Traffic cone

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“ Me and them go way back.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Traffic Cones
Traffic Cone
Scientific Classification
Kingdom: Constructa
Division: Erectophyta
Class: Megalopsida
Order: Pillarformeales
Family: Naranjeae
Genus: Ampulla
Ampulla conus traficus

Ampulla conus icedcreamicus

The traffic cone (Ampulla conus traficus) is the adolescent stage of the orange construction barrel, a fruiting plant that has become common in industrialized societies due to unique adaptations that allow it to thrive in the harsh conditions created by urbanization. The proliferation of roads in urban areas creates an inevitable build-up of decaying road material, the orange construction barrel's ideal habitat.

edit Classification

The distinct shape of traffic cones initially led scientists to believe them to be a separate species from the orange construction barrel (Ampulla fabricatio barrelus), but similarities in color and habitat provided the first clues that the two might, indeed, be the same species. This suspicion was confirmed by a series of groundbreaking studies conducted in the early 1990s, where researchers were able to observe, for the first time, the total life cycle of the orange traffic barrel through participant observation. A group of dedicated prison biologists developed an elaborate system of camouflage that allowed them to move freely among orange barrel populations to study their development and interactions with other species. One of these studies also led to the discovery of the diminutive Ampulla conus icedcreamicus, now considered a delicacy in many human societies.

edit Life cycle

Traffic cones, like most members of the family Naranjeae, are highly territorial. Upon reaching this adolescent stage, the orange barrel sprouts develop their ability to move quickly across roadways without being seen. (Such locomotive abilities, though rare among plants in general, are relatively common among Constructa. Scientists attribute this to the widespread use of LSD.) Traffic cones take advantage of this skill to distance themselves from their parent barrels and develop their independence in societies of likeminded individuals. These "gangs" of traffic cones claim and defend segments of roadway, often resorting to violence. Though there have been documented cases of pedestrian impalement, cone-on-cone violence accounts for the majority of violent crimes and nearly all homicides committed by traffic cones. Cone-on-cone action is a favorite for Coneys, or those who find anthropomorphic images of traffic cones mating in the manner of humans erotically satisfying.

As traffic cones mature, they begin to engage in a process called "stacking", where they huddle together in warmth and safety in preparation for the dormant phase that immediately precedes their sexual maturation. During this phase, the cones gather and consume large amounts of scrap metal, loose change, philosophers, and other reflective items from the surrounding roadways. Traffic cones going through this phase have been known to consume up to 50 lbs of costume jewelry in a single day. They become highly self-conscious about the accompanying weight gain, concealing themselves in closets, warehouses, and other dark places (because everyone knows that black is slimming). In reaction to the darkness of their surroundings, the traffic cone begins to develop the tell-tale light that identifies a mature orange construction barrel. When this light is fully formed on top of the barrel at around lv. 32, it begins blinking, and the transformation from traffic cone to adult is complete.

edit Variations

It is a well-known fact that traffic cones can have many variations in colors and patterns, sort of like cats. The most common is a plain orange, however they often appear yellow or red as well. Many cones have anywhere from two to four reflective white stripes around them, a more recent evolutionary adaptation. Scientists theorize that these stripes arose as a way to become more visible and less likely to be hit by cars. Some less common colors may even include, blue or green, and if you are lucky you will see the exceedingly rare albino traffic cone. Depending on genes and also the conditions of their habitat, cones can grow into varying shapes. They can become very tall and skinny or stay small for a long time. They will grow smaller or just skinnier if they have little space, a lot like bonsai plants.

edit See also

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