"yeah, but it was like a million years ago, so it doesnt matter."
ross,"well, it matters to me.",chandler,why?
ross,because... the night you kissed rachel was the night i kissed rachel for the very first time.,chandler,you kissed her that night too?
monica,"two guys in one night? wow, i thought she became a slut after she got her nose fixed.",chandler,"seriously, where did this happen?"
ross,"okay, after you told me she was passed out in our room, i went in there to make sure she was all right. she was lying on my bed, all buried in peoples coats. well, i went to kiss her on the forehead, you know. but it was so dark, i accidentally got her lips. i started to pull away, but then i felt her start to kiss me back. it was only for a second, but... it was amazing. and now, now i find out that you kissed her first.",chandler,oh wait... what bed did you say she was on?
ross,mine.,chandler,im pretty sure i put her on my bed.
ross,"no, she was definitely on my bed.",chandler,"why would i kiss a girl, and then put her on your bed?"
monica,you were my first kiss ever?,chandler,what did i marry into?
rachel,noooooooo!!,chandler,"y’know when we move in together, can i get a gumball machine?"
monica,of course! joey wouldn’t let you have one?,chandler,"no. when it comes to sweets, he’s surprisingly strict."
monica,"hey, have you figured out a way to tell him you’re moving out?",chandler,"no, no, i keep trying, y’know? i can get out, joey, i have too… but then i lose my nerve and i always finish with, …go to the bathroom. he may think i’m sick."
monica,"y’know, i really have to tell rachel, but i… we just have to get it over with! y’know, the next time we see them we’re just gonna tell them. okay? that’s it.",chandler,"oh, so that’s this is gonna work now? you’re just gonna order me around all the time?"
monica,pretty much.,chandler,all right.
joey,oh my god! you’re pregnant!,chandler,"no-o-o!  no?  no-o-o! look joey, here’s the thing, monica and i have decided to live together, here. so, i’m gonna be moving out man."
joey,"yeah, i gotta go! i got an acting job.  like you’d believe that. this sucks!",chandler,"look, i-i’m just gonna be right across the hall and i promise you, the minute monica and i break up i’m moving right back in with you!"
ross,"and if you wait right here, i’ll go get ross.",chandler,hey!
monica,"ugh, i thought you were rachel!",chandler,what gave me away?
monica,"i just tell her, i have to get it over with. i told ross and phoebe and she’s the only one left!",chandler,"okay, so that’s it, everybody knows! it’s official, we’re moving in together. no turning back. are ya scared? are ya?"
monica,no.,chandler,wow that was my scariest voice! you’re very brave.
rachel,hey!,chandler,hey.
rachel,"ugh, the worse day! y’know, you think you’re making progress at work and then your boss calls you raquel.",chandler,"hey listen, for the first four years of my work everybody called me sha-la-lap.  seriously."
rachel,"i believe you. so, it was right in the middle of a staff meeting so of course no one else wants to correct her so everyone else is calling me raquel! by the end of the day, the mailroom guys were calling me rocky!",chandler,"well, i-i still think you’re very-very nice and very pretty…"
rachel,what?,chandler,all yours babe.
rachel,"and chandler, you’re gonna have to watch those long showers you take in the morning because you know raquel can’t be late.",chandler,rach…
karin,i am so attracted to him right now.,chandler,"okay, when are we gonna tell rachel what is actually gonna happen?"
monica,"soon! i-i just couldn’t before. you saw how upset joey got! i couldn’t do that to her, she’s my best friend!",chandler,"well, joey’s my best friend."
monica,i’m not your best friend?,chandler,you just said… of course you’re my best friend. would you please tell rachel though?
monica,"all right, all right, at least i’m prepared.",chandler,okay.  oh yes.
monica,hey!,chandler,hey-hey!
monica,these aren’t for you! are you upset?,chandler,i am now!
rachel,hey roomie!,chandler,"okay, bye!"
joey,"god, it’s gonna so weird like when i come home and you’re not here. y’know? no more joey and chan’s. no more j and c’s. you wanna go over to joey and chandler’s? can’t, its not there.",chandler,"look, i’m just gonna be across the hall, we can still do all the same stuff."
joey,yeah but we won’t be able to like get up in the middle of the night and have those long talks about our feelings and the future.,chandler,not once did we do that.
monica,hi.,chandler,hey!
monica,"so i, i told rachel it was just gonna be the two of us.",chandler,"oh yeah? well, how’d she take it?"
monica,"really well. yeah. surprisingly well. yeah, she didn’t cry. she wasn’t angry or sad.",chandler,and you’re upset because you didn’t make your best friend cry?
joey,hey! i did not cry my eyes out!! come on! it’s like the end of an era! no more j-man and channie’s!!,chandler,"okay, i gotta ask, who calls us that?!"
rachel,when?! after the birth of our first secret child?!  ross didn’t get the annulment; we are still married.,chandler,what?
ross,"okay, maybe it wasn’t my best decision. but i just couldn’t face another failed marriage.",chandler,"okay, let me just jump in and ask, at what point did you think this was a successful marriage?"
phoebe,another lie. you have a sickness!,chandler,"ross, just for my own piece of mind, you’re not married to anymore of us are ya?"
joey,there’s a lost and found?  my shoe!,chandler,you left a shoe here?!
joey,"well, i didn’t realize until i got home. i wasn’t gonna walk all the way back down here with one shoe! y’know what? i’m gonna go find that guy’s car and leave a note on the windshield.",chandler,"oh good, when he comes back for his keys, i’ll be sure to give him your shoe."
monica,"oh my god, what a fun day! that sounds great!",chandler,"yeah, all right."
phoebe,"okay, well i’ll bring them by tomorrow morning. okay, and uh, by the way, they’re not actually puppies, they’re frank and alice’s triplets. okay, see ya!",chandler,whoa-whoa-whoa! what?
monica,"don’t worry about it phoebe, we’ll absolutely do it.",chandler,"yeah, i’m gonna pass. ‘cause i was kinda iffy when it was puppies."
monica,"nope, sound like me. pheebs, it’s going great. look at chandler with little baby girl chandler.",chandler,"little baby girl chandler, where i have heard that before? oh right, coach ruben.  do you know what pheebs? when you’re done over there, we kinda have a situation over here too."
phoebe,"na-uh, no, we are all responsible for our own babies.",chandler,see that’s where i think that you’re wrong. we’ve been playing these babies man for man; we should really be playing a zone defense.
monica,what do you mean?,chandler,"i just think that things would go a lot smoother if we each have our own zone. phoebe, you can be in charge of wiping. and y’know mon, you can be in charge of diapering and i can be in charge of looking how cute they are when they put their hands around…"
phoebe,"that sounds really great, but maybe you should be in charge of wiping.",chandler,"okay, i’m a rookie. i should not be in the end zone."
joey,hey guys!,chandler,hey!
joey,"hey babies! oh, i’m having the best morning. that uh, that porsche i’ve got the keys too, still there!",chandler,shocking! since you still have the keys.
joey,"you should see the treatment i get when i’m with that car! people are friendly; they-they wanna talk, and not just about the car! one guy gave me advice about my equity investments.",chandler,what equity investments?
monica,"oh yeah, i got soap and sponges and rags and carnuba wax and polishing compound.",chandler,you don’t even have a car!
monica,"i know. but umm, one time there was this really dirty car in front of the building, so i washed it.",chandler,and?
monica,and six others.,chandler,there you are.
monica,"yeah, two hours, a lifetime that’s the same.",chandler,"check it out! check it out! when the babies wake up, they can meet krog!"
monica,"chandler, what are you doing? that thing can put someone’s eye out!",chandler,he can do more than that! he can destroy the universe!
phoebe,"no chandler, they can swallow one of those little parts! and also, look at his smooth area, that’s just gonna mess them up.",chandler,"they’re not gonna swallow anything, you guys are being way over protective. when i was a kid, my mom used to just throw me into a pile of broken glass!"
phoebe,what?!,chandler,"glass, sand, whatever."
monica,how are you still single?!,chandler,all right.  i thought about it and maybe you’re right. maybe krog is not a safe toy.
monica,good. what made you change your mind?,chandler,i swallowed the sonic blaster gun.
phoebe,how did that happen?!!,chandler,"well, i was trying to prove that i was right. y’know? and it turns out i was wrong. and now it’s lodged in my throat."
joey,so the porsche guy took his car back.,chandler,but you found the keys to his clothes?
joey,of course! only an idiot would wear this stuff if you didn’t have the car! right?,chandler,that is true.
joey,come on! what are you doing?! i’m in character! would you talk to her!,chandler,"ahh, i think it just moved. it’s really poking me."
phoebe,"but no, because a doctor won’t be able to help him, it’s just gonna y’know naturally pass through his system in like seven years.",chandler,i think that’s gum.
phoebe,i’m pretty sure it’s gun.,chandler,"okay, listen this really hurts. let’s go."
phoebe,"me taking care of you is no problem, huh? you guys feel safe. right? okay, i’m gonna take that spit bubble as, yeah, i do! okay, after i get rid of this dirty diaper leslie, i’ll set you up with a clean one.  okay, i’m sorry. i didn’t mean to scare you. i just have to clean that up. okay? ‘cause let’s face it, we’re at monica’s.  i broke it. all right. well, that’s just the way that goes.  okay, good.  why are there only two of you? where is leslie? well, you can’t answer.  leslie? where are you leslie? leslie, now would be a good time for your first words!  well, look at you! hey! you are a little bit mischievous! my gosh!  oh, you’re a lot mischievous! well, it’ll dry.   okay, you sit with your brother and sister now—who aren’t there!",chandler,hey!
phoebe,how do you feel?,chandler,"well, let’s just say that krog will be fully equipped to destroy the universe again in twelve to fourteen hours."
phoebe,"okay, so i totally took care of the babies all by myself! i fed ‘em, bathed ‘em, and put ‘em to bed.",chandler,and protected them from a tornado?
monica,but my apartment!,chandler,was the setting of phoebe’s triumph.
monica,but the mess!,chandler,is not as important as the fact that phoebe took care of the babies all by herself.
monica,"you’re right, you’re right i shouldn’t freak out. ‘cause this is what will happen when you and i have babies! when will that be?!",chandler,"phoebe, would you take a look at this mess!!!!"
monica,we need to talk to you about something.,chandler,yeah. we dont feel like we can host thanksgiving this year.
ross,are you kidding?,chandler,"well, its just with uhm, work and the stress of adoption, we just dont feel like we have the energy. plus, we dont think its fair that every year the burden falls on us."
ross,that doesnt sound like you... thats monica talking!,chandler,"no, no! we made this decision together."
monica,"thats my favourite kind! okay, we are doing this!",chandler,dont let yourself get manipulated this way!
monica,"hey, stay out of this, chandler! this is between me... and me!",chandler,we are supposed to make these decisions together! did you not watch the doctor phil i taped for you?
monica,did someone drop the baton again?,chandler,why come all the way from kansas to do that?
monica,i dont get older. i just get better!,chandler,"you know what just occurred to me? this could be our last thanksgiving just the two of us. i mean, we could be getting a baby soon!"
monica,you dont know that.,chandler,somebody is gonna pick us.
monica,"yeah, but we havent heard a thing from the adoption agency and it has been weeks!",chandler,"im telling ya! its gonna happen. next year its gonna be you, me and the little hemingway bing.  what, hes my favourite author!"
monica,name one of his books.,chandler,the firm?
monica,"ok, lets see... uhm, okay, the turkey is in the oven, the stuffing is ready...",chandler,"you know, you always cook this meal all by yourself. let me help this year."
monica,"oh, chandler, thats sweet. but you dont have to do everything doctor phil tells you to do.",chandler,"im serious, let me do something, just not the turkey or the stuffing, nothing high profile."
monica,"ok, lets see... oh, the cranberry sauce, it is easy to make and no-one really cares about it.",chandler,tell me more.
monica,"okay, im gonna go check on something across the hall. you start by washing these  not with soap!!",chandler,you obviously havent tasted my palmolive potatoes!
joey,oh.,chandler,oh my god!
ross,did i do something to you?,chandler,"hmm, the games at one."
ross,so?,chandler,"dinner is at four, well never gonna make it back."
joey,"so well leave before its over, well be back in time.",chandler,"you say that now, but it could take us a long time to get back home. plus joey could get lost and and they could have to page us to go pick him up."
joey,"dude, two times that happened!",chandler,"look, monica has been working hard all day, she didnt wanna host this thing in the first place, we shouldnt go!"
joey,"right, i guess. alright, so see you at four.",chandler,okay.  and get ready to taste my very special cranberries. or should i say... chanberries!
monica,where is everybody? theyre forty-five minutes late!,chandler,i cant believe they are not here! i slave and i slave for what? theyve ruined cranberry day!
monica,do you hear something?,chandler,theyre out there!
monica,"ohhh! let me see! oh god, i cant believe this! theyre an hour late and theyre just staying out there, talking!",chandler,everything is so distorted! looks like joey has a giant hand! which says rangers on it. they went to the game!
monica,oooh! they are in for a world of pain!,chandler,ross shirt is torn.
monica,no! everythings cold. the turkeys dried out and the... the stuffing is all soggy.,chandler,"yeah, and theres a bowl of cranberry sauce that...  what happens to cranberry sauce?"
monica,nothing. its fine.,chandler,oh thank god!
ross,"come on you guys, were sorry, alri...? our subway broke down.",chandler,"thats a lie, you went to the game, i can see joeys hand."
monica,"hey, you touch that and you will be sorry.",chandler,"guys, id listen to her. the vein is bigger than ive ever seen it."
ross,thats worse than no food.,chandler,ha-ha! all you got was monicas stinky brussels sprouts!
monica,stinky?!,chandler,please let me stay on this side of the door.
joey,"oh! it all looks so beautiful: the turkey, the stuffing...",chandler,the cranberries...?
joey,"hey listen guys, we feel really terrible.",chandler,"hes doing that weird eye contact thing. dont look at him, dont look at him!"
joey,"now lets not ruin this day. you worked so hard. lets move past this and try to have a nice meal all together, huh?",chandler,the floating heads do make a good point.
ross,"really girls, not cool.",chandler,"well, you manheads arent any better. you lied about going to the game. you knew it would make you late, and you still went anyway."
joey,fine! lets just go. i dont need your stupid dinner.,chandler,that would be a lot more convincing if you werent drooling.
joey,aaw-ahhh-aaahhh stop! stop! im worried about damaging my head.,chandler,a little late for that.
monica,"alright, well, this does not change anything.  okay, we need to get something to grease the sides of his face.",chandler,"uhm, weve got turkey grease."
joey,"well hurry, i cant feel my ears!",chandler,can you ever feel your ears?
monica,"chandler, where are your tools?",chandler,"oh, i left them on my bulldozer... i dont have tools!"
joey,its really starting to hurt.,chandler,"okay, look, im gonna pull on the door and you guys push as hard as you can. maybe we can get enough room to wiggle him out, okay? okay, so push!"
joey,ooh! stop putting things down my pants!,chandler,"come on guys, push!"
joey and chandler,push! push! push!,chandler,my cranberries!
joey,"man, ive got food all over me.",chandler,argh! i cant believe what you did. monicas gonna kill you!
monica,i dont care.,chandler,whats going on?
monica,that was the adoption agency...,chandler,and?
monica,were getting a baby!,chandler,are you serious?
joey,"sure. i went through the exact same thing with alicia mae emory... the waiting, the wandering... then one day... i get that call from toys r us... she was in stock!",chandler,that is the exact same thing. the end
monica,i know...god. i havent seen my savings take a hit like this since i was a kid and they came up with double-stuffed oreos. what happened to all our money?,chandler,"im not sure what they did, but im inclined to blame enron."
monica,"i guess with you doing the internship, were just spending more than were bringing in.",chandler,maybe i should quit and get a job that pays.
monica,"oh, but youre finally doing something that you love! i cant ask you to give that up. though itd be nice if the thing that you love was yknow... finding gold.",chandler,you know what? you know what? i think were making too big a deal out of this. ok? so we pay our bills a little late this month and maybe next month we cut back on a few things. and maybe we start eating out of joeys refrigerator for a change. youre chef... what can you make out of backing soda and beer?
monica,ok worse case scenario is...we borrow some money from my parents.,chandler,no! were not borrowing money.
monica,why not?,chandler,because we dont do that. we are bings! and if theres one thing my father taught me was... well to always knock before going into the pool house... but the other thing was never borrow money.
monica,wow! i had no idea you had this much pride.,chandler,thats right! i do! and im your man. and im going to get us through this situation even if it means you working twice as hard.
monica,well you know its just like living with a girl. only they dont steal your makeup. unless theyre playing this is what my sister would look like,chandler,yeah.... shes not so cute.
monica,we dont do that! tell her we dont do that!,chandler,yes dear.
rachel,this is easy...cant do this!  oh! wow! seriously i cant do this.,chandler,hey joe!
joey,hey!,chandler,listen er..i need to ask you a favor but you cant tell monica anything about it.
joey,i thought you didnt have secrets from monica.,chandler,and that would have made the official party line.  monica and i are having a little financial trouble.
joey,"yeah, i know.",chandler,what? what do you mean you know?
joey,"err... i just figured it out! you know, i mean youre not working and the economy is bad.",chandler,oh! right.
joey,thats the fastest i have ever thought!,chandler,"anyway, err... i need to borrow some money."
joey,oh! sure! how much? two thousand dollars?,chandler,yes! two thousand dollars exactly! how do you know that!
joey,err...well i...know how much you used to make and i know how much your rent is.,chandler,oh ok.
joey,err... kind of.,chandler,i cant believe her! did she tell you we were having money problems?
joey,"oh no no no no no... it wasnt... it wasnt because of your money problems, it was for something for her.",chandler,what?
joey,something personal.,chandler,what would she get for herself for two thousand dollars that she wouldnt tell me about?
handyman,thanks.....,chandler,hey rach! there she is...my perfectly proportioned wife.
monica,thank you?,chandler,oh no..dont thank me. thank you. you know theres not one thing i would change about you? not one single thing! and definitely not... two... single things.
monica,"ok, youre being wierd. do you want sex or did you do something bad?",chandler,"no no! i just love the way you look, i am warm, for your form."
monica,"ok..you know the old classics you know,you look nice? theyre still ok.",chandler,"well yes yes... you look nice can mean that your face looks nice. i want to compliment your body. i mean..i wouldnt change it. at all. and more specifically, i wouldnt want anything to get any bigger."
monica,okay...,chandler,"i mean, you wouldnt want any part of me to get any bigger would you? dont answer that."
joey,rach?!  rachel!!!!?  so i cant do anything i like????,chandler,hey rach! ah........ perfection.  wouldnt change a thing. not a thing.
monica,honey?,chandler,yeah?
monica,about that? erm...im going to change.,chandler,but honey you dont have to.
monica,im going to get bigger!,chandler,honey i... i love your breasts the way they are!
monica,"well, my breasts are going to get bigger weather you like it or not! and you know what? its not just my breasts. my ass is going to get bigger too.",chandler,your ass?!?!?
rachel,"man, dont be surprised if her hands and her feet get bigger too!",chandler,they...do that?
monica,its kind of a package deal!,chandler,god why why would you want to do that to yourself!?
monica,i thought i was something that we both wanted!,chandler,"alright look, if it means that much to you, a may be able to get on more with the big boobs. but the giant ass and the big clown feet?"
rachel,"oh my god chandler! if you cant handle this, what are you going to be like in the hospital? with the blood and the screaming and the little present thats shooting out of her!?",chandler,what?
ross,"hey hey, can i help?",chandler,"well! we er..climbed up four flights of stairs, manueveored a narrow hallway, dodged a rabid pitbul... but these last three feet are where it gets really tricky."
phoebe,someday.,chandler,aaaaand....... hernia.
monica,were all sorry...,chandler,"ah, look on the bright side, i mean you wont have to live with this ugly chair! that was here already huh? i love you.  ending credits"
rachel,here you go pheebs. who else wants one of my special homemade brownies?,chandler,i will have one.
phoebe,"no, no, it’s just my tooth.",chandler,all right i’ll have one.
phoebe,"no thanks, i have a good one too. i just, i, i can’t see him.",chandler,see that is the problem with invisible dentists.
phoebe,"because, every time i go to the dentist, somebody dies.",chandler,"that is so weird, because every time i go to the dentist, i look down the hygienist’s blouse."
rachel,"oh, it’s just like a bloodbath in here today.",chandler,"hey! hold on a minute, hold on a second. do you think these pearls are nice?"
joey,i’d really prefer a mountain bike.,chandler,"janice’s birthday is coming up, i want to get her something speacial. come in here with me."
joey,"whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, whoa. do you ah, want to get her something speacial, get her flowers, get her candy, get her gum, girls love gum.",chandler,"that’s a good idea, ‘dear janice have a hubba-bubba birthday’. i would like to get her something serious."
joey,"oh, you want something serious. yknow what you should do, you should get her one of those um, barium enemas. those are dead serious.",chandler,"all right. look, i’m gonna go in here, and you don’t buy me anything ever."
joey,"no, no, you can’t, you can’t, okay, you can’t, you can’t buy her pearls, you just can’t, you can’t, you can’t.",chandler,why not?!
joey,"oh god. uh, okay, here’s the thing, this is the thing, okay, the thing is...",chandler,what is the thing?
joey,"okay. i went down to the ‘mattress king’ showroom and, and i saw janice, kissing her ex-husband.",chandler,what?
joey,they were in his office.,chandler,"well she, she wouldn’t do that, she’s with, she’s with me."
joey,"i’m telling you man, i saw it.",chandler,"yeah, well, you’re wrong! okay, you’re wrong."
janice,how’s my bing-a-ling?,chandler,"ah, i don’t know, you tell me. anything you ah, wanna tell me, because, if you ah, you should, if you, you would, tell me."
janice,why are your eyes so white?,chandler,"you tell me! maybe, it’s because i was just fooling with my ex! oh no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no, that was you!!"
janice,oh my god!!,chandler,all right!
janice,how did you know?,chandler,"joey told me, he saw you two kissing."
janice,in the park?,chandler,no! in his office! how many kisses were there?
janice,just those two!,chandler,"wh-wh-why, wh-why, why, why was there kissing!? there should be no kissing!!"
janice,"oh, i’m sorry honey, i’m so, so,  haaaaa! i’m so, so sorry, i just  haaaaaa! but i, oh what happened was, i-i-i can’t breathe. can you get me a bag, or something?",chandler,here.
janice,the receipt.,chandler,"i’ll take it! all right look, i gotta know. are you finished with me?  are you finished with him?  do you still love him?  do you still love me?  all right look,  i’m gonna need an actual answer here okay, so which is it, him or me?"
joey,"hey! yknow how we ah, save all those chopsticks for no reason we get when we get chinese food?",chandler,yeah.
joey,"well, now we got a reason.",chandler,what?
joey,"well, we’re fashioning a very long poking device.",chandler,all right.
joey,"hey uh, what’s a matter?",chandler,i talked to janice.
joey,"oh my god, is she going back to him?",chandler,"she doesn’t know. says she loves us both. yknow i woke up this morning and i was in love, well i was happy. yknow it serves me right for buying that twelve pack of condoms. and now i can’t even return them, because she choked on the reciept!"
