Urban Legends


The Legend

Found on the Internet, August 1998

I have spent several days lecturing at the WORLD ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT OF EVIL TECHNOLOGY CONFERENCE on "Aspartame marketed as 'NutraSweet', 'Equal', and 'Raid'". In a keynote address by the entire EPA staff, they announced that there was an epidemic of clinical medical gullibilitus, and they did not understand what toxin was causing this hideous scourge to run rampant across the United States, ruining families, crippling babies, and setting entire towns aflame. I stood up and explained that I was there to lecture on exactly that subject, even though I hadn't actually been invited to speak.

When the temperature of Aspartame exceeds 75 degrees F (or C), the nitrogen oxide in Aspartame coverts to nitrogen dioxide and then to nitric acid, which in turn causes enormous, building-crushing explosions, albeit on a smaller scale. The body-permeating explosives in people who blindly ingest Aspartame create symptoms similar to those of multiple sclerosis, systemic lupus, adult-onset birth defects, break dancing, coffee withdrawal, or any of a number of other serious conditions. Doctors are diagnosing these conditions in error, and this is unfortunate because these conditions (aside from break dancing) are treatable, while Aspartame poisoning is a horrific death sentence that I wouldn't wish on Hitler.

In the case of clinical medical gullibilitus we are finding it has become rampant, especially Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi drinkers. A typical victim usually drinks three to four 12 oz. cans per day, some even more. Symptoms include believing that combining soda and aspirin will get you high (Coke drinkers) or that beverage cans purposefully do not mention God (Pepsi).

When we get people off their Aspartames, they become either asymptomatic or semiautomatic almost immediately. We have even seen cases where their vision and hearing has returned, even though they were blind or deaf from birth. During a lecture I said "If you are using Aspartame and you suffer from fibromyalgia, spasms, sudden hair loss, shooting pains, an ouchy tummy, numbness in your legs, cramps, more cramps, vertigo, high anxiety, dizziness with elevation, headaches, toothaches, tinnitus, joint pain, depression, anxiety attacks, clammy glands, freakish hair growth, slurred speech, blurred vision, a fondness for cats, and memory loss -- you should probably SEE A DOCTOR!"

People were jumping up during the lecture saying, "I've got this!" and "Where's the bathroom?" It is rampant. Some of the speakers at my lecture even were suffering from symptoms such as a tendency to speak at great lengths. In one lecture attended by the Ambassador of Nigeria, he told us that their sugar industry is adding Aspartame to sugar, and that with my help he might be able to get the enormous profits from the operation out of his country! He continued by saying that one of the industry leader's son could not walk -- due in part to the fact that a barrel of Aspartame fell on him and he lost his legs!

We have a very serious problem. During a visit to a hospice, a nurse said that six of her friends, who were heavy soda drinkers and had switched from Coke to Diet Coke, had been losing weight at an alarming rate. This is beyond coincidence.

Here is the problem. There were Congressional Hearings when Aspartame was included in 100 different products to find out if there was some way for either the government or individual politicians (or their constituents) to make a few dollars on this. Since this initial hearing, there have been two subsequent hearings, followed by a subsequent hearing, a penultimate hearing, and one more hearing, but to no avail. Nothing has been done -- and when was the last time you heard of a bunch of Congresspersons getting together and not getting anything done? Pretty suspiscious, I say.

This is an emergency! Now there are over a billion products containing this chemical, and the PATENT HAS EXPIRED!!!!! Would you allow your children to drink something with an expired patent???? I don't even buy milk if it's a minute past the expiration date!

Aspartame contains some of the same elements as formaldehyde (e.g., electrons), and formaldehyde is in the same class of drugs as cyanide and arsenic which are DEADLY POISONS!!! Sure, it takes longer for Aspartame to kill you (unless you're drowning in it), but those little explosions can change your brain's chemistry and even make you think that you like the evil, evil stuff! You don't see animals in the wild drinking Diet Coke, do you??? And wild animals are, on the whole, pretty healthy!

There is absolutely no reason to ingest this product. Like asphalt, it IS NOT A DIET PRODUCT!!!!!! The Congressional record said, on the record, "Straight Aspartame makes you feel like throwing up if you drink a bottle of it." Doctors report that throwing up is a sign of bulimia -- not the kind of diet you want to go on!

Memory loss and sudden loss of interest is caused by Aspartame due to the fact that

Just before the Conference, I received a FAX from Norway, asking for a possible antidote for this poison because they are experiencing so many problems in their country (e.g., Viking hats). Fortunately, there is an antidote -- Diet 7up, the producers of which are both intelligent and health conscious, which is why I have invested an enormous amount of money in their stock.

You can help, too. Print this article out and warn everyone you know that you will read it over and over to them unless they do your bidding. Take anything that contains Aspartame back to the store and throw it at the manager. Take the "NO ASPARTAME TEST" and send us your case history. Send us money, too.

Behind the Legend

It has not been determined if aspartame really is a dangerous substance or not. However, consider the following:

  • Aspartame's name is pronounced "as-part-a-me," possibly indicating a link to cannibalism.
  • 98% of people involved in drunk-driving fatalities have drunk something with aspartame in it in the previous month.
  • Soda commercials are annoying, particularly in movie theaters.

If any significant true information has slipped through, we apologize.