A little while ago, Peggy Drexler wrote a piece about parental praise discouraging self-esteem in kids for Psychology Today (later republished to a storm of controversy by The Huffington Post). Dr Drexler's piece stayed with me for a long time after reading it. At first because I knew I was an 'over praiser' but didn't think there was anything wrong with that and later because I had changed my mind. I think there is something wrong with that.

Over-praising kids is so easy to do. We are proud when our kids do the right thing, no matter how expected that thing should be. Many of us grew up in a more authoritarian parenting era that believed that praising your kids was just asking for trouble: kids who were too big for their own boots. Everyone became far more into praise in the early 80s when the 'self-esteem movement' that sprang up in the 70s became the buzz word and building it the main preoccupation of parents everywhere. Back then, praise was seen as the number one way to build up a child's sense of self worth.

While my own upbringing was authorative and fair (with praise was given "where due"), I'm also a product of the prevalent modern parenting style which is more indulgent. Saying "well done, that's great" ten times a day is almost as automatic to me as saying please and thank you. (Just quietly, I don't think 'well done' is going to be a problem for my children...)

It's the 'automatic response' bit that has got parenting experts in a dither. When we send out 'empty' praise, we are falsely raising our children's self-esteem - building their sense of themselves on shaky ground with no foundation. They are not fooled by us trying to convince them how awesome they are by praising their every small achievement. Praise is not supposed to be 'automatic', it's supposed to be sincere, specific and only applied to the things kids have control over or that are difficult for them. So you can see why there needs to rules around this whole praise thing.

Praising your kid for walking is probably not a good thing, praising them for trying to walk just might be. Dolling out praise for every small thing they do in a day means your praise becomes insincere and less believable as they get older. The last thing you want your words of encouragement and pride to become is white noise, a sort of background soundtrack to the life they are trying to get on with.

Research shows that the biggest hurdle for our new praise culture is in education. The less-praise people suggest that it's not about being 'clever', it's about 'trying hard' no matter how clever you are. Steven Grosz, a leading psychoanalyst, wrote a chapter about the detrimental nature of praise in his book, "The Examined Life". In it he cites a study by psychologists Carol Dweck and Claudia Mueller who found that children praised for being 'clever' for doing a series of maths problems stressed more and tackled less difficult problems than a group praised for 'trying hard'.  Even more tellingly, the 'smart' kids did less well in the tests than the 'trying' kids and, worse still, some were prepared to lie about their results in order to keep their 'smart' title in place. Their whole sense of self-worth was tied up in being smart and they were prepared to protect that reputation no matter what.

After reading up about this topic for many months, I'm making a conscious effort to praise my children less. It's hard going from being a serial over-praiser to a parent that simply steps back and observes and listens, but I'm working on it. I am still every bit the encouraging, doting, little-bit-too-smitten mum that I always was, I'm just more careful about how I let my children know how much I value them. I'm trying to build their sense of self-worth - encouraging them for being things like kind, hard working, enthusiastic and friendly rather than praising them for doing things.

So, if not praise, then what?

Remember that praise is still a good thing. Keep the praise going for sincerely good efforts and achievements or for when your child goes the extra mile. Not for getting out of bed in the morning, but maybe for making the bed (and definitely for making your bed - "that was really thoughtful of you to make my bed").

Use the power of listening instead. How many times has your child brought you another piece of artwork for perusal and you've said, "that's so fantastic, you are such a good artist" and popped the artwork on the fridge. Next time, take the time to talk to your child about their art, asking them why they chose a certain colour or design. You can end the conversation with something like, "it makes me happy to see you enjoy art so much."

Grosz also encourages us to rethink what we mean when we say, "I just want my child to be happy." What does 'happy' really mean? Does it mean successful? Does it mean the best marks at school and a university degree? Talk to your child about what really makes them happy and remember to always encourage their dreams. Maybe not by saying "great idea, you're going to make a great doctor / hairdresser, honey!" but rather by saying, "what do we need to do to help you become the doctor / hairdresser you want to be?"

Are you a serial over-praiser too?


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