joey,"what are you ah, what are you gonna do?",chandler,"i don’t know, yknow. what, what, would you do?"
joey,"well, it doesn’t matter what i would do.",chandler,"come on, tell me."
joey,"all right, you’re probably not gonna want to hear this but ah, if it was me, and this is just me,  i would ah, i would bow out.",chandler,"what?  what are you, what are you talking about?"
rachel,i’ll get the hat.,chandler,"janice, i have something i need to tell you, and i want you to let me get through it, because it’s, it’s, it’s not gonna be easy."
janice,okay.,chandler,"i think you should go back with gary. i don’t wanna be the guy that breaks up a family, yknow when my parents split up, it was because of that guy. whenever i would see him i was always think yknow ‘you’re the reason, you are the reason why their not together.’ and i hated that guy. and it didn’t matter how nice he was, or how happy he made my dad."
janice,wow!,chandler,"yeah, well. it’s the right thing to do."
janice,"oh! you’re right. oh god. but, before i can say ‘good-bye’, there’s something i really need you to know, chandler. the way i feel about you, it’s like, i finally understand what lionel richie’s been singing about. yknow, i mean what we have, it’s like movie love, you’re my soulmate, and i can’t believe we’re not going to be spending the rest of our lives together.",chandler,then don’t leave me!
janice,what?,chandler,"forget what i said, i was babbling! pick me!"
janice,"no, you were right, you were right. i mean, i-i-i’ve got to give my marriage another chance.",chandler,"no you don’t! no, no, no, i say you have to give your divorce another chance."
janice,i’m sorry.,chandler,ohhh. don’t go.
janice,"no, i-i-i gotta go.",chandler,no. no! no! no!
janice,"honey, honey, people are looking.",chandler,i don’t care!  i don’t care!!
janice,"yeah, um, i’m, i’m leaving now.",chandler,you can’t leave! i have your shoe!
joey,"hey, that’s never gonna make it all the way over here, buddy!",chandler,i’ll hold you close in my arms.  i can’t resist your charms. and love....
chandler and phoebe,"i’ll be a fool for you. i’m sure, you know i don’t mind.",chandler,no you know i don’t mind.
chandler and phoebe,yes! you mean the world the world to me. oh...,chandler,i know.
phoebe,i know.,chandler,i’ve found.
rachel,do you have anything that would... get us out of them?,chandler,"yeah ross, i mean... were excited to hear the speech but the rest of the time were gonna wanna do, you know, islands stuff."
monica,see?,chandler,"yeah, thats the same as it has something to do with wind."
phoebe,"really, it doesnt mean anything. i mean, you know, monica refers to chandler as richard all the time!",chandler,she does?
david,"well, phoebes still pretty hung up on that mike, uh?",chandler,i wouldnt read too much into it.
david,"still you know, a girl calls you by your ex-boyfriends name, that-thats not a good thing, right?",chandler,"david, let me stop you there cause i think i see where this is going. im not very good at giving advice. so if you want advice, go to ross, monica, or... joey, if the thing you wanna advice about is pizza toppings or burning sensation when you pee."
david,"sorry, i just... i wish there was something i could do, you know? well, you know phoebe...",chandler,"seriously, were gonna do this?"
david,"im sorry, uh... i just wish i could make her forget about mike already, you know... why did phoebe and mike break up?",chandler,"oh, because his penis was too big.  oh, im sorry, thats the kind of thing i do.  they broke up because mike didnt want to get married. hey, what if you just let phoebe know youd be open to marriage?"
david,thats great! thats great! i-ill propose to her!,chandler,what?
david,"well, i was probably going to do it at some point.",chandler,i didnt mean now...
david,"why not? its brilliant!  goodbye mike, well see you at the wedding, fella!  well, we probably wont invite you to the wedding...  thank you, chandler. sincerely.",chandler,"well, youre welcome! glad i could help."
david,how do you think i should propose?,chandler,"david, im pretending to read here!!"
monica,wow! that mike thing was interesting! i dont know whats gonna happen with phoebe and david.,chandler,i do! want a hint? huh? i do  i do.
monica,"ok, im sensing that this is some kind of word play, because you are pink with barely controlled glee.",chandler,david is going to propose to phoebe.
monica,what?  why?,chandler,"be-cause, we were talking about ways that he could beat mike and i told him that phoebe wanted to get married."
monica,"chandler, we have talked about this. you are not supposed to give people advice! now couldnt you just have made some sort of inappropriate joke?",chandler,"i did! a penis one! look, just so i know, what was so wrong about what i said?"
monica,"theyve only been going out for a few weeks and phoebe is completely hung up on mike! shell say no, davids heart will be broken, it will be too hard for them to recover from and then phoebe will end up alone again.",chandler,"man, thats some bad advice!"
monica,"ok! when i go places with high humidity, it gets a little extra body, ok?!",chandler,thats why our honeymoon photos look like me and diana ross!
david,"so, ehm... im proposing to pheobe tonight.",chandler,"tonight?!  isnt an engagement ring supposed to have a diamond?  oh, there it is!"
david,"yeah, well, being a failed scientist doesnt pay quite as well as you might think. thats uhm... one seventieth of a karat. and the clarity is uhm... is quite poor.",chandler,nice!
monica,ok!,chandler,david is going to propose to phoebe tonight!
monica,see what happens when you give people advice? i hope you told him not to?,chandler,that would be advice!!
charlie,ross just read me his speech. its fantastic!,chandler,"oh, is it on the computer, cuz id love to give it a read...?"
ross,"if you want to check your email, just ask!",chandler,what?  may i?
rachel,its not the time charlie.,chandler,"oh, no, no, no dear god, no!"
joey,"oh what, did someone outbid you for the teapot?  oh! secret teapot?",chandler,"your computer, i dont know wha... everythings gone!"
ross,wha... what do you mean?,chandler,it must be a virus. i think it erased your hard drive.
ross,"what, oh my god. what did you do?",chandler,someone i dont know sent me an e-mail and i opened it.
ross,"why, why would you open it?",chandler,"well, it didnt say this is a virus!!"
ross,what did it say?,chandler,nude... ... pictures of anna kournikova. im so sorry.
ross,"what... what am i gonna do? my speech is gone, chandler!",chandler,"its not gone! i mean, im sure you printed out a copy. you have a hard copy, right?"
ross,no! i dont!!,chandler,"well, you must be pretty mad at yourself right now...!"
ross,yep! id like to thank you guys for coming down here to complain about the rain and ruin my career!,chandler,i just feel awful.
ross,"yeah, well you should! i mean, nude pictures of anna kournikova? i mean, shes never even won a major tournament!",chandler,"well, i tried billy jean king, but...  you know, you and monica have the same im gonna kill you look...? i can usually make it go away by kissing her..."
monica,"well, i hope youre happy!",chandler,"oooh! i hope youre happy too, honey!"
monica,"phoebe is going to say yes to david. see, thats what happens when you meddle in peoples lives!",chandler,"phoebe is going to say yes? thats, thats great!"
monica,"no its not, bcause shes still in love with mike!",chandler,and theres not chance that will work?
monica,"no, i called him. its not gonna happen.",chandler,oooooooh! meddler! meddler!
monica,"well, if you hadnt meddled to start with, i wouldnt have had to go in there and meddle myself. now, no matter how much we meddle, we will never be able to un-meddle the thing that you meddled up - in the first place!",chandler,this vacation sucks!!
monica,i cant believe shes gonna say yes to david. shes clearly in love with mike.,chandler,"you know, its very hard to take you seriously when you look like that."
monica,"oh my god, hes gonna do it now. please, i cannot watch this, lets go.",chandler,"i think we have some time. have you ever heard him talk?  uh, phoebe, uh, i would be honoured, uh... spit it out, david!"
david,i have a ring.,chandler,"i wouldnt brag too much about that thing, big guy."
monica,because of our meddling! alright?,chandler,"oh, aint this nice? its so quiet, i could just lie here all day."
rachel,open your drapes! open your drapes!,chandler,im so glad weve got adjoining rooms!
monica,the sun is out!,chandler,hey! remember when i had corneas?
monica,"ok listen, you go down to the pool and reserve the chairs, and ill get the magazines and the lotion.",chandler,ladies? rosss speech is in 45 minutes.
ross,"finally, factoring the profusion of new species recently discovered: gigantosaurus, argentinasaurus...",chandler,not to mention the cold sores.
ross,"and thats just the herbivores. im not even gonna discuss the carnivores, their heads are already too big. which is ironic considering their stunted cerebral development.",chandler,really?
monica,"ping pong?  honey, they have ping pong! lets play!",chandler,i dont think so!
monica,why not?,chandler,"because you know how competitive you get and well, i say its cute, others disagree, and im lying!"
monica,im not always that bad!,chandler,"oh, yeah? what happened when we played last time?"
monica,i punched you...?,chandler,and...?
monica,"so, were just four losers... super!",chandler,im not playing with you.
phoebe,"mike, you dont know, you dont know what youre doing!",chandler,she gets crazy! this scar  is from pictionary!
mike,"oh, by the way... im awesome!!",chandler,"oh dear god, theres two of them!"
monica,"hell, yeah!",chandler,did you know this about him?
monica,one thousand...,chandler,ok!
monica,no...  either of you girls got a quarter?,chandler,"honey, try to focus the trash talk on him!"
monica,ah yeaaaah!,chandler,do you really find this attractive on him?
phoebe,"oh, yeah!  are you telling me you... youre not even... a little turned on by monica, right now?",chandler,i think this is the first time in our marriage that ive felt like the more attractive one.
mike,and thats how its done!,chandler,"okay-dokay, youve each won a game and ive lost whats felt like a year of my life. so everybody goes home a winner."
mike,thats what im thinking.,chandler,should i use my invisibility to fight crime or for evil?
mike,"ok, so its a tie again, 41 to 41.",chandler,"ok, look! enough is enough!"
monica,"no, i have just to have two more points to beat him!",chandler,"monica, that was also true an hour ago! i mean, please, look at you! your hand is blistered, you can barely stand, your hair is inexplicable! ok, youve already proven you are just as good as he is, now weve missed our dinner reservations, so now lets just go upstairs, order room service, take a shower and shave your head!"
monica,i cant just walk away! ive put in four hours!,chandler,but...
monica,"look! you knew this about me when you married me! you agreed to take me in sickness and in health. well, this is my sickness!",chandler,what about the obsessive cleaning?
monica,aww!,chandler,you ok?
monica,i cant believe it!  i lost!,chandler,"no, you didnt."
monica,what?,chandler,because im gonna play for ya.
monica,"honey, you dont have to do this.",chandler,"yes, i do. now, i may not understand why you have to win so badly, but if its important to you then its important to me, because i love you."
monica,but... you suck!,chandler,"youre welcome, sweetheart."
phoebe,its like watching porn!,chandler,and thats... how... its done!
monica,oh my god. that was so amazing! when did you  hold on! i almost forgot  loser!  when did you stop sucking?,chandler,"i never sucked, i actually didnt want you to know how good i was!"
monica,why?,chandler,i dont know.
monica,this is so great! now we can enter into doubles tournaments!,chandler,thats why!
joey,hello.,chandler,"hey, it’s me. i know you can’t stand to be in the same room as me, so i just thought i’d try and apologize over the phone. all i…"
joey,hello.,chandler,"look i never should have kissed your girlfriend, but i’m…"
voice,"what is the name of your roommate who is very, very sorry and would do anything…",chandler,"aww, turkey! aww, giving thanks! aww!"
rachel,so are things with you and joey any better?,chandler,"they couldn’t be worse. i spent eight hours calling him last night, just trying to get him to talk to me."
rachel,"i know, but all that work you’re doing to get it ready, i just…",chandler,"hey, by any chance did either of pick uh rachel for your secret santa, ‘cause i wanna trade for her."
phoebe,i picked her! oh thank god you want her! ooh!,chandler,wow! why do you want to get rid of her so badly?
phoebe,"because she exchanges every gift she ever gets, it’s like impossible to get her something she likes. come on, let’s trade!",chandler,"oh that’s not true! that’s not true! i got her that backpack and she loved it! i remember how much she was crying the day when that big dog ran off with it…  oh, there was no big dog. all right this sucks! i already got her this briefcase, and i had r.g. put on it…  her initials…"
monica,"well, maybe you could give to somebody else. ooh, like ross geller.",chandler,"op, yknow what though, it’s kind’ve a girlie briefcase."
monica,who cares? he works in a museum!,chandler,"hey, what time is it? the big game is about to start!"
phoebe,"you don’t have to do that, ross and joey aren’t here, you can watch the parade if you want.",chandler,thanks.
rachel,people are trying to sleep in here!,chandler,"monica got ice in her eye, and it hurts."
monica,"oh, y’know what, i can’t, it really kills.",chandler,well maybe you should put some ice on it.
monica,"no, my eye doctor is richard! i can’t go to him when i don’t have a boyfriend!",chandler,he’s really picky about his patients.
phoebe,"okay, get out of my kitchen!",chandler,"all right! okay! i think i am making some progress with joey, when i went into the apartment he went straight into his bedroom but he only slammed the door once!  i mean yeah, he gave me the finger while doing it."
ross,"so listen ah, i picked monica for secret santa, but i’m already getting her something for chanukah, i was wondering if you wanna switch.",chandler,"oh y’know what, i was already trying to trade for ah, well, you."
ross,"really?! wow! that’s-that’s so nice, what are you gonna get me?",chandler,"i don’t know r.g., i was thinking something girlie for your office."
ross,"yeah, well maybe phoebe will switch with me.",chandler,"oh no-no-no, you don’t want to do that, then you’re gonna get stuck with rachel and she exchanges every gift she ever gets."
ross,"oh, that’s not true! i’ve got her lots of stuff she never took back.",chandler,like?
ross,"like uh, that gold necklace i got her last year.",chandler,when was the last time you saw her wear it?
ross,"well, she wore it all christmas day, and then uh…",chandler,big dog?
kathy,"oh my god, is it really that bad?",chandler,"i walk into a room and he won’t even talk to me, he just mumbles something in italian. and i know he only knows the bad words."
kathy,oh.,chandler,hey joe.
dr. timothy burke,ready?,chandler,hey! i’m sorry! that— where are you going?
joey,my folks.,chandler,"oh, uh, when-when are you coming back?"
joey,i don’t know. i might stay there for a few days while i look for an apartment.,chandler,what?!
joey,"yeah, y’know at first i thought we could talk about this y’know, work it out, but uh, seeing you two together i don’t think i…",chandler,"hey, look, what do you want me to say? do you want me to say that i’ll stop seeing her?"
joey,"look, it’s not about her. okay? but seeing you two together just reminds me of what you did. and i don’t want to live with some one who doesn’t know what it is to be a friend. so, i’ll see ya.",chandler,"hey, look, i know what it is to be a friend, i just-i just screwed up!"
joey,yeah! you did! and that’s why i’m leaving.,chandler,"all right look, if you’re not gonna stay for me, then at least stay for them! okay, they have had a very difficult year! what with the robbery and all!"
joey,"when that guy was robbing us, and i was locked in the entertainment unit for like six hours, you know what i was doing in there all that time? i was thinking about how i let you down!",chandler,what?
joey,"yeah! but if would’ve know what kind of friend you were gonna turn out to be, i wouldn’t have worried about it so much! see you around!",chandler,"all right, wait! come on! just wait one second! there has to be something that i can do! something! if we still had that entertainment unit i would get in it for six hours and think about how i let you down.  what?"
joey,ewwwww!! ew! ew! ew!,chandler,sounds like a really bad idea to me.
joey,chandler?,chandler,"the meaning of the box is three fold. one , it gives me the time to think about what i did. two , it proves how much i care about my friendship with joey. and three , it hurts!"
ross,"now, we’ll see.",chandler,air hole! air hole!!
monica,and rachel.  and that’s chandler.,chandler,how do ya do.
joey,he’s doin’ some thinkin’!,chandler,what happened? what happened?!
phoebe,"oh, i’ll get it.",chandler,gotcha!
joey,that doesn’t sound like thinking to me!,chandler,sorry!
joey,y’know i don’t think you should be talking at all in there! i think you’ve got to much thinking to do to be talking and making jokes!,chandler,"okay, okay, you got it!"
rachel,"okay, fine.",chandler,"you can’t tell, but i’m trying to break the tension by mooning you guys!"
joey,"all right, look! if this is just a big joke to you, then forget about it, all right?! this means something to me! and if it doesn’t mean anything to you, then you should get out of there, otherwise you’re just an idiot in a box!",chandler,"you’re right, and i’m sorry! this means a lot to me! i want you to be my friend again! i swear, i won’t say another word tonight."
joey,so are you gonna start taking this thing seriously?,chandler,absolutely!
joey,"he can still catch her! come on, get out of there!  get out of there!",chandler,so?
joey,"yeah, we’re gonna be fine! get out!",chandler,yeah?
joey,"yeah, you did some real good thinkin’ in there.",chandler,"man, this is…"
phoebe,hey!,chandler,"hey! wow, it is true what they say, pregnant bellies look like a drum."
phoebe,"ha-ha.  no, it’s just i’m so pregnant that i—my guitar doesn’t fit anymore. so i thought ‘til i’m not, i’m just gonna play all my songs on this drum. it sounds really cool!",chandler,all right.
alice,"no. no. no.  okay, now, see, i wanna name the girl baby leslie, and frank wants to name one of the boy babies frank jr. jr.",chandler,wouldn’t that be frank the iii?
joey,hey!,chandler,hey! do we have a baby name yet?
phoebe,"ugh! no! this is so hard! i went through this whole book  and found nothing! i want a name that’s really like, y’know strong and confident, y’know? like-like exxon.",chandler,"well, it certainly worked for that valdez kid."
joey,"oh, want a good name, go with joey. joey’s your pal. joey’s your buddy. where is everybody? well, they’re hanging out with joey.",chandler,"hey, y’know what, if you’re gonna do that, if you’re gonna name him joey, you should name him chandler.  oh, come on! chandler’s funny, sophisticated, and he’s very loveable, once you get to know him."
joey,"oh well, hey, joey’s loveable too! but the thing about joey is, if you need him, he’ll be there.",chandler,"well, chandler will be there for you too. i mean, well, he might be a little late, but-but, he’ll be there. and he’ll bring you some cold soda, if want you need him for is that you’re really hot."
joey,hey!,chandler,hey!
ross,"so uh, emily called last night…",chandler,and now you’re giving me the message!
"months before carol and i spilt up, all i heard was",my friend susan is so smart. my friend susan is so funny. my friend susan is so great.,chandler,you actually think that something can happen between emily and susan?
joey,"no, but i’m gonna!",chandler,hi! hi! you’re crazy! okay? this is emily. emily is straight.
joey,"oh! oh-oh, you gotta pick joey! i mean, name one famous person named chandler.",chandler,raymond chandler.
joey,someone you didn’t make up!,chandler,"okay, there are no famous joey’s. except for, huh, joey buttafucco."
phoebe,"well, how about a compromise then, okay? what if it’s like y’know, chanoey?",chandler,"okay, look, joey! come on, think about it, first of all, he’ll never be president. there’s never gonna be a president joey."
joey,"all right look man, i didn’t want to bring this up, but chandler, is the stupidest name i ever heard in my life! it’s not even a name; it’s barely even a word. okay? it’s kinda like chandelier, but it’s not! all right? it’s a stupid, stupid non-name!",chandler,"wow, you’re, you’re right. i have a horrible, horrible name."
joey,"i’m sorry man, i didn’t—i’m-i’m sorry. i’m sorry.",chandler,okay.
joey,"dude, i am sorry about what i said!",chandler,"no, no, you’re right, it is a ridiculous name!"
joey,it’s not that bad.,chandler,"yes it is! from now on, i have no first name."
joey,"so, you’re just bing?",chandler,i have no name.
phoebe,"all right, so, what are we supposed to call you?",chandler,"okay uh, for now, temporarily, you can call me, clint."
joey,no way are you cool enough to pull of clint.,chandler,"okay, so what name am i cool enough to pull off?"
phoebe,"umm, gene.",chandler,it’s clint. it’s clint!
phoebe,"bye, gene.",chandler,it’s clint! clint!
phoebe,drum roll.,chandler,"okay. okay. all right. help! am i a mark, or a john?"
joey,"nah, you’re not tall enough to be a mark, but you might make a good barney.",chandler,"all right look, am i serious, okay? tomorrow at 3:30 i am going down to the courthouse."
phoebe,you’re actually going through with this?,chandler,"hey, look, this name has been holding me back my entire life. okay, it’s probably why kids picked on me in school, and why i never do well with women… so, as of 4 o’clock tomorrow, i’m either gonna be mark johnson or john markson."
phoebe,"you got problems because of you! not your name! all right, this has got to stop! chandler is a great name! in fact—yes,  i’m, i’m sorry. i know you really wanted me to name the baby joey, but eh, so, i’m-i’m, i’m gonna, i’m gonna name the baby chandler.",chandler,really?!
phoebe,"yeah, but you have to keep the name too!",chandler,okay. thanks.
phoebe,okay!,chandler,you wanna hug it out?
phoebe,yay!,chandler,yay!
phoebe,"yay—oh—yay! okay, i gotta go tell frank and alice! right now!",chandler,okay!
phoebe,"ooh, uh…",chandler,"bye, pheebs!"
phoebe,"okay, bye!",chandler,ha! ha! ha!
phoebe,"aww, and good luck to you too!  what a nice lady!",chandler,die hard still great!
joey,"yep. hey, what do you say we make it a double feature?",chandler,what’d you rent?
joey,die hard 2.,chandler,"joey, this is die hard 1 again."
ross,"dude, you didn’t say die hard. is everything okay?",chandler,"yeah, i just got uh, got plans."
ross,"well, john mclane had plans!",chandler,"no, see the thing is i want to get out of here before joey gets all worked up and starts calling everybody bitch."
monica,"yeah hey, a weird thing happened today whey i was at brunch. this woman overheard that i was marrying you and-and then she…she wished me good luck.",chandler,that’s sweet.
monica,"no, it’s more like a  good luck.",chandler,"so uh, what did this woman look like?"
monica,"she was like 30, dark hair, attractive.",chandler,"well, is there any chance you were looking into a bright, shiny thing called a mirror?"
monica,"come on, was it somebody maybe you dated in college?",chandler,"no, no i only dated two girls in college, both blonde, both not attractive…  hold on one second; let me check this out. (he gets up and grabs a photo album."
monica,what are you doing?,chandler,"well, let’s see…  okay uh, is that her?"
monica,oh my god yes! who is she?,chandler,"julie grath, my camp girlfriend."
monica,did you break up with her?,chandler,"no, we’re still together. yeah we went out for two summers, and then i broke up with her."
monica,why?,chandler,"well, ‘cause she came back the third summer and she’d gotten really fa-aa-aw-ow…"
monica,fat?!,chandler,"i did not say fat! i said, fa-aa-aw-ow…"
monica,you broke up with a girl because she was fat?!,chandler,"yeah. yeah, but it was a really, really long time ago! does she still feel bad?"
monica,"well, apparently she does.",chandler,"well, you know what they say, elephants never forget.  seriously, good luck marrying me."
