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On raising kids: Boy may be Afraid to work hard

Q: My son was identified as a gifted student in kindergarten. He is now 13 and in his third year at a difficult all-boys private prep school.

His grades in public elementary school were straight As. Now in eighth grade, he gets Bs and Cs.

I'm frustrated and don't know what I can do to help him. Do I just accept it?

A: I can't know for certain why your son's grades have declined so much. The fact that it's a very challenging school is surely part of the issue. It may also be that your son's straight As in public school were earned on material that was too easy, so he became accustomed to doing little work and earning As.

The harder work and greater competition in his new school could have caused him to lose confidence in himself. He may actually worry that even if he puts forth his full effort, he still can't earn As now. Thus rather than trying his best, he could be doing only enough work to get by. In that way, he can justify to himself that he's smart enough but just doesn't feel like trying. That's a most typical pattern for underachievers.

It's also possible that your son has attention problems or disabilities along with his giftedness, which caused no real problems in his less challenging environment, but they are now preventing him from keeping up with his peers.

First, ask yourself if it appears that your son is putting forth full effort. If he is, try to encourage him by explaining that it's a harder school and it will probably take him some time to catch up with the boys who have been there from earlier grades. He's undoubtedly missed material that they've already had. If being behind is his only problem, you can probably arrange for some temporary tutoring until your son catches up.

Your son's teachers can give you some insight as to the effort your son is putting forth or if he is truly struggling with some of the material because he didn't have the background. The school also likely has a psychologist who could do some further evaluation to determine if your son has some masked disabilities or whether the material is beyond his knowledge.

If your son is underachieving and avoiding effort, my book "Why Bright Kids Get Poor Grades" (Great Potential Press, 2008) should be very helpful for reversing his underachievement. I've included an ALLIANCE acrostic below that abbreviates the route to reversing a child's underachievement.

It will require your patience and perseverance to reverse the problem, but if you place the emphasis on his hard work and not on his giftedness, it will prevent his feeling too much pressure and motivate him to work.

Straight As may not happen in his new very challenging school, but hopefully, he can manage to move the Cs to Bs and earn at least a few As.

A: Ally with the student privately about interests and concerns.

L: Listen to what the student says.

L: Learn about what the student is thinking.

I: Initiate opportunities for recognition of the student's strengths.

A: Add experimental ideas for engaging curricular and extracurricular activities.

N: Nurture relationships with appropriate adult and peer role models.

C: Consequence reasonably but firmly if the student doesn't meet commitments.

E: Emphasize effort, independence, realistic expectations and how strengths can be used to cope with problems. Extend possibilities patiently.

For a free newsletter about "Why Bright Kids Get Poor Grades," send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below.


Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or More information on raising kids is available at


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