Our freedom was once thought of as disrespect depending on whether one was considered a loyalist or revolutionary. What do we consider it when our children seek their own freedom?


Whether one's ancestor was a whig (i.e., someone who supported the revolution) or a tory (i.e., someone who was loyal to british subjugation) depended on many factors to include how one perceived himself or herself.  Was the person's identity linked to the crown or did one see himself or herself as uniquely independent?  Much the same is still true today and we need to look no further than our children. 

Erik Erickson wrote about the psycho-social stages of development. Stage two is autonomy versus shame.  Children between the ages of 18 months to three years go through stage two as they seek self-control (e.g., bladder control).  A sense of personal control is important at this stage. The child who can become autonomous becomes confident and feels secure, while the child who does not achieve autonomy self-doubts and feels inadequate. 

The push for independence, or freedom as it were, rears its' head again in pre-adolescence and adolescence.  I wonder if this is the time when I should tell you that a Harvard medical study established that adolescence can range from age 12-30 for males.  But I digress.  The search to establish independence, to have one's own freedom (e.g., though,speech, assembly), is a push to show capability, to show diminishing need, to prove one's metal as it were.  As with the "Crown" during the precipous of revolution, so too do many parents neurotically fight against their child's leaving the nest while other parents go the way of the eagle and push the little darlin's out of the nest and into a daunting fall to encourage the beginning of independence.

Whether one is a whig or eagle, a tory or neurotic parent, matters less than the child seeking independence because it is not the adult care-giver who is in control, regardless of impressions or delusions.  Rather, it is the child who is in control.  Much as the revolutionaries before them, today's children must battle their own insecurities, lack of confidence and ignorance before they can truly be free.  Only after enduring such can they ever really appreciate freedom.

So with this fourth of July fast approaching.  Remember, the next time your child defies you or pushes away, make sure they have what they need to go forward with confidence and competence because like it or not...eventually they all go their own way, whether they follow your model or make their own.


For more reading go to psychology.about.com or psychology today.com