monica,chandler!  chandler! i just figured out who you are!,chandler,can you figure out what i’m doing?
monica,you’re lewis posin.,chandler,who?
monica,"lewis posin! he was my best friend in fifth grade, and-and then one day i asked him to be my boyfriend and he said no. do you know why?",chandler,because you kept talking to him while he was trying to go to the bathroom?!
monica,"no! but because he thought i was to faaaaa….  and every time i think about it, it makes me feel as bad as i did in fifth grade! y’know, i-i really think that you should apologize to julie.",chandler,what? are you kidding? that was like 16 years ago.
monica,"no, i know. but y’know what? it would make me feel better if lewis apologized to me.",chandler,"okay, i will do it. but i have to warn you; this may make me a better person and that is not the man you feel in love with!"
joey,and she’s back in the game.,chandler,"julie hi! chandler bing, i, i guess you remember me."
julie,hello skidmark.,chandler,"it’s a nickname, i’ll explain later."
monica,it’s pretty clear.,chandler,"ah, uh, i owe you a long overdue apology. i never should have broken up with you because you were overweight."
julie,that’s why you broke up with me?,chandler,"you-you-you didn’t know that.  well, i guess my work here is done!"
joey,"no reason, i’m just saying that uh… that’s where i’ll be.",chandler,as bad as that went i actually enjoyed myself. i think that i’m going to apologize for all of the stupid things i do.
monica,why don’t you just stop doing stupid things? then you wouldn’t have to apologize.,chandler,i would really love it if could do both.
monica,"all right, i…i have to ask.",chandler,what?
monica,are you gonna break up with me if i get fat again?,chandler,what?!
monica,"well, you broke up with julie grath! how much weight could she have gained?",chandler,a hundred and forty-five pounds.
monica,in one year?! my god what did she eat? her-her family! that’s not the point.,chandler,"look i know it was a stupid reason to break up with somebody, but i was 15!"
monica,"well… that’s not the only time this was an issue. you remember when umm, you spent thanksgiving with us? you called me fat.",chandler,"okay. okay, now wait a minute that was totally different."
monica,how?,chandler,you were not supposed to hear that! i said that behind you back!
monica,"what if i have babies, okay? i mean i’m gonna look different. i’m okay with that, but i’m not sure that you are!",chandler,"look you have to realize i don’t think of you as a thin, beautiful woman.  see this is one of things that i can apologize for later! look, what i mean is you’re monica! okay? and i am in love with monica."
monica,keep going.,chandler,so you can balloon up or you can shrink down and i will still love you.
monica,even if i shrink down to two inches tall?,chandler,i’d carry you around in my pocket.
monica,i love you.,chandler,skidmark’s still got a way with the ladies.
gunther,"yeah, whatever.",chandler,"ohh, shes pretty. pretty ahh, pretty girl, the pretty--shes pretty."
monica,"just go up to her and ask her out.  oh, whats the worst thing that could happen?",chandler,i could die.
rachel,"ross, you guys went out once. you took your kids to chucky cheese, and you didnt even kiss her.",chandler,i tell people secrets. it makes them like me.
phoebe,oh.,chandler,hey!
phoebe,"but im unemployed, my music is all i really have now. well music, and making my own shoes.  pretty, huh?",chandler,"all right, im gonna do it! im gonna get shot down. any advice?"
monica,"just be yourself. but, not too much.",chandler,wish me luck.
ross,good luck!,chandler,"wish it!  hi. hi, i-i was just sitting over there, and uhh, chandler. my name is chandler. did i say that?"
kathy,"no, you didnt. hi, im kathy.",chandler,"uh kathy, with k or a c?"
kathy,with a k.,chandler,oh-oh-hey!
kathy,wow! you are really good at this.,chandler,"hey, come on, give me a break, im out on a limb here."
joey,hey!,chandler,"hey! hey, hey-hey, hey."
joey,"hey, i see you guys already met, huh?",chandler,"yes-yes, i was just trying to figure out a way to uh, demonstrate how i could get my exceptionally large feet into my even bigger mouth."
phoebe,"before i start, i just wanna say that umm, i have a cold, so if i sneeze in the middle of song, its not on purpose. oh, except the last verse of pepper people.  smelly cat, smelly cat. what are they feeding you?  this chick sounds good.  smelly cat, smelly-- hey gunther, be a good little boy and bring me a whiskey.",chandler,hi!
kathy,hi.,chandler,"jeez, at 2:30 in the morning, i didnt expect to have to fight over the remote."
kathy,"im sorry, its just this ernie cofax thing on in a few minutes i wanted to watch.",chandler,oh my god! thats why i got up too!
kathy,"youre kidding! oh, i love him.",chandler,"hey, listen, im sorry about this afternoon, yknow, if i wouldve known you guys were... i never wouldve..."
kathy,oh please!,chandler,"so ah, joey tells me you two met in acting class."
kathy,"yeah, they teamed us up as partners. joey picked three scenes for us to do; all of them had us making out.",chandler,"thats a good thing actually, because ah, he used to have me rehearse with him."
kathy,oh-oh-oh-oh!,chandler,is it on?
kathy,"no, but this wonder broom is amazing!",chandler,hey!
kathy,oh my god!,chandler,oh! its on! its on!
kathy,what about the duck?,chandler,well the duck can swim.
monica,"yknow what, i like kathy.",chandler,"oh yeah, me too, shes so cool and pretty."
rachel,"yeah, shes...",chandler,"shes smart and funny, yknow? we were up all last night talking, she said the funniest thing about--what?"
rachel,you love her.,chandler,"no, i dont."
ross,"come on, pheebs lay off him.",chandler,"thank you, ross."
ross,"yeah, hes a little sensitive right now, `cause hes so in love.",chandler,all right.
all,ohh!,chandler,all right.
ross,who wants to make some long distance calls?,chandler,kathy! kathy! hi!! kathy! kathy!  kathy!  fetch! fetch it!  kathy! kathy! kathy!  kathy!  kathy.
kathy,"hey, chandler! what are you doing here?",chandler,"oh, i just wanted to say, hey!"
kathy,hey!,chandler,okay.
monica,"phoebe, youll catch pneumonia.",chandler,okay. you were right. im in love with joeys girlfriend.
phoebe,"well, how-how-how is that possible? you barely know her!",chandler,"i dont know. i cant--i just, i cant get her out of my head. yknow? i mean, im a very bad person. im a very, very bad person. im a horrible person.  no youre not chandler! we still love you chandler!"
kathy,we were just talking about you.,chandler,really?!
joey,"yeah-yeah, i told her about the time you got drunk and fell asleep with your head in the toilet.",chandler,right in there!
joey,hey!,chandler,hey!
joey,"hey guys.  listen uh, you wanna get some dinner with me and kathy tonight?",chandler,"ohh, umm, yknow what, i already ate."
joey,its 4:30.,chandler,"yknow i had a big meal on monday, yknow. so thats just gonna get me straight through the week."
joey,"okay, i see whats going on here.",chandler,you-you do?
joey,yeah! you dont like kathy.,chandler,you got me.
joey,"yeah, youve been avoiding her ever since we started going out. look, i made an effort to like janice, now i think its your turn to make an effort to like kathy by going out to dinner with us. right?",chandler,yeah. right.
joey,"good, and hey! my treat.  but thats only because youre not eating anything, right?",chandler,okay.
kathy,so? huh? what do you think?,chandler,"ohh, shes-shes not really my type."
kathy,not your type?! shes gorgeous!,chandler,yknow what i think it is? its the fishnet stockings. yknow? whenever i see a girl in fishnet stockings it reminds me of my father in fishnet stockings.
kathy,"okay. understanding a little more why youre single. ohh! yknow, i have a friend you would like, shes really pretty. and then we could double date!",chandler,"uhh, no-no thanks."
kathy,"okay, ive got some ugly friends, and theyre all available too.",chandler,"listen, i-im gonna grab a beer."
joey,ill be right back.  what was that?,chandler,what?
joey,kathy was being really nice and you just walked away. i thought we had a deal.,chandler,"hey, look, what do you want from me?"
joey,"i want you to like her! but if thats too damned difficult for you, then the least you can do is pretend.",chandler,i am pretending.
joey,"well then, do it better!",chandler,"okay, what do you saw i go over there and say how much i like her?  no-no itll be good, i can tell her much ive been thinking about her. that i havent stopped thinking about her since the moment i met her. that im so fantastically, over-the-top, wanna-slit-my-own-throat in love with her, that for every minute of every hour of every day i cant believe my own damn bad luck that you met her first!!"
joey,"hey!  now, were not actually gonna be sleeping in her, but do you mind?",chandler,can i sleep on your couch?
joey,oh my.,chandler,hey.
joey,hey. yknow with that goatee you kinda look like satan.,chandler,"oh, so that’s why the priest threw holy water on me.  okay, listen, you have to cheer up! okay? you should come out with ross and me, i mean anything is better than sitting around here crying all day about kate."
ross,hey!,chandler,hey.
ross,i’m gonna be on tv!!,chandler,no way!
ross,yeah! they’re putting together this panel to talk about these fossils they just found in peru and the discovery channel’s gonna film it!,chandler,oh my god! who’s gonna watch that?!
ross,thanks. you ready to go?,chandler,yeah.
joey,saw a girl with that vest.,chandler,thanks.
ross,"okay, good bye!",chandler,"so um, after you put the suggestion in the box, how long did it take for the roller skating thing to happen."
phoebe,"umm, oh, about three months.",chandler,"okay, so i guess that’s about ah, two weeks before the topless thing kicks in."
joey,hey!!,chandler,hey!
joey,i got you something! open it! open it!,chandler,okay.  it’s a chicken.
phoebe,"whoa-whoa-whoa, you guys, do you know anything about chicks?",chandler,fowl? no. women? nooo.
joey,"oh, well no problem there.",chandler,easy lenny.
phoebe,"no i’m serious. i mean i’m intuitive, but my memory sucks.",chandler,"okay, but this is the last time.  with a chick-chick here, and a chick-chick there. here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a chick-chick--chickeeeen."
joey,hey.,chandler,hey.
joey,how’s she doing?,chandler,she?
joey,"well yeah, don’t-don’t you think it’s a she?",chandler,"i don’t know.  i can’t tell, what ever it was went back in too quickly."
joey,"well, anyway, i got to go change, i’m ah, meeting some of the cast for drinks.",chandler,excuse me?
joey,what?,chandler,i stayed home from work today while you were at rehearsal so somebody could be here with our chick!
joey,hey! who was up from 2 o’clock this morning until 5 o’clock this morning trying to get her back to sleep?,chandler,you don’t think i get up when you get up?
joey,"ohhh, here it comes.",chandler,"yes, here it comes! i’m stuck here all day, and then you come in and spend two seconds with us and then expect to go off gallivanting with your friends? well i don’t think so mister!"
joey,hey!! i need to relax! okay? i was working all day!,chandler,and you don’t think taking care of our chick is work?
joey,"that’s not what i said. okay, i just meant...",chandler,"i know what you meant!!  you notice that ever since we got this chick, we’ve been fighting a lot more than we used too?"
joey,"i don’t know, maybe we weren’t ready to have a chick.",chandler,i’ll take her back tomorrow.
ross,hey!,chandler,hey!
ross,sure. i’ll help you.,chandler,"oh, good! good! do you guys know how to get a chick out of a vcr?!"
phoebe,"oh, just go. you’re never gonna get it!",chandler,"i know. see, yes. that’s yasmine bleeth, she’s a completely different kind of chick. i love you both. but in very different ways."
joey,hey!,chandler,hey!
joey,ohhh.  ahh! what are you doing?! i thought you were gonna take her back to the store today.,chandler,"i did! but the store wouldn’t take her back! so then i took her to the shelter, and you know what i found out?"
joey,"okay, good, good, good, ‘cause, good, ‘cause i was kinda having second thoughts too.",chandler,okay. and it’s not just chicks yknow? it’s all kinds of other animals!
joey,"that’s horrible! well, you did the right thing man.",chandler,"thanks, i’m glad you see it that way."
rachel,okay.,chandler,"okay! now you stay out here, and you think about what you did!!"
ross,that’s a duck.,chandler,"that’s a bad duck!!!  how’d the thing go tonight, ross?"
ross,"nothing, ah there was this thing at the museum. come on.  easy.",chandler,"okay, now when you come back i hope you remember that, that chick is not a toy!"
rachel,see ya.,chandler,what did you do?
joey,what ‘cha doing?,chandler,having a swim.
joey,what about the chick?,chandler,chicks don’t swim.
joey,are you sure?,chandler,i don’t know. should we try it?
joey,sure.,chandler,"see, i told you they don’t swim."
joey,wait. give him a minute.,chandler,"noo!  oh, it’s okay, it’s okay, baby, baby, baby."
joey,man this is weird. you ever realize captain crunchs eyebrows are actually on his hat?,chandler,"thats whats weird? joey, the mans been captain of a cereal for the last 40 years."
joey,"im sorry. im 28 years old, ive never lived alone, and im finally at a place where ive got enough money that i dont need a roommate anymore.",chandler,"woah, woah, woah. i dont need a roommate either, ok? i can afford to live here by myself. ya know, i may have to bring in somebody once a week to lick the silverware."
joey,"well, it was a fight. . . based on serious stuff, remember. about how i never lived alone or anything. i just think it would be good for me, ya know, help me to grow or. . . whatever.",chandler,"hey, no, ive never been lower or wetter. ill be fine. ill just turn your, uh, bedroom into a game room or somethin, you know, put the foosball table in there."
rachel,"you guys arent doing anything tonight, are you?",chandler,"see, now, why would you assume that? just because were married? i will have you know that we are very hip, happening people. now, if youll excuse me, i have to get back to reading the obituaries."
monica,oh my god.,chandler,wow.
rachel,"what, slept together a year and a half ago? yeah, im all set.",chandler,"well, i think its great that youre going on a date, you know? i mean, it sounds healthy. i mean, you have needs. embrace your womanhood!"
phoebe,"no, i think we killed it.",chandler,"emma? emma? look at me! well, i think ill go downstairs for a while."
monica,"okay, just so you know, im gonna be ovulating from tomorrow until the sixth, so dont touch yourself in the next 48 hours.",chandler,i dont do that.
monica,yeah.,chandler,today is the sixth.
monica,"no, its not.",chandler,"yes, its also 2003."
monica,oh my god. todays the sixth?! i may be done ovulating! i may have also served some very questionable meat at the restaurant.,chandler,its okay. go take the test and see if were okay.
monica,okay.,chandler,tough crib.
monica,"hey, where are all my ovulation-sticks? theres only one here.",chandler,i might have checked to see if i was ovulating a couple times.
monica,chandler!,chandler,i am not working. theres not much to do around here!
monica,were okay. im still ovulating.,chandler,"oh, good, because as of four oclock this afternoon, i am not."
monica,"so, lets do this.",chandler,i - i dont think i can.
monica,"come on. i know youre not eighteen anymore, but give it a minute.",chandler,because of emma.
monica,"oh my god, emma. oh, sweetie, i forgot you were here. oh, youre right, we cant do this. we cant leave her alone.",chandler,sorry.
monica,"unless... maybe we do it here. i mean, how much can she even be aware of at this age?",chandler,"well, shes aware when we leave the room. she may notice if we start... canoodling in it."
monica,canoodling?,chandler,"well, i cant say hump or screw in front of the b-a-b-y."
monica,"i dont know. i mean, i guess having sex in front of a baby isnt so...",chandler,horrifying? scarring? something people go to jail for?
monica,i guess youre right.,chandler,"you guess im right? when we stayed at that bed and breakfast, you wouldnt have sex with me because you thought a deer was staring through the window."
monica,what are you doing?,chandler,emma was doing it!
monica,shes asleep.,chandler,"ooh, shes asleep, that means we can..."
monica,"well, that was weird. you were loud, and i was fast.",chandler,i think we may have really done it this time.
monica,"oh, i wish i didnt have to wait to take a pregnancy test.",chandler,you may wanna get some more of those too.
monica,"oh my god, wheres emma? wheres emma?",chandler,"dont ask me, i was in there canoodling you!"
monica,"okay, okay, im sure that rachel came home early and picked up emma. you go look across the hall, and ill call her cell.",chandler,okay.
joey,dont you lie to me! i could tell by chandlers hair. you are so lazy. cant you get on top for once?,chandler,"all right, all right, we were. we were trying to make a baby. monicas ovulating."
joey,hey! it is unacceptable that you two would have sex with emma in the next room. im gonna have to tell rachel about this.,chandler,"no, no, no."
joey,unless you name your firstborn child joey.,chandler,what? why?
joey,"hey, i may never have kids, and somebodys gotta carry on my family name.",chandler,your family name is tribbiani.
monica,"guys, hurry up! the flight leaves in four hours! it could take time to get a taxi! there could be traffic! the plane could leave early! when we get to london, there could be a line at customs! come on!!",chandler,six-hour trip to london. that’s a lot of monica.
joey,"it’s all london, baby! here we go.",chandler,you got your passport?
joey,ohh!!,chandler,there it is.
monica,"yeah, okay, give that a try!",chandler,all right! let’s do it!
joey,london baby!,chandler,"okay, ‘cause that’s not gonna get annoying."
joey,london baby!!,chandler,"hey, y’know what? i was wrong."
phoebe,"oh, hey, chandler i wanna hug you too!",chandler,hey!
phoebe,"oh, and great! you might as well bring me my book, it’s on the counter in your apartment.",chandler,oh.
ross,fine. you’ll-you’ll watch it on video when we get back.,chandler,here you go phoebe! here you go phobo! phewbedo! phaybobo.
joey,come on! do something!,chandler,"i am, i’m ignoring you."
joey,"okay, here!  i wanna be the on camera guy. all right, first stop, westminster abbey.",chandler,"oh, what the hell is that?"
joey,"it’s london, baby! all right, the hotel’s here.  wait. no, we wanna go… no. i know.  i’m gonna have to go into the map.",chandler,"okay, if you see a little version of me in there? kill it!"
joey,i got it!  here we go.,chandler,"okay. listen-listen, we’re not gonna have to walk this way the entire time are we?"
joey,"all right! westminster abbey! hands down, best abbey i’ve ever seen. hey!  okay. what do you think of the abbey, chandler?",chandler,"i think it’s great. it’s great. y’know, they’re thinking of changing the name of this place."
joey,really? to what?,chandler,to put the camera away!!!
joey,check this out? huh?  yeah. that’s the stuff. what do you think?,chandler,"well, i don’t have to buy that, i’m with stupid t-shirt anymore."
joey,"well, i like it. here you go.",chandler,"all right, look, you’re not really gonna buy that are you? don’t you think you’ve embarrassed me enough for one day?"
joey,"oh, i embarrass you?",chandler,how can i answer that when i’m pretending i don’t know you?
the vendor,he’s just jealous. you’ll fit right in; all londoners wear them!,chandler,oh really? then how come no one here is wearing them?
the vendor,they’re all tourists.,chandler,"all right, look, if you insist on wearing that, in public, y’know, you’re gonna spend the rest of the afternoon all by yourself."
joey,thanks.,chandler,"okay, wait. all right, that’s it, okay, i’m out of here. i am not going to be embarrassed anymore!"
joey,hey.,chandler,hey.
joey,oh.  sorry!,chandler,"no-no-no, y’know what? i really shouldn’t have said that you were embarrassing me, i mean that really wasn’t cool. and if it makes you feel any better, i’ve had a really lousy day."
joey,me too.,chandler,yeah?
fergie,hi chandler!,chandler,that’s… that’s was…
fergie,"joey says you don’t really like his hat, but i think it’s kinda dashing.",chandler,how did you? how? how?
monica,umm…,chandler,i’m gonna go to the bathroom.
ross,come on.,chandler,that was pretty intense huh?
joey,"yeah.  hey, i hope ross didn’t think that we just went in there because we were uncomfortable being out here!",chandler,i hope he did!
joey,"that’s not food...no, i don’t, no... everythings different here...i want to go home. i...i miss my family. i miss the coffee house. i can’t even remember what phoebe looks like.",chandler,"joey, it’s been three days, okay.. your just a little homesick, okay. would you just try to relax. just, just try to enjoy yourself."
phoebe,wait!! where are you going?! what are you doing?! no!! wait!!  god!! why am i always pregnant when she does that?!,chandler,"i’d like to toast, ross and emily. of course, my big toast will be tomorrow at the wedding, so this is kind of my little toast or melba toast, if you will.  okay. i known ross for a long time. in fact, i knew him when he was going out with his first girlfriend.  and i thought things were going to work out for him..until the day he over inflated her.  ohh, dear god.."
mrs. waltham,"no, i’m bored with you now. i’m going to cut you off.",chandler,"and i’m sure we’re all very excited that ross and emily are getting married at montgomery hall. i mean to think, my friend getting married in monty hall.  ohh, come on!! monty hall!! lets make a deal!! come on, you people!! all right, forget it!! congratulations, ross and emily."
mr. geller,"all-right fine, but i just want to say, i’m not paying for your wine cellar. you thieving, would be speaking german if it weren’t for us, cheap little man.",chandler,"the guy was hammered, okay? there’s no way, you look like ross’s mother."
monica,do you think he knew i was here?,chandler,i don’t want to look.
joey,look we’ve got to find her. phoebe just called!! rachel’s coming to tell ross she loves him!!,chandler,no!! okay!! what’s with the third degree?! why don’t you just shine a light in my eyes?!
monica,"yeah with chandler not getting paid, we could really use 300 million dollars.",chandler,"yeah, because if i was at my old job wed say 300 million? no thank you!"
ross,"uh...sure i do, and i also wanna be king of my own country and find out what happened to amelia earhart.",chandler,still on amelia earhart?
ross,no! do you know what your odds are of winning the lottery? i...i mean you have a better chance of being struck by lightning 42 times.,chandler,yes but theres six of us so wed only have to get struck by lightning 7 times.
ross,"seriously you guys, i cant believe youre going to spend 250 dollars on the lottery, i mean thats such a bunch of boohaki.",chandler,ill ask. boohaki?
rachel,well when i talk to her i almost feel like she understands what im saying.,chandler,kinda like joey.
monica,god! look at all these tickets! its so exciting! you know i havent won anything since the sixth grade.,chandler,pie eating contest?
monica,oh! you assume because i was heavy thats the only way i could win something?,chandler,"no, i saw a picture of you covered in blueberries."
ross,"yeah, uh... and then i figured after you win, we could all go out to the balcony and see a night rainbow with gremlins dancing on top of it!",chandler,"dont touch the phone! ill get it, ill get it, ill get it!!"
ross,think he washed his hands?,chandler,"hello? hey charlie, what do you know?"
joey,look whos coming around!,chandler,damnit. alright call me when you know more.
joey,did you get it?,chandler,one of the slots got filled.
joey,by you!?,chandler,sense the tone! no that kid nate got it.
monica,oh! i hate that guy! i mean come on kid! pull up your pants!,chandler,yeah i know.
rachel,"well, theres two spots left right?",chandler,"yeah...i mean i want this so much! i mean, i wanna get one, i want my friend charlie to get one...except i dont care about charlie."
