So to Speak

Joe Blundo commentary: New study discloses the poop on canines

My favorite story of the year so far: A two-year study has determined that dogs tend to align themselves with the north-south axis of the Earth’s magnetic field when they poop.

I don’t know which delights me more: the idea that dogs poop directionally or that a team of scientists spent two years watching them squat to figure it out.

Either way, the discovery just enhances the entertainment value of dogs — which are governed by a host of amusing canine instincts but fail to realize it. They think they are human and remain oblivious to the fact that their habits disprove the idea on a regular basis.

Dogs are like tourists who imagine they’re coolly blending into a foreign culture, all the while being outrageously conspicuous and out of step with conventional behavior.

Somehow, that just makes them all the more lovable.

The magnetic-field thing was determined by German and Czech researchers who spent two years observing dogs doing their business off leash in open fields where buildings or trees wouldn’t influence their choice of positions. They found a solid preference for a north-south alignment when the magnetic field was calm.

The field isn’t always calm (for reasons I won’t pretend to understand), so the alignment isn’t invariably north-south.

Still, if I ever venture into uncharted wilderness, I might carry a teacup poodle in my backpack. It would be like having a somewhat-reliable compass that licks you.

The news on canine directional pooping was followed swiftly by another interesting dog story: A Swedish design team is perfecting a dog headset that can read canine brain waves and translate them into simple human phrases that can be announced over a small speaker.

The idea of businesslike schnauzers trotting the streets in headsets, like miniature Urban Meyers, sounds funny. I’m less enthusiastic, however, about hearing their thoughts.

For one thing, we already know that 90 percent of what dogs think is some variation of “Please, please, please, can I have some of that?”

For another, if dogs overcame the language barrier, they could become too savvy about how to mimic human behavior. Soon, they’d stop drinking from the toilet or turning three times before lying down. When you came home from work, they’d give you a perfunctory tail wag and go right back to watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

The very thing that makes dogs so charmingly goofy would be compromised. It’s enough for me to know that they’re driven to poop in one direction. I don’t need them to tell me why.

Joe Blundo is a Dispatch columnist.