Helping unique kids have the courage to be themselves

As parents, it's our job to support our kids. When those kids are a little different from the crowd, that job becomes even more important. Dr Justin Coulson shares his advice for helping kids be proud of who they are.

Recent news bulletins have described the tragic attempted suicide of an 11 year-old boy, Michael Morones. What could be so bad that an 11 year old would try to take his own life? Michael had been teased for liking ‘My Little Pony’. His school friends mocked him, calling him gay for his entertainment and toy choices.

Michael’s mother, Tiffany Morones-Suttle told ABC her son had said, “Mum, I’m tired of people being mean to me, I’m tired of people calling me gay, I’m tired of people telling me I’m ugly, that I’m stupid.”

His despair appears to have been the catalyst for his attempt to end his life.

Discovering who we are

Discovering who we are is an essential part of healthy development. Developmental scholar, Erik Erikson, argued that adolescence is the time where we create our identity. It gets interesting here: to work out our identity, we need to ‘try on’ different personas that feel right for us, and Erikson argued that this process was akin to a sort of ‘crisis’, as we seek to create, or discover our ‘self’.

Part of this identity crisis (which we all went through to some degree or another) requires our children to answer the question, “Am I normal?”.

Teens who respond with a no find life more challenging than those with an easy yes. Many of our children decide that fitting in is more important than being our true self and so they make concessions to fit in. Some, however, decide to be who they want to be regardless of the cost. Those individuals are rare and the outcomes they experience are mixed.

Helping uniqueness shine

Our kids have every right to whatever identity they feel represents them. But when behaviour outside of the norm makes our children stand out significantly from their peers, and creates high discomfort for them, the following ideas may be helpful to parents in getting them through their identity development process:

Be available and safe

Our children need trusting, secure relationships with us. There may be times when we are the only place they feel safe. Be open to talking, listening or simply just being there.

Allow questions

Be open to answering your kids’ concerns and questions, regardless of how confronting they may be.

Be empathic and understanding

Sometimes our children’s dilemmas cannot be solved in the short term. Often, our kids will find courage simply by having our empathy, compassion and understanding.

Be a role model

Share examples of times in your life where you did something that was different to the norm. Our children can gain courage from our example.

Find appropriate environments

If your child enjoys things that his or her peers don’t, it might help to find an environment where they can pursue their interests in a way that is safe and fulfilling.

In the third book in C. S. Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia, The Horse and His Boy, Shasta has an encounter with Aslan, the great lion and one true king of Narnia. Shasta does not know who he is talking with. It is dark and he only knows that someone is walking with him and helping him. Shasta is in awe of the majesty and peace of his fellow traveller. When he asks Aslan who he is the reply comes with assurance:


Wouldn’t it be amazing if our children, when asked who they are, could answer, “Myself” and feel assured that that was all they needed to be?

How do you help your children be proud of who they are?

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