ross,"ok, ive heard myself on tape and i sound nothing like that.",chandler,i can see the headline now: lottery winners friend filled with regret eats own arm.
ross,why would i eat my own arm?,chandler,"well you wouldnt, but we own the paper, we can print whatever we want."
phoebe,get a room!,chandler,"ok, so now that youre in, what are you gonna do if we win?"
ross,"i dont know, probably just invest it.",chandler,ooh! calm down ...
rachel,you would do that? i never get picked!,chandler,"you know, im not sure a sports team is the way to go."
joey,youre not gonna let me buy the knicks?? i cant believe youre taking this away from me!,chandler,"youre right, it has been you dream for over 15 seconds."
ross,"uh, how long until they announce the numbers, mommy?",chandler,ill take this one too  uh ... mommy?
ross,well that depends ... have you been a baaad gi ..  no i cant.,chandler,"hello? hello? oh, hey charlie. did anybody else hear? ... what? susan got it?? how? oh man, i would have slept with him!! .. alright, bye."
joey,"dude, im sorry. but hey, theres one spot left, right?",chandler,"well no, charlies gonna get that."
monica,"hey, dont say that! you got just as good a chance as anybody else of getting that job!",chandler,hes the bosss son.
monica,yeah.,chandler,what about the ones you have on the nightstand?
monica,there are no tickets on the nightstand!,chandler,"yes there are, i just saw them a few minutes ago."
monica,"un, no you didnt! you must be mistaken!",chandler,"honey, there are like 20 tickets on the nightstand!"
rachel,"chandler, would you just tell her what she did was wrong?",chandler,"shes right, you shouldnt have bought tickets just for us ..."
monica,ahhh!,chandler,"let me finish ...  however, it doesnt look like im gonna get this job so i cant afford to have principles, so screw you, the tickets are ours!!"
joey,"hey, if anybody gets extra tickets, it should be me! this all thing was my idea!",chandler,"oh, yeah! thanks for inventing the lottery!"
phoebe,dont come any closer!,chandler,"can i come a little bit closer, valuable things are getting squished..."
phoebe,"as a matter of fact she said thats how i am going to die.  so, excuse me for being a little skittish.",chandler,"hey, theres two messages. these could be from work!"
monica,"oh, play them!",chandler,"ok, here we go!"
second message,"hey chandler, its charlie",chandler,this is..shhh!
rachel,"oh, it is so unfair. its like that time they promoted sandra over me at work.",chandler,"oh, is she related to ralph lauren?"
monica,"honey, youve been really strong about this, i know how badly you wanted that job.",chandler,"yeah, you know, i really thought i deserved it.  but... lets go win the lottery... i mean, we still have 130 chances to win, right?"
tv,"here we are, the official powerball numbers! we have 53",chandler,i got that!
joey,damnit! anybody got anything?,chandler,no.
monica,hello? hold on. its your boss.,chandler,"ah, the im sorry i rejected you phone call. im not used to getting it from guys.  hey, steve."
steve,"chandler, hi! im sure youve heard we filled the three positions. we just felt that with your maturity and experience, you wouldnt be happy being someones assistant.",chandler,"oh no no no no, id love to be somebodys assistant! answering phones, getting coffee, i live for that stuff! and im not too mature... farts, boobies, butt cracks!"
steve,"chandler, you were the strongest person in the program. were offering you the position of junior copywriter.",chandler,"me, that guy who just said butt cracks?"
steve,"yes, thats right. were excited about the level of sophistication youll be bringing to the job.",chandler,"ok well, thanks, you wont regret it. ill see you tomorrow ."
monica,"oh sweetie, im so proud of you!",chandler,does that mean i get the good loving tonight?
joey,"hey, that is so great about the job.",chandler,"thanks, man."
joey,and i like to think i had a little something to do with it.,chandler,really? what?
joey,"well, before, with the wishbone... i didnt wish we would win the lottery, i wished youd get the job.",chandler,"oh yeah?  listen, dont tell monica, shell rip your heart right out."
phoebe,"i know that, but look, weve got the powerball number, weve won 3 dollars!",chandler,"wow, youd think we should get that over 20 years or go for the big payout."
monica,you know what? you can have mine.,chandler,me too.
phoebe,what am i sitting on?,chandler,top of the world? dock of the bay?  im out.
ross,"well, theyre not mine!",chandler,"well, theyre joeys! they gotta be joeys!"
joey,"yeah, theyre mine.",chandler,see? theyre joeys! j-j-j-j-j-joeys!
rachel,"well, get em out of here! whats wrong with you?",chandler,yeah!
joey,"yeah, it was! all right, listen, i cant…",chandler,all this lying has been hard on us too.
joey,"oh-oh, yeah-yeah, i bet all the sex makes it easier!",chandler,"well, yeah actually."
monica,"well try to be more careful okay? its just that, we dont want everyone to know because this is going really well, and maybe the reason its going really well is because its a secret.",chandler,"i know it sounds really weird, but were just so bad at relationships."
monica,we are! help us!,chandler,help!
monica,"hey, phoebe!",chandler,"hi, pheebs!"
phoebe,"umm, wethering heights. im taking a literature class at the new school and i have to finish it for the first session tomorrow.",chandler,i didnt know you were taking a class. that is so cool.
ross,someone at work ate my sandwich!,chandler,"well, what did the police say?"
ross,my thanksgiving leftover sandwich. i cant believe someone ate it!,chandler,"ross, its just a sandwich!"
ross,"that-that would be incredible. thank you so much. i-i still cant believe someone ate it!! i mean, look, i left a note and everything.",chandler,"knock-knock. whos there? ross gellers lunch. ross gellers lunch, who? ross gellers lunch, please dont take me. okay?"
ross,"really?! so what would you say pheebs? stuff like uh, keep your mitts off my grub?",chandler,"say ross, when you picture phoebe living on the street, is she surrounded by the entire cast of annie?"
rachel,"joey, is what she just said umm—oh my god. you were actually gonna…",chandler,what is going on here?
monica,were so sorry.,chandler,yeah.
joey,"well, im telling everyone about you! thats the only way to explain the underwear and the video camera that doesnt make me look like a pig!",chandler,"no-no, wait! theres got to be a better explanation. you can tell them you had to make an adult film for your  adult film class."
joey,"yeah, i like that. but no-no, how does that explain why rachel found my underwear at your place?",chandler,oh—i dont know.
rachel,"yeah, well, feminism yes, but also the robots.",chandler,hey.
monica,"hey. okay, so umm, since that video camera thing didnt work out uh, i thought that i would give you just a little preview.",chandler,youre naked in this picture!
monica,i know.,chandler,ross?
ross,on account of my rage.,chandler,"which i may say, right now, is out of control."
monica,"wait a minute, theyre making you take time off work?",chandler,and youre okay with that?
rachel,joey has got a secret peephole!,chandler,oh no! no! no! no!
joey,no! i am not a pervert! okay? its just… i just… kinda…,chandler,"all right, look! look. i think i can explain this."
joey,thank you!,chandler,joeys a sex addict.
joey,i slept with monica.,chandler,well lets….lets see what everybody thinks of that?
ross,my god monica!!,chandler,are you sure joe? are you sure youre not just a sex addict?
ross,"oh, on a date. yeah, i met this girl on the train going to a museum upstate.",chandler,"oh, yeah! how did you meet her?"
ross,"okay, it was just me and her at the back of the train, and i sat near the door, so she’d have to pass by me if she wanted to switch cars. she was totally at my mercy.",chandler,were you so late because you were burring this woman?
ross,"no, i’m getting back down ‘cause she lives in poughkeepsie. she seems really great, but she’s like totally great, but she lives two and a half hours away.",chandler,how can she be great if she’s from poughkeepsie?  that joke would’ve killed in albany.
joey,"done! i did it! heh, who’s stupid now?",chandler,"hey, look at this!  they’re lighting the big christmas tree tonight."
phoebe,"umm, that paper’s two weeks old.",chandler,"all right, who keeps leaving old newspapers in the trash?! i really wanted to take kathy to this, i can’t believe i missed it."
rachel,"hey, y’know, at least you have somebody to miss that stuff with! i hate being alone this time of year! next thing you know it’ll be valentine’s day, then my birthday, then bang!—before you know it, they’re lighting that damn tree again. ohh, i want somebody!  y’know, i want a man!!  i mean, it doesn’t even have to be a big relationship, y’know, just like a fling would be great.",chandler,really?! i didn’t think girls ever just wanted a fling.
joey,"well, i know what i’m giving you for christmas.",chandler,"y’know what? there’s some nice guys at my office, do you want me to set you up?"
rachel,"yeah! wait a minute, it’s been a long time that i’ve been single. how come you never offered this before?",chandler,"well, i have a girlfriend, i’m-i’m happy. so, i no longer feel the need to go out of my way to stop others from being happy."
rachel,"okay! no accountants. oh, and no one from like legal. i don’t like guys with boring jobs.",chandler,oh and ross was like what? a lion tamer?
monica,"i would love too, but i can’t! i mean i just can’t, you know that i’m not good at confrontation.",chandler,"hey, you know what you can do? i remember reading about this director, i think it was orson wells, who at the beginning of the movie would hire somebody, just so he could fire them in front of everybody. then they would all know, who’s boss."
joey,hey! that must be why i got fired last week! does this orson wells guy direct burger king commercials?,chandler,yes.
drew,i didn’t think you were gay. i do now.,chandler,"see my friend-my friend, rachel, she wants to be set up."
drew,"ahh, i just got out of a big relationship, i’m not looking for any thing serious.",chandler,"oh, y’know what, that might be okay even if it was just kind of a fling, that might be all right with rachel."
mike,"whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! is this, hot rachel, that you took to the christmas party, rachel?",chandler,"oh, by the way, that is her full name."
drew,"hold on, y’know i just got a box of cubans, maybe i bring them by your office around uh, five?",chandler,"oh well, that’s uh, a little later than i uh, generally care to stay, but sure!"
mike,"maybe, before the game we could enjoy some eight year old some small batch basel hadens.",chandler,"well, i don’t really know what that is, but let’s!!"
phoebe,"pumpkin? yeah. but did he ever call you like, budolph?",chandler,"hello, children!"
all,hey!,chandler,have i got the 50 guys for you!
rachel,really?!,chandler,"oh yeah, i just showed this a picture of you and guys were throwing themselves at me! they’re buying me drinks! they’re giving me stuff!  knicks tonight?"
joey,sure! where are the seats?,chandler,wherever! i’ve got like 20!
rachel,"so, will i like any of these guys?",chandler,"y’know what, i’m gonna uh, play the field just a little more."
rachel,chandler!,chandler,guys are signing over their 401-k’s to me?
phoebe,you work with robots!!,chandler,"yes.  okay, there’s this one guy, patrick, i think you’re gonna like him, he’s really nice, he’s funny, he’s a swimmer."
rachel,"ohh, i like swimmer’s bodies!",chandler,"yes, and his father invented that magnetic strip on the back of credit cards."
rachel,"op, i like credit cards!",chandler,"see, i’m not bad at this fixing up thing, huh?"
rachel,"well, so what does he do?",chandler,"oh, he works in the fine foods division."
rachel,your company has a fine foods division?,chandler,"it’s a big company, i don’t—if you—i…"
ross,"oh, wow! i should get going. i-i got a date tonight.",chandler,oh yeah! with who?
ross,you know that girl i told you about who lives up in poughkeepsie?,chandler,yeah.
ross,hey!,chandler,"hey, man!"
rachel,chandler!! you have the best taste in men!,chandler,"well, like father, like son."
rachel,patrick and i had such a great time last night! i mean i think this could maybe turn into something serious.,chandler,really?! i-i thought you weren’t looking for something serious? i thought you were looking for some kind of a fling.
rachel,"well, yknow, possibly.  you didn’t tell him that, though? right?",chandler,"ummmmmmmm, no."
rachel,you told this guy that i was looking for a fling?! you don’t tell the guy that!,chandler,why not?! i’d be thrilled if i heard that some hot girl was just looking to get—oh i see.
phoebe,"happy, happy chanukah, chandler and monica. very merry…",chandler,"oh, y’know, y’know what pheebs?"
phoebe,what?,chandler,"i’m not jewish, so…"
phoebe,"so! ross doesn’t really decorate his tree with floss, but you don’t hear him complaining do you? god!",chandler,bad dream?
ross,i wasn’t sleeping.,chandler,"oh yeah, then uh, what was phoebe’s song about?"
phoebe,"umm, well i had a similar problem when i lived in prague.",chandler,prague?
rachel,"chandler! patrick just uh, ended things with me. did you or did you not tell him that i was looking for a serious relationship?",chandler,i did! i absolutely did!
rachel,you idiot!!,chandler,"i’m sure you’re right, but why?"
rachel,you don’t tell a guy that you’re looking for a serious relationship! you don’t tell the guy that! now you scared him away!,chandler,"oh, man. i’m sorry, i’m so-so sorry."
rachel,"y’know, you should never be allowed to talk to people!",chandler,i know! i know!
rachel,"oh! see just i’m right back where i started! aww, this sucks! being alone, sucks!",chandler,"well, y’know, you’re-you’re gonna meet somebody! you’re a great catch! y’know when i was telling all those guys about you, i didn’t have to lie once."
rachel,really?,chandler,"yeah! you graduated magma ku laude, right?"
rachel,no.,chandler,"oh, it doesn’t matter.  hey, y’know what, i’ve got two tickets to tonight’s rangers game, you wanna come with me?"
rachel,cute guys in little shorts? sure.,chandler,"well, actually it’s a hockey team, so it’s angry canadians with no teeth."
rachel,well that sounds fun too.,chandler,have you ever been with a woman?
rachel,"what?! chandler, what is the matter with you?!",chandler,so there is no good time to ask that question.
phoebe,"went to the store, sat on santas lap.",chandler,hey!
monica,"good morning, tiger! im making you a nice big breakfast so you can keep up your strength for tonight. youre gonna get me good and pregnant.",chandler,ive got nowhere to go this morning. im unemployed! i dont know what im gonna do with my life.
monica,"well, i just lost my erection.",chandler,"i mean, what am i supposed to do with myself?"
monica,youre supposed to find your passion in life. you can be whatever you wanna be now. its exciting.,chandler,but its all so overwhelming. i dont know where to start.
monica,"hey, wait a second. i can help you with this. you just need to be organized. we can make a list of your qualifications, and categorize jobs by industry. there could be folders and files!",chandler,hey! this is where your hyper-organized-pain-in-the-ass stuff pays off!
monica,"okay, i have looked through a bunch of career guides, photocopied and highlighted key passages and put them into alphabetical folders so you can make an informed decision.",chandler,how long was i in there?
monica,okay. let us start with the as. advertising.,chandler,wait. advertising! thats a great idea!
monica,dont you want to look through the rest?,chandler,"i dont think i have to hear the rest. advertising makes perfect sense. sorry you had to waste all this time, though."
monica,"you call eight hours alone with my label maker wasted time? ooh, now i get to use my shredder!",chandler,"i mean, i can write slogans. i mean, how hard can it be, right? cheese. its milk that you chew. crackers. because your cheese needs a buddy. a grape. because who can get a water melon in your mouth?"
monica,i got one. socks. because your familys feet deserve the best.,chandler,honey? leave it to the pros.
monica,i actually know someone in advertising. i grew up with this guy who is a vice president at a big agency. maybe i can get him to meet you? give me the phone.,chandler,the phone. bringing you closer to people...who have phones.
interviewer,"so, do you have any other question about advertising?",chandler,"no, no. but let me show you what i can do. bagels and donuts. round food for every mood."
interviewer,monica warned me you might do that. i actually think we might have something for you at the agency.,chandler,really? thats great!
interviewer,its an unpaid internship.,chandler,its funny. when you said unpaid it sounded like you said unpaid.
interviewer,come on now. monica has a good job. and its not like you have a family to support.,chandler,"actually, were trying, and i dont think monicas gonna wanna postpone it. were supposed to have sex tonight. actually, shes probably at home naked right now. i tend to keep talking until somebody stops me. i can just picture her on the bed right now."
rachel,youre pretty.,chandler,"whatever i decide to do, im gonna be starting a career from scratch. its gonna be a while before i make a living at it. maybe now is not the right time to be starting a family."
ross,so you have to tell monica you dont want to have a baby right now?,chandler,yeah.
monica,"okay, its baby time. pants off bing.  didnt see you there geller.",chandler,"yeah, ross is here so..."
ross,hey.,chandler,hey.
ross,you have a blue tie that would go with this? emma spit up on mine.,chandler,"oh, yeah. but you have to give it back if i get a job. of course, by that time in the future ties will be obsolete and well all be wearing silver jump suits."
monica,sorry.  but i kind of have this feeling that we may have made a baby last night.,chandler,"oh god, i have to tell you something. youre not pregnant."
monica,what are you talking about?,chandler,that thing that i have to do to make a baby. i faked it.
monica,you faked it? you couldnt have faked it!,chandler,oh yes you can. you just make the faces and the noises.
monica,"guys can fake it? unbelievable. the one thing thats ours! besides, why would you fake it when were trying to have a baby?",chandler,"thats actually why. look, im starting a whole new career now, and im not saying that i dont want to have a baby, im just saying maybe we could wait a little while."
monica,like a month?,chandler,or a year?
monica,"really, you want to wait a year?",chandler,"it could be less than a year. i mean, youve heard my stuff. pants. like shorts, but longer. itll probably be more than a year."
monica,i really wanna have a baby.,chandler,"yeah, me too. look, ill just get my old job back."
monica,"no, i want you to have a job that you love. not statistical analysis and data reconfiguration.",chandler,i quit and you learn what i do?
monica,"its just, i think, theres never gonna be a right time to have a baby. i mean, now youre unemployed and in a little while youll find a new job thatll keep you really busy. theres always gonna be a reason not to do this, but i think once the baby comes, forget about all those reasons.",chandler,i guess. its always gonna be scary when we have a baby.
monica,"its gonna be really scary. i mean, god. when we have a baby, theres gonna be so much that were not able to control. i mean, the apartments gonna be a mess, i wont have time to clean it. what if the baby gets into the ribbon drawer? messes up all the ribbons?! what if theres no room for a ribbon drawer, because the babys stuff takes up all the space!? where will all the ribbons go!?!",chandler,should we go make a baby right now before you change your mind?
monica,"yes, please!",chandler,"oh, and i promise, i will not fake it this time."
monica,"oh, dear god!",chandler,"good morning everyone, it�s nice to see our team together for the first time. now, before we get started, are there any questions?  yes, ken is it?"
ken,"that�s right. is it true, that the reason you are here in tulsa is that you fell asleep in a meeting and took the job without realizing what you were saying yes to?",chandler,"well, don�t believe everything you hear, ken.  but yeah, that�s true. alright, let�s get started, by take a look at last quarter�s figures. (the female next to chandler starts"
claudia,i�m sorry. does the smoke bother you?,chandler,"no, no, no-no-no. i smoked for years, then i quit. right"
claudia,"yes, in oklahoma it�s legal to smoke in offices with fifteen people or less.  would you like one?",chandler,"alright, lo�look. i don�t smoke anymore. but if the rest of you want to light up, go ahead, it�s fine.  so you all smoke then? that�s almost rude, that i�m not."
ken,that�s not true. if you don�t wanna smoke �,chandler,"ken, please! no, i can�t, i can�t smoke. if i smoke, my wife would kill me."
ken,"i�m sorry, but isn�t your wife back in new york?",chandler,"i always liked you, ken."
phoebe,"�kay, see you there. happy humping!  hey�hey! oh, wow, somebody smoked out here? oh my god, don�t people know, you�re not allowed to smoke in public spaces?",chandler,"actually, in oklahoma smoking is legal in all commune areas and offices with fewer than fifteen people."
phoebe,you smoked!,chandler,"no! i just happened t�do a lot trivias about smoking in different states. for example, in hawaii cigarettes are called leyhallalookoos."
phoebe,"chandler, you stink of cigarettes.",chandler,"uch, do you think, monica is gonna be able smell it?"
phoebe,are you kidding? the woman has the nose of a bloodhound � and the breasts of a greek goddess.,chandler,pheebs?
phoebe,i�m gonna go.,chandler,"okay, something to cover the smell � oven cleaner!  unscented!"
monica,welcome home. i�ve missed you. join me in the bedroom?,chandler,"no thanks, i�m good."
monica,"o-kay, so you wanna play it that way, do you?",chandler,"right. you know what? actually i just get off the plane, so i�m feeling kinda gross. maybe i should just take a shower."
monica,you don�t need a shower.,chandler,"alright, the truth is, i soiled myself during some turbulences."
monica,what do i smell?  i smell smoke. huh�did you smoke?,chandler,"yes, but i just had one. two. two tiny cigarettes. okay, five. a pack. two pack�a�a carton. three big fat cartons in two days.  but it�s over, i made a decision, i�m not gonna smoke anymore."
monica,"how can you smoke in this day of age? do you not seen that ad with a little kid walks to grandpa, it�s chilling.",chandler,"i messed up, it was a meeting, everybody was smoking."
monica,so what? don�t you have any will power?,chandler,will power? i�ve watch home movies of you eating ding-dongs  without taking the tin foil off.
monica,you said that was sexy!,chandler,"�kay, look: can we just drop this? i�m not gonna smoke again."
monica,"that�s right, because i forbid you to smoke again.",chandler,you forbid me?
monica,mhmm.,chandler,"you know, i flew a long way t see my loving wife? is she here by the way?"
monica,"don�t joke  with me, okay? i�m very, very upset right now.",chandler,"oh, would you say this was the most upset you could be?"
monica,yes.,chandler,"then, i might as well �  do this . not really sure what to do now."
monica,"well, i�ll tell you what we�re gonna do: we are already late for phoebe�s birthday dinner, so you point out put out that cigarette, we�re gonna put this fight on hold and go have sex.",chandler,fine. what!?
monica,"sex! this is the last day i�m ovulating, and when we don�t do it now, we�ll have to wait till next month.",chandler,you serious?
monica,oh yeah!,chandler,"right, fine, i�ll do it, but no talking."
monica,"huh, and no cuddling.",chandler,and no kissing your neck.
monica,"oh good, i hate it when you do that",chandler,and lots of kissing your neck.
monica,spend more time with the tie. that�ll make a baby.,chandler,"look, i can�t do this. i can�t make luv to you while we�re fighting this way."
monica,"oh sure, now you�re mister sensitivity. but when you wanted to have sex right after my uncle�s funeral",chandler,"that was a celebration of life. alright, look, i�m not gonna do this. alright, is this really the way you want a baby to be conceived?"
monica,"no, you�re right. mnya, we shouldn�t do it like this. huch. for what it�s worth, i�m, i�m sorry. i shouldn�t have come down on you so hard about the smoking. so you had a few cigarettes, not the end of the world.",chandler,mean it?
monica,yah.,chandler,"you are incredible. unless, i�i�m not gonna smoke again. and if i do, i promise, i will hide it so much better from you."
monica,d�you want to?,chandler,"yeah, let�s celebrate life!"
ross,somehow over time it got easier to be apart from you.,chandler,uhh. you are welcome.
monica,you know what? let�s not talk.,chandler,what?
monica,uch. i am still so mad at you for smoking.,chandler,but you said you forgave me. it was just a couple of cigarettes�no big deal.
