Parent Forward By Bonnie J. Toomey

A cable anchor wants to know what she'll win if her Electoral College prediction is right. She and her political colleagues lay out four different scenarios using a map of the United States shaded in red and blue hypothesizing how voters will swing on Election Day.

"If I'm right, what will I win?" she asked.

The young news anchor pressed on, suggesting perhaps she should be awarded a fancy certificate, a free dinner or an impressive trophy.

Their maps of the USA made me think of my grandson's colorful washable kid's placemat of the United States. When he was just 2 he could point out Flow-i-dah and O-hi-o, and, of course, Mahss-ah-choo-setts.

It made me smile every time he learned a new state's name and location under a sprinkling of peas and carrots. He would brighten every time I crowed and clapped, "Good job!"

It's important to teach children that learning new things and getting things right is the real reward. But it is tempting to want to shower them with something; after all, they are so darn cute when they first achieve anything on their own.

But we have to resist and remember to accentuate the achievement itself.

Innate innovation comes from the desire to want to know how the world works around us and is what keeps us going as individuals, families, communities and nations.

When I was teaching ballet, I stopped sticking my young students with stars and started reinforcing their progress with a hug and encouraging words at the end of each class. I decided to keep the focus on why the children were in class in the first place, not on which color star to pick out.

I wanted a stage filled with dancers who were engaged, not whiny kids searching desperately for a lost sticker.

It worked. My students wanted to try harder for the sake of their own achievement. The stars had nothing to do with whether they would succeed, but the end result from their efforts to concentrate and commit had everything to do with how they built their self-images up.

Today, I want my grandsons to learn that trying hard for something worthwhile should not have to depend on whether they get a tangible reward.

"The message that they may not recognize and appreciate on their own what is important to learn in life, that they should learn only what others reward them for. They may then begin to disregard or question their own personal preferences and enthusiasms," this from The Natural Child Project, "The Trouble With Rewards" by Jan Hunt.

Unless we want to keep upping the ante as we try to effectively raise up a bunch of kids who won't budge without their hands extended before they even consider trying anything, giving us an argument of "what's in it for me?," we need to put the prizes out of a child's way.

Emphasize the intrinsic achievement, not the extrinsic prize. Kids naturally will want to achieve things on their own. They will shoot for the stars if we just stand back a little and let them experience the joy of trying, even if failure, a good teacher, is involved.

Stickers peel off, curl up and end up stuck to the rug before they get sucked up into a void, forgotten. Achievement from effort is indelible and will last a lifetime.

Kids will embrace the idea if we believe in it as well. Teaching children that intrinsic rewards, like the feeling of satisfaction from working hard at something builds to form a solid foundation so kids will want to keep on trying.

Greater life satisfaction and happiness should be the real reason for doing something.

All of this doesn't mean kids are not going to ask. It's also in their nature.

I called my grandson to let him know he had won second place in the kid's tractor pull at the county fair a couple weeks ago and that a letter of congratulations was coming in the mail.

Right away he asked the question.

"Yippie! What did I win, Grammy? What did I win?" I could hear him jumping up and down and his mother cheering in the background as he shrieked in delight. He was on top of the world at that moment.

"You won bragging rights," I said.

"What's that, Grammy?"

"That means because you pedaled your tractor towing heavy bricks and concentrated on the finish line even harder than most of the other children who tried that day, that you now have the undeniable right to share your story with the ones you love," I said.

"Yay!!!" he shouted, "I won, I won! I won! I won second place at the tractor pull! Are you proud of me, Grammy?"

Suddenly, the idea of a prize had instantly transformed into the ring of happy satisfaction of real achievement in a little boy's voice.

And I couldn't help but think,"'Maybe he will run for president someday," but instead I answered, "Good job, my dear, good job!"

Bonnie J. Toomey writes for magazine and blogs about families in today's world. You can visit her at and contact her at