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3 Ways to Shift from Blame to Love

14 May, 2019 | Posted by Tara Brach

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3 Ways to Shift from Blame to Love
Evolution has rigged all of us with a negativity bias—a survival-driven habit to scan for what's wrong and to fixate on it. In contemporary society, a pervasive target is our own sense of unworthiness. We habitually fixate on how we're falling short—in our relationships, work, appearance, mood, and behaviors. And while self-aversion is our primary reflex, we also fixate on the faults of others, how other people are letting us down, how they are wrong or bad and should be different. Whether we are focusing inwardly or outwardly, we are creating an enemy, and imprisoning ourselves in the sense of a separate, threatened self.
While the negativity bias is a key part of our survival apparatus, when it dominates our daily life, we lose access to the more recently evolved parts of our brain that contribute to feelings of connection, empathy, and wellbeing. What helps us to de-condition the negativity bias? How do we shift from limbic reactivity to "attend and befriend"? Here are three ways that help us awaken our full potential for natural presence and caring.

Look to Vulnerability

When we're blaming ourselves, we can ask, "What's really going on underneath this? What has driven me to behave in this way?"
Perhaps you'll see you were afraid to fall short, and that fear made you act exactly how you didn't want to act. Or maybe you see you really wanted approval because you were feeling insecure, and so you ended up in some way betraying yourself and not acting with integrity. When you begin to understand that you are really hurting in some way, you will naturally open out of blame and into self-compassion.

Actively Express Compassion

If you're working with compassion for others, then it's powerful and healing to communicate your recognition of their suffering, and your care.
We all know that when we are with somebody we love, if we actually say the words "I love you" out loud, it brings the love to a new level.

Include Those Who Seem Different

While our brain has a flight, fight, or freeze response, it also has a compassion network that includes mirror neurons that allow us to register what it's like for other people.
In the same way as we train on the meditation cushion, we can train in conscious communication with one another, and gradually widen our circles to connect with those who may be more notably of difference. There are many effective practices, like Insight Dialogue, Non-Violent Communication, and circles of reconciliation that offer a formal structure for communicating. Importantly, we need to practice in our close relationships. A couple of times a week, my husband and I will meditate together and then we'll have a period of silence where we reflect on certain inquires, like "What are you grateful for right now?" and "What is difficult for you right now?" We also ask, "Is there anything between us that is getting in the way of an open and loving flow?" The other person listens with a kind, accepting presence, and we each get to name what we're experiencing. Whatever practice you choose, you can trust it's important healing work, especially in these times.
What about those people who aren't willing to engage in conversation with us? Fortunately, our capacity to feel connection doesn't hinge upon their capacity to connect with us. Of course, it's easier to feel connected when there's mutuality, but we can still offer kindness from our hearts regardless, and research shows that this kind attention wakes up the part of our brain that feels compassion. It's possible to do this in every situation, with every person we meet.
I have a very simple morning prayer: "Teach me about kindness."

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