monica,"oh, blablablabaybaybay.",chandler,leave it.
monica,i was just saying that because i was ovulating and you said you wouldn�t have sex with me while we�re fighting.,chandler,you tricked me to get me into bed?
monica,"that�s right, i got mine.",chandler,i feel so used.
monica,"well, we had a little fight.",chandler,i would never lie to get someone into bed.
monica,"you used to tell girls you were a kennedy. ooh, uh, thanks. wow, little tight, isn�t it? how d�you get a bigger table? you-you had a big table, but they made you move. huh-huh, shut up monica. whoo, i suppose that chandler will have the smoked duck.",chandler,i suppose that monica will have the � manipulative shrew.
rachel,y�guys ever heard the story about when rosses mom went to the beauty salon?,chandler,you mean the lully story?
monica,"uch, you see, i�m ovulating.",chandler,"oh yeah, that�s what she says. but maybe you�re not ovulating at all, maybe it�s just a clever ruse to get me into bed."
monica,"yes smokie, that is what it was. i just can�t get enough.",chandler,you not gonna believe this: she lied! she tricked me into having sex with her.
joey,"so? did have sex, right?",chandler,what�s the matter with me? why i�m such a girl?
monica,"so, i�m, i�m probably still ovulating. do you want to give it another try?",chandler,"so you never had sex with a kennedy, have you?"
ross,"hey, how’d the date go with mr. millionaire?",chandler,"mr. millionaire, new from snooty playthings! third wife sold separately."
monica,"noo!! it’s driving me crazy. i mean every other way he’s like the perfect guy, he has everything. plus! he actually has everything.",chandler,life-sized imperial storm troopers from sharper image?
monica,two.,chandler,wow!! can joey and i put them on and fight?
monica and phoebe,oh.,chandler,"yeah, either that, or gloria estefan was right, eventually, the rhythm is going to get you."
ross,"well, maybe the crazy fog has lifted and she realises that life without me.... a-sucks.",chandler,"it’s possible. you are very loveable, i’d miss you if i broke up with you.  i was just trying to be supportive."
ross,then be supportive like a guy.,chandler,"if i broke up with you, i’d miss you."
phoebe,"so, you’re like a zillionaire?",chandler,and you’re our age. you’re our age.
joey,"oh, oh, i got it! pete-chicago.",chandler,that’s not a state joe.
all,okay.,chandler,you’re our age!
joey,it does in mine!,chandler,"i can blow dry it. i can put gel on it. it doesn’t matter, i still wind up with this little  cowlicky thing on the middle part of my head. it’s so annoying. does it bug you?"
ross,you bug me.,chandler,is there any chance you didn’t see that?
ross,"i knew it! i knew it! i always knew she liked him! yknow, she’d say no, but here we are! right? we just broke up, first thing she does!",chandler,you didn’t just break up.
ross,"hey, it’s been like three weeks!",chandler,you slept with somebody three hours after you thought you broke up. i mean bullets have left guns slower!
ross,"here they come, here they come. oh-ho, if she kisses him goodnight, i’m gonna kill myself, i swear. i can’t, i can’t watch this.  come on, date over! date over! uh-oh, here we go, she’s going in.",chandler,okay.
ross,"she’s going in. wait! he’s going in! he’s going in!! the door’s closed! i, i can’t see anything but the door closed!!",chandler,and the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.
ross,"okay, i have to do something. i mean, i have, i have to stop it!",chandler,stop what?!
ross,"i don’t know, but i ah, i have the feeling that my being there will do it. i’ll go over and i will borrow something. juice!! i need juice!!",chandler,no!! you can’t!!
ross,"look, they must be stopped!",chandler,"i am your friend, and i am not gonna let you do this!!  you are surprisingly strong!"
ross,i need juice! people need juice!!,chandler,look man!
ross,people need juice!,chandler,listen to me!!
ross,"juice, i need...",chandler,"she’s moving on! okay, if it’s not this guy, it’s gonna be somebody else! and unless you’re thinking about subletting my peep hole, you are going to have to get used to the fact that the relationship is over! okay, man? it’s over."
ross,"yeah, okay.",chandler,okay.
ross,it’s just i miss her so much.,chandler,i know.
pete,one second.,chandler,i don’t think this town is big enough for both of us to relax in.  draw!!
joey,"just because she went to yale drama, she thinks she’s like the greatest actress since, since, sliced bread!",chandler,"ah, sliced bread, a wonderful lady macbeth."
joey,"god, i just, i hate her! i hate her!! with her, ‘oh, i’m so talented.’ and ‘oh, i’m so pretty,’ and ‘ooh, i smell so good.’",chandler,i think somebody has a crush on somebody.
joey,"hey, chandler, can we please stay focused on my problem here?! yknow?",chandler,"i’m talking about you. you big, big freak."
joey,"oh.  ohh. ohh, you’re out of your mind.",chandler,"hey, you have nothing but talk about her for the last 48 hours! if you were in a school yard you’d be pulling her pigtails and pushing her down now!"
phoebe,"hey!  why isn’t it spiderman? y’know like goldman, silverman...",chandler,‘cause it’s-it’s not his last name.
phoebe,it isn’t?,chandler,"no, it’s not like, like phil spiderman. he’s a spider, man. yknow like ah, like goldman is a last name, but there’s no gold man."
rachel,no. nothing.,chandler,"so, ahh, what kind of powers would gold man have?"
phoebe,"okay well, he would turn things to gold.",chandler,what about things that are already gold?
phoebe,"ahh, his work is done.",chandler,"okay, let’s play my game now."
phoebe,okay. all right you yellow-bellied-lilly-livered-draw!!,chandler,"well, i dont know what big leon told ya but its an even thousand if you want me for the whole night. what is this for?"
joey,"oh, no no, thats the beauty part, it goes with everything.",chandler,"well, itll probably slow it down at first but, once i get used to the extra weight, ill be back on track."
ross,"y-ello. no, rachels not here right now, can i take a message? alright, and how do we spell casey, is it like at the bat or and the sunshine band? ok, bye-bye. hey, whos this uh, this casey?",chandler,"well, im guessing he wants to do a little dance. . . ya know, make a little love. . . well pretty much get down tonight."
phoebe,"ok. ooh, ok, you gotta give me a second, i wanna get this",chandler,"oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you dont have to walk around sporting some"
rachel,"no, listen to me. i fell for you and i get clobbered. you then fall for me and i again, somehow, get clobbered. im tired of being clobbered, ya know, its, its just not worth it.",chandler,"well, doesnt the fact that i wore the bracelet even though i hated it say something about our friendship and how much it means to me?"
joey,"well, what about the fact that you insulted the bracelet and you made fun of me?",chandler,"ok, well thats the part where im a wank. but i was hoping we wouldnt focus on"
phoebe,would you stop already? get out of the bitter barn and play in the hay.,chandler,"oh, youre right i, i should play in the hay. forget about the fact that i just dropped 400 dollars to replace a bracelet that i hated to begin with. bring on the hay."
phoebe,i don’t know.  a cowboy theme?,chandler,hey!
monica,hey!,chandler,y’know i’m-i’m really glad we decided not to sleep together before the wedding.
monica,oh boy me too!,chandler,y’know i was thinking if we had a…a big fight and uh we broke up for a few hours…
monica,yeah?,chandler,"technically we could have sex again. what do you think, bossy and domineering?!"
monica,"the wedding is off, sloppy and immature!",chandler,that’s me! come on!
monica,"okay.  but wait, we can’t. my cousin cassie is in the guest room, we’re supposed to have lunch.",chandler,"well get rid of her, obsessive and shrill."
cassie,i thought i heard voices. you must be chandler.,chandler,hi! nice to meet you!
monica,chandler!,chandler,i’ll be right with you.
ross,what?! chandler she’s our cousin!,chandler,i was not staring at her. okay? i was just listening intently. it’s called being a good conversationalist. watch.  say something.
monica,she looks exactly like aunt marilyn.,chandler,"umm, so this aunt marilyn is-is-is-is she coming to the wedding?"
monica,do you really want a job with popular mechanics?,chandler,"well, if youre gonna work for mechanics, those are the ones to work for."
rachel,give me that!,chandler,"you know, i cant believe you. linda is so great! why wont you go out with her again?"
ross,i dont know.,chandler,is this still about her whole the flintstones couldve really happened thing?
ross,"no, its not just that. its just—i want someone who... who does something for me, yknow? who gets my heart pounding, who... who makes me, uh...",chandler,...little playthings with yarn?
ross,what?,chandler,could you want her more?
ross,who?,chandler,"dee, the sarcastic sister from whats happening."
joey,shut up!,chandler,were not—were not saying anything.
joey,thank you.,chandler,"we were playing poker, alright..."
ross,"oh, guys, you shouldve seen him. read em and weep.",chandler,and then he did.
phoebe,"oh, ok, so then what is it? some kind of... you know, like, like... some kind of, yknow, like... alright, what is it?",chandler,there just dont happen to be any women in our games.
guys,no.,chandler,"ok, so now we draw cards."
phoebe,congratulations!,chandler,"ok phoebs, how many do you want?"
joey,"whoa, whoa, whoa, monica, whatre you doin? this is a poker game. you cant serve food with more than one syllable. its gotta be like chips, or dip, or pretz...",chandler,"ok, so at this point, the dealer..."
phoebe,"but... im ready, so, just deal.",chandler,"ok, alright, last minute lesson, last minute lesson.  joey... three... eight. eight... three.  alright babe, deal the cards."
guys,"whoa, whoa, whoa!",chandler,"rach, rach, we gotta settle."
rachel,settle what?,chandler,"the... jamestown colony of virginia. you see, king george is giving us the land, so..."
ross,...yeah.,chandler,"yes, and i get my ya-yas from ikea. you have to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less."
ross,"alright boys, lets eat.",chandler,"oh, did you get that from the i love rachel pizzeria?"
ross,you still on that?,chandler,"oh, come on. what was with that whole black bart speech? : when i play poker, im not a nice guy!"
rachel,"guys! guess what, guess what, guess what, guess what!",chandler,"um, ok... the... the fifth dentist caved and now theyre all recommending trident?"
joey,"alright now listen, you guys, we talked about it, and if you dont want to play, we completely understand.",chandler,"oh yes, yes, we could play some other game... like, uh, i dont know... pictionary?"
phoebe,"oh, i cursed it. so now bad things will happen to he who spends it.",chandler,"thats alright, ill take it. bad things happen to me anyway. this way i can break em up with a movie."
phoebe,"you guys, you know what i just realized? joker is poker with a j. coincidence?",chandler,"hey, thats... thats joincidence with a c!"
phoebe,chandler?,chandler,couldnt be more out.
ross,let me see! show them!,chandler,"yknow, ive had dates like this."
ross,im in for fifty cents.,chandler,call.
joey,"thats ok, ross, you can ask me. what?",chandler,": what do you need, what do you need?"
ross,fifteen.,chandler,"alright, heres ten."
ross,thank you.,chandler,good luck.
joey,": ahhh, thats alright. yknow, thats a tough hand to beat.",chandler,: i thought we had them!
ross,"oh, well, when you dont have the cards, you dont have the cards, you know.  but, uh... look how happy she is.",chandler,airplane! airport! airport 75! airport 77! airport 79!
rachel,"ok, ok, its my turn.",chandler,go.
monica,"god, this adoption stuff is so overwhelming. theres inter-country adoption, dependency adoption.. there are so many ways to go, and this is like the biggest decision of our lives.",chandler,theres a hair in my coffee.
phoebe,"hey, have you seen frank jr., cause hes meeting me here with the triplets.",chandler,"you know, its funny. every time you say triplets, i immediately think of three hot blonde 19-year olds."
bill,we went through the same thing when we were adopting.,chandler,"so, a lot of malfunctioning wee-wees and hoo-hoos in this room, huh?"
bill,"i know the process is frustrating, but its so worth it. adopting owen was the best thing that ever happened to us.",chandler,thats great.  can i see the book?
monica,can i adopt you?,chandler,"hey, you must be owen."
owen,yeah.,chandler,"im chandler. hey, i was in the scouts too."
owen,you were?,chandler,"yeah, in fact my father was a den-mother."
owen,huh?,chandler,you know how to use a compass?
owen,i have a badge in it.,chandler,you do? thats fantastic!
owen,you wanna see it?,chandler,"id love to, but i gotta get back to talking to your parents. theyre telling us all about how they adopted you."
owen,what?!?,chandler,what?
owen,im adopted?,chandler,i got nothing.
phoebe,"are you kidding? thats what sisters are for. frank jr. : look at them! aw. i love you so much.  oh crap, dont wake up, dont wake up!",chandler,where are bill and colleen?
monica,theyre in the kitchen getting something to eat. can you believe how nice they are?,chandler,we have to leave!!
monica,why? what did you do in the bathroom?,chandler,"i didnt get to the bathroom. i bumped into owen on the way, and he didnt know he was adopted. and theres a slight chance i may have told him."
colleen,"ill go get him in a second. by the way, you should know we havent told him hes adopted yet.",chandler,but kids are so intuitive. dont you think on some level he already knows?
owen,im adopted?!,chandler,see? intuitive!
owen,he told me! and he paid me 50 dollars not to tell.,chandler,which technically now you should give back!
colleen,you told him hes adopted?,chandler,"im so sorry, but you should have a sign out there or something. or at least whisper it to people when they come in the door. owen doesnt know hes adopted, and he also thinks that santa is real."
monica,"uhm, we just wanna give you a heads-up. bill and colleen hate us.",chandler,"owen didnt know he was adopted, and monica told him."
phoebe,"still, he had to find out sometime.",chandler,"yeah, but how would you like it if someone told the triplets that you gave birth to them?"
monica,"hello?  hold on please. joey, it’s your mom.",chandler,it’s your mommy. it’s your mommy.
ross,it wasn’t the best.,chandler,that was one of the worse things ever. and not just on tv.
phoebe,i don’t know. i don’t know. i can’t lie to him again. oh no i—no! i’m just gonna press my breasts up against him.,chandler,and say nothing?
rachel,"okay, hold on just a second.  i’m sorry, it’s for human resources, everybody has to do it. could you just stand up please?",chandler,no-no-no-no.  hey!
monica,hey sweetie.,chandler,"hi sweetie. so, what was with all the whispering?"
monica,i can’t tell you. it’s a secret.,chandler,secret? married people aren’t supposed to have secrets between one another. we have too much love and respect for one another.
monica,awww.  but still no.,chandler,"no i’m serious, we should tell each other everything. i do not have any secrets from you."
monica,"really? okay, so why don’t you tell me what happened to ross junior year at disneyland?",chandler,"oh no-no, i can’t do that."
monica,"if you tell me, i’ll tell you what phoebe said.",chandler,okay.
monica,okay.,chandler,"so, ross and i are going to disneyland and we stop at this restaurant for tacos. and when i say restaurant, i mean a guy, a hibachi, and the trunk of his car. so ross has about 10 tacos. and anyway, we’re on space mountain and ross starts to feel a little iffy."
monica,oh my god. he threw up?,chandler,"no, he visited a little town south of throw up.  so what was phoebe’s secret?"
monica,"oh, nancy thompson from phoebe’s old massage place is getting fired.",chandler,that’s it?! i gave up my disneyland story for that?
rachel,"chandler, you have an assistant right?",chandler,did she call? you-you told her i was sick right? always tell her i am sick!
rachel,"no, i-i just don’t know how you decide who to hire. i mean i’ve got it narrowed down to two people. one of them has great references and a lot of experience and then there’s this guy…",chandler,what about him?
rachel,okay you’re right. i’ll hire hilda tomorrow. dumb old perfect for the job hilda!,chandler,let me see this guy.  w-h-wow! don’t show this to monica! and don’t tell her about the w-h-wow!
rachel,"me either. umm, all right, first thing i need you to do is go downstairs and find a women named hilda and tell her to go home.",chandler,hey.
monica,"hey! good, you’re home!",chandler,"oh it’s always nicer to here than, aw crap! you again!"
monica,hey baby.,chandler,hey.
monica,i made you a surprise.,chandler,oh yeah?
monica,"yeah, tacos! ever since you told me that story i’ve had such a craving for them.",chandler,did you not understand the story?
ross,hey!,chandler,hey! what’s up?
ross,"oh, nothin’ much. just trying to figure out what i’m gonna do for dinner.",chandler,huh.
ross,"hey—ooh! what’s-what’s that, dinner stuff? you making dinner?",chandler,no!  shhh!
ross,you told her!,chandler,nancy thompson’s getting fired!
ross,how could you tell her?!,chandler,i had too okay?! we’re getting married! married couples can’t keep secrets from one another!
ross,oh really? well i-i guess monica should know about atlantic city.,chandler,du-ude!
ross,"well, chandler and i are in a bar…",chandler,"did you not hear me say, du-ude?!"
monica,you kissed a guy?!! oh my god.,chandler,"in my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy."
ross,"oh mon, i laughed so hard…",chandler,"ho-ho, so hard we had to throw out your underwear again?"
joey,why would they do that?! it was a good show right?!,chandler,"you wanna tell secrets?! okay! okay! in college, ross used to wear leg warmers!"
ross,all right! all right! chandler entered a vanilla ice look-a-like contest and won!,chandler,ross came in forth and cried!
monica,it’s hard for some people!,chandler,of course it is.  wow—whoa!
monica,chandler one time wore my underwear to work!,chandler,hey!!!
ross,"ohh! ohh! in college, chandler got drunk and slept with the lady who cleaned our dorm!",chandler,that was you!
ross,"and in my defense, the cleaning lady came on to me!",chandler,you have no trouble telling time now right?
monica,no!,chandler,quick! what time is it?!
monica,i don’t know! time to kiss a guy maybe?!  what are you laughing at pampers?,chandler,y’know when i said that because we’re getting married that we should share everything and not have any secrets?
monica,yeah?,chandler,yeah that was stupid. let’s not do that.
ross,man!,chandler,"yeah, and not that you would, but i wouldn’t hang out with…all the guys in my office."
monica,"oh, the way you crushed mike at ping pong was such a turn-on.you wanna...?",chandler,"you know, id love to, but im a little tired."
monica,ill put a pillowcase over my head.,chandler,youre on!
phoebe,sounds like hes with someone.,chandler,"he could be alone. this morning i heard him do push-ups, and then talk to his triceps."
monica,"oh my god, thats charlie!",chandler,shes cheating on joey with ross!
rachel,ooh...,chandler,wow!
monica,i cant believe this. rachel and joey?,chandler,how about the dinosaur twins in the other room? no-one is manning that wall!
monica,im on it!,chandler,anything?
monica,"bedsprings, unmistakable!",chandler,you do realise  thats your brother?
monica,"not until you said it. somebody switch!  wait a minute... ross and charlie, joey and rachel, phoebe and mike! were the only people  leaving with the same person we came with.",chandler,thats not true. i came with monica and im leaving with weird al.
monica,"okay, ive had it with the hair jokes. tomorrow morning, before we leave, im going to the salon.",chandler,okay buckwheat!
phoebe,thats the door. hes gone...,chandler,and shes... turning on the tv... and watching... miss congeniality!
monica,"yeah, we had a great time, thank you!",chandler,bye!
ross,"okay, uhm... hey, you guys seen joey anywhere?",chandler,hes probably in his room with his current girlfriend charlie. thats the situation as we know it...
ross,"well, if you see him could you please tell him im looking for him?",chandler,you got it!
rachel,"all right, look you guys... look, we appreciate all the advice, but this is between joey and me and i think we can handle it...",chandler,"okay, well well go back in there, but will you do one thing for us? the people that  care about you?"
rachel,sure...,chandler,enunciate!
ross,hey!,chandler,hey!
ross,you guys ready to go?,chandler,"not quite. monicas still at the salon, and im just finishing packing."
ross,dude! youre not taking your bible?,chandler,"youre not supposed to take that. besides, its a new testament, what are you gonna do with it?"
phoebe,whos day just got better? chandler!,chandler,hey!... aaaaaahhhh!
monica,what do you think?,chandler,i think.... i think i can see your scalp.
monica,and listen to this...,chandler,what dya know... its a treat for the eyes and the ears.
joey,"whoo, whoo. wow, its uhm... kinda weird that im sitting next to charlie after we broke up.",chandler,"yeah, its almost if air barbados doesnt care about your social life."
ross,"no, ill do it.",chandler,wish i could switch with someone. i really dont wanna sit with allen iverson over there.
monica,"oh, i cant wait for everyone at work to see these...  ow!",chandler,"you go back to work tomorrow night, right?"
monica,yeah!,chandler,"so if you want people to see them, then by definition youre not  having them taken out... say, at the break of dawn?"
monica,"well, if i had them taken out, then i wouldnt be able to do this.  you like that, right?",chandler,what are you singing?
monica,its bolero from 10.,chandler,its ride of the valkyries from apocalypse now...
monica,you what? you said you liked them.,chandler,did i? lets refresh. i believe what i said was that i could see your scalp.
monica,"fine, so you dont like them. everybody else does.",chandler,"again, lets journey back... as i recall what rachel said, was  she had never notice the shape of your skull before. and joey... well, joey didnt realise that there was anything different."
monica,"you know what? i dont care. i like it like this, and im gonna keep it. youre just jealous because your hair cant do this...  ouch!",chandler,hit yourself in the tooth?
phoebe,youre welcome!,chandler,"honey, youve been in there for a long time... is everything okay?"
monica,i have a problem.,chandler,really? what happened?
monica,"well, i was dancing around, and singing no woman, no cry and i got stuck.",chandler,you cant move at all?
monica,"oh, well, i can move...",chandler,"if i untangle you, will you please get rid of the corn rose?"
monica,i guess so...,chandler,some of these look a little frayed.
monica,look what i found in the drawer...  and you said id never wear this...,chandler,"now that i untangled you, how bout you doing a little something for me?"
monica,"sure, what do you have in mind?",chandler,i think you know.
monica,really? i dont really feel like it.,chandler,this is what i want to do.
monica,"okay, i just dont get why you like it so much.",chandler,"shes an fbi agent, posing as a beauty contestant. the end"
phoebe,oh my god!!! monica!! he’s the stripper from your bachelorette party!!,chandler,her what?!!
phoebe,your secret bachelorette party…,chandler,you had a bachelorette party?!
phoebe,she untied his g-string with her teeth.  somebody stop me!,chandler,"i thought we weren’t gonna have bachelor/bachelorette parties! y’know, we agreed that it was a silly tradition."
joey,"this is so unfair! the one thing i wanted to do was throw my best friend a bachelor party, but no, i wasn’t allowed to. all i got was a stupid steak dinner!",chandler,you went home with the waitress.
joey,"oh yeah, that was a pretty good night.",chandler,i can’t believe you didn’t tell me! you know that the two pillars of marriage are openness and honesty!
mona,"oh hey, thanks again for showing me your semi-precious stone collection. it was amazing!",chandler,my god! you must be good in bed!
ross,"well, i was gonna say sweet, but yeah-huh!",chandler,she’s okay with rachel and the baby?
ross,"well i…i haven’t actually told her yet. i don’t want to scare her off, y’know?",chandler,"well, you have to honest with her! otherwise you may think that you’re going down the same path, but you’re really going down different ones."
