Saturday, 7 April 2012

G – Great Britain

Coming up with a suitable topic for G was probably the hardest letter so far in this challenge.  I was all set to write a 1000 word essay on the joys of gravy, but then I realised that I know very little about gravy other than it tastes nice.  I don’t know how to make gravy, and I barely understand the mechanics behind instant gravy.  In the end, I figured I’d write about something that I know something about and settled upon my homeland, Great Britain.

Only, I don’t know much about Great Britain either.  I know that Britain is made up of three countries (England, Scotland and Wales), has a population of around 60 million, includes the capital cities of London, Cardiff and Edinburgh, and is named because it is the greater piece of land in the United Kingdom in terms of landmass.  Other than that, it is complete mystery to me.  On one hand we’re a nation of overly polite queue mongers who wear bowler hats to keep our jam sandwiches in.  On the other, we’re a nation of racist, thuggish football hooligans who’d rather glass you than pass you in the street.

So what is Britain?  For those outside of these green lands, here’s a small list of useful information which might help you define bloody Britain:

·         The first person to live in Britain was a chap called Dave, who moved into a council estate in Huddersfield that didn’t even have a downstairs toilet.  His surname has been lost to the annals of time.
·         Bruce Forsyth was the first man to immigrate to Britain.  After being born to a family of dingoes in Australia, he swam the whole distance from Sydney to Dover at the age of 3, stopping only to nip into a Brewer’s Fayre and have a go on the outdoor play area.
·         The most prolific disease in Britain is known as “Scouse Pox”, which affects 816,216 people in the North West of England.  This disease makes the victim speak in an unintelligible drawl, and triggers a cranial response which gives them the uncontrollable urge to steal.
·         The only indigenous animal to Britain is the common garden snail.  Before colonists bought crows with them, or started exporting them to the French, snails covered 90% of the available surface of Britain.  So much so that going hiking used to be referred to as “Crunching”.
·         Roses are red and violets are blue, except in rural England where roses are tartan, and violets are rampaging sex pests.
·         Alex James, a British scientist, has invented a dairy-based cloaking device which, when applied to objects, makes them appear distorted.  He’s named his device Blur Cheese.
·         The most popular hobby in Britain is Complaining, just beating Masturbation to the top spot.
·         British cuisine is gaining popularity around the world after visionary food guru, Heston Blumenthal, created talking ingredients, giving people advice and cooking tips during preparation.
·         The River Thames is named after John Thames, who was recently crowned Britain’s Smelliest Tramp.
·         The leader of Britain is known as the Prime Minister.  His skeleton is known as Prime Rib, and his buttocks as Prime Rump Steaks.

There you have it, the world’s most comprehensive list of British facts.  There is absolutely nothing else to be known about Britain.  Anyone who tells you otherwise is a fraud and a charlatan.  


  1. Very informative!

    I don't know enough about gravy to write 1000 words either, just so you don't feel sad and alone in your lack of gravy culture and knowledge.

  2. I was really buying this for a second there. I was going to Google this Dave guy. Still might.

  3. Well you have actually managed to make Britain sound MORE interesting then it really is.
    A job for you at the British Tourist Board awaits.

  4. Nice to read you........To read you Nice...... I hate that man, don't know why.

    But I'm British so Ya Sucks Booo

  5. It's nearly midnight and you made me laugh, excellent and surreal
    thanks for sharing

  6. loved the blur reference...

    1. I wish you had stuck with gravy. I love gravy!!! Gravy loves me!!! Anyways, good to have you in the challenge, like me...

  7. Good old Great Britain. Who wouldn't want to live here?

  8. This was great! Thanks

  9. What about the chavs? Where do they fit in?

    -Barb the French Bean

  10. I'm pretty sure everything you wrote was taught to us in History. Perhaps when teachers strike, your post will be first port of call.

    Ed - Empire 500 5-star

  11. Thank you for making me laugh :)

  12. Great post, laughed the entire way through! And am now stuck with a mental image of snail-covered surfaces, but hey, entirely worth it.

  13. Oh but I thought it was also a known fact that Britain's national pastime is queuing?


Leave me a nice comment or die trying.