Playing Position around Homework

When two players on the same team both “go for the ball,” one of them is often “out of position.” When a parent says, “We had a little trouble with our homework last night,” someone is out of position. Whose homework is it? We want our children to take responsibility for their own homework, right?  It’s the student’s homework, and the student is accountable to the teacher for it. If a parent is called in to help, it should be clear that he or she is playing a supporting role.

So, yes, for a parent to take responsibility to make sure homework is done well is short-sighted, but sometimes simply playing position is hard. Sometimes homework is a battlefield or seems to interfere with the kind of relationships we want to have with our kids. How is it for you?

Bill tells this story:

My son has been very needy of me in doing his homework.  Although there was a component of just wanting the attention, he clearly had some paralysis akin to writer’s block.  So while thinking to myself “he really needs to learn to do this himself” I didn’t want to just let him flounder, and would dutifully help him.  My suggestions included: list, organize, prioritize, elaborate, exemplify, add imagery, opine, conclude, etc.  These sessions would produce reasonably good work, but not without pushing, resistance and the associated high drama.

At some point very recently, there was a shift that I can’t exactly explain.  We were working on an assignment and Josh said, “Daddy, I’m not going to do that.  You make it too hard, go away, I’ll do this myself!  With a feigned little expression of rejection, I went away really feeling elated that the mission was accomplished; that he had taken ownership rather than learn how his father would do the homework.

I had been worrying that I was enabling his neediness too long.  In retrospect, I know I did something right, though I’m not exactly sure of the mechanism that played out.  I guess it was my mindset that he would eventually do it himself that influenced my actions and facilitating the desired result.

Is homework a struggle in your house? If not, what’s your secret?



7 thoughts on “Playing Position around Homework






  2. I agree that it’s all about opening up a discussion about responsibility and the consequences of not following through. Parents can share personal experiences about their own challenges of getting things done, but they also need to carry it through with their actions.

    That goes for homework as well as household chores and other obligations. If parents expect children to do their work, let them know they have confidence in their ability to get it done, and explain how they’re only hurting themselves by not completing it to the best of their ability, children will have an easier time understanding the importance and value of a strong work ethic.

    Of course, if the work is genuinely too difficult, or a child needs help in a specific subject, a conversation with the teacher is certainly in order. Sometimes, a student can attend extra help, or may need a tutor. So, if the effort is there, but frustration has really set in, a little help would probably go a lot further than any power struggle.

  3. Math is a great work, not only in the sense of numbers but there is much more working out here. It’s character. This is a fabulous breakthrough that your son made to take ownership of his own education. The only way any of us learn is when we self-teach. We can listen to others, go to classes, hear lectures but when it comes down to what soaks in and what we retain it all depends on what we decided to learn or self-taught. When a child learns how to be a self-educator and accepts responsibility for his own education he will be limitless all his lifelong. No matter where he is, what he is doing, what the circumstances, he will always be able to learn what he needs to in order to adapt to fulfilling his greatness.

    The best that we can do is love them through it rather than fight them about it. Embrace their genius!

  4. Each of my children required varying degrees of homework involvement….from none…to checking it’s done…to lots. My approach has always been support with the goal of creating an independent student. As long as we are making progress I feel we are in the right position. Children with learning disabilities benefit from parents that offer solution oriented support always leaning in the direction of empowering the child for next time. The more they know about the game…the quicker they will be in the right position… Love your approach Rick.

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