monica,"oh my god! you are gonna love me so much! i felt really bad about the whole bachelorette party thing, so tonight you’re gonna have a bachelor party.",chandler,what?
monica,"yeah, i got this number from this guy at work and i hired a stripper to come dance for you. am i going in the wife hall of fame or what?!",chandler,honey! that’s crazy! i don’t want you to get me a stripper…
monica,"come on! come on, it’ll be fun! it’ll make me feel so much better.",chandler,"look, i appreciate it, but uh, it’s a little creepy. y’know? i’m not a bachelor anymore."
monica,please! i feel so bad! just watch the hot woman get naked!,chandler,all right fine! but i’m only doing this for you!
joey,yeah!,chandler,and joey.
monica,"thank you. all right, now who else do you want to invite?",chandler,"ah, no-no-no just ross. ross and joey is embarrassing enough."
ross,"uh actually, sorry i can’t even make it. i’m seeing mona again tonight.",chandler,i understand: who would cancel an actual date to go to a fake bachelor party?
joey,"so you uh, nervous about getting married?",chandler,what are you doing?
joey,"look, look let’s pretend it’s a real bachelor party. okay? y’know? before your wedding. come on, it’ll be fun.",chandler,okay. i can’t believe tomorrow’s the big day.
joey,how does it feel knowing you’re never gonna be with another woman again huh? knowing you’re gonna have to wake up to the same face everyday until you finally have the sweet release of death.,chandler,"you’re right, this is more fun."
stripper,hi!,chandler,hi.
joey,"uh, that-that’s-that’s me!",chandler,that’s me.
stripper,so is that a bedroom?,chandler,"yeah, yeah right over there."
stripper,"all right, whenever you’re ready.",chandler,that was weird.
stripper,i’m waiting.,chandler,so she’s a…
ross,"i’m sorry. dr. green, mona. mona, dr. green.",chandler,i can’t believe there is a naked hooker in there!
joey,"wait! wait! maybe she’s a hooker and a stripper, but she got confused about what she’s supposed to do.",chandler,"could be. i mean technically she did strip, we just, we just missed it.  ma’am, are you also a stripper?"
joey,"maybe monica’s playing a joke on ya. y’know? getting her own husband a hooker, that’s pretty funny.",chandler,"that is funny, maybe for my birthday she’ll murder someone."
hooker,do you mind if i smoke in here?,chandler,"oh actually, i’d rather you…yeah, go ahead. we’re gonna have to burn that room down anyway."
joey,maybe she meant to get you a hooker.,chandler,why would she do that?
joey,"maybe she wants you to learn something. huh? now is there anything you’re really bad at y’know, sexually?",chandler,this is the worst bachelor party ever!
joey,in a minute!,chandler,in a minute? what’s gonna happen in a minute?!
joey,"all right, all right maybe-maybe you should just ask her to leave.",chandler,why me?!
joey,hey! it’s your bachelor party.,chandler,which is why you should do it.
joey,i don’t want to. you do it!,chandler,you do it!
joey,you do it!,chandler,"all right rock, paper, scissors who has to tell the whore to leave!  what?"
joey,i miss this.,chandler,i don’t think we’ve actually done this before!
joey,"no, i-i miss hanging out with you.",chandler,well we…we still hang out.
joey,not like we used to. remember? you and me used to be inseparable. y’know now it’s like…things are different.,chandler,"well y’know, things are different. i’m…i’m married now."
joey,"oh sure—and hey, don’t get me wrong, i am so happy for you guys. i just…i miss…hanging out…just-just us, y’know?",chandler,"yeah, i miss that too. i tell you what; from now on we’ll make time to hang out with each other."
monica,i swear i didn’t know she was a hooker! i mean wh—did you let her smoke in here?,chandler,"her ass print is still on your grandmother’s quilt, do you really want to talk about smoking?"
monica,"y’know what? i’m gonna make this up to you. i promised you a stripper , and you’re gonna get a stripper.",chandler,monica! wait!
monica,what?,chandler,carry on.
monica,"ooh, these tennis shoes are so tight. i think i’ll take them off.",chandler,could you not narrate?
ross,"man, i sure miss julie.",chandler,"spanish midgets. spanish midgets wrestling. julie. ok, yes, i see how you got there."
ross,you ever figure out what that things for?,chandler,"no, see, im trying this new screening thing. you know, i figure if im always answering the phone, peoplell think i dont have a life. my god, rodrigo never gets pinned. : here comes the beep, you know what to do."
jade,"hello, im looking for bob. this is jane. i dont know if youre still at this number, but i was just thinking about us, and how great it was, and, well, i know its been three years, but, i was kinda hoping we could hook up again. i barely had t he nerve to make this call, so you know what i did?",chandler,what?
jade,i got a little drunk...and naked.,chandler,bob here.
jade,"oh, you know, the usual, teaching aerobics, partying way too much. oh, and in case you were wondering, those are my legs on the new james bond poster.",chandler,can you hold on a moment? i have another call.  i love her.
ross,i know.,chandler,im back.
jade,"so, are we gonna get together or what?",chandler,"um, absolutely. uh, how bout tomorrow afternoon? do you know uh, central perk in the village, say, five-ish?"
jade,"great, ill see you then.",chandler,ok. ok. having a phone has finally paid off.
ross,"even though you do do a good bob impression, im thinkin when she sees you tomorow, shes probably gonna realize, hey, youre not bob.",chandler,"im hoping that when bob doesnt show up, she will seek comfort in the open arms of the wry stranger at the next table."
ross,oh my god. you are pure evil.,chandler,"ok, pure evil, horny and alone. ive done this."
rachel,"hi, julie.",chandler,"ok, while ross is on the phone, everybody owes me 62 bucks for his birthday."
phoebe,"um, is, is there any chance that youre rounding up? you know, like from, like 20?",chandler,"hey, come on, we got the gift, the concert, and the cake."
joey,do we need a cake?,chandler,"look guys, i know its a little steep."
rachel,"yeah, whoosh!",chandler,but its ross.
joey,all right.,chandler,"ill see you guys later, i gotta go...do a thing."
ross,"ok, sweetheart, ill call you later tonight. whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey, youre not really gonna go through with this, are you?",chandler,"you know, i think i might just."
ross,im tellin you. you cant do this.,chandler,"oh, come on. i can never get a girl like that with conventional methods."
ross,"that doesnt matter. she wanted to call bob. hey, for all we know, bob is who she was meant to be with. you may be destroying two peoples chance for happiness.",chandler,"we dont know bob, ok? we know me. we like me. please let me be happy."
ross,go over there and tell that woman the truth.,chandler,all right.
ross,go.,chandler,hi.
jade,hi.,chandler,"listen, i have to, uh, um, i have to, i have to confess something."
jade,yes?,chandler,whoever stood you up is a jerk.
jade,how did you--?,chandler,"i dont know. i just had this weird sense. you know, but thats me. im weird and sensitive. tissue?"
jade,thanks.,chandler,"no, you keep the pack. im all cried out today."
joey,"what are these, like famous chickens?",chandler,"hey, sorry im late. congratulations, mon.  im not sorry im late. how incredible was my afternoon with jade?"
ross,"well, pretty incredible according to the message she left you on my machine. hey, chandler, why is this woman leaving a message for you on my machine?",chandler,"oh, see, i had to tell her that my number was your number, because i couldnt tell her that my number was my number because she thinks that my number is bobs number."
phoebe,"um, im gonna have a cup of the cucumber soup, and, um, take care.",chandler,"i will have the uh, cajun catfish."
waiter,anything else?,chandler,"yes, how bout a verse of killing me softly. youre gonna sneeze on my fish, arent you?"
phoebe,"no, huh uh, no way, im sorry, not gonna happen.",chandler,"whoa, whoa, prom night flashback."
joey,yeah.,chandler,you can tell us.
ross,i hear ya.,chandler,we can talk about that.
ross,thats a good point.,chandler,"so um, how come you guys havent talked about this before?"
ross,g-gift? the things not the gift?,chandler,"no, the thing was, we were gonna go see hootie and the blowfish."
monica,all of us.,chandler,together.
phoebe,yeah.,chandler,"so, the ebola virus. thats gotta suck, huh?"
ross,"but wait, theres more. hey, chandler, what is in the envelope?",chandler,"by the way, this didnt seem so dorky in the hall."
ross,come on.,chandler,"why, its six tickets to hootie and the blowfish! the blowfish!"
ross,"i dont, i dont understand. i mean, you, its like we cant win with you guys.",chandler,"if you guys feel this big, maybe thats not our fault. maybe thats just how you feel."
phoebe,"oh, well, then youll have extra seats, you know, for all your tiaras and stuff.",chandler,why did you look at me when you said that?
joey,fine.,chandler,fine.
ross,chandler!,chandler,yeah?
ross,geez! are you ready?,chandler,yeah. just let me grab my jacket and tell you i had sex today.
ross,whoa! you had sex today?,chandler,"wow, it sounds even cooler when somebody else says it. i was awesome, ok? she was biting her lip to stop from screaming."
ross,wow.,chandler,"now i know its been awhile, but i took it as a good sign."
ross,still doing the screening thing?,chandler,i had sex today. i never have to answer that phone again.
jade,"hey, bob, its jade. listen, i just wanted to tell you that i was really hurt when you didnt show up the other day, and just so you know, i ended up meeting a guy.",chandler,bob here.
jade,"oh, hi.",chandler,"so, uh, you met someone, huh?"
jade,"yes, yes, i did. in fact, i had sex with him 2 hours ago.",chandler,"so, uh, how was he?"
jade,eh.,chandler,eh?
jade,"oh, bob, he was nothing compared to you. i had to bite my lip to keep from screaming your name.",chandler,"well, that makes me feel so good."
ross,bumpy?,chandler,"well, maybe he had some kind of uh, new, cool style, that youre not familiar with. and uh maybe you have to get used to it."
ross,"yeah, i know, its my birthday. we all should be here.",chandler,"so, lets go."
ross,"well maybe, you know, maybe we should stay for one song.",chandler,"yeah, i mean, it would be rude to them for us to leave now."
ross,"excellent, that was excellent.",chandler,i cant believe the guys missed this.
ross,ross.,chandler,chandler.
ross,"uh, aside from that, the whole evening was pretty much a bust.",chandler,"yeah, we really missed you guys."
joey,you partied with hootie and the blowfish?,chandler,"yes, apparently stevie and the band are like this."
monica,its work.,chandler,i dont know what to say. im sorry that we make more money than you. but were not gonna feel guilty about it. we work really hard for it.
monica,"yeah, hi, its monica. i just got a page.",chandler,im just saying that sometimes we like to do stuff that costs a little more.
joey,and you feel like we hold you back.,chandler,yes.
rachel,oh!,chandler,no.
richard,"no it’s not too soon, i had lunch at a eleven.",chandler,"yeah, baby!"
ross,what are you doing?,chandler,making chocolate milk. do you want some?
rachel,"monica, what are you doing?",chandler,"well, she spent the last six months getting over him, and now she’s celebrating that by going on a date with him."
phoebe,"um, chandler, ross, this is robert.",chandler,"oh, hey."
ross,oh.,chandler,"so ah, isn’t a bit cold out for shorts?"
robert,"well, i’m from california.",chandler,"right, right. sometimes you guys just burst into flames."
ross,"yeah, make that three.",chandler,"okay ross, why don’t you come with me?"
ross,"okay.   what ah, what is the matter with you? what’s going on?",chandler,robert’s coming out.
ross,"what, what do you mean, what? is he gay?",chandler,no. he.....he’s coming out of his shorts.
ross,what?!,chandler,the man is showing brain.
ross,"no, no, that won’t be ah, that won’t be necessary",chandler,wellll?
ross,"yeah, yeah, yeah!",chandler,what do we do? what do we do?
ross,"well, i suppose we just try to not look directly at it.",chandler,like an eclipse.
joey,these little women. wow!,chandler,"your liking it, huh?"
joey,but jo’s got a crush on laurie.  oh. you mean it’s like a girl-girl thing? ‘cause that is the one thing missing from the shining.,chandler,"no, actually laurie’s a boy."
phoebe,hey!,chandler,hey.
phoebe,"oh, okay, i learned how to shoot a lay-up, a foul shot, and a twenty-three pointer.",chandler,you mean a three pointer?
phoebe,you guys!! come on!,chandler,"i’m sorry, i’m sorry, it just seems that robert isn’t as concealed in the shorts area, as ah, one may have hoped."
robert,oh! wow! hey!,chandler,"stretchy pants! why, those are the greatest things in the world! if i were you i would wear them every day, every day!"
joey,all right i’ll talk in code.  remember when the kid sees those two blanks in the hallway?,chandler,"hmmm, that’s very cool."
rachel,joey! i can’t believe you just did that!,chandler,i can’t believe she cracked your code!
joey,is that true? if i keep reading is beth gonna die?,chandler,"no, beth doesn’t die, she doesn’t die. does she rachel?"
phoebe,"please, right now, no, every time i see him it’s like ‘is it on the lose?’ ‘is it watching me?’",chandler,"we can’t tell him, you can’t go up to a guy you barely know and talk about his.... stuff."
ross,"hey, don’t we have to...",chandler,"yeah, we got, um-hmm."
joey,all right! here we go! 1999! the year of joey!,chandler,were very happy for you.
joey,whats the matter?!,chandler,"we wanted to kiss at midnight, but nobody else is going to so yknow…"
all,3! 2! 1! happy new year!!,chandler,happy new year!
ross,"just the one divorce in 99! yknow what, i am gonna be happy this year. i am gonna make myself happy.",chandler,"do you want us to leave the room, or?"
phoebe,ooh! thats a good one! mine is to pilot a commercial jet.,chandler,"thats good one too, pheebs. now all you have to do is find a planeload of people whos resolution is to plummet to their deaths."
ross,"in fact, ill bet you 50 bucks that you cant go the whole year without making fun of us. eh, yknow what, better yet? a week.",chandler,"ill take that bet my friend. and you know what, paying me the 50 bucks could be the new thing you do that day!  and it starts right now!"
ross,i just asked that girl out.,chandler,nice!
ross,yes it is. see.,chandler,elizabeth hornswoggle?
ross,"thats right, uh, elizabeth hornswoggle.",chandler,horn-swoggle.
joey,you all right chandler? is there something funny about that name?,chandler,"no. no, i just think that maybe i-id heard it somewhere before."
phoebe,"okay, lesson one: chords. now, i dont know the actual names of the chords but umm, i-i-i made up names for the way my hand looks while im doing them. (she",chandler,"what an interesting approach to guitar instruction. yknow some might find it amusing, i myself find it regular."
ben,auntie monica!!,chandler,ross is wearing leather pants! does nobody else see that ross is wearing leather pants?  someone comment on the pants!
monica,i like them a lot.,chandler,"thats not what i had in mind! see, people like ross dont generally wear these types of pants. you see, theyre very tight.  maybe theres something in that area."
ross,"oh see, i-i needed a new thing for today and theres this leather store that always smells so good and i thought to myself, wow,  i never really owned a good smelling pair of pants before.",chandler,oh come on!!
monica,i cant wait to be with you! ill sneak over as soon as ross picks up ben. ill just tell rachel im gonna be doing laundry for a couple of hours.,chandler,laundry. huh. is that my new nickname?
phoebe,no!,chandler,oh my god!
monica,"okay, now that everythings wrapped up here, i think im, im gonna go do my laundry.",chandler,"oh yeah, me too. yknow if this shirt is dirty.  yep."
phoebe,thats weird.  i bet theyre doing it. ending credits,chandler,"oh good, okay, i cant take it anymore. i cant take it anymore. so you win, okay? here!  pheebs? flying a jet? better make it a spaceship so that you can get back to your home planet! and ross, phone call for you today, tom jones, he wants his pants back! and hornswoggle? what are you dating a character from fraggile rock?!"
phoebe,"ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. ugly naked guy is decorating his tree. oh my god, you should see the size of his christmas balls.",chandler,"yeah, we were gonna give fifty, but if you guys gave more, we dont wanna look bad."
phoebe,"alright, so, what, hes not a famous tree surgeon? and then, i guess, ok, he doesnt live in a hut in burma where theres no phones?",chandler,"ya know i remember my father, all dressed up in the red suit, the big black boots, and the patent leather belt, sneakin around downstairs. he didnt want anybody to see him but hed be drunk so hed stumble, crash into something and wake everybody up."
grandmother,"he lives at 74 laurel drive in middletown. if you hit the dairy queen, youve gone too far. you can take my cab.",chandler,"hey, dont worry. i figure itll be 2 hours to phoebes dads house, theyll meet, theyll chat, theyll swap life stories, well still have plenty of time."
phoebe,hello!,chandler,ho! ho! ho!
phoebe,excuse me.,chandler,your pants!
phoebe,what?,chandler,santa pants.  santa claus’s pants.
monica,"hey, guys, what-what should i wear to a knicks game?",chandler,"uhh, a t-shirt that says, i don’t belong here."
joey,yeah!,chandler,yeah we do!
phoebe,boy! i didn’t see that coming!,chandler,are you serious?
monica,what do you say?,chandler,"forget it! okay, i’m not giving up my bachelor pad for some basketball seats!"
monica,have you even had a girl up here?,chandler,"no. but uh, joey has, and i usually talk to them in the morning time."
joey,come on!,chandler,"yes, gunther, can i get two cups of chino, please?"
joey,"come on, season tickets! season tickets, do you know what that means?",chandler,"forget it! okay, i’m not giving up the apartment."
joey,hey!,chandler,oh my god!
ross,"oh yeah, emily convinced me to do it.",chandler,you do know that wham broke up?
joey,"oh-no, don’t try and talk all normal with that thing in your ear.",chandler,where is emily?
ross,"ugh, she’s saying good-bye to her uncle.",chandler,"man, didn’t she like just get here?"
ross,yeah!! yeah!,chandler,easy tiger.
ross,"i just, i hate this so much! i mean, every time i go pick her up at the airport, it’s-it’s so great. but at the same time i’m thinking, well, i’m gonna be right back there in a couple of days, dropping her off.",chandler,so what are you going to do?
ross,i could ask her to live with me!,chandler,are you serious?
ross,"i mean, why not! i mean, i mean why not?!",chandler,"because you’ve only known her for six weeks! okay, i’ve got a carton of milk in my fridge i’ve had a longer relationship with!"
ross,"look guys, when i’m with her it’s-it’s-it’s like she brings this-this-this great side out of me. i mean i-i-i love her, y’know?",chandler,"and i love the milk! but, i’m not gonna some british girl to move in with me!  joey, you say things now."
ross,"yeah, no, you’re right, i know, you’re right, i’m not, i’m not gonna do it. all right, thanks guys.",chandler,"okay, no problem, just remember to wake us up before you go-go."
rachel,"or i’ll give them to my new boyfriend, joshua.",chandler,no thank you.
joey,"wait-wait-wait-wait!  come on! come on, let’s trade! the timing’s perfect, i just clogged the toilet!",chandler,"look, i want those basketball seats as much as you do! okay, but we can’t leave in the small apartment after we’ve lived here! didn’t you ever read flowers for algernon?"
joey,"yes! didn’t you ever read sports illustrated?! no! i didn’t read yours! but come on, we can go to the game tonight!",chandler,"look, the only way i will even consider this is if they offer a lot more than just season seats."
joey,it’s the knicks!,chandler,screw the knicks!
joey,whoa!,chandler,i didn’t mean that. i just meant that the apartment is worth so much more.
joey,huh.,chandler,and the knicks rule all.
phoebe,"hey, so? are you gonna do it?",chandler,"no. no. we’re not gonna do that, y’know why? because its not an even trade."
monica,"all right, so what do you say?",chandler,no!
monica,"oh, just do it!!",chandler,"op, op, i’m convinced!"
joey,"come on man, you know i’d do it for you! because, you’re my best friend.",chandler,"all right, but you can’t use that again for a whole year. i’m in."
joey,okay!,chandler,okay!
monica,"you wanna finish this right now? all right, we get a deck of cards, high card wins. what do you say?",chandler,"fine, let’s do it."
phoebe,"yeah! here!  oh no, these are the trick deck. okay. here yes. okay.",chandler,"okay, you guys uh, you guys pick first"
monica,okay.  four.,chandler,that’s a low one!
joey,okay. okay.  ace!,chandler,why are you screaming and hugging?
joey,"uh-huh, not as high as… it worked! king!",chandler,yeah baby!
monica,i don’t know!,chandler,tickets please!  that’s courtside baby!
joey,"seriously, good game though. good game.   what are they so mad about? they get the apartment back!",chandler,no they didn’t!
emily,it was.,chandler,those were like the best seats ever.
joey,"oh yeah. hey! should we give these shirts to the girls? y’know, kinda like a peace offering.",chandler,"oh yeah, that’s very nice. plus, y’know they were free and they’re too small."
joey,"hey, want a beer?  whoa!!!!",chandler,i know!!!
monica,"we’ll discuss it, in the morning!",chandler,what the hell is going on?!
phoebe,"i had nothing to do with it.  okay, it was my idea, but i don’t feel good about it.",chandler,"we are switching back, right now!"
monica,"no, we’re not! we’re not leaving!",chandler,"well, you’re gonna have to leave sometime, because you both have jobs, and as soon as you do, we’re switching it back! there’s nothing you can do to stop us! right, joe?"
joey,i don’t know.,chandler,what?
joey,i don’t want to move again!,chandler,"i don’t care, this is our apartment! and they stole—you stole it—our apartment, and we won that apartment fair and square, twice! and i am getting it back right now. i’m getting back right now!"
rachel,"all right. we figured you might respond this way, so we have a backup offer.",chandler,"oh no-no-no, no more offers. you can’t offer anything to us!"
monica,"as a thank you, rachel and i will kiss for one minute.",chandler,totally worth it!
joey,that was one good minute!,chandler,good night.
ross,come on! come on. come on.,chandler,okay!
rachel,"yeah, i-i heard.  i think it’s great!  ohh, i’m so happy for you!",chandler,"oh, well, that’s great!"
joey,no.  i was told the name of the movie would not appear on the bill!,chandler,hi! we’re checking out of the bridal suite.
monica,"that’s right. i’m no longer a bride. i’ll never be a bride again. now, i’m just someone’s wife!",chandler,"and i’m the happiest guy in the world!  oh honey, come on don’t be upset. we still have so much to look forward to!"
monica,"oh yeah, right.",chandler,we got the honeymoon.
monica,that’s not ‘til thursday.,chandler,the wedding pictures?
monica,they won’t be ready for weeks.,chandler,not the disposable cameras from the tables.
monica,that’s true!  i knew i married you for a reason!,chandler,"i’ll tell you what, i will go get them developed and you can go home."
monica,okay.,chandler,what? what did you take a picture of?
joey,nothing! it was something.,chandler,"okay ross has the cameras, has he checked out yet?"
rachel,are you joking? check out is not ‘til noon and he has a good  eleven minutes left.,chandler,oh.
rachel,"yeah, one time, when we were dating, uh we got a late checkout, he got so excited it was the best sex we ever had. until y’know, he screamed out radisson at the end.",chandler,"okay, well i’m gonna get ross, get the cameras, and get them developed.  32 joe. you’re 32!"
ross,hi.,chandler,hey.  soaps? shampoos? are you really taking all this stuff?
ross,why not? it’s built into the price of the room.,chandler,yeah but you don’t need——what is this?
ross,thread!,chandler,score! where are the disposable cameras?
ross,what disposable cameras?,chandler,the cameras? remember last night i told you to take them?
ross,no you didn’t.,chandler,"yes! remember? right before we cut the cake, i went up to you and i said…"
ross,"oh-oh yeah, you-you came up to me and asked if i could do you a favor, and my uncle murray came up to you and handed you a check. and then you said, why do they call it a check? why not a yugoslavian?  yeah, then you did that.",chandler,so you don’t have the cameras?!
ross,no. sorry man.,chandler,so? what? what? they’re gone! monica’s gonna freak!
ross,"well, i’m sure they’re still somewhere here in the hotel. i’ll-i’ll help you look for them.",chandler,great.
ross,chandler?,chandler,hey! did you find the cameras?
ross,no. did you?,chandler,yes! and that’s why i’m under the table. celebrating.
ross,"well i checked in the uh, lost and found, i talked to the manager, no-one’s turned them.",chandler,"well this is great. y’know, those cameras were the only thing that was gonna cheer monica up today, she’s really depressed."
ross,"now you guys just got married, why is she so depressed?",chandler,all my energy is going into not asking that question. i can’t believe i screwed this up!
ross,i’m sorry man.  here’s a thought. this is the same ballroom. there’s a band. there’s gonna be plenty of dressed up people.,chandler,are you suggesting we dance our troubles away?
ross,"no-no-no, i’m saying we-we buy more of this  at the gift shop, throw our tuxes back on, and take a few pictures. all we have to do is make sure not to get anybody else’s faces.",chandler,are you serious?
ross,i’m just thinking about your new bride at home. okay? do-do you really want to start your life together by letting her down?,chandler,marriage advice? really?!
ross,"i’m telling you, this looks exactly like your wedding! aren’t these the same flowers?",chandler,"i don’t know, monica picked out the flowers."
ross,what about the chairs?,chandler,she picked those out too.
ross,how about the place settings?,chandler,that was her.
ross,what did you do?,chandler,i was in charge of the cameras! gift shop?
monica,people have got to finish their stories!,chandler,"uh, excuse me? could you take a picture of us?"
man at the wedding,"uh, would you take one of us?",chandler,uhh… yeah sure.  click!
woman at the wedding,why won’t you take our picture?,chandler,"oh yeah. i’ll take, i’ll take your picture."
man at the wedding,"uh, your finger was covering the lens.",chandler,who are you? ansel adams?! get outta here!
tag,hey rach.,chandler,why don’t you go up on stage. i’ll get a picture of you doing the speech.
ross,well go! go move it!,chandler,"okay, you ready for the last picture?"
ross,yeah.,chandler,get ready to run. congratulations on your wedding.
joey,there you go!,chandler,we’re back!
monica,great! we’re hangin’ in the kitchen!  let’s stay in the kitchen!,chandler,it’s picture time.
ross,now you are going to love these.,chandler,"here’s a picture of ross.  and that’s me.  and that’s me and ross.  oh-ho, that is a picture of our first kiss as a married couple."
monica,wow! that is a great picture!,chandler,eh?
ross,"huh, didn’t see that coming.",chandler,"okay, so this isn’t a picture of our first, but it is a picture of my first kiss with…with this lady. which by the look on your face i’m sure you’ll remember. so we don’t need——there’s no need to have this picture. how about i take the real pictures and get them developed right now."
monica,that would be a good idea.,chandler,okay.  you opened all the presents without me?! i thought we were supposed to do that together!
monica,you kissed another woman!,chandler,call it even?!
joey,"hey, wouldnt be cool if our duck and chick had a little baby? we could call it chuck.",chandler,or... dick.
ross,"listen, i-i need a favor. umm, i was in the shower, and as i was cleansing myself, i ah, i-i, well i felt something.",chandler,was it like a sneeze only better?
chandler and joey,whoa!!!,chandler,no!!
ross,"come on you guys, its no big deal!",chandler,whoa-heeeiiiiii-iiiii-ah!!  huh.
ross,"well, eww. what? is it a pimple?",chandler,"no, its... fancier than a pimple. look ross, why dont you just go see a…"
rachel,hey guys! whats...,chandler,"okay, well, its definite, two more weeks of winter."
rachel,hi!,chandler,hey!
vince,"98 hot saves, highest in the force.",chandler,"well, yknow if joey and i played with matches we could get you up to an even hundred."
vince,"fire safety is not a joke, son.",chandler,"youre right, i know."
joey,well?!,chandler,"okay, howd it go at the doctors?"
ross,"he couldnt even tell me! he said it was just some sort of skin... abnormality. and the worst thing is he-he-he said, he said, without being able to identify it, he was reluctant to remove it.",chandler,"yknow what? you should go to my guy, because when i went in there with my third nipple. he just lopped it right off. yknow? so i guess im lucky. i mean not as lucky as people who were born with two nipples."
monica,"i gotta go water petes plants.  yknow what, if hes gonna break up with me, maybe i wont water his plants.",chandler,"well, if hes gonna break up with you, maybe joey and i should water his plants. if yknow what i mean."
phoebe,"yeah, but jasons really sensitive.",chandler,"well sensitive is important, pick him."
monica,"no-no-no, thats a video-phone. but hey guys youre not supposed to be here, so please, do not touch anything.",chandler,i-kea! this is comfortable.
monica,"okay. well, its good news. its good news.",chandler,"so, what do you thing the good news is?"
monica,"would you stop? we’ve only been going out a couple of weeks, i mean we don’t even know if he’s gonna propose.",chandler,"yes, but this is pete. okay? he’s not like other people, on your first date he took you to rome. for most guys that’s like a third or fourth date kinda thing."
phoebe,all right. i gotta go. i have break up with vince.,chandler,"oh, so you’re going with the teacher, huh?"
vince,"uh yeah, i can’t believe i ever went out with somebody who would actually have an open flame in the middle of a wooden area.",chandler,"everything’s gonna be all right. okay, dick?"
ross,"here, check it out. it’s the first one, too.",chandler,that is funny. it was also funny when i made it up.
ross,what?,chandler,i made that joke up.
ross,"uh, oh-oh, no you didn’t. i did.",chandler,"yes, i did. i told it to dan at work, and he said it was the funniest joke he’d ever heard."
rachel,"i’m sorry, i was just reading the joke below it. man, that one is funny.",chandler,"monica, you remember me telling you that joke, right?"
monica,no.,chandler,seriously?
ross,"look, chandler, it’s my joke. but, hey, if it makes you feel any better they don’t print the name, so it doesn’t really matter who gets credit, right?",chandler,"yeah, i guess."
joey,hey guys.,chandler,"hey, joey, playboy printed my joke."
ross,"no, it’s my joke, it’s mine. you can call them, they’ll tell you.",chandler,it’s my joke.
joey,"whoa-whoa-whoa. jokes? you guys know they have naked chicks in there, right?",chandler,"dude, you have got to turn on behind the music. the band heart is having a really tough time, and i think they may break up."
joey,let’s go watch it at your place.,chandler,"nah, monica’s watching some cooking show. come on, i don’t want to miss when they were skinny."
joey,"chandler, chandler, y’know what we should do? you and i should go out and get some new sunglasses.",chandler,"what? no, i want to watch this. . did your cable go out?"
joey,"no, that’s vh-1. i gotta tell you, the music these kids listen to today . . . it’s like a lotta noise to me. i don’t know…",chandler,"joey, why is your cable out?"
joey,"i uh, oh! because, uh, i haven’t really paid the bill",chandler,"if you need money, will you please-please just let me loan you some money?"
joey,"no, chandler. look, forget about it, okay? look, i know things have been a little tight since janine moved out. oh, was she hot.",chandler,whoa ho.
joey,"i know! yeah, but, look i can handle it. all right? look, i can listen to the radio, huh? and ross gave me this great book .",chandler,"all right, you want to see if the joke stealer will let us watch the show at his place?"
joey,sure.,chandler,paid your phone bill?
joey,you forget how many great songs heart had.,chandler,yeah.
ross,"you know, barracuda was the first song i learned to play on the keyboard.",chandler,"so, you heard it, you repeated it, so that must mean you wrote it."
ross,"what, you didn’t get it? the doctor is a monkey.",chandler,and monkeys can’t write out prescriptions.
ross,"your joke? well, i think ‘the hef’ would disagree, which is why he sent me a check for one hundred ah-dollars.",chandler,"so, you stole my joke, and you stole my money."
ross,"well, i was going to stick it in the atm, but now i think i’ll show the sexy teller that i am a published writer.",chandler,"well, she is going to know that you stole the joke."
ross,"oh, what are you going to do, follow me down there?",chandler,yeah!
ross,"well, i’m not going to go now anyway .",chandler,okay .
monica,"she picked rachel. i mean, she tried to back out of it, but it was obvious. she picked rachel.",chandler,"he took my joke, he took it."
monica,it’s wrong. you know what else is wrong? phoebe picking rachel.,chandler,"you know who else picked rachel? ross, and you know what else ross did? he stole my joke. you know what? i’m going to get a joke journal. y’know? and document the date and time of every single one of my jokes."
monica,that’s a good idea.,chandler,yeah!
monica,do you know what’s a bad idea?,chandler,picking rachel.
monica,that’s right.  did you hear something?,chandler,maybe it’s the sound of ross climbing into my brain and stealing my thoughts.
joey,"it’s kind of embarrassing, y’know. i mean, i was an actor and now i’m a waiter. it’s supposed to go in the other direction.",chandler,so is your apron. you’re wearing it like a cape.
joey,"see, now it’s weird again.",chandler,i think it’s great that you work here. you’re going to make
ross,it’s my joke.,chandler,it’s my joke.
ross,"y’know, i don’t think we’re going to settle this.",chandler,let’s have monica decide.
ross,yeah!,chandler,yeah!
ross,hey mon.,chandler,"mon, get out here!"
ross,monica!,chandler,"okay, okay. you have to help us decide whose joke this is."
monica,why do i have to decide?,chandler,because you’re the only one that can be fair.
ross,"yeah, but i’m your brother. we’re family. that’s the most important thing in the world.",chandler,"don’t try to sway her.   i’m your only chance to have a baby. okay, let’s go."
monica,"okay, chandler, you go first.",chandler,"okay, i thought of the joke two months ago at lunch with steve."
monica,"oh, wait, is he the guy i met at christmas?",chandler,can i finish my story?!
monica,continue.,chandler,"so steve said he had to go to the doctor. and steve’s doctor’s name is doctor muppy. so i said, ‘doctor monkey?’ and that is how the whole doctor monkey thing came up."
ross,"are you kidding? okay, look. i-i studied evolution. remember, evolution? monkey into man? plus, i’m a doctor, and i had a monkey. i’m doctor monkey!",chandler,i’m not arguing with that.
ross,it’s your joke.,chandler,is not.
monica,"hi, chandler. there you are.",chandler,"hi, oh hi."
monica,"hey, it’s phoebe and rachel. um, why don’t you tell them what you were telling me earlier about me not being high maintenance?",chandler,"monica is a self-sufficient, together lady.  being with her has been like being on a vacation. and what may be perceived as high maintenance is merely attention to detail and——generosity of spirit."
monica,"wait, wait, he came up with that himself. tell them, chandler.",chandler,i’m out of words. should i just say the whole thing again?
monica,"look, i am not high maintenance. i am not. chandler!",chandler,you’re a little high maintenance.
monica,ahhh! you are on my list.,chandler,"i’m sorry. you’re not easy-going, but you’re passionate, and that’s good. and when you get upset about the little things, i think that i’m pretty good about making you feel better about that. and that’s good too. so, they can say that you’re high maintenance, but it’s okay, because i like … maintaining you."
monica,i didn’t even tell him to say that. . all right you’re off my list.,chandler,i’m off the list.
phoebe,"y’know, suddenly i find you very attractive.",chandler,"hey, buddy boy, how’d the audition go?"
phoebe,"yeah, well, i kinda thought.",chandler,hey.
joey,i’m not answering that.,chandler,joey!  no way. i’m not answering that.
monica,"okay, great! bye.  so guess who’s coming to thanksgiving dinner?",chandler,sydney portier? hehheh.
monica,"i miss rachel.  no, my parents.",chandler,"oh! that’s great, they haven’t seen the place since i moved in!"
monica,"yeah, and y’know, if you could not mention to them that we live together, that would be great! , i was thinking we would eat around four.",chandler,why can’t i tell them that we live together?
monica,because they don’t know we’re dating.  do you think we should eat in the kitchen?,chandler,why haven’t you told them?!
monica,"um, well, i was going to, i-i-i really was. but um, then somewhere, just out of nowhere, i didn’t.",chandler,why haven’t you told them?! wouldn’t they be happy?!
monica,so! dinner in the kitchen around four! i’ll see you then.,chandler,why wouldn’t they be happy?
monica,"well, um, because mainly, um, they don’t like you. i’m sorry.",chandler,what? what? why?!
monica,"maybe because you used to be aloof, or that you’re really sarcastic, or that, y’know, you joke around all the time. or that you take off your clothes and throw them on the couch.",chandler,is this why they don’t like me or why you don’t like me?
monica,"look, i know that i should’ve told them. i know i shouldn’t care what they think. i’m sorry.",chandler,"y’know, it’ll be okay. it’ll be okay. because when they come over, i will be all charming, i will make them fall in love with me, and then we’ll tell ‘em."
monica,you really think that’ll work?,chandler,"hey, i can be pretty charming, babe, i won you over, didn’t i?"
monica,i don’t think you’ll ever get my parents that drunk!,chandler,"hey!  oh, good, ross! you’re parents like me, right?"
ross,"yes, of course they like you!",chandler,well monica just told me that they don’t.
ross,"yeah, they don’t like you.",chandler,do you know why?
ross,"i dunno, maybe it’s because you’re really sarcastic. or maybe it’s cause you uh-",chandler,well if people don’t know they shouldn’t just guess!
joey,"maybe i could give thanks for you shuttin’ up, eh?",chandler,maybe i could give thanks by taking my playstation over to my new apartment.
joey,well maybe i love ya’.,chandler,hey.
mrs. geller,"oh yes of course, hello chandler.",chandler,"mr. and mrs. geller, you look wonderful, it is great to have you hear, let us take off your coats!"
monica,"y’know dad, chandler is one of ross’s very best friends!",chandler,"yeah, ross sure is a great guy, y’know i’ve always felt that how a young man turns out is a reflection on his father."
mr. geller,"i always thought that too. tell me, what does your father do?",chandler,he’s the headliner of a gay burlesque show.
mrs. geller,"oh, thank you chandler! i just bought it.",chandler,"oh, yes. well it’s very beautiful. it’s cream-colored and"
mrs. geller,i think he’s stoned again.,chandler,what?
ross,"okay, i think i might know why my parents don’t like you.",chandler,you do? why?
ross,"okay, remember, we were young. hey, spring break, sophomore year, i got high in my bedroom and my parents walked in and smelled it and so i told them that you had gotten stoned and jumped out the window.",chandler,what?! why did you do that?
ross,"i don’t know, aheh, your’s was the first name that-that popped into my head, i’m i’m sorry. i-i didn’t think it would matter.",chandler,how could it not matter?!
ross,"how was i supposed to know we’d end up being friends after college, let alone you-you would be living with my sister?",chandler,what about all that “friends forever” stuff?
monica,mom and dad just sent me in here to find out if you were trying to get ross stoned!,chandler,your parents caught ross smoking pot in college and he blamed it on me!
monica,"ross, i can’t believe you’d do that!",chandler,"the reason we haven’t told them we’re together is because they hate me, okay? so will you fix this?"
joey,"oh and  okay, and uh if anyone needs help pretending to like it, i learned something in acting class, try uh, rubbing your stomach  or uh, or saying “mmm” and uh, oh oh! and smiling , okay?",chandler,"yeah, i’m not gonna pay for those acting classes anymore."
all,mmm.,chandler,"yeah, this is so good, that i’m gonna go enjoy it on the balcony so that i can enjoy the view whilst i enjoy my dessert."
rachel,"...so a bird just grabbed it, and then tried to fly away with it and, and then just dropped it on the street?",chandler,"yes, but if it’s any consolation, before the bird dropped it, he seemed to enjoy it."
mrs. geller,"chandler! you’ve been ross’s best friend all these years, stuck by him during the drug problems.  and now you’ve taken on monica as well. well, i don’t know what to say. you’re a wonderful human being.",chandler,thank you!
mr. geller,"no! thank you!  monica, and ross! i don’t know what i’m gonna do about the two of you!",chandler,i’ll talk to them!
monica,"really? wow, well then come on, i wanna show you how to fold the toilet paper into a point.",chandler,"hey, look joey, im just saying if you need something to hold you over, i can get you a job right here as an entry level processor."
jeannie,"oh, that sounds lovely. were gonna have to set that up. oh, i better get back. hope the baby feels better.",chandler,"well, im sure youll teach her a lesson when she steps off the dock onto nothing. hey mr. douglas."
mr. douglas,"uh, listen bing, i received your memo. so, were not gonna receive the systems report until next friday?",chandler,"its about cutting my people a little slack, ya know, for morale. look, if you wanna see some rough numbers, i can get them to you by wednesday."
joey,"becasue at first he thought it was joseph. but after he asked joseph about it, turns out it was you. anyway, i just thought you should know.",chandler,"alright, thats it. look joey, im sorry, i realize this is the role of a lifetime for ya, and if i could just fire joseph, i would, but unfortunately thats not possible so im gonna have to let both of you go."
joey,"oh yeah. well you cant fire joseph. you know why, cause hes not in your department.",chandler,"yeah, karen. im thinking about having an affair with her. oh, you know what? i just did."
phoebe,"oh! yeah, this is fun, couples night.",chandler,"yeah, i dont know why we hang out with married couples more often."
monica,"well, because every time we do, you make jokes about swinging and scare them away.",chandler,"you mean that portuguese couple? yeah, like you wouldnt have done it."
ross,"oh, well, er, i already ate, but sure...!  guess what happened at work today...",chandler,a dinosaur died a million years ago?
monica,uhm the... the ministry... of names... bureau...,chandler,you never did it!
monica,im sorry. its just the idea of being an official bing.,chandler,"hey! i will have you know that... aah, who am i kidding. lets call the kid geller and let bing die with me."
phoebe,"all right, lets see, call me mrs hannigan.",chandler,mrs hannigan?
joey,hey guys.,chandler,hey joe! weve got a couple of things weve got to check out at the new house. you want to come with us?
monica,"all right. i know youre not happy about us moving, but youre the only one who hasnt seen the house.",chandler,"yeah, come with us. youll see how close it is to the city."
joey,"you know what? you are my friends, i wanna be supportive, i will come with you. shotgun!",chandler,damn it.
phoebe,"wrong again! apparently you can change it to anything you want. so i thought, all right, heres an opportunity to be creative. so meet princess consuela banana hammock.",chandler,thats what we were gonna name the baby.
phoebe,"uhm, no. im gonna have my friends call me valerie.",chandler,"hey, howd the interview go?"
rachel,oh! its not good.,chandler,"you know, i always feel that way after an interview. ill bet it went better than you think."
rachel,"well, i didnt get the job at gucci and i got fired from ralph lauren.",chandler,that is a bad interview.
ross,"oh, i thought joey was here. five is good.  well, im gonna have a loogie in my coffee tomorrow.",chandler,ooh! israeli champagne. and its vanilla!
ross,...that center around work.,chandler,to ross! all : ross!
monica,thank you for letting us see the house again.,chandler,"and thank you for explaining to us what escrow means... ive already forgotten what you said, but thank you."
joey,"me too. yeah, this place is great. im so happy for you guys. although, you know, i hope you like fungus.",chandler,what?
joey,are you kiddin? i think i just saw a bat in the corner!,chandler,"when your head was hanging out the window, it didnt hit a mailbox, did it?"
monica,"oh, i love this street. the trees, the big front yards, the actual picket fences.",chandler,"man, those two dogs are going at it!"
joey,hey!,chandler,hey.
joey,"oh, just er... you know, looking around. but you know what? this house... is great.",chandler,really? what changed your mind?
joey,"oh well, the little girl who lives here made me feel a lot better about the whole thing.",chandler,"joey, there was a little girl who lived here, but she died like 30 years ago."
joey,what?,chandler,ha! im just messing with you.
joey,what? i get my own room?,chandler,you dont think wed buy a house and not have a joey room do you?
ross,that guy mark. from bloomingdales... she thinks hes just being nice to her. but i know he really wants to sleep with her.,chandler,its seven years ago.  my time machine works!
monica,"so what if he wants to sleep with her? i mean, shes single and hes cute.",chandler,excuse me?
monica,oh please! yesterday on the subway? you couldnt stop staring at that woman with the big breasts the whole time.,chandler,"for your information, i was staring at her baby. were about to be parents."
ross,should we send something?,chandler,how did the job stuff go?
rachel,he offered me one.,chandler,thats great!
ross,"hey! i just got uh, my teacher evaluations! check out what this one student wrote, i loved dr. geller’s class. mind blowing lectures! dr. geller, you are definitely the hottie of the paleontology department!",chandler,"ahh, hotties of the paleontology department, there’s a big selling calendar, eh?"
joey,"oh, ‘cause you can just match the evaluation to the exam with the same handwriting and boom, there’s your admirer.",chandler,a hot girl’s at stake and all of the sudden he’s rain man.
ross,"it’s a girl! anyway, it wou—it wouldn’t matter. okay? because i’m a teacher and she’s a student.",chandler,"oh, is that against the rules?"
ross,"no, but it is frowned upon.",chandler,i see.
joey,hey chandler! y’know that girl you went to college with who-who became a movie director?,chandler,"oh yeah, dana keystone. she was in my movement class."
joey,"oh well listen, anyway she’s directing the new al pacino movie. you gotta get me an audition!",chandler,"oh, i don’t know man. i haven’t talked to her in like ten years."
joey,"no-no-no, please-please chandler i-i-i would owe you so much!",chandler,"you do owe me so much. you owe me three thousand, four hundred…"
joey,"hey-hey dude, why are you changing the subject? why? will you make the call or what?",chandler,"oh okay, i’ll-i’ll try."
joey,"all right! thanks! you’re the best! now listen, the last day of auditions is thursday. okay? so i gotta get in there by thursday. okay? just remember thursday. thursday. can you remember thursday?",chandler,"yeah so, tuesday?"
joey,"thursday! look if you need help remembering think of like this, the third day. all right? monday, one day. tuesday, two day. wednesday, when? huh? what day? thursday! the third day! okay?!",chandler,thank you.
rachel,hey mon? i’m gonna check my messages.,chandler,you just thought of that in there?
monica,come on!,chandler,what are you smiling about? what is so funny?
phoebe,"oh, it’s bad. it’s really bad. the only thing in there that isn’t burned is an ass. which i do not remember buying!",chandler,how’s your room rach?
monica,"yes, they can stay with us.",chandler,have you figured out what started the fire mr. fireman?
rachel,"okay phoebe calm down, there’s no need to place blame. okay?  i warned her about those candles.",chandler,"god, it’s great to catch up! i can’t believe how long it’s been!"
joey,"chandler, is that…",chandler,oh that’s great! good for you.
joey,hey-hey listen…,chandler,"okay! so yeah, maybe we can get together umm…  can you hold for one second please?  what?!"
joey,"when you’re off the phone, do you wanna get a pizza?",chandler,"hi! i’m back.  yeah, that sounds great.  okay. well, we’ll do it then.  okay, bye-bye."
joey,"hey listen, so when’s-when’s my audition? i mean i know it’s thursday, but what time?",chandler,hi.
monica,hey!,chandler,we didn’t get to the audition. i’m gonna take her to coffee and then we’ll do it then.
monica,"wow! so, now you’re going on a date with this girl?",chandler,"honey, it is not a date! i haven’t talked to her in ten years! you can’t just call up somebody you haven’t talked to in ten years and ask them for a favor. there are rules, y’know? you gotta, you got to put in some time."
monica,"you’re right, i’m sorry. it’s not like you’re y’know, going out with an ex-girlfriend.",chandler,"no, we only went out once."
monica,you dated her!,chandler,not once!
joey,"hey, you wanna do joey a favor, maybe you go out with joey.",chandler,"oh that’s great, my friend joey’s in the movie business."
dana,y’know who i ran into from school? howie.,chandler,my friend’s name is joey.
dana,"apparently howie’s editing now. yeah, he-he-he calls me up and asks me if he can edit my new movie. can you believe that?! y’know i-i-i haven’t spoken to him in like ten years and he asks me for a favor!",chandler,"yeah, i’ve always hated that howie."
dana,"no, no how you doing? man, i mean not even a cup of coffee first!",chandler,the nerve huh?
dana,yeah!,chandler,refill?
monica,joey that is so sweet.,chandler,hey.
joey,"hey-hey-hey! so, how did it go with dana? any reason i should leave a block of time open say thursday?",chandler,i couldn’t do it.
joey,you couldn’t do it?!,chandler,"hey, relax i just need more time. we’re going to dinner tonight."
ross,going out with who?,chandler,"uh, dana keystone from college."
ross,oh yeah! wasn’t she uh…,chandler,"no, that was dana caplin."
joey,ah whatever!,chandler,great story again! the yarns that you weave! woo-hoo-hoo!
dana,"y’know uh, actually i-i-i should get going.",chandler,oh no-no-no! stay! stay! because you-you should you-you-you should stay!
dana,"wow. oh, i am really flattered, but i just i don’t feel that way about you.",chandler,"oh no-no-no, that’s not—no-no-no!"
dana,"i’m sorry chandler, y’know you are such a sweet guy and i, i don’t want to hurt you. oh, i wish there was something i can do to make you feel better.",chandler,no-no—really?!
dana,of course!,chandler,"well, it just hurts so bad. i uh…"
dana,"ohh, i’m sorry.",chandler,well maybe there is one thing you can do.
dana,what?! anything! anything!,chandler,"well, i umm, i mean this is just off the top of my head now, umm but i have this friend. this actor friend and he would kill me if he thought i was doing this umm, but umm would it be possible for him to get an audition for your movie say on thursday?"
dana,absolutely! but you-you would really feel better about me rejecting you if your actor friend can audition for my movie?,chandler,"well, the heart wants what it wants. i’ll see you later."
joey,"hey, here you go.",chandler,ni-hi-ice!
rachel,thanks!,chandler,"so, you busy thursday?"
joey,"oh, very funny. i don’t know if you remember, but my audition was supposed to be thursday.  you got me the audition?! let’s hug it up!",chandler,okay. okay.  what are you gonna do to me if you get the part?
phoebe,"okay. oh umm, chandler, monica is looking for you.",chandler,really?
phoebe,yeah she said something about crumbies.,chandler,no! no! no! i was so careful!
ross,let’s also get a hot plate!,chandler,hey!
joey,hey!,chandler,so?!
joey,so?,chandler,it’s thursday! how was the audition?!
joey,"wh? monday, one day. tuesday, two day. wednesday, when huh what? thurs— oh!",chandler,hey!
joey,hey!,chandler,hey-hey-hey. so what happened? a forest tick you off?
joey,no. yknow how we’re always saying we need a place for the mail.,chandler,yeah!
joey,"well, i started building one. but then i decided to take it to the next step.",chandler,you’re building a post office?
joey,"no, an entertainment unit, with a mail cubby built right in. it’s a one day job, max.",chandler,okay.  my word! those are snug.
rachel,"well, actually gunther sent me. you’re not allowed to have cups out here, it’s a thing.",chandler,does anyone else think david copperfield is cute?
monica,"no, but he told me, he thinks your a fox.",chandler,"all right, janice, likes him. in fact she likes him so much she put him on her freebie list."
joey,her what?,chandler,"well, we have a deal, where we each get to pick five celebrities that we can sleep with, and the other one can’t get mad."
monica,"so, chandler, who’s on your list?",chandler,"ah, kim basinger, cindy crawford, halle berry, yasmine bleeth, and ah, jessica rabbit."
rachel,"now, you do realize that she’s a cartoon, and way out of your league?",chandler,"i know, i know, i just always wondered if i could get her eyes to pop out of her head."
rachel,hardy boy.,chandler,peter parker.
ross,"well i-i-i, that kind of thing requires some serious thought. first, i’ll divide my perspective canidates into catergories....",chandler,what a geek!
phoebe,chandler.,chandler,hi.
frank,"hey, how do you guys get anything done?",chandler,"we don’t, really."
frank,"yeah, i was thinking that maybe we could go down to time square and pick up some ninja stars. and, oh, um, my friend larry, he wants me to take a picture of a hooker.",chandler,"you know, we don’t really take advantage of living in the city."
joey,"oh, i’m sorry. did i get ‘ya?",chandler,"no, you didn’t get me!! it’s an electric drill, you get me, you kill me!!"
joey,"calm down, do you want this unit or not?",chandler,i do not want this unit!!
joey,"well, you should’ve told me that before, i’m not a mind reader. hey, we’re out of beer. i’m going to monica’s.",chandler,fine!
ross,"yeah, it’s hard okay, i only have two spots left.",chandler,"all right, so who do you got it narrowed down to?"
ross,"okay, elizabeth hurely....",chandler,"oooh-hoo, very attractive, forgiving."
ross,susan sarandon.,chandler,"eh, yknow what, she’s to political, she probably wouldn’t let you do it, unless you donated four cans of food first."
ross,and!! isabella rosselini.,chandler,"ooh-hoo. very hot, very sexy. but ah, yknow she’s too international, yknow she’s never gonna be around."
rachel,so?,chandler,"so, you gotta play the odds, pick somebody who’s gonna be in the country like all the time."
phoebe,which you just gave up really quickly.,chandler,have you seen joey?
monica,what’s the matter?,chandler,"oh, just this!  y’know what it’s my fault really, because the couch is usually where we keep the varnish."
joey,"hey, does somebody wanna hand me one of those tiles.",chandler,what’s going on?
monica,he’s retiling my floor.,chandler,yo!! spackel boy! get up!
monica,"ah-ah-ah, now you started this, you will finish it.",chandler,he started mine first!
monica,it’s beautiful! it’s like the first bathroom floor there ever was.  whoa! are you going in there for?,chandler,"what, like a number?"
ross,hey!,chandler,hi! bye!
frank,"well, when i tell my friends about her she will be.",chandler,"okay, on three. one....two...."
joey,why don’t we just go on two.,chandler,why two?
joey,because it’s faster.,chandler,"yeah, i coulda counted to three like four times without all this ‘two’ talk."
ross,"heavy thing, not getting lighter!",chandler,"okay, one...two..."
all,all right!!,chandler,"oh, good job joe."
joey,"wow, it’s big!",chandler,"yeah-yeah, so big that it actually makes our doors look smaller!"
joey,"look it’s not that bad. so what, it blocks a little of your door, a little of my door.",chandler,"yeah, yknow what i got a better idea. how-how ‘bout it blocks none of mine door and a lot of yours?"
joey,yknow what?,chandler,umm?
joey,i bet ‘ya ya i could fit in there.,chandler,i’ve got five bucks says you can’t.
joey,"get out your checkbook, mister.",chandler,"oh, i think i have the cash."
joey,you are dogged man! i totally fit!,chandler,"yeah, you got me.  i’m out five big ones!  here you go."
monica,"come on, no peeking!",chandler,our eyes are closed and we’re about to cross the street. very good.
monica,oh.,chandler,"hey, you guys! hey, ross, quick question for ya. are you ready to party?"
ross,"i don’t know, i could maybe go out for a couple of beers, but there’s this thing about bumblebees on the discovery channel that i was planning to watch.",chandler,"no-no, i don’t think you heard me. are you ready to party?!"
ross,nooo!! gandolf?! gandolf is coming to town?,chandler,"kathy’s with her parents, i have nothing to do, so tomorrow we are partying with gandolf dude!"
ross,"mike gandolf ganderson, only like the funest guy in the world.",chandler,i’m gonna call and get off work tomorrow!
ross,i’m gonna call after you!,chandler,"this is gonna be soo cool, dude, we never party anymore!"
joanna,"kidding! god, i feel wild today!",chandler,oh man! i am so excited—i may vomit!
joey,"will you calm down, he’s just a human guy.",chandler,"look you don’t understand, gandolf is amazing. y’know you’re never know what’s gonna end up happening, you go out for a couple of beers and end up on a fishing boat to nova scotia!"
joey,really?!,chandler,"oh yeah, it’s beautiful country up there."
ross,"hey! okay! i got my passport, fresh socks, and a snake bite kit!",chandler,it’s not gonna be exactly like last time.
chandler and ross,whoa-whoa-whoa!,chandler,whoa-wh-wh-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!
joey,okay.,chandler,"hello.   it’s gandolf!!!  so, are you in town?   oh, well, well maybe next time then."
ross,what happened?,chandler,"he’s not gonna make it, he’s stuck in chicago."
ross,"ohh, man! chicago, is sooo lucky!",chandler,"stupid, useless canadian money!"
ross,no! i balanced my checkbook.,chandler,"yeah, and i-i gave first names to all of the foosball players."
joey,so what if he didn’t come! we can still go out and party ourselves!,chandler,"oh-no, y’know with gandolf we’d be out all night!"
joey,yeah! all right? let’s go!,chandler,and may-maybe we could end up on a boat again?
joey and ross,yeah!!!,chandler,all right!!
ross,"hey-hey-hey, when uh, when were we on a boat?",chandler,"remember that really cold morning, you woke up and those dogs were licking your face?"
ross,yeah.,chandler,"well, those were seals, man."
joey,"all right, so we’ll get a little coffee, and get energized, and we’ll head back out.",chandler,"yeah, all right."
ross,i’m kinda beat.,chandler,"actually, me too."
ross,"yeah, me too.",chandler,"actually, can i get some hot water with a little lemon? i think i strained my voice screaming in there. does it have to be so loud?"
joey,"yeah, i know.",chandler,"y’know what? we’re not sad, we’re not sad, we’re just not 21 anymore. y’know? i’m 29 years old, damnit! and i want to sit in a comfortable chair, and watch television and go to bed at a reasonable hour!"
monica,"see? that’s what i mean. i mean that, that’s great! but i wouldn’t trade in what i have for that. i mean i’m gonna be with chandler for the rest of my life, and that’s what makes me happy.  hey sweetie, come here! come sit down. hey phoebe and i were just talking about how our relationship is deep and meaningful. it really is don’t you think?",chandler,oh totally!  pull my finger.
monica,"honey, as we get closer to the wedding, is there anything that you would like to talk about or share?",chandler,"okay. well, i think the centerpieces are too big"
monica,you’re wrong! the centerpieces are fine! do you ever get scared at all?,chandler,kinda. they’re really big.
monica,doesn’t it ever just freak you out that-that you’re never gonna be with anybody new again?,chandler,what?
monica,"just, i love you so much. just…it’s just sometimes it bothers me that i’m never gonna have that feeling. y’know when you meet someone for the first time and it’s new and exciting? y’know that rush?",chandler,"no. no, see when i first meet somebody it’s uh it’s mostly panic, anxiety, and a great deal of sweating."
monica,"okay, but all right you’re a guy, does it not freak you that you’re never gonna sleep with anybody else?",chandler,"sleeping with somebody new, anxiety, panic, and i’m afraid even more sweating."
monica,even with me?,chandler,"i was dangerously dehydrated during the first six months of our relationship.  look, for me the rush is knowing that we are gonna be together for the rest of our lives."
monica,really?,chandler,"well yeah! but now that i know that you’re having these thoughts, i’m back to panic, anxiety, and uh i’m definitely gonna need some kind of sports drink."
monica,"come here! come here!  sweetie you don’t have to worry. no, besides y’know what? i’m gonna have a lot of new things with you. the first time we buy a house. our first kid. our first grandkid…",chandler,water! water! water!
phoebe,"please, don’t play the music. just uh one more. live from new york! it’s saturday night!!",chandler,"do you think that there’s a town in missouri or some place called sample? and ah, as you’re driving into town there’s-there’s like a sign, and it says “you’re in sample.”"
joey,"and it’s not fake, it’s totally brutal.",chandler,"yeah, it’s two guys in a ring, and the rules are: “they’re are no rules.”"
doug,"so thanks for the warm welcome. it’s good to have you guys on my team, and i come to play. i hope you do too. now, let’s go out there and get ‘em! huh? and remember, there is no ‘i’ in team.",chandler,"yes, but there’s two in martini, soo everybody back to my office."
doug,you! chuckles! what’s your name?,chandler,"oh it’s bing, sir. i’m sorry , i was just ah..."
rachel,yes!!,chandler,"all right buddy, way to go!"
ross,"dude, what are you doing?",chandler,"thank you! today, my boss keep slapping my butt and he was acting like it was no big deal."
phoebe,"yeesh, what’d you do about it?",chandler,"well, i didn’t do anything. i didn’t want to be the guy who has a problem with his boss slapping his bottom."
rachel,"yknow i don’t, i don’t understand guys, i mean i-i would never congratulate monica on a great stew by yknow, grabbin’ her boob.",chandler,"yeah, i know, for a really great stew you just yknow, stick your head in between ‘em."
joey,"yeah, or you can teach him a lesson. yknow? what you could do is you could rub something that really smells on your butt, all right? then, when he goes to smack ya, his hand will smell.  now what could you rub on your butt that would smell bad?",chandler,what if joey were president?
doug,"bing!  read your computech proposal, a real homerun.  ooh. barely got ya that time, get over here. come on.  wham!  good one. that was a good one.  keep at it team.",chandler,what is with him?
stevens,we never get smacked.,chandler,"well, that’s not true, he-he smacked you once."
doug,dartmouth? who went to dartmouth? dartmouth sucks. did you go to dartmouth bing?,chandler,no sir.
phoebe,"okay, i hear you! are you capable of talking about any thing else?",chandler,hey! which one’s my turkey burger?
ross,"okay, we’ll be right in.  so ah, did your boss try to slap you again today?",chandler,"nine times! okay, i had to put on lotion! but, it’s gonna be okay, because as of tomorrow i’m conducting an experiment, and if all goes as planned, my butt will be smack free."
joey,fight’s over!,chandler,"excuse me, doug?  hey there sports fan!!"
doug,bing! you got those numbers for me?,chandler,"no, i ah, i didn’t do them."
doug,"oh, you forgot?",chandler,"no, no i just ah, didn’t do them. instead, i ah, hung out with a couple of friends and had a couple of beers so i certainly don’t deserve any praise, verbal or otherwise."
doug,"well, i got tanked myself last night. pretty dicey drive home, tapanzi bridge never looked smaller.  that’s okay, you’re still my number one guy!  bing!",chandler,doug!!
doug,hmm.,chandler,i’m a little bit uncomfortable with the that way you express yourself.
doug,"oh, is it the swearing? i mean is it the constant swearing? because i gotta tell ya, if it is, you can just... kiss my ass!",chandler,"no, no. it-it’s not about the swearing, it’s more about ah, the way, that you ah, occasionally, concentrate, your enthusiasm on my buttock."
doug,oh?,chandler,"oh, and don’t get me wrong, i appreciate the sentiment. it’s just that i, i have a rather, sensitive posterior, and ah, besides, it’s making all the other guys jealous."
doug,"well, say no more. yknow it takes guts to bring this up. bing! you’re okay.",chandler,okay.
doug,ha! ahhhhhhh!,chandler,ahhhhh!
happy. great job team! tomorrow at 8,"30.  phil! nice job.  stevens! way to go!  joel-burg, you maniac! i love ya!   bing! good job, couldn’t have done it without ya.",chandler,"thank you, sir."
doug,"of course, you did. forgot something else too ya bastard!   well, what about you? you’re not feeling left out or anything are ya?",chandler,"no. no, not at all, that’s-that’s ridiculous."
doug,"everybody else got one, and you want one too. don’t you?",chandler,"ye-ye-yeah, yes i do!"
tv announcer,"pete becker is circling the ring now. it looks like, he’s just trying to feel him out. oh, bruiser is just...",chandler,"run! run you crazy, rich freak!"
doug,bing! ho! and the bing-ette!,chandler,"honey, you remember my boss doug right?"
doug,"hi. so good news, the divorce is final. i signed the papers this a.m.",chandler,"i didn’t know you and carol were getting divorced, i’m"
monica,"okay, i’ll see you tomorrow!  just so you know,",chandler,no.
monica,that’s because he wasn’t invited because of the way he behaved,chandler,"oh yeah. boy, urine cuts right through an ice sculpture"
doug,"bing! we’re all set for tonight, 8 o’clock.",chandler,"oh uh, as it turns out, we can’t do it. monica has to work."
doug,"oh, my ex-wife didn’t work, unless you call turning into her mother",chandler,oh uh well tomorrow’s no good for her either.
doug,oh? why not?,chandler,it’s the semi-finals…of her…botchy ball tournament.
doug,"what’s going on bing? does uh, your wife have a problem with me or",chandler,well now-now you’re just talking crazy.
doug,so why can’t the three of us go out together?,chandler,because uh…we-we…we split up. monica and i split up. hold
doug,"good god bing i…well i can’t say i’m altogether surprised,",chandler,y’know what would really help me through this tough time is
doug,"bing my boy, we’re gonna get you over this. now here’s the plan,",chandler,"oh no-no-no, monica would freak.  but to hell with"
doug,"oh bing, look at those twin sisters dancing together. let me buy you a lap",chandler,"oh that’s all right sir, and that’s just one girl."
doug,bing—what’s this?!,chandler,it’s a hand. it’s a thing you use as a jack and coke
doug,"no, it’s a wedding ring. you gotta get rid of it. we’re gonna go",chandler,oh no-no-no!
mona,ohh!  and i love spending time with you. (ross isn’t,chandler,hi honey i’m home.
monica,from the tequila factory?,chandler,it was awful. to get out of going to dinner with doug i told him that
monica,come here. i can breath through my mouth.,chandler,y’know what the worse part was? i got to see what my life would
monica,"i promise. hey, speaking of together, how about we send out a holiday",chandler,"ooh, i don’t know if we’re there yet."
ross,hey guys!,chandler,hey.
ross,"all right, here’s the ring.",chandler,"yes! yes! a thousand times, yes!"
joey,"whoa-whoa-whoa! before you start handing out wedding rings and planning bachelor parties, don’t you have to decide who your best man is gonna be?",chandler,"oh, it’s awkward. it’s awkward. it’s awkward."
joey,"come on ross! look, i-i don’t have any brothers; i’ll never get to be a best man!",chandler,you can be the best man when i get married.
ross,"wait-wait, so, you get to be my best man twice and i never get to be yours at all?",chandler,"oh no-no-no, you—yeah, of course you get to be my best man."
joey,what about me?! you-you just said i could!,chandler,"i’m not even getting married! okay, this is a question for science fiction writers!"
ross,"hey, how can it not be me?!heyhey!",chandler,i’m not even… i’m not even…
joey,okay! we’ll need a six-pack of zima.,chandler,"hey guys, what are you doing?"
ross,"oh, just planning my bachelor party with my best man.",chandler,"yeah, well, good luck trying to top the last one."
ross,"yeah, see, i don’t think it’s gonna that difficult considering this one won’t be taking place in the basement of a pizza hut.",chandler,"oh, i’m ross. i’m ross. i’m too good for the hut; i’m too good for the hut."
ross,"okay, see ya later.",chandler,see ya. have fun planning your mellow bachelor party.
joey,"well, there’s gonna be strippers there. he didn’t say anything about no strippers.",chandler,"he just said, no strippers."
ross,good call!,chandler,"okay, a little announcement, a little announcement. i’ve decided that my best man is, my best friend gunther!"
gunther,what’s my last name?,chandler,central perk?
joey,oh-oh!,chandler,"okay, okay, a little announcement, i just want everyone to know that the position of my best man is still open! and uh,  so is the position of the bride."
joey,"the stripper stole the ring!! the stripper stole the ring!! chandler! chandler, get up! get up! the stripper stole the ring!",chandler,what?
joey,the ring is gone!,chandler,"ugh. just a sec, give me a minute to wake up for this—ah-ha-ha!! you lost the ring! you’re the worst best man ever!"
joey,"dude, this isn’t funny! what am i gonna do?! i go to bed last night, everything’s cool! i wake up this morning, the stripper’s gone and the ring is gone!",chandler,you slept with the stripper?
ross,hey guys!,chandler,hey!
ross,"that ring? when my grandmother first came to this country, that ring and the clothes on her back were all she had with her.",chandler,"so you might say, the ring is irreplaceable?"
ross,"oh absolutely! it has been in my family for generations, and every bride who has worn it has had a long and happy life.",chandler,"so you might say, it’s a magic ring."
ross,my-my ring? my-my wedding ring? the-the stripper stole my wedding ring?! h-how?! how could this all happen?!,chandler,"well, i think it all started when you said, hey joey, why don’t you be my best man."
joey,"look ross, i am so-so sorry. i-i-i…",chandler,"well, what if we just ah, called her, used a fake name, and had her come to my office?"
the stripper,did anybody call for security?,chandler,you be cool.
ross,where’s my ring? my dead grandmother’s wedding ring? where is it? where is it?,chandler,"way to be cool, man."
the stripper,"okay, who are you? the hardy boys? look, i don’t need to steal some stupid ring, all right? i make $1,600 a week doing what i do; any of you guys make that?",chandler,marry me.
joey,so! things can go wrong! you don’t know! what if he doesn’t make it?!,chandler,"he will, joe."
joey,"no, it’s not. i mean you-you made me your best man and i totally let you down!",chandler,"hey, come on, it’s not your fault."
joey,"yeah, it is! you wouldn’t have lost the ring, right? y’know what, ross you were right from the start, he  should be your best man.",chandler,"no, you should."
ross,"hey! hey! hey! i get to choose my best man, and i want both you guys.",chandler,really?
ross,"hey, both you guys should be up there with me. i mean, you two are-are my… i mean, i’m lucky to have just one good…",chandler,thanks man.
joey,i gotta go check something over here.,chandler,what a baby.